Living at the motel,
we've had our share of annoying neighbors.
Hello, neighbor folks. Working hard or hardly working?
Like this guy, most of them drove me crazy and wouldn't shut up.
Did I ever tell you about the time my dog ate a whole bag
of Halloween candy?
I come home from work one day.
I walk in the door... at least I think I was at work,
but as it occurs to me,
it was a Sunday in October, and I do not work on the Lord's day.
During football season!
The Lord's day!
Write that down. That's a good one.
Wait. It wasn't October. It was February.
And it was a box of chocolates I purchased for my sweetheart, Gertie.
I got to pee.
Cappy, talk real loud so I don't miss anything, okay?
So, anyways Gertie was
from Bismarck.
So, I was stuck.
But fortunately, whenever I had a neighbor I didn't like,
Catalina would always find a way to move him.
So, I says to myself,
- "Cappy!" - Excuse me, sir.
We just discovered toxic mold in your room.
Oh, bummer.
We had toxic moles in our old room.
They burrow in, and they have turf horse with the rats.
I'll be moving you to a great room in the East Wing.
When it's windy, you can get HBO.
Keep in touch!
Or not.
SOLD A GUY A LEMON CAR
You want to tell me why I just saw Cappy in the East Wing?
I don't know, Randy. Something about toxic moles.
It wasn't toxic moles.
You got rid of him like you do with all the cool neighbors.
Even that guy with the illegal penguin.
That penguin was a jerk.
All day long.
Plus, he kept him in the ice machine, I could taste it.
Well, I miss Cappy.
Trust me, we're better off without him.
Can I help you?
What are you doing in my room?
Oh, you must be in the room next door.
But my key opened this door.
That's 'cause the manager bought all the locks in bulk at a swap meet.
They could also be opened with a potato peeler
and those things that you use to hold corn on the cob.
Welcome. I'm Earl.
Way to go, Earl.
I bet that guy's got the least funny stories in the universe.
I don't want stories in a neighbor. I want quiet in a neighbor.
Let's see how you like quiet in a brother.
So, how do you like it?
Give me a few hours to find out.
You know who didn't make noise at night? Cappy.
I'm sure the new guy just doesn't realize how loud that is.
I'll go talk to him.
It's...
3:00 in the morning.
Just wondering if you could keep it down.
I heard some noise in there.
Maybe you could...
not...
work...
so late?
I don't know what you're talking about. I was sleeping.
- How'd it go? - Pretty good.
He's actually a pretty nice guy once you get to know him.
I'm sure he'll be done real soon.
- You miss Cappy, don't you? - Yeah, I miss Cappy.
What is he doing in there anyway?
Look through the bullet hole.
You look through the bullet hole.
Why should I? This is your fault.
If it'd been up to me, we'd still have Cappy and not...
Not it!
Damn it, why do I ways forget "not it?"
Go look.
What do you see?
It's sort of a big, almond-shaped,
white thing with sort of a...
round, blue-greenish thing in the middle.
It blinked.
It's an eye.
He's looking at us.
His name is Lloyd, and, no, I am not moving that guy.
I saw him this morning, and he said if I ever step foot in his room,
something bad will happen to my pretty little face.
You should have him thrown out of the motel for acting psycho.
Are you kidding? If I can't go in his room,
I can't clean his room. Plus, he thinks I'm pretty.
I hope he never checks out.
I guess if he's not moving, we have to.
Then, somebody's got to go pack our stuff,
and I think it should be you.
Number one, because this is all your fault.
- Number two... - Not it!
Damn it!
Hey, dimkoff.
That's German for dummy.
- Heard Colonel Klink say it to Hogan. - What are you doing here?
Catching a fish for Dodge's science project.
It turned out there was a reason Joy was excited
about this particular science fair.
Normally, Joy didn't believe in science,
but she did believe in the $500 prize and what it would buy her.
... A symbol of hope and love.
Because if your heart is open,
love will always find its way in.
It's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.
Those diamonds got ahold of Joy,
and she couldn't stop thinking about how to get her hands on that necklace.
- Jane Seymour? - Hello, Joy.
How'd you know my name?
I've been reading your prescription bottles.
I have something for you.
- What the hell! - Oh, I'm sorry.
You'll have to win the science fair if you want to get the necklace.
But how, Jane Seymour?
I never understood science or chemistry or biology.
You want to hear something funny?
First time I used birth control pills, I put them inside me.
We all change, Joy.
I mean, I started as a dancer, and I evolved into an actress.
And then I evolved into an artist.
It's all about evolution.
Evolution.
Jane Seymour wants me to disprove evolution.
It's not porn if it's on regular TV.
Jane Seymour came to me in a dream and told me how to win the science fair.
I'm going to prove that evolution's a bunch of bull crap.
How are you going to do that?
I'm gonna fill this up with water and put a fish in it,
but its food is gonna be on this rock. When the fish gets hungry,
he's gonna have to grow legs and walk up here to eat.
If he doesn't, that proves there's no evolution.
Tampon, condom, pacifier...
fish!
Kind of small, don't you think?
Maybe for eating, but not for science.
Y'all got homeless coming through here now?
That's why I tell Darnell to break bottles before to throw them away.
Word gets out, they'll stop pawing through your trash.
Hold the phone!
I know that guy!
I was surprised that Joy knew Lloyd,
but I was even more surprised to find out that
in a way, I knew him, too.
Shortly after me and Joy got married,
I realized I couldn't just rely on stealing to support a new wife
and someone else's unborn baby.
So, I tried my hand in the auto industry.
For 50 bucks, I'd haul away your old junker.
Then I took the 50 and gave it a hillbilly tune up to get it running.
I stapled the seatbelts back together,
painted over the check engine light,
and I wrote "airbag" on the steering wheel in Sharpie.
That should raise the price.
As soon as we found a nice house that was vacant during the day,
- the car was ready to sell. - So, why are you selling it?
We're buying a minivan.
I know, barf.
Next thing you know, I'm gonna be playing soccer like all the other moms.
I'm going on a cross country trip and...
I've never bought a car before. I don't even know what questions to ask.
I hear you.
Lord knows I'm no car salesman.
Tell you what.
Just give me the 900 bucks, drive it around for a couple days.
If you don't like it, come get your money back.
You know where we live. It's not like we're going anywhere.
That sounds fair.
Let's do it!
I'm buying a car!
You're buying a car.
He looked so nice and sweet when we ripped him off.
Now he looks like that guy who used to collect road kill
to make those creepy nativity scenes.
Anyway, I'd stay away from him if I were you.
I can't now.
He's on my list.
I had a lot of experience telling psychos I screwed them over,
but this guy was the psychoest. Hey, there, buddy.
I'm not your buddy.
Fair enough.
Listen, I just heard the craziest story.
It's not the one about the dog eating the candies, is it?
'Cause I already walked away from that story once.
Listen. It's... It's about the lemon car I sold you.
I told him I was the one who sold him that lemon car
and all about my list and Karma.
Then I waited for the crazy to come out.
But it didn't.
You don't owe me anything.
You showed me the way of the world.
That's when Lloyd told me the rest of what happened.
Lloyd packed his bags and headed off on a cross-country trip.
It took me four days to hitchhike from Saginaw
I've gone to look for Ame...
... rica...
But the car we sold him wasn't even up for a cross Camden trip.
All gone look for Ame...
... rica.
Lloyd was happy Joy gave him that money-back guarantee,
until he found out the house really belonged to the Yangs.
Damn.
Damn, damn, damn!
He gave that car a hillbilly tune-up of his own
and passed it on to the next sucker.
Why is it shaking?
That's not the car, that's you.
Well, why... why is smoke coming out from under the hood?
Oh, that's the steam feature. Keeps the engine clean.
Fancy.
I'll take it.
Finally, I'll have one nice thing before I die.
I feel terrible.
I'd really like to make up for what I did.
Why? You opened my eyes.
You taught me that people are scum.
But I won't have to worry about the scum of the Earth much longer.
That's kind of a weird thing to say.
- No offense. - Oh, no, that's okay.
'Cause soon, I'm gonna have all my materials.
And I won't have to worry about people offending me.
See, there you go again.
You're the one from the eye hole.
Stay tuned.
I think I created a terrorist.
I really think this guy is gonna blow something up.
- What do we do? - You're asking me?
Oh, God, this is really bad, isn't it?
- I don't know, maybe call the cops? - No, that won't help.
They'll lock him up
and let him back out even more angry at the world.
We could chop his hands off so at least he can't light fuses.
You put me in charge, and now you shoot down all my ideas?
We're not chopping off Lloyd's hands.
My hands?
Oh, that... that different Lloyd.
Uh, I've got a cousin...
named Lloyd who has...
uh, hand cancer.
Listen, Lloyd,
I feel responsible for you thinking everybody is scum.
And I believe I already thanked you.
I don't want to be thanked.
I just want to make it up to you so that you're not so...
negative.
Show me somebody who isn't negative.
Katie Couric.
Look...
not everybody is scum.
Think about it.
People are only good till they get screwed over.
You screwed me.
I screwed the next person, and I'm sure they screwed somebody else,
and it just kept going down the line.
But what if it didn't?
What if somebody,
broke the chain and was honest about the car?
Impossible.
- You don't know that. - How much you want to bet?
I'll bet you $500.
I'm kind of on a fixed income right now and, uh...
it's all going to my project.
Look, how about this?
If one of those people was honest and...
and didn't screw somebody else,
will you give your fellow man another chance?
The next day, Joy saw something that undid years of Sunday school.
Sweet Jesus, the fish grew feet.
What does that mean, Mommy?
I think it means we don't got to go to church no more.
Baby, that's a tadpole.
All you proved is that tadpoles turn into frogs.
- Do people already know that? - Yes, Joy.
That would fall under the heading, "common knowledge".
Damn.
Now I'm not gonna get my hand-designed Jane Seymour Open Hearts necklace.
Stupid fish frog.
Hello, my name's Darnell.
I'm gonna call you Mr. Frog.
I didn't want Lloyd to blow anything up,
so I made him take me to the little old lady he sold the car to.
Of course I remember that shaky car.
I wasted $1,000 getting tested for Parkinson's.
I don't suppose you still have the car, do you?
She didn't.
She spruced it up with a racing stripe
and sold it to a guy who was new to town.
That sneaky little bitch ripped me off,
with her face like a wrinkled yam and her lies.
What she did was wrong.
Evil and wrong.
- What did you do with the car? - I sold it to the next sucker.
Hey, welcome to America.
And Escobar gave the car something he called a Nairobi tune-up
and sold it to a hillbilly.
I wrote "turbo" on the side
and sold it to a black fella named Pookie Johnson.
I remember 'cause my mom's name is Pookie.
Hey, is that a three-position switch with a built-in timer?
- Can I buy it? - Don't do it, don't do it.
I think he's building a bomb.
We've already established
that scruples are not a big part of my nature.
I wasn't getting closer to finding an honest man,
but Lloyd seemed to be getting closer to finishing his bomb,
so I had to get creative.
Yeah, it conked out in the Chubby Burger drive-through line.
That's when I said to myself,
"Pookie James Johnson, you have been hoodwinked."
What did you do then, Pookie James?
I melted it down and made a jungle gym for orphans.
Only wish I could have melted something down
to make those kids some moms and dads.
Well, we do what we can.
You really did that?
Orphans?
That's impressive.
I knew I wasn't exactly honest with Lloyd, but...
it seems it's okay to bend the rules
when it comes to dealing with terrorists,
so I figured Karma wouldn't mind.
Apparently, I figured wrong.
People are scum!
You're scum
for lying to me, and I'm not putting up with it anymore.
Lloyd, wait. You're not even on my insurance.
Really? You had to drive by right now?
I hadn't done much running since I gave up stealing,
so I was a little out of shape.
But it's amazing how fast you can move
when the fate of half a county is in your hands.
Stop!
I know there's some bad people out there,
but there's some good people, too,
and neither one deserves to be blown up.
Lloyd, open up!
Please don't set off the bomb.
- What bomb? - That bomb right there.
It's not a bomb.
It's my rocket ship.
What makes you think I was building a bomb?
I don't know, uh, all the talk about...
how you wouldn't have to put up with the scum of the Earth anymore.
Yeah... 'cause I'm launching myself into outer space
in my man made rocket ship.
Bomb?
What do you think, I'm crazy?
I don't know how to answer that.
Wait a minute.
You actually thought I was gonna set off a bomb.
You ran toward the danger.
I wondered about that myself a few times while I was running.
I mean, you could have run to safety.
Instead, you risked your own life to...
to save other people?
Hey, you build rockets, I run towards bombs.
Let's just agree we're both a little crazy, okay?
That was completely unselfish.
You are a good person.
I guess that means everybody isn't scum.
Congratulations.
I think you won your bet.
It wasn't how I planned on doing it,
but I helped Lloyd regain his faith that people can be good.
Years ago, Lloyd thought I had opened his eyes
to all the bad in the world,
but really, I did something worse.
I made him close his eyes to all the good.
Both are all around.
You just have to decide which one to focus on.
And just like Lloyd,
I realized I was only seeing the bad in people around me,
when I needed to be like Randy and see the good.
What are you guys talking about?
Cappy's telling us about going to bingo night.
He almost had all the I's.
And then, he almost had all the corners,
but then, someone else called bingo,
so on the next game, he started out with B-3.
- B... B-7. - B-7, I meant.
Hold on, I want to come down and hear all about it.
Now that Lloyd could see the good in the world,
he finally took that cross-country trip to see more of it.
And it turns out
all the work he did on his rocket didn't go to waste.
That's right, my son's a scientifical genius.
That's why he won...
What the hell is this?
A savings bond, Joy, in Dodge's name.
I figured if I told you, you wouldn't go through with it
and Dodge wouldn't have this unearned feeling of success.
- What about my feelings? - I thought about that, too.
Oh, my God,
it's a Kay Jewelers Jane Seymour Open Hearts necklace.
Do you know how those diamonds were formed?
Millions of years ago, there were dinosaurs who died,
and the carbon in their bodies was compressed...
Darnell, don't be a turd in the sandbox.
Subtitles: Jarick & loky