1
00:00:05,587 --> 00:00:09,305
Wakey, wakey. Two days
till my birthday cakey.
2
00:00:09,455 --> 00:00:10,695
Sleepy, sleepy.
3
00:00:10,753 --> 00:00:12,481
Please shut upy.
4
00:00:12,566 --> 00:00:13,946
Did you get me a present yet?
5
00:00:14,040 --> 00:00:15,007
Randy!
6
00:00:15,167 --> 00:00:15,946
Randy.
7
00:00:16,077 --> 00:00:17,824
Yeah, I'm glad you brought that up.
8
00:00:17,918 --> 00:00:20,171
Since I'm gonna be a
little older in a few days,
9
00:00:20,314 --> 00:00:24,342
I'd like you to start calling
me by my proper name-- Randolph.
10
00:00:24,418 --> 00:00:25,882
Your name's Randal.
11
00:00:25,957 --> 00:00:27,347
It is?!
12
00:00:28,164 --> 00:00:30,343
Is that even a real name?
13
00:00:30,587 --> 00:00:34,127
I mean, Randolph's a name
I've actually heard before.
14
00:00:34,202 --> 00:00:36,408
Like Randolph Hitler.
15
00:00:37,122 --> 00:00:39,394
Randal sounds so weird.
16
00:00:39,517 --> 00:00:42,710
I mean, mom and dad might as
well have named me pork chop.
17
00:00:42,766 --> 00:00:44,531
Pork chop Hickey.
18
00:00:45,592 --> 00:00:47,038
Hey, I kind of like that.
19
00:00:47,198 --> 00:00:47,836
Earl, will you...?
20
00:00:47,874 --> 00:00:49,282
No, I will not.
21
00:00:50,848 --> 00:00:52,979
I'll just make it my
birthday wish then.
22
00:00:53,130 --> 00:00:56,059
Randy, you can't say your
wish, or it won't come true.
23
00:00:56,116 --> 00:00:57,120
Damn it!
24
00:00:58,529 --> 00:01:00,134
Next year.
25
00:01:03,325 --> 00:01:04,902
Good morning, Earl.
26
00:01:05,672 --> 00:01:07,550
Good morning, Randy.
27
00:01:13,566 --> 00:01:16,834
I put a lot of thought into
randy's birthday present this year,
28
00:01:16,890 --> 00:01:18,599
and even though it
was two days early,
29
00:01:18,683 --> 00:01:21,096
it wasn't the kind of thing
I could hide in the closet.
30
00:01:21,247 --> 00:01:23,350
Nice ride, Earl.
31
00:01:23,424 --> 00:01:24,194
Thanks.
32
00:01:24,748 --> 00:01:26,456
It's a birthday present for randy.
33
00:01:27,593 --> 00:01:29,480
This is nicer than your car.
34
00:01:29,621 --> 00:01:30,907
I know he's your brother, but
35
00:01:31,010 --> 00:01:33,067
I'd like to remind you
that for my last birthday,
36
00:01:33,125 --> 00:01:35,491
you gave me a mug that
said happy Bat Mitzvah.
37
00:01:35,642 --> 00:01:38,017
I thought it meant "happy
birthday" in spanish.
38
00:01:38,196 --> 00:01:40,581
Besides, it's not
just a birthday gift.
39
00:01:40,656 --> 00:01:42,177
I'm crossing
something off the list.
40
00:01:42,440 --> 00:01:44,055
#213:
41
00:01:44,250 --> 00:01:46,776
never let Randy have
anything better than me.
42
00:01:46,813 --> 00:01:49,274
Our whole lives, whenever
me and Randy got stuff,
43
00:01:49,377 --> 00:01:52,316
I always just took the
better thing for myself.
44
00:01:55,743 --> 00:01:58,982
Randy, you'd look so
cool in this thing.
45
00:01:59,799 --> 00:02:02,250
Whether it was stuff we stole...
46
00:02:03,677 --> 00:02:05,330
Men wear these?
47
00:02:09,010 --> 00:02:10,343
...or girls.
48
00:02:10,419 --> 00:02:12,822
Sorry. I'm saving
myself for marriage.
49
00:02:13,527 --> 00:02:14,559
I'm not.
50
00:02:14,824 --> 00:02:17,904
Well, this one's mine.
51
00:02:20,439 --> 00:02:22,815
So, uh, do you want
to talk about the Lord?
52
00:02:23,613 --> 00:02:24,975
All right.
53
00:02:26,814 --> 00:02:29,096
Even when we moved into the motel.
54
00:02:30,964 --> 00:02:32,401
Bad news, Randy.
55
00:02:32,579 --> 00:02:35,021
Your side's got a
big blood stain on it.
56
00:02:38,748 --> 00:02:41,284
Randy deserves to finally
get something better than me.
57
00:02:41,377 --> 00:02:43,039
And he's always loved Rancheros.
58
00:02:43,143 --> 00:02:44,504
They're his favorite kind of car.
59
00:02:44,692 --> 00:02:45,903
And eggs.
60
00:02:53,192 --> 00:02:53,811
Hey, Randy...
61
00:02:53,877 --> 00:02:54,685
Not now.
62
00:02:54,901 --> 00:02:55,999
It's catch your own lunch day.
63
00:02:56,074 --> 00:02:57,539
He's picking himself an entree.
64
00:02:57,660 --> 00:02:59,792
I bet this was more fun
when they were alive.
65
00:02:59,839 --> 00:03:00,806
It's not my fault.
66
00:03:00,984 --> 00:03:02,581
The water heats up
under the lights.
67
00:03:02,637 --> 00:03:05,689
The good news is, you can eat the
crab right out of the prize slot.
68
00:03:05,773 --> 00:03:08,590
I know it's two days early, but
I got you your birthday present.
69
00:03:08,646 --> 00:03:10,092
Really cool one.
70
00:03:11,360 --> 00:03:13,773
So, a parking space.
71
00:03:13,907 --> 00:03:15,222
What made you think of that?
72
00:03:15,278 --> 00:03:17,006
Well, uh, I know how
you're always jealous
73
00:03:17,090 --> 00:03:19,447
of handicapped people 'cause
they get their own spots.
74
00:03:19,654 --> 00:03:21,644
I can't believe someone stole it!
75
00:03:22,039 --> 00:03:25,025
There was a reason I was so
surprised my car had been stolen.
76
00:03:25,095 --> 00:03:27,884
In Camden county, there
were only two rules....
77
00:03:27,969 --> 00:03:31,922
never snitch, and crooks
don't steal from other crooks.
78
00:03:34,072 --> 00:03:35,236
Earl?
79
00:03:37,675 --> 00:03:38,998
Earl!
80
00:03:39,900 --> 00:03:41,017
Creepy Rodney?
81
00:03:41,130 --> 00:03:42,313
What the hell, man!
82
00:03:42,435 --> 00:03:43,402
I'm sorry, buddy.
83
00:03:43,534 --> 00:03:45,064
I didn't know it was you.
84
00:03:45,190 --> 00:03:46,598
Man, I'm a jerk.
85
00:03:46,691 --> 00:03:47,818
No biggie.
86
00:03:48,738 --> 00:03:50,625
When did you start
working with the rock?
87
00:03:50,681 --> 00:03:52,109
What happened to your knife?
88
00:03:52,203 --> 00:03:53,977
Rocks are misdemeanors.
89
00:03:54,511 --> 00:03:55,854
Good to know.
90
00:03:57,384 --> 00:03:58,117
Come on, Joy.
91
00:03:58,145 --> 00:04:00,614
I just want to know who's
been stealing cars around town.
92
00:04:00,755 --> 00:04:02,389
Tell you who's not stealing cars.
93
00:04:02,473 --> 00:04:04,286
That dipstick
who carjacked me--
94
00:04:04,418 --> 00:04:05,995
found him sleeping in the brat.
95
00:04:06,070 --> 00:04:09,206
Beat the snot out of him with that
razor scooter i've been riding around on.
96
00:04:09,225 --> 00:04:11,319
Long story short,
got the brat back,
97
00:04:11,368 --> 00:04:12,983
but the razor scooter
pulls to the left.
98
00:04:13,048 --> 00:04:15,217
Look, I don't need to know
who's not ripping off cars.
99
00:04:15,311 --> 00:04:16,401
I need to know who is.
100
00:04:16,466 --> 00:04:16,992
Crap!
101
00:04:17,152 --> 00:04:18,269
Stole my bait.
102
00:04:18,375 --> 00:04:19,764
Fish are too damn smart.
103
00:04:19,839 --> 00:04:21,717
I'm gonna have to dumb 'em down.
104
00:04:25,304 --> 00:04:27,267
Baby, you're undermining
the spirit of the game.
105
00:04:27,391 --> 00:04:29,278
This ain't the olympics, Darnell.
106
00:04:29,504 --> 00:04:30,809
It's a freakin' buffet.
107
00:04:30,893 --> 00:04:32,856
Look, Earl, you were
smart to come to me.
108
00:04:32,912 --> 00:04:35,194
I am excellent at
solving mysteries.
109
00:04:35,363 --> 00:04:38,659
45 minutes into CSI,
I always know what happened.
110
00:04:38,955 --> 00:04:40,448
So give me a little more info.
111
00:04:40,551 --> 00:04:43,443
The car was just stolen from
the parking lot five minutes ago.
112
00:04:43,537 --> 00:04:45,068
Was it a stick shift?
113
00:04:45,218 --> 00:04:46,551
No. Automatic.
114
00:04:47,331 --> 00:04:49,265
On the column, or on the floor?
115
00:04:49,336 --> 00:04:50,218
Column. Why?
116
00:04:50,303 --> 00:04:53,495
You're looking for Clyde Fowler
and his little buddy Bedbug.
117
00:04:54,021 --> 00:04:55,805
How can you possibly know that?
118
00:04:55,918 --> 00:04:56,951
Clyde and Bedbug were in here
119
00:04:57,017 --> 00:04:59,289
this morning saying
they were looking to steal a car.
120
00:04:59,385 --> 00:05:02,277
Damn it, Darnell, I
was mind-freaking him!
121
00:05:03,150 --> 00:05:05,376
I went way back with
clyde and bedbug.
122
00:05:05,575 --> 00:05:09,528
I knew them when they were just clyde
and clyde's friend from out of town.
123
00:05:10,645 --> 00:05:11,941
Earl Hickey.
124
00:05:12,025 --> 00:05:14,373
Well, this is a
blast from the past.
125
00:05:14,495 --> 00:05:16,666
Hey, how is that hot wife of yours?
126
00:05:16,732 --> 00:05:18,450
Didn't she run off
with some black dude,
127
00:05:18,525 --> 00:05:21,154
but you didn't do nothin'
because you found Jesus,
128
00:05:21,210 --> 00:05:22,891
or his grocery list or something?
129
00:05:22,948 --> 00:05:25,173
I made a list of all the
things i've done wrong.
130
00:05:25,279 --> 00:05:28,265
Was number one letting some
black dude steal your woman?
131
00:05:29,193 --> 00:05:33,428
yeah, so, uh, anyway, fellas,
the reason I stopped by is
132
00:05:33,560 --> 00:05:35,043
that ranchero there.
133
00:05:35,156 --> 00:05:36,226
Ain't she a beauty?!
134
00:05:36,292 --> 00:05:37,888
She sure is, yeah.
135
00:05:38,245 --> 00:05:39,597
Here's the thing.
136
00:05:40,160 --> 00:05:41,615
The car is mine.
137
00:05:42,811 --> 00:05:44,004
You're kidding me.
138
00:05:44,098 --> 00:05:44,746
Sorry.
139
00:05:44,811 --> 00:05:48,764
I hate to bring you down off what I'm
sure was a real good stealing high,
140
00:05:49,102 --> 00:05:53,138
but I should probably just, you
know, take the car and get going.
141
00:05:53,241 --> 00:05:54,349
Well, no, no, no, look.
142
00:05:54,425 --> 00:06:00,678
I-I hate to bring you down from what must
be a real good i-found-my-car high, but...
143
00:06:00,988 --> 00:06:03,025
you're not getting
that ranchero back.
144
00:06:03,431 --> 00:06:05,694
What are you talking
about, Clyde? It's me.
145
00:06:05,854 --> 00:06:07,347
Guys like us have a rule.
146
00:06:07,431 --> 00:06:09,750
But you ain't "guys
like us" no more.
147
00:06:09,976 --> 00:06:14,661
You see, chief, nowadays, you
fall more in the, uh, civilian,
148
00:06:14,793 --> 00:06:17,197
slash, victim column of the ledger.
149
00:06:17,272 --> 00:06:20,211
Look, I don't know what a
ledger is, but I've paid my dues,
150
00:06:20,276 --> 00:06:23,544
and I'll be damned if you two
losers are gonna keep my car!
151
00:06:24,597 --> 00:06:27,705
I don't think W
likes your tone, Earl.
152
00:06:28,250 --> 00:06:30,484
But we're reasonable people.
153
00:06:31,207 --> 00:06:32,851
You can have the car back.
154
00:06:33,264 --> 00:06:35,311
For $1,500.
155
00:06:36,327 --> 00:06:36,872
Hell, no!
156
00:06:36,928 --> 00:06:38,759
I'm not buying it back.
157
00:06:38,881 --> 00:06:40,918
We're taking this
problem to mr. Wallace.
158
00:06:41,078 --> 00:06:43,059
Mr. Wallace was Camden's oldest,
159
00:06:43,060 --> 00:06:45,041
toughest and most
respected criminal.
160
00:06:45,117 --> 00:06:48,132
So, when two crooks had
a beef, they went to him.
161
00:06:48,254 --> 00:06:51,108
He also worked part-time as a crossing
guard for the health insurance.
162
00:06:51,195 --> 00:06:53,092
Hold it, boys, hold it.
163
00:06:53,514 --> 00:06:55,411
I have a client.
164
00:06:56,556 --> 00:06:58,340
Okay, I've heard enough.
165
00:06:58,544 --> 00:07:00,835
Earl, you are no longer one of us.
166
00:07:00,994 --> 00:07:03,304
You want the car back,
you'll have to pay.
167
00:07:03,455 --> 00:07:05,126
Pay?! That's bullcrap!
168
00:07:05,192 --> 00:07:07,295
Hey, watch your language there!
169
00:07:07,389 --> 00:07:11,176
And if you ever come to me
again with a problem this small,
170
00:07:11,288 --> 00:07:13,678
I will shoot you in
the face
171
00:07:13,679 --> 00:07:16,068
and splatter your brains
all over this crosswalk,
172
00:07:16,133 --> 00:07:17,871
and everybody in it.
173
00:07:19,523 --> 00:07:20,941
But not on you, sweetheart.
174
00:07:21,095 --> 00:07:24,081
We wouldn't want to ruin
that pretty little dress, hmm?
175
00:07:26,569 --> 00:07:28,907
As soon as I paid up
and got the car back,
176
00:07:28,964 --> 00:07:30,945
I went straight over
to the Crab Shack
177
00:07:30,946 --> 00:07:32,926
to give Randy his present ASAP.
178
00:07:33,114 --> 00:07:35,461
I decided I wasn't
gonna let those two dirtbags
179
00:07:35,462 --> 00:07:37,809
ruin what was gonna be
a great birthday.
180
00:07:37,911 --> 00:07:39,892
Randy deserved this car,
no matter
181
00:07:39,893 --> 00:07:41,873
what the judge said
about his driving.
182
00:07:42,155 --> 00:07:43,789
Didn't matter how much
it cost me.
183
00:07:43,902 --> 00:07:46,719
The look on his face was
gonna make everything worth it.
184
00:07:51,064 --> 00:07:52,435
Um, another parking space.
185
00:07:52,876 --> 00:07:54,520
Son of a bitch!
186
00:07:55,027 --> 00:07:57,008
It's one thing not to be treated
like a fellow criminal,
187
00:07:57,009 --> 00:07:58,989
but stealing my car twice?!
188
00:07:59,074 --> 00:08:00,567
Now they're treating
me like a punk.
189
00:08:00,642 --> 00:08:04,050
You are a punk, sitting here
complaining like a little bitch.
190
00:08:04,154 --> 00:08:06,886
The old Earl would just get
drunk, go steal a city bus,
191
00:08:06,952 --> 00:08:08,820
and drive it right
through their kitchen.
192
00:08:08,867 --> 00:08:10,379
Of course, if you
were the old Earl,
193
00:08:10,452 --> 00:08:12,170
they wouldn't have stolen
your car in the first place.
194
00:08:12,217 --> 00:08:13,419
True that.
195
00:08:13,570 --> 00:08:18,255
Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first
we practice to make a stupid ass list.
196
00:08:18,311 --> 00:08:19,156
You know, I hate to say it,
197
00:08:19,214 --> 00:08:22,491
but if they're gonna treat me like a
civilian, I might have to act like one.
198
00:08:23,712 --> 00:08:25,618
I might have to go to the police.
199
00:08:25,684 --> 00:08:27,881
Earl, you can't snitch!
200
00:08:27,937 --> 00:08:29,261
You know the order.
201
00:08:29,593 --> 00:08:32,907
Regular people, fat people, cops,
202
00:08:33,020 --> 00:08:38,029
al qaeda, stuff you squeeze
out of a zit, and then snitches.
203
00:08:38,154 --> 00:08:41,665
Well, then, I don't know what to do,
but I got to get Randy's car back.
204
00:08:44,379 --> 00:08:48,257
When did you move fat people above
al qaeda and stuff inside a zit?
205
00:08:48,312 --> 00:08:51,035
Saw this thing on
dateline about thyroids.
206
00:08:51,730 --> 00:08:53,298
Broke my heart.
207
00:08:54,369 --> 00:08:57,420
I was so mixed up, I
went walking for hours.
208
00:08:57,552 --> 00:08:59,871
Before I knew it, I was
near the police station,
209
00:09:00,368 --> 00:09:02,771
but I still wasn't
prepared to go in.
210
00:09:02,931 --> 00:09:05,250
I had to work out all
the pros and minuses.
211
00:09:05,354 --> 00:09:07,720
Joy might be right about the code,
212
00:09:07,785 --> 00:09:11,099
but Clyde and Bedbug said themselves,
I'm not one of them anymore.
213
00:09:11,202 --> 00:09:13,333
But snitches are the
lowest of the low.
214
00:09:13,409 --> 00:09:15,653
Do I want to be
known as that? No way.
215
00:09:15,737 --> 00:09:19,559
Well, what do I care what a bunch
of lowlifes think of me? I don't.
216
00:09:19,812 --> 00:09:21,362
I-I'm lying.
217
00:09:21,397 --> 00:09:22,505
I do care.
218
00:09:23,340 --> 00:09:27,744
But Randy deserves that car, and
I'm gonna make sure he gets it.
219
00:09:29,941 --> 00:09:31,190
Thank you.
220
00:09:35,319 --> 00:09:38,690
In the end, the most important
thing was getting randy's car back,
221
00:09:38,756 --> 00:09:40,652
so what choice did I have?
222
00:09:41,169 --> 00:09:42,371
So, your car's been stolen.
223
00:09:42,438 --> 00:09:43,762
Man, that's the pits.
224
00:09:43,941 --> 00:09:46,241
Well, sit down, we'll
fill out some forms.
225
00:09:46,401 --> 00:09:50,269
By the way, there's coffee and a bundt cake
in the break room if you're an emotional eater.
226
00:09:50,337 --> 00:09:52,703
Guilty as charged, your honor.
227
00:09:52,825 --> 00:09:56,910
Look, I was hoping we could skip the
forms, and I'd just tell you who did this--
228
00:09:57,005 --> 00:09:59,465
off the record,
just between us--
229
00:09:59,784 --> 00:10:00,977
and you could go get my car?
230
00:10:01,042 --> 00:10:01,765
You know who did it?
231
00:10:01,822 --> 00:10:03,099
That's great.
232
00:10:03,258 --> 00:10:06,254
Finding out who did it is the
part of this job that I hate.
233
00:10:06,366 --> 00:10:07,230
Who was it?
234
00:10:09,347 --> 00:10:10,972
Clyde Fowler and Bedbug.
235
00:10:11,075 --> 00:10:13,779
Wow, Earl. I never
pegged you for a snitch.
236
00:10:14,174 --> 00:10:15,948
I wasn't left with
a lot of choices.
237
00:10:16,033 --> 00:10:17,629
Well, you know what snitches get.
238
00:10:17,932 --> 00:10:18,993
Their tongues cut out?
239
00:10:19,068 --> 00:10:19,490
No.
240
00:10:19,537 --> 00:10:21,537
You get to pick a prize
from our goodie drawer.
241
00:10:21,701 --> 00:10:23,335
We got anything
you could want in here.
242
00:10:23,382 --> 00:10:25,852
We've got candy,
trinkets, novelties.
243
00:10:26,019 --> 00:10:27,587
How about my self-respect?
244
00:10:27,672 --> 00:10:31,437
You sure? We got comic books,
pizza coupons, marijuana.
245
00:10:31,512 --> 00:10:33,447
That's not supposed to be in here.
246
00:10:33,907 --> 00:10:37,212
I walked around for a while
hating the fact that I snitched,
247
00:10:37,383 --> 00:10:38,829
But what was done was done.
248
00:10:38,876 --> 00:10:40,604
At least it was all over.
249
00:10:49,360 --> 00:10:51,031
Or maybe not.
250
00:10:56,195 --> 00:10:57,275
I agree.
251
00:10:57,434 --> 00:10:59,988
It's probably got something
to do with you snitching.
252
00:11:01,463 --> 00:11:03,617
Earl, there's a present in the sink
253
00:11:03,618 --> 00:11:05,772
from either a very large
dog or a very small man.
254
00:11:05,812 --> 00:11:07,634
Well, Clyde's got one of each.
255
00:11:07,831 --> 00:11:09,991
How the hell did
they find out about this?
256
00:11:10,066 --> 00:11:11,024
What are you looking at me for?
257
00:11:11,157 --> 00:11:12,312
I am a trained professional.
258
00:11:12,415 --> 00:11:15,317
I would never compromise
the identity of a...
259
00:11:15,720 --> 00:11:17,044
Check that, I did it.
260
00:11:17,401 --> 00:11:19,138
Hey, Nichols.
261
00:11:19,476 --> 00:11:23,257
Looks like the contest
for most arrests this month is over.
262
00:11:23,460 --> 00:11:27,981
Earl Hickey just fingered Clyde Fowler
and Bedbug for all those car thefts.
263
00:11:28,066 --> 00:11:31,230
So, it looks like I'm the one
going to sunny Tallahassee.
264
00:11:31,765 --> 00:11:33,005
How do you spell Hickey?
265
00:11:33,098 --> 00:11:35,765
Uh, it's H-I...
266
00:11:36,447 --> 00:11:38,944
I got to see the letters
in front of me-- give it here.
267
00:11:39,968 --> 00:11:41,855
What did we do before texting?
268
00:11:41,958 --> 00:11:43,545
You ever think about that?
269
00:11:44,015 --> 00:11:46,821
Might as well just take you to
Clyde's house so you can bring him in,
270
00:11:46,972 --> 00:11:49,845
since they know I'm talking
to the stupid cops now anyway.
271
00:11:49,948 --> 00:11:50,840
Hey, watch the tongue.
272
00:11:50,925 --> 00:11:53,544
I remind you,
I'm the only one here with a gun.
273
00:11:54,343 --> 00:11:55,544
Aw, crap.
274
00:11:56,023 --> 00:11:57,721
Hope I left it in the cruiser.
275
00:12:00,134 --> 00:12:01,599
Where is my car, dirtbags?
276
00:12:01,693 --> 00:12:03,627
Easy, Earl, easy.
277
00:12:03,862 --> 00:12:05,805
I'm the one with the badge.
278
00:12:06,531 --> 00:12:07,244
Oh, that, too?
279
00:12:07,310 --> 00:12:08,887
I swear, it's like there's
little gremlins around.
280
00:12:09,000 --> 00:12:10,953
Would you just ask him
about the damn car?
281
00:12:11,028 --> 00:12:11,901
Right--
gentlemen,
282
00:12:11,977 --> 00:12:14,662
I'm gonna need you to tell me where
you're keeping the stolen ranchero.
283
00:12:14,809 --> 00:12:16,339
Stolen ranchero?
284
00:12:17,382 --> 00:12:19,015
There's no stolen ranchero here.
285
00:12:19,213 --> 00:12:20,208
Rancheros?
286
00:12:20,292 --> 00:12:22,180
We don't need no
stinkin' rancheros.
287
00:12:27,537 --> 00:12:29,152
You got to be kidding me! That's it?
288
00:12:29,227 --> 00:12:30,147
What else can I do?
289
00:12:30,232 --> 00:12:31,255
The case has gone cold.
290
00:12:31,368 --> 00:12:32,654
These guys are crafty.
291
00:12:32,776 --> 00:12:33,537
Crafty?
292
00:12:33,697 --> 00:12:35,528
The smartest guy
in there was the dog.
293
00:12:35,660 --> 00:12:37,529
They're idiots who happened
to know we were coming ahead
294
00:12:37,632 --> 00:12:40,299
of time because you're a
horrible police officer.
295
00:12:40,599 --> 00:12:43,670
I know when people look at me,
all they see is the gun and the badge.
296
00:12:43,773 --> 00:12:44,243
You don't even...
297
00:12:44,318 --> 00:12:45,811
When I have them.
298
00:12:46,160 --> 00:12:50,451
But under this uniform is
a human being with feelings, okay?
299
00:12:51,437 --> 00:12:53,465
Getting laughed at did two things:
300
00:12:53,529 --> 00:12:54,778
Piss me off and
301
00:12:54,881 --> 00:12:56,946
convince me I had
to steal their lowrider
302
00:12:56,947 --> 00:12:59,012
and trade it back
for my ranchero.
303
00:12:59,134 --> 00:13:00,430
Problem solved.
304
00:13:00,900 --> 00:13:02,289
Would you mind looking at me?
305
00:13:02,376 --> 00:13:04,629
We are in the middle
of a conversation.
306
00:13:05,512 --> 00:13:06,254
Fine.
307
00:13:06,526 --> 00:13:07,625
Just like my sister.
308
00:13:08,874 --> 00:13:12,395
If I was gonna steal Clyde's lowrider,
I needed help.
309
00:13:12,608 --> 00:13:14,157
Hey, Jasper.
310
00:13:14,420 --> 00:13:16,693
You know anyone who's
good at hot-wiring a car?
311
00:13:16,768 --> 00:13:18,533
I mean, not someone too expensive,
312
00:13:18,768 --> 00:13:21,002
but maybe a college kid
looking for their first break.
313
00:13:21,096 --> 00:13:22,693
I have no idea what
you're talking about.
314
00:13:22,798 --> 00:13:24,779
I'm a legitimate businessman.
315
00:13:24,883 --> 00:13:25,963
Snitch.
316
00:13:26,441 --> 00:13:27,024
What?
317
00:13:27,071 --> 00:13:28,122
Snitch.
318
00:13:28,695 --> 00:13:29,324
Wait, wait, wait, I...
319
00:13:29,380 --> 00:13:32,122
I'm saying "snitch," you
stupid, deaf tattletale.
320
00:13:32,272 --> 00:13:34,638
Obviously, you talk
a lot better than you hear.
321
00:13:36,460 --> 00:13:38,883
Great-- now my throat
really is scratchy.
322
00:13:38,930 --> 00:13:40,047
Go to hell.
323
00:13:40,611 --> 00:13:41,784
When my room got tossed,
324
00:13:41,897 --> 00:13:43,859
I was hoping only
Clyde and Bedbug
325
00:13:43,860 --> 00:13:45,822
had found out about me
talking to the cops,
326
00:13:45,936 --> 00:13:47,776
but now that Jasper knew,
327
00:13:47,777 --> 00:13:49,617
I was wondering who else did.
328
00:13:50,115 --> 00:13:51,739
Hey, Creepy Rodney.
329
00:13:51,833 --> 00:13:52,659
Snitch!
330
00:13:53,711 --> 00:13:55,364
Snitch, snitch!
331
00:13:56,761 --> 00:13:58,433
Apparently, everybody.
332
00:13:58,705 --> 00:13:59,578
Heads up, Earl.
333
00:13:59,625 --> 00:14:01,024
Mr. Wallace
is over there--
334
00:14:01,099 --> 00:14:03,047
He offered big Damien
$50 to puncture
335
00:14:03,048 --> 00:14:04,996
your kidney with a pool cue.
336
00:14:08,428 --> 00:14:10,607
Maybe you should do your drinking
someplace else for a while.
337
00:14:10,785 --> 00:14:14,053
PJ stackers out on the
interstate is nice... Duck!
338
00:14:16,469 --> 00:14:19,540
No point intended,
but that should be your cue.
339
00:14:20,206 --> 00:14:22,047
I should have known
this would have happened.
340
00:14:22,253 --> 00:14:26,217
As soon as I helped out the other team,
I got kicked off my own.
341
00:14:26,987 --> 00:14:29,264
But, even if everyone
else turned on me,
342
00:14:29,265 --> 00:14:31,541
I knew I could always
count on Randy.
343
00:14:31,682 --> 00:14:33,044
Good news, Randy.
344
00:14:33,186 --> 00:14:34,651
We're going stealing.
345
00:14:34,801 --> 00:14:37,844
Oh, my god, the stealing bag.
346
00:14:38,548 --> 00:14:40,557
It still smells like crime.
347
00:14:40,651 --> 00:14:41,937
That's right, Randy.
348
00:14:41,995 --> 00:14:44,014
It's gonna be like
the good ol' days.
349
00:14:44,399 --> 00:14:47,939
I can't tell you everything,
'cause it's kind of a tricky job,
350
00:14:48,004 --> 00:14:49,817
but we're stealing a lowrider.
351
00:14:50,249 --> 00:14:53,319
The first thing we have
to deal with is a big dog,
352
00:14:53,777 --> 00:14:56,528
so I crushed up a bunch
of sleeping pills and
353
00:14:56,659 --> 00:14:58,406
put them in some
peanut butter crackers.
354
00:14:58,594 --> 00:15:02,190
What did you say about
peanut butter... sleepy...
355
00:15:05,537 --> 00:15:07,265
Good night, Randy.
356
00:15:10,692 --> 00:15:14,354
Since Randy ate the pills,
I had to come up with a new plan.
357
00:15:14,571 --> 00:15:19,116
Fortunately, like Clyde and Bedbug,
W was a big drinker, too.
358
00:15:28,265 --> 00:15:31,157
I hadn't kept up on all
the latest trade craft,
359
00:15:31,297 --> 00:15:32,931
but I figured hot-wiring a car was
360
00:15:32,932 --> 00:15:34,565
like riding a bike
or shoplifting
361
00:15:34,659 --> 00:15:36,049
it'd come back to me.
362
00:15:40,135 --> 00:15:41,233
It didn't.
363
00:16:01,310 --> 00:16:03,198
I just couldn't leave
without taking something
364
00:16:03,301 --> 00:16:08,231
I could trade back to Clyde, and once again,
I had to come up with a new plan.
365
00:16:10,076 --> 00:16:12,048
Pull your trashcan
to the side of the road,
366
00:16:12,114 --> 00:16:13,672
and put your hands in the hair.
367
00:16:13,832 --> 00:16:15,334
Hey, there, officer Hoyne.
368
00:16:15,409 --> 00:16:18,330
I was just taking
my garbage can out...
369
00:16:18,564 --> 00:16:19,419
for a run.
370
00:16:19,482 --> 00:16:20,214
Save it,
Earl--
371
00:16:20,252 --> 00:16:22,975
I've been staking this place out
since you said I was such a bad cop.
372
00:16:23,022 --> 00:16:24,881
Well, I'm not such
a bad cop now, am I?
373
00:16:24,965 --> 00:16:27,069
I said, "put your hands in the air."
374
00:16:28,633 --> 00:16:29,732
Ah!
My god!
375
00:16:33,018 --> 00:16:36,699
Look, just give me some info on
somebody else, and you can go.
376
00:16:36,953 --> 00:16:38,295
Fine.
377
00:16:40,989 --> 00:16:42,871
I know a lazy cop who didn't wash
378
00:16:42,872 --> 00:16:44,754
his hands when he used the bathroom.
379
00:16:44,867 --> 00:16:45,693
That's very funny.
380
00:16:45,853 --> 00:16:47,778
For your information,
I didn't touch anything.
381
00:16:47,834 --> 00:16:49,496
Look, I'm not snitching again.
382
00:16:49,663 --> 00:16:51,034
Why would I give
you more information?
383
00:16:51,137 --> 00:16:53,579
It seems like the only
person you ever arrest is me.
384
00:16:53,729 --> 00:16:54,940
Come on, Earl.
385
00:16:55,287 --> 00:16:58,086
There's lots of fun stuff
in the goodie drawer.
386
00:16:58,170 --> 00:17:00,660
We got little yo-yos,
we got jelly beans.
387
00:17:00,716 --> 00:17:02,369
Lip smackers for the lady snitch.
388
00:17:02,454 --> 00:17:05,749
Oh, and we got those little toys
where you push the button and the guy falls down.
389
00:17:05,862 --> 00:17:07,083
Remember these?
390
00:17:08,256 --> 00:17:09,777
I did remember those.
391
00:17:09,862 --> 00:17:11,664
I remembered all of those.
392
00:17:12,430 --> 00:17:14,740
People could have gotten
those prizes from anywhere,
393
00:17:14,834 --> 00:17:18,397
like a dentist office
or a clown's yard sale.
394
00:17:18,519 --> 00:17:20,316
But at this point,
I had lost everything
395
00:17:20,317 --> 00:17:22,113
and was willing
to roll the dice.
396
00:17:32,598 --> 00:17:33,621
Okay...
397
00:17:34,363 --> 00:17:35,828
I'm ready to talk.
398
00:17:35,912 --> 00:17:36,598
Great.
399
00:17:37,565 --> 00:17:39,799
So, I gave him some
information about who
400
00:17:39,800 --> 00:17:42,034
was mugging people coming
out of the library.
401
00:17:42,346 --> 00:17:43,881
And if my hunch
was right, the rest
402
00:17:43,882 --> 00:17:45,417
of the work
would be done for me.
403
00:17:45,464 --> 00:17:47,022
Hey, hey, hey, felony?
404
00:17:47,147 --> 00:17:47,738
No!
405
00:17:47,804 --> 00:17:49,306
Rock is a misdemeanor.
406
00:17:49,372 --> 00:17:50,029
Sorry.
407
00:17:50,104 --> 00:17:52,564
Rock got upgraded
to a class A weapon.
408
00:17:52,677 --> 00:17:55,081
Fyi, a stick is
still a misdemeanor,
409
00:17:55,167 --> 00:17:58,472
as long as it's not too pointy and weighs
less than your run-of-the-mill rock.
410
00:17:58,566 --> 00:18:00,087
Wait, I'll talk.
411
00:18:00,172 --> 00:18:02,669
You know I always
have good information.
412
00:18:02,878 --> 00:18:04,869
Joy Turner shoplifts
from the bargain bag
413
00:18:04,916 --> 00:18:08,042
every time the security guard
does his afternoon dialysis.
414
00:18:08,122 --> 00:18:10,798
Just like dominoes,
as soon as one was pushed,
415
00:18:10,939 --> 00:18:12,075
the rest started falling.
416
00:18:12,143 --> 00:18:13,157
This is
ri-donk-ulous.
417
00:18:13,308 --> 00:18:16,434
I was wearing ten pair of panties
when I walked into that store.
418
00:18:18,106 --> 00:18:19,448
uh-uh, hold up.
419
00:18:19,627 --> 00:18:22,265
Jasper Murphy tried to sell me
a chinese baby the other day.
420
00:18:22,430 --> 00:18:23,689
Man, of course I know
their names, man.
421
00:18:23,773 --> 00:18:25,050
These are my children.
422
00:18:25,228 --> 00:18:27,153
Um, that one's Yao Ming.
423
00:18:27,332 --> 00:18:29,304
And... and this
one's, uh, general Tso.
424
00:18:29,397 --> 00:18:31,491
And... and this little guy's, um...
425
00:18:31,820 --> 00:18:32,637
Hitachi.
426
00:18:34,063 --> 00:18:34,946
Okay, okay.
427
00:18:35,190 --> 00:18:37,190
Clyde and Bedbug
don't just steal cars.
428
00:18:37,237 --> 00:18:40,608
Turns out a chain is only
as strong as its weakest link,
429
00:18:40,702 --> 00:18:44,157
and the chain of criminals in
Camden county were all weak links.
430
00:18:44,684 --> 00:18:47,989
I found out, when push came to shove,
everybody was a snitch.
431
00:18:48,205 --> 00:18:50,825
But even better,
they found out that I knew.
432
00:18:50,919 --> 00:18:52,046
Hey, Rodney.
433
00:18:52,675 --> 00:18:54,863
Turns out criminals
snitching on criminals
434
00:18:54,864 --> 00:18:57,051
was the oldest
game in Camden.
435
00:18:58,065 --> 00:18:58,807
Snitch.
436
00:18:58,863 --> 00:19:00,328
Everybody played.
437
00:19:01,755 --> 00:19:04,534
New flavor of lip smackers, Joy?
438
00:19:05,194 --> 00:19:07,597
What, now you're a snitch and a spy?
439
00:19:07,748 --> 00:19:09,335
You ought to be ashamed.
440
00:19:10,142 --> 00:19:12,104
Even the hall of famers.
441
00:19:14,679 --> 00:19:17,618
Well, well, mr. Wallace.
442
00:19:17,946 --> 00:19:22,331
I see you took the yo-yo over the
fake teeth, which is surprising,
443
00:19:22,397 --> 00:19:25,186
since it seems like
you've become very chatty.
444
00:19:25,305 --> 00:19:26,582
Fine, you got me.
445
00:19:26,816 --> 00:19:29,262
I've been in the game 70 years,
446
00:19:29,263 --> 00:19:31,708
and I'm not letting a
punk like you take me down.
447
00:19:31,896 --> 00:19:34,675
How about I give you the same
deal I gave Frankie Avalon?
448
00:19:34,873 --> 00:19:36,272
I'll make you a star.
449
00:19:36,480 --> 00:19:38,133
Ever wanted to make a record?
450
00:19:38,368 --> 00:19:40,142
I got something else in mind.
451
00:19:40,865 --> 00:19:42,715
Mr. Wallace still
had a lot of juice,
452
00:19:42,800 --> 00:19:45,279
'cause by the next morning,
I had Randy's present back.
453
00:19:45,335 --> 00:19:46,480
Look what I got you.
454
00:19:49,293 --> 00:19:50,786
I already had her.
455
00:19:50,993 --> 00:19:51,697
Not great.
456
00:19:51,857 --> 00:19:53,162
Not me, jerk.
457
00:19:53,228 --> 00:19:53,857
The car.
458
00:19:55,228 --> 00:19:56,279
For me?
459
00:19:56,514 --> 00:19:58,345
But this car is better than yours.
460
00:19:58,417 --> 00:19:59,572
That's the point.
461
00:19:59,741 --> 00:20:01,638
Happy birthday, Randy.
462
00:20:03,807 --> 00:20:07,516
Or, if it makes you
uncomfortable, we can trade.
463
00:20:11,128 --> 00:20:12,865
Thanks again, Earl.
464
00:20:12,931 --> 00:20:14,659
You're welcome, pork chop.
465
00:20:14,931 --> 00:20:16,743
Transcript: SadGeezer.com
466
00:20:16,837 --> 00:20:20,030
Karma Team
experts.heberg-forum.net