1 00:00:02,047 --> 00:00:03,038 The dresser, 2 00:00:03,164 --> 00:00:04,291 the bed spread, 3 00:00:04,451 --> 00:00:05,386 the lamp, 4 00:00:05,512 --> 00:00:06,723 the television, 5 00:00:06,854 --> 00:00:07,831 the telephone... 6 00:00:07,957 --> 00:00:11,127 Randy was pointing out all the things he was going to miss at the motel, 7 00:00:11,253 --> 00:00:12,590 'cause it was our last night there. 8 00:00:12,716 --> 00:00:13,824 We were moving. 9 00:00:13,993 --> 00:00:16,218 ...the vending machine that takes buttons... 10 00:00:16,665 --> 00:00:19,440 Paul, the sleep-walking guy from downstairs. 11 00:00:20,203 --> 00:00:22,206 Yeah, I'm going to miss Paul, too. 12 00:00:23,051 --> 00:00:24,847 We've had some good times here. 13 00:00:25,163 --> 00:00:27,445 Except for the gas leak-- that was kind of scary. 14 00:00:27,809 --> 00:00:29,021 Wasn't that bad. 15 00:00:29,156 --> 00:00:30,590 We slept through most of it. 16 00:00:31,056 --> 00:00:32,841 So why were me and Randy moving ? 17 00:00:33,115 --> 00:00:35,131 Well, I had recently realized 18 00:00:35,268 --> 00:00:37,632 that I had cheated myself out of becoming an adult. 19 00:00:37,778 --> 00:00:39,951 So I put Earl Hickey on the list. 20 00:00:40,307 --> 00:00:42,022 I got my G.E.D. 21 00:00:42,736 --> 00:00:44,232 I got a real job... 22 00:00:45,976 --> 00:00:48,583 And finally, me and Randy moved into a real apartment. 23 00:00:48,716 --> 00:00:49,703 Hey, Earl ? 24 00:00:50,545 --> 00:00:51,623 Yeah, Randy ? 25 00:00:52,836 --> 00:00:54,910 What color is the ceiling in your room ? 26 00:00:55,246 --> 00:00:55,922 White. 27 00:00:56,635 --> 00:00:57,313 Mine, too. 28 00:00:57,446 --> 00:01:00,061 Hey, why don't you two lovebirds get off channel nine ? 29 00:01:00,186 --> 00:01:01,870 This is an emergency frequency. 30 00:01:01,997 --> 00:01:03,061 Sorry, sir. 31 00:01:03,596 --> 00:01:04,782 Good night, Randy. 32 00:01:05,418 --> 00:01:06,443 Good night, Earl. 33 00:01:06,857 --> 00:01:08,520 Good night, emergency frequency. 34 00:01:08,657 --> 00:01:09,631 Get off it ! 35 00:01:16,828 --> 00:01:19,102 Me and Randy had just moved into our new apartment 36 00:01:19,227 --> 00:01:20,833 and were having our first breakfast. 37 00:01:22,836 --> 00:01:24,272 Man, everyone here is so friendly. 38 00:01:24,408 --> 00:01:27,511 I even got some helpful advice from one of our neighbors last night. 39 00:01:27,695 --> 00:01:31,182 When I go out looking for an ice machine, I should put on pants. 40 00:01:31,586 --> 00:01:33,602 Oh, and there's no ice machine. 41 00:01:33,745 --> 00:01:35,010 This is a nice place. 42 00:01:35,638 --> 00:01:38,631 But I got this weird feeling inside. 43 00:01:39,136 --> 00:01:40,722 I can't really explain it, but 44 00:01:41,737 --> 00:01:43,770 I don't know, it feels like something's missing. 45 00:01:44,867 --> 00:01:45,680 Yeah. 46 00:01:46,827 --> 00:01:49,210 I picked all the marshmallow charms out of your cereal. 47 00:01:49,347 --> 00:01:50,902 I hoped you wouldn't notice. 48 00:01:51,735 --> 00:01:52,982 Well, that's not it. 49 00:01:53,176 --> 00:01:55,772 Although I do wish you wouldn't put your hands in my cereal. 50 00:01:56,818 --> 00:01:58,451 It's just that, I don't know, 51 00:01:58,577 --> 00:02:02,013 I-I crossed off all the things on my list to become an adult, 52 00:02:02,666 --> 00:02:03,860 and I don't know, I just... 53 00:02:04,237 --> 00:02:06,031 I don't feel like I thought I would. 54 00:02:09,257 --> 00:02:11,611 Wait, let that thing I bought answer it. 55 00:02:12,617 --> 00:02:14,680 Hello ! This is a Mr. T impersonator. 56 00:02:14,806 --> 00:02:17,702 I pity the fool who doesn't leave a message for... 57 00:02:18,045 --> 00:02:19,453 ...Randy and Earl. 58 00:02:20,498 --> 00:02:22,330 That was so worth 20 bucks. 59 00:02:22,467 --> 00:02:24,953 Earl, get your ass down to the jail right now. 60 00:02:25,088 --> 00:02:26,130 I'm in big trouble. 61 00:02:26,257 --> 00:02:27,342 There's about to be a race riot, 62 00:02:27,467 --> 00:02:29,433 and me and the baby are on different sides. 63 00:02:32,048 --> 00:02:34,342 How'd you end up in jail ? I thought you were hiding in Mexico. 64 00:02:34,468 --> 00:02:35,972 Yeah, well, running from the law wasn't as easy 65 00:02:36,107 --> 00:02:37,653 as they made it look on The Dukes of Hazzard. 66 00:02:37,788 --> 00:02:39,593 Joy was in a heap of trouble. 67 00:02:40,118 --> 00:02:43,022 It started last fall when she stole a truck and got arrested. 68 00:02:44,386 --> 00:02:46,432 Unfortunately, it was a third strike, 69 00:02:46,556 --> 00:02:48,631 and now she was facing life in prison. 70 00:02:49,125 --> 00:02:51,421 So Joy took an unscheduled vacation... 71 00:02:54,418 --> 00:02:55,360 Mexico. 72 00:02:57,138 --> 00:02:58,973 And things were going well for a while. 73 00:03:03,395 --> 00:03:04,432 Oh, my God. 74 00:03:04,567 --> 00:03:05,660 Oh, my God. 75 00:03:05,938 --> 00:03:07,422 You're Dog, the Bounty Hunter. 76 00:03:08,517 --> 00:03:10,211 I am your biggest fan. 77 00:03:10,347 --> 00:03:11,171 My name is Joy. 78 00:03:11,297 --> 00:03:13,462 Turner, I got a warrant for your arrest, baby. 79 00:03:13,596 --> 00:03:16,752 Bail jumping and interstate flight to avoid prosecution. 80 00:03:16,878 --> 00:03:19,253 Oh, Chascuito... 81 00:03:19,385 --> 00:03:20,481 This is crazy, Joy. 82 00:03:20,605 --> 00:03:22,320 You keep making things worse for yourself. 83 00:03:22,447 --> 00:03:24,061 Running away makes you look guilty. 84 00:03:24,198 --> 00:03:25,652 Look, I'm freaking out, okay ? 85 00:03:25,865 --> 00:03:27,823 I could go away for life ! You know how long that is ? 86 00:03:27,948 --> 00:03:29,292 Well, depends on how long you... 87 00:03:29,427 --> 00:03:30,801 70 more years. 88 00:03:30,935 --> 00:03:32,090 Look at my lifeline ! 89 00:03:34,047 --> 00:03:37,103 Now listen, my deaf lawyer said that I have to have good character witnesses, 90 00:03:37,235 --> 00:03:39,271 and I need you to go find them for me. 91 00:03:39,577 --> 00:03:40,912 Now, write these names down. 92 00:03:41,078 --> 00:03:42,440 So, it's not fun huh ? 93 00:03:42,576 --> 00:03:44,263 It's lonely in solitary. 94 00:03:44,578 --> 00:03:45,752 I miss my cell mate. 95 00:03:45,887 --> 00:03:49,143 - Why'd they put you in solitary ? - I killed my cell mate. 96 00:03:49,887 --> 00:03:53,130 I stopped by the trailer to see how Darnell was doing on his own. 97 00:03:56,797 --> 00:04:00,042 I didn't really need to ask, 'cause his hair is like a mood ring. 98 00:04:00,176 --> 00:04:03,643 The kids found the sugar and the Fourth of July poppers. 99 00:04:04,347 --> 00:04:06,860 They've been awake for 36 hours. 100 00:04:07,895 --> 00:04:08,950 Whoo ! 101 00:04:09,335 --> 00:04:11,751 Why is Mr. Turtle taped to the ceiling window ? 102 00:04:12,057 --> 00:04:13,513 Oh, that's where he is ? 103 00:04:14,058 --> 00:04:15,472 I thought he ran away. 104 00:04:15,967 --> 00:04:17,101 I wouldn't blame him. 105 00:04:17,248 --> 00:04:20,041 Want me to get him down ? He-He looks kind of scared. 106 00:04:20,178 --> 00:04:22,243 His tiny turtle butt's all puckered up. 107 00:04:22,446 --> 00:04:24,513 He's probably safer up there. 108 00:04:25,347 --> 00:04:28,120 I'm having a little trouble controlling the kids, Earl. 109 00:04:28,256 --> 00:04:31,810 And keeping up with the chores and my shifts at work. 110 00:04:32,235 --> 00:04:33,331 Ow ! 111 00:04:34,828 --> 00:04:38,710 Dodge, uh... how about you stop hitting Old Daddy with firecrackers 112 00:04:38,836 --> 00:04:42,412 and go eat sugar with your brother while I talk to New Daddy, okay ? 113 00:04:44,036 --> 00:04:45,783 Here, go help them with the clothes. 114 00:04:47,707 --> 00:04:48,962 Come on, kids... 115 00:04:49,388 --> 00:04:51,073 Look, Crab Man, if you want, me and Randy 116 00:04:51,207 --> 00:04:53,961 can take the kids off your hands for a while, give you a break. 117 00:04:54,417 --> 00:04:56,351 Get the perk back into your hair. 118 00:04:57,736 --> 00:05:01,543 Thanks, Earl, but it's not just taking care of the kids. 119 00:05:02,105 --> 00:05:03,652 I don't think I can do this. 120 00:05:04,418 --> 00:05:06,141 I can't live without Joy. 121 00:05:07,098 --> 00:05:09,092 She's the other half of my heart. 122 00:05:11,487 --> 00:05:12,412 That's sweet. 123 00:05:12,635 --> 00:05:14,051 She's got the other piece ? 124 00:05:14,217 --> 00:05:14,932 No. 125 00:05:15,068 --> 00:05:16,680 It's somewhere in my colon. 126 00:05:16,807 --> 00:05:19,783 She made me eat her half when we got into a fight once. 127 00:05:19,938 --> 00:05:21,082 I miss her, Earl. 128 00:05:21,207 --> 00:05:23,651 Without that woman in my life, I'm nothing. 129 00:05:23,788 --> 00:05:26,160 That's when I realized what was missing in my life. 130 00:05:26,435 --> 00:05:28,443 The one adult thing I didn't have yet. 131 00:05:28,597 --> 00:05:31,323 A woman to love and share a tiny gold heart necklace with. 132 00:05:32,395 --> 00:05:34,411 Truth was, I'd met a woman a year before 133 00:05:34,545 --> 00:05:36,331 I probably could have felt that way about. 134 00:05:36,455 --> 00:05:38,273 Her name was Alex the professor. 135 00:05:38,406 --> 00:05:39,630 We'd had a connection, but 136 00:05:39,816 --> 00:05:42,121 Karma didn't think I was ready for a relationship, 137 00:05:42,257 --> 00:05:44,501 so it sent bees to sting our faces. 138 00:05:44,757 --> 00:05:47,690 The time wasn't right then, but now I thought maybe it was. 139 00:05:47,905 --> 00:05:50,340 I had made a lot of personal progress since then, 140 00:05:50,467 --> 00:05:52,802 including learning the phrase "personal progress." 141 00:05:53,707 --> 00:05:55,630 Stop, stop, stop ! Nipples are out of bounds. 142 00:05:55,766 --> 00:05:56,842 Nipples are out of bounds ! 143 00:05:56,965 --> 00:05:59,100 Guys, stop screaming. I'm making a call here. 144 00:06:01,113 --> 00:06:03,596 You have reached the voice message system for... 145 00:06:03,721 --> 00:06:05,027 Alex Myers. 146 00:06:05,143 --> 00:06:07,225 To leave a message, press one. 147 00:06:08,309 --> 00:06:10,091 You have made an invalid entry. 148 00:06:10,217 --> 00:06:12,410 If you would like to leave a message, press one. 149 00:06:12,545 --> 00:06:14,640 I don't have buttons. I just have holes. 150 00:06:19,918 --> 00:06:22,891 Oh ! Hey, Randy, I think you just screamed a "one" tone. 151 00:06:23,798 --> 00:06:26,791 Uh, Alex, this is Earl Hickey. 152 00:06:27,125 --> 00:06:29,540 Uh, you know, the guy with the list and the mustache. 153 00:06:30,457 --> 00:06:34,032 Well, you told me to call you when I was ready for a relationship, 154 00:06:34,647 --> 00:06:37,833 and, well, I've matured and I think I'm ready for one now. So 155 00:06:38,435 --> 00:06:39,523 give me a buzz. 156 00:06:40,607 --> 00:06:42,070 That was supposed to be a joke. 157 00:06:42,445 --> 00:06:43,542 Remember the bees ? 158 00:06:43,845 --> 00:06:45,423 Uh... call me. 159 00:06:49,365 --> 00:06:51,172 Damn it, I forgot to lve my number. 160 00:06:53,968 --> 00:06:55,780 Boys, when I point to you, tickle Uncle Randy 161 00:06:55,916 --> 00:06:57,723 until he screams the "one" tone again. 162 00:06:59,545 --> 00:07:01,951 I wanted to wait by the phone for Alex to call, but 163 00:07:02,086 --> 00:07:05,592 I had use most of my lunch hour to find character witnesses for Joy. 164 00:07:05,795 --> 00:07:07,892 I started with her old best friend, Lulu. 165 00:07:08,026 --> 00:07:09,942 I haven't seen her in a few years. 166 00:07:10,098 --> 00:07:12,481 Last time she was here, she drank too much cherry wine 167 00:07:12,616 --> 00:07:14,641 and had a threesome with my parents. 168 00:07:14,778 --> 00:07:16,452 Oh, yeah, I remember that night. 169 00:07:16,906 --> 00:07:18,101 We were still married. 170 00:07:18,958 --> 00:07:21,312 You know, that was not a fun car ride home. 171 00:07:22,676 --> 00:07:24,773 Well, uh, thanks anyway. 172 00:07:25,806 --> 00:07:27,671 Next, I went to see Joy's minister. 173 00:07:27,976 --> 00:07:29,573 You can't get much better than a man of God 174 00:07:29,707 --> 00:07:30,892 as a character witness. 175 00:07:31,436 --> 00:07:35,250 Last time I saw her, she came to church wearing a denim bikini. 176 00:07:35,416 --> 00:07:37,903 When I told her it wasn't appropriate, she said, 177 00:07:38,025 --> 00:07:40,322 "You don't think Jesus would want a piece of this ?" 178 00:07:42,186 --> 00:07:43,913 I'll put you down as a "no." 179 00:07:45,687 --> 00:07:48,621 Later, I almost got a celebrity to give Joy's endorsement. 180 00:07:48,757 --> 00:07:51,021 But unfortunately, he had a scheduling conflict. 181 00:07:51,146 --> 00:07:53,643 Oh, I'd love to, but my family called, 182 00:07:53,767 --> 00:07:56,183 and they just booked me a guest star role 183 00:07:56,315 --> 00:07:59,653 on some reality show called Intervention. 184 00:07:59,777 --> 00:08:00,821 It should be fun. 185 00:08:00,956 --> 00:08:02,410 They're meeting me there. 186 00:08:10,366 --> 00:08:12,643 So, I took a long shot and even asked Catalina. 187 00:08:12,777 --> 00:08:14,363 Gracias por ver nuestra programa. 188 00:08:14,497 --> 00:08:16,461 Los vamos a extrañar este verano. 189 00:08:16,597 --> 00:08:18,493 ¿No te parece cómico que Earl piensa 190 00:08:18,618 --> 00:08:21,643 que yo le estoy diciendo cuanto yo ódio a Joy, pero en reálidad 191 00:08:21,775 --> 00:08:23,671 le estoy diciendo cuanto la quiero ? 192 00:08:23,988 --> 00:08:25,531 No, no, no, no, no, no, no... 193 00:08:25,768 --> 00:08:27,550 What are you doing in our room ? 194 00:08:27,967 --> 00:08:29,482 This happens every year. 195 00:08:34,625 --> 00:08:36,372 You got two new messages, fool ! 196 00:08:39,017 --> 00:08:40,931 Hey, Earl, it's Alex. 197 00:08:41,068 --> 00:08:42,922 It was so great to hear from you. 198 00:08:43,058 --> 00:08:44,960 I'm so happy your life is going well. 199 00:08:45,957 --> 00:08:48,063 I have some news. 200 00:08:48,417 --> 00:08:51,352 I got married two months ago. Um... 201 00:08:51,597 --> 00:08:55,052 I'm sorry our timing didn't work out. You're a great guy. 202 00:08:55,407 --> 00:08:56,820 I hope you have a wonderful life. 203 00:08:56,958 --> 00:08:57,870 You deserve it. 204 00:08:59,768 --> 00:09:01,190 Hey, dummy, hurry up ! 205 00:09:01,315 --> 00:09:04,273 My deaf lawyer won't shut up about needing those character witnesses. 206 00:09:04,406 --> 00:09:06,733 She's talking so much I think she sprained her pinky. 207 00:09:08,406 --> 00:09:09,983 Hey, Tasha, did you hear that ? 208 00:09:10,107 --> 00:09:11,693 Did you hear what I said about my lawyer ? 209 00:09:12,205 --> 00:09:13,580 Now, give me some of those Doritos. 210 00:09:16,638 --> 00:09:18,180 I went to Joy's lawyer's office 211 00:09:18,307 --> 00:09:20,922 feeling bad that I didn't find any character witnesses, and 212 00:09:21,055 --> 00:09:24,591 even worse, that I'd never find a woman as pretty and smart as Alex. 213 00:09:27,368 --> 00:09:28,113 Hello ? 214 00:09:33,715 --> 00:09:35,180 And then I met Ruby. 215 00:09:40,137 --> 00:09:41,631 I was pretty blown away was I saw 216 00:09:41,767 --> 00:09:43,612 Joy's deaf lawyer for the first time. 217 00:09:43,747 --> 00:09:46,311 If my hands could talk, they would have said "wow." 218 00:09:46,438 --> 00:09:48,953 She thinks you'll be a good character witness. 219 00:09:49,088 --> 00:09:50,702 Me ? Really ? 220 00:09:51,625 --> 00:09:52,643 Is it 'cause I'm... 221 00:09:52,806 --> 00:09:54,800 tall and have a handsome mustache ? 222 00:09:55,106 --> 00:09:56,832 She didn't mention that. 223 00:09:56,965 --> 00:09:59,973 Probably because she's not into the Village People. 224 00:10:00,857 --> 00:10:03,983 Even though you've got a bit of a checkered past, 225 00:10:04,117 --> 00:10:07,401 this list shows that you've really turned your life around. 226 00:10:08,265 --> 00:10:11,112 Judges and juries eat that stuff up. 227 00:10:11,427 --> 00:10:13,591 Well, tell her I'd be honored to be a witness. 228 00:10:13,718 --> 00:10:15,993 I've never told the truth in court before. 229 00:10:16,876 --> 00:10:18,652 We're talking about Joy's character. 230 00:10:18,777 --> 00:10:21,242 Try not to tell too much of the truth. 231 00:10:22,638 --> 00:10:24,320 I couldn't tell if Ruby liked me, or 232 00:10:24,446 --> 00:10:27,013 if she was touching me with her talking hands as punctuation. 233 00:10:27,148 --> 00:10:31,163 - But either way, I liked it. - Randy, I need your help. I... 234 00:10:31,328 --> 00:10:31,993 You're going to wake them up. 235 00:10:32,115 --> 00:10:34,182 This is the first time they've slept in three days. 236 00:10:34,306 --> 00:10:36,062 Randy, he's getting ice cream on the carpet. 237 00:10:36,197 --> 00:10:37,551 Touch them and you die. 238 00:10:38,248 --> 00:10:38,952 I'm sorry. 239 00:10:39,086 --> 00:10:40,640 I'm just a little frazzled. 240 00:10:41,297 --> 00:10:42,930 What was it you need help with ? 241 00:10:43,267 --> 00:10:45,873 Well, I think I found the girl I'm supposed to share 242 00:10:46,008 --> 00:10:47,972 a tiny half-heart gold necklace with. 243 00:10:48,096 --> 00:10:50,772 Is it the lanky girl that always does karaoke at the Crab Shack ? 244 00:10:50,897 --> 00:10:53,193 She was crawling towards you when she sang Like a Virgin. 245 00:10:53,325 --> 00:10:55,403 Nope, it's Joy's deaf lawyer. 246 00:10:56,047 --> 00:10:58,082 But I just don't know how to ask a deaf woman out. 247 00:10:58,207 --> 00:11:00,273 Well, since she can't hear you, it doesn't matter what you say. 248 00:11:00,408 --> 00:11:02,792 Just look cool while you're saying it, like this... 249 00:11:10,728 --> 00:11:12,652 For once I was excited to go down to the jail, 250 00:11:12,788 --> 00:11:15,103 'cause it meant I got to see Ruby again. 251 00:11:15,386 --> 00:11:17,810 Hey, how's Darnell holding up ? 252 00:11:17,947 --> 00:11:18,541 Darnell ? 253 00:11:18,627 --> 00:11:21,902 He's, uh... He's, uh... 254 00:11:30,105 --> 00:11:31,822 This crab is still alive. 255 00:11:37,078 --> 00:11:38,961 I'll be right back with your soda. 256 00:11:40,677 --> 00:11:42,343 Good, he's good. 257 00:11:42,468 --> 00:11:45,492 I didn't want to worry Joy with how flat Crab Man's hair was. 258 00:11:45,627 --> 00:11:48,210 Besides, I was more interested in looking cool for Ruby. 259 00:11:48,338 --> 00:11:50,393 She wants to know any good stories 260 00:11:50,527 --> 00:11:52,830 that would make a jury feel sorry for Joy. 261 00:11:53,078 --> 00:11:55,812 Oh, tell them how I had to put a towel over your chest during sex, 262 00:11:55,936 --> 00:11:58,002 so I wouldn't get rug burns. That'll make them feel sorry for me. 263 00:11:58,137 --> 00:11:59,402 No, no, no, no, no, no, no. 264 00:11:59,537 --> 00:12:00,281 We can skip that. 265 00:12:00,417 --> 00:12:02,211 Not if it helps out my case. 266 00:12:02,618 --> 00:12:04,632 Oh, tell them how I had to listen to you cry 267 00:12:04,758 --> 00:12:07,432 about having those semi-gay dreams about that guy from 90210. 268 00:12:07,568 --> 00:12:10,021 Uh, R-R-Ruby doesn't need to hear about that. 269 00:12:10,247 --> 00:12:12,223 What do you care if she knows ? 270 00:12:14,197 --> 00:12:15,720 Oh, my God. 271 00:12:15,848 --> 00:12:17,292 You want to jump her bones. 272 00:12:17,417 --> 00:12:18,132 No, I don't. 273 00:12:18,267 --> 00:12:19,891 Yes, you do. 274 00:12:20,277 --> 00:12:23,593 Earl and my lawyer sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S... 275 00:12:23,725 --> 00:12:24,362 What are you doing ? 276 00:12:24,496 --> 00:12:26,360 Will you stop signing everything she's saying ? ! 277 00:12:26,496 --> 00:12:27,670 I got this one, Doug. 278 00:12:28,095 --> 00:12:31,792 My stupid ex-husband wants to do you. 279 00:12:33,898 --> 00:12:35,092 That's okay. 280 00:12:36,765 --> 00:12:39,363 Maybe we should talk about this over dinner. 281 00:12:39,525 --> 00:12:40,933 Oh, my God. 282 00:12:41,457 --> 00:12:42,821 You like him back. 283 00:12:46,836 --> 00:12:49,583 Well, the good thing is you won't be able to hear his sex sounds. 284 00:12:49,715 --> 00:12:51,791 It's happening, it's happening... 285 00:12:51,926 --> 00:12:55,233 Joy ! Doug, I will take those hands away from you. 286 00:12:55,396 --> 00:12:57,223 So me and Ruby went to dinner. 287 00:12:57,355 --> 00:12:59,793 Since I'd never been on a date with a deaf lady before, 288 00:12:59,915 --> 00:13:01,472 I wanted to be prepared. 289 00:13:05,978 --> 00:13:07,213 I can read lips. 290 00:13:07,667 --> 00:13:10,390 Yeah, I know, it's just that I'm going to be eating in a little bit 291 00:13:10,515 --> 00:13:12,721 and I didn't want you to have to stare at my chewed-up food. 292 00:13:12,855 --> 00:13:14,481 Oh, okay. 293 00:13:25,378 --> 00:13:27,242 Oh, uh, that's, uh... 294 00:13:27,628 --> 00:13:28,523 That's f-for later. 295 00:13:28,657 --> 00:13:31,713 You know, just in case of hanky-panky. 296 00:13:32,196 --> 00:13:34,212 Look, I'm sorry, let me get rid of that. 297 00:13:36,545 --> 00:13:37,641 Hold on to this. 298 00:13:37,777 --> 00:13:38,873 You never know. 299 00:13:40,547 --> 00:13:41,162 Man ! 300 00:13:41,297 --> 00:13:43,683 Something about her accent really turned me on. 301 00:13:45,437 --> 00:13:46,433 And, later that night, 302 00:13:46,567 --> 00:13:48,610 she did more with my lips than just read them. 303 00:13:54,867 --> 00:13:55,491 Yes. 304 00:13:56,475 --> 00:13:57,212 Twice. 305 00:13:58,277 --> 00:13:59,482 I was feeling good. 306 00:13:59,718 --> 00:14:02,793 I had a job, my G.E.D., an apartment, 307 00:14:02,927 --> 00:14:05,043 and a hot, professional, deaf girlfriend. 308 00:14:05,406 --> 00:14:06,932 And it was all 'cause of my list. 309 00:14:07,805 --> 00:14:10,000 This shows such good character. 310 00:14:10,868 --> 00:14:12,860 Well, I am a character witness. 311 00:14:16,818 --> 00:14:18,331 You could cross this off. 312 00:14:20,256 --> 00:14:22,762 Number 33: "Been a lazy lover." 313 00:14:23,085 --> 00:14:24,362 Well, thank you, Ruby. 314 00:14:27,065 --> 00:14:28,490 That means "thank you." 315 00:14:28,898 --> 00:14:31,022 Now I can understand two things in sign language : 316 00:14:31,148 --> 00:14:33,373 "Thank you" and "Your knee is on my hair." 317 00:14:33,528 --> 00:14:37,282 My life was finally perfect, until Ruby read my list. 318 00:14:38,767 --> 00:14:40,970 Hey ! This is me. 319 00:14:42,807 --> 00:14:44,851 Turns out, those little ethnic robot kids 320 00:14:44,988 --> 00:14:47,153 who sang "It's a Small World" weren't kidding. 321 00:14:47,716 --> 00:14:49,540 A couple years ago, me and Randy found out 322 00:14:49,665 --> 00:14:51,561 there was a deaf person living in Camden. 323 00:14:53,456 --> 00:14:55,413 We decided it would be really easy to rob her. 324 00:14:56,425 --> 00:14:58,412 Randy, where did you go ? I got in ! 325 00:15:00,548 --> 00:15:02,932 Whoo-hoo ! Robbing the deaf ! 326 00:15:06,407 --> 00:15:07,743 It wasn't me ! 327 00:15:07,865 --> 00:15:11,133 I mean, it was me, but it was the old me, the preadult Earl. 328 00:15:11,258 --> 00:15:12,432 You stole my cat. 329 00:15:12,568 --> 00:15:14,572 Well, to be fair, the cat followed us. 330 00:15:15,725 --> 00:15:17,150 This was a mistake ! 331 00:15:17,277 --> 00:15:18,932 Well, I don't think it was a mistake. 332 00:15:19,065 --> 00:15:20,450 I think it was beautiful. 333 00:15:20,618 --> 00:15:23,320 In fact, it was one of the greatest nights I've ever had ! 334 00:15:23,677 --> 00:15:24,272 But it doesn't matter, 335 00:15:24,347 --> 00:15:26,751 'cause you can't hear a single word I'm saying right now. 336 00:15:27,588 --> 00:15:28,453 Damn it. 337 00:15:33,687 --> 00:15:36,090 This was it. The big day. 338 00:15:36,605 --> 00:15:37,952 Joy's trial. 339 00:15:40,368 --> 00:15:43,302 And with her facing the possibility of going away for life, 340 00:15:43,506 --> 00:15:45,673 I wanted to make sure the jury had a real good view 341 00:15:45,796 --> 00:15:48,480 of Darnell's droopy hair and the kids' sad little faces. 342 00:15:54,998 --> 00:15:57,423 Oh, these are, uh... saved for some kids. 343 00:15:57,555 --> 00:16:00,903 Uh, it's their mom's first trial. It's kind of special. 344 00:16:09,548 --> 00:16:10,550 I felt awful. 345 00:16:10,677 --> 00:16:13,072 I hoped to be able to talk to Ruby at the trial, but 346 00:16:13,196 --> 00:16:15,460 it was clear she didn't want to talk to me. 347 00:16:23,168 --> 00:16:24,080 Hey, Crab Man. 348 00:16:24,208 --> 00:16:25,353 Hey, Crab Man. 349 00:16:34,495 --> 00:16:37,012 I brought a Weeble for the judge to whack with his wood hammer. 350 00:16:37,146 --> 00:16:39,620 I always wanted to see what made these things not fall down. 351 00:16:39,756 --> 00:16:41,013 What happened to your nose ? 352 00:16:41,148 --> 00:16:42,631 Those kids are wild, Earl. 353 00:16:42,756 --> 00:16:45,471 While I was sleeping, they shoved about 20 M&Ms up there. 354 00:16:45,605 --> 00:16:47,440 He's been sneezing them out for the last hour. 355 00:16:47,576 --> 00:16:49,502 They melt in your mouth, but not in your nose. 356 00:16:49,635 --> 00:16:52,250 The kids were crazy, and Darnell was a mess. 357 00:16:52,375 --> 00:16:55,512 This family was coming apart like a burrito without a tortilla. 358 00:16:55,647 --> 00:16:58,481 And this family's tortilla could be going away for life. 359 00:16:58,788 --> 00:17:01,892 Even with her future at stake, she still knew a mother's job 360 00:17:02,025 --> 00:17:03,293 was to make her kids feel comfortable. 361 00:17:03,426 --> 00:17:04,482 Here, boys. 362 00:17:04,907 --> 00:17:07,290 Saved you my pudding cups from my last two lunches. 363 00:17:07,428 --> 00:17:08,491 Thanks. 364 00:17:08,707 --> 00:17:09,621 Be seated. 365 00:17:10,078 --> 00:17:10,980 This was it. 366 00:17:11,115 --> 00:17:13,400 It was finally time for the trial to begin, 367 00:17:14,748 --> 00:17:16,763 and we needed everything to go perfectly. 368 00:17:18,476 --> 00:17:20,681 Then Doug ate one of Darnell's lemon squares. 369 00:17:20,818 --> 00:17:22,760 There's a razor blade in this ! 370 00:17:26,458 --> 00:17:29,322 I'm sorry, baby. I might have mixed up his batch of squares with yours. 371 00:17:29,458 --> 00:17:31,801 Damn it ! How am I supposed to keep my legs smooth ? 372 00:17:31,937 --> 00:17:33,303 And cut bitches ? 373 00:17:33,768 --> 00:17:35,873 Since Doug couldn't interpret for Ruby, 374 00:17:36,008 --> 00:17:37,823 we had to find a new translator. 375 00:17:38,515 --> 00:17:41,242 We did find one but, well, she didn't speak English. 376 00:17:49,027 --> 00:17:51,962 Which meant we had to have a translator for the translator. 377 00:17:52,558 --> 00:17:55,942 We will prove Joy Turner is guilty. 378 00:18:01,778 --> 00:18:04,062 My bad. Not guilty. 379 00:18:04,425 --> 00:18:07,922 I'm sorry. My Mandarin is a little rusty. 380 00:18:09,468 --> 00:18:11,761 Our defense team had Joy a little worried, and 381 00:18:11,885 --> 00:18:14,700 it didn't get better when the other team laid out their evidence. 382 00:18:14,828 --> 00:18:18,503 15 sets of prints matching Joy Turner's. 383 00:18:20,628 --> 00:18:21,420 Wow ! 384 00:18:21,548 --> 00:18:25,142 So this is actually a security photo of the defendant 385 00:18:25,266 --> 00:18:30,070 running towards the truck 30 seconds before it was stolen. 386 00:18:31,216 --> 00:18:32,033 Wow ! 387 00:18:34,135 --> 00:18:36,381 She was there moments before the theft, 388 00:18:36,508 --> 00:18:38,681 and seemed threatening and menacing ? 389 00:18:38,806 --> 00:18:40,141 She was crazed. 390 00:18:40,566 --> 00:18:42,112 And I'm not exaggerating. 391 00:18:42,245 --> 00:18:44,110 I know crazy when I see it. 392 00:18:45,205 --> 00:18:48,220 When I was a baby, my mother once tried to cook me. 393 00:18:49,345 --> 00:18:52,343 She was baby-cooking crazy ! 394 00:18:53,295 --> 00:18:54,013 Wow ! 395 00:18:55,766 --> 00:18:56,620 We object ! 396 00:18:56,746 --> 00:19:00,761 Luckily, what Ruby lacked in ears she made up for in brain power. 397 00:19:01,378 --> 00:19:03,481 She discredited the fingerprints... 398 00:19:05,308 --> 00:19:09,422 And there were 16 other sets of unidentified prints on the car. 399 00:19:09,557 --> 00:19:10,922 Now that is a "Wow !" 400 00:19:13,867 --> 00:19:15,222 And she discredited the witness. 401 00:19:15,346 --> 00:19:18,160 Is it true that you have called the Camden Police Department 402 00:19:18,297 --> 00:19:19,671 three times in the past year 403 00:19:19,805 --> 00:19:21,891 to report a lizard in your kitchen ? 404 00:19:22,016 --> 00:19:23,170 It was a baby alligator. 405 00:19:23,306 --> 00:19:25,053 It was a lizard ! 406 00:19:25,326 --> 00:19:26,811 She even discredited the photos. 407 00:19:30,147 --> 00:19:34,140 Do you know how many things can happen in the span of 30 seconds ? 408 00:19:43,557 --> 00:19:44,871 I may be a deaf woman, 409 00:19:44,997 --> 00:19:49,562 but even I can hear that these photographs scream, "Not guilty !" 410 00:19:53,007 --> 00:19:55,512 Damn, girl, did you see how red that prosecutor's face was ? 411 00:19:55,648 --> 00:19:57,410 He looked like President What's-His-Name probably did 412 00:19:57,536 --> 00:19:59,271 when he found out that intern kept that dress. 413 00:19:59,397 --> 00:20:02,981 Yeah, that was great lawyering, Ruby. I was really, really impressed. 414 00:20:04,175 --> 00:20:06,081 Let's not get ahead of ourselves. 415 00:20:06,558 --> 00:20:09,112 This is stupid. Why don't you just talk ? 416 00:20:09,238 --> 00:20:10,801 Stop complaining. 417 00:20:11,137 --> 00:20:12,621 Are you mocking me ? 418 00:20:13,066 --> 00:20:14,343 Just do your job. 419 00:20:17,227 --> 00:20:18,843 Let's not get too excited. 420 00:20:18,966 --> 00:20:20,990 Right now, the jury could still go either way. 421 00:20:21,117 --> 00:20:22,443 It's still 50/50. 422 00:20:22,576 --> 00:20:25,462 Ruby explained that the telltale sign of a jury on the fence 423 00:20:25,597 --> 00:20:27,072 was if they were taking notes. 424 00:20:27,225 --> 00:20:30,413 Once they stopped and leaned back, they had made their decision. 425 00:20:31,367 --> 00:20:32,952 We should get back in there. 426 00:20:35,976 --> 00:20:38,821 Do you have any last-minute advice before I take the stand ? 427 00:20:38,946 --> 00:20:41,742 Yes. Pretend you're not an ass. 428 00:20:42,115 --> 00:20:43,611 Ruby, please. 429 00:20:43,736 --> 00:20:45,920 Can we just talk about this ? I feel awful. 430 00:20:46,056 --> 00:20:48,060 I'm not listening to you ! 431 00:20:50,768 --> 00:20:52,962 Ruby didn't want to hear my excuses, but 432 00:20:53,098 --> 00:20:56,130 she made sure the jury heard everything I had to say about Joy. 433 00:20:56,305 --> 00:21:00,250 And, even with a hangover, PMS and two infected tattoos, 434 00:21:00,388 --> 00:21:02,651 Joy still managed to bring five buckets of KFC 435 00:21:02,785 --> 00:21:04,710 to Dodge's kindergarten graduation. 436 00:21:04,898 --> 00:21:08,061 I could tell the jury was with me, so I just kept talking. 437 00:21:08,567 --> 00:21:11,993 And, when our neighbor was sick, she fed his two dogs all week. 438 00:21:12,127 --> 00:21:15,141 She would have fed his cat, but she didn't know he had one. 439 00:21:15,287 --> 00:21:16,271 That wasn't her fault. 440 00:21:16,407 --> 00:21:18,380 She knows all the words to "My Sharona." 441 00:21:18,666 --> 00:21:21,092 Floodwaters were up to here, and she was, like, 442 00:21:21,227 --> 00:21:23,252 "Come on, dummy, you can stand on my car." 443 00:21:23,626 --> 00:21:25,840 She cried when Mr. Rogers died. 444 00:21:26,145 --> 00:21:29,340 She's got a cool little song she does that helps her spell "Mississippi." 445 00:21:29,636 --> 00:21:30,893 She can yodel. 446 00:21:31,805 --> 00:21:33,370 How she balanced that dead pony 447 00:21:33,507 --> 00:21:36,561 on two pairs of roller skates I will never know, 448 00:21:36,685 --> 00:21:39,040 but every single kid at that party got a ride. 449 00:21:39,166 --> 00:21:41,260 When I saw the jury leaning back and smiling, 450 00:21:41,395 --> 00:21:42,962 I knew my work was done. 451 00:21:43,097 --> 00:21:47,533 And, on top of it all, she was born in the U.S. of A. 452 00:21:48,527 --> 00:21:49,473 Thank you. 453 00:21:49,807 --> 00:21:51,390 That was fun, huh ? 454 00:21:54,926 --> 00:21:56,330 Your witness, bitch ! 455 00:21:56,638 --> 00:21:59,422 Oh, he's, uh... he's still learning English. 456 00:22:00,285 --> 00:22:01,591 Afternoon, Mr. Hickey. 457 00:22:02,015 --> 00:22:03,160 - After... - You said something 458 00:22:03,286 --> 00:22:04,541 that interested me. 459 00:22:04,667 --> 00:22:09,261 Your relationship with Joy Turner had ups and downs ? 460 00:22:09,396 --> 00:22:11,290 - Well, it was, uh... mostly up. - Was it an up... 461 00:22:11,646 --> 00:22:13,080 when she tried to strangle you 462 00:22:13,205 --> 00:22:15,352 with the laces from your own work boots ? 463 00:22:15,477 --> 00:22:17,663 Oh, I do... I don't think she was trying to kill me. 464 00:22:17,787 --> 00:22:20,781 She was just showing me how she'd kill me if she was gonna kill me. 465 00:22:20,978 --> 00:22:22,223 How do you know about that ? 466 00:22:22,426 --> 00:22:23,393 You told me. 467 00:22:26,047 --> 00:22:27,912 911. What's your emergency ? 468 00:22:28,045 --> 00:22:30,061 Oh, my God ! You got to send help ! 469 00:22:30,197 --> 00:22:31,911 She's trying to strangle me with one of my work boots ! 470 00:22:32,047 --> 00:22:33,701 What the hell you need work boots for anyway ? 471 00:22:33,827 --> 00:22:35,130 You ain't got no job. 472 00:22:35,267 --> 00:22:36,392 Joy, stop it ! 473 00:22:37,487 --> 00:22:38,563 Stop it ! I can't breathe ! 474 00:22:38,695 --> 00:22:40,643 Help ! Help ! 475 00:22:42,405 --> 00:22:43,143 Wow ! 476 00:22:43,517 --> 00:22:45,473 Oh, i-it seems worse than it was. 477 00:22:45,606 --> 00:22:47,402 See, I was eating powdered doughnuts, 478 00:22:47,536 --> 00:22:49,322 and some sugar went down the wrong pipe. 479 00:22:49,545 --> 00:22:51,881 I could see the jurors were starting to waiver again, 480 00:22:52,015 --> 00:22:53,573 even the guy with the mustache. 481 00:22:53,737 --> 00:22:55,212 And we usually stick together. 482 00:22:55,586 --> 00:22:57,450 911. What's your emergency ? 483 00:22:57,577 --> 00:23:00,103 Hey, Carmen, it's Earl. She got into the paint again. 484 00:23:00,237 --> 00:23:01,433 There's a blue ring around her mouth, and 485 00:23:01,557 --> 00:23:03,240 - she's coming after me with a hammer... - We were working on a home 486 00:23:03,375 --> 00:23:04,483 improvement project. 487 00:23:04,797 --> 00:23:07,451 She just stabbed me in the neck with a ballpoint pen ! 488 00:23:07,938 --> 00:23:10,472 Does anyone there know if I'm supposed to leave it in or take it out ? 489 00:23:10,606 --> 00:23:11,601 For the first time, 490 00:23:11,735 --> 00:23:15,222 I started to think Joy was really gonna spend the rest of her life in jail. 491 00:23:15,527 --> 00:23:17,043 And I wasn't the only one. 492 00:23:17,175 --> 00:23:19,321 I'm scared ! I'm so scared ! 493 00:23:19,717 --> 00:23:20,860 Please send someone soon ! 494 00:23:20,998 --> 00:23:22,021 Everybody was thinking it. 495 00:23:23,148 --> 00:23:24,610 And I felt terrible, because 496 00:23:24,738 --> 00:23:26,370 it was my words that were gonna put her there. 497 00:23:26,508 --> 00:23:27,992 No, honey, this isn't the police. Huh... 498 00:23:28,126 --> 00:23:29,862 I'm just ordering a pizza. 499 00:23:29,987 --> 00:23:32,192 Yeah, yeah. I'll have a pepperoni... 500 00:23:32,317 --> 00:23:34,732 No, not the face ! Help ! You got to stop it ! 501 00:23:34,867 --> 00:23:37,290 And, as each jury person made up their mind, 502 00:23:37,667 --> 00:23:40,951 all I could think about was a nice family being torn apart. 503 00:23:43,147 --> 00:23:44,182 For God's sake, hurry ! 504 00:23:44,306 --> 00:23:45,782 There's only two closets in this trailer. 505 00:23:45,918 --> 00:23:46,980 She's gonna find me ! 506 00:23:50,145 --> 00:23:52,260 She pinned me down and put salt in my eyes ! 507 00:23:52,437 --> 00:23:55,460 I don't know if she's here ! I can't see ! 508 00:23:56,197 --> 00:23:58,812 Joy, put down the lighter fluid. 509 00:23:58,948 --> 00:23:59,750 No ! 510 00:24:02,066 --> 00:24:03,881 She meant a lot to her family, 511 00:24:04,127 --> 00:24:05,721 and, well, she meant a lot to me. 512 00:24:06,468 --> 00:24:07,551 Hey, Carmen. Earl again. 513 00:24:07,687 --> 00:24:09,202 You might want to bring the dogs this time. 514 00:24:09,328 --> 00:24:11,361 She just hit a Girl Scout with a rock ! 515 00:24:11,948 --> 00:24:12,802 Please hurry. 516 00:24:12,927 --> 00:24:15,012 I'm hiding behind the trailer, but she's gonna see where the phone cord... 517 00:24:15,148 --> 00:24:15,971 Oh, my God ! 518 00:24:16,238 --> 00:24:17,083 Here she comes ! 519 00:24:17,218 --> 00:24:18,870 I think she's gonna throw a puppy at me ! 520 00:24:19,998 --> 00:24:23,342 Bring the fire trucks, too ! She just torched the kitchen. 521 00:24:24,047 --> 00:24:27,331 This woman should be locked up ! Locked up for life ! 522 00:24:27,486 --> 00:24:28,471 I did it. 523 00:24:29,487 --> 00:24:30,111 What ? 524 00:24:30,278 --> 00:24:31,241 Earl ! 525 00:24:31,378 --> 00:24:33,061 My prints are on the truck, 526 00:24:33,247 --> 00:24:35,431 and look closer at those crime scene photos. 527 00:24:35,558 --> 00:24:37,280 There's two sets of tire tracks. 528 00:24:38,225 --> 00:24:40,312 One of them will match my El Camino. 529 00:24:41,388 --> 00:24:42,432 Joy's innocent. 530 00:24:42,567 --> 00:24:43,902 I stole the truck. 531 00:24:49,517 --> 00:24:50,290 Earl. 532 00:24:55,345 --> 00:24:56,502 What are you doing ? 533 00:24:56,757 --> 00:24:58,941 Well, I don't have three strikes, and... 534 00:24:59,666 --> 00:25:01,501 I also don't have a family. 535 00:25:02,177 --> 00:25:03,030 They need you. 536 00:25:04,257 --> 00:25:05,360 Thank you. 537 00:25:25,147 --> 00:25:26,140 It made sense. 538 00:25:26,276 --> 00:25:29,650 When I considered all the crimes I did and never got caught for, 539 00:25:29,785 --> 00:25:32,170 maybe this was Karma's way of wanting me to pay. 540 00:25:32,895 --> 00:25:34,472 What you did for Joy... 541 00:25:36,118 --> 00:25:38,111 it showed great character. 542 00:25:38,707 --> 00:25:40,861 I was going to miss that sexy accent. 543 00:25:41,118 --> 00:25:43,872 The sad part was the thing that made her like me again 544 00:25:44,017 --> 00:25:45,723 was the very thing that would keep us apart. 545 00:25:46,488 --> 00:25:48,651 Well, since I have no major priors, 546 00:25:49,027 --> 00:25:50,960 maybe I'll be back in time for Christmas. 547 00:25:51,797 --> 00:25:54,983 Mr. Hickey, it showed guts to step up 548 00:25:55,116 --> 00:25:58,892 and not let an innocent woman go to jail. 549 00:25:59,535 --> 00:26:02,230 But waiting this long to do it 550 00:26:02,405 --> 00:26:05,032 shows that you're a piece of trash. 551 00:26:06,457 --> 00:26:10,533 I sentence you to two years in the state penitentiary. 552 00:26:12,665 --> 00:26:13,871 Two years ? 553 00:26:14,715 --> 00:26:16,111 Son of a bitch ! 554 00:26:19,615 --> 00:26:22,643 I had taken the fall so Joy wouldn't have to give anything up. 555 00:26:22,997 --> 00:26:25,211 But now I was the one giving something up. 556 00:26:26,695 --> 00:26:28,620 Not just my pretty deaf girlfriend. 557 00:26:28,756 --> 00:26:30,391 I was giving up everything. 558 00:26:31,487 --> 00:26:33,343 I was giving up my apartment... 559 00:26:47,685 --> 00:26:49,443 I was giving up my job... 560 00:26:51,967 --> 00:26:52,941 Hickey ? 561 00:26:53,898 --> 00:26:55,621 Has anybody seen Hickey ? 562 00:26:58,476 --> 00:26:59,470 Damn it. 563 00:27:00,388 --> 00:27:02,643 Once a docker, always a docker. 564 00:27:06,436 --> 00:27:08,831 And after two years of crossing things off, 565 00:27:08,985 --> 00:27:10,821 I even had to give up the list. 566 00:27:17,648 --> 00:27:19,591 Don't forget to thank Old Daddy. 567 00:27:22,185 --> 00:27:23,282 Ain't that the truth. 568 00:27:31,075 --> 00:27:32,720 I had finally become an adult, 569 00:27:32,857 --> 00:27:34,693 only to have everything taken away. 570 00:27:44,605 --> 00:27:45,592 I had nothing. 571 00:27:46,786 --> 00:27:47,950 I was all alone. 572 00:27:53,206 --> 00:27:54,471 Hey, good buddy. 573 00:27:56,036 --> 00:27:56,920 Ralph ? 574 00:27:58,035 --> 00:27:59,872 Thank God you're here ! 575 00:28:00,085 --> 00:28:03,102 Listen, at lunch, I spit in some skinhead's eye. 576 00:28:03,237 --> 00:28:05,883 Wasn't my best decision. Turns out he's got a pipe gun. 577 00:28:06,008 --> 00:28:07,890 He's gonna come at us later in the yard. 578 00:28:08,245 --> 00:28:09,971 So here's a sock full of batteries. 579 00:28:10,097 --> 00:28:11,333 All right, good buddy ? 580 00:28:11,458 --> 00:28:13,182 It's good to see you, man. 581 00:28:27,005 --> 00:28:30,002 Transcript : Raceman 582 00:28:30,128 --> 00:28:33,120 Synced by Dingo 583 00:28:33,255 --> 00:28:36,250 www.forom.com http://experts.heberg-forum.net/