Usualy, when you see a long line at the Crab Shack,
it's heading in to the bathroom due to food poisoning.
But today there was a line 'cause
someone from the Camden Savings and Loan
was giving away T-shirts if you qualified for a credit card.
This is great,
because his little left thumb is over my left lactating spot,
and I carry my purse on my right side, so I'm good to go.
Earl, is that the real Packaway, the Savings Squirrel ?
'Cause he hasn't sung that song--
You'd be nuts not to keep your nuts At Camden Savings and Loan.
Member F.D.I.C.
This is gonna be one of those times when you think I'm talking down to you,
but the squirrel on TV is a cartoon.
You can be a real jerk sometimes.
Next.
I was excited to finally own a credit card I hadn't stolen.
And Randy was excited to get a T-shirt with a smiling squirrel on it.
So, Mr. Hickey, permanent residence ?
Palm Tree Motel, Room 231.
For one night we stayed in Room 211, which was bigger, but
it was over a drug dealer's room and
sometimes bullets would come up through the floor and
- freak us out, so we moved. - Okay, none.
Occupation ?
Uh, I have a list of bad things I've done to people and
I go around and find them and make up for what I did.
It's based on karma.
You can put none.
Highest level of education ?
High school graduate, some college, college graduate ?
Is there a box for some high school ?
Or street smarts ?
You got any questions on there like, "What's the last movie you saw ?"
'cause I can answer that.
Jack Frost. It was on TV.
Not great.
I'm sorry, sir, we're not allowed to give people who are homeless,
unemployed and uneducated a credit card.
They're real sticklers.
- So, no T-shirt ? - Oh, no.
But I do have this paper mask of Packaway
that we give to children.
You can have one of these.
So, as far as the bank was concerned,
I was a child.
And what kind of man would want to be treated like a child ?
Can I get a squirrel mask ?
Actually, two, 'cause I know I'll wear the first one out.
So there I was, with no job, no education, no permanent home.
I realized that my life hadn't changed since high school,
and I wasn't the only one.
Hey, Earl, can you pass the nuts ?
Sorry, Randy, that's funny, but I'm not in a laughing mood right now.
Don't beat yourself up too much
about the bank lady making you feel like a child and whatnot.
At least you're doing the list.
That's a very adult endeavor.
Please, that list is ridiculous he numbers everything on it,
but he never follows the order.
Plus, he didn't know how to spell "catapult" so he just drew one on it.
Only reason anybody takes that thing seriously
is 'cause it's on yellow lawyer paper.
If you screwed yourself out of being an adult,
why don't you just put yourself on the list ?
Sometimes I feel like your conscience.
Like that little cricket, Jiminy Hiccup.
I like it when you're on the list.
That way we get to skip the long, boring part,
where you have to find the person
and explain about karma. I hate that part.
All right, here we go.
I'm putting this down right now.
Number 273.
"Kept myself from being an adult."
And you know something I've seen grownups do ?
Underneath an important item, they write other items with letters in front.
273-A, finish high school.
273-B, get a real job.
273-C, move out of the motel.
Subsets.
You're growing up right before our very eyes.
I knew it was too late to get a real high school diploma, so
I decided to get the next best thing, a G.E.D.
I started with math, since I knew I could count on my fingers.
Randy took it to the next level.
"In Armando's class, there are six women for every two men."
Nice.
"If there are 12 women, how many men are there ?"
I couldn't quite figure out how many men there were, but
I did figure out there'd be 24 boobs.
That didn't really help me, but it probably helped Armando.
Either way, I skipped math.
"Past participle."
Okay, okay.
A part is...
like a part of something...
and an iciple...
could be like municipal,
which I think stands for swimming pool.
So, part of a swimming pool in the past.
Then I decided to skip English.
How many continents are there ?
A, B, I, O, U.
Damn, five isn't a choice.
I couldn't even fill in one stupid answer bubble.
Randy, however, did not have the same problem.
It's a sailboat.
That dot's me and these dots are all hot babes.
I decided that if I was going to pass those G.E.D. tests,
I needed to actually learn some stuff.
So I went back to my old high school to tell my teachers
this drop out was ready to drop back in.
What do you mean you won't teach me ? You're teachers.
You're too late, Hickey.
The shot clock's expired on that one.
You should have paid attention the first time.
Back in the '80s, when we gave a crap.
You guys used to beg me to pay attention
so you could teach me something.
What the hell happened to you ?
You want to know what happened ?
Two decades of dealing with rotten little fuzznuts like you.
I couldn't argue.
Me and Randy were rotten little fuzznuts.
And after we left school,
there was a long line of bad kids waiting to take our place.
And after a while,
enough fuzznuts will break a teacher's spirit.
Mr. Romack's was broken on Teacher Appreciation Day when
they super-glued a mug to his hand.
They got Mrs. Harding on her smoke break.
They even got the sweet Mrs. McCullum,
who lived for teaching kids the joy of cooking.
Awesome !
Oh, my god !
Eventually, the kids' pranks got completely out of hand.
Have a nice Christmas break, buddy.
I used to love coffee, now it just taunts me.
I used to teach them how to prepare a whole Thanksgiving meal every Fall.
Now, I just let them watch Barefoot Contessa
while I play Texas Hold 'Em on my cell phone.
We've become babysitters.
Everyday, it's just a run-out-the-clock situation.
Well, schools always have a group of low-life scums.
Why not just give 'em in-school suspension ?
Hell, I spent half my freshman year there.
First place I ever got to see a baby get born.
We tried in-school suspension.
We can't get substitutes to cover the class anymore.
Maybe you should try giving them a nicer name than substitutes.
Like, guest teacher or astronaut.
No-- teachernaut.
Wait, that makes it sound like they're not teachers.
Astroteachers.
Yep, guys, I understand you're burnt out,
but I need you.
If you don't help me pass my G.E.D. tests,
I won't be able to start becoming an adult.
Please, I'll do anything.
Anything ?
I'm your teacher.
My name is Earl.
Bad attitudes and perfect aim.
This was going to be a challenge.
During my first day as a teacher
I got hit with five spitballs and a homemade Chinese star.
So I prepared for day two.
Does this sound inspirational ?
"Hazy dreams produce hazy results."
Some guy named Ibbit said that.
I don't get it.
Me neither. That's why I thought it was smart.
Why do you have to inspire them anyway ?
I thought you were just supposed to baby-sit.
No. I want to turn these kids around, Randy.
I owe it to their teachers after everything I did to them.
Plus, I don't want these kids to end up like me,
35-years-old and still not an adult.
Earl, relax.
The teacher always gets through to the troubled kids.
I've seen this movie, like, 12 times and it always ends up fine.
Although, sometimes, you do get shot in a drive-by
or catch breast cancer.
Listen, kids
dudes
I don't want you to think of me as just a teacher.
I want you to think of me as a friend.
'Cause I been where you are, and I know where you're going.
I was you once,
and now I live in a motel room where I share a bed with my brother.
Gay !
Yeah, listen, it's not gay, he's my brother.
Gay.
Look, that word is not cool.
I happen to have a homosexual friend named Kenny...
Super gay.
I realized straight talking might not work with these kids.
It was going to take something more.
All right, that's it. We're going on a field trip.
Everybody out to the parking lot.
Hop in the back of the El Camino.
Today I'm gonna show you all your future.
Just don't tell me what day I die on. I don't want to know.
Is it a Thursday ?
I decided to show them what my life became after making
the same decisions they were making.
Well, this is where I live.
You guys continue to screw off,
and let high school pass you by without learning anything,
this is where you're going to live.
Sweet.
That hot maid clean for you everyday ?
It's not sweet. It's pathetic.
I can't even qualify for an apartment.
Catalina, tell these guys why they don't want to be like me.
Well, one night a speed freak broke into his room,
slammed Earl's head against the bathtub until he passed out,
then went to the bathroom and left without flushing.
See ?
Now that would've never happened if I had a high school diploma.
Let's go.
Then I showed them their future ex-wife.
What the hell is this ?
You better hope that "To Catch a Predator" guy
doesn't come in here and see you with all these kids.
Nice.
Joy, why don't you tell these guys why they don't want to be like me.
Well, he's not very smart.
I mean, the first time he saw YMCA, he thought it was pronounced "Yumca."
Plus, I once saw him dive into an empty pool.
That was actually a funny day.
He hit his head so hard, he took a dump in a cat box.
Yeah, that's a true story.
Plus, the cat caught me in her box and tried to scratch me a new one.
Now, that wouldn't have happened if I'd stayed in school.
Earl's right.
With a good education, you can do whatever you want.
Did you gradate high school ?
With honors.
Then why are you working in a dump like this ?
Life can get complicated, man.
You don't know what I've been through.
I've seen the darkest parts of a man's soul.
Things that make a horror movie look like The Hughleys.
Darnell, Darnell, look.
It's the Crab Shack, and there's your wife.
She's hot.
Tonight you're going to go home and play Atari.
Everything's fine.
Oh, I thought of something else.
One time at the zoo, I saw a monkey beat Earl at rock, paper, scissors.
After showing the kids
how much better off I'd be if I had have stayed in school,
I felt like I had gotten through to them.
So, what did we learn today ?
That you're a loser.
Yep, that's exactly right.
You don't want to end up like me.
Oh, there's no way we're going to end up like
some old dude with a porno mustache.
Yeah.
Not the way I play Guitar Hero.
I five-starred "Free Bird" on the first try.
I'm going to be a rock star,
as soon as my parents buy me a guitar.
You guys can't count on crazy dreams like being a rock star,
or playing pro basketball.
It's not going to happen.
I mean, when I was your age, I thought I was going to be a stuntman.
But the closest I ever came was being on a surveillance tape
when I fell through the roof of a liquor store.
Well, that's because you were born a loser, Hickey,
and we were born awesome.
Um, Mr. Hickey, can I talk to you ?
Sure, Summer.
It's a little embarrassing, but...
I don't want to be a loser.
I don't want to lose at rock, paper, scissors to a monkey.
Look, he threw rock six times in a row,
and just when I caught on to the pattern, scissors...
But go on.
So maybe I didn't get through to my whole class,
but one of my students was finally opening up to me.
And I was really excited to help her.
So I sat her down and
gave her every piece of advice I could think of.
And Summer, always remember,
just because you have a stripper name
doesn't mean you have to grow up to be a stripper.
Thank you, Mr. Hickey.
You just changed my life.
That's what teachers do.
Summer. Let's go, you stalled him long enough.
Stalled me ?
Stalled me for what ?
What the hell ?
I don't remember you parking the car like that.
How'd I even get out ?
I'm going to kill 'em.
I swear to God, I am really going to kill 'em.
Now you're sounding like a real teacher.
In two weeks, you'll have gained 20 pounds
- and stopped shaving anything. - They're total bastards.
Those kids didn't listen to a single thing I said,
when all I was trying to do was help them.
And how do they thank me ? They flip my car on its side.
Don't be a hero, Hickey.
Just take a knee.
I can't believe you guys.
When are you going to stand up and fight ?
You're in charge.
This is your school.
I'm serious.
We need to treat them exactly like they treat us.
Look, what do you want from us ? We're not allowed to hurt the kids.
At least not physically.
I don't have the energy to hurt them emotionally.
I'm not talking about hurting them.
I'm just talking about giving them a little anonymous taste
of their own medicine, or their own saliva,
in the case of what they did to your soup, Mrs. McCullum.
They spit in my soup ?
When ?
Well, Mrs. Harding says they do it every day.
I didn't tell you 'cause I know you like your soup,
and I didn't want to make you upset.
They gave me mono.
It's time to fight back.
For the exploding cigarettes, for the duct tape,
for the super glue and
for what Mrs. Harding told me they rubbed on your coffee mug.
They put their privates in it.
Again, I didn't want to upset you.
Come on, guys, what do you say ?
Huh ? Are we gonna sit around and take it ?
Or are we going to fight back ?
Let's get those bastards.
Mr. Romack went the eye-for-an-eye, glue-for-glue route.
For Mrs. McCullum, revenge was sweet.
And a little messy.
For Mrs. Harding, all revenge took was assigned seats and an Allen wrench.
And we saved the worst kid for last.
Nick Daley.
We decided to hit him where it would hurt the most,
his 1968 cobalt blue Camaro.
And Mr. Baldwin was excited to do the dirty work.
Oh, man, it is going to be crazy.
When he starts up the car, the CD player is going to play
I have a tiny penis, I have a tiny penis, over and over again on a loop.
And then when he tries to turn it off,
I rigged the interior with airbags, boom !
They're all going to explode, then the doors are going to lock--
anyone who touches the handle to try and get out...
...gonna get shocked.
Oh, man.
Oh, I wish my old shop teacher was still alive to see this.
This is for you, Mr. Veeley.
All right, nice work.
Now, when we go back in, act casual.
Casual ! Casual !
Have a nice lunch break.
Buckle up for safety.
Enjoy your ride, kids.
What ?
It was the kind of excitement a teacher should have,
even if it wasn't coming out in the most teacherly way.
Earl, I think I speak for all of us when I say this may very well be
the greatest moment of my teaching career.
What if he wets his pants ?
Shh, Claire, you'll jinx it.
It's okay,
you can get him with the next bomb. You just have to delay it a little.
They're going to call this terrorism.
We're going to Guantanamo.
Game, set, match.
Yeah, bitches !
That's for sticking your pouch in my coffee mug.
- Shut up. - Just everybody calm down.
What the hell did you do the car ?
I don't know what happened. Some wires must have gotten crossed.
Must have ? Must have ? His car exploded, Baldwin.
Shut up, Harding.
- You shut up. - You want a piece of me ?
- Let's go ! - Stop freaking out.
Look, I've accidentally exploded tons of stuff in my life
and nothing's been traced back to me.
Now the important thing is,
we go about our normal business and act casual.
Got it ?
See, this is what I'm talking about.
Mrs. McCullum,
rocking with your hands buried in your crotch is not acting casual.
But I'm nervous.
It's rare that you hear someone say a teacher has nerves of steel,
and there's a reason for that.
But there was nothing I could do.
I had to send them back to class.
P-P-Please open your American Literature Anthol-ol-ogy to page...
But then something weird happened.
Apparently, an accidental attempted murder is
just what it takes to get a teenager's attention.
I have a tiny penis...
Those teachers are crazy.
I have a tiny penis...
They're trying to kill us.
Okay, we pushed them too far.
I peed my pants.
Yeah, you peed in my pants, too, man.
I have a tiny penis...
Our little revenge plan had scared them straight
in a way we never expected.
And once Mrs. Harding realized the apple wasn't going to explode,
she calmed down and was able to get back to teaching
for the first time in years.
The teachers were so grateful to have control over their classrooms again,
that they went back to teaching everyone, including me and Randy.
And me and Randy liked learning so much,
we took classes that wouldn't even be on the G.E.D. test.
My zucchini bread turned out perfect.
For the first time in my life,
I turned in a test and felt good about my future.
I didn't make a picture this time because I knew too many of the answers.
But I did draw something on my scratch paper.
It's an elf named Finster.
I may not have gotten to walk across the stage wearing a dress,
but I felt like I accomplished something big in my life.
I even got to apply my newly learned math skills.
Looks like I'm a third of the way to becoming an adult.
Or two sixths.
Or three ninths.
Or D) all of the above.
And I was doubly proud that day, 'cause
Randy did a lot of learning, too.
I got a lot of carving to do.
Transcript : Raceman
Synchro : Dingo
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