1 00:00:01,390 --> 00:00:03,714 Usualy, when you see a long line at the Crab Shack, 2 00:00:03,840 --> 00:00:06,475 it's heading in to the bathroom due to food poisoning. 3 00:00:06,873 --> 00:00:08,401 But today there was a line 'cause 4 00:00:08,525 --> 00:00:10,081 someone from the Camden Savings and Loan 5 00:00:10,207 --> 00:00:12,763 was giving away T-shirts if you qualified for a credit card. 6 00:00:12,889 --> 00:00:13,900 This is great, 7 00:00:14,025 --> 00:00:16,463 because his little left thumb is over my left lactating spot, 8 00:00:16,589 --> 00:00:19,590 and I carry my purse on my right side, so I'm good to go. 9 00:00:19,922 --> 00:00:23,036 Earl, is that the real Packaway, the Savings Squirrel ? 10 00:00:23,165 --> 00:00:24,430 'Cause he hasn't sung that song-- 11 00:00:24,562 --> 00:00:29,906 You'd be nuts not to keep your nuts At Camden Savings and Loan. 12 00:00:30,031 --> 00:00:31,093 Member F.D.I.C. 13 00:00:31,210 --> 00:00:34,066 This is gonna be one of those times when you think I'm talking down to you, 14 00:00:34,189 --> 00:00:36,243 but the squirrel on TV is a cartoon. 15 00:00:36,777 --> 00:00:38,680 You can be a real jerk sometimes. 16 00:00:38,808 --> 00:00:39,612 Next. 17 00:00:40,165 --> 00:00:43,183 I was excited to finally own a credit card I hadn't stolen. 18 00:00:43,306 --> 00:00:46,662 And Randy was excited to get a T-shirt with a smiling squirrel on it. 19 00:00:46,785 --> 00:00:49,891 So, Mr. Hickey, permanent residence ? 20 00:00:50,026 --> 00:00:52,432 Palm Tree Motel, Room 231. 21 00:00:52,567 --> 00:00:55,342 For one night we stayed in Room 211, which was bigger, but 22 00:00:55,477 --> 00:00:57,232 it was over a drug dealer's room and 23 00:00:57,357 --> 00:00:59,670 sometimes bullets would come up through the floor and 24 00:00:59,798 --> 00:01:02,722 - freak us out, so we moved. - Okay, none. 25 00:01:03,095 --> 00:01:03,990 Occupation ? 26 00:01:04,128 --> 00:01:06,952 Uh, I have a list of bad things I've done to people and 27 00:01:07,086 --> 00:01:09,730 I go around and find them and make up for what I did. 28 00:01:09,866 --> 00:01:11,230 It's based on karma. 29 00:01:13,537 --> 00:01:14,730 You can put none. 30 00:01:14,866 --> 00:01:16,513 Highest level of education ? 31 00:01:16,635 --> 00:01:19,483 High school graduate, some college, college graduate ? 32 00:01:19,618 --> 00:01:21,802 Is there a box for some high school ? 33 00:01:21,927 --> 00:01:23,070 Or street smarts ? 34 00:01:23,495 --> 00:01:26,221 You got any questions on there like, "What's the last movie you saw ?" 35 00:01:26,358 --> 00:01:27,412 'cause I can answer that. 36 00:01:27,536 --> 00:01:29,732 Jack Frost. It was on TV. 37 00:01:30,568 --> 00:01:31,251 Not great. 38 00:01:31,375 --> 00:01:34,561 I'm sorry, sir, we're not allowed to give people who are homeless, 39 00:01:34,697 --> 00:01:37,530 unemployed and uneducated a credit card. 40 00:01:37,658 --> 00:01:38,930 They're real sticklers. 41 00:01:39,638 --> 00:01:41,920 - So, no T-shirt ? - Oh, no. 42 00:01:42,227 --> 00:01:44,270 But I do have this paper mask of Packaway 43 00:01:44,395 --> 00:01:45,571 that we give to children. 44 00:01:45,697 --> 00:01:47,172 You can have one of these. 45 00:01:48,385 --> 00:01:50,573 So, as far as the bank was concerned, 46 00:01:50,696 --> 00:01:51,750 I was a child. 47 00:01:51,885 --> 00:01:54,461 And what kind of man would want to be treated like a child ? 48 00:01:54,595 --> 00:01:55,811 Can I get a squirrel mask ? 49 00:01:55,937 --> 00:01:58,841 Actually, two, 'cause I know I'll wear the first one out. 50 00:02:07,708 --> 00:02:13,302 So there I was, with no job, no education, no permanent home. 51 00:02:13,428 --> 00:02:16,613 I realized that my life hadn't changed since high school, 52 00:02:16,737 --> 00:02:18,491 and I wasn't the only one. 53 00:02:18,776 --> 00:02:20,871 Hey, Earl, can you pass the nuts ? 54 00:02:21,186 --> 00:02:24,410 Sorry, Randy, that's funny, but I'm not in a laughing mood right now. 55 00:02:24,546 --> 00:02:25,841 Don't beat yourself up too much 56 00:02:25,976 --> 00:02:28,270 about the bank lady making you feel like a child and whatnot. 57 00:02:28,397 --> 00:02:29,663 At least you're doing the list. 58 00:02:29,786 --> 00:02:31,212 That's a very adult endeavor. 59 00:02:31,345 --> 00:02:33,491 Please, that list is ridiculous he numbers everything on it, 60 00:02:33,617 --> 00:02:35,072 but he never follows the order. 61 00:02:35,208 --> 00:02:37,901 Plus, he didn't know how to spell "catapult" so he just drew one on it. 62 00:02:38,037 --> 00:02:39,753 Only reason anybody takes that thing seriously 63 00:02:39,887 --> 00:02:41,372 is 'cause it's on yellow lawyer paper. 64 00:02:41,495 --> 00:02:43,083 If you screwed yourself out of being an adult, 65 00:02:43,215 --> 00:02:45,213 why don't you just put yourself on the list ? 66 00:02:46,655 --> 00:02:48,470 Sometimes I feel like your conscience. 67 00:02:48,606 --> 00:02:50,433 Like that little cricket, Jiminy Hiccup. 68 00:02:50,566 --> 00:02:52,060 I like it when you're on the list. 69 00:02:52,197 --> 00:02:54,052 That way we get to skip the long, boring part, 70 00:02:54,188 --> 00:02:55,472 where you have to find the person 71 00:02:55,598 --> 00:02:58,201 and explain about karma. I hate that part. 72 00:02:58,327 --> 00:03:00,122 All right, here we go. 73 00:03:00,655 --> 00:03:02,263 I'm putting this down right now. 74 00:03:02,396 --> 00:03:05,831 Number 273. 75 00:03:05,998 --> 00:03:10,421 "Kept myself from being an adult." 76 00:03:10,555 --> 00:03:12,763 And you know something I've seen grownups do ? 77 00:03:12,898 --> 00:03:16,352 Underneath an important item, they write other items with letters in front. 78 00:03:16,478 --> 00:03:19,742 273-A, finish high school. 79 00:03:19,907 --> 00:03:23,352 273-B, get a real job. 80 00:03:23,667 --> 00:03:27,460 273-C, move out of the motel. 81 00:03:27,587 --> 00:03:28,823 Subsets. 82 00:03:28,955 --> 00:03:31,711 You're growing up right before our very eyes. 83 00:03:34,538 --> 00:03:37,223 I knew it was too late to get a real high school diploma, so 84 00:03:37,358 --> 00:03:40,610 I decided to get the next best thing, a G.E.D. 85 00:03:44,378 --> 00:03:47,372 I started with math, since I knew I could count on my fingers. 86 00:03:47,506 --> 00:03:49,302 Randy took it to the next level. 87 00:03:49,457 --> 00:03:53,403 "In Armando's class, there are six women for every two men." 88 00:03:53,537 --> 00:03:54,551 Nice. 89 00:03:56,078 --> 00:03:59,080 "If there are 12 women, how many men are there ?" 90 00:03:59,685 --> 00:04:02,111 I couldn't quite figure out how many men there were, but 91 00:04:02,247 --> 00:04:04,633 I did figure out there'd be 24 boobs. 92 00:04:05,015 --> 00:04:08,203 That didn't really help me, but it probably helped Armando. 93 00:04:08,866 --> 00:04:10,883 Either way, I skipped math. 94 00:04:15,278 --> 00:04:17,253 "Past participle." 95 00:04:18,878 --> 00:04:20,413 Okay, okay. 96 00:04:20,546 --> 00:04:21,553 A part is... 97 00:04:22,538 --> 00:04:24,001 like a part of something... 98 00:04:24,528 --> 00:04:25,802 and an iciple... 99 00:04:26,838 --> 00:04:28,750 could be like municipal, 100 00:04:29,235 --> 00:04:31,253 which I think stands for swimming pool. 101 00:04:32,018 --> 00:04:35,211 So, part of a swimming pool in the past. 102 00:04:37,598 --> 00:04:39,401 Then I decided to skip English. 103 00:04:40,915 --> 00:04:43,511 How many continents are there ? 104 00:04:45,267 --> 00:04:48,663 A, B, I, O, U. 105 00:04:50,207 --> 00:04:52,201 Damn, five isn't a choice. 106 00:04:53,288 --> 00:04:56,013 I couldn't even fill in one stupid answer bubble. 107 00:04:56,146 --> 00:04:58,600 Randy, however, did not have the same problem. 108 00:05:02,366 --> 00:05:03,662 It's a sailboat. 109 00:05:04,175 --> 00:05:06,992 That dot's me and these dots are all hot babes. 110 00:05:09,148 --> 00:05:11,973 I decided that if I was going to pass those G.E.D. tests, 111 00:05:12,095 --> 00:05:14,121 I needed to actually learn some stuff. 112 00:05:14,245 --> 00:05:16,600 So I went back to my old high school to tell my teachers 113 00:05:16,736 --> 00:05:18,991 this drop out was ready to drop back in. 114 00:05:19,128 --> 00:05:21,451 What do you mean you won't teach me ? You're teachers. 115 00:05:21,575 --> 00:05:23,043 You're too late, Hickey. 116 00:05:23,178 --> 00:05:25,233 The shot clock's expired on that one. 117 00:05:25,368 --> 00:05:27,063 You should have paid attention the first time. 118 00:05:27,197 --> 00:05:29,490 Back in the '80s, when we gave a crap. 119 00:05:31,846 --> 00:05:33,601 You guys used to beg me to pay attention 120 00:05:33,726 --> 00:05:35,120 so you could teach me something. 121 00:05:35,248 --> 00:05:36,450 What the hell happened to you ? 122 00:05:37,348 --> 00:05:38,820 You want to know what happened ? 123 00:05:38,956 --> 00:05:42,443 Two decades of dealing with rotten little fuzznuts like you. 124 00:05:42,895 --> 00:05:43,880 I couldn't argue. 125 00:05:44,018 --> 00:05:46,352 Me and Randy were rotten little fuzznuts. 126 00:05:46,486 --> 00:05:47,951 And after we left school, 127 00:05:48,076 --> 00:05:51,000 there was a long line of bad kids waiting to take our place. 128 00:05:58,437 --> 00:05:59,500 And after a while, 129 00:05:59,706 --> 00:06:02,182 enough fuzznuts will break a teacher's spirit. 130 00:06:02,498 --> 00:06:05,713 Mr. Romack's was broken on Teacher Appreciation Day when 131 00:06:05,836 --> 00:06:07,873 they super-glued a mug to his hand. 132 00:06:15,997 --> 00:06:18,452 They got Mrs. Harding on her smoke break. 133 00:06:29,205 --> 00:06:31,233 They even got the sweet Mrs. McCullum, 134 00:06:31,355 --> 00:06:33,840 who lived for teaching kids the joy of cooking. 135 00:06:37,738 --> 00:06:38,820 Awesome ! 136 00:06:38,955 --> 00:06:40,791 Oh, my god ! 137 00:06:42,946 --> 00:06:45,970 Eventually, the kids' pranks got completely out of hand. 138 00:06:46,457 --> 00:06:48,321 Have a nice Christmas break, buddy. 139 00:06:53,965 --> 00:06:57,312 I used to love coffee, now it just taunts me. 140 00:06:57,445 --> 00:07:00,743 I used to teach them how to prepare a whole Thanksgiving meal every Fall. 141 00:07:00,876 --> 00:07:03,132 Now, I just let them watch Barefoot Contessa 142 00:07:03,256 --> 00:07:05,283 while I play Texas Hold 'Em on my cell phone. 143 00:07:05,405 --> 00:07:07,050 We've become babysitters. 144 00:07:07,182 --> 00:07:10,246 Everyday, it's just a run-out-the-clock situation. 145 00:07:10,361 --> 00:07:13,123 Well, schools always have a group of low-life scums. 146 00:07:13,250 --> 00:07:15,296 Why not just give 'em in-school suspension ? 147 00:07:15,419 --> 00:07:17,690 Hell, I spent half my freshman year there. 148 00:07:17,817 --> 00:07:19,733 First place I ever got to see a baby get born. 149 00:07:19,857 --> 00:07:21,652 We tried in-school suspension. 150 00:07:21,785 --> 00:07:23,941 We can't get substitutes to cover the class anymore. 151 00:07:24,065 --> 00:07:27,390 Maybe you should try giving them a nicer name than substitutes. 152 00:07:27,525 --> 00:07:31,070 Like, guest teacher or astronaut. 153 00:07:31,205 --> 00:07:33,041 No-- teachernaut. 154 00:07:33,715 --> 00:07:36,072 Wait, that makes it sound like they're not teachers. 155 00:07:36,197 --> 00:07:37,751 Astroteachers. 156 00:07:37,876 --> 00:07:40,600 Yep, guys, I understand you're burnt out, 157 00:07:40,725 --> 00:07:41,721 but I need you. 158 00:07:41,847 --> 00:07:44,730 If you don't help me pass my G.E.D. tests, 159 00:07:44,867 --> 00:07:47,000 I won't be able to start becoming an adult. 160 00:07:47,628 --> 00:07:49,473 Please, I'll do anything. 161 00:07:50,328 --> 00:07:51,392 Anything ? 162 00:07:53,595 --> 00:07:54,523 I'm your teacher. 163 00:07:54,645 --> 00:07:56,010 My name is Earl. 164 00:07:59,358 --> 00:08:01,403 Bad attitudes and perfect aim. 165 00:08:01,716 --> 00:08:03,410 This was going to be a challenge. 166 00:08:06,406 --> 00:08:07,592 During my first day as a teacher 167 00:08:07,728 --> 00:08:11,040 I got hit with five spitballs and a homemade Chinese star. 168 00:08:11,178 --> 00:08:12,681 So I prepared for day two. 169 00:08:12,818 --> 00:08:14,353 Does this sound inspirational ? 170 00:08:14,476 --> 00:08:17,303 "Hazy dreams produce hazy results." 171 00:08:17,426 --> 00:08:19,363 Some guy named Ibbit said that. 172 00:08:19,496 --> 00:08:20,312 I don't get it. 173 00:08:20,445 --> 00:08:22,513 Me neither. That's why I thought it was smart. 174 00:08:22,878 --> 00:08:24,362 Why do you have to inspire them anyway ? 175 00:08:24,496 --> 00:08:26,461 I thought you were just supposed to baby-sit. 176 00:08:26,776 --> 00:08:28,973 No. I want to turn these kids around, Randy. 177 00:08:29,108 --> 00:08:31,613 I owe it to their teachers after everything I did to them. 178 00:08:31,745 --> 00:08:34,013 Plus, I don't want these kids to end up like me, 179 00:08:34,136 --> 00:08:36,133 35-years-old and still not an adult. 180 00:08:36,267 --> 00:08:37,050 Earl, relax. 181 00:08:37,188 --> 00:08:39,640 The teacher always gets through to the troubled kids. 182 00:08:39,775 --> 00:08:42,920 I've seen this movie, like, 12 times and it always ends up fine. 183 00:08:43,056 --> 00:08:45,802 Although, sometimes, you do get shot in a drive-by 184 00:08:45,928 --> 00:08:47,350 or catch breast cancer. 185 00:08:52,457 --> 00:08:54,000 Listen, kids 186 00:08:54,345 --> 00:08:55,491 dudes 187 00:08:55,845 --> 00:08:58,351 I don't want you to think of me as just a teacher. 188 00:08:58,488 --> 00:09:00,730 I want you to think of me as a friend. 189 00:09:01,346 --> 00:09:04,550 'Cause I been where you are, and I know where you're going. 190 00:09:04,676 --> 00:09:05,871 I was you once, 191 00:09:05,998 --> 00:09:09,091 and now I live in a motel room where I share a bed with my brother. 192 00:09:09,228 --> 00:09:10,320 Gay ! 193 00:09:12,148 --> 00:09:14,230 Yeah, listen, it's not gay, he's my brother. 194 00:09:14,357 --> 00:09:15,300 Gay. 195 00:09:16,558 --> 00:09:17,760 Look, that word is not cool. 196 00:09:17,885 --> 00:09:20,062 I happen to have a homosexual friend named Kenny... 197 00:09:20,185 --> 00:09:22,170 Super gay. 198 00:09:22,828 --> 00:09:25,691 I realized straight talking might not work with these kids. 199 00:09:25,827 --> 00:09:27,670 It was going to take something more. 200 00:09:27,887 --> 00:09:30,211 All right, that's it. We're going on a field trip. 201 00:09:30,458 --> 00:09:32,351 Everybody out to the parking lot. 202 00:09:34,417 --> 00:09:36,370 Hop in the back of the El Camino. 203 00:09:36,507 --> 00:09:39,091 Today I'm gonna show you all your future. 204 00:09:39,847 --> 00:09:42,801 Just don't tell me what day I die on. I don't want to know. 205 00:09:44,195 --> 00:09:45,221 Is it a Thursday ? 206 00:09:45,355 --> 00:09:47,791 I decided to show them what my life became after making 207 00:09:47,925 --> 00:09:49,483 the same decisions they were making. 208 00:09:49,618 --> 00:09:51,290 Well, this is where I live. 209 00:09:51,567 --> 00:09:52,913 You guys continue to screw off, 210 00:09:53,047 --> 00:09:55,451 and let high school pass you by without learning anything, 211 00:09:55,578 --> 00:09:56,742 this is where you're going to live. 212 00:09:56,878 --> 00:09:58,383 Sweet. 213 00:09:59,245 --> 00:10:00,830 That hot maid clean for you everyday ? 214 00:10:00,955 --> 00:10:03,103 It's not sweet. It's pathetic. 215 00:10:03,225 --> 00:10:04,940 I can't even qualify for an apartment. 216 00:10:05,068 --> 00:10:08,102 Catalina, tell these guys why they don't want to be like me. 217 00:10:09,205 --> 00:10:11,203 Well, one night a speed freak broke into his room, 218 00:10:11,335 --> 00:10:13,501 slammed Earl's head against the bathtub until he passed out, 219 00:10:13,625 --> 00:10:16,392 then went to the bathroom and left without flushing. 220 00:10:18,627 --> 00:10:19,522 See ? 221 00:10:19,656 --> 00:10:22,391 Now that would've never happened if I had a high school diploma. 222 00:10:22,715 --> 00:10:23,542 Let's go. 223 00:10:27,076 --> 00:10:29,330 Then I showed them their future ex-wife. 224 00:10:30,618 --> 00:10:31,870 What the hell is this ? 225 00:10:31,998 --> 00:10:33,303 You better hope that "To Catch a Predator" guy 226 00:10:33,427 --> 00:10:35,263 doesn't come in here and see you with all these kids. 227 00:10:35,396 --> 00:10:36,201 Nice. 228 00:10:36,328 --> 00:10:39,243 Joy, why don't you tell these guys why they don't want to be like me. 229 00:10:40,296 --> 00:10:42,811 Well, he's not very smart. 230 00:10:42,947 --> 00:10:46,392 I mean, the first time he saw YMCA, he thought it was pronounced "Yumca." 231 00:10:46,645 --> 00:10:49,042 Plus, I once saw him dive into an empty pool. 232 00:10:49,178 --> 00:10:50,730 That was actually a funny day. 233 00:10:50,857 --> 00:10:54,310 He hit his head so hard, he took a dump in a cat box. 234 00:10:54,517 --> 00:10:55,810 Yeah, that's a true story. 235 00:10:55,948 --> 00:10:58,862 Plus, the cat caught me in her box and tried to scratch me a new one. 236 00:10:58,995 --> 00:11:01,053 Now, that wouldn't have happened if I'd stayed in school. 237 00:11:01,187 --> 00:11:02,122 Earl's right. 238 00:11:02,258 --> 00:11:04,443 With a good education, you can do whatever you want. 239 00:11:04,577 --> 00:11:05,880 Did you gradate high school ? 240 00:11:06,015 --> 00:11:06,723 With honors. 241 00:11:06,857 --> 00:11:09,083 Then why are you working in a dump like this ? 242 00:11:11,975 --> 00:11:14,563 Life can get complicated, man. 243 00:11:14,885 --> 00:11:16,580 You don't know what I've been through. 244 00:11:16,708 --> 00:11:18,600 I've seen the darkest parts of a man's soul. 245 00:11:18,737 --> 00:11:20,960 Things that make a horror movie look like The Hughleys. 246 00:11:21,097 --> 00:11:22,790 Darnell, Darnell, look. 247 00:11:22,928 --> 00:11:25,431 It's the Crab Shack, and there's your wife. 248 00:11:25,566 --> 00:11:26,343 She's hot. 249 00:11:26,466 --> 00:11:28,741 Tonight you're going to go home and play Atari. 250 00:11:29,177 --> 00:11:30,203 Everything's fine. 251 00:11:30,325 --> 00:11:31,583 Oh, I thought of something else. 252 00:11:31,705 --> 00:11:35,200 One time at the zoo, I saw a monkey beat Earl at rock, paper, scissors. 253 00:11:36,655 --> 00:11:37,703 After showing the kids 254 00:11:37,828 --> 00:11:40,283 how much better off I'd be if I had have stayed in school, 255 00:11:40,405 --> 00:11:42,403 I felt like I had gotten through to them. 256 00:11:43,436 --> 00:11:45,573 So, what did we learn today ? 257 00:11:45,868 --> 00:11:47,450 That you're a loser. 258 00:11:48,378 --> 00:11:50,513 Yep, that's exactly right. 259 00:11:51,166 --> 00:11:52,611 You don't want to end up like me. 260 00:11:52,735 --> 00:11:54,131 Oh, there's no way we're going to end up like 261 00:11:54,265 --> 00:11:56,331 some old dude with a porno mustache. 262 00:11:56,465 --> 00:11:57,250 Yeah. 263 00:11:57,695 --> 00:11:58,961 Not the way I play Guitar Hero. 264 00:11:59,088 --> 00:12:02,092 I five-starred "Free Bird" on the first try. 265 00:12:02,288 --> 00:12:03,601 I'm going to be a rock star, 266 00:12:03,725 --> 00:12:05,581 as soon as my parents buy me a guitar. 267 00:12:05,795 --> 00:12:09,043 You guys can't count on crazy dreams like being a rock star, 268 00:12:09,176 --> 00:12:10,621 or playing pro basketball. 269 00:12:10,748 --> 00:12:11,902 It's not going to happen. 270 00:12:12,036 --> 00:12:15,082 I mean, when I was your age, I thought I was going to be a stuntman. 271 00:12:15,208 --> 00:12:17,890 But the closest I ever came was being on a surveillance tape 272 00:12:18,025 --> 00:12:20,061 when I fell through the roof of a liquor store. 273 00:12:22,277 --> 00:12:25,610 Well, that's because you were born a loser, Hickey, 274 00:12:25,745 --> 00:12:28,070 and we were born awesome. 275 00:12:33,275 --> 00:12:35,501 Um, Mr. Hickey, can I talk to you ? 276 00:12:35,875 --> 00:12:36,803 Sure, Summer. 277 00:12:37,196 --> 00:12:38,900 It's a little embarrassing, but... 278 00:12:40,146 --> 00:12:41,633 I don't want to be a loser. 279 00:12:41,765 --> 00:12:45,040 I don't want to lose at rock, paper, scissors to a monkey. 280 00:12:45,175 --> 00:12:47,320 Look, he threw rock six times in a row, 281 00:12:47,457 --> 00:12:50,162 and just when I caught on to the pattern, scissors... 282 00:12:50,287 --> 00:12:51,351 But go on. 283 00:12:51,906 --> 00:12:54,321 So maybe I didn't get through to my whole class, 284 00:12:54,456 --> 00:12:57,053 but one of my students was finally opening up to me. 285 00:12:57,237 --> 00:12:59,280 And I was really excited to help her. 286 00:12:59,408 --> 00:13:00,571 So I sat her down and 287 00:13:00,695 --> 00:13:02,913 gave her every piece of advice I could think of. 288 00:13:16,257 --> 00:13:17,680 And Summer, always remember, 289 00:13:17,816 --> 00:13:19,502 just because you have a stripper name 290 00:13:19,628 --> 00:13:22,111 doesn't mean you have to grow up to be a stripper. 291 00:13:23,457 --> 00:13:24,542 Thank you, Mr. Hickey. 292 00:13:24,677 --> 00:13:26,812 You just changed my life. 293 00:13:27,296 --> 00:13:28,703 That's what teachers do. 294 00:13:30,086 --> 00:13:32,541 Summer. Let's go, you stalled him long enough. 295 00:13:35,615 --> 00:13:36,530 Stalled me ? 296 00:13:36,658 --> 00:13:37,972 Stalled me for what ? 297 00:13:41,365 --> 00:13:42,463 What the hell ? 298 00:13:42,598 --> 00:13:45,022 I don't remember you parking the car like that. 299 00:13:54,686 --> 00:13:56,241 How'd I even get out ? 300 00:13:57,618 --> 00:13:59,030 I'm going to kill 'em. 301 00:13:59,197 --> 00:14:00,880 I swear to God, I am really going to kill 'em. 302 00:14:01,006 --> 00:14:02,881 Now you're sounding like a real teacher. 303 00:14:03,008 --> 00:14:04,371 In two weeks, you'll have gained 20 pounds 304 00:14:04,497 --> 00:14:07,060 - and stopped shaving anything. - They're total bastards. 305 00:14:07,187 --> 00:14:09,840 Those kids didn't listen to a single thing I said, 306 00:14:09,977 --> 00:14:11,692 when all I was trying to do was help them. 307 00:14:11,817 --> 00:14:14,863 And how do they thank me ? They flip my car on its side. 308 00:14:17,068 --> 00:14:18,312 Don't be a hero, Hickey. 309 00:14:18,445 --> 00:14:19,601 Just take a knee. 310 00:14:19,736 --> 00:14:21,342 I can't believe you guys. 311 00:14:21,506 --> 00:14:23,463 When are you going to stand up and fight ? 312 00:14:23,595 --> 00:14:24,772 You're in charge. 313 00:14:24,905 --> 00:14:26,481 This is your school. 314 00:14:27,375 --> 00:14:28,902 I'm serious. 315 00:14:29,528 --> 00:14:32,341 We need to treat them exactly like they treat us. 316 00:14:32,465 --> 00:14:36,000 Look, what do you want from us ? We're not allowed to hurt the kids. 317 00:14:36,125 --> 00:14:37,703 At least not physically. 318 00:14:37,837 --> 00:14:39,503 I don't have the energy to hurt them emotionally. 319 00:14:39,628 --> 00:14:41,500 I'm not talking about hurting them. 320 00:14:41,965 --> 00:14:44,532 I'm just talking about giving them a little anonymous taste 321 00:14:44,668 --> 00:14:46,960 of their own medicine, or their own saliva, 322 00:14:47,096 --> 00:14:49,280 in the case of what they did to your soup, Mrs. McCullum. 323 00:14:49,417 --> 00:14:51,103 They spit in my soup ? 324 00:14:51,228 --> 00:14:52,232 When ? 325 00:14:52,407 --> 00:14:55,041 Well, Mrs. Harding says they do it every day. 326 00:14:55,476 --> 00:14:57,041 I didn't tell you 'cause I know you like your soup, 327 00:14:57,165 --> 00:14:58,813 and I didn't want to make you upset. 328 00:14:59,396 --> 00:15:00,981 They gave me mono. 329 00:15:01,117 --> 00:15:02,692 It's time to fight back. 330 00:15:03,166 --> 00:15:05,960 For the exploding cigarettes, for the duct tape, 331 00:15:06,097 --> 00:15:07,393 for the super glue and 332 00:15:07,518 --> 00:15:10,810 for what Mrs. Harding told me they rubbed on your coffee mug. 333 00:15:11,258 --> 00:15:12,861 They put their privates in it. 334 00:15:12,997 --> 00:15:14,723 Again, I didn't want to upset you. 335 00:15:15,076 --> 00:15:16,461 Come on, guys, what do you say ? 336 00:15:16,597 --> 00:15:18,513 Huh ? Are we gonna sit around and take it ? 337 00:15:18,646 --> 00:15:20,120 Or are we going to fight back ? 338 00:15:21,145 --> 00:15:23,181 Let's get those bastards. 339 00:15:25,445 --> 00:15:29,142 Mr. Romack went the eye-for-an-eye, glue-for-glue route. 340 00:15:35,218 --> 00:15:38,080 For Mrs. McCullum, revenge was sweet. 341 00:15:40,096 --> 00:15:41,411 And a little messy. 342 00:15:49,516 --> 00:15:53,911 For Mrs. Harding, all revenge took was assigned seats and an Allen wrench. 343 00:16:02,797 --> 00:16:04,900 And we saved the worst kid for last. 344 00:16:05,026 --> 00:16:05,911 Nick Daley. 345 00:16:06,046 --> 00:16:08,073 We decided to hit him where it would hurt the most, 346 00:16:08,206 --> 00:16:10,711 his 1968 cobalt blue Camaro. 347 00:16:10,848 --> 00:16:13,112 And Mr. Baldwin was excited to do the dirty work. 348 00:16:13,236 --> 00:16:15,581 Oh, man, it is going to be crazy. 349 00:16:15,715 --> 00:16:18,503 When he starts up the car, the CD player is going to play 350 00:16:18,637 --> 00:16:23,501 I have a tiny penis, I have a tiny penis, over and over again on a loop. 351 00:16:23,635 --> 00:16:25,410 And then when he tries to turn it off, 352 00:16:25,545 --> 00:16:27,822 I rigged the interior with airbags, boom ! 353 00:16:27,957 --> 00:16:30,460 They're all going to explode, then the doors are going to lock-- 354 00:16:30,586 --> 00:16:32,781 anyone who touches the handle to try and get out... 355 00:16:33,157 --> 00:16:34,232 ...gonna get shocked. 356 00:16:35,465 --> 00:16:36,560 Oh, man. 357 00:16:36,957 --> 00:16:40,040 Oh, I wish my old shop teacher was still alive to see this. 358 00:16:41,647 --> 00:16:43,510 This is for you, Mr. Veeley. 359 00:16:49,845 --> 00:16:50,773 All right, nice work. 360 00:16:50,908 --> 00:16:54,062 Now, when we go back in, act casual. 361 00:16:55,818 --> 00:16:57,590 Casual ! Casual ! 362 00:17:05,746 --> 00:17:06,693 Have a nice lunch break. 363 00:17:06,827 --> 00:17:07,823 Buckle up for safety. 364 00:17:07,957 --> 00:17:09,153 Enjoy your ride, kids. 365 00:17:09,286 --> 00:17:10,052 What ? 366 00:17:14,737 --> 00:17:16,971 It was the kind of excitement a teacher should have, 367 00:17:17,105 --> 00:17:19,720 even if it wasn't coming out in the most teacherly way. 368 00:17:19,848 --> 00:17:23,572 Earl, I think I speak for all of us when I say this may very well be 369 00:17:23,698 --> 00:17:25,900 the greatest moment of my teaching career. 370 00:17:26,095 --> 00:17:27,591 What if he wets his pants ? 371 00:17:27,728 --> 00:17:30,000 Shh, Claire, you'll jinx it. 372 00:17:50,297 --> 00:17:51,401 It's okay, 373 00:17:51,527 --> 00:17:54,552 you can get him with the next bomb. You just have to delay it a little. 374 00:17:54,687 --> 00:17:55,890 They're going to call this terrorism. 375 00:17:56,026 --> 00:17:57,660 We're going to Guantanamo. 376 00:17:57,796 --> 00:17:59,802 Game, set, match. 377 00:17:59,997 --> 00:18:00,950 Yeah, bitches ! 378 00:18:01,085 --> 00:18:04,191 That's for sticking your pouch in my coffee mug. 379 00:18:04,326 --> 00:18:06,810 - Shut up. - Just everybody calm down. 380 00:18:06,937 --> 00:18:08,610 What the hell did you do the car ? 381 00:18:08,748 --> 00:18:10,492 I don't know what happened. Some wires must have gotten crossed. 382 00:18:10,626 --> 00:18:13,161 Must have ? Must have ? His car exploded, Baldwin. 383 00:18:13,287 --> 00:18:13,910 Shut up, Harding. 384 00:18:14,038 --> 00:18:15,411 - You shut up. - You want a piece of me ? 385 00:18:15,546 --> 00:18:17,490 - Let's go ! - Stop freaking out. 386 00:18:18,067 --> 00:18:21,151 Look, I've accidentally exploded tons of stuff in my life 387 00:18:21,288 --> 00:18:23,140 and nothing's been traced back to me. 388 00:18:23,278 --> 00:18:24,801 Now the important thing is, 389 00:18:24,925 --> 00:18:27,801 we go about our normal business and act casual. 390 00:18:28,097 --> 00:18:28,843 Got it ? 391 00:18:31,438 --> 00:18:33,370 See, this is what I'm talking about. 392 00:18:33,798 --> 00:18:34,873 Mrs. McCullum, 393 00:18:34,998 --> 00:18:38,443 rocking with your hands buried in your crotch is not acting casual. 394 00:18:39,848 --> 00:18:41,543 But I'm nervous. 395 00:18:42,815 --> 00:18:46,600 It's rare that you hear someone say a teacher has nerves of steel, 396 00:18:46,736 --> 00:18:47,952 and there's a reason for that. 397 00:18:48,088 --> 00:18:49,641 But there was nothing I could do. 398 00:18:49,776 --> 00:18:51,740 I had to send them back to class. 399 00:18:59,977 --> 00:19:05,792 P-P-Please open your American Literature Anthol-ol-ogy to page... 400 00:19:08,976 --> 00:19:10,600 But then something weird happened. 401 00:19:10,735 --> 00:19:12,781 Apparently, an accidental attempted murder is 402 00:19:12,918 --> 00:19:15,252 just what it takes to get a teenager's attention. 403 00:19:15,375 --> 00:19:16,692 I have a tiny penis... 404 00:19:16,826 --> 00:19:18,460 Those teachers are crazy. 405 00:19:18,596 --> 00:19:19,072 I have a tiny penis... 406 00:19:19,196 --> 00:19:20,350 They're trying to kill us. 407 00:19:21,097 --> 00:19:22,313 Okay, we pushed them too far. 408 00:19:22,446 --> 00:19:23,671 I peed my pants. 409 00:19:24,318 --> 00:19:26,292 Yeah, you peed in my pants, too, man. 410 00:19:26,816 --> 00:19:29,562 I have a tiny penis... 411 00:19:29,686 --> 00:19:31,732 Our little revenge plan had scared them straight 412 00:19:31,857 --> 00:19:33,291 in a way we never expected. 413 00:19:33,425 --> 00:19:36,570 And once Mrs. Harding realized the apple wasn't going to explode, 414 00:19:36,697 --> 00:19:39,043 she calmed down and was able to get back to teaching 415 00:19:39,175 --> 00:19:40,730 for the first time in years. 416 00:19:43,108 --> 00:19:46,900 The teachers were so grateful to have control over their classrooms again, 417 00:19:47,028 --> 00:19:50,660 that they went back to teaching everyone, including me and Randy. 418 00:19:51,136 --> 00:19:53,430 And me and Randy liked learning so much, 419 00:19:53,558 --> 00:19:56,472 we took classes that wouldn't even be on the G.E.D. test. 420 00:19:56,597 --> 00:19:58,880 My zucchini bread turned out perfect. 421 00:20:06,067 --> 00:20:07,623 For the first time in my life, 422 00:20:07,756 --> 00:20:10,682 I turned in a test and felt good about my future. 423 00:20:12,177 --> 00:20:15,342 I didn't make a picture this time because I knew too many of the answers. 424 00:20:15,478 --> 00:20:17,440 But I did draw something on my scratch paper. 425 00:20:17,577 --> 00:20:19,072 It's an elf named Finster. 426 00:20:23,095 --> 00:20:26,292 I may not have gotten to walk across the stage wearing a dress, 427 00:20:26,415 --> 00:20:28,983 but I felt like I accomplished something big in my life. 428 00:20:30,696 --> 00:20:33,411 I even got to apply my newly learned math skills. 429 00:20:34,208 --> 00:20:36,792 Looks like I'm a third of the way to becoming an adult. 430 00:20:37,526 --> 00:20:38,913 Or two sixths. 431 00:20:39,408 --> 00:20:40,982 Or three ninths. 432 00:20:41,296 --> 00:20:43,121 Or D) all of the above. 433 00:20:43,297 --> 00:20:45,172 And I was doubly proud that day, 'cause 434 00:20:45,297 --> 00:20:46,981 Randy did a lot of learning, too. 435 00:20:47,106 --> 00:20:49,081 I got a lot of carving to do. 436 00:20:50,008 --> 00:20:51,971 Transcript : Raceman 437 00:20:52,008 --> 00:20:53,972 Synchro : Dingo 438 00:20:54,007 --> 00:20:56,002 www.forom.com