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Every year on my birthday,
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00:00:02,948 --> 00:00:06,109
Randy wakes up early
to make me breakfast in bed.
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Unfortunately, he's not used to being up
early and falls right back asleep.
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Randy ?
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The think I was most happy to celebrate
was not being the third person at the motel
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to be killed in a bed fire.
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Another thing I was celebrating
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was doing more good things this year
than I had in my entire life.
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Like helping a gay guy
come out of the closet,
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00:00:28,545 --> 00:00:30,850
returning a nun
to her holy place,
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unruining a wedding and helping
some freaks jump back into the world.
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Looking back on the year made
me feel pretty proud of myself.
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Is there gum in these pancakes ?
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Yeah, I put all your favorite
things in there.
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There's beer and gummy worms.
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And you know that button
that came off your yellow shirt ?
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I put that in there, too, kind of as a joke,
but I think one of us already ate it.
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Happy birthday.
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Thanks, Randy.
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I really think this is going to be
a happy birthday.
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Oh ! Found the button.
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Transcript : Raceman www.forom.com
Synchro : Dingo
Trad : Reivilo, CSIvore
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TEAM MY NAME IS EARL
http ://experts. heberg-forum. net
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This birthday felt different
than other ones.
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and not just'cause
I didn't start drinking at noon.
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I had gone a whole year
doing good things,
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and Randy was throwing me
a party to celebrate.
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Thanks for the button.
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It's a good size.
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I have a customer at
Club Chubby who makes them.
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It's not a great business, so he has
to tip me for his lap dances with buttons.
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Look at the cake I got you.
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It was half price.
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Who's "Gary"?
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Some guy at the Department of Water
and Power who was standing
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in some water when
he touched some power.
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He's going to be fine, but they
postponed the retirement party.
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We're invited.
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No gifts, please.
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Good, I wouldn't have known
what to get him.
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It's an ice cream cake.
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That's your favorite kind of cake because
it's got ice cream in the middle,
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just like your favorite kind
of truck does.
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You know, an ice cream truck ?
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I do love ice cream trucks.
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Remember how much fun we used to have with
that ice cream truck in the trailer park ?
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A few years ago, I was into some show
where guys acted like jackasses.
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I think it was called Dumbass.
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Anyway, when my neighbor's cable
got shut off, I had to entertain myself.
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But the tricks
didn't stop there.
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I found lots of other fun ways
to wake Randy up.
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Oh, God ! Oh, God !
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what's happening ?! What's happening ?!
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Oh, God, what's happening ?!
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Nice try, Earl. Pee is warm.
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Yeah.
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Listen, I'm sorry, it's on my list, but
tonight's not about what's still on my list.
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It's about what I've crossed off.
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It's been a good year, Randy.
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I'm going to go mingle.
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Hey, Pickled Egg Guy, lookin'good.
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Nice hat, African-American Cowboy.
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Hey, Nescobar-A-Lop-Lop.
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How's the English coming ?
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I speak better than you, bitch.
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There you go, Willie.
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See that, Mom ? I help people.
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Earl, I was just telling One-Eyed William
about the time you peed on my brand-new rug.
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What a story.
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There's no way you'd remember that.
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Mom was right, I didn't remember,
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but I'd heard about it enough times
to know what it was.
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Now you come back here and
get this diaper on, Mr. Silly Pants !
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Ah, I think I hear your daddy coming
back from his night out with his friends.
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Earl, what are you doing ?
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Not on the rug !
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What are you doing in the bathroom ?
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Son, that's not the bathroom !
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Shut the door, Mom !
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My living room is not a toilet !
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That's a good story, Mom,
but that was Bad Earl.
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I was kind of hoping we could focus
on Good Earl tonight.
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You know, the one who fixes things ?
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Well, there's only been
one year of Good Earl.
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I'm not sure we'd have
enough to talk about.
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Hey, Willie, why don't you show
my mom what's under your patch ?
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Ooh, God, it looks like there's
a little raisin in there.
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Hey, look, Earl,
I'm an alcoholic hamster.
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You got to do that for Mr. Turtle.
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He's going to laugh and laugh.
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Hey, Randy was just telling me about
the pranks you used to pull...
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Yeah, yeah, I know.
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I've done some bad things.
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I'm aware of that.
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I've written'em down.
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But I've done some good things, too.
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I raised your son for five years.
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Let's not forget about that.
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Oh, I remember.
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Although, it's a miracle I remember
anything after that time you got me stoned.
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Before Darnell was making
his famous lemon squares,
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he used to make some pretty famous
brownies and sell'em on Thursday nights.
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It being the Crab Shack, the only brownies
that sold were the five-dollar ones.
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Me and Randy weren't into pot,
but we were into money.
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My man.
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Is that good for you ?
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The plan was for me and Randy
to buy all the 25-cent brownies
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at the end of the night and
sell'em somewhere else.
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Like every Thursday night,
the quarter brownies didn't sell,
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and also like every Thursday night,
me and Randy drank so much,
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we passed out
on the pool table.
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So we never got a chance to buy
the real pot brownies.
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I'm glad the regular
brownies didn't sell.
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That way, me and my Grandmoms can eat all
these brownies and play Scrabble tonight.
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We share a sweet tooth
and a love of language.
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And I certainly didn't mean
to get him stoned like this.
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Hey, man, you sold us pot
brownies with no pot in'em !
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I just sat through dinner with
my parents straight !
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I haven't done that since I was 13 !
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I listened to a whole Phish album,
and it sucked !
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And I certainly didn't want it
to happen like this.
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It was biblical.
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Okay, then.
I'm going to go fire up the karaoke.
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Even though the crowd wasn't nearly drunk
enough to make karaoke entertaining,
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I knew it would at least stop people from
reminding me of all the bad stuff I'd done.
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Okay, who wants to go first ?
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Maybe sing, uh, I don't know,
"For He's a Jolly Good Fellow"?
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Donny Jones, can you come sing for us ?
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Oh, I don't know.
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Anything you want.
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What would Jesus sing ?
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This is for my good friend, Earl Hickey,
who went to great lengths to get
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my mom to quit smoking so we could
spend more precious years together.
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Hear, hear !
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He also got me seriously
injured by a potted fern.
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Still waiting for you to make up
for that one, buddy.
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You're a pot breaker, fern shaker,
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scar maker.
Don't you mess around with me !
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Oh yeah ! You're a pot taker,
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face breaker, frown maker.
Get that fern away, no, no, no !
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It was bad enough people were telling me
about the terrible stuff I had done.
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Now Donny was singing about how
I almost got him killed by a fern.
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I didn't set out to get Donny hurt.
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I set out to help a pregnant Joy,
who wasn't feeling good about how she looked.
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What are you hens clucking about ?
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Some more of that blue ice
drop from the sky again ?
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I swear, those pilots see a trailer park
and just pull the chute.
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There's a Peepin'Tom running around.
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He likes to watch people do it.
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He saw Jill doing it with Doug, he saw
Karen doing it with clamps on her nubbies.
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Hey !
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That's okay.
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He saw me doing it with clamps
on my nubbies, too.
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Thanks for letting me borrow
your nubby clamps.
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No attractive woman is safe.
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I'm sure he's peeped you, too, Joy.
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Oh, yeah, he's at my window all the time'cause I'm so pregnant and...
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hot.
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Oh, no !
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I left my binoculars and a six-pack of beer
on the comfy chair right outside our window !
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But I'm just too horny now
to go and get them !
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You put my comfy chair outside ?
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I had to, Earl.
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There's a perv out there
not peeping on me,
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and I want him peeping
on me even if it takes all night.
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Now, I went to Spencer's Gifts and
got us some crazy stuff.
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But we're going to have
to do it near an outlet.
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I knew no matter what we did, and
no matter what weird gadgets Joy bought,
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that perv wasn't going to show up'cause that perv was me.
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But I wasn't actually peeping on people.
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I'd seen some kids playing
in a big-screen TV box
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and was trying to find out who
bought it so I could steal it.
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I wasn't going to tell
Joy it was me'cause
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I went from having zero sex with a tired
pregnant woman to having lots
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of sex with an angry pregnant woman
on a mission.
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We're going to do stuff from
the Kama Sutra where I sit cross-legged
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and wiggle while you hold it for
two hours like Sting does.
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Get that oil out.
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We're not stopping this love
bus until the baby tugs on the cord.
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It's time for spankings,
but not for our kids.
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We're good parents.
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We use time-outs.
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It's time for mama's spanking'cause
I've been a bad girl !
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00:09:11,507 --> 00:09:15,720
It was fun at first, but after a week of
still not getting peeped at, she gave up.
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I got the sex swing bolted back in the ceiling,
and this time I'm sure I hit a stud.
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That makes two studs in the house.
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Forget it, Earl.
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He doesn't care about me.
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I mean, how bad do you have to be
to get passed over by a trailer park perv ?
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00:09:32,926 --> 00:09:35,610
Well, maybe if we brought another girl in.
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That might do the trick.
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Laying there horny on the ground,
I knew I had to come up with a plan.
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So I paid my friend Donny Jones
to peep and run.
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I knew he'd be perfect'cause even
when he just looked at women normal,
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it creeped'em out.
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Hey !
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00:09:59,237 --> 00:10:00,302
It's him !
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00:10:00,358 --> 00:10:01,383
He's peeping me !
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00:10:01,438 --> 00:10:02,192
He's peeping me !
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00:10:02,246 --> 00:10:03,960
The peep part worked out fine.
201
00:10:04,018 --> 00:10:05,752
The run part didn't.
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00:10:07,115 --> 00:10:10,122
This is for peeping me before
I finished Jenny Craig.
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00:10:13,008 --> 00:10:15,462
I forgot about that fern thing.
204
00:10:15,637 --> 00:10:18,722
Donny just showed me where he's still got
a piece of terra-cotta underneath his scalp.
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00:10:18,776 --> 00:10:20,892
It's like this big, shaped like Texas.
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00:10:20,947 --> 00:10:23,951
It's half that big, okay,
and he should be thanking me.
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00:10:24,008 --> 00:10:26,611
It's the only thing he as
to talk about other than his Bible.
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00:10:26,948 --> 00:10:30,000
Besides, the whole thing started with me
trying to make you feel better about
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00:10:30,057 --> 00:10:31,433
yourself when you were pregnant.
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00:10:31,485 --> 00:10:33,401
Please. You were horrible.
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00:10:33,458 --> 00:10:36,160
If I hadn't been carrying another
man's baby, I would have left you.
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00:10:44,065 --> 00:10:45,381
Come on.
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00:10:53,305 --> 00:10:54,820
Come on.
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00:11:04,856 --> 00:11:06,132
Come on.
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00:11:11,038 --> 00:11:12,393
Hey, fatty.
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00:11:14,628 --> 00:11:16,210
Come on.
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00:11:19,205 --> 00:11:20,472
Look, I'm sorry.
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00:11:21,205 --> 00:11:22,681
How many Gs in pregnant ?
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00:11:22,756 --> 00:11:24,532
What do I look like,
a professor of spelling ?
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Just put it on there and do it soon.
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00:11:30,858 --> 00:11:33,110
Not before you do number 86.
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That one was way worse.
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86 was a bad one.
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00:11:38,308 --> 00:11:41,162
It was Ladies'Night at
the Crab Shack which meant me and
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00:11:41,215 --> 00:11:43,462
Randy were using some
of our best moves.
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00:11:44,128 --> 00:11:45,340
Hi, I'm Randy.
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00:11:45,398 --> 00:11:47,683
Are you drunk enough
to go home with me ?
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00:11:51,318 --> 00:11:52,080
Yep.
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00:11:56,048 --> 00:11:58,211
You got great boobs, Peggy.
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My name's Didi.
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00:12:00,355 --> 00:12:02,671
You got great boobs, Didi.
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00:12:03,355 --> 00:12:05,920
Your mama sure raised a sweet-talker.
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00:12:05,976 --> 00:12:07,832
Everything seemed normal...
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00:12:08,127 --> 00:12:09,652
until the next morning.
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00:12:12,657 --> 00:12:14,600
I'm going to make us some coffee.
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00:12:16,947 --> 00:12:20,503
But when Didi got out of bed,
one of her legs didn't go with her.
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00:12:25,898 --> 00:12:27,190
Oh, my God !
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00:12:27,356 --> 00:12:29,001
Oh... oh, my God.
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00:12:29,056 --> 00:12:31,091
Do you want me to whip up some eggs ?
240
00:12:31,158 --> 00:12:32,360
Shut up. I'm thinking.
241
00:12:32,418 --> 00:12:33,711
I mean, sure.
242
00:12:37,218 --> 00:12:40,711
Earl, can you come in
here and give me a hand ?
243
00:12:40,767 --> 00:12:42,971
A hand ? There's a hand...?
244
00:12:44,967 --> 00:12:48,741
I wanted out of there fast, but
I had paid for Didi's drinks all night,
245
00:12:48,808 --> 00:12:50,930
and I thought I deserved a refund.
246
00:12:54,038 --> 00:12:55,812
Earl, do you mind...?
247
00:12:57,446 --> 00:12:59,423
You son of a bitch !
248
00:13:01,725 --> 00:13:02,523
Wait.
249
00:13:03,757 --> 00:13:05,542
Stand back. Stand back.
250
00:13:08,467 --> 00:13:11,171
You said you loved me !
251
00:13:14,597 --> 00:13:16,832
Everyone,
can I get your attention, please ?
252
00:13:16,888 --> 00:13:19,373
I'd like to give a toast to my son.
253
00:13:19,428 --> 00:13:20,962
The man of the hour.
254
00:13:21,135 --> 00:13:22,373
Stand up, Earl.
255
00:13:24,007 --> 00:13:26,863
I am so proud of the man you've become.
256
00:13:26,928 --> 00:13:30,643
I never would have expected my dad to be
the one who finally turned my night around.
257
00:13:30,696 --> 00:13:33,492
Because, boy,
you were a pain in the ass.
258
00:13:33,558 --> 00:13:34,972
Turns out he wasn't.
259
00:13:35,047 --> 00:13:37,190
Remember the time you almost
got me divorced ?
260
00:13:38,088 --> 00:13:40,640
Dad wasn't always in a good
mood when he came home from work.
261
00:13:40,695 --> 00:13:43,501
Earl, get your feet off the table.
262
00:13:47,156 --> 00:13:48,423
I said get'em off.
263
00:13:48,477 --> 00:13:50,353
They're not on the table. Look.
264
00:13:50,978 --> 00:13:51,880
Yeah ?
265
00:13:53,115 --> 00:13:55,641
Well, let's see you put
your feet on it now.
266
00:14:01,345 --> 00:14:03,581
Oh, you think that's funny ?
267
00:14:09,837 --> 00:14:12,053
Enjoy your cartoons now.
268
00:14:14,498 --> 00:14:16,523
Man, your dad is a jerk.
269
00:14:17,087 --> 00:14:19,210
I thought my dad was a jerk, too.
270
00:14:19,578 --> 00:14:23,230
In fact, I wished Dad was more
like my friend Eric's mom.
271
00:14:25,468 --> 00:14:27,760
Oh, hi, babies.
272
00:14:27,825 --> 00:14:29,282
How are you ?
273
00:14:29,337 --> 00:14:33,900
Oh, you are so handsome all of you,
like little men.
274
00:14:33,956 --> 00:14:36,292
Oh, no, no, no, don't move your feet,
don't move your feet.
275
00:14:36,346 --> 00:14:37,533
Now, let's see...
276
00:14:38,377 --> 00:14:41,542
This little piggy went to the market...
277
00:14:41,826 --> 00:14:44,390
And this little piggy went...
278
00:14:50,935 --> 00:14:52,971
He went somewhere else.
279
00:14:53,758 --> 00:14:57,092
Hey, why are we not dancing ?
280
00:14:57,168 --> 00:14:58,002
Oh !
281
00:14:59,527 --> 00:15:01,483
Your mom is so cool.
282
00:15:01,538 --> 00:15:04,632
I didn't get how drinking made
Eric's mom so happy.
283
00:15:04,697 --> 00:15:07,923
My dad drank, too,
but he never wanted to dance.
284
00:15:07,977 --> 00:15:10,580
Then I saw she had a secret formula.
285
00:15:18,377 --> 00:15:21,521
Did you tell your brother he could eat all
of the pigs out of the blankets ?
286
00:15:21,576 --> 00:15:23,830
What are we supposed to do with
all these blankets ?
287
00:15:23,887 --> 00:15:27,223
Our friends are going to think we're
so poor we can't afford the pigs.
288
00:15:27,278 --> 00:15:30,443
Even at his own anniversary party,
Dad was grouchy.
289
00:15:30,497 --> 00:15:33,520
But, luckily,
I stole some pills from Eric's mom.
290
00:15:40,187 --> 00:15:44,643
A little while later, my dad
went from unhappy to a little too happy.
291
00:15:45,528 --> 00:15:49,331
Uh-oh, there's a goose on the loose.
292
00:15:59,556 --> 00:16:06,300
Hey, everybody, what do you say
we have ourselves a little key party ?
293
00:16:07,936 --> 00:16:11,392
Kay's wanted to be with a black man
ever since she saw Roots.
294
00:16:12,065 --> 00:16:13,951
Hey, come on, Perry, come over here.
295
00:16:14,007 --> 00:16:14,812
Cough up some keys.
296
00:16:14,866 --> 00:16:17,162
I want to get a shot at your fine wife.
297
00:16:18,207 --> 00:16:19,183
No, wait.
298
00:16:19,235 --> 00:16:20,710
No fat chicks.
299
00:16:21,305 --> 00:16:24,033
Just kidding.
I love fat chicks.
300
00:16:25,107 --> 00:16:26,182
Mini quiche ?
301
00:16:28,627 --> 00:16:31,720
I slept on the the couch for
a week after that party.
302
00:16:31,775 --> 00:16:33,600
That's when my back problems started.
303
00:16:33,657 --> 00:16:35,042
Thanks for that one, too, son.
304
00:16:35,098 --> 00:16:38,322
My celebration had turned into
the birthday that wouldn't end.
305
00:16:38,756 --> 00:16:42,240
And Earl left me with one turntable
and no microphone.
306
00:16:42,298 --> 00:16:43,841
It's on the list.
307
00:16:44,465 --> 00:16:49,323
Then he made a wish and
threw a penny in my hole.
308
00:16:49,736 --> 00:16:53,390
165, and I'll never drink
cinnamon schnapps again.
309
00:16:54,575 --> 00:16:56,542
Stole my left front hubcap,
310
00:16:56,545 --> 00:16:58,502
he stole my right front hubcap,
311
00:16:58,605 --> 00:17:00,332
he slept with my sister,
312
00:17:00,338 --> 00:17:02,101
he stole my right rear hubcap...
313
00:17:02,155 --> 00:17:03,583
I got to get some air.
314
00:17:04,836 --> 00:17:07,161
He stole my left windshield wiper,
315
00:17:07,166 --> 00:17:09,481
he stole my right windshield wiper,
316
00:17:09,635 --> 00:17:12,113
stole the pine tree air freshener.
317
00:17:12,168 --> 00:17:14,752
I wasn't just getting air,
I was going home.
318
00:17:14,817 --> 00:17:15,973
I'd had enough.
319
00:17:16,145 --> 00:17:20,551
I realized I'd been wrong to expect everyone
to make a big fuss about me and my list.
320
00:17:20,796 --> 00:17:24,902
Well, I guess the only person that
was going to pat me on the backwas me.
321
00:17:24,955 --> 00:17:29,410
And then I saw the last person in the world
I wanted to see come hopping towards me.
322
00:17:29,466 --> 00:17:30,573
Earl ?
323
00:17:30,625 --> 00:17:32,620
Unbelievable.
324
00:17:32,678 --> 00:17:33,621
Hi, Didi.
325
00:17:33,676 --> 00:17:35,982
Uh, I was going to call you.
326
00:17:38,698 --> 00:17:39,503
Wait.
327
00:17:39,995 --> 00:17:42,100
You son of a bitch.
328
00:18:10,825 --> 00:18:12,011
Oh, come on.
329
00:18:14,666 --> 00:18:17,112
Surprise !
330
00:18:17,167 --> 00:18:20,530
Happy birthday !
Happy birthday !
331
00:18:20,587 --> 00:18:22,971
Surprise, Earl.
It was all a prank.
332
00:18:23,348 --> 00:18:25,043
Yeah, we thought tricking you
would be funny,
333
00:18:25,095 --> 00:18:27,073
like when you tied that rope to my foot.
334
00:18:27,126 --> 00:18:28,051
But instead of rope,
335
00:18:28,107 --> 00:18:31,182
it was mean words about things you've done
that made you want to hate yourself.
336
00:18:31,238 --> 00:18:32,973
Well, it worked.
337
00:18:33,027 --> 00:18:34,361
It was all my idea.
338
00:18:34,417 --> 00:18:35,973
You got to admit, it was funny.
339
00:18:36,028 --> 00:18:37,880
I mean, come on.
340
00:18:39,125 --> 00:18:43,180
We were about to let you in on it, but
you went off with your panties in a wad.
341
00:18:43,726 --> 00:18:45,213
Happy birthday.
342
00:18:45,297 --> 00:18:46,370
What are you doing ?
343
00:18:47,058 --> 00:18:48,922
Crossing off the key party incident.
344
00:18:48,987 --> 00:18:51,192
Nobody knew what to get
you for your birthday.
345
00:18:51,245 --> 00:18:54,383
Yeah, they stopped
making those flannel shirts in 1991.
346
00:18:56,178 --> 00:19:00,351
So we figured the best idea was we each
pick a thing and cross it off your list.
347
00:19:00,406 --> 00:19:03,490
Randy, cross off the piddle on
the rug one for me, would you ?
348
00:19:03,546 --> 00:19:05,903
You've done a lot of
good things this past year.
349
00:19:05,956 --> 00:19:07,641
We're real proud of you, son.
350
00:19:07,828 --> 00:19:09,513
I-I-I don't know what to say.
351
00:19:09,565 --> 00:19:11,912
Hey, Earl, can I give you
your cake now ?
352
00:19:11,965 --> 00:19:14,962
The wind from the bullet hole in
the wall keeps blowing out the candle.
353
00:19:15,365 --> 00:19:17,103
Don't forget to make a wish.
354
00:19:17,335 --> 00:19:19,713
Earl, open the door !
355
00:19:20,035 --> 00:19:21,553
Is Didi in on this ?
356
00:19:21,628 --> 00:19:22,422
No.
357
00:19:22,645 --> 00:19:25,031
I had tried to make up to Didi before,
358
00:19:25,087 --> 00:19:27,893
and I will again,
but tonight was not the time.
359
00:19:28,058 --> 00:19:30,981
So what I wished for was
for Didi to go away.
360
00:19:34,205 --> 00:19:36,561
And after 30 minutes of waiting...
361
00:19:38,146 --> 00:19:40,583
... and a brick through
the El Camino window...
362
00:19:45,608 --> 00:19:46,563
She's gone.
363
00:19:46,618 --> 00:19:49,980
Now's who's ready to get
this party started right ?
364
00:20:14,525 --> 00:20:17,920
This was exactly the way
I pictured my birthday happening.
365
00:20:22,055 --> 00:20:24,840
Except how Dad was freakin'on Mom.
366
00:20:29,098 --> 00:20:33,361
And like all my birthdays, I eventually
got drunk enough to break-dance.
367
00:20:33,416 --> 00:20:35,563
Go, Earl, go, Earl.
368
00:20:35,615 --> 00:20:37,891
It's your birthday,
it's your birthday.
369
00:20:37,945 --> 00:20:40,043
Go, Earl, go, Earl.
370
00:20:40,095 --> 00:20:42,391
It's your birthday,
it's your birthday.
371
00:20:42,446 --> 00:20:44,501
Go, Earl, go, Earl.
372
00:20:44,555 --> 00:20:46,741
It's your birthday,
it's your birthday.
373
00:20:46,796 --> 00:20:48,963
Go, Earl, go, Earl.
374
00:20:49,018 --> 00:20:50,990
It's your birthday,
it's your birthday.