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TEAM EARL : Cordesh, Reivilo, Rbuys, csivore, Dingo.
http : //experts. heberg- forum. net
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Can I lick the envelope when you're done ?
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I like knowing my spit's going
all the way to France.
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The furthest my spit's ever
gone before is wherever
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that hippie who asked us
for directions was going.
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Just remember,
up and down, not side to side.
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You don't want to cut yourself again.
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I don't normally write letters,
much less to foreign countries,
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but I'm doing #44 on my list
picked on a French kid.
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He was an exchange student
from France who went to my school.
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His name was Pierre,
and he was kind of different.
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That's the kind of kid
I liked to pick on.
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Good morning, class.
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This is our exchange student, Pierre.
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Welcome to America, Commie.
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Pourquoi ?
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And picking on someone was always
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the one thing in school
I could concentrate on.
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But like my grandmother's French poodle,
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eventually that little bitch bit back.
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Time's up. Trade quizzes
with your neighbor.
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Number one :
the answer is 47.
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Earl Hickey has it wrong.
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What are you doing ?
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Reading your quiz.
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Cut it out. In America,
we don't read them out loud.
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Answer two is 12.
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Earl Hickey put 5.
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Plus, there is a booger on the page.
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He put it there.
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It's a French booger.
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I think it's funny
when people look stupid,
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except when that person is me.
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This school wasn't big
enough for the two of us.
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So I decided to let Pierre know
that his choices were go home or die.
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Go back to where you came from,
you stupid jerk.
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It worked.
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Pierre left the school, the country
and never came back.
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So I sent Pierre
a plane ticket
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and a letter asking him to give
America another try.
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I also put in
a picture of myself
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so he'd remember who I was.
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I can't wait for you to give Willy
the mailman your envelope.
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When he sees he's got
to go all the way to France,
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he's going to be pissed.
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Two weeks later,
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me and Randy both got
something exciting in the mail.
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Pierre's coming to visit, Randy.
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And I got my Rainbow
Sugar Bits night light.
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Catalina's going to like this.
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She loves rainbows, and
it smells like fake fruit cereal.
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And chicken.
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Oh, that's just my hand.
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The reason Randy
was hoping Catalina
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would like the night light
was'cause
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their relationship had
changed in a major way.
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After Catalina got deported,
Randy married her
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so she could get back
in the country.
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Then they got an apartment in case
Immigration checked up on them.
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And today was moving day.
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Only Randy wasn't sure
if he was actually moving.
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Hey, Earl, you think she wants me
to sleep there
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or am I supposed
to just leave my stuff ?
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Only one person knows
the answer to that.
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God.
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Maybe.
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And also Catalina.
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Oh.
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Randy wanted to ask her,
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but every time he started thinking
about sleeping at Catalina's,
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he started thinking about
sleeping with Catalina.
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Hey, Catalina, I'm...
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And thinking about that
made him giggle.
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Uh... would...
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I didn't ask her.
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Sometimes being an American
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means going all out to say you're sorry
to a foreigner you strangled.
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I didn't know what
the French flag looked like,
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so I just drew that boot shape
to represent France.
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Actually, Italy is the one
shaped like a boot.
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Really ? What's France shaped like ?
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It's just an amorphous country shape.
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Yeah, I don't think
I can draw that.
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But I think Italy's near France,
so I'll just go with the boot.
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Why the hell are you making something up
to a French guy anyway ?
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Can't stand French people.
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Dated a guy from Quebec once.
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He was obsessed with my feet.
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Your feet ?! Are you kidding ?
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You got that toe that's turned away
like it's mad at all the other ones.
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That's what I'm saying.
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Probably all like feet.
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Whole damn country's
shaped like a boot.
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That's Italy.
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Pierre ?
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Earl ? Earl Hickey ?
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Pierre...
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Damn, I thought you people
were afraid to fight.
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Oh, a World War II joke ?
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That's fresh.
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Holy crap !
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That head butt was so damn rad.
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You know what ?
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Maybe French people ain't so bad.
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I mean, I love your nail tips
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and I been doing your kind
of kissing since I was 12.
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Now I shall bid you adieu.
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What ? Wait.
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You... you just got here.
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And I did what I came to do.
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So I'm catching
my return flight and leaving,
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before anything more than
the soles of my shoes
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touches your pee hole of a country.
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What'd he just say ?
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It's okay, Joy.
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He-He just had a long plane ride.
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Plus, I strangled him.
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Which I'm sorry for, Pierre.
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And I want to make it up
to you, so just
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stay a few days,
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and I'll show you what's
great about America.
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I would rather eat the foie gras
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of a substandard goose.
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I have a taxi waiting.
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Wait, Pierre...
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Sorry about your purse.
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This is Louis Vuitton.
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This isn't the kind of bar
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you want people to know
you named your purse.
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In France, you would be in a zoo.
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I knew Pierre would be back.
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Not because what I said convinced him
to give America another try, but
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because I had temporarily stolen
his wallet and passport.
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*Zut, alors !*
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Hey, change your mind ?
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No, my wallet and passport are missing.
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You check your purse ?
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You son of a bitch, it's a satchel.
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Look,
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I know this didn't go how
either of us planned, but,
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hey, maybe this is Karma saying
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you should give America
another chance.
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You know, one of the cool things
about us
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is that we like to take in foreigners
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and help'em when they're down.
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Yeah, right.
Give me one example.
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You ever see E.T.?
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Oh, you mean that movie
where your government
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kidnapped an innocent alien
and almost tortured him to death ?
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Oh, and then when he escapes
they chased him with guns,
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forcing him to flee America
and fly back home ?
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You ever see the movie
Moscow on the Hudson ?
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Since replacing a passport
and credit cards takes a while,
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Pierre had no choice but
to be my guest in America.
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So I got him a motel room
right next door to mine.
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So I am guessing there
is no 24-hour concierge ?
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Uh, if "concierge" is a
fancy word for hooker,
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they'll be around as soon as
the methadone clinic closes.
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I don't...
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Now I'd like to present to you
a very special gift,
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a token from me to you
of friendship
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and super national understanding.
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It's a Statue of Liberty bobblehead.
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I know, stupid,
it came from France.
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No, it says here
it came from China.
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No, the original.
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It was a gift
for humiliating England.
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And what did you do with it ?
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You floated it in
the sewage from New Jersey
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and allowed millions of obnoxious tourists
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to drop gum and snow
cones in her bosom.
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I never knew the Statue
of Liberty was a woman.
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I had a lot of questions
about America for Pierre,
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but I wanted to be the expert,
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so I kept my mouth shut
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and just showed him
the stuff I did know.
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And there was a lot of stuff right here
in Camden that made America great.
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Like the gravel pile.
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Pretty cool, huh ?
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Sometimes we throw pennies in there
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and then when they make a new road,
we go looking for them.
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Haven't found any yet.
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Let's see some other stuff.
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I took him to see Camden County's
largest freeway pileup.
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Now imagine this spread out
a mile along the freeway.
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It made the Guinness Book
of World Records.
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Okay, that's a lie.
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But it's probably
in a book somewhere.
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He was hard to please.
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He wasn't even impressed by some
of Camden's most beautiful sites.
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It's like taking a trip around
the world, huh ?
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You see all the Jesuses ?
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When you walk by
the black one, he winks.
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I had shown Pierre a ton of gravel,
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smashed cars and fancy art.
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I didn't know how to top it.
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So I needed help from some
people who loved America.
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And on Friday night,
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The Crab Shack's crawling with them.
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How can you not like this country ?
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It's got everything you want.
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Except for a big-ass fence
on the border.
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We're working on that, too.
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In America, you can get a
hamburger as big as your head
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and a marshmallow as small
as your pinkie toe.
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00:08:42,475 --> 00:08:45,462
We got baseball,
roller coasters,
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00:08:45,615 --> 00:08:48,961
and a system of jurisprudence based
on Jeffersonian democracy
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00:08:49,015 --> 00:08:50,941
and not the Napoleonic Code.
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00:08:51,525 --> 00:08:53,071
That little dude was wack.
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00:08:53,125 --> 00:08:56,753
Racial harmony,
pursuit of happiness, Seinfeld...
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00:08:56,806 --> 00:08:57,840
Dream Date,
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00:08:57,896 --> 00:09:00,200
Northern Lights, Maui Wowee,
213
00:09:00,267 --> 00:09:01,952
Mendocino Greeno,
214
00:09:02,006 --> 00:09:05,540
Carolina Sugar Bud,
government medicinal...
215
00:09:05,637 --> 00:09:07,031
It's not bad for legal weed.
216
00:09:07,097 --> 00:09:11,292
Big-ass malls,
Santa Claus, kid leashes...
217
00:09:11,405 --> 00:09:14,182
Pac-Man, Donkey Kong,
Dig Dug,
218
00:09:14,235 --> 00:09:17,611
Mrs. Pac-Man, Frogger,
Mrs. Frogger...
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00:09:18,025 --> 00:09:20,613
We don't have that one yet, but I'm sure
the scientists are working on it.
220
00:09:20,666 --> 00:09:23,013
Macy's Thanksgiving Parade...
221
00:09:23,066 --> 00:09:24,902
Rose Bowl Parade...
222
00:09:24,965 --> 00:09:27,042
Homo Pride Parade.
223
00:09:27,095 --> 00:09:28,673
All the wars we've won...
224
00:09:28,748 --> 00:09:31,590
Revolutionary, Spanish-American,
225
00:09:33,036 --> 00:09:35,002
1812...
226
00:09:33,035 --> 00:09:35,002
We won that war 18 to 12 ?
227
00:09:35,278 --> 00:09:36,273
That was a close one.
228
00:09:36,326 --> 00:09:38,292
Women shave their armpits.
229
00:09:38,348 --> 00:09:40,061
We play football the right way.
230
00:09:40,115 --> 00:09:41,723
Lance Armstrong...
231
00:09:54,065 --> 00:09:55,273
Vive la France !
232
00:09:55,468 --> 00:09:58,893
I was about to give up on changing
Pierre's mind about America,
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00:09:58,985 --> 00:10:01,953
but then I realized maybe there was
a better person for the job.
234
00:10:02,526 --> 00:10:04,451
But America's such a great country.
235
00:10:04,508 --> 00:10:06,623
Everywhere you look
there's toilet paper.
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Some of it even has lotion in it.
237
00:10:09,657 --> 00:10:11,340
Mmm, it takes a lovely woman
like you
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00:10:11,395 --> 00:10:15,203
to make such a horrible place
sound so wonderful.
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00:10:15,258 --> 00:10:16,710
It is wonderful.
240
00:10:16,768 --> 00:10:20,411
America is the land of
the free and the home of the slaves.
241
00:10:20,465 --> 00:10:22,741
Oh, Catalina, you have that, um...
242
00:10:22,836 --> 00:10:24,491
*Comment est-ce qu'on dit ?*
how do you say...?
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00:10:24,826 --> 00:10:26,201
*Je ne sais quoi.*
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00:10:29,806 --> 00:10:30,880
Isn't this great ?
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00:10:30,947 --> 00:10:32,032
Americans and foreigners
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00:10:32,087 --> 00:10:34,103
sitting around having fun together.
247
00:10:34,276 --> 00:10:35,303
It's true what they say.
248
00:10:35,367 --> 00:10:37,521
America really is a melting pie.
249
00:10:43,308 --> 00:10:45,021
Earl ! Earl ! Earl !
250
00:10:45,076 --> 00:10:45,901
- Earl ?
- What, Randy ?
251
00:10:45,955 --> 00:10:47,300
The French dude likes Catalina.
252
00:10:47,358 --> 00:10:48,503
I know, it's great, isn't it ?
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00:10:48,558 --> 00:10:50,312
It's the first time he smiled
since he got here.
254
00:10:50,367 --> 00:10:52,071
He wouldn't even smile
at Giggle Belly.
255
00:10:52,128 --> 00:10:53,702
Who's not going to laugh at this ?
256
00:10:53,908 --> 00:10:57,870
"Hey, I'm a baby.
Watch me suck my thumb."
257
00:10:58,087 --> 00:10:59,373
"Hey..."
258
00:11:01,295 --> 00:11:02,391
You neither ?
259
00:11:02,576 --> 00:11:03,833
Maybe I'm drawing him wrong.
260
00:11:03,886 --> 00:11:05,213
This is important, Earl.
261
00:11:05,268 --> 00:11:07,131
He's hitting on her
and I think she likes it.
262
00:11:07,188 --> 00:11:08,591
Randy, you're overreacting.
263
00:11:08,787 --> 00:11:10,113
He's making eyes at her, Earl.
264
00:11:10,168 --> 00:11:12,341
Just like that French
skunk does with the girl cat,
265
00:11:12,396 --> 00:11:14,400
only this time the girl
cat's not trying to get away.
266
00:11:14,455 --> 00:11:16,123
Just relax and trust me.
267
00:11:16,278 --> 00:11:18,062
"Or you'll get a kiss."
268
00:11:18,307 --> 00:11:20,100
Shut up, Giggle Belly.
269
00:11:23,138 --> 00:11:26,530
And that is why they call it
the city of light.
270
00:11:26,667 --> 00:11:29,253
Wow, Paris sounds so beautiful.
271
00:11:29,308 --> 00:11:31,693
It's the most beautiful thing
I have ever seen.
272
00:11:32,105 --> 00:11:33,673
- Until now.
- Really ?
273
00:11:33,757 --> 00:11:35,061
Camden's prettier ?
274
00:11:35,737 --> 00:11:38,712
You are so modest.
I love that about you.
275
00:11:39,056 --> 00:11:41,040
Excuse me a moment.
276
00:11:47,567 --> 00:11:49,630
Wow, he's going to the bathroom.
277
00:11:49,697 --> 00:11:50,950
That's disgusting.
278
00:11:51,005 --> 00:11:53,182
I like him. I think he's kind of sweet.
279
00:11:59,228 --> 00:12:01,452
Go back to where you came from,
you stupid jerk.
280
00:12:01,505 --> 00:12:02,823
Catalina is mine !
281
00:12:09,246 --> 00:12:10,401
Pierre, what happened ?
282
00:12:10,456 --> 00:12:12,692
Your brother squished my throat.
283
00:12:13,557 --> 00:12:14,793
Damn it, Randy.
284
00:12:17,736 --> 00:12:19,213
What the hell'd you do, Randy ?
285
00:12:19,268 --> 00:12:20,542
I strangled him a little.
286
00:12:20,608 --> 00:12:22,083
Randy, you're screwing up my list.
287
00:12:22,148 --> 00:12:23,670
He was making a move on Catalina.
288
00:12:23,728 --> 00:12:25,401
Well, so what if he was ?
289
00:12:25,457 --> 00:12:26,051
Huh ?
290
00:12:26,005 --> 00:12:27,343
Look, there's always going
to be guys
291
00:12:27,396 --> 00:12:29,270
who want to ask your wife out.
She's hot.
292
00:12:29,327 --> 00:12:30,960
Besides, she isn't your real wife.
293
00:12:31,018 --> 00:12:32,172
She doesn't even know you love her.
294
00:12:32,225 --> 00:12:33,661
I'll tell her when the time is right.
295
00:12:33,716 --> 00:12:35,660
When's that gonna be, Randy ?
You keep dragging
296
00:12:35,717 --> 00:12:37,551
this thing out and
you're driving me crazy.
297
00:12:37,608 --> 00:12:39,601
If you're not man enough
to talk to Catalina,
298
00:12:39,655 --> 00:12:41,420
all you deserve is
a green card marriage.
299
00:12:41,477 --> 00:12:42,081
Stop it.
300
00:12:42,136 --> 00:12:43,450
- Green card marriage.
- Stop it, Earl.
301
00:12:43,507 --> 00:12:45,211
- Green card marriage.
- Stop it ! I'm warning you ! Stop it !
302
00:12:45,268 --> 00:12:48,610
- Stop it, Earl !
- Oh, gross, Randy.
303
00:12:48,668 --> 00:12:50,630
Ugh ! It's got a hair on it.
Randy, what are you doing ?
304
00:12:50,686 --> 00:12:52,382
Stop saying what you're saying.
305
00:12:52,647 --> 00:12:54,651
I'm only saying it'cause
you know I'm right.
306
00:12:55,208 --> 00:12:56,542
Leave me alone !
307
00:12:57,638 --> 00:12:58,901
Stay out of my life !
308
00:12:59,376 --> 00:13:00,682
Fine, but nothing's going to change
309
00:13:00,737 --> 00:13:03,090
until you grow a pair and
finally tell Catalina.
310
00:13:03,148 --> 00:13:05,060
Grow a pair of what and tell me what ?
311
00:13:05,916 --> 00:13:07,892
Nads, and, uh, I...
312
00:13:08,786 --> 00:13:09,682
I, um...
313
00:13:11,356 --> 00:13:14,032
I've been wanting to say something to you
314
00:13:14,087 --> 00:13:16,373
ever since I saw you and, and...
315
00:13:16,476 --> 00:13:17,663
called dibs.
316
00:13:17,815 --> 00:13:22,723
I think you're the most beautiful,
sweetest girl I ever met, and
317
00:13:23,198 --> 00:13:27,560
I want to squash bugs for you
and pick you up over puddles,
318
00:13:27,618 --> 00:13:30,202
and be a real husband
because I love you.
319
00:13:31,548 --> 00:13:33,680
I love you, too, Randy.
320
00:13:41,338 --> 00:13:42,332
Earl.
321
00:13:42,846 --> 00:13:43,520
Earl.
322
00:13:44,238 --> 00:13:46,273
What am I gonna do ?
Randy thinks I love him.
323
00:13:46,327 --> 00:13:48,490
Well, that's what happens
when you tell a man you love him.
324
00:13:48,545 --> 00:13:49,280
What else could I do ?
325
00:13:49,336 --> 00:13:51,702
I didn't want to humiliate
him in front of all of those people.
326
00:13:51,756 --> 00:13:54,322
Look, I've got to go talk to Pierre
before he gets on a plane.
327
00:13:54,385 --> 00:13:56,943
Just find a way to let Randy down easy.
328
00:13:57,017 --> 00:13:58,692
Be honest and he'll understand.
329
00:13:59,766 --> 00:14:01,422
And when you talk to him,
if one of your breasts
330
00:14:01,478 --> 00:14:03,113
accidentally falls out of your shirt,
331
00:14:03,168 --> 00:14:04,850
wouldn't be the worst
thing in the world.
332
00:14:12,156 --> 00:14:13,033
Pierre ?
333
00:14:14,538 --> 00:14:15,472
Pierre ?
334
00:14:15,587 --> 00:14:16,382
Go away !
335
00:14:16,438 --> 00:14:18,393
I have an attack dog in here.
336
00:14:19,228 --> 00:14:20,290
Down, boy.
337
00:14:21,288 --> 00:14:23,162
Pierre wouldn't answer
when I knocked,
338
00:14:23,257 --> 00:14:25,141
so I spent all night trying
to get his attention
339
00:14:25,196 --> 00:14:26,670
through a bullet hole in the wall.
340
00:14:26,725 --> 00:14:28,323
Look, Pierre, I know
you don't want to talk,
341
00:14:28,378 --> 00:14:30,762
but you're my guest,
so I have to give you breakfast.
342
00:14:30,817 --> 00:14:32,993
I hope you like Rainbow Sugar Bits.
343
00:14:34,187 --> 00:14:34,960
Earl.
344
00:14:35,815 --> 00:14:37,641
I'm giving breakfast to the French guy.
345
00:14:38,396 --> 00:14:40,703
Hey, can I borrow your master
key to break into his room ?
346
00:14:40,758 --> 00:14:41,610
Any time.
347
00:14:41,935 --> 00:14:42,761
Guess what ?
348
00:14:42,815 --> 00:14:45,571
Last night, Joy told me how
to solve my problem with Randy.
349
00:14:50,098 --> 00:14:52,143
You don't really love that doofus,
do you ?
350
00:14:53,195 --> 00:14:55,292
No, I just didn't want to hurt him.
351
00:14:55,347 --> 00:14:56,403
I hear you.
352
00:14:56,677 --> 00:15:00,203
Listen, nobody is more sensitive
to hurting people's feelings than me.
353
00:15:00,806 --> 00:15:02,220
Tell you what you need to do.
354
00:15:02,695 --> 00:15:04,150
You need to have sex with him.
355
00:15:05,247 --> 00:15:08,101
This feels like the time you told me
the public pool was topless.
356
00:15:08,158 --> 00:15:10,090
I forgot about that.
357
00:15:10,285 --> 00:15:12,343
My boys still ask about you.
358
00:15:12,396 --> 00:15:13,652
No, this is serious.
359
00:15:13,708 --> 00:15:15,362
Once I had a breakup with
this dude from Quebec,
360
00:15:15,416 --> 00:15:16,543
but I didn't want to hurt
his feelings
361
00:15:16,597 --> 00:15:18,353
because he was assistant
manager at Sam Goody
362
00:15:18,406 --> 00:15:20,100
and I was getting all kinds
of free cassettes.
363
00:15:20,156 --> 00:15:21,171
So I slept with him.
364
00:15:21,238 --> 00:15:24,120
Only I made sure I was terrible at
it so he'd never want to do it again.
365
00:15:24,177 --> 00:15:26,473
You slept with a guy
for free cassettes ?
366
00:15:27,047 --> 00:15:28,651
Just once.
It was before CDs.
367
00:15:28,707 --> 00:15:30,063
Don't you judge me.
368
00:15:30,348 --> 00:15:33,672
What you need to do is get yourself
all stinky, smelly and nasty.
369
00:15:33,725 --> 00:15:37,272
Don't shower, don't shave,
let that mustache grow out a little.
370
00:15:37,325 --> 00:15:39,641
If you're bad enough at it, he'll never
want to have sex with you again.
371
00:15:39,695 --> 00:15:41,573
You can just go back to being friends.
372
00:15:42,765 --> 00:15:44,023
Thanks, Joy.
373
00:15:44,925 --> 00:15:46,461
That might actually work.
374
00:15:47,138 --> 00:15:47,922
Wait a second.
375
00:15:47,986 --> 00:15:50,590
How old were you ?
CDs came out in 19...
376
00:15:50,647 --> 00:15:52,530
Okay, I said don't judge me.
377
00:15:54,336 --> 00:15:56,993
By tomorrow he might not want
to have sex with me ever again.
378
00:15:57,045 --> 00:15:57,961
He may not want to have sex
379
00:15:58,015 --> 00:16:00,391
with anyone ever again,
but that is not my problem.
380
00:16:00,457 --> 00:16:01,881
Well, good luck with that.
381
00:16:04,367 --> 00:16:05,733
Hey, Earl, guess what ?
382
00:16:09,135 --> 00:16:11,113
I know, Randy, I know.
383
00:16:20,825 --> 00:16:22,123
Oh, good, you're eating.
384
00:16:22,956 --> 00:16:26,050
Look, I just want to apologize
for what my brother did.
385
00:16:26,115 --> 00:16:27,200
It's a long story and...
386
00:16:27,255 --> 00:16:28,340
he ruined it.
387
00:16:28,408 --> 00:16:30,782
I was going to get the girl
with my sexy accent.
388
00:16:30,846 --> 00:16:32,312
That never works at home.
389
00:16:32,698 --> 00:16:34,333
Wait, you don't talk like that at home ?
390
00:16:34,808 --> 00:16:36,552
Everybody talks like this at home.
391
00:16:36,607 --> 00:16:38,961
That is why we come here,
to get that edge.
392
00:16:39,018 --> 00:16:40,232
But that edge is worthless
393
00:16:40,288 --> 00:16:42,962
if someone is always going
to be blocking the rooster.
394
00:16:44,516 --> 00:16:46,372
I don't think you translated that right.
395
00:16:46,785 --> 00:16:48,551
It's always the same with you Hickeys.
396
00:16:48,605 --> 00:16:51,631
Every time I get close to the romance,
you screw it up.
397
00:16:51,688 --> 00:16:53,560
Just like when we were in school.
398
00:16:53,707 --> 00:16:55,683
Turns out, while
I was hating Pierre,
399
00:16:55,738 --> 00:16:57,191
the girls in the class
were loving him.
400
00:16:57,246 --> 00:16:59,030
You are so funny, Pierre.
401
00:16:59,135 --> 00:17:02,122
When you held up Earl's quiz,
he looked like he was going to cry.
402
00:17:02,175 --> 00:17:05,660
And the best part is,
it was my booger.
403
00:17:06,578 --> 00:17:08,553
I am going to the lavatory,
404
00:17:08,608 --> 00:17:09,650
and when I come back,
405
00:17:09,706 --> 00:17:11,620
I will judge the kissing contest.
406
00:17:11,676 --> 00:17:13,422
He never got to judge that contest
407
00:17:13,476 --> 00:17:16,323
'cause when he went into
the bathroom, I strangled him.
408
00:17:16,375 --> 00:17:18,861
No wonder none of the stuff
I did made you smile.
409
00:17:19,216 --> 00:17:21,213
You didn't come here
to learn about America.
410
00:17:21,265 --> 00:17:22,573
You came for the girls.
411
00:17:22,626 --> 00:17:24,142
Yes, of course.
412
00:17:24,265 --> 00:17:26,251
First I was going to kiss
the redhead.
413
00:17:26,306 --> 00:17:28,340
Then I was going to kiss
the blonde.
414
00:17:28,395 --> 00:17:31,991
Then I was going to make
the redhead kiss the blonde. Ah !
415
00:17:32,296 --> 00:17:34,112
I had it all planned out.
416
00:17:34,248 --> 00:17:35,900
Then it hit me like
a head butt.
417
00:17:36,008 --> 00:17:38,270
I knew how to cross
Pierre off my list.
418
00:17:38,408 --> 00:17:41,681
Pucker up, my French buddy.
We're going to find those girls.
419
00:17:43,615 --> 00:17:45,252
So the next day we went out
420
00:17:45,306 --> 00:17:47,692
to find the four girls
he didn't get to kiss.
421
00:17:47,808 --> 00:17:49,881
And Pierre was right
about one thing.
422
00:17:49,936 --> 00:17:52,623
That accent cut right through
all the small talk.
423
00:17:57,645 --> 00:18:00,303
Finding the girls wasn't nearly
as hard as I thought.
424
00:18:02,745 --> 00:18:05,703
It was a beautiful thing watching
Pierre's French accent
425
00:18:05,757 --> 00:18:07,433
blend with
our native tongue.
426
00:18:10,258 --> 00:18:12,910
There was one girl from
class we couldn't find.
427
00:18:12,968 --> 00:18:15,611
Fortunately, she had
a real friendly sister.
428
00:18:21,115 --> 00:18:24,191
Since the first four went so well,
Pierre decided to tell me
429
00:18:24,246 --> 00:18:25,761
about a fifth girl
he had a crush on.
430
00:18:30,006 --> 00:18:31,752
And I knew right
where to find her.
431
00:18:36,388 --> 00:18:37,850
I learned something
that day.
432
00:18:37,908 --> 00:18:39,303
Whether you speak French,
433
00:18:39,358 --> 00:18:41,451
American or that crazy
clicking sound
434
00:18:41,508 --> 00:18:43,151
they make in the jungle
somewhere,
435
00:18:43,308 --> 00:18:45,372
there's one language
that everybody can speak,
436
00:18:45,495 --> 00:18:46,802
the language of love.
437
00:18:47,007 --> 00:18:50,161
You know what, Pierre ?
I was a little iffy on you, but
438
00:18:50,367 --> 00:18:51,380
I was wrong.
439
00:18:51,666 --> 00:18:52,793
You're a good guy.
440
00:18:52,847 --> 00:18:54,082
I feel like I made a friend.
441
00:18:54,146 --> 00:18:55,042
Me, too.
442
00:18:55,246 --> 00:18:57,172
I was wrong about America.
443
00:18:57,225 --> 00:19:00,262
When I was young I dreamt
it was a wonderful place,
444
00:19:00,316 --> 00:19:02,271
and you made the dream come true.
445
00:19:02,848 --> 00:19:04,712
Well, come back sometime
446
00:19:04,765 --> 00:19:06,573
and maybe I'll help you
get to second base.
447
00:19:06,625 --> 00:19:07,700
Oh, but of course.
448
00:19:07,757 --> 00:19:10,073
I will come back the next time
I need a break...
449
00:19:10,816 --> 00:19:13,121
from my stupid wife and kids.
450
00:19:13,198 --> 00:19:14,002
What ?
451
00:19:14,397 --> 00:19:18,153
While I was trying to figure out if
I needed to put Pierre's wife on my list,
452
00:19:18,225 --> 00:19:20,791
Randy's wife was putting
stuff on her armpits.
453
00:19:23,738 --> 00:19:26,443
In fact, she was doing anything
she could to make sure
454
00:19:26,495 --> 00:19:28,321
she gave Randy
the worst night of his life.
455
00:19:48,425 --> 00:19:49,560
Catalina ?
456
00:19:53,686 --> 00:19:55,190
I'm ready to, uh...
457
00:19:56,626 --> 00:19:57,660
Catalina ?
458
00:19:57,716 --> 00:20:00,152
Climb in bed, Randy,
and make love to me
459
00:20:00,208 --> 00:20:03,171
the way your father does
to your mother.
460
00:20:08,557 --> 00:20:11,121
That night Randy learned
that two hours of torture
461
00:20:11,176 --> 00:20:13,320
could wipe out almost two years of love.
462
00:20:13,465 --> 00:20:14,970
Ow, ow, ow, that's sharp.
463
00:20:15,925 --> 00:20:18,411
Joy's advice to Catalina
worked perfectly.
464
00:20:18,687 --> 00:20:21,660
But there was one thing
Catalina hadn't planned on.
465
00:20:23,936 --> 00:20:25,662
That was amazing.
466
00:20:26,847 --> 00:20:27,543
Randy.
467
00:20:27,595 --> 00:20:28,801
Where are you going ?
468
00:20:28,855 --> 00:20:31,070
I have to, uh... to...
469
00:20:31,247 --> 00:20:32,183
to the motel.
470
00:20:32,238 --> 00:20:33,313
Please, don't go, Randy.
471
00:20:33,366 --> 00:20:35,270
That was the best sex I ever had.
472
00:20:35,326 --> 00:20:37,700
You were so sweet and so caring.
473
00:20:37,788 --> 00:20:39,532
I felt so loved.
474
00:20:39,587 --> 00:20:42,102
Really ? Because I was
just trying not to barf.
475
00:20:42,155 --> 00:20:43,331
I know. I...
476
00:20:43,686 --> 00:20:45,422
I smell like fish,
cheese and onions.
477
00:20:45,478 --> 00:20:47,450
But that was on purpose.
I could wash it off.
478
00:20:47,515 --> 00:20:50,490
You can't wash off the fact
that you pretended to be my mo...
479
00:20:54,528 --> 00:20:56,362
I'll never be able to shake that.
480
00:20:56,635 --> 00:20:57,662
I'm sorry.
481
00:20:57,808 --> 00:21:00,373
I don't want to hurt your feelings
or lose you as a friend.
482
00:21:01,177 --> 00:21:03,523
But this is just a green card marriage.
483
00:21:04,605 --> 00:21:05,813
Randy, come back.
484
00:21:05,867 --> 00:21:07,142
You were amazing.
485
00:21:07,197 --> 00:21:08,610
Please, don't go, Randy.
486
00:21:08,665 --> 00:21:10,731
Randy, please.
You were amazing.
487
00:21:10,798 --> 00:21:12,942
Randy, please, don't go...!
488
00:21:13,008 --> 00:21:14,683
TRANSCRIPT : Raceman
www.forom.com