1
00:00:01,521 --> 00:00:04,096
Lately, I've been getting trapped a lot.
2
00:00:05,371 --> 00:00:06,265
Damn it.
3
00:00:06,704 --> 00:00:08,881
I knew Randy couldn't
help me 'cause Saturdays
4
00:00:08,932 --> 00:00:11,441
are when he listens
to America's Top 40 countdown.
5
00:00:11,492 --> 00:00:13,769
* Nothing changes but the faces,*
*the names, and the trends*
6
00:00:13,820 --> 00:00:15,694
* High school never ends*
7
00:00:15,745 --> 00:00:16,788
* Oh-oh
8
00:00:16,839 --> 00:00:19,933
* Oh, oh, oh-oh, oh, oh, oh-oh *
9
00:00:19,984 --> 00:00:21,229
* Oh-oh-oh
10
00:00:21,287 --> 00:00:21,880
* Hey!
11
00:00:21,892 --> 00:00:22,856
* Oh-oh
12
00:00:22,901 --> 00:00:24,283
* Oh, oh, oh-oh...
13
00:00:24,330 --> 00:00:26,526
After that,
I was at the Crab Shack
14
00:00:26,589 --> 00:00:28,370
and got trapped talking to Slow Roger.
15
00:00:28,428 --> 00:00:29,941
Popcorn shrimp.
16
00:00:29,995 --> 00:00:31,672
Coconut shrimp.
17
00:00:31,935 --> 00:00:32,923
Pepper shrimp.
18
00:00:32,976 --> 00:00:34,330
Shrimp soup.
19
00:00:34,386 --> 00:00:37,490
My fifth favorite Tom Hanks
movie is Philadelphia.
20
00:00:37,935 --> 00:00:42,373
He had scabs on his arms,
scabs on his legs,
21
00:00:42,428 --> 00:00:46,051
scabs on his back,
scabs on his neck...
22
00:00:46,108 --> 00:00:48,101
And it wasn't just me who got trapped,
23
00:00:48,157 --> 00:00:50,213
the El Camino was squeezed in so tight,
24
00:00:50,266 --> 00:00:51,911
I couldn't even get to the door.
25
00:00:52,036 --> 00:00:54,680
so I went for the other
entrance there was.
26
00:00:56,737 --> 00:00:58,972
And when I got trapped for
the fourth time,
27
00:00:59,025 --> 00:01:01,922
I finally realized it was Karma
trying to tell me something.
28
00:01:01,977 --> 00:01:03,482
I just wasn't sure what.
29
00:01:07,407 --> 00:01:08,531
And then I knew.
30
00:01:08,585 --> 00:01:10,243
It wasn't something on my list,
31
00:01:10,298 --> 00:01:11,583
but it should have been.
32
00:01:12,185 --> 00:01:14,352
A few months back,
Joy stole a truck.
33
00:01:14,418 --> 00:01:16,383
When we opened up
the back to see what was in it,
34
00:01:16,436 --> 00:01:18,981
we found out she'd accidentally
kidnapped a guy,
35
00:01:19,117 --> 00:01:22,281
and I helped her keep him in there while
we figured out what to do with him.
36
00:01:22,335 --> 00:01:24,541
Karma was telling me
I needed to make up for it.
37
00:01:24,596 --> 00:01:27,053
Help! Anybody?
38
00:01:27,315 --> 00:01:28,352
Hello?!
39
00:01:31,405 --> 00:01:32,843
What's going on, Earl?
40
00:01:33,266 --> 00:01:36,813
Did you see that Saving Private Ryan
on TV last night?
41
00:01:37,096 --> 00:01:39,771
There was that guy that died
on the beach.
42
00:01:40,486 --> 00:01:42,791
That other guy that died on the beach.
43
00:01:43,746 --> 00:01:46,283
That other guy that got
hit on the helmet,
44
00:01:46,338 --> 00:01:48,401
he didn't die on the beach.
45
00:01:48,916 --> 00:01:50,801
Then he took his helmet off.
46
00:01:52,077 --> 00:01:53,973
He died on the beach.
47
00:01:59,017 --> 00:02:02,053
I thought about what to do
for that guy Joy kidnapped.
48
00:02:02,107 --> 00:02:04,182
And since I must have
caused him a lot of stress,
49
00:02:04,235 --> 00:02:06,672
I decided I should treat
him to a massage with Tammy,
50
00:02:06,727 --> 00:02:08,253
Camden's only legitimate masseuse.
51
00:02:08,308 --> 00:02:10,692
Make sure you don't knock until
we get around the corner.
52
00:02:10,745 --> 00:02:11,541
He can't see me.
53
00:02:11,606 --> 00:02:13,223
This gift has to be unanimous.
54
00:02:13,278 --> 00:02:14,791
He knows it's just a massage, right?
55
00:02:14,846 --> 00:02:17,262
I'm sick of seeing their hips go up
and hearing, "You missed a spot."
56
00:02:17,315 --> 00:02:19,812
No, no, he knows,
and sorry for what happened.
57
00:02:19,876 --> 00:02:21,690
Randy misunderstood
what was going on.
58
00:02:21,745 --> 00:02:23,473
I never had a legal massage.
59
00:02:23,525 --> 00:02:24,391
What's the point?
60
00:02:24,445 --> 00:02:26,510
It's like drinking non-alcoholic beer.
61
00:02:30,647 --> 00:02:31,902
I wonder if he's sleeping.
62
00:02:42,447 --> 00:02:44,221
Turns out, we could send Tammy home
63
00:02:44,277 --> 00:02:47,761
because there was nobody who could
massage the stiffness out of Josh now.
64
00:02:48,035 --> 00:02:49,031
How did this happen?
65
00:02:49,098 --> 00:02:51,642
Man, sometimes when a
garbage truck goes by,
66
00:02:51,708 --> 00:02:54,352
and a door slams at the same time,
the bed goes up.
67
00:02:54,416 --> 00:02:56,441
I probably should have rented
to a heavier guy.
68
00:02:57,465 --> 00:02:59,060
Hey, easy there, homeboy!
69
00:02:59,116 --> 00:03:00,311
You left a mark.
70
00:03:00,577 --> 00:03:03,450
Every time they pick somebody up,
they leave a mark.
71
00:03:03,645 --> 00:03:06,253
Finding the guy on my list dead
kind of bummed me out.
72
00:03:06,308 --> 00:03:07,520
We weren't exactly close,
73
00:03:07,575 --> 00:03:09,873
but when someone
you kidnapped passes away,
74
00:03:09,928 --> 00:03:11,983
any normal person is
going to be upset.
75
00:03:12,037 --> 00:03:13,370
Whoo-hoo!
76
00:03:13,516 --> 00:03:15,583
My witness is dead!
77
00:03:15,636 --> 00:03:17,852
Darnell, get me a pitcher of champagne.
78
00:03:17,918 --> 00:03:19,432
You know we don't have champagne.
79
00:03:19,487 --> 00:03:20,930
Then get me a Chablis and 7-Up.
80
00:03:20,986 --> 00:03:22,120
I want something sparkly.
81
00:03:22,176 --> 00:03:23,361
Wait, why are you celebrating?
82
00:03:23,417 --> 00:03:24,472
The guy was a human being.
83
00:03:24,527 --> 00:03:26,652
A human being that could've
put me away for life.
84
00:03:26,738 --> 00:03:28,361
My trial just got a lot easier.
85
00:03:28,417 --> 00:03:30,141
My deaf lawyer said it
was a lucky break.
86
00:03:30,277 --> 00:03:32,331
Well, actually, she said, "Wuky bake."
87
00:03:33,896 --> 00:03:34,893
You gotta meet her.
88
00:03:35,076 --> 00:03:37,522
She's funnier than that little
insurance lizard that talks.
89
00:03:37,898 --> 00:03:39,761
My God, I would marry that thing.
90
00:03:40,077 --> 00:03:42,012
Hey, Darnell, speaking of marriage,
91
00:03:42,078 --> 00:03:43,991
do you have any sort of
drinks for married people,
92
00:03:44,045 --> 00:03:46,520
like a Bloody Married
or a Married-tini?
93
00:03:46,576 --> 00:03:48,851
I'm only interested on account
of we're married now
94
00:03:48,907 --> 00:03:49,600
me and her.
95
00:03:49,657 --> 00:03:53,382
Ever since Randy married Catalina
so she could come back to America,
96
00:03:53,447 --> 00:03:55,540
he was letting people know
about it whenever he could.
97
00:03:55,605 --> 00:03:57,932
I got the license plate number
for that car that hit you.
98
00:03:57,987 --> 00:03:59,950
I was standing over there
with my new wife
99
00:04:00,007 --> 00:04:01,452
we got married recently.
100
00:04:01,507 --> 00:04:02,510
See the ring?
101
00:04:03,087 --> 00:04:04,301
Do you like man-jewelry?
102
00:04:04,355 --> 00:04:06,381
I didn't think I would,
but I really do.
103
00:04:06,605 --> 00:04:07,923
Anyway, as married people,
104
00:04:07,978 --> 00:04:09,911
we saw that car run you over and...
105
00:04:11,915 --> 00:04:13,662
I forgot the license plate number.
106
00:04:13,927 --> 00:04:16,410
So, have you guys started looking
for a fake apartment yet?
107
00:04:16,467 --> 00:04:17,792
We don't need to get an apartment.
108
00:04:17,855 --> 00:04:20,263
Randy just married me so
I could get into the country.
109
00:04:20,327 --> 00:04:23,233
Yeah, but you still gotta make
the marriage look legit.
110
00:04:23,365 --> 00:04:25,132
Those INS people are tough.
111
00:04:25,185 --> 00:04:27,980
They took away our
Filipino busboy last week.
112
00:04:28,228 --> 00:04:31,833
Poor little guy tried to hold them off
with a dirty mop and a feisty crab.
113
00:04:32,807 --> 00:04:34,421
Well, I would like a new place.
114
00:04:34,578 --> 00:04:36,442
Where I am now is a little cramped.
115
00:04:49,067 --> 00:04:50,083
What do you think, Randy?
116
00:04:50,148 --> 00:04:51,732
Do we need to get an
apartment together?
117
00:04:51,785 --> 00:04:52,762
What do you think, Earl?
118
00:04:52,815 --> 00:04:54,691
Do we need to get an
apartment with Catalina?
119
00:04:54,745 --> 00:04:56,381
I think she means just
the two of you,
120
00:04:56,435 --> 00:04:57,993
you know,
since you're married now.
121
00:04:58,046 --> 00:04:59,763
Just you and Catalina.
122
00:04:59,838 --> 00:05:01,493
Just me and Catalina?
123
00:05:02,967 --> 00:05:04,600
Yes, I'd like to do it, please.
124
00:05:04,758 --> 00:05:06,780
* Ding, dong, my witness is dead *
125
00:05:06,835 --> 00:05:09,281
* My witness is dead,*
* my witness is dead. *
126
00:05:10,255 --> 00:05:12,440
I wasn't sure how to cross
a dead guy off my list,
127
00:05:12,508 --> 00:05:14,250
so I went to Hamerick's Funeral Home
128
00:05:14,307 --> 00:05:16,351
to find out when his
funeral was gonna be.
129
00:05:16,507 --> 00:05:18,760
Maybe someone there could
tell me what I could do for Josh.
130
00:05:18,815 --> 00:05:20,933
Uh, excuse me, Mr. Hamerick.
131
00:05:25,047 --> 00:05:26,220
Mr. Hamerick?
132
00:05:26,275 --> 00:05:27,563
He's a heavy sleeper.
133
00:05:27,618 --> 00:05:28,891
Let me try to wake him up.
134
00:05:32,986 --> 00:05:34,112
I'm just pulling your leg.
135
00:05:34,165 --> 00:05:36,250
He's dead. I'm Mr. Hamerick.
136
00:05:37,365 --> 00:05:40,931
Wha-What's a dead guy doing
watching a football game?
137
00:05:40,986 --> 00:05:42,610
Well, that's what we do
here at Hamerick's.
138
00:05:42,665 --> 00:05:44,643
We don't do any of those stiff-in-a-box viewings
139
00:05:44,698 --> 00:05:46,172
like those Nathanville hacks.
140
00:05:46,225 --> 00:05:46,901
No...
141
00:05:46,958 --> 00:05:48,973
Here we specialize in what I call...
142
00:05:49,026 --> 00:05:50,460
"the living tableau."
143
00:05:50,515 --> 00:05:52,570
You show them doing
what they loved in life.
144
00:05:52,672 --> 00:05:55,926
Last week had a gangbanger
tagging a Dumpster.
145
00:05:55,971 --> 00:05:59,053
It looked so real, the rival gang
came in and shot him again.
146
00:05:59,100 --> 00:06:00,896
Wow, that is so cool.
147
00:06:01,129 --> 00:06:04,312
Earl, Earl, when I die,
can you dress me up like an astronaut?
148
00:06:04,368 --> 00:06:06,251
But put me on a chair-couch
like that guy.
149
00:06:06,305 --> 00:06:08,393
I don't want to go up in space.
People die up there.
150
00:06:08,445 --> 00:06:10,201
So, how can I help you?
One of you sick?
151
00:06:10,258 --> 00:06:13,560
Uh, we're here to find out when
Josh Martin's funeral is.
152
00:06:14,116 --> 00:06:15,422
Josh Martin?
153
00:06:15,475 --> 00:06:17,341
Oh, the retractable bed kid?
154
00:06:17,427 --> 00:06:18,462
Nobody claimed his body.
155
00:06:18,518 --> 00:06:19,832
He's not gonna have a funeral.
156
00:06:19,898 --> 00:06:20,952
That's terrible.
157
00:06:21,008 --> 00:06:21,933
Excuse me.
158
00:06:22,007 --> 00:06:24,450
Are those potato chips real
or are they dead, too?
159
00:06:25,065 --> 00:06:27,821
I wanted to get ideas on what
I could do for Josh,
160
00:06:27,887 --> 00:06:29,362
so I went to talk to his neighbors.
161
00:06:29,428 --> 00:06:30,142
Dead?
162
00:06:30,278 --> 00:06:32,153
I loved that guy.
He was my hero.
163
00:06:32,258 --> 00:06:35,313
I've never seen someone accomplished
so much with just hooks for hands.
164
00:06:35,795 --> 00:06:37,671
I think we're talking about
a different guy, but
165
00:06:37,725 --> 00:06:38,780
thanks anyway.
166
00:06:39,248 --> 00:06:41,242
I knocked on every door
in the building
167
00:06:41,297 --> 00:06:42,702
and even went by his work,
168
00:06:42,845 --> 00:06:44,942
but no one seemed
to know anything about him.
169
00:06:46,387 --> 00:06:48,200
Here's an apartment that's pretty cheap.
170
00:06:48,567 --> 00:06:50,263
Randy, we're not renting any apartment
171
00:06:50,318 --> 00:06:53,100
where they ask girls to send in
pictures to prove they're not fatties.
172
00:06:53,167 --> 00:06:55,183
I can't believe it.
I looked everywhere.
173
00:06:55,415 --> 00:06:57,643
The guy had no friends.
Nobody even knew him.
174
00:06:57,696 --> 00:06:59,470
I knew a guy like that once.
175
00:06:59,736 --> 00:07:01,522
Oh, wait, I guess I didn't,
176
00:07:01,715 --> 00:07:02,521
because if I knew him,
177
00:07:02,575 --> 00:07:04,580
then he wouldn't be a guy
that nobody knew.
178
00:07:04,745 --> 00:07:06,363
I guess I didn'tknow a guy like that.
179
00:07:06,416 --> 00:07:08,143
Sorry, I thought I did.
180
00:07:08,456 --> 00:07:10,123
Well, I guess that's it.
181
00:07:10,495 --> 00:07:14,171
I gave it a shot, but
I can't find any way to help the dude.
182
00:07:15,456 --> 00:07:17,200
Josh, if you're watching,
183
00:07:17,335 --> 00:07:18,540
you saw I tried.
184
00:07:18,597 --> 00:07:20,340
I'm gonna cross you off now.
185
00:07:20,465 --> 00:07:22,393
Uh, if-if there's a problem with that,
186
00:07:22,688 --> 00:07:24,751
I don't know,
make my pen explode.
187
00:07:25,445 --> 00:07:26,241
Oh, wait.
188
00:07:27,818 --> 00:07:29,242
Okay, make it explode.
189
00:07:33,105 --> 00:07:34,572
Okay, I guess we're cool, then.
190
00:07:39,058 --> 00:07:40,480
Usually I get a great night's sleep
191
00:07:40,537 --> 00:07:42,490
after crossing something off my list.
192
00:07:42,608 --> 00:07:45,643
But crossing Josh off
just didn't seem to do the trick.
193
00:07:55,335 --> 00:07:57,490
Holy Moses! I thought you were dead.
194
00:07:57,547 --> 00:07:59,981
Hey, Earl, I am dead.
195
00:08:01,266 --> 00:08:02,200
Point to a number.
196
00:08:02,898 --> 00:08:03,981
Okay.
197
00:08:04,076 --> 00:08:04,980
Six.
198
00:08:05,407 --> 00:08:07,342
One, two, three...
199
00:08:07,398 --> 00:08:09,293
Are you mad I crossed you off?
200
00:08:09,425 --> 00:08:11,500
Kind of. Doesn't seem fair.
201
00:08:11,556 --> 00:08:13,731
I mean, you didn't do anything for me.
202
00:08:13,966 --> 00:08:15,502
Well, I don't know what to do for you.
203
00:08:15,555 --> 00:08:17,930
Just tell me what to do
for you and I'll do it.
204
00:08:17,985 --> 00:08:19,762
Anything you want and I'll do it.
205
00:08:20,677 --> 00:08:21,743
Do you know what they do
206
00:08:21,798 --> 00:08:23,871
with unclaimed bodies
in Camden County?
207
00:08:23,938 --> 00:08:24,652
No.
208
00:08:24,907 --> 00:08:28,611
They sell them to the university
for medical students to practice on.
209
00:08:29,416 --> 00:08:32,693
And you just know some joker's
gonna stick a pencil in my butt.
210
00:08:33,048 --> 00:08:35,310
Do you want me to write
a letter to the university?
211
00:08:35,368 --> 00:08:36,710
Is that why you're here?
212
00:08:37,536 --> 00:08:39,160
Pick a color and look underneath.
213
00:08:46,015 --> 00:08:47,493
Don't let me be forgotten.
214
00:08:49,877 --> 00:08:51,722
I have to throw Josh a funeral.
215
00:08:51,818 --> 00:08:53,260
When I find an apartment with Catalina,
216
00:08:53,317 --> 00:08:55,500
I don't know who's gonna
clip your nails for you.
217
00:09:01,807 --> 00:09:04,873
So, any thoughts of what you want
for the retractable bed kid?
218
00:09:04,937 --> 00:09:08,320
'Cause I think with the proper makeup,
I can turn him into a young Mel Gibson.
219
00:09:08,608 --> 00:09:11,653
I'm only mentioning this 'cause we got
a dead black guy coming in later.
220
00:09:11,706 --> 00:09:14,091
I thought I could whip up a whole
Lethal Weapon kind of thing.
221
00:09:14,147 --> 00:09:16,490
Walter, uh, I-I respect your work,
222
00:09:16,547 --> 00:09:19,371
and I'm sure a lot of clients
like this kind of thing.
223
00:09:19,855 --> 00:09:21,232
He looks happy.
224
00:09:21,498 --> 00:09:22,480
That's probably 'cause, uh...
225
00:09:22,538 --> 00:09:24,110
you put staples in his face.
226
00:09:24,896 --> 00:09:29,171
Not knowing Josh, I'd feel safer
doing something not so...
227
00:09:29,228 --> 00:09:30,170
Creative?
228
00:09:31,168 --> 00:09:33,450
Well, I was gonna say
"creepy and insane," but...
229
00:09:33,845 --> 00:09:34,753
what I mean is,
230
00:09:34,808 --> 00:09:37,413
I want something dignified
and respectful.
231
00:09:38,346 --> 00:09:40,062
A box, you want a box.
232
00:09:40,117 --> 00:09:41,880
You want the number three package
233
00:09:41,938 --> 00:09:44,361
with the blue suit and the hill view plot
234
00:09:44,427 --> 00:09:48,961
and Pachelbel's "Canon in D"
on organ with the stargazer lilies
235
00:09:49,015 --> 00:09:51,281
and the card with the 23rd Psalm on it.
236
00:09:51,335 --> 00:09:54,403
Well, not, not, not the cannon.
That sounds a little dangerous.
237
00:09:54,815 --> 00:09:56,872
Uh, should I just go to Nathanville?
238
00:09:56,925 --> 00:09:59,130
No, I'll do it. I need the money.
239
00:09:59,187 --> 00:10:00,500
I get sued a lot.
240
00:10:00,847 --> 00:10:03,323
After pulling the trigger on
the number three package,
241
00:10:03,377 --> 00:10:05,220
there were still a few
decisions I had to make.
242
00:10:05,277 --> 00:10:07,493
Look for something of Josh's
that'd be good to bury him in.
243
00:10:07,556 --> 00:10:09,562
Something dignified,
something that says,
244
00:10:09,618 --> 00:10:11,031
"I should be remembered."
245
00:10:12,515 --> 00:10:14,181
I don't want to speak ill of the dead,
246
00:10:14,237 --> 00:10:16,803
but fashion-wise,
that boy died years ago.
247
00:10:17,138 --> 00:10:19,180
Why do you care so much
about this guy, anyway?
248
00:10:19,236 --> 00:10:21,281
'Cause he came to visit
me last night in my dream.
249
00:10:21,337 --> 00:10:22,863
That's just your conscience, stupid.
250
00:10:22,916 --> 00:10:26,031
Ignore it. That's how I got through
cheating on you all those years.
251
00:10:26,825 --> 00:10:28,763
Please, you know how many
times I saw you standing
252
00:10:28,816 --> 00:10:31,120
on the hood of my car while
I was humping Darnell? Huh?
253
00:10:31,458 --> 00:10:33,120
Well, you know,
it's nice to know that you care,
254
00:10:33,176 --> 00:10:35,052
but I can't ignore Josh.
255
00:10:35,105 --> 00:10:38,213
You know, I'd think you'd be a little more
helpful after everything you did to him.
256
00:10:38,265 --> 00:10:40,531
Fine, I'll sell you Darnell's
wedding suit.
257
00:10:40,586 --> 00:10:41,761
The purple tux?
258
00:10:41,975 --> 00:10:44,410
I thought you said that had
grass stains on the back of it.
259
00:10:44,465 --> 00:10:46,273
No, that was my wedding dress.
260
00:10:48,607 --> 00:10:50,802
I wanted a big turnout
at the funeral, so
261
00:10:50,856 --> 00:10:52,441
I put up a flyer at The Crab Shack
262
00:10:52,506 --> 00:10:55,620
advertising free food and
free booze for all mourners.
263
00:10:56,047 --> 00:10:58,793
And I was confident I put
together a dignified funeral
264
00:10:58,846 --> 00:11:00,282
that would help him be remembered.
265
00:11:00,356 --> 00:11:02,290
- Hey, Crab Man.
- Hey, Earl.
266
00:11:04,638 --> 00:11:05,591
Thanks for coming.
267
00:11:05,646 --> 00:11:07,563
Josh would be happy
to know you're here.
268
00:11:09,226 --> 00:11:09,962
Who?
269
00:11:10,617 --> 00:11:14,290
Although there were a few signs things
might not go exactly as I planned.
270
00:11:14,838 --> 00:11:17,433
Hey, Earl, if people don't eat
all the food, can I take it?
271
00:11:17,488 --> 00:11:19,381
I can feed the kids for weeks on this.
272
00:11:20,326 --> 00:11:22,361
Did you cut the face out of the cake?
273
00:11:22,587 --> 00:11:24,572
Relax, I did you a favor.
274
00:11:24,627 --> 00:11:27,101
This picture was making everybody
think about the dead guy.
275
00:11:27,157 --> 00:11:29,822
We're supposed to think about
the dead guy; this is his funeral.
276
00:11:29,878 --> 00:11:31,572
Earl, uh, quick question.
277
00:11:31,786 --> 00:11:33,632
Why is the dead guy wearing my suit?
278
00:11:33,768 --> 00:11:35,963
Oh, I sold it to Earl for 50 bucks.
279
00:11:36,227 --> 00:11:37,640
You sold my wedding suit.
280
00:11:37,756 --> 00:11:39,493
It ain't like you need it anymore.
281
00:11:39,546 --> 00:11:41,623
I mean, are you planning on
getting married again?
282
00:11:42,706 --> 00:11:44,553
I love that suit,
and I can't replace it.
283
00:11:44,608 --> 00:11:46,261
The EPA says the dye's poisonous,
284
00:11:46,327 --> 00:11:47,711
and they can't make it anymore.
285
00:11:47,767 --> 00:11:48,363
Look, Darnell,
286
00:11:48,377 --> 00:11:51,561
you'll get the suit back just as
soon as the ceremony's over, okay?
287
00:11:51,617 --> 00:11:54,510
Till then, he's gonna have his dead
skin touching my suit, huh?
288
00:11:55,785 --> 00:11:57,163
And his dead junk.
289
00:11:57,276 --> 00:11:59,291
Well, I hear your junk gets
really tiny when you die,
290
00:11:59,346 --> 00:12:00,760
like when you're in a pool.
291
00:12:01,008 --> 00:12:03,130
You're just saying that
to make me feel good.
292
00:12:03,198 --> 00:12:04,661
His junk didn't shrink.
293
00:12:06,728 --> 00:12:08,022
Hold on a second.
294
00:12:09,436 --> 00:12:11,562
Damn it, people,
this is a coffin, not a bar.
295
00:12:11,615 --> 00:12:12,730
Move your stuff.
296
00:12:15,428 --> 00:12:17,223
Who put a cigarette in his mouth?
297
00:12:21,496 --> 00:12:22,490
Hey, Earl, sorry we're late.
298
00:12:22,548 --> 00:12:25,623
We were looking for apartments, then we
picked up my coworkers at Club Chubby.
299
00:12:26,086 --> 00:12:27,441
Ooh, cake!
300
00:12:28,337 --> 00:12:30,492
I got a free lap dance on the way over,
301
00:12:30,557 --> 00:12:32,732
but that's just 'cause the were more
people than seats in the car.
302
00:12:32,788 --> 00:12:34,040
That's great, Randy.
303
00:12:34,098 --> 00:12:35,693
I hope we didn't miss your speech.
304
00:12:35,745 --> 00:12:38,851
Oh, crap, the eulogy!
I gotta go practice.
305
00:12:39,118 --> 00:12:40,441
Hey, Earl, great party.
306
00:12:40,495 --> 00:12:41,863
It's not a party.
307
00:12:41,917 --> 00:12:42,930
Hey, Earl,
308
00:12:43,056 --> 00:12:46,140
I think I remember reading
that dead people can still flatulate.
309
00:12:46,355 --> 00:12:48,060
Do you think he's flatulating
in my suit?
310
00:12:48,115 --> 00:12:48,963
'Cause that ain't cool.
311
00:12:49,108 --> 00:12:50,741
Look, I'll get it dry-cleaned.
312
00:12:51,577 --> 00:12:53,360
You can't just take it to any cleaners.
313
00:12:53,415 --> 00:12:54,990
If they see it's got
that purple poison dye,
314
00:12:55,048 --> 00:12:56,702
by law, they have to destroy it.
315
00:12:57,247 --> 00:12:59,163
Unfortunately,
when I went into the bathroom
316
00:12:59,216 --> 00:13:01,691
to read over the notes
I'd taken for my eulogy,
317
00:13:01,778 --> 00:13:05,283
I realized it was just a list
of things I saw in Josh's apartment.
318
00:13:05,388 --> 00:13:08,800
"Cactus... mayonnaise... eggs... gas bill."
319
00:13:12,405 --> 00:13:13,192
Josh...
320
00:13:13,636 --> 00:13:14,753
cactus...
321
00:13:15,236 --> 00:13:16,591
mayonnaise...
322
00:13:17,157 --> 00:13:18,143
eggs...
323
00:13:18,827 --> 00:13:20,003
gas bill.
324
00:13:20,735 --> 00:13:22,010
Come on, Earl.
325
00:13:22,945 --> 00:13:23,800
All right...
326
00:13:23,858 --> 00:13:26,132
Now we lay him down to sleep.
327
00:13:26,325 --> 00:13:29,481
We pray the Lord his soul to keep.
328
00:13:30,475 --> 00:13:33,392
And when the... bough breaks...
329
00:13:33,728 --> 00:13:34,932
You can do this, Earl.
330
00:13:34,986 --> 00:13:38,281
The Lord giveth,
and the bed taketh aw...
331
00:13:39,256 --> 00:13:40,301
Come on, Earl.
332
00:13:40,358 --> 00:13:42,172
"J" to the Sizzle.
333
00:13:42,408 --> 00:13:44,310
"O" to the Hizzle.
334
00:13:45,035 --> 00:13:46,080
Give me a "J!"
335
00:13:47,636 --> 00:13:49,980
Come on, Earl. Cry...
336
00:13:50,387 --> 00:13:52,323
Lynyrd Skynyrd plane crash, uh...
337
00:13:52,388 --> 00:13:53,893
the Def Leppard drummer.
338
00:13:54,778 --> 00:13:55,851
Gas bill...
339
00:13:56,255 --> 00:13:56,973
I suck!
340
00:13:57,398 --> 00:13:58,540
What the hell's that?
341
00:14:04,775 --> 00:14:05,982
You had me at "Josh."
342
00:14:06,037 --> 00:14:07,392
While I spent time in the bathroom
343
00:14:07,445 --> 00:14:09,893
finding the right words to send
Josh off to heaven,
344
00:14:09,945 --> 00:14:12,370
everyone at the funeral
had started raising hell.
345
00:14:12,805 --> 00:14:15,080
* All you had to do was give Humpty a chance *
346
00:14:15,136 --> 00:14:17,141
* And now I'm gonna do my dance *
347
00:14:17,287 --> 00:14:20,120
* The Humpty Dance is your *
* chance for doing the hump *
348
00:14:20,175 --> 00:14:22,682
* Come on, yeah, sexy lady *
349
00:14:22,736 --> 00:14:24,832
Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!
350
00:14:24,888 --> 00:14:26,551
* Do the Humpty Hump...
351
00:14:26,748 --> 00:14:29,111
Look, we're not just here to go wild
and have a good time.
352
00:14:29,168 --> 00:14:30,723
We're here to talk about Josh.
353
00:14:30,778 --> 00:14:31,552
Who?
354
00:14:32,145 --> 00:14:33,842
The dead guy we're here to respect.
355
00:14:35,296 --> 00:14:37,032
Now, I've written up a eulogy.
356
00:14:37,096 --> 00:14:38,950
Turn the music back on.
357
00:14:39,008 --> 00:14:40,063
- Yeah...
- No!
358
00:14:40,118 --> 00:14:41,821
You're all gonna shut up, sit down
359
00:14:41,878 --> 00:14:43,931
and listen to my beautiful damn eulogy.
360
00:14:45,026 --> 00:14:45,732
Now...
361
00:14:45,837 --> 00:14:47,422
Josh was a good man.
362
00:14:49,725 --> 00:14:50,550
My bad.
363
00:14:51,517 --> 00:14:53,272
All right, that's it.
Everybody out!
364
00:14:53,327 --> 00:14:54,372
Everybody.
365
00:14:58,947 --> 00:15:00,732
Sorry, man, I let you down.
366
00:15:03,627 --> 00:15:05,653
The coffin's not a trash can.
367
00:15:08,617 --> 00:15:11,082
Earl, you still in here?
368
00:15:14,585 --> 00:15:16,732
You mind if I take some
of the leftovers?
369
00:15:21,236 --> 00:15:24,191
JOSH: You kidnapped me
and this... this is all I get?
370
00:15:29,007 --> 00:15:30,020
Six.
371
00:15:31,097 --> 00:15:32,502
Green, green!
372
00:15:32,837 --> 00:15:35,511
I swear to God, Earl, that dream
about made me pee up my bed.
373
00:15:35,568 --> 00:15:37,310
I never do that sober.
374
00:15:37,466 --> 00:15:39,020
I know. It's scary, isn't it?
375
00:15:39,436 --> 00:15:40,283
Freaky.
376
00:15:41,487 --> 00:15:42,840
Left me feeling all...
377
00:15:44,217 --> 00:15:45,152
I don't know how to explain it.
378
00:15:45,207 --> 00:15:47,461
I mean, it's not mad, because
I don't want to hurt anybody.
379
00:15:47,516 --> 00:15:50,001
And it's not sad, because
I don't want to hurt anybody.
380
00:15:50,367 --> 00:15:51,183
Earl,
381
00:15:51,655 --> 00:15:54,191
I think I might be feeling
guilty for what I did to him.
382
00:15:54,628 --> 00:15:55,413
Really?
383
00:15:56,328 --> 00:15:58,001
Well, this may sound weird, but...
384
00:15:58,058 --> 00:15:59,580
I'm kind of glad to hear that.
385
00:16:00,008 --> 00:16:01,233
I'm proud of you, Joy.
386
00:16:01,897 --> 00:16:03,800
Take it easy, cupcake.
We're not girlfriends here.
387
00:16:03,855 --> 00:16:06,903
Let's just find a way to get him remembered,
so he'll get out of my sleep.
388
00:16:07,488 --> 00:16:10,621
I've already tried, but
the guy didn't know anybody.
389
00:16:10,998 --> 00:16:14,381
I mean, you can't be remembered
if no one knew you in the first place.
390
00:16:14,437 --> 00:16:16,111
All we can do is just pack up his stuff,
391
00:16:16,178 --> 00:16:18,282
like the landlord wants,
and get out.
392
00:16:18,736 --> 00:16:20,213
I think it's depressing.
393
00:16:20,428 --> 00:16:24,291
I mean, this cactus is the only living
thing that'll even notice that Josh is gone.
394
00:16:24,618 --> 00:16:26,370
And that'll take six months at least,
395
00:16:26,426 --> 00:16:28,610
because these things
don't take that much water.
396
00:16:28,665 --> 00:16:31,661
Damn it, how the hell do you go through
life and not connect with anybody?
397
00:16:33,535 --> 00:16:36,262
Oh, I-I think I broke something;
the fish went away.
398
00:16:38,516 --> 00:16:39,633
What the hell is that?
399
00:16:39,685 --> 00:16:42,072
"Big Dog 842, are you there?"
400
00:16:42,637 --> 00:16:44,131
The computer's talking to me.
401
00:16:44,185 --> 00:16:45,531
It's calling me "Big Dog."
402
00:16:45,587 --> 00:16:47,000
It's not the computer talking.
403
00:16:47,057 --> 00:16:49,040
It's somebody in the Wide,
Wide World of Web.
404
00:16:49,315 --> 00:16:50,440
Can we talk back?
405
00:16:50,767 --> 00:16:51,450
Hello?
406
00:16:51,515 --> 00:16:53,332
That's not a microphone, dummy.
407
00:16:53,485 --> 00:16:54,972
That's the arrow mover thingie.
408
00:16:55,037 --> 00:16:57,901
God, I swear I can't believe you've
never heard of instant text chat.
409
00:16:59,438 --> 00:17:00,420
There's another one.
410
00:17:01,455 --> 00:17:03,021
Someone else is on there, too.
411
00:17:03,647 --> 00:17:05,021
They're all looking for Josh.
412
00:17:07,715 --> 00:17:09,462
That's when we discovered that Josh had
413
00:17:09,516 --> 00:17:11,433
a whole world of friends
we'd overlooked.
414
00:17:11,535 --> 00:17:14,330
They were just inside that box,
hiding behind the fish.
415
00:17:15,656 --> 00:17:18,712
Turns out, he played poker with guys
from all over the world.
416
00:17:18,777 --> 00:17:20,071
Full house!
417
00:17:20,128 --> 00:17:23,191
And once again, Chen,
I take your yen!
418
00:17:26,067 --> 00:17:27,653
He also played medieval music
419
00:17:27,707 --> 00:17:30,651
with a girl named "HarpyCord"
from Colby, Kansas.
420
00:17:36,397 --> 00:17:38,440
He enjoyed arguing about television shows
421
00:17:38,497 --> 00:17:41,043
in online forums under
the name WhoJackie.
422
00:17:41,637 --> 00:17:44,510
No, I don't think shows should
do more meta jokes
423
00:17:44,567 --> 00:17:45,800
that cater to the online bloggers,
424
00:17:45,857 --> 00:17:49,492
and I'm sure everyone at
TelevisionWithoutPity.com
425
00:17:49,547 --> 00:17:50,990
agrees with me.
426
00:17:54,207 --> 00:17:57,500
Friday nights, he had dinner with
a friend he met online from India.
427
00:18:03,798 --> 00:18:05,010
And every weekend,
428
00:18:05,065 --> 00:18:07,792
he played war games
with a a guy named SharpShooter.
429
00:18:09,495 --> 00:18:12,481
Medic! Soldier down,
and I'm out of healing packs.
430
00:18:12,537 --> 00:18:15,783
Funny thing, help wasn't as far
away as Josh thought it was.
431
00:18:16,066 --> 00:18:18,161
Hold on, Big Dog! Help's on the way.
432
00:18:18,366 --> 00:18:20,651
Just gotta mow down this wall of Nazis.
433
00:18:23,116 --> 00:18:26,192
We spent the whole day
telling people about Josh dying.
434
00:18:26,288 --> 00:18:28,172
And then something unexpected happened.
435
00:18:28,517 --> 00:18:30,391
All the people who lived
within driving distance
436
00:18:30,448 --> 00:18:32,243
wanted to get together
and remember him.
437
00:18:34,938 --> 00:18:36,452
So, a few days later,
438
00:18:36,545 --> 00:18:39,532
Walter helped me and Joy
throw another funeral for Josh.
439
00:18:42,055 --> 00:18:45,132
And this time, I didn't have
to try to give him a eulogy.
440
00:18:45,436 --> 00:18:47,213
People who knew him did it instead.
441
00:18:47,625 --> 00:18:49,541
Man, Josh could make me LOL.
442
00:18:50,188 --> 00:18:52,651
I'd always be ROTFLMAO.
443
00:18:53,356 --> 00:18:54,823
And he was there when you needed him.
444
00:18:54,976 --> 00:18:57,621
He'd never give you a BRB or an AFK.
445
00:19:01,835 --> 00:19:04,981
He always sent the best forwards.
446
00:19:05,356 --> 00:19:07,733
And when you sent him a chain letter,
447
00:19:08,147 --> 00:19:09,952
you knew he'd pass it on.
448
00:19:11,035 --> 00:19:11,801
Excuse me.
449
00:19:11,856 --> 00:19:13,341
Hello, this is technical support.
450
00:19:13,395 --> 00:19:15,790
How can I help you today?
My name is Mary Smith.
451
00:19:18,388 --> 00:19:20,531
He was the best damn war
gamer I ever played with.
452
00:19:21,135 --> 00:19:23,640
He was always a medic,
'cause he liked to heal people.
453
00:19:25,286 --> 00:19:26,830
If only he could've healed himself.
454
00:19:28,928 --> 00:19:31,282
In the end,
getting together to memorialize Josh
455
00:19:31,338 --> 00:19:33,302
made some pretty amazing things happen.
456
00:19:33,687 --> 00:19:36,003
Guys who used to play
online poker with him
457
00:19:36,095 --> 00:19:39,023
started getting together once a
month to actually play in person.
458
00:19:39,365 --> 00:19:40,360
For Big Dog.
459
00:19:43,155 --> 00:19:46,440
And since nobody wanted to rent
an apartment where a guy had died,
460
00:19:46,497 --> 00:19:48,692
Randy and Catalina
got Josh's old place
461
00:19:48,747 --> 00:19:50,212
for a price they could afford.
462
00:19:52,987 --> 00:19:54,671
The landlord even fixed the bed.
463
00:19:55,467 --> 00:19:56,770
But most important,
464
00:19:56,898 --> 00:19:59,841
Josh was remembered by someone
who never expected to care.
465
00:20:01,827 --> 00:20:05,152
If you haven't thought of a name for it,
I think I have one.
466
00:20:05,656 --> 00:20:06,861
Mr. Prickly.
467
00:20:07,445 --> 00:20:08,702
Naming a cactus?
468
00:20:08,757 --> 00:20:11,301
That's the stupidest damn thing
I've ever heard of in all my life.
469
00:20:13,085 --> 00:20:14,483
Says Mrs. Prickly.
470
00:20:14,535 --> 00:20:17,601
TEAM EARL:Cordesh, Reivilo, Rbuys, Dingo
http://experts.heberg-forum.net
471
00:20:17,657 --> 00:20:19,202
Transcript : Raceman
www.forom.com