Was there another shootout ?
No, some drunk guys tried to shoot down a hot air balloon.
They got it on fire, then it drifted out of sight.
What's with the tiny suit ?
Well, a few years back I used to think it was funny to get drunk
- and pull wigs off old ladies' heads. - They were always like, "Aah... !"
Anyway, I was at the beauty parlor making up for it
and one of the old ladies was so grateful,
she gave me her dead husband's best suit as a thank you.
I think it's too small.
Yeah, but she said he was my size before he started shrinking.
I figure in 40 years, it'll fit perfect.
You always get a good feeling from what you do...
or a suit.
I spent my morning sweeping up bullet casings
and a variety of fancy cheeses.
Fancy cheeses ?
People in the hot air balloon fought back.
I caught a cell phone and a shoe.
I feel bad for you, Catalina.
Tell you what.
You can do a list item with me.
You might get a good feeling...
or a dead man's suit.
Thank you, I'd love to.
Hello ?
No, she's not.
Last time I saw her, she was floating towards the freeway.
Wonder how you change the ringer on this thing.
Catalina was excited to help me with my list
'cause she was hoping doing something good
would make her feel good. I guess karma's contagious.
We were taking care of #75 : "used a mailbox as a trashcan".
- Ugh. - Oh.
Ew, it smells like that stab wound you wouldn't get looked at.
Couple years back, they moved the dumpster
across the road in the trailer park.
It was more convenient for the trash men,
but less convenient for me and Randy.
And because things that are easy become habit,
pretty soon we were using the mailbox for all our trash.
We knew it was wrong, but we were lazy.
I found some letters.
I think they've been stuck for a while.
Shamrock milkshake. That was a good day.
Oh, man, these letters never got delivered because of us.
We got to give them back to the people who sent them.
This kind of thing happens all the time on the list.
You're doing one thing, and bam, it's something else.
If you've been watching him do this as long as I have, you'd know that.
I'm kind of second in charge of the list.
Since Randy was the one drinking Shamerock flavor,
he agreed to take his letter back
while me and Catalina took care of chocolate.
It was never delivered ?
This is a love letter to a woman that I worked with.
And when she didn't respond to me, I was humiliated.
I quit my job so I wouldn't have to face her again.
Should we run ?
No, this happens sometimes with the list.
He'll be fine.
Damn it !
Oh !
You might want to take a couple steps back.
Hey, Joy, can you help me ?
Only thing that'll help your worthless-never-achieve-anything
in-your-waste-of-a-breath life
is if somebody drowned you in a river.
I'm just giving you a hard time, sweetie.
What you need ?
I'm trying to return this letter for Earl's list,
but the address has a Shamrock smudge.
I've been asking everyone in the trailer park
to help me figure out who wrote it.
Well, that's easy.
Earl says it's illegal to open other people's mail.
That's the good thing about having three strikes
you don't have to worry about the stupid laws anymore.
Wish I had three strikes.
You will someday.
What the... ?
Darnell !
You want to tell me why I have a witness protection program letter saying
that your real name is Harry Monroe ?!
Uh, I don't know.
That was a lie.
In fact, Darnell had an entire past
he'd never told Joy anything about.
As soon as you get out of this van, you'll become Darnell Tanner.
All the documents you need
birth certificate, driver's license, etc
are in this envelope.
Cool.
What do you mean "I don't know" ?
Okay. My real name is Harry Monroe.
And the witness protection program moved me
to Camden County because there was a mix-up in the paperwork.
Some tobacco company executive ended up in Compton.
He only lasted two days.
Wait a minute, is Mr. Turtle in the program, too ?
Is he even really a turtle
or is he a wizard disguised in a shell ?
It doesn't go that deep, Randy.
Look, Mr. Whatever Your Name Is,
I am not gonna live with a stranger.
For all I know, you could be the damn Son of Sam killer.
So either you tell me who you really are,
or you can find another place to live.
I'm sorry, baby, I can't.
After Will punched three more holes in his trailer,
he cried a little, then invited us in.
This is such a beautiful letter.
"I know we're friends, but sometimes it seems like something more."
"Give me a sign about how you feel."
"Love, your buddy."
I never knew where I stood with Wendy.
We'd talk on the phone for hours,
we'd go to the movies,
but whenever we'd say good-bye, she'd kiss me on my cheek.
What was the kiss like ? Show me.
No, not on me.
I can't see it if you do it on me.
Do it on Earl.
Yeah, it seems like she liked you.
I don't know, it was halfway between the ear and the lips.
It could go either way.
Yeah. See ?
That's what I'm talking about.
And then...
this CD she burned me.
"Feel Like Making Love." Nice.
"You're My Best Friend."
"Stroke Me." You're looking good again.
"That's What Friends Are For."
"You Got a Friend" and "Ooh, That Smell."
This girl is definitely hard to read.
But now that you got the letter, you could give it another try.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no...
I can't give her that letter now.
We used to work together as personal trainers.
No, when Wendy knew me,
I looked like that.
Oh, my God ! You used to be hot.
What happened to you ?
Uh, don't mind her.
Uh, she's new with helping people and, uh, her life sucks.
She came to this country in a box.
You look like this guy's skinny, ugly, homeless brother.
It was a small box built for a monkey.
Catalina wanted me to keep the letter while Will got in shape.
She was afraid he might deliver it without her
and she'd miss out on her good feeling.
Where have you been ?
Tracked down the letter dude.
Then I drove Catalina to Club Chubby for her shift.
Did you know they have a dancer in a wheelchair now ?
It's kind of different.
Like, for a lap dance, you sit on her lap.
And if you give her a good tip, she wheels you out to your car.
Hey, Earl.
Hey, Crab Man.
What's Crab Man doing here in his PJs ?
Oh, he's in the witness protection program
and Joy found out because of the letter I delivered.
And Darnell wouldn't tell Joy why he's in the program,
so Joy threw him out. And I told him he could live here.
Fair enough.
I'll ask for extra towels tomorrow.
Good night, Crab Man.
Good night, Earl.
- Is it the witness protectors ? - No, they're very polite.
They usually hit my pager before they come over.
What about the people they're witness-protecting you from ?
I'd imagine they'd knock and then start shooting when they see me.
All right, you'd better hide, then.
Will.
I'm having a bad night, Earl.
I heard Wendy's still single.
And I started to think what if she meets a guy
before I get back into shape, hmm ?
Oh, I'm sorry.
You're having a...
a private thing.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
That's just my brother.
We share a room.
They don't have rooms with two beds here ?
They do, but not with a pool view.
But, look, it's not weird, we're family.
Oh, right. Uh...
that's our friend Darnell. He's spending the night.
He's, uh...
under the covers 'cause, uh...
Look, buddy,
don't worry about Wendy.
It's not like she's gonna fall in love overnight.
Love takes time.
I disagree, Earl.
When I fall for someone,
it happens in an instant.
Your lover's right.
If she falls for someone, I could lose her forever.
What am I gonna do if I lose her forever ?
He could lose her forever, Earl.
- I heard him, Randy. - I can't lose her again.
He can't lose her again.
If I lose her forever,
you'll never be able to cross me off your list.
How you gonna cross me off your list if she finds another guy ?
I don't know.
The list !
I forgot about the list.
What are you gonna do, Earl ?
- I don't know. - You have to know.
What are we gonna do, Earl ?
Answer him, Earl.
I told you, I don't know.
Earl.
Why don't you just go down to the gym
and keep an eye on Wendy until Will's ready to talk to her ?
Oh.
Smart and handsome, I can see why you're with him.
So I took Darnell's advice and went to the gym
Wendy worked at to keep an eye on her.
I'd like to try that "two weeks free,
better ba-donka-donk bonanza membership" thing.
I even requested Wendy as my personal trainer.
I already knew my way around a gym,
but I figured it'd be an easy way to keep guys away from her.
Hey, are you Earl Hickey ?
Problem was,
I didn't know how I was gonna protect her from me.
Yeah, I'm Earl Hickey.
I got a problem.
This Wendy chick is pretty hot.
Not just any kind of hot.
The kind of hot that makes you walk upstairs
to nowhere long past the point
when you realize you should have worn something more supportive.
Wow, Earl, you're really kicking ass.
Yeah, well, I've been walking up stairs my whole life.
Sometimes two at a time.
And she wasn't just hot either, she was cool.
So AC/DC, huh ?
I met those dudes once.
- Seriously ? - Yeah.
My mom was one of the groupies
Bon Scott was doing around the time that he died.
- She brought me to Bon's funeral. - Get out of town.
Honest to God, I even got a picture with him.
It was open casket.
Guys,
I think I like Wendy.
No, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no.
No, that's Will's girl.
You can't do this to me, Earl.
You can't screw up my only chance to cross something off your list
and get a good feeling.
I need this in my life.
I scrub toilets all day and at night I dance for drunk losers
who flick nickels at my ass.
I'm going crazy.
I need to feel good about something
before I kill someone again.
What ?
You said you were gonna kill someone.
It's a figure of speech.
"I'm gonna kill someone."
Yeah, but you, uh...
you said "again."
You did. You said "kill someone again."
Okay, fine.
So long as we're looking under rocks,
why are you sharing a bed with the Crab Man ?
Hey, hey, hey, hey, don't drag me into this, girl.
Look, relax, I said I like her,
I didn't say I was gonna do anything about it.
Besides, it's not like she likes me back.
Fine.
But if you think she starts liking you, you better back off.
You're not messing this up for me, Earl, you understand ?
I understand.
Murderer.
What ?
What ? Oh, nothing.
How are things going with Joy ?
Not so good.
In fact, Joy was so mad that no matter what Darnell tried,
she wouldn't take him back until he told her the truth.
* Joy... *
I love you, baby.
I can't bear to be without you.
I'm sorry, baby I got it at a costume shop.
For some reason, it seemed like it was gonna be a good idea...
So I went back to keeping guys away from Wendy, but the more I did it,
the more I wondered if I was doing it to help Will or to help me.
Oh, my-my bad.
You should put some ice on that before it leaves a mark.
I knew it didn't matter if I was attracted to her,
as long as she didn't start becoming attracted to me.
And I thought I was in the clear,
until she made me a mix CD.
Listen to this.
"Feel Like Making Love."
"You're My Best Friend."
"Do Me."
"Don't Do Me Like That."
"I Want Your Sex."
"Don't Stand So Close to Me."
This girl's impossible to read.
Yeah. George Michael with Tom Petty ?
Are we partying or just hanging out ?
One time when her car was in the shop,
I gave her a ride home and she kissed me.
But it was exactly halfway between my cheek and my ear.
Things were getting hard to read.
But when Wendy came by to use the pool,
everything became a lot clearer.
Anytime a girl almost pulls her arms out of their sockets
instead of asking a guy to help with the lotion,
well, they're just friends.
- You want some help ? - No.
I got it.
Aw, crap, that's work.
Hey, can I use your phone ?
Sure, upstairs next to the room with the chalk outline.
I was a little hurt she didn't like me.
I knew it was probably for the best,
but it always hurts when someone doesn't like you
as much as you like them.
Still, it was a relief when I realized
I hadn't screwed everything up for Will.
I brought your shoes.
There's a turtle living here lately,
and he likes to go for toes.
Earl...
this letter.
You read it ?
Uh, listen, I-I can explain.
You weren't supposed to see that yet. See...
"Give me a sign about how you feel. Love, your buddy."
Well, how's this for a sign, buddy ?
That's when I realized,
she didn't know the letter was from Will.
Sorry.
Sorry to be so forward. I, um,
I once let a great guy I worked with slip away
because I was too scared to show him how I felt.
Did you, now ?
Wendy told me about making Will a mix CD
and how she was too scared to give him
the first one she made that was all love songs.
She talked about how stupid she felt for being too scared
to ever kiss Will on the lips.
* Tell him that you're never gonna leave him *
* Tell him that you're always gonna love him... *
The more Wendy talked,
the more I realized she had deep feelings for Will.
I was doing all the same stupid stuff with you.
I was even too scared to ask you to help me put lotion on my back.
So, this... this guy, this Will, you...
you loved him ?
Yeah, but he disappeared.
I don't know what happened to him.
I knew at that moment
I could make two people very happy...
and one of those people was gonna be me.
Well, his loss.
I knew I should've told the truth, but
well, sometimes that's hard to do,
especially when you have a teeny bit
of someone else's tongue in your mouth.
Oh, I guess they want to... clean your room.
Well, I got to get back to work anyway.
Hey, maybe later we can meet up at the Crab Shack
and finally have a real date.
And then maybe...
work our way back here.
That was Wendy, wasn't it ?
Oh, let me guess "In my village you don't kiss
the women of men you are trying to help."
This is America, love it or leave it, sister.
You're gonna hate yourself for this,
and then when you go to Hallmark to get a card to make up for it,
you're not gonna find one, because it is too specific !
When you go into the witness protection program,
do they let you pick your own name ?
'Cause if I ever witness anything,
I'm gonna name myself Crash Fistfight.
Damn. That's a good one.
Oh, no.
That woman's lost her mind.
What the hell were you thinking, flashing my face on that thing ?
If you have information about the missing person,
please call the number on the billboard.
Let me in for five minutes so we can talk ?
I don't want to teach my boys it's okay to let strangers in the house.
Joy, you have to take that thing down.
As soon as you tell me who you are, I will !
Dang it, baby, I can't.
When I was Harry Monroe,
I had to give up everything because of what I knew,
and I didn't care.
But if I tell you my secret now,
I could lose everything again, and this time I do care.
Because I love you.
I can't start my life over without you.
Don't you understand ?
I can't tell you the truth because I love you too much, stupid !
Joy !
I love you, too, stupid.
Promise you'll never kill me ?
Promise.
Hello ?
Yes, I know that's Darnell Turner.
No, there's no reward, Randy.
When I got to the Crab Shack, I knew I was doing wrong
'cause I had that tingly feeling in my gut
I used to get before breaking into a house.
Hey.
Hey ! I put in ten bucks of Skynyrd.
I hope that's okay.
I hope you didn't put it all on D-4,
'cause it says "Free Bird," but it's really "Let's Hear It For the Boy."
Will ?
Hi, Wendy.
I got a little puny.
All of this...
I didn't think I'd ever see you again.
What the hell happened ?
You just disappeared.
I'm sorry. I sent you a letter, but it never got there,
but I thought it did, so I thought you didn't like me,
but then I found out you didn't get the letter,
so I was getting back in shape so I could
come talk to you, and then this little Mexican lady
told me I had to come tell you how I felt
or I might lose you forever, I love you.
Oh, my God, Will...
why didn't you ever say so ?
I'm so happy.
Come on. We need to leave these two to talk.
I'll buy you a beer.
You messed with my list item.
No. You messed with your list item.
I just fixed it for you before you ruined it for everybody.
I also did something very bad to your toothbrush.
Don't ask. Just throw it out.
I can see why you do your list.
It is a very good feeling.
That's when I learned that sometimes with the list
other people get the good feeling,
and I just feel like I've been punched in the gut.
And although Catalina probably did the right thing,
well, it didn't mean I was happy with her.
It had been a long week for everybody, and
Darnell was happy that the billboard was down
- and Joy had taken him back. - We're glad you're back, Daddy.
It's good to be back.
But he still had a secret,
a secret he was just itching to tell.
Will you tell us a bedtime story ?
Yeah. I think I have a story I could tell you.
Once upon a time,
there was a man named Harry Monroe...
Transcript : Raceman
Synchro : Dingo
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