1
00:00:01,043 --> 00:00:03,446
Me and Randy love
watching old war movies.
2
00:00:03,572 --> 00:00:05,097
But, sometimes, they'll trick you.
3
00:00:05,223 --> 00:00:07,827
You think it will be cool
gunfights and explosions,
4
00:00:07,953 --> 00:00:10,389
but then you end up
just getting uncomfortable.
5
00:00:10,732 --> 00:00:12,934
Oh, my God, Johnny,
they shot you.
6
00:00:13,852 --> 00:00:14,560
Ricky...
7
00:00:14,870 --> 00:00:16,346
tell Mom I said good-bye.
8
00:00:16,472 --> 00:00:18,863
You can't die, Johnny,
you're my only brother.
9
00:00:19,026 --> 00:00:20,093
I'm sorry...
10
00:00:20,505 --> 00:00:23,520
I just want to tell you one thing
before I go, Ricky.
11
00:00:25,282 --> 00:00:26,256
I love you.
12
00:00:26,661 --> 00:00:29,653
See, Randy and I are as close
as two brothers can be.
13
00:00:29,860 --> 00:00:31,796
We've just never actually said
14
00:00:32,059 --> 00:00:33,103
"I love you."
15
00:00:33,418 --> 00:00:34,872
I know it's hard to hear...
16
00:00:35,005 --> 00:00:37,081
and Lord knows it's hard to say,
17
00:00:37,476 --> 00:00:40,603
but sometimes, brothers need to tell
each other those simple words.
18
00:00:41,786 --> 00:00:42,863
I love you.
19
00:00:43,105 --> 00:00:44,940
Oh, God, Johnny, why do brothers
wait till the end of their lives
20
00:00:45,067 --> 00:00:46,252
to say these things ?
21
00:00:46,806 --> 00:00:48,341
I love you too, Johnny.
22
00:01:00,368 --> 00:01:02,801
- I'm going to go drop a deuce.
- I'm gonna go squish bugs.
23
00:01:14,366 --> 00:01:17,233
You ever tell your brothers
or sisters that you love them ?
24
00:01:17,546 --> 00:01:19,850
There's one I would say it to,
two who would say it to me,
25
00:01:19,988 --> 00:01:21,142
but I would not say it back.
26
00:01:21,275 --> 00:01:24,913
One who would interpret it sexually
and three I cannot locate since the flood.
27
00:01:25,385 --> 00:01:26,333
Hi, um...
28
00:01:26,498 --> 00:01:28,032
I need to use your car
to go to Henderson.
29
00:01:28,157 --> 00:01:29,643
Subaru's got ants in it again.
30
00:01:29,765 --> 00:01:31,672
Oh, you just need to find
where the queen lives.
31
00:01:31,808 --> 00:01:33,602
Queen lives on a Blow Pop
under the driver's seat.
32
00:01:33,736 --> 00:01:35,702
Every time I reach for it,
all her soldiers attack me.
33
00:01:35,826 --> 00:01:36,681
It's just a Blow Pop.
34
00:01:36,806 --> 00:01:38,080
They'll be done with it in a few days.
35
00:01:38,207 --> 00:01:39,673
They got like a million tongues.
36
00:01:39,805 --> 00:01:40,533
Can't wait.
37
00:01:40,657 --> 00:01:42,420
Stupid deaf lawyer's
got me driving all over the state,
38
00:01:42,556 --> 00:01:45,000
getting people to drop the various
restraining orders they got against me.
39
00:01:45,138 --> 00:01:46,590
Says it will help me in court.
40
00:01:47,155 --> 00:01:50,193
Who's in Henderson, the girl in the
wheelchair that you pushed down the hill ?
41
00:01:50,326 --> 00:01:52,383
No, that little line cutter
lives in Nathanville.
42
00:01:52,547 --> 00:01:53,971
Remember that cranky bat
with a hearing aid
43
00:01:54,108 --> 00:01:55,640
that used to manage the trailer park ?
44
00:01:56,028 --> 00:01:57,721
Joy was speaking of Milly Banks.
45
00:01:57,855 --> 00:01:59,183
Citation.
46
00:01:59,645 --> 00:02:04,323
No LazyBoys on the lawn unless
they match the color of the mobile home.
47
00:02:04,446 --> 00:02:05,961
- $20 ?
- Yep.
48
00:02:06,086 --> 00:02:08,801
There goes your book money
for the decade.
49
00:02:09,986 --> 00:02:11,310
Citation.
50
00:02:11,677 --> 00:02:14,283
Christmas light reindeer
still on the lawn.
51
00:02:14,788 --> 00:02:15,672
It's April.
52
00:02:15,795 --> 00:02:16,743
What are you talking about ?
53
00:02:16,867 --> 00:02:18,192
That-That's an Easter pig.
54
00:02:18,318 --> 00:02:20,732
Don't blaspheme
the resurrection, jerk.
55
00:02:20,865 --> 00:02:25,061
- You got a citation for that, too ?
- Oh, you'll get your citation.
56
00:02:25,688 --> 00:02:26,720
In hell.
57
00:02:29,266 --> 00:02:30,292
Citation.
58
00:02:30,428 --> 00:02:33,092
No speakers in your window on weekdays.
59
00:02:33,215 --> 00:02:37,182
You can't even half hear out of the
stupid hearing aid in your ear, anyway.
60
00:02:37,318 --> 00:02:39,801
- I can feel the bass notes.
- I can feel the bass notes.
61
00:02:39,938 --> 00:02:42,002
- I got a bass note for you.
- You know what ?
62
00:02:42,127 --> 00:02:43,881
- This is America.
- I think you like the bass notes.
63
00:02:44,016 --> 00:02:47,370
- In America, we lay low...
- Here, check this bass note...
64
00:02:47,506 --> 00:02:49,970
You like that, don't you... ?
65
00:02:54,597 --> 00:02:55,450
I hate her, Earl !
66
00:02:55,587 --> 00:02:57,373
I hate her like
the Taliban hates freedom.
67
00:02:57,495 --> 00:02:59,192
And how are we supposed
to listen to heavy metal
68
00:02:59,318 --> 00:03:00,821
on a wimpy, little tape player ?
69
00:03:00,956 --> 00:03:03,303
- It's craziness.
- Today we can't have bass,
70
00:03:03,436 --> 00:03:06,353
tomorrow my illegal fireworks
won't even be legal.
71
00:03:07,155 --> 00:03:08,600
We got to fight back.
72
00:03:10,735 --> 00:03:13,122
The plan was to lure Milly away
from her preacher shows
73
00:03:13,255 --> 00:03:15,233
long enough to go steal stuff.
74
00:03:15,587 --> 00:03:18,702
But you had to be extra sneaky
about stealing from Milly.
75
00:03:18,827 --> 00:03:22,223
Back off my bird seed,
you tree rat.
76
00:03:22,357 --> 00:03:23,941
Milly was packing heat.
77
00:03:28,018 --> 00:03:29,392
You guys ready to do this ?
78
00:03:29,528 --> 00:03:31,552
Breaker One-Nine,
this here's the Rubber Duck.
79
00:03:31,686 --> 00:03:33,310
You gotta copy on me,
Pigpen ? Come on !
80
00:03:33,448 --> 00:03:34,831
Nice. Convoy.
81
00:03:34,965 --> 00:03:36,993
They should make more movies
out of country songs.
82
00:03:39,197 --> 00:03:42,481
* We got a great big convoy *
* rockin' through the night *
83
00:03:42,615 --> 00:03:44,863
* Yeah, we got a great big convoy *
84
00:03:44,997 --> 00:03:46,703
* Ain't she a beautiful sight ? *
85
00:03:46,927 --> 00:03:48,743
* Come on and join our convoy *
86
00:03:48,875 --> 00:03:50,183
* Ain't nothin' gonna get in our way *
87
00:03:50,317 --> 00:03:52,620
* We're gonna roll this truckin' convoy *
88
00:03:52,758 --> 00:03:54,790
* Across the U.S.A. *
89
00:03:54,928 --> 00:03:56,980
* Convoy *
90
00:03:58,898 --> 00:04:01,042
* Convoy. *
91
00:04:01,447 --> 00:04:03,731
Ten-four, Rubber Duck.
Pigpen's got his ears on.
92
00:04:03,888 --> 00:04:05,642
You have to push the button down.
93
00:04:06,488 --> 00:04:07,081
Can you hear me ?
94
00:04:07,205 --> 00:04:08,001
Hello ?
95
00:04:08,357 --> 00:04:10,243
Yes, I can hear you.
96
00:04:11,678 --> 00:04:12,753
Who is that ?
97
00:04:13,916 --> 00:04:16,310
Is her hearing aid picking up
my walkie-talkie ?
98
00:04:16,667 --> 00:04:17,502
Hello ?
99
00:04:19,647 --> 00:04:21,232
Is that you, Lord ?
100
00:04:22,477 --> 00:04:24,183
Oh, snap.
101
00:04:24,305 --> 00:04:26,283
Go on, talk to her.
Be God.
102
00:04:28,495 --> 00:04:30,673
Yes, it is I, God.
103
00:04:31,265 --> 00:04:37,473
I was in the neighborhoodth,
and I wanted to test thou's faith.
104
00:04:37,786 --> 00:04:39,200
I am yours.
105
00:04:39,328 --> 00:04:41,332
Test me as you will.
106
00:04:43,046 --> 00:04:45,912
Puteth thy left foot in.
107
00:04:50,116 --> 00:04:53,180
Puteth thy left foot out.
108
00:04:56,037 --> 00:04:58,883
Puteth thy left foot in...
109
00:05:00,205 --> 00:05:03,153
...and shaketh it all about.
110
00:05:05,368 --> 00:05:06,860
After the hokey-pokey,
111
00:05:06,995 --> 00:05:09,530
some toe touches
and badly failed cartwheel,
112
00:05:09,666 --> 00:05:12,062
we put our powers
to more practical use.
113
00:05:12,197 --> 00:05:17,550
Now ripeth up all thy Mobile Home
Owners Association citations.
114
00:05:19,565 --> 00:05:23,102
And baketh yummy dessert items
for thy neighbors.
115
00:05:23,307 --> 00:05:24,891
It was fun being God.
116
00:05:25,027 --> 00:05:28,123
But we found that great power
came with great responsibility,
117
00:05:28,245 --> 00:05:30,690
including making sure
the yummy desserts were yummy.
118
00:05:30,817 --> 00:05:34,723
Do not maketh carrot cake.
The Lord hates carrot cake.
119
00:05:34,855 --> 00:05:36,763
It is the devil's food,
120
00:05:36,998 --> 00:05:39,613
but that doesn't mean
don't make devil's food cake.
121
00:05:39,747 --> 00:05:41,232
I love that stuff.
122
00:05:43,597 --> 00:05:46,100
On the sixth day,
we went for the gold.
123
00:05:46,235 --> 00:05:49,522
That's right, your gold
and your silver.
124
00:05:49,998 --> 00:05:51,392
Anything potable.
125
00:05:51,588 --> 00:05:55,312
Give it to the blonde lady across
the way with the nice rear end.
126
00:05:56,837 --> 00:05:58,640
I'm a man.
I notice things.
127
00:05:59,748 --> 00:06:01,243
That was our last commandment.
128
00:06:01,366 --> 00:06:03,092
We had bled Milly dry.
129
00:06:04,586 --> 00:06:07,362
I don't know why he asked me
to give you this stuff.
130
00:06:07,495 --> 00:06:08,493
He's mysterious.
131
00:06:08,618 --> 00:06:10,921
He also makes hurricanes
and gave nipples to men.
132
00:06:11,056 --> 00:06:13,131
The important thing is you do
what he tells you to.
133
00:06:15,456 --> 00:06:16,830
Are you wearing earrings ?
134
00:06:18,887 --> 00:06:21,193
And from the seventh day on,
we rested.
135
00:06:21,316 --> 00:06:22,660
I'll get that signed for you.
136
00:06:22,796 --> 00:06:24,540
I should probably
go see Milly anyway.
137
00:06:24,668 --> 00:06:25,532
She's on my list.
138
00:06:25,655 --> 00:06:27,411
"Made a lady think I was God."
139
00:06:27,615 --> 00:06:28,573
Thanks, Earl.
140
00:06:29,677 --> 00:06:30,961
When I was a child,
there was a man
141
00:06:31,098 --> 00:06:33,642
who lived in a box by the dump
who told me he was God.
142
00:06:33,777 --> 00:06:36,940
How old were you when you realized
he was just a crazy old homeless guy ?
143
00:06:37,387 --> 00:06:39,290
Please don't talk
about God that way.
144
00:06:41,102 --> 00:06:42,306
Hey, Darnell,
145
00:06:42,421 --> 00:06:44,203
you ever tell
your sister you love her ?
146
00:06:44,330 --> 00:06:46,066
I said it once
when I thought she was dead,
147
00:06:46,199 --> 00:06:48,240
but she was just passed out
from low blood sugar.
148
00:06:48,376 --> 00:06:49,542
I'm still glad I said it.
149
00:06:49,665 --> 00:06:52,501
Now they have her on insulin,
who knows when I'll get another chance.
150
00:06:54,787 --> 00:06:57,511
We got up to Henderson late,
'cause Randy turned the directions
151
00:06:57,648 --> 00:07:00,882
into a paper airplane to see
if it would lift the car off the ground.
152
00:07:01,007 --> 00:07:03,633
It didn't.
And we lost the directions.
153
00:07:04,095 --> 00:07:06,913
I brought Milly replacements
for the things we stole.
154
00:07:07,047 --> 00:07:10,023
I was hoping she'd see
all that voice of God stuff as,
155
00:07:10,266 --> 00:07:11,990
well, a harmless prank.
156
00:07:12,125 --> 00:07:13,911
What is this place a convent ?
157
00:07:14,046 --> 00:07:16,861
* We got a great big convent
truckin' through... *
158
00:07:16,988 --> 00:07:19,052
Nuns.
Nuns. Nuns.
159
00:07:19,636 --> 00:07:20,900
Excuse me, uh,
160
00:07:21,037 --> 00:07:22,541
do you know a-a Milly Banks ?
161
00:07:22,665 --> 00:07:23,570
Sister Milly ?
162
00:07:23,706 --> 00:07:24,923
Yes, she's inside.
163
00:07:28,288 --> 00:07:29,512
Sister Milly ?
164
00:07:29,636 --> 00:07:32,050
I bet nuns are awesome
basketball players.
165
00:07:32,187 --> 00:07:34,030
Especially the ones who can fly.
166
00:07:35,167 --> 00:07:37,120
In addition to thinking nuns could fly
167
00:07:37,257 --> 00:07:38,991
Randy also thought they were pretty...
168
00:07:39,128 --> 00:07:42,520
but knew that that was wrong
and tried hard not to focus on it.
169
00:07:44,217 --> 00:07:45,533
Peace be with you.
170
00:07:47,468 --> 00:07:49,451
Uh, we were told, uh,
Milly Banks was here.
171
00:07:49,578 --> 00:07:52,962
- I-I guess she's a nun.
- Milly's not just a nun.
172
00:07:53,096 --> 00:07:55,412
No, no. She's special.
173
00:07:55,545 --> 00:07:57,360
She's His favorite.
174
00:07:57,725 --> 00:08:00,222
We're all brides of God,
Sister Kate.
175
00:08:00,347 --> 00:08:01,981
He loves all of us.
176
00:08:02,106 --> 00:08:04,782
But He only speaks to some of us.
177
00:08:05,547 --> 00:08:08,402
Sister Milly heard
the direct voice of God
178
00:08:08,525 --> 00:08:09,962
12 times.
179
00:08:10,095 --> 00:08:11,843
Three decades I've been here,
180
00:08:11,965 --> 00:08:15,381
all I ever got was a heat rash
shaped like Palestine.
181
00:08:18,628 --> 00:08:19,731
It was a reflective area
182
00:08:19,855 --> 00:08:21,741
and we weren't allowed
to talk to each other.
183
00:08:21,905 --> 00:08:23,791
So Randy couldn't tell me
when he got distracted
184
00:08:23,926 --> 00:08:26,430
by the most beautiful room
he'd ever seen.
185
00:08:29,626 --> 00:08:31,703
We later learned
those were prayer candles
186
00:08:31,827 --> 00:08:33,483
and not birthday wish candles.
187
00:08:33,606 --> 00:08:35,541
Luckily, before blowing them out,
188
00:08:35,667 --> 00:08:37,983
he wished for everyone's
prayers to come true.
189
00:08:40,538 --> 00:08:41,902
There she is.
190
00:08:42,095 --> 00:08:43,553
The Lord Whisperer.
191
00:08:43,687 --> 00:08:47,880
* Frère Jacques, Frère Jacques *
192
00:08:48,015 --> 00:08:51,243
* Dormez-vous, dormez-vous *
193
00:08:51,376 --> 00:08:53,550
* La-la, la-la Tina *
194
00:08:53,676 --> 00:08:56,212
* La-la, la-la Tina *
195
00:08:56,346 --> 00:08:58,402
* Ding dang dong *
196
00:08:58,525 --> 00:09:01,822
* Ding dang dong. *
197
00:09:01,947 --> 00:09:03,292
N-Nun Milly ?
198
00:09:04,406 --> 00:09:06,182
Oh, my goodness.
199
00:09:06,318 --> 00:09:08,332
I remember you !
200
00:09:08,927 --> 00:09:10,851
What a neat surprise !
201
00:09:11,435 --> 00:09:13,602
How is that cuddly brother of yours ?
202
00:09:13,725 --> 00:09:15,842
And that adorable bride ?
203
00:09:16,755 --> 00:09:17,813
I know.
204
00:09:18,235 --> 00:09:19,811
I'm nice now.
205
00:09:20,005 --> 00:09:21,273
Weird, huh ?
206
00:09:22,808 --> 00:09:25,411
I explained to Milly
about Joy's restraining order,
207
00:09:25,558 --> 00:09:27,122
and she was happy to help out.
208
00:09:30,677 --> 00:09:31,682
There you go.
209
00:09:32,467 --> 00:09:34,781
I was a real turd
in a hot tub back then,
210
00:09:34,917 --> 00:09:38,331
but now I throw
birthday parties for orphans.
211
00:09:38,466 --> 00:09:41,193
It's great, 'cause their parents
really haven't spoiled them.
212
00:09:41,436 --> 00:09:42,890
'Cause they don't have any.
213
00:09:43,258 --> 00:09:44,360
That's touching.
214
00:09:44,495 --> 00:09:46,533
I make all the cakes myself.
215
00:09:46,776 --> 00:09:49,112
That's how I met
little Celeste here.
216
00:09:49,407 --> 00:09:51,561
I used to live in a storm drain.
217
00:09:51,695 --> 00:09:53,513
Rain washed my doll heads away.
218
00:09:53,686 --> 00:09:54,873
That sounds horrible.
219
00:09:55,056 --> 00:09:57,172
I once lived in my car
for two months.
220
00:09:57,657 --> 00:10:00,982
Did you ever have to move 'cause a pack
of stray dogs kicked you out of your house ?
221
00:10:05,687 --> 00:10:07,753
Let's not make this a contest.
222
00:10:07,978 --> 00:10:09,983
Well, I'm glad I could help Joy.
223
00:10:10,257 --> 00:10:12,403
You could bring her some cake,
if you want to.
224
00:10:12,916 --> 00:10:15,232
Well, actually, uh,
225
00:10:15,426 --> 00:10:18,370
I'm not here just for Joy.
I-I'm here because,
226
00:10:18,677 --> 00:10:20,531
see, I got this list
of all the bad things
227
00:10:20,666 --> 00:10:25,273
I've done to people, and, you see,
that voice of God you were hearing ?
228
00:10:26,116 --> 00:10:27,183
That was...
229
00:10:29,006 --> 00:10:30,283
Well, that was me.
230
00:10:30,627 --> 00:10:32,223
Yeah, right.
231
00:10:32,475 --> 00:10:34,961
Did Sister Kate
put you up to this ?
232
00:10:35,098 --> 00:10:36,882
I mean, the fact that
the Lord talks to me
233
00:10:37,016 --> 00:10:39,353
really gets her habit in a wad.
234
00:10:43,787 --> 00:10:46,793
Waxeth thy neighbor's El Camino.
235
00:10:47,167 --> 00:10:49,633
Oh, my goodness.
236
00:10:50,427 --> 00:10:53,470
Showeth thy hind quarters
to the mailman.
237
00:10:53,596 --> 00:10:54,980
Yeah, I get it.
238
00:10:55,105 --> 00:10:56,910
I get it. It was you.
239
00:10:57,706 --> 00:10:58,703
Okay...
240
00:10:59,265 --> 00:11:00,742
that's good to know.
241
00:11:02,205 --> 00:11:04,082
It was a nice trick.
242
00:11:04,846 --> 00:11:07,541
I suppose I had it coming.
243
00:11:08,825 --> 00:11:12,161
Man, you really got me.
244
00:11:12,435 --> 00:11:15,063
You made me start
a whole new life...
245
00:11:15,506 --> 00:11:17,190
based on lies.
246
00:11:17,327 --> 00:11:20,661
Filthy, stinking, rotten lies.
247
00:11:21,986 --> 00:11:24,013
You threw out my birthday cake.
248
00:11:24,146 --> 00:11:27,310
Oh, like you've never eaten
out of a trash can before.
249
00:11:31,436 --> 00:11:33,772
Is there anyone on your list
who wants a daughter ?
250
00:11:34,465 --> 00:11:36,411
I don't know.
Hold on.
251
00:11:39,716 --> 00:11:40,851
Yeah, right here.
252
00:11:41,935 --> 00:11:43,552
Oh, wait, uh...
253
00:11:44,437 --> 00:11:45,723
he wants a son.
254
00:11:54,976 --> 00:11:56,000
Yeah.
255
00:12:01,058 --> 00:12:02,660
I thought telling Milly
the truth about
256
00:12:02,788 --> 00:12:05,382
pretending to be the voice
of God would be a good thing.
257
00:12:05,826 --> 00:12:07,850
But, instead of making things better
258
00:12:08,096 --> 00:12:10,050
well, it made things a lot worse.
259
00:12:10,185 --> 00:12:12,831
She left the convent and moved back
to the trailer park,
260
00:12:12,988 --> 00:12:14,792
and she was angrier than ever.
261
00:12:15,046 --> 00:12:17,152
She kicked up more trouble
than that tornado
262
00:12:17,276 --> 00:12:18,780
that took everyone's pets.
263
00:12:19,906 --> 00:12:21,921
She stopped watching
her preacher shows,
264
00:12:22,047 --> 00:12:24,682
washing her hair
or watering her plants.
265
00:12:32,387 --> 00:12:35,221
She didn't even enjoy
her daily grilled cheese anymore.
266
00:12:36,178 --> 00:12:38,002
And she seemed even angrier
at squirrels.
267
00:12:38,137 --> 00:12:40,590
Die... !
268
00:12:41,988 --> 00:12:42,881
It's wild.
269
00:12:43,008 --> 00:12:45,273
You doing right
actually did this lady wrong.
270
00:12:45,405 --> 00:12:46,723
That's what I was thinking.
271
00:12:46,847 --> 00:12:49,241
Only not worded clever like that.
272
00:12:49,366 --> 00:12:50,432
Way to go, dummy.
273
00:12:50,556 --> 00:12:52,812
Not only is Milly not canceling
my restraining order,
274
00:12:52,948 --> 00:12:54,331
but now she broke Darnell's heart.
275
00:12:54,467 --> 00:12:55,423
Tell him, Darnell.
276
00:12:55,607 --> 00:12:56,773
Yeah, she...
277
00:12:57,567 --> 00:13:00,003
she, um... she...
278
00:13:00,138 --> 00:13:01,702
She evicted Mr. Turtle.
279
00:13:02,115 --> 00:13:03,391
From his shell ?
280
00:13:05,537 --> 00:13:07,220
Well, that's where he lives.
281
00:13:07,675 --> 00:13:09,922
Milly was an equal
opportunity harasser.
282
00:13:10,058 --> 00:13:12,350
She picked on all races,
creeds and species.
283
00:13:12,477 --> 00:13:13,680
Hey, shrub head.
284
00:13:14,437 --> 00:13:15,773
That your turtle ?
285
00:13:16,838 --> 00:13:18,521
No one owns Mr. Turtle.
286
00:13:18,648 --> 00:13:19,983
But he is my friend.
287
00:13:20,116 --> 00:13:22,530
Well, your friend's gonna have
to be gone by tomorrow.
288
00:13:22,667 --> 00:13:25,133
There's no reptiles
allowed in the trailer park.
289
00:13:25,337 --> 00:13:27,140
Unless you want to make soup.
290
00:13:34,237 --> 00:13:35,523
Joy !
291
00:13:38,048 --> 00:13:41,210
Yeah, now I got to find
the little guy a foster home.
292
00:13:41,448 --> 00:13:43,702
Earl, Earl, Earl, Earl.
293
00:13:43,828 --> 00:13:44,883
Earl, Earl.
294
00:13:45,006 --> 00:13:48,611
- Yeah, we can be foster parents.
- Yes ! I love turtles.
295
00:13:48,738 --> 00:13:50,030
I love turtles, too.
296
00:13:50,155 --> 00:13:51,360
Especially you.
297
00:13:52,058 --> 00:13:55,091
God, why do men wait so long
to tell their turtles how they feel ?
298
00:13:55,476 --> 00:13:57,531
They need to say those simple words :
299
00:13:57,707 --> 00:13:58,843
"I love you."
300
00:14:03,237 --> 00:14:04,841
This sucks the big one, Earl.
301
00:14:05,115 --> 00:14:06,381
I know ; I'm sorry, guys.
302
00:14:06,515 --> 00:14:07,810
I feel awful about this.
303
00:14:07,946 --> 00:14:10,981
The list is supposed to help people,
not screw everything up
304
00:14:11,115 --> 00:14:13,103
and kick turtles out of their home.
305
00:14:13,245 --> 00:14:15,610
Don't worry, Darnell, you can come
over whenever you want,
306
00:14:15,746 --> 00:14:17,520
but give it a couple weeks
we don't want to make this
307
00:14:17,648 --> 00:14:20,013
more confusing for him
than it already is.
308
00:14:20,956 --> 00:14:22,691
You should make her go back.
309
00:14:24,677 --> 00:14:27,132
If everyone was happy
when that lady was a nun,
310
00:14:27,265 --> 00:14:28,630
you have to make her go back.
311
00:14:28,768 --> 00:14:30,261
Give her a sign or something,
312
00:14:30,386 --> 00:14:32,920
like a burning sheep
walking through the middle of town.
313
00:14:33,058 --> 00:14:34,960
That's what made
my brother be a priest.
314
00:14:35,156 --> 00:14:37,771
At the risk of agreeing
with the maid, she's got a point.
315
00:14:37,975 --> 00:14:39,240
I say we torch a sheep.
316
00:14:39,446 --> 00:14:40,993
We're not torching a sheep.
317
00:14:41,496 --> 00:14:43,762
But the whole sign thing
isn't a bad idea.
318
00:14:43,897 --> 00:14:45,272
We made her a nun the first time.
319
00:14:45,407 --> 00:14:46,861
Maybe we can do it again.
320
00:14:47,087 --> 00:14:49,601
We're going to have
so much fun together, Mr. Turtle.
321
00:14:49,738 --> 00:14:51,502
Can I call you by your first name ?
322
00:14:51,718 --> 00:14:53,123
He doesn't have one.
323
00:14:53,257 --> 00:14:54,590
Then I'll give you one :
324
00:14:54,898 --> 00:14:55,860
Randy.
325
00:14:56,608 --> 00:15:00,111
We needed to find a sign to put
Milly back on the righteous path.
326
00:15:00,246 --> 00:15:02,191
So we stole Bibles from the motel.
327
00:15:02,328 --> 00:15:03,131
I'm telling you,
328
00:15:03,255 --> 00:15:05,792
we drive her down to SeaWorld
and get a whale to swallow her.
329
00:15:05,917 --> 00:15:06,830
That would be a sign.
330
00:15:06,965 --> 00:15:09,160
Those are Shamu whales.
They'd chew her up first.
331
00:15:09,298 --> 00:15:09,912
Fine.
332
00:15:10,048 --> 00:15:11,302
What if we went down to SeaWorld
333
00:15:11,435 --> 00:15:13,133
and got the penguins
to do a Nativity scene ?
334
00:15:13,266 --> 00:15:15,083
Randy, we're not going to SeaWorld.
335
00:15:15,317 --> 00:15:17,340
I think we should go back
to my locust idea.
336
00:15:17,478 --> 00:15:19,202
I don't know, locusts are tricky.
337
00:15:19,336 --> 00:15:20,503
You can't reason with them.
338
00:15:21,466 --> 00:15:23,043
Got it !
Right here.
339
00:15:26,205 --> 00:15:28,683
We thought turning water
into wine might be cool.
340
00:15:28,965 --> 00:15:30,401
We hoped Milly
would be as impressed
341
00:15:30,538 --> 00:15:32,522
as the people in ancient Jesus' time.
342
00:15:34,996 --> 00:15:37,591
Unfortunately, a birdbath full
of wine in a trailer park
343
00:15:37,727 --> 00:15:39,393
will last about as long as...
344
00:15:40,705 --> 00:15:43,243
well, a birdbath full
of wine in a trailer park.
345
00:15:43,797 --> 00:15:45,863
We found this incredible
miracle in the Bible
346
00:15:45,986 --> 00:15:48,162
that Randy was really excited
about trying.
347
00:15:48,297 --> 00:15:52,000
Apparently, some guy named Balaam
had a talking ass,
348
00:15:52,125 --> 00:15:54,063
and Randy couldn't wait
to show Milly his.
349
00:15:54,196 --> 00:15:56,453
Earl, wait. Wait.
350
00:15:57,377 --> 00:15:58,891
I just read the whole thing.
351
00:15:59,018 --> 00:16:01,731
The ass was Balaam's donkey.
352
00:16:01,866 --> 00:16:03,430
It was a talking donkey.
353
00:16:04,096 --> 00:16:05,200
Randy, plan's off.
354
00:16:05,326 --> 00:16:05,922
Abort.
355
00:16:06,045 --> 00:16:08,963
I started to realize
miracles are really hard.
356
00:16:09,098 --> 00:16:13,151
I guess that's why they're usually
just done by God and TV magicians.
357
00:16:15,465 --> 00:16:17,412
Then, I had the answer.
358
00:16:19,618 --> 00:16:21,350
Don't make the beard too long.
359
00:16:21,908 --> 00:16:24,281
I know how to burn a Jesus face
in a grilled cheese, Earl.
360
00:16:24,418 --> 00:16:27,150
Suit yourself, he's just looking
a little ZZ Top is all.
361
00:16:27,285 --> 00:16:28,091
Fine.
362
00:16:30,387 --> 00:16:32,101
I think it looks like Abe Lincoln.
363
00:16:32,236 --> 00:16:34,173
If only we had
a Stephen Douglas grilled cheese,
364
00:16:34,296 --> 00:16:35,693
we could make them debate.
365
00:16:35,818 --> 00:16:37,801
Yeah. I don't know who that is,
366
00:16:37,936 --> 00:16:40,460
but I love the idea
of grilled cheese arguing.
367
00:16:41,666 --> 00:16:43,640
After three hours of frying cheese,
368
00:16:43,776 --> 00:16:45,741
we finally got our magic sandwich.
369
00:16:45,867 --> 00:16:47,793
Then we had to lure Milly
away from hers.
370
00:16:52,937 --> 00:16:54,830
Bass notes.
371
00:17:00,476 --> 00:17:02,191
I never saw a real miracle,
372
00:17:02,316 --> 00:17:05,302
but I did see those movies
where George Burns was God.
373
00:17:05,437 --> 00:17:08,261
I knew that our sandwich needed
a little extra something.
374
00:17:15,538 --> 00:17:16,631
Whoa ! What the...
375
00:17:16,766 --> 00:17:18,851
What are you doing in my house,
messing with my stuff ?
376
00:17:18,985 --> 00:17:20,293
No, no, look, look, Milly.
377
00:17:20,415 --> 00:17:22,441
I was outside
and I heard this angel sound
378
00:17:22,568 --> 00:17:23,850
You know : * Ooh... *
379
00:17:23,978 --> 00:17:27,593
and I was drawn to it
and behold Holy !
380
00:17:28,055 --> 00:17:32,033
No, Milly, look, hold on,
it's a miracle Lord sandwich.
381
00:17:33,117 --> 00:17:33,911
Ow !
382
00:17:34,626 --> 00:17:36,712
Man, that is not necessary.
383
00:17:36,847 --> 00:17:38,840
Hey, Earl,
think Milly's coming back.
384
00:17:40,055 --> 00:17:41,531
I'm too young.
385
00:17:42,007 --> 00:17:42,692
Oh.
386
00:17:47,367 --> 00:17:48,882
You saved me, Mr. Turtle.
387
00:17:49,007 --> 00:17:51,212
If it wasn't for you,
I would have been shot.
388
00:17:57,345 --> 00:17:58,713
Would you just stop it.
389
00:17:58,845 --> 00:18:01,310
Stop being such a miserable,
crazy bitch !
390
00:18:02,086 --> 00:18:04,951
I'm sorry for using the B-word,
ma'am, but that's what you are,
391
00:18:05,085 --> 00:18:06,312
except at the convent.
392
00:18:06,446 --> 00:18:09,522
There, you were sweet,
and made cakes for mopey kids.
393
00:18:09,657 --> 00:18:11,540
Because of a lie.
394
00:18:11,667 --> 00:18:13,611
So ?
Who cares how you got there ?
395
00:18:13,747 --> 00:18:14,341
You were nice.
396
00:18:14,415 --> 00:18:17,033
You weren't shooting people
in the earlobe and the forehead.
397
00:18:20,968 --> 00:18:22,983
Run and get help, Mr. Turtle.
398
00:18:25,336 --> 00:18:26,380
Faster.
399
00:18:27,767 --> 00:18:29,891
Look, all we were doing
was trying to make you
400
00:18:30,025 --> 00:18:33,473
a happy nun again by sneaking you
a sandwich with Jesus on it.
401
00:18:33,606 --> 00:18:34,462
That's crazy.
402
00:18:34,597 --> 00:18:35,983
You want to know what's crazy.
403
00:18:36,108 --> 00:18:37,871
People waiting for some big sign
to push them
404
00:18:37,996 --> 00:18:40,450
into doing something they ought
to be doing in the first place.
405
00:18:40,586 --> 00:18:41,371
It's like me,
406
00:18:41,508 --> 00:18:44,451
I'd still be a lowlife dirt bag
if I wasn't hit by a car.
407
00:18:44,586 --> 00:18:47,750
And you were a miserable B-word
until you heard the voice of God.
408
00:18:47,998 --> 00:18:49,170
What were we waiting for ?
409
00:18:49,305 --> 00:18:51,550
We could have been
better people all on our own.
410
00:18:52,468 --> 00:18:53,400
But whatever.
411
00:18:53,535 --> 00:18:55,631
If you want to wait
for a magic sign to go be happy,
412
00:18:55,765 --> 00:18:57,410
then good luck to you, lady.
413
00:18:57,538 --> 00:19:00,461
I'm walking out now to go help
my possibly-dying brother.
414
00:19:00,598 --> 00:19:03,030
You can shoot me in the back
of the head, if you want to.
415
00:19:04,028 --> 00:19:05,753
You're my sign.
416
00:19:06,185 --> 00:19:06,950
What ?
417
00:19:07,306 --> 00:19:09,830
You're my sign from above.
418
00:19:10,038 --> 00:19:13,883
I was a lot happier at that convent,
baking and stuff.
419
00:19:14,095 --> 00:19:16,941
You were sent
to put me back on my path.
420
00:19:17,225 --> 00:19:20,000
Wow. Weird.
421
00:19:20,675 --> 00:19:23,281
I guess angels don't have
to be beautiful.
422
00:19:25,216 --> 00:19:28,010
Well, my whole point was that
you shouldn't really need a sign, but...
423
00:19:28,145 --> 00:19:30,302
if me being a messenger from God
works for you,
424
00:19:30,427 --> 00:19:31,390
I'm cool with it.
425
00:19:34,535 --> 00:19:37,191
When you go to nun's school
do they give you any first aid training ?
426
00:19:37,315 --> 00:19:39,182
Like how to treat a head wound ?
427
00:19:42,816 --> 00:19:44,231
Apparently, they do.
428
00:19:50,968 --> 00:19:55,282
* When you see the Southern Cross*
* for the first time... *
429
00:19:55,415 --> 00:19:56,940
And like I always say,
430
00:19:57,075 --> 00:20:00,022
when you do good things,
good things happen.
431
00:20:00,577 --> 00:20:02,691
Like restraining orders
being lifted.
432
00:20:03,068 --> 00:20:06,153
* 'Cause the truth you might
be runnin' from... *
433
00:20:06,276 --> 00:20:08,020
And turtles coming home.
434
00:20:09,386 --> 00:20:11,132
I love you, Mr. Turtle.
435
00:20:12,288 --> 00:20:14,920
* The promise of a coming day *
436
00:20:15,657 --> 00:20:18,621
* So I'm sailin' for tomorrow *
437
00:20:18,757 --> 00:20:21,141
* My dreams are a-dyin'... *
438
00:20:23,355 --> 00:20:26,611
And orphan girls reunite
with their cake-baking friends.
439
00:20:27,925 --> 00:20:30,291
And scary-looking dolls
getting back their little heads.
440
00:20:30,428 --> 00:20:35,202
Transcript : Raceman
Synchro : Dingo
441
00:20:35,338 --> 00:20:37,101
And even though
Milly needed a sign to do
442
00:20:37,237 --> 00:20:38,903
what she knew in her heart
was right,
443
00:20:39,036 --> 00:20:41,030
I wasn't going to wait any longer
to do something
444
00:20:41,167 --> 00:20:43,053
I should have done
a long time ago.
445
00:20:45,287 --> 00:20:46,603
I love you, Randy.
446
00:20:46,887 --> 00:20:48,241
I love you, too, Earl.
447
00:20:52,087 --> 00:20:54,650
- I got to go take a leak.
- I'm going to go play with the radio.
448
00:20:54,778 --> 00:20:56,150
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