1
00:00:00,701 --> 00:00:02,019
Some things are so amazing,
2
00:00:02,145 --> 00:00:06,100
you have to capture them on film,
like UFOs or bigfoot.
3
00:00:06,284 --> 00:00:08,510
Or Joy doing volunteer work.
4
00:00:08,958 --> 00:00:10,435
Cherry... button.
5
00:00:10,561 --> 00:00:13,012
Joy had recently
gotten in trouble with the law,
6
00:00:13,138 --> 00:00:15,335
and her deaf lawyer
thought it might help sway a jury
7
00:00:15,461 --> 00:00:18,130
if she could prove that she was
a giving member of society.
8
00:00:18,256 --> 00:00:18,948
Hey, Earl,
9
00:00:19,074 --> 00:00:20,342
get this on film.
10
00:00:20,467 --> 00:00:22,930
I'm getting ready to hug one
of these old coots in a second.
11
00:00:23,392 --> 00:00:25,276
Hey, is that Earl Hickey ?
12
00:00:25,401 --> 00:00:27,973
I recognized that voice
as soon as I heard it.
13
00:00:28,090 --> 00:00:31,156
It was Tom Sparks,
#50 on my list :
14
00:00:31,287 --> 00:00:33,262
"Kick the lead singer
out of my band."
15
00:00:33,827 --> 00:00:36,573
Sometimes great things
just happen by accident,
16
00:00:36,708 --> 00:00:39,121
like the way peanut butter
and chocolate came together,
17
00:00:39,256 --> 00:00:42,380
or Mount Rushmore,
or how we started our band.
18
00:01:08,358 --> 00:01:09,552
Yeah !
19
00:01:09,687 --> 00:01:11,901
Yeah, buddy.
Hey, man.
20
00:01:12,037 --> 00:01:12,930
That was hot !
21
00:01:13,067 --> 00:01:13,893
We sounded good.
22
00:01:14,026 --> 00:01:15,893
Randy, where you learn
to drum like that, buddy ?
23
00:01:16,017 --> 00:01:17,521
- Right there, just then.
- No way.
24
00:01:17,658 --> 00:01:19,730
You know what ?
We should start a band.
25
00:01:19,867 --> 00:01:21,991
Van Halen
started with two brothers.
26
00:01:22,418 --> 00:01:23,952
We could be Van Hickey...
27
00:01:24,345 --> 00:01:25,100
and Ralph.
28
00:01:25,228 --> 00:01:27,011
Hey, you know, I bet if we played
with real instruments
29
00:01:27,135 --> 00:01:30,481
we could have sex with real girls.
Yeah ! Rock and roll, buddy !
30
00:01:31,166 --> 00:01:34,030
- Hey, you guys forming a band ?
- Damn straight, clown.
31
00:01:34,156 --> 00:01:35,600
You need a lead singer ?
32
00:01:37,446 --> 00:01:39,303
- Yeah, I guess we do.
- Hold on, Earl.
33
00:01:39,395 --> 00:01:41,233
How do we know this
clown can even sing ?
34
00:01:41,365 --> 00:01:42,942
* Hello, may I take your order ? *
35
00:01:43,077 --> 00:01:44,920
* Would you like to try
our new fish tacos ? *
36
00:01:45,045 --> 00:01:50,222
* You can add guacamole
for only 99 cents extra. *
37
00:01:51,145 --> 00:01:52,431
You're in, buddy.
38
00:01:52,587 --> 00:01:54,782
Yeah ! Whoo !
39
00:01:54,956 --> 00:01:56,873
Rock and roll, buddy !
40
00:01:57,006 --> 00:01:59,842
The lead singer's the most
important person in a band.
41
00:01:59,966 --> 00:02:03,992
The Stones have Jagger,
The Who have Daltrey and we had,
42
00:02:04,445 --> 00:02:07,501
well, this guy who looked older
than both of them put together.
43
00:02:07,638 --> 00:02:09,103
Hey, it's my band !
44
00:02:09,225 --> 00:02:11,392
Here, let me get my glasses,
get good look at ya.
45
00:02:14,907 --> 00:02:16,071
After a couple rehearsals,
46
00:02:16,208 --> 00:02:18,940
we booked a gig at the Crab Shack
for 20 bucks each,
47
00:02:19,187 --> 00:02:20,982
but we weren't doing it
for the money.
48
00:02:22,467 --> 00:02:23,423
Hey, ladies.
49
00:02:23,555 --> 00:02:24,572
We're rock stars.
50
00:02:24,697 --> 00:02:26,440
You can tell from
my rock star pants.
51
00:02:26,567 --> 00:02:27,662
See all the zippers ?
52
00:02:27,788 --> 00:02:29,440
Guess what's in that zipper.
53
00:02:30,778 --> 00:02:31,630
Licorice.
54
00:02:31,768 --> 00:02:33,993
Maybe I'll see
what's in the other zippers.
55
00:02:34,165 --> 00:02:35,340
More licorice.
56
00:02:36,878 --> 00:02:38,453
Hello, ladies.
57
00:02:38,718 --> 00:02:42,383
MTV, video games,
the Internet.
58
00:02:42,505 --> 00:02:44,510
I think your dad's having a stroke.
59
00:02:44,647 --> 00:02:48,071
I'm not his dad.
I'm the lead singer ; the top cat.
60
00:02:48,796 --> 00:02:49,522
Ew.
61
00:02:49,657 --> 00:02:52,113
If I wanted to get hit on
by an old guy, I'd move back home.
62
00:02:52,237 --> 00:02:53,692
Let's go.
63
00:02:56,666 --> 00:02:58,503
The fact that Tom
was scaring away the chicks
64
00:02:58,635 --> 00:03:00,371
was a bit unpopular with the guys.
65
00:03:00,495 --> 00:03:04,001
All in favor of kicking
the old guy out of the band ?
66
00:03:06,555 --> 00:03:07,760
All in favor
67
00:03:07,885 --> 00:03:11,780
of keeping the old guy who's
creeping out all the chicks, man ?
68
00:03:14,858 --> 00:03:16,293
Sorry, Tom, you're out.
69
00:03:16,436 --> 00:03:17,332
Oh, yeah ?
70
00:03:18,256 --> 00:03:19,662
Well, maybe
the three of you are out.
71
00:03:19,796 --> 00:03:20,830
Did you ever think about that ?
72
00:03:20,958 --> 00:03:23,453
Hey, man, whatever
makes you feel better about leaving
73
00:03:23,576 --> 00:03:25,343
as fast as possible, all right ?
74
00:03:25,475 --> 00:03:26,280
Fine.
75
00:03:26,777 --> 00:03:29,082
It was tough,
but Ralph was right.
76
00:03:29,205 --> 00:03:30,731
Tom was holding us back.
77
00:03:31,926 --> 00:03:33,541
Could one of you guys
give me a ride home ?
78
00:03:33,675 --> 00:03:35,331
I'm not allowed
to drive after sunset.
79
00:03:35,456 --> 00:03:37,403
- Oh, yeah, buddy. Come on.
- Thanks.
80
00:03:37,478 --> 00:03:41,491
That Friday night, Phish Tahko
gave its debut performance.
81
00:03:41,616 --> 00:03:43,002
We even gave out T-shirts
82
00:03:43,127 --> 00:03:45,891
to anybody who promised
to take them off after the show.
83
00:03:49,127 --> 00:03:51,353
So, in keeping
with true rock star fashion,
84
00:03:51,485 --> 00:03:52,980
after the show
we took the chicks back
85
00:03:53,118 --> 00:03:56,032
to Ralph's mom's house
and partied in our underwear.
86
00:04:02,525 --> 00:04:04,800
Ralph's mom even made us
Rice Krispie squares.
87
00:04:04,937 --> 00:04:06,552
Lookt that right there.
88
00:04:06,815 --> 00:04:08,860
After explaining my list to Tom,
89
00:04:08,998 --> 00:04:12,581
I apologized and offered him the 20 bucks
he would have made from the gig.
90
00:04:13,207 --> 00:04:16,072
I don't want your 20 bucks.
I want to be back in a band.
91
00:04:16,205 --> 00:04:18,473
Sorry to tell you, Tom,
but there is no band.
92
00:04:19,078 --> 00:04:21,552
We played one gig,
got drunk, got laid,
93
00:04:21,676 --> 00:04:23,762
sold our instruments
to get more beer.
94
00:04:24,137 --> 00:04:25,833
Well, at least
you had the one night.
95
00:04:25,956 --> 00:04:28,281
You got to experience
the thrill of the show,
96
00:04:28,417 --> 00:04:30,440
the party with the chicks.
97
00:04:30,708 --> 00:04:34,433
See, everybody in here's got, you know,
one great memory they can look back on.
98
00:04:34,565 --> 00:04:36,141
You know,
like how they climbed a mountain,
99
00:04:36,277 --> 00:04:37,591
how they fought in a war.
100
00:04:37,725 --> 00:04:41,233
I once tongue-kissed
a Jamaican woman.
101
00:04:41,367 --> 00:04:42,231
See ?
102
00:04:42,467 --> 00:04:43,871
Everybody's got something.
103
00:04:44,096 --> 00:04:44,862
What do I got ?
104
00:04:44,997 --> 00:04:45,822
Nothing.
105
00:04:45,958 --> 00:04:49,533
You took away my one shot
at being a rock star.
106
00:04:50,775 --> 00:04:51,910
You know what, Tom ?
107
00:04:52,275 --> 00:04:54,390
I don't think
I can make you a rock star, but
108
00:04:54,846 --> 00:04:56,950
I can sure give you
one hell of a memory.
109
00:04:57,827 --> 00:04:59,530
I think it's time to get
the band back together.
110
00:04:59,668 --> 00:05:01,651
After renting
some secondhand instruments
111
00:05:01,786 --> 00:05:05,183
and explaining my situation
to the guys, everybody agreed.
112
00:05:05,318 --> 00:05:08,483
It was time for Phish Tahko
to feed its fans once again.
113
00:05:08,737 --> 00:05:10,591
All right, guys, remember,
when one of us stops playing,
114
00:05:10,725 --> 00:05:13,192
we all stop playing 'cause
that means the song's over.
115
00:05:13,325 --> 00:05:16,431
When one of us starts playing,
that means the next song's starting.
116
00:05:17,136 --> 00:05:19,443
- There's still licorice in here.
- Hey, T,
117
00:05:19,575 --> 00:05:22,142
I'm sorry about voting you
out of the band before, buddy.
118
00:05:22,275 --> 00:05:22,870
That's cool.
119
00:05:22,877 --> 00:05:25,213
No, man, I was young
and immature and,
120
00:05:25,346 --> 00:05:27,291
you know, I didn't have
much of a father figure
121
00:05:27,418 --> 00:05:30,063
so I didn't know about,
you know, respect your elders
122
00:05:30,187 --> 00:05:33,182
and manners and
simple kindness even, buddy.
123
00:05:33,305 --> 00:05:35,453
- That's okay.
- Who's the old guy ?
124
00:05:35,806 --> 00:05:36,400
Yeah, that's it.
125
00:05:36,407 --> 00:05:37,521
We got to kick Tom
out of the band.
126
00:05:37,647 --> 00:05:38,580
All in favor ?
127
00:05:38,747 --> 00:05:40,243
You can't kick me out again.
128
00:05:40,375 --> 00:05:41,681
I'm on Earl's list.
129
00:05:41,818 --> 00:05:42,412
Here.
130
00:05:42,438 --> 00:05:45,510
Right between, um...
"I've been wasteful" and
131
00:05:45,636 --> 00:05:47,470
"Slept with Ralph's mom."
132
00:05:50,307 --> 00:05:54,110
"Number 51:
Slept with Ralph's mom."
133
00:05:55,178 --> 00:05:58,230
It was true.
I did sleep with Ralph's mom.
134
00:05:58,898 --> 00:06:01,003
But it wasn't entirely my fault.
135
00:06:03,757 --> 00:06:04,721
Hey, there.
136
00:06:04,847 --> 00:06:08,533
Which one of you wants to come check out
the glow stars on my bedroom ceiling ?
137
00:06:08,667 --> 00:06:10,642
- I do.
- Wasn't talking to you, Randy.
138
00:06:10,776 --> 00:06:12,932
I'm looking for somebody
a little bit more photogenic.
139
00:06:13,065 --> 00:06:14,852
- I'll go.
- Yeah.
140
00:06:15,076 --> 00:06:17,663
Hey, the two of you
can take the laundry room.
141
00:06:17,868 --> 00:06:19,272
Are there stars in there ?
142
00:06:19,485 --> 00:06:21,203
Only you, rock star.
143
00:06:22,836 --> 00:06:24,341
Whoo !
144
00:06:24,462 --> 00:06:26,906
After a show,
a rock star needs an outlet
145
00:06:27,021 --> 00:06:28,933
where he can let off
his extra energy.
146
00:06:29,340 --> 00:06:31,976
Unfortunately,
my outlet had a sweet tooth
147
00:06:32,106 --> 00:06:33,221
binged on Jell-O shots.
148
00:06:43,448 --> 00:06:44,750
And there she was.
149
00:06:44,886 --> 00:06:47,363
She wasn't young,
but she was conscious.
150
00:06:49,378 --> 00:06:52,313
And besides, she made us
Rice Krispie squares.
151
00:07:03,937 --> 00:07:06,402
Earl, did you sleep
with Ralph's mom ?
152
00:07:07,046 --> 00:07:09,913
Ralph, look, I'm sorry.
It was a mistake.
153
00:07:21,896 --> 00:07:24,963
That's why she always
sends you a Christmas card.
154
00:07:26,835 --> 00:07:28,043
If there's a top-ten list
155
00:07:28,168 --> 00:07:31,140
of topics a man never wants
to discuss with another man,
156
00:07:31,285 --> 00:07:34,323
I bet "Sorry I slept with your mom"
ranks number two.
157
00:07:34,557 --> 00:07:36,730
Right after
"Sorry I slept with your dad."
158
00:07:36,867 --> 00:07:40,653
Ralph, I'm really sorry
you had to find out that way.
159
00:07:40,885 --> 00:07:44,013
I've always wanted to tell you
even before I started my list.
160
00:07:44,586 --> 00:07:45,791
I feel awful.
161
00:07:45,948 --> 00:07:46,703
Me, too, Earl.
162
00:07:46,837 --> 00:07:49,812
You know, I've been racking my brain
trying to make this right between us,
163
00:07:49,945 --> 00:07:52,551
given that we're
lifelong friends and all.
164
00:07:52,676 --> 00:07:55,231
Seems like there's
only one fair solution.
165
00:07:55,376 --> 00:07:56,881
I'm going to have to kill you.
166
00:07:58,595 --> 00:08:00,372
- Kill me ?
- Don't take it personal.
167
00:08:00,497 --> 00:08:02,523
Believe me, nobody's
going to miss you more than me.
168
00:08:02,658 --> 00:08:04,540
Ralph, you're not
really going to kill me ?
169
00:08:07,217 --> 00:08:08,262
You're going to kill me.
170
00:08:08,606 --> 00:08:09,733
I don't really have a choice.
171
00:08:09,858 --> 00:08:11,710
You know, I mean, I thought about
cutting your junk off,
172
00:08:11,845 --> 00:08:13,822
but that just
don't feel right, buddy.
173
00:08:13,958 --> 00:08:15,670
No, no, no, it doesn't.
174
00:08:17,306 --> 00:08:19,290
Damn, I really painted
you into a corner, didn't I ?
175
00:08:19,417 --> 00:08:21,603
Oh, shoot, man,
I've been in corners before.
176
00:08:21,738 --> 00:08:24,533
Anyway, listen,
given that we're lifelong friends,
177
00:08:24,665 --> 00:08:26,460
I figured I'd give you
about 12 hours
178
00:08:26,586 --> 00:08:29,040
to get your affairs in order
and say your good-byes, all right ?
179
00:08:29,178 --> 00:08:31,591
Wait, no, no, Ralph
there's gotta be a way, man.
180
00:08:31,806 --> 00:08:33,632
Earl, I'd appreciate it
if you didn't touch me
181
00:08:33,766 --> 00:08:35,910
with the same hand
that defiled my mother.
182
00:08:37,605 --> 00:08:40,650
I'm sorry, Ralph, but there's got
to be another way, man.
183
00:08:40,867 --> 00:08:43,113
11 hours and 59 minutes.
184
00:08:45,866 --> 00:08:48,402
Since I knew I couldn't
get Ralph to change his mind,
185
00:08:48,536 --> 00:08:51,350
I went to talk to the one person
I knew he would listen to.
186
00:08:51,475 --> 00:08:54,090
Anyway, uh...
I was hoping you'd talk to Ralph
187
00:08:54,226 --> 00:08:56,710
and get him to,
you know, not kill me.
188
00:08:57,088 --> 00:08:58,560
Of course I will.
189
00:08:59,427 --> 00:09:01,211
And don't you worry, Earl.
190
00:09:01,346 --> 00:09:03,642
That boy will do anything I say.
191
00:09:04,616 --> 00:09:06,062
Well, thank you, Mrs. Mariana.
192
00:09:06,196 --> 00:09:07,081
I really appreciate it.
193
00:09:07,218 --> 00:09:11,312
The question is,
what are you gonna do for me ?
194
00:09:14,325 --> 00:09:16,041
Clean your rain gutters ?
195
00:09:16,615 --> 00:09:19,322
Ooh, I like the sound of that.
196
00:09:20,176 --> 00:09:23,763
Oh, Mrs. Mariano,
I'm sorry, I can't do this.
197
00:09:23,896 --> 00:09:26,062
You don't find me attractive,
is that it ?
198
00:09:26,196 --> 00:09:27,451
You don't have to look at me.
199
00:09:27,586 --> 00:09:30,402
I've got five porn channels
and four ESPNs.
200
00:09:30,526 --> 00:09:31,451
Wow.
201
00:09:31,826 --> 00:09:35,170
Well, if I were more of a porn
or a sports guy,
202
00:09:35,295 --> 00:09:38,981
that'd be a great offer, but
I can't do it to Ralph, I'm sorry.
203
00:09:39,118 --> 00:09:41,413
Well, what are you into ?
Do you like popcorn shrimp ?
204
00:09:41,546 --> 00:09:44,971
I can put a plate on the nightstand
where you can reach 'em.
205
00:09:46,328 --> 00:09:48,022
He's gonna kill you.
206
00:09:50,977 --> 00:09:53,122
Men don't like it when other men
sleep with their mothers.
207
00:09:53,256 --> 00:09:55,203
It is why my brother
killed my father.
208
00:09:55,397 --> 00:09:57,802
Do you have to leave town ?
Why don't we just kill Ralph ?
209
00:09:57,926 --> 00:10:00,022
- That'd keep him from killing you.
- That's no good.
210
00:10:00,145 --> 00:10:01,793
Then his spirit
will haunt your dreams.
211
00:10:01,926 --> 00:10:05,083
But if he kills you, you get
to haunt his dreams. So you win.
212
00:10:05,585 --> 00:10:07,260
Yeah, I don't know
if I want to win like that.
213
00:10:07,386 --> 00:10:10,414
I figured I better get out of town
until Ralph calmed down.
214
00:10:10,597 --> 00:10:12,603
And since that could take
till forever,
215
00:10:12,729 --> 00:10:16,433
I decided it'd be nice to stop by
my folks' house and tell them good-bye.
216
00:10:18,553 --> 00:10:19,829
Hey, good buddy.
217
00:10:19,955 --> 00:10:21,289
Ralph, what are you doing here ?
218
00:10:21,415 --> 00:10:24,961
Well, I figured another way out
of this mess without having to kill you.
219
00:10:25,257 --> 00:10:26,137
Really ?
220
00:10:26,263 --> 00:10:26,863
Yeah.
221
00:10:26,885 --> 00:10:28,402
I'm going to sleep with your mom.
222
00:10:29,192 --> 00:10:30,676
Yeah, buddy.
223
00:10:31,101 --> 00:10:32,743
Wait, wait. Wh-What are you
talking about, Ralph ?
224
00:10:32,870 --> 00:10:34,036
Hey, look who's here.
225
00:10:34,155 --> 00:10:35,190
Hey, Earl.
226
00:10:35,328 --> 00:10:37,560
Ralph came by here
looking for you
227
00:10:37,697 --> 00:10:40,020
and he accidentally spilled
some tomato juice on his pants.
228
00:10:40,157 --> 00:10:42,680
Yeah, I was all thumbs, buddy.
Completely spilled it.
229
00:10:42,807 --> 00:10:44,071
So I told him,
"Take those pants off."
230
00:10:44,208 --> 00:10:45,450
And off went the pants.
231
00:10:45,585 --> 00:10:46,510
Now they're in the dryer.
232
00:10:46,645 --> 00:10:48,793
Yeah, now I'm wearing
your daddy's robe.
233
00:10:48,977 --> 00:10:50,323
Wait, where is Dad ?
234
00:10:50,456 --> 00:10:53,523
Someone threw a brick
through the front window of the store
235
00:10:53,655 --> 00:10:55,261
and he went down there
to get the glass replaced.
236
00:10:55,398 --> 00:10:58,451
- World full of weirdos.
- Boy, ain't it the truth ?
237
00:10:58,587 --> 00:11:01,910
Seems like you can't
even leave the house anymore.
238
00:11:05,618 --> 00:11:07,723
Uh-oh, pants are done.
I'll be back.
239
00:11:07,858 --> 00:11:09,881
Yeah. Sweetheart.
240
00:11:10,006 --> 00:11:11,193
She's a sweetheart.
241
00:11:11,315 --> 00:11:12,613
Look, Ralph,
242
00:11:12,855 --> 00:11:14,881
I appreciate you trying
to find a way not to kill me,
243
00:11:15,017 --> 00:11:17,800
but there is no way my mom's
ever gonna sleep with you.
244
00:11:17,938 --> 00:11:19,042
Oh, you're good enough
to do my mama,
245
00:11:19,176 --> 00:11:20,682
but I ain't good enough
to sleep with yours ?
246
00:11:20,847 --> 00:11:22,591
No. Look,
you're good enough, but
247
00:11:22,725 --> 00:11:24,290
I just don't think
she's gonna go for it.
248
00:11:24,428 --> 00:11:26,193
We'll see about that, buddy.
249
00:11:36,145 --> 00:11:38,793
Earl, I got I better go
help your dad.
250
00:11:38,926 --> 00:11:40,301
There's plenty
of cookies for everybody,
251
00:11:40,436 --> 00:11:41,991
but don't spoil your dinner.
252
00:11:43,946 --> 00:11:46,721
Uh, yeah, just for the record,
your mom doesn't like the, uh,
253
00:11:46,855 --> 00:11:49,281
under-the-arms,
around-the-side double booby scoop.
254
00:11:49,595 --> 00:11:51,651
I-I don't know
what to say to that, Ralph.
255
00:11:51,896 --> 00:11:55,920
Yeah, well, it doesn't really matter,
'cause, uh, your time's up anyways.
256
00:11:56,045 --> 00:11:56,641
Wait a minute.
257
00:11:56,656 --> 00:11:57,631
Hold, hold...
What are you doing, Ralph ?
258
00:11:57,767 --> 00:11:59,570
- Let-Let's talk about this.
- My mama, Earl ;
259
00:11:59,696 --> 00:12:02,342
I lived in her for nine months
when I was just an itty-bitty baby.
260
00:12:02,478 --> 00:12:03,781
That was my first home.
261
00:12:03,918 --> 00:12:05,731
You broke into my home, man.
262
00:12:05,855 --> 00:12:08,113
I didn't break in ;
the door was wide open.
263
00:12:08,238 --> 00:12:11,721
Uh, uh, not wide open,
just wi-wide enough to get in.
264
00:12:11,847 --> 00:12:14,570
Well, tell it to Jesus.
You disgraced his favorite angel.
265
00:12:14,697 --> 00:12:16,463
She is an angel, a princess.
266
00:12:16,598 --> 00:12:17,721
The most perfect woman
in the whole world.
267
00:12:17,857 --> 00:12:19,203
I wish I could have married her.
268
00:12:20,618 --> 00:12:21,531
You do ?
269
00:12:24,986 --> 00:12:26,093
Of course.
270
00:12:27,056 --> 00:12:28,863
Keeps me up sometimes just...
271
00:12:29,555 --> 00:12:31,772
you know, thinking about
what I missed out on.
272
00:12:34,725 --> 00:12:36,080
Marry my mama.
273
00:12:37,165 --> 00:12:39,091
Yeah, well, I guess what
you did wouldn't be so bad
274
00:12:39,226 --> 00:12:41,930
if y'all ended up getting married.
Yeah, that'll work.
275
00:12:45,768 --> 00:12:48,080
And that's how I got married
to Ralph's mom.
276
00:12:53,435 --> 00:12:55,420
So, me and Ralph's mom
got married.
277
00:12:55,555 --> 00:12:57,681
I guess he wouldn't call it
a shotgun wedding.
278
00:12:57,806 --> 00:13:01,142
It was more like "a cocked handgun pressed
firmly against your temple" wedding.
279
00:13:01,277 --> 00:13:03,503
What a day.
What a day.
280
00:13:03,638 --> 00:13:06,600
Well, I'm gonna get out of this dress before
I spill something on it and can't return it.
281
00:13:06,728 --> 00:13:09,281
Besides, this tag
is digging in my armpit.
282
00:13:09,918 --> 00:13:12,430
Hey, Randy,
wait till you see our room, man.
283
00:13:12,556 --> 00:13:14,060
Mom let me get a strobe light.
284
00:13:14,195 --> 00:13:16,880
Just give me a few minutes
to put on "Mr. Roboto," man.
285
00:13:17,015 --> 00:13:19,641
I'm gonna blow your mind, buddy.
286
00:13:21,616 --> 00:13:24,101
- I'm glad you're not dead, Earl.
- I am, too, Randy.
287
00:13:24,235 --> 00:13:25,261
It's a good feeling.
288
00:13:25,746 --> 00:13:29,513
So, is there more to this plan, or
are we just going to live here forever ?
289
00:13:29,646 --> 00:13:30,461
Randy,
290
00:13:30,815 --> 00:13:34,102
you know you don't always have
to live where I live, don't you ?
291
00:13:34,957 --> 00:13:35,920
What do you mean ?
292
00:13:36,826 --> 00:13:37,791
Never mind.
293
00:13:38,218 --> 00:13:39,912
Yeah, we'll be here forever.
294
00:13:40,645 --> 00:13:42,790
Getting suddenly married
to your best friend's mom
295
00:13:42,926 --> 00:13:45,480
so he won't kill you
can have an unsettling effect,
296
00:13:45,645 --> 00:13:49,050
so it felt good to get back
to something normal : my list.
297
00:13:50,738 --> 00:13:52,731
Oh, man, I can't believe it.
298
00:13:52,858 --> 00:13:54,293
Phish Tahko lives.
299
00:13:54,476 --> 00:13:57,053
That's right, buddy,
the band is back together.
300
00:13:57,235 --> 00:13:58,761
We're playing the Crab Shack
Friday night.
301
00:13:58,896 --> 00:14:04,091
Red rover, red rover,
send Betty right over.
302
00:14:29,068 --> 00:14:31,590
Just like that,
I was a family man again.
303
00:14:31,736 --> 00:14:34,452
So far, this marriage
was better than my last one.
304
00:14:34,585 --> 00:14:38,381
My wife cooked, and at least one
of my kids was a blood relation to me.
305
00:14:46,767 --> 00:14:50,223
And compared to all the sirens and
the loud hooker fights at the motel,
306
00:14:50,348 --> 00:14:52,303
living here
was peaceful and homey.
307
00:14:52,568 --> 00:14:55,300
And we actually spent time
together like a real family.
308
00:15:02,715 --> 00:15:06,302
And I found it was easier putting
these boys to bed than my last two.
309
00:15:06,478 --> 00:15:10,042
Mainly because these boys drank
themselves to sleep before storytime.
310
00:15:11,258 --> 00:15:13,313
I know it might sound crazy, but
311
00:15:13,446 --> 00:15:15,270
as far as forced marriages go,
312
00:15:15,407 --> 00:15:17,291
this one was turning out pretty nice.
313
00:15:17,607 --> 00:15:20,971
I guess being married to Ralph's mom
was something I could get used to.
314
00:15:21,336 --> 00:15:23,933
Well, at least I could have
if not for one thing.
315
00:15:24,497 --> 00:15:28,663
I had a new older wife who expected me
to fulfill my husbandly duties.
316
00:15:28,805 --> 00:15:30,861
Sorry.
Uh, I just ate a big meal.
317
00:15:30,995 --> 00:15:34,441
My, my doctor says I-I have
to wait at least three hours before
318
00:15:34,577 --> 00:15:37,950
swimming or humping,
so don't wait up.
319
00:15:39,575 --> 00:15:42,330
And every night that week
after the boys went to bed,
320
00:15:42,468 --> 00:15:45,022
I came up with a new way
to avoid my husbandly duties.
321
00:15:45,145 --> 00:15:47,911
There's a bunch of birds unfairly
attacking a squirrel on the lawn.
322
00:15:48,045 --> 00:15:49,533
I got to get involved.
323
00:15:51,477 --> 00:15:52,500
Don't wait up.
324
00:15:54,138 --> 00:15:56,143
The string came out
of my sweatpants.
325
00:15:56,285 --> 00:15:58,132
It's gonna be an all-nighter.
The Chinese are on the march.
326
00:15:58,258 --> 00:15:59,861
I'm on hold with Mike from Bombay.
327
00:15:59,987 --> 00:16:01,250
He's trying to walk me
through the new toaster.
328
00:16:01,386 --> 00:16:03,002
Randy got out.
Got to go find him.
329
00:16:03,126 --> 00:16:05,751
I have to drive three counties
over to get some rubbers.
330
00:16:05,875 --> 00:16:06,871
I'm an odd size.
331
00:16:12,768 --> 00:16:14,412
What in the hell's wrong with you ?
332
00:16:14,535 --> 00:16:15,442
Nothing.
333
00:16:17,035 --> 00:16:19,521
I mean, I got a little bit
of a crick in my neck, but...
334
00:16:19,647 --> 00:16:22,802
Yeah, well, my mom told me you ain't
consummated your holy matrimony yet,
335
00:16:22,927 --> 00:16:24,891
so I'm gonna ask you again :
what the hell is wrong with you ?
336
00:16:25,018 --> 00:16:28,362
Ralph, look, making an honest woman
out of your mom was easy, but
337
00:16:28,487 --> 00:16:30,980
the consummating part may be
a hurdle I can't jump.
338
00:16:31,117 --> 00:16:33,421
So, what are you saying ?
My mom's not foxy ?
339
00:16:33,555 --> 00:16:35,343
No, you're mom's foxy...
340
00:16:35,978 --> 00:16:37,562
but you have to admit,
she's also...
341
00:16:37,697 --> 00:16:40,182
An angel ?
A female angel ?
342
00:16:40,946 --> 00:16:42,262
With female needs.
343
00:16:42,975 --> 00:16:46,570
Now, look, I know this is gonna sound
crazy given where we started and all,
344
00:16:46,928 --> 00:16:48,793
but if you don't sleep with my mom,
345
00:16:49,766 --> 00:16:51,731
I think I'm gonna have to kill you.
346
00:16:56,028 --> 00:16:58,170
Fine, I'll do it tonight
after the show,
347
00:16:58,327 --> 00:17:01,402
but once I consummate your mom,
I'm officially your stepdad
348
00:17:01,535 --> 00:17:03,982
and I won't stand
for any more threats on my life.
349
00:17:04,485 --> 00:17:05,281
Done.
350
00:17:05,996 --> 00:17:07,541
So, that was it.
351
00:17:07,665 --> 00:17:10,222
And unlike the last time
Phish Tahko played,
352
00:17:10,357 --> 00:17:12,382
I wasn't thinking about
how nice it was going to be
353
00:17:12,507 --> 00:17:14,591
to have sex with the girl
in the front row.
354
00:17:18,435 --> 00:17:19,191
All right.
355
00:17:19,322 --> 00:17:22,096
Let's get ready to tear
the roof off this mother.
356
00:17:22,561 --> 00:17:23,533
Not really, though.
357
00:17:23,660 --> 00:17:25,266
Please, stay off the roof.
358
00:17:25,638 --> 00:17:27,640
Phish Tahko !
359
00:17:49,126 --> 00:17:51,131
Tom, the way you sang
tonight, buddy,
360
00:17:51,255 --> 00:17:53,133
I'm definitely
coming to your funeral.
361
00:17:53,256 --> 00:17:54,912
We put on a great show,
362
00:17:55,096 --> 00:17:57,763
but I wasn't looking forward
to my next performance.
363
00:17:58,235 --> 00:17:59,201
Excuse me.
364
00:17:59,336 --> 00:18:01,832
Since being drunk helped me
through this the first time,
365
00:18:01,966 --> 00:18:04,192
I decided I'd better be
twice as drunk this time.
366
00:18:04,317 --> 00:18:05,982
Crab Man, shot of whiskey.
367
00:18:08,995 --> 00:18:13,083
* I'm drowning in a whiskey river *
368
00:18:15,187 --> 00:18:17,980
* Bathing my memory's mind... *
369
00:18:18,117 --> 00:18:19,502
Crab Man, another shot.
370
00:18:22,978 --> 00:18:28,652
* Feeling the amber current
flowing from my mind *
371
00:18:28,986 --> 00:18:30,780
Crab Man, three more shots.
372
00:18:31,085 --> 00:18:33,143
You know what ?
Just, just leave the bottle.
373
00:18:36,305 --> 00:18:42,160
* Whiskey river, take my mind *
374
00:18:42,297 --> 00:18:46,421
* Don't let her memory torture me *
375
00:18:55,728 --> 00:18:56,521
Earl.
376
00:18:57,958 --> 00:18:58,653
Earl.
377
00:18:58,867 --> 00:19:00,041
Did I do it ?
378
00:19:01,105 --> 00:19:02,311
Is it over ?
379
00:19:02,637 --> 00:19:04,451
Did I consummate my marriage ?
380
00:19:04,585 --> 00:19:07,353
No, but you did try
to consummate that barstool.
381
00:19:07,486 --> 00:19:09,122
I just left you two alone.
382
00:19:11,015 --> 00:19:12,011
See you, Earl.
383
00:19:12,137 --> 00:19:13,532
See you, Earl.
384
00:19:15,818 --> 00:19:19,523
The worst part of the two-mile walk home
was that it sobered me up a little.
385
00:19:21,595 --> 00:19:24,520
But I was still determined
to make love to my new wife.
386
00:19:24,805 --> 00:19:26,022
The thing was...
387
00:19:28,335 --> 00:19:29,831
...Tom had beat me to it.
388
00:19:30,617 --> 00:19:32,393
The funny thing
about being in a band is
389
00:19:32,517 --> 00:19:35,453
no matter how young and
good-looking the bass player is,
390
00:19:35,575 --> 00:19:37,833
chicks always dig the lead singer.
391
00:19:41,997 --> 00:19:45,263
So, while I was working hard
to lose my grip on reality,
392
00:19:46,747 --> 00:19:49,073
Tom was getting
a pretty good grip on Lorraine.
393
00:19:51,157 --> 00:19:53,892
It was clear that me and Ralph's mom
didn't belong together.
394
00:19:54,596 --> 00:19:57,962
So after the annulment, her and Tom
continued seeing each other.
395
00:19:58,727 --> 00:20:00,240
And Ralph was no longer mad at me
396
00:20:00,378 --> 00:20:02,743
since I'd made an honest woman
out of his mom.
397
00:20:03,048 --> 00:20:05,341
And Tom was more
than just her new boyfriend ;
398
00:20:05,476 --> 00:20:07,961
he was the father figure
that Ralph never had.
399
00:20:10,177 --> 00:20:12,162
And that made everybody happy.
400
00:20:20,747 --> 00:20:24,040
* Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto *
401
00:20:24,177 --> 00:20:27,401
* Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto *
402
00:20:27,528 --> 00:20:30,783
* Mata au hima de *
403
00:20:30,918 --> 00:20:34,012
* Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto *
404
00:20:34,145 --> 00:20:37,393
* Himitsu o shiri tai... *
405
00:20:42,037 --> 00:20:44,403
* You're wondering who I am *
406
00:20:44,528 --> 00:20:46,970
* Secret, secret, I've got a secret *
407
00:20:47,098 --> 00:20:50,062
* My true identity *
408
00:20:50,425 --> 00:20:52,113
* I'm Kilroy ! *
409
00:20:52,245 --> 00:20:55,002
Transcript : Raceman
Subtitles : Dingo
410
00:20:55,025 --> 00:20:56,991
www.forom.com
http://experts.heberg-forum.net