You know how those Amish people all chip in when it's time to build a barn ?
Well, that's what we do at the motel with waxing Wilma's mustache.
Thanks for doing this, guys.
My husband says it's like French-kissing his brother Fred.
No problem, Wilma.
Maybe, someday, I'll need unwanted hair ripped off my body,
and you'll be the one to hold me down.
Disturbing as it was,
staring at Wilma's ripped-off mustache
helped me decide what to do next on my list.
Number 91 : Made fun of Maggie Lester.
Class, I would like you to meet our new student, Maggie Lester.
She's from Arizona, and her parents are divorced.
Let's make her feel welcome.
Unfortunately for Maggie,
Tom Selleck was the biggest star on TV and
I was the biggest jerk in my class.
Wow ! Look at the mustache on this girl.
Hey, look, everybody. It's Maggie, P.I.
She remained Maggie, P.I., until she left Williamsburg Junior High
a couple of months later to be home-schooled.
I never saw her again.
There's a lot of Lesters here, but I don't see any Maggies.
There's a Maggie.
That's a Maggie Larsen, Randy.
Oh. Both names have to be on the same line.
I feel bad for this Maggie Lester.
Children can be very cruel.
In my village, they used to laugh and call me Chupa Chups.
That sounds cute.
It was not cute.
It means Lollipop.
I had a big head and a little body.
I was always tipping over.
Got it.
Here's a Maggie Lester living somewhere called Shady Grove.
While I was tracking down my old classmate Maggie,
Joy was dealing with a situation from her more recent past.
Baby, I love that spray-on stocking stuff.
It makes your legs look hot, and it makes me a little high.
And that's exactly how I want the public defender to feel when I meet him today.
I want him to think if he gets me off,
I'll return the favor.
Damn it, I got Latina !
Recently, Joy had run into some trouble with the law.
She was arrested for grand theft auto and kidnapping.
If convicted, it would be her third strike.
All right, now tell me if you can see my thong when I bend over.
What thong ?
Perfect. Let's go.
And here.
Put these socks down your pants just in case he's gay.
Randy and I found Maggie's house,
and it turned out Shady Grove wasn't too far from Camden County.
This neighborhood is nice.
I hope Maggie remembers me.
I'm never going to find anyone to love me.
What ?
Oh, nothing.
I was just thinking of something else.
Maybe this is the wrong place.
Coming !
No. This is the right place.
Remember me ? Earl Hickey.
And my brother Randy ?
Earl Hickey from Junior High ?
Wow ! I didn't recognize you.
You look different with that mustache.
And you...
Look at you.
Maggie invited us in for cookies, and I explained all about my list.
So how can I make it up to you ?
We could wax your face.
Or your car...
we'll wax... whichever.
'Cause it's not like your beard isn't, uh...
beautiful... and feminine.
It's okay, Earl. I used to wax.
And shave, and pluck.
And I even wore a ski mask for a while, but it
made it impossible to go to the bank.
Then I realized this is just who I am.
It's my life. It's my job.
Your job ?
Turned out Maggie was in the carnival business.
And, as we got to know more about her,
we found that she was very sweet,
a great hostess, and had a lot of talents.
You got a real pretty house.
No plastic.
The wood is actually made of wood.
That was originally the kitchen door,
but I removed it and turned it into a table when I did my remodel.
A door for a table. Wow.
You can touch it if you want to, Randy.
It's so soft.
I love fixing up houses.
Not to mention it really increases their value.
Sounds smart.
I mean, anything you can do to incr... Randy.
But I'm not done yet.
Yes, you are.
Well, I'm glad to know that you're doing so good, Maggie.
But you still got to let me make this up to you.
Oh, we were kids.
You know what the worst part was ?
You never got to know me as a person.
And today you did that.
So you can cross me off your list, Earl.
Thanks, Maggie.
Maggie was right.
Not getting to know her was my mistake.
A mistake I was glad to fix.
Well, she sure was nice.
I bet we would have been friends when we were kids if I wasn't so...
Check it out.
He's off to see the wizard.
Look at that tall guy, Earl.
He looks just like your Stretch Armstrong doll right before I pulled him in half.
Oh, man ! Look at her.
Oh, my God. You know what this place must be ?
A cartoon ?
No. I think it's where all the carnival people live when they aren't working.
It's a freak town.
Except for that kid. He's normal.
Look at his hands, Earl !
They're like a lobster's.
But without the rubber bands to stop him from biting us with his hands.
This place is freaky, Randy.
Let's get out of here.
Wait a second.
I'm doing it again, Randy.
I'm making fun of people 'cause they look a little different,
just like I did with Maggie.
Look, karma brought us here for a reason.
I mean, what good is it to cross Maggie off the list
if I'm going to keep doing the same thing to other people ?
You know what, Randy ?
I'm going to get to know every person in this neighborhood
for who they are on the inside.
If you make friends with anybody, make friends with the tall guy.
I know where there's a Frisbee stuck in a tree.
When I went back and told Maggie I wanted to get to know her neighbors,
she thought it was a great idea and invited everybody over for a barbecue.
One by one, we got to know them,
and we learned all kinds of things,
like the fact that William was a hell of a cook.
This burger is delicious.
Thank you. It's Black Angus.
I don't think I can eat it now that I know the cow's name.
Kevin might have had a horn on his head, but
he didn't have a chip on his shoulder.
That's pretty cool.
Can you take your head on a plane ?
Not since 9/11.
We're all making sacrifices.
Kevin also worked magic on cars.
He had restored more than 20 all on his own.
And Paul knew everything about the stock market.
He didn't look down on us for not understanding,
he only looked down on us 'cause he was so tall.
I'm confused.
You own $20,000 worth of Krispy Kremes,
but you still have to pay for doughnuts ?
I don't get doughnuts. I get dividends.
Mmm ! Dividends.
Are they, like those little powdered munchkins ?
No offense, William.
No worries.
Jean gave the most amazing neck rubs.
Who's next ?
Kevin ?
You can go. I don't have a neck.
Well, son of a bitch.
I didn't even notice that.
Guess I was too busy looking at the horn.
Yeah, the horn kind of steals the show.
And Tommy taught me how to ride a skateboard
without falling off and scraping my knees.
As we got to meet Maggie's neighbors,
Joy got to finally meet her lawyer.
Wow ! Look at you !
Glad you're the one that's going to be handling my briefs.
Don't get insecure, baby. It's all an act.
Oh, no, no. I'm not your attorney.
I'll go get her.
Her !
Darnell, there is no way in hell. I want a woman to represent me.
Nobody pays attention to a woman unless she's on their lap
with two minutes left in the damn song.
That's not true.
There are a lot of smart women out there.
Diane Sawyer.
And that Chinese chick at the deli. She always gets our order right.
And she totally guessed who would win at the Kentucky Derby.
I'm Ruby Whitlow, and this is my interpreter Doug. Hi.
Sorry I'm late.
It's very nice to meet you.
Can you please tell her that I'm gonna need another lawyer ?
It's nothing personal. It's just I don't want to be represented
by somebody whose ears are only good for holding up glasses.
Don't tell her that last part though.
She can read lips.
Oh.
It's nothing against the deaf.
The way my kids act up most days,
I wish I couldn't hear.
No, but seriously, not to be rude, I will let you bag my groceries,
I will let you greet me at Wal-Mart,
I will even buy pencils from you at the bus station
for an unreasonable price.
But this is my third strike, and I really just don't feel comfortable
putting my life in your deaf hands.
You understand that, right ?
She says she's the lawyer the court appointed you and,
if you don't like it, you can represent yourself,
you ignorant white trash whore.
Well, those are tough words coming from a woman who can't even say 'em !
Come on, Darnell.
Not surprisingly, carnival folk know how to have a good time,
so we stayed for hours.
Ringer ! Score one for the freaks !
Nice.
We're going again, right after I get another beer.
Man, that little freak can ringtoss.
Randy, don't call him a freak.
But he called himself that.
Yeah, but that's like black guys calling each other...
you know.
Brother-man ?
Look, just don't call these guys freaks.
Who wants to go to Shady Pond and skip some rocks ?
I do !
I'll drive us.
I'm in, but somebody's got to throw my rocks for me.
Earl, you need to turn the car around.
This isn't the way to Shady Pond.
I'm taking us to ice cream first.
My treat.
I know the best place, just a couple towns over.
No, no, no, no, no, no....
What's going on ? Why did everybody run ?
Shady Grove's our safe place.
If we leave here, people gawk at us.
It's like we're a traveling freak show.
But you are a traveling freak show.
Look, we know we're different.
That's why we joined the carnival.
People coming into a tent
and staring at us is the only way we can make a living.
But when we're not working, we don't want to be freaks.
We don't want to be in a show.
That's why we all live in Shady Grove.
'Cause it's the only place we feel normal.
But it was just a trip for ice cream.
Soft serve.
It comes out of the machine in a star shape,
kind of like one of them Play-Doh machines.
Except you can't play with it, 'cause it'll melt in your hands too fast.
We're still gonna go, right ?
I don't expect you guys to understand.
You don't know what it's like to have strangers pointing and laughing at you
because of the way that you look.
You can't understand a freak until you've been treated like a freak.
Something about what Maggie said made the wierdest thing happen.
My brain reminded me of something I haven't thought of in years.
Hey, Hickey, come on, take off that shirt.
Pool rules.
If I want to see a Hickey in a wet T-shirt, I'll call your mother, all right ?
Coach Lou, we talked about this.
My problem ?
Take off the shirt or come back down the ladder.
Let's go. Come on, buddy.
All the kids called me Rasta Nipples.
Are they still that hairy ?
Yeah, but the rest of my chest has kind of caught up with them.
Looks like the floor of a barber shop.
I still don't like taking my shirt off in public.
So you never jumped off the high dive like you wanted to ?
Nope.
Did you ever confront the people who hurt your feelings ?
No, but that's...
So what did you do ?
You ran away and hid.
I thought they were calling you Pasta Nipples.
I was wondering how they knew what your nipples tasted like.
Without a public defender,
the only other lawyer Joy can afford was herself.
How's it going, lawyer lady ?
Cruddy.
I need the damn Dummies Guide to the Dummies Guide.
I swear it seems like half this legal stuff is written in Latin.
Can't even understand the dang cartoons.
Well, this cartoon is easy.
Obviously, the camel is suing for intentional tort because
the turtle had prior knowledge
that the rock would slip and it would cause physical injury,
as well as deny him his liberty to cross the stream.
Therefore, it leaving the turtle liable.
Wrong !
It's a llama not a camel, stupid.
I can't believe this.
I'm gonna have to go kiss that deaf lady's ass.
That's definitely a dromedary camel.
I was having a hard time dealing with what Maggie had said.
So the next morning I went to do something about it.
You're a jackass.
Excuse me ?
Earl Hickey.
Very hairy nipples.
Look at that. Hickey.
How are you, Hickey ?
You know I could've jumped off that high dive with my shirt on.
But you made me stand up there like a freak while everybody laughed.
It was mean.
Because of you, I never got to experience the thrill
of flying through the air into a pool of water on a hot summer day.
Ow ! Ow ! Ow ! Ow !
What, do you think I'm some kind of meathead gym teacher
who gets his kicks picking on weak little kids ?
I was under that impression, yes.
Yeah ? Did it ever occur to you
that maybe I was making you take your shirt off for your own good ?
I... please let my ear go.
Of course the kids were going to laugh at you, Hickey.
You have hairy nipples.
But so what ?
Listen, never let other people keep you from living your life, Hickey.
And never poke a gym teacher in his chest in front of his class.
Huh ?
I see you peeing in there, Inchworm.
Pinch it off.
Coach Lou was right to almost pull off my ear.
I shouldn't have poked him.
And he was right about my nipples, too.
Laying there, I decided what I needed to do next.
So I realized I let being called a freak ruin something fun for me.
And I decided I'm not going to let that happen again.
So, first thing tomorrow morning,
I'm going to go back down to that swimming pool
and I'm gonna jump off that high dive shirtless and hairy.
And I want you to all come, too.
Who's with me ?
Come on, guys, you can do this.
Together we'll break free from the judging stares of the world and...
and live the lives we want to. William...
Jean...
Tommy...
Dude, you've got a hairy chest.
I've got hands like a frickin' lobster.
It's not the same.
Maggie ?
Hello ?
Can I come inside ?
Hey.
Um...
where is the man who hears for you ?
That's okay.
I brought you something you can read anyway.
They didn't have any for the hearing impaired,
so I got you a blind people card with all the bumps on it.
Listen, I can understand why you'd be mad at me.
I mean, it was wrong of me to think you'd be stupid just because you're deaf.
But in my defense, the only other deaf person I've known was stupid.
Actually, I think he might've been brain damaged and maybe he really could hear,
but he was missing an ear.
Anyway, the point is I'm sorry I was unfair.
I mean, I know what it's like to be prejudiced against.
After all, my husband is black.
Mrs. Whitlow...
look, I can't go to jail, please, I'm a mother.
And I know I might not be the best mother there ever was,
but I love my kids.
And if I get locked up, who's gonna tuck them in at night
and rub their bellies when they have tummy aches
and kiss their little boo-boos till they smile ?
And if you take my case, I promise that I will give you the respect
and dignity that you so clearly deserve.
Please help me.
Okay, Joy.
I'll represent you.
I'm sorry.
It's just if you could hear the way you sound...
It's cool, though.
It's cool.
I'm fine.
The next morning, I went down to the pool.
I was bummed no one wanted to come with me,
but I still wanted to prove something to myself.
And besides, all I needed was me,
my two hairy nipples, and a diving board.
But wanting to do something and actually doing it
are two different things.
What are you guys doing here ?
We thought about what you said, Earl. You're right.
We came here to live our lives and to watch you live yours.
I had never felt more brave in all my life.
* Well, if you want to sing out, sing out *
* And if you want to be free *
And I'm pretty sure they hadn't either.
* 'Cause there's a million things to be *
* You know that there are *
* And if you want to live high, live high *
* And if you want to live low, live low *
* 'Cause there's a million ways to go, * * you know that there are *
* You can do what you want * * The opportunity's on... *
And their bravery didn't stop at the pool.
They set out to follow their dreams.
Kevin got a job as a mechanic.
Paul became a stock trader.
Jean used her natural gift of massage to get her chiropractor's license.
William worked as a chef.
Maggie took her love for fixing up houses
and became a very successful house seller.
And it turned out,
all Tommy ever wanted was to be a kid.
That year, the traveling carnival had its rides
and its fun foods, but...
because of me there was something missing...
the sideshow.
And I felt good about that.
* You know that there are... *
Transcript: Raceman Synchro: Dingo
What a bunch of freaks.
www.forom.com http://experts.heberg-forum.net
Hey, Earl ?
Yeah, Randy.
You think I could grow up beard that is nice as Maggy's ?
Maybe.
If you willing to put the time.
I'll put the time and I'll try really hard.
If I do grown nice beard, you think they'd let me been in the carnival ?
No, they're nothing that special about a bearded man.
Unless you're let it on fire or something.
But then you have to wait for it to grow back between shows, so...
it probably wouldn't pay too much.
They probably just give you like free snow cones and
unlimited ****** or something.
If I have my face on fire, screw that.
Yeah, that's the right thing.
Good night, Earl.
Good night, Randy.