1 00:00:02,569 --> 00:00:06,130 [ Earl Narrating ] The claw machine is a popular way to pass time at the Crab Shack. 2 00:00:06,239 --> 00:00:09,902 - Especially when the rat gets in it. - A little more left. 3 00:00:10,010 --> 00:00:12,843 If you can't pick him up by a foot, go for the chunky part. 4 00:00:12,946 --> 00:00:16,973 I know what I'm doin'. I gotta sneak up on him from the back while he's humping that Grover. 5 00:00:17,083 --> 00:00:20,883 - Now! - [ Machine Whirring ] 6 00:00:23,189 --> 00:00:25,851 Be careful when you pull him out of the slot. He's gonna be angry. 7 00:00:25,959 --> 00:00:28,325 He's not gonna be angry. I saved him. 8 00:00:31,331 --> 00:00:34,892 - [ Rat Squeaks ] - Ow! 9 00:00:35,001 --> 00:00:38,562 Maybe I should've let him finish his business with the Grover before I took him. 10 00:00:38,671 --> 00:00:42,072 You know the kind of guy who does nothing but bad things... 11 00:00:42,175 --> 00:00:44,109 and then wonders why his life sucks? 12 00:00:45,211 --> 00:00:49,409 Well, that was me. Every time somethin' good happened to me... 13 00:00:49,516 --> 00:00:51,848 somethin' bad was always waitin' around the corner. 14 00:00:53,186 --> 00:00:54,585 Karma. 15 00:00:54,687 --> 00:00:56,746 That's when I realized I had to change. 16 00:00:58,191 --> 00:01:01,160 So I made a list of everything bad I've ever done... 17 00:01:01,261 --> 00:01:03,729 and, one by one, I'm gonna make up for all my mistakes. 18 00:01:03,830 --> 00:01:05,923 I'm just tryin'to be a better person. 19 00:01:06,032 --> 00:01:08,466 My name is Earl. 20 00:01:11,337 --> 00:01:12,998 [ Joy ] They are monsters, Darnell. 21 00:01:13,106 --> 00:01:14,733 Those kids are two little monsters. 22 00:01:14,841 --> 00:01:17,969 They used my going-out lipstick to draw boobs on the car headlights again. 23 00:01:18,078 --> 00:01:19,875 Joy, I'm tryin' to work. 24 00:01:19,979 --> 00:01:21,913 Sweetheart, you're picking crabmeat out of claws. 25 00:01:22,015 --> 00:01:24,313 It's not like you're in a hospital doing a kidney transplantation. 26 00:01:24,417 --> 00:01:27,386 [ Earl Narrating ] There were a few things I missed about being married to Joy. 27 00:01:27,487 --> 00:01:29,387 Her children were not two of'em. 28 00:01:29,489 --> 00:01:32,754 Boys get into trouble, Joy. That's what they do. 29 00:01:32,859 --> 00:01:35,327 - Tell her, Earl. - Oh, I'm just, uh- 30 00:01:35,428 --> 00:01:37,623 I'm j- gettin' a beer, and the rat's back in the- 31 00:01:37,730 --> 00:01:41,166 What are you askin' him for? He was worse at disciplinin' those kids than you are. 32 00:01:41,267 --> 00:01:44,464 [ Earl Narrating ] She was right. 33 00:01:51,277 --> 00:01:54,337 I always found it best not to get too involved. 34 00:01:55,548 --> 00:01:57,015 [ Man ] There you go. 35 00:01:57,117 --> 00:01:59,381 Well, I'm sure if you put your two heads together... 36 00:01:59,486 --> 00:02:01,852 you'll be able to, uh- 37 00:02:01,955 --> 00:02:03,980 Good luck. 38 00:02:04,090 --> 00:02:06,115 [ Earl Narrating ] I felt bad for Darnell. 39 00:02:06,226 --> 00:02:09,423 But I felt good for me. Those kids were no longer my problem. 40 00:02:09,529 --> 00:02:12,965 Those kids are beyond fixin'. They wouldn't even accept 'em over at the rotten kids camp. 41 00:02:13,066 --> 00:02:15,125 I mean, I ran out of space on the application. 42 00:02:15,235 --> 00:02:17,726 How bad do they have to be? 43 00:02:17,837 --> 00:02:20,635 - Are you talking about the Right Choice Ranch? - Yeah. 44 00:02:20,740 --> 00:02:23,675 - Whose name did you put on the application? - Yours. Hickey. 45 00:02:23,776 --> 00:02:26,210 That's their legal last name. Dr. Crabmeat here... 46 00:02:26,312 --> 00:02:28,644 hasn't come up with the $180 to change their names yet. 47 00:02:28,748 --> 00:02:31,615 Seems like a waste. I like Hickey. 48 00:02:31,784 --> 00:02:32,842 [ Exhales ] Damn it. 49 00:02:32,952 --> 00:02:37,855 [ Earl Narrating ] That's when I realized what I thought wasn't my problem, actually was. 50 00:02:37,957 --> 00:02:41,791 Number 164- burned down a barn at the Right Choice Ranch. 51 00:02:44,697 --> 00:02:48,224 You see, as children, me and Randy got into a little trouble here and there. 52 00:02:48,334 --> 00:02:50,598 [ Groaning ] 53 00:02:56,309 --> 00:03:00,837 And our parents didn't seem to be very entertained by our antics. 54 00:03:00,947 --> 00:03:04,906 Eventually they had no choice but to take Randy and me to the Right Choice Ranch. 55 00:03:05,018 --> 00:03:07,851 It was a nice little camp that helped troubled kids turn their lives around. 56 00:03:07,954 --> 00:03:11,446 However, their slogan raised some eyebrows. 57 00:03:12,559 --> 00:03:15,995 Over the years they tried new slogans... 58 00:03:16,095 --> 00:03:18,461 but they never could get it right. 59 00:03:22,135 --> 00:03:24,535 [ Man ] The Right Choice is, hands on your head. 60 00:03:25,672 --> 00:03:28,266 The Right Choice is, hands on your knees. 61 00:03:29,509 --> 00:03:31,636 The Right Choice is, hands in the air. 62 00:03:33,613 --> 00:03:36,173 [ Earl Narrating ] Within a few hours, we were already startin'to learn... 63 00:03:36,282 --> 00:03:38,250 - that you didn't have to be bad to have fun. - [ Shouts ] 64 00:03:39,719 --> 00:03:42,586 We also learned that Randy was afraid ofbirds. 65 00:03:44,324 --> 00:03:47,293 [ Quacking ] 66 00:03:48,895 --> 00:03:51,921 [ Shouting ] 67 00:03:54,167 --> 00:03:57,568 Then, which brings us back to the list, there was an accident. 68 00:03:57,670 --> 00:03:59,763 I had only recently taken up smokin'... 69 00:03:59,872 --> 00:04:02,705 and properly disposing of my cigarette butts... 70 00:04:02,809 --> 00:04:04,709 was a habit I hadn't mastered. 71 00:04:04,811 --> 00:04:06,972 They sent Randy and I packing. 72 00:04:07,080 --> 00:04:10,243 Any chance of us being reformed went up in flames. 73 00:04:10,350 --> 00:04:13,114 Now Joy's kids shouldn't have to pay for my mistakes. 74 00:04:13,219 --> 00:04:15,414 No, they're gonna have plenty of their own to pay for. 75 00:04:15,521 --> 00:04:17,887 - You're going to a farm? - Shh. 76 00:04:17,991 --> 00:04:20,425 I'm not tellin' Randy. He's afraid of chickens. 77 00:04:20,526 --> 00:04:23,222 And the pope's big hat. But mainly 'cause he thinks there's a chicken under it. 78 00:04:23,329 --> 00:04:25,991 Can I go? I worked on a farm growing up. 79 00:04:26,099 --> 00:04:27,999 - Oh, yeah? Where was it? - I don't know. 80 00:04:28,101 --> 00:04:30,569 We were always blindfolded when they took us there. 81 00:04:30,670 --> 00:04:32,968 But I know they shot my father in San Pascual... 82 00:04:33,072 --> 00:04:35,472 so it must have been north of the river of blood. 83 00:04:37,110 --> 00:04:39,840 Man! A surprise destination. 84 00:04:39,946 --> 00:04:42,847 Give me a hint, Earl. Like, has funnel cakes. 85 00:04:42,949 --> 00:04:45,679 Okay. Does not have funnel cakes. 86 00:04:46,786 --> 00:04:50,483 Does not have funnel cakes. Okay. 87 00:04:50,590 --> 00:04:52,990 [ Earl Narrating ] I didn't like trickin' Randy... 88 00:04:53,092 --> 00:04:55,253 but I was hoping he might conquer his fear ofbirds. 89 00:04:55,361 --> 00:04:58,194 He's never grown out of it. 90 00:04:59,966 --> 00:05:03,663 - [ Bird Squawks ] - Hey, Earl. Did you see what that stupid bird- 91 00:05:03,770 --> 00:05:07,035 - [ Shouts ] - [ Thuds ] 92 00:05:11,577 --> 00:05:15,445 - Right Choice Ranch? - Yep. Does not have funnel cakes. 93 00:05:15,548 --> 00:05:18,813 I'm gonna cross that burned barn off my list. You okay with that? 94 00:05:18,918 --> 00:05:22,547 - Yeah. 'Course. Why wouldn't I be? - [ Rooster Crows ] 95 00:05:22,655 --> 00:05:25,488 Earl, that was a rooster. That's a man chicken. 96 00:05:25,591 --> 00:05:28,890 They're the meanest of'em all. They got that red flappy thing under their mouth. 97 00:05:28,995 --> 00:05:31,361 I don't even know what they make that out of. 98 00:05:33,333 --> 00:05:35,927 I'm afraid of birds, and I don't care what you think of me. 99 00:05:36,035 --> 00:05:39,903 It's okay. We all have our fears. I'm afraid of snakes and rape. 100 00:05:40,006 --> 00:05:43,032 Come on. Let's go find the farmer. 101 00:05:43,142 --> 00:05:45,906 [ Crowing Continues ] 102 00:05:46,012 --> 00:05:49,709 I can't remember. With chickens, are you supposed to play dead or punch 'em in the nose? 103 00:05:52,318 --> 00:05:54,809 Well, I'll be. 104 00:05:54,921 --> 00:05:57,822 Earl Hickey. We've been tellin' everybody around here you're dead. 105 00:05:57,924 --> 00:05:59,824 Nope. Not dead yet. 106 00:05:59,926 --> 00:06:04,329 But my heart did stop briefly back in 1992 when I got stepped on at a Motörhead concert. 107 00:06:04,430 --> 00:06:06,421 No, it's not that. It's just that... 108 00:06:06,532 --> 00:06:09,524 - when we tell the kids the legend of the barn-burner- - [ Chicken Clucking ] 109 00:06:09,635 --> 00:06:12,832 we think it's kinda nice to finish it with you bein' dead. 110 00:06:12,939 --> 00:06:16,602 - Shot in the face actually. - Really? I have a legend? 111 00:06:16,709 --> 00:06:19,439 - And a plaque. - Oh. 112 00:06:23,149 --> 00:06:25,117 You're the example the counselors use... 113 00:06:25,218 --> 00:06:28,187 for someone who made the wrong choice... 114 00:06:28,287 --> 00:06:30,448 here at the Right Choice Ranch. 115 00:06:30,556 --> 00:06:32,183 Hey, Bud... 116 00:06:32,291 --> 00:06:34,987 little Hector said that seeing that baby lamb get born... 117 00:06:35,094 --> 00:06:37,562 has convinced him to laser off his teardrop tattoo. 118 00:06:37,663 --> 00:06:41,394 Hey, okay, Hector. Bueno! Bueno! 119 00:06:41,501 --> 00:06:44,868 Oh, this here's Bobby. He was probably at the camp when you were. 120 00:06:44,971 --> 00:06:47,303 He was brought here when he pulled out all the teeth from his brother. 121 00:06:47,407 --> 00:06:49,898 He's a successful businessman now. 122 00:06:50,009 --> 00:06:52,102 He comes here and volunteers on weekends. 123 00:06:52,211 --> 00:06:55,578 Earl here's thinkin'of making up for burnin' down our barn. 124 00:06:55,681 --> 00:06:59,583 Yep. Gotta undo all the bad things I did so I can have a better life. 125 00:06:59,685 --> 00:07:03,883 Well, if you're looking to make up for burnin' the barn, we sure could use a proper ostrich pen. 126 00:07:03,990 --> 00:07:06,322 - You guys have an ostrich? - Yeah. 127 00:07:06,426 --> 00:07:09,395 We got him for the "Racism Is Having Your Head in the Sand" bonfire. 128 00:07:09,495 --> 00:07:12,623 We put a little K.K.K. hood on him and let him chase the kids around. 129 00:07:12,732 --> 00:07:16,691 All right then. I'll build that racist ostrich a pen. 130 00:07:16,803 --> 00:07:19,829 Maybe the campers will learn somethin' by seeing Earl Hickey do some good. 131 00:07:19,939 --> 00:07:22,373 - There you go. - Just do me a favor. 132 00:07:22,475 --> 00:07:25,740 Don't mention to my brother that there's an ostrich roamin' around. 133 00:07:27,246 --> 00:07:29,077 [ Clucking ] 134 00:07:38,191 --> 00:07:41,024 What are you gonna do now, you stupid bird? I'm behind a fence. 135 00:07:42,628 --> 00:07:44,960 - Stupid chick- - [ Warbles ] 136 00:07:45,064 --> 00:07:47,931 [ Softly ] I don't wanna punch you in the nose, big chicken... 137 00:07:48,034 --> 00:07:50,002 so I'm just gonna lay down and die now. 138 00:07:50,102 --> 00:07:52,002 Okay? Here I am dyin'. 139 00:08:02,114 --> 00:08:04,446 [ Whispering ] Call the police. 140 00:08:06,085 --> 00:08:08,576 No, no. G-G-Go call the police. 141 00:08:11,057 --> 00:08:13,787 [ Earl Narrating ] Building an ostrich pen actually felt pretty good. 142 00:08:13,893 --> 00:08:16,657 But not as good as seeing all the faces of the campers... 143 00:08:16,762 --> 00:08:18,696 gettin' inspired by my positive example. 144 00:08:18,798 --> 00:08:21,460 They couldn't keep their eyes off me. 145 00:08:27,507 --> 00:08:30,032 - Randy, give me the nail gun. - No, no. I-I need it. 146 00:08:30,142 --> 00:08:32,736 For what? You're not doin' a damn thing. 147 00:08:33,779 --> 00:08:35,838 - [ Shouts ] - [ Nail Gun Firing ] 148 00:08:36,949 --> 00:08:38,678 I think I got one in his McNugget. 149 00:08:38,784 --> 00:08:41,753 - You can have it now. - [ Boys Bickering, Indistinct ] 150 00:08:41,854 --> 00:08:44,755 You know what? If y'all don't stop fightin', I swear to God I'll slap you so hard... 151 00:08:44,857 --> 00:08:46,484 you'll both switch colors. 152 00:08:46,592 --> 00:08:49,220 - Hey, Earl. - Hey, Crab Man. 153 00:08:49,328 --> 00:08:52,525 This place is crazy, huh? It's like a farm or somethin'. 154 00:08:52,632 --> 00:08:55,328 - What are you doin' here? - Well, you must be doin' somethin' right... 155 00:08:55,434 --> 00:08:58,562 'cause they called us up and told us we could bring the boys up here. 156 00:08:58,671 --> 00:09:01,868 Careful with that sander, honey. You don't wanna injure your toilet-scrubbing hand. 157 00:09:01,974 --> 00:09:05,102 Quiero agradecer a todo el publico latino que nos acompana cada semana... 158 00:09:05,211 --> 00:09:08,669 y para los que no son latino, les felicito por aprender otra idioma. 159 00:09:08,781 --> 00:09:11,272 Sorry, sweetheart. I don't speak maid. 160 00:09:13,753 --> 00:09:15,778 We're gonna need Dodge's birthday. 161 00:09:15,888 --> 00:09:18,049 June- 162 00:09:18,157 --> 00:09:20,057 Wait. Do me a favor. What's this say? 163 00:09:21,193 --> 00:09:23,491 That's a Smurfette ridin' a skateboard. 164 00:09:23,596 --> 00:09:25,826 No. Under that? 165 00:09:25,932 --> 00:09:28,366 - Oh, June 10. - Mmm, that's it. 166 00:09:29,969 --> 00:09:32,870 - What about Earl Jr.? - Darnell? 167 00:09:34,173 --> 00:09:36,903 April 3. 168 00:09:37,009 --> 00:09:38,909 [ Earl Narrating ] With Catalina's help... 169 00:09:39,011 --> 00:09:41,377 I finished the ostrich pen a lot sooner than I thought. 170 00:09:42,515 --> 00:09:45,143 Well, I think I can cross this one off. 171 00:09:45,251 --> 00:09:47,151 I'll go get us some fresh water. 172 00:09:47,253 --> 00:09:50,950 As a child, they wouldn't let us drink from the well because of the bodies. 173 00:09:51,057 --> 00:09:54,254 Look, Earl. They're playin' Right Choice. Remember that? 174 00:09:54,360 --> 00:09:57,454 Right Choice is, hands on your nose. 175 00:09:57,563 --> 00:10:00,054 Right Choice is, stand on one foot. 176 00:10:00,166 --> 00:10:02,464 - All right. Now punch your neighbor's arm. - Ow! 177 00:10:02,568 --> 00:10:05,503 - I didn't say "Right Choice." - [ All Laugh ] 178 00:10:08,507 --> 00:10:10,407 [ Bobby ] Right Choice is, hands on your nose. 179 00:10:10,509 --> 00:10:14,070 Trick is, you just watch what everybody else is doin' and do what they do. 180 00:10:15,648 --> 00:10:18,583 [ Earl Narrating ] I'm not sure why, but that's when it hit me. 181 00:10:18,684 --> 00:10:21,847 I didn't just screw up my own future by burning down that barn... 182 00:10:21,954 --> 00:10:24,445 I screwed up Randy's too. 183 00:10:26,292 --> 00:10:29,989 - I'm puttin' you on the list. - What? 184 00:10:30,096 --> 00:10:32,189 I'm puttin' you on the list. 185 00:10:32,298 --> 00:10:35,199 When I got us thrown out of here, I didn't just destroy that barn... 186 00:10:35,301 --> 00:10:37,292 I destroyed your chance to be a better person. 187 00:10:37,403 --> 00:10:41,237 - I gotta put you on the list. - No, no, Earl. I'm glad we got thrown out of here. 188 00:10:41,340 --> 00:10:44,138 This place is total chaos. I saw a pig eatin' his own poo. 189 00:10:44,243 --> 00:10:47,940 But, Randy, if I didn't get us kicked out, you could've had a completely different life. 190 00:10:48,047 --> 00:10:50,538 Now look at that guy Bobby over there. 191 00:10:50,650 --> 00:10:55,383 Perfectly pleated khakis. Havin'a good job. Flossin'. That could've been you. 192 00:10:55,488 --> 00:10:57,547 I don't wanna be that guy, Earl. I don't wanna floss. 193 00:10:57,657 --> 00:11:00,148 - It makes my tongue hurt. - Randy, give me the pen. 194 00:11:00,259 --> 00:11:02,625 - No. - You're goin' on the list, Randy! 195 00:11:02,728 --> 00:11:04,855 - I don't wanna! - It's not up to you. It's up to karma! 196 00:11:04,964 --> 00:11:06,522 [ Nail Gun Fires ] 197 00:11:06,632 --> 00:11:10,124 [ Groans, Screams ] 198 00:11:10,236 --> 00:11:13,569 Mother, mother, mother, mother, mother, mother, mother, mother, mother... 199 00:11:14,607 --> 00:11:16,234 Mother! 200 00:11:16,342 --> 00:11:18,242 Pull it out. Pull it out! 201 00:11:18,344 --> 00:11:20,835 Karma did this, Randy, 'cause you're not on the list. 202 00:11:20,946 --> 00:11:22,538 - Put yourself on the list! - No! 203 00:11:22,648 --> 00:11:24,206 - Do it! - No! 204 00:11:24,316 --> 00:11:25,783 - Do it! Do it! - No! 205 00:11:25,885 --> 00:11:29,412 I burned down the barn, okay! I did it. It wasn't you. 206 00:11:29,522 --> 00:11:31,422 [ Earl Narrating ] Randy wasn't lyin'. 207 00:11:31,524 --> 00:11:33,549 Though he had been for quite a few years. 208 00:11:36,362 --> 00:11:38,694 Hey, Earl. Can I have a drag of that? 209 00:11:38,798 --> 00:11:42,564 No. You're not old enough. No smokin' till you're 10. 210 00:11:42,668 --> 00:11:46,798 Come on. Let's go inside. We're gonna play a game of Duck Duck Everyone's a Winner. 211 00:11:50,276 --> 00:11:52,710 [ Earl Narrating ] But Randy didn't wanna go inside that night. 212 00:11:52,812 --> 00:11:55,042 He wanted to smoke. 213 00:11:57,683 --> 00:12:00,777 - [ Clucking ] - Unfortunately, he wasn't alone in the barn. 214 00:12:00,886 --> 00:12:02,751 [ Shouts ] 215 00:12:06,859 --> 00:12:09,293 There you go. Now if you do it to the other hand... 216 00:12:09,395 --> 00:12:13,263 I wanna take you to my church so I can watch all the old ladies cry. 217 00:12:13,365 --> 00:12:17,267 I'm sorry, Earl. The good news is, you don't have to put me on your list. 218 00:12:17,369 --> 00:12:21,135 It's not your fault that this place didn't turn me into a good person. It's mine. 219 00:12:21,240 --> 00:12:24,539 No, no. It's not my fault you didn't turn out like Bobby over there. 220 00:12:24,643 --> 00:12:29,273 It's your fault. It's also your fault that I didn't turn out like Bobby. 221 00:12:29,381 --> 00:12:33,909 - Want me to make a list and put you on it? - No, I don't, Randy. 222 00:12:34,019 --> 00:12:37,546 You don't need to make a list. Your list is right here. 223 00:12:37,656 --> 00:12:40,750 - This is your list. - Not anymore it's not. It's our list. 224 00:12:40,860 --> 00:12:42,953 Seeing how this place coulda turned me around... 225 00:12:43,062 --> 00:12:47,158 Ifigure you're responsible for everything bad I did since the summer of 1982. 226 00:12:47,266 --> 00:12:49,325 And that's about 200 things. Good luck. 227 00:12:53,172 --> 00:12:55,265 Stupid Carson Daly. 228 00:12:59,145 --> 00:13:01,272 [ Snores ] 229 00:13:01,380 --> 00:13:03,712 Wakey, wakey, hands off snakey. 230 00:13:03,816 --> 00:13:07,445 - What are you doin'? - Time to get up. Gotta get started on your list. 231 00:13:07,553 --> 00:13:11,319 I chose the first one. Took doughnuts from a bank where I was not a customer. 232 00:13:11,424 --> 00:13:14,985 - Do I have to go now? - People don't want doughnuts in the afternoon. 233 00:13:15,094 --> 00:13:17,688 Oh, sure they would. 234 00:13:17,797 --> 00:13:20,561 If you put gravy on 'em. Or meat inside. 235 00:13:20,666 --> 00:13:23,658 With that smart frog from Return of the Jedi on my back. 236 00:13:23,769 --> 00:13:27,261 - [ Continues Snoring ] - Randy, wake up. 237 00:13:27,373 --> 00:13:29,432 Poopie trim- Huh? 238 00:13:29,542 --> 00:13:33,103 [ Chattering ] 239 00:13:34,980 --> 00:13:38,108 - Can't I just leave 'em on the table? - Nope. 240 00:13:38,217 --> 00:13:40,378 You gotta tell people what you did and why you're here. 241 00:13:40,486 --> 00:13:42,386 - All of'em? - All of'em. 242 00:13:43,622 --> 00:13:46,557 - Everybody, listen up! - [ Women Shrieking ] 243 00:13:47,993 --> 00:13:50,791 Drop the doughnuts! Just drop the doughnuts. 244 00:13:50,896 --> 00:13:53,057 [ Woman Whimpers ] 245 00:13:57,803 --> 00:14:01,000 [ Earl Narrating ] Randy spent the whole day crossin' things off my list. 246 00:14:06,979 --> 00:14:10,415 My name in Earl, and I stole this birdbath out of a pickup truck... 247 00:14:10,516 --> 00:14:12,416 in the parking lot of this building. 248 00:14:12,518 --> 00:14:14,486 Is it yours? 249 00:14:20,659 --> 00:14:23,492 [ Smacks Lips ] Nope. 250 00:14:39,645 --> 00:14:42,409 This birdbath was stolen out of the back of a pickup truck- 251 00:14:42,515 --> 00:14:45,951 It is bad luck to accept a birdbath from a stranger. 252 00:14:48,187 --> 00:14:52,453 - [ Groaning ] - My name is Earl. 253 00:14:52,558 --> 00:14:54,719 What up, Nescobar-A-Lop-Lop? 254 00:14:54,827 --> 00:14:57,022 [ Both Laugh ] 255 00:14:59,265 --> 00:15:02,098 [ Earl Narrating ] It wasn't easy, but the hard things in life never are. 256 00:15:02,201 --> 00:15:04,863 Randy was responsible for who I became... 257 00:15:04,970 --> 00:15:07,768 and it was his job to make up for everything bad I did. 258 00:15:09,074 --> 00:15:11,235 Sir, my name is Earl... 259 00:15:11,343 --> 00:15:13,937 and I slept with your wife. 260 00:15:14,046 --> 00:15:18,210 - [ Groans ] - Was it in my own house? In my own bed? 261 00:15:19,318 --> 00:15:21,946 Uh, I'll check. 262 00:15:31,430 --> 00:15:34,228 It was in your own house, but it was on the couch... 263 00:15:34,333 --> 00:15:37,598 the counter, the piano, the- [ Groans ] 264 00:15:37,703 --> 00:15:40,467 Wait. I've been married a few times. 265 00:15:40,573 --> 00:15:43,133 Who are you talking about? 266 00:15:43,242 --> 00:15:45,142 I'll find out. 267 00:15:56,689 --> 00:16:00,420 - It was Sherry. - Sherry? That's fine. 268 00:16:00,526 --> 00:16:03,256 If you had said Linda, that'd be another story. 269 00:16:12,371 --> 00:16:15,704 Done. He was okay with it so long as it wasn't Linda. 270 00:16:15,808 --> 00:16:18,208 Check out number 188. 271 00:16:28,654 --> 00:16:31,316 [ Earl Narrating ] It was relaxin'to have Randy do my list for me. 272 00:16:31,423 --> 00:16:33,323 Kind oflike a vacation. 273 00:16:33,425 --> 00:16:37,054 But then he came across somethin' on the list he couldn't do on his own. 274 00:16:37,162 --> 00:16:40,359 - I got one I can't do. - Too bad. Figure it out. 275 00:16:40,466 --> 00:16:42,627 I can't. Number 98- 276 00:16:42,735 --> 00:16:45,226 told Dodge and Earl Jr. we would have... 277 00:16:45,337 --> 00:16:48,135 a father-son day at Mystery Fun Land and didn't take them. 278 00:16:49,775 --> 00:16:51,675 [ Earl Narrating ] I had promised the boys... 279 00:16:51,777 --> 00:16:53,677 I'd take them to Mystery Fun Land. 280 00:16:53,779 --> 00:16:56,543 But I had also promised myself I'd go to an AC/DC concert. 281 00:16:56,649 --> 00:17:00,983 - Hey, boys! - You told us you would take us to Mystery Fun Land. 282 00:17:01,086 --> 00:17:04,385 Front row. They opened with "Moneytalks." 283 00:17:08,494 --> 00:17:11,691 Well, I would have probably taken 'em if I didn't get kicked out of camp, Randy. 284 00:17:11,797 --> 00:17:14,425 I would have probably had my own Mystery Fun Land. 285 00:17:14,533 --> 00:17:16,831 On my own private island. 286 00:17:16,935 --> 00:17:19,597 - The "Earlhamas." - The "Earlhamas"? 287 00:17:19,705 --> 00:17:22,833 Yeah, maybe. Maybe I'd be rich and own a bunch of islands. 288 00:17:22,941 --> 00:17:24,909 Would there have been an island for me? 289 00:17:25,010 --> 00:17:27,308 - Yeah, probably. - Damn it. 290 00:17:27,413 --> 00:17:29,677 [ Woman Announcer On TV, Indistinct ] 291 00:17:29,782 --> 00:17:34,685 Well, I can't fix this one. They won't let me sign Dodge and Earl Jr. out of bad kid camp. 292 00:17:34,787 --> 00:17:38,587 They say either you or Joy or Darnell have to do it. 293 00:17:38,691 --> 00:17:40,591 [ Exhales ] 294 00:17:41,794 --> 00:17:43,955 Fine. I'll do this one. 295 00:17:44,063 --> 00:17:47,055 But you gotta do another one while I'm gone. 296 00:17:47,166 --> 00:17:48,963 Number 53- 297 00:17:49,068 --> 00:17:52,595 put used gum under almost every table I've ever sat at. 298 00:17:52,705 --> 00:17:55,003 [ TVContinues, Indistinct ] 299 00:17:58,844 --> 00:18:02,746 How am I supposed to know which ones are "mines" and which ones are yours? 300 00:18:04,149 --> 00:18:07,744 - You kids ready to have a good time? - [ Together] Yeah! 301 00:18:07,853 --> 00:18:11,220 [ Earl Narrating ] Me and the boys headed on down to Mystery Fun Land. 302 00:18:11,323 --> 00:18:15,555 I figured after a couple hours of Skee-Ball and a handful of rides on the bumper cars... 303 00:18:15,661 --> 00:18:17,652 I'd be able to cross 'em off my list... 304 00:18:17,763 --> 00:18:21,665 and get back to watchin' buildings fall down on TV. 305 00:18:21,767 --> 00:18:25,601 However, there was a small problem with that plan. 306 00:18:25,704 --> 00:18:27,672 Mystery Fun Land was gone. 307 00:18:27,773 --> 00:18:30,936 - It's gone. - What? 308 00:18:31,043 --> 00:18:33,136 Mystery Fun Land. 309 00:18:33,245 --> 00:18:35,406 It's gone. They tore it down. 310 00:18:37,216 --> 00:18:39,116 I can't cross you off the list. 311 00:18:39,218 --> 00:18:41,311 You mean, your idiot list? 312 00:18:41,420 --> 00:18:43,615 - Is that what your mom calls it? - Yeah. 313 00:18:43,722 --> 00:18:48,352 She puts another word in front of idiot, but I don't know what it means. 314 00:18:48,460 --> 00:18:50,655 The guy in Scarface says it a lot. 315 00:18:50,763 --> 00:18:52,458 I know what it means. 316 00:18:52,564 --> 00:18:55,362 Yeah, my idiot list. 317 00:18:55,467 --> 00:18:59,301 You guys are on here 'cause I didn't take you to Fun Land. You're number 98. 318 00:18:59,404 --> 00:19:03,033 But if there's no Fun Land, there's no way to cross you off. 319 00:19:03,142 --> 00:19:06,168 I don't know what I'm supposed to do. This has never happened before. 320 00:19:06,278 --> 00:19:08,769 What if we just forgive you? 321 00:19:08,881 --> 00:19:10,678 What? 322 00:19:10,783 --> 00:19:15,220 When someone tells the truth and says they're sorry, you forgive them. 323 00:19:15,320 --> 00:19:18,517 That's what we learned at camp. 324 00:19:18,624 --> 00:19:20,956 [ Earl Narrating ] That's when they made me realize somethin'. 325 00:19:21,059 --> 00:19:23,687 It's never too late to make the right choices in life. 326 00:19:23,796 --> 00:19:28,563 And forgivin' people you love- Well, that's a right choice I still hadn't made. 327 00:19:28,667 --> 00:19:33,195 If these little monsters could forgive me, why couldn't I forgive my own brother? 328 00:19:43,816 --> 00:19:48,810 - [ Sniffs ] Nicorette. That's yours, Joy. - Hey, doofus. 329 00:19:48,921 --> 00:19:51,583 If I wanted to see that again, I wouldn't have put it up under the table. 330 00:19:51,690 --> 00:19:53,885 Why don't you go get started on the back of my headboard. 331 00:19:53,992 --> 00:19:56,722 Anything that's grape was put there by Earl. 332 00:19:59,698 --> 00:20:02,826 - Randy, you can stop now. - I gotta go start on the headboard. 333 00:20:02,935 --> 00:20:05,495 No, it's okay. It's not your list anymore. 334 00:20:05,604 --> 00:20:07,663 - I forgive you. - What? 335 00:20:07,773 --> 00:20:09,866 I know you're sorry for what you did back then... 336 00:20:09,975 --> 00:20:12,239 and when somebody you love is sorry, you forgive 'em. 337 00:20:12,344 --> 00:20:15,040 I am sorry I burned down that barn, Earl. 338 00:20:15,147 --> 00:20:17,877 I know you are. It's okay. 339 00:20:17,983 --> 00:20:21,475 Oh, my God. You two are a couple of fruits. 340 00:20:21,587 --> 00:20:23,885 I think it's sweet. 341 00:20:23,989 --> 00:20:26,549 Well, why don't y'all go have a three-way? 342 00:20:26,658 --> 00:20:29,354 Pack of fruitcakes. 343 00:20:32,130 --> 00:20:35,031 I don't care what she thinks. 344 00:20:35,133 --> 00:20:37,499 I don't either, Randy. 345 00:20:37,603 --> 00:20:39,833 My God, I'm gonna vomit. 346 00:20:48,146 --> 00:20:50,046 Hey, Earl? 347 00:20:50,148 --> 00:20:52,048 Yeah, Randy? 348 00:20:52,150 --> 00:20:55,608 Do you think an ostrich could get all the way here from the Right Choice Ranch? 349 00:20:55,721 --> 00:21:00,488 Yeah. I mean, it could probably walk that distance if it really wanted to. 350 00:21:00,592 --> 00:21:04,153 But I think the chances of it headin' in the right direction, gettin' up the stairs... 351 00:21:04,263 --> 00:21:07,061 and findin' this particular room are pretty slim. 352 00:21:19,044 --> 00:21:21,069 I'm gonna make sure the door is locked. 353 00:21:24,283 --> 00:21:25,910 [ Door Lock Clicks ] 0 00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00 www.tvsubtitles.net