[ Earl Narrating ] The claw machine is a popular way to pass time at the Crab Shack.
- Especially when the rat gets in it. - A little more left.
If you can't pick him up by a foot, go for the chunky part.
I know what I'm doin'. I gotta sneak up on him from the back while he's humping that Grover.
- Now! - [ Machine Whirring ]
Be careful when you pull him out of the slot. He's gonna be angry.
He's not gonna be angry. I saved him.
- [ Rat Squeaks ] - Ow!
Maybe I should've let him finish his business with the Grover before I took him.
You know the kind of guy who does nothing but bad things...
and then wonders why his life sucks?
Well, that was me. Every time somethin' good happened to me...
somethin' bad was always waitin' around the corner.
Karma.
That's when I realized I had to change.
So I made a list of everything bad I've ever done...
and, one by one, I'm gonna make up for all my mistakes.
I'm just tryin'to be a better person.
My name is Earl.
[ Joy ] They are monsters, Darnell.
Those kids are two little monsters.
They used my going-out lipstick to draw boobs on the car headlights again.
Joy, I'm tryin' to work.
Sweetheart, you're picking crabmeat out of claws.
It's not like you're in a hospital doing a kidney transplantation.
[ Earl Narrating ] There were a few things I missed about being married to Joy.
Her children were not two of'em.
Boys get into trouble, Joy. That's what they do.
- Tell her, Earl. - Oh, I'm just, uh-
I'm j- gettin' a beer, and the rat's back in the-
What are you askin' him for? He was worse at disciplinin' those kids than you are.
[ Earl Narrating ] She was right.
I always found it best not to get too involved.
[ Man ] There you go.
Well, I'm sure if you put your two heads together...
you'll be able to, uh-
Good luck.
[ Earl Narrating ] I felt bad for Darnell.
But I felt good for me. Those kids were no longer my problem.
Those kids are beyond fixin'. They wouldn't even accept 'em over at the rotten kids camp.
I mean, I ran out of space on the application.
How bad do they have to be?
- Are you talking about the Right Choice Ranch? - Yeah.
- Whose name did you put on the application? - Yours. Hickey.
That's their legal last name. Dr. Crabmeat here...
hasn't come up with the $180 to change their names yet.
Seems like a waste. I like Hickey.
[ Exhales ] Damn it.
[ Earl Narrating ] That's when I realized what I thought wasn't my problem, actually was.
Number 164- burned down a barn at the Right Choice Ranch.
You see, as children, me and Randy got into a little trouble here and there.
[ Groaning ]
And our parents didn't seem to be very entertained by our antics.
Eventually they had no choice but to take Randy and me to the Right Choice Ranch.
It was a nice little camp that helped troubled kids turn their lives around.
However, their slogan raised some eyebrows.
Over the years they tried new slogans...
but they never could get it right.
[ Man ] The Right Choice is, hands on your head.
The Right Choice is, hands on your knees.
The Right Choice is, hands in the air.
[ Earl Narrating ] Within a few hours, we were already startin'to learn...
- that you didn't have to be bad to have fun. - [ Shouts ]
We also learned that Randy was afraid ofbirds.
[ Quacking ]
[ Shouting ]
Then, which brings us back to the list, there was an accident.
I had only recently taken up smokin'...
and properly disposing of my cigarette butts...
was a habit I hadn't mastered.
They sent Randy and I packing.
Any chance of us being reformed went up in flames.
Now Joy's kids shouldn't have to pay for my mistakes.
No, they're gonna have plenty of their own to pay for.
- You're going to a farm? - Shh.
I'm not tellin' Randy. He's afraid of chickens.
And the pope's big hat. But mainly 'cause he thinks there's a chicken under it.
Can I go? I worked on a farm growing up.
- Oh, yeah? Where was it? - I don't know.
We were always blindfolded when they took us there.
But I know they shot my father in San Pascual...
so it must have been north of the river of blood.
Man! A surprise destination.
Give me a hint, Earl. Like, has funnel cakes.
Okay. Does not have funnel cakes.
Does not have funnel cakes. Okay.
[ Earl Narrating ] I didn't like trickin' Randy...
but I was hoping he might conquer his fear ofbirds.
He's never grown out of it.
- [ Bird Squawks ] - Hey, Earl. Did you see what that stupid bird-
- [ Shouts ] - [ Thuds ]
- Right Choice Ranch? - Yep. Does not have funnel cakes.
I'm gonna cross that burned barn off my list. You okay with that?
- Yeah. 'Course. Why wouldn't I be? - [ Rooster Crows ]
Earl, that was a rooster. That's a man chicken.
They're the meanest of'em all. They got that red flappy thing under their mouth.
I don't even know what they make that out of.
I'm afraid of birds, and I don't care what you think of me.
It's okay. We all have our fears. I'm afraid of snakes and rape.
Come on. Let's go find the farmer.
[ Crowing Continues ]
I can't remember. With chickens, are you supposed to play dead or punch 'em in the nose?
Well, I'll be.
Earl Hickey. We've been tellin' everybody around here you're dead.
Nope. Not dead yet.
But my heart did stop briefly back in 1992 when I got stepped on at a Motörhead concert.
No, it's not that. It's just that...
- when we tell the kids the legend of the barn-burner- - [ Chicken Clucking ]
we think it's kinda nice to finish it with you bein' dead.
- Shot in the face actually. - Really? I have a legend?
- And a plaque. - Oh.
You're the example the counselors use...
for someone who made the wrong choice...
here at the Right Choice Ranch.
Hey, Bud...
little Hector said that seeing that baby lamb get born...
has convinced him to laser off his teardrop tattoo.
Hey, okay, Hector. Bueno! Bueno!
Oh, this here's Bobby. He was probably at the camp when you were.
He was brought here when he pulled out all the teeth from his brother.
He's a successful businessman now.
He comes here and volunteers on weekends.
Earl here's thinkin'of making up for burnin' down our barn.
Yep. Gotta undo all the bad things I did so I can have a better life.
Well, if you're looking to make up for burnin' the barn, we sure could use a proper ostrich pen.
- You guys have an ostrich? - Yeah.
We got him for the "Racism Is Having Your Head in the Sand" bonfire.
We put a little K.K.K. hood on him and let him chase the kids around.
All right then. I'll build that racist ostrich a pen.
Maybe the campers will learn somethin' by seeing Earl Hickey do some good.
- There you go. - Just do me a favor.
Don't mention to my brother that there's an ostrich roamin' around.
[ Clucking ]
What are you gonna do now, you stupid bird? I'm behind a fence.
- Stupid chick- - [ Warbles ]
[ Softly ] I don't wanna punch you in the nose, big chicken...
so I'm just gonna lay down and die now.
Okay? Here I am dyin'.
[ Whispering ] Call the police.
No, no. G-G-Go call the police.
[ Earl Narrating ] Building an ostrich pen actually felt pretty good.
But not as good as seeing all the faces of the campers...
gettin' inspired by my positive example.
They couldn't keep their eyes off me.
- Randy, give me the nail gun. - No, no. I-I need it.
For what? You're not doin' a damn thing.
- [ Shouts ] - [ Nail Gun Firing ]
I think I got one in his McNugget.
- You can have it now. - [ Boys Bickering, Indistinct ]
You know what? If y'all don't stop fightin', I swear to God I'll slap you so hard...
you'll both switch colors.
- Hey, Earl. - Hey, Crab Man.
This place is crazy, huh? It's like a farm or somethin'.
- What are you doin' here? - Well, you must be doin' somethin' right...
'cause they called us up and told us we could bring the boys up here.
Careful with that sander, honey. You don't wanna injure your toilet-scrubbing hand.
Quiero agradecer a todo el publico latino que nos acompana cada semana...
y para los que no son latino, les felicito por aprender otra idioma.
Sorry, sweetheart. I don't speak maid.
We're gonna need Dodge's birthday.
June-
Wait. Do me a favor. What's this say?
That's a Smurfette ridin' a skateboard.
No. Under that?
- Oh, June 10. - Mmm, that's it.
- What about Earl Jr.? - Darnell?
April 3.
[ Earl Narrating ] With Catalina's help...
I finished the ostrich pen a lot sooner than I thought.
Well, I think I can cross this one off.
I'll go get us some fresh water.
As a child, they wouldn't let us drink from the well because of the bodies.
Look, Earl. They're playin' Right Choice. Remember that?
Right Choice is, hands on your nose.
Right Choice is, stand on one foot.
- All right. Now punch your neighbor's arm. - Ow!
- I didn't say "Right Choice." - [ All Laugh ]
[ Bobby ] Right Choice is, hands on your nose.
Trick is, you just watch what everybody else is doin' and do what they do.
[ Earl Narrating ] I'm not sure why, but that's when it hit me.
I didn't just screw up my own future by burning down that barn...
I screwed up Randy's too.
- I'm puttin' you on the list. - What?
I'm puttin' you on the list.
When I got us thrown out of here, I didn't just destroy that barn...
I destroyed your chance to be a better person.
- I gotta put you on the list. - No, no, Earl. I'm glad we got thrown out of here.
This place is total chaos. I saw a pig eatin' his own poo.
But, Randy, if I didn't get us kicked out, you could've had a completely different life.
Now look at that guy Bobby over there.
Perfectly pleated khakis. Havin'a good job. Flossin'. That could've been you.
I don't wanna be that guy, Earl. I don't wanna floss.
- It makes my tongue hurt. - Randy, give me the pen.
- No. - You're goin' on the list, Randy!
- I don't wanna! - It's not up to you. It's up to karma!
[ Nail Gun Fires ]
[ Groans, Screams ]
Mother, mother, mother, mother, mother, mother, mother, mother, mother...
Mother!
Pull it out. Pull it out!
Karma did this, Randy, 'cause you're not on the list.
- Put yourself on the list! - No!
- Do it! - No!
- Do it! Do it! - No!
I burned down the barn, okay! I did it. It wasn't you.
[ Earl Narrating ] Randy wasn't lyin'.
Though he had been for quite a few years.
Hey, Earl. Can I have a drag of that?
No. You're not old enough. No smokin' till you're 10.
Come on. Let's go inside. We're gonna play a game of Duck Duck Everyone's a Winner.
[ Earl Narrating ] But Randy didn't wanna go inside that night.
He wanted to smoke.
- [ Clucking ] - Unfortunately, he wasn't alone in the barn.
[ Shouts ]
There you go. Now if you do it to the other hand...
I wanna take you to my church so I can watch all the old ladies cry.
I'm sorry, Earl. The good news is, you don't have to put me on your list.
It's not your fault that this place didn't turn me into a good person. It's mine.
No, no. It's not my fault you didn't turn out like Bobby over there.
It's your fault. It's also your fault that I didn't turn out like Bobby.
- Want me to make a list and put you on it? - No, I don't, Randy.
You don't need to make a list. Your list is right here.
- This is your list. - Not anymore it's not. It's our list.
Seeing how this place coulda turned me around...
Ifigure you're responsible for everything bad I did since the summer of 1982.
And that's about 200 things. Good luck.
Stupid Carson Daly.
[ Snores ]
Wakey, wakey, hands off snakey.
- What are you doin'? - Time to get up. Gotta get started on your list.
I chose the first one. Took doughnuts from a bank where I was not a customer.
- Do I have to go now? - People don't want doughnuts in the afternoon.
Oh, sure they would.
If you put gravy on 'em. Or meat inside.
With that smart frog from Return of the Jedi on my back.
- [ Continues Snoring ] - Randy, wake up.
Poopie trim- Huh?
[ Chattering ]
- Can't I just leave 'em on the table? - Nope.
You gotta tell people what you did and why you're here.
- All of'em? - All of'em.
- Everybody, listen up! - [ Women Shrieking ]
Drop the doughnuts! Just drop the doughnuts.
[ Woman Whimpers ]
[ Earl Narrating ] Randy spent the whole day crossin' things off my list.
My name in Earl, and I stole this birdbath out of a pickup truck...
in the parking lot of this building.
Is it yours?
[ Smacks Lips ] Nope.
This birdbath was stolen out of the back of a pickup truck-
It is bad luck to accept a birdbath from a stranger.
- [ Groaning ] - My name is Earl.
What up, Nescobar-A-Lop-Lop?
[ Both Laugh ]
[ Earl Narrating ] It wasn't easy, but the hard things in life never are.
Randy was responsible for who I became...
and it was his job to make up for everything bad I did.
Sir, my name is Earl...
and I slept with your wife.
- [ Groans ] - Was it in my own house? In my own bed?
Uh, I'll check.
It was in your own house, but it was on the couch...
the counter, the piano, the- [ Groans ]
Wait. I've been married a few times.
Who are you talking about?
I'll find out.
- It was Sherry. - Sherry? That's fine.
If you had said Linda, that'd be another story.
Done. He was okay with it so long as it wasn't Linda.
Check out number 188.
[ Earl Narrating ] It was relaxin'to have Randy do my list for me.
Kind oflike a vacation.
But then he came across somethin' on the list he couldn't do on his own.
- I got one I can't do. - Too bad. Figure it out.
I can't. Number 98-
told Dodge and Earl Jr. we would have...
a father-son day at Mystery Fun Land and didn't take them.
[ Earl Narrating ] I had promised the boys...
I'd take them to Mystery Fun Land.
But I had also promised myself I'd go to an AC/DC concert.
- Hey, boys! - You told us you would take us to Mystery Fun Land.
Front row. They opened with "Moneytalks."
Well, I would have probably taken 'em if I didn't get kicked out of camp, Randy.
I would have probably had my own Mystery Fun Land.
On my own private island.
- The "Earlhamas." - The "Earlhamas"?
Yeah, maybe. Maybe I'd be rich and own a bunch of islands.
Would there have been an island for me?
- Yeah, probably. - Damn it.
[ Woman Announcer On TV, Indistinct ]
Well, I can't fix this one. They won't let me sign Dodge and Earl Jr. out of bad kid camp.
They say either you or Joy or Darnell have to do it.
[ Exhales ]
Fine. I'll do this one.
But you gotta do another one while I'm gone.
Number 53-
put used gum under almost every table I've ever sat at.
[ TVContinues, Indistinct ]
How am I supposed to know which ones are "mines" and which ones are yours?
- You kids ready to have a good time? - [ Together] Yeah!
[ Earl Narrating ] Me and the boys headed on down to Mystery Fun Land.
I figured after a couple hours of Skee-Ball and a handful of rides on the bumper cars...
I'd be able to cross 'em off my list...
and get back to watchin' buildings fall down on TV.
However, there was a small problem with that plan.
Mystery Fun Land was gone.
- It's gone. - What?
Mystery Fun Land.
It's gone. They tore it down.
I can't cross you off the list.
You mean, your idiot list?
- Is that what your mom calls it? - Yeah.
She puts another word in front of idiot, but I don't know what it means.
The guy in Scarface says it a lot.
I know what it means.
Yeah, my idiot list.
You guys are on here 'cause I didn't take you to Fun Land. You're number 98.
But if there's no Fun Land, there's no way to cross you off.
I don't know what I'm supposed to do. This has never happened before.
What if we just forgive you?
What?
When someone tells the truth and says they're sorry, you forgive them.
That's what we learned at camp.
[ Earl Narrating ] That's when they made me realize somethin'.
It's never too late to make the right choices in life.
And forgivin' people you love- Well, that's a right choice I still hadn't made.
If these little monsters could forgive me, why couldn't I forgive my own brother?
- [ Sniffs ] Nicorette. That's yours, Joy. - Hey, doofus.
If I wanted to see that again, I wouldn't have put it up under the table.
Why don't you go get started on the back of my headboard.
Anything that's grape was put there by Earl.
- Randy, you can stop now. - I gotta go start on the headboard.
No, it's okay. It's not your list anymore.
- I forgive you. - What?
I know you're sorry for what you did back then...
and when somebody you love is sorry, you forgive 'em.
I am sorry I burned down that barn, Earl.
I know you are. It's okay.
Oh, my God. You two are a couple of fruits.
I think it's sweet.
Well, why don't y'all go have a three-way?
Pack of fruitcakes.
I don't care what she thinks.
I don't either, Randy.
My God, I'm gonna vomit.
Hey, Earl?
Yeah, Randy?
Do you think an ostrich could get all the way here from the Right Choice Ranch?
Yeah. I mean, it could probably walk that distance if it really wanted to.
But I think the chances of it headin' in the right direction, gettin' up the stairs...
and findin' this particular room are pretty slim.
I'm gonna make sure the door is locked.
[ Door Lock Clicks ]
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