[ Earl Narrating ] I'd be lying if I said I wasn't nervous about doing number 86 on my list-
stole a car from a one-legged girl.
You said you loved me!
[ Ricochet ]
[ Earl Narrating ] I understand why she was so upset.
That car was like a leg to her.
If you'll just let me explain.
You son of a bitch!
Wow. You move pretty good with that leg, Didi.
[ Earl Narrating ] And as handi-capable as one-legged Didi was...
her no-legged boyfriend was handi-capabler.
Damn!
I was starting to think that today wasn't the day to do number 86 on the list.
Maybe karma wanted me somewhere else.
And then I got a sign. Number 4-
blew Dad's chance to be elected mayor.
You know the kind of guy who does nothing but bad things...
and then wonders why his life sucks?
Well, that was me. Every time somethin' good happened to me...
somethin' bad was always waitin' around the corner.
Karma.
That's when I realized I had to change.
So I made a list of everything bad I've ever done...
and, one by one, I'm gonna make up for all my mistakes.
I'm just tryin' to be a better person.
My name is Earl.
So how many times did this robot man hit you with that sign?
I don't know. I blacked out after about seven.
Still can't figure out why he took my boots.
Seems like a pointless crime.
Man, I wish I had robot legs.
Or robot hands. Robot hands would be cool.
With like, a knife finger, and a spoon finger, and a fork finger...
and a toothbrush finger, and a comb finger, and a bottle opener finger...
and a flashlight finger and a screwdriver finger.
But regular thumbs. You gotta have regular thumbs.
True.
So, you're gonna ask your father to run for this mayor thinger?
If he'll talk to me. We don't exactly have the best relationship.
[ Earl Narrating ] That's me-baby Earl. And that's my dad, Carl Hickey.
Typical dirty politicians. It's corrupt all the way to the-
Dag nab it, Kay! Point his dingle the other way!
He ruined my blueberry crumble.
My father was the kind of guy that was always frustrated with the world.
And as I grew older, he became more and more frustrated with me as well.
Well, Earl, what are you doing up so late, little fella?
Ooh! [ Groaning ]
Sorry, Rick. We're having him tested.
Whether it was getting behind Ford, McGovern...
Carter or the metric system, my father was always on the losing side of things.
Hell, even in his own castle, he wasn't king.
His own sons gave him less respect than the world did.
- [ Doorbell Rings ] - [ Kay ] Carl, get up.
The Goldbergs are here for dinner.
[ Groans ]
[ Both Chuckling ]
[ Earl Narrating ] As I grew older, my pranks got the attention of the authorities.
[ Siren Chirps ]
- Police! Freeze! - It ate my card.
But, as frustrated as he was with us, Dad came to bail us out.
Of course, bailing us out just gave us another opportunity to get into more trouble.
[ Siren Wailing ]
Drop it, or I'll shoot you in the face!
Uh, I locked my keys in my car.
But, as frustrated as he was, Dad bailed us out again.
And again.
But eventually Dad gave up on us.
Looks like you're in for the night.
- Was it my fault we got caught? - Of course it was your fault.
I was halfway down the block with the basket of money...
and you tripped over your damn dress.
I told you to go as a priest, but no, you thought it'd be funny to dress as a nun.
If you had just listened to me instead of worrying so much about trying to-
It's funny, isn't it. Is it funny?
- Yeah, it's funny. - I told you.
It's because I'm a man, but I'm dressed like a woman.
[ Earl Narrating ] I did a lot of things to disappoint my dad...
but it was something I did four years ago that hurt him the most.
If you are like me, you are always asking yourself...
"How can our children learn to putt when DC-10s strafe the fairway?"
Let's send those planes away from our fairways, away from nearby homes...
and over this blank spot, here.
Vote Marty Park for mayor.
Golf scores come down, home values go up!
[ Announcer] Paid for by Marty Park for mayor.
The blank spot is us. He's got planes flying over the blank spot, Kay.
The blank spot is us!
[ Earl Narrating ] My father was mad as hell...
and for the first time in his life...
he wasn't gonna leave it up to the politicians to change the world.
- He was gonna change it himself. - [ Woman ] All right, Carl.
- He decided to run for mayor. - [ Horns Honking ]
Back when I was married to Joy, she often filled the role of designated driver.
Of course, that didn't mean we stayed out of trouble.
[ Siren Wailing ]
What kind of idiot throws a beer can at a cop car?
Ma'am, I need you to get back in your vehicle.
If I lose my license because of you, I swear to God, Earl.
I need you to get back in your vehicle. I don't wanna use my Taser.
Oh, please. Put your little ray gun away.
- Shoot her. - No, no, don't. Don't shoot her.
- [ Randy ] Shoot her. - Get back in your vehicle, miss. I-I will tase you.
I wish you would tase me. I'll sue your ass so fast you'd-
[ Man ] For years, Carl Hickey's son has been a menace...
to the good people of Camden County, and now he's assaulting the police.
How can Carl Hickey raise our standard of living...
when he can't even raise his own son?
Paid for by Marty Park for mayor.
It was my dad's one chance in life to make a difference in the world, and I ruined it.
He's not gonna be able to sleep tonight.
I'm gonna have to crush up a little sleep aid in his pudding snack.
[ Earl Narrating ] He lost in a landslide.
Not only did I take away his chance of winning, I took away his will to fight.
I wasn't excited about going to see my folks.
I tried to get Randy to go with me, but just talking about it made him nervous.
So, after a few days, I decided to brave it alone.
[ Chattering ] And then I said-
Doris, I'm gonna call you back later.
- Hey, Mom. - You need money, Son? Is that it?
- No, I just wanna- - [ Carl ] Kay, who is it?
Uh, just the Mormons, Carl.
He's down on the Mormons, so you better scoot. I'll put $20 under the lawn goose.
No, I don't need money, Mom. I-
For the last time, boys, we already have a lord.
Dad, wait.
Look, I've changed. We need to talk.
- [ TVOn ] - Okay, we're starting supper.
I'll leave $30 under the goose and some PowerBars.
Look, I made a list of all the bad things I did, and I'm making up for them.
- Ruining your election is number 4. - What election?
- To be mayor. - Idiot, that was four years ago.
Why in purple heck would I want anything to do with politics now?
- [ Airplane Passing Overhead ] - [ Continues, Indistinct ]
...a lifetime of happiness.
I should have sold your worthless behind to the traveling circus.
But you could win. I'll help. You'll see, I've changed.
[ Woman On TV] Later in the week, a cold- [ Channel Changes ]
Dad?
[ Woman On TV] A quarter cup of the celery and carrot mixture there.
- [ Man On TV] Now do we dice- - So, this is it?
You never wanna see your sons again?
You've just completely written me and Randy right out of your life?
[ Toilet Flushes ]
- Randy? - No.
What's he doing here?
He's here every Sunday.
He told me he was in a regular poker game.
He is. He is, and we play for those little marshmallows.
Then when we're done, we divide them up and we put them in our cocoa.
- [ Door Opens ] - That way, everybody wins.
How come you hate me, but you'll gamble for marshmallows with Randy?
Well, there's a difference between you two.
See, one of you's bad and one of you's simple.
- And, Earl, you're bad. - What am I?
- Randy! - No.
- [ Carl ] Kay! - Uh, check under the goose. Twenty minutes.
No, uh, Mom, I don't need any money.
I'm sure your parents will forgive you eventually.
Your mom is sweet, and Carl has a very good heart.
- Have you been there too? - No.
- Are you mad at me? - I'm fine.
- Are you sure? - Just come in. I'm not mad at you.
What are you doing?
I'm entering Dad in the election whether he says he wants me to or not.
So you can cross him off your list?
It's about more than the list, Randy. I want him to see I've changed.
- I want us to be a family again. - That would be cool.
Plus, if Dad was mayor...
we'd get to wear top hats and sashes and judge beauty contests.
That's Monopoly, Randy.
No, th-that's not Monopoly.
[ Airplane Passing Overhead ]
Welcome to the candidates' debate for Camden city mayor.
Hi. I'm Rhonda Gibbs.
In this live broadcast...
incumbent Marty Park will be debating challenger Carl Hickey.
- What the heck? - My goodness, put a tape in.
- You're gonna be on TV. - I'm not running for mayor.
How the heck do they think I'm gonna debate if I'm sitting right here?
Filling in for Carl Hickey will be his son, Earl Hickey.
No, no, no, no.
My father is feeling a little under the weather.
Now don't embarrass me. Don't embarrass me.
[ Woman On TV] Nothing serious, I hope.
Uh, diarrhea.
I-I'm gonna get you a little ginger ale. That always helps your tummy.
[ Airplane Passing Overhead ]
And my administration's careful budget reallocation...
targeting our transportation infrastructure...
has already made Camden's streets and bridges the envy of this great state.
Mr. Hickey, your views on transportation infrastructure.
One time my dad made his own driveway sealer out of maple syrup and ground-up glass.
Randy tried it on pancakes. That's another story. But if you've got a minute, I'd like-
Will you get off the stage, you idiot.
Are you-Are you talking to me or him?
I'm talking to you, Earl. You're embarrassing us all.
Your moth- Hey, that's enough of that. Stop it. Stop! Stop it!
I told Carl those pants make his legs look stubby.
Okay, fine. Put this on TV.
Don't vote for me. I don't want to be mayor.
I ran four years ago to stop the jet planes from flying over...
but until he brought it up, I hadn't thought about the planes for ages.
I've gotten used to them. Everybody's gotten used to them. It's fine!
[ Earl Narrating ] He was right. People had gotten used to them, until now.
- [ Airplane Passing Overhead ] - Did you hear that, Doris? Uh, h-hold on.
Once Dad mentioned the jet noise on TV, people started to notice again.
- [ Airplane Passing Overhead ] - A lot of people.
[ Airplane Passing Overhead ]
All of a sudden, people started to notice the noise they had gotten used to.
[ Airplane Passing Overhead ]
I am gonna kick somebody's ass!
My dad's words had reminded people ofhow much they hated the airplanes.
So many people called my dad the next day that he decided to enter the election.
Thanks to me, he was once again fighting for what he believed in.
I'm Carl Hickey, and I need your vote.
- [ Airplane Passing Overhead ] - But I shouldn't have to shout over airplanes to get it.
[ Laughs ] Thank you.
Now don't misunderstand the cookie.
We like air travel. We just don't want planes flying over our heads.
It's all on the back of the cookie.
- Good morning. - Vote Hickey.
- Oh.
All right, way to go, Dad. We're gonna win this thing.
- Will you get the heck out of here? - What? Why?
I-I'm the reason you're running again. I wanna help.
I'm runnin' because the people asked me to, not because of your foolish behind. Scram.
- Dad, it's on my list. I need to help. - What list?
Dad, the photographer from the newspaper's here. We gotta hurry.
A chicken truck tipped over on the interstate.
- Put more spit on my cowlick so I look more mayor-like. -" Mayoral."
- Kay, please. That's three corrections today. - You're doing interviews.
- This is not your time to shine. This is my time to shine. - Mayoral.
- I know you're sensitive. - It's my time to shine.
- Mayor-like. Mayor-like. - Dad. Dad, look.
- What? - I've changed. All right? Just let me stay.
- I won't embarrass you. - What do you think you're doing right now, huh?
[ Man ] Keep up the good work.
Here you go, fella. I always like to help the homeless.
Don't spend it on booze!
- Dad. - Move along, hobo.
[ Earl Narrating ] Unfortunately, things were still bad between my dad and I...
and they were about to get worse.
- Dad's gonna lose. - What?
"Poll shows Carl Hickey is down by 2,000 votes among all registered voters."
See, he's gonna lose again, and blame me for getting him into it.
- What are registered voters? - People who sign up to vote, I guess.
- You and me should sign up. - He's down by more than two votes.
- Can I register to vote? - He's down by more than three votes, Catalina.
- Wait a second. - [ Earl Narrating ] And then it hit me.
There must be a ton of people who could vote for my dad, but just aren't registered.
A whole untapped market of uncaring, unregistered...
- and even unconscious voters out there. - [ Snoring ]
And I, Earl Hickey, could reach 'em.
Poor people. Uneducated people.
Undesirable people. People like me.
After almost no training, I became an official voter registrar.
Registering new voters was fun.
Jasmine. Savannah. I'd like to talk to you ladies about another kind of" pole."
- Felony or misdemeanor? - Misdemeanor.
Great. Can we talk?
If you register to vote, you'll finally have a voice.
[ Synthesized Voice ] Sign me up.
Fine, I'll sign up to vote if you take me to pick up the Subaru.
Squirrels moved in and chewed up the wires again.
- No problem. - All right.
Come on, Darnell. You can sign up too.
I'm already registered to vote.
- What? - Not that it matters.
Because until we reform the electoral college...
the popular votes will be ignored, and we'll keep electing presidents...
that only get a minority of the vote.
That must be some black stuff. I don't know what he's talking about.
Hey. How many of these things did you fill out?
Hopefully enough for my dad to win the election.
Hey, Randy. Take these, will you?
[ Earl ] Hold on to those, Randy.
[ Siren Wailing ]
Sir, I need you to get back in your vehicle.
No, no. I gotta pick up these sign-up slips. My dad's runnin'-
I need you to get back in your vehicle now.
Oh, my God.
[ Man ] How can Carl Hickey raise our standard of living...
when he can't even raise his own son?
Paid for by Marty Park for mayor.
[ Airplane Passing Overhead ]
[ Earl Narrating ] Once again, thanks to me, Dad lost in a landslide.
Yep, well, I crushed some allergy medicine in his lemonade...
but he's still all fired up.
Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot who I was calling.
We'll take, uh, a large pepperoni, and throw in some garlic knots.
That might cheer him up. Oh.
Dad?
Randy had all the papers in the back of the El Camino.
They-They just blew out everywhere. It's not my fault.
And I was just trying to pick 'em all up so you could win the election.
If you'll just sit down with me and look at my list.
See what I've done so far. Please?
Dad, uh, I'm trying to be a good person.
I-I know I've messed up in the past, but I've changed.
I promise.
I expect you to pay me back that bail money.
[ Door Closes, Engine Starts ]
- He bailed me out. - What?
He hasn't bailed me out in over six years.
He's comin' around, Randy. He's comin' around.
[ Earl Narrating ] I was foolish to think I could win back my father's respect...
by simply winning him the election.
I've spent my whole life causing him nothing but grief...
and it's gonna take some time before he believes that I've really changed.
I just have to keep doing what I'm doing and maybe one day...
I cross enough things off my list, Dad'll be proud of me.
You know, I ran into John Sheppard down the street.
He said Earl came by and paid for a window he broke 15 years ago.
- Really? - Yep.
[ Airplane Passing Overhead ]
I got it.
- Hey, Earl? - Yeah, Randy?
If you could be any kind of animal in the whole world...
what animal would you be?
A dog. I think I'd be a dog.
- How come? - 'Cause I like living inside and sitting on couches.
Most people let their dogs live inside and sit on couches.
How about a cat? People let their cats live inside and sit on couches.
I'm allergic to cats. I wouldn't wanna go around making myself sneeze.
Yeah.
Why, what kind of animal would you be if you could be any animal in the whole world?
I was gonna say monkey, but you make a good point about the couch.
- Good night. - Good night.
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