1 00:00:02,068 --> 00:00:05,162 You know the kind of guy who does nothing but bad things... 2 00:00:05,271 --> 00:00:07,205 and then wonders why his life sucks? 3 00:00:07,307 --> 00:00:11,539 Well, that was me. Every time somethin' good happened to me... 4 00:00:11,644 --> 00:00:14,112 somethin' bad was always waitin' around the corner. 5 00:00:16,282 --> 00:00:17,579 Karma. 6 00:00:17,684 --> 00:00:19,982 That's when I realized I had to change. 7 00:00:21,421 --> 00:00:23,889 So I made a list of everything bad I've ever done... 8 00:00:23,990 --> 00:00:26,959 and, one by one, I'm gonna make up for all my mistakes. 9 00:00:27,060 --> 00:00:29,028 I'm just tryin' to be a better person. 10 00:00:29,129 --> 00:00:31,689 My name is Earl. 11 00:00:34,501 --> 00:00:36,935 [ Earl Narrating ] Number 203 on my list- 12 00:00:37,037 --> 00:00:41,235 stole various snacks and drinks from the local Quick Stop. 13 00:00:41,341 --> 00:00:43,741 Of course, that was before I turned my life around. 14 00:00:43,843 --> 00:00:46,937 Luckily, Randy still had a stealing jacket... 15 00:00:47,047 --> 00:00:49,538 and we had no problem sneaking the stuffback in. 16 00:00:52,852 --> 00:00:54,843 All right. Well, I guess I can cross this one off. 17 00:00:54,954 --> 00:00:59,288 Hold on a second. I gotta put these back in the little hot dog Ferris wheel. 18 00:01:00,693 --> 00:01:03,389 Oh, my God! 19 00:01:03,496 --> 00:01:05,862 - What are you doin'? - Natalie Duckworth is over there. 20 00:01:05,965 --> 00:01:08,456 - Who? - Natalie Duckworth, number 84. 21 00:01:08,568 --> 00:01:13,232 [ Earl Narrating ] About seven years ago, the Crab Shack was rented out for a biker party. 22 00:01:13,339 --> 00:01:16,968 No one hassled me at the door, so I came in and learned a new phrase- 23 00:01:17,077 --> 00:01:18,977 open bar. 24 00:01:21,481 --> 00:01:24,211 - Beer, please. - Make it two. 25 00:01:33,059 --> 00:01:37,155 [ Earl Narrating ] I decided then and there that I did, in fact, wanna ride. 26 00:01:37,263 --> 00:01:40,061 - After what some might call a few too many beers- - Yeah, mama! 27 00:01:40,166 --> 00:01:43,226 we went back to her house and had a really good time in the dark. 28 00:01:43,336 --> 00:01:45,463 Then it got light, fast. 29 00:01:45,572 --> 00:01:47,802 Wake up, sleepyhead. 30 00:01:49,275 --> 00:01:50,435 What? 31 00:01:51,978 --> 00:01:54,310 That was some costume party last night, wasn't it? 32 00:01:54,414 --> 00:01:56,382 What? 33 00:01:58,218 --> 00:02:00,652 My God. 34 00:02:02,856 --> 00:02:05,848 Whoops. My temporary tattoo rubbed off on you. 35 00:02:08,394 --> 00:02:13,263 Wow. I've never brought a guy right home before. This is wild, huh? 36 00:02:13,366 --> 00:02:16,460 So, what do you wanna do today? Do you wanna go to the park? 37 00:02:16,569 --> 00:02:19,436 Oh, my God. You know what would be great? 38 00:02:19,539 --> 00:02:22,269 - The farmer's market. - The who's what? 39 00:02:27,447 --> 00:02:31,383 [ Earl Narrating ] We were not cut from the same cloth. 40 00:02:31,484 --> 00:02:34,976 But no matter how different we were, there was one thing we both liked. 41 00:02:35,088 --> 00:02:38,683 [ Giggling ] 42 00:02:38,791 --> 00:02:41,021 Besides, I didn't wanna run out on her. 43 00:02:41,127 --> 00:02:44,028 - She had been hurt before. - This is Ted. 44 00:02:44,130 --> 00:02:46,030 He left me for a stripper. 45 00:02:46,132 --> 00:02:51,331 That's a lock of his hair, and that's a lock of the stripper's hair. 46 00:02:51,437 --> 00:02:57,205 That's a lock of my sister's hair, which leads us to John. 47 00:02:57,310 --> 00:03:00,302 [ Earl Narrating ] Even though I took home a Harley and ended up with a moped... 48 00:03:00,413 --> 00:03:02,313 I decided to give it a shot. 49 00:03:02,415 --> 00:03:05,179 I mean, why not? She was cute and had a satellite... 50 00:03:05,285 --> 00:03:07,480 that sent kung fu movies from space. 51 00:03:07,587 --> 00:03:11,887 - Ooh. - It's a beautiful day out. 52 00:03:11,991 --> 00:03:16,655 - Let's go for a hike. - I was gonna watch this kung fu movie. 53 00:03:16,763 --> 00:03:18,822 [ Karate Yells On TV] 54 00:03:18,932 --> 00:03:22,026 [ Karate Yell ] 55 00:03:22,135 --> 00:03:24,069 [ Laughs ] Come on. 56 00:03:24,170 --> 00:03:26,104 "Pwease" go for a hike with me. 57 00:03:26,206 --> 00:03:28,697 Mmm. 58 00:03:28,808 --> 00:03:31,902 [ Earl Narrating ] I tried to seem interested in the same things she was... 59 00:03:32,011 --> 00:03:34,912 but it just didn't come natural to me. 60 00:03:35,014 --> 00:03:38,882 Look, an Anthemis tinctoria! 61 00:03:38,985 --> 00:03:42,250 Wow, look at the size of that dog turd next to it. 62 00:03:44,857 --> 00:03:46,757 [ Exhales Forcefully ] 63 00:03:46,859 --> 00:03:51,421 - [ Earl Narrating ] She wanted me to do arts and crafts. - It's called papier-mache. 64 00:03:51,531 --> 00:03:55,592 Somehow she figured out a way to make newspapers even more boring. 65 00:03:55,702 --> 00:03:58,136 Oh, "wook," someone's fingers are all sticky-wicky. 66 00:04:01,975 --> 00:04:04,876 - She even made me go on picnics. - So we just sit here? 67 00:04:04,978 --> 00:04:07,037 Well, we're gonna eat in a while. 68 00:04:07,146 --> 00:04:09,876 What do we do until then? 69 00:04:09,983 --> 00:04:15,285 - Just sit, talk. - You know, we passed a Denny's. 70 00:04:15,388 --> 00:04:18,152 [ Earl Narrating ] Before I knew it, we had been dating for a whole month. 71 00:04:18,258 --> 00:04:20,158 When her parents came out to visit... 72 00:04:20,260 --> 00:04:22,455 and we all got our faces lasered in crystal... 73 00:04:22,562 --> 00:04:24,462 I knew things were gettin' too serious. 74 00:04:24,564 --> 00:04:26,794 I had to get out. 75 00:04:26,899 --> 00:04:31,336 And I didn't wanna hurt her feelings, so I figured there was only one thing to do. 76 00:04:37,543 --> 00:04:40,307 Earl's dead. He was lost at sea. 77 00:04:40,413 --> 00:04:42,779 This is all they found of him. I thought you'd want it. 78 00:04:46,786 --> 00:04:48,811 [ Earl Narrating ] I realize now that faking your death... 79 00:04:48,921 --> 00:04:51,287 to break up with someone is not exactly thoughtful. 80 00:04:51,391 --> 00:04:55,293 It's time to find a way to cross her off the list. 81 00:05:05,371 --> 00:05:07,339 You look like that little monkey in E. T. 82 00:05:07,440 --> 00:05:11,035 Shh. 83 00:05:11,144 --> 00:05:14,079 - You faked your death? - I didn't wanna hurt her feelings. 84 00:05:14,180 --> 00:05:16,273 This woman is very fragile. 85 00:05:16,382 --> 00:05:18,407 Very needy, clingy and fragile. 86 00:05:18,518 --> 00:05:21,214 Here. Put some more baby's breath in there. 87 00:05:21,321 --> 00:05:24,882 It fills in the gaps with neutral coloring. 88 00:05:24,991 --> 00:05:27,050 [ Earl Narrating ] It's funny how the brain sucks things up. 89 00:05:27,160 --> 00:05:30,027 One summer, Randy worked at a florist for almost 10 minutes. 90 00:05:30,129 --> 00:05:32,393 I'm gonna put in some more baby's breath. 91 00:05:32,498 --> 00:05:34,898 - It fills in the gaps with neutral coloring. - [ Squeaking ] 92 00:05:35,001 --> 00:05:38,732 Ma'am, are these vases always gonna make that sound when I'm drying them? 93 00:05:38,838 --> 00:05:41,204 The squeaking makes my toes hurt. 94 00:05:41,307 --> 00:05:44,208 You can't just tell a girl you faked your death to get away from her. 95 00:05:44,310 --> 00:05:47,074 - She'll be devastated. - I have to tell her. It's on my list. 96 00:05:47,180 --> 00:05:50,149 I lied to her, and the only way I can cross it off is if I tell her the truth. 97 00:05:50,249 --> 00:05:52,809 So, what is more important, your list or someone's feelings? 98 00:05:52,919 --> 00:05:55,513 - I don't know. My list? - No. 99 00:05:55,621 --> 00:05:57,521 Feelings. I bet it's feelings. 100 00:05:57,623 --> 00:06:00,057 Look, I- I have to tell her. She almost saw me today... 101 00:06:00,159 --> 00:06:02,059 and I'm not gonna hide in another refrigerator. 102 00:06:02,161 --> 00:06:05,528 Earl, if you really need to tell her, at least say it was because of you. 103 00:06:05,631 --> 00:06:08,498 - Say you weren't good enough for her. - That's another lie. 104 00:06:08,601 --> 00:06:11,399 But it's a good lie, to protect her. 105 00:06:11,504 --> 00:06:13,563 Maybe you should listen to Catalina. 106 00:06:13,673 --> 00:06:15,800 She's a woman just like Natalie. 107 00:06:15,908 --> 00:06:17,808 They're both women, her and Natalie. 108 00:06:17,910 --> 00:06:20,344 You and I are men. We're not women. 109 00:06:20,446 --> 00:06:23,540 [ Earl Narrating ] Sometimes Randy takes a long road to a simple thought. 110 00:06:23,649 --> 00:06:26,174 You see, men think different than women. 111 00:06:26,285 --> 00:06:28,276 You and I think different than Natalie and Catalina... 112 00:06:28,388 --> 00:06:30,288 cause we're men and they're women. 113 00:06:31,791 --> 00:06:33,782 I'm right, right? I-I'm not wrong. 114 00:06:33,893 --> 00:06:36,191 - Am I wrong? - No. 115 00:06:38,831 --> 00:06:40,731 [ Earl Narrating ] Randy's long thought was right. 116 00:06:40,833 --> 00:06:43,267 Catalina seemed to know a lot more about women than I did... 117 00:06:43,369 --> 00:06:45,929 so I decided to take her advice. 118 00:06:46,038 --> 00:06:48,006 [ Knocking ] 119 00:06:50,143 --> 00:06:53,374 - [ Gasps ] - Surprise. 120 00:06:53,479 --> 00:06:55,606 - [ Screaming ] - [ Screaming ] 121 00:06:57,216 --> 00:06:59,582 [ Screaming Continues ] 122 00:06:59,685 --> 00:07:02,381 Whoa! 123 00:07:02,488 --> 00:07:05,582 That was just like in E. T. when that little girl first saw the monkey. 124 00:07:10,128 --> 00:07:12,790 You see, it wasn't you. It was- It was me. 125 00:07:12,897 --> 00:07:17,425 I pretended to be dead because I was afraid I wasn't good enough for ya. 126 00:07:18,703 --> 00:07:22,503 I mourned you for months. I kept your shirt. 127 00:07:22,607 --> 00:07:26,771 I even made a papier-mache bust of you to wear it. 128 00:07:32,083 --> 00:07:36,019 Ah, very nice. Very detailed. 129 00:07:36,120 --> 00:07:42,025 See, it was that kind of perfection in your life that made me feel inadequate. 130 00:07:42,126 --> 00:07:45,289 It was that kind of perfection in your life that made him feel inadequate. 131 00:07:45,396 --> 00:07:50,299 They turned you into a mushroom. Are you all right? Talk to me. 132 00:07:50,401 --> 00:07:53,165 I just wished you would've said something. 133 00:07:53,271 --> 00:07:55,398 Why wouldn't you just tell me? 134 00:07:55,506 --> 00:07:57,974 I mean, what does that say about me? 135 00:07:58,075 --> 00:08:00,703 No, n-nothing. It doesn't say anything about you. 136 00:08:00,812 --> 00:08:04,043 It's not your fault. You're-You're perfect. 137 00:08:04,148 --> 00:08:06,173 I'm the one. It was me. 138 00:08:06,284 --> 00:08:10,015 - [ Door Opens ] - Sorry I'm late, sweetie. I hit the gym. 139 00:08:10,121 --> 00:08:13,249 Took the fast train to ab town. 140 00:08:17,128 --> 00:08:19,221 - Are you being robbed? - No. 141 00:08:19,330 --> 00:08:22,231 This is my ex-boyfriend Earl. 142 00:08:22,333 --> 00:08:25,962 - The one with the stripper? - No, I'm- I'm the dead one. 143 00:08:27,104 --> 00:08:29,732 Are these candies free? 144 00:08:35,313 --> 00:08:39,249 Thanks for telling me the truth. It makes me feel better knowing you're alive. 145 00:08:39,350 --> 00:08:41,580 I just wanted to make sure you were happy. 146 00:08:41,686 --> 00:08:45,247 I'm glad you found Dirk. He seems perfect for you. 147 00:08:45,356 --> 00:08:49,520 Thanks. We only met three weeks ago, but we just clicked. 148 00:08:49,627 --> 00:08:52,596 That's great. Good for you. 149 00:08:52,697 --> 00:08:55,666 - Well, I should, uh- - Oh, wait a sec. 150 00:08:59,804 --> 00:09:03,706 I want you to have this. I'm glad you're not dead. 151 00:09:05,810 --> 00:09:08,244 Good-bye, little fella. 152 00:09:10,481 --> 00:09:14,417 [ High-pitched Voice ] Good-bye, Natalie. Thanks for making me. 153 00:09:15,553 --> 00:09:18,113 - [ Kisses ] - Oh. 154 00:09:20,558 --> 00:09:24,050 - All righty. I'll see you later. - Bye. 155 00:09:26,097 --> 00:09:29,658 [ Earl Narrating ] I was feeling pretty good about Natalie and how we left things. 156 00:09:29,767 --> 00:09:35,296 And the me made of wet newspaper added a nice decorative touch to the room. 157 00:09:35,406 --> 00:09:39,570 Randy, have you seen the pen? I need to cross Natalie off my list. 158 00:09:39,677 --> 00:09:43,443 Nope. Catalina, how often do you clean the bedspreads? 159 00:09:43,548 --> 00:09:46,540 I don't know. I've only worked here for a year. 160 00:09:46,651 --> 00:09:49,051 [ Knocking ] 161 00:09:50,621 --> 00:09:53,112 - Dirk is gone. [ Sobbing ] - What? 162 00:09:53,224 --> 00:09:55,124 Dirk is gone! 163 00:10:00,398 --> 00:10:03,026 [ Earl Narrating ] When we got Natalie calmed down, she explained... 164 00:10:03,134 --> 00:10:06,365 that something terrible had happened to Dirk. 165 00:10:06,470 --> 00:10:10,907 The police found his car in the woods with blood in it... 166 00:10:11,008 --> 00:10:13,442 and they think he might have been killed. 167 00:10:13,544 --> 00:10:15,808 [ Squeaking Sobs ] 168 00:10:15,913 --> 00:10:19,815 Earl, is she gonna keep squeaking like that? It's making my toes hurt. 169 00:10:21,285 --> 00:10:24,982 Uh, just uh- sit here and- and- and try to calm down. 170 00:10:25,089 --> 00:10:28,525 - I'll get you something to drink. - Okay. Thanks. 171 00:10:35,066 --> 00:10:37,193 [ Dirk ] Oh, yeah, feel that. 172 00:10:37,301 --> 00:10:39,826 How do you like that rock-hard candy, huh? 173 00:10:39,937 --> 00:10:43,896 - Dirk? - Hey, Earl. 174 00:10:44,008 --> 00:10:45,976 Don't tell me your hooker works here too. 175 00:10:46,077 --> 00:10:51,140 - You're supposed to be dead. - Well, yeah, I know. 176 00:10:51,248 --> 00:10:53,409 Thanks for the idea. Boy, just in time. 177 00:10:53,517 --> 00:10:57,476 I was about to build a noose out of papier-mache and hang myself at a picnic. 178 00:10:57,588 --> 00:11:00,648 [ Natalie ] Earl. 179 00:11:00,758 --> 00:11:03,852 - Hey. - I'm just gonna go home. 180 00:11:03,961 --> 00:11:07,260 - It's probably best if I wait there in case the police come. - [ Dirk, Muted ] 181 00:11:07,365 --> 00:11:10,300 - [ Bangs On Door] - Yeah, that's, uh, probably a good idea. 182 00:11:10,401 --> 00:11:12,961 - Yeah. - Okay, right there. You found it. 183 00:11:13,070 --> 00:11:15,334 Okay, a little less pressure. 184 00:11:16,841 --> 00:11:20,743 - Whew! - I can't believe Dirk faked his death too. 185 00:11:20,845 --> 00:11:24,906 He got the idea from me. That's why karma wouldn't let me find a pen and cross her off. 186 00:11:25,016 --> 00:11:28,247 - I'm not done. - Are you gonna tell her that he's alive? 187 00:11:28,352 --> 00:11:30,752 She thinks he's dead, but he's not. He's not dead. 188 00:11:30,855 --> 00:11:33,483 He's living. He's alive. He's not dead like she thinks he is. 189 00:11:33,591 --> 00:11:35,491 I think I should tell her, right? 190 00:11:35,593 --> 00:11:38,323 You can't tell a girl two men faked their deaths to get away from her. 191 00:11:38,429 --> 00:11:41,523 - It will crush her spirit. - What am I supposed to do then? 192 00:11:41,632 --> 00:11:44,567 She's very upset. She's been through a lot, she thinks. 193 00:11:44,669 --> 00:11:46,569 So be her friend and comfort her. 194 00:11:46,671 --> 00:11:50,539 Maybe if a man is nice to her for a change, it will build up her confidence. 195 00:11:50,641 --> 00:11:53,872 - Trust me. I'm a woman. - She's right, Earl. 196 00:11:53,978 --> 00:11:57,505 She is a woman, and we're men. You remember how we talked about that. 197 00:11:57,615 --> 00:12:00,584 Yeah, I got it, Randy. Thanks. 198 00:12:02,219 --> 00:12:04,710 [ Earl Narrating ] The first few days ofhanging out with Natalie... 199 00:12:04,822 --> 00:12:06,722 all she did was wait for the phone to ring. 200 00:12:06,824 --> 00:12:10,055 Since I knew it wasn't gonna, I thought I should get her out of the house. 201 00:12:10,161 --> 00:12:12,356 Who's up for a hike? 202 00:12:13,698 --> 00:12:16,758 - Come on. You love hikes. - Mmm. 203 00:12:25,009 --> 00:12:26,909 "Pwease" go on a hike with me. 204 00:12:30,381 --> 00:12:32,281 "Otay." 205 00:12:34,985 --> 00:12:36,885 See? Hiking. 206 00:12:36,987 --> 00:12:40,821 Huh? This is fun. I like going uphill. 207 00:12:40,925 --> 00:12:42,984 I wish we could go uphill on the way back. 208 00:12:43,094 --> 00:12:46,427 [ Earl Narrating ] All I had to do was seem interested in the things she liked doing... 209 00:12:46,530 --> 00:12:48,657 and she started to cheer up. 210 00:12:48,766 --> 00:12:50,757 Hiking turned into arts and crafts. 211 00:12:50,868 --> 00:12:54,668 I started to, uh, make you a magical fairy... 212 00:12:54,772 --> 00:12:59,038 but I ended up with, uh, a magical clump. 213 00:12:59,143 --> 00:13:02,237 Thanks. It's a very nice clump. 214 00:13:03,681 --> 00:13:07,139 I'll name him Alexander. Alexander the Clump. 215 00:13:07,251 --> 00:13:09,811 Or Pepe. How about Pepe the Clump? 216 00:13:11,088 --> 00:13:14,182 - I don't get it. Why Pepe? - Oh, Pepe's a name. 217 00:13:14,291 --> 00:13:16,555 I think it's Mexican. 218 00:13:16,660 --> 00:13:20,494 Jose, Rodrigo, Pepe. Yeah, it's Mexican. 219 00:13:20,598 --> 00:13:23,158 [ Earl Narrating ] Papier-machein' turned into picnickin'. 220 00:13:23,267 --> 00:13:26,862 For smelling like feet, this cheese is pretty damn good. 221 00:13:27,972 --> 00:13:30,702 - I love you. - What? 222 00:13:30,808 --> 00:13:33,208 [ Earl Narrating ] Then our picnic somehow turned into a relationship. 223 00:13:33,310 --> 00:13:36,768 I don't ever want you to think you're not good enough for me again. 224 00:13:36,881 --> 00:13:41,614 You're perfect for me. My little butterfly flew away, but he came back. 225 00:13:41,719 --> 00:13:43,619 He came back. 226 00:13:43,721 --> 00:13:47,213 [ Earl Narrating ] And like a butterfly, I too was trapped. 227 00:13:47,324 --> 00:13:52,125 But instead of a net, I was caught by a crazy girl wiping her nose on me. 228 00:14:01,505 --> 00:14:03,803 - She told me she loves me. - What? 229 00:14:03,908 --> 00:14:06,968 I was nice to her like you told me to, and she told me she loved me. 230 00:14:07,077 --> 00:14:09,739 She even rubbed her nose against mine, real soft. 231 00:14:09,847 --> 00:14:12,645 What'd that feel like? 232 00:14:12,750 --> 00:14:14,843 It tickled for a second, but then it itched. 233 00:14:14,952 --> 00:14:17,216 You must have been too nice to her. 234 00:14:17,321 --> 00:14:19,721 Too nice? You didn't tell me how nice to be to her. 235 00:14:19,824 --> 00:14:22,418 You just told me to be nice. She thinks we're back together. 236 00:14:22,526 --> 00:14:26,622 Hey, Earl, is there a condom machine around here? 237 00:14:26,730 --> 00:14:31,167 - No, Dirk. - Hey, what are these? 238 00:14:31,268 --> 00:14:35,500 - Shower caps. - That could work. 239 00:14:35,606 --> 00:14:38,837 Hey, Earl, you want me to tell Natalie you're dead again? 240 00:14:38,943 --> 00:14:42,276 - You can't do that. - What am I supposed to do then, huh? 241 00:14:42,379 --> 00:14:45,348 I don't wanna hurt her feelings, but how am I supposed to get rid of her? 242 00:14:45,449 --> 00:14:47,542 She's been kicked around by men her whole life. 243 00:14:47,651 --> 00:14:50,279 You have to give her the power. Let her break up with you. 244 00:14:50,387 --> 00:14:53,686 She won't do that. Thanks to you, I'm her nature-hiking... 245 00:14:53,791 --> 00:14:57,352 papier-macheing, soft-nose-rubbing butterfly in shining armor. 246 00:14:57,461 --> 00:15:00,396 So change. Be a bad boyfriend. 247 00:15:00,497 --> 00:15:03,125 Bad boyfriend? It's not that easy. 248 00:15:03,234 --> 00:15:06,032 Being mean goes against everything I stand for these days. 249 00:15:07,404 --> 00:15:10,202 Hey, Catalina, the mouse catcher's full again. 250 00:15:10,307 --> 00:15:12,468 [ Earl Narrating ] I knew being a bad guy was gonna be hard... 251 00:15:12,576 --> 00:15:16,512 but since Catalina said it was for Natalie's own good, I gave it my all. 252 00:15:16,614 --> 00:15:20,311 - Hey, look at the pretty yellow flowers. - Aw. 253 00:15:24,054 --> 00:15:26,955 Happy Fourth of July! 254 00:15:28,592 --> 00:15:30,753 Check it out. I made your bust. 255 00:15:30,861 --> 00:15:34,262 I upped you a cup. You're welcome. 256 00:15:39,403 --> 00:15:41,371 Aahh! 257 00:15:41,472 --> 00:15:45,465 Excuse me. [ Grunting ] 258 00:15:45,576 --> 00:15:47,476 [ Belching ] 259 00:15:47,578 --> 00:15:50,706 - [ Zipper Unzipping ] - Honey, you think it might be better... 260 00:15:50,814 --> 00:15:52,941 to relieve yourself a little farther away from the blanket? 261 00:15:53,050 --> 00:15:54,847 Nah. 262 00:15:56,921 --> 00:15:59,151 [ Earl Narrating ] This poor girl was so insecure... 263 00:15:59,256 --> 00:16:01,156 there wasn't anything she wouldn't put up with. 264 00:16:03,594 --> 00:16:06,119 Did you throw away my junk? 265 00:16:06,230 --> 00:16:08,790 [ Earl Narrating ] Nothing worked, and I was running out of ideas... 266 00:16:08,899 --> 00:16:12,767 so Catalina agreed to help me put an end to the whole thing once and for all. 267 00:16:12,870 --> 00:16:15,930 [ Earl ] Come in. Oh, yeah, mama! 268 00:16:16,040 --> 00:16:19,498 - [ Grunting, Laughing ] - Earl, what's going on? 269 00:16:20,978 --> 00:16:23,538 Oh, just blowing off a little steam, having a good time. 270 00:16:23,647 --> 00:16:26,480 Can't a guy have a party around here without getting hassled? 271 00:16:26,583 --> 00:16:28,949 Pssh! Get off my back. 272 00:16:29,053 --> 00:16:32,648 - [ Catalina Giggling ] - You're right, Earl. Sorry for interrupting. 273 00:16:32,756 --> 00:16:34,656 Just have fun and call me when you're done. 274 00:16:36,827 --> 00:16:39,455 "Call me when you're done"? I'm in bed with another woman. 275 00:16:39,563 --> 00:16:42,191 - Don't you wanna slap me? - Do you want me to? 276 00:16:42,299 --> 00:16:44,290 Oh! 277 00:16:44,401 --> 00:16:46,301 Natalie, this is not working. 278 00:16:46,403 --> 00:16:48,303 Remember when I said it wasn't you, it was me? 279 00:16:48,405 --> 00:16:51,238 Well, it's not me, it's you. It's all you. 280 00:16:51,342 --> 00:16:53,572 - Earl- - No, no, no, no. I'm done listening to you. 281 00:16:53,677 --> 00:16:56,874 You're just as crazy as she is. 282 00:16:56,981 --> 00:17:00,644 The truth is, you're clingy, you're a doormat, you have no self-respect. 283 00:17:00,751 --> 00:17:04,084 That's why guys wanna leave you. They have to get away from you. 284 00:17:04,188 --> 00:17:06,486 That's why I'm trying to get you to break up with me now. 285 00:17:09,126 --> 00:17:13,529 Oh, yeah? Well, maybe it is you, because Dirk didn't think I was a doormat. 286 00:17:13,630 --> 00:17:16,531 He didn't wanna leave me. He loved me for who I am. 287 00:17:19,336 --> 00:17:22,032 [ Gasps ] 288 00:17:30,981 --> 00:17:33,176 Hey, Earl. 289 00:17:33,283 --> 00:17:35,615 Are there no other motels in this town? 290 00:17:35,719 --> 00:17:38,244 Well, that went well. 291 00:17:38,355 --> 00:17:41,051 I know I was hard on her, but she needed to hear the truth. 292 00:17:41,158 --> 00:17:43,456 And when she's over being upset... 293 00:17:43,560 --> 00:17:46,222 it's gonna make her a better person for the rest of her life. 294 00:17:46,330 --> 00:17:49,265 [ Earl Narrating ] As it turned out, the rest ofher life wasn't that long. 295 00:17:49,433 --> 00:17:53,096 Sadly, Natalie's parents told me she was so distraught over yet... 296 00:17:53,203 --> 00:17:56,468 another relationship ending that she took her own life. 297 00:17:56,573 --> 00:17:59,542 [ Woman Sobbing ] 298 00:18:03,213 --> 00:18:06,046 [ All Gasping ] 299 00:18:08,318 --> 00:18:11,151 Yes, yes, yes! Who's the joke on now, Earl Hickey? 300 00:18:11,255 --> 00:18:13,485 - Who's the joke on now? - Me? 301 00:18:13,590 --> 00:18:16,821 That's right. Y-O-U. How does it feel, huh? 302 00:18:16,927 --> 00:18:19,987 -How does it feel to think someone's dead? -Crappy? 303 00:18:20,097 --> 00:18:24,727 Crappy's right. That's exactly how you made me feel, Earl, twice. 304 00:18:24,835 --> 00:18:28,236 [ Earl Narrating ] It turned out that Catalina and I were both kinda right. 305 00:18:28,338 --> 00:18:31,830 - By being honest with Natalie, I made her mad. - [ Grunts ] 306 00:18:31,942 --> 00:18:34,308 That anger gave her the idea to fake her death, and by doing that... 307 00:18:34,411 --> 00:18:38,347 she finally got to leave a relationship with the power that Catalina said she needed. 308 00:18:38,449 --> 00:18:41,316 Natalie had finally stood up for herself, and I admired her for that. 309 00:18:41,418 --> 00:18:44,012 Although her parents had a different opinion. 310 00:18:44,121 --> 00:18:48,581 You could have at least told us you were faking! 311 00:18:48,692 --> 00:18:52,253 - It had to seem real, Mom. Lighten up. - [ Murmuring ] 312 00:18:52,362 --> 00:18:54,922 Oh, she's alive! [ Yelling ] 313 00:18:55,032 --> 00:18:57,796 [ Earl Narrating ] Clearly, Natalie had finally found her backbone. 314 00:18:57,901 --> 00:19:02,201 And as I had hoped, it carried on past her funeral and into the rest ofher life. 315 00:19:02,306 --> 00:19:05,605 Hey, Dirk, I'm still getting your mail. 316 00:19:07,978 --> 00:19:11,277 It's from the clinic. Somebody got themselves an S.T.D. 317 00:19:11,381 --> 00:19:13,941 - I can deal with that. - Turn the page. 318 00:19:16,887 --> 00:19:21,620 Aw, crap! Damn shower caps. 319 00:19:21,725 --> 00:19:24,455 [ Earl Narrating ] Her newfound confidence even let her finally showcase... 320 00:19:24,561 --> 00:19:26,654 her wet newspaper art in a public setting. 321 00:19:37,241 --> 00:19:43,180 [ Earl Narrating ] And because I'd earned it, karma finally let me find a pen. 322 00:20:06,270 --> 00:20:08,761 It was nice to see Natalie so happy, wasn't it? 323 00:20:08,872 --> 00:20:11,841 Yeah. I'm glad she's not dead anymore. 324 00:20:11,942 --> 00:20:14,467 Being dead is definitely worse than being alive. 325 00:20:14,578 --> 00:20:16,705 When you're dead, you can't do all the cool stuff... 326 00:20:16,813 --> 00:20:18,713 you can do when you're alive. 327 00:20:18,815 --> 00:20:22,478 You and I, we can do all kinds of cool stuff, cause we're living. 328 00:20:22,586 --> 00:20:24,645 We're not dead. We're alive. 329 00:20:24,755 --> 00:20:27,747 If we were dead, we wouldn't be able to do all the cool stuff... 330 00:20:27,858 --> 00:20:30,122 we can do because we're alive. 331 00:20:30,227 --> 00:20:32,286 Dead people can't do cool stuff. 332 00:20:32,396 --> 00:20:36,162 Only people that are alive can do cool stuff, because they're living... 333 00:20:36,266 --> 00:20:39,133 and you have to be living to be able to do cool stuff. 334 00:20:39,236 --> 00:20:42,296 You have to be alive. 335 00:20:42,406 --> 00:20:46,775 Yeah, except when you're alive, sometimes bad stuff happens too. 336 00:20:46,877 --> 00:20:50,176 Like, sometimes you can get in a car wreck or you can have a headache... 337 00:20:50,280 --> 00:20:53,215 or twist your ankle or even stub your big toe. 338 00:20:53,317 --> 00:20:55,376 So being alive's kinda hard too... 339 00:20:55,485 --> 00:20:58,215 but I think it's definitely better than being "a-dead." 0 00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00 www.tvsubtitles.net