1 00:00:02,102 --> 00:00:05,367 You know the kind of guy who does nothing but bad things... 2 00:00:05,472 --> 00:00:07,406 and then wonders why his life sucks? 3 00:00:07,507 --> 00:00:11,739 Well, that was me. Every time somethin' good happened to me... 4 00:00:11,845 --> 00:00:14,313 somethin' bad was always waitin' around the corner. 5 00:00:16,483 --> 00:00:17,780 Karma. 6 00:00:17,884 --> 00:00:20,182 That's when I realized I had to change. 7 00:00:21,621 --> 00:00:24,089 So I made a list of everything bad I've ever done... 8 00:00:24,190 --> 00:00:27,159 and, one by one, I'm gonna make up for all my mistakes. 9 00:00:27,260 --> 00:00:29,228 I'm just tryin'to be a better person. 10 00:00:29,329 --> 00:00:31,889 My name is Earl. 11 00:00:33,333 --> 00:00:35,233 The tough thing about having a list... 12 00:00:35,335 --> 00:00:37,735 of over 200 things you've done wrong to people... 13 00:00:37,837 --> 00:00:41,204 is choosing which one you're gonna make up for next. 14 00:00:41,307 --> 00:00:43,366 Should I do number 73- 15 00:00:43,476 --> 00:00:46,377 always took a penny, never left a penny? 16 00:00:53,319 --> 00:00:55,879 Count that up and see if I've got any change coming back. 17 00:00:57,490 --> 00:00:59,685 [ Earl Narrating ] Or should it be number 86- 18 00:00:59,793 --> 00:01:02,353 stole a car from a one-legged girl? 19 00:01:03,563 --> 00:01:06,396 You said you loved me! 20 00:01:06,499 --> 00:01:08,467 [ Ricochet ] 21 00:01:12,238 --> 00:01:15,139 [ Earl Narrating ] Or should I tackle one of the many things on the list... 22 00:01:15,241 --> 00:01:17,141 that involve my ex-wife, Joy? 23 00:01:19,079 --> 00:01:23,539 I still can't believe that son of a bitch won the lottery right after I divorced him. 24 00:01:23,650 --> 00:01:25,550 Half that money should be mine. 25 00:01:25,652 --> 00:01:27,552 Look at my bicep when I do this. 26 00:01:27,654 --> 00:01:29,986 See how it pop out right there on the side? 27 00:01:30,090 --> 00:01:31,990 That's new. 28 00:01:32,092 --> 00:01:34,117 I'm gonna get me that money. 29 00:01:39,699 --> 00:01:42,497 - What's this? - I got you something to help you with your list. 30 00:01:42,602 --> 00:01:45,400 It's a quit smoking tape. Remember number 102- 31 00:01:45,505 --> 00:01:48,474 harmed and possibly killed people with second-hand smoke. 32 00:01:49,943 --> 00:01:52,673 Oh, yeah. Where'd you get it? It's got jelly on it. 33 00:01:52,779 --> 00:01:55,771 I showed Catalina where the good yard sales are. 34 00:01:55,882 --> 00:01:59,181 I got a foot massager for two dollars. All it needs is a new motor. 35 00:02:01,087 --> 00:02:03,612 [ Earl Narrating ] Ever since the first time Catalina cleaned our room... 36 00:02:03,723 --> 00:02:07,124 Randy's been making any excuse to spend time with her. 37 00:02:07,227 --> 00:02:10,856 Hey, how much for this tape that helps you quit smoking? 38 00:02:10,964 --> 00:02:13,831 [ Synthesized Voice ] Forty cents. 39 00:02:13,933 --> 00:02:17,699 - How about 25? - Thirty-five. 40 00:02:17,804 --> 00:02:19,829 - Thirty? - Thirty-two. 41 00:02:19,939 --> 00:02:24,103 Deal. Hey, say "Luke, I am your father." 42 00:02:24,210 --> 00:02:26,644 Luke, I am your father. 43 00:02:26,746 --> 00:02:28,714 [ Randy ] So, you gonna quit? 44 00:02:28,815 --> 00:02:32,808 Yeah, yeah, I am. I just wanna finish this pack first. I don't wanna be wasteful. 45 00:02:32,919 --> 00:02:35,387 Number 49 on my list- I've been wasteful. 46 00:02:35,488 --> 00:02:37,547 So what's next on your list? 47 00:02:37,657 --> 00:02:41,184 - I don't know. I haven't figured that out yet. - Can I pick one? 48 00:02:41,294 --> 00:02:43,819 Yeah. Why not? I gotta do 'em all anyway. 49 00:02:43,930 --> 00:02:45,898 How about- [ Vocalizing ] 112- 50 00:02:45,999 --> 00:02:48,832 "let Donny Jones serve jail time for a crime I committed?" 51 00:02:48,935 --> 00:02:52,029 Oh, man. Donny Jones. 52 00:02:55,341 --> 00:02:57,969 [ Earl Narrating ] A few years ago, I robbed a doughnut shop. 53 00:02:58,077 --> 00:03:00,511 To be honest, I shouldn't have been out... 54 00:03:00,613 --> 00:03:03,309 because I had a pretty bad cold, and I could've spread it around. 55 00:03:03,416 --> 00:03:07,853 [ Sneezes ] Uh-oh. 56 00:03:07,954 --> 00:03:10,684 Fortunately for me, the security camera couldn't see my face... 57 00:03:10,790 --> 00:03:14,624 and I had stolen this shirt from a friend named Donny Jones. 58 00:03:14,727 --> 00:03:17,855 Unfortunately for Donny, he had a checkered past... 59 00:03:17,964 --> 00:03:20,194 and no alibi for the night of the robbery. 60 00:03:20,300 --> 00:03:23,701 Number four, step forward. 61 00:03:23,803 --> 00:03:27,671 [ Earl Narrating ] And most unfortunate for Donny, he had also caught my cold. 62 00:03:27,774 --> 00:03:30,106 That's him. Number four. 63 00:03:30,210 --> 00:03:32,110 What? 64 00:03:34,113 --> 00:03:38,015 A jury found Donny guilty, and he served two years in prison. 65 00:03:40,386 --> 00:03:42,354 I'm not doing Donny Jones. 66 00:03:42,455 --> 00:03:43,786 - Why not? - I just don't want to. 67 00:03:43,890 --> 00:03:45,790 I don't even know where he lives. 68 00:03:45,892 --> 00:03:48,793 They got big yellow books to find that stuff out, Earl. 69 00:03:48,895 --> 00:03:51,693 I'll quit smoking, all right? I'll do that one. 70 00:03:51,798 --> 00:03:55,063 - Look, I quit smoking. - You're scared of Donny Jones. 71 00:03:55,168 --> 00:03:58,262 - I'm not scared of Donny Jones. - Why are you scared of Donny Jones? 72 00:03:58,371 --> 00:04:00,464 I'm not scared of Donny Jones. 73 00:04:00,573 --> 00:04:02,473 [ Earl Narrating ] That was a lie. 74 00:04:02,575 --> 00:04:07,478 There aren't a lot of people on this earth that I'm afraid of, but Donny- 75 00:04:07,580 --> 00:04:09,480 Well- 76 00:04:14,354 --> 00:04:16,254 Oh, it is on. 77 00:04:16,356 --> 00:04:18,984 [ Earl Narrating ] Donny is crazy. 78 00:04:19,092 --> 00:04:22,493 [ Grunts ] 79 00:04:22,595 --> 00:04:26,156 [ Pounding Continues ] 80 00:04:26,266 --> 00:04:28,427 Look, I'd love to take care of Donny... 81 00:04:28,534 --> 00:04:31,059 but I can only do one thing at a time. 82 00:04:31,170 --> 00:04:34,571 I'm gonna focus on quittin' smoking. 83 00:04:34,674 --> 00:04:37,074 [ Earl Narrating ] I was gonna focus on quittin' smoking... 84 00:04:37,176 --> 00:04:39,542 but it turns out quittin' smoking is stressful. 85 00:04:39,646 --> 00:04:42,206 - And when I stressed out, I smoke. - Hey, Earl. 86 00:04:42,315 --> 00:04:45,148 Hey, how's it goin'? 87 00:04:45,251 --> 00:04:47,549 - We found Donny Jones. - What? Why? 88 00:04:47,654 --> 00:04:50,452 It was Catalina's idea. She said you needed a push. 89 00:04:50,556 --> 00:04:54,617 When someone's scared, they need a friend to push them to overcome that fear. 90 00:04:54,727 --> 00:04:57,890 Yeah, you know, like throwing somebody in the ocean who's afraid to swim... 91 00:04:57,997 --> 00:05:00,090 or puttin' a snake in a young girl's bed. 92 00:05:00,199 --> 00:05:03,464 I don't need a push. I'm not scared, all right? 93 00:05:03,569 --> 00:05:05,799 I'm occupied. I'm busy quitting smoking. 94 00:05:05,905 --> 00:05:08,601 We're just trying to help. 95 00:05:08,708 --> 00:05:10,972 [ Men Chattering, Burping ] 96 00:05:11,077 --> 00:05:13,341 That was there when I got here. 97 00:05:15,214 --> 00:05:20,345 Quittin' is hard, Randy. I didn't smoke for a whole hour, and I started to shake. 98 00:05:20,453 --> 00:05:25,152 My system's used to runnin' on more tar. 99 00:05:25,258 --> 00:05:27,158 [ Sighs ] 100 00:05:29,395 --> 00:05:33,923 [ Earl Narrating ] I knew cigarettes could kill me, but so could Donny Jones. 101 00:05:34,033 --> 00:05:37,196 Besides, as far as me livin' a long life was concerned... 102 00:05:37,303 --> 00:05:39,635 I should have been more worried about my ex-wife. 103 00:05:52,785 --> 00:05:55,310 Oh, snap. 104 00:05:55,421 --> 00:05:59,517 Darnell, run down to the Video Hut and rent me a VCR! 105 00:06:04,097 --> 00:06:06,463 [ Woman ] Oh, my God! Aunt Millie's walking! 106 00:06:06,566 --> 00:06:10,502 Look! Aunt Millie's walking! It's a miracle! 107 00:06:10,603 --> 00:06:12,503 [ Joy On Video ] Next time you steal a camera... 108 00:06:12,605 --> 00:06:14,835 have the common sense to steal the directions. 109 00:06:14,941 --> 00:06:17,000 - I think I got it on. - Oh. 110 00:06:20,113 --> 00:06:24,243 [ Joy On Video ] I love you, Earl, and I love all this stuff you stole. 111 00:06:24,350 --> 00:06:27,547 [ Earl On Video ] I love that you love me and love all this stuff I stole. 112 00:06:27,653 --> 00:06:30,019 I want to document this. 113 00:06:32,091 --> 00:06:37,723 If I ever die, I want this woman right here to have everything I own. 114 00:06:37,830 --> 00:06:39,422 Everything. 115 00:06:39,532 --> 00:06:43,127 Oh, baby, that's so sweet. 116 00:06:45,972 --> 00:06:48,133 What do you think of that? 117 00:06:48,241 --> 00:06:51,210 Rewind it. I wanna see that old lady walk again. 118 00:06:51,310 --> 00:06:53,744 [ Earl Narrating ]Joy knew that video was the only thing... 119 00:06:53,846 --> 00:06:55,746 close to a will that I have. 120 00:06:55,848 --> 00:06:58,874 Normally she's not that violent, but money makes people crazy. 121 00:06:58,985 --> 00:07:01,453 I'll take this. 122 00:07:01,554 --> 00:07:03,715 There's a three-day waiting period for guns. 123 00:07:03,823 --> 00:07:06,257 Land of the free, my ass. 124 00:07:06,359 --> 00:07:09,328 Fine. What can I walk outta here with today that'll kill somebody? 125 00:07:09,429 --> 00:07:13,092 - Anything in aisle four. - Oh, thank you. 126 00:07:13,199 --> 00:07:16,259 [ Earl Narrating ] Randy took Catalina to another yard sale... 127 00:07:16,369 --> 00:07:18,837 to look for a motor for her foot massager... 128 00:07:18,938 --> 00:07:21,930 so I had some time to focus on quittin' smoking. 129 00:07:23,476 --> 00:07:26,240 [ Man On Tape ] I am not a smoker. 130 00:07:26,345 --> 00:07:29,212 I am not a smoker. 131 00:07:29,315 --> 00:07:32,250 Smoking is bad. 132 00:07:32,351 --> 00:07:34,842 Smokin' is bad. 133 00:07:34,954 --> 00:07:38,048 I don't want to die. 134 00:07:38,157 --> 00:07:40,921 I don't wanna die. 135 00:07:42,795 --> 00:07:45,355 Damn it. 136 00:07:45,465 --> 00:07:49,265 - You, and you alone, are in control... - [ Horn Honks ] 137 00:07:49,368 --> 00:07:52,269 of your destiny. 138 00:07:52,371 --> 00:07:54,271 Shoot. 139 00:07:55,975 --> 00:07:59,672 Hey, I was just listening to your tape. Good stuff. 140 00:07:59,779 --> 00:08:03,010 We got some Krazy Straws at the yard sale. 141 00:08:03,115 --> 00:08:05,777 - Wanna go get some Slush Puppies? - Yeah, why not? 142 00:08:05,885 --> 00:08:08,820 Nice, sugary drink might get my mind off cigarettes. 143 00:08:08,921 --> 00:08:11,287 Man, I hope these straws don't have the flu in them. 144 00:08:11,390 --> 00:08:15,690 [ Burps ] Oh, hey, whoa. Where'd that come from? 145 00:08:15,795 --> 00:08:18,491 I haven't smoked all day. 146 00:08:32,178 --> 00:08:35,113 - Why are we stoppin'? - I think we got a flat in the back. 147 00:08:35,214 --> 00:08:37,205 Yeah, I heard it too. 148 00:08:37,316 --> 00:08:41,548 Damn it. I just got those tires five years ago. 149 00:08:41,654 --> 00:08:43,519 What are you doin'? 150 00:08:43,623 --> 00:08:46,751 - That's Donny's house. - What? 151 00:08:46,859 --> 00:08:49,487 It's Donny's house. Face your fears. 152 00:08:49,595 --> 00:08:52,029 [ Horn Honking ] 153 00:08:55,635 --> 00:08:57,830 This isn't funny. Open the door, Randy. 154 00:08:57,937 --> 00:09:00,531 It's for your own good, Earl. This is your snake in the bed. 155 00:09:00,640 --> 00:09:02,369 I don't want a snake in my bed. 156 00:09:02,475 --> 00:09:04,534 You can't finish your list if you're scared. 157 00:09:04,644 --> 00:09:06,578 We're doing this because you're our friend. 158 00:09:06,679 --> 00:09:09,443 - Donny! - Stop it! Let me in! 159 00:09:10,883 --> 00:09:13,044 [ Horn Honks ] 160 00:09:15,187 --> 00:09:19,055 - [ Horn Honks ] - Randy, open the door. 161 00:09:19,158 --> 00:09:23,959 Earl? Earl Hickey? 162 00:09:29,702 --> 00:09:31,704 Donny Jones! Hey, buddy. 163 00:09:31,704 --> 00:09:33,638 Donny Jones! Hey, buddy. 164 00:09:33,739 --> 00:09:37,470 [ Laughs ] We should, uh, catch up sometime. 165 00:09:37,577 --> 00:09:39,875 You know, when I don't have to- 166 00:09:39,979 --> 00:09:42,641 [ Tires Screeching ] 167 00:09:45,351 --> 00:09:46,784 Or now. 168 00:09:48,421 --> 00:09:50,753 [ Earl Narrating ] Have you ever heard the expression "crazy eyes"? 169 00:09:50,856 --> 00:09:53,484 - Well, Donny had 'em. - Earl Hickey. 170 00:09:53,593 --> 00:09:56,460 - Donny Jones. - You look good. 171 00:09:56,562 --> 00:09:59,122 You look good. Look real good. 172 00:09:59,231 --> 00:10:01,290 What are those, new pants? 173 00:10:01,400 --> 00:10:03,834 No. I had 'em a while. 174 00:10:03,936 --> 00:10:07,303 Mmm, they still look new. Nice crease. 175 00:10:07,406 --> 00:10:10,170 I should, uh- I should get me a pair of those. 176 00:10:12,411 --> 00:10:16,313 Hard to find good pants. [ Chuckles ] 177 00:10:16,415 --> 00:10:21,114 So, your brother and that little Mexican lady told me you wanted to talk to me about some list. 178 00:10:21,220 --> 00:10:25,088 Did they now? All right. Good. 179 00:10:25,191 --> 00:10:27,091 Yeah, they can be very helpful. 180 00:10:27,193 --> 00:10:31,061 [ Sighs ] All right, here's the deal, Donny. 181 00:10:32,898 --> 00:10:36,834 I'm on, uh, kind of a mission. 182 00:10:36,936 --> 00:10:40,997 Wow, these are long... and sharp, huh? 183 00:10:41,107 --> 00:10:43,940 They're my mom's. She likes to knit. 184 00:10:44,043 --> 00:10:48,605 Good for you, sweetheart. Nice to have a hobby. 185 00:10:51,951 --> 00:10:54,112 Anyway, uh, Donny... 186 00:10:54,220 --> 00:10:57,314 um, I've recently discovered karma... 187 00:10:57,423 --> 00:11:01,086 and I've written a list of all the bad things I've done in my life... 188 00:11:01,193 --> 00:11:03,388 and I'm trying to make up for 'em. 189 00:11:03,496 --> 00:11:06,158 I think I know what you're gettin' at, Earl. 190 00:11:08,234 --> 00:11:10,134 - You do? - Yep. 191 00:11:10,236 --> 00:11:14,536 You had an awakening. Same thing happened to me in the joint... 192 00:11:14,640 --> 00:11:16,972 when I found Jesus. 193 00:11:18,611 --> 00:11:21,307 - Wow. - Nice, huh? 194 00:11:21,414 --> 00:11:25,214 I also got Moses partin' the Red Sea on my bottom. You wanna see that? 195 00:11:25,317 --> 00:11:29,014 - No, no. M-Maybe later. - Okay. 196 00:11:31,991 --> 00:11:35,449 So, anyway, about a month into my sentence... 197 00:11:35,561 --> 00:11:39,759 I started readin' the Bible, and it really kept me out of trouble. 198 00:11:39,865 --> 00:11:41,765 - [ Alarms Blaring ] - [ Men Shouting ] 199 00:11:41,867 --> 00:11:45,394 Hey, hey, we're gonna gang-stomp the guard in the cafeteria. You in? 200 00:11:45,504 --> 00:11:48,701 Sorry. I'm busy stompin' the devil out of my heart. 201 00:11:48,808 --> 00:11:51,402 But thanks for thinking of me. 202 00:11:51,510 --> 00:11:55,139 Ever since I found the Lord, I really turned my life around. 203 00:11:55,247 --> 00:11:57,545 Prison turned out to be a blessing in disguise. 204 00:11:57,650 --> 00:12:02,451 So... you're not mad that you were mistakenly incarcerated... 205 00:12:02,555 --> 00:12:06,719 for a crime some... unknown person committed? 206 00:12:06,826 --> 00:12:09,761 I didn't rob that store, Earl, but we both know I was a sinner. 207 00:12:09,862 --> 00:12:14,094 Besides, as the good book says... 208 00:12:14,200 --> 00:12:16,794 forgiveness is the way to salvation. 209 00:12:16,902 --> 00:12:19,029 - [ Grunts ] - [ Cushion Deflating ] 210 00:12:20,406 --> 00:12:22,306 Wow. That's a big Bible. 211 00:12:22,408 --> 00:12:24,876 It's my mom's. Large print. 212 00:12:24,977 --> 00:12:27,969 - Ah. - She refuses to wear her readin' glasses. 213 00:12:28,080 --> 00:12:31,277 [ Whispering ] She thinks they make her look old. 214 00:12:34,353 --> 00:12:37,686 "Do not drink wine when... 215 00:12:40,392 --> 00:12:43,418 "thou goest into the taber- 216 00:12:46,232 --> 00:12:48,666 nacle of the Lord." 217 00:12:51,570 --> 00:12:54,835 So, you're all churched up then, huh? Good for you. 218 00:12:54,940 --> 00:12:57,636 Givin' up all that hurtin' people. 219 00:12:57,743 --> 00:13:01,304 - I turn the other cheek now. - And you got a tattoo of the Red Sea to prove it. 220 00:13:01,413 --> 00:13:03,813 - Wanna see it now? - Ooh, not- 221 00:13:03,916 --> 00:13:05,816 I'm still gonna pass on that. 222 00:13:05,918 --> 00:13:08,318 But I do need to tell you something. 223 00:13:08,420 --> 00:13:12,789 Uh, something I did to you that's on my list. 224 00:13:12,892 --> 00:13:16,623 Something that turned out to be good for you but, all the same... 225 00:13:16,729 --> 00:13:19,289 something that was wrong. 226 00:13:22,468 --> 00:13:25,369 I was the one that, uh, robbed that doughnut store. 227 00:13:27,306 --> 00:13:30,400 - What? - It was me, Donny. 228 00:13:30,509 --> 00:13:34,502 I was wearing a- a shirt that I stole from you. 229 00:13:34,613 --> 00:13:37,411 I- I'm the reason you went to prison. 230 00:13:37,516 --> 00:13:39,677 [ Hits Table ] 231 00:13:45,324 --> 00:13:47,952 Then found the Lord. 232 00:13:48,060 --> 00:13:50,528 Went to prison and found the Lord. 233 00:13:52,198 --> 00:13:55,463 [ Earl Narrating ] Even though Donny had changed, I was still scared... 234 00:13:55,568 --> 00:13:58,036 'cause no matter who he was now- 235 00:13:58,137 --> 00:14:01,129 [ Laughing ] I got your gun. 236 00:14:01,240 --> 00:14:03,538 I got your gun, dummy. I got your gun. 237 00:14:03,642 --> 00:14:05,837 What are you gonna do? [ Laughing Continues ] 238 00:14:05,945 --> 00:14:07,879 [ Earl Narrating ] Donny used to be crazy. 239 00:14:15,287 --> 00:14:17,619 [ Whispering ] What would Jesus do? 240 00:14:28,434 --> 00:14:30,334 [ Whispering ] What would you do? 241 00:14:32,004 --> 00:14:33,904 Okay. 242 00:14:37,843 --> 00:14:41,939 - I forgive you. - Really? 243 00:14:42,047 --> 00:14:46,450 Like I said before, Earl, prison changed my life. 244 00:14:46,552 --> 00:14:49,919 I mean, even if you hadn't have done what you did... 245 00:14:50,022 --> 00:14:52,547 I probably would've ended up there anyway. 246 00:14:52,658 --> 00:14:55,718 Cross me off your list. 247 00:14:55,828 --> 00:14:58,956 All right. Thank you. 248 00:14:59,064 --> 00:15:02,033 I will. Thanks, Donny. 249 00:15:02,134 --> 00:15:05,934 Now, if you'll excuse me, I gotta go help a prayer buddy in the garage. 250 00:15:06,038 --> 00:15:10,304 When he showed up, I thought he was speaking in tongues, but he's just back on the stuff. 251 00:15:10,409 --> 00:15:12,843 Hey, don't worry. I'll let myself out. 252 00:15:12,945 --> 00:15:14,970 [ Earl Narrating ] And there it was- 253 00:15:15,080 --> 00:15:17,310 Thanks to Randy and Catalina's push... 254 00:15:17,416 --> 00:15:20,510 I faced my fears, and everything turned out fine. 255 00:15:27,893 --> 00:15:29,758 Ow! What the hell? 256 00:15:29,862 --> 00:15:32,330 You put my baby in prison for two years! 257 00:15:32,431 --> 00:15:34,422 Take it easy! He forgave me! 258 00:15:34,533 --> 00:15:37,263 Well, maybe he forgave you, but I don't! 259 00:15:40,639 --> 00:15:43,938 [ Screams ] Help! Help! 260 00:15:44,043 --> 00:15:48,810 You took my baby away! I'll never get those years back! I should be on your stupid list! 261 00:15:48,914 --> 00:15:53,442 [ Screams ] Okay, okay, okay. Okay. I'll put you on. 262 00:15:53,552 --> 00:15:58,888 Took Donny away from his mother for two years. 263 00:15:58,991 --> 00:16:03,087 All right. You're on it. Now what do I have to do to get you off it? 264 00:16:03,195 --> 00:16:06,323 - Get me the two years back. - You know I can't do that. 265 00:16:06,432 --> 00:16:08,662 Aw, I guess you're screwed. 266 00:16:08,767 --> 00:16:12,168 [ Grunts, Groans ] 267 00:16:42,735 --> 00:16:45,533 [ Muffled Shouting ] 268 00:16:45,637 --> 00:16:48,834 [ Earl Narrating ] I know this looks bad, but she refused to come on her own. 269 00:16:48,941 --> 00:16:51,171 - Trust me. I have a plan. - Hi, Earl. 270 00:16:51,276 --> 00:16:53,005 - Hey, Crab Man. - [ Shouting ] 271 00:16:53,112 --> 00:16:56,809 - Joy wanted me to bring you these poison cookies. - Huh? 272 00:16:56,915 --> 00:16:59,679 [ Earl Narrating ] Darnell filled me in on the video will... 273 00:16:59,785 --> 00:17:02,015 and Joy's intent to kill me. 274 00:17:04,356 --> 00:17:07,985 I wasn't gonna get involved, but now she got me deliverin' poison... 275 00:17:08,093 --> 00:17:10,527 it just don't seem right. 276 00:17:10,629 --> 00:17:14,656 - Thanks, Crab Man. - No problem, Earl. 277 00:17:14,767 --> 00:17:17,736 [ Muffled Shouting ] 278 00:17:17,836 --> 00:17:20,100 Let me out of here right now! 279 00:17:20,205 --> 00:17:22,833 You let me out of here! 280 00:17:22,941 --> 00:17:25,933 Earl, how come you're taping Donny's mom to a chair? 281 00:17:26,045 --> 00:17:28,912 - Ooh, cookies. - Randy, those are poisoned. 282 00:17:29,014 --> 00:17:31,346 Oh, okay. 283 00:17:31,450 --> 00:17:34,908 I'm taping her to the chair because she's gonna quit smoking before it kills her. 284 00:17:35,020 --> 00:17:38,456 - Now, stop kicking. - Something about this feels wrong. 285 00:17:38,557 --> 00:17:41,458 No, it's fine. I'm giving her a push... 286 00:17:41,560 --> 00:17:44,085 just like you guys gave me a push. 287 00:17:44,196 --> 00:17:47,222 - [ Horn Honking ] - I have to do this. You're on my list now. 288 00:17:47,332 --> 00:17:49,562 I took your son away from you for two years... 289 00:17:49,668 --> 00:17:52,136 and the only way I can give you back that time... 290 00:17:52,237 --> 00:17:54,899 is to give you two more years on this earth. 291 00:17:55,007 --> 00:17:58,943 Randy- Those are poison! 292 00:18:01,647 --> 00:18:04,548 - How poison? - Put it down! 293 00:18:04,650 --> 00:18:07,312 Look, I know it's not gonna be easy... 294 00:18:07,419 --> 00:18:09,478 but you're not gonna do it alone. 295 00:18:09,588 --> 00:18:12,284 I'm gonna quit with you. 296 00:18:13,992 --> 00:18:16,256 I know you're scared to give up the smokes. 297 00:18:16,361 --> 00:18:19,558 So am I. We're gonna get through this together. 298 00:18:19,665 --> 00:18:22,566 This is the sweetest, most justified kidnapping I've ever seen. 299 00:18:22,668 --> 00:18:25,296 - How many have you seen? - Five or so. 300 00:18:26,939 --> 00:18:29,635 I'm gonna take the gag out of your mouth now, okay? 301 00:18:29,741 --> 00:18:31,675 - So please don't holler. - [ Mutters ] 302 00:18:31,777 --> 00:18:33,802 Hel- [ Coughing ] 303 00:18:33,912 --> 00:18:35,846 Hel- [ Coughing ] 304 00:18:35,948 --> 00:18:39,145 [ Coughing Continues ] 305 00:18:39,251 --> 00:18:41,981 Help! 306 00:18:45,023 --> 00:18:47,491 Hel- 307 00:18:47,593 --> 00:18:50,790 [ Gasping ] 308 00:18:53,132 --> 00:18:55,191 [ Earl Narrating ] Turns out I didn't need the gag. 309 00:18:55,300 --> 00:18:58,269 Forty years of smoking had taken away her ability to scream. 310 00:18:58,370 --> 00:19:01,305 All right, fine. I'll quit. 311 00:19:01,406 --> 00:19:03,465 That's my girl. 312 00:19:06,745 --> 00:19:09,305 [ Earl Narrating ] Quittin' smoking is a lot like prison. 313 00:19:09,414 --> 00:19:12,941 If you can get through the first three days, you've got a fighting chance. 314 00:19:19,491 --> 00:19:21,550 First we tried the tapes. 315 00:19:21,660 --> 00:19:24,151 [ Man On Tape ] I don't want to die. 316 00:19:24,263 --> 00:19:27,494 - I don't want to die. - I don't want to die. 317 00:19:29,168 --> 00:19:31,500 [ Earl Narrating ] Then we tried the patches. 318 00:19:36,842 --> 00:19:40,039 Someone told us to try carrot sticks as a substitute... 319 00:19:40,145 --> 00:19:42,375 but we couldn't get the damn things to light. 320 00:19:51,957 --> 00:19:56,724 After some laughter, some tears and a lot ofburnt carrots... 321 00:19:56,828 --> 00:19:59,023 together we battled our addiction, and we won. 322 00:20:11,643 --> 00:20:14,578 And even though we started out as strangers, by the end... 323 00:20:14,680 --> 00:20:17,740 I felt like I knew Donny's mom as well as I knew my own. 324 00:20:17,849 --> 00:20:22,343 - Thank you, Earl. - Thank you... Donny's mom. 325 00:20:30,662 --> 00:20:33,062 [ Earl Narrating ] It was hard, but it was worth it. 326 00:20:33,165 --> 00:20:35,360 We gave each other life. 327 00:20:35,467 --> 00:20:39,028 She's gonna get those extra years with her son that she wanted... 328 00:20:39,137 --> 00:20:41,571 and I just might get a few extra years myself. 329 00:20:41,673 --> 00:20:44,540 It's hard to believe we got all that in just three little days. 330 00:20:48,814 --> 00:20:52,648 Unfortunately, there are other things a person can get in three days. 331 00:20:54,553 --> 00:20:59,388 I wrote up a new will, Joy. You can kill me, but there ain't no money in it. 332 00:20:59,491 --> 00:21:01,425 [ Sighs ] 0 00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00 www.tvsubtitles.net