1 00:00:10,276 --> 00:00:13,734 [ Earl Narrating ] You know that guy you see going into the convenience store... 2 00:00:13,847 --> 00:00:17,874 when you stop off in that little town on the way to Grandma's house? 3 00:00:17,984 --> 00:00:21,511 Sort of shifty lookin' fella who buys a pack of smokes, a couple lotto scratchers... 4 00:00:21,621 --> 00:00:24,089 and a tallboy at 10:00 in the mornin'? 5 00:00:24,190 --> 00:00:27,956 The kind of guy you wait to come out before you and your family go in? 6 00:00:32,165 --> 00:00:34,895 Well, that guy's me. 7 00:00:35,001 --> 00:00:38,027 My name is Earl. 8 00:00:38,138 --> 00:00:41,164 And if you took the time to really get to know me... 9 00:00:41,274 --> 00:00:44,573 find out what kind of person I truly am instead of just stereotypin' me... 10 00:00:44,677 --> 00:00:49,205 because of the way I look, well, you'd be wasting your time. 11 00:00:49,315 --> 00:00:52,079 Because I'm exactly who you think I am. 12 00:00:54,154 --> 00:00:57,248 Hell, I'll pretty much steal anything that isn't nailed down. 13 00:01:05,498 --> 00:01:09,366 About six years ago, I was out drinkin' when I met this little firecracker. 14 00:01:09,469 --> 00:01:11,903 You got great boobs, Peggy. 15 00:01:12,005 --> 00:01:15,771 - Her name was not Peggy. - My name is Joy. 16 00:01:15,875 --> 00:01:18,867 You got great boobs, Joy. 17 00:01:18,978 --> 00:01:23,347 She kept buyin'me drinks, and later that night she drove us to Vegas. 18 00:01:23,450 --> 00:01:25,748 By the time I sobered up, we were married. 19 00:01:25,852 --> 00:01:27,717 [ Camera Shutter Clicks ] 20 00:01:30,256 --> 00:01:34,386 The next mornin'I was recuperating from being a little... over-served. 21 00:01:34,494 --> 00:01:37,520 - Morning, Hubby. - [ Moans ] 22 00:01:37,630 --> 00:01:41,157 Hell, when I was drinking, I just thought she had a bit of a belly. 23 00:01:41,267 --> 00:01:44,259 Some people might think gettin' so drunk you accidentally marry a woman... 24 00:01:44,370 --> 00:01:48,067 that's six months pregnant is a good reason to stop drinkin'. 25 00:01:48,174 --> 00:01:51,143 Personally, I think it's a good reason to keep drinkin'. 26 00:01:51,244 --> 00:01:56,614 Joy didn't remember much about the boy's real father, except that he drove a Ford. 27 00:01:56,716 --> 00:01:58,741 So, we named him Dodge. 28 00:01:58,852 --> 00:02:03,084 A few years later, we were having our first child from my own personal seed. 29 00:02:03,189 --> 00:02:06,556 - [ Screaming ] - The doctors already told us he was gonna come out a boy... 30 00:02:06,659 --> 00:02:09,355 so we went ahead and named him. 31 00:02:09,462 --> 00:02:11,293 There he was. 32 00:02:11,397 --> 00:02:14,127 Earl Jr. 33 00:02:14,234 --> 00:02:18,136 [ Boys Shouting ] 34 00:02:18,238 --> 00:02:23,972 People ask me how I can stay with a cheatin' wife and two horrible kids that aren't mine. 35 00:02:24,077 --> 00:02:27,535 I guess I just believe in the sanctity of marriage. 36 00:02:27,647 --> 00:02:30,946 Besides, I'm sure just as many people ask her why she hasn't thrown out... 37 00:02:31,050 --> 00:02:34,713 her good-for-nothing husband and his brother who lives on their couch. 38 00:02:34,821 --> 00:02:38,348 That's Randy, the best brother anyone could ever ask for. 39 00:02:42,962 --> 00:02:47,331 We usually spend our days hanging out over at Ernie's Crab Shack. 40 00:02:48,835 --> 00:02:53,033 - Hey! - I got you, Earl. You're it! You're it. 41 00:02:53,139 --> 00:02:56,165 [ Earl Narrating ] That's Sonny. We play beer can tag. 42 00:02:56,276 --> 00:02:59,006 Ain't no use runnin', fool! I know where your mama parks your house! 43 00:03:00,880 --> 00:03:03,178 That's Darnell. He's always hooking us up... 44 00:03:03,283 --> 00:03:06,616 with bowls full of stuffhe's not legally allowed to put in the crab cakes. 45 00:03:06,719 --> 00:03:08,983 - Thanks, Crab Man. - No problem, Earl. 46 00:03:12,458 --> 00:03:15,552 - Thank you, Darnell. - Any time, Joy. 47 00:03:15,662 --> 00:03:19,860 Randy and I love the free crabmeat, and for some reason, Joy loved comin' here too. 48 00:03:21,167 --> 00:03:23,863 And if we were lucky, Wanda would push B-7. 49 00:03:26,706 --> 00:03:29,231 Oh, no, she didn't. 50 00:03:29,342 --> 00:03:32,675 Wanda, don't tell me you pushed B-7. 51 00:03:36,716 --> 00:03:39,116 [ Earl Narrating ] Anyway, that was our life. 52 00:03:39,219 --> 00:03:43,679 It wasn't glamorous or nothin', but it was regular enough. 53 00:03:43,790 --> 00:03:46,850 At least it was regular enough until three weeks ago. 54 00:03:50,863 --> 00:03:52,421 Son of a bitch. 55 00:03:56,636 --> 00:03:59,969 Son of a bitch! Whoo-hoo! 56 00:04:00,073 --> 00:04:01,665 Whoo-hoo! 57 00:04:01,774 --> 00:04:05,540 I'm rich! $100,000, sucker! 58 00:04:05,645 --> 00:04:08,876 - [ Grunts ] - [ Screaming ] 59 00:04:11,184 --> 00:04:13,482 - [ Tires Screeching ] - [ Car Departs ] 60 00:04:13,586 --> 00:04:16,248 That was the happiest 10 seconds of my life. 61 00:04:21,928 --> 00:04:26,092 As soon as I was conscious, Randy went back to look for my scratcher. 62 00:04:26,199 --> 00:04:28,724 - [ Car Horns Honking ] - But I knew he wouldn't find it. 63 00:04:28,835 --> 00:04:33,067 I would have been more upset if I wasn't so doped up. 64 00:04:35,775 --> 00:04:39,404 - Hey, baby. - Hey there. Sign these next to the sticky little yellow things. 65 00:04:39,512 --> 00:04:41,480 Okeydokey. 66 00:04:44,984 --> 00:04:48,442 Earl J. Hickey. 67 00:04:50,223 --> 00:04:52,623 - Hey, Crab Man. - Hey, Earl. 68 00:04:52,725 --> 00:04:55,956 Darnell's parents threw him out for growing weed in his closet, so he's moving in. 69 00:04:56,062 --> 00:04:58,326 - We're thinkin' about gettin' married. - But we're married. 70 00:04:58,431 --> 00:05:02,094 Not anymore we're not. Thank you for the trailer. 71 00:05:02,201 --> 00:05:04,965 Trust me, Earl, this is gonna be better for everybody involved. 72 00:05:05,071 --> 00:05:09,030 Earl Jr. really should be with his daddy. Feel better now, okay. 73 00:05:11,210 --> 00:05:15,647 Now, I've never been much of a complainer, but lyin'in traction that night... 74 00:05:15,748 --> 00:05:17,875 knowing that I no longer had a home... 75 00:05:17,984 --> 00:05:19,952 no longer had a wife... 76 00:05:20,053 --> 00:05:23,181 and no longer had a $ 100,000 lottery ticket... 77 00:05:23,289 --> 00:05:27,851 well, I think I might have cried if I wasn't afraid of Randy waking up and seeing me. 78 00:05:27,960 --> 00:05:31,054 Then it happened. I was just flipping the channels... 79 00:05:31,164 --> 00:05:33,064 and... he came on. 80 00:05:33,166 --> 00:05:38,194 Forget about me. I wanna know about you. I wanna know about Carson Daly. 81 00:05:38,304 --> 00:05:41,296 Every time I see you, you got a beautiful woman on your arm. 82 00:05:41,407 --> 00:05:44,137 You got a talk show, you got your own record company. 83 00:05:44,243 --> 00:05:47,906 - What's your secret? - Well, if you must know, uh, I'm Satan. 84 00:05:48,014 --> 00:05:50,482 - [ Laughs ] - I don't know. 85 00:05:50,583 --> 00:05:52,847 Seriously, I, uh- I've been very blessed. 86 00:05:52,952 --> 00:05:55,978 I also believe that what goes around comes around. 87 00:05:56,089 --> 00:05:58,148 And that's how I try and live my life. 88 00:05:58,257 --> 00:06:00,851 You do good things and good things happen to you. 89 00:06:00,960 --> 00:06:03,929 You do bad things, and it'll come back to haunt you. It's karma. 90 00:06:04,030 --> 00:06:06,624 [ Earl Narrating ] Karma. There it was. 91 00:06:06,733 --> 00:06:12,228 The secret oflife coming straight from Carson Daly's lips to my morphine-laced ears. 92 00:06:17,009 --> 00:06:20,672 When they finally released me from the hospital, we checked into a motel. 93 00:06:20,780 --> 00:06:25,046 It didn't take Randy long to make friends with the help. It never does. 94 00:06:25,151 --> 00:06:27,051 How long is your break, Catalina? 95 00:06:27,153 --> 00:06:29,747 The manager went to the dog track. 96 00:06:29,856 --> 00:06:32,347 I'm on my own schedule for the afternoon. 97 00:06:32,458 --> 00:06:34,949 Do good things and good things happen to you. 98 00:06:35,061 --> 00:06:37,723 Do bad things and it'll come back to haunt you. 99 00:06:37,830 --> 00:06:41,266 That's deep, Earl. So why don't you stop hogging them Vicodins they gave you... 100 00:06:41,367 --> 00:06:43,392 we can all chat about that for a while. 101 00:06:43,503 --> 00:06:45,733 - I'm talkin' about karma. - Who's Karma? 102 00:06:45,838 --> 00:06:49,035 I don't know. Something Carson Daly came up with. 103 00:06:49,142 --> 00:06:53,670 He says he does good things in life and that's why his life is so great. 104 00:06:53,780 --> 00:06:55,907 Got me thinkin'. My life sucks... 105 00:06:56,015 --> 00:06:58,108 and I ain't ever done anything good I can think of. 106 00:06:58,217 --> 00:07:01,345 Who is this Carson Daly? Is he some sort of spiritual leader? 107 00:07:01,454 --> 00:07:03,718 - A holy man? - You never seen T.R.L.? 108 00:07:03,823 --> 00:07:07,657 You need to start puttin' on some of these TVs when you're cleaning the toilets. 109 00:07:07,760 --> 00:07:11,719 If I want a better life, I need to be a better person. 110 00:07:11,831 --> 00:07:15,631 - What's this? - I made a list of everything bad I've ever done. 111 00:07:15,735 --> 00:07:17,600 - Why? - Why? 112 00:07:17,703 --> 00:07:21,605 Randy, I just won $100,000 in the lottery, and was immediately hit by a car. 113 00:07:21,707 --> 00:07:25,473 I almost died because somethin' good happened to me that I didn't deserve. 114 00:07:25,578 --> 00:07:29,446 That karma stuff is gonna kill me unless I make up for everything on that list. 115 00:07:31,551 --> 00:07:35,282 "Number 23- peed in the back of a cop car." 116 00:07:35,388 --> 00:07:37,288 I'm no longer proud of that. 117 00:07:37,390 --> 00:07:41,190 "Number 41 - snatched a kid's Halloween candy... 118 00:07:41,294 --> 00:07:44,024 when he came to my trailer to trick or treat." 119 00:07:44,130 --> 00:07:46,496 That was wrong, and I know that now. 120 00:07:46,599 --> 00:07:50,194 "Number 102- harmed and possibly killed... 121 00:07:50,303 --> 00:07:53,466 innocent people with secondhand smoke." 122 00:07:53,573 --> 00:07:56,371 How in the world are you gonna fix these things, Earl? 123 00:07:56,476 --> 00:07:58,603 I don't know. Start with the easy ones. 124 00:07:58,711 --> 00:08:01,202 Like, um, number 64- 125 00:08:01,314 --> 00:08:03,043 "Picked on Kenny James." 126 00:08:03,149 --> 00:08:06,676 I used to torment the hell out of that poor boy back in elementary school. 127 00:08:06,786 --> 00:08:09,584 - What do you think you're gonna do about it now? - I don't know. Find him. 128 00:08:09,689 --> 00:08:12,954 - Do something nice for him, and then cross him off the list. - Excuse me. 129 00:08:13,059 --> 00:08:16,551 But if my boss comes back and sees there's no garbage in the parking lot... 130 00:08:16,662 --> 00:08:18,562 he's gonna get used to it like that. 131 00:08:18,664 --> 00:08:21,030 - So could you please put it back? - No, I can't. 132 00:08:21,133 --> 00:08:24,296 Number 136- I've been a litterbug. 133 00:08:24,403 --> 00:08:26,371 Well, here. Cross that one off your stupid list. 134 00:08:26,472 --> 00:08:30,340 I can't cross it off the list. Not until I've picked up as much as I littered. 135 00:08:30,443 --> 00:08:34,311 And my list isn't stupid either. It's my road map to a better life. 136 00:08:34,413 --> 00:08:38,645 Well, I hope that road has free gas and free food... 137 00:08:38,751 --> 00:08:40,912 and a van big enough for us to sleep in... 138 00:08:41,020 --> 00:08:43,989 'cause we've just spent our last $45 on this room. 139 00:08:44,090 --> 00:08:47,548 And I'm not cuttin' into my beer money for some stupid-ass crusade. 140 00:08:54,534 --> 00:08:58,470 Son of a bitch. It's workin'. 141 00:09:01,574 --> 00:09:06,841 [ Earl Narrating ] When I went over to the lottery office, they sure made a big fuss. 142 00:09:06,946 --> 00:09:10,279 Randy had an idea to get an extra 100,000 out of the deal. 143 00:09:10,383 --> 00:09:13,011 - Thank you, Isetta. - But I knew it wasn't gonna work. 144 00:09:17,156 --> 00:09:20,614 Can I borrow a pen? 145 00:09:20,726 --> 00:09:25,663 I wanted to get started on my list as soon as possible, so my life would start gettin' better. 146 00:09:25,765 --> 00:09:27,756 Hell, it was already better. 147 00:09:27,867 --> 00:09:30,392 Our new friend Catalina had the day off and nothin'to do... 148 00:09:30,503 --> 00:09:33,597 so Randy and I had somethin' pretty to look at. 149 00:09:33,706 --> 00:09:36,869 Plus, I finally had enough money to buy somethin'I've always wanted for my car. 150 00:09:36,976 --> 00:09:39,740 - [ Car Alarm Beeps ] - Which house belongs to this boy you tortured? 151 00:09:39,845 --> 00:09:41,745 That's his parents' house right over there. 152 00:09:41,847 --> 00:09:44,213 We don't know where Kenny lives now, but Randy'll find out. 153 00:09:44,317 --> 00:09:46,615 Whoa, whoa, whoa. That's four. 154 00:09:46,719 --> 00:09:48,880 - I'm still thirsty. - Look, you had four. 155 00:09:48,988 --> 00:09:52,924 You can have another one when you come out. Go on now. 156 00:09:53,025 --> 00:09:56,586 - So, why aren't you going in? - I get nervous when I lie. 157 00:09:56,696 --> 00:10:00,757 Randy's a pro, so long as he's got the right number of beers in him. 158 00:10:00,866 --> 00:10:03,027 Four seems to be the magic number. 159 00:10:03,135 --> 00:10:08,596 Any more and he starts to get a little bit... unpredictable. 160 00:10:08,708 --> 00:10:11,677 [ Razor Buzzing ] 161 00:10:16,682 --> 00:10:20,516 Earl! Your brother shaved the damn cat again. 162 00:10:20,620 --> 00:10:23,987 Randy hadn't been inside Kenny's parents' house since we robbed it in high school... 163 00:10:24,090 --> 00:10:26,991 and all we got was a backpack full ofbirds. 164 00:10:27,093 --> 00:10:30,859 So, are you visiting all of Kenny's classmates' parents? 165 00:10:30,963 --> 00:10:32,988 Only the ones we've lost contact with. 166 00:10:33,099 --> 00:10:37,297 You see, as class president, it's my duty to organize the reunion... 167 00:10:37,403 --> 00:10:40,099 and I'd hate for anyone to miss out on all the fun. 168 00:10:40,206 --> 00:10:44,040 You know, what with all that catching up and them little appetizers and all. 169 00:10:44,143 --> 00:10:48,136 - Oh, isn't that sweet? - Can I get you a beer, son? 170 00:10:52,084 --> 00:10:54,848 I would love a beer. Thank you. 171 00:10:58,824 --> 00:11:01,486 - Whoa. What are you doing? - You don't like me? 172 00:11:01,594 --> 00:11:04,062 No, no. You're nice. It's just... Randy. 173 00:11:04,163 --> 00:11:07,997 When you came in to give us towels, he called dibs. 174 00:11:16,676 --> 00:11:19,509 Dibs. 175 00:11:19,612 --> 00:11:21,671 [ Sirens Approaching ] 176 00:11:30,890 --> 00:11:35,224 In case you're wondering how many beers it takes for Randy to get himself into trouble... 177 00:11:35,327 --> 00:11:37,693 nine seems to be the magic number. 178 00:11:37,797 --> 00:11:42,234 Luckily, he got Kenny's address before he pissed off Mr.James. 179 00:11:42,334 --> 00:11:46,327 I think I have Kenny's yearbook in here somewhere. 180 00:11:50,276 --> 00:11:52,176 Dibs. 181 00:11:55,347 --> 00:11:58,373 At first we had a little trouble finding Kenny's house. 182 00:11:58,484 --> 00:12:03,581 You see, Randy wrote the address on his hand, and sweated off the last digit during his getaway. 183 00:12:03,689 --> 00:12:06,522 But eventually we found it. 184 00:12:06,625 --> 00:12:09,890 There he is. Kenny James. 185 00:12:09,995 --> 00:12:12,793 Man, I got a weird feelin' in my stomach. 186 00:12:12,898 --> 00:12:17,062 Maybe you got stomach cancer. Can karma cause stomach cancer? 187 00:12:17,169 --> 00:12:19,535 I don't know. 188 00:12:19,638 --> 00:12:22,368 It's probably just guilt. 189 00:12:22,475 --> 00:12:26,605 [ Earl Narrating ] She was probably right. I wasn't proud of the way I treated Kenny. 190 00:12:26,712 --> 00:12:29,203 - [ Children Shouting ] - Hey, Kenny! 191 00:12:29,315 --> 00:12:31,806 I bet you strike out again, you dork! 192 00:12:31,917 --> 00:12:33,714 That's enough, Earl! 193 00:12:33,819 --> 00:12:36,811 Just ignore him, Kenny, and try your best. 194 00:12:43,229 --> 00:12:45,561 [ Children Shouting ] 195 00:12:48,234 --> 00:12:51,761 [ Groans, Whimpers ] 196 00:12:53,372 --> 00:12:55,237 You're out! 197 00:12:55,407 --> 00:12:57,500 I watched Kenny for a few days... 198 00:12:57,610 --> 00:13:01,512 and tried to figure out how to make up for all the abuse I put him through. 199 00:13:01,614 --> 00:13:06,483 Kenny had a good job as an assistant manager at the Copy Hut... 200 00:13:09,021 --> 00:13:12,184 a powder blue Le Car he took pride in... 201 00:13:13,692 --> 00:13:16,092 and the nicest house on the block. 202 00:13:17,663 --> 00:13:21,531 But he didn't have anyone to share it with. He was lonely. 203 00:13:21,634 --> 00:13:26,264 There was something special missin'in his life that every man needs to feel whole. 204 00:13:26,372 --> 00:13:29,034 I gotta get him laid. 205 00:13:29,141 --> 00:13:32,042 - What? - Kenny. I made him feel bad his whole childhood. 206 00:13:32,144 --> 00:13:35,409 If I wanna cross him off my list, I gotta make him feel good. 207 00:13:35,514 --> 00:13:37,641 A little pleasure to make up for all that pain. 208 00:13:37,750 --> 00:13:41,117 What kind of woman are you gonna get to have sex with a scrawny little man like that? 209 00:13:41,220 --> 00:13:43,882 Yeah. You need muscles to get laid. 210 00:13:45,658 --> 00:13:48,183 Not with Patty you don't. 211 00:13:50,129 --> 00:13:52,791 Patty wasn't your run-of-the-mill prostitute. 212 00:13:52,898 --> 00:13:54,889 She was a daytime hooker. 213 00:13:55,000 --> 00:13:58,458 It takes a special kind of woman to sell sexual favors in the light of day. 214 00:13:58,571 --> 00:14:02,564 And I was right. Patty doesn't care if a man has muscles. 215 00:14:02,675 --> 00:14:04,575 Muscles can't buy Mad Dog. 216 00:14:06,178 --> 00:14:08,578 - Hey, Patty. - Hey, boys. 217 00:14:08,681 --> 00:14:11,582 - Is it Randy's birthday already? - No, we got another job for you. 218 00:14:11,684 --> 00:14:13,515 [ Knocking ] 219 00:14:13,619 --> 00:14:17,214 - Hello. - Hey, sweetie. I'm from Greenpeace. 220 00:14:17,323 --> 00:14:20,656 I need to talk to you about the sky and whales and all that crap. 221 00:14:20,759 --> 00:14:24,320 You got anything to drink in here? 222 00:14:24,430 --> 00:14:26,921 - Do you have a toothbrush I could borrow? - Ma'am? 223 00:14:27,032 --> 00:14:29,091 [ Dirt Bike Engine Rewing ] 224 00:14:30,703 --> 00:14:33,866 Well, look who's comin'. 225 00:14:43,115 --> 00:14:44,776 You're it! 226 00:14:44,884 --> 00:14:46,749 Hey, Earl. Nice one. 227 00:14:48,320 --> 00:14:50,515 Hey, you guys looking to rob one of these houses? 228 00:14:50,623 --> 00:14:52,523 'Cause there's an unlocked one down the street. 229 00:14:52,625 --> 00:14:54,752 - No, thanks. - All right. 230 00:14:54,860 --> 00:14:59,297 If it's about last time, I promise I'm not gonna mess up again. 231 00:15:04,870 --> 00:15:06,770 Where'd Sonny go? 232 00:15:13,646 --> 00:15:16,376 Sorry, Sonny, but I'm out of the house-robbin' business. 233 00:15:16,482 --> 00:15:19,315 - Bye, sweetie. - And into the pimpin' business. 234 00:15:19,418 --> 00:15:21,818 Well, I could help out with that too. 235 00:15:21,921 --> 00:15:25,618 I got an uncle, real lonely guy, but he gets a disability check every Thursday. 236 00:15:25,724 --> 00:15:29,717 - Look, Sonny, we'll talk about it later. - All right. 237 00:15:29,828 --> 00:15:33,992 - How'd it go? - He gave me $10 to help baby monkeys. 238 00:15:34,099 --> 00:15:37,262 How was the sex? You got anything in the tank left over for me? 239 00:15:37,369 --> 00:15:39,769 - We didn't do it. - What? Patty, we had a deal. 240 00:15:39,872 --> 00:15:42,272 I did what you said. I told him I thought he was cute... 241 00:15:42,374 --> 00:15:44,467 and I tried to kiss him, but he wasn't interested. 242 00:15:44,576 --> 00:15:48,410 Damn it, Patty. I'm on a schedule here. Come on, Randy. 243 00:15:48,514 --> 00:15:54,009 I tried, Earl. I did. Towards the end I even pulled out my good boob. 244 00:15:56,055 --> 00:15:57,989 You think he's gonna remember you? 245 00:15:59,959 --> 00:16:02,587 - [ Whimpers ] - Yeah, I think he remembers me. 246 00:16:05,864 --> 00:16:07,832 [ Beeping ] 247 00:16:07,933 --> 00:16:12,370 - Kenny, calm down. - I have a restraining order against you, Earl Hickey. 248 00:16:12,471 --> 00:16:15,838 But that was written on a brown paper bag by the school nurse 20 years ago. 249 00:16:15,941 --> 00:16:17,932 Besides, I made you eat it, remember? 250 00:16:18,043 --> 00:16:20,705 Yeah, well, just take what you want and leave. 251 00:16:20,813 --> 00:16:23,475 - All I wanna do is talk. - Hold on a second. 252 00:16:23,582 --> 00:16:26,983 - If you're giving stuff away, I'll take this. - Put it down. 253 00:16:27,086 --> 00:16:30,214 - It's got a CD player in it. - Put it down! 254 00:16:30,322 --> 00:16:34,281 Listen, Kenny. I'm here to help you. 255 00:16:34,393 --> 00:16:36,554 I don't need your help. 256 00:16:36,662 --> 00:16:39,529 Buddy, you just gave up a chance to have free sex with a daytime hooker. 257 00:16:39,631 --> 00:16:41,531 - You need my help. - Earl? 258 00:16:41,633 --> 00:16:44,363 - Not now, Randy. - Shut that drawer! 259 00:16:44,470 --> 00:16:48,338 Kenny, I'm here to help you find a woman so that you can be happy. 260 00:16:48,440 --> 00:16:53,639 Earl, I think you're tryin' to sell a cat to a man who fancies dogs. 261 00:17:06,325 --> 00:17:09,522 [ Earl Narrating ] I know this might sound crazy in this day and age... 262 00:17:09,628 --> 00:17:14,429 but we live in a small town, and I've never been face-to-face with a gay before. 263 00:17:16,135 --> 00:17:19,764 I understand now the runnin' probably wasn't necessary. 264 00:17:24,610 --> 00:17:26,669 - That's it. Kenny's off the list. - Good. 265 00:17:26,779 --> 00:17:30,681 - Isn't that against the rules? - Look, I made the list. That means I make the rules. 266 00:17:30,783 --> 00:17:33,513 The guy was gay. Gay. That's special circumstances. 267 00:17:33,619 --> 00:17:36,486 I don't have to help if there's special circumstances. 268 00:17:36,588 --> 00:17:38,715 Here. Get us a couple of cheeseburgers from the machine. 269 00:17:38,824 --> 00:17:41,850 Okay. So, what's next? 270 00:17:41,960 --> 00:17:46,192 Number 86- stole a car from a one-legged girl. 271 00:17:49,068 --> 00:17:51,036 What happened here? 272 00:17:52,538 --> 00:17:55,029 Ow! Damn, girl! Have you lost your mind? 273 00:17:55,140 --> 00:17:57,608 - Who's the whore? - What did you just call me? 274 00:17:57,709 --> 00:18:00,701 - She's the maid. Relax. - Did you think I wasn't gonna find out? 275 00:18:04,850 --> 00:18:06,818 Damn. Look at that. My eyes are closed. 276 00:18:06,919 --> 00:18:08,614 I want half that lotto money, Earl. 277 00:18:08,720 --> 00:18:12,315 I wanted a legitimate baby and a wife who didn't huff paint on Thanksgivin'... 278 00:18:12,424 --> 00:18:15,222 but I guess life's full of little disappointments, now ain't it? 279 00:18:15,327 --> 00:18:18,387 They only had one Mello Yello left. You wanna wrestle for it? 280 00:18:18,497 --> 00:18:20,795 [ Groans ] 281 00:18:20,899 --> 00:18:23,732 That's it! Gimme the damn phone! 282 00:18:23,836 --> 00:18:28,739 I'm gonna get that money, Earl! I want it. 283 00:18:33,445 --> 00:18:35,606 - [ Catalina ] That's your ex-wife? - Yep. 284 00:18:35,714 --> 00:18:38,842 As crazy as she is, I'd be lyin' if I said I wasn't gonna miss her. 285 00:18:38,951 --> 00:18:42,478 - [ Grunts ] - [ Alarm Beeping ] 286 00:18:42,588 --> 00:18:45,523 [ Alarm Beeps, Stops ] 287 00:18:45,624 --> 00:18:48,092 - Hey, Earl. - Hey, Crab Man. 288 00:18:49,628 --> 00:18:51,596 What happened? 289 00:18:52,664 --> 00:18:55,792 Karma. Karma happened. 290 00:18:59,805 --> 00:19:01,898 [ Earl Narrating ] And I believed it too. Think about it. 291 00:19:02,007 --> 00:19:04,066 As soon as I decided not to help Kenny... 292 00:19:04,176 --> 00:19:07,543 Joy broke into my room and beat me up with a phone. 293 00:19:07,646 --> 00:19:10,206 That's when I realized I have to stick to the plan. 294 00:19:10,315 --> 00:19:12,579 There are no special circumstances. 295 00:19:12,684 --> 00:19:16,245 I may have made the list, but I do not make the rules. 296 00:19:16,355 --> 00:19:18,255 Karma makes the rules. 297 00:19:18,357 --> 00:19:22,453 The one-legged girl would have to wait. Kenny had to be first. 298 00:19:27,299 --> 00:19:30,791 - Stay away. I bought Mace. - I just want to talk, Kenny. Relax. 299 00:19:30,903 --> 00:19:35,033 [ Screaming ] Ow! 300 00:19:35,140 --> 00:19:37,768 Kenny? 301 00:19:37,876 --> 00:19:41,312 Hey, Kenny. How's it feelin' now? 302 00:19:41,413 --> 00:19:45,349 Better, yeah. Thanks for pinning me down on the ground... 303 00:19:45,450 --> 00:19:47,918 prying my eyes open and pouring the milk in. 304 00:19:48,020 --> 00:19:52,753 - I think that helped a lot. - You steal enough purses, you learn a few things about Mace. 305 00:19:52,858 --> 00:19:54,826 Mm-hmm. 306 00:20:03,468 --> 00:20:05,459 Why- [ Clears Throat ] 307 00:20:05,571 --> 00:20:07,869 God, wow. That's- [ Chuckles ] 308 00:20:07,973 --> 00:20:10,168 Why don't you have a man, Kenny? 309 00:20:10,275 --> 00:20:12,175 What? 310 00:20:12,277 --> 00:20:15,542 If you like... men... 311 00:20:15,647 --> 00:20:18,377 why don't you, uh, have a man? 312 00:20:18,483 --> 00:20:20,883 That's none of your business. 313 00:20:20,986 --> 00:20:22,886 No, it's not. I know that. 314 00:20:22,988 --> 00:20:26,321 Trust me, I don't really wanna know. It's just you seem lonely. 315 00:20:26,425 --> 00:20:30,953 And I gotta figure out how I'm gonna help you so I can cross you off my list. 316 00:20:31,063 --> 00:20:32,963 What list? 317 00:20:33,065 --> 00:20:36,432 You're number 64. But don't let that fool you. 318 00:20:36,535 --> 00:20:38,503 I'm doin' you first. 319 00:20:40,072 --> 00:20:44,304 You see, Kenny, my life sucks. 320 00:20:44,409 --> 00:20:46,934 And it's because I've been a bad person. 321 00:20:47,045 --> 00:20:49,172 I'm hopin' if I can do some good things... 322 00:20:49,281 --> 00:20:51,977 then maybe some good things might finally happen to me. 323 00:20:52,084 --> 00:20:54,484 You're talking about karma. 324 00:20:54,586 --> 00:20:57,146 You're a Carson Daly fan too, huh? 325 00:20:57,256 --> 00:21:00,248 Yeah, I'm talkin' about karma. 326 00:21:02,361 --> 00:21:04,420 You're really trying to change? 327 00:21:04,529 --> 00:21:06,759 If I don't, I think life's gonna kill me. 328 00:21:08,834 --> 00:21:12,770 I don't have a man because... nobody knows I'm gay. 329 00:21:12,871 --> 00:21:15,601 You know what this town is like, Earl. 330 00:21:15,707 --> 00:21:18,574 Besides, even if people knew, where am I gonna meet anyone? 331 00:21:18,677 --> 00:21:22,169 What about the city? Don't they have special bars for the queers? 332 00:21:22,281 --> 00:21:26,809 I'm sorry. Uh, Homosexual-Americans. 333 00:21:26,918 --> 00:21:28,818 I tried that once. 334 00:21:28,920 --> 00:21:33,857 I drove an hour and a half just to sit out front in my car, too scared to go in. 335 00:21:42,934 --> 00:21:45,266 - You need to move your car. - I'm straight! 336 00:21:45,370 --> 00:21:48,635 - You can't park here. - Okay. I'm straight! 337 00:21:51,543 --> 00:21:53,443 [ Clears Throat ] 338 00:21:53,545 --> 00:21:56,013 What if I went with you? [ Grunts ] 339 00:21:56,114 --> 00:22:00,813 - What? - Maybe you won't be scared if you're not alone. 340 00:22:00,919 --> 00:22:04,685 Earl Hickey is going to take me to a gay bar? 341 00:22:04,790 --> 00:22:07,054 I don't have a choice, Kenny. 342 00:22:08,927 --> 00:22:11,452 [ Men Chattering ] 343 00:22:14,433 --> 00:22:16,867 [ Earl Narrating ] I didn't wanna be the only non-gay there... 344 00:22:16,968 --> 00:22:21,564 so luckily, Randy agreed to go as soon as he heard there were gonna be bubbles. 345 00:22:23,475 --> 00:22:25,602 You like that one? 346 00:22:25,711 --> 00:22:28,737 Uh, I don't- I don't know. He's cute, I guess. 347 00:22:28,847 --> 00:22:31,372 All right. I'll go talk to him. 348 00:22:31,483 --> 00:22:33,246 You wanna be the man or the woman? 349 00:22:33,352 --> 00:22:36,185 Wait. You're just gonna go over there and talk to him? 350 00:22:36,288 --> 00:22:40,247 Yeah. He's gay, but he ain't gonna bite me. He ain't gonna bite me, is he? 351 00:22:40,359 --> 00:22:44,352 - Look, maybe I should do this myself. - I can't let you do that. 352 00:22:44,463 --> 00:22:47,364 I gotta be the one to help you if I wanna cross you off my list. 353 00:22:47,466 --> 00:22:50,663 Wait, wait, wait. You have helped me. 354 00:22:50,769 --> 00:22:53,431 Look, my whole life I've been scared to be who I really am... 355 00:22:53,538 --> 00:22:55,972 because of what people might think. 356 00:22:56,074 --> 00:22:58,770 But then Earl Hickey brought me to a gay bar. 357 00:22:58,877 --> 00:23:03,905 Earl Hickey went to Express for Men and bought me a shirt. 358 00:23:04,015 --> 00:23:08,008 Earl Hickey, the one man I was the most scared of in my whole life... 359 00:23:08,120 --> 00:23:10,213 has accepted me as I am. 360 00:23:11,823 --> 00:23:15,350 Look, when we were kids, you took away my confidence. 361 00:23:15,460 --> 00:23:20,124 But today you gave it back. Thanks, Earl. 362 00:23:24,803 --> 00:23:27,465 You can cross me off your list. 363 00:23:30,976 --> 00:23:32,876 [ Earl Narrating ] And there you have it. 364 00:23:32,978 --> 00:23:35,708 Never underestimate the power of confidence. 365 00:23:35,814 --> 00:23:39,875 It's midnight, boys. And that means it's time to take it old school. 366 00:23:44,790 --> 00:23:49,022 Oh, no, you didn't. Tell me you didn't just go old school! 367 00:23:59,037 --> 00:24:01,437 [ Earl Narrating ] And never underestimate 15 beers... 368 00:24:01,540 --> 00:24:04,134 a little enlightenment... 369 00:24:04,242 --> 00:24:07,143 and the power of Rob Base and DJ EZ Rock. 370 00:24:09,247 --> 00:24:13,081 Well, one down, 258 to go. 0 00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00 www.tvsubtitles.net