O-wee-o, o-wee-o.
We got the poverty. Where is the dough?
O-wee-o, o-wee-o.
We got the poverty. Where is the dough?
Shut up!
Get a job!
Somebody caII the cops?
That's aII there is, cops, and negroes, and priests.
You're waIking in a circIe.
It must be hot out there.
What are you doing?
You hit one.
Hey, watch the work.
To the men's room.
Less promises, more money!
Do you know somebody's throwing water bombs out your windows?
What are you taIking about?
Everybody saw it was coming from this fIoor.
We aII saw it.
This is the executive fIoor. That's utterIy ridicuIous.
Don't you caII us ridicuIous.
Is this what Madison Avenue represents?
And they caII us savages.
What are you doing up?
I thought this was the bathroom.
It's down there.
Okay.
You want breakfast?
Happy birthday.
Oh, thank you.
We shouId wait for his cake.
We're not gonna be here on his actuaI birthday.
Thank you.
It's from aII of us.
We'II go to the deIi for dinner tonight and have cherry cheesecake.
Open it now.
Yes, ma'am.
-Can I turn the bacon? -No.
I Iove it.
-Good morning, everybody. -Morning.
-Hi, Megan. -Hi.
That's so nice.
He needs one of those.
It's a badger, from its taiI.
-What are we doing today? -We're going to the Statue of Liberty.
You aIways say that, but we never do.
You hungry?
Just bIack coffee for me.
Okay, everybody.
Have a happy birthday.
Thank you, SaIs.
How oId are you gonna be?
Forty.
So, when you're 40, how oId wiII I be?
You'II be dead.
We're not gonna see you next weekend,
but we'II see you the weekend after.
-That's the 1 1th. -If you say so.
You'II be 70.
That's right.
You're not gonna come in?
No, but give Morticia and Lurch my Iove.
FIick the porch Iight when you get there, aII right?
-AII right. -Good night, animaIs.
Say good night, honey.
Good night, Daddy.
Get your brother's hand.
Bye.
You're Iosing your head there.
Dandruff.
It's spit-up.
I saw your wife dropping you off.
Such a sweet scene.
Yes.
She has quite a smiIe.
She's getting back to herseIf.
How oId is the kid?
I thought it wouId be a IittIe faster.
Does she cry aII the time?
No.
She just...
There was a time when she wouIdn't Ieave the house in a robe.
Listen, there's a point
when you go from going home on the 5:25 to the 7:05.
If you finaIIy Iearn how to drive, you can push it to 9:30.
You're getting the wrong impression.
Or not come home at aII.
Beth and I got into it so bad the other night,
I just jumped in the car and drove.
Made it aII the way to some moteI in Rocky HiII.
Put my fist through a waII.
Howard, don't get emotionaI again.
Maybe she's right.
Maybe I am a IittIe seIfish.
I said I needed time with my thoughts.
She asked me what I do at work aII day.
They don't understand.
Greenwich. Next stop, Greenwich, Port Chester, Rye...
Who am I kidding? It's nothing a IittIe peace wouIdn't fix.
There you go.
Morning.
Of course. I'II Iet him know.
-Was that for me? -No.
-Who was it? -ReaIIy?
Fine. What's Don up to today?
I see a Iot of napping and piIIow taIk.
That's your scheduIe.
You aII had the status meeting 20 minutes ago.
Can't you sit over there once in a whiIe?
What if I have someone important coming in?
When you have somebody come in, I wiII sit over there.
Here, why don't you buy yourseIf
a fancy hat or a mask or something?
No, thank you.
AII I'm asking for is a few hours a day
where the worId might mistake you for my secretary.
Joan said you were supposed to share.
And his phone rings more.
Joan's not here. And you just took $50 from me.
Let your conscience be your guide.
That feeIs good.
That feeIs so much better.
Yeah.
I was right. Somebody was very wet.
When you were that size, I used to change you every hour
whether you needed it or not.
I don't know how many times I have to say this.
Those go in the cabinet in the haIIway.
I'm sorry.
I thought it'd be easier if they were near your bathroom.
I didn't mean it that way.
I haven't sIept.
And I just feeI cooped up in here.
I think it's bad for Kevin to be out there untiI I'm done cIeaning the oven, the fumes.
I don't know why you had to do that on a hot summer day.
Anyway, I think we're about to run out of formuIa.
I'II get your purse.
HeIIo.
HeIIo, you. We're gonna take a nap. WouId you Iike that?
You want to Iay in the bed with Mommy?
A ten?
You buying his formuIa or yours?
I'II take him for a waIk.
Oh, God, wouId you?
You're gonna go with Grandma GaiI. That's where you're gonna go.
CIose the door.
How was everybody's weekend?
Great. We aII went waterskiing together.
-Made a human pyramid. -I was here.
SpIendid. So, I trust you're adequateIy prepared for the Heinz presentation.
Yes, boss. We have aImost everything.
Just short Mrs. Draper's work. She's writing the coupons.
Has Don signed off?
He's Iate, and so is she, coincidentIy.
CIara.
CIara!
She shouId have just roIIed over and said, "Don, what do you think of this?"
I bet she says that every morning.
Come on, it's 1 1 :00.
-No sunbathing? -No.
Look, we had a three-day weekend and you didn't do anything?
That's not my caIendar.
CIara.
How was your weekend?
-CIara, is Mr. Draper in yet? -No.
You're Iate for the status meeting.
You shouId probabIy go prepare instead of moIesting my secretary.
WeII, sweetheart, the torture's over. Let the fun begin.
My office is 30 yards away.
So when I hit that buzzer, I'm trying to save myseIf
a trip through the miracIe of teIephonics.
Mr. and Mrs. Draper are here.
-Good morning. -So sorry, we oversIept.
That's not true. I did.
How was MemoriaI Day?
It was nice. We had my kids.
You had the status meeting at 1 0:00.
-Morning. -Good morning.
Did you read about Y&R's paper bag drop?
I did.
-I don't see the humor. -It's funny.
I mean, if nothing eIse, it serves them right for steaIing Pond's.
And what does one thing have to do with the other?
They stoIe the Pond's account, and now they're a Iaughingstock.
Makes me feeI better.
GentIemen, shaII we mosey on over to the conference room?
We did have a meeting at 1 0:00.
Morning, Lane, cIipboard.
We shouId run a want ad saying something Iike,
"SterIing Cooper, an equaI opportunity empIoyer."
"Our windows don't open."
As tempting as it sounds,
I don't know if we need to be spending money
to further their embarrassment.
Look, if there's no Iine item for humiIiating the competition,
Don wiII write it and I'II pay for it.
But you're not aIIowed to read it.
Forget the want ads. The advertising coIumn.
I want them to see it.
So, Heinz is coming in. Don?
Yes. CaroIine, can you get Megan and the Heinz boards, pIease?
-Do you want the team? -No.
-What eIse? -Status is status quo on my end.
I'm supposed to have drinks with Bruce Lewis from OIdsmobiIe.
He wants to know if there's a way around Nader.
There isn't. Anything eIse?
Lane?
I have a Iunch at the 4As,
so I shouId be back in time, but not necessariIy conscious.
And according to the memo, Kenny finaIIy has signatures
from ChevaIier, GaIone, and ButIer Shoes.
Footwear. AII good news.
I suppose that brings this meeting to a cIose.
Don, may I speak with you privateIy?
I shouId take a Iook at these right away.
Mr. CampbeII.
I have a caII of nature.
Do not begin this meeting without me.
When is he free next?
You obviousIy haven't seen my coupons yet.
-Let's get out of here. -No.
Then Iock the door.
As soon as I'm in here Ionger than five minutes,
peopIe wiII start to...
What? Who?
I have to get these to Peggy.
You have a presentation, you know.
I couId make you go home right now, you know. I have that power.
Mr. Campbell is here to see you.
I just saw him.
I have to get back to work.
Open your bIouse.
You're a dirty oId man.
-Anything eIse? -No, ma'am.
I'm sorry. Am I interrupting?
I asked for your first avaiIabIe meeting,
and it turns out you have nothing to do today.
If you couId have any cIient in the worId, who wouId you want?
-American AirIines. -Why?
-Because they stood us up. -Right.
So, I started thinking, who has those feeIings about us?
Mohawk AirIines.
You were very cIose.
The company's in a Iot of troubIe.
It's very nice that things have not gone weII since we cut them Ioose.
They want to come back?
After the way we treated them...
So, that American AirIines thing isn't happening?
-I, for one, am very excited. -Oh, me, too.
I just don't understand the secrecy or the urgency.
I'm meeting with them today, and I think you shouId drop by.
Hank Lammott hit me pretty hard on his way out the door.
I may not heIp.
Don, you're the big draw.
They're not going to ask for someone eIse.
Look, get through this, get them back for more,
and I'II make time in my busy scheduIe.
Got it. I'II Iet you know when I need you to...
It's a good idea.
Can I get some coffee?
Oh, Megan, you're here.
I took a risk on one of them. "Two for 22 cents."
Nice.
Of course, we're reaIIy Iocked into the five-cents off, but good thinking.
Stan, can you do something to these?
Like what?
I don't know.
Do that thing with the border around the edge,
so it kind of Iooks Iike IegaI tender,
with the can of beans where Washington goes.
You want me to put a IittIe wig on him?
PIay with it.
Drop dead.
Keep asking me to be more and more specific
untiI you're drawing it yourseIf.
-Do you want me to move? -Oh, no, no.
-I'm just Iooking for gum. -Oh, I have some.
So, I have to ask your opinion about something.
You did a great job,
but I can't reaIIy go overboard on coupons.
I did that kind of baIoney for two years.
You shouId take comfort in the fact that it's very important to the cIient.
Too important.
No, it's something eIse.
Tomorrow's Don's birthday.
Oh, shit. It's June 1 st?
I forgot.
Got to get him something.
I stiII haven't gotten you a wedding present.
Sorry. You know how busy I've been.
No, it's just...
I'm throwing a party for him on Saturday.
It's a surprise.
Oh, okay.
For Don?
Yes.
Men hate surprises.
Didn't you have Lucy in Canada?
Look, nobody Iikes it in theory, but peopIe are aIways gIad.
And you've never seen me throw a party.
Everyone's going to go home from this and they're gonna have sex.
Okay.
Sounds Iike fun for us at Ieast.
I mean, if I'm invited. I don't want to assume.
You're invited. I'm not sure who eIse is.
I went through his RoIodex.
I crossed out aII the cIients and everyone he's fired.
That doesn't Ieave a Iot of peopIe.
Freddy Rumsen doesn't come to parties.
You have to invite Harry.
I know, but he reaIIy doesn't Iike him.
ReaIIy?
I didn't say anything.
-Frank KeIIer, his accountant? -He Iikes him.
There are six phone numbers for Herman PhiIIips.
-Is he important? -That's Duck.
What birthday is it?
How'd he do?
He was fussy the whoIe time.
But the eIevator aIways knocks him out.
It must be the vibration.
Who wouId have thought you'd be so good at this?
You'II be good at it, too, sweetheart.
What am I going to do when you go home?
Are you reaIIy going back to that office?
-You worked. -I had to.
Your husband's a doctor.
It doesn't matter.
I promised, and they need me.
I'm not saying you're not important to them,
but they aIso know that priorities change.
-They shouId, anyway. -Why are you doing this?
You don't know how sick you're going to feeI inside
or what you're going to miss.
What he's doing now, that's nothing.
-Just wait. -I know, I know.
I just...
I don't want to break my promise.
And Greg wiII be stationed at Fort Dix for a second year.
I can commute from New Jersey.
And then?
And then, when he's done,
we'II see.
Joan, he's not going to aIIow you to work.
AIIow me?
Whither thou goest, I wiII go.
And how did that work out for you?
Pete CampbeII. Late as usuaI.
He obviousIy didn't come in on a Mohawk pIane.
Hank. Jack.
You're not Iate. Roger toId us to come earIy.
Have a seat. You're onIy one behind, but they're nucIear.
Roger, they're Iooking for you back in the office.
It'II keep.
We were just Iaughing about Y&R.
It couIdn't have happened to a better bunch of bigots.
Roger, it's an emergency.
ReaIIy?
Oh, come on. We just got started.
AII right, aII right. Sorry, feIIas.
Heavy is the head that wears the crown.
You don't want me to fIy copiIot or be your wingman?
Check your vaIises? HoId your airsickness bag?
Do you want me to throw one into the bag you're in?
You enjoy yourseIf, then. Garçon, assume that these are gone.
I shouId warn you about these two. They're a thirsty Iot.
AIways a pIeasure.
When you're done with him, just foId him up and sIide him under the door.
I Iove that guy.
And so we take advantage of this new microphotography
and high-speed camera to show...
A bean baIIet.
Spinning in air with their deIicious perfection,
the beans pirouette in sIow motion, they somersauIt in sIow motion.
Some of them spin cIockwise, some counter-cIockwise
so they'II appear to be moving towards each other.
UntiI...
They drop into a fuII can, first seen from the top.
There's a spIash of mouth-watering sauce as each one Iands.
Then we cut to the front, the iconic IabeI.
"The art of supper."
Have you done this before, this speciaI photography?
It's been done before, but you'II be the first on TV.
How do they get the beans to do that? They can't just get Iucky.
This camera can show a buIIet spinning in midair.
Where's the bite and smiIe?
Ken, you said there'd be a bite and smiIe on the phone.
I think I said there was going to be a bean baIIet, Raymond,
but I'm sure we can add that.
And what do they take away from it?
It puts beans on their mind.
It's an unforgettabIe image. And beIieve it or not, it makes them exciting.
And it'II show you have a sense of humor
because, reaIIy, they're being portrayed as far more important than they are.
You ever see beans up cIose?
They're sIimy. They Iook Iike a bunch of bIoody organs.
And it's not just for feIIas Iike me that saw things in Korea.
Kidney beans are caIIed kidney beans because they're shaped that way.
But you couId caII aII beans that.
They Iook better in a group, in a bowI.
HeII, what's wrong with a spoon?
Don.
-WeII, heIIo, Don. -HeIIo, Raymond.
Good to see you. Are you as excited about this as we are?
I don't know.
You said to be boId. Nothing on TV is going to Iook Iike this.
And just imagine seeing one of these dancing beans on the subway waII.
PeopIe wiII hear the music in their heads.
Look, it's very artistic.
And I want to be boId,
but this isn't what I had in mind
when I was taIking about a new generation of consumers.
The ketchup kids, are they even going to notice this?
I mean, that waItz aIone reminds me of oId peopIe.
Maybe I wasn't cIear.
This is temporary music. We can change it.
It's got no message.
I can see your point.
Beans...
Is the war, the Depression, bomb sheIters.
We have to erase that.
They have to be cooI. Don, you know what I'm taIking about.
I want the kids in coIIege.
It's convenient. They have the hot pIate. They're sitting in.
Okay. We'II work on that.
Maybe it's someone with a picket sign saying, "We want beans."
You know what, Raymond? This is ourjob from here on out.
We'II make you happy.
I'm reaIIy sorry about that.
PIease, this is a process.
Let me waIk you out.
What eIse you got?
That was the best thing so far.
UnIess you Iike this beans protest.
PIease, you can't be surprised that, that man doesn't have a taste for baIIet.
It's a joke on baIIet.
And you can't be surprised he doesn't have a sense of humor.
I'm not, but I guess I thought you'd come in here
and teII them how good it was.
Do I reaIIy want to waste an hour and a haIf shoving it down his throat,
onIy to have him puII the pIug at the Iast minute?
This is business that came in over the transom.
We didn't pitch it.
He has every right to make us work for it.
I wish I wouId have known that. I wouId have saved this for round two.
We'II get him next time.
CaroIine.
Is he in?
He's gone for the day.
Damn it. CIara.
CIara!
Oh, my goodness. What happened?
-You want me to get some tissue? -No.
I want you to teII me why Roger SterIing was at my meeting.
-I don't know. -I know.
Because he hovers over your desk Iike a damn U-2.
-What? -You think he's Iooking at your breasts?
He's Iooking at my caIendar.
-Did she hit you? -Thank you, CIara.
You've done enough damage for today.
You need to Iower your voice. Have a drink.
No, no more drinks.
Heinz Iooked miserabIe.
They're making us work for it. Don didn't seem worried.
Did you crash with Mohawk?
No, it was perfect.
Except for my deep nausea and impending headache.
Oh, and Roger made an appearance.
WeII, that shows it's a good Iead.
It's my Iead.
Wasn't Roger in the service with Henry Lammott?
Did you do any rowing?
-You rowed? -I was a coxswain.
The boat moves because everyone puIIs in the same direction.
I'm not supposed to worry about Roger. I'm supposed to worry about other agencies.
You shouIdn't be worried at aII. Business is stabIe.
StabIe is that step backwards between successfuI and faiIing.
Fine, Pete.
Just don't be impatient.
You know how this works from here on out.
We start with a bunch of piddIy shit,
your Topaz, your White Knight CoIogne,
we add your mid-sized stuff, maybe Mohawk.
We stiII got Vicks, that's big.
Next, we worm our way into a few niche companies,
get something sexy in a good neighborhood,
a pharmaceuticaI.
Maybe if God is gracious, a car.
And then, we go pubIic.
Open an office in Buenos Aires,
and EIvis pIays at Tammy's sweet 1 6.
Kenny Cosgrove writes another great American noveI.
You know it didn't hurt to have Roger warm them up.
There's no one better at turning a meeting into a bender.
And they Iove his pickIed guts.
Am I going to see you at Chez Draper on Saturday?
I wish I couId get overtime for it.
You ready?
We're aImost done, actuaIIy.
Do you need her?
No, it's okay. It'II be here in the morning.
Great.
Big weekend pIans?
It's Tuesday. I don't know.
I was taIking about me. My cousin's coming in.
Stan, assume that you're working.
Good night.
You're amazing.
It couId have been worse.
-I aImost said, "I'm sorry I can't make it." -You're not going?
No, my cousin's on shore Ieave. He's onIy got two days.
A IittIe notice wouId have been nice.
I wouId have Ioved to have seen the Iook on Don's face.
You aImost just saw it.
Like we have nothing eIse to do.
Did you beIieve him in there?
The guy didn't Iike it. What was he supposed to say?
What he usuaIIy says.
"Hey, buddy, you got such great ideas, open your own agency."
The cIients are right aII of a sudden? I don't recognize that man.
He's kind and patient.
And it gaIIs you.
No, it concerns me.
Where are you going?
I've got tickets to the bean baIIet and the curtain's about to go up.
Never gets oId.
You're home Iate.
I thought I was going to have to waIk home from the station,
but IuckiIy there was a cab driver Ieaving a bar.
How was your day?
I didn't want to disturb you.
This becomes a home the minute you waIk through that door.
There's no fruit to my Iabor, Tweety.
WeII, I suppose none of this counts.
An acre of Iand, a wife, a chiId.
That has nothing to do with work.
I'm ungratefuI.
I'm sorry.
Dissatisfaction is a symptom of ambition.
It's the coaI that fueIs the fire. You know that.
Do you reaIIy want a dog?
Maybe just a beagIe to scare off gophers.
We'II see.
Oh, IuckiIy my parents can baby-sit Saturday.
Now, teII me the truth. Did Megan reaIIy just invite you today?
She did. I don't know about everyone eIse.
WeII, she's very impuIsive. We know that.
I have to go to bed. Tammy wiII be up in a hour.
Go ahead.
Attention, party guests.
HeIIo.
We're T-minus five minutes or so.
So, if we can bring things down to a sotto voce,
that wouId heIp.
I'm gonna turn off the Iights.
No!
WeII, fine. Just keep it down.
My God, is he queer.
He reminds me of Lane's brother.
FinaIIy.
We're gonna go inside in a second.
You're the one that dragged me out of the restaurant.
Come on.
You have to knock. You have to knock to get in.
What if it's started aIready?
It doesn't matter if it's started, you stiII have to knock.
No.
We were just in the neighborhood.
And my mother aIways said never show up empty-handed.
Oh, damn it.
No.
Surprise!
Sorry, I bIew it in the haII.
But I am very surprised.
Don.
I have to say that I am honored and touched
to be incIuded in this group of intimates.
And I predicted this, did I not?
This.
Who is this?
Oh, that's my wife.
Hi.
-Nice to meet you. -Charmed.
The domino theory is not a joke.
The Vietnamese are fighting a civiI war.
There is no monoIithic communism.
-It's an excuse. -ReaIIy?
Come on, Bert. It's for profit.
Bombs are the perfect product.
They cost a fortune and you onIy use them once.
So, I suppose this young man here is coming home in a bag for nothing.
If he's Iucky. You ever read Johnny Got His Gun?
No eyes, no ears, no nose, tapping out his Iast wishes in Morse Code
with his deformed head.
I thought there were going to be girIs here.
For pureIy seIfish reasons, I want to thank you for excIuding Joan.
I wouId have had to buy earpIugs for the ride home.
It wasn't up to me. Can't you teII?
HeII of a party. Jennifer couIdn't make it.
-I'm sorry to hear that. -No, she couIdn't get a date.
Anyway, I know she said no gifts, but I got you this.
Open it.
You don't have to if you don't want to.
It's a siIver-handIed waIking stick.
Oh, Iook, he got you a cane.
Don Ameche has one. It's a Steinway waIking stick.
You couId stick it up your ass and have a concert.
Thank you very much.
Oh, my God, reaIIy?
A negro homosexuaI, a Canadian sexpot, and unaccompanied redhead.
I think this may be my key demographic.
Don't. Just Ieave it aIone.
I know.
You're wondering what they're Iaughing about.
It's not you.
WeII, I, for one, think you're very brave, Megan.
My mother aIways said
a woman shouId surprise her husband every day.
That's why they had no Iock on the WC.
It's true.
Look at you deIivering drinks. We shouId get you a pair of roIIer skates.
Roger, I didn't know you were invited.
Or did you just hear I was coming and show up?
Is he going baId?
It just goes on and on.
It's beautifuI, but it's very Ioud.
Listen, you can hear the traffic even over this party.
I know.
Who cares? I just want to take my pants off and sIide my ass on the carpet.
How's the summer treating you?
WeII, it's been good because it's been bad.
What do you do exactIy?
He's a journaIist.
Underground papers mostIy.
You may not have seen it.
And what exactIy has been bad?
WeII, I don't know. Four riots in three cities in two months.
It is terribIe. And Lord knows the poIice aren't much heIp.
I was raised sex, poIitics, and reIigion aren't party taIk.
WeII, what does that Ieave?
I don't know. AIcohoI and work?
HeIIo again.
Trudes, which one is Jane SterIing again?
The gIamour puss with the tan.
Marry earIy and often.
We're thinking about smoking some tea with Megan's friends out there.
-WiII you keep an eye out for Don? -As Iong as you're just thinking about it.
You shouId join us. Kenny gets brave and recites poems.
And she thinks they're good.
Oh, absoIuteIy.
Megan was the best waitress they ever had.
No, but I did get the best tips.
-How did you manage that? -She Iaid on that accent.
You know, she's a reaIIy good actress.
Not good enough, obviousIy.
-JuIia, come here for a second. -HeIIo there.
HeIIo.
-GIad you couId come. -Great party.
You got a great spread here.
I just wanted to make sure we said hi.
I can't stay that Iong. I have to go back and redo the Heinz pitch.
But I guess you know that.
Come on, Don.
What are you doing?
Was that bad?
HeII, Iook who you're taIking to. How do I know?
Okay, everyone. My friends.
First of aII, I wanted to thank you aII for coming.
And second of aII,
I think I've had just enough to drink
that I'm ready to give my own present to the birthday boy.
Thank you. Thank you aII for coming.
I think we shouId caII it a night.
AbsoIuteIy not, Don.
You stay there.
Did you buy him a pony?
Happy birthday, baby.
Why don't you sing Iike that?
Why don't you Iook Iike him?
Je m'appelle Roger.
If I may raise a gIass.
Happy birthday, Don!
As I was saying.
To Megan,
for Ietting us see the Don Draper smiIe usuaIIy reserved for cIients.
Hear, hear!
And to Don,
you Iucky so and so.
As a wise man once said,
the onIy thing worse than not getting what you want
is someone eIse getting it.
Okay, now, no one has caIIed and compIained,
so there's no reason everyone shouIdn't dance.
I shouId probabIy cIean up.
Leave it for the girI.
She doesn't come tiII Monday.
CaII her and have her come tomorrow.
And Monday.
ProbIem soIved.
Did you have fun?
Move over.
No, I just want to sIeep.
Oh, come on.
I know you had a good time. I can see it.
I don't want to taIk. I just want to go to sIeep.
Hey.
Don't waste money on things Iike that.
It was my money,
and you don't get to decide what I do with it.
WeII, couId you pIease not use it to embarrass me again?
What?
I know why you're upset.
You're 40.
I've been 40 for haIf a year.
When is that gonna stop? OnIy you know that.
This is your birthday now.
Fine,
I don't Iike my birthday.
I toId you, I never had it when I was growing up and
I've never wanted it since.
You never had a birthday?
Didn't Betty ever throw you a party?
No, because I forbid it.
Why?
I don't need to be the center of attention.
You Iove attention.
You twitched every time I taIked to another person.
More peopIe feeI the way I do than the way you do.
Where's your research?
Fine, I'm 40.
It's too Iate.
Nobody Ioves Dick Whitman.
I Iove you.
That's why I threw you a party.
I'm going to sIeep.
You can do what you want.
Excuse me. Someone's Ieft...
There's a waIIet here from some previous passenger.
I'II turn it in to dispatch. They got a Iost and found.
There's cIose to $1 00.
Yeah, it happens aII the time.
I'd feeI better if I saw to its return.
You're putting me in a jam here. The guy's gonna caII Iooking for it.
That's me.
You know what? You do what you got to do, mister.
That's for you.
High tides and heavy surf
battered the coast of North Carolina today.
Force 20 winds and heavy rain forced evacuation
along the coast as far inland as three miles.
That was quite a soiree.
Did Masters and Johnson come in yet?
They haven't passed by.
I shouId come and sit down so I can see them sIink in, in shame.
You seem to be in fine spirits.
WeII, I didn't get into too much troubIe on Saturday.
PIus, Mohawk caIIed me at home this morning.
l hate to interrupt, Mr. Pryce, but l have your wife.
-Which Iine? -Three.
-lt's blinking. -They're aII bIinking.
Three.
-If you don't mind. -I've caIIed a partners' meeting.
HeIIo, dearest.
Look, I know you were upset when you Ieft,
and perhaps I'm overreacting.
Becca, dear,
this is why I don't Iike you opening the maiI.
I onIy want to ensure that NigeI is enroIIed in the faII.
NigeI's enroIIment isn't an issue whether we pay now or not.
Then why wouId they attach such a threatening Ietter to a biII?
WouIdn't you rather have your money in June than September if you were them?
WeII, I worry about them saving his spot for him,
especiaIIy with his marks.
I assure you that St. PauI's is aware that we pIan on having him return
and simpIy wishes to earn whatever interest they can
on the fuII amount for the next three months.
Couldn't you spare that interest in exchange for my peace of mind?
Lane, darling?
What? I'm sorry. I didn't get that Iast bit.
Nothing.
Don't forget to get the name of Megan's reaI estate agent.
Yes, dear.
And her decorator.
ApoIo, you're so good with him.
I wasn't expecting you back so soon.
First in Iine at the post office. It wasn't that bad.
HeIIo, Miss Joan.
Sink is draining.
Turns out it was a Iemon peeI.
I'm sure you know we're appreciative, but Mother and I have so much to do.
I am busy, busy, too.
You don't have to rush off.
He doesn't have to rush off, does he?
When you need ApoIo, you caII ApoIo.
Miss Joan.
I want him to hear. That was just rude.
It is one thing to have him work here,
it is another thing to give him cake and my baby.
His fingers have been in every toiIet from here to the Bowery.
He brought the cookies.
If you want to go on a date with him, just ask.
He's married with four chiIdren.
I'm just making sure this apartment gets his attention.
This apartment has never had any troubIe getting his attention.
Yes, Joanie. Everyone's staring at you.
You know you're not exactIy at your fighting weight.
Try me.
You asked me to come out here.
You can go home any time you want.
You shouId think before you say that.
I got my money's worth.
WeII, I wasn't going to show you this.
That doesn't make any sense.
Look, I'm sure it's not the way anyone wants you to find out.
No, it's not in the want ads.
And, honestIy, they don't have the money for more peopIe.
It's not more peopIe. It's you.
You Iove stirring the shit.
I am teIIing you something you don't want to hear,
and you are making this very painfuI for me.
Megan Draperjust invited me to her party.
At the very Iast minute. Don't teII me that girI's not conniving.
You think she wants you around her husband?
I'm going to Iie down.
Sometimes Iife makes decisions for you.
-Have a good day. -Okay.
I know your birthday was Iast week,
and I was toId you don't ceIebrate it and not to bring it up.
Now I feeI Iike I got caught with my pants down,
so I got you a IittIe something.
It's a pIant.
I just wanted to say happy birthday.
Kiss-ass.
Thank you.
I can get you some coffee, but there's a partners' meeting.
-Nobody's there. -It's in Mr. CampbeII's office.
-You want to smiIe? -Is it your obituary?
No, it's the IittIe saIt we rubbed in Y&R's wound.
It's beautifuI, no?
-That's Mr. CampbeII. -ShaII we?
What?
We don't make fun of each other's wives here. Understood?
Come on, I wasn't making fun of her. I was making fun of you.
-You're happy. -I am.
WeII, I want you to be happy.
Somebody shouId be.
You know, two weeks ago,
Jane asked me, "Which one's MussoIini?"
No, it's good. She's a great girI.
They're aII great girIs. At Ieast untiI they want something.
Let's go.
They're just Ieaving now.
What, did they stop for a drink?
WeII, why don't you get off your rear, find them, and teII them I'm about...
They're here.
GentIemen, if you couId sIide over a bit.
-A marveIous fete. -Oh, yes.
I have instructions from Trudy to thank both of you.
-Why are we meeting in here? -Why are we here?
PIease, don't smoke in here. I spent the morning choking on the train.
So, Mohawk is coming in. I've brought them in.
-What do you know about that? -That's great news.
-When? -I don't know.
AII I was thinking is that I bring Henry and Jack in here
to this very gathering of individuaIs, but I have one question.
Where are they going to sit?
I mean, what kind of impression does this space give you?
Do you gaze upon the cement coIumn and think,
"Yes, I beIieve success for me and my company dweIIs here."
Why don't you take them to the conference room?
Because it's not that meeting.
Fine, we'II have it in my office.
This does not invoIve you, Roger.
Nor does Vicks, PIaytex, Life cereaI, Samsonite,
Sugarberry Ham, Secor Laxative.
Need I go on?
What are you suggesting?
He's suggesting that you give him your office.
-No, he's not. -Yes, I am.
WeII, forget it.
Where am I supposed to conduct business?
In the crapper, for aII I care.
I'm a fuII partner and you're a junior, so sorry, CharIie, but them's the breaks.
GentIemen, I'm sure we can find an equitabIe soIution to this.
-There's no need for a row. -You're right.
I say we put it to a vote.
I say we step outside.
I didn't think so.
Good work on Mohawk.
Thank you, but I'm dead serious about this.
I have too much responsibiIity and too much business
to appIy my skiIIs in this environment.
You aII know it.
We'II buy more space.
-If we're handing out offices... -AbsoIuteIy not.
I can't extend our credit Iine any further.
It'II work itseIf out.
CongratuIations.
When are they coming in?
I'm stiII not sure they shouId, considering the situation.
Great party, Don.
AbsoIuteIy.
I couIdn't sIeep.
Those tits and that mouth.
She's such a sex kitten.
That whoIe dance. How did he just sit there?
You can't stand up once you get in that condition.
I wouId have. I wouId have just stood up and grabbed her IittIe French behind
and pushed her through those cheap post-war waIIs.
-Hi, Megan. -Very funny.
God, what I wouId do to her.
Like what, for exampIe?
I'II teII you what.
I wouId Iove to see those heeIs on my shouIder.
"Je voudrais mas Harry."
Good morning.
Great party.
ThriIIed to be incIuded. Jennifer was very jeaIous.
I think I'm gonna die.
You couId have warned me.
I did.
l have the owner of the wallet returning your call.
Thank you.
-HeIIo. -Hello, Mr. Pryce.
l'm calling for Alex Polito.
-And who is this? -This is his girl, Delores.
WeII, when he comes into the office,
I think I shouId speak with him personaIIy.
l'm not his secretary. l'm his girl.
l'm like his wife, but l can't call myself that.
You don't sound happy about that.
-Excuse me? -I'm married myseIf.
Good for you. What's her name?
Rebecca. Rebecca Pryce. WeII, obviousIy.
-That's a pretty name. -I suppose so.
She enjoys it.
Do you think she's home right now, lying in bed, talking to a stranger?
I shouId hope not.
So, you have Alex's wallet?
Yes, I do.
-And where are you? -I'm at my offices in Midtown.
Are you in big business?
Excuse me?
Are you in a big office building?
Yes.
That's why I don't have the Iuxury of Iying around at 1 1 :00 in my underthings.
l didn't tell you that part.
You didn't say I was incorrect, either.
Where the hell are you from?
You sound like Cary Grant.
I toId you, Midtown.
Why don't I...
Listen, I reaIIy shouId return this, you know, the waIIet.
I couId sIip it in the post or...
Of course, you know, that has its disadvantages.
There's a bit of cash here.
Or I couId hand-deIiver it.
Is this a current address?
l don't know.
l don't know if that would be proper.
No, of course.
Why don't you meet me at my pIace of business?
I'II give you the address or have my secretary heIp you.
Yeah. Why don't we do that?
And l'll come by when l can.
WeII, I'II be here the rest of my Iife.
Just a minute.
I Iook forward to it.
Why not?
ToodIe-oo.
That's cute.
ScarIett, wouId you give this woman directions to our office?
She's on Iine three.
Mr. Crane, Mr. Sterling has requested you in his office.
Is there a meeting?
He just came over here, said he needed to see you, and walked away.
-Why didn't he come in? -l don't know.
He knows you're in there.
Okay. Okay. Did you see him taIking to Megan or Don?
l've been working.
-What did you do? -Nothing!
You wanted to see me?
I did. Come in, have a seat.
No, that's okay.
I think you shouId have a seat.
Okay.
Now,
I think you know that we Iike to think of this pIace as a famiIy.
And there are certain ways a famiIy behaves.
What did she say? You have to hear my side of it.
Your side of what?
What... Nothing.
You're aIways up to something, aren't you, Crane?
It was an honest mistake and I consider myseIf reprimanded.
Great.
I was thinking Pete couId take your office.
ReaIIy?
Look, I wiII apoIogize face to face,
as horribIe as that wiII be, but I think you're...
There's no reason to Iet me go.
You're not getting fired.
And what the heII did you do?
I made fun of Zou Bisou.
So did I.
Is that a crime? No.
I tried to get Jane to taIk to me in that accent. Nothing doing.
She doesn't speak French. She doesn't Iike me.
I went home after and Jennifer didn't know what was coming.
-I was Iike... -I don't want to hear that.
No, of course you don't. Why wouId you?
Look, I think you can understand that Pete needs a bigger office.
And just between you, me, and the window washer,
it's been decided that you shouId trade.
-Who decided that? -I did.
I can't do that. And I don't know that I have to do it.
Do I?
Harry.
I'm asking you as a friend.
And I appreciate that, Roger, I reaIIy do, but I need my office.
Look, first of aII, Pete's office isn't that different.
-I disagree. -Fine.
Name the most important person you couId bring into this office.
WiIIiam PaIey.
Okay, so you shouIdn't do that.
Trust me, network and studio executives want to think you're out there jet-setting,
rubbing shouIders with teIevision stars and chorus girIs.
You shouId be taIking to cIients ringside
or at a three-star restaurant, not coming into your miserabIe IittIe office.
But I do. I come in here aImost every day.
And Pete's office is a shithoIe with a support beam.
What if I were to make it worth your whiIe?
I'm aIready head of my department.
What wouId be an appropriate bonus?
There's no bonuses. We have no money.
How much wouId it take?
WeII, first of aII, it's more than you couId have on you.
ReaIIy?
That's $1 ,1 00.
Why do you carry so much cash?
It's more than 1 ,000, Harry.
That is a month's saIary after taxes.
There's no window in there.
You couId buy yourseIf a very beautifuI picture of something to Iook at.
WeII, okay. But you're gonna owe me.
No, I'm not. I just gave you a Iot of money.
This is a transaction. And if you don't Iike it,
we can have the conversation you thought we were having.
-So this is every month? -Get the heII out of my office.
Excuse me. I'm sorry.
I'm Joan.
I'm Meredith. Can I heIp you?
Joan Harris.
I work here.
Worked here. I've been on Ieave.
Joan. My goodness.
It's hard to beIieve you just had a baby.
You don't know where I started.
Do you want me to announce you?
No, I'II Iet myseIf in.
Are you sure?
No one mentioned a new girI.
I guess they needed someone up here because ScarIett is now covering Mr. Pryce
so that she can do the books with CIara.
WeII, now I can understand why I wasn't toId.
Oh, my God. My mouth.
CouId you just heIp me with the door?
He's adorabIe.
PIease don't be mad at me for teIIing you that.
I'm very happy being nobody here.
I know a girI who had yourjob who ended up with everything.
Where wouId you Iike to visit first?
I suppose my office.
Yes, yes, absoIuteIy. Joan.
My goodness, you Iook radiant.
-Can I see him? -I don't see why not.
-Where's ScarIett? -Go fetch CaroIine.
Joanie.
Look at you out and about.
Yes, we're gonna stop by The Copa Iater.
One of us badIy needs a drink.
Lane made it very cIear we're not hiring anybody.
I don't care how buxom his mother is.
Don.
-Look at that. -He's okay.
HeIIo, Megan.
HeIIo, Joan.
I'm sure I'm not ruining any surprises at this point,
but how was your party? I'm sorry I missed it.
He's adorabIe.
Are we weIcoming you back?
-That was my impression. -Today?
-Do you want to hoId him? -What?
He's a IittIe cabbage.
It's just a matter of time, Don.
I shouId be getting back to work.
I'm gonna quit whiIe I'm ahead.
Joanie, I'II say what I said when you Ieft here,
this is not a good excuse.
Nice to see you.
-When are you coming back? -I was pIanning on three weeks.
My mother's Ieaving any day, so I was gonna hire a girI.
It's gonna be terribIe to Ieave him.
Joan.
I was wondering if you were going to visit.
My hands are dirty.
Oh, my God. He Iooks just Iike you.
I shouId get back to work. I have more than ever, thanks to you, Joan.
Good.
So, how are you?
WeII, weII, weII.
There's my baby.
Now move that brat out of the way so I can see her.
HeIIo, Roger.
LittIe dud Iike my present?
I'm sure you're aware that a bicycIe's not usefuI yet, UncIe Roger.
Oh, no? He's a Ioafer?
He's been keeping me awake. He needs constant attention.
Is that right? Let me see that.
Has anyone even seen this baby with you waIking next to him?
Scarlett. Scarlett, may l see you?
I got it.
Mr. Pryce, Mrs. Harris is here to see you.
-Send her in. -I've got him.
CaroIine, I need you to make dinner reservations right away.
I'II be right back.
This reaIIy is an unexpected pIeasure.
Just stopping by.
Anything I shouId know about?
Yes, actuaIIy. Pressing business.
WouId you mind?
No, not at aII.
What are we supposed to do with him?
Better than the steps of a church, I guess.
Have either of you seen CIara?
No.
What's that?
It's Joan's IittIe boy.
That's darIing.
WouId you pIease take him and give him back to Joan?
Do I suddenIy appear to be wearing a skirt?
SpectacuIar party.
Just take him. You shouId say heIIo to Joan anyways.
CIara?
She Iooks very good.
She does. She Iooked good at nine months.
I don't know about that.
I'm surprised you didn't teII her.
-TeII her what? -That she Iooked terribIe.
You seem to say whatever's on your mind.
Is something wrong?
No.
I got the Vicks coupons done.
I know you thought you were the onIy one working this weekend.
No, I didn't.
ReaIIy? That's what you said to Don.
I know. I had too much to drink and...
And you couIdn't resist saying something obnoxious?
WeII, just so we're cIear, I put in a Iot of work on Heinz. So did you.
You can't even apoIogize. None of you can.
-I'm sorry. -You're sorry?
What is wrong with you peopIe?
You're aII so cynicaI. You don't smiIe. You smirk.
Is he mad at me?
I don't care.
Who wouIdn't want a surprise party?
I don't feeI weII.
Megan...
No, reaIIy, I don't feeI weII.
Am I aIIowed to go home?
Of course.
I'm so sorry. You were right.
I apoIogize.
It's fine.
Heinz won't sign off on the work.
So they won't be back in for 30 days,
which means we won't get paid for another 90.
And we're about to shoot Christmas ads for Sugarberry and Vicks.
But they won't run untiI Christmas,
so we won't get paid untiI Easter.
WeII, that expIains why you're asking me for aII this free advice.
I'm just trying to get things in order.
So that you can eIiminate my job?
What? AbsoIuteIy not.
-Then why did you run an ad? -What ad?
-In this morning's Times. -Oh, that.
That wasn't an ad.
WeII, what the heII was it, then?
It was some private barb directed at Y&R.
Mrs. Harris, the books have practicaIIy been heId together
with spit in your absence.
What about ScarIett and CIara spIitting my work?
SpIitting?
The two of them together couIdn't operate a parking meter. They're imbeciIes.
WeII, that was a dumb thing to do.
Oh, there, there.
I'm sorry.
I've been Iike this since the baby.
And it's not him.
I just
keep thinking about what's going on here, and I missed it too much.
It's too embarrassing.
Nothing's happened.
Something aIways happens. Things are different.
Somebody teIIs a joke and you don't know what they're taIking about.
There have been no jokes, not without you.
Not even at my expense?
I'm terribIy adrift without you.
It's just a matter of time before they find out I'm a sham.
Nobody came to visit me.
They sent fIowers with some stupid card written by the fIorist.
There wouId have been a cake, but you weren't here to arrange it.
It's just...
And I don't expect you to understand this,
but my husband's been gone so Iong.
And I know he's coming home soon.
And even with my baby there and my mother,
I feeI aIone.
It's home, but it's not everything.
I do understand.
Now, I won't have everyone thinking I've made you cry.
WeII, at Ieast teII me about the party.
Mrs. Draper put on a bit of a burIesque.
-No. -Oh, yes.
She danced and sang in front of aII of us.
She was quite the coquette.
I can't do it justice.
And Don?
I saw his souI Ieave his body.
I can't even imagine how handsome that man must be bIushing.
Yes.
I don't know how I ended up with him, but...
Thank you so much.
Mr. Pryce, I wiII be speaking with you.
Let me take a Iook at him at Ieast.
Handsome IittIe bIagger.
Have you seen CIara?
CongratuIations. We're gonna be right next to each other finaIIy.
What's going on?
CIara, couId you excuse us?
WeII, she obviousIy aIready knows.
PIease.
Roger, you know, convinced me.
We aII thought it was best for the firm that you have a bigger office,
so I was asked to switch.
I'II be right back.
I appreciate your sacrifice, but a bigger office was not the point.
WeII, fine, then. I'II switch back.
Roger didn't say I couIdn't switch back.
I don't care what Roger says. I am the head of accounts.
I am bringing in aII the business. I deserve the bigger office.
It's a great office, Pete.
It's very important.
It's got the windows. God, I'm gonna miss them.
And you did this because Roger toId you to?
And aIso because I respect you so much.
What do you want me to say?
Look, I just need a pIace to hide untiI Megan Ieaves.
Oh, God, unIess she toId Don.
She's not gonna teII Don, is she?
I don't know what you're taIking about.
Come in.
What's up?
At your party, which was IoveIy,
I said something which I shouIdn't have said,
and I want to apoIogize if you had a bad time because of it.
I had a wonderfuI time.
WeII, good.
The onIy reason I'm bringing it up is Megan seemed kind of upset.
I'm very sorry.
I shouId not be aIIowed to drink at work functions.
Or at aII, honestIy.
-What did she say? -Nothing.
But she went home. She wasn't feeIing weII.
I'm mortified if I had something to do with it.
When did she Ieave?
I think she wants to be aIone.
You don't know her at aII.
CaroIine.
I'm done for the day.
Mr. Pryce.
Yes, ScarIett?
There's a gentleman here, the owner of the wallet, Mr. Polito.
He's in reception. Shall l bring him back?
No, absoIuteIy not.
Well, do you want to see him?
Yes, I'II be out in a moment.
Of course, Mr. Pryce.
Thank you, DeIores.
-Excuse me? -I said... Just a minute.
HeIIo.
Are you Mr. PoIito?
I am. AIthough there's no way for you to know that.
You got my waIIet.
I contacted you.
Thank you.
WeII, I'm gIad this worked out.
HoId on.
Just hoId on a second.
Everything's there.
So it is.
WeII, you can't bIame me.
My horse came in and then I Iost my waIIet.
Then it came in again.
No, that's not necessary.
-You've got to take a reward. -I couIdn't possibIy.
My girI said you were reaI poIite.
ObviousIy from the accent, you're not from around here.
No, I'm not.
This is the way we do things.
Thanks again. I mean it.
You're a reaI gentIeman.
Megan? Where are you?
You're home.
So are you. What happened?
Nothing.
You just Ieft without me?
-I was upset. -That's cIear.
About what?
Because my apartment is fiIthy.
Where's the girI?
I sent her home.
What are you doing?
I'm cIeaning up. I don't want to get sweaty.
-Like that? -Don't you Iook at me.
I'm taIking to you.
I'm cIeaning up.
ReaIIy?
Stop Iooking at me. You aren't aIIowed to Iook at me.
Then put some cIothes on.
I said stop it. You don't deserve it.
Come on.
You don't Iike presents. You don't Iike nice things.
Besides, you're too oId.
I don't need an oId person.
You probabIy couIdn't do it anyway.
Don't!
-Get up. -No.
I don't want peopIe to think you're getting this.
You want it so badIy.
I don't want it. I don't want you.
You don't get to have this. Go sit over there.
AII you get to do is watch.
Where's Harry?
Who cares?
I'm sorry. Do you need to see Mr. CampbeII?
No.
Is Roger SterIing stiII here?
Yes.
I want you to Iet him do whatever he wants.
And I want you to penciI in an appointment tomorrow
at the coffee shop in the ferry buiIding in Staten IsIand.
6:00 a.m.
With Coca-CoIa.
Okay.
That'II be aII.
I don't think those peopIe Iike me.
That's not true.
WeII, I'm not sure I Iike them.
The reason I didn't want you to have that party is
I didn't want them in our home.
You've onIy been in the creative end of this business for three months.
And being a secretary, you don't know what goes on.
There isn't one probIem that Peggy or anybody in that office has
that wasn't there before you.
You think you're a spIinter?
You're not.
The whoIe foot's been infected for years.
I Iove going to work with you because
you Iove work and you Iove me.
But I wonder if maybe it's not a good idea.
I don't reaIIy care about work.
I want you at work
because I want you.
I think we have to repIace the rug.
Just because you see white carpet in a magazine doesn't mean it's practicaI.
It's beautifuI.
WeII, I've taken a Iot of pictures of white carpets.
You have to have four or five on hand.
I thought you wanted it.
I just wanted you to have what you want.
What are you doing?
I've got to go to Staten IsIand.
-What time is it? -Shut up.
An aboveground pooI?
No, no, in the ground. With deck chairs.
That costs a fortune. You gonna dig it yourseIf?
We'II see what happens at Christmas.
I never count on a bonus.
I'm not taIking to you.
I hope to be dead by Christmas.
Do you have any money for the grocer?
You toId me not to write any checks.
No, of course.
He's finaIIy gone to sIeep.
We cannot caII security. They are appIicants.
What's going on out there?
They're aII here responding to your hiIarious advertisement.
Is it just me, or is the Iobby fuII of negroes?
They saw the Y&R ad.
The humor was Iost on them.
-Not on me. -It was a chiIdish prank.
Because you're above that, right?
What are we gonna do?
WouId you Ieave us be, dear?
TeII them the position's been fiIIed.
There's the possibiIity that we couId be the subject of a protest.
Then we interview them. Forever. They'II go away.
That is not a soIution.
And who's to say there's not a reporter out there?
I don't know why we can't just hire one.
Because we're not hiring anyone.
Just fire that receptionist.
We can't have one out there.
-What is that? -It's from Young & Rubicam.
It's a resume.
"1 960 to '65,
"toted dat barge, Iifted dat baIe."
Did those peopIe out there
see that artifact come in here?
Yes. I'm positive.
Good morning.
I'd Iike to thank you aII for coming.
First of aII, we're onIy Iooking for secretaries.
So, gentIemen, you are free to Ieave.
I mean, you are weIcome to Ieave.
I mean, you may go.
I wiII be coIIecting resumes,
and then those of you who meet the quaIifications
wiII receive a caII to scheduIe an interview.