They say as soon as you have to cut down on your drinking
you have a drinking problem.
My mind is a jumble.
I can't organize my thoughts
and typing feels like work.
I've never written more than 250 words,
not even in high school.
Five paragraphs, 50 words a piece.
God, I was lazy.
I should've finished high school.
Everything could have been different.
Are you okay, sir?
Summer's coming.
I smelled it.
I kind of thought I smelled corn, which is impossible.
There it was again.
Perfume.
Good morning, miss blankenship.
How was your surgery?
It was a nightmare.
The ether and the blindness, and then I got the goggles.
So, everything's good?
I'll tell you, I was blind and now I see.
Well, good. If you need more time...
I'm fine, Roger.
I'm kidding around here.
My book's at home.
Can you give me the number for Bethany Van nuys?
Maybe lift it up and drop it down.
I'm stronger than you, but I'm not that strong.
Stop. Stop. He's right.
I feel like Margaret mead.
You know what, Harry? I think this is a show.
Okay, we're gonna do it. Harry, get out of the way.
What is going on out here?
I'll be honest, I don't know.
I got blockaded on my way back from the men's room.
Thank you, gentlemen.
Everyone back to work.
It took my watch.
What?
- Ken was buying a Clark bar... - But it ate my change.
And since Danny's not here we went to Peggy.
But it turns out Joey's got the smallest hands.
No, I said I had done it before.
Why don't you put another dime in the machine and pull again?
You really think we didn't try that?
- This thing is a bandit. - Yeah.
Cut it out!
Don't make me come out here again.
Sorry, mom.
Pardon?
Okay. Hey, it's over.
I'm trying to get my watch. What am I supposed to do?
Call the complaint number. Have an adult solve this problem.
What is going on out here?
I was in the midst of an extremely important telephone call.
Joan was just handing out demerits.
Joey, in my office.
Go easy on him.
A private spanking, just like my dream.
When did we get a vending machine?
I know you're a freelancer and you spend time in other offices,
but you should know, this behavior is not tolerated here.
Yes, ma'am.
I should let you know there's a problem, now, between us.
Why are you always on my case?
Because you are particularly disrespectful.
No, I'm not. Stan's worse.
Maybe he's better at his job.
I'm glad you're amused.
You're so arrogant.
What do you do around here besides walking around
like you're trying to get raped?
Excuse me?
I'm not some young girl off the bus.
I don't need some madam from a Shanghai whorehouse
to show me the ropes.
I'm sorry. I didn't know you were in here.
Where the hell else would I be? This is my office.
And you all better stop cutting through here.
It's not a thoroughfare.
Take the extra steps. You could use them.
You're right.
Go ahead. I'm leaving anyway.
I'm sorry.
Oh, no.
Miss blankenship, good to see you.
I mean, nice to see you. I mean, welcome back.
- Let me help you with those. - Finally, someone offers.
I told you I can see with the glasses.
- I'm out of cigarettes. - I've got your liquor.
I only have two hands.
I'm set.
And then you're not.
Take those back to the storeroom,
and while you're there, get me some cigarettes.
Your wife called earlier.
She's not my wife.
Mrs. Francis said to remind you that you can't have the kids this weekend.
It's very complicated. It's Bobby's birthday party, Sunday.
It's gene's birthday.
Did you want me to buy him or her a gift?
What a pleasant surprise.
You don't mind that I'm home early, do you?
You said you didn't want to watch me pack.
You don't even want to say goodbye.
I don't.
Joanie, it's basic training. I'll be back.
You said they use live ammunition.
Come on.
Come in here.
Greg, that doesn't make everything better. It makes it worse.
It's eight weeks.
I'm gonna come back in uniform. You know you'll like that.
What am I gonna do? Who am I gonna talk to?
Well, you'll talk to your friends at work.
Is this the way you want to spend this time, crying?
- I can't. - Sure you can.
Just pretend we're in some midtown hotel
and we both snuck away for the afternoon.
More and more every day about Vietnam.
I hope it's not another Korea.
I sound like a little girl, writing down what happened today.
Sunday is gene's birthday party.
I know I can't go.
I keep thinking about him.
He was conceived in a moment of desperation
and born into a mess.
A list of things I'd like to do.
One,
climb mount Kilimanjaro.
Go anywhere in Africa, actually.
Two,
gain a modicum of control over the way I feel.
I want to wake up.
I don't wanna be that man.
Could you get that to eljefe?
So, mountain dew...
Everything kind of fell apart there. They don't like the work.
Too bad.
Well, somebody showed a couple of bottlers the work,
and they don't like witches brewing things.
They don't like the occult in general.
And you told them it's their hillbilly working a still?
I did, but the fact remains that in the world of sodie pop,
Pepsi is the tail and the bottlers are the dog.
They just want us to change the drawing.
Except it's damaged goods.
They're never gonna want to see that board again. Start over.
I did it with Joey. Do you want Stan to take over?
You're spreading me awful thin.
Do you want me to tell Joan to figure it out?
"It"? You don't even know what "it" is.
Miss blankenship, get Joan in here.
She startles when you do that.
- I had an uncle who was blind. - She's not blind.
She's recovering from cataract surgery.
He had syphilis.
He would come in the room and he would say...
What can I do for you?
A redo on mountain dew.
I want to make Joey full time for a couple of weeks.
I'd have to double-check on his availability,
but are you sure he's the right fit?
He did the first round.
And we're redoing it.
It's more complicated than that.
Well, this may not be the time or the place to bring this up, but...
- What now? - I've been hearing complaints about him.
Really?
He's not a gentleman with the girls.
Okay. One juicy story?
I'll protect those concerned, but it involves an extremely blue joke.
- When? - It doesn't matter.
Fine, you can tell it to me later. Boys will be boys.
Of course, but I'm going to call in other books.
There's too much to do.
I know the joke.
- This guy's balls are so big... - Are we done?
Sure.
Can you tell ray Charles to come in here and clean this up?
And as soon as you get to Hollywood you find out that that myth is...
Well, it has some truth to it. There is instant fame.
What's this have to do with Peyton place?
Well, we went down to the set,
and Ryan was doing this scene against another rival,
I can't tell you who, and the guy was awful.
And I start to hear him talk about a young fresh face,
wholesome but a little mischievous.
Am I crazy?
I don't understand. You want to be an actor?
Does that sound like me? That's you. You could do it.
I know the right people.
Maybe not the big screen, but the small screen definitely.
I'm kind of down to earth.
You're so handsome. I showed them a picture.
How'd you get a picture?
I sent one of those polaroids from the Christmas party to Bernie Kowalski.
Mr. Crane, I hate to interrupt you,
but I have Peggy Olson out here looking for Mr. Baird.
Well, thank you for thinking of me.
You're too modest, you know that?
What were you doing in there?
Every place I've worked there's always some old fairy who comes on to me,
but that was the weirdest by far.
Yes, everybody wants you, Joey.
- It happens a lot. - What did you do to Joan?
I told her off.
Well, you shouldn't have. She's important around here.
Let me tell you something about the big rag...
We're creative, and she's an overblown secretary.
Fine, don't listen to me.
There's a Joan in every company.
My mother was a Joan.
Always telling everybody what to do.
She even wore a pen around her neck so people would stare at her tits.
She's not your mother, and she and Lane basically run this place.
Okay, message received.
Is it time to go yet?
Glad you could make it.
Well, we were on our way to the theater anyway.
Ralph stuben, this is my wife Betty.
- Pleased to meet you. - I hope you don't mind.
The congressman wanted me to do this immediately
and he didn't want me to do it over the phone.
She doesn't mind, and she's very discreet.
That's the curse of a political wife.
That and having to eat dinner with a lot of people you don't know.
Betty's no stranger to public service.
So, what show did you see?
Why don't we get a drink at the bar?
It'll only be a minute.
Thank you.
So, are you a Felix or an Oscar?
Like most men, I'd rather be an Oscar, but I'm probably a Felix.
Every date feels like a first date with you.
Is that good or bad?
It's just I know you must be seeing someone else.
And don't say no, because it'll just hurt me more.
Look, I'm here with you right now.
We're on a date,
and I thought we were getting to know each other.
It doesn't just accumulate. It takes intense, prolonged contact.
Don't you want to be close with anyone?
I do.
I know we're from different generations,
but I'm going to need more from you.
We are from different generations,
because I don't remember women pushing this hard.
And I'm not seeing anyone.
I'm working.
All the time.
Well, I get excited when you call, and then I don't hear from you.
We don't have to get married for me to show you off at the country club.
Don.
How are you?
I'm fine, Henry.
Henry, Betty, this is miss Van nuys.
Bethany.
Enjoy your dinner.
My goodness, what was that?
Well, that was actually my ex-wife and her husband,
and some slob who's about to have the worst dinner of his life.
What? Her?
Well, first of all, my official capacity, if anyone asks,
I'm here to thank you for securing the governor's endorsement
for congressman Lindsay.
That's no small feat, I'm sure.
Well, rocky only hates him because he's handsome.
Well, not to worry.
Lindsayjust wants to be mayor.
Any talk of the white house is fiction.
I guess he hasn't seen the cover of life.
Okay.
Hypothetically,
the congressman is putting together a team with his eye on '72,
and, well, it would be built,
if it were going to be built, around you.
And yes, he doesn't want rocky to have you either.
Elizabeth, do you know what you want?
Honey, this part is almost over.
I'm sorry, you'll have to excuse me.
One drink and she gets flushed.
Yeah, my wife has the other problem.
- Are you okay in there, ma'am? - Yes, I'm fine.
- You dropped your purse. - I'll take it.
What did you want me to do, put you in a cab?
That wouldn't be right.
I can't believe you made me sit there and look at them.
Nobody said you had to look at them.
You need a drink? Well, what are you, a wino?
You need a drink? That is not something you're allowed to say.
Now you decide what I can and can't say?
I was in a marriage like that before.
You're gonna run into him. It's a small town.
- I hate him. - Hate's a strong word, Betty.
I hate Nazis.
I have an ex-wife. She bothers me.
I don't like seeing her. I don't hate her.
- You're a Saint. - I'm an adult.
It was upsetting. Can't you let me have that?
Not when it ruins the whole evening.
This man is asking me to take Lindsay all the way.
That could happen. Don draper doesn't have a say.
- You're right. Who cares about him? - You do.
He's taking up too much space in your life,
maybe in your heart.
That's ridiculous.
Look,
maybe we rushed into this.
I was six months pregnant when we met.
- Pull over. - Are you kidding me?
Let me out, Henry.
No, you know what? Let me out at the house
because you don't want to live there anyway.
You can stay in a hotel or wherever you were when I met you.
In your mansion with your servants.
Shut up, Betty. You're drunk.
What are you doing?
Making you comfortable.
She's a sweet girl
and she wants me to know her,
but I already do.
People tell you who they are, but we ignore it
because we want them to be who we want them to be.
To be continued.
I bet she was thinking of that line all night.
I looked up at the barbizon and I thought of all the women in there.
One in every room.
Touching themselves to sleep.
Waverly and 6th.
I like sleeping alone,
stretching out like a skydiver,
cool patches to roll onto.
I should appreciate it more.
No. No! I'm talking now!
I don't care where you go and I don't care what you do!
So, in order...
Would you let me talk? I want my key back.
And I don't want to see your shorts on my floor,
and I don't want you complaining that I don't cook 'cause I don't cook!
You know what, David? Go shit in the ocean!
Good morning.
Are you leaving already?
Were you going to say goodbye?
I thought you could use the sleep.
I'm sorry, Henry.
Come over here.
I don't want to have to defend myself all the time.
All the time?
Henry, I'm really sorry.
I know.
Get some sleep.
Carla took the kids to school.
Henry, he was the only man I'd ever been with.
I'll call you later.
It tastes good
because it still basically tastes like mountain dew.
And it's very simple to make. I call itjet fuel.
Rocket fuel.
And I like the simplicity of the idea.
- Young people, hillbillies. - Xerox crapped out again.
I think I killed it.
I'll run this specimen over to the lab.
It's delicious.
You're a haircut, you know that?
You need three ingredients for a cocktail.
Vodka and mountain dew is an emergency.
Don wants our freelance art director Joey baird
put on full time for the next three weeks.
None of my business, I suppose.
I really think this vending machine is a troublemaker.
I think it's been a great success.
Revenue is climbing.
I was gonna suggest we get a sandwich machine.
We'd probably get 40% of the work force keeping busy through lunch.
Or we'd end up with a bunch of fat secretaries
who think the whole afternoon is lunchtime
because there's always another sandwich around the corner.
There have been a lot of complaints.
Did you tell them to call the number?
What do you think they're doing in there, Lane and Joan?
It's an unholy alliance.
I know exactly what they're doing in there.
Joan's on the desk, boobs on the blotter.
Lane's behind her.
Probably has a bowler hat. Am I wrong?
Hey, don't do that.
I'm not doing anything. Joan's doing it.
Mountain dew-dah.
Give me three cocktails with at least three ingredients each.
Peggy Olson, pioneering the science of wet blanketry.
You love her.
Henry Francis calling.
This is Don.
Hello, Don. Henry Francis. Sorry to bother you at work.
I assume it's important.
It is, but not dire.
Okay.
What can I do for you?
I bought a boat and I...
Well, I'd like to put it in the garage,
and I don't have the clearance with your things there.
No, of course.
I can probably have some movers take them, put them in storage somewhere.
I can take it off the rent.
No. No, that's okay.
I should probably come and get them myself.
Gene's birthday party is on Sunday.
I know.
So, I think Saturday would be best, dontyou?
I see.
The boat's coming next week so...
Fine.
I'll come at noon.
Miss blankenship, can I get some coffee?
I just lost 30 cents in the machine.
How is that possible?
Well, I wanted a pack of life savers, so I put in a nickel and it didn't work.
So, I looked in my purse and all I had was a quarter,
so then I lost a quarter too.
Was the exact-change light on?
I started with the exact change.
Peggy, it's a nickel.
I'm not calling that number. No one ever answers.
I can't believe you.
Fine, then give me some life savers.
Who did that?
Did what?
That pornographic drawing.
It's a very brave person that does something anonymously.
It's a very brave person who does that.
It's still illegal in many states, you know.
I can't wait until next year when all of you are in Vietnam.
You will be pining for the day
when someone was trying to make your life easier.
And when you're over there,
when you're in the jungle, and they're shooting at you,
remember you're not dying for me because I never liked you.
- Joan. - Don't worry. I'm not going home.
Jesus. Scorched earth.
- What's wrong with her? - I told you not to do that.
- Come on, Peggy. - It's a joke.
She's still patting around for the buzzer. I'm sorry.
What do you want?
Joey taped it to Joan's window.
- Really? - Yes,
and it's disrespectful to Joan and it's disrespectful to me.
Narrative, forced perspective... Are you sure Joey did this?
Yes, I told him not to.
Well, I wouldn't tolerate that if I were you.
But you have no problem with it?
I didn't say that.
Look, Peggy, just go fire him.
I thought you would go out there and yell at him.
Yell at him, fire him.
Look, believe me, you do not want me involved in this.
People will think you're a tattletale.
Dr. Miller has arrived.
Send her in.
You want some respect? Go out there and get it for yourself.
I'm sorry.
Have a seat.
Is everything all right?
Yes.
Joey, can I speak to you for a minute?
- You want one? - No.
I'm sorry, okay?
Good. Now, go apologize.
What? Then she'll know I did it.
You did do it. I told you not to.
Come on. It's funny.
Really? Would you show it to Lane?
He would think it's funny.
What if it were Don on his knees?
See? This is why I don't like working with women.
You have no sense of humor.
You're fired.
All right, all right. I see the nostrils are flared.
- I'll go apologize. - No.
Get your things.
- Are you serious? - I am.
We'll see what Don has to say about that.
Don doesn't even know who you are.
- I'm sorry it didn't work out. - Hang on. Come on.
This is crazy.
It's just a job, Joey. You'll get another one.
Well, I was wrong about you.
What's going on?
Watch out, fellas. Fun's over.
- What? - That's all, folks.
- Are you serious? - A little bug bit me.
Well, I'll give you a call. We'll have a drink.
Stan, throw vick chemical on the back burner.
You're on mountain dew.
Power of the poontang.
You know, these guys may be embarrassed
by having some professional tell them what to do.
He'll take advice from another man.
Not if he knows more.
You know I'm right about auto parts. I used to sell cars.
Yes, but we still have to do it.
God, this is boring.
I think I'm hungry. Do you want to eat?
You mean order in?
I don't know. You seem kind of dressed up.
We could take Fillmore parts with us if you want.
Just to clarify...
You'd like to have dinner with me?
Yes.
You asked me out the first time I came in here.
Why would it be different for me now?
It just felt like the timing is right.
So, why don't we do that?
You could ask me out for dinner at some future date,
instead of, I don't know,
tacking it on to a workday like an afterthought.
I could do that.
Saturday night far enough in the future?
Not normally, but you're in luck.
Good.
Okay then.
I've got enough to go on here.
Okay.
- Good night. - Good night.
- It's Francine. - Come in.
I'm all bitten up.
This is my potato salad bowl, but this one's yours.
Well, thank you.
Henry was going to pick one up on his way home from work,
but he's been so busy.
Betty, he's very ambitious.
He's mad at me.
Why would that be so?
Oh, god, if I can make it through this weekend...
It's a two-year-old's birthday party,
and you'll have help, and no one cares.
Is he coming?
I told him about it.
Now I can only hope he won't show up and ruin it.
Well, he won't.
We ran into him in the city...
On a date.
Bethany Van nuys. She was all of 15.
I misbehaved.
Henry didn't understand it for some reason.
Why do you let him bother you?
We see him walking out with the kids some weekends.
Carlton calls him "that sad bastard."
That's an act.
He's living the life, let me tell you.
He doesn't get to have this family and that.
Betty.
You have terrible luck with entertaining.
Just be careful.
Don has nothing to lose, and you have everything.
I don't know if you heard, but I fired Joey.
I did. Good for you.
Excuse me?
Now everybody in the office will know that you solved my problem
and that you must be really important, I guess.
What's wrong with you?
I defended you.
You defended yourself.
Fine.
That cartoon was disgusting.
I had already handled it
and if I had wanted to go further,
one dinner with Mr. Kreutzer from sugarberry ham
and Joey would've been off it and out of my hair.
So? It's the same result.
You want to be a big shot.
Well, no matter how powerful we get around here,
they can still just draw a cartoon.
So, all you've done is prove to them that I'm a meaningless secretary
and you're another humorless bitch.
Have a nice weekend. Good night, Peggy.
When a man walks into a room,
he brings his whole life with him.
He has a million reasons for being anywhere.
Just ask him.
If you listen, he'll tell you how he got there,
how he forgot where he was going
and then he woke up.
If you listen, he'll tell you about the time he thought he was an angel
or dreamt of being perfect.
And then he'll smile with wisdom,
content that he'd realized the world isn't perfect.
We 're flawed because we want so much more.
We 're ruined
because we get these things
and wish for what we had.
You smell nice.
So do you.
Like chlorine.
I've been swimming.
Does it feel like summer?
It clears my head.
- For the creative process? - For something.
I've been a little out of sorts lately.
And it's an effort to get in the water,
but when you do you're weightless and you don't even sweat.
And in the end,
you're wrung out.
I've been looking forward to this.
It's very hard to get a reservation here.
You should've called me.
I know a guy.
Really?
Who's your guy?
My father.
A lot of people who supply restaurants
know a lot of the same people who know my father.
Like?
Not my father, just his friends.
He owns a candy store,
and there are certain responsibilities that go along with that.
Interesting.
What's he like?
He's a handsome, two-bit gangster like you.
Two glasses of chianti.
When I'm out of sorts, I look at the calendar.
There's usually something significant on the horizon.
I never noticed that.
It's my two-year-old's birthday,
but I'm not going.
Why not?
Because I'm not welcome there.
He thinks that man's his father.
Maybe that's okay.
All he knows of the world is what you show him.
That's nice.
I know I've sometimes behaved to the contrary,
but I do admire your work.
That's nice to hear.
So, tell me a trade secret.
How do you get them to do what you want them to do?
Aesop has a fable about the wind and the sun.
The wind and sun had this competition
to see if they could get a traveler's coat off.
So, the wind blows fiercely on him,
but the travelerjust pulls his coat tighter.
But the sun shines down on him, warmer and warmer,
and the travelerjust takes it off.
And the moral is?
Kindness, gentleness and persuasion win where force fails.
You know, aesop did that in probably 10 lines.
He's very economical.
So, what you're saying is you want my coat.
72nd and Broadway.
Thank you.
Where do you live?
Only around the corner.
Really?
Yes.
But I'm just going to take you to your door.
And why is that?
Because that's as far as I can go right now
and I'm not ready to say good night.
That's not what I expected.
- Hello, Francine. - Hello, Don.
Daddy!
What's he doing here?
It's okay.
Here you go. Say hi to daddy.
Happy birthday.
We have everything.