1 00:00:35,240 --> 00:00:37,880 (alarm blares, dog barks) 2 00:00:37,960 --> 00:00:39,951 (Wash) 3 00:00:40,040 --> 00:00:41,951 (93! Yowls) 4 00:00:42,040 --> 00:00:44,031 (oacophofiy) 5 00:01:07,680 --> 00:01:10,035 What the hell...? 6 00:01:15,520 --> 00:01:17,477 Huh. 7 00:01:26,440 --> 00:01:28,954 (knocks on counter) Hey, kid. 8 00:01:30,080 --> 00:01:32,117 Coffee and an apple fritter. 9 00:01:32,200 --> 00:01:36,398 I'm just brewing up a fresh pot, sir, and the apple fritters need to cool down. 10 00:01:36,480 --> 00:01:40,189 Kid, if I wanted your life story, I would have bought the book. 11 00:01:40,280 --> 00:01:43,352 Coffee and an apple fritter, now! 12 00:01:43,440 --> 00:01:47,354 Sir, they're not ready just yet. I have some decaf brewed. 13 00:01:47,440 --> 00:01:52,879 Why would I, or anybody in their right mind, voluntarily drink decaf, huh? 14 00:01:54,320 --> 00:01:57,153 All right, tell me when it's ready. 15 00:01:57,240 --> 00:02:01,279 And make it snappy, kid. Some of us actually work for a living. 16 00:02:01,360 --> 00:02:05,558 Every morning the same thing. Bitter old fart! 17 00:02:07,400 --> 00:02:10,392 Well, he wants bitter, 18 00:02:10,480 --> 00:02:12,676 I'll give him bitter. 19 00:02:13,800 --> 00:02:17,395 I ask you, whatever happened to "The customer's always right"? 20 00:02:17,480 --> 00:02:21,360 - That went out with automate. - Yeah, you're livin' in the past, daddio. 21 00:02:21,440 --> 00:02:24,637 What's the matter with you? Something wrong? 22 00:02:24,720 --> 00:02:27,189 Sort of. I have this... 23 00:02:27,320 --> 00:02:30,631 Whoa! I didn't say anything about sharing. 24 00:02:32,200 --> 00:02:34,919 Sir? Your order's ready. 25 00:02:35,000 --> 00:02:36,832 Thank you. 26 00:02:39,160 --> 00:02:40,912 Huh! 27 00:02:41,000 --> 00:02:46,120 Hey! This fritter isn't cooled down enough yet. 28 00:02:46,200 --> 00:02:48,350 Dammit! 29 00:02:54,960 --> 00:03:00,194 Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but, I tell you, things didn't used to be this way. 30 00:03:00,280 --> 00:03:02,317 Oh. 31 00:03:05,760 --> 00:03:07,353 Aaaah! 32 00:03:07,440 --> 00:03:10,353 - Burn your tongue? - No. 33 00:03:10,440 --> 00:03:13,558 That kid peed in my coffee. 34 00:03:16,560 --> 00:03:18,198 He-he! 35 00:03:18,280 --> 00:03:20,191 (laughs) 36 00:03:20,280 --> 00:03:23,716 (all laugh raucously) 37 00:04:31,840 --> 00:04:35,993 Anyone care to make a little wager on the big fight tonight? 38 00:04:36,080 --> 00:04:39,118 Does boxing still have that standing eight-count rule? 39 00:04:39,200 --> 00:04:43,353 - Yeah. - Might as well be watching a pillow fight. 40 00:04:44,520 --> 00:04:48,798 I lost all interest in the sweet science when Kid McCoy retired from the ring. 41 00:04:48,880 --> 00:04:51,872 - The real McCoy. - Who? 42 00:04:51,960 --> 00:04:57,672 World middleweight champion and inventor of the infamous corkscrew punch. 43 00:04:57,760 --> 00:05:02,197 Would tear the flesh right off his opponents. 44 00:05:02,280 --> 00:05:05,675 He was also convicted of killing his married 45 00:05:05,687 --> 00:05:08,629 lover and shooting three other people. 46 00:05:08,760 --> 00:05:12,879 I still love that line in his suicide note. 47 00:05:12,960 --> 00:05:16,476 "I can't endure this world's madness any longer." 48 00:05:16,600 --> 00:05:19,797 A fighter and a philosopher, huh? 49 00:05:19,880 --> 00:05:24,477 But that's exactly what's missing from this bland day and age. 50 00:05:24,560 --> 00:05:27,393 Personalities, characters, 51 00:05:27,480 --> 00:05:31,314 individuals with an inspirational flare. 52 00:05:31,400 --> 00:05:37,191 For example, a while back I was out wandering on the old country highway. 53 00:05:37,280 --> 00:05:41,513 I was just looking for... I don't know, 54 00:05:41,600 --> 00:05:44,194 a new sort of titillation. 55 00:05:44,280 --> 00:05:48,319 But all I found was the same old thing. 56 00:06:02,240 --> 00:06:05,198 What you doin' here by your lonesome, old-timer? 57 00:06:05,280 --> 00:06:07,271 Waif in' for a ride. 58 00:06:07,360 --> 00:06:10,159 Yeah'? You been waif in' hug'? 59 00:06:10,240 --> 00:06:12,834 So many cars passed by, I lost count. 60 00:06:12,920 --> 00:06:16,629 People are reluctant to pick up hitchhikers these days. 61 00:06:16,720 --> 00:06:19,758 In ancient times the Greeks always had to help vagabonds 62 00:06:19,840 --> 00:06:24,710 because they never knew if the beggar might be one of their gods in disguise. 63 00:06:24,800 --> 00:06:29,431 Nowadays, it just seems safer to assume that every stranger is a devil. 64 00:06:29,560 --> 00:06:32,871 Could be a serial killer, or worse. 65 00:06:32,960 --> 00:06:35,076 So how do you know I'm not? 66 00:06:35,200 --> 00:06:38,477 You didn't strike me as the serial-killer type, pops! 67 00:06:38,560 --> 00:06:44,192 - You're an expert on serial killers? - No. I'm not an expert or anything, 68 00:06:44,280 --> 00:06:47,033 but I do spend a lot of time reading true-crime books. 69 00:06:47,160 --> 00:06:49,959 (all) Ah! True-crime books! 70 00:06:50,080 --> 00:06:54,039 - (laugh) Yeah'. - Exactly! 71 00:06:54,360 --> 00:06:56,510 Well, you see where this story is headed. 72 00:06:56,600 --> 00:07:01,117 As it turned out, the kid not only had an interest in serial killers, 73 00:07:01,200 --> 00:07:03,919 he once made contact with one. 74 00:07:06,000 --> 00:07:08,295 This was made in prison by Johnnie Mack 75 00:07:08,307 --> 00:07:11,029 Potter, the most prolific murderer in America. 76 00:07:11,120 --> 00:07:14,158 He was convicted of killing 36 people. 77 00:07:14,240 --> 00:07:16,436 How'd you get a hold of that? 78 00:07:16,520 --> 00:07:22,118 Well, he used to be the janitor and mascot at my school, Roosevelt High Red Devils. 79 00:07:22,200 --> 00:07:25,636 He was caught the year before I attended, so I never met him, 80 00:07:25,720 --> 00:07:28,473 but every day I'd walk down those hallways, 81 00:07:28,560 --> 00:07:34,431 I couldn't help but think to myself "Wow! A serial killer once cleaned these." 82 00:07:34,520 --> 00:07:39,071 - "Wow" is right! - So I wrote to him in prison. 83 00:07:39,200 --> 00:07:41,476 He sent me this devil dohickey. 84 00:07:41,560 --> 00:07:46,236 Oh, but here I am probably boring you with all this killer talk. 85 00:07:47,360 --> 00:07:52,196 That's Johnnie Mack Potter in his old mascot uniform. How'd you get that? 86 00:07:52,280 --> 00:07:56,035 I'm a murder-memorabilia collector myself. 87 00:07:59,440 --> 00:08:03,911 You know, it's kinda neat to be able to talk to someone about this stuff 88 00:08:04,000 --> 00:08:06,674 and not feel like a sicko. 89 00:08:06,760 --> 00:08:12,153 Perry, why do you think you possess this morbid fascination with serial killers? 90 00:08:12,240 --> 00:08:17,110 Well, I'll be honest with ya, I don't know. 91 00:08:17,200 --> 00:08:21,876 It's nothing to do with the fact that you possess so many characteristics 92 00:08:21,960 --> 00:08:24,349 of the prototypical serial killer? 93 00:08:24,440 --> 00:08:26,829 - What? - White, male in his 20s. 94 00:08:26,920 --> 00:08:29,672 The product of a broken home who spent his 95 00:08:29,684 --> 00:08:32,711 youth starting fires andlor torturing animals. 96 00:08:32,800 --> 00:08:35,519 An early addiction to drugs and/or alcohol. 97 00:08:35,640 --> 00:08:39,679 An inability to hold a steady job or relationship with women. 98 00:08:39,760 --> 00:08:47,235 Dreaming about turning your masochistic mutilation sex fantasies into reality, 99 00:08:47,320 --> 00:08:50,510 to say nothing of the fact you drive a van 100 00:08:50,522 --> 00:08:53,953 and keep duct tape in your glove compartment. 101 00:08:56,480 --> 00:09:00,553 How the hell did...? What are you trying to tell me? 102 00:09:01,480 --> 00:09:04,233 Play the hand you've been dealt. 103 00:09:05,800 --> 00:09:08,679 Good lord! Don't tell me that's all it took! 104 00:09:08,760 --> 00:09:13,197 You know, we were so envious when Man was given free will, 105 00:09:13,280 --> 00:09:15,590 but what has it brought them? 106 00:09:15,680 --> 00:09:20,151 The belief that life's determined by everything other than their own will. 107 00:09:20,240 --> 00:09:22,629 And the right to vote. 108 00:09:23,320 --> 00:09:24,879 Uh-huh. 109 00:09:24,960 --> 00:09:30,160 Wait a minute. I'm confused. The man became a serial killer because...? 110 00:09:30,240 --> 00:09:33,232 Yes. Just because. 111 00:09:33,320 --> 00:09:37,473 His first victim was a prostitute, as was to be expected. 112 00:09:37,600 --> 00:09:41,639 I was concerned that his initial reaction was a tad over-sensitive. 113 00:09:41,720 --> 00:09:45,873 - (retches) - Don't worry. It's like your first beer. 114 00:09:45,960 --> 00:09:51,751 You get used to it and eventually life doesn't seem as good without it. 115 00:09:53,920 --> 00:09:59,632 I wanna become the most prolific serial killer in the history of this country. 116 00:09:59,760 --> 00:10:03,674 He didn't want to be the most colourful killer or the most weird. 117 00:10:03,800 --> 00:10:07,156 He just wanted to break Johnnie Mack Potter's record. 118 00:10:07,240 --> 00:10:10,119 Quantity not quality. Hah. 119 00:10:10,200 --> 00:10:15,115 His "originality" was prostitutes. He killed another one that very night. 120 00:10:15,200 --> 00:10:18,670 - Then it was prostitute after prostitute. - Been there. Done that. 121 00:10:18,800 --> 00:10:22,919 One night I did manage to inject some irony into his blandness. 122 00:10:23,000 --> 00:10:26,391 I talked him into attacking a self-proclaimed devil worshipper. 123 00:10:26,480 --> 00:10:28,551 Satan! 124 00:10:28,640 --> 00:10:30,631 Save me! 125 00:10:30,720 --> 00:10:33,633 Satan, save me please! 126 00:10:33,720 --> 00:10:37,509 No! Satan! 127 00:10:37,600 --> 00:10:40,035 Save me! 128 00:10:40,120 --> 00:10:43,431 "Satan, save me!" 129 00:10:43,520 --> 00:10:47,798 Yeah. I bet there was no divine intervention there, huh? 130 00:10:48,600 --> 00:10:54,118 Unfortunately, that very next night he was right back to prostitutes. 131 00:10:54,200 --> 00:10:58,353 So cliched was this guy that he often returned to the scene of the crime 132 00:10:58,440 --> 00:11:02,798 because, you know, that's what killers supposedly do. 133 00:11:03,840 --> 00:11:05,911 (Perry) Looks like they found number 36. 134 00:11:06,000 --> 00:11:10,392 One more and I top Johnnie Mack Potter. Then I become the serial killing champ. 135 00:11:10,480 --> 00:11:13,711 Maybe you should get T-shirts printed up. 136 00:11:13,800 --> 00:11:16,679 (chatter over police radios) 137 00:11:30,280 --> 00:11:33,113 Wait a minute. What did this man look like? 138 00:11:33,240 --> 00:11:36,835 I know how terrible this'll sound, but they all look the same to me. 139 00:11:36,920 --> 00:11:38,149 Oh! 140 00:11:38,240 --> 00:11:42,598 But I swear to God this man reacted like he had glimpsed my true essence. 141 00:11:42,680 --> 00:11:46,150 Impossible! It's not in their nature. 142 00:11:46,240 --> 00:11:50,279 All right, so my story's a little out there. 143 00:11:50,360 --> 00:11:52,556 Go with it. 144 00:11:53,680 --> 00:11:56,752 In any case, having seen this weird guy, 145 00:11:56,840 --> 00:12:02,040 being so bored with my killer, I figured enough was enough. 146 00:12:15,480 --> 00:12:19,917 After they got the fingerprints off it, it didn't take them long. 147 00:12:20,000 --> 00:12:22,594 - Freeze! - Hold it right there! 148 00:12:22,680 --> 00:12:24,079 Mr Blerick! 149 00:12:24,160 --> 00:12:27,118 Of course, I was nowhere to be found! 150 00:12:28,320 --> 00:12:32,393 Later he told the police that I was the one responsible for the murders! 151 00:12:32,480 --> 00:12:34,676 They're always blaming others. 152 00:12:34,760 --> 00:12:40,995 The criminal psychologist deduced that the elderly hitchhiker didn't actually exist. 153 00:12:41,080 --> 00:12:46,598 It was merely one segment of the killer's split personality! 154 00:12:48,360 --> 00:12:52,479 So after some time had passed, and I felt it was the right time, 155 00:12:52,560 --> 00:12:58,078 I sent my killer companion a friendly little note of advice. 156 00:13:04,920 --> 00:13:08,038 - Did he do it? - He gave it the old college try. 157 00:13:10,960 --> 00:13:14,430 Too bad he had never gone to college. 158 00:13:14,520 --> 00:13:19,754 But then it was all for nothing, wasn't it? You didn't achieve total closure. 159 00:13:19,840 --> 00:13:24,676 Well, it's my attitude that sometimes you have to sacrifice self-satisfaction 160 00:13:24,760 --> 00:13:27,991 for a sense of poetic justice. 161 00:13:49,440 --> 00:13:52,796 And that, my friend, is why Johnnie Mack Potter remains 162 00:13:52,880 --> 00:13:58,876 the reigning, and still undisputed, serial killing champion. 163 00:14:06,200 --> 00:14:08,191 (Pinging tone) 164 00:14:09,400 --> 00:14:14,395 - Hello? Is this the Helm residence? - (man) Uh, yes, it is. 165 00:14:14,480 --> 00:14:19,554 - May I please speak to Mr Helm? - This is him. What's the matter? 166 00:14:19,640 --> 00:14:25,477 Nothing, unless you're being overcharged by your long-distance phone company. 167 00:14:25,560 --> 00:14:28,359 May I ask which current service you use? 168 00:14:28,440 --> 00:14:30,351 What? What time is it? 169 00:14:30,440 --> 00:14:35,640 It's time to start saving over 30% on your long-distance calls. 170 00:14:35,720 --> 00:14:38,314 Now, if you'll sign up with us... 171 00:14:38,400 --> 00:14:40,596 (hangs up) 172 00:14:41,720 --> 00:14:44,314 Ha-ha-ha! Ha! 173 00:14:44,400 --> 00:14:47,106 I don't like working with serial killers. If 174 00:14:47,118 --> 00:14:49,713 they get caught, they end up on death row, 175 00:14:49,800 --> 00:14:53,714 which is the only place where humans can still find God. 176 00:14:53,800 --> 00:14:57,156 The trouble with serial killers is they're too evil. 177 00:14:57,240 --> 00:15:01,950 - Hey, if you're afraid of 'em. - That's not what I meant, and you know it. 178 00:15:02,040 --> 00:15:06,352 - What did you mean? - Their evil is too conspicuous. 179 00:15:06,440 --> 00:15:09,305 When people hear about psycho killers it can 180 00:15:09,317 --> 00:15:12,391 lead them to thinking about the nature of evil, 181 00:15:12,480 --> 00:15:15,871 which leads to thoughts about right or wrong. 182 00:15:15,960 --> 00:15:18,190 That thinking can get ugly. 183 00:15:18,320 --> 00:15:21,199 You don't want 'em considering crap like that. 184 00:15:21,280 --> 00:15:24,636 You just want 'em to go through the routine of living their lives. 185 00:15:24,720 --> 00:15:27,553 And what do you do to gut their souls? 186 00:15:27,640 --> 00:15:29,836 I don't do squat any more. 187 00:15:29,920 --> 00:15:33,151 - They do it all for ya. - I'm not sure I'm following. 188 00:15:33,240 --> 00:15:38,360 Mankind has progressed to a point in its dim-witted history 189 00:15:38,440 --> 00:15:43,116 where life has been drained of all its enchantment. 190 00:15:43,200 --> 00:15:46,238 All you've gotta do is sit back and enjoy. 191 00:15:46,320 --> 00:15:47,833 (chuckles) 192 00:15:47,920 --> 00:15:49,911 (milling) 193 00:15:52,600 --> 00:15:57,151 I mean, Iask you, what evil genius invented the alarm clock? 194 00:15:57,240 --> 00:16:01,598 No other creature but man could concoct a device that interrupts, daily, 195 00:16:01,680 --> 00:16:05,275 their only natural state of happiness. 196 00:16:05,360 --> 00:16:07,749 (milling) 197 00:16:15,840 --> 00:16:17,751 (milling) 198 00:16:17,840 --> 00:16:22,755 And no doubt the evil genius's evil twin contributed the snooze button. 199 00:16:26,080 --> 00:16:27,639 (milling) 200 00:16:31,560 --> 00:16:33,358 Oh, boy! 201 00:16:34,400 --> 00:16:37,438 - I beg you! - Other human instruments of torture, 202 00:16:37,520 --> 00:16:42,515 the rack, the iron maiden, are no match for their modem version. 203 00:16:42,600 --> 00:16:44,113 Stop! 204 00:16:44,200 --> 00:16:47,830 Used in a regiment of self-inflicted suffering, 205 00:16:47,920 --> 00:16:52,278 all in the name of vanity and rock-hard abs. 206 00:16:55,360 --> 00:16:57,795 (wheezes) 207 00:16:57,880 --> 00:17:01,316 Ow. Ow. 208 00:17:01,400 --> 00:17:04,597 Their efforts to distance themselves from their animal natures 209 00:17:04,680 --> 00:17:07,991 only show what dumb beasts they truly are. 210 00:17:08,080 --> 00:17:13,072 Ow. Ow. Ow. 211 00:17:14,520 --> 00:17:17,273 Required to cover their God-given bodies, 212 00:17:17,360 --> 00:17:22,150 they also tie a superfluous constricting piece of cloth around their necks 213 00:17:22,240 --> 00:17:24,550 for no reason whatsoever. 214 00:17:27,280 --> 00:17:31,160 I fail to see how any of this leads them to eternal damnation. 215 00:17:31,280 --> 00:17:36,912 They fail to see it too because they think they're livin' a so-called normal life. 216 00:17:37,000 --> 00:17:39,538 You have no idea the torments they'll put 217 00:17:39,550 --> 00:17:42,473 themselves through for the sake of such a life. 218 00:17:44,880 --> 00:17:48,555 They'll spend a third of every day at a place they can't stand 219 00:17:48,640 --> 00:17:53,589 doin' stuff they don't want to do, all in the name of earning a living. 220 00:17:53,680 --> 00:17:57,275 I've seen punishments in hell less severe. 221 00:17:58,360 --> 00:18:03,355 When not at work, their free time is spent in servitude performing menial chores, 222 00:18:03,440 --> 00:18:07,115 none of which could be called life-affirming. 223 00:18:08,320 --> 00:18:10,755 As a wise devil once said, 224 00:18:10,840 --> 00:18:15,914 "All roads to hell lead through coin-operated Laundromats." 225 00:18:17,360 --> 00:18:22,434 You seem to be forgetting one little thing in this method of yours - sin. 226 00:18:22,520 --> 00:18:24,716 I choose to forget it. 227 00:18:24,800 --> 00:18:27,997 - Because humans have as well. - Oh, brother! 228 00:18:28,080 --> 00:18:32,950 I don't mean they stop committing sins. Just the opposite. 229 00:18:33,040 --> 00:18:35,031 (y dame) 230 00:18:42,200 --> 00:18:46,637 They sin so when, it's just become another part of their routine. 231 00:18:46,720 --> 00:18:53,319 Whatever passion compelled them to commit such acts has long since passed away. 232 00:18:53,400 --> 00:18:55,630 (monotone) Yeah. Go, baby. 233 00:18:55,720 --> 00:18:57,791 Go. 234 00:18:57,880 --> 00:18:59,632 Do it. 235 00:18:59,720 --> 00:19:02,473 Shake that thing. 236 00:19:02,560 --> 00:19:05,234 Yeah. Yahoo. 237 00:19:05,320 --> 00:19:08,838 Do it. 238 00:19:08,920 --> 00:19:11,196 Take it off. 239 00:19:11,280 --> 00:19:13,396 Take it all off. 240 00:19:14,560 --> 00:19:16,153 Do it. 241 00:19:17,720 --> 00:19:19,358 Do it. 242 00:19:19,440 --> 00:19:24,116 Even their less-guilty pleasures are less than pleasures. 243 00:19:33,520 --> 00:19:35,511 (TVOfi) 244 00:19:47,520 --> 00:19:50,239 Um... Am I missing something? 245 00:19:50,320 --> 00:19:53,070 Yeah. Having him fall asleep is not the same 246 00:19:53,082 --> 00:19:56,032 as having him fall into the fiery pits of hell. 247 00:19:56,120 --> 00:19:58,589 How can you ruin them if you don't interact with them? 248 00:19:58,680 --> 00:20:03,470 Oh, every once in a while I interact with them, but nothing too evil. 249 00:20:03,560 --> 00:20:05,836 Minor irritations are all you need. 250 00:20:05,960 --> 00:20:11,433 And I find, the best irritations utilise their own man-made laws. 251 00:20:11,520 --> 00:20:13,511 (chuckles) 252 00:20:28,760 --> 00:20:33,596 - Hey, I just parked there. - Ah! Tell it to the judge! 253 00:20:33,680 --> 00:20:37,196 Hey! What's with this ticket? The meter hasn't even run out. 254 00:20:38,800 --> 00:20:40,950 Oh! 255 00:20:45,000 --> 00:20:46,965 The same guy that saw Blerick? 256 00:20:46,977 --> 00:20:49,756 No. He wasn't reacting to my inner essence. 257 00:20:49,840 --> 00:20:53,276 All humans look horrified when confronting an authority figure. 258 00:20:53,360 --> 00:20:57,672 - Hey, did this guy look depressed? - Why? 259 00:20:57,760 --> 00:21:02,277 I read an article about people using St John's wort to cure depression. 260 00:21:02,400 --> 00:21:06,758 In the Middle Ages, humans used it and claimed to see devils. 261 00:21:06,840 --> 00:21:08,990 Ah! Old wives' tales! 262 00:21:09,080 --> 00:21:14,951 Still... Does this guy look like he might be using this St John's wort? 263 00:21:15,040 --> 00:21:18,032 He looks like he needed a vat of the stuff. 264 00:21:18,120 --> 00:21:22,876 It doesn't matter what they take. It's not in their nature to see us. 265 00:21:22,960 --> 00:21:26,112 Yeah, you don't even know how to damn them. 266 00:21:26,200 --> 00:21:28,316 I just told you. 267 00:21:28,400 --> 00:21:34,749 You simply let them go through the routine of living their lives as they see fit. 268 00:21:48,120 --> 00:21:50,396 Until they realise 269 00:21:50,480 --> 00:21:53,472 their lives are unfit to live. 270 00:22:21,320 --> 00:22:24,266 It never ceases to amuse me how these idiots 271 00:22:24,278 --> 00:22:27,236 only learn to appreciate the freedom of life 272 00:22:27,320 --> 00:22:30,039 just when they're taking it, 273 00:22:30,120 --> 00:22:33,272 and just before they hit pay dirt. 274 00:22:33,360 --> 00:22:34,360 Arab! 275 00:22:40,520 --> 00:22:45,276 Well, if you ask me, subtlety is for closet homosexuals. 276 00:22:45,360 --> 00:22:47,829 What's that crack supposed to mean? 277 00:22:47,920 --> 00:22:53,632 I just find your laissez-faire style as lame as the souls you're destroying. 278 00:22:53,720 --> 00:22:57,156 Why be a devil if you can't have a little fun? 279 00:22:57,240 --> 00:23:01,632 I'm familiar with your methods, and I find them crass and unpoetic. 280 00:23:01,720 --> 00:23:04,280 Yeah, like an atom bomb. 281 00:23:04,360 --> 00:23:08,991 That's another plus with my technique - mass damnation. 282 00:23:09,080 --> 00:23:13,631 I just did a job that damaged millions of souls with one big shebang. 283 00:23:13,720 --> 00:23:15,393 How'? 284 00:23:15,480 --> 00:23:20,759 Simply by using the instruments Satan himself created for that very purpose. 285 00:23:20,840 --> 00:23:23,150 Crap. 286 00:23:23,240 --> 00:23:28,679 On page seven, your use of the word "crap" is unacceptable to broadcast standards. 287 00:23:28,760 --> 00:23:35,200 No, it is acceptable to use "crap" only when not referring to defecation. 288 00:23:35,280 --> 00:23:38,398 No, the use of "defecation" is not acceptable either. 289 00:23:38,480 --> 00:23:43,554 We suggest that you do not describe it and simply cut the scene entirely. 290 00:23:43,640 --> 00:23:46,792 That word is completely unacceptable. 291 00:23:46,880 --> 00:23:49,793 Oh, you were reacting, not suggesting. I see. 292 00:23:49,880 --> 00:23:53,589 Well, my next objection begins on page eight... 293 00:23:53,680 --> 00:23:58,550 Now, every network has a censor, a guardian of moral rectitude, 294 00:23:58,640 --> 00:24:04,636 whose job is to ensure the viewing public is not corrupted by scenes of sex, violence 295 00:24:04,720 --> 00:24:07,917 or any other miscellaneous vulgarity. 296 00:24:08,000 --> 00:24:11,834 No, it doesn't matter that aliens have no genitalia. 297 00:24:11,920 --> 00:24:16,517 They still have groins and they shouldn't be kicked there. It is unacceptable. 298 00:24:16,600 --> 00:24:18,989 Jeez, that sounds like a crappy job. 299 00:24:19,080 --> 00:24:21,720 Imagine the weight they must bear, 300 00:24:21,800 --> 00:24:26,112 the burden of maintaining a nation's morality on your shoulders? 301 00:24:26,200 --> 00:24:28,157 It's just TV! 302 00:24:28,240 --> 00:24:33,030 Ah, but you're forgetting how humans regard everything in their lives now 303 00:24:33,120 --> 00:24:35,430 as a matter of life and death. 304 00:24:35,520 --> 00:24:39,400 Under that constant pressure, making 'em crack is a snap. 305 00:24:40,200 --> 00:24:42,111 Unacceptable! 306 00:24:42,200 --> 00:24:47,229 If you show a pile of dung, it must be dry dung, not moist. Why? 307 00:24:47,320 --> 00:24:54,192 Because I bear the burden of maintaining a nation's morality on my very shoulders. 308 00:24:56,480 --> 00:24:59,552 (r heavy metal) 309 00:25:05,200 --> 00:25:07,157 (sing5) 310 00:25:14,120 --> 00:25:16,919 It's not... acceptable. 311 00:25:20,440 --> 00:25:23,193 (booing) 312 00:25:23,280 --> 00:25:27,069 - Rink y-dink kids' stuff. - I'm telling you, it's very effective. 313 00:25:27,160 --> 00:25:30,949 - It's so stale and outdated. - No. It's very modern. 314 00:25:31,040 --> 00:25:33,659 In the old days, if you materialised before 315 00:25:33,671 --> 00:25:36,240 them they all knew what they were seeing - 316 00:25:36,320 --> 00:25:40,314 the external evidence of a demon trying to tempt their soul. 317 00:25:40,400 --> 00:25:43,392 But nowadays they all assume it's internal - 318 00:25:43,480 --> 00:25:46,685 a psychological breakdown manifesting itself 319 00:25:46,697 --> 00:25:49,476 in the form of a visual hallucination. 320 00:25:49,560 --> 00:25:53,599 - And you called me lame! - The effects are immediate. 321 00:25:53,680 --> 00:25:57,150 One materialisation, and they're convinced they're bonkers. 322 00:25:57,240 --> 00:25:59,993 - But then what? - Then they go bonkers. 323 00:26:00,080 --> 00:26:02,196 (laughs) 324 00:26:06,080 --> 00:26:11,359 I always enjoy seeing how their madness manifests itself. 325 00:26:28,480 --> 00:26:32,314 (sighs) No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. 326 00:26:33,440 --> 00:26:38,355 This is unacceptable. This is acceptable. 327 00:26:38,480 --> 00:26:40,517 This is... unacceptable. 328 00:26:40,640 --> 00:26:45,157 This is total perversion. This is way beyond acceptable... 329 00:26:45,240 --> 00:26:50,679 His insanity threw him directly into the belly of the beast. 330 00:26:50,800 --> 00:26:52,950 (y dame) 331 00:27:00,080 --> 00:27:02,594 Oh, this is borderline. 332 00:27:02,680 --> 00:27:05,274 Um... No. We're on the border here. 333 00:27:05,360 --> 00:27:09,911 Oh, we're over the border here. We're into another unacceptable zone. 334 00:27:10,040 --> 00:27:14,231 No, this... No, I... Un... 335 00:27:29,720 --> 00:27:32,997 Oh, no. No. No. 336 00:27:33,120 --> 00:27:35,031 No, no, no, no, no. 337 00:27:35,120 --> 00:27:37,111 This is not acceptable. 338 00:27:37,200 --> 00:27:41,114 I am Broadcast Standards and Practices, and this is not acceptable. 339 00:27:41,240 --> 00:27:44,119 We're going to cut. 340 00:27:44,240 --> 00:27:46,277 No excessive use of violence. 341 00:27:46,400 --> 00:27:49,472 I am Broadcast Standards and Practices. 342 00:27:49,560 --> 00:27:51,597 No excessive use of violence! 343 00:27:51,680 --> 00:27:53,956 I am Broadcast Standards and Practices. 344 00:27:54,080 --> 00:27:56,356 No excessive use of violence! 345 00:27:56,480 --> 00:28:02,590 You'll not get away with this. The final scene is gratuitously violent! 346 00:28:02,680 --> 00:28:08,551 Aliens are a superior race and would not utilise automatic weapons. 347 00:28:08,640 --> 00:28:13,840 I will not approve this! I am Broadcast Standards and Practices! 348 00:28:15,120 --> 00:28:18,238 (r heavy metal) 349 00:28:18,360 --> 00:28:20,317 (sing5) 350 00:28:22,080 --> 00:28:26,119 What...? What do you want from me? 351 00:28:26,240 --> 00:28:30,438 - Enough words. Time for action. - What? 352 00:28:30,560 --> 00:28:35,680 You bear the burden of maintaining a nation's morality on your shoulders. 353 00:28:35,800 --> 00:28:39,316 - You mean...? - Yes. Kill them all. 354 00:28:40,320 --> 00:28:42,277 Enough words. 355 00:28:44,160 --> 00:28:46,117 Time for action. 356 00:28:46,200 --> 00:28:49,272 Yes. Now, shut up and dance! 357 00:28:49,400 --> 00:28:52,597 (music continues) 358 00:28:59,480 --> 00:29:05,954 You see, their grasp on sanity, and thus their souls, is precarious at best. 359 00:29:06,040 --> 00:29:08,111 I should say so. 360 00:29:08,440 --> 00:29:11,353 (I "The X-Files" theme) 361 00:29:17,320 --> 00:29:19,357 (director) Camera move. 362 00:29:28,800 --> 00:29:31,189 OK, aliens ready now? 363 00:29:34,880 --> 00:29:38,396 I am Broadcast Standards and Practices. This is unacceptable. 364 00:29:38,480 --> 00:29:40,676 I am Broadcast Standards and Practices. 365 00:29:42,240 --> 00:29:44,151 No excessive use of blood! 366 00:29:45,640 --> 00:29:48,109 No excessive use of violence! 367 00:29:50,160 --> 00:29:53,073 - Run! - This is all unacceptable. 368 00:29:53,160 --> 00:30:01,160 I am Broadcast Standards and Practices. Everything is unacceptable! 369 00:30:29,120 --> 00:30:31,475 Is that thing still rolling? 370 00:30:57,320 --> 00:30:59,709 60, take three. Tail slate. 371 00:31:01,080 --> 00:31:03,833 Hey, that's where I saw that guy. 372 00:31:03,920 --> 00:31:07,834 - What guy? - The depressed guy that saw you and Abum. 373 00:31:07,920 --> 00:31:11,914 He was at the aftermath of the alien massacre. 374 00:31:13,040 --> 00:31:16,317 (r heavy metal) 375 00:31:22,680 --> 00:31:26,036 (music stops) 376 00:31:26,160 --> 00:31:31,951 But I don't know how he saw me. I wasn't trying to appear as an hallucination. 377 00:31:32,040 --> 00:31:35,078 Now you're losing your grasp on sanity. 378 00:31:35,160 --> 00:31:37,310 Hold on. Not so fast. 379 00:31:37,440 --> 00:31:42,833 You boasted that the soul that you damned, ended up damning millions of others. 380 00:31:42,920 --> 00:31:46,470 - How do you figure? - Just take my word for it. 381 00:31:46,560 --> 00:31:51,396 Not every network has such strict broadcast standards and practices. 382 00:31:51,520 --> 00:31:57,391 (man) These extra-terrestrial visitors need to phone home 383 00:31:57,520 --> 00:31:59,477 and 911. 384 00:32:01,120 --> 00:32:05,353 “When Humans Attack“, right after these messages. 385 00:32:16,880 --> 00:32:19,269 He knows what we are. 386 00:32:20,280 --> 00:32:25,400 The man that you've all seen, who seems to see us so clearly? 387 00:32:25,480 --> 00:32:29,553 I've seen him, too. He knows what we are. 388 00:32:29,680 --> 00:32:33,275 It's an impossibility! He can't know. 389 00:32:34,760 --> 00:32:39,231 - He told me himself. - What? When did this happen? 390 00:32:39,320 --> 00:32:43,757 The other day I... I'd rather not talk about it. 391 00:32:43,840 --> 00:32:46,832 You can't not tell us. What happened? 392 00:32:48,240 --> 00:32:51,119 You don't understand. It's personal. 393 00:32:52,160 --> 00:32:57,519 - How the hell can it be personal? - The details. 394 00:32:57,600 --> 00:33:02,879 - They're so tawdry and sordid. - Now I must insist you tell us. 395 00:33:03,000 --> 00:33:05,594 (sighs) I was at a strip joint. 396 00:33:06,640 --> 00:33:09,765 It was a quiet night and! Was biding my time, 397 00:33:09,777 --> 00:33:12,636 on the lookout for my next damnable soul. 398 00:33:12,720 --> 00:33:15,394 It was obviously his first time in such a place, 399 00:33:15,480 --> 00:33:21,317 and I always get a kick out of seeing someone's first taste of forbidden fruit. 400 00:33:26,520 --> 00:33:29,990 But this yokel doesn't sound anything like the man we saw. 401 00:33:30,080 --> 00:33:35,439 - Can everyone see our true essence? - No, this kid didn't see my true essence. 402 00:33:35,520 --> 00:33:41,835 Hell, he didn't even see me. He saw himself, his potential future. 403 00:33:41,920 --> 00:33:45,515 - It scared the bejesus out of him. - (laughs) 404 00:33:45,600 --> 00:33:51,471 Sure. Yuck it up. It's really funny when it ain't happening to you. 405 00:33:51,560 --> 00:33:54,837 But this is just another reminder that... 406 00:33:56,240 --> 00:33:59,358 - I'm losing my touch. - Ah, no, you're not. 407 00:33:59,480 --> 00:34:01,391 No. It's true. 408 00:34:01,480 --> 00:34:04,233 It's been so long since I tempted a soul. 409 00:34:04,320 --> 00:34:09,759 Now here I am scaring wide-eyed innocents back to the other side. 410 00:34:09,840 --> 00:34:14,960 In any case, I was feeling very vulnerable at that particular moment. 411 00:34:16,640 --> 00:34:22,511 Don't be so glum, handsome. You could use a personal-fantasy dance. 412 00:34:24,000 --> 00:34:26,833 - How much are they? - 20 bucks a dance. 413 00:34:27,880 --> 00:34:33,671 - How much for an eternity's worth? - 20 with a sideways eight next to it. 414 00:34:33,800 --> 00:34:35,757 (Giggles) 415 00:34:37,120 --> 00:34:40,750 (sultry melody) 416 00:34:40,840 --> 00:34:43,832 - What's your name? - Chantilly. 417 00:34:45,640 --> 00:34:48,359 - What's yours? - Engelbert. 418 00:34:48,440 --> 00:34:50,431 (laughs) 419 00:34:50,520 --> 00:34:52,716 What's your real name? 420 00:34:57,040 --> 00:34:59,873 Sally. What's yours? 421 00:34:59,960 --> 00:35:04,477 Toby. How long have you had the tattoo? 422 00:35:04,560 --> 00:35:08,519 I got it when I started stripping. Should have seen me back then. 423 00:35:08,600 --> 00:35:12,719 - I was a right little hell-raiser. - I bet you were. 424 00:35:12,800 --> 00:35:15,269 I was gonna sow my wild oats, 425 00:35:15,360 --> 00:35:18,478 settle down, get pregnant 426 00:35:18,560 --> 00:35:21,518 and watch my little devil grow big. 427 00:35:22,960 --> 00:35:28,080 - I guess that's not gonna happen now. - Stranger things have happened. 428 00:35:28,160 --> 00:35:32,791 Of course, girls nowadays, tattoos all over their bodies, 429 00:35:32,880 --> 00:35:37,511 fake boob jobs, pierced tongues, who knows what all! 430 00:35:37,600 --> 00:35:43,278 - I guess I'm just... old-fashioned. - Times change easier than people. 431 00:35:43,360 --> 00:35:45,715 Ain't it the truth? 432 00:35:45,800 --> 00:35:48,997 I should have quit dancing years ago, 433 00:35:49,080 --> 00:35:51,913 but I have no other skills. 434 00:35:53,160 --> 00:35:56,152 Now you're singing my song. 435 00:35:56,240 --> 00:35:58,436 Why? 436 00:35:58,520 --> 00:36:01,034 What do you do for a living? 437 00:36:04,360 --> 00:36:08,035 I guess, this. I used to be so good at it. 438 00:36:08,160 --> 00:36:12,471 But now... I stink. 439 00:36:12,560 --> 00:36:17,111 I don't know what happened or where it went, but it did and it's gone. 440 00:36:18,640 --> 00:36:23,669 - All good things must come to an end. - Yeah. Life's funny that way. 441 00:36:24,840 --> 00:36:27,229 "Funny" is a funny word for it. 442 00:36:32,560 --> 00:36:35,120 (sobs softly) 443 00:36:41,200 --> 00:36:45,353 - Keep your hands to your sides. - I know. I'm sorry. 444 00:36:45,480 --> 00:36:48,836 Those places are really strict about that rule, aren't they? 445 00:36:49,160 --> 00:36:53,313 We were like two lost souls who, by finding each other, 446 00:36:53,400 --> 00:36:57,997 had also found the answer to all of life's mysteries 447 00:36:58,080 --> 00:37:02,074 and the secret to having lots and lots of really great sex. 448 00:37:02,200 --> 00:37:07,878 After that night we were inseparable. To be apart was painful. 449 00:37:07,960 --> 00:37:10,520 But what did you two do together? 450 00:37:10,600 --> 00:37:15,310 You don't understand. We didn't have to do anything. 451 00:37:15,400 --> 00:37:19,792 Most nights we just... laid in bed and watched TV. 452 00:37:21,240 --> 00:37:24,259 (TV) I think he's going through some kind w! 453 00:37:24,271 --> 00:37:27,509 Midlife crisis. It's common for people his age. 454 00:37:27,600 --> 00:37:30,319 Boy, this show really stinks. 455 00:37:30,400 --> 00:37:32,437 You said it. 456 00:37:32,520 --> 00:37:34,955 (Toby) It was heaven. 457 00:37:38,120 --> 00:37:43,320 Even the times we had to venture out into the world were wondrous. 458 00:37:43,400 --> 00:37:47,394 Her presence made the mundane seem magnificent. 459 00:37:50,280 --> 00:37:53,068 Toby, I don't know where this story is headed, 460 00:37:53,080 --> 00:37:55,514 but it's starting to give me the creeps. 461 00:37:55,600 --> 00:37:59,070 - One night she saw my true essence. - Another one? 462 00:37:59,160 --> 00:38:03,870 - The world's gone mad! - She'd gone in the night to the bathroom. 463 00:38:08,800 --> 00:38:11,792 She saw me for all I'm worth, 464 00:38:11,920 --> 00:38:14,673 in all my naked devilry. 465 00:38:29,080 --> 00:38:31,879 You see, she forgave me my faults. 466 00:38:33,000 --> 00:38:36,311 One night shortly after that we happened to wander into here. 467 00:38:36,440 --> 00:38:39,717 - You brought her here? - It's a public place! 468 00:38:39,800 --> 00:38:45,079 I know, but there are some places where women don't belong. 469 00:38:45,160 --> 00:38:47,595 We sat at this very table and I said to her. 470 00:38:47,680 --> 00:38:53,198 "Sally, there's something I've been wanting to ask you for a while now." 471 00:38:53,280 --> 00:38:55,351 What is it, Toby? 472 00:38:56,640 --> 00:39:01,796 Sally, will you m... Will you... 473 00:39:03,800 --> 00:39:08,715 Will you mind if we didn't see each other any more? 474 00:39:08,840 --> 00:39:12,674 I'm... I'm really tired of you. 475 00:39:12,760 --> 00:39:15,991 In fact, you make me sick, you... 476 00:39:17,200 --> 00:39:19,840 fat old cow. 477 00:39:19,920 --> 00:39:22,846 I could have delivered my lines better. I 478 00:39:22,858 --> 00:39:26,155 know I'm a bit rusty, but they were effective. 479 00:39:26,240 --> 00:39:28,231 She ran out heartbroken. 480 00:39:28,360 --> 00:39:33,309 In the old days I wouldn't have checked, but I was unsure of myself. 481 00:39:33,440 --> 00:39:38,355 (sighs) So after enough time had passed, I went to her apartment. 482 00:39:38,440 --> 00:39:41,353 The police had just gotten there. 483 00:39:42,560 --> 00:39:44,949 I'm the boyfriend. 484 00:39:50,760 --> 00:39:56,438 I'm a little ashamed to admit! Was worried that I might feel sympathy for this being. 485 00:39:58,200 --> 00:40:03,434 But seeing her like that only reminded me what ridiculous creatures they are, 486 00:40:03,520 --> 00:40:07,514 to destroy themselves over something so fleeting as 487 00:40:07,600 --> 00:40:11,673 emotional attachments and biological needs. 488 00:40:14,640 --> 00:40:17,314 I was overcome with relief. 489 00:40:21,640 --> 00:40:25,076 Plus, it had been such a long time since I'd notched a soul. 490 00:40:25,200 --> 00:40:29,671 - You've still got it. - Just like riding a bike. 491 00:40:29,760 --> 00:40:32,559 But that's when I saw him. 492 00:40:32,640 --> 00:40:36,998 I don't know who he was or what he was doing there, 493 00:40:37,080 --> 00:40:40,072 but he knew what I was. I could just tell. 494 00:40:49,040 --> 00:40:51,270 You must be so lonely. 495 00:40:55,040 --> 00:40:58,715 There! He merely mistook you as a grieving boyfriend, nothing more. 496 00:40:58,840 --> 00:41:01,832 He thought your relieved sobbing was hysterical sobbing. 497 00:41:01,960 --> 00:41:06,238 I told you. This man has no idea what we truly are. 498 00:41:10,360 --> 00:41:12,749 "You must be so lonely." 499 00:42:39,600 --> 00:42:41,591 Hey. Kid! 500 00:42:41,720 --> 00:42:44,075 Great cup of coffee. 501 00:42:44,160 --> 00:42:47,118 Keep up the good work. 502 00:42:47,200 --> 00:42:49,111 (laughs) 503 00:43:04,800 --> 00:43:07,110 Visiontext Subtitles: Fran Welland 504 00:43:37,200 --> 00:43:38,793 (child) I made this. 505 00:43:39,680 --> 00:43:41,671 ENGLISH SDH