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and 20th CENTURY FOX TELEVISION
DALE: Hey, guys, how do I look on this one,
huh?
We're not here to joyride the toilets, Dale.
If you can't get enough fun
out of helping me buy new handle bushings,
there is something seriously wrong with you.
KAHN: Hey, Hank Hill.
What were you doing in plumbing aisle?
Need new crescent moon stencil
for outhouse? (laughs)
(sighs)
I'm doing home improvements, Kahn.
Aw! Trying to improve your home
like putting lingerie on a monkey.
Better to save up all your dog-fighting money
and buy ticket to Arlen Parade of Homes.
I'll have you know
that my house is part of Texas history.
Yep. It was built by the great-grandson
of Captain T. Anderson Kearney
who fired the first shot at the Battle of Gonzalez.
Hey, maybe I should enter my house in the Parade of Homes.
DALE: Hey, who forgot to change the toilet paper?
PEGGY: You know, this closet would look a lot bigger
if you took out my shoes and replaced them with Nancy's.
Well, we don't need any Hollywood special effects
for people to see what a great house we've got.
Hey, maybe we can put
T. Anderson Kearney's brass boot remover by the door.
Kind of an exclamation point for when people leave the room.
Talkin' about ol' house beautiful, man,
talking' 'bout dang ol' swim-up no bed pool, man.
Talkin' 'bout just like dang ol' Wilt the Stilt, man,
see no double teams in his day, man.
Well, thanks, Boomhauer.
I just hope the people on the Parade of Homes
say the same thing.
Welcome to the Bobby Hill Room.
No flash photography on the trolls, please.
(sighs)
Uh, hey, uh, Bobby, you know what might spruce this room up?
A nice display case for your troll action figures,
with solid wood doors.
You know, so people won't be tempted to steal them.
Okay.
Um, aren't they called troll dolls?
(sighs): Yes.
Now, watch closely, Bobby.
This house is going to be yours someday
and you're going to need to know how to take care of it.
Can you hammer in a nail with a single blow?
This isn't a circus, Bobby.
But I could.
BOBBY: Dad, help me!
Help me! I'm drowning!
Oh, Bobby, you'd had such a good few years.
I wasn't me.
The wall's leaking.
Good Lord,
it looks like it's coming right out of the stud.
It's okay.
It's okay, babies.
Daddy's here.
Now, let's get you out of these wet clothes.
(gasps): What kind of
a sick bastard runs a water pipe through a stud
without installing a nail guard?
I don't know!
Well, the water damage looks pretty minor.
Yeah, at Lone Star Home and Casualty we see some doozies.
The Matthew McConaughey "water weenie" claim comes to mind.
Yeah, well, about my wall...
Don't worry, Mr. Hill.
We'll hire someone to come in here
and get this wall fixed up
before that Parade of Homes tour.
Uh, I don't really like strangers touching my walls.
Maybe you could just pay me
and I'll get the supplies and fix it myself.
Sorry, but company regulations require
we use licensed and bonded contractors.
But I can absolutely assure you
they do a first-rate job.
(sighs): Okay.
Now, would you like to be tested for mold while we're at it?
We usually do one after any type of water damage.
Won't cost you anything.
I guess. Sure, go ahead.
(clears throat)
Excuse me.
Do I need to file a claim for my loss?
HANK: Yeah, uh...
you're going to have to give those to the insurance company
so they can assess them properly.
I'm sure you know what to do with them.
HANK: Don't leave any excess joint compound
on the threads, and always wipe the pipes down
when you're done as a courtesy to the next plumber.
Now, let's see if that outlet needs rewiring.
I'll do it.
Just, uh, hand me that volt meter.
Hi, I'm Steve Goodman.
I'm here to check the room for mold.
Huh, so that's what you use to test for it.
Boy, I've never seen one of those before.
You think I could give it a try, Steve?
Nope.
I'm done here.
Okay, who wants to turn off the circuit breaker?
Too late. I call it.
Now remember, Hank, the Parade of Homes is not a competition.
But this is what we're up against.
HANK: That's pretty nice for new construction.
MAN: Can I...
help you? (both gasp)
Uh, yeah, we're in the Parade of Homes next week, too.
Hank Hill, single- story, ranch-style.
We were just admiring your place.
Nice shutters.
Well, thanks.
That means a lot coming from another parader.
Still trying to get the place looking presentable.
It's funny, I spent my whole life
dreaming about owning my own house.
Now all I dream about is the next thing
that needs to be painted or polished or replaced.
I love those dreams.
I hate to toot my own horn,
but this wall looks pretty good.
Let's enjoy it now
before Bobby puts up that poster of babies dressed as strawberries.
Hank, it's our first looky-loo.
Okay, be cool.
(knock on door)
Welcome.
Knocks pretty nice, doesn't she?
That's solid oak hardwood.
No pressed filler there.
Now notice the...
Whoa, whoa, whoa, you might want to save that
for someone who's not on the clock.
I'm Rob Holguin, Techno-Pure.
Your insurance company sent me.
Oh, uh, Hank Hill.
What can I do for you?
You can put your hand down
and step two feet away from me.
You may be contaminated.
What? Your house has tested positive for mold.
Aah!
Yeah, uh, you might not want
to take such deep breaths.
I've got mold?
Well, that can't...
I mean... how does...
God, is it hot in here?
I'm really hot.
Uh, Mrs. Hill, maybe you could get him a chair.
I'm going to make a small exploratory incision
so I can have
a little look-see here.
Thar she blows, my great green whale Aspergillus.
You're lucky you caught this leak early
before this mold really spread.
I've got green stuff inside my walls and I'm lucky?
Relax, Mr. Hill.
Rob Holguin is going to do everything it takes
to get rid of this mold,
and you're insurance is going to pick up the tab.
Everything from frictional irrigation
with a concentrated chlorine solution,
to forced atmospheric dehydration.
So wait. You're saying you're going to rub it with bleach
and then blow it dry?
(scoffs)
Well, in layman's terms, yes.
Well, I've got some bleach and a fan.
I could probably do it myself.
(scoffs)
Every joker with a bottle of Clorox and a Vornado
thinks he's an expert.
Look, unless the job is done
by a certified mold expert, such as myself,
your insurance company will drop you like, well...
I'd drop this, but then there'd be mold on your floor.
Hank, let him do it.
He's a professional.
Can you guys get it done in two days?
This house is on the Parade of Homes.
This is the kind of thing they take a picture of
and put it on their blooper reel.
Well, lucky for you, Aspergillus is my specialty.
I should have it calling me daddy in no time.
So are we okay to stay here like this?
Okay?
Well, that's a medical question, Mrs. Hill.
I'm not a medical doctor.
Now I'll need you both to sign this waiver
which certifies I've informed you that's a medical question
and I'm not a medical doctor.
Hank, listen to this:
"Mold has been known to cause itchiness, asthma,
chronic fatigue and disorientation."
Bobby, quick, what's your middle name, huh?
When's my birthday?
Here, follow my finger.
Your birthday is... I don't know!
Hank, the mold's got him!
Help me, Dad!
Oh, will you two just calm down?
Now it's just a little patch of mold.
We'll let Holguin do his job
and everything will be fine.
And the boy never knew your birthday, Peggy.
He always just piggybacked on my card.
(sighs)
Yep.
Mm-hmm.
(echoed breathing)
Yep.
HANK: Dale, take that dang thing off.
We're perfectly safe here in the alley.
Heck, we'd all be perfectly safe if we slept in Bobby's room.
A sleep-over?
I'll get my jammies.
Don't let him in, Hank.
With his foot fungus,
he'd just be tracking more mold into the house.
That area between his toes
is as rich and fertile as the Nile River Delta.
Can we still have the sleep-over?
I'll hang my feet out the window.
KAHN (over P.A.): Attention,
mold patient zero.
I know your house not good enough for Parade of Home.
Maybe next month, Parade of Toxic Waste Dumps.
(laughing)
(sighs)
What?
How could we still have mold?
I thought you said you got rid of it.
I did, from the leak.
But there must be
a secondary infestation.
The latest sample from this room
showed an airborne mold level of 500 parts per cubic meter.
Ah!
Hmm, nothing.
What are you doing?
I can't get rid of this other mold
until I find it, Mr. Hill.
And insurance regulations require
that we reduce the level of mold in here
to that found in the air outdoors.
400 parts per cubic meter.
400? Bobby, quick, get inside!
No, no, I mean, stay outside!
Get... get...
get in the car
and turn on the air conditioner, now!
HOLGUIN: Mrs. Hill, Mrs. Hill, it's okay.
400 parts per cubic meter is like a fly speck in a Big Gulp cup.
Wait, wait, it sounds like there's almost no difference
between the air in here and the air outside.
What's the problem?
Uh, I could try and explain it to you,
but if you want this place ready
in time for that Parade of Homes,
it would probably make more sense
for me to just do my job.
Thank God. I thought this thing was broken.
There's the culprit... Alterneria.
You're not so tough now
without your buddy Stachybotrys, are you?
Are you sure that's even mold?
It could just be an old dust bunny.
I wish it were a dust bunny.
In fact, I wish this whole damn wall were full of real bunnies,
but this looks like mold that's been here for 20 years.
What's on the other side of this wall?
(gasping): Our bedroom!
Remember that night I thought I heard something
and you said it was nothing?
Well, thank you.
You just signed my death warrant.
If we've been sleeping in this room with mold for 20 years,
how come we've never had itching or asthma
or any of those other problems we read about?
Well, that's probably because the government hasn't found
a scientific link between mold
and any known health problems... yet.
Then why do you keep banging holes in my walls?
Because I'm the hunter, and mold is my antelope.
And if I don't bang holes in your wall,
my conscience bangs holes in my head.
Holguin here. I need backup.
I got a bi-room situation at Rainey Street.
Hey, scrape that out more carefully, will you?
It's a wall, not a pumpkin. Whoa, whoa.
You're going to have to stay out of the hot zone.
That's both bedrooms and the master bath.
But where are we going to...
Automatic ice maker.
Oh, boy.
What? What, oh, boy?
Seal off the kitchen.
Now hold on.
This is getting... Dog house is hot!
Aspergillus.
All right, that does it.
Everybody out, now.
Hey, hold on.
I said stop.
Mr. Hill,
I understand you're upset,
but you really don't want us out of your house.
Yes, I do.
Okay, but if I get on this walkie-talkie
and call in a Code Charlie,
my guys'll be out of here in 36 seconds flat.
That's how long it'll take for your house
to become worthless. What?
Look, you've been informed there's mold in this house,
which means if you ever want to sell this property...
I don't want to sell.
I plan on passing this house down to my son.
Ooh, goodie gumdrops. Thanks, Dad.
A worthless mold house!
Do you have any pet birds, Mr. Hill?
No.
Good.
Can three family members share a living room
without driving each other crazy?
(sighs)
Booby, I've asked you several times
to stop making that joke.
Now, go to your room.
18, 19, 20.
Mr. Hill, you've got to get out.
Aah! You get out!
Your whole house is contaminated.
The neg air environment's been compromised.
The what? There's no time to explain
how it wasn't my fault... now move!
That towel could be filthy with mold.
Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!
Forget the toys, the insurance company will pay for everything.
Now move!
DALE: Leave it to you
to make a hospital gown look unsexy, Hank.
This says 123 Rainey Street.
This is on the Parade of Homes?
That can't be right.
Hank?
Oh, God, no, the Parade of Homes.
Is today the fifth?
Uh...
this ranch style rambler,
with upgrades to the doors and windows and roof,
uh, was built
by the great grandson of, uh...
T... (sighs)
Smile, Hank.
I want to get a picture of you next to the mold.
(sniffing)
(whimpering)
I know, girl, I know.
Hey, what do you know?
Erin Brockovich has got mold.
And Ed McMahon.
Oh, it killed his dog, Muffin.
Maybe we'll meet them at a survivors group.
If Lone Star Home and Casualty
is so interested in looking for mold,
you should start with this room.
It was growing on the soap.
I'm afraid there's nothing I can do
about the mold in your hotel, Mr. Hill.
They don't have a policy with Lone Star,
so there's no potential liability on our end.
(couple shouting)
They're arguing again, Hank.
Or making love.
WOMAN: You pig!
Is that what you wanted?
Making love.
(door opening and closing)
(footsteps approaching)
Uh, hey, yeah.
You got a busted latch
there, neighbors.
Yeah, anyway, my lady and I were wondering
if you'd care to join us for a Lynchburg lemonade.
Uh, thank you, but we were just about to sit down to dinner.
Oh, well, cool, cool, no biggie, okay.
Y'all have a good one.
There, I invited them! You happy now!
PEGGY: Okay.
Who's ready for Peggy Hill's coffee-maker ramen, huh?
(sighs)
(bass thumping)
You'd think music that loud would kill the bugs,
but it doesn't.
I tried sleeping in the empty swimming pool,
but, you know, the dogs.
(sighs)
Can I just go home?
I promise I'll put on one of those space suits.
Dang it, Bobby.
If T. Anderson Kearney could fight to give Texans a home,
then I can fight to get yours back.
Rob Holguin is going to need
to use this boot remover on his ass
when I'm done with him.
Hello, I'd like to speak to Mr. Holguin.
Sorry, he's at lunch.
Can I take a message?
You don't have enough room on that "While You Were Out" slip
for what I have to say.
(laughing)
All right, Holguin, I'm through with your...
Hey, hey, you're that
mold tester guy, Mr. Goodman.
Well, what... what are you two doing together?
Hey, guys. They just put all the stuff out
for make your own sundaes.
My insurance adjuster?
This is ridiculous.
You're all in on this scam together, aren't you?
All you guys care about is money.
Okay, fine.
How much to get rid of you?
Is that a Cirrus machine?
(laughing)
Yeah, but it'll only let you take out $300 a day.
That's just not going to cut it.
Nope, not when you got
a deal as sweet as ours.
Heck, I could throw a dart at the phone book
and I bet you the house I hit would test positive for mold.
(chuckles): And the phone book, too.
Say that other thing you say, Rob.
You know, the "Yee-hah."
Oh, yeah— "Yee-hah! There's gold in them there walls!"
(laughing)
(sighs)
Excuse me, sir.
I'm looking for no pest strips
for both crawling and flying pests.
The motel I'm staying at is a little dreary,
so if you have the ones that look, you know,
a little festive, that'd be good.
Oh, hell, yeah.
Dude, we got one's with snowflakes,
we got ones with burros on them...
I mean, they're all pretty beautiful.
(doorbell rings)
I'm coming.
Morning, Mr. Holguin.
I was wondering if we could have a word.
Sure, come on in.
Love to show you my new flat screen TV.
Just got it.
So, Mr. Holguin, I thought I'd come over here
and ask you one more time, politely,
to please leave my house alone.
Sorry, Mr. Hill, but I just ordered a new couch.
That big TV just makes this one look so... dinky.
Well, at least I tried.
Hey, Bill, why don't you make yourself comfortable.
Thank you, Hank.
Oh, I almost forgot to tell you.
I just got myself certified as a trained mold expert.
Took me 30 minutes.
Great.
Maybe I'll see you at our conference in Aspen.
But, you know, the insurance company will never let you
test your own house and pass it.
Now that would be a clear conflict of interest.
I know, that's why I'm going to test your house.
Bill, you ready?
Ready.
Ew!
Yeah, pretty gross, huh?
With the fungus and all.
Hey, is fungus a mold? Let's find out.
Whoa, there.
Now, now, now take it easy.
Okay, let's just talk about this.
Hey, you're testing right near his feet.
Sorry, I'm new at this.
But after I send the results to your insurance company,
I'm sure they'll send someone out here
and they'll do a more thorough search.
Punch a few holes in your wall,
rip up your floorboards.
You know, I heard nine out of ten houses have mold.
But who knows, maybe you'll be one of the lucky ones.
Okay, okay. What do you want?
Okay, Mr. Hill, you passed.
Your house is officially mold-free. Good-bye.
Now, hold on.
We're not quite done yet.
You two owe me a parade.
So if you'll just step this way,
and I know you will...
Come on, Bobby.
Let's show them
the house that's going to be yours someday.
(clears throat)
This ranch-style rambler
was built by the great grandson
of T. Anderson Kearney.
Uh, you might want to put your case down.
This is going to take a while.
Now, the funny thing about this boot remover...
Well, no so much funny as educational...
Is that it was owned
by the man who fired the first shot
at the Battle of Gonzalez.
Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org
DALE(echoed breathing): Yup.