Captioning sponsored by FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY
and TWENTIETH CENTURY FOX TELEVISION
I bought this whetstone
the day Bobby was born.
I can't believe he's ready to sharpen his first mower blade.
Son...
you're a teenager now, on your way to becoming a man.
This will help you on the journey.
Wow. I've always wanted one of these.
No, no! Stop that!
This is for sharpening mower blades.
You'll sharpen every Saturday
and when you've shown me
you can handle the responsibility
you'll get to use those blades to mow the lawn.
Okay.
Hey, don't put that down there.
Oops. Sorry.
Dang it, Bobby.
You're going to rake leaves
until that whetstone is paid off.
And every Thursday, you're going to bag them
and drag them to the curb
so they can be picked up by garbageman Morehouse.
How about he grabs the bags himself?
He seems to like it, Dad.
He's made a career of it.
Start raking.
What the...?
Bobby!
Coming.
Ow!
Huh? I've been practicing all morning.
That's it.
You're grounded
until you're ready to pick up those leaves.
Okay.
I mean it, mister.
Can I take the rake with me?
No.
Dinner's ready.
In a minute.
Son, I'm sorry I had to come down hard on you, but you're...
What are you doing?
Just smelling stuff.
Uh-huh.
The clock radio smells like my Game Boy
but it tastes like my library card.
I wonder if it smells different when it's on?
So, where's Bobby?
I want to talk to someone while you work.
He's grounded.
Not that he cares.
He's just sitting there, uh... smelling things in his room.
That boy ain't right.
Don't blame Bobby.
You've been babying him ever since he was a baby.
I don't baby him.
I've explained responsibility to him a hundred times.
Explain?!
You don't explain responsibility to a child.
You pound it into them with steel-toed boots.
Uh, well, I-I don't really know if...
I know.
And I'll tell you.
We got to chisel the man out of the baby fat
via the Fort Berk Academy.
That's what worked for me.
I always wanted to go to the Academy.
And I wish I could've sent you.
Unfortunately, you were such a bumbling moron
I couldn't vouch for you.
I think I would've made a great cadet.
Nah, you wouldn't have been no good.
But if you'd gone, you'd know how to handle Bobby.
Yep, even the Academy's two-week boot camp
does more than most parents can do to their kids in a lifetime.
Now Bobby... he'd make a fine cadet.
Huh.
I do not know how Bobby gets this cape so wrinkled.
Yeah, I don't know what to do about him, either.
What would you think about
letting the instructors at Fort Berk take a crack at him?
Cotton's old school?
Sure. And then maybe this summer
we can send him to Cotton's old POW camp.
Peggy, I talked to the principal
and he assured me that they are tough, but not rough.
He spent a long time on the phone
explaining the distinction.
Come on. Today, you're ironing his cape.
If we don't take drastic action
tomorrow there'll be a top hat in the picture.
Bobby?
It's your Gampy.
We got a little present for ya.
Hi, Ging-ging.
What'd you bring me?
Wow, a costume!
"You want the truth?
You can't handle the truth!"
It's perfect.
This ain't no costume, boy.
It's a uniform.
Standard issue for all cadets at Fort Berk Academy.
Huh?
Yep. We're giving you
the privilege of attending
the Academy's two-week boot camp program.
Enjoy your spring break, son.
Boot camp?
Can't we work something out?
What if I agreed to a spanking?
You can have both.
I'm not sure what this means
but I once heard that when you're stuck in an unpleasant situation
it helps to just lie back and think of England.
That's enough, Hank's wife!
If you got more feelings to express
get in the kitchen and put them in a bundt cake.
Pi-diddle.
Come on, Bobby.
Whenever you see a cripple plate
yell "pi-diddle" and punch your dad.
I'm not much in the mood to play games, Grandpa.
Come on, boy.
Take your tee-hees while you can.
Soon enough, all the silly
is going to get beaten out of you. For good.
You'll be fine, Bobby.
But if you start crying
just try to push the tears onto your forehead
so it'll look like sweat.
In my day, the principal was the meanest son of a bitch
God ever put on one leg.
He'd lean on a desk with both hands and swing his leg at you.
Then, when you were standing there
shocked that a one-legged man had kicked you, he'd bite you.
Oops. Well.
Huh.
How you like that?
Must've over-reminisced and brought up my pain water.
Pi-diddle.
There it is, boys.
God! Ain't it beautiful?
That, my friend, is "the hole."
If I had a nickel
for every boy that went loco in there
I'd be eating nickel soup.
They can put a boy in a hole?
No, they... They gots to!
It's hard to be willful if your will's been broken.
What are you doing?
Well, I was planning on coming in with you guys.
I thought I explained this to you 30 years ago.
You ain't good enough!
I was just going to help Bobby get...
You've helped enough!
Starting now, Fort Berk takes over.
So keep yourself and your hippie style of parenting
outside the gate.
Dad?
Good Lord, they're going to have to get bigger sticks
to beat the frosting out of these fatties.
But they'll do it.
Colonel Hill, it's an honor
to finally meet our most decorated alumnus.
You're darn skippy it is
but I don't wants my boy getting no special handling.
I assure you, Colonel
he'll get the standard treatment.
Well, boy, may God bless you.
Not that it would help you in here.
I can hardly wait to see my grandson
all toughened up.
You think you folks could mail me copies
of his daily beating logs?
Colonel Hill, you do realize
things have changed since your time here?
All right, you can e-mail them to me.
Lights out!
I suggest you get as much sleep as you can
before the senior cadets come by
to... welcome you.
Oh, no, I made a code yellow.
Oh, God, my grandpa told me they come in and beat you
with sacks full of frozen oranges.
Oh, dang!
Someone's coming.
Lie back and think of England.
Hugh Grant, Spice Girls... Paddington.
I don't get it.
Why was that supposed to be scary?
Well, five more minutes like that
and I guess it might have caused some hearing damage.
Just think, when Bobby comes home from Fort Berk
he's going to be respectful, obedient and easy to manage.
That's right, Hank... Just like a... a show dog.
My grandpa says that all you get for breakfast
is a spoonful of salt and some stale bread.
Oh, man!
That's how they brainwash you.
They starve you first.
Okay, plebes, move it.
Crepe station closes
in five minutes.
Uh, these sure are some good peas, Peggy.
What's your secret?
Microwave.
I wonder if Bobby's being forced to sleep
in mud or dung right now?
Wait, what's today, Tuesday?
Dung.
No one is answering, Hank!
Oh, they're probably all bound and gagged.
Oh, my God.
What if the wires from this doorbell
are connected to his nipples?
It is worse than I could have imagined!
Will you let us in?!
Let us in!
We demand to see Bobby Hill!
Peggy, protocol.
Sir, permission to see Cadet Hill
while keeping a respectful distance from the grounds.
Oh, you're his father.
We talked on the phone.
You're welcome to come in.
I am?
Of course, and so is your lawyer.
We have nothing to hide.
Your concern for your son
is perfectly normal, but I can assure you
Cadet Hill is excelling here.
Mom! Dad!
Bobby! Honey, are you okay?
Blink if you're not.
I'm great, ma'am.
Cadet Hill, why don't you take your parents
to Survival Crafts class?
I can attend a class at Fort Berk?
Well, I won't let you down, Bobby.
I mean, Cadet Hill.
On the battlefield
you may find yourself stranded
without enough water to survive
but with a sufficient quantity of mud
you will have the ability
to create your own bowl, pot, urn, decanter
or beaker to collect rainwater.
Very nice work, Mr. Hill.
We'll make sure to have that glazed before you go.
Did you hear that, Peggy?
I'm doing it.
I'm Fort Berk material.
Where's dinner?
It's 3:00, Dad.
I can't eat excuses.
You heard from Bobby?
Yeah, he's, uh, surviving.
Surviving?!
He's got too much of you and that one
to be surviving at Fort Berk.
Even I
barely survived
and I didn't have Gas Monkey and Sasquatch for parents.
I will have you know, Cotton
that Bobby is thriving.
We went to Fort Berk yesterday and saw him.
What in the name of Ned?!
They ain't supposed to let you two on campus.
They are required to by law
and we sat in on one of his classes.
Hank, show him the bowl you made.
What the...?!
You made a bowl?
Well, yeah.
It's a combat bowl.
Bobby made one, too.
Combat bowl?
The only bowl he's supposed to make
is from a hollowed-out skull.
How you doing in there, you poor saps?
What the...?
Is that all the respect you got for me?
You go and turn my childhood home
into a giant sissy factory!
How's my grandson supposed to toughen up
with you candying his ass?!
Sir, when I got here from Antioch College...
You're fired! Get out!
You can't just fire me.
Is that a fact?
Okay, Powderpuff
I would like you to speak to Clean Latrine Gene
who happens to be the chairman of your board of trustees.
General Gene Jefford?
That's right.
Uh, h-hello.
Yes, sir, yes, sir.
Very well, I...
Can I keep the Aeron desk chair?
Thank you, sir.
Hey, after this
let's go to the mess and get a smoothie.
Grandpa?
Fall in!
The previous commander was just as soft
and ineffective as your parents
and your parents are not paying good money for that.
Now, I'm here to make sure they get their money's worth.
With interest.
There's going to be changes around here
and ain't none of you going to like it.
Day is night, joy is pain, love is hate!
Good thinking, Private McFainty.
Sleep up
'cause starting at 0400 hours
you don't gets no more.
See you at sunrise, weakies.
State your business.
Grandpa. Gampy. Ging-ging.
It's Bobby here. Your Bing-Bing.
I ain't your Ging-ging, and you ain'ts my Bing-bing.
And if you think I'm giving you special treatment, well...
you're right on target.
Good, because I told the fellows...
Hush, boy! I will "special treat" you to a double dose of pain!
Why?
I want you to come out
of this cauldron of burning hell
the best damn cadet you can be.
Thanks, but you don't have to worry about that.
All we really want is the phone service back
and the mattresses for our beds.
Quiet!
Now, your daddy tells me
you have a problem raking leaves.
Well, I guarantee
you won't have a problem raking leaves
after you've picked up every leaf on this campus with...
a fork!
What the hell are you doing, boy?!
You gave me a fork, so I figured I'd eat the leaves.
Boy, am I stuffed!
Just kidding, Grandpa.
Maybe this is my fault
for not properly motivating you.
If it's food you want...
I could eat.
You don't want to rake
then maybe you need more energy.
This rotten pile of backwash is all for you, boy.
And you're gonna keep shoveling it down
until it starts coming up!
Okay.
Dinner's over.
Now I'm gonna give you something cold for dessert.
Okay.
Anything cracks
if you freeze it long enough.
How you doing, boy?
I'm okay.
Mom says I'm naturally built for winter climates.
God dang it!
You're going into the hole.
The hole's what broke me
and that's what's gonna break you, too.
Time to say good-bye, soldier.
Go and get in your grow-up box!
Ging-ging?
Quit your still-standing.
Start running till you hit the horizon.
See, Forky?
I just knew there was a better world
outside the cutlery drawer.
I wonder what Bobby's doing now?
Probably having a bull session in the barracks
with his new pals.
Bobby? Bobby, are you okay?!
Tap once if you're okay.
Oh, hey, Didi.
I've got the new TV Guide here
with all the judge shows circled like my dad likes.
Is he around?
No. Cotton's at Fort Berk.
What? He has temporarily taken over the Academy.
Oh, my God, no.
Yes. He is ruling with an iron fist.
He threw Bobby in the hole about three days ago.
Bwaaagh!
He ain't gonna be a pretty sight, boys.
Humpty Dumpty's done cracked
but now we can put him back together
and rebuild him as a super-cadet.
Dad, are you crazy? Let him out.
I was just fixing to.
Bobby? Bobby?
Give him some air.
Bobby?
Hmm?
Uh... oh.
Hey, Dad.
Ooh.
Well, I've tried a mattress, I've tried cement...
I'm a mattress guy.
Bobby, you're okay?!
Same 'ol, same 'ol.
I was merciless!
I dropped down on him
like a steam trunk full of concrete!
You didn't budge him
did you?
I... I don't get it. What's so funny?
I told you it wasn't easy.
You didn't believe me, did you, Dad?
I guess he was just born a pile of mush.
Well, I guess you could say that.
But maybe mush isn't all bad.
You can keep stomping on it
but it's all give; it just stays mush.
You can't build it up
but you can't break it down, either.
In a funny way, mush kind of has the edge.
Can you imagine that pile of mush in the POW camps?
He would've driven them Tojos crazy.
Three days with Bobby
and they would've quit the war!
I wish you could've seen the old Fort Berk, Hank.
But I guess those days is gone.
You know, Colonel, all this time I've been talking to you
you didn't grant me permission to speak.
That's right.
That's practically insubordination.
You better drop and give me 20, boy.
Yes, sir.
Two, three, four.
No, no, you're doing it wrong, Cadet!
Start over!
How'd you do it, Bobby?
How'd you survive the hole?
Well, I admit, I started getting a little worried.
But then I found some inspirational graffiti
on the wall and it kept me going.
Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org
What the?! You made a bowl.