Captioning sponsored by FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY
and TWENTIETH CENTURY FOX TELEVISION
Well, you obviously enjoyed that sandwich, John Redcorn.
Now let me tell you
about a different kind of sandwich you might enjoy.
At Strickland Propane, we offer our customers
a sandwich of excellent service.
The meat...
Hank, I'm sure your propane is wonderful,
but the reason I met you for lunch
is because I'm worried
about the way Dale is raising my son.
Okay, easy there.
Joseph is Dale's son,
and you have nothing to worry about.
Joseph's a good kid.
Heck, he's Bobby's best friend.
I saw him unscrewing saltshaker tops
at the food court.
He ruined an old man's taco salad.
Well, you know how boys are.
Yes, but there comes a time in every boy's life
when he must decide to be good or bad.
And a big strong boy like Joseph can be very good, or very bad.
He needs a vision quest to guide him.
Vision quest?
All cultures have a similar rite of passage.
Your people have a bar mitzvah.
Uh, we're not Jewish.
Really?
Look, if Joseph needs something,
Dale's his father, and he's going to take care of it.
Come on, guess.
Bear or raccoon?
I don't know. Bear?
Ha! Trick question.
No one knows if the giant panda
is really a member of the bear or raccoon family.
Tomorrow is going to be the coolest field trip ever.
Cooler than the science museum
when Miss Cooper's shirt fell open?
Is that what all the laughter was?
I was in the giant ear.
Uh-oh.
Steve, Jake and Dave.
Hey, Gribble and Tubby.
Get your butts over here. Now!
Hey, would anybody recognize gangrene if they saw it?
Hey, Bobby, where's Joseph?
Stupid Joseph.
What the heck was that about?
Oh, it's a very difficult age.
Yeah, man, I tell you what.
You talking about all them raging hormones, man.
Want to be a rebel and still a kid, man.
Talking about who am I, man?
Oops.
Well, what are you looking at?
I don't know.
But if it was a mirror, I'd kill myself.
Whoa. Those were the coolest kids I've ever seen,
and they appear to be friends with my son.
Dale, did you see what they did
to Bill's recyclables?
Rude. Rude boys.
Pish-tosh. What's the harm?
The harm is
a little saying that goes
"One bad apple spoils the bunch."
Well, looks like a whole mess of bad apples
just got dumped on our kids.
You know who'd be a good influence?
My son, Trey.
Last week it was Travis.
So?
You're cutting the field trip?
You're going to get in the hugest trouble in the world.
Give your little pandas a shout-out for me.
Maybe Redcorn was right.
Joseph's falling in with the wrong crowd,
and every group of bad kids
needs a heavy boy to be the lookout.
And Bobby is so impressionable.
I hope he has the strength to stand up to him.
Mom, Dad, I just saw
the most incredible fabric softener ad.
Is the supermarket still open?
Peggy, keep him here.
Did you know there exists a softness
beyond any softness you've ever felt before?
Federal Reserve. How may I direct your call?
You don't know me,
but I know what you're up to.
Sorry, Dale, didn't know you were on the phone.
Dale, I don't normally go in for that
"it takes a village" garbage,
but you've got a situation with your Joseph
that I can't have spilling over onto my Bobby.
I know, Hank, but what can I do?
You can tell Joseph
he's not to hang around those kids anymore.
I can't do that.
This is his chance to be cool,
and you only get one chance, Hank.
I know.
Whoa, there, Gribble.
Where's the fire?
Say, "In your wife's pants."
Say it.
In your wife's pants!
I won't do it.
Those kids like Joseph, and they're cool.
They're really cool.
Dang it, Dale, no one likes being the bad guy,
but sometimes that's part of being a dad.
I don't want to be a dad.
It's too hard.
Dale, you can't just ignore...
Yes? This is Dale.
Dale, the phone didn't even ring.
How good of you to return my call.
Sorry, Hank, this will have to wait.
Thank you for reconsidering
a vision quest, Hank.
You think it'll fix Joseph?
It fixed me.
There aren't too many former roadies
who own their own healing centers.
So, how does one of these things work?
Think of a vision quest as a purification process
to ready the body and mind to receive wisdom.
One prepares for a vision by fasting for 24 hours...
No food, no water, nothing.
Then, one must push the body
to a point of physical exhaustion.
To achieve this,
the seeker will often wander the wilderness for many hours
until he collapses.
Got it.
No eating or drinking.
Lots of hiking, then he'll see something
that'll make him okay?
Hopefully.
In my vision,
I saw a majestic tree blowing in the wind.
But the tree had no roots,
and was lifted up and blown away.
Hey, Redcorn! Green tube-top, row four!
I knew then that the tribal elders
had interpreted my vision correctly,
and that wrangling groupies for Winger
was no way to live my life.
So, I was thinking I would take him
to Lake Buchanan on Thursday.
Yeah, uh, I'm not sure
how well that's going to work
with the whole, uh, keeping Dale
from knowing about your, uh...
hand in Joseph's creation.
But, Hank, it's really important that Joseph's vision
be interpreted correctly if it is to guide him
to the proper life-path.
Well, then, I guess
I'll bring Dale and the boys camping.
Joseph will have a vision; I'll report back with the dream,
and you'll fill me in on the sacred wisdom and whatnot.
It is a fair compromise.
But, Hank, this is an important ritual among my people.
Don't half-ass it.
Hey, I never told you
what a great time you missed at the pandas.
We got to eat bamboo.
Then Clark Peters made a butt-crack
out of his stomach fat,
and a panda totally looked right at him.
Hil-arious!
Plus, I got this.
Her name is Pang-Ni,
and when I bought her,
she was filled with Chinese energy drink.
You know, Joseph, uh, and, Bobby, and, Dale,
while we're here, it's important
to listen to what the land is telling us.
Yep. You know, this land once belonged to the Caddo tribe?
And the story goes that they once offended their spirits...
Hey, speaking of the red man.
It's John Redcorn.
Hey, what a co-inky-dink.
All of us camping here, pretty funny.
Huh.
Oh, you mean, funny-weird.
That is odd.
Well, I won't keep you.
But, hey, remember to listen
to what the land is telling you.
Especially Joseph.
I don't think I've ever been hungrier.
Yeah, I never thought
I could go this far without food,
but we're doing it, right, Dad?
Give us some food, Hank!
I'm starving.
Oh, blast it.
I think I left the food back in the van.
Blast it.
Could you have picked a site farther away, Hank?
Yeah, what was I thinking?
Your problem is, you never think about anything.
Look alive, boy.
Why can't we just go to sleep?
Bears.
Hey, maybe Dale, Bobby and I should go get some more wood.
Joseph, you stay here.
The only thing keeping you safe from bears is this fire,
so don't fall asleep and let it go out.
Whatever.
I don't want to walk anymore!
How come he gets to stay?
There's wood.
We're passing all kinds of wood.
Wood, wood, wood, wood, wood, wood.
Wood.
That's a weird word.
Wood... wood.
Weird... word.
Weird... wood.
Yeah, maybe this is far enough.
All right, who wants a candy bar?
Oh, thank God. I'm starving.
Dale?
Wood... wood, wood.
Wood, wood, wood.
Wood!
Wood.
Oh, my God, Dale, are you all right?
I see the buffalo!
I see the Indian!
I... am... the Indian.
Oh, dang it.
Dad, where the hell are you?
Dad?
Your dad's not coming.
He's rolling around on the ground and eating bark,
and my dad's saying "dang it" a lot.
This trip is so... sucks!
You know what the land's telling me?
Wreck stuff!
That's your dad's sleeping bag!
Look at it burn!
Hey, Bobby,
I wanted to talk to you about Joseph.
If, uh, if Joseph's planning to do something bad
I want you to tell me.
Wait a second.
You want me to be a narc.
Bobby, sometimes
narcing is good.
You see that?
If Boomhauer hadn't called me and narced on Bill
I wouldn't have known he was in trouble.
Relax!
Don't struggle.
You're just making things worse.
Don't tell me what to do.
I'm going to go out there
and try to pry that tire off Bill.
I'll probably get kicked and scratched in the process,
but that's what friends do.
Hello, my beautiful Indian brother!
Can I come in?
I got a vision that needs interpreting.
So I've heard.
Please, Dale, that belonged to my father.
Yeah, it's nice.
What's that made out of, rigatoni?
Bones. Eww!
Anyway, try running this vision through the old noggin.
There was an Indian...
I couldn't see his face, but he was a big guy,
about yay tall and yay wide,
wearing a magnificent buffalo headdress,
and he was making love to my wife!
Dale, I'm not sure I...
Hold on, there's more.
I suddenly found myself in a hospital,
watching Nancy give birth to Joseph,
except Joseph was wearing the exact same headdress
as the faceless Indian.
So, working backwards...
I fathered an Indian child, therefore I am an Indian!
Okay, that's one interpretation.
So, do you have a regular place
you buy your feathers and bonnets and so forth?
It's a website.
Yep.
Yup.
Mm-hmm.
Well, I'm just gonna come right out and say it, Dale.
Something seems different about you.
Something is different, Bill.
I had a vision.
I'm an Indian now.
Oh.
I always wondered why I hated
the federal government and loved tobacco with such passions
but now it all makes sense.
Okay, time-out, Sitting Jackass.
Have you looked in a mirror lately?
You are the goddang whitest person I've ever seen.
I am the albino buffalo!
Deal with it.
Is this your lunch period, or are you cutting?
'C-'Cause I'm definitely cutting.
We're cutting and making plans.
Tomorrow night
we are going to show
those stupid fat-ass pandas who's boss.
We're gonna paint them!
Yeah, we're gonna paint our names all over them.
Bu-But those pandas aren't gonna just sit around
and let you paint them.
That's why we're gonna drug 'em.
We got bamboo soaking in Nyquil.
Hey, Joseph, nice skeletons.
Knife through the eye, huh?
That's probably what killed him.
If you're gonna give me a hard time, do it fast, Bobby,
'cause I'm getting out of here.
You're cutting again?
You keep it up, you're gonna get expelled!
So? Steve's older brother got expelled.
Now he's got his own business filling vending machines.
Gets all the snacks he wants.
Hey, how about we go do something really bad
after school together?
We could buy a pane of glass and break it. My treat!
Wow. You'd do that for me?
My dad's got a new edger we can use.
You know, Bobby, I haven't been able to eat all day,
and I can't sleep.
Can I tell you something?
What's up?
Steve and those guys
are planning this big thing at the zoo tonight.
What?
I shouldn't have said anything.
You can't tell anyone!
Everybody, I'd like you to welcome a special guest today.
A man from our local Native American community
who took time out of his busy schedule
to share a little something about his heritage.
Good morning, class!
Or, as my people say, "How!"
I can see your Dad's junk.
Dad! Dad!!
Everything all right, son?
I was just doing some farming and I thought I heard something.
You're not crazy!
I just had one of those vision things you were talking about!
Maybe I should go talk to Mr. Redcorn like you did,
find out what it means.
You don't need John Redcorn.
As an Indian, I'm fully qualified to interpret dreams.
Really?
Is the wind sacred?
Well...
I was running with a herd of buffalo.
But I didn't run fast enough, so I got trampled.
And one of those Pandas was staring at me.
That's pretty weird.
Well, I guess the panda kind of makes sense.
Those guys, you know, my new friends?
They were gonna do something real bad at the zoo tonight.
I know what the dream means.
The dream means: Go with the herd!
Those kids are your destiny...
They could be your one shot at coolness!
So I should try to do what they're doing
even if I think it's bad?
Yes. Yes!
No. No, you're not gonna just run with the herd.
The dream means you've got to run faster
and be even cooler than them.
But they're gonna paint their names on the pandas!
I could never be cooler than them.
'Course you could... by killing a panda!
Yeah, but... isn't killing 'em like a crime?
Absolutely, for a white man, but we're Indians.
We can kill just about anything
so long as we use all the parts.
Hey, how'd you like to go to school
wearing a panda head as a hat?
Yeah, that would be cool.
Come on, get dressed.
We're going to the zoo.
What are you doing, sug?
Oh, I get it.
No time for that, cowgirl.
Joseph had a dream about getting trampled
by a buffalo herd,
so we're off to do something spectacular
to make sure the cool kids like him.
Bail money's in the armoire just in case. Love you!
No, no, Nancy, the dream is a warning.
Dale's going to ruin Joseph's life!
I have relied on others to raise my son for too long.
No offense, but it ends now.
Shoot, the gate's locked.
What was that chant Redcorn taught me?
The one I used to open the mustard?
♪ Hai-ya ♪
♪ Grey Poupon, hey-hoi... ♪
Dad, watch out!
The gate is open!
Thank you, gate spirit.
Oh, my God, they're eloping!
No, sug.
It's about Joseph.
Can we come in?
500 years of oppression
and somehow I find this the most irritating.
We must find Dale and Joseph before it's too late.
I think I know where they went.
Is it narcing if I tell Pang-Ni and you overhear it?
Bingo!
You can't hide from an Indian tracker.
Let's move.
Joseph's never going to talk to me again.
You made a tough choice, but you might have saved your friend.
My people have a saying: When we ask for strength,
the Great Spirit sends us difficulties,
which make us strong.
That's pretty cool.
You like that?
Hey, pass it on to Joseph.
You know, if you want.
Either way, it's no biggie to me.
Joseph?
Yeah, Dad.
You are going to be so cool!
I know!
Cool. Some dumbass left the gate open.
Whoa, Gribble's gonna shoot a panda!
Man, he kills a panda,
he'll be able to get any chick he wants.
Joseph, put the bow down!
Please, sug!
Ignore the interlopers!
Focus on the hunt!
All right, Gribble! Do it!
Kill that panda, man!
Let me get you in frame.
Okay, kill it!
The herd is pleased!
You have to make a choice, Joseph.
Sometimes, a herd can be the safest place there is,
but the wrong herd can trample you.
Kill it, Gribble!
Kill it!
You heard him, kill it!
If I killed a panda at your age, we'd be living
in the Governor's mansion!
Wow. Whoa.
I didn't mean to shoot!
It was an accident!
He won't catch a bullet.
I'm not shooting the panda.
Hmm. Like a lead buffalo, strong, independent...
That will be your path.
Hey!
Boring!
All right, there isn't gonna be a panda-killing tonight.
So, get home before I call the cops!
I thought he was a cop.
I'm not gonna lie to you, Joseph.
It sure would have been sweet having a cool son.
Hey!
Hey, cool kids, look at Joseph smoke! Look!
Nah, they're gone.
You know, Dad, sometimes the coolest thing to do is
make your own path and not kill a panda.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Sorry I narced on you, Joseph.
Yeah, well, sorry I was such a tool.
Dang, I hardly slept at all last night.
Then I had so much trouble getting going this morning,
I missed breakfast and the bus.
I'm gonna go with Bobby Panda for the win, Tom.
Bobby Panda: A recent survey found
that the most popular thing Americans like to dip in fondue
is... what?
My mother-in-law!
Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org
Hey what a coinki-dink!