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"X" equals two...
Come on, reach up higher.
"Y" equals seven.
Your butt equals ten.
Why don't you take a picture, Stu?
It would last longer.
Okay. Work it.
"X" equals jerk, "Y" equals pig...
Hey, you kicked me.
I'm sorry.
I closed my eyes, and I was thinking
of those stupid guys in my math class.
Oh, and the guy in the parking lot,
and that volunteer pool cleaner
who always comes by when I'm swimming.
Tell me about it.
I once fell for a free breast examination in a bar.
It just makes me so... ooh, so... mmm!
There's nothing in the rule book
that says a robot
can't play in the Frat Olympics.
Hey, why don't the nerds just move across town
instead of living right next door to the jock fraternity?
That way, nobody
will be constantly breaking their gadgets.
No, no, that's wrong, Bobby.
If the nerds stood up to them once in a while
they wouldn't get their gadgets broken in the first place.
Listen, if you don't fight for yourself
you're never going to get anyone's respect.
Yeah, there's nothing worse than people not respecting you.
Every time I get hooted at,
I have to take an hour of Tae Bo.
Tae Bo? Is that that new Oriental way
of moving your couch around?
Nuh-uh. It's an exercise class where you punch and you kick
till you can't think of anything else no more.
No, actually, you punch, kick, kick, squat, squat,
rest, two, three, all to music, and kick.
Oh, it's dancing.
Huh. That sounds...
No.
Uh, Mr. Strickland, a couple of folks
from the Chamber of Commerce are here
to thank you for your work with the orphans.
Orphans? Chamber of Commerce?
You are so modest, sir.
Well, looky who's back from rehab.
It's, uh, it's my little baby brother.
I want my money, Buck.
Boy, you never were much with the ladies, but...
Ow, ow, ow!
Watch it there, Shrek, that's a Eye-talian suit.
Greta ain't my girlfriend.
She's a lady boxer I manage.
Although we did get dirty one time.
All right, all right, I'll pay.
Donna, put a hold on them payroll checks.
You putting the squeeze on me really takes me back.
Hey, I know a new girlie club
where we could ogle some ladies... no cover charge.
Whoo-whee! What a workout!
I'm sweating like a lumberjack.
Well, hey, there, Luanne.
Good workout.
Yeah, it looked good from here.
If you were looking at me
I'm going to have to have
both of your gym memberships revoked.
And I would hate to do that because you both look terrible.
Uh, no, no, no.
W-We're, we're just, uh, uh...
Scouting talent.
Yeah, I'm a boxing promoter
and, uh, we're just here scouting talent.
I'd love to see you in the ring.
Boxing.
Huh. My mama's in prison
'cause she fights so much.
Do you think that there's some way
her genes could have been passed down to me?
Wait a minute, Randy.
Luanne here might make
a really good opponent for Greta.
Yeah, we could put up posters all over town.
Call it "Beauty and the Beast."
Which one am I?
Because if it's okay with you, I'd like to be the beast.
Did I scare you?
Okay, guess who I ran into at the gym?
Buck Strickland.
He watched me do Tae Bo
and he thinks that I'd make a great boxer.
Look, Luanne, I fought at the "Y."
Trust me, you are no boxer.
Y'uh-huh.
Friday at midnight in the back room at Sugarfoot's.
And I am going
to stand up and fight
and be respected just like you said.
Luanne, the kind of women that box
don't have 50 stuffed animals on their bed.
Hey, why don't you spend Friday night
watching one of those movies you like
where the people fall in love, and then one of them dies?
Oh, Luanne, you have to understand
your uncle only wants the best for you.
That said, everything he just told you: complete jackassery.
Dear Lord, one of your creatures may be hurt tonight.
Please let it be the other creature.
Amen.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, okay, Luanne, looking good.
Yeah, now, just remember,
the key to boxing is to jump up and down.
Yeah, keep bouncing.
Bounce and weave.
Okay, folks
you paid your moneys.
Here come the honeys.
The Beauty and the Beast.
Whoa-whoa-whoa.
Watch the kicks, or I'll disqualify you
and you'll lose your free rib dinner.
Tell Joseph and Dale if he's listening good night
and get to bed.
I got a live feed with the hostess at Sugarfoot's.
She's got Luanne's fight on the speakerphone.
Oh, God, she went through with it?
Luanne, no!
One, two, three, four...
She's out.
Whoa.
I did it!
I won, I won, I won!
You tagged her good.
What a left hook.
Oh, yeah.
You didn't think I could do it
but I did it.
Great job, Luanne.
You want to fight some more for us?
I got a contract right here.
It's very fair.
Oh, my gosh.
Did you hear that, Uncle Hank?
They want me to be a professional fighter.
Ooh! I'm a professional fighter!
Mmm, women boxing, huh?
If they wear gloves
how do they scratch each other?
No, Bill, they punch pretty hard.
And Luanne was really something.
I tell you what.
Dale fights more like a girl than she did last night.
So I bit a cashier.
I'm a street fighter.
Luanne, I always hoped
to give my old boxing gloves from the "Y" to Bobby
but, uh, well
you know.
Anyway, I'd be honored
if you'd wear these in your next match.
Oh
Uncle Hank.
Every time I punch someone in the face
I'll think of you.
To Luanne!
Getting rich off a pretty lady's
even better than sleeping with one.
Well, neck and neck.
Well, lookee here.
Now, I know it must have killed you
to throw that fight, Biggun
but it was one hell of a convincing dive.
If you had any looks
you could be a Hollywood actress.
Thank you.
Here's your flop fee.
Don't touch anything on the way out, huh?
Times have changed.
Trained boxers willing to take a dive
are too gotdang expensive.
Hey, Bora, you'd take a punch for $100, wouldn't you?
No, sir.
Two hundred?
Yes, sir, I would.
Okay, Luanne
Buck says this Bora the Slammin' Slavic is nine and four
and she used to pull a dogsled back in her native Croatia.
When my fans are out there respecting me
I feel like a strong, powerful, ooh, independent woman.
Luanne
I brought you some tassels.
Tassels?
Yeah, it's a fight game, boy scout.
We need a little show for the people.
Oh, I get it.
A little flash.
Like Hector "Macho" Camacho.
Light on your feet, Luanne.
She's one of them Russian brawlers.
Yeah, yeah, good, Luanne, good.
Now, hop like a bunny, hop like a bunny!
Oh, uh, well, you know, like, uh, Muhammad Ali says,
"Hop like a bunny, sting like a bee."
Uh, that was "Float like a butterfly," sir.
Okay, now, Luanne...
Southpaw, southpaw!
Now, Luanne
you beat some tough fighters
and I think you're ready for a step up in competition.
Yeah! You know, I was reading
in the Guinness Book of World Records
about a woman who is 7'7".
You think she'll fight me?
Uh, maybe, but I was thinking
about the best female fighter in Texas...
George Foreman's daughter, Freeda Foreman.
Seems she's managed by her father
and four brothers named George.
Uh, uh, I already called the Foreman camp.
They told me they want nothing to do with Luanne.
Yup, they are ducking us.
But don't worry.
We'll line up another topnotch opponent.
Has the pretzel lady gotten back to us yet?
I'm sorry I'm late.
I couldn't get used to the heels.
What is that?
It's my outfit for my next match.
Mr. Strickland says that if I ever want to fight Freeda Foreman
I need an image.
So... ♪ ta-da! ♪
I'm a fighting French maid.
Dang it, I thought I made myself clear
when I told him no boxing thong.
I'm going to go talk to Buck.
You need to practice
so, get out of that stupid outfit.
And for God's sake,
don't leave it where Bobby can find it.
Luanne, if you want to be punched by Freeda Foreman
then Peggy Hill is the one that can make it happen.
Come on, let's go pick a fight.
It's just that Luanne and I are trying to build
a legitimate boxing career.
Oh, Mr. Buck.
Uh, yeah, I got you, Hank.
No skimpy costumes, no dressing her like a rabbit.
Thanks for coming by.
Sir, Mr. Randy is throwing up again.
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
Thanks, uh, Penelope.
Wait a minute.
You're supposed to be The Slamming Slavic.
But you're just Buck's maid.
Buck's maid?
All right, all right,
you caught me with my pants down.
I threw patsies in there
to protect your pretty little niece.
Oh, God, you mean every fight has been a fraud?
What about Helga the Hammer?
Librarian. Never been in the ring.
Okay, Luanne, now you have to trash-talk and embarrass her.
It's the only way she'll accept a fight with you.
You ready?
Uh-huh.
Hey, Freeda Foreman!
Everybody knows you're nothing
but a fraidy cat.
Wow, you have pretty eyes.
Who the heck are you?
Luanne Platter.
It's nice to meet you.
Yeah, whatever.
Hey! Yeah, you, you big can of beans!
You give Luanne here a match!
Unless you're scared, huh?
Are you scared?
Yeah, you're not a champ.
You're a chump!
Chump, chump, chumpity-chump!
Shut up, Grandma-hair.
Freeda! Oh, Freeda!
♪ Free-hee-hee-da! ♪
All right, you want to fight?
You got a fight.
And when I get done whippin' up on her
I'm going to come looking for you.
What'd I do?
Uncle Hank! Uncle Hank!
You'll never believe it!
We got a fight with Freeda Foreman!
What? No.
I know, it's amazing, isn't it?
Now, we better train.
She's much bigger than me.
I think she's even bigger than you.
Well, we cannot tell her that her fights are fixed.
It would wreck her world.
Well, maybe she'll get food poisoning.
You gave it to me that one time.
You could do it again.
Excuse me for making chicken tartar.
I could marry Freeda Foreman
and refuse to let her fight.
May I tell you what?
Talking about that dang ole oldest champ in the world
two times wearing that ole crown, man,
but talking about that ole grease,
talking about on five pounds since I got
on that lost ole thing, man.
You're right.
George Foreman's a minister
and a family man.
He'll listen to reason.
Boomhauer does it again.
So if you like your food
lean, mean and tasty,
don't forget to pick up one on your way out.
Mr. Foreman, sir, I know you don't know me,
but I'd like a minute of your time.
You want a grill.
Uh, no, sir, I'm pretty well set for grills.
I sell them for a living
along with propane and propane accessories.
Good man. What can I do for you?
Well, my niece, Luanne,
challenged your daughter to a boxing match
and she's not even in Freeda's league
but I haven't been able to bring myself
to tell her that, so I was thinking
if you guys can drop out of the fight
Luanne won't get her feelings hurt...
Or her face hurt, for that matter.
I respect that you want to protect your niece.
You know, I didn't want my daughter to become a boxer.
Neither did Muhammad, but Joe Frazier, on the other hand,
he had his baby girl boxing in the crib.
So you'll cancel the fight, Champ?
You got it.
Thank you. You're acting
just like I'd expect a gold medalist to.
Hey,
maybe there's something you can do for me.
How'd you feel about carrying my grill in your shop?
Oh, uh, sorry, we have a strict policy about that...
"No novelty grills."
Novelty grill!
Yeah. You know, no offense, but...
your grill is kinda like an iron.
You're calling my grill an iron?!
I've been hit below the belt before, but nothing like this.
I think it's a great product
for dieters or little girls who want to play barbecue
but you can't compare it to a propane-powered grill.
Fight's on!
What? No.
I said fight's on.
What's the matter?
Smelling all that propane caused you brain damage?
That's what it does, you know.
No. That is not accurate.
Those studies were all done on sick monkeys
and at least my grill isn't sold in Housewares.
Let it go, Daddy.
He ain't worth it.
You're right. George Three, get this man out of my face.
I'm sorry I'm late.
I ran farther than I ever have before
so look out, Freeda Foreman.
Uh... Luanne, those fights you had were fixed.
The fighters were fixed? Like my puppy?
No, you see, Buck knew that men would pay
to see you dance around the ring
so he found a bunch of cleaning ladies
for you to fight and knock out.
But I'm a great boxer.
That's why the fans are always yelling and hollering
and... throwing... dollar bills
and... oh, God, am I stupid.
So, uh, you can't fight Freeda.
She's a real athlete.
She'll kill you.
You could take a dive, like Bora and the others.
Then you'd still get paid, at least 'cause you showed up.
No. That's cheating
and I got too much self-respect for that,
even if every guy in the world thinks I'm a bimbo.
Guys suck.
I didn't see you in Tae Bo today.
Oh, that's probably because I wasn't there.
I don't like Tae Bo anymore.
It reminds me that I'm not really a boxer.
Oh, I wish I could quit.
But if I don't go, my modeling agent yells at me.
He's also my husband.
Hey, I can hook you up with him if you're interested.
But just look out because he gets a little grabby.
No, I want my next job to be something
that men will respect me for.
Men are never going to respect us.
That's why we've got to use what God... or the surgeon...
Gave us to get what they got... money.
So you'd do anything for money?
Or a car.
So, if you were me, would you take a dive
against Freeda Foreman for $1,500?
Or a car.
All right, now, raise your hand.
Which one of you fellows is the bachelor?
Hey, hey, Luanne with you?
She is not going to show tonight.
She asked herself,
"What would Jesus do if He were a lady boxer?"
The answer: not show.
Now... Oh, oh, there she is.
Luanne?
Okay, I'm ready to take my dive now.
You promise the check will clear, right?
Yeah, eventually.
Now, don't get hit.
You're fighting my aunt next week.
Oh, and those gentlemen over there
are here for a bachelor party.
Now, come on, give them a big ol' bouncy "hello."
So you can see, my grill is perfect
for a big man like yourself.
I've told you six times, I'm not interested.
Bounce, baby! Whoo-hee!
One!
Two! Hey, I got some singles!
Three! Four! Oh, I cannot watch this.
Say my name!
It's Bradley!
Spank yourself!
Eight!
Nine!
What are you doing?
Stay down! Stay down!
Oh, my God, she's going to get killed!
Oh, what the heck is she doing?
We're taking her picture for the calendar this week.
If I could take a punch like that,
I may have been able to think of a name besides "George"
for all my sons.
That gal's all skull and no brains.
She's like Joe Frazier with lipstick.
Way to go, Luanne.
Luanne, southpaw! Southpaw!
Whoo-hoo! Whoo-whoo!
Luanne! Luanne!
Oh, yeah! That's the Platter in her!
Man, she is tough.
Stick and move.
Use your left.
Don't give up, Luanne!
You can do it!
Stu, what did I tell you about taking pictures of me?
Whoa, whoa.
No, I wanted a picture with you.
I saw your fight.
You lasted three rounds with Freeda Foreman.
You are one tough chick.
Thank you.
That's all I ever wanted to hear.
Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org