Captioning sponsored by FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY
and TWENTIETH CENTURY FOX TELEVISION
Now that's one heck
of a shoetree, Hank.
Yup, Peggy's birthday is coming up
and she was hinting that she wanted something
"for in the bedroom."
Bobby, get out of the street!
Hey, get out of the road!
♪ Yazzim pimp... zizell... oh... ♪
Bobby, I can't have you disco dancing in the alley.
People are going to think
we didn't teach you shame.
And I know we have.
What is this garbage?
It's Pimp Franklin
and he doesn't need your respect, Dad.
He don't pay no man no mind.
Get in the truck, son.
When I was your age, we had these things called songs.
They were two-minute stories
about people falling in love
or burning down Georgia.
But I guess Hollywood decided
we needed more criminals
yelling about their ladyfriend's...
baby place.
Did you pick out your new album?
Whoa, red flag, Bobby.
I have been advised to listen to this record.
They put that sticker on everything.
It's part of the artwork.
It entices.
Excuse me.
I need to use this parental listening booth
to screen my son's music.
That's a great album.
Put it back.
This one, too.
The Four Scores... hmm!
Kind of sounds like The Beatles before they went nuts in India.
It's not the Four Scores, Dad.
It's 4Skore!
There's Chris, Calvin, Cool Chris and Todd.
♪ One ♪ ♪ One ♪
♪ Fine ♪ ♪ Fine ♪
♪ Day ♪ ♪ Day ♪
♪ God was ♪
♪ Kicking it... in heaven. ♪
Hey, I like this.
It's kind of like doo-wop.
This is the kind of music you should be listening to.
Okay.
♪ Down here on earth... ♪
Yeah, uh, I heard this new band they got out
4Skore.
You talkin' 'bout that dang ol' boy band, man.
Talkin' 'bout prancin'
around ol' ♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪
Oh, man.
It's not like I'm listening to them.
You know, it's just good music for the kids.
If your kids like listening to castrati.
But they are a nice, wholesome group.
Of castrati, yes.
And we can agree their music isn't all that bad.
Maybe even okay.
Okay if you're a prepubescent girl.
Are you one of those, Hank, huh?
A prepubescent girl?
Would a prepubescent girl be able to kick your ass?
Probably.
Dad, 4Skore just released a block of tickets
for their show in Houston.
But I thought they were all sold out.
That's just so... wow.
I... I'm just so happy for you and your friends.
Hey, Connie.
Hey, blonde girl.
This is Jordan, my study buddy
from the Frontier Learning Center.
And this is Bobby.
It's nice to meet you, Jordan.
Sorry. I just got my braces.
I'm still a little jumpy.
I already got smacked in the lip with a volleyball.
I got stitches. Do you want to see?
Yes, I do.
That's disgusting.
Okay, ranking in order of sexiness...
Ignoring their brutal slaughter
of Texans at the Alamo, I say it goes
Martin Perfecto de Cos, Antonio Lopez de Santa Ana
and Don Jose Urrrera.
Why don't we make this a tad more fun?
Let's rank the men on our street.
Well, I don't normally go for the white meat
but number one is obvious.
That Boomhauer have one tight little bod.
Well, I think Dale is second.
Dale?
He is unbelievably limber.
Well, my Khan
definitely tie for second.
He has big-ass pompadour
and his stomach is ripped.
And then I guess second tier is Hank and Bill.
¿Escuchame?
You think Hank is on the same tier as Bill Dauterive?
Well, don't get all worked up, sug.
We're ranking by sexy.
Hank's a good man
but he's too uptight to be sexy.
I will have you know that in the 20 years
we have been married
Hank has never once forgotten my birthday
or been late on a mortgage payment.
Oh, yeah, that's real sexy, sug.
You obviously didn't find Dale real sexy for the 15 years
you were cheating on him with John Redcorn.
Oh, Lordy! We forgot John Redcorn.
Whoo! Oh!
Okay, so it goes
John Redcorn...
Boomhauer, Khan and Dale.
Then Bill and Hank.
Or Hank and Bill.
It doesn't really matter. Whichever.
Dad, wait up.
I read a rumor on the Internet
that Chris frosted his bangs.
Dang Internet.
They don't care whose life they ruin.
Dad, I'm thinking about asking Jordan to dance.
When, how...
what song?
Help me. I'm in over my head.
Well, son, just look her in the eye
and say, "Would you care to dance?"
In my experience
women really respond to formality.
Have your tickets out.
Sir, the parents' section
is in the skybox.
Uh, I came to see the show.
Trust me, sir, you want to be in the parents' section.
This is a boy band.
♪ One ♪ ♪ One ♪
♪ Fine ♪ ♪ Fine ♪
♪ Day ♪ ♪ Day ♪
Hey, that's Todd.
♪ God was kickin' it ♪
♪ In heaven... ♪
♪ In heaven. ♪
That sure is some good old-fashioned music...
♪ I saw you walkin' round ♪
♪ With your friend sweeter than candy ♪
♪ delicious and sweet... ♪
Todd, what are you doing?
♪ ...felt about you... ♪
Hey! Hey!
♪ Can I get me some of that, can I get me some of that? ♪
Would you care to dance?
Sure.
I mean, if you want to.
♪ All over body addiction... ♪
So you go to the Learning Center?
You must be crazy good at math.
Yeah, I'm in trig.
Hey, what about you?
My math is just called math.
♪ ...the equation you plus me equals... ♪
Dad, look!
It worked. We're dancing.
What?!
Stop that!
♪ Everybody needs contact... ♪
♪ Uh-uh-uh. ♪
Dad, what are you doing?
Let me go!
♪ The equation you plus me equals... ♪
♪ Equals freak friction. ♪
Hey, guys, how was the concert?
It was a disaster.
I was fast dancing with a pretty girl
to one of my favorite songs.
Then Dad ripped us apart.
Hank Hill, are you so uptight
you won't even let your own son dance with a girl?
They weren't dancing like you and I dance.
They were enjoying it.
Lord.
Everything now is sex, sex, sex.
It wasn't like this when I was growing up.
What is going on with our children?
Yes, exactly.
Do you see the way the little girls are dressing?
Walking around in their tiny shirts?
Everything right out on display.
Where is the mystery?
And we wonder why men don't respect us.
I can't picture this horrible, awful dancing.
Maybe I need
for you to show me.
Well, all right
but this is for informational purposes only.
What the heck are they doing?
Then there was this god-awful hip shaking.
It was like those lizards we saw on the Discovery Channel.
Bobby, congratulations.
Cleaning out your brain is now my number-one chore.
What are you doing
with the Teen People, Dad?
I'm making a time capsule.
This box is not to be opened until you are 16.
Good Lord, what is this smut you're listening to?
It's not smut.
It's Radio Disney.
Nudity.
Okay, then.
Have fun.
Yep, kids are growing up
way too fast
and we have no one to blame but the dairy council.
They're shooting our milk up with hormones.
Your Christina Aguileras and your Shakiras
are their prototypes.
Nice to see you again, Jordan.
Dance with you?
I'd love to.
Minh, come quick!
Redneck boy getting busy with lawn clippings.
Bobby!
I'm going to show Bobby
that teens can have fun
without dancing like sex perverts.
All right, you are making Bill
look like Pierce Brosnan.
Hi. My name is Howard Bronsen, Jordan's father.
I was wondering if you'd mind coming over
so we can discuss the little problem
that happened the other night.
About the other night
Mr. Bronsen and Mrs. Hilgren-Bronsen.
I take full responsibility
for what happened.
I'm glad you admit you over-reacted.
You got a little paternal
and ruined the kids' night.
What? I don't think you understand
what the problem was, Mr. Bronsen.
Please, call me McB.
Would you like an apple martini?
Oh, well, that would be lovely.
We used to be
disciplinarians, but every time
we made some rule or set some limit
we'd just start laughing.
I mean, who are we kidding?
Hair of the dog.
Oh, you're in for a treat.
My son makes the best 'tinis.
Peggy, call the police.
Michael, I'd like you to meet the Hills.
Call them Hank and Peggy.
By the way, love the glasses on you two.
Totally geek chic.
'Sup? Hey, McB.
You missed a hell of a party last night.
Junior and Ray-Ray say wazzup.
Ooh, I love Ray-Ray.
Where were you, man?
Hey, someone's got to work around here.
Sure ain't going to be me.
You know, you really could wear a shirt like McB's.
We prefer it if Michael drinks at home
where we know he's safe
and when he gets really buzzed
you should see him play Pictionary... it's a riot.
You know, it's not too late for you
to have this kind of relationship with Bobby.
Yes, it is.
Hank, all you got to do is be Bobby's friend.
If not, who is he going to turn to when he's in trouble?
He won't even need to turn.
We'll be right there— bam!
In his face with a brick wall
of rules, limitations and discipline.
My parents were a wall.
I want to be a door that leads to a world of experiences.
Well, what kind of...?
You know, I think
we are all saying the same thing here.
No, we're not.
Nothing they say makes any sense.
Look, the kids really like each other.
I know. Why don't we all take them out.
Together.
Hey, there's a great...
I'm picking the place.
This place is so uncool.
Jan and Tad freaking Shaw. Get down.
Nancy? McB?
What are you doing in an ice cream parlor?
I mean, we're just here
so Tad can use the toilet.
Go ahead, honey.
Our kids are on a date.
Were chaperoning.
Chaperoning.
Nice job, Ronald Reagan.
Hey, don't call me that.
Yeah, don't call him that.
Oh, this must be
so humiliating for Jordan.
My Serena is getting ready for her limo ride
with her high school friends. Sophomores.
We were saving up to rent Jordan a limo
for her birthday,
but she thought it was a little played out.
She wants a slumber party.
A slumber party.
Good old-fashioned favorite.
With all the girls and boys in her class.
That's very progressive.
I think maybe we'll let Serena go.
Well, that was so exciting.
I did not know what was going to come next.
I know Jordan would love it
if Bobby could come to her slumber party.
We'll be serving tapas.
No. No gotdang way is he going to that party.
Oh, come on, Hank.
The Bronsens will be there
and this is Bobby's chance
to hang out with the cool kids from the Learning Center.
It would be more like an overnight study session.
Nice one, Mom.
No.
Did you even see how cool those other parents were? Huh?
They looked like Chandler and Monica
and look at us.
Andy Griffith and Aunt freaking Bea!
And it's all your fault.
I cannot believe you're not letting him go.
We never get to have any fun when you're around!
We hate you!
Yeah.
Happy birthday, Jordan.
I'm sorry I can't come to your party
but you know how it is with parents.
Oh, wait... you don't, 'cause yours are fun.
Bye.
Yeah, I treat you so bad
with all the food I give you
and the roof I put over your head so nicely.
I wish I could drive you, Bobby
but you know, you really don't need anyone to drive you
since it's only four stops on the Number Two bus
which leaves at 7:12, 7:18 and 7:40.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait.
Boys and girls are sleeping in the same room?
You got the little blue ones?
I love those.
Oh, man.
It's Serena Shaw from Frontier.
Hey, Connie.
Nice necklace. Wow.
Thanks. You can have it.
And you are...
Bobby Hill.
Oh, Jordan's new friend.
Well, I'll make sure you and Jordan
have a lot of fun tonight.
I'm a good kid!
Okay. we're off to the movies.
Don't worry, we'll be back late.
Uh, we'll make sure to honk
so we don't interrupt anything.
You're the coolest, McB.
Okay, the game is called Seven Minutes in Heaven.
The closet will be heaven, I will be God.
Someone grab a timer.
My God, they're really leaving.
Is there a phone number where we can reach you?!
How long have they been in there?
Four minutes.
I hope they have enough air.
I don't hear the sounds of ecstasy.
Dude, lick your hand and spank her!
Do you have enough air?!
I want to go home.
All right, who's next?
Who's ready for some contact?
Interesting, the birthday girl.
Looks like Jordan
is getting her first birthday present from...
Bobby Hill.
Um...
Bobby and I just met each other.
If we move too fast, isn't it going to ruin it?
I mean, we haven't even talked online yet.
I like him, at least I think I like him.
I know he can freak and he likes ice cream.
I don't know if that's enough.
Well, you've got seven minutes to get to know him.
Bobby
I rented a square dance video
and we're going to watch it as a family.
Bobby?
You sure have a lot of coats.
I know! Let's look in all the pockets.
Come on, Bobby.
We don't have much time.
Do you got any pets?
An old dog.
What's your favorite food?
Pork pockets.
Ham or pepperoni?
Ooh, that's a toughie.
I got to think about it.
Bobby!
Ham! No, pepperoni.
No! Ham.
There.
I like you.
Throw out some clothes!
Woo-hoo!
I've got a sock.
That's as far as I'm willing to go.
Shirt! Shirt!
A sock? Are you crazy?
A sock isn't good enough.
Shirt! Shirt! Shirt!
Oh, thank God.
You are busted, mister.
I don't know what you're wooing for.
You're all busted.
Where are the Bronsens?
They went to the movies.
When did your parents say they were going to be back?
45 minutes.
You guys got a game shelf?
While we're waiting for your parents to get here
we're going to play a little game
I used to play when I was your age.
No way am I playing Pin the Tail on the Donkey.
This is the saddest party that I've ever been to.
Well, I think we have our first contestant.
Hey... no.
Wh-what are you doing?
Wait, listen, uh...
Wait, where are you guys?
I can't believe Hank Hill so uptight
he ruin little girl's birthday party.
Thank God he showed up when he did
or I might be stuck in a closet right now
getting felt up by Clark Peters.
What? That little booger-nose creep?
So, Hank really came in here and took control, huh?
He crack a whip.
He really is sort of sweet with the kids.
Just like a big ol' gummi bear.
All right, I'm coming around.
Hank Hill pretty sexy.
Yeah, but not as sexy as Boomhauer.
Mmm, that Boomhauer.
How much longer do we have to stay?
We can leave as soon as the blacksmith
finishes my belt buckle.
So, um, in the closet...
I was going to kiss you, obviously
but my dang dad came in and, uh, put a damper on my situation.
So I'm just...
Nuh-uh.
None of that.
Yes, sir.
Nope, nope, none of, uh...
well, I guess that's okay.
Animals!
Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org
Todd, what are you doing?