(TYPING)
(EXHALES)
BOY: They have a cure for that, you know?
It's called a computer.
We're done for the day, or do I need to find something else to read?
I'm done.
It's done.
No way. It's finished?
How's it end? I mean, you gotta let me read it.
Not this time.
Well, you at least gotta tell me what happens.
Come on. How am I supposed to help with the next book if you don't...
There isn't going to be a next book.
You can't be serious. Why?
You wouldn't understand.
Try me.
I just can't do it anymore.
I'm not brave like you.
But writing's your whole life.
What are you gonna do without it?
What I should have done years ago.
What are you doing? Put it down or I'll... I'll make you.
How, Jack?
You don't even exist.
I'm sorry.
(BREATHING RAPIDLY)
(ALICE GRUNTING)
Miss Tanner! Miss Tanner!
Dear God!
(CHATTERING ON PA)
(GRUNTS)
(DOOR OPENING)
Which of these says I want to sleep with you more?
Penguin or beaver? Beaver, beaver, beaver.
You're right. It's too high school.
What did you do to piss Cuddy off?
I can't be romantic?
House, you're stealing from a woman in a coma.
We're fine. I've never seen her happier.
Yeah? What about you?
I'm worried.
Because she's happy?
No, because I am.
- House, that's... - Ironic, weird, crazy?
I was going to say normal.
For now. We're in the honeymoon period.
Our brains are flooded with endorphins.
And when she snaps out of it, where does that leave us?
In an adult relationship.
Name one thing that Cuddy and I have in common besides work.
There's...
You're both...
- Wait... - Exactly.
Long-term relationships are based on compatibility.
And right now we only have sex.
House, you don't actually think she'd dump you because you, what,
don't do yoga, listen to the B-52s?
Not right away.
We'll fight, makeup sex, fight, maybe sex, and then she'll dump me.
With possible goodbye sex.
So instead of enjoying the honeymoon phase,
you've decided to skip it entirely?
I need to find something that we both like doing, besides each other.
Right. Or you could just talk to her about it.
No, then she'll start pretending to like things that she really doesn't
just to make me feel better, which will make her feel even worse,
which won't be my fault, so I'll resent her,
and that won't be her fault, so she'll resent me.
(ELEVATOR DINGING)
At least with my plan, I get my One A Day with iron till the bitter end.
Is there a reason why you're following me?
Oh! Yeah.
You're not gonna believe who just checked into the ER.
The doctor hasn't examined you yet.
There's nothing wrong with me. My maid just overreacted.
Great!
This won't take long, then.
EMTs found her unconscious. Her maid said she had a seizure.
I fainted.
Huge Jack Cannon fan, by the way. I love your books.
Really?
My fans tend to be overly annoying teenaged girls.
I know.
And all they care about is who's hotter, Jack or Deacon.
Like Sarah can't love both of them.
I may belong to one or two online fan clubs.
So how's the new book coming along?
I don't talk about my work.
Okay-
How about nodding your head to a few yes/no questions?
But I'll make you a deal.
You finish this exam quickly, and I'll answer one question.
About anything? Anything.
Who is Jack's real father? Who kidnapped his uncle?
Deal.
I will have to go with...
Why did you try to kill yourself?
The burn on the side of your face is caused by gunpowder.
So, did you change your mind at the last second or just a lousy shot?
I'm out of here.
You can't. We had a deal.
Try and stop me.
Okay-
This woman is on a 72-hour psychiatric hold.
If she tries to run, shoot her.
With a sedative, if that's more convenient.
He called us back to work because a lady might have had a seizure.
A seizure while trying to commit suicide.
So send her for a psych eval. What's that got to do with us?
What is the matter with you people?
We're talking about a human being who's suffering.
You're right, that's not enough.
She is also the writer of Jack Cannon, Boy Detective.
Beloved by millions around the world.
By girls between 10 and 14.
Look, the point is, if she kills herself,
millions of fans, of all ages and genders, will be very disappointed.
So we're taking this case 'cause you're a fan?
No, that would be crazy and unprofessional.
You're taking this case 'cause I said so.
You and Taub do a full workup, observe her overnight.
See if she has another seizure. You can go.
Why does he get the night off?
Because he brought a smoking hot babe.
I have plans with my wife.
Yeah, nice try.
You hate your personal life. And you obviously don't have one.
Hey.
I'd stay myself, but I just bought the flowers, so...
Reservation for Dominica isn't until 8:00. So we got plenty of time.
You need to pick something up from a haunted house?
This is a gothic revival masterpiece.
I hope one day to live in a house like this.
Your friend's a writer?
One of the best.
She wants me to read her latest manuscript.
"Alice Tanner." Why does that name sound familiar?
I gave you a couple of her books a few years ago.
No.
She's the woman you put on the psych hold.
This isn't a date. We're on a case.
Ever hear of multitasking?
Did you steal her keys?
You think I'd take the Dean of Medicine on a B and E?
How did you get in here?
Well, I guess you have your answer.
FOREMAN: When was your last physical?
A while ago. I don't like doctors.
Any history of seizures before today?
Not that I recall. Are we almost done? I'm tired.
The exam would go faster if you would cooperate with us.
I am.
You're evading every question we ask.
Why do you say that?
That
I didn't ask for help.
Committing a suicidal gesture says otherwise.
It wasn't a gesture.
I had the damn seizure before I could get the gun in my mouth.
You want to tell us why?
You want to know my life story, my secret inner pain?
Maybe if I just open up a little, you'll be able to save me?
We're just trying to help you.
Thank you.
I want a woman doctor.
And back to being evasive.
It's my right as a patient. So, please, get out now.
We need to observe you overnight.
You really think I'm stupid enough
to try and kill myself in a hospital?
To see if you have another seizure.
We'll be up there and we won't disturb you
unless there's a problem. That work for you?
Whatever it takes to get you out of here.
House, Christina has agreed to not call the police.
She's probably illegal.
Same reason she didn't report the suicide attempt.
I called 911, but when Miss Tanner woke up,
she said she would fire me if I say anything about the gun.
And if she whacks herself, what happens to your job?
I think she's a very depressed person.
Never goes out, doesn't have friends.
She has all this money, but all she does is write.
I need to see her latest manuscript.
She always locks up her writing in there.
Has she ever complained about physical pain or stress?
Yes. Her back and her hands hurt a lot.
A writer with back and hand pain. That's very helpful. Let's go.
Sometimes I hear her cry at night
when she thinks nobody is listening.
I should have done something.
True.
What are you doing?
Before there were hard drives, there were...
How many of these does she eat a day?
Two for lunch. Sometimes three.
Still no seizure activity. It's your turn...
(SNORING)
What the hell?
Close. House.
She's fine. Both the EEG and all her vitals have been...
You. What do you want?
You wet the bed.
I'm just not sure how yet.
Good morning, gentlemen.
(CHUCKLES)
Well, if it's any consolation, I didn't get any sleep either.
Unilateral hyperhidrosis. Interesting.
She also admitted she tried to kill herself, but won't tell us why.
House searched her home,
found she's been eating two cans of tuna a day for years.
Mercury poisoning?
Explains the seizures, hand and back pain, also the depression.
Explains everything except the fact that it's not.
We got her urine and blood samples back. They're normal.
CHASE: If it's low level, it might not show up in a spot check.
We'd need to run continuous testing to find it.
We can't. She wants a female doctor.
She only asked for a woman to waste time.
She's cooperating just enough to get through the psych hold.
Put some lipstick on Chase and start chelation therapy.
Confirm with another urine test.
Okay, I'll go talk to Cuddy.
Maybe she'll let us borrow a dress, too.
(SIGHS)
(CLEARING THROAT)
This would be me ignoring you.
What if we got arrested last night?
And whatever happened to keeping our professional
and personal lives separate?
I'm not the one talking about our relationship at work.
What's behind your back?
Peace penguin.
What room should I return it to?
243.
I need some help with Alice Tanner. She wants a vagina.
I'm pretty attached to mine.
I told you to hire a temporary replacement for Thirteen two weeks ago.
I've been busy.
- Doing what? - You.
So you'll talk her out of it?
You'll hire a woman doctor?
(SCOFFS) Do you think we just sit around
talking sports and belching and farting
when chicks aren't around?
(BURPING) - By when? - Next week.
Next week it is.
What makes you think it's mercury?
Your symptoms.
I can perform the procedure myself if you still prefer a woman doctor.
But the team you have is our best.
That's an interesting perfume you're wearing.
It was a gift.
From Dr. House?
(LAUGHS) It was all over him last night.
If you'd prefer another female doctor, I can arrange that as well.
I also smelled it somewhere else more recently.
Faint, but unmistakable.
You should have worn a different cardigan this morning, Christina.
Something you'd like to tell me, dear?
When I found you yesterday, I thought I was too late.
I talked to them so I could help you get better.
I just don't want to see you suffer anymore.
That won't be a problem.
You're fired.
This woman cares about you. If it weren't for her...
I wouldn't be here now, would I?
I should have done it yesterday.
I understand that you're in pain,
but lashing out isn't the answer.
Treatment is.
I agree.
Send the men back.
At least they're not a bunch of dewy-eyed cry babies.
WILSON: What's that?
It's the new Jack Cannon novel.
Suggestions?
Yeah. Stop. It can't be done.
People wonder why you never cured cancer.
Did you get this before or after your date with Cuddy?
Yeah, probably would have been a wiser choice.
Huh.
This is actually good, House.
She's committing crimes. What does that tell you?
I'm a horrible influence.
True. A horrible influence she's reaching out to.
She's looking for ways to connect.
Sure, they're self-destructive, juvenile and insane,
but so are you.
You do have something in common.
You're both trying to find things you have in common.
And not finding them.
(SIGHS)
You don't look so hot. You want to talk about it?
Those days are over.
(INAUDIBLE)
Who are you talking to?
Myself.
If you're seeing things, it could be another symptom.
It's not.
It's only in my imagination. I make things up for a living.
And talking to them?
It's a writer thing.
We're also good at reading people.
Like you, for instance.
Recently divorced.
You slept with a girl last night, her place, not yours.
You probably won't return her calls.
That"
(LAUGHS)
How?
The tan line from your former wedding ring.
You stink of smoke, but no yellow on your fingers or teeth
means she's the smoker and you either didn't shower or change.
Either way, her place.
Do him.
We're wasting time, which is her main goal here.
I need your arm for this.
You remind me of my ex-husband.
A cute man, but problems in the bedroom department.
Not even close.
The ones I caught him in.
He cheated on me every chance he could.
The first time with my best friend. The second...
Bastard.
(GASPING)
(MONITOR BEEPING RAPIDLY) BP and heart rate are spiking.
Must be an allergic reaction to the chelation agent.
I didn't give it to her yet.
CHASE: Pain, seizures, hyperhidrosis,
and sudden onset of radically high blood pressure.
The continuous blood and urine tests came back.
It's definitely not mercury poisoning. They're clean.
Could be haemolytic uremic syndrome.
It's not. There weren't any blood or protein markers in her urine either.
TAUB: We also caught her talking to herself. She could be delusional.
She's a writer and a recluse.
I'd be more surprised if she didn't talk to herself.
You done playing with your ribbon?
What was she doing when it happened?
Sitting in bed.
She claims it was only in her imagination, but still.
When her BP spiked.
Comparing Taub to her ex-husband. She really hated the guy.
And her first symptom was when she had a gun to her head.
Excess adrenaline would explain the seizures and skyrocketing BP.
A pheochromocytoma.
Get an MRI and find it.
Would you hold this?
I meant now.
Have I mentioned I'm claustrophobic?
Have I mentioned we don't care?
(ALICE EXCLAIMS)
What's wrong? Nothing, just a leg cramp.
(GROANING)
(SCREAMING)
Get her out of here! She's got metal in her leg!
(SCREAMING CONTINUES)
She has three screws in her right leg
from a skiing accident she didn't tell us about.
The MRl's magnetic field superheated the metal, causing third-degree burns.
Skin ruptured from internal heat pressure here.
It's not our fault.
She signed the consent forms. Denied there was any metal in...
Normally I'd say it, but maybe this way it'll finally sink in.
She wants to die. We cannot trust anything she says.
Treating the soft tissue injuries in her leg cost us most of the day.
We also had to replace the screws.
And finding a pheochromocytoma without using the MRI could take us a week.
Longer if she doesn't stop lying to us.
Or we could figure out a way to find it in the 39 hours left on her psych hold.
We need to make her cooperate. We need to offer her something she wants.
She wants to kill herself, House.
I can work with that.
I want you to write more books.
I'm done writing Jack Cannon's adventures.
And when I get out of here, I'll just be done.
Now don't you say that, you dirty birdie.
You know, there are easier ways to go
than shooting yourself in the head or tearing apart a limb.
And this is one of them.
The best part? You'll feel so good,
you won't even notice you're dead.
(LAUGHS WEAKLY)
You expect me to believe you're going to help me kill myself?
You are the perceptive one. You tell me.
Why?
We can't find your tumor in time without your cooperation.
So I'm giving you a choice.
Give us a chance to make you better
or stick this anywhere and push.
Why do you care about me?
You think you know me because you read my books?
No. I know pain.
You think you can handle it, and then one day you can't.
And when that happens, you either find reasons to go on or you don't.
I'm...
I'm all out of reasons.
Now.
When you're pain-free, you're gonna wanna live and start writing again.
And if I'm wrong, you got a backup plan to take home with you.
Okay-
Good choice.
If I were you, I'd hide that if you want to keep it.
I know the perfect place.
(ALICE GRUNTING)
Morning, sunshine.
You're a real bastard.
You were supposed to choose life.
(SIGHS)
You're also an excellent liar.
Wasn't lying about the cure.
If we find and remove that pesky adrenaline-secreting tumor,
you'll get better.
You'd better hurry.
My lawyer will have me out of here this time tomorrow.
Yeah, about that.
It seems that last night, you found and self-administered
what you thought was a potentially lethal narcotic.
Your psych hold has been extended an additional 24 hours.
(SCOFFS) I know. Bummer, right?
You want to know something about my book?
- Sure. - Jack Cannon dies.
I know. Bummer, right?
TAUB: We finished analyzing the PET scans from last night.
There's no sign of a tumor.
We sampled blood from six different areas
looking for any spikes in adrenaline.
All of them were negative.
If she told us her symptoms, where it hurts, when the pain first started,
we could at least focus on a specific area.
CHASE: Or use them to rule areas out.
She'll only lie. We're better off not even talking to her.
You think you can get her to try to kill herself again?
We're gonna need more time.
There might be a way to get her symptoms without asking her.
If writers write what they know.
I thought you said it was about a boy detective.
And his mentor, Aunt Helen,
who happens to be around the same age as Alice.
The answers could be in the book.
Great. You finish reading your typewriter ribbon yet?
Look for the tumor with ultrasound.
I drove across town to treat a ribbon?
That's why I prefer lying. It makes things easier.
Whatever he has you doing, stop.
You told him?
We do live together. I generally tell him when I show up at his work.
He told me it was a matter of life and death.
It is. My patient wants to kill herself.
WILSON: He's just trying to read a book.
The latest Jack Cannon, Boy Detective.
Alice Tanner is your patient?
You're a Fannon, too?
I'm Team Deacon.
Oh, come on. Why can't she love them both?
The typewriter keys should have left impressions on these ribbon fibers.
They would also remove a layer of ink.
It's just a question of tweaking the software, really.
Does Cuddy know you're using the MRI for this?
Let's say yes.
So do you think Jack finally hooks up with Sarah in this one?
No. Debbie Wright is his true love.
She's dead.
Presumed! All we really know is...
There are actual patients waiting to use this machine.
(MACHINE BEEPING)
SAM: Congratulations.
It's a book.
Wilson just told me we're going on a double date with him and Sam tonight.
You don't like double dates?
I'd just like if you'd ask me first.
You don't like surprises?
Is this Alice's book?
Sam reprogrammed the MRI to read Alice's typewriter ribbon.
You used a $3 million piece of hospital equipment
so you could read a novel?
Cool, right?
Well, as your girlfriend, I'm impressed. As your boss,
you're a jackass. Don't do it again.
As your boyfriend, I thank you.
As your employee, I resent you because I need this for my case.
As your boss, you just got six more clinic hours next week.
So, what's the plan for tonight?
Whatever you want.
I don't care. Just pick something we both enjoy.
Yeah? What would that be exactly?
I don't know, you know what I like.
I got to get back to work.
Found something. It's not a tumor.
Whatever it is, it's encased around her heart.
CHASE: She has a pericardial effusion.
Which wasn't there last night when we did the PET scan.
Means she's getting worse, and there's no sign of a pheochromocytoma.
Seizures, sweating, rapid blood pressure
and an effusion point to something viral.
Or maybe a cancer.
We could use your opinion, House. Or at least your attention.
Jack Cannon is not dead.
It's worse.
Ten books leading up to a final confrontation.
She ends it on a cliffhanger. I mean, who does that?
People who want to sell you the 11th.
HOUSE: She was gonna kill herself.
This is the final Jack Cannon, and nothing gets resolved.
Who's his father? Who killed his brother?
How'd he get that damn scar on his cheek?
And why is he obsessed with yo-yos?
Is there anything in it that pertains to our case?
Yeah. I know why she wanted to kill herself.
His mentor, Helen Rutherford, has contracted a mysterious illness
which consists of joint pain, fatigue,
sensitivity to light and depression.
How do we know this mentor character is really Alice?
Helen dies halfway through the book.
Shoots herself in the head to save Jack from having to care for her.
If we add those to the symptoms we've seen and the pericardial effusion?
It's lupus.
It can't be lupus.
Why not?
It isn't curable.
That's not an answer. It's treatable.
We'll start testing to see which drugs she best responds to.
We're not gonna be able to take her pain away.
She's still gonna kill herself as soon as she gets released tomorrow.
I can't let Jack Cannon end this way.
We're treating a patient, not a book.
Retest to confirm.
Go-karts? Really?
(CHATTERING ON PA)
Your mom said you loved go-karts.
You called my mother?
I loved them when I was 12.
This is so cool! I haven't done this since I was 12!
Winner picks the restaurant.
I have a very bad feeling about this.
Are we ready, racers?
On your marks, get set, and go away.
Hey. Watch it.
You having fun?
You know who wins these races?
The person who weighs less.
My parents never let me drive one of these.
Yeah, I can tell!
Oh, my God!
(YELLING)
Whoa!
What is her problem?
She hates Jews.
Never again.
Atta girl!
(GRUNTS)
(GROANS)
(LAUGHING)
See you at the finish line!
Oh: yeah?
(TIRES SCREECHING)
Yes!
Hey! You're banned for life, mister!
Your Fun Stop privileges are officially revoked!
You, too, blondie. All of you! Get out!
I avenged my lady.
The seat belt nearly broke my neck. I'm done for the night.
It's not my fault Wilson's attracted to psychos.
You picked the place.
That's just the pain talking.
Oh, wow.
It was a car crash, not a skiing accident.
What? The screws in your leg.
(SIGHS)
You got me. I'll be going back to sleep now.
You damaged your thyroid gland in the crash
when the shoulder strap cut into your neck.
You don't have lupus. What you have is curable.
Go away.
I read your book. Sucks, by the way.
Nice try, but impossible.
Helen Rutherford kills herself
because she feels useless and doesn't want to be a burden...
Just like you do now.
You have hypothyroidism.
It's why you feel so tired and worn-out.
With medication, you'll feel 20 years younger.
Or whatever age you were the last time you didn't want to kill yourself.
How did you... You can finish the story the right way.
The way Jack Cannon deserves.
You think you know what Jack deserves?
I know that he deserves better than what you gave him.
You don't know anything about him! Why can't you just leave me...
(GRUNTS)
What did you do to me?
I can't move. I can't move anything.
How can I be right and wrong?
I deduced car accident because thyroid fit the symptoms.
But a damaged thyroid wouldn't explain the paralysis.
How can I be wrong about the thyroid, but right about the accident?
What if you're not?
I like the way you think, kid.
At least not completely.
A posttraumatic syringomyelia from a 15-year-old car crash.
Slowly growing over the years and pressing against her spinal column.
Causes pain, fluctuating blood pressure, seizures.
And if untreated, eventually leads to paralysis and death.
We find it and remove it. She should be able to regain full function.
If we can get her medical records from back then,
we can use them to pinpoint the location.
Do it.
We're dead on our feet. I've barely slept in four days.
Aw, that's sad. You know what's even sadder?
Thirteen was the only man on my team.
Yeah, it'd be nice if you'd hurry up
and hire someone to fill her spot.
Do it. Cuddy wants it to be a girl.
There are a couple of people...
I was talking to Chase, but I was just looking at you to screw with you.
(TAUB CLEARING THROAT)
I am meditating.
From where we're standing, it looked like sleeping.
We can't find her old medical records.
You woke me up for that?
We woke you up because it doesn't matter.
Alice is refusing any more treatment.
She doesn't want the surgery.
TAUB: She kicked us out.
Why would she lie about the accident?
Everybody lies.
Everybody has a reason.
I know. Alice is refusing surgery.
She'll be dead in a few days without it.
Which is why I've spent the last four hours
trying to find a legal way to do it
without her permission.
Unsuccessfully. I'm sorry.
As your boyfriend, I'm grateful for the effort.
As your employee, I'm disappointed at your ineffectiveness.
(SIGHS)
Why would she not tell us about the pins in her leg?
'Cause she wants to die.
By having her leg ripped off?
She wants to punish herself
for something that happened before she was famous,
before she even started to write.
I think the answer's in her old medical records,
but Dopey, Sleazy and Uptightey can't find them.
Maybe "Alice Tanner" is just her pen name.
Your boyfriend is an idiot.
I'll contact the national records archive
and run the type of screws in her leg
against blood type, age and anything else I think of.
Her first name could be Helen.
Even better.
Don't bother to get up.
Now the way you write Jack always made him feel real to me.
Now I know why.
Because I'm a good writer.
He's cool, but he's awkward. He's brilliant, but he makes mistakes.
He's funny, but sometimes he takes it too far.
Sounds like a great kid.
Please, just leave me alone.
You weren't alone in the car crash.
Your son was with you, Helen.
The books are your way of keeping him alive.
Why can't you just let me die in peace?
You haven't been at peace since it happened.
I killed him.
HOUSE: No, you didn't.
I let him drive.
He only had a learner's permit. It was raining.
I deserve this.
No, you don't.
He could always get me to do what he wanted.
He's always been my muse.
Yeah, all that may be true,
but I've been reviewing your muse's autopsy results.
It wasn't the crash that killed him.
Your son had a brain aneurysm. That's why he crashed.
He was dead before the impact.
There was nothing you could do to save him.
They would have told me.
They had no reason to dig any deeper, it was a car accident. I did.
It's easy to miss.
But you can see the blood build up here.
Your son would have died that day
on a bus, in school, sitting on his bed.
The only thing the crash is killing is you.
We need to repair that syrinx in your neck.
He was my world. Writing...
I could feel him with me.
It wasn't my fault, Mom.
And it wasn't mine.
Her son didn't have a brain aneurysm.
Nope. She shouldn't have let him drive in the rain.
Jack was never very coordinated.
As your boss, I am opposed to you lying to a patient.
As your girlfriend, I'm glad you care.
I don't.
I just wanted to save Jack Cannon.
I can see why you like him.
I started reading one of the books you gave me.
I find that very hard to believe.
Why? Because I can't like something you like?
We couldn't possibly have something in common?
Because I lied about giving you the books.
Oh. Oh...
Wilson told you. Yeah.
He's such a gossip.
I'm not gonna dump you because we like different food or books or music.
On the other hand, I might dump you if you don't talk to me
when you have a problem with our relationship.
I know you believe that now. But the fact is...
Who cares about common? Common is boring.
It's common. I like being with you.
You make me better.
Hopefully, I make you better.
What we have is uncommon,
and I've never been happier.
Mind giving us a moment alone, Christina?
I'd like to thank you.
Great. You can dedicate the next Jack Cannon to me.
I can't.
You're still in pain?
ALICE: No.
You did everything you said and more.
I can finally move on.
Thank you.
Move on, where?
I want to write books for adults.
What about Jack? Your last book, you didn't answer anything.
The way I ended Jack's story is perfect.
Each reader can decide what fate they want for him themselves.
Yeah, but that's stupid. That doesn't make any sense.
How many answers do you get in real life?
This is a book. Books have beginnings, middles and ends.
You can't just leave it on a cliffhanger. Who does that?
I'm sorry. His story's done.
There's really nothing you can say to change my mind.
Your son
was very lucky to have you as his mother.
- That was... - Oh, shut up.