(SOMBER MUSIC)
Help!
Help me!
(WOMAN TALKING ON PA)
- Dry heaves are gone, so am I. - I'll check with the doctor.
No, no, no. I'm here voluntarily. Just got to check with me.
I'm sorry. Dr. Nolan left specific instructions.
She's not sick, she's scared. So tell her to tell...
HOUSE: Wow.
And he's black.
Thought you'd be a little more sensitive on the slavery issue.
- You can't keep me. - Dr. House, you look a lot better.
I am a lot better. No painkillers, no hallucinations.
Leg hurts, but it's manageable. Great job. Gonna miss you.
Want to start missing you as soon as possible.
Well, legally, you're free to go whenever you want,
but I suggest you stay.
I'll take it under advisement.
If you thought the hallucinations were from your Vicodin problem,
why didn't you just check yourself into a rehab facility?
I was deluded into thinking I might be crazy.
But you have been abusing Vicodin for years.
Never had delusions, never had trouble sleeping,
never had any problems, other than narcissism and anti-social behavior,
until two colleagues died, your father died.
- Your issues run deeper than Vicodin. - That's not gonna cheer me up, is it?
You need to be transferred to our long-term ward,
started on medication, talk therapy...
Yeah. I get it.
Just one thing I'm getting hung up on. I can leave whenever I want.
How about I start with that?
You can't go back to practicing medicine.
I don't want to practice medicine. I've decided I want to be an astronaut.
Well, if you want your state astronaut's license,
you're gonna need my recommendation.
Is that a popular new treatment, blackmail?
You need to get better.
Welcome to Ward Six.
So, brass tacks.
What do I have to do and how long do I have to be here?
Depends on you. Process is pretty basic.
If you follow the schedule, agree to take meds,
participate in group and individual therapy, we can work on goals...
- I set a goal. - Excellent. What is it?
My goal is to get your boss to write the letter that I want him to write.
Now let's talk process. I can smile through gritted teeth and play nice,
but there are serious risks of violence involved in that choice.
So I'm going with turning this ward upside down,
making you and your boss' job and life so unmanageable
that he'll write whatever he has to write to get rid of me.
- SAFER: He's all set. - Thanks.
(EXCLAIMING OUTSIDE)
ALVIE: Yo, I don't need an escort. Get off me.
Who are you? You believe these guys?
Lecturing me on manic depression, like I couldn't write a book or two.
I stopped taking my meds because I want to stop taking my meds,
because nothing is wrong with me. No reason to keep dragging me back here.
When I'm on them, everything slows down, that's when the problem is.
Hey, nice to see you. My roomie last time couldn't stand me.
Really?
I'm Juan Alvarez. J.A.'s my stage name,
but Alvie's what everybody around here calls me.
Like the Woody Allen character in Annie Hall,
but the Puerto Rican version and not as neurotic.
So, what do I call you?
You're actually waiting for an answer this time?
- You can call me House. - (EXCLAIMS)
He's a brick house
ALVIE: Hey, wait up.
I've already got the whole place wired, so I'll give you the rundown.
Yo, everybody, this is my new roomie House, y'all.
- Main thing you gotta know... - Is this a line?
Hey, Gabby, meet my new roommate, House.
- You can call him Hizzy. - No, you can't.
Don't worry, she won't call you anything.
She hasn't talked in like 10 years or something.
Good you came here. You need to know the lay of the land.
- I need to request a new room. - (LAUGHS) You're funny.
You're also gonna come here to get your meds.
- I'm not on any meds. - You either? Good for you.
Tell me my mind works too fast,
probably tell Usain Bolt he runs too fast.
Excuse me. I know you're busy ignoring me, but my mini-bar is empty.
You think Bolt could do the long jump?
That sport needs to evolve, had the same world record for like 20 years.
I think if one guy launched himself head first
and right before he hits the ground does a front flip instead,
get three extra feet out of that, easy.
Go be that man.
(SCREAMING)
My head!
You're not getting any Haldol. Sorry.
That's Hal. His real name is Connor, but we call him Hal because...
Yeah. I got it.
We can't play that. They keep it locked up.
I wish we could, but at the same time,
you can imagine how annoying that could be.
Crazy people playing on it all the time. We'd never get any peace.
Come on, I want to introduce you to everybody.
You think he's serious?
He's a doctor. He knows that acting out will only reinforce our diagnosis.
NOLAN: Or it'll work.
You actually think this is something we should be concerned about?
A patient makes a threat, you should always be concerned.
(PATIENT CLEARING THROAT)
BEASLEY: There are two new additions to our ward. You all know Alvie.
Thank you. Thank you. Hold your applause.
It's great to be back here in Mayfield.
Not just for the food, not just for the ladies...
Well, okay, maybe just for the ladies.
And you should also welcome Greg to the floor.
Don't worry about the name. Just passing through.
I don't want to break any hearts.
- Can we go outside now? - Not now, Jay.
So he's claustrophobic, right? You're claustrophobic.
Can I get a pen to write this stuff down?
Where are you going? Where's he going?
- It's okay. - Paranoid. Check.
Dr. Beasley, I'm having an issue with the food.
BEASLEY: What's the problem?
I swear I'm eating less and less and I just keep getting bigger and bigger.
- A crayon, anybody? - We'll talk about it another time.
I understand you all had art therapy yesterday.
Maybe we can hang some of the new pieces on the wall.
- Cut your wrists, huh? - Greg, there are certain topics...
Oh. I'm sorry, is suicide taboo?
Gosh, if I've broken a rule on my first day, I will kill myself.
- Group's over. - That flew by.
You realize you're not the first uncooperative patient on this floor?
Really? ls there a club?
Yes. Come with me to the clubhouse.
- That didn't take long. - I'm that good.
Come on, come on, come on.
BEASLEY: Come on, Alvie, let's see some action.
- RICHTER: Me! Me! Me! - Pass. Pass. Pass.
Good! Come on, guys!
Ready to play nice?
- Would you believe me if I said yes? - No.
Then yes.
You do know I'm trying to help you.
I also know you're trying to be sweet, caring and effective.
You're just not.
You want out. Just talk, be honest,
try to work with people, try to deal with people.
Okay-
- House! House! He's on my team. - Shut up. Nobody likes you.
- Hey. Am I crowding you? - What?
Can't see the sun? Oh, no. Everything's closing in.
Okay. Okay.
He's the claustrophobic one, right? Because I'm doing this from memory.
- You have to dribble. - Why?
CIA satellites aren't watching me,
they're watching you 'cause you're wearing green.
That one was just too easy.
Seriously, anorexia? Were you supposed to be a girl?
And in answer to your implicit question, yes, those pants do make you look fat.
How upset were you when you woke up in the ER
and you were still alive and a failure?
(WHOOPS) Two-nothing, good guys.
You're right. It is rewarding to reach out.
You can't go up there. It's yard time right now.
Put it on my tab.
(MURMURS CONSOLINGLY)
(PIANO MUSIC PLAYING)
I think you'll find music therapy is more effective
if the patients are inside to hear it.
Where'd you get the key?
They gave it to me.
So, if she ever talks, are we gonna get a German accent?
No. She's my husband's sister.
- So let him come play the piano. - He doesn't know how to play.
Nice. A little heavy on the right foot, though.
See her head? It bobs to the music.
It's the only real reaction I'm getting from her.
Feels like we're talking.
You're not talking.
Her head is bobbing to her pulse.
Are you a new doctor on the ward?
Technically, yes.
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)
Can I lead this time?
Come on.
Leave the lid unlocked when you're done.
(FOLK MUSIC PLAYING)
Can you close the door? You're letting all the cool air out.
If you keep up this scorched earth policy,
you're gonna end up living in this room.
Are you ready to try another strategy or do you want me to leave you in here?
(GRUNTING)
Twenty-one. Two-one. That's game. Hey, House is back.
DIANE: I'll get the ball.
ALVIE: Come on. I need some meat. I got no one left to play.
I'll play v0"-
Pssh, girl. Come on, House. You can serve.
I've had some time to think about the approach I've been taking.
I'm new, I'm unhappy here, and I've been taking it out on you guys.
Unfairly.
It was misdirected anger.
'Cause when you think about it, the real jerks here are the doctors.
BEASLEY: House.
You see how they give you a ping-pong table, but no paddles, no net.
- It's like they're mocking you. - Preach.
The game is called table tennis, not table volleyball.
Greg, you know where this is gonna end.
Whoever saw a tennis court without a net?
A little run-down park across from my apartment, growing up.
Three courts, no nets, no one ever used it.
No one's gonna try to hang themselves with a ping-pong net.
- Of course not. - That's ridiculous.
It ain't right, Doc. You treat us like little kids.
Little kids are allowed to play ping-pong, they can play the piano.
Yeah, worse than little kids.
All right. Why don't we just go and sit down and discuss it?
No, no, no! No! I want to discuss it right here!
(PATIENTS AGREEING)
Guys.
(PATIENTS SHOUTING)
Guys.
(PATIENTS BANGING ON TABLE)
Guys!
We want...
(PATIENTS STOP SHOUTING)
House is right. I think everyone here can handle these.
Seriously?
Is that your strategy? Give everybody what they want, except me?
You're a natural leader. You could do something useful down here.
For them. Definitely for you.
Or we could keep fighting.
If you think you can break me,
if you think I'm not every bit as stubborn as you.
ALVIE: He came to fight the Man And he had the master plan
But it started to unravel Nolan smashed him with his gavel like
Shut up.
So, you're gonna keep trying to make them miserable?
No.
- New plan? - Yep.
- What is it? - I don't know yet.
His mind is burning The wheels are turning
The butter is churning
You think Nolan can keep House from strolling?
You know, it's easier to come up with a new plan in silence.
Right. Cool.
Can I hum?
I'd like you all to welcome another new addition to our ward. Steve.
Freedom Master.
Steve Elkerton's just a cover.
It's like Clark Kent or Bruce Wayne or Peter Parker.
Cool, we get more Jesuses than superheroes.
Well, I try to blend in, in the outside world,
but I figure in here everybody gets it.
Hey, we're living in the Ward of Justice.
HIE!
Can you explain a little more about what you think everybody gets?
That there's good and evil in the world.
And some people are special, and they're chosen to help keep evil forces at bay.
You don't think you can stop bullets, do you?
I move out of their way.
Can you read minds?
No.
Group time, Greg.
Why isn't she talking?
She needs help. She needs somebody to save her.
That's what we're all trying to do.
Let's take five minutes. Everybody get to know Steve.
I can fly.
(ALVIE SNICKERING)
I know you're scheming, working on your next elaborate plan to get out of here.
Why don't you put the plan on hold for a few days, see what happens?
Just let me do my job.
If you prefer private to group, we can do that, maybe try some SSRls.
If you think nothing's working, you can always go back to your schemes.
God, if only you'd said that two minutes ago,
before I came up with my new scheme. Now I'm committed.
(LAUGHS) Get it?
Shaq up in my area
I'm a better baller and a better rapper, what?
And I'm good at basketball, too!
Do you have third-floor privileges?
Ever since I shared in group about my uncle fondling me.
- Is that true? - Yeah.
And now I can use the third-floor vending machines.
You eat sour cream and onion chips? I mean, the whole point is the dipping.
We save time by not adding the mix to the sour cream, but you're missing...
I need you to break into Nolan's office.
Commando style.
- I want you to focus. - You want me to mess him up?
Go into Nolan's office, look at his calendar.
I need the name of the woman he met with at 11 :00 today.
No problem. And I'll get you some old-school chips.
If they have them, I'll get you some dip, but I've never seen dip...
Yes, get me chips and dip. What else?
I get it, I get it. Plan B. "B" is for blackmail.
I got you covered. Commando style.
(DOOR OPENING)
(PLAYS OMINOUS TUNE)
(DOOR OPENING)
Let me go! I just wanted a little snack. That ain't right.
Yo, I didn't know the machine was moved. I want some Ritz Bits.
Yo, I might be pregnant. I get these cravings.
(WHISTLING)
You get the name?
Nolan's schedule book just has a big "X" marking out the whole middle of the day.
Then we can assume the girl he's with is called "Nooner."
Nooner, nooner Nolan's gonna spoon her
He's gonna fork her.
And then he's gonna knife her.
I didn't get a chance to check the phone or anything else.
That's okay. I got her license plate.
I call my friend, he gets the name, I get the letter that gets me out of here.
You got phone privileges?
I'm on level minus four. I'm still writing with a crayon.
- You? - You gotta be a level five.
That's like the top of the Space Needle. Hal's the only one that's up that high.
Hal's a level five?
They give him a point every time he clears his plate.
- I've been eating his potatoes. - Will he sell you some minutes?
No, I pay two cigarettes for the potatoes.
Phone's worth a lot more.
- Can you cheek a pill? - No.
That's too bad for you.
- You sure you're good with this? - Yeah, yeah. Gotta be done.
So, how do we start?
I think we just start. Make it good. Make it real.
Just do it already.
(ALVIE EXCLAIMING)
(EXCLAIMING IN PAIN)
Code Gray!
Give me five milligrams of Haldol!
ALVIE: Get him off me! Hey!
Give it to him.
Dude, that was awesome.
You think Hal will mind if they're wet?
(DIALING PHONE)
WILSON: House?
No, it's your other friend at the asylum.
How's it going?
Hallucinations are gone, so is the Vicodin.
How's the leg? How's the pain?
They got me on some non-narcotic.
I'm dealing. I need you to run a license plate.
Was there a hit-and-run on your floor?
House, just do what you're supposed to do,
listen to the doctors, and I'll be able to visit soon.
Track down the owner of this car and I'll be able to visit you.
In your office. Tomorrow.
My doctor's too smart, too old, and too well-dressed
to only be running one ward.
He screwed up something in his life, and I think he's doing it again.
I need her name, so I can blackmail the blackmailer.
House, he called me.
What did he want to know?
He wanted to know about you.
He wanted to warn me that you'd be calling for something,
and he told me if I wanted to help you get better, I had to let him do his job.
Yeah, well, now I'm calling you to tell you that if he calls you...
House, I'm so sorry. I wish I could help you.
You can.
Turns out, you're my only friend.
House ain't a newbie Now he's living on this floor
And I hate you.
I'm gonna cooperate.
That's not much of a plan. That's actually their plan.
No. I'm pretty sure their plan is for me to actually swallow the pills,
to actually cooperate.
(LAUGHS)
(BLUES MUSIC PLAYING)
I'm so proud of my little roomie. I only taught him everything he knows.
One, two, three.
Okay, Stomp, you start the betting. Highest card wins.
That's probably a fold. Richter?
- Two cigarettes. - He's not confident, Alvie.
You can crush him. In the form of a rhyme if you wanted.
No regrets Raise 10 cigarettes
Whoa. That's a lot of nerve for someone with a two on their head.
You're messing with me.
- You can't raise 10, I only have five. - Throw in your phone card.
- I'm not gonna throw in my phone card. - Can I play?
- Come here. - Why?
I want to see if you've got what it takes. Give me your best poker face.
Too rich for my blood. You can take my seat.
SAFER: Med time!
How are you feeling today?
Better than yesterday, not as good as tomorrow.
(PIANO MUSIC PLAYING)
I've been humming to her.
She sways. Might be significant.
Are you ignoring me or are you just letting my charm wash over you?
LYDIA: Kind of tough to play and chat.
Couple of weeks ago,
you told me playing to her was a complete waste of time.
You're right. Your playing does get worse when you talk.
I assume she loved music.
She played for the Philadelphia Philharmonic. Cello.
If she responded to the piano, she might respond even better to the cello.
I play a little.
Hmm. Maybe I'll bring one in Tuesday. Thank you.
Different desk. Different doctor.
You've been on meds for a while now.
I'll be checking in with you periodically
to see if we need to adjust your dose.
Any dry mouth? Trouble sleeping?
No.
Can I go now? There's a manic out there
with a fresh carton of cigarettes and he's a terrible bluffer.
It's nice to see that you and Alvie are friends again.
- Tell me about your fight. - He hit me, I hit him back.
Repeat until pulpy.
Alvie told me you instigated the thing.
That tends to be the way fights work.
Different interpretations of the same circumstances.
Very understanding attitude.
- There's that tone again. - You're smart.
How come every time you compliment me, it sounds like an accusation?
You're not having any side-effects from your meds, which is unusual.
- It's not that unusual. - The fight isn't adding up.
Why don't you stop pretending that you haven't reached a conclusion?
You don't trust me. Actually, it's more fundamental than that.
- You don't like me. - I didn't say that.
You think I'm not taking my meds.
- Are you? - Yes.
So, what do you want me to do? Want me to take a urine test?
Will that earn your trust?
Actually, yeah.
- Have at it. - A little dignity, please.
You know the rules. I have to watch.
Yes, but you don't have to have courtside seats.
Can I at least use a stall?
(UNZIPPING PANTS)
For he himself has said it
And it's greatly to his credit
That he is an Englishman
He is
An Englishman
(FLUSHING)
Get it while it's hot.
I'm sorry I doubted you.
Freedom Master, think you could help me out?
You need help? Of course. That's what I do.
Great. Could you move the piano for me?
Five hundred pounds is not too much, is it?
Is there something trapped underneath or...
No, I just want to move it away from the window.
I'm sorry, my powers aren't for frivolous...
Just one quick lift.
- Why are you doing that? - House, it's none of your business.
I'm just curious, as a doctor. What are you doing?
Either he is Freedom Master and he shouldn't be here
or else he's suffering from a serious and dangerous delusion
that he needs to deal with.
So legit medical reasons.
You're not just trying to break the guy because he's a little different.
He's not different, he's delusional. Can you help me out?
- What is she looking at? - You're not a superhero, Steven.
- You're just a regular person. - I can save her.
We're all just regular people. It's what we do with that...
They stole her voice box. They have it in there.
That's what she's staring at. That's what she's staring at.
- She's always staring at... - Your wife is dead.
Good can defeat evil.
Not every time. Evil people killed a lot of good people that day.
You couldn't save her. No one could save her.
It's in there. Her voice is in there. Her voice is in there.
Code Gray.
Her voice is in...
(STEVE EXCLAIMING)
Her voice is in there! Her voice is in there!
(STEVE EXCLAIMING)
- Don't do it. - I'm not doing anything.
You're thinking.
Things go from thinking to doing way too fast in this place.
Keep thinking, you're gonna wind up with no mo in your mojo.
I'm thinking of hitting you again.
You hate Medina, you hate all of them, you want to hurt them.
You gotta keep pretending. Step away from the hate.
What's the difference between pretending to cooperate and cooperating?
Pretending is pretending. It's not real, you don't mean it.
I sat and watched while he did something stupid and pointless.
I cooperated.
In a few days, you won't have to watch because you're going home.
You'll be getting your job back.
SAFER: Everybody, inside.
Closing ceremonies, everyone attends. One of you is going home.
BEASLEY: It's been a great week.
A number of you have made tremendous strides.
But today we're here to congratulate Susan.
(ALL APPLAUD)
We are proud of her. We wish her well
- and we hope to... - ALL: Never see her again.
(ALL CHEER)
BEASLEY: Isn't it pretty?
- Where's Freedom Master? - He isn't able to take part.
Get out there. He said everybody has to get out there.
(HITTING BED WITH CANE) Talk. Say something.
Dr. House, leave him alone.
- Did you drug him? - Of course I didn't drug him.
He's in flat affect. He's practically catatonic.
- Hey, we got cake. - He's fine.
Double chocolate. Yummy, yummy.
Don't tell me that he's fine! You did this!
- He was functioning. He was happy. - He was delusional.
Yeah. He's way better off now.
NOLAN: Dr. House. Let's talk.
ALVIE: Thinking sucks.
I'm not allowed to get angry? They screwed him up.
And for the record, I am two privilege levels above Susan.
I got the same depression scale score.
Every patient is different. It's not about scores and levels and...
Happiness is happiness, the test is the test, coping is coping.
- And you think you're... - Absolutely!
I need to address some deeper issues, which I could do on an outpatient basis.
Three hours a week?
That's just my opening offer. If you want to counter, I'll likely fold.
- No. - "No" is not an argument.
- You trying to frustrate me? - No.
"No" again?
I can cope. I'm coping.
In fact, I'm coping better than you think.
I've not been taking my meds. Not one.
And yet I still scored a "high-functioning"
on your depression test.
So your proof of your well-being is that you lied?
Manipulated. My proof is that I can fool the test,
I can fool you, which means I am high-functioning.
I'm sane, rational, capable. I should not be here.
These are your pills from today?
I'm not gonna take it. I'll just cheek it again.
Lick it.
- You want me to lick your hand? - I washed.
It's sugar.
Your test results were improving too regularly and too quickly.
I was concerned that you weren't taking your pills,
that it was all an act. So I switched you to a placebo...
...to see if your improvements would continue.
Your psych tests told me nothing,
but your urine tests told me you were faking.
You need to stop fighting the system.
You need to let me do my job.
(DOOR CLOSING)
So, what's the next plan?
There is no new plan.
I'm out of plans.
- So, what do we do? - We stop talking.
I see you got some cello in your trunk.
No, it's not a euphemism.
Are you spying on me?
I'm living in a psychiatric hospital. Staring out of the window is what we do.
I assume you'll need help carrying it up.
I still got grounds privileges.
And who's going to carry you when you're carrying the cello?
Yes, cast aside the useless cripple. How very German of you.
Seriously. The thing weighs a ton with that case. I think I'll need a dolly.
Or we could ask Clark Kent to pitch in.
The dolly's probably easier.
The dolly already feels good about itself.
He was a happy-go-lucky superhero until they told him he has no powers.
You let him help out, he feels good about himself,
might be less depressed.
(SIGHS)
So, why do you put your life on hold
to visit your sister-in-law five times a week?
Am I somehow a bad person for showing compassion?
No. You're not even a bad person for lying about why you're doing it.
Oh, that is impressive. That is a superhuman feat.
(STEVE GRUNTING)
Why don't you take a rest before you fly that thing up to the ward?
He's still depressed. Give me your car keys.
You gonna dangle them in front of him to entertain him?
I'm gonna make him feel like he's flying.
I'll just drive him around the grounds, top down, wind in his hair.
Seriously? You're gonna say no to that?
(SIGHS)
Why are you so nice to me?
I think you have a good heart.
Would you still be nice to me if I told you that I lied?
I'm not just driving around the grounds in your convertible.
I'm kidnapping him and stealing your car.
You sure?
I was just starting to feel a little heat between us.
Thought we had kind of a Bonnie and Clyde thing going there.
Bonnie and Clyde get shot to pieces.
Hmm. See you.
(BLUES MUSIC PLAYING)
You can do this. And if you hold my hand, I can do it, too.
(MACHINE POWERING UP)
(LAUGHING)
(WHOOPING)
Don't let go!
Going UP!
(WHOOPS)
(LAUGHS)
(WHOOPS) Freedom Master's back!
Keep it down, Freedom Master, you're scaring the good citizens.
That was the coolest moment of my life.
It was fun. You can repay me by telling Nolan he's an idiot.
Smell that fresh air. And the warmth of your yellow sun.
We do enjoy it.
Careful of the traffic. Don't want to go damaging any fenders.
Hey! Hey! Come on. Get down.
There's no cry for help. There's no cat in a tree.
Thank you, Greg.
No!
NOLAN: He's lucky to be alive.
He's got a lacerated spleen, rotational pelvic fracture,
compound break of the femur and humerus.
Everything in your life has been about finding the truth,
but suddenly, with this guy, you decide to reinforce a sick man's delusions.
You just wanted to take a swing at me. Hmm?
You don't care about getting out, you don't care about him.
You don't even care about the truth.
(LAUGHS HUMORLESSLY)
You don't care about anything, House.
I'm transferring you to Winslow Psychiatric.
You'll have better luck pulling the wool over their eyes. I'm done.
Don't.
I need help.