This place was a great choice.
The food is amazing.
And such generous portions.
If you liked the meal just wait till you try these after-dinner mints.
You know, Doug, most guys are put off by my eye.
It's nice to finally meet someone who's open-minded.
Ew!
What was wrong with your date last night?
I don't know. Something I couldn't quite put my finger on.
Possibly his vile lizard tongue.
- You're too picky. - Yeah.
If you rule out every guy with a lizard tongue or a low I.Q.
or an explosive, violent temper of course you're gonna be lonely.
There's nothing wrong with having high standards.
- Now, can we please... - The female Leela's problem
is purely medical.
Soon she will drop her eggs and they will hatch
and all will be well.
You just have to give guys a chance.
Sometimes you meet a guy and think he's a pig
but then later on, you realize he actually has a really good body.
Thank you all for the inspiring advice.
But I'm perfectly happy with my life the way it is.
That sounds like a cry for help.
Let's all take her out tonight.
There's lots of great places to meet people.
- The Federal Sex Bureau. - A saucy puppet show.
The rotting carcass of a whale.
Mmm... I'll pick.
Oh, wow, it's totally retro.
Why's everyone wearing those rings?
Guh. Because nobody wears them anymore.
Rings are stupid.
I think they look cool.
Shh! don't let anyone hear you say that.
Hey, did that lad just say rings are cool?
- Nope. He said they're stupid. - Cool!
So what do you think of that guy by the bar?
I don't know. Maybe.
Forget it. He's gay.
What? How can you tell?
I just know these things.
I've got what they call "gaydar."
There's no such thing.
No?
Okay... I got a lock on him.
Yup. He's gay.
- Are you sure? - Definitely.
Unless I'm getting interference from a gay weather balloon.
You're from the 20th century?
That's incredible. I'm from the 21st century.
No way. We've got so much in common.
We sure do.
Remember when those cyborgs enslaved humanity?
Uh... Yeah.
That rings a bell.
This is Bolt Rollins.
Bolt is a hyper-sled racer with ten wins on the pro circuit.
Hello, beautiful.
I think she means ten wins on the gay circuit.
I wish.
Those cats can really fly.
This is M-5438, an entity of pure energy.
That's great. Really, but he's just not what I'm looking for.
I understand.
One day you will evolve beyond your physical body
and on that day I hope you will pick up the phone.
You're impossible.
It's just as well.
I think he comes from a dimension that's big on musical theater.
Psst. I need the apartment tonight.
Go see a saucy puppet show.
Can do!
My, my, my, what's a beautiful lady like you...
Oh! Wha... Wah!
I'm sorry, I thought you had two eyes.
So, Leela,
you must've had your pick of the litter last night at closing time.
Could you guys please stop talking about my personal life?
Yes. Let's all talk about Leela's personal life later.
But right now, we have business to attend to.
- A delivery? - No.
A tax-deductible mission of charity.
This is Vergon 6.
- This is Vergon 6. - Buh.
It's a sunny little doomed planet
inhabited by a number of frisky little doomed animals.
- Animals? - That's right.
Animals in desperate need of rescue.
You see, Vergon 6 was once filled
with the super-dense substance known as dark matter
each pound of which weighs over 10,000 pounds.
Wait. What about the animals?
Well, dark matter is extremely valuable as starship fuel.
That's why it was all mined out leaving the planet completely hollow.
Yes, but what about the animals?
- The what? - The animals.
I didn't say anything about animals.
Now, it seems the planet will collapse within three days.
Incidentally this will kill all the animals.
So we have to bring back two of each kind...
- Just like Noah's ark. - Why two?
Oh.
I bet you, Leela's holding out for a nice guy with one eye.
That'll take forever.
What she ought to do
is find a nice guy with two eyes and poke one out.
Yeah. That'd be a time-saver.
Do you mind?
Here you go. You can use this as an eye poker.
Thank you, but I don't care how many eyes a man has.
As long as it's less than five.
All I'm looking for is a guy who's adventurous, self-confident,
maybe a snappy dresser.
These new uniforms are pretty snappy, eh, first officer?
I suppose, Captain.
I'm not as big a fan of velour as you are.
Now, what do you want to do about that unidentified ship?
Destroy them.
Mmm...
That's got a nice feel to it.
Captain's journal. Stardate 3000.3.
Who are you talking to, sir?
You. Aren't you getting this?
We've detected a vessel attempting to break the security cordon
around Vergon 6.
I'm anticipating an all-out tactical dogfight
followed by a light dinner.
Ravioli, ham, sundae bar.
Hey, look.
That's Zapp Brannigan's ship.
Wow. The Zapp Brannigan?
Uh-huh.
Who's the Zapp Brannigan?
Shall I fire on them now, sir?
Not yet, Kif.
In the game of chess you can never let your adversary see your pieces.
What?
They say Zapp Brannigan single-handedly saved
the Octillian system from a horde of rampaging killbots.
- Wow. - A grim day for robotkind.
But we can always build more killbots.
He's the most decorated captain in the whole Democratic Order of Planets.
Leela's got a boyfriend.
No, I don't, but I think we ought to meet with him
and see if he'll help us rescue those animals.
Well, just in case you guys hit it off you'll want to take this with you.
Sir, they're headed straight for us.
A well-calculated move.
Straight out of Sun Tzu's classic text,
The Art of War.
Or my own masterwork,
Zapp Brannigan's Big Book of War.
But the one thing their captain doesn't realize
and never will is...
Sir, they've docked with us and have come aboard.
Then I've risked all and lost.
Kif, old man, I'll be in the escape pod.
If that wicker chair I like survives the slaughter
have it sent to my P.O. box.
Hello, I'm Leela,
Captain of the Planet Express delivery ship.
We've come aboard to plead for your assistance.
- Well, if there's anything... - I'm in command here.
Zapp Brannigan.
Has my fame preceded me, or was I too quick for it?
Oh, not at all.
I'm just so, uh...
Really thrilled to meet you.
You're an impressive piece of captain.
Beautiful and deadly.
A potent combination.
- You don't mean that. - But I do.
I doubt I've seen more than three or four captains
sexier than you, and only one who was deadlier.
I heard one time, you single-handedly defeated
a horde of rampaging somethings in the something something system.
The killbots? A trifle.
It was simply a matter of outsmarting them.
Wow, I never would have thought of that.
You see, killbots have a preset kill limit.
Knowing their weakness
I sent wave after wave of my own men at them
until they reached their limit and shut down.
Kif, show them the medal I won.
More, please.
A little more.
More.
Keep going.
Captain Brannigan, we really need to talk to you about our mission.
Whatever it is, I'm willing to put
wave after wave of men at your disposal.
Right, men?
You suck!
We're hoping to save the animals of Vergon 6 from extinction.
- And if you could just... - Vergon 6?
This light dinner is over.
Wait. What's wrong?
The Democratic Order of Planets prohibits
interfering with undeveloped worlds.
It's a little rule known as "Brannigan's Law."
But people already interfered.
That planet was mined completely hollow.
Yes, by a Democratic Order of Planets mining crew.
Oh. This doesn't make any sense.
I don't pretend to understand Brannigan's Law.
I merely enforce it.
Fine. We'll save the animals without your help.
I'm afraid I can't allow that.
Guards!
Wha... What just happened?
He's throwing us in prison.
Ah, dang.
Can I get this wrapped up?
Ow!
I might have liked Zapp Brannigan if he weren't a pompous dimwit
who threw me in prison.
You really are too picky.
Kif, follow me up to the observation deck.
I've got some musing to do.
Oh, geez.
I'm facing a formidable female adversary, Kif.
- Suggestions? - I fail to see any problem, sir.
You already imprisoned her under directive B10.81.
You mean Brannigan's Law?
Right. That law.
Which one?
Brannigan's Law.
Kif, you're my best and most loyal friend
but you've earned my contempt once again.
As my protégé, you should know
that the only way to deal with a female adversary
is to seduce her.
Oh.
This time we are sure she's a woman, right?
Yes.
Good. Invite her to my quarters.
Oh, and have the boy lay out my formal shorts.
The boy, sir?
You. You lay out my formal shorts.
The jackass wants to see you in his quarters.
Good. This will be my chance to reason with him captain to captain.
And he wants you to wear this.
Come and get it.
Mmm. Welcome to my humble chamber
or as I call it The Love-Nasium.
Cham-pag-en?
I didn't realize you were such a coin-a-sewer.
Well, I have studied abroad...
Or two.
- Captain... - Uh-huh?
If we could speak seriously for a moment.
- Uh-huh. - I'd like you to reconsider
letting us rescue those animals.
Mm-hmm.
I like your style.
I find it very...
erotic.
- What? - Erotic!
Erotic! Erotic! Erotic!
We can definitely escape, Bender.
All you have to do is bend the hatch off this steam pipe.
Hey, yeah.
No good. It's full of steam.
You look like a woman who enjoys the finer things.
Come over here and feel my velour bedspread.
I'm not really in the mood.
Leela, it's real velour.
Just let yourself go.
Can I please just go back to prison?
You'd rather sit in prison than spend one evening with the Zapper?
Much rather.
What are you doing?
Oh, God, I'm pathetic.
Sorry.
Just go.
You want the rest of the cham-pag-en?
No. And it's pronounced "champagne."
Oh, God, no!
It's not a big deal.
I get so lonely.
I just thought you, a fellow captain, would understand.
Aw, forget it.
Yeah, it's great ordering people around and stuff
but through it all, you're completely alone.
It comes with the job.
I'm just so lonely!
Oh, come on. Cheer up.
It's not that bad.
You want to try escaping again?
Nah, I'm comfy.
Man, Leela's been gone a long time.
I hope she's at least making progress with Zapp Brannigan.
Good morning, lover.
Uh... Listen, Zapp...
Now you're officially my woman.
Kudos. I can't say I don't envy you.
Zapp, last night was a mistake.
A sexy mistake.
No, just a regular mistake.
For a split second my common sense was overwhelmed by pity.
A split second is all it takes.
That's why sooner or later you'll come crawling back to the Zapper.
The only kind of crawling I'm doing to you is away...
from.
Leela, you're obviously confused and aroused.
Look, I'm going down to Vergon 6
to save those animals whether you like it or not.
Go ahead. I won't stop you.
Threaten all you... Wait. What?
We both know you won't make it halfway to Vergon 6
before the craving sets in.
Then you'll come crawling back
for another taste of sweet, sweet candy.
Bam.
Ugh.
Kif.
Yes... Ugh.
Yes, Captain?
I have made it with a woman.
Inform the men.
The fatso says you're free to go.
Really? Why?
Why indeed?
- What does that mean? - Nothing.
So, should we get our stuff and head down to the planet?
We just talked, okay?
All right, we don't have much time to collect these animals.
The planet is supposed to collapse in approximately...
Two hours ago.
Looking for a snake. Looking for a snake.
Hello there.
Hmm, he doesn't seem to be on the checklist.
So you're saying we can cook him?
Yeah, barbecue.
I'll wear my hilarious apron.
No. I don't care how hilarious your apron is.
We're not cooking him.
Aw.
I'll call him Nibbler.
Aw.
I'll fire up the grill.
I hope he'll be okay in there with all those big animals.
Hmm.
You know, Kif, once my woman returns I won't have much time
to hang out with the boys anymore.
That's a shame, sir.
So let's make the most of our time together, shall we?
Never mind.
Just give me a back rub.
I found a pair of "hermaphlamingos."
Good. That's the last species.
Huh?
Hey, what the...
Where'd they all go?
Nibbler!
I can't believe we flew halfway across the galaxy and enjoyed a steam
just to get lunch for that stupid animal.
He's pending for a bending.
Leave him alone.
It's not his fault that he's an unstoppable killing machine.
Is it, snuggums?
The planet's "kerploding."
Prepare for liftoff.
We're out of fuel.
Bender, I told you to fill the tank before we left.
Yeah, I'll do it when we get back.
Man, lucky for us Zapp Brannigan's nearby.
No way. Forget it.
I refuse to go crawling back to him.
What? What are you talking about?
Nothing. We just talked.
So what's your problem?
It's not like you slept with him.
Oh, my God!
Oh, how could you, Leela?
I thought you had some standards.
I mean, geez, he's a dumb gross gorilla.
That's enough.
Don't you think I feel bad enough already?
No.
All right, all right, I'll call him.
I mean, if living is that important to you.
And that's why you'll never make captain, Kif.
Hmm.
Hello, Zapp?
Well, well, well.
Zapp, we're out of fuel.
And Vergon 6 is about to implode.
We need your help.
So crawling back to the Big Z like a bird on its belly.
Delicious.
Birds don't crawl.
They've been known to.
Look, are you going to rescue us or not?
Can't you ask a little more sexfully?
Please...
Big Z.
Certainly.
But first you'll have to get rid of that thing.
That's the law, Leela.
And Brannigan's Law is like Brannigan's love,
Hard and fast.
Now put that greasy rat outside and we'll tow you to safety.
I would never abandon a helpless animal.
You know, Zapp, once I thought you were a big, pompous buffoon.
Then I realized that inside, you were just a pitiful child.
But now I realize that outside that child is a big, pompous buffoon.
And which one rocked your world?
Wow, way to tell that guy off.
Now what's your secret escape plan?
Uh... I guess to sit here and wait for death.
Can do.
What the hell was that?
- Phew! - I don't believe it.
It's dark matter.
So this guy just unloaded a steaming pile of starship fuel?
His species must have filled the entire planet with it.
Did you do that, you cute little...
Come on. That should be more than enough fuel
to get us out of here.
Bender, pick it up and put it in the engine.
We made it!
And some of the animals survived.
So a couple of animals didn't die, and Leela got lucky.
That's what I call a successful mission.
We're heroes!
Dear Captain's diary,
I may not have found loveon this mission
but I did find a cute little companion
who excretes starship fuel, and that's just as good.
Captain's journal. Stardate, uh...
Oh! April 13.
April 13, point two.
We have failed to uphold Brannigan's Law.
However, I did make it with a hot alien babe.
And in the end, is that not what man has dreamt of
since first he looked up at the stars?
Kif, I'm asking you a question.