Okay, you can hear me? Okay.
Good morning. I'm here to kick off the first day of a new tradition
at our school called Green Week.
What?
First, we give a month to black history, now seven days on the Irish.
All this week, Greendale College is becoming so Earth-smart
that we're changing our name to Envirodale.
But we were already called Greendale.
Yeah. Yeah.
Well, there's also going to be a free rock 'n' roll concert
by a certain band called Green Day.
That make you happy?
No, not really.
We need to re-do these.
We printed 5000.
Well, print 5000 more. I'm trying to save a planet here.
Pencils down.
Annie.
I wasn't...
I want you all to write a one-page essay, in español
entitled, "Annie's Mistake."
Why doesn't Annie have to write it?
Okay, two pages, entitled:
"The Consequences of Questioning Authority."
This is Spanish. I know how to say "hello," "tomorrow"
and tables are female. That's the only Spanish you taught us.
Oh! Six pages on ignorance.
Guys, put your hands down.
Señor Chang, please continue. We respect your authority.
Thank you, Britta. Twenty pages on ass kissing.
Due on Monday.
This Monday?
If Señor Chang gets any crazier, he's gonna win the Grammy award.
I've already reported him to the dean.
He said they've been trying to fire him for years but nobody wants his job.
I can't write a 20-page paper. I got a presentation in Marketing.
And public speaking gives me the nervous sweats.
I can help you with that. I accept.
That's how messed up things are.
Well, we're screwed too.
We're three days behind on a Biology lab.
Troy's afraid of...
I'm not afraid, Abed.
I choose not to be around rats because they are unpopular.
Same goes for centipedes and lakes. There's only one solution.
Someone has to go to Chang and talk to him.
I vote we all look at Jeff at the same time.
In a way, all of you are right.
What was I tuning out?
You have to get Chang to call off this homework.
You're the one with the silver tongue. Yeah, go tongue Chang.
What makes you think I could convince Chang
if I can't even convince you not to make me do it?
Jeff does raise a good point.
Wait. You are convincing.
You could do it. Yeah.
You want me to risk the C that I'm pulling in that psycho's class
by putting myself on his radar?
I mean, that guy goes any more nuts, he's gonna win a Grammy.
You are hilarious. That's very funny.
What is it, the chair?
How do you gonna keep pulling a C in that psycho's class
if he keeps assigning this much work?
Because I have you guys.
Well, guess what, handsome hobo?
Your gravy train's leaving the station.
Ignore what she's doing. We are serious.
Fine, I'll do it.
But when you find my body, don't believe the suicide note.
This better not awaken anything in me.
Green Day is here.
Wow.
Okay, what's this about now?
We're Greene Daeye.
Thank you. Oh.
What do you want, Winger?
You complaining about the homework on behalf of the class?
Can I ask you a personal question, Señor Chang?
Okay, Freud.
Sure, you try to penetrate my psychological armor and you...
Did your wife leave you? Holy...
How'd you know?
Well, when you pick juries, you learn to read the little stuff.
Same shirt twice in one week.
Teaching us the word esposa means "liar."
A picture of you with a woman with a Post-it note dialogue balloon
above her head that says, "Enjoy it while it lasts."
We met at a salsa club.
And, um, she loved the way I danced.
But, I mean, you know how it goes. You get a job...
You stop salsa dancing. Of course I know.
You make no mistake about this, Winger.
I pleasured that woman greatly.
Yeah. You look like you would have to. I'm not surprised you said that.
I like you, Winger.
Pickled bull testicle?
Are you offering or collecting?
Troy, sing.
The assignment is to train a rat to a song.
Yeah. Did you have to pick a duet? Hm?
He did it. Good boy, Fievel. Commencing reward.
I have to open the cage.
Yeah, you don't have to warn me, I'm not afraid.
Fievel.
Everybody shut up.
I'll kick all your asses, but you all have to come up here.
Dude, you are gonna be fine. You just have to move on.
And if you hang out with me sometime,
you will see how great single life can be.
Yeah? Yeah.
What about tonight?
Absolutely.
Oh, shoot.
My Spanish study group has to get together every night now.
You have been really letting us have it with this homework.
I really have, haven't I? Yeah.
Tell you what. For my new buddy, Jeff, essay cancelled. Shh-clacky.
Fantastic. That is fantastic. Everybody will be so happy.
Oh-oh-oh. I didn't say everybody. It's for my new friend Jeff.
I mean, you're the one coming out with me, right?
Right. Yeah.
I suppose that will put you in an unenviable, uncomfortable position.
Here's your jacket. Let's do this. Awesome, great.
Is there a rat in here?
I have no idea what you're talking about.
Abed. El Tigre.
Well, did you talk to Chang? Yeah, but it didn't do any good.
My still head hurts from the yelling.
My pupils are more sensitive to light because he yelled at me so much.
Oh, well, now I feel bad that we made you do that.
Maybe we can help with your essay. Oh, that's okay.
I'm working on mine by myself.
You could do my homework next time.
See you in class.
He's hiding something.
Britta, Jeff suffered for us. Give him a little credit.
Yeah. You can be pretty cold.
Troy? Damn.
Here comes Abed. He needs my help. I gotta get out of here.
Troy?
You guys seen a rat? Troy knocked over Fievel's cage and he escaped.
Oh, Abed, I'm sorry.
He probably found more rats and is very happy living with them.
Try to join the rest of us in reality, Britta.
I believe that, uh, fusing brownies with the, uh, Internet
is going to create the next Napster for brownies.
Yawn!
Can't I just write it on cards?
No.
Do you know anybody who reads from cards?
No. No, you don't, and that's why.
Also, you might consider a darker top.
Note taken.
Oh, and don't lock your knees. Never lock your knees.
You know what happens when you lock your knees? You die.
Second, when you wanna drive home a point, hand them a sandwich.
Try it. Hand them a sandwich. See?
Hand them a sandwich. Yeah.
Except that you're... You just dropped the sandwich
as opposed to handing it to them. Handing the palm.
Yeah. Try attention-grabbing words to wake up the audience, such as:
Multiple orgasm.
Oh, no, no. I don't think that would fit into my message.
Maybe we should focus more on... Whatever.
Yeah, and about these filler words of yours.
I mean, nobody wants to buy brownies
from somebody that says "um" and "like."
I have a method for fixing that. From the top.
Okay.
These brownies are, uh... Uh!
They, um... Um!
These brownies are delicious.
They taste like... Like.
That's not a filler word. Whatever, valley girl.
The difference between usted and tu is a matter of formality.
You are old.
You are ugly.
No, you're not. Thanks, sir.
Shakira.
What's up?
You are dirty. Dude.
Still formal but plural
because while both are dirty, neither are my friends.
Okay?
And on another subject, hope you guys are working hard on your essays.
That's gonna be 30 percent of your grade.
Oh, no.
Jeff already turned in his essay.
Great job. Thanks.
As soon as you turn in your essays on Monday,
there's gonna be a big-ass quiz, so study hard.
Class dismissed.
Dude. Dude.
Crazy night last night, man. That was crazy.
When you go out with me, it gets crazy.
That's the Winger guarantee.
Dude, let's do it again.
Yeah, I want to, it's just the quiz, you know?
Study, study.
Well, how about this:
Bling. A-plus. Nice work, Winger.
I knew I could do it if I applied myself.
Cherry daiquiri. Cherry daiquiri.
Later. You devious clump
of overpriced fabric and hair product.
Speaking as one of the meek, soon as I inherit the Earth, you dead.
You got a weird forehead. We're all very disappointed.
All right, dial it back a little, Britta.
If anyone should be disappointed, it's me.
What kind of a group threatens to kick someone out unless he helps them?
What kind of a person is asked to help other people and then helps himself?
Helps himself?
I don't like being talked to that way.
He's using fake outrage to justify leaving.
Fake outrage? Justify my...?
Yeah, that's it, I'm out of here.
Are you breaking up with the group? That's what you guys want.
I've been divorced seven times.
Don't answer your phones and bury all your money in the backyard.
Here you go. Look at Pierce's paragraph from unit two.
Let's see, "I took a computer class at
tienda de manzana," the Apple Store.
Adorable. Keep going.
"And the saleswoman had manzanas gigantes. " Ruined it.
Imagine being married to him? Seven times.
Seven different women agreed to marry that guy.
It's crazy.
I'm so alone.
I'm so lonely I wanna die.
Come on, man. It... Come on. Don't do that.
I just miss her so much. Yeah.
I'm sorry. This is so stupid. No, no, no, it's fine, it's just...
Buddy, you know... I'm dumb.
I can see that you're hurting but I have to get to Accounting.
It's not like I'm hitting strip clubs with Professor Whitman.
You better not be. What?
All I ask is for you to keep filling the void in my soul.
I'll have to think of something.
Let me rest gently on your pecs.
Best closer to a presentation, a Nicholson quote.
You take a phrase from one of his films and you tailor it to your product.
You can't handle a moist towelette. Something like that, you know.
But you can't use that one. That's mine.
Thanks, Pierce.
I'm gonna write it on some cards. Okay.
Just don't let anybody know I was involved.
Why do you care so much?
I don't.
Because Fievel's going to die. I'd rather die than listen.
Who's going to die? Yeah.
The exterminator is coming because of our rat.
I'd like to exterminate this conversation.
What are you doing?
He's sitting in Jeff's chair so he's trying to act like Jeff.
Oh! Oh.
E-mail.
I thought you might wanna help me. We are friends.
Abed, take it from a former prom king.
Real friends help me with things, not vice versa.
I would face my fears to help you.
Exactly. Because you're my friend.
Am I?
Abed.
If he gets any nuttier, they're gonna put him on The View.
That works. Yeah.
What are we gonna do? We're gonna study. Ah!
Fievel?
Fievel. Fievel?
Fievel.
Okay, thank you.
Green Week was a rousing success here at Greendale.
And now for our band, Greene Daeye. They're not the real Green Day.
Thought we should just rip that Band-Aid off quickly. Okay.
Hey. What's up?
Just got your text, man. Wanna hang out?
Because if you don't, I will fail you.
Actually, I had an idea for an extra-credit project.
We've been asked to dedicate our first song
to "Señor and Señora Chang."
She said she didn't wanna talk to me.
I didn't tell her you wanted to talk.
"The estimation of market value of brownies has..."
"I, uh... Target group..."
Ms. Bennett, I'm afraid I have to ask you to put down the cards.
Uh... l... Uh...
They are wonderful.
We all love brownies. They're delicious.
If you love brownies, you love life.
Orgasmically delicious.
Here's Brownie.
God, he's on my leg!
He's on my leg!
Disgusting.
Thank you.
What's Chang doing?
He's getting a refill on his void.
I got an A on my presentation and a lot of the credit goes to Pierce.
And I had a great sandwich.
We found the stupid rat and Abed's gonna shut up about it.
It's true.
I have something to say.
I've been a horrible husband and I've been a horrible teacher.
And I'd like to thank my student, Jeff Winger, for showing me that
and helping me fix my marriage.
No more 20-page essays due on Monday.
Oh, that's nice. Thank you.
Although, Winger, you should write a one-page essay called:
"Taking Advantage of the Emotionally Vulnerable."
Boo-yah.
You did that for us?
Mm. Kind of.
I thought hanging out with you guys was the worst way to pass Spanish.
I was wrong. Well, we're the best.
Jeff, I'm sorry I called you a handsome hobo.
If you need help with that essay, you can rejoin the group.
Thanks.
What are you guys talking to me for? You go dance.
I know your secret. I know about the chair.
Whoa. What model did you get?
It's the Tsunami 3000 Anniversary Edition. You?
The Devil's Drench XJ11. This is gonna be awesome.
Establish base camps. What part of the library do you want?
North east is closest to the drinking fountain, which is the...
All right, guys, are we gonna do this thing?
Pierce, I hope that's the tiny gun that you throw at us to confuse us
while you grab the giant gun taped to your back.
Seriously, this hardly seems like a fair fight. Ah!
Oh, it's pepper water. Oh, it's pep...
Who puts pepper in water?