1
00:00:06,924 --> 00:00:08,967
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

2
00:01:20,372 --> 00:01:22,833
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

3
00:01:26,920 --> 00:01:28,005
(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)

4
00:01:31,842 --> 00:01:34,428
MAN: We've waited
weeks for reservations.

5
00:01:42,936 --> 00:01:45,981
- Name?
- King, party of one.

6
00:01:46,398 --> 00:01:50,694
King, King. No, I'm sorry,
I don't show that reservation.

7
00:01:50,986 --> 00:01:54,489
Oh, yeah? Well,
let me show you something, fruitcake.

8
00:01:56,325 --> 00:01:57,534
Ahh!

9
00:02:00,787 --> 00:02:02,289
Hands up, chowhounds.

10
00:02:02,623 --> 00:02:08,712
Drop your forks and prepare to cower
before the uncanny Condiment King.

11
00:02:08,795 --> 00:02:11,465
- Who is that?
- Some kind of nutcase.

12
00:02:11,548 --> 00:02:14,593
- Just ignore him.
- MAN: Someone will call security.

13
00:02:15,052 --> 00:02:20,682
Hey. Hey! I don't believe this!
I say cower, and you're still eating?

14
00:02:21,099 --> 00:02:22,893
Well, all right then.

15
00:02:23,393 --> 00:02:25,103
(PEOPLE SCREAMING)

16
00:02:28,815 --> 00:02:29,983
(LAUGHING MAN IACALLY)

17
00:02:30,067 --> 00:02:32,319
Now, see here, you.

18
00:02:32,486 --> 00:02:34,321
(PANICKED CHATTER)

19
00:02:37,783 --> 00:02:39,201
(couemue)

20
00:02:39,284 --> 00:02:40,535
Hot sauce.

21
00:02:41,912 --> 00:02:43,955
Anyone else want to be a hero?

22
00:02:44,164 --> 00:02:46,333
Then take out your
wallets, cash and jewels

23
00:02:46,500 --> 00:02:49,086
and toss them here on the table.
Come on. Right now.

24
00:02:52,547 --> 00:02:55,109
<i>DISPATCH: Disturbance reported at
the top of the Crown restaurant.</i>

25
00:02:55,133 --> 00:02:59,012
<i>Suspect is a male, costumed extremist
armed with what appears to be</i>

26
00:02:59,221 --> 00:03:00,263
<i>a ketchup gun.</i>

27
00:03:00,514 --> 00:03:03,016
It's gonna be one
of those nights.

28
00:03:05,102 --> 00:03:06,144
(TIRES SCREECHING)

29
00:03:08,605 --> 00:03:13,694
So long, suckers.
Parting is such sweet-and-sour sorrow.

30
00:03:14,361 --> 00:03:16,822
(LAUGHING MAN IACALLY)

31
00:03:17,489 --> 00:03:19,032
(YELP$)

32
00:03:22,244 --> 00:03:23,412
What's this?

33
00:03:23,870 --> 00:03:26,998
Ah! The big, bad Bat-guy.

34
00:03:27,499 --> 00:03:31,378
I knew you'd catch up to me sooner or
later. How I've relished this meeting.

35
00:03:31,962 --> 00:03:37,676
You, the dynamic Dark Knight, versus
me, the conceptual Condiment King.

36
00:03:38,051 --> 00:03:39,094
Come, Batman.

37
00:03:39,553 --> 00:03:42,889
Let's see if you
can cut the mustard-

38
00:03:42,973 --> 00:03:44,099
- Quiet.
- (GROANS)

39
00:03:44,766 --> 00:03:46,059
(BREATHING HEAVILY)

40
00:03:46,268 --> 00:03:49,354
- You hit me.
- Now, listen, Mustard Man,

41
00:03:49,604 --> 00:03:51,273
or whatever you call yourself.

42
00:03:51,815 --> 00:03:55,193
You're obviously new at this,
so I'm willing to go easy on you.

43
00:03:55,402 --> 00:03:58,864
Provided you give back the loot and
never even think about doing this again.

44
00:03:59,114 --> 00:04:00,157
Deal?

45
00:04:01,283 --> 00:04:04,161
- Horseradish!
- This is your last warning.

46
00:04:04,411 --> 00:04:06,747
Let's go, Batso. You and me.

47
00:04:07,164 --> 00:04:10,125
I'm the prince of
pickles, sultan of sauce.

48
00:04:10,959 --> 00:04:13,336
You don't stand a chance.
You hear me?

49
00:04:14,129 --> 00:04:15,756
Later, chump.

50
00:04:16,089 --> 00:04:17,883
(SCREAMING)

51
00:04:20,260 --> 00:04:21,470
Hang on.

52
00:04:23,138 --> 00:04:25,557
(SCREAMING)

53
00:04:26,266 --> 00:04:27,684
- (THUDS)
- (TIRES SCREECH)

54
00:04:33,398 --> 00:04:34,858
Harvey, call an ambulance.

55
00:04:35,984 --> 00:04:37,569
I know this man.

56
00:04:38,111 --> 00:04:40,697
He's that TV comic,
Buddy Standler.

57
00:04:42,407 --> 00:04:44,075
<i>SUMMER: Still no
clues in the mystery</i>

58
00:04:44,159 --> 00:04:45,827
<i>behind comedian Buddy Standler's</i>

59
00:04:45,911 --> 00:04:47,829
<i>one-man crime spree last night.</i>

60
00:04:48,079 --> 00:04:52,042
<i>A rampage that ended with a trip to
the hospital for the famed TV comic.</i>

61
00:04:52,292 --> 00:04:55,420
<i>Though Standler himself is unable
to account for his actions,</i>

62
00:04:55,587 --> 00:04:57,923
<i>his manager had
these observations.</i>

63
00:04:58,173 --> 00:05:02,511
<i>I don't get it. Buddy's just
thrown his entire career away.</i>

64
00:05:02,719 --> 00:05:04,888
<i>The network's canceling his show</i>

65
00:05:05,055 --> 00:05:07,682
<i>and the restaurant's suing
him for a million dollars.</i>

66
00:05:07,891 --> 00:05:10,602
Why'd he do it?
It just doesn't make sense.

67
00:05:10,811 --> 00:05:14,523
That's too bad. I watch Standler's
show all the time. He's great.

68
00:05:14,731 --> 00:05:17,484
Any idea what would have caused
him to go off the deep end?

69
00:05:17,859 --> 00:05:20,362
No, but talk about bad timing.

70
00:05:20,779 --> 00:05:22,405
He was supposed to
be one of the judges

71
00:05:22,489 --> 00:05:24,574
for the annual laugh-off
competition tonight.

72
00:05:24,950 --> 00:05:26,701
Alfred and I bought tickets.

73
00:05:27,285 --> 00:05:29,287
<i>By the way, where is Alfred?</i>

74
00:05:38,880 --> 00:05:42,217
- One side, mac.
- I beg your pardon.

75
00:05:47,681 --> 00:05:50,141
- (GASPS)
- Ooh. Pretty. I want it.

76
00:05:51,852 --> 00:05:54,980
- Hey, you can't do that.
- Sure I can, lady.

77
00:05:55,188 --> 00:05:57,190
I'm the Pack Rat,

78
00:05:57,440 --> 00:06:00,694
- and your trash is my treasure.
- Hey!

79
00:06:03,864 --> 00:06:04,948
Mmm. Shiny.

80
00:06:06,324 --> 00:06:07,367
Security!

81
00:06:12,289 --> 00:06:13,915
Oh, no, you don't.

82
00:06:16,710 --> 00:06:17,711
(PEOPLE SCREAMING)

83
00:06:26,803 --> 00:06:29,014
Whoa, dibs on the dummy hand.

84
00:06:30,765 --> 00:06:32,017
Good heavens.

85
00:06:39,774 --> 00:06:42,110
I've been looking
everyplace for one of these.

86
00:06:53,163 --> 00:06:54,664
- Yes?
- ALFRED: Master Bruce?

87
00:06:54,748 --> 00:06:55,874
Alfred?

88
00:06:55,957 --> 00:06:58,251
I think you're needed at
Mayfield's right away, sir.

89
00:06:58,335 --> 00:07:00,253
There's a man with
a gun running amok.

90
00:07:00,420 --> 00:07:01,504
- He's- - (GUN COCKING)

91
00:07:01,671 --> 00:07:05,759
<i>Award of advice, mac.
Never rat on a rat.</i>

92
00:07:15,060 --> 00:07:16,186
BATMAN: Alfred?

93
00:07:19,773 --> 00:07:21,358
- (GUNFIRE)
- Alfred!

94
00:07:35,038 --> 00:07:37,540
<i>You'll get oatmeal and like it.</i>

95
00:07:38,041 --> 00:07:42,545
Listen, Eddie, if they expect me to
judge that stupid laugh-off again,

96
00:07:42,629 --> 00:07:44,756
they'd better be
prepared to pay.

97
00:07:44,839 --> 00:07:45,882
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

98
00:07:45,966 --> 00:07:48,969
Hold on,
I got somebody at the door.

99
00:07:54,724 --> 00:07:56,643
- Yeah?
- MAN: Pizza delivery.

100
00:07:56,851 --> 00:07:58,728
I didn't order any pizza.

101
00:07:58,812 --> 00:08:00,230
(SNIFFING)

102
00:08:00,605 --> 00:08:04,609
- But I'll take it. How much?
- It's on me.

103
00:08:05,110 --> 00:08:06,903
LISA: Hey! (COUGHING)

104
00:08:08,029 --> 00:08:10,115
(SIRENS WAILING)

105
00:08:16,246 --> 00:08:18,248
Okay, everybody,
empty your pockets.

106
00:08:18,498 --> 00:08:19,624
(ALL GASP)

107
00:08:19,708 --> 00:08:22,919
I want gum wrappers, loose string,
those little balls of lint.

108
00:08:24,963 --> 00:08:26,631
None of that cash stuff.

109
00:08:27,215 --> 00:08:28,466
Hey!

110
00:08:29,551 --> 00:08:31,052
What?

111
00:08:32,137 --> 00:08:35,724
So it's the rat versus
the bat and the brat.

112
00:08:36,016 --> 00:08:39,978
Only one will survive,
and that's gonna be me.

113
00:08:40,061 --> 00:08:41,396
Everybody, clear out.

114
00:08:45,608 --> 00:08:47,110
(ULULATING)

115
00:08:52,866 --> 00:08:54,200
(YELP$)

116
00:09:10,091 --> 00:09:11,593
Come on out.

117
00:09:15,096 --> 00:09:16,347
(GASPS)

118
00:09:16,431 --> 00:09:17,849
Mmm, mmm, mmm.

119
00:09:18,516 --> 00:09:19,976
(SCREAMS)

120
00:09:30,278 --> 00:09:32,197
(YELLING)

121
00:09:38,286 --> 00:09:40,371
(SCREAMING)

122
00:09:52,008 --> 00:09:53,259
ROBIN: It's Harry Loomis.

123
00:09:53,551 --> 00:09:55,053
Another famous comedian.

124
00:09:55,303 --> 00:09:56,429
Look at his neck.

125
00:10:04,687 --> 00:10:05,980
ROBIN: A microchip?

126
00:10:07,107 --> 00:10:08,483
Mind control.

127
00:10:09,192 --> 00:10:12,946
This is beginning to point toward
our old friend, the Mad Hatter.

128
00:10:26,167 --> 00:10:29,045
Wake up, Jervis.
We have to talk.

129
00:10:30,839 --> 00:10:32,715
Come on, rise and shine.

130
00:10:40,014 --> 00:10:41,766
Wow, he's really out.

131
00:11:07,083 --> 00:11:08,209
Here's what we know.

132
00:11:09,460 --> 00:11:13,381
Someone implants the Mad Hatter with
one of his own mind-control devices,

133
00:11:13,631 --> 00:11:15,800
then does the same
thing to two comedians.

134
00:11:15,967 --> 00:11:17,218
But what's the connection?

135
00:11:17,468 --> 00:11:19,721
Looks like it's three
comedians now, sir.

136
00:11:21,931 --> 00:11:24,392
"TV personality Lisa
Lorraine was abducted"

137
00:11:24,475 --> 00:11:26,311
"from her apartment
early this evening."

138
00:11:26,519 --> 00:11:30,398
And here's our common link.
This comedy competition.

139
00:11:30,648 --> 00:11:33,401
ROBIN: Sure.
Buddy, Harry and Lisa judge it every year.

140
00:11:33,860 --> 00:11:35,445
Remember, we taped the last one.

141
00:11:35,904 --> 00:11:37,113
Right here, Master Dick.

142
00:11:37,197 --> 00:11:39,115
And I've cued it to
something you should see.

143
00:11:45,413 --> 00:11:47,207
<i>Well,
that's it for our contestants.</i>

144
00:11:47,290 --> 00:11:50,543
<i>Now our panel of distinguished
judges will choose</i>

145
00:11:50,627 --> 00:11:53,671
<i>the funniest person in Gotham.</i>

146
00:12:01,304 --> 00:12:05,391
<i>Not so fast, chuckles.
You haven't introduced me yet.</i>

147
00:12:05,600 --> 00:12:07,644
<i>Smiling Shecky Rimshot.</i>

148
00:12:07,727 --> 00:12:09,229
<i>Ba-dum-boom.</i>

149
00:12:11,564 --> 00:12:12,857
<i>Come on, already.</i>

150
00:12:14,776 --> 00:12:16,527
<i>Good evening, ladies and germs.</i>

151
00:12:16,778 --> 00:12:19,739
<i>Hey, did you hear about the guy
walked into a doctor's office</i>

152
00:12:19,822 --> 00:12:21,991
<i>with a frog on his head?
Doctor says,</i>

153
00:12:22,075 --> 00:12:24,929
<i>"That's the weirdest looking wart I've
ever seen." Frog looks up and says,</i>

154
00:12:24,953 --> 00:12:27,956
<i>"Yeah, I woke up this morning,
there was a big bump on my butt."</i>

155
00:12:28,206 --> 00:12:30,333
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

156
00:12:34,003 --> 00:12:36,464
<i>Hey, then there's this
guy who buys a new dog.</i>

157
00:12:36,547 --> 00:12:38,341
<i>He takes it for a walk
and the friend says-</i>

158
00:12:38,424 --> 00:12:39,634
- (BUZZER SOUNDS)
- Huh?

159
00:12:39,801 --> 00:12:43,096
<i>Sorry, pal.
We've already made our decision.</i>

160
00:12:43,304 --> 00:12:47,267
<i>And for your information,
registration closed days ago.</i>

161
00:12:47,684 --> 00:12:50,520
<i>I'm not leaving until
I get that trophy.</i>

162
00:12:50,687 --> 00:12:52,146
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

163
00:12:52,230 --> 00:12:54,315
<i>Oh, yes, you are.</i>

164
00:12:54,399 --> 00:12:57,193
(LAUGHING CONTINUES)

165
00:12:58,820 --> 00:13:00,697
(IN BRITISH ACCENT) You
can't do this to me!

166
00:13:00,780 --> 00:13:02,782
<i>I'm the greatest
comic in Gotham!</i>

167
00:13:04,033 --> 00:13:06,911
<i>I'll get even.
I'll ruin you all.</i>

168
00:13:07,495 --> 00:13:09,175
- (GRUNTS)
- BATMAN: Freeze <i>it</i> right there.

169
00:13:12,709 --> 00:13:14,627
I think I see what you
mean, Alfred.

170
00:13:16,296 --> 00:13:17,422
Without the hat...

171
00:13:19,632 --> 00:13:21,050
And different hair...

172
00:13:21,509 --> 00:13:22,844
ROBIN: The Joker!

173
00:13:37,150 --> 00:13:38,901
<i>HOST: He“ you, Maury,
I'm dying here.</i>

174
00:13:38,985 --> 00:13:40,278
I got a full house,

175
00:13:40,361 --> 00:13:43,573
and all three of my celebrity judges
are either missing or in jail.

176
00:13:43,656 --> 00:13:46,034
You gotta find me some
replacements quick.

177
00:13:46,951 --> 00:13:49,454
JOKER: Ask and ye shall receive.

178
00:13:49,871 --> 00:13:51,581
What in the... (GASPS)

179
00:13:52,498 --> 00:13:57,128
Permit me to introduce Judges
Knuckles, Vinnie and Kowalski.

180
00:13:57,545 --> 00:14:00,298
They'll be presenting me
with the trophy tonight.

181
00:14:00,798 --> 00:14:03,843
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) Listen,
you can't just walk in here and take...

182
00:14:04,010 --> 00:14:06,012
JOKER: Oh, but I already have.

183
00:14:06,220 --> 00:14:08,556
(STRUGGLING)

184
00:14:12,185 --> 00:14:14,395
These little microchips
are a wonder.

185
00:14:14,729 --> 00:14:18,983
Remind me to thank the Mad Hatter
if he ever wakes up. (LAUGHS)

186
00:14:20,860 --> 00:14:22,737
WOMAN 1: Hey,
start the show already.

187
00:14:23,112 --> 00:14:26,157
- Let's go already!
- WOMAN 2: Start the show!

188
00:14:26,616 --> 00:14:31,287
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to
the 10th annual Gotham Laff Off.

189
00:14:31,371 --> 00:14:32,663
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

190
00:14:32,747 --> 00:14:35,416
And now, it is my deepest
honor to present to you

191
00:14:35,500 --> 00:14:40,171
the evening's first and only
contestant, Smiling Shecky Rimshot.

192
00:14:41,756 --> 00:14:43,567
(IN AMERICAN ACCENT) Hey,
folks, you're beautiful.

193
00:14:43,591 --> 00:14:46,511
Funny thing happened to me on
the way to the theater last year.

194
00:14:46,594 --> 00:14:50,973
It seems three no-talent hacks
tried to stop me from winning.

195
00:14:51,182 --> 00:14:52,517
But guess what!

196
00:14:55,186 --> 00:14:57,522
(IN NORMAL ACCENT) I'm back.

197
00:14:57,688 --> 00:15:00,149
(LAUGHING MAN IACALLY)

198
00:15:00,233 --> 00:15:02,276
(AUDIENCE GASPING)

199
00:15:04,487 --> 00:15:07,615
Oh! Such unhappy faces.

200
00:15:08,074 --> 00:15:10,201
Judges, let's cheer them up.

201
00:15:10,660 --> 00:15:12,537
(ALL LAUGHING)

202
00:15:14,539 --> 00:15:18,668
My high-octane laughing gas will
have you rolling in the aisles.

203
00:15:25,508 --> 00:15:27,051
(EXPLOSION)

204
00:15:33,683 --> 00:15:35,977
It's just you and us, Joker.

205
00:15:36,310 --> 00:15:38,354
Not quite, Batman.

206
00:15:38,604 --> 00:15:42,775
I've got a new girl,
and she'll really sweep you off your feet.

207
00:15:45,194 --> 00:15:46,195
(GROANS)

208
00:15:47,113 --> 00:15:48,406
Lisa Lorraine?

209
00:15:51,409 --> 00:15:54,871
Call me Mighty Mom.

210
00:15:55,079 --> 00:15:56,372
Ain't she sweet?

211
00:15:57,623 --> 00:16:01,002
My very own happy homemaker.

212
00:16:01,169 --> 00:16:03,379
But I don't do windows.

213
00:16:03,504 --> 00:16:04,672
(JOKER LAUGHS)

214
00:16:04,755 --> 00:16:06,007
Not bad.

215
00:16:06,299 --> 00:16:09,302
Honey, why don't you show
our pals how you clean house?

216
00:16:09,552 --> 00:16:12,346
In other words, mop 'em up.

217
00:16:13,764 --> 00:16:16,809
(LAUGHING MAN IACALLY)

218
00:16:20,521 --> 00:16:23,441
Who's first to get dusted?

219
00:16:23,983 --> 00:16:25,623
Think you can get the
brain patch off her?

220
00:16:25,818 --> 00:16:26,819
No problem.

221
00:16:29,322 --> 00:16:30,615
"(GRUNTS) "(GROANS)

222
00:16:33,451 --> 00:16:37,121
- Hey!
- Naughty boy. Mama spank.

223
00:16:38,623 --> 00:16:40,458
(LAUGHING MAN IACALLY)

224
00:16:43,586 --> 00:16:46,756
What did I tell you about playing
with your toys in the house?

225
00:16:47,381 --> 00:16:49,675
- Get rid of it!
- You're the boss.

226
00:16:54,972 --> 00:16:57,058
(GASPS)

227
00:16:58,518 --> 00:17:02,730
No! Not on my nice clean floor.

228
00:17:02,813 --> 00:17:05,566
ROBIN: Just hold still.
LISA: Ow!

229
00:17:05,816 --> 00:17:07,151
That hurts.

230
00:17:07,944 --> 00:17:08,945
(GROANS)

231
00:17:09,987 --> 00:17:13,491
- Don't worry. I'm back to normal.
- Who can tell?

232
00:17:37,890 --> 00:17:41,143
- Stay back.
- You've hit a new low, Joker.

233
00:17:41,561 --> 00:17:45,106
Only you would ruin three
lives for a silly piece of tin.

234
00:17:45,606 --> 00:17:47,692
You're dumber than you
look, Bats.

235
00:17:49,944 --> 00:17:53,823
It's not the trophy that
matters, it's the title.

236
00:17:53,906 --> 00:17:58,661
I am the greatest clown this
dismal burg has ever seen.

237
00:17:58,869 --> 00:18:02,415
What would the common folk do
without my pranks and antics?

238
00:18:02,957 --> 00:18:04,208
Let's find out.

239
00:18:04,709 --> 00:18:06,627
(LAUGHING MAN IACALLY)

240
00:18:08,838 --> 00:18:12,049
UP, up and away!

241
00:18:29,692 --> 00:18:31,319
Quit rocking the boat!

242
00:18:42,788 --> 00:18:45,708
JOKER: Oh! Too bad, Bat-sap.

243
00:18:45,791 --> 00:18:48,002
But you should have
remembered the old saying,

244
00:18:48,252 --> 00:18:51,589
"Dying is easy, comedy is hard."

245
00:18:52,298 --> 00:18:54,717
(LAUGHING MAN IACALLY)

246
00:18:56,719 --> 00:18:58,929
- (GASPS)
- (CONTINUES LAUGHING)

247
00:19:03,100 --> 00:19:04,935
ROBIN: Mind if I join the party?

248
00:19:06,604 --> 00:19:07,897
(GROANS)

249
00:19:12,276 --> 00:19:14,654
Ow! You miserable brat.

250
00:19:20,910 --> 00:19:22,870
Get this stupid thing off me.

251
00:19:24,997 --> 00:19:26,916
(SCREAMING)

252
00:19:29,210 --> 00:19:30,378
QOps!

253
00:19:31,921 --> 00:19:32,963
Watch it.

254
00:19:33,756 --> 00:19:36,425
I think I'm getting airsick.

255
00:19:42,431 --> 00:19:43,974
(SIRENS WAILING)

256
00:19:49,313 --> 00:19:50,690
(GROANS)

257
00:19:51,107 --> 00:19:53,943
(PEOPLE LAUGHING)

258
00:19:56,070 --> 00:20:01,492
I'll get you for this, Batman!
No one upstages me and lives.

259
00:20:03,911 --> 00:20:06,831
- (GUNS COCKING)
- Is there a problem, officers?

260
00:20:07,623 --> 00:20:08,749
(YELP$)

261
00:20:10,334 --> 00:20:11,544
(GROANS)

262
00:20:11,711 --> 00:20:13,087
(PEOPLE LAUGHING)

263
00:20:13,170 --> 00:20:18,175
What's so funny?
I'll give you something to laugh about!

264
00:20:20,928 --> 00:20:22,680
(GRUMBLING)

265
00:20:44,869 --> 00:20:46,579
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)