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(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
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JOKER: I want a nice clean
game, gentlemen.
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PENGUIN: That'll be a first.
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So I hear you-know-who nailed
the Mad Hatter last week.
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JOKER: No kidding?
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He sure gets
around, for one guy.
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TWO-FACE: Yeah, well,
that's where you're wrong.
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I don't think it is one guy.
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KILLER CROC: Huh?
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TWO-FACE: The way I figure it, Gordon's
got a bunch of them stashed someplace
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like a SWAT team.
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He wants you to think it's one
guy, but-
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JOKER: No,
you're always seeing double.
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PENGUIN: It's obvious
our caped friend suffered
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some crime-related trauma
when he was younger.
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Perhaps an overanxious mugger
blew off a piece of his face.
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JOKER: Sure, he could be all gross
and disgusting under that mask.
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No offense, Harv.
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TWO-FACE: Just deal.
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Well, you know what I think.
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Not the robot theory again.
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Well, he could be.
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POISON IVY: Hello, boys.
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Get me an herbal
tea and deal me in.
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Scram, lady.
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This is a private-
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(GRUNTS)
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Why, you little-
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Poison Ivy.
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It's been a long time, Harvey.
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You're still looking
halfway decent.
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- Half of me wants to strangle you.
- And what does the other half want?
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To hit you with a truck.
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We used to date.
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BOTH: Ah.
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What brings such a dainty
dove to this dismal den?
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- (PATRON GRUNTING)
- (OBJECTS SMASHING)
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Running from the law.
And the Batman, too, of course.
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- Of course.
- Likewise.
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- You got it.
- KILLER CROC: Same here.
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You'd think one of us
would've got him by now.
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I've come the closest.
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Are you kidding?
I was the one who nearly-
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- (BANGS ON TABLE)
- Nobody's come closer to
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snuffing the Batman than me.
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PENGUIN: In your dreams.
KILLER CROC: Says you.
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Get out of my face.
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(JOKER WHISTLES)
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The fact of the matter is,
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we each have an "almost
got him" Batman story.
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I know mine's the best,
but let's hear yours anyway.
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I'd say, "Ladies first," but
since we don't have any...
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(CHUCKLES) We'll start with
you, Pam.
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All right.
This happened last Halloween.
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I had rigged
hundreds of pumpkins
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to blow out poison-ivy
gas when they were lit.
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I knew Batman would show as soon
as Gotham started scratching.
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In fact, I was counting on it.
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(MATCHSTICK STRIKING)
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Trick or treat.
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(GASPS)
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(couemue)
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(GROANS)
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It's midnight, darling.
Time to unmask.
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(GASPS)
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BATMAN: Poison gas...
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It's just the darnedest thing.
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I have this natural immunity
against poisons, toxins,
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the pain and suffering of others.
Go figure. Bye.
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(BLOWS KISS)
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(couemue)
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(ENGINE WHIRRING)
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(YELP$)
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And that's how I almost got him.
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With exploding pumpkins.
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I'd like to hear you do better.
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Oh, you will,
but I'm saving the best for last.
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Can't be better than mine.
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There was this time I had
just robbed the Gotham Mint
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00:06:00,944 --> 00:06:03,196
of $2 million in $2 bills.
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Lucky for me,
I brought along the Two-Ton Gang.
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(BATMAN GRUNTING)
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The coin says you lose, Batman.
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Tie him up.
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And just so you don't
get any ideas...
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(BATMAN GROWLS)
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We'll see how tough you
are without your toys.
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(TWO-FACE LAUGHING SINISTERLY)
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So, what happened next?
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I thought as long as I
had Batman at my mercy,
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he deserved a 50-50 chance.
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Here's the deal. The coin lands face
down, you'll be squashed flat.
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It lands face up,
it'll just break every bone in your body.
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Hey, where's my coin?
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Anybody see where I... Oh, no.
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Now. Launch it now!
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(GROANS)
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(BOTH GRUNT)
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(BOTH YELLING)
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(GASPS)
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BATMAN: Here.
I owe you a dollar.
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TWO-FACE: And if it weren't
for this blasted coin,
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I would've got him.
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Gee, that's too bad, Harv.
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But I guess you'll
always come in second.
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Anyone else want a go?
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KILLER CROC: Me!
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There I was,
holed up in this quarry
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when Batman came nosing around.
He was getting closer, closer...
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- POISON IVY: And?
- I threw a rock at him.
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So, Harvey,
what became of the giant penny?
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It was a big rock.
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They actually let him keep it.
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TWO-FACE: Whose deal is it?
PENGUIN: Mine.
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I find your middling
machinations mildly diverting.
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But for sheer criminal genius,
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none surpasses my most recent
ornithologically-inspired entoilment.
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Smaller words, please.
You're losing Croc.
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(MUMBLES)
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For weeks, I let rumors
circulate through the underworld
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of my plan to steal a pair of priceless
breeding condors from the Gotham Zoo.
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Sure enough, on the appointed
night, guess who showed up.
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(LOCK CLATTERS)
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(PENGUIN GASPS)
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(GROWLS)
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(GAS HISSING)
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Curses,
I would grab the wrong umbrella.
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(DOOR SLAMS)
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PENGUIN: Welcome,
my ebon-winged adversary.
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You have taken the bait
as I knew you would.
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Now, prepare to meet your
end within my aviary of doom.
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Aviary of what?
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'Leash, Pengers,
how corny can you get'?
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(SCOFFS)
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Just because you mundane miscreants
have no drama in your souls...
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Anyway, there he was in my-
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Big birdhouse.
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PENGUIN: Beautiful, aren't they?
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Like glittering
fragments of the rainbow.
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By the way,
that mist I sprayed on you
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00:11:26,060 --> 00:11:28,813
is derived from the
nectar these birds drink.
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- (GRUNTS)
- It's quite harmless.
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But their poison-tipped
beaks, however, are not.
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A scratch or two will
merely slow you down.
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Three or four,
and you'll start to get drowsy.
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And after that, well, I wish I could
say it's been nice knowing you.
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(PENGUIN CHUCKLES)
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- (GRUNTS)
- (BATARANG WHOOSHING)
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(WATER SPRAYING)
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(GASPS)
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PENGUIN: Oh, well played.
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00:12:10,730 --> 00:12:14,317
Now to take a poison antidote
from your miraculous belt.
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00:12:16,444 --> 00:12:17,612
(GRUNTS)
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00:12:17,820 --> 00:12:19,614
And I suggest you do it quickly,
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00:12:20,031 --> 00:12:23,785
before my cassowary's razor-sharp
talons rend you asunder.
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(SQUAWKING)
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(BATMAN GRUNTS)
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(GROANING)
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(SQUAWKING)
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(SCREECHING)
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(CLICKS)
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PENGUIN: Naturally, I had flown
the coop by the time he escaped.
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00:13:14,585 --> 00:13:16,713
Still, I almost got him.
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JOKER: Not even close.
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You see,
the thing you're forgetting
166
00:13:21,968 --> 00:13:24,929
is that there are all sorts
of ways to get someone.
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00:13:25,471 --> 00:13:28,224
Take my latest
run-in with Batsy.
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00:13:28,641 --> 00:13:31,561
It was just last night,
as the entire country
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00:13:31,644 --> 00:13:34,939
was tuning into its
favorite talk show.
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00:13:36,899 --> 00:13:39,527
- (THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
- HARLEY: It's Late Night Gotham Live!
171
00:13:40,111 --> 00:13:43,990
And here's the man who puts a smile on
your face, whether you want it or not,
172
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the Joker.
173
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(APPLAUSE)
174
00:14:10,725 --> 00:14:12,268
(GUN COCKING)
175
00:14:20,151 --> 00:14:22,362
Good evening, folks.
I'm the Joker.
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00:14:22,570 --> 00:14:25,740
Living proof that you don't have
to be crazy to host this show,
177
00:14:25,823 --> 00:14:26,824
but it helps.
178
00:14:26,908 --> 00:14:28,951
- (CACKLES)
- (DRUM ROLL)
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00:14:31,496 --> 00:14:33,456
We've got a real treat for
you, kids.
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00:14:33,998 --> 00:14:38,753
I ran into my first guest last night
while making a withdrawal from the bank.
181
00:14:39,212 --> 00:14:41,130
You know him as
"The Dark Knight,"
182
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but we prefer to think
of him as history.
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00:14:44,258 --> 00:14:48,429
(CHUCKLES) Here he is,
the one and only...
184
00:14:49,555 --> 00:14:50,890
Batman.
185
00:15:14,414 --> 00:15:17,917
We're back with my
extra-special guest.
186
00:15:22,088 --> 00:15:23,881
So how's Robin?
187
00:15:29,762 --> 00:15:31,514
Oh. Moving right along.
188
00:15:31,722 --> 00:15:35,852
You know, kids, we've got an item
here no home should be without.
189
00:15:36,269 --> 00:15:40,148
The laughter-activated electric chair.
(CHUCKLES)
190
00:15:40,648 --> 00:15:45,653
Yes, sir, the merest titter or guffaw
starts the chair's generator revving up
191
00:15:45,778 --> 00:15:47,447
towards maximum zappage.
192
00:15:47,947 --> 00:15:48,990
Harley?
193
00:15:50,825 --> 00:15:52,243
(SLOWLY) Ha, ha, ha.
194
00:15:55,037 --> 00:15:56,038
(GROANS)
195
00:15:56,247 --> 00:15:57,457
(ELECTRICITY BUZZING)
196
00:15:58,207 --> 00:16:02,670
But for a real demonstration,
we're pumping our studio audience
197
00:16:02,837 --> 00:16:05,673
full of my patented
laughing gas.
198
00:16:06,299 --> 00:16:08,718
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
199
00:16:11,262 --> 00:16:12,555
(GROANS)
200
00:16:12,722 --> 00:16:16,809
These yahoos will laugh at anything
now, even the phone book.
201
00:16:17,977 --> 00:16:19,145
(CLEARS THROAT)
202
00:16:19,520 --> 00:16:24,025
Marvin Abbott, 555-8976.
203
00:16:24,484 --> 00:16:25,943
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
204
00:16:26,819 --> 00:16:28,112
(GROANING)
205
00:16:29,530 --> 00:16:33,743
Gerald Adams, 555-9011.
206
00:16:34,368 --> 00:16:35,953
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
207
00:16:37,330 --> 00:16:38,581
(GROANING)
208
00:16:40,374 --> 00:16:43,503
NLJ. Addison, 555-
209
00:16:43,669 --> 00:16:44,670
(GASPS)
210
00:16:49,258 --> 00:16:50,468
(CATWOMAN SNARLING)
211
00:16:52,303 --> 00:16:53,304
Hey!
212
00:16:54,138 --> 00:16:55,264
(JOKER GRUNTS)
213
00:17:00,603 --> 00:17:01,812
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
214
00:17:01,938 --> 00:17:03,523
(GROANING)
215
00:17:07,777 --> 00:17:09,612
(WHIP SWISHING)
216
00:17:12,532 --> 00:17:13,783
(ALL GRUNTING)
217
00:17:21,040 --> 00:17:22,959
CATWOMAN: Shaw's over, Joker.
218
00:17:23,709 --> 00:17:27,213
JOKER: Catwoman, ladies and gentlemen.
Let's hear it for her.
219
00:17:27,505 --> 00:17:28,714
(HIGH VOLTAGE BUZZING)
220
00:17:30,049 --> 00:17:31,467
(HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER)
221
00:17:32,885 --> 00:17:34,095
(EXPLOSION)
222
00:17:36,138 --> 00:17:37,348
TWO-FACE: Almost got him.
223
00:17:37,848 --> 00:17:40,977
Yes, if not for that
infatuated feline.
224
00:17:41,561 --> 00:17:44,939
Oh, but that's the best part.
Once the chair went up,
225
00:17:45,231 --> 00:17:47,650
I was out of there
tout de suite.
226
00:17:47,733 --> 00:17:48,734
(LAUGHS)
227
00:17:53,364 --> 00:17:54,532
(JOKER EXCLAIMS)
228
00:17:54,907 --> 00:17:57,910
Miss Kitty still wanted
to play cat-and-mouse,
229
00:17:58,202 --> 00:18:01,664
never dreaming I still
had an ace up my sleeve.
230
00:18:02,039 --> 00:18:03,040
- (THUDS)
- (GASPING)
231
00:18:09,964 --> 00:18:14,093
And by golly, speaking of
aces, looky here.
232
00:18:14,885 --> 00:18:17,888
TWO-FACE: I can't believe his luck.
KILLER CROC: Oh, darn.
233
00:18:19,056 --> 00:18:20,683
PENGUIN: Let me see those cards.
234
00:18:23,811 --> 00:18:27,481
Now, now, no sore losers.
(CHUCKLES)
235
00:18:28,149 --> 00:18:29,817
Hey, I don't get it.
236
00:18:29,942 --> 00:18:32,653
You just knocked out
Catwoman and left her?
237
00:18:32,903 --> 00:18:34,780
Oh, come on, Crackers,
238
00:18:35,031 --> 00:18:38,075
didn't I say there's more
than one way to "get someone"?
239
00:18:38,326 --> 00:18:39,744
Even as I speak,
240
00:18:39,869 --> 00:18:44,373
Catwoman is being trussed up at
the Pussykins Pet Food factory.
241
00:18:44,790 --> 00:18:50,129
First thing tomorrow, I'm sending a
lovely case of cat food to Batman.
242
00:18:50,588 --> 00:18:51,922
(LAUGHING MAN IACALLY)
243
00:18:54,425 --> 00:18:55,718
BATMAN: I don't think so.
244
00:18:57,386 --> 00:18:58,638
(JOKER GROANING)
245
00:19:03,601 --> 00:19:06,979
Was it something I said?
(CHUCKLES)
246
00:19:12,068 --> 00:19:15,112
PENGUIN: Well, well.
An impostor in our midst.
247
00:19:15,613 --> 00:19:18,407
Risking everything for your
kitty, Batman?
248
00:19:18,866 --> 00:19:20,660
You're not getting
out of this one.
249
00:19:21,410 --> 00:19:22,953
Maybe. (SNAPS)
250
00:19:23,329 --> 00:19:25,331
(GUNS COCKING)
251
00:19:33,714 --> 00:19:36,467
But I'm not bad
with traps myself.
252
00:19:50,231 --> 00:19:51,607
(CATWOMAN SNARLING)
253
00:19:55,027 --> 00:19:58,364
I had a kitty once. You know,
they don't always land on their feet.
254
00:19:58,656 --> 00:19:59,782
(GROWLS)
255
00:20:00,366 --> 00:20:01,659
Look on the bright side.
256
00:20:01,867 --> 00:20:04,662
Tomorrow, you'll be feeding
hundreds of hungry cats.
257
00:20:04,870 --> 00:20:07,998
The fun starts as soon
as Mr. J comes back.
258
00:20:08,749 --> 00:20:09,792
BATMAN: Don't wait up.
259
00:20:12,336 --> 00:20:13,337
(HARLEY GASPS)
260
00:20:15,214 --> 00:20:20,094
Back off, Bats, or say "ciao" to
your girlfriend. Cat chow, that is.
261
00:20:21,470 --> 00:20:22,972
That's a good little rodent.
262
00:20:23,055 --> 00:20:25,141
And just to make sure
you don't follow me...
263
00:20:25,516 --> 00:20:26,684
(MACHINE WHIRRING)
264
00:20:28,561 --> 00:20:30,104
(CATWOMAN STRUGGLING)
265
00:20:40,114 --> 00:20:44,076
Gee, Batman, what you gonna do,
kick me around or save your kitten?
266
00:20:46,620 --> 00:20:48,622
You've only got time for one.
267
00:20:58,632 --> 00:21:01,635
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) Good call.
Help.
268
00:21:10,186 --> 00:21:11,979
CATWOMAN: Thanks
for coming after me.
269
00:21:12,313 --> 00:21:13,355
BATMAN: I owed you.
270
00:21:14,064 --> 00:21:15,858
Well, I'd like to
think our relationship
271
00:21:15,941 --> 00:21:19,445
isn't just restricted to saving
each other from freaks and weirdos.
272
00:21:19,737 --> 00:21:22,823
And that maybe we'd have a place
for each other without Gotham,
273
00:21:23,240 --> 00:21:24,241
without the freaks.
274
00:21:24,784 --> 00:21:27,161
Maybe without masks.
275
00:21:27,912 --> 00:21:28,913
Maybe.
276
00:21:29,371 --> 00:21:30,706
(SIREN BLARING)
277
00:21:31,832 --> 00:21:32,833
(CLOAK FLAPPING)
278
00:21:42,301 --> 00:21:44,303
Hmm. Almost got 'im.
279
00:21:52,770 --> 00:21:54,772
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
280
00:22:18,504 --> 00:22:19,505
English - SDH