1 00:00:05,506 --> 00:00:07,508 (THEME MUSIC PLAYING) 2 00:01:21,582 --> 00:01:24,042 JOKER: I want a nice clean game, gentlemen. 3 00:01:24,668 --> 00:01:25,919 PENGUIN: That'll be a first. 4 00:01:26,587 --> 00:01:29,965 So I hear you-know-who nailed the Mad Hatter last week. 5 00:01:30,674 --> 00:01:31,675 JOKER: No kidding? 6 00:01:32,134 --> 00:01:34,386 He sure gets around, for one guy. 7 00:01:34,761 --> 00:01:36,641 TWO-FACE: Yeah, well, that's where you're wrong. 8 00:01:37,014 --> 00:01:38,682 I don't think it is one guy. 9 00:01:38,932 --> 00:01:39,975 KILLER CROC: Huh? 10 00:01:40,058 --> 00:01:43,604 TWO-FACE: The way I figure it, Gordon's got a bunch of them stashed someplace 11 00:01:43,895 --> 00:01:45,063 like a SWAT team. 12 00:01:46,023 --> 00:01:48,483 He wants you to think it's one guy, but- 13 00:01:48,650 --> 00:01:50,444 JOKER: No, you're always seeing double. 14 00:01:51,028 --> 00:01:52,839 PENGUIN: It's obvious our caped friend suffered 15 00:01:52,863 --> 00:01:55,616 some crime-related trauma when he was younger. 16 00:01:55,991 --> 00:01:59,620 Perhaps an overanxious mugger blew off a piece of his face. 17 00:02:00,370 --> 00:02:04,708 JOKER: Sure, he could be all gross and disgusting under that mask. 18 00:02:05,584 --> 00:02:06,752 No offense, Harv. 19 00:02:07,294 --> 00:02:08,837 TWO-FACE: Just deal. 20 00:02:09,338 --> 00:02:11,423 Well, you know what I think. 21 00:02:12,049 --> 00:02:15,010 Not the robot theory again. 22 00:02:15,344 --> 00:02:16,720 Well, he could be. 23 00:02:19,014 --> 00:02:20,057 POISON IVY: Hello, boys. 24 00:02:22,934 --> 00:02:24,978 Get me an herbal tea and deal me in. 25 00:02:25,854 --> 00:02:26,855 Scram, lady. 26 00:02:27,856 --> 00:02:29,399 This is a private- 27 00:02:29,608 --> 00:02:30,651 (GRUNTS) 28 00:02:32,944 --> 00:02:34,154 Why, you little- 29 00:02:38,325 --> 00:02:39,993 Poison Ivy. 30 00:02:40,827 --> 00:02:42,287 It's been a long time, Harvey. 31 00:02:42,829 --> 00:02:44,915 You're still looking halfway decent. 32 00:02:45,624 --> 00:02:49,461 - Half of me wants to strangle you. - And what does the other half want? 33 00:02:49,836 --> 00:02:51,505 To hit you with a truck. 34 00:02:52,005 --> 00:02:53,298 We used to date. 35 00:02:53,548 --> 00:02:54,675 BOTH: Ah. 36 00:02:55,217 --> 00:02:58,720 What brings such a dainty dove to this dismal den? 37 00:02:58,804 --> 00:02:59,906 - (PATRON GRUNTING) - (OBJECTS SMASHING) 38 00:02:59,930 --> 00:03:03,308 Running from the law. And the Batman, too, of course. 39 00:03:03,850 --> 00:03:05,227 - Of course. - Likewise. 40 00:03:05,519 --> 00:03:07,896 - You got it. - KILLER CROC: Same here. 41 00:03:08,188 --> 00:03:10,273 You'd think one of us would've got him by now. 42 00:03:10,482 --> 00:03:11,775 I've come the closest. 43 00:03:12,150 --> 00:03:14,444 Are you kidding? I was the one who nearly- 44 00:03:14,861 --> 00:03:16,089 - (BANGS ON TABLE) - Nobody's come closer to 45 00:03:16,113 --> 00:03:18,156 snuffing the Batman than me. 46 00:03:18,699 --> 00:03:20,426 PENGUIN: In your dreams. KILLER CROC: Says you. 47 00:03:20,450 --> 00:03:21,868 Get out of my face. 48 00:03:21,952 --> 00:03:23,286 (JOKER WHISTLES) 49 00:03:23,453 --> 00:03:24,871 The fact of the matter is, 50 00:03:24,955 --> 00:03:28,125 we each have an "almost got him" Batman story. 51 00:03:28,500 --> 00:03:32,170 I know mine's the best, but let's hear yours anyway. 52 00:03:32,629 --> 00:03:36,133 I'd say, "Ladies first," but since we don't have any... 53 00:03:36,258 --> 00:03:38,927 (CHUCKLES) We'll start with you, Pam. 54 00:03:39,344 --> 00:03:42,472 All right. This happened last Halloween. 55 00:03:42,597 --> 00:03:44,141 I had rigged hundreds of pumpkins 56 00:03:44,307 --> 00:03:46,685 to blow out poison-ivy gas when they were lit. 57 00:03:55,277 --> 00:03:58,905 I knew Batman would show as soon as Gotham started scratching. 58 00:03:59,322 --> 00:04:01,700 In fact, I was counting on it. 59 00:04:08,081 --> 00:04:09,082 (MATCHSTICK STRIKING) 60 00:04:13,795 --> 00:04:15,338 Trick or treat. 61 00:04:18,467 --> 00:04:19,634 (GASPS) 62 00:04:19,885 --> 00:04:21,136 (couemue) 63 00:04:27,100 --> 00:04:28,101 (GROANS) 64 00:04:29,060 --> 00:04:31,813 It's midnight, darling. Time to unmask. 65 00:04:46,286 --> 00:04:47,412 (GASPS) 66 00:04:47,996 --> 00:04:49,748 BATMAN: Poison gas... 67 00:04:50,832 --> 00:04:52,292 It's just the darnedest thing. 68 00:04:52,584 --> 00:04:55,629 I have this natural immunity against poisons, toxins, 69 00:04:55,921 --> 00:04:59,508 the pain and suffering of others. Go figure. Bye. 70 00:04:59,591 --> 00:05:00,634 (BLOWS KISS) 71 00:05:02,511 --> 00:05:03,720 (couemue) 72 00:05:06,973 --> 00:05:08,225 (ENGINE WHIRRING) 73 00:05:20,862 --> 00:05:21,863 (YELP$) 74 00:05:43,260 --> 00:05:45,720 And that's how I almost got him. 75 00:05:46,388 --> 00:05:48,640 With exploding pumpkins. 76 00:05:49,182 --> 00:05:51,226 I'd like to hear you do better. 77 00:05:51,560 --> 00:05:55,313 Oh, you will, but I'm saving the best for last. 78 00:05:55,856 --> 00:05:57,691 Can't be better than mine. 79 00:05:58,483 --> 00:06:00,694 There was this time I had just robbed the Gotham Mint 80 00:06:00,944 --> 00:06:03,196 of $2 million in $2 bills. 81 00:06:05,574 --> 00:06:09,077 Lucky for me, I brought along the Two-Ton Gang. 82 00:06:10,453 --> 00:06:12,080 (BATMAN GRUNTING) 83 00:06:16,376 --> 00:06:19,880 The coin says you lose, Batman. 84 00:06:20,630 --> 00:06:21,715 Tie him up. 85 00:06:21,798 --> 00:06:24,634 And just so you don't get any ideas... 86 00:06:28,054 --> 00:06:29,055 (BATMAN GROWLS) 87 00:06:33,643 --> 00:06:37,022 We'll see how tough you are without your toys. 88 00:06:37,606 --> 00:06:39,733 (TWO-FACE LAUGHING SINISTERLY) 89 00:06:53,163 --> 00:06:54,831 So, what happened next? 90 00:06:55,248 --> 00:06:57,876 I thought as long as I had Batman at my mercy, 91 00:06:58,668 --> 00:07:00,754 he deserved a 50-50 chance. 92 00:07:01,963 --> 00:07:07,677 Here's the deal. The coin lands face down, you'll be squashed flat. 93 00:07:08,803 --> 00:07:12,766 It lands face up, it'll just break every bone in your body. 94 00:07:31,493 --> 00:07:33,536 Hey, where's my coin? 95 00:07:34,454 --> 00:07:37,207 Anybody see where I... Oh, no. 96 00:07:41,795 --> 00:07:44,422 Now. Launch it now! 97 00:08:06,111 --> 00:08:07,362 (GROANS) 98 00:08:10,699 --> 00:08:12,033 (BOTH GRUNT) 99 00:08:21,584 --> 00:08:22,961 (BOTH YELLING) 100 00:08:33,555 --> 00:08:34,556 (GASPS) 101 00:08:34,931 --> 00:08:36,850 BATMAN: Here. I owe you a dollar. 102 00:08:39,519 --> 00:08:42,105 TWO-FACE: And if it weren't for this blasted coin, 103 00:08:42,480 --> 00:08:44,024 I would've got him. 104 00:08:44,899 --> 00:08:47,402 Gee, that's too bad, Harv. 105 00:08:47,610 --> 00:08:50,447 But I guess you'll always come in second. 106 00:08:51,281 --> 00:08:52,741 Anyone else want a go? 107 00:08:53,366 --> 00:08:54,617 KILLER CROC: Me! 108 00:08:55,452 --> 00:08:57,829 There I was, holed up in this quarry 109 00:08:58,246 --> 00:09:02,751 when Batman came nosing around. He was getting closer, closer... 110 00:09:03,251 --> 00:09:05,754 - POISON IVY: And? - I threw a rock at him. 111 00:09:15,305 --> 00:09:18,099 So, Harvey, what became of the giant penny? 112 00:09:18,850 --> 00:09:20,226 It was a big rock. 113 00:09:20,602 --> 00:09:22,520 They actually let him keep it. 114 00:09:25,273 --> 00:09:27,400 TWO-FACE: Whose deal is it? PENGUIN: Mine. 115 00:09:27,901 --> 00:09:31,529 I find your middling machinations mildly diverting. 116 00:09:32,030 --> 00:09:34,032 But for sheer criminal genius, 117 00:09:34,365 --> 00:09:39,079 none surpasses my most recent ornithologically-inspired entoilment. 118 00:09:39,871 --> 00:09:43,208 Smaller words, please. You're losing Croc. 119 00:09:43,583 --> 00:09:44,709 (MUMBLES) 120 00:09:45,126 --> 00:09:47,587 For weeks, I let rumors circulate through the underworld 121 00:09:47,837 --> 00:09:52,675 of my plan to steal a pair of priceless breeding condors from the Gotham Zoo. 122 00:09:53,176 --> 00:09:56,471 Sure enough, on the appointed night, guess who showed up. 123 00:10:03,603 --> 00:10:04,604 (LOCK CLATTERS) 124 00:10:10,652 --> 00:10:11,903 (PENGUIN GASPS) 125 00:10:14,614 --> 00:10:15,824 (GROWLS) 126 00:10:17,826 --> 00:10:18,827 (GAS HISSING) 127 00:10:21,579 --> 00:10:24,541 Curses, I would grab the wrong umbrella. 128 00:10:36,386 --> 00:10:37,470 (DOOR SLAMS) 129 00:10:38,930 --> 00:10:41,432 PENGUIN: Welcome, my ebon-winged adversary. 130 00:10:41,891 --> 00:10:44,727 You have taken the bait as I knew you would. 131 00:10:45,103 --> 00:10:49,816 Now, prepare to meet your end within my aviary of doom. 132 00:10:50,692 --> 00:10:51,985 Aviary of what? 133 00:10:52,443 --> 00:10:55,363 'Leash, Pengers, how corny can you get'? 134 00:10:55,864 --> 00:10:56,865 (SCOFFS) 135 00:10:57,073 --> 00:11:01,244 Just because you mundane miscreants have no drama in your souls... 136 00:11:01,870 --> 00:11:04,038 Anyway, there he was in my- 137 00:11:05,290 --> 00:11:06,875 Big birdhouse. 138 00:11:17,635 --> 00:11:19,429 PENGUIN: Beautiful, aren't they? 139 00:11:19,804 --> 00:11:22,015 Like glittering fragments of the rainbow. 140 00:11:23,099 --> 00:11:25,894 By the way, that mist I sprayed on you 141 00:11:26,060 --> 00:11:28,813 is derived from the nectar these birds drink. 142 00:11:29,606 --> 00:11:32,066 - (GRUNTS) - It's quite harmless. 143 00:11:32,775 --> 00:11:35,904 But their poison-tipped beaks, however, are not. 144 00:11:42,785 --> 00:11:45,121 A scratch or two will merely slow you down. 145 00:11:45,413 --> 00:11:47,832 Three or four, and you'll start to get drowsy. 146 00:11:48,374 --> 00:11:53,004 And after that, well, I wish I could say it's been nice knowing you. 147 00:11:53,171 --> 00:11:54,172 (PENGUIN CHUCKLES) 148 00:11:56,132 --> 00:11:58,051 - (GRUNTS) - (BATARANG WHOOSHING) 149 00:11:58,968 --> 00:12:00,178 (WATER SPRAYING) 150 00:12:07,352 --> 00:12:08,353 (GASPS) 151 00:12:08,686 --> 00:12:10,188 PENGUIN: Oh, well played. 152 00:12:10,730 --> 00:12:14,317 Now to take a poison antidote from your miraculous belt. 153 00:12:16,444 --> 00:12:17,612 (GRUNTS) 154 00:12:17,820 --> 00:12:19,614 And I suggest you do it quickly, 155 00:12:20,031 --> 00:12:23,785 before my cassowary's razor-sharp talons rend you asunder. 156 00:12:24,661 --> 00:12:25,662 (SQUAWKING) 157 00:12:29,624 --> 00:12:30,625 (BATMAN GRUNTS) 158 00:12:32,877 --> 00:12:33,878 (GROANING) 159 00:12:34,671 --> 00:12:35,838 (SQUAWKING) 160 00:12:47,600 --> 00:12:48,810 (SCREECHING) 161 00:12:58,403 --> 00:12:59,487 (CLICKS) 162 00:13:09,580 --> 00:13:12,667 PENGUIN: Naturally, I had flown the coop by the time he escaped. 163 00:13:14,585 --> 00:13:16,713 Still, I almost got him. 164 00:13:17,255 --> 00:13:18,881 JOKER: Not even close. 165 00:13:19,549 --> 00:13:21,676 You see, the thing you're forgetting 166 00:13:21,968 --> 00:13:24,929 is that there are all sorts of ways to get someone. 167 00:13:25,471 --> 00:13:28,224 Take my latest run-in with Batsy. 168 00:13:28,641 --> 00:13:31,561 It was just last night, as the entire country 169 00:13:31,644 --> 00:13:34,939 was tuning into its favorite talk show. 170 00:13:36,899 --> 00:13:39,527 - (THEME MUSIC PLAYING) - HARLEY: It's Late Night Gotham Live! 171 00:13:40,111 --> 00:13:43,990 And here's the man who puts a smile on your face, whether you want it or not, 172 00:13:44,157 --> 00:13:46,159 the Joker. 173 00:13:46,409 --> 00:13:48,077 (APPLAUSE) 174 00:14:10,725 --> 00:14:12,268 (GUN COCKING) 175 00:14:20,151 --> 00:14:22,362 Good evening, folks. I'm the Joker. 176 00:14:22,570 --> 00:14:25,740 Living proof that you don't have to be crazy to host this show, 177 00:14:25,823 --> 00:14:26,824 but it helps. 178 00:14:26,908 --> 00:14:28,951 - (CACKLES) - (DRUM ROLL) 179 00:14:31,496 --> 00:14:33,456 We've got a real treat for you, kids. 180 00:14:33,998 --> 00:14:38,753 I ran into my first guest last night while making a withdrawal from the bank. 181 00:14:39,212 --> 00:14:41,130 You know him as "The Dark Knight," 182 00:14:41,214 --> 00:14:43,966 but we prefer to think of him as history. 183 00:14:44,258 --> 00:14:48,429 (CHUCKLES) Here he is, the one and only... 184 00:14:49,555 --> 00:14:50,890 Batman. 185 00:15:14,414 --> 00:15:17,917 We're back with my extra-special guest. 186 00:15:22,088 --> 00:15:23,881 So how's Robin? 187 00:15:29,762 --> 00:15:31,514 Oh. Moving right along. 188 00:15:31,722 --> 00:15:35,852 You know, kids, we've got an item here no home should be without. 189 00:15:36,269 --> 00:15:40,148 The laughter-activated electric chair. (CHUCKLES) 190 00:15:40,648 --> 00:15:45,653 Yes, sir, the merest titter or guffaw starts the chair's generator revving up 191 00:15:45,778 --> 00:15:47,447 towards maximum zappage. 192 00:15:47,947 --> 00:15:48,990 Harley? 193 00:15:50,825 --> 00:15:52,243 (SLOWLY) Ha, ha, ha. 194 00:15:55,037 --> 00:15:56,038 (GROANS) 195 00:15:56,247 --> 00:15:57,457 (ELECTRICITY BUZZING) 196 00:15:58,207 --> 00:16:02,670 But for a real demonstration, we're pumping our studio audience 197 00:16:02,837 --> 00:16:05,673 full of my patented laughing gas. 198 00:16:06,299 --> 00:16:08,718 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 199 00:16:11,262 --> 00:16:12,555 (GROANS) 200 00:16:12,722 --> 00:16:16,809 These yahoos will laugh at anything now, even the phone book. 201 00:16:17,977 --> 00:16:19,145 (CLEARS THROAT) 202 00:16:19,520 --> 00:16:24,025 Marvin Abbott, 555-8976. 203 00:16:24,484 --> 00:16:25,943 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 204 00:16:26,819 --> 00:16:28,112 (GROANING) 205 00:16:29,530 --> 00:16:33,743 Gerald Adams, 555-9011. 206 00:16:34,368 --> 00:16:35,953 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 207 00:16:37,330 --> 00:16:38,581 (GROANING) 208 00:16:40,374 --> 00:16:43,503 NLJ. Addison, 555- 209 00:16:43,669 --> 00:16:44,670 (GASPS) 210 00:16:49,258 --> 00:16:50,468 (CATWOMAN SNARLING) 211 00:16:52,303 --> 00:16:53,304 Hey! 212 00:16:54,138 --> 00:16:55,264 (JOKER GRUNTS) 213 00:17:00,603 --> 00:17:01,812 (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) 214 00:17:01,938 --> 00:17:03,523 (GROANING) 215 00:17:07,777 --> 00:17:09,612 (WHIP SWISHING) 216 00:17:12,532 --> 00:17:13,783 (ALL GRUNTING) 217 00:17:21,040 --> 00:17:22,959 CATWOMAN: Shaw's over, Joker. 218 00:17:23,709 --> 00:17:27,213 JOKER: Catwoman, ladies and gentlemen. Let's hear it for her. 219 00:17:27,505 --> 00:17:28,714 (HIGH VOLTAGE BUZZING) 220 00:17:30,049 --> 00:17:31,467 (HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER) 221 00:17:32,885 --> 00:17:34,095 (EXPLOSION) 222 00:17:36,138 --> 00:17:37,348 TWO-FACE: Almost got him. 223 00:17:37,848 --> 00:17:40,977 Yes, if not for that infatuated feline. 224 00:17:41,561 --> 00:17:44,939 Oh, but that's the best part. Once the chair went up, 225 00:17:45,231 --> 00:17:47,650 I was out of there tout de suite. 226 00:17:47,733 --> 00:17:48,734 (LAUGHS) 227 00:17:53,364 --> 00:17:54,532 (JOKER EXCLAIMS) 228 00:17:54,907 --> 00:17:57,910 Miss Kitty still wanted to play cat-and-mouse, 229 00:17:58,202 --> 00:18:01,664 never dreaming I still had an ace up my sleeve. 230 00:18:02,039 --> 00:18:03,040 - (THUDS) - (GASPING) 231 00:18:09,964 --> 00:18:14,093 And by golly, speaking of aces, looky here. 232 00:18:14,885 --> 00:18:17,888 TWO-FACE: I can't believe his luck. KILLER CROC: Oh, darn. 233 00:18:19,056 --> 00:18:20,683 PENGUIN: Let me see those cards. 234 00:18:23,811 --> 00:18:27,481 Now, now, no sore losers. (CHUCKLES) 235 00:18:28,149 --> 00:18:29,817 Hey, I don't get it. 236 00:18:29,942 --> 00:18:32,653 You just knocked out Catwoman and left her? 237 00:18:32,903 --> 00:18:34,780 Oh, come on, Crackers, 238 00:18:35,031 --> 00:18:38,075 didn't I say there's more than one way to "get someone"? 239 00:18:38,326 --> 00:18:39,744 Even as I speak, 240 00:18:39,869 --> 00:18:44,373 Catwoman is being trussed up at the Pussykins Pet Food factory. 241 00:18:44,790 --> 00:18:50,129 First thing tomorrow, I'm sending a lovely case of cat food to Batman. 242 00:18:50,588 --> 00:18:51,922 (LAUGHING MAN IACALLY) 243 00:18:54,425 --> 00:18:55,718 BATMAN: I don't think so. 244 00:18:57,386 --> 00:18:58,638 (JOKER GROANING) 245 00:19:03,601 --> 00:19:06,979 Was it something I said? (CHUCKLES) 246 00:19:12,068 --> 00:19:15,112 PENGUIN: Well, well. An impostor in our midst. 247 00:19:15,613 --> 00:19:18,407 Risking everything for your kitty, Batman? 248 00:19:18,866 --> 00:19:20,660 You're not getting out of this one. 249 00:19:21,410 --> 00:19:22,953 Maybe. (SNAPS) 250 00:19:23,329 --> 00:19:25,331 (GUNS COCKING) 251 00:19:33,714 --> 00:19:36,467 But I'm not bad with traps myself. 252 00:19:50,231 --> 00:19:51,607 (CATWOMAN SNARLING) 253 00:19:55,027 --> 00:19:58,364 I had a kitty once. You know, they don't always land on their feet. 254 00:19:58,656 --> 00:19:59,782 (GROWLS) 255 00:20:00,366 --> 00:20:01,659 Look on the bright side. 256 00:20:01,867 --> 00:20:04,662 Tomorrow, you'll be feeding hundreds of hungry cats. 257 00:20:04,870 --> 00:20:07,998 The fun starts as soon as Mr. J comes back. 258 00:20:08,749 --> 00:20:09,792 BATMAN: Don't wait up. 259 00:20:12,336 --> 00:20:13,337 (HARLEY GASPS) 260 00:20:15,214 --> 00:20:20,094 Back off, Bats, or say "ciao" to your girlfriend. Cat chow, that is. 261 00:20:21,470 --> 00:20:22,972 That's a good little rodent. 262 00:20:23,055 --> 00:20:25,141 And just to make sure you don't follow me... 263 00:20:25,516 --> 00:20:26,684 (MACHINE WHIRRING) 264 00:20:28,561 --> 00:20:30,104 (CATWOMAN STRUGGLING) 265 00:20:40,114 --> 00:20:44,076 Gee, Batman, what you gonna do, kick me around or save your kitten? 266 00:20:46,620 --> 00:20:48,622 You've only got time for one. 267 00:20:58,632 --> 00:21:01,635 (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) Good call. Help. 268 00:21:10,186 --> 00:21:11,979 CATWOMAN: Thanks for coming after me. 269 00:21:12,313 --> 00:21:13,355 BATMAN: I owed you. 270 00:21:14,064 --> 00:21:15,858 Well, I'd like to think our relationship 271 00:21:15,941 --> 00:21:19,445 isn't just restricted to saving each other from freaks and weirdos. 272 00:21:19,737 --> 00:21:22,823 And that maybe we'd have a place for each other without Gotham, 273 00:21:23,240 --> 00:21:24,241 without the freaks. 274 00:21:24,784 --> 00:21:27,161 Maybe without masks. 275 00:21:27,912 --> 00:21:28,913 Maybe. 276 00:21:29,371 --> 00:21:30,706 (SIREN BLARING) 277 00:21:31,832 --> 00:21:32,833 (CLOAK FLAPPING) 278 00:21:42,301 --> 00:21:44,303 Hmm. Almost got 'im. 279 00:21:52,770 --> 00:21:54,772 (THEME MUSIC PLAYING) 280 00:22:18,504 --> 00:22:19,505 English - SDH