(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
(HORNS HONKING)
RADIO ANNOUNCER: has escaped today.
He is armed and considered extremely dangerous. If seen...
Oh, swell. Some nut makes trouble, and for that, they preempt the ballgame.
Perfect ending to an awful day.
Boss turns me down for a raise,
our kid needs braces,
and Bonnie's making meatloaf for dinner.
(SIGHS)
At what point exactly did I become life's punching bag?
(POLICE SIRENS WAILING)
Huh?
What's their hurry?
(TIRES SCREECHING)
Sheesh.
Go on, push me aside, big shot.
No reason anyone should move over and make way for Charlie Collins.
- Hey! - (TIRES SCREECHING)
Oh, that's it. No signal, no nothing.
Just treat me like I don't exist.
Sorry, comrade. Not this time.
(TIRES SCREECHING, ENGINE REVVING)
Hey, buddy.
Yeah, I'm talking to you, clown.
You think you own the whole road?
Why, for two cents, I'd...
Huh?
(GASPS)
(CHUCKLES)
That was The Joker.
I cussed out The Joker.
Oh.
(TIRES SCREECHING)
(EXCLAIMING)
Where'd all the cops go?
(EXHALES)
(GASPS)
(TIRES SCREECHING)
GO, Q9, go'
- Come on, come on. - (ENGINE SPUTTERING)
(PANTING)
(GASPS)
There's your two cents.
Now, what are you going to do to me?
Listen, I'm sorry, really.
I had a bad day.
Boss turned down my raise and...
Now, look, my rude friend.
We can't have people cursing at each other on the freeway.
It's simply not polite.
Ahh!
I'm just going to have to teach you some manners.
Please don't.
I have a family.
A wife, a little boy. Please.
I'll do anything to make it up.
Anything-
"ATE/thing," Says you?
Uh-huh.
Okey-dokey.
Wallet.
Sure. I don't have much cash.
Oh, please. Don't insult me.
"Charles Michael Collins." That's you. (CLICKING TONGUE)
Lousy picture, though.
Lousy.
"Address, height, weight." Blah, blah, blah.
Righty-o, Chuckers.
Here's the deal.
I'll let you off,
if you promise to do a little favor for me.
Okay. What?
I don't know!
I haven't thought of it yet.
You just toddle on back to your mundane, meaningless little life,
and when I need you, I'll call.
Fair?
Good. Great!
I'll be in touch.
(JOKER LAUGHING)
GORDON: It's a waste of time, money and manpower.
If I had the authority to block it, I would.
Come on, Commissioner.
It's free eats, and you get your picture in the paper.
It's a good deal.
"Testimonial in honor of Police Commissioner, James Gordon."
"Tuesday night, the Gotham Peregrinators Club."
Blasted waste of time.
BATMAN: Most of the force would disagree with you.
(SCOFFS) If anyone should be getting a testimonial, it's you.
I'm just the night shift.
You deal with this mess 24 hours a day.
That's what those people want to honor.
Okay, okay. What the heck.
It's a fancy club, good food.
Could be fun.
You don't know where I can rent a tux, do you?
(wmn WHISTLING)
I hate it when he does that.
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
I arranged another early parole,
as soon as I heard about Gordon's testimonial.
Phoo!
It is to laugh, huh, Mr. J?
I ask you, Harley,
who's given more hours of amusement to the Gotham Police Force than me?
No one, Mr. J.
I deserve...
Nay. Demand the right to honor our dear commissioner as well.
Hear, hear.
(WHISTLING)
Huh?
Oh!
Gonna call in a specialist, boss?
No, no.
Just an old friend,
who's dying to do me a favor. (LAUGHING)
(GRUNTS) Good one, Kenny.
Go out for a long bomb.
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
I got it.
Hello?
JOKER: Hello, Charlie.
Wrong number, pal.
My name is Don.
Oh, n0, no, no.
This is the right number, Charles Michael Collins.
I don't know why you changed your name to Don Wallace
and moved your family to 12 Marigold Lane,
Springdale, Ohio.
One might think you were trying to skip out on our little deal.
Leave the sideburns.
How did you find me?
Oh, I never lost you, Chaz.
You've become my hobby.
(LAUGHING)
Now, listen up, Charlie Brown.
You're booked on the next flight to Gotham.
Tell the family you have to visit a sick friend.
Oh, and let's keep this to ourselves, okay?
Bad things happen to people who gossip.
Capisce, Carlo?
Yeah.
Good. See you.
ANNOUNCER: (ON PA) Gotham Air flight 32, now arriving from Springdale.
CHARLIE: This is crazy.
I can't believe I'm doing this.
If only I had some way to,
I don't know, call him.
Hi!
The car is this way, Charlie.
Jumping Jiminy Christmas!
Charlie Collins!
It's been forever.
How are you, man?
You look great.
Lost a little weight.
Lost a little hair, too. (LAUGHS)
Oh, Charlie.
Charlie, Charlie, Charlie.
So, ready to do me that little favor?
Please, don't make me hurt anyone.
Not to worry, Chuckers.
As soon as you've done my favor...
I'll send you right back home.
I promise.
Okay, Chaz.
When Harley knocks on the door three times, you open it.
- And? - That's it.
Wait. That's the favor?
You called me here just to open a door?
Well, look at the size of that cake, man!
She can't open the door and push it in all at once!
Think!
He is nuts.
Not bad.
(BURPS LOUDLY)
(SLURPS LOUDLY)
Congratulations, Jim.
I'm sorry I won't be able to stay for dinner.
Hmm. The life of a busy socialite.
Any way I could sneak out with you?
CHARLIE: A room filled with cops, and no way to warn them.
If there were just some way to call Batman.
Oh... No way.
It'd never work.
Not in a million...
Well, maybe.
(WHIRRING)
Not staying for dinner, sir?
Not with The Joker on the loose.
Sir, I believe you may be needed inside.
Huh?
GORDON: I'm honored that Gotham's finest turned out to rub elbows
with this tired old beat cop.
You eating that roll, Montoya?
I'm really, very touched.
(KNOCKING)
- And I'll conclude by saying... - (WHISTLING)
Don't stop now, Jimmy.
The party's just starting!
Baby doll. Entertainment.
Hey, sugar.
You want to read me my rights?
You have the right to remain silent.
(SCREAMING)
Jerk.
Oh.
(PEOPLE MURMURING)
(CLEARS THROAT)
Here's to Gotham's Commissioner G.
You lock up the weirdos, the crooks and the geeks.
You're a hero to all the boys in blue.
But this time, baby,
the joke's on you.
(WHISTLING)
(PEOPLE SCREAMING)
(couemue)
(PARTY HORN BLOWS)
Yes!
Another stunning Joker entrance leaves the crowd speechless.
Let's hear it for him, folks.
(CHEERING)
(WHOOPING)
Gee! Tough audience.
Commissioner!
I'm here to present you with a small token of affection,
from me and all the guys doing 25 to life.
Wear it in good health,
all remaining 59 seconds of it.
Toodles. (LAUGHING)
Wait. You promised to send me home.
I never said alive.
You dirty, evil...
(GRUNTS)
Sayonara, sucker.
(JOKER LAUGHING)
Batman!
The commissioner's medal, it's a bomb!
Guess I'll need a new hobby, now that old Charlie is... Pfft!
Macramé's nice.
(EXPLOSION)
That came from outside!
Rocko! Henshaw!
I smell a bat!
Quick! To the van!
Uh, Mr. J.
Okay. We'll tough it out here.
He called you his hobby?
Yeah.
For two years, he watched me like a bug in a jar.
Watched and laughed, and threatened my family.
I had no choice, Batman, really.
(ALL GROANING AND COUGHING)
The gas is wearing off.
Stay with the cops.
(GRUNTS)
(YELLING)
(GRUNTS)
(METALLIC CLANGING)
(GASPS)
I know. You're thinking,
"What a shame."
"A pure, innocent little thing like her"
"led astray by bad companions."
Right. Tell me another.
Oi! Beauty school is starting to look pretty good about now.
(JOKER LAUGHING)
Ingenious, the way they reconstructed this temple.
Completely accurate,
right down to the poison-tipped darts.
(GASPS)
The drop-away floor is a nice touch, too. Hah!
(JOKER GRUNTS)
(SHUDDERS)
Catch! (LAUGHING)
Hold it!
Oh, come on! (CHUCKLES)
I said, hold it!
(GRUNTS)
You miserable little nobody!
If I get caught, your wife and son are history!
You're not getting caught, not this time.
I found this blown out of the van.
This is how it ends, Joker.
No big schemes,
no grand fight to the finish with the Dark Knight.
Tomorrow, all the papers will say,
"Is that the great Joker was found blown to bits in an alley,"
"alongside a miserable little nobody?"
Kind of funny. Ironic, really.
See, I can destroy a man's dreams, too.
And that's really the only dream you've got, isn't it?
Look, Charlie. You've had a busy day.
All this running around,
all this excitement with... (SHOUTS) ...Batman!
Stop. You're crazy.
I had a good teacher. (LAUGHS)
Say good night, Gracie.
No!
Batman! Batman!
How long have you been there?
Long enough.
Put it down, Charlie.
You know he'll just escape again.
This is the only way my family stays safe.
All right. You win. Take it easy.
Here's everything on his blasted family. Names, addresses, it's all there.
You're no fun anymore, Charlie.
Hey, Joker.
(GASPS, SCREAMS)
Huh?
Gotcha.
(CHUCKLES)
Oh. Very funny. A million laughs.
Go home, Mr. Collins.
Home. I never thought that could sound so good.
Wonder what Bonnie's making for dinner.
Right now, anything would taste great.
Even meatloaf.
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
English - SDH