1
00:00:03,670 --> 00:00:06,216
MURPHY [OVER MONITOR]:
Time and tide, they wait for no man.
2
00:00:06,240 --> 00:00:08,251
Nor do I, Mr. Tunt. Nor do I.
3
00:00:08,275 --> 00:00:09,853
And unless my demands are met,
4
00:00:09,877 --> 00:00:11,488
I will launch my
nerve gas missiles
5
00:00:11,512 --> 00:00:14,191
on New York,
Washington and Miami
6
00:00:14,215 --> 00:00:17,494
in 11 hours and... Oh,
look at that, 11 minutes.
7
00:00:17,518 --> 00:00:20,446
Hey, make a wish.
Uh, I wish you wouldn't
8
00:00:20,470 --> 00:00:23,450
launch nerve gas missiles
on New York, Washington...
9
00:00:23,474 --> 00:00:26,152
And I wish you fools would
stop destroying the oceans.
10
00:00:26,176 --> 00:00:27,954
Overfishing, industrial runoff.
11
00:00:27,978 --> 00:00:29,556
Don't even get me
started on whaling.
12
00:00:29,580 --> 00:00:31,675
Oh, and plastic bottles?
13
00:00:31,699 --> 00:00:33,109
That's... I can't even...
14
00:00:33,133 --> 00:00:36,079
There is a floating mass
of garbage in the Pacific
15
00:00:36,103 --> 00:00:38,347
twice the size of
the United States.
16
00:00:38,371 --> 00:00:40,934
Oh, and where the hell is
the news crew I asked for?
17
00:00:40,958 --> 00:00:42,436
Uh, with me.
18
00:00:42,460 --> 00:00:43,737
And with your permission,
19
00:00:43,761 --> 00:00:45,605
I'm sending them
down in the DSV.
20
00:00:45,629 --> 00:00:46,973
Good, yes.
21
00:00:46,997 --> 00:00:48,541
I need to get my
message to the world.
22
00:00:48,565 --> 00:00:50,427
Who'd you get? Oprah?
23
00:00:50,451 --> 00:00:52,029
Bigger. You know...
24
00:00:52,053 --> 00:00:54,114
Hello? Is that her?
25
00:00:54,138 --> 00:00:56,283
I... Oh, right, he can't see us.
26
00:00:56,307 --> 00:00:59,853
Which has really got me nettled!
27
00:00:59,877 --> 00:01:01,721
All right, Mr. Tunt,
send them down.
28
00:01:01,745 --> 00:01:05,814
But if this is some
sort of ruse...
29
00:01:07,318 --> 00:01:09,996
Are... Was there
a follow-up or...?
30
00:01:10,020 --> 00:01:11,498
No, I was leaving
the consequences
31
00:01:11,522 --> 00:01:12,699
to your imagination.
32
00:01:12,723 --> 00:01:14,734
But trust me, they are grave.
33
00:01:14,758 --> 00:01:16,920
As in watery grave?
34
00:01:16,944 --> 00:01:18,788
I... Sealab out.
35
00:01:18,812 --> 00:01:22,509
Goddamn it! Off! Unh!
36
00:01:22,533 --> 00:01:24,845
So I have a question...
37
00:01:24,869 --> 00:01:26,847
How are none of these a minibar?
38
00:01:26,871 --> 00:01:29,182
Oh, my God, I know
what you mean. Right?
39
00:01:29,206 --> 00:01:33,353
I mean, it is a giant floating
biodiesel-powered hotel room.
40
00:01:33,377 --> 00:01:35,355
Don't get snotty with me, missy.
41
00:01:35,379 --> 00:01:37,757
You people lure us out
here to help the government
42
00:01:37,781 --> 00:01:39,092
recover a hydrogen bomb...
43
00:01:39,116 --> 00:01:41,561
Which, let's be honest, you
were gonna hold for ransom.
44
00:01:41,585 --> 00:01:42,996
Reward.
45
00:01:43,020 --> 00:01:45,398
When the whole time you
knew this crazy Murphy character
46
00:01:45,422 --> 00:01:47,467
was gonna bomb New
York with nerve gas?
47
00:01:47,491 --> 00:01:49,769
Well... Not to mention
D.C. and Miami.
48
00:01:49,793 --> 00:01:51,588
Which no one who
matters will miss.
49
00:01:51,612 --> 00:01:53,457
What about your
South Beach condo?
50
00:01:53,481 --> 00:01:55,859
Hello. Florida real
estate collapse.
51
00:01:55,883 --> 00:01:57,928
It's farther underwater
than Sealab.
52
00:01:57,952 --> 00:02:01,264
But if my homeowner's policy
covers nerve gas attacks,
53
00:02:01,288 --> 00:02:03,482
that's a win-win. Wow.
54
00:02:03,506 --> 00:02:04,885
So my question,
55
00:02:04,909 --> 00:02:07,620
ignoring the obvious one of
why an ocean research lab
56
00:02:07,644 --> 00:02:11,224
has nerve gas missiles
in the first place, ahem,
57
00:02:11,248 --> 00:02:13,326
is how many men
does Murphy have?
58
00:02:13,350 --> 00:02:16,096
Mm, like two? Oh, then...
59
00:02:16,120 --> 00:02:17,364
Score.
60
00:02:17,388 --> 00:02:21,734
Two score, so around 40.
Sorry, should have finished my...
61
00:02:21,758 --> 00:02:25,305
So, since we're talking
about 40 hostiles,
62
00:02:25,329 --> 00:02:26,773
I have a follow-up question.
63
00:02:26,797 --> 00:02:29,876
Something something danger zone?
64
00:02:29,900 --> 00:02:31,010
Ugh.
65
00:02:31,034 --> 00:02:32,512
I know, I'm not
even trying anymore.
66
00:02:32,536 --> 00:02:33,747
Archer... Nope.
67
00:02:33,771 --> 00:02:36,416
Randy. I'm camera dude Randy,
68
00:02:36,440 --> 00:02:38,985
and this pathetic,
trout-shouldered excuse
69
00:02:39,009 --> 00:02:40,887
for a boom operator is Chet.
70
00:02:40,911 --> 00:02:43,490
Shut up. What's
pathetic is your plan.
71
00:02:43,514 --> 00:02:45,976
Heh. Wait, you
have an actual plan?
72
00:02:46,000 --> 00:02:47,310
Duh, yes, Lana.
73
00:02:47,334 --> 00:02:49,745
So obviously they're gonna
search us for weapons
74
00:02:49,769 --> 00:02:51,731
when we get down there, so...
75
00:02:51,755 --> 00:02:53,150
Wait, what?
76
00:02:53,174 --> 00:02:55,485
Something else danger zone.
77
00:02:55,509 --> 00:02:57,187
Get Murphy alone,
get him at gunpoint,
78
00:02:57,211 --> 00:02:58,989
and make him
disarm the missiles.
79
00:02:59,013 --> 00:03:01,257
That might actually
work. Of course.
80
00:03:01,281 --> 00:03:03,693
I've thought through
every aspect of the mission.
81
00:03:03,717 --> 00:03:06,329
Hence those ridiculous
fake mustaches,
82
00:03:06,353 --> 00:03:08,264
since Murphy's
never seen you before
83
00:03:08,288 --> 00:03:09,732
and has no idea
what you look like?
84
00:03:09,756 --> 00:03:12,118
Goddamn it, Archer!
85
00:03:12,142 --> 00:03:13,703
No, that was just an experiment.
86
00:03:13,727 --> 00:03:16,038
I wanted to see if Ray
looked gayer without his.
87
00:03:16,062 --> 00:03:17,440
You know... But you don't.
88
00:03:17,464 --> 00:03:20,577
You just look as gay.
89
00:03:20,601 --> 00:03:22,262
Boop.
90
00:03:22,286 --> 00:03:24,235
[♪♪♪]
91
00:03:57,538 --> 00:03:59,282
TIFFY: Sea Tunt to DSV Goddess.
92
00:03:59,306 --> 00:04:01,668
Wait for my command
to disengage the coupler.
93
00:04:01,692 --> 00:04:03,736
LANA: Roger, Sea Tunt.
On your... ARCHER: Nope.
94
00:04:03,760 --> 00:04:05,855
Lana, move, I'm
skippering. LANA: Hey.
95
00:04:05,879 --> 00:04:07,857
ARCHER: I'm skippering.
CYRIL: No. Archer.
96
00:04:07,881 --> 00:04:09,463
[ALL SCREAM]
97
00:04:11,252 --> 00:04:14,314
Huh. Mildly inauspicious.
98
00:04:14,338 --> 00:04:15,615
LANA: Asshole!
99
00:04:15,639 --> 00:04:17,684
ARCHER: What, Lana?
I clearly called skipper.
100
00:04:17,708 --> 00:04:19,952
And I clearly said, "Seatbelts,"
101
00:04:19,976 --> 00:04:22,472
so you only have
yourselves to blame.
102
00:04:22,496 --> 00:04:24,574
Really? Jesus, Ray.
103
00:04:24,598 --> 00:04:26,076
Your nose is broken. Really?
104
00:04:26,100 --> 00:04:27,944
Cyril, gear bag. First aid kit.
105
00:04:27,968 --> 00:04:30,046
Just give him a couple tampons.
106
00:04:30,070 --> 00:04:31,814
What, that's their job. Really?
107
00:04:31,838 --> 00:04:33,083
Just give him some tam...
108
00:04:33,107 --> 00:04:34,334
I don't have any.
109
00:04:34,358 --> 00:04:36,586
Do you think that was wise?
110
00:04:36,610 --> 00:04:37,671
Meaning?
111
00:04:37,695 --> 00:04:39,139
Well, I'm just assuming.
112
00:04:39,163 --> 00:04:41,007
Your breasts are
slightly bigger, you're...
113
00:04:41,031 --> 00:04:42,809
Shut your stupid
mustachey dickhole
114
00:04:42,833 --> 00:04:45,027
and drive the goddamn submarine!
115
00:04:45,051 --> 00:04:46,996
Slightly irritable?
116
00:04:47,020 --> 00:04:48,598
CHERYL: Shut up!
117
00:04:48,622 --> 00:04:50,717
Jesus! Will you drop it?
118
00:04:50,741 --> 00:04:51,984
He tried to have me committed
119
00:04:52,008 --> 00:04:53,786
so he could steal
my inheritance!
120
00:04:53,810 --> 00:04:55,889
I hate him. I'm never
speaking to him again.
121
00:04:55,913 --> 00:04:58,424
But... Okay, granted,
that was super shitty.
122
00:04:58,448 --> 00:05:00,593
But trust me, you don't
wanna go through life
123
00:05:00,617 --> 00:05:01,928
hating your only sibling.
124
00:05:01,952 --> 00:05:03,146
Take my sister, Edie.
125
00:05:03,170 --> 00:05:05,649
Ah, ha, ha. You have a sister?
126
00:05:05,673 --> 00:05:07,083
Edie. Yes, shut up.
127
00:05:07,107 --> 00:05:09,418
And when we were kids,
she was so mean to me.
128
00:05:09,442 --> 00:05:11,755
Always teasing me,
calling me Spamela,
129
00:05:11,779 --> 00:05:13,422
rubbing cheese curds in my eyes.
130
00:05:13,446 --> 00:05:15,325
One time, she
stabbed me in the neck.
131
00:05:15,349 --> 00:05:17,744
So now you guys
are super close or...?
132
00:05:17,768 --> 00:05:20,646
Hell, no. I wouldn't piss
on her neck-stabbing ass
133
00:05:20,670 --> 00:05:21,814
if it was on fire.
134
00:05:21,838 --> 00:05:23,917
Ugh. Is this the infamous Edie?
135
00:05:23,941 --> 00:05:25,818
Pam thinks I
should forgive Cecil
136
00:05:25,842 --> 00:05:27,504
since he's the only
family I have left.
137
00:05:27,528 --> 00:05:29,672
Who could forgive a person
who buys a boat this big
138
00:05:29,696 --> 00:05:31,174
with no bar on it?
139
00:05:31,198 --> 00:05:33,309
Uh, there was a ton of
booze on the helicopter.
140
00:05:33,333 --> 00:05:35,228
Exactly, was.
141
00:05:35,252 --> 00:05:36,896
ARCHER: Yeah,
sorry, I had to ditch it.
142
00:05:36,920 --> 00:05:38,964
Well, yeah, who
needs a first aid kit
143
00:05:38,988 --> 00:05:40,650
when you've got
10 gallons of booze?
144
00:05:40,674 --> 00:05:42,485
Three and three-fifths
gallons, Cyril.
145
00:05:42,509 --> 00:05:44,954
And I counted them,
so keep your mitts off.
146
00:05:44,978 --> 00:05:47,240
Except to pass me
one up here, but...
147
00:05:47,264 --> 00:05:49,826
Oh, great. The
world's first DSVUI.
148
00:05:49,850 --> 00:05:51,160
May I finish?
149
00:05:51,184 --> 00:05:53,730
But since I have zero experience
skippering submersibles,
150
00:05:53,754 --> 00:05:56,132
I should probably
have something light.
151
00:05:56,156 --> 00:05:59,703
So, Cyril, I'm thinking,
um, coffee liqueur?
152
00:05:59,727 --> 00:06:02,672
I mean, not even cooking sherry?
153
00:06:02,696 --> 00:06:04,641
I got some Kentucky
Moon in my... Ooh, give me.
154
00:06:04,665 --> 00:06:07,177
Da-da-da-da. You
drink it, you replace it.
155
00:06:07,201 --> 00:06:09,979
Grain alcohol is a key
component of a good bug-out bag.
156
00:06:10,003 --> 00:06:11,181
A what?
157
00:06:11,205 --> 00:06:14,601
Bug-out bag? Oh, my
God, for TEOTWAWKI?
158
00:06:14,625 --> 00:06:16,002
The bear from Star Wars?
159
00:06:16,026 --> 00:06:18,471
"The end of the
world as we know it."
160
00:06:18,495 --> 00:06:21,358
Heh. Pam's, like,
gay for doomsday.
161
00:06:21,382 --> 00:06:24,093
She thinks our whole
society is gonna collapse
162
00:06:24,117 --> 00:06:26,312
if we run out of
oil or whatever.
163
00:06:26,336 --> 00:06:28,380
"If"? You mean "when."
164
00:06:28,404 --> 00:06:30,850
Wow. And that is
a perfect example
165
00:06:30,874 --> 00:06:33,186
of a pre-post-peak-oil mindset.
166
00:06:33,210 --> 00:06:34,854
The...
167
00:06:34,878 --> 00:06:36,206
Ahh.
168
00:06:36,230 --> 00:06:37,840
Say, this stuff is pretty good.
169
00:06:37,864 --> 00:06:39,376
What did you say it was?
170
00:06:39,400 --> 00:06:41,344
Basically pure ethanol. Huh.
171
00:06:41,368 --> 00:06:43,212
Well, God bless corn subsidies.
172
00:06:43,236 --> 00:06:45,648
Who are you, Earl Butz?
173
00:06:45,672 --> 00:06:47,751
You say that like
it's a bad thing.
174
00:06:47,775 --> 00:06:49,919
ARCHER: Oh, for
the... I said I was sorry.
175
00:06:49,943 --> 00:06:51,554
CYRIL: No, you didn't.
176
00:06:51,578 --> 00:06:53,306
Oh. Well, I was planning to.
177
00:06:53,330 --> 00:06:55,241
Oh, well, then no
hard feelings. Good.
178
00:06:55,265 --> 00:06:57,376
Because your shitty
sarcasm notwithstanding,
179
00:06:57,400 --> 00:06:58,845
I'm glad that's behind us,
180
00:06:58,869 --> 00:07:01,347
so we can enjoy what is
probably a once-in-a-lifetime ad...
181
00:07:01,371 --> 00:07:02,548
[LANA VOMITS]
182
00:07:02,572 --> 00:07:04,884
venture. Again? Seriously?
183
00:07:04,908 --> 00:07:06,385
Why are you puking so much?
184
00:07:06,409 --> 00:07:08,221
Ugh. Because shut up and steer.
185
00:07:08,245 --> 00:07:10,023
Here, take a pull off this guy.
186
00:07:10,047 --> 00:07:12,025
No! For like the ninth time, no!
187
00:07:12,049 --> 00:07:14,093
Yes, come on, it'll
take the edge off.
188
00:07:14,117 --> 00:07:15,895
And I think I speak
for everybody...
189
00:07:15,919 --> 00:07:17,696
GILLETTE & CYRIL:
No, you don't. Shut up.
190
00:07:17,720 --> 00:07:20,450
When I say we'd all be a
lot happier if you weren't so...
191
00:07:20,474 --> 00:07:21,818
What, anxious?
192
00:07:21,842 --> 00:07:25,421
About a half-drunk-first-time
driving-a-submarine idiot
193
00:07:25,445 --> 00:07:27,056
taking me to the
bottom of the ocean
194
00:07:27,080 --> 00:07:30,326
to face 40 eco-terrorists
led by a crazy person
195
00:07:30,350 --> 00:07:33,963
who's about to bomb the entire
East Coast with nerve gas?
196
00:07:33,987 --> 00:07:36,165
I was gonna say... What?
197
00:07:36,189 --> 00:07:38,435
What were you gonna say?
198
00:07:38,459 --> 00:07:40,904
They're going to say
that I've gone insane,
199
00:07:40,928 --> 00:07:42,972
heh, that I've lost my mind.
200
00:07:42,996 --> 00:07:45,775
And that's fine, let them.
201
00:07:45,799 --> 00:07:48,445
Because the real
insanity is the systematic...
202
00:07:48,469 --> 00:07:50,279
My God, the almost
deliberate way
203
00:07:50,303 --> 00:07:53,149
those bastards are
destroying our oceans.
204
00:07:53,173 --> 00:07:54,617
And I hate that
it's come to this,
205
00:07:54,641 --> 00:07:57,086
but I truly don't
see an alternative.
206
00:07:57,110 --> 00:07:59,823
So you all know
what you have to do
207
00:07:59,847 --> 00:08:02,492
and I know you won't fail me.
208
00:08:02,516 --> 00:08:04,627
Nor I you, gentlemen.
209
00:08:04,651 --> 00:08:06,951
Nor I you.
210
00:08:08,087 --> 00:08:11,634
I was gonna say
bitchy and period-y.
211
00:08:11,658 --> 00:08:14,637
But then I thought better of it.
212
00:08:14,661 --> 00:08:16,394
Boop.
213
00:08:19,499 --> 00:08:21,677
ARCHER: Okay,
we're getting close.
214
00:08:21,701 --> 00:08:23,930
Let's go over the
legends again. Lana?
215
00:08:23,954 --> 00:08:26,465
I am tough-but-fair
investigative reporter
216
00:08:26,489 --> 00:08:27,666
Sojourner King.
217
00:08:27,690 --> 00:08:30,353
Which... Ugh.
Whatever. Uh, Cyril?
218
00:08:30,377 --> 00:08:31,554
[SIGHS]
219
00:08:31,578 --> 00:08:33,056
Chet, sound guy.
220
00:08:33,080 --> 00:08:35,791
That's it? Come on, Chet.
The devil's in the details.
221
00:08:35,815 --> 00:08:39,229
Like, I'm Randy Magnum,
local Emmy-winning cameraman
222
00:08:39,253 --> 00:08:41,531
and nationally
ranked pro kitesurfer.
223
00:08:41,555 --> 00:08:43,633
No, you're not. Well,
Randy Magnum is.
224
00:08:43,657 --> 00:08:44,683
Ray, go.
225
00:08:44,707 --> 00:08:46,585
I am segment
producer Carl Channing.
226
00:08:46,609 --> 00:08:47,803
Oh, my God. Come on.
227
00:08:47,827 --> 00:08:50,073
And... What's Randy
Magnum ranked?
228
00:08:50,097 --> 00:08:52,775
Fourth. And third-ranked
pro kitesurfer.
229
00:08:52,799 --> 00:08:53,977
What? No, you're not.
230
00:08:54,001 --> 00:08:55,295
Carl Channing is.
231
00:08:55,319 --> 00:08:57,297
Nobody is a nationally
ranked anything.
232
00:08:57,321 --> 00:08:59,732
That is the worst legend
you could possibly have.
233
00:08:59,756 --> 00:09:02,635
It would literally take 10
seconds to check it out.
234
00:09:02,659 --> 00:09:06,005
Yeah, Carl. Okay,
shut up, there it is.
235
00:09:06,029 --> 00:09:10,059
CYRIL: Jeezy Petes,
that thing is huge.
236
00:09:10,083 --> 00:09:11,895
Sealab to DSV,
over. LANA: This is...
237
00:09:11,919 --> 00:09:13,563
This is DSV. I'm skippering.
238
00:09:13,587 --> 00:09:15,565
Um, okay. You
sound pretty excited.
239
00:09:15,589 --> 00:09:17,817
Heh. I am, actually.
It's my first time.
240
00:09:17,841 --> 00:09:19,334
Hey, super.
241
00:09:19,358 --> 00:09:21,988
You're clear to dock,
so just head for the lights.
242
00:09:22,012 --> 00:09:24,374
And I'll be waiting for you.
243
00:09:24,398 --> 00:09:27,410
Was that...? Did
he sound like...?
244
00:09:27,434 --> 00:09:29,078
Do you think this is
some kind of a trap?
245
00:09:29,102 --> 00:09:32,615
Heh. What? No, I
don't think it's a trap.
246
00:09:32,639 --> 00:09:34,334
Although I never do.
247
00:09:34,358 --> 00:09:36,719
And it very often is.
248
00:09:36,743 --> 00:09:38,854
LANA: And that's how they died.
249
00:09:38,878 --> 00:09:40,924
ARCHER: Heh, heh. Right?
250
00:09:40,948 --> 00:09:42,325
MALORY: A little peach juice,
251
00:09:42,349 --> 00:09:45,895
a little of that old
Kentucky Moon, and boom.
252
00:09:45,919 --> 00:09:47,730
You've almost got
yourself a Bellini.
253
00:09:47,754 --> 00:09:50,149
Mmm! Holy shitsnacks.
254
00:09:50,173 --> 00:09:51,684
Well, it's no Harry's Bar,
255
00:09:51,708 --> 00:09:53,886
but here you don't have
Hemingway grabbing your tits
256
00:09:53,910 --> 00:09:56,072
every time you tu...
257
00:09:56,096 --> 00:09:58,541
Did I misread that?
258
00:09:58,565 --> 00:10:00,443
What do you think?
259
00:10:00,467 --> 00:10:02,028
No?
260
00:10:02,052 --> 00:10:04,046
MURPHY: No, my men
are guarding the missiles.
261
00:10:04,070 --> 00:10:05,715
CYRIL: Well, there
goes that plan.
262
00:10:05,739 --> 00:10:08,751
MURPHY: What plan? To
do a one-on-one interview.
263
00:10:08,775 --> 00:10:10,786
Just you alone,
with the missiles.
264
00:10:10,810 --> 00:10:12,588
No, we're doing
it on the bridge,
265
00:10:12,612 --> 00:10:13,789
I've got it all set up.
266
00:10:13,813 --> 00:10:15,190
But I really think
we should do it
267
00:10:15,214 --> 00:10:16,659
wherever the missiles are.
268
00:10:16,683 --> 00:10:18,494
To underscore the gravity of...
269
00:10:18,518 --> 00:10:20,296
MURPHY: The bridge
is where the chair is.
270
00:10:20,320 --> 00:10:21,347
LANA: But...
271
00:10:21,371 --> 00:10:22,748
The bridge is
where the chair is!
272
00:10:22,772 --> 00:10:24,050
Yeah, Sojourner.
273
00:10:24,074 --> 00:10:25,617
Thank you, uh...?
274
00:10:25,641 --> 00:10:27,971
Randy. Randy Magnum.
275
00:10:27,995 --> 00:10:30,106
I'm a local Emmy-winning
cameraman and na...
276
00:10:30,130 --> 00:10:31,307
No.
277
00:10:31,331 --> 00:10:33,509
Tionally ranked pro kitesurfer.
278
00:10:33,533 --> 00:10:35,544
Second in the nation, actually.
279
00:10:35,568 --> 00:10:38,147
Which even the most
cursory Internet search
280
00:10:38,171 --> 00:10:40,083
will corroborate. LANA
& GILLETTE: Ugh.
281
00:10:40,107 --> 00:10:41,733
I really doubt we'll
have time, Randy.
282
00:10:41,757 --> 00:10:42,935
We only have 10 hours
283
00:10:42,959 --> 00:10:45,137
before I'll be forced
to launch my missiles.
284
00:10:45,161 --> 00:10:47,874
LANA: Which are
where again, exactly?
285
00:10:47,898 --> 00:10:50,960
MALORY: You heard
me. I want $50 million.
286
00:10:50,984 --> 00:10:52,628
Pfft. Join the club. Right?
287
00:10:52,652 --> 00:10:55,164
That's how much I could've
gotten for the hydrogen bomb
288
00:10:55,188 --> 00:10:56,198
so that's how much I...
289
00:10:56,222 --> 00:10:58,251
What do you mean,
"join the club"?
290
00:10:58,275 --> 00:11:00,003
Oh. That's just an
idiom. It means...
291
00:11:00,027 --> 00:11:02,605
I know what it means,
you toboggan-wearing ass.
292
00:11:02,629 --> 00:11:03,923
Why did she say it?
293
00:11:03,947 --> 00:11:05,925
Oh. I assume
because I'm penniless?
294
00:11:05,949 --> 00:11:08,928
What? Ha-ha-ha!
295
00:11:08,952 --> 00:11:10,763
Wait, what? Ah.
296
00:11:10,787 --> 00:11:13,399
That's why I tried to get
control of your inheritance.
297
00:11:13,423 --> 00:11:15,401
And I'm sorry I did that, Beans.
298
00:11:15,425 --> 00:11:17,035
I just wanted to help people,
299
00:11:17,059 --> 00:11:19,439
but all these foundations
are so expensive.
300
00:11:19,463 --> 00:11:21,073
I know, but, Cecil.
301
00:11:21,097 --> 00:11:24,110
You really spent your whole
inheritance on the poors?
302
00:11:24,134 --> 00:11:25,777
Well, and scientific research.
303
00:11:25,801 --> 00:11:28,214
The Sealab alone
cost 200 million.
304
00:11:28,238 --> 00:11:30,282
Wh...? How did
it cost that much?
305
00:11:30,306 --> 00:11:33,252
Well, apparently they bought
a bunch of nerve gas missiles
306
00:11:33,276 --> 00:11:35,187
and hid that expense
in the budget.
307
00:11:35,211 --> 00:11:37,523
Which I never bothered to read.
308
00:11:37,547 --> 00:11:39,208
Or even look at.
309
00:11:39,232 --> 00:11:42,178
Look at this place. Such
a colossal boondoggle.
310
00:11:42,202 --> 00:11:44,013
We don't do any
research, really.
311
00:11:44,037 --> 00:11:45,214
And building it?
312
00:11:45,238 --> 00:11:48,267
I mean, the environmental
impact was just insane.
313
00:11:48,291 --> 00:11:51,070
So why did you take a job
here? To save the ocean.
314
00:11:51,094 --> 00:11:54,140
And also my salary
is $600,000 a year.
315
00:11:54,164 --> 00:11:55,624
LANA: What? GILLETTE: A year?
316
00:11:55,648 --> 00:11:57,125
I know, but don't
put that in there.
317
00:11:57,149 --> 00:11:59,628
Let me just read my
list of demands. Ahem.
318
00:11:59,652 --> 00:12:03,198
"One, a 50-year, worldwide
moratorium on all fishing.
319
00:12:03,222 --> 00:12:05,084
Two..." Sorry, did
you mean whaling?
320
00:12:05,108 --> 00:12:07,120
That's number
two, if you'll let me...
321
00:12:07,144 --> 00:12:09,054
Wait, you wanna end all fishing?
322
00:12:09,078 --> 00:12:10,406
For 50 years?
323
00:12:10,430 --> 00:12:13,042
At least. The fish
have to replenish.
324
00:12:13,066 --> 00:12:14,726
Okay, that's it,
I'm calling bullshit.
325
00:12:14,750 --> 00:12:16,162
I wanna see the missiles, now.
326
00:12:16,186 --> 00:12:17,797
What? No, you can't, you...
327
00:12:17,821 --> 00:12:20,599
You don't have any
missiles. Yes, I do.
328
00:12:20,623 --> 00:12:22,601
I've got like 50.
329
00:12:22,625 --> 00:12:24,220
Fifty. Ten?
330
00:12:24,244 --> 00:12:26,322
That's still a lot. Shut up.
331
00:12:26,346 --> 00:12:29,447
Captain Murphy, how long have
you been down here all alone?
332
00:12:30,800 --> 00:12:31,978
[SIGHS]
333
00:12:32,002 --> 00:12:33,346
Two years.
334
00:12:33,370 --> 00:12:36,399
Nobody had been paid in
months. The foundation was broke.
335
00:12:36,423 --> 00:12:38,166
Not surprising,
given your salary.
336
00:12:38,190 --> 00:12:40,035
Yeah, paid three
years in advance.
337
00:12:40,059 --> 00:12:42,237
He is the world's
worst negotiator.
338
00:12:42,261 --> 00:12:43,806
And you're...
339
00:12:43,830 --> 00:12:46,993
Sorry, but you've obviously
had some kind of psychotic break.
340
00:12:47,017 --> 00:12:48,727
So I think you should
come with us, and...
341
00:12:48,751 --> 00:12:51,114
I'm not going
anywhere. Nor are you!
342
00:12:51,138 --> 00:12:53,199
BOTH: Lana! Archer!
343
00:12:53,223 --> 00:12:54,600
Murphy!
344
00:12:54,624 --> 00:12:57,787
I... Damn it, I had something
about point-and-shoot, but...
345
00:12:57,811 --> 00:12:59,321
A gun? Are you insane?
346
00:12:59,345 --> 00:13:01,273
Don't you know how
much pressure we're under?
347
00:13:01,297 --> 00:13:03,209
Honestly, and I
don't know why this is,
348
00:13:03,233 --> 00:13:04,810
but, heh, it never
really gets to me.
349
00:13:04,834 --> 00:13:06,678
Wait, wait. I think he
means water pressure.
350
00:13:06,702 --> 00:13:08,181
And air pressure.
351
00:13:08,205 --> 00:13:10,516
Tiniest hole in the hull
would be catastrophic.
352
00:13:10,540 --> 00:13:13,102
The hole is gonna be in you.
353
00:13:13,126 --> 00:13:14,386
Archer, no! Don't shoot!
354
00:13:14,410 --> 00:13:15,938
Okay, okay, look, it's gone.
355
00:13:15,962 --> 00:13:17,690
Now, please, put the gun away.
356
00:13:17,714 --> 00:13:19,458
No, I will put on the safety.
357
00:13:19,482 --> 00:13:20,826
Which should be...
358
00:13:20,850 --> 00:13:23,946
Damn it, I wish Krieger
wouldn't do these idiot mods.
359
00:13:23,970 --> 00:13:26,637
[SCATTING TO ROCK MUSIC
PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
360
00:13:30,010 --> 00:13:32,021
Wait, yeah, that
clearly says "safe."
361
00:13:32,045 --> 00:13:34,323
And even Krieger's
not that crazy.
362
00:13:34,347 --> 00:13:37,577
Okay, now slowly
kick the knife over to...
363
00:13:37,601 --> 00:13:38,894
CYRIL: Aah! Damn it!
364
00:13:38,918 --> 00:13:39,996
Oh, my God.
365
00:13:40,020 --> 00:13:41,581
MURPHY: Okay, okay, okay.
366
00:13:41,605 --> 00:13:45,418
Uh, okay, uh, one of two
things is going to happen now.
367
00:13:45,442 --> 00:13:47,170
ARCHER: Okay.
368
00:13:47,194 --> 00:13:49,005
GILLETTE: Double dukes!
369
00:13:49,029 --> 00:13:53,476
Okay, now one of
one thing is going to...
370
00:13:53,500 --> 00:13:55,878
ALL: Aah!
371
00:13:55,902 --> 00:13:58,480
Huh. Well, now
there's no signal at all.
372
00:13:58,504 --> 00:14:00,183
Wow! Oh, my God,
373
00:14:00,207 --> 00:14:02,384
I'm having the weirdest
déjà vu right now.
374
00:14:02,408 --> 00:14:04,020
You know...
375
00:14:04,044 --> 00:14:05,621
"Here, let me
jailbreak your phone.
376
00:14:05,645 --> 00:14:07,506
"It's a totally
reversible process.
377
00:14:07,530 --> 00:14:09,864
Oh, bricked it."
378
00:14:12,018 --> 00:14:13,967
[ALL SCREAMING]
379
00:14:15,972 --> 00:14:17,867
MURPHY: Hatch! Emergency hatch!
380
00:14:17,891 --> 00:14:19,823
[ALL GRUNTING AND COUGHING]
381
00:14:20,994 --> 00:14:23,272
We don't wanna
go outside, idiot!
382
00:14:23,296 --> 00:14:24,957
It's the next pod.
383
00:14:24,981 --> 00:14:26,709
Oh. Heh. Duh!
384
00:14:26,733 --> 00:14:28,961
I'll hold it open, go. Go! Go!
385
00:14:28,985 --> 00:14:30,463
[ALL SCREAMING]
386
00:14:30,487 --> 00:14:32,447
LANA: No, no, no!
387
00:14:32,471 --> 00:14:33,883
Unh! Assholes.
388
00:14:33,907 --> 00:14:35,817
[LAUGHING AND CHEERING]
389
00:14:35,841 --> 00:14:37,937
CYRIL: Unh! Ow.
390
00:14:37,961 --> 00:14:40,005
GILLETTE: Oh, my...
Oh, I hurt my back.
391
00:14:40,029 --> 00:14:43,809
AUTOMATED VOICE: Pod
one, flooded. Pod two, flooding.
392
00:14:43,833 --> 00:14:46,979
So, what, now we
die in a break room
393
00:14:47,003 --> 00:14:48,480
I would die to have at ISIS?
394
00:14:48,504 --> 00:14:49,548
Right?
395
00:14:49,572 --> 00:14:51,005
Maybe not, if he shuts the ha...
396
00:14:53,343 --> 00:14:55,387
ALL: Oh! Aah!
397
00:14:55,411 --> 00:14:57,990
And I just refilled the cans.
398
00:14:58,014 --> 00:14:59,742
Come on, you
guys, get it off of him!
399
00:14:59,766 --> 00:15:01,444
No, no, there's no time.
400
00:15:01,468 --> 00:15:03,162
[COUGHS]
401
00:15:03,186 --> 00:15:05,131
Plus, I think the weight
of it's the only thing
402
00:15:05,155 --> 00:15:06,499
holding in my intestines.
403
00:15:06,523 --> 00:15:08,100
ALL: Ew. Save yourselves.
404
00:15:08,124 --> 00:15:11,754
Let this compartment
flood, up to that next hatch.
405
00:15:11,778 --> 00:15:14,557
Then seal it
behind you, and run.
406
00:15:14,581 --> 00:15:16,459
This is pod two.
407
00:15:16,483 --> 00:15:19,662
It's about a hundred
yards to the DSV at pod six.
408
00:15:19,686 --> 00:15:22,531
But pods three through
six are still watertight.
409
00:15:22,555 --> 00:15:24,316
[METAL GROANING]
410
00:15:24,340 --> 00:15:28,654
AUTOMATED VOICE: Pod
three, four, five, six, flooded.
411
00:15:28,678 --> 00:15:31,941
ARCHER: Come on.
Yeah, that's not ideal.
412
00:15:31,965 --> 00:15:33,442
Okay, there's...
413
00:15:33,466 --> 00:15:36,178
Wait, why did a TV
crew have a gun?
414
00:15:36,202 --> 00:15:39,031
We're not a TV
crew, we're from ISIS.
415
00:15:39,055 --> 00:15:42,201
ISIS? Jesus Christ. No
wonder this all went tits up.
416
00:15:42,225 --> 00:15:44,420
ALL: Hey! MURPHY:
Forgive my candor.
417
00:15:44,444 --> 00:15:48,624
I just felt my spleen slip
out of what was my anus.
418
00:15:48,648 --> 00:15:50,798
That locker over there, open it.
419
00:15:51,967 --> 00:15:54,180
Unh. Scuba gear.
420
00:15:54,204 --> 00:15:56,549
Dibs on best. Ooh!
Y'all, I'm not certified.
421
00:15:56,573 --> 00:15:59,151
Is that gonna be a problem?
Well, not the biggest problem.
422
00:15:59,175 --> 00:16:00,353
[LANA GASPS]
423
00:16:00,377 --> 00:16:02,772
LANA: There's only three.
424
00:16:02,796 --> 00:16:04,874
So... So one of you
is going to drown.
425
00:16:04,898 --> 00:16:06,742
Yeah, got that. Temporarily.
426
00:16:06,766 --> 00:16:09,161
ALL: What? Hundred
yards to the DSV.
427
00:16:09,185 --> 00:16:11,413
Best case, for a strong
swimmer, two minutes.
428
00:16:11,437 --> 00:16:12,881
[COUGHS]
429
00:16:12,905 --> 00:16:15,951
The water's ice cold, help
delay the brain damage.
430
00:16:15,975 --> 00:16:19,572
Use the defibrillator on
the DSV to restart the heart.
431
00:16:19,596 --> 00:16:21,207
Yeah, but whose heart?
432
00:16:21,231 --> 00:16:23,080
Weakest swimmer.
433
00:16:24,617 --> 00:16:26,879
Wh...? Oh, screw you guys.
434
00:16:26,903 --> 00:16:29,915
What... Lana, this
isn't entirely about race.
435
00:16:29,939 --> 00:16:31,133
Guys, back me up here.
436
00:16:31,157 --> 00:16:32,400
Well, I was all-county
437
00:16:32,424 --> 00:16:34,503
in the hundred meter
freestyle in tenth grade.
438
00:16:34,527 --> 00:16:35,771
And I have bionic legs.
439
00:16:35,795 --> 00:16:37,423
Plus, I'm super scared.
440
00:16:37,447 --> 00:16:38,624
Plus you're a woman?
441
00:16:38,648 --> 00:16:41,344
I... Yeah, a pregnant woman.
442
00:16:41,368 --> 00:16:42,778
Wh...?
443
00:16:42,802 --> 00:16:44,663
LANA: That's why I
haven't been drinking.
444
00:16:44,687 --> 00:16:45,931
That's why I've been puking,
445
00:16:45,955 --> 00:16:47,767
and that's why my
boobs are so huge!
446
00:16:47,791 --> 00:16:49,201
Well, I wouldn't
say huge, but...
447
00:16:49,225 --> 00:16:50,770
When were you
planning to tell me?
448
00:16:50,794 --> 00:16:52,204
[SIGHS]
449
00:16:52,228 --> 00:16:55,274
When I finally figured out
how to tell you it's not yours.
450
00:16:55,298 --> 00:16:58,176
Huh? Awkward.
451
00:16:58,200 --> 00:16:59,978
[COUGHS]
452
00:17:00,002 --> 00:17:02,414
Ignore me, sorry, I'm dying.
453
00:17:02,438 --> 00:17:05,584
Crushed by an
off-brand drink machine.
454
00:17:05,608 --> 00:17:09,154
Oh, my God, just like that
old gypsy woman said...
455
00:17:09,178 --> 00:17:10,840
[GURGLING]
456
00:17:10,864 --> 00:17:12,875
[WHIMPERING]
457
00:17:12,899 --> 00:17:14,427
Get it together.
458
00:17:14,451 --> 00:17:17,162
We both know this isn't
your first time as a cuckold.
459
00:17:17,186 --> 00:17:19,298
Or at least now we both know it.
460
00:17:19,322 --> 00:17:21,267
And for real? You're pregnant?
461
00:17:21,291 --> 00:17:23,034
Five weeks, long
story, yes, but...
462
00:17:23,058 --> 00:17:25,438
Shut up. Here. Wh...?
463
00:17:25,462 --> 00:17:26,839
But... Ray's half-robot.
464
00:17:26,863 --> 00:17:29,174
Cyril, miraculously,
is good at something,
465
00:17:29,198 --> 00:17:31,444
and Lana, you're gonna be a mom.
466
00:17:31,468 --> 00:17:34,447
Just promise me you'll
be a better one than mine.
467
00:17:34,471 --> 00:17:36,014
Because I'm worried something
468
00:17:36,038 --> 00:17:37,983
may have gone terribly
wrong down there.
469
00:17:38,007 --> 00:17:40,352
Well, if it did, we can't
do anything about it.
470
00:17:40,376 --> 00:17:42,354
And if it didn't, all
the more reason
471
00:17:42,378 --> 00:17:46,492
to drive this tub to Bermuda
for some duty-free champagne.
472
00:17:46,516 --> 00:17:49,094
Archer, that
shouldn't be that hard.
473
00:17:49,118 --> 00:17:51,964
[SHIVERING] Phrasing.
474
00:17:51,988 --> 00:17:54,533
Okay, here it comes.
You just gotta relax
475
00:17:54,557 --> 00:17:56,635
and let it go in your
mouth. Oh, God.
476
00:17:56,659 --> 00:17:58,504
Phrasing.
477
00:17:58,528 --> 00:18:00,940
Archer? Lana.
478
00:18:00,964 --> 00:18:03,931
I love you.
479
00:18:08,838 --> 00:18:10,015
I know.
480
00:18:10,039 --> 00:18:11,400
Ray, now!
481
00:18:11,424 --> 00:18:13,752
Come on, hurry! CYRIL: Move!
482
00:18:13,776 --> 00:18:15,938
Scarlet Letter O'Whora.
483
00:18:15,962 --> 00:18:18,040
Wh...? Cyril, it was a...
484
00:18:18,064 --> 00:18:19,775
Donor, you shithead.
485
00:18:19,799 --> 00:18:22,010
Come on, hang on,
Archer. Two minutes.
486
00:18:22,034 --> 00:18:25,197
Your brain can
almost spare that.
487
00:18:25,221 --> 00:18:27,265
So, hey, this may
be a weird question,
488
00:18:27,289 --> 00:18:28,834
but you know where
she's registered?
489
00:18:28,858 --> 00:18:31,269
Wh...? What do you think?
490
00:18:31,293 --> 00:18:32,755
Lana!
491
00:18:32,779 --> 00:18:33,989
Would you hurry up?
492
00:18:34,013 --> 00:18:36,324
Said the guy apparently too busy
493
00:18:36,348 --> 00:18:38,177
counting his
bionic legs to help.
494
00:18:38,201 --> 00:18:41,097
You are gonna sass
yourself right out of a car seat.
495
00:18:41,121 --> 00:18:43,099
Now, come on, hurry! LANA: Unh.
496
00:18:43,123 --> 00:18:44,900
Cyril! Get ready on the airlock!
497
00:18:44,924 --> 00:18:46,185
CYRIL: Yeah, yeah.
498
00:18:46,209 --> 00:18:48,453
Here, go, go, go!
GILLETTE: I got him. I got him!
499
00:18:48,477 --> 00:18:49,921
LANA: Cyril, now, blow it!
500
00:18:49,945 --> 00:18:52,229
CYRIL: Blow me, boom, nailed it.
501
00:18:55,701 --> 00:18:57,612
[DEFIBRILLATOR CHARGING]
502
00:18:57,636 --> 00:19:00,149
LANA: Clear. GILLETTE: Clear.
503
00:19:00,173 --> 00:19:03,084
Again. Come on,
he's dead, let it go.
504
00:19:03,108 --> 00:19:04,668
Clear. Clear.
505
00:19:06,228 --> 00:19:07,839
[HEART MONITOR BEEPS]
506
00:19:07,863 --> 00:19:09,124
LANA: Archer?
507
00:19:09,148 --> 00:19:11,410
Great. Is he...? Are you...?
508
00:19:11,434 --> 00:19:12,945
The man who cheated death?
509
00:19:12,969 --> 00:19:14,413
GILLETTE: Oh, my God. Thank God.
510
00:19:14,437 --> 00:19:15,965
Oh, my God, Archer, I can't...
511
00:19:15,989 --> 00:19:18,016
I mean, I don't even
know how to thank you.
512
00:19:18,040 --> 00:19:19,635
Well, you could
name your kid after...
513
00:19:19,659 --> 00:19:22,138
Nope. Then just get me topside.
514
00:19:22,162 --> 00:19:24,206
I need to brush Ray's
tongue out of my mouth.
515
00:19:24,230 --> 00:19:25,774
I didn't give you
mouth-to-mouth.
516
00:19:25,798 --> 00:19:27,810
Come on, admit it.
517
00:19:27,834 --> 00:19:29,678
You Frenched me,
Ray. Heh-heh-heh!
518
00:19:29,702 --> 00:19:32,347
You can lie, but
your boner can't.
519
00:19:32,371 --> 00:19:34,316
Cut it out, Archer.
520
00:19:34,340 --> 00:19:36,919
[DEFIBRILLATOR CHARGING]
ARCHER: Look at you. All blushy.
521
00:19:36,943 --> 00:19:39,509
LANA: Be careful, the
defib... [GILLETTE SCREAMS]
522
00:19:41,113 --> 00:19:43,943
So although Sealab
was destroyed...
523
00:19:43,967 --> 00:19:46,362
It was insured for
three times its value,
524
00:19:46,386 --> 00:19:47,563
so now I'm richer than ever.
525
00:19:47,587 --> 00:19:49,965
And I have forgiven
you for being
526
00:19:49,989 --> 00:19:52,368
such an incorrigible douche.
527
00:19:52,392 --> 00:19:54,069
No one cares because
most importantly...
528
00:19:54,093 --> 00:19:56,205
I cheated not only death,
529
00:19:56,229 --> 00:19:59,291
but also somehow
irreparable brain damage.
530
00:19:59,315 --> 00:20:01,226
That remains to be
seen, and shut up,
531
00:20:01,250 --> 00:20:04,129
because Lana is
going to be a mother.
532
00:20:04,153 --> 00:20:07,165
Three cheers for
little Johnny Bastard!
533
00:20:07,189 --> 00:20:08,717
Hip, hip...
534
00:20:08,741 --> 00:20:10,485
Ahem. Inappropriate.
535
00:20:10,509 --> 00:20:12,854
The point is, and
seriously, shut up,
536
00:20:12,878 --> 00:20:15,324
everybody has a happy ending.
537
00:20:15,348 --> 00:20:18,277
Really? Old Ray
gets a happy ending?
538
00:20:18,301 --> 00:20:19,278
Ray...
539
00:20:19,302 --> 00:20:20,779
Or does Randy
Roughhouse over here
540
00:20:20,803 --> 00:20:22,481
zap him with a defibrillator
541
00:20:22,505 --> 00:20:25,617
and fry the CPU that
made his bionic legs work?
542
00:20:25,641 --> 00:20:28,153
Ray, I'm sorry. Come
on, I was wrong.
543
00:20:28,177 --> 00:20:29,621
Really? Yeah.
544
00:20:29,645 --> 00:20:30,889
Without the mustache,
545
00:20:30,913 --> 00:20:35,260
you look, like, a
billion percent gayer.
546
00:20:35,284 --> 00:20:37,046
Boop.
547
00:20:37,070 --> 00:20:39,002
[♪♪♪]