1
00:00:02,101 --> 00:00:03,602
Harry: last time on
3rd rock from the sun...
2
00:00:03,603 --> 00:00:05,103
we returned
from the home planet,
3
00:00:05,104 --> 00:00:07,539
but forgot to clean up
the landing site.
4
00:00:07,540 --> 00:00:08,774
Aliens, huh?
5
00:00:08,775 --> 00:00:10,108
Harry: meanwhile,
the big giant head
6
00:00:10,109 --> 00:00:12,343
made us bring back
a little present for Dick.
7
00:00:12,344 --> 00:00:13,545
I'd like you
to meet...
8
00:00:13,546 --> 00:00:14,612
your new wife!
9
00:00:14,613 --> 00:00:16,013
My wife?!
10
00:00:16,014 --> 00:00:17,349
Sally: we've been
calling her Janet.
11
00:00:17,350 --> 00:00:20,551
Harry: too bad he was
already engaged to Dr. Albright.
12
00:00:20,552 --> 00:00:22,453
You crazy lug.
13
00:00:22,454 --> 00:00:25,523
Harry: so Dick came up with the
idea to send his new wife packing.
14
00:00:25,524 --> 00:00:29,561
Watch as I become the most
obnoxious, repulsive creep
15
00:00:29,562 --> 00:00:31,362
any woman has ever met.
16
00:00:43,342 --> 00:00:46,478
Stella!
17
00:00:47,547 --> 00:00:51,683
Stella!
18
00:00:52,718 --> 00:00:55,119
Janet!
19
00:00:57,023 --> 00:00:59,524
You didn't eat
your mini pizza!
20
00:00:59,525 --> 00:01:01,092
Acchh!
21
00:01:01,093 --> 00:01:02,994
You call that a pizza?
22
00:01:02,995 --> 00:01:04,996
I wouldn't feed that
to a dog!
23
00:01:04,997 --> 00:01:06,831
A dog wouldn't feed it
to a dog!
24
00:01:06,832 --> 00:01:08,533
Not even a dog he hated!
25
00:01:08,534 --> 00:01:10,801
Ok, then.
26
00:01:10,802 --> 00:01:13,405
Damn right you're sorry!
27
00:01:13,406 --> 00:01:15,473
Sorry as hell!
28
00:01:15,474 --> 00:01:16,807
You're--
29
00:01:16,808 --> 00:01:19,077
now bring me another beer.
30
00:01:19,078 --> 00:01:20,278
Because I drink!
31
00:01:20,279 --> 00:01:23,448
And I drink a lot!
I'm a booze hound, I am.
32
00:01:25,083 --> 00:01:26,550
And what's worse,
33
00:01:26,551 --> 00:01:29,988
when I drink,
I get a head of steam.
34
00:01:29,989 --> 00:01:33,591
I get all punchy,
and I like to lash out!
35
00:01:33,592 --> 00:01:36,728
Oh, you're not so bad.
36
00:01:36,729 --> 00:01:39,898
Ahh...god!
37
00:01:39,899 --> 00:01:41,900
Why can't you
dress nice?
38
00:01:41,901 --> 00:01:43,368
Look at you!
39
00:01:43,369 --> 00:01:45,871
You look like
someone who--who--
40
00:01:45,872 --> 00:01:47,939
isn't dressed
all that nice.
41
00:01:49,141 --> 00:01:51,643
Well, I could
change for you.
42
00:01:51,644 --> 00:01:53,645
And look
at that apron.
43
00:01:53,646 --> 00:01:54,879
[Crying]
44
00:01:54,880 --> 00:01:56,180
I like that apron.
45
00:01:56,181 --> 00:01:58,516
[Sobbing]
46
00:01:58,517 --> 00:02:00,418
It's pretty.
47
00:02:00,419 --> 00:02:02,854
With all the hearts
and--And the words
48
00:02:02,855 --> 00:02:04,322
and--and the hearts...
49
00:02:04,323 --> 00:02:06,591
[Wailing]
50
00:02:06,592 --> 00:02:08,025
Oh, that's Ok, baby.
51
00:02:08,026 --> 00:02:10,395
You can wear the apron.
52
00:02:10,396 --> 00:02:12,397
Oh, god, I'm sorry!
53
00:02:12,398 --> 00:02:14,399
[Sobbing]
54
00:02:14,400 --> 00:02:16,168
You're a nice person,
55
00:02:16,169 --> 00:02:19,538
and it's not your fault
that the big giant fathead
56
00:02:19,539 --> 00:02:23,575
made you come here and live
with people you don't even know!
57
00:02:23,576 --> 00:02:26,044
[Sobbing]
58
00:02:26,045 --> 00:02:29,381
I've always depended
on the kindness of strangers.
59
00:02:29,382 --> 00:02:30,648
[Sobbing]
60
00:02:34,921 --> 00:02:39,157
Mama make it
all better!
61
00:02:39,158 --> 00:02:42,093
I'm all messed up
inside, mama.
62
00:02:42,094 --> 00:02:43,294
[Sobbing]
63
00:02:46,365 --> 00:02:49,367
[Whimpering like
a dreaming dog]
64
00:02:51,870 --> 00:02:55,340
Good morning, lover.
65
00:02:55,341 --> 00:02:57,175
Oh, my god!
What have I done?
66
00:02:57,176 --> 00:02:59,978
Well, not much. But, hey,
there's always tonight.
67
00:02:59,979 --> 00:03:02,847
Oh, what time is it? I-
I've got to get to work.
68
00:03:02,848 --> 00:03:05,316
No, don't worry about it.
I already called Nina,
69
00:03:05,317 --> 00:03:06,551
and I told her
you were gonna be late.
70
00:03:06,552 --> 00:03:07,752
You called Nina?
71
00:03:07,753 --> 00:03:09,988
Yes. I--I told her
everything.
72
00:03:09,989 --> 00:03:11,155
You told her
everything?!
73
00:03:13,192 --> 00:03:15,894
Well, where's my kiss?!
74
00:03:52,999 --> 00:03:54,566
"Speaking
off the record,
75
00:03:54,567 --> 00:03:57,068
officer Don Orville
told the bugle,
76
00:03:57,069 --> 00:03:59,571
"I believe aliens
are among us
77
00:03:59,572 --> 00:04:03,375
and it's up to me
to nab 'em."
78
00:04:03,376 --> 00:04:04,376
Wow.
79
00:04:04,377 --> 00:04:06,845
Don, front page.
80
00:04:06,846 --> 00:04:08,880
And it's all because my
eyes were opened to a world
81
00:04:08,881 --> 00:04:11,583
I never knew existed.
Thanks, Harry.
82
00:04:15,220 --> 00:04:16,387
[Sighs]
83
00:04:16,388 --> 00:04:18,890
You can't listen to him.
It doesn't exist.
84
00:04:18,891 --> 00:04:21,092
Oh, yes. It does.
85
00:04:21,093 --> 00:04:22,494
Look what I found
in the wheat field.
86
00:04:22,495 --> 00:04:23,495
[Gasps] [Gasps] [Gasps]
87
00:04:23,496 --> 00:04:25,830
It's the fusion chamber!
88
00:04:28,968 --> 00:04:30,735
The what?
89
00:04:30,736 --> 00:04:32,237
The fusion chamber...lain.
90
00:04:32,238 --> 00:04:34,872
The fusion chamberlain show.
91
00:04:34,873 --> 00:04:36,374
With your host,
92
00:04:36,375 --> 00:04:39,810
fusion chamberlain!
93
00:04:39,811 --> 00:04:41,178
Whoo! Whoo...
94
00:04:44,416 --> 00:04:45,916
I've never seen it.
95
00:04:45,917 --> 00:04:48,886
Sally, what I have
in my hand
96
00:04:48,887 --> 00:04:52,323
is a piece of a terrifying alien spacecraft.
97
00:04:52,324 --> 00:04:54,325
Undeniable proof
that they've landed.
98
00:04:54,326 --> 00:04:55,660
Now if you'll excuse me,
99
00:04:55,661 --> 00:04:57,328
I have to pack this
in dry ice
100
00:04:57,329 --> 00:04:59,764
and drive it to the regional
field office of the Fbi in Cleveland.
101
00:04:59,765 --> 00:05:01,031
Why dry ice?
102
00:05:01,032 --> 00:05:03,435
Gives a nice
smoky effect.
103
00:05:03,436 --> 00:05:04,936
Well...
104
00:05:04,937 --> 00:05:06,604
good-bye, Sally.
105
00:05:06,605 --> 00:05:07,772
Good-bye?
106
00:05:07,773 --> 00:05:09,207
I'm off to save
the earth...
107
00:05:12,111 --> 00:05:14,946
from the scum
of the universe.
108
00:05:17,316 --> 00:05:19,250
Fbi? What are we
gonna do?
109
00:05:19,251 --> 00:05:20,719
Don't panic.
I have the solution.
110
00:05:20,720 --> 00:05:22,187
You're gonna go down to the
police station and take the fall.
111
00:05:22,188 --> 00:05:23,621
Tell them
it was a prank.
112
00:05:23,622 --> 00:05:24,622
Why me?
113
00:05:24,623 --> 00:05:25,590
Well, you're a minor.
114
00:05:25,591 --> 00:05:27,091
They'll go easy on you.
115
00:05:27,092 --> 00:05:29,361
Besides, we all have to make
some sacrifices around here.
116
00:05:29,362 --> 00:05:31,429
Ok. What sacrifice
are you making?
117
00:05:31,430 --> 00:05:35,366
The shame of having a
juvenile delinquent for a nephew, Ok?
118
00:05:36,902 --> 00:05:38,903
I'm not angry, Tommy.
119
00:05:38,904 --> 00:05:41,439
I'm just...disappointed.
120
00:05:54,620 --> 00:05:55,920
Good morning, Nina.
121
00:05:58,323 --> 00:05:59,958
Oh, that can't be good.
122
00:05:59,959 --> 00:06:01,226
Dick...
123
00:06:01,227 --> 00:06:02,994
what happened last night?
Where were you?
124
00:06:02,995 --> 00:06:04,395
Well, didn't Harry
tell you?
125
00:06:04,396 --> 00:06:06,330
He told me
you fell down a well.
126
00:06:06,331 --> 00:06:09,166
Uh, uh, uh,
he was covering for me.
127
00:06:09,167 --> 00:06:11,235
See I was packing my bag
so that we could elope!
128
00:06:11,236 --> 00:06:12,536
Elope?
129
00:06:12,537 --> 00:06:14,172
Yes! We're
going to Akron!
130
00:06:14,173 --> 00:06:16,340
Oh, it'll be
so romantic.
131
00:06:16,341 --> 00:06:18,676
You, me, the notary public at the copy-mart.
132
00:06:18,677 --> 00:06:20,678
Well, I--I can't just leave.
133
00:06:20,679 --> 00:06:22,881
I have to cancel 3 classes, and...
134
00:06:22,882 --> 00:06:23,981
is Nina in?
135
00:06:23,982 --> 00:06:25,183
No! Uh--
136
00:06:25,184 --> 00:06:26,818
Mary, forget
about your classes.
137
00:06:26,819 --> 00:06:28,820
This time tomorrow
we'll be on our honeymoon.
138
00:06:28,821 --> 00:06:31,388
We can go anywhere we want
for as long as we want.
139
00:06:31,389 --> 00:06:32,857
Heck, we may
never come back.
140
00:06:32,858 --> 00:06:34,792
We're crazy in love,
let's go!
141
00:06:34,793 --> 00:06:35,827
Good morning.
142
00:06:35,828 --> 00:06:38,229
Daah!
Ohh!
143
00:06:38,230 --> 00:06:39,497
What's going on?
144
00:06:39,498 --> 00:06:40,531
Yeah, Dr. Solomon,
145
00:06:40,532 --> 00:06:42,200
why don't you tell her
what's going on?
146
00:06:42,201 --> 00:06:43,268
She's lying.
147
00:06:43,269 --> 00:06:44,369
What?
148
00:06:44,370 --> 00:06:46,303
Mary, you can't listen
to a thing she says
149
00:06:46,304 --> 00:06:48,006
because it's--it's--
150
00:06:48,007 --> 00:06:50,708
I-it's...opposite Wednesday!
151
00:06:50,709 --> 00:06:52,343
Opposite
Wednesday?
152
00:06:52,344 --> 00:06:53,744
Yes! Everything
she tells you,
153
00:06:53,745 --> 00:06:55,179
you're supposed
to think the opposite.
154
00:06:55,180 --> 00:06:56,547
All the secretaries
are doing it.
155
00:06:56,548 --> 00:06:57,348
No!
Is this true?
156
00:06:57,349 --> 00:07:01,418
See?
Ah ha ha ha!
157
00:07:01,419 --> 00:07:02,887
Love is war,
peace is hate.
158
00:07:02,888 --> 00:07:04,756
If she says she's happy,
she's actually sad.
159
00:07:04,757 --> 00:07:06,758
If she says I was with
another woman last night,
160
00:07:06,759 --> 00:07:08,426
it's because
I actually wasn't!
161
00:07:08,427 --> 00:07:10,628
You were
with another woman?
162
00:07:10,629 --> 00:07:11,863
She's just saying that.
163
00:07:11,864 --> 00:07:13,664
Save your breath.
I already told her.
164
00:07:15,768 --> 00:07:18,269
Oh, Mary, it's true.
165
00:07:18,270 --> 00:07:20,938
I was with
a woman last night.
166
00:07:20,939 --> 00:07:22,607
Hah! I didn't
really tell her.
167
00:07:22,608 --> 00:07:24,175
What?!
168
00:07:24,176 --> 00:07:26,744
It's opposite
Wednesday.
169
00:07:26,745 --> 00:07:28,913
Gr--ohh, Nina!
170
00:07:28,914 --> 00:07:30,114
You're an evil genius!
171
00:07:38,557 --> 00:07:39,324
[Giggling]
172
00:07:39,325 --> 00:07:40,792
Yah ha ha ha.
173
00:07:40,793 --> 00:07:42,593
Yuck yuck yuck yuck yuck.
174
00:07:42,594 --> 00:07:44,028
Go ahead and laugh!
175
00:07:44,029 --> 00:07:45,162
But you won't be laughing
176
00:07:45,163 --> 00:07:48,132
when the Fbi confirms
what I've been telling you.
177
00:07:48,133 --> 00:07:49,266
We are not alone.
178
00:07:49,267 --> 00:07:51,235
Whoo-ooh!
Whoo-Ooh!
179
00:07:51,236 --> 00:07:53,571
Hey, Don, uh,
I gotta tell you something.
180
00:07:53,572 --> 00:07:55,807
Can it wait, Tommy? I
got a date with the Fbi.
181
00:07:55,808 --> 00:07:57,975
Well, then, no.
No, it can't.
182
00:07:57,976 --> 00:07:59,243
You see, uh,
183
00:07:59,244 --> 00:08:00,878
this is pretty funny,
heh.
184
00:08:00,879 --> 00:08:03,581
I actually think
you're gonna laugh.
185
00:08:03,582 --> 00:08:05,582
It turns out
that it was me
186
00:08:05,583 --> 00:08:07,751
who destroyed old man
Sweeney's field all along.
187
00:08:07,752 --> 00:08:10,121
What? What the hell
are you talking about?
188
00:08:10,122 --> 00:08:11,589
Well, it's no big deal.
189
00:08:11,590 --> 00:08:12,824
I was just trying
to have a little fun,
190
00:08:12,825 --> 00:08:14,425
and so it went
too far, you know?
191
00:08:14,426 --> 00:08:16,327
Oh? Is that so?
192
00:08:16,328 --> 00:08:19,631
Well, how do you explain the
crop circle and the burn marks?
193
00:08:19,632 --> 00:08:21,832
Well, I--
I was running laps
194
00:08:21,833 --> 00:08:25,669
with a flaming 2x4
dragging behind me.
195
00:08:27,273 --> 00:08:29,741
You see, I'm a teenager.
I don't know any better.
196
00:08:29,742 --> 00:08:31,509
Not so fast, junior! See ya.
197
00:08:31,510 --> 00:08:34,512
There's one thing
you can't explain:
198
00:08:34,513 --> 00:08:36,514
it's this!
199
00:08:36,515 --> 00:08:38,182
That?
Uh-Huh.
200
00:08:38,183 --> 00:08:40,284
Well--
well, this is a--
201
00:08:40,285 --> 00:08:43,354
it's--it's a--
it's a sling-a-rang.
202
00:08:43,355 --> 00:08:44,855
It's a toy.
203
00:08:44,856 --> 00:08:46,190
You know, you...
204
00:08:46,191 --> 00:08:47,325
you throw it...
205
00:08:47,326 --> 00:08:48,793
[Clunk]
206
00:08:51,296 --> 00:08:54,398
And--and it just lands
there on the floor, you know?
207
00:08:56,068 --> 00:08:59,470
I'm sure you've seen the
commercials for it on Tv.
208
00:08:59,471 --> 00:09:01,539
You know,
the little jingle--
209
00:09:01,540 --> 00:09:02,874
♪ sling-a-rang ♪
210
00:09:02,875 --> 00:09:04,108
♪ sling-a-rang ♪
211
00:09:04,109 --> 00:09:05,142
♪ pick it up ♪
212
00:09:05,143 --> 00:09:07,912
♪ and fling that...
thang ♪
213
00:09:11,817 --> 00:09:13,818
of course.
214
00:09:13,819 --> 00:09:16,754
A sling-a-rang
in an empty field.
215
00:09:16,755 --> 00:09:19,156
I should've known.
216
00:09:19,157 --> 00:09:20,325
It was you.
217
00:09:20,326 --> 00:09:22,159
It was you all along.
218
00:09:22,160 --> 00:09:23,994
Yeah. Well,
I feel better.
219
00:09:23,995 --> 00:09:25,830
Thanks for listening, Don. Bye.
220
00:09:25,831 --> 00:09:26,831
Tommy!
221
00:09:26,832 --> 00:09:28,499
There are a lot
of rotten kids
222
00:09:28,500 --> 00:09:29,834
in a town
like Rutherford,
223
00:09:29,835 --> 00:09:32,270
but I expected more of you.
224
00:09:32,271 --> 00:09:36,140
I'm afraid I'm gonna
have to teach you a lesson.
225
00:09:36,141 --> 00:09:38,842
Well, I know that
must tear you up, Don,
226
00:09:38,843 --> 00:09:45,149
considering it could jeopardize your
relationship with my gorgeous aunt Sally.
227
00:09:49,354 --> 00:09:50,788
Yup, that's an owie.
228
00:09:53,358 --> 00:09:54,792
But for your own good,
229
00:09:54,793 --> 00:09:57,028
I'm gonna have to
charge you as an adult.
230
00:09:57,029 --> 00:09:58,596
Oh, does that mean
I can rent showgirls?
231
00:10:02,634 --> 00:10:04,868
Mmm! What is this?
232
00:10:04,869 --> 00:10:06,237
An omelet.
233
00:10:06,238 --> 00:10:09,306
Well, I thought
an omelet was runny eggs
234
00:10:09,307 --> 00:10:12,977
filled with big chunks
of unmelted cheese food.
235
00:10:12,978 --> 00:10:15,113
Yeah, well,
live and learn.
236
00:10:15,114 --> 00:10:15,913
Hmm.
237
00:10:15,914 --> 00:10:17,348
What's this?
238
00:10:17,349 --> 00:10:19,717
I don't know, but they're yummy. Hey!
239
00:10:19,718 --> 00:10:21,652
Janet! Come here and
tell us what we're eating!
240
00:10:21,653 --> 00:10:23,121
No, no, no, no.
241
00:10:23,122 --> 00:10:24,322
She's not here.
242
00:10:24,323 --> 00:10:26,524
She went to Dick's office
to drop off his lunch.
243
00:10:26,525 --> 00:10:27,458
What?
244
00:10:27,459 --> 00:10:28,459
I said she went
to Dick's office--
245
00:10:28,460 --> 00:10:30,327
you idiot!
246
00:10:30,328 --> 00:10:32,663
If Janet finds out
about Albright, we're dead!
247
00:10:32,664 --> 00:10:33,798
We've
gotta stop her!
248
00:10:33,799 --> 00:10:35,199
Let's go!
249
00:10:44,810 --> 00:10:45,743
Let's go!
250
00:10:46,778 --> 00:10:50,280
Excuse me.
Could you tell--
251
00:10:54,385 --> 00:10:55,753
oh, my god!
252
00:10:55,754 --> 00:10:59,123
Look at the cute
tuchus on you!
253
00:10:59,124 --> 00:11:00,525
Can we help you?
254
00:11:00,526 --> 00:11:02,626
I am sure you can.
255
00:11:02,627 --> 00:11:04,128
Well, campus
information is--
256
00:11:04,129 --> 00:11:05,329
look at you!
257
00:11:05,330 --> 00:11:07,031
Are you looking
for somebody?
258
00:11:07,032 --> 00:11:09,133
Uh, yes, Dr. Solomon.
259
00:11:09,134 --> 00:11:10,767
He's my husband.
260
00:11:10,768 --> 00:11:12,937
I didn't know Dr. Solomon had a wife.
261
00:11:12,938 --> 00:11:16,674
Well, this is my first
time out of the house.
262
00:11:16,675 --> 00:11:18,809
Uh, h-he's in
the next building.
263
00:11:18,810 --> 00:11:20,477
Thank you.
264
00:11:20,478 --> 00:11:23,581
See you around campus,
bubbele.
265
00:11:25,084 --> 00:11:26,284
[Clicks tongue]
266
00:11:29,521 --> 00:11:31,122
Come on, Dick.
267
00:11:31,123 --> 00:11:32,123
Who was she?
268
00:11:33,925 --> 00:11:34,958
Ok.
269
00:11:34,959 --> 00:11:36,861
I wanted to keep
this a surprise.
270
00:11:36,862 --> 00:11:38,129
She was
a travel agent.
271
00:11:38,130 --> 00:11:40,631
I was up all night
with her
272
00:11:40,632 --> 00:11:42,800
planning our honeymoon in Hawaii.
273
00:11:42,801 --> 00:11:45,136
So, once again, what are
we waiting for? Let's go!
274
00:11:45,137 --> 00:11:46,404
An all-night
travel agent?
275
00:11:46,405 --> 00:11:47,604
They're the best!
276
00:11:47,605 --> 00:11:50,074
Oh, Mary,
just picture it.
277
00:11:50,075 --> 00:11:51,642
Just us.
278
00:11:51,643 --> 00:11:53,544
Just the two of us,
no one else,
279
00:11:53,545 --> 00:11:55,045
by the ocean--
280
00:11:55,046 --> 00:11:57,481
palm trees
swaying in the breeze,
281
00:11:57,482 --> 00:12:00,551
you sunning yourself
in front of me,
282
00:12:00,552 --> 00:12:03,554
sensually removing
your gauzy dress,
283
00:12:03,555 --> 00:12:06,223
your underwire bra,
284
00:12:06,224 --> 00:12:09,560
your support panties with
the tummy-control panel,
285
00:12:09,561 --> 00:12:12,062
and finally
your knee-highs...
286
00:12:12,063 --> 00:12:14,565
all in the glow
of a full moon
287
00:12:14,566 --> 00:12:17,067
while I play
Hawaiian wedding song.
288
00:12:28,580 --> 00:12:31,081
Oh, it does sound nice.
289
00:12:31,082 --> 00:12:33,083
I've got
to admit it, Dick,
290
00:12:33,084 --> 00:12:35,252
you are
full of surprises!
291
00:12:35,253 --> 00:12:36,888
Oh, Mary!
Oh, Dick!
292
00:12:36,889 --> 00:12:39,123
Dick, honey, I brought your lunch!
293
00:12:39,124 --> 00:12:40,291
My god.
294
00:12:40,292 --> 00:12:41,625
Janet!
295
00:12:41,626 --> 00:12:44,562
I mean--
who are you?!
296
00:12:44,563 --> 00:12:47,265
I'm your wife, silly.
297
00:12:47,266 --> 00:12:49,367
She's your what?!
298
00:12:49,368 --> 00:12:50,601
His wife.
299
00:12:50,602 --> 00:12:52,603
Nice to meet you.
300
00:12:52,604 --> 00:12:53,537
You're married?
301
00:12:53,538 --> 00:12:57,041
Well, uh, not
in the way you think.
302
00:12:57,042 --> 00:12:58,709
You told me
your wife was dead!
303
00:12:58,710 --> 00:13:00,444
That's what she told me!
304
00:13:01,947 --> 00:13:03,815
I'm not dead!
305
00:13:03,816 --> 00:13:06,184
Your wife is coming! Your
wife is coming! Your wife--
306
00:13:06,185 --> 00:13:07,518
son of a bitch!
307
00:13:07,519 --> 00:13:08,619
Ohh!
308
00:13:08,620 --> 00:13:09,787
Mary!
309
00:13:09,788 --> 00:13:11,889
Please!
Wait, Mary!
310
00:13:11,890 --> 00:13:13,624
We may be too late.
311
00:13:13,625 --> 00:13:14,558
Gee...
312
00:13:15,794 --> 00:13:18,162
you think?
313
00:13:18,163 --> 00:13:19,397
So who's the shiksa?
314
00:13:24,969 --> 00:13:26,670
Mary, please, wait.
315
00:13:28,273 --> 00:13:30,040
Mary, you've
got to listen.
316
00:13:32,443 --> 00:13:33,944
Mary--
317
00:13:33,945 --> 00:13:34,878
Mary, please stop!
318
00:13:34,879 --> 00:13:36,947
I have to tell you
something,
319
00:13:36,948 --> 00:13:38,949
something that will clear up this whole mess.
320
00:13:38,950 --> 00:13:40,450
I can't wait
to hear this.
321
00:13:40,451 --> 00:13:41,686
Ok.
322
00:13:41,687 --> 00:13:43,820
Here's
the absolute truth.
323
00:13:45,056 --> 00:13:46,924
I have a wife. Fine.
I'll give you that.
324
00:13:46,925 --> 00:13:49,392
But, Mary, there's
something you don't realize.
325
00:13:49,393 --> 00:13:50,728
She doesn't
understand me.
326
00:13:50,729 --> 00:13:53,063
Oh, you poor thing.
You're the only woman I love.
327
00:13:53,064 --> 00:13:54,397
Oh, great. And when I'm with her,
328
00:13:54,398 --> 00:13:55,499
all I think
about is you.
329
00:13:55,500 --> 00:13:57,234
Where have I
heard that before?
330
00:13:57,235 --> 00:14:01,305
Oh, I know! Every
married man I've ever dated.
331
00:14:01,306 --> 00:14:03,074
How many married men
have you dated?
332
00:14:03,075 --> 00:14:04,875
Just one, Dick.
You!
333
00:14:04,876 --> 00:14:06,676
Because I don't do that.
334
00:14:06,677 --> 00:14:09,413
And you know what else I don't
do with married men? Marry them!
335
00:14:09,414 --> 00:14:12,783
Hey, hey, hey, congratulations, you two!
336
00:14:12,784 --> 00:14:15,019
Oh, Mary.
337
00:14:15,020 --> 00:14:16,720
Look, I'm confused,
and you're confused,
338
00:14:16,721 --> 00:14:17,955
so let's just stop
all this nonsense,
339
00:14:17,956 --> 00:14:19,223
go to a motel,
and make love.
340
00:14:19,224 --> 00:14:21,158
Oh, come on, Dick.
You're married.
341
00:14:21,159 --> 00:14:24,161
Do you understand?
Married. And you lied about it.
342
00:14:24,162 --> 00:14:27,465
I never want to see
your face again.
343
00:14:27,466 --> 00:14:28,332
Hey--
shut up!
344
00:14:35,407 --> 00:14:37,575
Well, hi, honey.
How was your day?
345
00:14:37,576 --> 00:14:40,744
Oh, how was my day?
My life has become a farce!
346
00:14:40,745 --> 00:14:42,479
And not a witty
little door-slamming,
347
00:14:42,480 --> 00:14:44,348
everybody-runs-around
farce. No!
348
00:14:44,349 --> 00:14:47,517
A cheerless, lachrymose,
dispiriting farce
349
00:14:47,518 --> 00:14:51,688
where the only one laughing
is a crying mime!
350
00:14:51,689 --> 00:14:53,891
Well, at least
we have each other.
351
00:14:53,892 --> 00:14:55,792
But I don't love you.
352
00:14:55,793 --> 00:14:56,693
What?!
353
00:14:56,694 --> 00:14:58,696
I don't love you!
354
00:14:58,697 --> 00:15:01,165
You do too love me.
355
00:15:01,166 --> 00:15:04,702
I am your wife, the
person you're supposed to love!
356
00:15:04,703 --> 00:15:06,337
Those are the rules!
357
00:15:06,338 --> 00:15:07,705
There are no rules!
358
00:15:07,706 --> 00:15:10,374
You can feel whatever you
want for whoever you want to.
359
00:15:10,375 --> 00:15:12,710
Love's not an assignment. It just happens!
360
00:15:12,711 --> 00:15:15,646
That's earth, baby!
361
00:15:15,647 --> 00:15:17,214
So, you mean...
362
00:15:17,215 --> 00:15:20,751
that I don't
have to love you?
363
00:15:20,752 --> 00:15:22,019
No.
364
00:15:22,020 --> 00:15:23,854
Oh, my god,
that's so great.
365
00:15:23,855 --> 00:15:28,259
Ever since I got here you've been
just a huge pain in my purple tube.
366
00:15:28,260 --> 00:15:29,560
Wha--
367
00:15:29,561 --> 00:15:32,563
in fact, there
are a lot of things
368
00:15:32,564 --> 00:15:35,900
that I don't love
about this planet.
369
00:15:35,901 --> 00:15:36,834
This broom...
370
00:15:38,402 --> 00:15:40,570
this stupid-ass
apron...
371
00:15:40,571 --> 00:15:43,540
these stupid dishes...
372
00:15:43,541 --> 00:15:44,742
and your family!
373
00:15:44,743 --> 00:15:46,043
What's wrong
with my family?
374
00:15:46,044 --> 00:15:47,144
What's wrong
with them?
375
00:15:47,145 --> 00:15:49,480
They act like
a bunch of people!
376
00:15:49,481 --> 00:15:50,648
Well--
377
00:15:50,649 --> 00:15:53,717
but what
are you doing?
378
00:15:53,718 --> 00:15:56,320
I'm leaving you,
darling.
379
00:15:56,321 --> 00:15:59,122
Leaving? W-well, what
about your big giant uncle?
380
00:16:00,558 --> 00:16:02,726
Well, that will
have to be our...
381
00:16:02,727 --> 00:16:04,828
big giant secret.
382
00:16:04,829 --> 00:16:06,163
Oh, thank you, Janet.
383
00:16:06,164 --> 00:16:08,598
I mean, jeez, if I get to
pick the person I'm in love with,
384
00:16:08,599 --> 00:16:11,935
I'm gonna get somebody
really good-looking!
385
00:16:11,936 --> 00:16:13,738
Oh! I'm gorgeous.
386
00:16:13,739 --> 00:16:16,406
I mean, I saw these guys
today at the school,
387
00:16:16,407 --> 00:16:19,076
and they were just
unbelievably beautiful!
388
00:16:19,077 --> 00:16:21,512
I mean, they had
all these muscles.
389
00:16:21,513 --> 00:16:22,646
Well, I have muscles.
390
00:16:22,647 --> 00:16:24,715
No, I mean
real muscles!
391
00:16:24,716 --> 00:16:27,384
And they were young,
and they were hard,
392
00:16:27,385 --> 00:16:29,720
and they had all their hair, even right here.
393
00:16:29,721 --> 00:16:32,222
Huh!
Hair is very overrated.
394
00:16:32,223 --> 00:16:34,925
It takes away from
the size of your face.
395
00:16:34,926 --> 00:16:37,862
Well, don't take it
personally, Dick.
396
00:16:37,863 --> 00:16:41,098
I mean, you just said
yourself that you don't love me.
397
00:16:42,300 --> 00:16:43,734
Ok. Now,
which way's Vegas?
398
00:16:43,735 --> 00:16:47,404
But, Janet, it's
a big world out there.
399
00:16:47,405 --> 00:16:50,041
Where will you go?
What will you do?
400
00:16:50,042 --> 00:16:53,677
Oh, don't worry
about me, Dick.
401
00:16:55,246 --> 00:16:58,048
We'll always
have Rutherford.
402
00:17:00,752 --> 00:17:01,886
Bye, Janet.
403
00:17:01,887 --> 00:17:04,555
Bye, Janet.
404
00:17:04,556 --> 00:17:05,589
What?
Janet's leaving?
405
00:17:05,590 --> 00:17:06,757
Yes.
406
00:17:06,758 --> 00:17:10,594
Noooo!
Janet, don't go!
407
00:17:10,595 --> 00:17:12,430
I don't believe it.
408
00:17:12,431 --> 00:17:15,266
The fake mother
of my phony son.
409
00:17:15,267 --> 00:17:19,103
I've been dumped by my wife
and my fiancee in the same day.
410
00:17:19,104 --> 00:17:21,271
Ohh! What about me?
411
00:17:21,272 --> 00:17:23,240
I've lost
a live-in maid,
412
00:17:23,241 --> 00:17:25,609
a cook, a gardener,
a chauffeur,
413
00:17:25,610 --> 00:17:28,312
and an electrician.
I loved her!
414
00:17:28,313 --> 00:17:31,282
Aww! Well, look
on the bright side, Dick.
415
00:17:31,283 --> 00:17:34,117
With Janet out of the way, maybe
you'll get another shot at Albright.
416
00:17:34,118 --> 00:17:35,286
You think?
417
00:17:35,287 --> 00:17:36,787
Probably no.
418
00:17:36,788 --> 00:17:40,123
But, hey, at least
there's still the three of us.
419
00:17:40,124 --> 00:17:42,426
Ohh! Ohh! Ohh!
420
00:17:42,427 --> 00:17:43,727
Hey, wait.
421
00:17:43,728 --> 00:17:46,263
Didn't there
used to be four of us?
422
00:17:46,264 --> 00:17:49,466
Ohh, yeah!
Officer Don called.
423
00:17:49,467 --> 00:17:51,235
"Tommy's in jail."
424
00:17:52,303 --> 00:17:53,971
Jail?! Jail?! Jail?!
425
00:17:53,972 --> 00:17:55,305
Waagh! Waagh! Waagh!
426
00:17:55,306 --> 00:17:57,808
Get him out!
Get him out of jail!
427
00:17:57,809 --> 00:17:59,376
You idiots!
428
00:18:02,280 --> 00:18:04,414
Don, where's Tommy?
429
00:18:04,415 --> 00:18:05,415
Oh, you're
too late.
430
00:18:05,416 --> 00:18:06,550
Whoa!
431
00:18:07,919 --> 00:18:09,920
You killed Tommy?!
432
00:18:09,921 --> 00:18:11,188
No, I let him go.
433
00:18:11,189 --> 00:18:14,458
You let Tommy
go to his death?!
434
00:18:14,459 --> 00:18:17,261
Waagh!
435
00:18:17,262 --> 00:18:18,562
Hey, Harry.
436
00:18:18,563 --> 00:18:19,696
Aah! Ohh!
437
00:18:22,134 --> 00:18:23,200
He's alive.
438
00:18:24,269 --> 00:18:25,769
Oh, huh...
439
00:18:25,770 --> 00:18:27,037
sorry.
440
00:18:28,273 --> 00:18:29,940
Nice tie.
441
00:18:30,808 --> 00:18:32,242
What did they
do to you?
442
00:18:32,243 --> 00:18:33,344
It was pretty scary.
443
00:18:33,345 --> 00:18:36,280
As a juvenile,
I could've spent 200 hours
444
00:18:36,281 --> 00:18:39,082
cleaning up other people's
trash on the highway.
445
00:18:39,083 --> 00:18:40,617
But I wanted
to teach him a lesson,
446
00:18:40,618 --> 00:18:42,319
so I charged him
as an adult.
447
00:18:42,320 --> 00:18:43,287
What does that mean?
448
00:18:43,288 --> 00:18:45,789
I got a $40 fine.
449
00:18:45,790 --> 00:18:47,625
Where'd you
get $40?
450
00:18:47,626 --> 00:18:48,559
I paid it.
451
00:18:50,128 --> 00:18:51,795
Damn the system!
452
00:18:53,131 --> 00:18:55,098
Thanks, Don.
453
00:18:55,099 --> 00:18:57,034
I owe you...big.
454
00:18:59,637 --> 00:19:01,172
Harry,
grab the, uh--
455
00:19:01,173 --> 00:19:02,639
uh, the sling-a-rang.
456
00:19:02,640 --> 00:19:04,341
The what?
457
00:19:04,342 --> 00:19:05,642
The sling-a-rang?
458
00:19:05,643 --> 00:19:07,477
Remember?
You've seen it advertised
459
00:19:07,478 --> 00:19:10,246
on the fusion
chamberlain show.
460
00:19:13,050 --> 00:19:14,418
Yes, I have.
461
00:19:15,854 --> 00:19:17,487
I gotta see that show.
462
00:19:20,325 --> 00:19:27,598
[Tapping on door]
463
00:19:27,599 --> 00:19:30,267
[Doorbell ringing]
464
00:19:30,268 --> 00:19:31,234
It's me.
465
00:19:33,238 --> 00:19:34,205
What do you want?
466
00:19:34,206 --> 00:19:36,140
Janet's gone forever, Mary.
467
00:19:36,141 --> 00:19:37,874
She's gone. We're divorcing.
468
00:19:37,875 --> 00:19:40,211
She's not around
to ruin our lives anymore.
469
00:19:40,212 --> 00:19:42,246
This isn't
about her, Dick.
470
00:19:42,247 --> 00:19:43,747
She didn't lie
to me.
471
00:19:43,748 --> 00:19:46,650
She's not the one who
didn't tell me about her!
472
00:19:46,651 --> 00:19:48,218
Mary, I wanted to.
473
00:19:50,288 --> 00:19:51,922
What else
is there, Dick?
474
00:19:53,458 --> 00:19:54,925
Dick?
475
00:19:54,926 --> 00:19:56,126
[Gasps]
476
00:19:56,127 --> 00:19:58,561
There is something
else, isn't there?
477
00:19:58,562 --> 00:20:00,397
And you can't
tell me, can you?
478
00:20:01,632 --> 00:20:02,732
Ohh!
479
00:20:05,403 --> 00:20:07,070
Good-bye, Dick.
480
00:20:09,807 --> 00:20:11,241
I'm sorry.
481
00:20:16,815 --> 00:20:21,185
So I guess there's no way
you would ever marry me.
482
00:20:21,186 --> 00:20:25,889
Dick, right now there's no
way I'd even carpool with you.
483
00:20:25,890 --> 00:20:29,159
Well...what if
your car breaks down?
484
00:20:29,160 --> 00:20:30,460
I'd rent.
485
00:20:30,461 --> 00:20:32,630
I'd walk. Well, there are no cars available.
486
00:20:32,631 --> 00:20:35,266
What? In the worst snowstorm in 50 years?
487
00:20:35,267 --> 00:20:38,702
I'd take a bus. You would never take a bus!
488
00:20:38,703 --> 00:20:40,604
You're right.
Then I'd carpool with you.
489
00:20:44,609 --> 00:20:46,777
Dick: yes!
490
00:20:49,914 --> 00:20:54,050
You know, I gotta say, there are
things I'm gonna miss about Janet.
491
00:20:54,051 --> 00:20:57,154
Yeah. Especially the way
she made food you could eat.
492
00:20:59,157 --> 00:21:01,558
Yep. She had a gift.
493
00:21:01,559 --> 00:21:03,794
What are you gonna miss
most about Janet, Dick?
494
00:21:03,795 --> 00:21:06,463
Oh, I'm gonna miss the
amazingly nutty complications
495
00:21:06,464 --> 00:21:10,567
she added to my life.
Nothing, you idiot!
496
00:21:10,568 --> 00:21:13,871
You know, Dick, we're
all real sorry about Mary.
497
00:21:13,872 --> 00:21:15,005
Kind of.
498
00:21:15,006 --> 00:21:17,708
Oh, I'm not worried.
When we first came here,
499
00:21:17,709 --> 00:21:19,543
Mary hated me,
and I won her over.
500
00:21:19,544 --> 00:21:20,611
I can do it again.
501
00:21:20,612 --> 00:21:21,912
You really think so?
502
00:21:21,913 --> 00:21:22,779
Of course.
503
00:21:22,780 --> 00:21:25,215
She won't be able
to stay away for long,
504
00:21:25,216 --> 00:21:27,684
not with an album full
of naked pictures of me.
505
00:21:27,685 --> 00:21:30,053
She has naked
pictures of you?!
506
00:21:30,054 --> 00:21:33,656
Not yet. Harry,
get the camera.
507
00:21:37,195 --> 00:21:40,263
Captioned by the national
captioning institute --www.ncicap.org--
508
00:21:43,067 --> 00:21:44,501
thanks.
509
00:21:51,575 --> 00:21:53,576
A photo album?
510
00:21:53,577 --> 00:21:55,412
[Chuckles]
511
00:21:55,413 --> 00:21:57,180
[Gasps] Oh, my god!
512
00:21:59,417 --> 00:22:02,185
[Interested] Oh, my god.
513
00:22:06,424 --> 00:22:08,959
That's my teddy!