1 00:00:13,222 --> 00:00:15,015 You failed us, Liz. 2 00:00:15,307 --> 00:00:16,547 You let the show get cancelled, 3 00:00:16,767 --> 00:00:19,061 and we all died. - No, I didn't. 4 00:00:19,353 --> 00:00:20,771 It wasn't my fault. 5 00:00:21,063 --> 00:00:22,123 - When we talked about this dream, 6 00:00:22,147 --> 00:00:24,107 we said we were gonna be cowboys. 7 00:00:24,399 --> 00:00:27,444 All: Your fault. Your fault. Your fault. Your fault. 8 00:00:27,736 --> 00:00:29,404 Your fault. Your... - Aah! 9 00:00:29,696 --> 00:00:30,822 - Wake up. Liz, wake up! 10 00:00:31,114 --> 00:00:33,367 - Aaaah! 11 00:00:33,659 --> 00:00:35,369 - The twins are coming. - What? 12 00:00:35,661 --> 00:00:37,639 - Yeah, I just got an email from Bev at the adoption agency. 13 00:00:37,663 --> 00:00:41,041 It's from hotjuggsbev2@adoption.Gov. 14 00:00:41,333 --> 00:00:42,560 Guess there's another full-figured Bev 15 00:00:42,584 --> 00:00:43,919 at the office there. - Oh, my god, 16 00:00:44,211 --> 00:00:46,964 flight 124 on January 29th. 17 00:00:47,256 --> 00:00:49,091 That's in five days. It's happening so fast. 18 00:00:49,383 --> 00:00:50,735 We don't even know where they're coming from. 19 00:00:50,759 --> 00:00:53,720 - Airbike flight 124 out of Houston's George Bush Airport. 20 00:00:54,012 --> 00:00:55,931 - It's not my airport! - Let it go, Liz. 21 00:00:56,223 --> 00:00:56,932 - Wait, if they're coming from Houston, 22 00:00:57,224 --> 00:00:58,368 they won't have winter clothes. 23 00:00:58,392 --> 00:00:59,792 They're gonna need jackets and hats. 24 00:00:59,851 --> 00:01:01,120 How big is an eight-year-old's head? 25 00:01:01,144 --> 00:01:02,372 I'm thinking, like, a bowling ball? 26 00:01:02,396 --> 00:01:04,249 - No, bowling ball's too small. It's like a basketball. 27 00:01:04,273 --> 00:01:05,667 A small basketball that you win at the fair. 28 00:01:05,691 --> 00:01:07,001 - You're describing a bowling ball. 29 00:01:07,025 --> 00:01:09,278 Okay, kids coming, show to save, 30 00:01:09,570 --> 00:01:12,406 DVR at 98%, but I'm just never in the mood to watch treme. 31 00:01:12,698 --> 00:01:14,938 Okay, first things first... I'll watch a bunch of tremes. 32 00:01:15,158 --> 00:01:17,095 - I'll go to the sporting goods store and measure balls. 33 00:01:17,119 --> 00:01:18,346 I'm gonna need a cloth tape measure. 34 00:01:18,370 --> 00:01:19,496 To Ikea! 35 00:01:31,383 --> 00:01:34,177 - Hey, sorry I'm late, but treme gets good 36 00:01:34,469 --> 00:01:35,470 if you stick with it. 37 00:01:35,762 --> 00:01:38,849 So is TGS safe now? Will you uncancel us? 38 00:01:39,141 --> 00:01:41,143 - Lemon, I can't start my tenure as CEO 39 00:01:41,435 --> 00:01:43,770 by reversing my predecessor's decisions 40 00:01:44,062 --> 00:01:45,731 in order to help my weird buddy. 41 00:01:46,023 --> 00:01:47,941 But while I can't help directly, 42 00:01:48,233 --> 00:01:50,319 I have, through back-channels... - Like B.E.T.? 43 00:01:50,611 --> 00:01:53,322 - Backchannels. I have secured you a lifeline. 44 00:01:53,614 --> 00:01:55,694 The Kabletown board has agreed to hear a presentation 45 00:01:55,824 --> 00:01:57,534 from you tonight to convince them that 46 00:01:57,826 --> 00:01:59,995 TGS is worth more alive than dead. 47 00:02:00,287 --> 00:02:01,647 - Perfect. I've sold this show once 48 00:02:01,788 --> 00:02:04,249 before you were even here, and I crushed it. 49 00:02:04,541 --> 00:02:05,901 - It's a topical sketch-comedy show 50 00:02:06,168 --> 00:02:08,104 for a little demographic that's, oh, I don't know, 51 00:02:08,128 --> 00:02:10,922 51 % of the population. 52 00:02:11,214 --> 00:02:13,467 I'll take that nod as a yes. 53 00:02:13,759 --> 00:02:16,511 - Lemon, this is not a question of selling your creative vision. 54 00:02:16,803 --> 00:02:18,221 Thanks to Hazel's lawsuit, 55 00:02:18,513 --> 00:02:21,141 TGS has cost this company millions of dollars. 56 00:02:21,433 --> 00:02:22,577 - Okay, well, we can make cuts. 57 00:02:22,601 --> 00:02:23,268 - You'll have to do a lot more 58 00:02:23,560 --> 00:02:24,227 than trim the budget, Lemon. 59 00:02:24,519 --> 00:02:27,189 Your show can't cost NBC any money at all. 60 00:02:27,481 --> 00:02:29,483 - That's impossible. - Impossible? 61 00:02:29,775 --> 00:02:31,860 Would any of your female heroes say that? 62 00:02:32,152 --> 00:02:35,238 Would Amelia earhart or dian fosse or Joan of arc? 63 00:02:35,530 --> 00:02:38,367 Boy, women who try to do things sure get killed a lot. 64 00:02:38,659 --> 00:02:40,994 - You know what? I can do this. 65 00:02:41,286 --> 00:02:44,331 I've saved the show before, and I ain't afraid of no board! 66 00:02:44,623 --> 00:02:46,184 ♪ Na na na na na na ♪ 67 00:02:46,208 --> 00:02:47,448 - Lemon, expensive musical cues 68 00:02:47,584 --> 00:02:49,920 are exactly the sort of thing you can't afford anymore. 69 00:02:50,212 --> 00:02:52,005 - ♪ Na na net na net, dorp ♪ 70 00:02:54,841 --> 00:03:02,841 ♪ ♪ 71 00:03:11,650 --> 00:03:12,970 - You've got Lemon. Make lemonade. 72 00:03:13,193 --> 00:03:14,253 - Hey, when do you think you're gonna be home? 73 00:03:14,277 --> 00:03:15,463 'Cause we gotta do some power nesting. 74 00:03:15,487 --> 00:03:18,615 Upstairs, I want to paint a mural of Houston for the kids, 75 00:03:18,907 --> 00:03:20,587 but I'm terrible at drawing swamp humidity. 76 00:03:20,659 --> 00:03:21,678 - I don't know, Criss, late. 77 00:03:21,702 --> 00:03:23,022 I'm sorry. I'll make it up to you. 78 00:03:23,161 --> 00:03:25,288 - Sex on the couch? - Sex on the couch? 79 00:03:25,580 --> 00:03:27,874 That's a good one, Criss. I'll call you later. 80 00:03:28,166 --> 00:03:29,793 Okay. 81 00:03:30,085 --> 00:03:31,962 - Listen up, jagweeds, it's go time! 82 00:03:32,254 --> 00:03:33,422 We are at defcon 5 here. 83 00:03:33,714 --> 00:03:37,467 - The lowest level of defense preparedness? Fantastic. 84 00:03:37,759 --> 00:03:38,778 - Have you dudes ever been to deafcon, 85 00:03:38,802 --> 00:03:40,637 the comic book convention for deaf people? 86 00:03:40,929 --> 00:03:42,289 Man, if you're a dude who can hear, 87 00:03:42,514 --> 00:03:43,765 you are just knee-deep in... 88 00:03:44,057 --> 00:03:46,351 - this is serious. Our show is cancelled! 89 00:03:46,643 --> 00:03:48,437 Now, we all need to pull together, 90 00:03:48,729 --> 00:03:51,523 wing to wing, and oar to oar. 91 00:03:51,815 --> 00:03:52,441 Fine, I'll skip to the end. 92 00:03:52,733 --> 00:03:56,153 And that little boy's name was Marshall Mathers. 93 00:03:56,445 --> 00:03:59,322 So who's with me? 94 00:03:59,614 --> 00:04:01,074 - Ll, did you save the show yet? 95 00:04:01,366 --> 00:04:03,160 'Cause J-Mo and I have a new problem. 96 00:04:03,452 --> 00:04:05,787 - Last night at a party, we urinated into the same fountain 97 00:04:06,079 --> 00:04:07,079 during a lightning storm. 98 00:04:07,289 --> 00:04:08,915 - And I think we switched brains. 99 00:04:09,207 --> 00:04:10,792 - No, I haven't saved the show yet. 100 00:04:11,084 --> 00:04:14,379 I cannot save the show without all of us stepping up. 101 00:04:14,671 --> 00:04:16,298 We get one shot at this. Tonight. 102 00:04:16,590 --> 00:04:17,692 We have to do a sample show, 103 00:04:17,716 --> 00:04:19,509 so you guys need to start writing. 104 00:04:19,801 --> 00:04:20,841 We have to rally our fans, 105 00:04:21,094 --> 00:04:22,554 so you two are doing press all day. 106 00:04:22,846 --> 00:04:24,566 I'm glad the band U2 is doing press all day. 107 00:04:24,806 --> 00:04:27,684 Jenna, quick, run, before Liz Lemon realizes what I did. 108 00:04:27,976 --> 00:04:30,020 - Ugh! Do you think this is a joke? 109 00:04:30,312 --> 00:04:32,564 If TGS goes away, you are actors without a show. 110 00:04:32,856 --> 00:04:35,484 And, Hornberger, you and I are gonna slash the budget 111 00:04:35,776 --> 00:04:37,819 like we've never slashed it before. 112 00:04:38,111 --> 00:04:39,446 Are you ready? 113 00:04:39,738 --> 00:04:42,532 - My whole life has been building to this moment. 114 00:04:42,824 --> 00:04:44,618 Has it really? Oh, god. 115 00:04:44,910 --> 00:04:46,203 - Yeah. 116 00:04:46,495 --> 00:04:48,705 - You wanted to see me, sir? 117 00:04:48,997 --> 00:04:50,248 - No. 118 00:04:50,540 --> 00:04:54,085 I wanted to see... Kenneth the page. 119 00:04:54,377 --> 00:04:56,421 Kenneth the page. 120 00:04:56,713 --> 00:04:58,965 That's a name I haven't heard in a long time. 121 00:04:59,257 --> 00:05:00,592 Some say he's dead, 122 00:05:00,884 --> 00:05:02,636 but others hear his name on the wind. 123 00:05:02,928 --> 00:05:05,180 - We don't have a lot of time here... what do you say? 124 00:05:05,472 --> 00:05:07,474 - I can't say no to these colors. 125 00:05:07,766 --> 00:05:09,434 I bleed Blue and Gray. 126 00:05:09,726 --> 00:05:11,311 Especially where I stepped on that nail. 127 00:05:11,603 --> 00:05:14,272 - Excellent. I've got a V.I.P. tour group coming in, 128 00:05:14,564 --> 00:05:16,942 and I want my most experienced page to lead it. 129 00:05:17,234 --> 00:05:18,514 - Now, who will be on this tour? 130 00:05:18,693 --> 00:05:20,904 I like to cater my presentation to the audience. 131 00:05:21,196 --> 00:05:22,476 For example, if they're Japanese, 132 00:05:22,739 --> 00:05:24,407 I'll make sure we accidentally walk in 133 00:05:24,699 --> 00:05:26,326 on a blonde woman peeing. 134 00:05:26,618 --> 00:05:27,118 - Kenneth, you'll be showing around 135 00:05:27,410 --> 00:05:28,954 the five final candidates 136 00:05:29,246 --> 00:05:30,455 for my old job at NBC. 137 00:05:30,747 --> 00:05:32,499 Now, they think this just a formality 138 00:05:32,791 --> 00:05:33,416 before the final interview, 139 00:05:33,708 --> 00:05:36,586 but the tour is the final interview. 140 00:05:36,878 --> 00:05:37,878 It's an old G.E. trick. 141 00:05:38,046 --> 00:05:38,547 You can only truly judge a man 142 00:05:38,839 --> 00:05:40,465 who doesn't know he's being judged. 143 00:05:40,757 --> 00:05:43,176 - It's like NBC's TV version of Willy Wonka, 144 00:05:43,468 --> 00:05:44,594 starring Bob Uecker. 145 00:05:44,886 --> 00:05:46,606 - I do admire Wonka. He's a true capitalist. 146 00:05:46,721 --> 00:05:48,765 His factory has zero government regulations, 147 00:05:49,057 --> 00:05:51,184 slave labor, and an indoor boat. Wonderful. 148 00:05:51,476 --> 00:05:53,556 During the tour, the candidates will drop their guard 149 00:05:53,728 --> 00:05:56,189 and show their true selves without even knowing it. 150 00:05:56,481 --> 00:05:59,651 - And then you choose the one who's purest of heart. 151 00:05:59,943 --> 00:06:02,612 - What? No. Kenneth, this is broadcast television. 152 00:06:02,904 --> 00:06:04,281 It's a nasty, ruthless business. 153 00:06:04,573 --> 00:06:08,159 - No, sir. It's a magical, Ruth-filled business! 154 00:06:08,451 --> 00:06:10,745 - It's dying, and its leader needs to be a grave robber 155 00:06:11,037 --> 00:06:13,373 who'll strip every last bauble off the corpse. 156 00:06:13,665 --> 00:06:15,865 - I'm getting concerned about who we're gonna pick here. 157 00:06:15,959 --> 00:06:17,728 - There is no "we", Kenneth. You're giving a tour. 158 00:06:17,752 --> 00:06:21,464 I'm picking the next president of NBC. Understood? 159 00:06:21,756 --> 00:06:24,885 - Yes, sir. Of course... 160 00:06:25,176 --> 00:06:27,596 Not. 161 00:06:31,308 --> 00:06:32,326 - Well, there are things we can do 162 00:06:32,350 --> 00:06:33,351 to make the show cheaper. 163 00:06:33,643 --> 00:06:35,312 Gut the crew, no more taped pieces, 164 00:06:35,604 --> 00:06:37,606 fire Danny, scrap all the sets, 165 00:06:37,898 --> 00:06:39,208 and shoot everything on greenscreen. 166 00:06:39,232 --> 00:06:41,776 - No. Greenscreen always looks so fake. 167 00:06:42,068 --> 00:06:45,530 - Yeah. But to actually break even, 168 00:06:45,822 --> 00:06:47,282 we need somebody to sponsor the show. 169 00:06:47,574 --> 00:06:49,654 - Ugh, what, then I'll have some executive from Nokia 170 00:06:49,826 --> 00:06:51,953 giving me notes? - Oh, you wish. 171 00:06:52,245 --> 00:06:53,805 We couldn't get them before the lawsuit. 172 00:06:53,830 --> 00:06:57,208 Right now, our only advertisers are NBC.Com 173 00:06:57,500 --> 00:06:59,294 and a German guy who wants to eat somebody. 174 00:06:59,586 --> 00:07:00,866 And even gunter's having doubts. 175 00:07:00,921 --> 00:07:02,422 - Okay, so I need to find someone 176 00:07:02,714 --> 00:07:04,692 to put their name on the show, and I can't be picky. 177 00:07:04,716 --> 00:07:05,716 Whatever it takes. 178 00:07:05,842 --> 00:07:07,928 - I get it. You need a sugar daddy. 179 00:07:08,219 --> 00:07:09,638 So dazzle me. 180 00:07:09,930 --> 00:07:12,724 Why should bro body douche get in TGS's panties? 181 00:07:13,016 --> 00:07:15,602 - Well, Broseph... - Sup? 182 00:07:15,894 --> 00:07:18,146 - I think TGS and bro body douche 183 00:07:18,438 --> 00:07:19,438 would be tight. 184 00:07:19,648 --> 00:07:21,900 - Totes? - Nah mean? No homo. 185 00:07:22,192 --> 00:07:24,903 - Mos def. - So... Jeah? 186 00:07:25,195 --> 00:07:27,197 - Look, Betty, I don't know if it is jeah. 187 00:07:27,489 --> 00:07:29,491 TGS, it sounds like a news channel, 188 00:07:29,783 --> 00:07:31,576 or an std you know I've got. 189 00:07:31,868 --> 00:07:33,995 - We could change it. We're open to anything. 190 00:07:34,287 --> 00:07:36,414 - That's what you said 191 00:07:36,706 --> 00:07:37,892 look, don't get me wrong. 192 00:07:37,916 --> 00:07:39,793 I like Tracy Jordan. Dude's a baller. 193 00:07:40,085 --> 00:07:41,725 I like that you've got a slut on the show, 194 00:07:41,795 --> 00:07:43,115 even if she is a little boned out. 195 00:07:43,254 --> 00:07:45,090 And I love the sexual harassment thing. 196 00:07:45,382 --> 00:07:46,466 Noice! 197 00:07:46,758 --> 00:07:48,527 But if you're gonna get in bed with the douche, 198 00:07:48,551 --> 00:07:49,791 it's not just gonna be the tip. 199 00:07:49,844 --> 00:07:50,844 This is senior year. 200 00:07:51,012 --> 00:07:53,598 We're go need creative approval, brand mentions. 201 00:07:53,890 --> 00:07:55,850 And the whole tone of the show needs to be more... 202 00:07:55,976 --> 00:07:59,270 Um... have you ever seen the porn version 203 00:07:59,562 --> 00:08:00,562 of transformers? 204 00:08:00,814 --> 00:08:02,983 - Blorch! Look, do we have a deal? 205 00:08:03,274 --> 00:08:04,594 - Almost. It'd be weird if my show 206 00:08:04,818 --> 00:08:05,818 were created by a woman. 207 00:08:06,027 --> 00:08:08,655 So could your credit be Todd Debeikis? 208 00:08:08,947 --> 00:08:10,841 It's in honor of my frat bro. Died during hell week 209 00:08:10,865 --> 00:08:12,283 after passing out in the trough. 210 00:08:12,575 --> 00:08:16,371 I went to Syracuse. 211 00:08:16,663 --> 00:08:18,373 Never-knew-my-dad! 212 00:08:20,291 --> 00:08:21,459 Oh, god. 213 00:08:21,751 --> 00:08:23,670 - Liz is wrong, right? 214 00:08:23,962 --> 00:08:26,131 If the show goes away, we'll be fine. 215 00:08:26,423 --> 00:08:28,143 - Yeah, I got some stuff on the back burner. 216 00:08:28,216 --> 00:08:30,468 Left unattended long enough, the house burns down... 217 00:08:30,760 --> 00:08:31,803 Insurance money. 218 00:08:32,095 --> 00:08:33,655 - I mean, lots of people got more famous 219 00:08:33,722 --> 00:08:36,349 after their TV shows have ended. Like George Clooney. 220 00:08:36,641 --> 00:08:38,977 - We just need to have our next great roles lined up. 221 00:08:39,269 --> 00:08:41,813 Like how, after E.R., Clooney had dumb, gay Batman. 222 00:08:42,105 --> 00:08:43,385 - But parts like dumb, gay Batman 223 00:08:43,565 --> 00:08:44,941 come around once in a generation. 224 00:08:45,233 --> 00:08:47,402 If TGS goes away, what are the chances 225 00:08:47,694 --> 00:08:49,154 that there'll be two perfect roles, 226 00:08:49,446 --> 00:08:50,446 one for each of us? 227 00:08:50,655 --> 00:08:52,532 - But we don't need two roles 228 00:08:52,824 --> 00:08:55,035 if we play siamese twins! 229 00:08:55,326 --> 00:08:57,286 - One is the president. - The other's Santa claus. 230 00:08:57,328 --> 00:08:59,248 - And they're both in love with the same woman... 231 00:08:59,414 --> 00:09:00,498 Both: Elvira! 232 00:09:00,790 --> 00:09:03,418 - Tracy, Jenna. So I hear you're rallying fans 233 00:09:03,710 --> 00:09:04,710 to save your show. 234 00:09:04,919 --> 00:09:06,880 Tell me, what's going on with TGS? 235 00:09:07,172 --> 00:09:09,382 - Actually, kristy, we'd like to talk about 236 00:09:09,674 --> 00:09:10,925 our amazing upcoming project. 237 00:09:11,217 --> 00:09:13,178 It's a movie called heads of state. 238 00:09:13,470 --> 00:09:16,598 - Colon... The rise of doctor Ronfulus. 239 00:09:16,890 --> 00:09:19,142 - The third floor is also home to NBC news. 240 00:09:19,434 --> 00:09:20,477 Fun news fact. 241 00:09:20,769 --> 00:09:22,479 The today show was originally designed 242 00:09:22,771 --> 00:09:25,398 to entertain prison inmates whose iqs were too low 243 00:09:25,690 --> 00:09:27,150 for them to be executed. 244 00:09:27,442 --> 00:09:30,153 - What I think is a fun fact is that the today show is 245 00:09:30,445 --> 00:09:32,405 NBC's most profitable news program. 246 00:09:32,697 --> 00:09:35,575 12 hours of daily "news funtertainment" 247 00:09:35,867 --> 00:09:36,867 with very low overhead. 248 00:09:36,993 --> 00:09:38,578 We pay most of our hosts in white wine. 249 00:09:38,870 --> 00:09:40,246 But I'm wondering, is there a way 250 00:09:40,538 --> 00:09:41,956 to make it even more profitable? 251 00:09:42,248 --> 00:09:43,500 - More of a party atmosphere. 252 00:09:43,792 --> 00:09:45,632 - Food segments where you could order the food. 253 00:09:45,710 --> 00:09:48,150 - Show it again later on e!, but have gay guys make fun of it. 254 00:09:48,213 --> 00:09:49,547 - I guess, for some people, 255 00:09:49,839 --> 00:09:51,341 the today show is about money. 256 00:09:51,633 --> 00:09:55,929 But for me, it's about america starting its day together. 257 00:09:56,221 --> 00:09:57,741 And it's about seeing your friends Matt 258 00:09:57,806 --> 00:09:59,641 and Savannha, and your Butler Al. 259 00:09:59,933 --> 00:10:01,035 - Oh, I watch the today show. 260 00:10:01,059 --> 00:10:02,299 This morning, out on the Plaza, 261 00:10:02,352 --> 00:10:04,062 Al made a classic weather pun. 262 00:10:04,354 --> 00:10:05,814 Both: Janu-where is the snow? 263 00:10:06,106 --> 00:10:08,566 - Yes. - Pure of heart. 264 00:10:08,858 --> 00:10:12,070 - Kenneth... a word. 265 00:10:12,362 --> 00:10:15,365 Was I not clear earlier about your role I this process? 266 00:10:15,657 --> 00:10:18,326 - I am sorry, sir, but this is bigger than both of us. 267 00:10:18,618 --> 00:10:21,621 It's NBC. "We comedy." 268 00:10:21,913 --> 00:10:23,313 - Kenneth, it's "we peacock comedy." 269 00:10:23,540 --> 00:10:24,540 You say the peacock. 270 00:10:24,666 --> 00:10:25,666 - What? That's insane. 271 00:10:25,917 --> 00:10:27,961 - I will continue with this tour myself, Parcell. 272 00:10:28,253 --> 00:10:31,673 Your services are no longer required. 273 00:10:31,965 --> 00:10:35,802 ♪ Dum dum dum ♪ 274 00:10:37,637 --> 00:10:39,514 - Hey, I'm sorry. I forgot you called. 275 00:10:39,806 --> 00:10:42,142 - Liz, are you in favor of our kids having a trampoline, 276 00:10:42,433 --> 00:10:43,433 or do you hate fun? 277 00:10:43,518 --> 00:10:44,518 - What? No trampolines. 278 00:10:44,727 --> 00:10:45,728 They're death traps 279 00:10:46,020 --> 00:10:47,355 and hymen demolishers. 280 00:10:47,647 --> 00:10:48,898 You know what happened to me. 281 00:10:49,190 --> 00:10:50,441 - Okay, you know tramp world, 282 00:10:50,733 --> 00:10:52,318 that place we thought was a peep show? 283 00:10:52,610 --> 00:10:54,362 It's actually an awesome trampoline store. 284 00:10:54,654 --> 00:10:56,048 And Ladarius here gave me this pamphlet. 285 00:10:56,072 --> 00:10:57,907 Did you know that every year 286 00:10:58,199 --> 00:11:00,201 more people die from disease and accidents combined 287 00:11:00,493 --> 00:11:01,911 than from just trampoline accidents? 288 00:11:02,203 --> 00:11:04,603 - Wow, is this why you called me six times during my meeting? 289 00:11:04,664 --> 00:11:07,041 - Gee, sorry. Just trying to include you. 290 00:11:07,333 --> 00:11:08,973 I thought we'd do all this stuff together, 291 00:11:09,252 --> 00:11:11,546 buying toys and gender-neutral toothbrushes. 292 00:11:11,838 --> 00:11:13,198 I mean, tramp world is all couples. 293 00:11:13,464 --> 00:11:15,717 I'm the only single guy here, Liz, except for Ladarius, 294 00:11:16,009 --> 00:11:17,927 whose wife died in a trampoline accident. 295 00:11:18,219 --> 00:11:19,262 - I'll call you back. 296 00:11:19,554 --> 00:11:21,806 - Stop. I hate it. 297 00:11:22,098 --> 00:11:23,474 - Ugh! 298 00:11:23,766 --> 00:11:26,436 - Okay, Liz, we're about to start writing. I swear! 299 00:11:26,728 --> 00:11:28,122 - No, of course you haven't done anything. 300 00:11:28,146 --> 00:11:29,689 Why would I ever think that you would? 301 00:11:29,981 --> 00:11:32,775 - We did something, ll. - Uh-huh. 302 00:11:33,067 --> 00:11:34,569 I play Gretchen Vanderhausen, 303 00:11:34,861 --> 00:11:36,988 a sexy, 20-something president. 304 00:11:37,280 --> 00:11:38,823 - I play her siamese twin Nick, 305 00:11:39,115 --> 00:11:41,367 a down-on-his-luck but muscular Santa claus. 306 00:11:41,659 --> 00:11:43,786 - The movie is being directed by Michael ba... io, 307 00:11:44,078 --> 00:11:45,078 Scott Baio's uncle. 308 00:11:45,163 --> 00:11:46,915 - It comes out 13-13-13, 309 00:11:47,207 --> 00:11:49,417 which is January 13th, 2014. 310 00:11:49,709 --> 00:11:52,337 And the theme song will be, like, rap breakdown! 311 00:11:52,629 --> 00:11:54,505 ♪ Twins, twins, twins, twins ♪ 312 00:11:54,797 --> 00:11:56,966 - I know what you're thinking, Liz, 313 00:11:57,258 --> 00:11:59,498 but it is possible to have twins who are different races. 314 00:11:59,636 --> 00:12:01,721 - I saw it on Maury it was a episode entitled, 315 00:12:02,013 --> 00:12:04,515 my obese toddler did my stepfather's makeover. 316 00:12:04,807 --> 00:12:07,101 - We have two hours to save the show! 317 00:12:07,393 --> 00:12:09,437 But I guess I'll just do it alone, again! 318 00:12:09,729 --> 00:12:11,582 I'll ignore everything that's going on in my life 319 00:12:11,606 --> 00:12:13,066 and save your jobs for you. 320 00:12:13,358 --> 00:12:14,838 Just one question, out of curiosity... 321 00:12:14,984 --> 00:12:16,027 What would it take... 322 00:12:16,319 --> 00:12:17,919 - I just remembered, I gotta leave early. 323 00:12:17,987 --> 00:12:20,490 - What would it take for you people to ever 324 00:12:20,782 --> 00:12:23,910 step up and help me? Ever! 325 00:12:35,838 --> 00:12:37,006 - This is studio 6h. 326 00:12:37,298 --> 00:12:38,978 Do you know what's been shot on this Stage? 327 00:12:39,175 --> 00:12:41,552 TGS, the Joey Montero show, the lovebirds. 328 00:12:41,844 --> 00:12:42,844 - And the moon landing. 329 00:12:43,054 --> 00:12:46,474 Right this way. 330 00:12:53,815 --> 00:12:55,149 - Hello, young man. - Damn it! 331 00:12:55,441 --> 00:12:57,860 My Name is C.B. Essington. 332 00:12:58,152 --> 00:12:59,445 Now, listen to me carefully 333 00:12:59,737 --> 00:13:01,990 because I have a moral quandary for you. 334 00:13:02,282 --> 00:13:04,367 In Jack Donaghy's office, there's a brand-new script 335 00:13:04,659 --> 00:13:07,287 for a show that will change television. 336 00:13:07,578 --> 00:13:09,247 If you steal it for me, 337 00:13:09,539 --> 00:13:14,168 I promise you riches beyond your wildest dreams. 338 00:13:14,460 --> 00:13:15,878 - What? No. 339 00:13:16,170 --> 00:13:17,380 - Parcell! 340 00:13:17,672 --> 00:13:20,174 He past the test, sir! 341 00:13:20,466 --> 00:13:22,176 He refused to betray the network 342 00:13:22,468 --> 00:13:23,529 by stealing the script for that show 343 00:13:23,553 --> 00:13:25,096 about the catering company! 344 00:13:25,388 --> 00:13:28,224 ♪ Welcome to a world of magic ♪ 345 00:13:28,516 --> 00:13:30,476 - Kenneth, you are very close to being back 346 00:13:30,768 --> 00:13:32,145 in a janitor's uniform. 347 00:13:32,437 --> 00:13:33,104 - Oh, please, no. 348 00:13:33,396 --> 00:13:35,231 That fabric was made from toilet-clog hair. 349 00:13:35,523 --> 00:13:37,025 And there is nothing in the world 350 00:13:37,317 --> 00:13:40,153 that means more to me than this uniform. 351 00:13:40,445 --> 00:13:42,905 You know how much I love this place, sir. 352 00:13:43,197 --> 00:13:44,657 - You do peacock peacock. 353 00:13:44,949 --> 00:13:47,201 - So please listen to me when I tell you 354 00:13:47,493 --> 00:13:50,621 Mr. MacGuffin here is the man for the job. 355 00:13:50,913 --> 00:13:52,206 - Actually, Kenneth, I agree. 356 00:13:52,498 --> 00:13:54,125 Charlie, tell Kenneth here why 357 00:13:54,417 --> 00:13:55,497 you know so much about NBC. 358 00:13:55,585 --> 00:13:57,305 - Well, you have to know how something works 359 00:13:57,420 --> 00:13:58,731 if you're going to strip it for parts. 360 00:13:58,755 --> 00:14:01,341 - What? - Broadcast television is dying. 361 00:14:01,632 --> 00:14:03,426 The only move is to shut down the network, 362 00:14:03,718 --> 00:14:04,903 pull the copper out of the walls, 363 00:14:04,927 --> 00:14:06,554 and turn this building into a forever 21. 364 00:14:06,846 --> 00:14:09,057 - That's what you would do to NBC? 365 00:14:09,349 --> 00:14:11,589 - At some point, you gotta turn the horse into glue, Ken. 366 00:14:11,726 --> 00:14:13,978 - That is a waste of delicious dead horse. 367 00:14:14,270 --> 00:14:16,773 Mr. Donaghy, don't do this. 368 00:14:17,065 --> 00:14:20,109 He may have a fancy degree, and know lots of business terms, 369 00:14:20,401 --> 00:14:22,028 like "meeting" and "envelope." 370 00:14:22,320 --> 00:14:25,615 But if all he cares about is the bottom line, 371 00:14:25,907 --> 00:14:28,117 he's not right for the job. 372 00:14:28,409 --> 00:14:30,370 - Kenneth, you also just described me. 373 00:14:30,661 --> 00:14:32,830 Are you saying I wasn't right for the job? 374 00:14:33,122 --> 00:14:37,377 - No, sir. You were not. 375 00:14:42,006 --> 00:14:44,467 - I know you don't mean that. 376 00:14:44,759 --> 00:14:45,802 Kenneth? 377 00:14:46,094 --> 00:14:48,679 - Awk-ward! 378 00:14:52,350 --> 00:14:53,518 - What am I looking at? 379 00:14:53,810 --> 00:14:56,437 - I'm just hair and eyes. It's perfect. 380 00:14:56,729 --> 00:14:59,399 - Pete, a word? 381 00:14:59,690 --> 00:15:01,794 - I told you, we have to do everything on greenscreen. 382 00:15:01,818 --> 00:15:03,458 You're the one who wrote-all this says is 383 00:15:03,611 --> 00:15:05,251 "what if the jolly green giant was horny?" 384 00:15:05,405 --> 00:15:06,697 - It's a note from our sponsor. 385 00:15:06,989 --> 00:15:08,991 - Boo-yah! 386 00:15:11,744 --> 00:15:13,996 - Wait, what is that? Where's the band? 387 00:15:14,288 --> 00:15:16,416 - We can't afford a band... Or a union crew. 388 00:15:16,707 --> 00:15:18,668 - So what, we're using scabs? 389 00:15:18,960 --> 00:15:22,088 - You're not my girlfriend. You're nobody's girlfriend! 390 00:15:22,380 --> 00:15:23,673 - This is a disaster. 391 00:15:23,965 --> 00:15:26,134 - I think it's awesome, but full disclosure, 392 00:15:26,426 --> 00:15:27,677 I just drank ayahuasca. 393 00:15:27,969 --> 00:15:31,305 Not a good time, Criss. 394 00:15:31,597 --> 00:15:32,306 - You still at the office? 395 00:15:32,598 --> 00:15:33,808 Did you not get my messages? 396 00:15:34,100 --> 00:15:35,411 - I haven't had a second to do anything. 397 00:15:35,435 --> 00:15:36,662 Do you know what I had for lunch today? 398 00:15:36,686 --> 00:15:38,479 Two pieces of pizza, a garden salad, 399 00:15:38,771 --> 00:15:41,524 a cup of soup, this cookie thing with a jelly center. 400 00:15:41,816 --> 00:15:43,985 - I'm at JFK, Liz. The kids land in an hour. 401 00:15:44,277 --> 00:15:46,028 - What? - Bev's email had it backwards. 402 00:15:46,320 --> 00:15:48,156 They're not coming in on 1/29 on flight 124. 403 00:15:48,448 --> 00:15:50,992 They're coming in on 1/24 on flight 129. 404 00:15:51,284 --> 00:15:53,453 - Oh, my god, they're coming. - They're coming, Liz. 405 00:15:53,744 --> 00:15:55,504 The Kabletown board, they're on their way up. 406 00:15:55,788 --> 00:16:00,084 - I... I can't go. I can't leave work. 407 00:16:00,376 --> 00:16:01,854 - No, what are you talking about? You have to. 408 00:16:01,878 --> 00:16:03,718 - Compromises, Criss. Okay, so I won't be there 409 00:16:03,921 --> 00:16:06,424 when we meet our kids for the first time... so what? 410 00:16:06,716 --> 00:16:08,259 I'll be around for lots of other stuff. 411 00:16:08,551 --> 00:16:11,179 I mean, how important is being there this one time? 412 00:16:11,471 --> 00:16:13,723 - It's really important, Liz! You know that. 413 00:16:14,015 --> 00:16:15,659 - I also know that everyone here is counting on me 414 00:16:15,683 --> 00:16:17,101 to save their jobs right now. 415 00:16:17,393 --> 00:16:19,073 And nobody else can do it because, damn it, 416 00:16:19,353 --> 00:16:22,148 this is bro body douche presents the man cave, 417 00:16:22,440 --> 00:16:24,942 and I am Todd Debeikis! 418 00:16:25,234 --> 00:16:26,234 - No. 419 00:16:27,653 --> 00:16:30,323 - Guys, I'm worried about Todd. 420 00:16:33,701 --> 00:16:35,101 - I'm extraordinarily busy, Kenneth. 421 00:16:35,161 --> 00:16:36,829 - I assume you've made your decision. 422 00:16:37,121 --> 00:16:38,539 - Yes, I have. - Very well. 423 00:16:38,831 --> 00:16:40,291 But you should know that I refuse 424 00:16:40,583 --> 00:16:42,877 to watch this network get torn apart. 425 00:16:43,169 --> 00:16:44,921 - Kenneth... - You Kenneth! 426 00:16:45,213 --> 00:16:47,131 As much as it pains me, 427 00:16:47,423 --> 00:16:51,427 I have no choice but to quit the page program. 428 00:16:58,809 --> 00:17:01,938 - So shines a goon's deed in a weary world. 429 00:17:02,230 --> 00:17:03,856 Kenneth. 430 00:17:05,691 --> 00:17:08,152 Seven years, and I've never gotten it right. 431 00:17:08,444 --> 00:17:11,364 Every show I was sure would succeed... Failed. 432 00:17:11,656 --> 00:17:13,136 I mean, the monkey was funny, damn it. 433 00:17:13,407 --> 00:17:14,075 And then, when I tired to tank the network 434 00:17:14,367 --> 00:17:16,160 so Hank would sell it... - What's that now? 435 00:17:16,452 --> 00:17:17,119 - I actually made it better. 436 00:17:17,411 --> 00:17:19,455 Homonym is the first U.S. TV show 437 00:17:19,747 --> 00:17:21,249 to be broadcast in Iran. 438 00:17:21,541 --> 00:17:24,544 - Kalamayeh badee hast "sheer." "Sheer." 439 00:17:24,835 --> 00:17:27,255 - Chashp... uh... "Sheer" mesle gorbeh ye bozorg. 440 00:17:27,547 --> 00:17:29,048 - Nah. Ooh yekee deegast. 441 00:17:29,340 --> 00:17:31,384 Khak to saret! 442 00:17:31,676 --> 00:17:34,512 - Unlike every other place I've ever worked, 443 00:17:34,804 --> 00:17:37,098 this business makes no sense. 444 00:17:37,390 --> 00:17:39,100 And it doesn't matter if you went 445 00:17:39,392 --> 00:17:40,893 to Harvard business school or... 446 00:17:41,185 --> 00:17:42,371 - Your college mascot and president 447 00:17:42,395 --> 00:17:45,147 was a bear in a hat? - Exactly. 448 00:17:45,439 --> 00:17:47,650 This industry is totally irrational. 449 00:17:47,942 --> 00:17:49,569 So if all my credentials and degrees 450 00:17:49,860 --> 00:17:51,779 and experience don't matter, 451 00:17:52,071 --> 00:17:53,871 that means the only qualification for this job 452 00:17:54,073 --> 00:17:56,659 is... loving television. 453 00:17:56,951 --> 00:17:58,411 - What are you saying, sir? 454 00:17:58,703 --> 00:18:01,183 - I'm saying I'm finally going to do something for this network 455 00:18:01,414 --> 00:18:03,791 that I know is right. 456 00:18:04,083 --> 00:18:05,501 You like NBC, don't you, Kenneth? 457 00:18:05,793 --> 00:18:07,473 - Oh, I think it's the most wonderful place 458 00:18:07,545 --> 00:18:08,963 in the whole wide world. 459 00:18:09,255 --> 00:18:14,010 - Good. Because I'm giving it to you. 460 00:18:14,302 --> 00:18:15,344 The whole thing. 461 00:18:15,636 --> 00:18:16,971 You're the next president 462 00:18:17,263 --> 00:18:21,225 of the national broadcasting company. 463 00:18:43,623 --> 00:18:45,625 - Welcome to the man cave. 464 00:18:45,916 --> 00:18:48,961 TV for your peen. 465 00:18:49,253 --> 00:18:50,713 R.I.P., Todd. 466 00:18:55,217 --> 00:18:57,137 - Why isn't he in costume? - Ladies and gentlemen 467 00:18:57,219 --> 00:19:01,057 of the Kabletown board, I quit. 468 00:19:01,349 --> 00:19:04,769 - So do I. - What the hell are you doing? 469 00:19:05,061 --> 00:19:07,456 They're replaceable... we can get David Alan grier and miss piggy. 470 00:19:07,480 --> 00:19:09,023 - I'll tell you what we're doing, ll. 471 00:19:09,315 --> 00:19:10,816 We're finally stepping up. 472 00:19:11,108 --> 00:19:12,443 - This show is a disaster. 473 00:19:12,735 --> 00:19:15,488 Except for the very moving Todd Debeikis tribute. 474 00:19:15,780 --> 00:19:18,866 Todd, we'll miss you. 475 00:19:19,158 --> 00:19:20,910 - I know you want to save TGS, Lemon head, 476 00:19:21,202 --> 00:19:23,162 but there is no TGS to save. 477 00:19:23,454 --> 00:19:25,247 And you should be at the airport right now 478 00:19:25,539 --> 00:19:26,539 picking up your chili. 479 00:19:26,749 --> 00:19:27,792 - Children, Tracy. 480 00:19:28,084 --> 00:19:30,336 - Children? Why the hell are you still here? 481 00:19:30,628 --> 00:19:32,308 - We knew you'd never give up, so for once, 482 00:19:32,463 --> 00:19:35,675 let us step up and do what we do best... nothing. 483 00:19:35,966 --> 00:19:37,718 - You're doing this for me? 484 00:19:38,010 --> 00:19:40,763 - We all are. I quit, Liz. 485 00:19:41,055 --> 00:19:43,808 - Me too. 486 00:19:44,100 --> 00:19:45,559 - I quit. 487 00:19:45,851 --> 00:19:47,269 - Mommy's baby quits. 488 00:19:47,561 --> 00:19:49,063 - I actually quit two years ago. 489 00:19:49,355 --> 00:19:52,483 - Subhas out. Suck it! 490 00:19:58,447 --> 00:20:00,574 - Get out of here, lady! 491 00:20:06,914 --> 00:20:08,582 - I hit that. 492 00:20:13,879 --> 00:20:16,090 - Hang on. Is that them? 493 00:20:16,382 --> 00:20:17,800 Is that the twins? 494 00:20:18,092 --> 00:20:21,262 - No way! So it is possible. 495 00:20:21,554 --> 00:20:23,973 - Yeah, I saw it on Maury 496 00:20:26,851 --> 00:20:28,352 - is that a camera? 497 00:20:28,644 --> 00:20:31,647 I'm gonna need you on my good side. 498 00:20:31,939 --> 00:20:33,149 - What up, Liz Lemon? 499 00:20:33,441 --> 00:20:36,277 I will not be able to attend school tomorrow 500 00:20:36,569 --> 00:20:38,946 because of an issue with my lizard. 501 00:20:39,238 --> 00:20:41,574 - That seems about right. 502 00:20:53,210 --> 00:20:55,921 - ♪ Welcome to a world of magic ♪ 503 00:20:56,213 --> 00:20:58,841 ♪ where this nifty gadget full of batteries ♪ 504 00:20:59,133 --> 00:21:01,135 ♪ can funtertain your life ♪ 505 00:21:01,427 --> 00:21:04,805 ♪ welcome to a world of wonder ♪ 506 00:21:05,097 --> 00:21:07,391 ♪ moving at the speed of light ♪ 507 00:21:07,683 --> 00:21:09,393 ♪ press that button and invite ♪ 508 00:21:09,685 --> 00:21:12,897 ♪ us right into your home 'cause you must see ♪ 509 00:21:13,189 --> 00:21:15,649 ♪ a world of magic ♪ 510 00:21:15,941 --> 00:21:22,031 ♪ n... b... c ♪