1
00:00:03,420 --> 00:00:03,962
- I don't want to look.
2
00:00:04,254 --> 00:00:05,714
- Hey, come on.
This is a win-win.
3
00:00:06,006 --> 00:00:08,550
If it's positive, awesome.
We're having a baby.
4
00:00:08,842 --> 00:00:09,426
I want to name it frisbee.
5
00:00:09,718 --> 00:00:11,512
If it's negative, awesome.
6
00:00:11,803 --> 00:00:13,448
We're not going to fight
about the name frisbee,
7
00:00:13,472 --> 00:00:15,516
and we get disco
fries for breakfast,
8
00:00:15,807 --> 00:00:17,351
'cause we're sad.
9
00:00:21,104 --> 00:00:22,824
I bet it's me. All those
years trying to get
10
00:00:23,023 --> 00:00:24,343
on america's
funniest home videos.
11
00:00:24,608 --> 00:00:26,109
Oh!
12
00:00:29,488 --> 00:00:30,697
Ah!
13
00:00:30,989 --> 00:00:31,989
- It's just not fair.
14
00:00:32,115 --> 00:00:33,659
I mean, that guy gets a baby?
15
00:00:33,951 --> 00:00:36,495
What kind of idiot gives
a little kid orange soda?
16
00:00:36,787 --> 00:00:38,247
- Hey, dummies.
17
00:00:38,539 --> 00:00:40,749
- Hey, Dennis. Hey, buddy.
18
00:00:41,041 --> 00:00:42,960
- Why do you have a
baby? Is this a scam?
19
00:00:43,252 --> 00:00:43,961
- I don't need any scams.
20
00:00:44,253 --> 00:00:46,314
I got a brand new business
selling suicide insurance,
21
00:00:46,338 --> 00:00:47,338
and it's going great.
22
00:00:47,506 --> 00:00:49,716
And this baby? This
is my adopted son.
23
00:00:50,008 --> 00:00:51,488
Obviously he's
going to be an athlete,
24
00:00:51,552 --> 00:00:54,638
so I only gotta save up
for, like, one year of college.
25
00:00:54,930 --> 00:00:56,557
- Wait, they let
you adopt a baby?
26
00:00:56,848 --> 00:00:59,434
- If by "they," you mean
those guys or whatever,
27
00:00:59,726 --> 00:01:02,020
yeah, they let me and
my wife adopt a baby.
28
00:01:02,312 --> 00:01:04,147
You remember Megan
Duffy? Maiden name Duffy...
29
00:01:04,439 --> 00:01:05,482
Hopefully no relation.
30
00:01:05,774 --> 00:01:07,776
- I recognize you two.
Did we have a four-way?
31
00:01:08,068 --> 00:01:09,462
- No, St. Paddy's day,
remember, honey?
32
00:01:09,486 --> 00:01:10,654
- Wait, it is?
33
00:01:14,449 --> 00:01:15,534
- Yeah, we decided to adopt
34
00:01:15,826 --> 00:01:17,428
'cause Megan's real
career orientated right now,
35
00:01:17,452 --> 00:01:18,704
didn't want to wreck her boobs.
36
00:01:18,996 --> 00:01:21,248
Couple months later,
boom. We got black Dennis.
37
00:01:21,540 --> 00:01:23,750
- His name is black
Dennis? That is racist.
38
00:01:24,042 --> 00:01:24,668
- Yeah, right, Liz.
39
00:01:24,960 --> 00:01:27,796
The guy with the
black son is racist.
40
00:01:28,088 --> 00:01:29,506
Later days, dummies.
41
00:01:29,798 --> 00:01:31,758
21st century family
coming through.
42
00:01:32,050 --> 00:01:33,343
This is the new normal.
43
00:01:36,179 --> 00:01:44,179
♪ ♪
44
00:01:51,945 --> 00:01:54,781
- Tray, have you read any
of these movie scripts yet?
45
00:01:55,073 --> 00:01:56,873
- Yeah, I read the one
about a handsome genius
46
00:01:56,992 --> 00:01:59,036
who lied to two idiots
about reading scripts.
47
00:01:59,328 --> 00:02:01,705
- You've got to choose the
next project for your company,
48
00:02:01,997 --> 00:02:03,997
"dammit I'll pick a name
later Dotcom productions."
49
00:02:04,041 --> 00:02:05,310
You have pitch
meetings all morning.
50
00:02:05,334 --> 00:02:06,414
Okay, it's almost 11:00.
51
00:02:06,501 --> 00:02:07,669
Please send in my 8:00.
52
00:02:07,961 --> 00:02:09,588
- While on holiday in Tuscany,
53
00:02:09,880 --> 00:02:11,673
a middle-aged
divorcee falls in love
54
00:02:11,965 --> 00:02:13,425
with a lazy pervert
who's into hats.
55
00:02:13,717 --> 00:02:15,135
- In a world with
too much freedom,
56
00:02:15,427 --> 00:02:17,679
one young man
dared to be different.
57
00:02:17,971 --> 00:02:21,141
"Hitler, colon, the boy
who dreamed of stars."
58
00:02:21,433 --> 00:02:25,479
- It's a Harriet tubman biopic,
entitled the Moses of Maryland...
59
00:02:25,771 --> 00:02:27,356
- I'll buy it.
60
00:02:27,648 --> 00:02:29,048
Sorry, I was talking
on my Bluetooth
61
00:02:29,191 --> 00:02:30,817
to a guy at the octopus auction.
62
00:02:31,109 --> 00:02:32,109
I hate your idea.
63
00:02:32,235 --> 00:02:35,072
- Tracy, NBC universal
has acquired the film rights
64
00:02:35,364 --> 00:02:38,867
to the YouTube clip, "man
loses pants on trampoline."
65
00:02:39,159 --> 00:02:41,995
How would you like to
be the voice of Gaboing,
66
00:02:42,287 --> 00:02:46,291
the evil wizard who would take
jumping away from jumpland?
67
00:02:46,583 --> 00:02:48,377
- Thank you for coming in.
68
00:02:48,669 --> 00:02:50,962
Running a movie
studio is exhausting.
69
00:02:51,254 --> 00:02:52,422
I need a nap.
70
00:02:52,714 --> 00:02:55,300
Dotcom, tell us your
most interesting story.
71
00:02:55,592 --> 00:02:56,301
- Sorry, tray.
72
00:02:56,593 --> 00:02:59,012
The next item on the agenda
is your insurance physical.
73
00:02:59,304 --> 00:03:03,183
- Great. Worst day ever.
74
00:03:05,977 --> 00:03:09,106
- I mean, my name has been
on adoption lists for years.
75
00:03:09,398 --> 00:03:11,608
But Dennis Duffy gets a
baby because he's married?
76
00:03:11,900 --> 00:03:12,526
It's idiotic.
77
00:03:12,818 --> 00:03:14,861
You know who else
was married? Ted Bundy.
78
00:03:15,153 --> 00:03:17,155
- I don't think so, Liz.
- Really? So handsome.
79
00:03:17,447 --> 00:03:19,116
Is he still alive?
80
00:03:19,408 --> 00:03:21,952
The point is, anyone
can get married.
81
00:03:22,244 --> 00:03:23,964
What, all of a sudden
you're a better parent
82
00:03:24,079 --> 00:03:25,497
because you signed
a piece of paper?
83
00:03:25,789 --> 00:03:26,891
- Yeah, we're as
committed to each other
84
00:03:26,915 --> 00:03:27,999
as any married couple.
85
00:03:28,291 --> 00:03:29,519
- We live together,
we love each other.
86
00:03:29,543 --> 00:03:30,863
I ignore it when
you eat popsicles
87
00:03:31,044 --> 00:03:33,505
by biting them with your
teeth, which is insane...
88
00:03:33,797 --> 00:03:34,798
- I love popsicles.
89
00:03:35,090 --> 00:03:36,717
- We might as well
be married, so...
90
00:03:37,008 --> 00:03:39,261
- so let's do it.
91
00:03:39,553 --> 00:03:41,553
Let's get married, like
every other idiot on earth.
92
00:03:41,722 --> 00:03:43,807
- Me need a piece of
paper to know how to feel.
93
00:03:44,099 --> 00:03:47,018
- Der, Liz marry Criss?
94
00:03:47,310 --> 00:03:48,395
- Doy.
- Er.
95
00:03:48,687 --> 00:03:49,855
Ey... wait, was that a yes?
96
00:03:50,147 --> 00:03:51,148
Are we getting married?
97
00:03:51,440 --> 00:03:52,440
- Yeah, let's do this.
98
00:03:52,649 --> 00:03:54,127
We get a license today,
get married tomorrow.
99
00:03:54,151 --> 00:03:56,820
Blammo. Engaged.
100
00:03:57,112 --> 00:03:58,780
Top gun style.
101
00:03:59,072 --> 00:04:00,115
- Thank you.
102
00:04:00,407 --> 00:04:02,701
- Jenna Maroney,
you are my slave.
103
00:04:02,993 --> 00:04:03,993
- What?
104
00:04:04,077 --> 00:04:06,180
But the Sheik who won me in
that poker game was beheaded.
105
00:04:06,204 --> 00:04:06,830
- No, do you remember in 1994,
106
00:04:07,122 --> 00:04:09,458
you made a commercial
for surge cola?
107
00:04:09,750 --> 00:04:11,060
- For 100 surge points,
I got these shades.
108
00:04:11,084 --> 00:04:12,084
- Oh yeah?
109
00:04:12,169 --> 00:04:15,130
For 500 surge points,
I got this leather jacket.
110
00:04:15,422 --> 00:04:16,715
I can beat that.
111
00:04:17,007 --> 00:04:18,800
- For a million
points, he got me.
112
00:04:19,092 --> 00:04:21,178
Surge. Suck it down.
113
00:04:21,470 --> 00:04:23,054
Oh, I remember that.
114
00:04:23,346 --> 00:04:25,891
My boyfriend was supposed
to pick me up after that shoot,
115
00:04:26,183 --> 00:04:26,767
so I called him, and I was like,
116
00:04:27,058 --> 00:04:28,578
"O.J., where are
you?" And he was like,
117
00:04:28,852 --> 00:04:30,604
"wait, you're alive?
Then who did I kill?"
118
00:04:30,896 --> 00:04:33,523
- For 17 years, I've been
buying up old cases of surge cola,
119
00:04:33,815 --> 00:04:35,901
and now I have one
million surge points.
120
00:04:36,193 --> 00:04:39,821
And that means I own you.
121
00:04:43,158 --> 00:04:45,911
- Hey, Jack. Do I look
positively glowing?
122
00:04:46,203 --> 00:04:47,805
- Well, you do have
the wind-battered face
123
00:04:47,829 --> 00:04:50,229
of a new england COD fisherman,
if that's what you're asking.
124
00:04:50,457 --> 00:04:53,001
- No, I'm getting married. Jeez.
125
00:04:53,293 --> 00:04:56,463
- Lemon, that is
wonderful. To Criss, right?
126
00:04:56,755 --> 00:04:58,840
This isn't one of those
Internet marriage scams
127
00:04:59,132 --> 00:05:00,318
where they prey on the elderly?
128
00:05:00,342 --> 00:05:01,342
- Yes, to Criss.
129
00:05:01,426 --> 00:05:03,053
- Then wonderful.
130
00:05:03,345 --> 00:05:04,489
- No, but the wedding
is not a big deal.
131
00:05:04,513 --> 00:05:05,639
I mean, it's just a...
132
00:05:05,931 --> 00:05:07,808
Oh, my god, this is the
best hug I've ever had.
133
00:05:08,099 --> 00:05:09,226
- I know.
134
00:05:09,518 --> 00:05:11,758
- Anyway, it's just a formality,
for if we want to adopt.
135
00:05:11,895 --> 00:05:13,080
We're going down
to city hall tomorrow.
136
00:05:13,104 --> 00:05:13,772
It's no big whoop.
137
00:05:14,064 --> 00:05:16,024
- But it should be
a very big whoop.
138
00:05:16,316 --> 00:05:17,585
Lemon, this is your special day.
139
00:05:17,609 --> 00:05:19,361
Plan a real wedding.
140
00:05:19,653 --> 00:05:20,946
I'll get Tony Bennett to sing.
141
00:05:21,238 --> 00:05:23,573
I saved his life in an
illegal pai gow game once.
142
00:05:23,865 --> 00:05:24,865
He owes me a favor.
143
00:05:24,991 --> 00:05:27,094
And you can wear that
wedding dress that you bought...
144
00:05:27,118 --> 00:05:27,536
- no, I can't.
145
00:05:27,828 --> 00:05:29,388
I got rid of that
after hurricane Irene.
146
00:05:29,538 --> 00:05:31,182
I had forgotten to
stock up on toilet paper,
147
00:05:31,206 --> 00:05:33,416
but I had remembered to
stock up on seven layer dip...
148
00:05:33,708 --> 00:05:34,793
- I got it.
149
00:05:35,085 --> 00:05:36,103
- You know, I just don't
care about this stuff.
150
00:05:36,127 --> 00:05:37,287
I don't want a "special day."
151
00:05:37,337 --> 00:05:38,630
I don't want to be a Princess.
152
00:05:38,922 --> 00:05:40,274
- But Lemon, you
were a little girl once.
153
00:05:40,298 --> 00:05:41,698
Didn't you dream
about your wedding?
154
00:05:41,925 --> 00:05:42,551
- In my own way.
155
00:05:42,843 --> 00:05:45,178
Sol Rosenbear and I
would like to thank everyone
156
00:05:45,470 --> 00:05:47,347
for coming to our
destination wedding
157
00:05:47,639 --> 00:05:48,849
here on the love boat.
158
00:05:49,140 --> 00:05:51,017
Unfortunately,
sol has discovered
159
00:05:51,309 --> 00:05:53,603
my previous
relationship with gopher,
160
00:05:53,895 --> 00:05:55,605
so he will be
seeking an annulment
161
00:05:55,897 --> 00:05:57,858
once we reach Puerto Vallarta.
162
00:05:58,149 --> 00:06:01,111
I realized a long time ago
that weddings aren't about love.
163
00:06:01,403 --> 00:06:04,447
They're just a giant industry
that preys on gender stereotypes
164
00:06:04,739 --> 00:06:07,117
to make adult women
spend a ton of money
165
00:06:07,409 --> 00:06:08,427
and act like selfish children.
166
00:06:08,451 --> 00:06:11,371
I mean, have you seen
wedding bitches on bravo?
167
00:06:11,663 --> 00:06:13,303
- Maybe there's not
going to be a wedding.
168
00:06:13,498 --> 00:06:15,000
You're ruining my special day.
169
00:06:15,292 --> 00:06:18,336
Ma, what the are you wearing?
170
00:06:18,628 --> 00:06:20,589
- I remember when
bravo used to air operas.
171
00:06:20,881 --> 00:06:22,066
- I reject the
wedding industry's
172
00:06:22,090 --> 00:06:24,342
phallocentric fairy
tale grotesquerie.
173
00:06:24,634 --> 00:06:26,344
So tomorrow, Liz
Lemon is getting married
174
00:06:26,636 --> 00:06:28,305
in a sweatshirt, no bra.
175
00:06:28,597 --> 00:06:29,657
- Oh, for god's sakes, Lemon,
176
00:06:29,681 --> 00:06:31,683
don't take a stand
about your own wedding.
177
00:06:31,975 --> 00:06:33,286
Think about that kid
you're trying to adopt.
178
00:06:33,310 --> 00:06:35,604
What will you tell him if
he asks to see pictures?
179
00:06:35,896 --> 00:06:39,065
I will tell her or it that I
took an amazing stand
180
00:06:39,357 --> 00:06:42,027
against the wedding
industrial complex.
181
00:06:42,319 --> 00:06:45,447
We are registered
at popcorn palace.
182
00:06:54,331 --> 00:06:54,956
- All right.
183
00:06:55,248 --> 00:06:55,874
Now that I've finished
184
00:06:56,166 --> 00:06:58,168
with my handwriting
sample for the FBI,
185
00:06:58,460 --> 00:07:01,296
let's look at your test results.
186
00:07:01,588 --> 00:07:02,708
Oh, this is puzzling, Tracy.
187
00:07:02,839 --> 00:07:05,342
There doesn't seem to be
anything wrong with you at all.
188
00:07:05,634 --> 00:07:06,634
- What?
189
00:07:06,676 --> 00:07:07,385
- I guess we've replaced
190
00:07:07,677 --> 00:07:08,696
so much of you over the years
191
00:07:08,720 --> 00:07:10,931
that you're maybe
not you anymore,
192
00:07:11,222 --> 00:07:12,515
but you're healthy.
193
00:07:12,807 --> 00:07:14,643
- No, this isn't happening.
194
00:07:14,935 --> 00:07:15,518
- This is good news.
195
00:07:15,810 --> 00:07:17,520
- No, it's not.
196
00:07:17,812 --> 00:07:19,439
I always assumed I'd die young,
197
00:07:19,731 --> 00:07:22,400
because, you know, I look
so much like James Dean.
198
00:07:22,692 --> 00:07:25,403
And that gave me the freedom
to live without consequences.
199
00:07:25,695 --> 00:07:27,447
That's why I'm always
breaking the law,
200
00:07:27,739 --> 00:07:29,950
buying exotic sharks,
forgetting to feed them,
201
00:07:30,241 --> 00:07:31,368
and then trying to hug them.
202
00:07:31,660 --> 00:07:33,161
I couldn't do
cool stuff like that
203
00:07:33,453 --> 00:07:35,497
if I knew I'd be alive for...
204
00:07:35,789 --> 00:07:37,666
How many years, Dr. Spaceman?
205
00:07:37,958 --> 00:07:39,542
- 40, maybe 50.
206
00:07:39,834 --> 00:07:41,836
I'm sorry.
207
00:07:42,128 --> 00:07:43,564
Look, I'm not happy
about this, either.
208
00:07:43,588 --> 00:07:45,274
The money I've made
off your health problems
209
00:07:45,298 --> 00:07:47,509
has put me almost all the
way through medical school.
210
00:07:47,801 --> 00:07:50,071
- I'm going to have to start
living like there's a tomorrow.
211
00:07:50,095 --> 00:07:52,472
Open an I.R.A. Brush my teeth.
212
00:07:52,764 --> 00:07:54,557
Drink eight glasses
a day of that stuff.
213
00:07:54,849 --> 00:07:57,727
You know, clear bathtub juice?
214
00:07:58,019 --> 00:07:59,413
- Tracy, I'm afraid I
don't have a pamphlet
215
00:07:59,437 --> 00:08:00,730
to help you get through this.
216
00:08:01,022 --> 00:08:02,857
But I do have a
pamphlet that has a bunch
217
00:08:03,149 --> 00:08:04,985
of drawings of vaginas.
218
00:08:05,276 --> 00:08:07,445
- I'll take it.
219
00:08:11,449 --> 00:08:12,867
- To make a long story short,
220
00:08:13,159 --> 00:08:14,953
I need to be let out
of my TGS contract.
221
00:08:15,245 --> 00:08:17,914
I'm moving to Arizona to be
with my new slave master, Terry,
222
00:08:18,206 --> 00:08:19,833
to live in a birdcage he built.
223
00:08:20,125 --> 00:08:21,352
- Ah, why don't you
both have a seat?
224
00:08:21,376 --> 00:08:23,253
- You may sit.
225
00:08:23,545 --> 00:08:25,189
- Now, Terry, I suspect
you know it's illegal
226
00:08:25,213 --> 00:08:27,507
for someone to own
another human being.
227
00:08:27,799 --> 00:08:30,093
- Fine, but according
to the contest rules.
228
00:08:30,385 --> 00:08:34,597
Either I collect my prize, or
her equivalent cash value.
229
00:08:34,889 --> 00:08:35,432
- Ah, I see.
230
00:08:35,724 --> 00:08:37,851
So you'd be just as
happy with the money.
231
00:08:38,143 --> 00:08:39,769
- Terry, is this true?
232
00:08:40,061 --> 00:08:41,980
- I've done the math,
and taking into account
233
00:08:42,272 --> 00:08:43,898
Jenna's salary and
earning potential,
234
00:08:44,190 --> 00:08:48,611
I've calculated that
she's worth $800,000.
235
00:08:48,903 --> 00:08:52,157
- Uh, let's say Jenna was
worth that in her prime.
236
00:08:52,449 --> 00:08:53,742
That was ten years ago.
237
00:08:55,410 --> 00:08:57,090
- She has certainly
depreciated since then.
238
00:08:57,328 --> 00:08:59,873
Jenna is becoming more
unemployable by the moment.
239
00:09:00,165 --> 00:09:02,542
And thanks to
decades of partying,
240
00:09:02,834 --> 00:09:05,128
Jenna's internal organs
will get you nothing
241
00:09:05,420 --> 00:09:05,795
on the black market.
242
00:09:06,087 --> 00:09:07,714
She's an emotional train wreck.
243
00:09:08,006 --> 00:09:09,799
- Daddy, why are you doing this?
244
00:09:10,091 --> 00:09:13,011
- A seventh grade
education, hepatitis d,
245
00:09:13,303 --> 00:09:16,639
bullet in jaw, fatwa,
credit card debt,
246
00:09:16,931 --> 00:09:18,641
wanted by the yakuza...
247
00:09:18,933 --> 00:09:20,894
Jenna Maroney is worth...
248
00:09:23,730 --> 00:09:24,730
$2,000.
249
00:09:24,898 --> 00:09:26,733
- Fine.
250
00:09:27,025 --> 00:09:28,627
In Arizona, two grand
will buy me a castle
251
00:09:28,651 --> 00:09:31,321
and a pillowcase full of meth.
252
00:09:33,323 --> 00:09:35,492
Make it out to
"doomsday enterprises."
253
00:09:36,576 --> 00:09:39,329
- ♪ Missed the Saturday dance ♪
254
00:09:39,621 --> 00:09:42,582
♪ heard they crowded the floor ♪
255
00:09:44,292 --> 00:09:48,922
- ♪ Couldn't bear
it without you ♪
256
00:09:49,214 --> 00:09:54,844
♪ don't get around
much anymore ♪
257
00:09:55,136 --> 00:09:59,307
♪ darling, I guess ♪
258
00:09:59,599 --> 00:10:04,104
♪ my mind's more at ease ♪
259
00:10:04,395 --> 00:10:08,149
♪ but nevertheless ♪
260
00:10:08,441 --> 00:10:11,277
♪ why stir up memories? ♪
261
00:10:11,569 --> 00:10:13,238
♪ Been invited on dates ♪
262
00:10:13,530 --> 00:10:15,281
- Good-bye, bitey.
263
00:10:15,573 --> 00:10:17,493
Well, I guess I need to
read all of these scripts
264
00:10:17,617 --> 00:10:20,203
to determine which one
has the greatest probability
265
00:10:20,495 --> 00:10:24,290
of succeeding in this ever
changing global marketplace.
266
00:10:24,582 --> 00:10:26,126
I used to only
say stuff like that
267
00:10:26,417 --> 00:10:27,877
in my white nerd voice.
268
00:10:28,169 --> 00:10:32,549
- ♪ Don't get around
much anymore ♪
269
00:10:37,178 --> 00:10:38,578
- Jeez, I feel like
we're at a deli.
270
00:10:38,763 --> 00:10:41,516
- Deli? Save it for
the honeymoon.
271
00:10:41,808 --> 00:10:43,726
Okay, you take our
paperwork to the clerk,
272
00:10:44,018 --> 00:10:45,562
because black women love you.
273
00:10:45,854 --> 00:10:47,939
- Oh, I see you over
there, you little gumdrop.
274
00:10:48,231 --> 00:10:49,983
Don't hide from Shanice.
275
00:10:50,275 --> 00:10:52,515
- I'll get us some witnesses,
and then we'll get married,
276
00:10:52,735 --> 00:10:54,320
and magically become
amazing parents,
277
00:10:54,612 --> 00:10:56,906
just like the Hiltons.
278
00:10:57,198 --> 00:11:01,244
- Oh, here he comes. Mm, mm, mm.
279
00:11:01,536 --> 00:11:04,372
I'll give you a bath in
the sink, like a baby.
280
00:11:04,664 --> 00:11:06,708
Ooh-wee!
281
00:11:07,000 --> 00:11:09,085
- Excuse me, what
number are you guys?
282
00:11:09,377 --> 00:11:11,105
Would you be able to
stay and be our witnesses?
283
00:11:11,129 --> 00:11:13,089
- You really didn't invite
anyone to your wedding?
284
00:11:13,298 --> 00:11:14,841
- No, I mean, who cares, right?
285
00:11:15,133 --> 00:11:15,592
We're at city hall.
286
00:11:15,884 --> 00:11:17,343
You guys are
wearing Mets t-shirts.
287
00:11:17,635 --> 00:11:19,721
- Yeah, 'cause we were
wearing them when we first...
288
00:11:20,013 --> 00:11:21,013
Both: Met.
289
00:11:21,097 --> 00:11:22,177
- My god, you're beautiful.
290
00:11:22,265 --> 00:11:25,351
- This is the greatest
day of my life.
291
00:11:25,643 --> 00:11:27,103
Now, let me guess.
292
00:11:27,395 --> 00:11:29,582
You guys are dressed like that
'cause you met at a laundromat
293
00:11:29,606 --> 00:11:31,274
after you both ran
out of clean clothes.
294
00:11:31,566 --> 00:11:33,693
- No, it's 'cause this
is just a piece of paper.
295
00:11:33,985 --> 00:11:36,404
- Oh, that's us!
That's our number!
296
00:11:36,696 --> 00:11:39,741
Come on, our number.
297
00:11:47,874 --> 00:11:48,874
- You okay?
298
00:11:49,125 --> 00:11:50,227
- Yeah, you know, I just thought
299
00:11:50,251 --> 00:11:51,891
there'd be more people
here in gym clothes
300
00:11:51,920 --> 00:11:53,280
carrying bags
full of toilet paper.
301
00:11:53,504 --> 00:11:55,024
- Look, we don't
have to do it this way.
302
00:11:55,048 --> 00:11:56,525
You know, I always
imagined getting married
303
00:11:56,549 --> 00:11:57,818
right when they
take your picture
304
00:11:57,842 --> 00:11:58,843
on splash mountain.
305
00:11:59,135 --> 00:12:00,428
But weddings are
about the bride,
306
00:12:00,720 --> 00:12:01,864
so if you want
your special day...
307
00:12:01,888 --> 00:12:03,048
- I don't need a special day.
308
00:12:03,306 --> 00:12:04,450
You know, the first
wedding I ever went to,
309
00:12:04,474 --> 00:12:06,267
I was a flower girl
for my aunt Linda.
310
00:12:06,559 --> 00:12:08,037
When they said, "you
may now kiss the bride,"
311
00:12:08,061 --> 00:12:10,521
I did my first ever eye roll.
312
00:12:12,190 --> 00:12:14,525
And today, I honor
that little girl's eye roll
313
00:12:14,817 --> 00:12:16,194
with this masterpiece.
314
00:12:19,530 --> 00:12:23,451
♪ ♪
315
00:12:23,743 --> 00:12:26,621
That's how much Liz Lemon
cares about having a special day.
316
00:12:26,913 --> 00:12:28,998
- Great, 'cause I forgot
my birth certificate.
317
00:12:29,290 --> 00:12:29,958
- Are you kidding me, Chros?
318
00:12:30,250 --> 00:12:31,450
- And even though Shanice said
319
00:12:31,584 --> 00:12:33,144
she'd let it slide if
I sat on her hand,
320
00:12:33,920 --> 00:12:34,921
- What?
321
00:12:35,213 --> 00:12:35,672
- Liz Lemon, I haven't
seen anything in the news
322
00:12:35,964 --> 00:12:39,259
about attitudes towards
marriage changing forever
323
00:12:39,550 --> 00:12:40,718
because of one brave woman.
324
00:12:41,010 --> 00:12:42,010
Is everything okay?
325
00:12:42,178 --> 00:12:43,178
- Everything's fine.
326
00:12:43,346 --> 00:12:44,430
- I emailed Tony Bennett,
327
00:12:44,722 --> 00:12:45,824
just in case you
came to your senses.
328
00:12:45,848 --> 00:12:48,142
He's singing at the white
house, but will cancel for me.
329
00:12:48,434 --> 00:12:50,228
Oh, also, I told
him you're Italian,
330
00:12:50,520 --> 00:12:52,647
so he might call you "Tina."
331
00:12:53,898 --> 00:12:54,524
- Okay, so we'll
take another number,
332
00:12:54,816 --> 00:12:55,816
I'll get some witnesses,
333
00:12:55,900 --> 00:12:56,609
you'll get your
birth certificate.
334
00:12:56,901 --> 00:12:57,901
It's not wedding stress.
335
00:12:57,944 --> 00:12:59,104
I'm no more annoyed right now
336
00:12:59,237 --> 00:13:00,506
than I was when
you got that haircut
337
00:13:00,530 --> 00:13:02,657
without consulting me.
338
00:13:05,368 --> 00:13:06,536
- Oh, yeah.
339
00:13:06,828 --> 00:13:09,831
You can walk away from
me all day, you little tiger cub.
340
00:13:12,667 --> 00:13:17,880
I work at the marriage bureau,
but I'll never get married.
341
00:13:19,716 --> 00:13:22,302
- Sir, we have a big problem.
342
00:13:27,640 --> 00:13:29,660
- I didn't want anyone to
see me like this, she lied.
343
00:13:29,684 --> 00:13:31,120
- Jenna, when I said
what you were worth,
344
00:13:31,144 --> 00:13:32,729
that was a negotiation tactic.
345
00:13:33,021 --> 00:13:34,021
- $2,000, Jack?
346
00:13:34,272 --> 00:13:36,858
I've stolen more than that
from my cleaning lady's purse.
347
00:13:37,150 --> 00:13:39,736
- In this market, $2,000
is more than respectable.
348
00:13:40,028 --> 00:13:40,695
I mean, look at Kenneth.
349
00:13:40,987 --> 00:13:42,780
He's worth $5, tops.
350
00:13:43,072 --> 00:13:45,450
I'm going to hold
you to that, sir.
351
00:13:45,742 --> 00:13:47,382
- Is that supposed to
make me feel better?
352
00:13:47,535 --> 00:13:49,370
Everyone around
here is human garbage.
353
00:13:49,662 --> 00:13:52,540
- Okay, well, then, look at me.
354
00:13:52,832 --> 00:13:55,126
If you're past your
prime, then so am I.
355
00:13:55,418 --> 00:13:56,461
I've been divorced twice.
356
00:13:56,753 --> 00:13:58,953
I'm at an age where I no
longer need erectile softeners.
357
00:13:59,172 --> 00:14:01,132
I'm number two at an
American television company,
358
00:14:01,424 --> 00:14:03,301
with no possibility
of promotion.
359
00:14:03,593 --> 00:14:04,737
I'll probably die in this job.
360
00:14:04,761 --> 00:14:06,512
I've already had
one heart attack.
361
00:14:06,804 --> 00:14:08,284
I used to be a young
man with promise.
362
00:14:08,556 --> 00:14:10,183
I coined the phrase,
"you wish, pal."
363
00:14:10,475 --> 00:14:12,393
But now, I'm sitting here
364
00:14:12,685 --> 00:14:14,437
trying to cheer up
a $2,000 actress,
365
00:14:14,729 --> 00:14:18,649
because a janitor said
I hurt her feelings, so...
366
00:14:18,941 --> 00:14:20,276
Oh, god.
367
00:14:20,568 --> 00:14:21,652
I'm worth less than you.
368
00:14:21,944 --> 00:14:26,949
- Oh, thank you, Jack.
369
00:14:27,241 --> 00:14:29,452
- What are you doing? Why
did you change your clothes?
370
00:14:29,744 --> 00:14:30,453
- Well, this is
what I was wearing
371
00:14:30,745 --> 00:14:31,847
when we met in riverside park.
372
00:14:31,871 --> 00:14:32,538
Remember, you
said, "nice turtleneck."
373
00:14:32,830 --> 00:14:33,122
- No, I said...
374
00:14:33,414 --> 00:14:34,734
"Nice turtleneck."
375
00:14:34,874 --> 00:14:35,458
- And thank you again.
376
00:14:35,750 --> 00:14:37,019
- Great, so now
you're more dressed up
377
00:14:37,043 --> 00:14:38,163
than I am at my own wedding,
378
00:14:38,211 --> 00:14:40,004
but whatever. I got witnesses.
379
00:14:40,296 --> 00:14:41,547
These guys were in the park,
380
00:14:41,839 --> 00:14:43,039
either fighting or having sex.
381
00:14:43,174 --> 00:14:44,759
- Okay, well, I
thought it might be nice
382
00:14:45,051 --> 00:14:45,760
to have a witness
we actually know.
383
00:14:46,052 --> 00:14:46,761
Of course, it had to be someone
384
00:14:47,053 --> 00:14:48,853
with nothing to do on a
Wednesday afternoon...
385
00:14:48,888 --> 00:14:49,555
- no, no, no. You didn't.
386
00:14:49,847 --> 00:14:50,932
- Mazel tov, dummies.
387
00:14:51,224 --> 00:14:52,264
You're Jewish, right, Liz?
388
00:14:52,517 --> 00:14:54,352
- Oh, my god. What
is wrong with you?
389
00:14:54,644 --> 00:14:55,311
You forgot your
birth certificate,
390
00:14:55,603 --> 00:14:56,603
you invited Dennis.
391
00:14:56,687 --> 00:14:57,915
If you can't take
this seriously,
392
00:14:57,939 --> 00:14:58,439
maybe there's not
going to be a wedding.
393
00:14:58,731 --> 00:15:02,193
- Okay, is this a
big deal or not?
394
00:15:02,485 --> 00:15:03,486
- I don't know.
395
00:15:03,778 --> 00:15:05,696
It's not the most
important day of my life.
396
00:15:05,988 --> 00:15:07,628
Getting my show picked
up, or meeting you,
397
00:15:07,782 --> 00:15:09,951
or the time I got a sleeve
of starburst with all pink,
398
00:15:10,243 --> 00:15:11,869
those were all
more important days.
399
00:15:12,161 --> 00:15:13,579
- So you're yelling
at me because...
400
00:15:13,871 --> 00:15:14,871
- because I'm Liz Lemon.
401
00:15:15,039 --> 00:15:16,850
My parents spent the money
they saved up for my wedding
402
00:15:16,874 --> 00:15:17,917
on a P.T. cruiser.
403
00:15:18,209 --> 00:15:19,752
I have been sure for a long time
404
00:15:20,044 --> 00:15:20,753
that this was never
going to happen,
405
00:15:21,045 --> 00:15:22,380
and I was fine with it.
406
00:15:22,672 --> 00:15:23,672
Ergo, it couldn't matter.
407
00:15:23,881 --> 00:15:24,881
- "Ergo."
408
00:15:25,049 --> 00:15:26,884
Affleck's finally going
to get that Oscar.
409
00:15:28,886 --> 00:15:30,513
And I'm still 90% right.
410
00:15:30,805 --> 00:15:32,473
It's stupid. It doesn't matter.
411
00:15:32,765 --> 00:15:33,349
Guess what?
412
00:15:33,641 --> 00:15:35,201
You wasted a lot of
money on that dress.
413
00:15:35,351 --> 00:15:36,911
- Oh, actually, it was
my grandmother's.
414
00:15:37,103 --> 00:15:38,563
She made it out
of parachute silk
415
00:15:38,855 --> 00:15:40,231
while hiding from the Germans.
416
00:15:40,523 --> 00:15:41,523
- Shut up.
417
00:15:41,774 --> 00:15:42,775
And then you came along,
418
00:15:43,067 --> 00:15:44,402
and now we're doing this,
419
00:15:44,694 --> 00:15:46,821
and a tiny little part
of me that I hate
420
00:15:47,113 --> 00:15:48,739
wants to be a Princess.
421
00:15:49,031 --> 00:15:50,992
- Liz, it's okay to
be a human woman.
422
00:15:51,284 --> 00:15:52,952
- No, it's not. It's the worst,
423
00:15:53,244 --> 00:15:54,704
because of society.
424
00:15:54,996 --> 00:15:55,580
- I mean, why do you
watch wedding bitches
425
00:15:55,872 --> 00:15:56,872
in the first place?
426
00:15:57,081 --> 00:16:02,211
And why did I find this hidden
under your underwear ball?
427
00:16:08,551 --> 00:16:09,844
- Sol Rosenbear.
428
00:16:10,136 --> 00:16:14,640
He never got enough time in
his garden before he passed.
429
00:16:14,932 --> 00:16:16,684
I want today to be special.
430
00:16:16,976 --> 00:16:18,186
- God, do you have any idea
431
00:16:18,478 --> 00:16:20,354
how hard it was to
get you to admit that?
432
00:16:20,646 --> 00:16:22,440
"I forgot my birth certificate."
433
00:16:22,732 --> 00:16:24,442
"Let's invite Dennis."
434
00:16:24,734 --> 00:16:25,934
You were playing me.
435
00:16:26,152 --> 00:16:27,945
"I'll wear my
stupid turtleneck."
436
00:16:28,237 --> 00:16:29,256
- Wait, you think it's stupid?
437
00:16:29,280 --> 00:16:29,822
- We're going to
get married today,
438
00:16:30,114 --> 00:16:31,354
but we're going to do it right.
439
00:16:31,407 --> 00:16:32,447
We need rings and flowers,
440
00:16:32,533 --> 00:16:33,802
and I'm going to
put on deodorant,
441
00:16:33,826 --> 00:16:34,928
and you're going to wear a suit
442
00:16:34,952 --> 00:16:37,163
that makes you look like a
little marzipan candy man.
443
00:16:37,455 --> 00:16:42,543
So let's go, people.
It's my special day.
444
00:16:42,835 --> 00:16:44,921
- The Moses of Maryland.
445
00:16:45,213 --> 00:16:45,880
Page one.
446
00:16:46,172 --> 00:16:50,384
"Open on: Interior Maryland
slave shack, the year 18..."
447
00:16:55,223 --> 00:16:57,850
- Tracy. Tracy.
448
00:16:58,142 --> 00:17:00,019
Tracy, it's me, Harriet tubman.
449
00:17:00,311 --> 00:17:01,646
- Harriet?
450
00:17:01,938 --> 00:17:03,564
What is this place?
451
00:17:03,856 --> 00:17:06,484
- Don't you know?
It's your mind.
452
00:17:06,776 --> 00:17:08,096
We aren't so
different, you and I.
453
00:17:08,194 --> 00:17:09,194
You grew up in the Bronx.
454
00:17:09,362 --> 00:17:13,491
I grew up interior Maryland
slave shack, the year 18.
455
00:17:13,783 --> 00:17:14,927
And while I dreamed of becoming
456
00:17:14,951 --> 00:17:17,578
the first woman to
surf around the world...
457
00:17:17,870 --> 00:17:19,830
Really? Is that
what you think I did?
458
00:17:20,122 --> 00:17:21,802
- I only read the first
page of the script.
459
00:17:21,916 --> 00:17:23,334
- Use context clues.
460
00:17:23,626 --> 00:17:24,877
- Whatever. I'm dead now.
461
00:17:25,169 --> 00:17:25,628
- Oh, no, Tracy.
You're not dead.
462
00:17:25,920 --> 00:17:27,296
I told you, we're in your mind.
463
00:17:27,588 --> 00:17:29,549
Why else would Harriet
tubman look and sound
464
00:17:29,840 --> 00:17:31,509
like your boss, Jim Dennison...
465
00:17:31,801 --> 00:17:33,427
Oh, come on. You
know that's wrong.
466
00:17:33,719 --> 00:17:34,719
- Wait a minute.
467
00:17:34,887 --> 00:17:36,698
If this is my mind, I should
be able to control you.
468
00:17:36,722 --> 00:17:38,122
- No, no, that only
works in dreams.
469
00:17:38,182 --> 00:17:41,519
- Eat a corn on the
cob, and make it sexy.
470
00:17:43,104 --> 00:17:44,105
Great, so I'm not dead.
471
00:17:44,397 --> 00:17:46,277
I'm going to have to
keep on living forever now.
472
00:17:46,440 --> 00:17:49,402
- No, my homie. I can
say that, because I'm you.
473
00:17:49,694 --> 00:17:51,094
It doesn't matter
if you're healthy.
474
00:17:51,195 --> 00:17:53,035
At any moment, you
could still get hit by a cab
475
00:17:53,322 --> 00:17:54,322
just crossing the street.
476
00:17:54,490 --> 00:17:55,658
- Right.
477
00:17:55,950 --> 00:17:57,702
So there's still many
ways I could die.
478
00:17:57,994 --> 00:17:59,114
I could fall into a manhole,
479
00:17:59,287 --> 00:18:01,330
or I could forget my
chimpanzee's birthday.
480
00:18:01,622 --> 00:18:02,623
- It's time to go now.
481
00:18:02,915 --> 00:18:05,084
Time to go back to
being Tracy Jordan.
482
00:18:05,376 --> 00:18:07,753
Wake up.
483
00:18:08,045 --> 00:18:09,714
- Oh my god,
Tracy. Are you okay?
484
00:18:10,006 --> 00:18:12,216
- I almost died. I've
never been better.
485
00:18:12,508 --> 00:18:13,944
- Okay, good, 'cause
I'm kind of in a rush.
486
00:18:13,968 --> 00:18:15,386
I'm getting married.
487
00:18:15,678 --> 00:18:17,030
Liz Lemon is getting
married today.
488
00:18:17,054 --> 00:18:18,254
- Liz Lemon's getting married?
489
00:18:18,306 --> 00:18:19,849
Harry Truman was right.
490
00:18:20,141 --> 00:18:21,601
Anything's possible.
491
00:18:21,892 --> 00:18:23,853
Oh, what a world...
492
00:18:26,981 --> 00:18:29,233
- I'm fine. Go get married.
493
00:18:29,525 --> 00:18:30,651
- Okay.
494
00:18:33,404 --> 00:18:33,988
- The next project
is going to be
495
00:18:34,280 --> 00:18:35,823
Toofer's Harriet tubman movie.
496
00:18:36,115 --> 00:18:38,159
- Are you sure,
tray? It's pretty boring.
497
00:18:38,451 --> 00:18:40,251
I read it in the bath on
one of my Grizz days.
498
00:18:40,369 --> 00:18:41,579
- It's perfect.
499
00:18:41,871 --> 00:18:43,951
'Cause it's the most
irresponsible choice I can make.
500
00:18:44,081 --> 00:18:47,710
A super expensive period piece
starring a middle aged woman.
501
00:18:48,002 --> 00:18:49,146
No one's going
to want to see it.
502
00:18:49,170 --> 00:18:52,006
And I'm probably not going
to be alive when it comes out.
503
00:18:52,298 --> 00:18:56,052
Now let's go buy a
blimp to scout locations.
504
00:19:00,181 --> 00:19:01,181
- It's about time, Lemon.
505
00:19:01,432 --> 00:19:03,434
- Whatever, just
get down to city hall.
506
00:19:03,726 --> 00:19:07,480
- It's 30 minutes
away. I'll be there in 10.
507
00:19:08,564 --> 00:19:11,567
- Navy, Gray, maroon, Gray...
508
00:19:11,859 --> 00:19:12,859
Am I depressed?
509
00:19:13,110 --> 00:19:14,612
Later.
510
00:19:16,155 --> 00:19:17,907
Oh, you'll do quite nicely.
511
00:19:18,199 --> 00:19:20,409
- Come on, come on, come
on, come on, come on, come on.
512
00:19:20,701 --> 00:19:23,162
Black Dennis, start the car.
513
00:19:35,383 --> 00:19:38,177
- What? It's the only
white dress I own.
514
00:19:38,469 --> 00:19:39,469
- But your hair.
515
00:19:39,553 --> 00:19:40,846
- I'm a Princess.
516
00:19:44,975 --> 00:19:46,352
- And will you be
exchanging rings?
517
00:19:46,644 --> 00:19:47,978
- Oh.
518
00:19:48,270 --> 00:19:50,815
Tito was a drug dealer
the police shot in the face.
519
00:19:51,107 --> 00:19:53,067
In riverside park,
where we first met.
520
00:19:53,359 --> 00:19:55,152
- It's perfect.
521
00:19:55,444 --> 00:19:58,280
- Do you take this
lady as your wife?
522
00:19:58,572 --> 00:20:00,074
- I do.
- Do you take this man...
523
00:20:00,366 --> 00:20:02,827
- I do.
524
00:20:03,119 --> 00:20:04,829
- "'But you see, '
said Roark quietly,
525
00:20:05,121 --> 00:20:07,665
'I've chosen the
work I want to do.
526
00:20:07,957 --> 00:20:09,834
'And I can find Joy
only if I do my work
527
00:20:10,126 --> 00:20:13,003
in the best way
possible to me.'"
528
00:20:20,469 --> 00:20:22,763
- By the authority vested in
me by the state of New York,
529
00:20:23,055 --> 00:20:25,391
I now pronounce
you husband and wife.
530
00:20:25,683 --> 00:20:28,310
- ♪ For love came just in time ♪
531
00:20:28,602 --> 00:20:31,355
♪ I found you just in time ♪
532
00:20:31,647 --> 00:20:33,774
♪ you changed my lonely life ♪
533
00:20:34,066 --> 00:20:36,193
♪ that lovely day ♪
534
00:20:36,485 --> 00:20:37,885
- Oh, my lip is
caught on the grill.
535
00:20:38,154 --> 00:20:40,156
Ow, ow, ow, ow.
536
00:20:43,701 --> 00:20:45,161
- ♪ I've got the
world on a string ♪
537
00:20:45,453 --> 00:20:48,372
♪ I'm sitting on a rainbow ♪
538
00:20:48,664 --> 00:20:50,224
♪ I've got the string
around my finger ♪
539
00:20:50,291 --> 00:20:51,291
- Lemon, earlier today,
540
00:20:51,417 --> 00:20:53,335
I took a hard look at
where life has led me,
541
00:20:53,627 --> 00:20:54,787
and I didn't like what I saw.
542
00:20:54,962 --> 00:20:56,839
But now, looking
at you, I realize...
543
00:20:57,131 --> 00:20:58,340
- that anything's possible?
544
00:20:58,632 --> 00:20:59,632
You know, I'm attractive.
545
00:20:59,842 --> 00:21:00,342
I've got cheekbones,
546
00:21:00,634 --> 00:21:01,987
and a pair you can
do something with.
547
00:21:02,011 --> 00:21:03,721
- I'm just saying,
from a grateful nation,
548
00:21:04,013 --> 00:21:05,598
thank you, Liz Lemon.
549
00:21:05,890 --> 00:21:07,975
There's hope for us all.
550
00:21:08,267 --> 00:21:10,186
- Black Dennis got
some cop's gun.
551
00:21:12,813 --> 00:21:16,525
- ♪ I've got that string
around my finger ♪
552
00:21:16,817 --> 00:21:19,028
♪ what a world, what a life ♪
553
00:21:19,320 --> 00:21:24,992
♪ I'm in love ♪