1 00:00:03,170 --> 00:00:04,755 Very well. 2 00:00:05,047 --> 00:00:06,965 I certainly appreciate your candor. 3 00:00:10,928 --> 00:00:12,930 - Were you just skyping with a horse? 4 00:00:13,222 --> 00:00:14,222 - Not "a horse," Lemon. 5 00:00:14,348 --> 00:00:17,726 Rafalca, mitt Romney's champion dressage mare. 6 00:00:18,018 --> 00:00:19,019 - Sure. 7 00:00:19,311 --> 00:00:20,330 - She answers yes or no questions 8 00:00:20,354 --> 00:00:21,897 by eating either an apple for "yes," 9 00:00:22,189 --> 00:00:23,232 or a carrot for "no." 10 00:00:23,524 --> 00:00:24,775 If she eats both, that means 11 00:00:25,067 --> 00:00:28,111 "life is full of unknowable Gray areas." 12 00:00:28,403 --> 00:00:29,029 Remarkable animal. 13 00:00:29,321 --> 00:00:31,823 And thanks to Rafalca, I am now fully briefed 14 00:00:32,115 --> 00:00:34,034 on the Romney campaign's latest setback. 15 00:00:34,326 --> 00:00:35,512 Did you see the news this morning? 16 00:00:35,536 --> 00:00:36,536 - I saw the today show. 17 00:00:36,787 --> 00:00:39,915 So I know how to make an Autumn pizza that your teen will love. 18 00:00:40,207 --> 00:00:43,669 - Paul Ryan dropped out of the race last night. 19 00:00:43,961 --> 00:00:45,629 - What? Wow, why? 20 00:00:45,921 --> 00:00:49,758 - Turns out he was actually born in Kenya. 21 00:00:50,050 --> 00:00:51,402 Not a lot we could say about that one. 22 00:00:51,426 --> 00:00:53,186 - So who's Romney's running mate going to be? 23 00:00:53,387 --> 00:00:55,490 - Rafalca assured me that an announcement would be made 24 00:00:55,514 --> 00:00:58,016 later today, or... 25 00:00:58,308 --> 00:00:59,851 She just wanted to eat an apple. 26 00:01:00,143 --> 00:01:01,770 - And how's tanking NBC going? 27 00:01:02,062 --> 00:01:03,062 Is Hank ready to sell? 28 00:01:03,230 --> 00:01:04,249 - Soon, he'll have no choice. 29 00:01:04,273 --> 00:01:06,775 Sunday night football is just Cleveland browns games. 30 00:01:07,067 --> 00:01:09,736 I'm allowing Jimmy Fallon to use his real voice. 31 00:01:10,028 --> 00:01:11,047 And the greatest band 32 00:01:11,071 --> 00:01:12,573 in late night, the roots. 33 00:01:14,157 --> 00:01:15,385 - And you're certainly doing your part. 34 00:01:15,409 --> 00:01:17,703 Last week's show was excruciating. 35 00:01:17,995 --> 00:01:18,704 - Thank you. 36 00:01:18,996 --> 00:01:20,473 I told the writers there are no bad ideas. 37 00:01:20,497 --> 00:01:21,957 And they really took that to heart. 38 00:01:22,249 --> 00:01:25,002 - Yes, I have a reservation under "black Hitler." 39 00:01:25,294 --> 00:01:26,938 - You know, I could get used to this not caring thing. 40 00:01:26,962 --> 00:01:29,172 - And what about your reproductive efforts? 41 00:01:29,464 --> 00:01:30,464 - Bleh. 42 00:01:30,632 --> 00:01:32,801 Criss and I have been taking the dump truck 43 00:01:33,093 --> 00:01:35,095 to the bone yard most nights. 44 00:01:35,387 --> 00:01:36,867 - Oh, come on. Try to enjoy it, Lemon. 45 00:01:36,972 --> 00:01:38,849 Criss looks like a little elf prince. 46 00:01:39,141 --> 00:01:40,601 - I should get back downstairs. 47 00:01:40,892 --> 00:01:42,245 Show's not going to phone itself in. 48 00:01:42,269 --> 00:01:44,229 - I do have one concern, Lemon. 49 00:01:44,521 --> 00:01:46,124 Elections can be very good for sketch comedy shows. 50 00:01:46,148 --> 00:01:48,817 And the last thing I need is a election year 51 00:01:49,109 --> 00:01:50,611 ratings spike for TGS. 52 00:01:50,902 --> 00:01:52,195 So no political stuff. 53 00:01:52,487 --> 00:01:52,988 - Oh, okay, sure. 54 00:01:53,280 --> 00:01:55,324 We'll just have to rely on observational humor. 55 00:01:55,616 --> 00:01:58,744 Like, um, "table is a weird word." 56 00:01:59,036 --> 00:02:00,078 - Thank you, Lemon. 57 00:02:00,370 --> 00:02:02,581 - And you gotta wonder who came up with the door. 58 00:02:02,873 --> 00:02:03,975 Bunch of cavemen sitting around. 59 00:02:03,999 --> 00:02:04,583 "Hey, Gronk! 60 00:02:04,875 --> 00:02:06,235 "Before we starve to death in here, 61 00:02:06,293 --> 00:02:08,962 "let's make a door!" I, uh... 62 00:02:11,798 --> 00:02:19,798 ♪ ♪ 63 00:02:28,023 --> 00:02:29,816 - I have been waiting seven years 64 00:02:30,108 --> 00:02:31,127 to tell you people what I really think of you. 65 00:02:31,151 --> 00:02:32,653 - Really? 66 00:02:32,944 --> 00:02:34,664 'Cause you called me "Mr. Clean's gay uncle" 67 00:02:34,863 --> 00:02:35,863 in front of my children. 68 00:02:36,114 --> 00:02:37,991 - This is my first royalty check 69 00:02:38,283 --> 00:02:40,786 for my summer dance jam, "balls." 70 00:02:41,078 --> 00:02:42,388 ♪ Balls, balls, balls, balls, balls, balls, balls ♪ 71 00:02:42,412 --> 00:02:44,132 ♪ balls, balls, balls, balls, balls, balls ♪ 72 00:02:44,331 --> 00:02:45,874 ♪ balls, balls, balls, balls ♪ 73 00:02:46,166 --> 00:02:48,126 ♪ balls, balls, balls, balls ♪ 74 00:02:48,418 --> 00:02:51,922 In this envelope is my cut of every cd sale, 75 00:02:52,214 --> 00:02:57,260 paid download, music video DVD rental at blockbuster... 76 00:02:57,552 --> 00:02:57,928 - oh, boy. Jenna, you might want to look 77 00:02:58,220 --> 00:03:00,597 at that check before you insult us. 78 00:03:00,889 --> 00:03:01,598 - And maybe you ought to look in the mirror 79 00:03:01,890 --> 00:03:03,034 before leaving your house in the morning, 80 00:03:03,058 --> 00:03:03,475 because you look like someone's been 81 00:03:03,767 --> 00:03:05,644 slowly poisoning Sally Field. 82 00:03:05,936 --> 00:03:07,020 - Alrighty then. 83 00:03:07,312 --> 00:03:08,312 - Read it and weep, 84 00:03:08,355 --> 00:03:11,525 you mouth breathing, vag repellers. 85 00:03:11,817 --> 00:03:12,943 - It's $90, Jenna. 86 00:03:13,235 --> 00:03:15,028 - What? How? 87 00:03:15,320 --> 00:03:16,988 That song was everywhere. 88 00:03:17,280 --> 00:03:20,158 The FBI blamed it for a spike in summer sex crimes. 89 00:03:20,450 --> 00:03:22,387 - Well, the music industry isn't what it used to be. 90 00:03:22,411 --> 00:03:24,079 - Thanks to Al Gore's stupid Internet, 91 00:03:24,371 --> 00:03:25,914 people can just get music for free. 92 00:03:26,206 --> 00:03:28,333 That's why I got out of the music business. 93 00:03:28,625 --> 00:03:34,089 ♪ Despite my beautiful singing voice ♪ 94 00:03:34,381 --> 00:03:39,428 ♪ and my amazing songwriting... ♪ 95 00:03:41,012 --> 00:03:42,597 - Hey, Jenna. - Shut up. 96 00:03:42,889 --> 00:03:43,950 - Hey. What are you doing here? 97 00:03:43,974 --> 00:03:45,174 - Oh, just thought I'd pop in. 98 00:03:45,434 --> 00:03:47,310 - No, you damn well didn't. 99 00:03:47,602 --> 00:03:49,855 Lunchtime is when you "pop in." 100 00:03:50,147 --> 00:03:52,774 You've got something else on your mind, son. 101 00:03:53,066 --> 00:03:56,153 Fresh shave, elevated pulse, 102 00:03:56,445 --> 00:03:57,863 Cologne. Mm-hmm. 103 00:03:58,155 --> 00:03:59,549 This man is here to do it on the desk. 104 00:03:59,573 --> 00:04:01,074 - Tracy, you're disgusting. 105 00:04:01,366 --> 00:04:04,202 - No, Liz, he's right. I am. 106 00:04:04,494 --> 00:04:05,888 No, but I'm not being gross. We're trying to have a baby. 107 00:04:05,912 --> 00:04:07,372 And you know how Liz's libido is. 108 00:04:07,664 --> 00:04:09,308 So I'm trying to keep it from being a chore. 109 00:04:09,332 --> 00:04:11,102 That's why I started tracking her menstrual cycle... 110 00:04:11,126 --> 00:04:11,501 - you don't have to prove anything to them. 111 00:04:11,793 --> 00:04:14,129 Just shut your mouth, Criss. 112 00:04:14,421 --> 00:04:15,464 I'm sorry. 113 00:04:15,756 --> 00:04:17,132 You're tracking my cycle? 114 00:04:17,424 --> 00:04:17,841 - I don't want you stressing about it. 115 00:04:18,133 --> 00:04:19,301 So I made this calendar. 116 00:04:19,593 --> 00:04:21,593 I thought you'd like to know that you're ovulating. 117 00:04:21,720 --> 00:04:23,638 And I came here today to... 118 00:04:23,930 --> 00:04:25,265 I don't know, spice things up. 119 00:04:25,557 --> 00:04:26,767 I know, it was stupid. 120 00:04:27,058 --> 00:04:28,310 - No, okay, it's... I get it. 121 00:04:28,602 --> 00:04:30,979 It's... in the office. 122 00:04:31,271 --> 00:04:33,940 It's like I'm Don draper and you're Megan. 123 00:04:34,232 --> 00:04:35,233 Okay, you're Don draper. 124 00:04:35,525 --> 00:04:36,902 No, you're Glen and I'm Sally. 125 00:04:39,112 --> 00:04:43,074 - Hey, this is a system. This is all organized, god. 126 00:04:43,366 --> 00:04:47,037 The post-its are for my ideas and the pens are for my tea. 127 00:04:47,329 --> 00:04:49,623 - Liz, you have to see this. 128 00:04:49,915 --> 00:04:51,350 - Hornberger, what if we'd been having sex? 129 00:04:51,374 --> 00:04:53,174 - Then I would have seen Criss' muscular back. 130 00:04:53,335 --> 00:04:54,669 You think I care? 131 00:04:54,961 --> 00:04:56,880 - The next vice president of the United States, 132 00:04:57,172 --> 00:04:58,590 governor Bob dunston of Alabama. 133 00:04:58,882 --> 00:05:03,053 - Well, okey-dokey-doo, america. 134 00:05:03,345 --> 00:05:04,447 - We gotta have Tracy play this guy on the show. 135 00:05:04,471 --> 00:05:05,511 He looks exactly like him. 136 00:05:05,680 --> 00:05:09,017 - I was thinking we would just lay off the political stuff. 137 00:05:09,309 --> 00:05:10,644 - Liz, he's right. 138 00:05:10,936 --> 00:05:12,270 That guy looks exactly like Tracy. 139 00:05:12,562 --> 00:05:14,689 - Did you guys see? I'm on TV but now I'm old. 140 00:05:14,981 --> 00:05:18,652 Oh, god, Liz Lemon. It's happening to you, too. 141 00:05:18,944 --> 00:05:20,570 - Okay, fine. The guy looks like Tracy. 142 00:05:20,862 --> 00:05:22,030 But what's the joke? 143 00:05:22,322 --> 00:05:24,162 - Ooh, I'm going to have to take a moment here. 144 00:05:24,324 --> 00:05:26,535 I sat on my testicles earlier 145 00:05:26,827 --> 00:05:29,579 and the heft of my body smashed them to smithereens. 146 00:05:29,871 --> 00:05:31,151 - Okay. Start working on the wig. 147 00:05:31,289 --> 00:05:34,167 Ow. 148 00:05:36,294 --> 00:05:38,672 - Oh, Ms. Maroney. I want you to meet my mother... 149 00:05:38,964 --> 00:05:40,608 - I'm going to stop you right there, Kenneth. 150 00:05:40,632 --> 00:05:42,676 I am having an actress side project crisis. 151 00:05:42,968 --> 00:05:44,678 So I'm not interested in whatever this is 152 00:05:44,970 --> 00:05:47,848 and whatever it thinks it's wearing. 153 00:05:48,139 --> 00:05:51,810 - Oh, I can't believe I just met Jenna Maroney. 154 00:05:52,102 --> 00:05:53,982 I was so nervous. I hope I didn't embarrass you. 155 00:05:54,229 --> 00:05:56,314 - You were fine, but your friend Ron 156 00:05:56,606 --> 00:05:59,568 sure doesn't know how to behave around celebrities. 157 00:05:59,860 --> 00:06:02,279 - Oh, oh, I am so sorry, Kenny. 158 00:06:02,571 --> 00:06:04,171 You know the only celebrity I've ever met 159 00:06:04,406 --> 00:06:06,533 was Evel Knievel's motorcycle. 160 00:06:06,825 --> 00:06:07,945 And that was just a picture. 161 00:06:08,076 --> 00:06:09,076 - Oh, I almost forgot. 162 00:06:09,160 --> 00:06:11,288 We got you a little something for your birthday. 163 00:06:11,580 --> 00:06:13,582 - Is that a cd? 164 00:06:16,001 --> 00:06:19,588 You people still buy cds? 165 00:06:19,880 --> 00:06:21,756 Kenneth's mother. O.M.G. 166 00:06:22,048 --> 00:06:24,801 Why haven't you visited us before? 167 00:06:25,093 --> 00:06:25,594 - Well, money's been tight 168 00:06:25,886 --> 00:06:28,722 ever since the market crashed into our house. 169 00:06:29,014 --> 00:06:31,892 My... my name is Ron. I'm Pearline's friend. 170 00:06:32,183 --> 00:06:33,685 I've met celebrities before. 171 00:06:33,977 --> 00:06:36,313 Do you know Evel Knievel's motorcycle picture? 172 00:06:36,605 --> 00:06:39,691 Oh, come on, Ron. I'm better than that. 173 00:06:39,983 --> 00:06:42,611 - I have so many questions to ask you people. 174 00:06:42,903 --> 00:06:44,223 Tomorrow, when we break for lunch, 175 00:06:44,446 --> 00:06:48,992 you are coming to my dressing room and watching me eat. 176 00:06:53,580 --> 00:06:56,082 - Oh, I wonder what she eats. 177 00:06:57,250 --> 00:07:00,337 - Now, I've been very up front about this. 178 00:07:00,629 --> 00:07:03,298 See, that girl was in my car because I was trying 179 00:07:03,590 --> 00:07:05,675 to talk her out of being a prostitute, and she... 180 00:07:08,094 --> 00:07:09,488 - Jack, I have to let Tracy play governor dunston. 181 00:07:09,512 --> 00:07:10,639 - Absolutely not. 182 00:07:10,931 --> 00:07:12,682 - Come on. He looks exactly like him. 183 00:07:12,974 --> 00:07:13,975 Give me a break, Jack. 184 00:07:14,267 --> 00:07:15,810 Listen to this guy. 185 00:07:16,102 --> 00:07:17,562 - Hang on. I'm caught on a nail here. 186 00:07:20,440 --> 00:07:22,233 Okay, now we can continue. 187 00:07:22,525 --> 00:07:24,319 - I can't just ignore dunston, Jack. 188 00:07:24,611 --> 00:07:26,988 Everyone's talking about how much he looks like Tracy. 189 00:07:27,280 --> 00:07:30,033 NBC.com had over 100 hits today. 190 00:07:30,325 --> 00:07:31,325 Exactly. 191 00:07:31,409 --> 00:07:33,328 I'm trying to tank this network. 192 00:07:33,620 --> 00:07:36,247 To that end, I have asked you to lay off politics. 193 00:07:36,539 --> 00:07:38,041 - Uh-huh. But what you really meant 194 00:07:38,333 --> 00:07:40,168 was lay off Republicans, didn't you? 195 00:07:40,460 --> 00:07:41,860 - This is not about politics, Lemon. 196 00:07:42,128 --> 00:07:44,881 In order to save this network, I have to destroy it. 197 00:07:45,173 --> 00:07:47,300 Just like BP did when they heroically tried 198 00:07:47,592 --> 00:07:48,872 to lubricate the Gulf of Mexico. 199 00:07:49,094 --> 00:07:54,683 Now, do not write anything about Bob dunston. 200 00:07:54,975 --> 00:07:58,019 - I promise. I won't write a word. 201 00:08:00,355 --> 00:08:01,999 - Are we better off now than we were four years ago? 202 00:08:02,023 --> 00:08:03,233 Not me. 203 00:08:03,525 --> 00:08:05,527 I now have herpes. 204 00:08:05,819 --> 00:08:09,364 And the Dixie mafia is trying to kill me. 205 00:08:21,918 --> 00:08:23,962 - Hey, elf prince. 206 00:08:24,254 --> 00:08:26,589 What makes you think my last period started on the 29th? 207 00:08:26,881 --> 00:08:28,651 - Because you kept saying your aunt Flo was in town. 208 00:08:28,675 --> 00:08:30,218 - She was. Remember? 209 00:08:30,510 --> 00:08:32,804 I took her to moma and the cloisters? 210 00:08:33,096 --> 00:08:34,896 - I assumed those were all vaginal euphemisms. 211 00:08:35,181 --> 00:08:37,058 - Great. So we had sex for no reason. 212 00:08:37,350 --> 00:08:38,476 No reason at all. 213 00:08:38,768 --> 00:08:40,937 - Wow. Thank you. - Well... 214 00:08:41,229 --> 00:08:45,066 - look, Liz, I know this isn't your... Jam. 215 00:08:45,358 --> 00:08:47,044 Which is why I've been trying to make it fun. 216 00:08:47,068 --> 00:08:49,279 I surprised you at the office, I wrote you that song. 217 00:08:49,571 --> 00:08:53,908 ♪ Your body is my garden of Eden ♪ 218 00:08:54,200 --> 00:08:55,618 - I hate you. 219 00:08:55,910 --> 00:08:58,621 I'm sorry. I hate you. 220 00:08:58,913 --> 00:09:00,193 Liz, we both want this to happen. 221 00:09:00,373 --> 00:09:01,934 But it's not going to work if it's a chore. 222 00:09:01,958 --> 00:09:04,044 - Yeah, okay. I know. 223 00:09:04,335 --> 00:09:05,462 I have to relax. 224 00:09:05,754 --> 00:09:07,234 And I promise, as soon as I figure out 225 00:09:07,297 --> 00:09:08,757 when I really am ovulating... 226 00:09:13,094 --> 00:09:14,179 - You just spoke in German. 227 00:09:14,471 --> 00:09:16,639 - I don't think so, Criss. 228 00:09:20,018 --> 00:09:22,353 I'm caught on a nail here. 229 00:09:22,645 --> 00:09:23,645 Caught on a nail. 230 00:09:26,441 --> 00:09:28,601 - That was Tracy Jordan having some fun the other night 231 00:09:28,735 --> 00:09:30,695 at the expense of governor Bob dunston. 232 00:09:30,987 --> 00:09:33,073 - Liz, The New York Times called. 233 00:09:33,364 --> 00:09:34,884 George Clooney wants to be on the show. 234 00:09:35,075 --> 00:09:36,409 And you got a gift basket. 235 00:09:36,701 --> 00:09:39,079 - Gift basket? 236 00:09:39,370 --> 00:09:40,455 Pears? Why? 237 00:09:40,747 --> 00:09:41,790 - Lemon, a word. 238 00:09:47,045 --> 00:09:47,504 We had an agreement. 239 00:09:47,796 --> 00:09:50,757 You promised not to write anything about dunston. 240 00:09:51,049 --> 00:09:52,049 - And I didn't. 241 00:09:52,175 --> 00:09:53,927 Every one of Tracy's lines last night 242 00:09:54,219 --> 00:09:56,763 was a direct quote from governor dunston himself. 243 00:09:57,055 --> 00:09:59,682 - I see. Well, bravo. 244 00:09:59,974 --> 00:10:02,143 - You're supposed to say "brava" to a woman. 245 00:10:02,435 --> 00:10:03,103 - Oh, I am well aware of that. 246 00:10:03,394 --> 00:10:05,605 This is a disaster. Ratings are up. 247 00:10:05,897 --> 00:10:08,108 And now, during the election, Hank Hooper wants TGS on 248 00:10:08,399 --> 00:10:10,777 five nights a week, starting tonight. 249 00:10:11,069 --> 00:10:12,779 You are UN-terriblizing this network. 250 00:10:13,071 --> 00:10:15,031 - Wait, I have to do a show every night? 251 00:10:15,323 --> 00:10:16,032 - Uh-huh. Say goodbye to your free time. 252 00:10:16,324 --> 00:10:17,324 Oh, did you hear that? 253 00:10:17,492 --> 00:10:19,035 That's the sound of honey boo boos 254 00:10:19,327 --> 00:10:21,913 piling up on your TiVo. - No! 255 00:10:22,205 --> 00:10:23,307 - Your show is ruining my career. 256 00:10:23,331 --> 00:10:25,291 And besmirching the name of a good American. 257 00:10:25,583 --> 00:10:27,836 Bob dunston is a fine man. 258 00:10:28,128 --> 00:10:29,921 - A-ha. So this is about politics. 259 00:10:30,213 --> 00:10:32,924 I'm sure you'd let us make fun of Joe Biden all we want. 260 00:10:33,216 --> 00:10:34,485 - Oh, but how could you? He's so amazing. 261 00:10:34,509 --> 00:10:36,136 He rides the train. 262 00:10:36,427 --> 00:10:37,427 - Liz. 263 00:10:37,554 --> 00:10:40,515 Dunston's at a county fair and he ate too much chili. 264 00:10:45,311 --> 00:10:48,314 - I'm sorry, Jack. This is bigger than both of us. 265 00:10:48,606 --> 00:10:49,315 - Oh, boy. 266 00:10:49,607 --> 00:10:54,070 When did old Bob dunston swallow all this change? 267 00:10:57,365 --> 00:10:59,659 - Pearline, you must be so proud of Kenneth. 268 00:10:59,951 --> 00:11:02,912 Smell him. That's Jenna Maroney's garbage. 269 00:11:03,204 --> 00:11:05,707 - Oh, he's always been a special boy. 270 00:11:05,999 --> 00:11:08,435 I remember the day he was born. He looked up at me and he said, 271 00:11:08,459 --> 00:11:10,753 "mama, I am not a person. 272 00:11:11,045 --> 00:11:13,923 "My body's just a flesh vessel for an immortal being 273 00:11:14,215 --> 00:11:17,010 whose name, if you heard it, would make you lose your mind." 274 00:11:17,302 --> 00:11:18,845 Do you remember that, honey? 275 00:11:19,137 --> 00:11:21,014 - Oh, we're just all so proud of Kenny. 276 00:11:21,306 --> 00:11:22,432 I tell everyone I meet, 277 00:11:22,724 --> 00:11:25,852 I know a big shot up in New York City. 278 00:11:26,144 --> 00:11:27,729 - Great story, Ron. 279 00:11:28,021 --> 00:11:32,108 - So tell me, what kind of music do you folks like to buy? 280 00:11:32,400 --> 00:11:34,944 - Well, Jenna, you know, times are tough. 281 00:11:35,236 --> 00:11:37,405 And it's not getting any easier 282 00:11:37,697 --> 00:11:39,991 now that obamacare's extending our life expectancy. 283 00:11:40,283 --> 00:11:42,386 Let me die in an emergency room with a treatable disease 284 00:11:42,410 --> 00:11:43,453 like an American. 285 00:11:43,745 --> 00:11:46,206 - But music can let you forget about all that. 286 00:11:46,497 --> 00:11:48,249 Folks like us, we need an escape. 287 00:11:48,541 --> 00:11:50,919 It's just like what Jimmy buffett says. 288 00:11:51,211 --> 00:11:53,254 "I'm just a cheeseburger in paradise." 289 00:11:53,546 --> 00:11:55,266 - Of course, we don't have a stereo anymore, 290 00:11:55,298 --> 00:11:57,091 on account of our mayor, who's a meth addict, 291 00:11:57,383 --> 00:11:58,760 took it apart in a field. 292 00:11:59,052 --> 00:12:01,304 But Ron sings. 293 00:12:01,596 --> 00:12:03,223 He writes his own songs. 294 00:12:03,514 --> 00:12:04,182 - Are they about being a loser? 295 00:12:04,474 --> 00:12:05,808 - Some of them. 296 00:12:06,100 --> 00:12:08,269 But mostly, they're about being on a tropical island, 297 00:12:08,561 --> 00:12:09,938 and sipping some rum, 298 00:12:10,230 --> 00:12:12,315 and feeling the sand between your toes. 299 00:12:12,607 --> 00:12:15,235 - What do you know about any of that, Ron? 300 00:12:15,526 --> 00:12:18,029 - Kenneth Ellen Parcell, mind your manners. 301 00:12:18,321 --> 00:12:21,032 It just so happens Ron and I have been to key west. 302 00:12:21,324 --> 00:12:23,785 - Oh, yes, we have. It was on our honeymoon. 303 00:12:24,077 --> 00:12:26,079 We... oh, my... 304 00:12:26,371 --> 00:12:29,374 Uh-oh. 305 00:12:29,666 --> 00:12:33,336 - You got married? When? 306 00:12:33,628 --> 00:12:36,047 - Seven years ago. 307 00:12:36,339 --> 00:12:39,133 - Look, Ken, I'm just trying to replace your dad... 308 00:12:39,425 --> 00:12:40,843 Oh, dang it. 309 00:12:41,135 --> 00:12:43,972 That's the wrong thing to say, isn't it? 310 00:12:44,264 --> 00:12:48,601 - If you will excuse me, I have to get back to work. 311 00:12:51,604 --> 00:12:55,024 - This is terrible. 312 00:12:55,316 --> 00:12:57,443 I've never gone this long without talking. 313 00:12:57,735 --> 00:12:59,215 - Okay, if we're doing a show tonight, 314 00:12:59,487 --> 00:13:01,487 Tracy needs to do a run-through with the vomit rig. 315 00:13:01,739 --> 00:13:02,739 Props can do 4:00... 316 00:13:02,949 --> 00:13:05,219 - oh, no, I promised Criss I would be home this afternoon. 317 00:13:05,243 --> 00:13:06,869 Yeah, for that. 318 00:13:07,161 --> 00:13:09,122 And get this. Criss wants to make it fun. 319 00:13:09,414 --> 00:13:11,082 How do you make sex fun? 320 00:13:11,374 --> 00:13:12,734 - Well, Paula never opens her eyes. 321 00:13:12,834 --> 00:13:14,794 So what I do is look at a nursing school catalog 322 00:13:15,086 --> 00:13:16,086 I keep under my pillow. 323 00:13:16,337 --> 00:13:17,547 - Ugh. 324 00:13:17,839 --> 00:13:19,549 This five shows a week thing is bonkers. 325 00:13:19,841 --> 00:13:22,468 So, great, let's all figure out when I can have sex. 326 00:13:22,760 --> 00:13:25,888 Okay, what if Jenna did her DVD commentary 327 00:13:26,180 --> 00:13:27,557 while she was getting vajazzled? 328 00:13:27,849 --> 00:13:29,369 Then we could move the prop meeting up. 329 00:13:29,600 --> 00:13:33,938 You know what, we have to look at the whole month. 330 00:13:35,732 --> 00:13:38,401 Ooh, yeah. There it is. 331 00:13:38,693 --> 00:13:43,323 I need to cross-reference this with my menstruations. 332 00:13:44,365 --> 00:13:47,243 Ooh, this is complicated. 333 00:13:47,535 --> 00:13:49,255 I'm going to have to color code all of this. 334 00:13:49,329 --> 00:13:51,831 Tracy will be red, Jenna is Blue, 335 00:13:52,123 --> 00:13:54,250 and I will be green. 336 00:13:56,044 --> 00:13:58,379 Ooh, yeah. That's nice. 337 00:13:58,671 --> 00:14:01,007 This is, um... 338 00:14:01,299 --> 00:14:03,468 Mm, it's getting hot in here. 339 00:14:03,760 --> 00:14:07,555 If I had a column for my basal body temperature, 340 00:14:07,847 --> 00:14:11,934 then I could schedule around peak ovulation. 341 00:14:12,226 --> 00:14:14,937 Right there. Yes, that is the spot. 342 00:14:15,229 --> 00:14:16,272 Oh, god. 343 00:14:16,564 --> 00:14:18,274 This whole thing could be a spreadsheet. 344 00:14:18,566 --> 00:14:21,194 If we print it in landscape, the page will take it all. 345 00:14:21,486 --> 00:14:23,613 Oh, yeah. It'll take it all. 346 00:14:23,905 --> 00:14:25,782 Oh, my god. 347 00:14:27,658 --> 00:14:29,285 - Hi. 348 00:14:29,577 --> 00:14:30,745 Hey! That was ten dollars. 349 00:14:31,037 --> 00:14:33,437 - I think I figured out what's been missing from my sex life. 350 00:14:33,581 --> 00:14:34,707 Organizing it. 351 00:14:38,878 --> 00:14:40,421 - Cooter? Cooter berger? 352 00:14:40,713 --> 00:14:41,422 - Hi, Jack. 353 00:14:41,714 --> 00:14:44,258 I took the Liberty of making myself a drink. 354 00:14:44,550 --> 00:14:47,428 Is that red wine with tonic water and olives in it? 355 00:14:47,720 --> 00:14:50,431 - Yep. It's an old Spanish. 356 00:14:50,723 --> 00:14:53,017 Is that not a thing? 357 00:14:53,309 --> 00:14:55,469 Oh, the guys at the office told me it was a cool drink. 358 00:14:55,603 --> 00:14:57,480 I'm always getting pranked. 359 00:14:57,772 --> 00:14:59,690 Anyway. 360 00:14:59,982 --> 00:15:00,691 Ow. 361 00:15:00,983 --> 00:15:02,485 - So, uh, what have you been up to? 362 00:15:02,777 --> 00:15:05,738 - Well, after 2008, I went back to being a lobbyist. 363 00:15:06,030 --> 00:15:07,750 You know, just hanging out in hotel lobbies. 364 00:15:07,990 --> 00:15:09,790 If you wear a red vest, sometimes people think 365 00:15:10,034 --> 00:15:12,034 you're a valet and you can take a nap in their car. 366 00:15:12,120 --> 00:15:13,329 - Right. 367 00:15:13,621 --> 00:15:15,915 Well, it looks like you're back on your feet. 368 00:15:16,207 --> 00:15:16,833 - And how. You're looking at 369 00:15:17,125 --> 00:15:18,668 the deputy chief of media relations, 370 00:15:18,960 --> 00:15:20,837 Romney-dunston 2012. 371 00:15:21,129 --> 00:15:21,671 Here, have a sticker. 372 00:15:21,963 --> 00:15:25,550 - Cooter, this is a puffy frog with googly eyes. 373 00:15:25,842 --> 00:15:26,842 - Oh, no. 374 00:15:26,968 --> 00:15:29,720 I've been handing those out all day. 375 00:15:30,012 --> 00:15:32,390 Listen, Jack, the reason I'm here... 376 00:15:32,682 --> 00:15:35,184 We need to talk about this whole Bob dunston TGS thing. 377 00:15:35,476 --> 00:15:37,854 - Yes, I'm taking care of that, I assure you. 378 00:15:38,146 --> 00:15:40,857 There will be no more Bob dunston sketches on TGS. 379 00:15:41,149 --> 00:15:42,859 - No, no, no. That's not what we want. 380 00:15:43,151 --> 00:15:45,903 We need you to make fun of dunston as much as possible. 381 00:15:46,195 --> 00:15:47,488 - What? Why? 382 00:15:47,780 --> 00:15:49,091 - Because it's making him likeable. 383 00:15:49,115 --> 00:15:50,324 He's actually very mean. 384 00:15:50,616 --> 00:15:51,927 But with Tracy Jordan playing him... 385 00:15:51,951 --> 00:15:53,578 - he's a lovable buffoon. 386 00:15:53,870 --> 00:15:54,370 - Exactly. Nobody's talking about 387 00:15:54,662 --> 00:15:55,662 the governor's record... 388 00:15:55,788 --> 00:15:57,748 - his re-segregation of the Alabama schools. 389 00:15:58,040 --> 00:15:59,542 His long-time sexual relationship 390 00:15:59,834 --> 00:16:02,503 with the Hank Williams statue outside Montgomery city hall. 391 00:16:02,795 --> 00:16:04,356 - They're just talking about how funny Tracy is. 392 00:16:04,380 --> 00:16:05,006 It's a win-win. 393 00:16:05,298 --> 00:16:07,091 You help us take back the white house. 394 00:16:07,383 --> 00:16:08,843 And you goose NBC's ratings. 395 00:16:09,135 --> 00:16:11,262 - Yes, and I do want NBC to get good ratings. 396 00:16:11,554 --> 00:16:12,554 - Yeah, I know. 397 00:16:12,722 --> 00:16:14,140 Let's keep saying things we want. 398 00:16:14,432 --> 00:16:16,642 A closer friendship with you that includes road trips. 399 00:16:16,934 --> 00:16:18,311 Your turn. 400 00:16:23,524 --> 00:16:24,524 - Jenna? 401 00:16:24,650 --> 00:16:26,110 Can we trouble you for some advice? 402 00:16:26,402 --> 00:16:27,588 - Yes. If you're only in New York 403 00:16:27,612 --> 00:16:30,698 for a few days, find a way to see Amar'e Stoudemire's penis. 404 00:16:30,990 --> 00:16:32,325 It's worth it. 405 00:16:32,617 --> 00:16:34,678 - All right, but we'd like to talk to you about Kenny. 406 00:16:34,702 --> 00:16:35,286 - He won't even speak to me. 407 00:16:35,578 --> 00:16:38,331 - Don, Garlene, I don't have time for this. 408 00:16:38,623 --> 00:16:39,683 I'm trying to write a new album 409 00:16:39,707 --> 00:16:41,918 for the only people who buy records anymore. 410 00:16:42,210 --> 00:16:44,754 Unhappy, middle-aged bummers like you. 411 00:16:45,046 --> 00:16:46,797 This writing is hard. 412 00:16:47,089 --> 00:16:50,676 Wait. You said you write songs. 413 00:16:50,968 --> 00:16:54,263 - Yes, I do, but I'm not a professional like you, 414 00:16:54,555 --> 00:16:56,265 or them bears at showbiz pizza. 415 00:16:56,557 --> 00:16:58,893 - Sing one for me now. For inspiration. 416 00:16:59,185 --> 00:17:00,225 I'm not going to steal it. 417 00:17:00,436 --> 00:17:02,480 But if I do, don't even bother lawyering up. 418 00:17:02,772 --> 00:17:04,148 I'll have my Jews on you so fast, 419 00:17:04,440 --> 00:17:07,443 you'll think you're an Asian girl. 420 00:17:07,735 --> 00:17:09,987 - Well, um, okay. 421 00:17:10,279 --> 00:17:12,448 I wrote this song earlier today, for Kenny. 422 00:17:12,740 --> 00:17:14,460 You know, I just hope someday he realizes... 423 00:17:15,535 --> 00:17:17,328 Okay. 424 00:17:17,620 --> 00:17:20,456 - ♪ There's a picture on my wall ♪ 425 00:17:20,748 --> 00:17:23,834 ♪ of a boy who's just yea tall ♪ 426 00:17:24,126 --> 00:17:26,629 ♪ without a daddy, he's in danger ♪ 427 00:17:26,921 --> 00:17:29,423 ♪ he needs an older male stranger ♪ 428 00:17:29,715 --> 00:17:31,842 ♪ and when he goes to war ♪ 429 00:17:32,134 --> 00:17:33,695 - Okay, I'm going to stop you right there. 430 00:17:33,719 --> 00:17:35,388 Ron, that was terrible. 431 00:17:35,680 --> 00:17:37,139 I'm going to be constructive here. 432 00:17:37,431 --> 00:17:38,683 You should kill yourself. 433 00:17:38,975 --> 00:17:40,142 - No, he should not. 434 00:17:40,434 --> 00:17:43,521 I am sorry, Ms. Maroney, but you don't talk to Ron like that. 435 00:17:43,813 --> 00:17:44,981 - What are you talking about? 436 00:17:45,273 --> 00:17:46,774 I've heard you call Ron a dingleberry. 437 00:17:47,066 --> 00:17:49,235 - Comparing Ron to our inconsiderate neighbors, 438 00:17:49,527 --> 00:17:51,821 the dingleberrys, is something I can do. 439 00:17:52,113 --> 00:17:53,823 But you are not allowed to. 440 00:17:54,115 --> 00:17:58,494 Because you are not... A part of our family. 441 00:17:58,786 --> 00:17:59,495 - That's what family is, Kenneth. 442 00:17:59,787 --> 00:18:02,039 People you badmouth all the time behind their back. 443 00:18:02,331 --> 00:18:03,611 Why, on the train right up here, 444 00:18:03,666 --> 00:18:05,666 I called you a bowling pin with a face drawn on it. 445 00:18:05,835 --> 00:18:07,128 A cheap albino lesbian. 446 00:18:07,420 --> 00:18:08,504 A finger with teeth. 447 00:18:08,796 --> 00:18:10,464 A hummel someone left on the radiator. 448 00:18:10,756 --> 00:18:11,465 - I get it, mom. 449 00:18:11,757 --> 00:18:13,797 - But if anyone else says a word about you, Kenneth, 450 00:18:13,843 --> 00:18:15,386 I don't stand for it. 451 00:18:15,678 --> 00:18:18,139 Do you remember that kid in school who bullied you? 452 00:18:18,431 --> 00:18:19,932 Well, I ate that goat. 453 00:18:20,224 --> 00:18:22,268 Because you and I are family. 454 00:18:22,560 --> 00:18:25,271 And, like it or not, Kenneth, so are you and my husband. 455 00:18:25,563 --> 00:18:26,856 Ronald mcdonnell. 456 00:18:29,775 --> 00:18:32,153 - Oh. 457 00:18:35,656 --> 00:18:37,366 - I think I just got an idea for a song. 458 00:18:37,658 --> 00:18:40,411 It's called "rum-soaked tampon." 459 00:18:40,703 --> 00:18:42,872 Now, what were you guys talking about? 460 00:18:43,164 --> 00:18:47,335 ♪ Hey, girl ♪ 461 00:18:47,627 --> 00:18:52,089 ♪ me and you ♪ 462 00:18:52,381 --> 00:18:55,009 ♪ hey, baby ♪ 463 00:18:55,301 --> 00:18:57,470 ♪ this is just more proof ♪ 464 00:18:57,762 --> 00:19:01,599 ♪ that I am an amazing singer ♪ 465 00:19:01,891 --> 00:19:06,228 ♪ does this song make you wanna do it? ♪ 466 00:19:06,520 --> 00:19:09,565 ♪ You're welcome ♪ 467 00:19:09,857 --> 00:19:13,027 ♪ girl, you're so beautiful ♪ 468 00:19:13,319 --> 00:19:17,406 ♪ and so is the guy you're with ♪ 469 00:19:17,698 --> 00:19:21,160 ♪ I just want to lick your face, eeh... ♪ 470 00:19:21,452 --> 00:19:21,911 - Hey! 471 00:19:22,203 --> 00:19:23,788 Where you think you are, OfficeMax? 472 00:19:24,080 --> 00:19:26,957 Get out of here, you perverts. 473 00:19:28,626 --> 00:19:30,670 - Two minutes. Two minutes to air. 474 00:19:30,961 --> 00:19:32,064 - Lemon, where have you been? 475 00:19:32,088 --> 00:19:33,088 You have a show to do. 476 00:19:33,130 --> 00:19:35,758 - Don't worry about the show. It's all scheduled. 477 00:19:36,050 --> 00:19:38,511 Look at this. Oh, yeah, mommy like. 478 00:19:38,803 --> 00:19:40,096 - What's wrong with you? 479 00:19:40,388 --> 00:19:41,907 - I've solved my intimacy issues, Jack. 480 00:19:41,931 --> 00:19:43,349 Now that the show is on every night, 481 00:19:43,641 --> 00:19:45,393 everything has to be organized... 482 00:19:48,354 --> 00:19:48,813 - Well, congratulations. 483 00:19:49,105 --> 00:19:50,265 I just want to make sure that 484 00:19:50,481 --> 00:19:52,274 you're doing a Bob dunston sketch tonight. 485 00:19:52,566 --> 00:19:53,984 - Why? 486 00:19:54,276 --> 00:19:55,671 - Because of the, uh, first amendment. 487 00:19:55,695 --> 00:19:56,404 Which I love. 488 00:19:56,696 --> 00:19:57,405 And what you told me earlier. 489 00:19:57,697 --> 00:19:59,281 You convinced me. You win. 490 00:19:59,573 --> 00:20:00,573 - You think I'm an idiot? 491 00:20:00,783 --> 00:20:02,868 I didn't win that argument. I'm an idiot. 492 00:20:03,160 --> 00:20:06,789 - Lemon, what do you want me to say? 493 00:20:07,081 --> 00:20:09,667 You're helping the Romney-dunston ticket, okay? 494 00:20:09,959 --> 00:20:11,353 People like dunston because they like Tracy. 495 00:20:11,377 --> 00:20:11,711 - What? No. 496 00:20:12,002 --> 00:20:13,442 If these sketches are helping Romney, 497 00:20:13,713 --> 00:20:14,880 we're not doing them. 498 00:20:15,172 --> 00:20:16,441 - Yes, maybe that's for the best. 499 00:20:16,465 --> 00:20:17,734 The success of your show is the only thing 500 00:20:17,758 --> 00:20:18,860 keeping Hank from selling NBC. 501 00:20:18,884 --> 00:20:21,303 And if he doesn't sell, I'll spend the rest of my career 502 00:20:21,595 --> 00:20:23,595 in corporate obscurity, like a woman with children. 503 00:20:23,806 --> 00:20:24,806 Damn it. 504 00:20:25,057 --> 00:20:26,702 But if I don't help Romney, it's four more years 505 00:20:26,726 --> 00:20:28,769 of socialism and corporations not being people 506 00:20:29,061 --> 00:20:30,730 and a basketball court at the white house. 507 00:20:31,021 --> 00:20:32,901 - Let me make your choice easy. Jack, it's over. 508 00:20:33,190 --> 00:20:34,775 - Yes, but is it that easy? 509 00:20:35,067 --> 00:20:38,446 You stop doing dunston, TGS goes back to one night a week, 510 00:20:38,738 --> 00:20:40,990 you can kiss goodbye your dusseldorf bus schedule sex. 511 00:20:41,282 --> 00:20:43,159 You'll be having Paris Metro sex. 512 00:20:43,451 --> 00:20:46,620 Long sessions of afternoon love-making, followed by talking 513 00:20:46,912 --> 00:20:49,152 and making circles with your finger in Criss' chest hair. 514 00:20:49,290 --> 00:20:50,291 - No. You can't make me. 515 00:20:50,583 --> 00:20:53,586 - Do the sketch, I help Romney, but I ruin my career. 516 00:20:53,878 --> 00:20:58,048 Cut the sketch, you help Obama, but you screw up your life plan. 517 00:20:58,340 --> 00:20:59,341 It's a win-lose. 518 00:20:59,633 --> 00:21:01,594 - Tracy to the floor for the cold open. 519 00:21:01,886 --> 00:21:04,221 - So what are we going to do? 520 00:21:05,723 --> 00:21:06,390 - Break a leg, tray. 521 00:21:06,682 --> 00:21:07,349 - That shouldn't be hard. 522 00:21:07,641 --> 00:21:10,102 I have a severe calcium deficiency. 523 00:21:22,031 --> 00:21:24,950 - Gwen, I'm glad you brought up my record. 524 00:21:25,242 --> 00:21:27,703 It's called sounds of seduction. 525 00:21:27,995 --> 00:21:29,747 And it's available on iTunes. 526 00:21:30,039 --> 00:21:32,833 There are nine types of legitimate rape. 527 00:21:33,125 --> 00:21:35,085 One... a Halloween party. 528 00:21:35,377 --> 00:21:37,838 Let me ask you a question, sir. 529 00:21:38,130 --> 00:21:41,258 Do you know if this auditorium validates parking? 530 00:21:41,550 --> 00:21:44,011 Our opponent would like you to believe 531 00:21:44,303 --> 00:21:45,721 that mitt Romney is a merman. 532 00:21:46,013 --> 00:21:49,725 Now, I know mitt Romney does not live in the sea. 533 00:21:50,017 --> 00:21:51,769 - Mormon, governor. 534 00:21:52,061 --> 00:21:54,772 - A mormon? Now, that's crazy.