1 00:00:06,673 --> 00:00:09,801 - After all these years, I finally have it all. 2 00:00:10,093 --> 00:00:12,804 I'm gonna miss this place. 3 00:00:13,096 --> 00:00:15,557 That's how you do it. It's two lines. 4 00:00:16,934 --> 00:00:18,101 Hey, 1 % d-bag! 5 00:00:18,393 --> 00:00:20,312 You can't park here! You don't own the sidewalk! 6 00:00:20,604 --> 00:00:22,689 - Ahh! 7 00:00:22,981 --> 00:00:24,261 It's nice to see you back at work 8 00:00:24,316 --> 00:00:26,419 and taking advantage of being in the greatest city on earth, 9 00:00:26,443 --> 00:00:28,820 despite our tiny UN-American sodas. 10 00:00:29,112 --> 00:00:30,697 - Well, I feel like New York City 11 00:00:30,989 --> 00:00:32,091 is one of the characters on our show. 12 00:00:32,115 --> 00:00:33,367 That's idiotic. 13 00:00:33,659 --> 00:00:36,078 So how was your hiatus? Start with what puzzles you did. 14 00:00:36,370 --> 00:00:39,081 - Venice, solar system, unicorn... 15 00:00:39,373 --> 00:00:41,333 The cast of L.A. law. That one took me a while. 16 00:00:41,625 --> 00:00:44,962 So much white. Anyway... 17 00:00:45,254 --> 00:00:46,494 Good to be back, but stressful. 18 00:00:46,630 --> 00:00:49,299 The usual Liz Lemon work-life balancing act. 19 00:00:49,591 --> 00:00:50,991 - How are things with Criss? - Good. 20 00:00:51,134 --> 00:00:54,137 Great. We are trying... 21 00:00:54,429 --> 00:00:55,949 - Really, Lemon? You can't even say "trying"? 22 00:00:55,973 --> 00:00:58,267 What positions are you using? 23 00:00:58,559 --> 00:01:00,703 - The one. There's only one. Talk about something else. 24 00:01:00,727 --> 00:01:02,938 - Fine. We'll talk about me. 25 00:01:03,230 --> 00:01:05,691 I have never been better. 26 00:01:05,983 --> 00:01:07,401 And my divorce went smoothly. 27 00:01:07,693 --> 00:01:09,933 In fact, thanks to a round of golf with archbishop Dolan, 28 00:01:10,070 --> 00:01:11,070 I was never married. 29 00:01:11,238 --> 00:01:12,238 Libby won a bronze 30 00:01:12,322 --> 00:01:13,949 in horsey jumpy at the baby Olympics, 31 00:01:14,241 --> 00:01:16,827 and at work, I am taking the bull by the horns. 32 00:01:17,119 --> 00:01:19,246 Have you seen the new fall shows? 33 00:01:19,538 --> 00:01:20,872 - Yes, I have... 34 00:01:21,164 --> 00:01:22,165 Seen them. 35 00:01:22,457 --> 00:01:23,834 - If you're tired of sexy vampires, 36 00:01:24,126 --> 00:01:25,246 then you'll love hunchbacks, 37 00:01:25,502 --> 00:01:27,838 starring Jonathan silverman as Dr. Fantastico. 38 00:01:28,130 --> 00:01:28,672 And do you like the information channel 39 00:01:28,964 --> 00:01:30,244 you get when you stay in a hotel? 40 00:01:30,424 --> 00:01:32,134 Well, Thursdays is just that now. 41 00:01:32,426 --> 00:01:34,177 - So what do you think of the new shows? 42 00:01:34,469 --> 00:01:36,054 - I... hey, Jonathan's back. 43 00:01:36,346 --> 00:01:37,848 - Yes, little big man discovered 44 00:01:38,140 --> 00:01:40,060 the grass isn't always greener on the other side, 45 00:01:40,142 --> 00:01:41,268 and came crawling back. 46 00:01:41,560 --> 00:01:43,312 - My grandmother was seriously ill. 47 00:01:43,604 --> 00:01:46,648 I went to salinas to feed and bathe her. 48 00:01:46,940 --> 00:01:50,694 - I'm sorry. - I still don't like you. 49 00:01:50,986 --> 00:01:51,986 - God cop? 50 00:01:52,029 --> 00:01:54,698 "Crime just got a new worst friend." 51 00:01:54,990 --> 00:01:56,491 The hell is that? 52 00:01:56,783 --> 00:01:58,869 - A show I am very excited about. 53 00:01:59,161 --> 00:02:00,787 A New York City detective solves crimes 54 00:02:01,079 --> 00:02:03,624 with the help of his new partner, god. 55 00:02:03,915 --> 00:02:05,834 - So god just tells him who did it? 56 00:02:06,126 --> 00:02:07,836 - God can't just tell him who did it. 57 00:02:08,128 --> 00:02:09,528 - Why not? - Watch the pilot, Lemon. 58 00:02:09,713 --> 00:02:10,873 It's all explained in the end 59 00:02:11,048 --> 00:02:12,924 by the wise black man played by Karl Malone. 60 00:02:13,216 --> 00:02:15,010 - You're really taking some swings here. 61 00:02:15,302 --> 00:02:15,927 - I have no choice. 62 00:02:16,219 --> 00:02:19,222 My boss Hank Hooper is clearly planning to retire. 63 00:02:19,514 --> 00:02:20,641 Word is he bought a boat. 64 00:02:20,932 --> 00:02:21,933 But it's not a yacht, 65 00:02:22,225 --> 00:02:24,645 for corporate parties and hooker disposal. 66 00:02:24,936 --> 00:02:26,063 It's a two-man fishing boat. 67 00:02:26,355 --> 00:02:27,981 - I believe that is called a skiff. 68 00:02:28,273 --> 00:02:31,443 - I will not have you telling me boat names in my own office. 69 00:02:31,735 --> 00:02:34,237 Hank has vowed to keep Kabletown in his family. 70 00:02:34,529 --> 00:02:37,282 I have one chance to change his mind before he retires. 71 00:02:37,574 --> 00:02:38,909 That's where shows like god cop, 72 00:02:39,201 --> 00:02:42,079 O.J. Simpson live, and rule of threes come in. 73 00:02:42,371 --> 00:02:44,247 - Oh, brother. - Oh, brother... 74 00:02:44,539 --> 00:02:47,542 A comedy about two jive-talking con men 75 00:02:47,834 --> 00:02:49,753 hiding out in a monastery. 76 00:02:50,045 --> 00:02:54,049 Jonathan, bring me my green light. 77 00:02:57,302 --> 00:03:05,185 ♪ ♪ 78 00:03:17,072 --> 00:03:19,658 My wedding is gonna be a disaster! 79 00:03:19,950 --> 00:03:22,244 The doves I ordered for the wedding came, 80 00:03:22,536 --> 00:03:25,080 and they're all dead! 81 00:03:25,372 --> 00:03:28,417 - Ugh! Ugh! One of 'em touched my tongue! 82 00:03:30,210 --> 00:03:31,628 - Calm down. 83 00:03:31,920 --> 00:03:33,480 I'll show you that video of Taylor swift 84 00:03:33,630 --> 00:03:35,108 getting hit in the face with a foul ball. 85 00:03:35,132 --> 00:03:38,385 - Oh, I'm fine, Liz. The doves were just a drill. 86 00:03:38,677 --> 00:03:41,388 Everyone needs to be on their toes for my wedding year. 87 00:03:41,680 --> 00:03:43,515 I'm gonna be a nightmare. 88 00:03:43,807 --> 00:03:46,685 - Wait, if that was a drill, did you kill those doves? 89 00:03:46,977 --> 00:03:48,657 - No. I bought them at the dead dove store. 90 00:03:48,937 --> 00:03:50,147 Grow up, Liz. 91 00:03:50,439 --> 00:03:51,898 - Jenna, you're always a... 92 00:03:52,190 --> 00:03:53,608 High-strung perfectionist. 93 00:03:53,900 --> 00:03:55,180 - I prefer soul-sucking monster. 94 00:03:55,444 --> 00:03:56,921 - How could your wedding make you any worse? 95 00:03:56,945 --> 00:03:57,945 - I don't know, 96 00:03:58,113 --> 00:04:00,174 but it's a fun little journey we're all gonna go on together. 97 00:04:00,198 --> 00:04:01,518 - Uh-huh. So when is this wedding? 98 00:04:01,783 --> 00:04:04,578 - I can't tell you. It's a secret surprise wedding. 99 00:04:04,870 --> 00:04:06,710 Because that's what all the big celebrities do. 100 00:04:06,872 --> 00:04:09,499 Beyonce, J.Lo, Natalie Portman, 101 00:04:09,791 --> 00:04:12,169 whose real last name is Hershlag, by the way. 102 00:04:12,461 --> 00:04:13,581 - Okay, that's not relevant. 103 00:04:13,754 --> 00:04:14,981 - I just think people should know. 104 00:04:15,005 --> 00:04:16,006 You know, 105 00:04:16,298 --> 00:04:17,658 I have a lot of really good friends 106 00:04:17,799 --> 00:04:19,426 I could ask to be my maid of honor. 107 00:04:19,718 --> 00:04:23,013 Paz de la huerta, the former Mrs. Jon Cryer, 108 00:04:23,305 --> 00:04:24,514 honey boo boo's mom. 109 00:04:24,806 --> 00:04:25,807 - June. 110 00:04:26,099 --> 00:04:27,350 - But you're my oldest friend. 111 00:04:27,642 --> 00:04:29,311 And also, I've known you for a long time. 112 00:04:29,603 --> 00:04:32,397 Liz, will you be my maid of honor? 113 00:04:32,689 --> 00:04:35,150 - Oh, Jenna, that is so nice. 114 00:04:35,442 --> 00:04:37,319 But I've just got so much going on 115 00:04:37,611 --> 00:04:39,446 with the show and baby stuff. 116 00:04:39,738 --> 00:04:41,448 Oh, god! My hands! Please! 117 00:04:41,740 --> 00:04:44,576 I'll do it! I'd love to do it! You're my best friend! 118 00:04:44,868 --> 00:04:47,621 - Oh, yay! 119 00:04:47,913 --> 00:04:49,753 Oh, you're in charge of the bachelorette party. 120 00:04:49,790 --> 00:04:52,209 Make sure you have a stripper there from every race. 121 00:04:52,501 --> 00:04:55,003 Start looking for Indian now. It's a tough booking. 122 00:04:55,295 --> 00:04:57,005 Mm, best friendies! 123 00:05:02,260 --> 00:05:05,597 - Mr. Jordan. I need some advice. 124 00:05:05,889 --> 00:05:07,283 - I recommend you get it from Liz Lemon 125 00:05:07,307 --> 00:05:09,267 or an owl who wears glasses. 126 00:05:09,559 --> 00:05:11,603 - No, sir. It's about women. 127 00:05:11,895 --> 00:05:14,105 I've been living with Hazel for the past few months, 128 00:05:14,397 --> 00:05:17,734 and while we have gotten to second base... 129 00:05:18,026 --> 00:05:19,128 - you mean a threesome with Robinson Cano? 130 00:05:19,152 --> 00:05:20,152 - No. 131 00:05:20,362 --> 00:05:22,489 I mean sharing a yogurt. 132 00:05:22,781 --> 00:05:24,199 I'm saving myself for marriage, 133 00:05:24,491 --> 00:05:25,851 and Hazel says she's saving herself 134 00:05:26,117 --> 00:05:28,328 for a grade-a pork machine. 135 00:05:28,620 --> 00:05:30,413 And those are expensive. 136 00:05:30,705 --> 00:05:34,167 It's just Hazel's my first real girlfriend, 137 00:05:34,459 --> 00:05:35,877 and I want to make sure I'm doing 138 00:05:36,169 --> 00:05:38,046 everything I can to make her happy. 139 00:05:38,338 --> 00:05:39,774 - I'll tell you how to make a woman happy. 140 00:05:39,798 --> 00:05:40,798 You take charge. 141 00:05:40,841 --> 00:05:42,509 She comes home one night, 142 00:05:42,801 --> 00:05:45,053 you're in the kitchen naked cooking chili. 143 00:05:45,345 --> 00:05:47,264 You feed it to her out of your hands. 144 00:05:47,556 --> 00:05:50,141 Make her act like a bird. 145 00:05:50,433 --> 00:05:52,602 Damn it, I don't know. I've been married for 22 years. 146 00:05:52,894 --> 00:05:55,522 - That's half as long as it felt like arliss was on TV. 147 00:05:55,814 --> 00:05:57,566 - You want to make a woman happy? 148 00:05:57,858 --> 00:05:58,525 You listen to her. 149 00:05:58,817 --> 00:06:01,987 'Cause guess what. She's always right. 150 00:06:02,279 --> 00:06:03,822 The women in our lives are queens. 151 00:06:04,114 --> 00:06:05,532 Honor your queen, Kenneth. 152 00:06:05,824 --> 00:06:07,624 If she wants to look at new window treatments, 153 00:06:07,742 --> 00:06:09,828 you go to crate barn. 154 00:06:10,120 --> 00:06:11,520 If she wants to have a dinner party, 155 00:06:11,746 --> 00:06:13,456 you go fry up some dolphins. 156 00:06:13,748 --> 00:06:16,084 - She does say we never entertain. 157 00:06:16,376 --> 00:06:18,503 - You're losing her. Go get her! 158 00:06:18,795 --> 00:06:19,504 Go get your woman! 159 00:06:19,796 --> 00:06:21,256 And speaking of which, 160 00:06:21,548 --> 00:06:23,508 Angie's been in the hospital for a week. 161 00:06:23,800 --> 00:06:24,819 Could you go find out why? 162 00:06:24,843 --> 00:06:27,596 - Ooh. - Thank you. 163 00:06:30,807 --> 00:06:32,267 - Frank, you do stand-up. 164 00:06:32,559 --> 00:06:34,352 How would you like to have your own sitcom? 165 00:06:34,644 --> 00:06:35,644 - Can I have a hot wife? 166 00:06:35,687 --> 00:06:36,271 - If you gain 50 pounds. - Yeah. 167 00:06:36,563 --> 00:06:38,523 - Hey, I have an idea for a show. 168 00:06:38,815 --> 00:06:40,655 It's about a boy who befriends a talking panda, 169 00:06:40,734 --> 00:06:42,378 and they're allowed to sleep in the same bed. 170 00:06:42,402 --> 00:06:43,546 - Have it on my desk tomorrow. 171 00:06:43,570 --> 00:06:47,115 Okay. 172 00:06:48,742 --> 00:06:51,453 - Look, Jack, I know you think fixing NBC 173 00:06:51,745 --> 00:06:55,457 is just another negative synergy dynamics matrix. 174 00:06:55,749 --> 00:06:56,416 - I wish. 175 00:06:56,708 --> 00:06:58,895 Then I could just solve it with a Schwarzfeld tesseract. 176 00:06:58,919 --> 00:07:01,421 No, this is the nadir of my career, Lemon. 177 00:07:01,713 --> 00:07:03,965 No room for advancement, a boss who doesn't get it. 178 00:07:04,257 --> 00:07:07,218 Every day, I wish some other company had bought NBC. 179 00:07:07,510 --> 00:07:09,387 Xerox, Alcoa, paas. 180 00:07:09,679 --> 00:07:10,679 - The easter egg company? 181 00:07:10,764 --> 00:07:10,972 - They own their market. 182 00:07:11,264 --> 00:07:12,544 When was the last time you bought 183 00:07:12,807 --> 00:07:14,601 a non-paas egg-dyeing kit? 184 00:07:14,893 --> 00:07:16,561 - Try never. Paas is the best. 185 00:07:16,853 --> 00:07:18,613 Their wire egg Dipper is tops in the industry 186 00:07:18,855 --> 00:07:20,695 with the thinnest egg loop to reduce dye lines. 187 00:07:20,732 --> 00:07:21,983 - Exactly. 188 00:07:22,275 --> 00:07:24,444 Only I don't work for paas. I work for Kabletown. 189 00:07:24,736 --> 00:07:27,197 But I have a plan that will fix everything. 190 00:07:27,489 --> 00:07:28,716 - Okay, here's the thing, Jack. 191 00:07:28,740 --> 00:07:32,118 Your plan isn't gonna work. Your shows are terrible. 192 00:07:32,410 --> 00:07:34,621 I mean, have you seen that new game show homonym? 193 00:07:34,913 --> 00:07:38,124 - Your next word is "meat." 194 00:07:38,416 --> 00:07:39,416 - Oh, boy. Um... 195 00:07:39,459 --> 00:07:41,336 Like when two people run into each other. 196 00:07:41,628 --> 00:07:42,908 - Uh, sorry, it's the other one. 197 00:07:43,046 --> 00:07:45,131 Your next word is "stare." - Okay. 198 00:07:45,423 --> 00:07:46,743 Um, the things you climb to get... 199 00:07:46,800 --> 00:07:47,860 - no, no, it's the other one. 200 00:07:47,884 --> 00:07:49,804 - It's always the other one. Let me see the card. 201 00:07:50,053 --> 00:07:51,554 - No! Never! 202 00:07:51,846 --> 00:07:53,264 - Your shows stink, Jack. - Really? 203 00:07:53,556 --> 00:07:54,596 So you don't peacock them? 204 00:07:54,766 --> 00:07:56,393 - I don't... Think so. 205 00:07:56,685 --> 00:07:57,310 But look, I get it. 206 00:07:57,602 --> 00:07:59,896 The clock's ticking, and you feel like time's running out. 207 00:08:00,188 --> 00:08:01,314 It's like me and everything. 208 00:08:01,606 --> 00:08:03,274 How long is this show gonna last? 209 00:08:03,566 --> 00:08:04,627 How many eggs do I have left? 210 00:08:04,651 --> 00:08:06,403 Will I ever finish reading the corrections? 211 00:08:06,695 --> 00:08:09,239 But you can't let that panic get into your head. 212 00:08:09,531 --> 00:08:10,633 - Well, thank you for your feedback, Lemon, 213 00:08:10,657 --> 00:08:12,737 but I'm not panicking, I know exactly what I'm doing, 214 00:08:12,784 --> 00:08:15,203 so good peacock to you. 215 00:08:15,495 --> 00:08:19,374 - But, Jack... - I said good peacock. 216 00:08:22,585 --> 00:08:23,585 - Mr. Jordan. 217 00:08:23,628 --> 00:08:25,505 I mentioned your dinner party idea to Hazel. 218 00:08:25,797 --> 00:08:26,797 - Yes. 219 00:08:27,007 --> 00:08:31,386 And I thought we'd have a little fete chez nous ce soir. 220 00:08:31,678 --> 00:08:33,364 - Oh, how nice to meet a woman who speaks the language 221 00:08:33,388 --> 00:08:36,141 of the Nazis' most enthusiastic collaborators. 222 00:08:36,433 --> 00:08:37,433 What a kind invitation. 223 00:08:37,684 --> 00:08:39,436 I do enjoy seeing the homes of poor whites. 224 00:08:39,728 --> 00:08:40,020 What should I bring? 225 00:08:40,311 --> 00:08:43,690 - Just bring your fascinating self. 226 00:08:43,982 --> 00:08:44,399 Kenneth tells me that you started 227 00:08:44,691 --> 00:08:46,693 your own movie studio this summer. 228 00:08:46,985 --> 00:08:49,487 - Yes. I'm sort of the black Tyler Perry. 229 00:08:49,779 --> 00:08:50,363 - Oh, and I'm an aspiring actress 230 00:08:50,655 --> 00:08:51,799 whose most recent credits include 231 00:08:51,823 --> 00:08:54,075 running onstage during sister act. 232 00:08:54,367 --> 00:08:55,493 - This is wonderful. 233 00:08:55,785 --> 00:08:58,496 Tracy Jordan is coming to dinner. 234 00:08:58,788 --> 00:09:00,468 Just like in that episode of family matters 235 00:09:00,498 --> 00:09:02,667 when Tracy Jordan came to dinner. 236 00:09:02,959 --> 00:09:05,378 - You know I wasn't scripted to be in that episode. 237 00:09:05,670 --> 00:09:09,632 I just wandered onto set because Reginald VelJohnson owed me $40. 238 00:09:09,924 --> 00:09:11,051 Oh. 239 00:09:11,342 --> 00:09:13,462 - I'm thinking about Vegas for the bachelorette party. 240 00:09:13,553 --> 00:09:14,633 We can't stay at the palms. 241 00:09:14,721 --> 00:09:16,014 One of the maloofs wants me dead, 242 00:09:16,306 --> 00:09:17,324 and the other one loves me. 243 00:09:17,348 --> 00:09:18,576 I don't remember which is which. 244 00:09:18,600 --> 00:09:19,600 - Okay, great. 245 00:09:19,851 --> 00:09:21,394 Tracy, I need your advice. 246 00:09:21,686 --> 00:09:22,020 You like to throw parties. 247 00:09:22,312 --> 00:09:24,064 - Why is everyone asking me for advice? 248 00:09:24,355 --> 00:09:25,565 I'm Tracy Jordan. 249 00:09:25,857 --> 00:09:27,942 Father of 3, married 22 years. 250 00:09:28,234 --> 00:09:30,070 I run my own business. 251 00:09:30,361 --> 00:09:33,364 Oh, my god. I'm the most stable adult here. 252 00:09:33,656 --> 00:09:35,825 - Oh, god, I don't want to be Jenna's maid of honor. 253 00:09:36,117 --> 00:09:37,452 She wants her "something borrowed" 254 00:09:37,744 --> 00:09:39,370 to be Jessica biel's youth. 255 00:09:39,662 --> 00:09:41,706 I don't know how to get that. 256 00:09:41,998 --> 00:09:43,517 - If you don't want to do this, you should tank it. 257 00:09:43,541 --> 00:09:45,144 That's what I do when I want to get out of something 258 00:09:45,168 --> 00:09:47,253 like a schedule, a parent-teacher conference, 259 00:09:47,545 --> 00:09:49,047 or this boring conversation. 260 00:09:49,339 --> 00:09:50,339 - Tank it? Wow, no. 261 00:09:50,507 --> 00:09:51,507 That's not "how I roll." 262 00:09:51,549 --> 00:09:53,429 - Thank you for saying that in dated urban slang 263 00:09:53,718 --> 00:09:55,095 so that I'll understand you. 264 00:09:55,386 --> 00:09:56,386 - Word. 265 00:09:56,471 --> 00:09:58,890 And I would certainly never tank on my friend Jenna. 266 00:09:59,182 --> 00:10:00,502 - Because you're terrified of her, 267 00:10:00,558 --> 00:10:02,536 the way most white ladies are with their best friends? 268 00:10:02,560 --> 00:10:04,312 - That is racist, and only part true. 269 00:10:04,604 --> 00:10:07,524 A good person doesn't intentionally do a bad job. 270 00:10:07,816 --> 00:10:09,400 I mean, look at Jack. 271 00:10:09,692 --> 00:10:10,193 He's in this terrible position at work, 272 00:10:10,485 --> 00:10:11,765 he wishes he were somewhere else. 273 00:10:11,861 --> 00:10:13,071 Is he tanking it? 274 00:10:13,363 --> 00:10:16,116 No. In fact, he's trying even harder. 275 00:10:16,407 --> 00:10:19,911 - Tonight on NBC, Joe rogan is mandela. 276 00:10:20,203 --> 00:10:22,997 And if it's Wednesday, it must be Cricket night in america. 277 00:10:23,289 --> 00:10:25,959 Then on Jay, a full hour of Gary Sinise's band. 278 00:10:26,251 --> 00:10:31,214 - Oh, my god. Jack's tanking NBC! 279 00:10:32,757 --> 00:10:34,968 - Turning around on god cop, scene 24. 280 00:10:35,260 --> 00:10:36,540 - I know what you're doing, Jack. 281 00:10:36,594 --> 00:10:38,074 You are purposely tanking the network. 282 00:10:38,346 --> 00:10:39,681 - Good god, Lemon, what is it 283 00:10:39,973 --> 00:10:41,813 with you liberals and your conspiracy theories? 284 00:10:41,850 --> 00:10:42,433 I've got bad news for you. 285 00:10:42,725 --> 00:10:44,936 The CIA did not invent crack cocaine, 286 00:10:45,228 --> 00:10:46,988 the levees blew themselves up in New Orleans, 287 00:10:47,147 --> 00:10:50,024 and no one is trying to destroy NBC. 288 00:10:50,316 --> 00:10:52,116 - Hang on, did you cast yourself in this show? 289 00:10:52,318 --> 00:10:52,735 - What can I say? 290 00:10:53,027 --> 00:10:54,737 We saw hundreds of actors for god. 291 00:10:55,029 --> 00:10:57,258 Finally, the network executive said I should just play it. 292 00:10:57,282 --> 00:10:58,522 - You're the network executive. 293 00:10:58,783 --> 00:11:03,163 - Uh, could we have a moment, please? 294 00:11:03,454 --> 00:11:05,248 Fine. You got me. 295 00:11:05,540 --> 00:11:08,251 I'm steering the Titanic into the iceberg. 296 00:11:08,543 --> 00:11:09,895 - Why? Are you trying to get fired? 297 00:11:09,919 --> 00:11:11,397 - I'm trying to get Hank to sell the network, 298 00:11:11,421 --> 00:11:12,481 and the only way to make him do that 299 00:11:12,505 --> 00:11:14,883 is to turn it into a money-losing embarrassment. 300 00:11:15,175 --> 00:11:17,427 This explains everything. 301 00:11:17,719 --> 00:11:18,904 How long has this been going on? 302 00:11:18,928 --> 00:11:20,388 Seven years, eight? 303 00:11:20,680 --> 00:11:21,680 - Six weeks. 304 00:11:21,806 --> 00:11:23,141 I have an investor lined up 305 00:11:23,433 --> 00:11:25,518 who'll buy the network and keep me in charge. 306 00:11:25,810 --> 00:11:26,936 I can't tell you who it is, 307 00:11:27,228 --> 00:11:27,812 but his word is as good 308 00:11:28,104 --> 00:11:30,231 as the color consistency on one of his easter eggs. 309 00:11:30,523 --> 00:11:31,523 - Adolph paas? 310 00:11:31,608 --> 00:11:33,693 This is wrong, Jack. 311 00:11:33,985 --> 00:11:36,571 - Lemon, I cannot go to another business school reunion 312 00:11:36,863 --> 00:11:39,782 and sit at the non-CEO table with the... 313 00:11:40,074 --> 00:11:41,492 Women and nice men. 314 00:11:41,784 --> 00:11:43,762 You're right, Lemon, the clock is ticking for both of us, 315 00:11:43,786 --> 00:11:46,372 but if I pull this off, it's good for you too. 316 00:11:46,664 --> 00:11:49,667 You've never worked at a properly-managed company before. 317 00:11:49,959 --> 00:11:50,959 - That's true. 318 00:11:51,127 --> 00:11:52,855 Before this, I ran an all-women's theater company. 319 00:11:52,879 --> 00:11:55,298 Everyone was vice-president. - Think of the job stability. 320 00:11:55,590 --> 00:11:59,010 Less stress, a commissary that has taco Tuesdays again. 321 00:11:59,302 --> 00:12:02,055 After seven years, you'll finally have a life. 322 00:12:02,347 --> 00:12:02,889 - And what if your plan doesn't work? 323 00:12:03,181 --> 00:12:04,724 - Of course, it's a risk, 324 00:12:05,016 --> 00:12:07,176 but sometimes your only choice is to blow everything up 325 00:12:07,268 --> 00:12:09,938 and build something better out of the rubble. 326 00:12:10,230 --> 00:12:12,523 Look at sherman's march to the sea. 327 00:12:12,815 --> 00:12:15,401 Or what my good friend bane tried to do to Gotham. 328 00:12:15,693 --> 00:12:16,693 Join me, Lemon. 329 00:12:16,778 --> 00:12:18,821 Help me tank NBC. 330 00:12:19,113 --> 00:12:21,741 - Never. You're playing with peoples' lives here. 331 00:12:22,033 --> 00:12:22,617 Who do you think you are? 332 00:12:22,909 --> 00:12:25,245 - God, we're ready for you. 333 00:12:29,916 --> 00:12:33,127 - If there is one thing I have realized from being god, 334 00:12:33,419 --> 00:12:34,539 it's that the more you know, 335 00:12:34,796 --> 00:12:37,340 the more you realize you do not... 336 00:12:37,632 --> 00:12:38,132 Know. 337 00:12:38,424 --> 00:12:39,634 - Why is he learning anything? 338 00:12:39,926 --> 00:12:41,511 He's supposed to be god. 339 00:12:44,555 --> 00:12:46,474 Now, don't embarrass me. 340 00:12:50,520 --> 00:12:53,231 Tracy! Welcome to our home. 341 00:12:53,523 --> 00:12:54,917 - Well, it's not technically a home, 342 00:12:54,941 --> 00:12:56,734 because no one's supposed to be living here, 343 00:12:57,026 --> 00:13:00,196 but welcome to our condemned site of the Candyman murders. 344 00:13:00,488 --> 00:13:03,199 - Will you put this in the oven at about 200 degrees? 345 00:13:03,491 --> 00:13:04,867 My snake should be very comfortable 346 00:13:05,159 --> 00:13:06,202 while she gives birth. 347 00:13:06,494 --> 00:13:08,454 - Oh. 348 00:13:08,746 --> 00:13:13,960 - Mr. Jordan, please help yourself to some appetizers. 349 00:13:14,752 --> 00:13:17,839 - Thank you. Your home is terrible. 350 00:13:18,131 --> 00:13:19,882 - Shall we conversation? 351 00:13:20,174 --> 00:13:21,968 - Yes. We're having weather. - Much weather. 352 00:13:22,260 --> 00:13:24,554 - So speaking of your movie studio... 353 00:13:24,846 --> 00:13:26,889 - This conversation has a real flow to it. 354 00:13:27,181 --> 00:13:29,350 - Do you ever have any roles for white women 355 00:13:29,642 --> 00:13:31,686 who've been described by the Hollywood reporter 356 00:13:31,978 --> 00:13:35,565 as "some lady" who ruined the premiere of paranorman? 357 00:13:35,857 --> 00:13:38,192 - Oh, I always have one white person in all of my movies. 358 00:13:38,484 --> 00:13:39,524 We have to have a villain. 359 00:13:39,777 --> 00:13:41,497 - Oh, and who's worse than us whites, right? 360 00:13:41,612 --> 00:13:44,824 I mean, look at slavery. That was bananas. 361 00:13:46,951 --> 00:13:50,079 - Oh, that sturgeon just will not die. 362 00:13:50,371 --> 00:13:53,041 Excuse me a moment. 363 00:13:53,333 --> 00:13:54,876 - Oh, I also do accents. 364 00:13:55,168 --> 00:13:58,212 Oh, me a cockney person. 365 00:13:58,504 --> 00:14:00,715 This is your uncle Bob? 366 00:14:06,220 --> 00:14:08,598 - Oh, Liz. Fyi. 367 00:14:08,890 --> 00:14:10,690 Paul's family dog is gonna be the ring bearer. 368 00:14:10,808 --> 00:14:13,811 Zoltan is an 18-year-old German Shepherd who cannot walk. 369 00:14:14,103 --> 00:14:15,414 So you're gonna be in charge of him. 370 00:14:15,438 --> 00:14:15,980 - No, Jenna, I'm allergic to dogs. 371 00:14:16,272 --> 00:14:17,607 - Oh, don't worry. 372 00:14:17,899 --> 00:14:20,068 He's hairless because of his insanity medication. 373 00:14:20,360 --> 00:14:23,905 Also, since this is a surprise wedding, 374 00:14:24,197 --> 00:14:25,382 you're gonna want to carry around 375 00:14:25,406 --> 00:14:27,051 your bridesmaid's dress with you at all times. 376 00:14:27,075 --> 00:14:29,786 Look how great this is gonna look next to me. 377 00:14:30,078 --> 00:14:31,347 - You know I can't wear green, Jenna. 378 00:14:31,371 --> 00:14:34,332 The Clinique lady says I have witch undertones. 379 00:14:34,624 --> 00:14:35,642 - Liz, this isn't about you. 380 00:14:35,666 --> 00:14:37,627 Now, tonight, we have a tasting with the caterer. 381 00:14:37,919 --> 00:14:39,104 It's gonna be molecular gastronomy. 382 00:14:39,128 --> 00:14:41,714 The cake is a tasteless foam. 383 00:14:42,006 --> 00:14:43,246 There's no cake? 384 00:14:43,424 --> 00:14:44,592 - Tonight on NBC... 385 00:14:44,884 --> 00:14:45,884 Tank it, 386 00:14:45,968 --> 00:14:47,128 the reality event of the year 387 00:14:47,303 --> 00:14:48,846 where we make grandpas put on tank tops 388 00:14:49,138 --> 00:14:50,932 and then laugh at them. 389 00:14:51,224 --> 00:14:52,392 Tank it. 390 00:14:52,683 --> 00:14:55,269 - You know what? I can't do anything tonight. 391 00:14:55,561 --> 00:15:00,024 Because tonight is your surprise bachelorette party! Aah! 392 00:15:00,316 --> 00:15:02,360 - Aah! No way! You planned it already? 393 00:15:02,652 --> 00:15:05,321 - Sure. And you should get your hopes way up. 394 00:15:05,613 --> 00:15:06,989 See you at my apartment at 8:00. 395 00:15:07,281 --> 00:15:08,908 - Your apartment? Why? 396 00:15:09,200 --> 00:15:11,035 - It's a surprise. 397 00:15:11,327 --> 00:15:15,832 And there's nothing worse than a surprise Lemon party. 398 00:15:16,124 --> 00:15:17,917 - Kenneth, darling, 399 00:15:18,209 --> 00:15:19,836 why don't you run out and get dessert? 400 00:15:20,128 --> 00:15:22,839 - Oh, but we have government ice cream. 401 00:15:23,131 --> 00:15:25,383 - And that's what you're gonna serve to Tracy Jordan? 402 00:15:25,675 --> 00:15:27,301 - I'm as shocked as anybody. 403 00:15:27,593 --> 00:15:29,929 - Oh, uh, okay. 404 00:15:30,221 --> 00:15:31,323 Oh, maybe the nice vending machine 405 00:15:31,347 --> 00:15:33,808 at the prison is working again. 406 00:15:37,270 --> 00:15:38,539 - You're a real man, Tracy Jordan, 407 00:15:38,563 --> 00:15:39,563 playing it cool all night 408 00:15:39,772 --> 00:15:41,649 while I rubbed your foot under the table. 409 00:15:41,941 --> 00:15:43,317 - My foot? 410 00:15:43,609 --> 00:15:45,403 No. That's shoe stuffing. 411 00:15:45,695 --> 00:15:47,780 It helps keep the shape of my shoes. 412 00:15:48,072 --> 00:15:51,200 Why was you rubbing my foot anyway? 413 00:15:53,161 --> 00:15:54,203 - Please. 414 00:15:54,495 --> 00:15:56,164 You know what's happening here. 415 00:15:56,456 --> 00:15:59,292 - I never know what's happening anywhere. 416 00:16:01,252 --> 00:16:04,297 - Okay, let's get this party started! 417 00:16:04,589 --> 00:16:08,134 - Ooh, I smell Italian guys. 418 00:16:09,969 --> 00:16:10,969 What is this? 419 00:16:11,053 --> 00:16:12,293 - It's your bachelorette party. 420 00:16:12,555 --> 00:16:14,700 Bethany from work is here, and a bunch of my neighbors, 421 00:16:14,724 --> 00:16:15,808 a clown. 422 00:16:16,100 --> 00:16:18,436 And there's a god cop marathon on NBC. 423 00:16:18,728 --> 00:16:19,830 - I think Esposito lied to us. 424 00:16:19,854 --> 00:16:22,023 - What do you mean "you think"? You're god! 425 00:16:22,315 --> 00:16:23,983 I don't understand the rules of this. 426 00:16:24,275 --> 00:16:25,693 - Let us pray. 427 00:16:25,985 --> 00:16:27,570 - To whom? 428 00:16:27,862 --> 00:16:28,902 - Before you say anything, 429 00:16:28,946 --> 00:16:30,656 I have one more surprise for you. 430 00:16:30,948 --> 00:16:33,576 Officer, we're ready! 431 00:16:33,868 --> 00:16:36,621 - Oh, thank god. 432 00:16:36,913 --> 00:16:39,081 - Listen up, ladies. You're all in a lot of trouble 433 00:16:39,373 --> 00:16:42,293 if you don't protect yourselves against identity theft. 434 00:16:42,585 --> 00:16:44,462 Please take a pamphlet, pass them along. 435 00:16:44,754 --> 00:16:46,756 - Okay, you're upset. 436 00:16:47,048 --> 00:16:47,757 But this is what you get 437 00:16:48,049 --> 00:16:50,218 when you choose Liz Lemon as your maid of honor. 438 00:16:50,510 --> 00:16:52,011 Oh, so let's get this over with. 439 00:16:52,303 --> 00:16:54,972 I mean, what's the worst you could possibly... 440 00:16:55,264 --> 00:16:57,683 Aah! 441 00:16:57,975 --> 00:17:00,102 - Tracy, I will do anything 442 00:17:00,394 --> 00:17:03,022 to play a villain in one of your movies. 443 00:17:03,314 --> 00:17:04,774 The camera loves me. 444 00:17:05,066 --> 00:17:08,027 Especially when I flash my baby blues. 445 00:17:08,319 --> 00:17:09,820 - Why are they Blue? 446 00:17:10,112 --> 00:17:11,239 - Yeah. - No. 447 00:17:11,531 --> 00:17:12,782 I'm married, Hazel. 448 00:17:13,074 --> 00:17:14,158 - So am I. 449 00:17:14,450 --> 00:17:16,619 And if he ever wakes up from that coma, I'm dead! 450 00:17:16,911 --> 00:17:18,996 That's why I live for today. 451 00:17:19,288 --> 00:17:21,958 - You're just using Kenneth, and I'm telling him everything! 452 00:17:22,250 --> 00:17:24,752 - Whatever. Go ahead and try. 453 00:17:25,044 --> 00:17:26,546 - I'm gonna have to try? 454 00:17:26,837 --> 00:17:29,757 Worst night ever! 455 00:17:31,217 --> 00:17:31,926 - Just ask one of your famous friends to be maid of honor! 456 00:17:32,218 --> 00:17:34,554 - Why do you think I asked you in the first place? 457 00:17:34,845 --> 00:17:36,847 Because you're not famous! 458 00:17:37,139 --> 00:17:38,891 You think I want someone up there with me 459 00:17:39,183 --> 00:17:40,463 that other people are looking at? 460 00:17:40,518 --> 00:17:41,918 I wanted you because you're nothing! 461 00:17:42,937 --> 00:17:44,021 Yeah, I get it. 462 00:17:44,313 --> 00:17:45,749 You didn't want to get Pippa Middleton. 463 00:17:45,773 --> 00:17:47,984 - Why would you even mention her? 464 00:17:50,444 --> 00:17:53,698 Who's gonna be my maid of honor now, Liz? 465 00:17:53,990 --> 00:17:54,990 Nobody. 466 00:17:55,032 --> 00:17:57,451 - From the rubble, I will build. 467 00:17:57,743 --> 00:17:59,829 - Are you talking about me underneath your breath? 468 00:18:00,121 --> 00:18:01,121 - Jenna, that's it. 469 00:18:01,330 --> 00:18:02,915 Nobody will be your maid of honor 470 00:18:03,207 --> 00:18:04,560 because there's only one person who can be. 471 00:18:04,584 --> 00:18:05,876 You. 472 00:18:06,168 --> 00:18:08,337 - What? That's crazy. - Think about it. 473 00:18:08,629 --> 00:18:10,429 There would be nobody to steal your spotlight. 474 00:18:10,631 --> 00:18:13,926 In fact, you would have two spotlights. 475 00:18:14,218 --> 00:18:17,763 - I think the maid of honor should sing at my wedding. 476 00:18:18,055 --> 00:18:19,055 - Sure. 477 00:18:19,181 --> 00:18:20,826 - And she could do a fashion show that takes the audience 478 00:18:20,850 --> 00:18:22,330 all the way through the wedding night. 479 00:18:22,518 --> 00:18:23,954 And what if she came in in a wheelchair, 480 00:18:23,978 --> 00:18:28,274 and then stood up, and everyone applauded and cried? 481 00:18:28,566 --> 00:18:30,943 - I know you doubted me, but now you see my plan could work. 482 00:18:31,235 --> 00:18:33,738 So what do you say? 483 00:18:34,030 --> 00:18:35,406 Are you on board, Liz? 484 00:18:35,698 --> 00:18:36,824 - You just called me Liz! 485 00:18:37,116 --> 00:18:38,552 - Oh, we can fix that in the cutting room. 486 00:18:38,576 --> 00:18:39,869 Uh, Jonathan... 487 00:18:40,161 --> 00:18:42,079 Where's my car? 488 00:18:46,584 --> 00:18:51,005 - Kenneth, I have something I need to tell you. 489 00:18:51,297 --> 00:18:54,008 Last night when you left, Hazel came on to me 490 00:18:54,300 --> 00:18:55,940 'cause she wants me to put her in a movie. 491 00:18:56,093 --> 00:18:57,928 - Hazel, is this true? 492 00:18:58,220 --> 00:19:00,640 - Yeah, it is true. 493 00:19:00,931 --> 00:19:01,931 Not! 494 00:19:02,058 --> 00:19:02,683 What I said was 495 00:19:02,975 --> 00:19:05,686 I would never sleep with Tracy for a part in a movie. 496 00:19:05,978 --> 00:19:08,538 - Oh, please, you would love for me to fall asleep on top of you. 497 00:19:08,773 --> 00:19:10,173 Come on, kenmore washers and dryers, 498 00:19:10,358 --> 00:19:11,859 who you gonna believe here? 499 00:19:12,151 --> 00:19:14,445 - My best friend. - Not really. 500 00:19:14,737 --> 00:19:16,947 - And my girlfriend. - You wish. 501 00:19:17,239 --> 00:19:18,658 - Well, I always believe you, sir, 502 00:19:18,949 --> 00:19:20,493 because you're on television. 503 00:19:20,785 --> 00:19:22,870 - And webisodes. 504 00:19:23,162 --> 00:19:24,890 - But yesterday you told me our women are queens, 505 00:19:24,914 --> 00:19:26,123 and they're always right, 506 00:19:26,415 --> 00:19:29,377 which means I should believe Hazel. 507 00:19:29,669 --> 00:19:31,962 But that would make you wrong, Mr. Jordan. 508 00:19:32,254 --> 00:19:34,590 And you've never been wrong about anything before. 509 00:19:34,882 --> 00:19:36,425 - It's a blessing and a purse. 510 00:19:36,717 --> 00:19:39,845 - You can't both be right. 511 00:19:44,266 --> 00:19:46,394 Unless Hazel is always right. 512 00:19:46,686 --> 00:19:49,480 But only because you said so, Mr. Jordan, 513 00:19:49,772 --> 00:19:52,483 which means you're right too. 514 00:19:52,775 --> 00:19:56,320 And both sides being right is like kissing your sister. 515 00:19:56,612 --> 00:19:59,448 A wonderful treat! 516 00:20:01,200 --> 00:20:02,326 - Bad move, Jordan. 517 00:20:02,618 --> 00:20:04,662 We'll see who's still working here in six months. 518 00:20:04,954 --> 00:20:06,914 - My hearing is bad because of firecrackers, 519 00:20:07,206 --> 00:20:10,209 but we'll see who's still working here in six months. 520 00:20:10,501 --> 00:20:12,670 - That's what I just said. - What? 521 00:20:12,962 --> 00:20:14,046 - Okay, I get it. 522 00:20:14,338 --> 00:20:16,424 Sometimes tanking it is the only option. 523 00:20:16,716 --> 00:20:17,258 - What did you do? 524 00:20:17,550 --> 00:20:20,761 Fake a sprained ankle to get out of that breast health 5k? 525 00:20:21,053 --> 00:20:21,679 - No, I did that. 526 00:20:21,971 --> 00:20:23,806 I forgot my sports bra, so ironically... 527 00:20:24,098 --> 00:20:25,242 - uh, it doesn't matter, Lemon. 528 00:20:25,266 --> 00:20:27,560 I'm just glad that you've seen the light. 529 00:20:27,852 --> 00:20:32,148 Now, help me tank NBC, and you'll be helping yourself. 530 00:20:32,440 --> 00:20:33,440 You'll have it all. 531 00:20:33,691 --> 00:20:35,568 - Jack, it's 9:30 in the morning. 532 00:20:35,860 --> 00:20:38,154 - We're not trying to do a good job here, Lemon. 533 00:20:38,446 --> 00:20:39,446 Now, what do you say? 534 00:20:39,572 --> 00:20:42,783 Are you in? 535 00:20:43,075 --> 00:20:45,745 - Let's take this mother down. 536 00:20:51,000 --> 00:20:52,400 - Next word, "sent." - I don't care. 537 00:20:52,501 --> 00:20:55,004 Okay, "cent" like a penny. Whatever. 538 00:20:55,296 --> 00:20:56,630 - No! Sorry, no. 539 00:20:56,922 --> 00:20:59,633 Oh, it's a homonym double down. 540 00:20:59,925 --> 00:21:01,085 Means you get to guess again. 541 00:21:01,260 --> 00:21:02,260 "Sent." - okay, um... 542 00:21:02,386 --> 00:21:05,973 Then "scent" like a smell or an odor. 543 00:21:06,265 --> 00:21:07,308 - No. It's the third one. 544 00:21:07,600 --> 00:21:08,851 Yourself! 545 00:21:09,143 --> 00:21:10,686 - Next word is "au pere." 546 00:21:10,978 --> 00:21:12,418 - What? There is only one definition. 547 00:21:12,521 --> 00:21:13,881 It's like a nanny, a foreign nanny. 548 00:21:14,148 --> 00:21:14,648 - No! You forgot. 549 00:21:14,940 --> 00:21:17,067 It could also be an exclamation about a fruit, 550 00:21:17,359 --> 00:21:18,611 as in, "oh, pear!" 551 00:21:18,903 --> 00:21:20,446 - What you are doing here is not right! 552 00:21:20,738 --> 00:21:23,199 I'm... I'm leaving.