- Live television?
Who cares?
- Who cares?
Everybody.
We love live TV.
- Do we love it?
Do you really love the overzealous
studio audience who'll applaud at anything?
Here in the greatest
city on earth, New York,
baby what's up?
- Wait, wait
what are you saying Jack,
cause TGS is live.
- Not anymore.
It's financially impractical.
From now on, you write and
shoot the whole season in two weeks
like "wheel of fortune or "fox news".
- No!
I mean, I grew up on live TV.
Friday night in my parents' basement,
a telethon and cheese steak,
I can see it like it was yesterday.
Best prom night ever!
I'm gonna lose my virginity in nine years!
- TGS has to be live or it'll lose
all the excitement and spontaneity.
I mean that's the beauty of live TV.
Anything could happen.
- There's a bathroom in here
you could use, sir Paul McCartney!
- See?
Awesome.
- Yes.
Uh, but my way is cheaper,
and you only have to work
two weeks out of the year.
I want to go to there.
- So it's settled.
Tonight is TGS's final live show.
- What?
No, live television is an American tradition.
You can't just throw it away.
- Sorry Kenneth,
it's a done deal.
- Our last live show?
No!
♪ Welcome to thirty rock live show ♪
♪ on NBC ♪
♪ special unity ♪
♪ for independent lead ♪
♪ did you know ♪
♪ that the thirty rock live show ♪
♪ comes from NYC ♪
♪ five four three two one ♪
♪ never all this fun in a show in america ♪
Liz, there's a rumor that's spreading
around here like wildfire.
But unlike the wildfires I've started,
this one doesn't sexually arouse me.
It's true, Hazel.
Tonight's gonna be our last live show.
But don't worry, it won't affect you.
- Unless my plan all along was to
run on Stage during a sketch and
get discovered by Hollywood!
- Liz, important me announcement,
Paul and I have decided to get married.
- Oh, wow.
- And I told Paul that he should
propose to me tonight on tg... - Absolutely not!
- You didn't let me finish,
s
- Come on, it's our last live show.
- Exactly!
And if Jenna Maroney is getting engaged,
it's gonna be on live TV.
I've been working on my reaction
since I was three.
It's happening, Liz.
- Ms. Lemon!
Mr. Jordan just discovered you can
get pornography on the Internet.
Oh my god!
He's gonna die in there.
What's going on?
- You called a meeting Lemon.
- Actually, I called it.
Gasp!
- Live television is sacred,
and we are not leaving this room
until the twelve of us have
agreed to defend her!
There is a great
American play that was first
written and performed for live television.
It's called, "twelve angry men."
- No.
We are not debating this like a jury.
Shut him down, Jack!
- "Twelve angry men" is preposterous, Kenneth.
Eleven descent Americans are swayed by
Jane Fonda's father?
Open the door.
No!
Look.
- How long do you think
you're gonna get away with this?
Hannah or Jay,
Hazel or Jenna
will know that we're missing.
- Have an amazing show tonight, everyone!
I love you all!
- Tonight's the night, Hazel
I do my surprise cameo.
It goes viral.
I take medicine for it.
Next stop, Hollywood
Florida, to get the car from my mom.
Next stop, California
pizza kitchen to tell my old
boss Nadine to suck it!
Next stop, tinsel town,
because Christmas decorations are
really cheap this time of year.
- Nothing brings our country together
like live television!
And studio 6h is a
part of that tradition.
Why, it was right here that
NBC broadcast the final episode of
the 1950s classic, "the lovebirds."
- It's the kraft product placement comedy hour,
sponsored by kraft singles.
Made with milk,
its the cheese that won world war ll.
Don't ask how.
And now, "the lovebirds,"
starring cubby gilmore and Loretta fields.
I'm home, baby!
And I could eat a horse!
- Don't you dare touch that
bacon 'till it's done, Larry.
Ahhhh oh boy!
- Oh brother,
now I'm cooking a Turkey too.
- That's rich.
One of these days, Doris
I'm gonna take a shotgun and
blam, blow your face off!
- It would still be better
than our honeymoon.
- What was wrong with Niagara Falls?
Your mother found it chilly.
- You're a real cut-up!
In fact, one of these days,
I'm gonna cut you up in pieces and
feed you to the neighbor's dogs!
It'd be the first time
you've taken me out for
dinner in years.
- Ah keep it up, Doris,
and bang, zoom,
I'm gonna drown you in the bathtub and
say a mental patient did it.
Like I always say,
"ah, ah"
- that's a funny thing to say.
This is real,
real heart attack!
- Here, eat the bacon!
It'll lubricate your heart!
- Ride it out!
Ride it to hell!
- Now come on now,
Larry, don't be a sissy.
God!
I'm having a heart attack too!
My marriage is a sham!
My make-up lady is my lover!
- Hello.
I'm Nazi doctor,
Heinrich Spaceman.
I mean doctor.
We can edit that out, right?
Oh, it's live.
Are you a modern housewife
who is in the family way?
Smoke chattertons cigarettes!
Your baby's lungs need
refreshing nicotine for
science reasons.
And his growing bones
need tar to hold them together.
Nine out of 10 doctors surveyed
said, "who is this?"
Why are you calling so late?"
But the 10th guy was into it
♪ Chattertons taste so cool and mild ♪
♪ a treat for you ♪
♪ and your unborn child ♪
Official cigarette of
the U.S. olympic team.
- Jenna!
Remember that package you
made me take to Singapore
last summer?
I just got out of changi prison.
- Oh, thank you,
just portion control and exercise.
Paul!
Did you pick up the ring?
- Liza minnelli's baby tooth
surrounded by rubies that passed through
a terrified Michael kors.
- It'll look amazing on camera.
- Look, I don't want to
propose on TV.
I want it to be private.
- What are you saying, Paul?
- Rick santorum is right.
Marriage is a sacred union
between a man and a woman,
which is why I'm asking you right now,
to make me the luckiest shman - wait
Look, I'm sorry to pull the
biological woman card here,
but according to roe v. Dewayne Wade,
I have a right to choose,
and I choose a televised proposal.
If you can't give me that,
I'm not sure what my
answer will be.
- Are you giving me an ultimatum?
Look, I am the man here, Jenna.
I may have a dress and a wig and a gynecologist, but
I am the man.
- Without live TV,
think of the amazing moments
we would've missed,
the moon landing,
uh the Beatles,
"the voice" results show,
that time Mr. Lutz was an extra,
and he got so nervous, he threw up!
No, don't remind him!
Oh, I had veal.
I had veal with cheese on it.
- And what about Joey Montero's
old variety show?
Why, he was just like you, Mr. Jordan,
because he did not want to rehearse,
and he wanted to get out of there
as soon as possible.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Joey Montero!
♪ Que fachia amo con questo ♪
♪ my love is nowhere in sight ♪
♪ que fachia amo con questo ♪
♪ high as the moon every night ♪
We got a great show for you tonight.
We got a great show.
Oh at least that's what the
Jews I pay told me.
I tell ya,
I feel great.
I slept like a baby last night.
I woke up crying with a
boob in my mouth.
Okay that was the joke stuff!
Oh all right, here comes a lady.
- Hi, Joey.
I'm dusty Springfield.
Sure, let's go with that!
♪ When I said I needed you ♪
- I need you too baby.
♪ You said ♪
♪ you would always stay ♪
- I can see inside your mouth.
♪ It was always me who changed but you ♪
- Are we on a boat?
♪ And now you've gone ♪
♪ away ♪
- That's plenty. Donkey stringbean, everybody.
♪ Don't have to say you love me ♪
♪ just be close at hand ♪
- Where's the gang going tonight fellas?
Jack Dempsey's steakhouse? ♪ Don't have to stay forever ♪
♪ I'll be there to stand ♪ - you're
♪ invited too dingy string bean. ♪
♪ Believe me ♪ - but bring cab fare...
♪ Believe me ♪ - for in the morning
if you know what I'm ea yin'.
♪ I can't help but love you ♪ - oh, I just burped up
clams casino,
which is weird cause
I didn't have any.
Well, hello there glasses.
- Glamour, excitement,
what we, today, would call alcoholism.
(Audience claps live television
had everything!
- Well, not everything.
Where were the black people?
- Actually, Mr. Spurlock,
NBC had the first two
black characters on TV, sort of.
For "Alfie and Abner,"
NBC hired one African-American
and one Caucasian,
because they thought two black
people on the same show
would make the audience nervous.
A rule NBC still uses today.
- Abner!
I'm home from work.
Where are you, my brother?
- Here I is, Alfie.
- Oh hell no!
I'm not doin' this.
- NBC received a lot of complaints
that the show wasn't on often enough.
So they forced Theodore Freeman to
honor his contract.
- I's done stole 'dis catfish!
- Sir, I'm asking you as a
human being to please stop
talking like that.
- I's gone eat it
until I'm belly full.
- This is debasing to the
both of us.
I was a tuskegee airman.
Zippity goo goo!
- You may anger me,
but I believe non-violence is
the path to change.
- I believe you can catch a
rainbow in yo hat!
- I'll kill you,
you ignorant...
Believe it or not,
- they did not stop
doing the show,
which made for tense,
but thrilling live TV.
- Banjo!
- Kenneth, I've frankly lost
track of what you were
trying to convince us of
with these detailed
descriptions of television shows.
Thank you!
- Come on, Kenneth, time's changed.
Television replaced radio;
- cars replaced horses. - Not where
I'm from!
Are you telling me the
mayor of your hometown is a car?
Pretty weird!
- Are you laughing at me?
Okay,
let's all take a little break.
- Hello.
I'm Nazi doctor Leo Spaceman.
I know it's live!
I want people to know.
Did you mother smoke
chattertons cigarettes while pregnant
during the 1950s or '60s?
If she did,
You probably can't hear me
because of fetal chatterton syndrome!
Turn up the volume!
Recent studies have shown that,
while pregnancy is disgusting,
babies do not need tar or nicotine.
If you're currently suffering
from chattertons syndrome,
please use your birdlike claws to
dial the number below.
Then, use the rectum you have,
instead of a mouth, to
say something like,
To signify that you wish to
join a class action suit
against chattertons.
♪ If you have scales instead of skin ♪
♪ pick up the phone ♪
♪ Sue chattertons ♪
- All right, this is idiotic.
We've got a show to do at...
Oh my god, Kenneth!
It's my period.
It's uh gonna blow!
- We both know you're
not due for another nine days.
I'm ashamed of you Ms. Lemon.
Oh think of your hero Rosemary Howard!
She wrote for the edgiest
live variety show of all time,
"the Gruber bother and nipsey."
- Hey nipsey,
what do you get when you
cross a chicken with a hippie?
- I don't know, dicky.
What do you get when
you cross a chicken with a hippie?
- I don't know, but
lbj likes 'em both fried!
- Lay it on me.
- Laying it on me.
Lay it on me.
- Lay it on me.
Now's you go, nipsey!
I'm the first streaker!
- Streaking's the new thing!
We touched penises.
We interrupt this
program to bring you an
NBC news special report.
From Rockefeller center,
Chet Huntley and David Brinkley.
- Good evening, NBC news has
learned that, less than an
hour ago, there was an
explosion aboard the
Apollo thirteen spacecraft.
David.
- Thank you Chet.
Chet.
Thank you, David.
We're awaiting further
information, David.
- Thank you, Chet.
Let's go to the
man's space center in Houston.
And our reporter on
the scene, Mr. Jamie garnett.
Jamie.
- Thank you Chet and David. - I'm sorry, sweetheart,
could you move out the way of
our camera?
We need to talk to our
new reporter, Jamie garnett.
Now, where is he?
- I'm Jamie garnett, gentlemen.
I spoke earlier with
NASA flight director, Glen Lenny.
- Uh listen doll,
you're not making any sense.
You're probably hysterical from menstruation.
Go lie down,
make sure and get plenty of iron,
maybe eat a ham salad.
- I'm being told that
commander James Lovell...
- honey, you have a dynamite
shape, but you're gonna
have to shut up,
and let man tell us what's happening.
Now, is your father or a
policeman nearby?
- Look, where did you find that
microphone, sugar-mouth?
Was it just lying there on the ground?
Where is Jamie garnett?
- This just in,
male NBC news reporter,
Jamie garnett is missing.
- I'm right here, you mother...
Classic, live television!
And while they never
found Jamie garnett,
that woman who stole his microphone
went on to become...
A wife.
- Has Paul not come back?
He's not answering his phone.
What have I done?
- Calm down.
Paul's gone,
but you're getting
proposed to on the show tonight
By me!
This is New York state, bitch!
Anyone can marry anything now,
- What?
- Oh come on,
it's everything you want,
think about what great TV this'll be.
It's what you want.
- No.
It's not what I want.
Paul is everything I want.
He's the reason to get married,
not TV.
Rick santorum was right.
How could I have been so blind?
- Cause you're a horrible person.
Thank you.
Just portion control and
lots of water.
- All in favor of keeping TGS live!
- It's still not unanimous,
and it never will be.
This is a business, Kenneth.
And if live TV went away,
the only thing that would change
would be NBC's profit margin.
- That's not true, jacky d.
- Come on,
it wasn't that dramatic.
- Live TV changed my life.
In 1986, my church dance crews
performed on a regional telethon.
It was my big break.
Flashback.
- This is for you, Jesus!
Oh my coccyx!
- It's not funny!
Coccyx is the scientific
term for your butt bone!
Why are you all laughing?
Oh, I like it!
Coccyx!
You know what this is?
It was a ghetto mating call.
Oh my god!
I remember that!
- That was you?
- That's when I realized
I was a ridiculous man!
- Tracey, I was there.
As a low-level ge employee,
I was answering phones at that telethon.
When you took off your clothes,
they cut to the phone Banks.
Gasp!
I made a hilarious
prank call to that telethon.
- Did the man who answered
the phone sound like he
had the piercing Blue
eyes of an ice dragon?
Yes!
Hello.
I'd like to speak to general electric.
Madam.
I'm afraid you're confused.
- I was a nurse in the war,
and I met him when
he was just a Colonel.
He's the father of my child!
- General electric is not a person.
- Toby, come talk to your father!
- Daddy, it's your son,
Toby electric.
- I can tell by your voice that
you were a very ungainly
teenage girl from
southeastern Pennsylvania.
- Ah ha!
You're burnt!
How ya like me now?
- Young lady,
no one, no one,
jokes down general electric.
And if I ever...
Do you mind?
If I ever
Get my thick, manly
hands on you,
I will roast you alive in
an oven I designed myself,
using two, no three kinds of heat.
I'm a Jack Donaghy, dammit.
Watching you get all
red-faced on TV,
that night I found my calling,
sticking it to the man!
- You know what?
That night changed my life too.
Don Geiss saw my loyalty
slash handsomeness,
and the day, he promoted me
out of poisons and into microwaves.
- Live TV made us all
what we are today.
- Oh no need to take another vote.
TGS is meant to be live.
To make it more profitable,
we just need to do more
sponsored product placement.
- You should do it with the
upcoming Warner brothers movie
"rock of ages," based on the
hit broad way musical,
rocking a theater near you June 15th.
Tom Cruise sings!
- Or I'll just pay you
more or less.
Kenneth, let us out of here!
- Paul didn't come.
I ruined everything.
- Yeah, you blew it.
So I'll just jump out at
some point and les it up with you!
- Okay.
Okay, we're live in
five, four, three, two.
And now,
prince William and prince
Time-traveling fart detectives.
- Ha!
Take that my man!
- Prince, do you smell
something fishy?
- Wait.
Who's that dude?
♪ Zooby zooby zooo ♪
♪ Zooby zooby zoo ♪
♪ zooby zoo ♪
Jenna Maroney,
you're the woman I
wanna grow old with.
Old being an acronym for
oxylaprodexatrin.
A hallucenogenic plant extract
that makes sex terrifying.
I wanna spend the rest of
my life making you happy.
And that's why I'm asking you,
on TV, to marry me.
- Oh Paul.
No, no, a million times no.
Not like this.
I don't wanna get married for publicity.
I wanna get married for you,
and so that you don't
testify against me in court.
- I still don't know what's
going on.
- Classic live TV?
- I slipped.
I slipped and hit my head
in the bathroom.
Who am I?
- You're my boyfriend.
We were just gonna call
some people I went to high school with.
Thanks to Lorne Michaels,
Paul McCartney,
John Hamm, Jimmy Fallon,
Amy poehler,
Fred armisen, Chris Parnell,
will forte, Donald Glover,
Kristen Shaw, Cheyenne Jackson,
Beth McCartney Miller,
SNL crew, I love you!
Thirty rock crew, I love you.
This happened again!
And that happened!
Watch "parks and rec" tonight,
directed by Amy poehler.