1 00:00:04,922 --> 00:00:07,674 - Lemon... What do you think? 2 00:00:07,966 --> 00:00:09,593 "Kidnapped by danger, colon, 3 00:00:09,885 --> 00:00:10,987 "the a very Jessup story, comma, 4 00:00:11,011 --> 00:00:13,091 "brought to you with limited commercial interruptions 5 00:00:13,138 --> 00:00:14,848 "by pride bladder control pads. 6 00:00:15,140 --> 00:00:17,267 Pride: Make every room a bathroom." 7 00:00:17,559 --> 00:00:18,679 - Really, is that the title? 8 00:00:18,936 --> 00:00:20,121 'Cause as the writer, I was thinking 9 00:00:20,145 --> 00:00:21,855 of naming it dancing with Ophelia... 10 00:00:22,147 --> 00:00:23,565 - don't overthink this. 11 00:00:23,857 --> 00:00:24,900 It's a classic love story. 12 00:00:25,192 --> 00:00:25,776 Boy meets girl. 13 00:00:26,068 --> 00:00:27,504 Girl gets kidnapped by Asian dictator. 14 00:00:27,528 --> 00:00:28,808 Boy makes movie to get girl back. 15 00:00:28,987 --> 00:00:30,987 Girl's so grateful she does birthday things to boy. 16 00:00:31,240 --> 00:00:31,949 Boy falls asleep. 17 00:00:32,241 --> 00:00:33,961 - You're forgetting boy meets girl's mother. 18 00:00:34,201 --> 00:00:35,762 They are creepily attracted to each other. 19 00:00:35,786 --> 00:00:37,514 - What does that have to do with Avery and me? 20 00:00:37,538 --> 00:00:39,039 Just stick to the story, Lemon. 21 00:00:39,331 --> 00:00:40,040 Tell it exactly how it happened. 22 00:00:40,332 --> 00:00:42,292 If you get this right, gay men will be dressing up 23 00:00:42,417 --> 00:00:44,962 like Avery for Halloween the next 20 years. 24 00:00:45,254 --> 00:00:47,130 - Okay. 25 00:00:47,422 --> 00:00:49,442 Oh, speaking of Halloween, are you dressing up this year? 26 00:00:49,466 --> 00:00:50,050 - Lemon, it's march. 27 00:00:50,342 --> 00:00:51,569 - 'Cause I'm gonna be mitt rom-mummy. 28 00:00:51,593 --> 00:00:53,011 I call it. You can't steal it. 29 00:00:53,303 --> 00:00:54,614 - Why wouldn't you be mitt-zombie? 30 00:00:54,638 --> 00:00:57,224 - Because I'm an idiot! Oh, come on, Liz. 31 00:00:57,516 --> 00:01:00,644 Think for, like, one second before you buy all that gauze. 32 00:01:04,064 --> 00:01:11,905 ♪ ♪ 33 00:01:21,498 --> 00:01:24,084 - I didn't want to write a song for the film. 34 00:01:24,376 --> 00:01:27,004 I wanted to focus on making the film... 35 00:01:27,296 --> 00:01:29,131 - what film? The Avery TV movie? 36 00:01:29,423 --> 00:01:31,008 - But my Manager, Gary greasy, 37 00:01:31,300 --> 00:01:33,677 harangued me to write a song for the film... 38 00:01:33,969 --> 00:01:36,847 - Oh, no, in her mind, she's already accepting an award 39 00:01:37,139 --> 00:01:38,390 for whatever this is. 40 00:01:38,682 --> 00:01:40,934 - I need to thank my co-writers, Gary greasy 41 00:01:41,226 --> 00:01:43,186 and Jesus, a homeless man I stole the melody from. 42 00:01:43,437 --> 00:01:46,607 We also filmed a video for the song for the film. 43 00:01:46,898 --> 00:01:47,441 Thank you. 44 00:01:47,733 --> 00:01:51,028 ♪ Kidnapped, my heart has been stolen ♪ 45 00:01:51,320 --> 00:01:56,033 ♪ I am kidnapped and I wonder for how long ♪ 46 00:01:56,325 --> 00:01:57,618 ♪ my darling gone so far ♪ 47 00:01:57,909 --> 00:02:00,370 ♪ but not forever more ♪ 48 00:02:00,662 --> 00:02:01,788 ♪ I am kidnapped ♪ 49 00:02:02,080 --> 00:02:03,915 That's awesome. 50 00:02:04,207 --> 00:02:06,543 I didn't even realize your song was the original. 51 00:02:06,835 --> 00:02:07,854 - What are you talking about? 52 00:02:07,878 --> 00:02:09,254 - Weird Al. 53 00:02:09,546 --> 00:02:13,008 - ♪ Knapsack, the zipper is broken ♪ 54 00:02:13,300 --> 00:02:17,054 ♪ on my knapsack and I lost my bakugan ♪ 55 00:02:17,346 --> 00:02:21,433 ♪ trapper keeper, snickers bar, my thermos hit the floor ♪ 56 00:02:21,725 --> 00:02:23,226 ♪ broken knapsack ♪ 57 00:02:23,518 --> 00:02:24,895 - What is that? 58 00:02:25,187 --> 00:02:27,773 - Weird Al Yankovic parodied your song. 59 00:02:28,065 --> 00:02:30,984 Like, Michael Jackson's ea tit or Adele's someone likes food. 60 00:02:31,276 --> 00:02:33,570 It's a huge honor. 61 00:02:33,862 --> 00:02:35,942 Like, when people wanna see your boobs at Mardi Gras. 62 00:02:36,114 --> 00:02:37,114 - It's nothing like that. 63 00:02:37,282 --> 00:02:37,908 I'm calling my lawyer. 64 00:02:38,200 --> 00:02:40,869 Weird Al corrupted something beautiful 65 00:02:41,161 --> 00:02:42,680 that was written to distract Gary greasy 66 00:02:42,704 --> 00:02:48,210 while he came down from meth. 67 00:02:48,502 --> 00:02:50,504 - Hey, Kenneth, nice tux. 68 00:02:50,796 --> 00:02:53,215 - My father wore this to his high school prom. 69 00:02:53,507 --> 00:02:56,510 The theme was enchantment under the Jim crow laws. 70 00:02:56,802 --> 00:02:58,428 - So, what's up? 71 00:02:58,720 --> 00:03:01,723 - Well, as you know, I recently had a minor setback 72 00:03:02,015 --> 00:03:04,810 in my goal to become president of television, 73 00:03:05,102 --> 00:03:07,729 but I'm ready to start over again at the bottom. 74 00:03:08,021 --> 00:03:09,439 - Well, we're not really hiring now. 75 00:03:09,731 --> 00:03:11,358 - I'll do anything. 76 00:03:11,650 --> 00:03:13,050 Except work in the sound department. 77 00:03:13,235 --> 00:03:13,944 Those guys are... 78 00:03:14,236 --> 00:03:15,476 Beautiful geniuses 79 00:03:15,737 --> 00:03:16,279 holes. 80 00:03:16,571 --> 00:03:17,781 - Look, I'm sorry, Kenneth. 81 00:03:18,073 --> 00:03:18,573 It's just the budget's really tight. 82 00:03:18,865 --> 00:03:19,865 - Okay. 83 00:03:20,075 --> 00:03:21,910 But if anything comes up, 84 00:03:22,202 --> 00:03:24,454 put a message in a bottle and throw it in the river. 85 00:03:24,746 --> 00:03:28,834 That's where I go every day to fish for shoes. 86 00:03:29,126 --> 00:03:31,837 Say, Old Janitor, 87 00:03:32,129 --> 00:03:33,889 do you know if they're hiring in maintenance? 88 00:03:34,047 --> 00:03:36,442 - Oh, we're always looking for the next generation of janitors. 89 00:03:36,466 --> 00:03:38,106 Throw your resume away on the fourth floor 90 00:03:38,218 --> 00:03:42,305 and we'll be in touch. 91 00:03:42,597 --> 00:03:44,599 Okay, everyone. 92 00:03:44,891 --> 00:03:46,051 Welcome to the table read for 93 00:03:46,309 --> 00:03:49,354 kidnapped by danger. Ff' the a very Jessup story 94 00:03:49,646 --> 00:03:50,790 brought to you with limited commercial interruptions 95 00:03:50,814 --> 00:03:52,524 by pride pad. 96 00:03:52,816 --> 00:03:54,526 Pride: The world is your toilet. 97 00:03:55,902 --> 00:03:58,530 Written by Elizabeth "diablo" Lemon. 98 00:03:58,822 --> 00:03:59,448 We open on a midtown restaurant. 99 00:03:59,740 --> 00:04:01,825 Jack Donaghy, 50s, big Irish head, 100 00:04:02,117 --> 00:04:03,577 sips drinks with Avery, 30s. 101 00:04:03,869 --> 00:04:05,829 - Avery, do you believe in love at first sight? 102 00:04:06,121 --> 00:04:07,414 - I believe in two things. 103 00:04:07,706 --> 00:04:09,374 Fast money and fast curves. 104 00:04:09,666 --> 00:04:11,066 - We smash cut to a night of passion 105 00:04:11,293 --> 00:04:12,461 in a completely dark room. 106 00:04:12,753 --> 00:04:15,338 Bathing suit areas get a workout. 107 00:04:15,630 --> 00:04:18,008 Interior, hotel room, one month later. 108 00:04:18,300 --> 00:04:19,760 Jack sits on the bed in a tuxedo. 109 00:04:20,051 --> 00:04:20,594 His cell phone rings. 110 00:04:20,886 --> 00:04:21,928 - Jack, where are you? 111 00:04:22,220 --> 00:04:24,723 - We reveal Jack's high school sweetheart, Nancy Donovan, 112 00:04:25,015 --> 00:04:25,599 in bed next to him. 113 00:04:25,891 --> 00:04:28,226 Jack, who's calling ya 114 00:04:28,518 --> 00:04:30,645 at such a wicked late hour? 115 00:04:30,937 --> 00:04:31,563 Ya mother? 116 00:04:31,855 --> 00:04:33,523 - Jack looks around the wedding reception. 117 00:04:33,815 --> 00:04:36,443 Across the way, his friend Liz... Think courteney Cox... 118 00:04:36,735 --> 00:04:38,487 Dances with a handsome pilot... 119 00:04:38,779 --> 00:04:39,797 Think a young Fred Grandy. 120 00:04:39,821 --> 00:04:40,821 Jack turns to Nancy. 121 00:04:40,947 --> 00:04:42,282 - I love you, Nancy. 122 00:04:42,574 --> 00:04:43,742 I want to marry you. 123 00:04:44,034 --> 00:04:44,409 - Stop it, Jack. 124 00:04:44,701 --> 00:04:48,288 Avery's here and she's knocked up. 125 00:04:48,580 --> 00:04:49,580 - Jack looks shocked. 126 00:04:49,831 --> 00:04:51,374 - You gotta do the right thing. 127 00:04:51,666 --> 00:04:52,834 I'll miss you, Jack. 128 00:04:53,126 --> 00:04:56,129 Go Red Sox. 129 00:04:56,421 --> 00:04:57,798 - My character seems so passive. 130 00:04:58,089 --> 00:04:59,549 I mean, what if I were like, 131 00:04:59,841 --> 00:05:02,469 "I need to sleep with you both, one more time to decide." 132 00:05:02,761 --> 00:05:04,113 I don't know, I'm not a writer, but... 133 00:05:04,137 --> 00:05:05,137 Do that. 134 00:05:05,180 --> 00:05:06,180 - Yeah... 135 00:05:06,389 --> 00:05:07,825 - Liz, am I going too big on the accent? 136 00:05:07,849 --> 00:05:09,494 - No, that's how people from Boston sound to me. 137 00:05:09,518 --> 00:05:10,185 - Great. - Lemon. 138 00:05:10,477 --> 00:05:11,686 My office now. 139 00:05:13,438 --> 00:05:14,648 - Hey. 140 00:05:14,940 --> 00:05:15,940 You have amazing skin. 141 00:05:16,066 --> 00:05:17,442 - I'm married to a woman. 142 00:05:17,734 --> 00:05:22,531 - I got four inches of steel that might change your mind. 143 00:05:22,823 --> 00:05:25,700 - Sid, how long will it take to get a cease and desist order 144 00:05:25,992 --> 00:05:27,786 against Weird Al Yankovic? 145 00:05:28,078 --> 00:05:29,538 Oh, that's too bad. 146 00:05:29,830 --> 00:05:32,833 Did they also take away your handgun license? 147 00:05:33,124 --> 00:05:34,584 - Don't do it, J-Mo. 148 00:05:34,876 --> 00:05:36,316 You don't want to mess with Weird Al. 149 00:05:36,461 --> 00:05:37,045 - Oh, please. 150 00:05:37,337 --> 00:05:39,214 I'm not afraid of anyone in show business. 151 00:05:39,506 --> 00:05:41,758 I turned down intercourse with Harvey weinstein 152 00:05:42,050 --> 00:05:44,845 on no less than three occasions... Out of five. 153 00:05:45,136 --> 00:05:46,763 - I'm telling you, just let him do it. 154 00:05:47,055 --> 00:05:48,932 Eminem backed down. Lady gaga backed down. 155 00:05:49,224 --> 00:05:51,726 - Tracy, I'm supposed to perform my song on Fallon tonight. 156 00:05:52,018 --> 00:05:53,728 I can't do that now. It's ruined. 157 00:05:54,020 --> 00:05:56,690 I'll have to write a new song. - Don't you understand? 158 00:05:56,982 --> 00:05:58,275 He's gonna parody you again. 159 00:05:58,567 --> 00:06:01,111 That's what he does. That's all he does. 160 00:06:01,403 --> 00:06:02,904 You can't stop him. 161 00:06:03,196 --> 00:06:07,450 - Unless, I write a song that can't be parodied. 162 00:06:07,742 --> 00:06:08,742 - Impossible. 163 00:06:08,827 --> 00:06:09,887 What do you think Phil Collins 164 00:06:09,911 --> 00:06:11,663 was trying to do with sussudio? 165 00:06:11,955 --> 00:06:14,708 - Which Weird Al famously parodied as soup soupy-o. 166 00:06:15,000 --> 00:06:17,669 I'm not saying it'll be easy, but if anyone in the world 167 00:06:17,961 --> 00:06:20,171 is talented enough to pull it off... 168 00:06:20,463 --> 00:06:21,047 - I'll make coffee. 169 00:06:21,339 --> 00:06:22,549 You also make coffee. 170 00:06:22,841 --> 00:06:24,885 After the coffee contest, we'll start working. 171 00:06:25,176 --> 00:06:26,636 - Yeah. - Really, Lemon? 172 00:06:26,928 --> 00:06:29,598 You had to include Nancy Donovan in your screenplay? 173 00:06:29,890 --> 00:06:31,826 - You told me to write it exactly how it happened. 174 00:06:31,850 --> 00:06:32,475 - That's not how it happened. 175 00:06:32,767 --> 00:06:34,561 You took the facts and you twisted them 176 00:06:34,853 --> 00:06:37,772 like chubby checker took the traditional standing dance 177 00:06:38,064 --> 00:06:39,774 and made a mockery of it with "the twist". 178 00:06:40,066 --> 00:06:40,692 This is a love story, Lemon. 179 00:06:40,984 --> 00:06:44,321 You clearly have no idea how to write romance. 180 00:06:44,613 --> 00:06:45,965 - Hey, you wouldn't say that if you read 181 00:06:45,989 --> 00:06:47,532 my Mythbusters fan fiction. 182 00:06:47,824 --> 00:06:49,326 It is sexy. 183 00:06:49,618 --> 00:06:52,412 And you're welcome for not twisting any more facts. 184 00:06:52,704 --> 00:06:53,931 Like the fact that Nancy got divorced for you 185 00:06:53,955 --> 00:06:57,334 with no idea that you'd already gotten another woman pregnant. 186 00:06:57,626 --> 00:06:59,346 And when Avery abandoned you for her career, 187 00:06:59,586 --> 00:07:01,630 you told her to go. 188 00:07:01,922 --> 00:07:04,090 - Jack, we need to talk. 189 00:07:04,382 --> 00:07:05,401 - Now there's this hot slut. 190 00:07:05,425 --> 00:07:06,635 Hi, I'm Liz. 191 00:07:06,927 --> 00:07:08,136 I work for Jack. 192 00:07:08,428 --> 00:07:09,428 - Diana Jessup. 193 00:07:09,679 --> 00:07:11,240 And I'm glad to see the endgame of feminism 194 00:07:11,264 --> 00:07:14,309 is women dressing like Dennis the menace at work. 195 00:07:14,601 --> 00:07:15,881 - Diana, I wasn't expecting you. 196 00:07:15,936 --> 00:07:18,396 - It has come to my attention that a television movie 197 00:07:18,688 --> 00:07:20,357 is being made about my daughter. 198 00:07:20,649 --> 00:07:21,889 - I knew you would not approve. 199 00:07:22,025 --> 00:07:23,044 - Because it's crass, Jack. 200 00:07:23,068 --> 00:07:26,613 Like personalized wedding vows or standing up in a pool. 201 00:07:26,905 --> 00:07:28,365 And to hear about it the way I did. 202 00:07:28,657 --> 00:07:31,618 My housekeeper started screaming. 203 00:07:45,924 --> 00:07:48,205 - I should have called, but I thought it would be awkward. 204 00:07:48,468 --> 00:07:50,512 I... I mean I thought you would disapprove. 205 00:07:50,804 --> 00:07:52,973 Not that there's anything awkward between us. 206 00:07:53,264 --> 00:07:55,767 - Of course there's no other reason it would be awkward. 207 00:07:56,059 --> 00:07:57,659 And I didn't dream that I was a sex slave 208 00:07:57,936 --> 00:07:59,376 to a squid-like alien with your head. 209 00:07:59,604 --> 00:08:02,023 Jack, if this TV movie will help, 210 00:08:02,315 --> 00:08:03,709 then I won't stand in the way of it. 211 00:08:03,733 --> 00:08:05,318 But I am gonna stay here and make sure 212 00:08:05,610 --> 00:08:06,820 the Jessup name is not soiled. 213 00:08:07,112 --> 00:08:08,613 - Of course, I'd love to have you. 214 00:08:08,905 --> 00:08:11,950 Uh, I mean, as a guest, not, uh, under a waterfall. 215 00:08:12,242 --> 00:08:15,328 - I'm gonna go freshen up. The train was disgusting. 216 00:08:15,620 --> 00:08:19,624 I flew here, but I saw a train from the window. 217 00:08:21,710 --> 00:08:23,253 - What are you doing? Leave. 218 00:08:23,545 --> 00:08:25,905 - No. This is weird and I am not letting it get any weirder. 219 00:08:25,964 --> 00:08:28,049 All my life, I have been the third wheel 220 00:08:28,341 --> 00:08:31,511 that prevents people from having sex. 221 00:08:31,803 --> 00:08:33,596 - Well, movie's over Lizzie. 222 00:08:33,888 --> 00:08:35,348 Why don't you head on up to bed? 223 00:08:35,640 --> 00:08:37,559 - Are you kidding? It's your anniversary. 224 00:08:37,851 --> 00:08:38,351 We're celebrating! 225 00:08:38,643 --> 00:08:41,604 Let's get these scabs off my knee. 226 00:08:41,896 --> 00:08:43,690 - In college, they called me "the blocker". 227 00:08:43,982 --> 00:08:45,567 - I don't need a chaperone. 228 00:08:45,859 --> 00:08:47,003 - I'm sorry, but you're stressed and you're lonely 229 00:08:47,027 --> 00:08:48,570 and that woman has flawless skin, 230 00:08:48,862 --> 00:08:50,363 like an organic chicken. 231 00:08:50,655 --> 00:08:52,323 I haven't had lunch. 232 00:08:52,615 --> 00:08:54,617 - Oh, you're still here. 233 00:08:54,909 --> 00:08:57,245 - That's what they all say. 234 00:09:00,957 --> 00:09:03,918 - Mr. Gorski, I know I may appear overqualified, 235 00:09:04,210 --> 00:09:06,921 but I don't think there are any small jobs, 236 00:09:07,213 --> 00:09:09,215 only small people, 237 00:09:09,507 --> 00:09:12,719 like children, or a giant who's very far away from you. 238 00:09:13,011 --> 00:09:16,890 All I want is an opportunity, sir, to once again work 239 00:09:17,182 --> 00:09:19,893 for the greatest company that has ever existed 240 00:09:20,185 --> 00:09:22,937 since the creation of earth 800 years ago. 241 00:09:23,229 --> 00:09:28,234 ♪ I love this ♪ 242 00:09:28,526 --> 00:09:31,696 - This is everything that Jenna will be wearing in the movie, 243 00:09:31,988 --> 00:09:33,782 but of course, Jenna isn't as slender-hipped 244 00:09:34,074 --> 00:09:35,825 as Avery or, uh, you. 245 00:09:36,117 --> 00:09:39,079 - Jessup women have terrible osteoporosis in later years. 246 00:09:39,370 --> 00:09:41,289 - You must crumble like Greek statues. 247 00:09:41,581 --> 00:09:42,832 - You guys like factoids? 248 00:09:43,124 --> 00:09:44,124 Check this out. 249 00:09:44,250 --> 00:09:46,753 One in four Americans has an std. 250 00:09:47,045 --> 00:09:49,839 Chlamydia, herpes, garden variety genital swelling... 251 00:09:50,131 --> 00:09:52,092 - That's quite enough, Lemon. - Rectal fissures. 252 00:09:52,383 --> 00:09:54,052 - Lemon, a word. 253 00:09:54,344 --> 00:09:56,721 Actor time-out. 254 00:09:57,013 --> 00:09:58,824 Just wanted everyone to know that I'll be method acting; 255 00:09:58,848 --> 00:10:00,266 staying in character at all times. 256 00:10:00,558 --> 00:10:01,878 It's a technique that was invented 257 00:10:01,935 --> 00:10:03,478 by Constantin Stanislavski 258 00:10:03,770 --> 00:10:04,854 when he was four years old 259 00:10:05,146 --> 00:10:06,439 and wanted to act like a pirate. 260 00:10:06,731 --> 00:10:08,817 - Uh, this is Lance Drake Mandrell. 261 00:10:09,109 --> 00:10:09,734 He'll be playing me in the movie. 262 00:10:10,026 --> 00:10:11,820 - I'll be... Becoming you. - Easy, chief. 263 00:10:12,112 --> 00:10:14,697 Lance, this is Diana Jessup, Avery's mother. 264 00:10:14,989 --> 00:10:17,742 - Diana, are you a time-traveler? 265 00:10:18,034 --> 00:10:19,053 Because I don't know how my mother-in-law 266 00:10:19,077 --> 00:10:21,162 could be younger than my wife. 267 00:10:21,454 --> 00:10:23,054 - Was that supposed to be me saying that? 268 00:10:23,206 --> 00:10:24,766 Because I would never use that much math 269 00:10:24,833 --> 00:10:25,833 in complimenting a woman. 270 00:10:26,084 --> 00:10:27,502 Their brains can't handle it. 271 00:10:27,794 --> 00:10:28,378 It's evolution. 272 00:10:28,670 --> 00:10:30,004 - That's exactly the kind 273 00:10:30,296 --> 00:10:31,506 of stuff I need to know. 274 00:10:31,798 --> 00:10:33,383 Hey, quick question, Jack. 275 00:10:33,675 --> 00:10:35,885 Our underwear, is it regular black bikini cut? 276 00:10:36,177 --> 00:10:37,977 Or is it silk boxers with tweety bird on them? 277 00:10:38,263 --> 00:10:39,263 Because I have both. 278 00:10:39,430 --> 00:10:40,470 - I think you and I should 279 00:10:40,557 --> 00:10:42,851 have a meeting with wardrobe. 280 00:10:43,143 --> 00:10:46,646 - The resemblance is quite striking, don't you think? 281 00:10:46,938 --> 00:10:51,776 The fighter pilot wrists, the hair like a mature otter's pelt, 282 00:10:52,068 --> 00:10:53,903 shoulders you could ride bareback. 283 00:10:54,195 --> 00:10:56,906 - I'm sure you don't wanna hear this, 284 00:10:57,198 --> 00:11:01,661 but every woman here would love to slip it to your son-in-law. 285 00:11:01,953 --> 00:11:03,163 - Slip what? - Whatever. 286 00:11:03,454 --> 00:11:04,454 Drill him against a wall. 287 00:11:04,664 --> 00:11:06,332 The point is, that would be wrong, 288 00:11:06,624 --> 00:11:08,751 because we all work for Jack. 289 00:11:09,043 --> 00:11:11,546 But boy, I'll tell you that Lance Drake Mandrell 290 00:11:11,838 --> 00:11:13,131 seems like the next best thing. 291 00:11:13,423 --> 00:11:16,801 Wouldn't mind giving him the old skin flute. 292 00:11:17,093 --> 00:11:19,762 - Interesting. 293 00:11:22,182 --> 00:11:23,725 - Okay, how about this? 294 00:11:24,017 --> 00:11:26,186 ♪ Don't say good-bye... - Are you kidding me? 295 00:11:26,477 --> 00:11:29,814 Don't eat that pie, don't eat my fries, don't wear that tie, 296 00:11:30,106 --> 00:11:31,106 don't smell that guy. 297 00:11:31,191 --> 00:11:32,942 We got to be better than this. 298 00:11:33,234 --> 00:11:34,819 - All right. 299 00:11:35,111 --> 00:11:37,071 ♪ These lonely eyes... 300 00:11:37,363 --> 00:11:39,365 - I'm sorry, did you just say Baloney thighs? 301 00:11:39,657 --> 00:11:41,910 Because that's the name of the boat Weird Al's gonna buy 302 00:11:42,202 --> 00:11:44,704 with the money he makes off you... Dumb bitch! 303 00:11:44,996 --> 00:11:46,581 I'm sorry. I just care too much. 304 00:11:46,873 --> 00:11:48,767 - We might as well just write a song about pizza, 305 00:11:48,791 --> 00:11:51,169 because at the end of the day, that's what it's gonna be. 306 00:11:51,461 --> 00:11:52,754 Oh, my god. 307 00:11:53,046 --> 00:11:54,464 If we did that, he'd be powerless. 308 00:11:54,756 --> 00:11:57,091 There's nothing you can change pizza to. 309 00:11:57,383 --> 00:11:59,636 - Because it's already weird. - Exactly. 310 00:11:59,928 --> 00:12:04,599 Weird Al's about to get a taste of his own medicine. 311 00:12:05,016 --> 00:12:07,936 - I'm Jack Donaghy. 312 00:12:08,228 --> 00:12:11,814 I am Jack Donaghy. 313 00:12:13,733 --> 00:12:14,776 Oh, god. 314 00:12:15,068 --> 00:12:18,613 This ice tea is so strong. 315 00:12:18,905 --> 00:12:20,615 Lance. 316 00:12:20,907 --> 00:12:21,907 I mean, Jack. 317 00:12:22,075 --> 00:12:22,784 - What do you need, Diana? 318 00:12:23,076 --> 00:12:24,410 I'm very busy right now. 319 00:12:24,702 --> 00:12:26,996 I've got to get to the bottom of this business case. 320 00:12:27,288 --> 00:12:29,832 - I wonder if you might say something negative 321 00:12:30,124 --> 00:12:31,376 about Obama for me. 322 00:12:31,668 --> 00:12:34,796 - "Hope"? 323 00:12:35,088 --> 00:12:36,088 More like "nope". 324 00:12:36,256 --> 00:12:39,550 - And what is your opinion on hybrid cars? 325 00:12:39,842 --> 00:12:41,970 - Prius is the Latin word for impotence. 326 00:12:42,262 --> 00:12:44,347 Rose wine? 327 00:12:44,639 --> 00:12:46,557 - Pairs well with failed suicide. 328 00:12:46,849 --> 00:12:47,934 - Oh! 329 00:12:48,226 --> 00:12:51,229 - Oh, you know, hey, this has been great practice, 330 00:12:51,521 --> 00:12:53,040 but I'm late for a tooth-whitening appointment 331 00:12:53,064 --> 00:12:54,464 and they just freak out if you don't 332 00:12:54,649 --> 00:12:56,526 give them 24 hours... - No, no, no, no. 333 00:12:56,818 --> 00:12:57,527 Stay in character. 334 00:12:57,819 --> 00:12:58,945 - There hasn't been a good 335 00:12:59,237 --> 00:13:02,782 non-boat painting in 5,000 years. 336 00:13:05,326 --> 00:13:09,163 - Sometimes to prevent monkey business, we must create it. 337 00:13:09,455 --> 00:13:10,707 The blocker. 338 00:13:15,253 --> 00:13:16,546 - What do you want, Lemon? 339 00:13:16,838 --> 00:13:19,132 I've gotta get to the bottom of this business case. 340 00:13:19,424 --> 00:13:21,068 - Ugh, do you really have to be here, Lance? 341 00:13:21,092 --> 00:13:23,153 I'm trying to find a quiet place to finish this rewrite. 342 00:13:23,177 --> 00:13:24,595 - How is that rewrite coming? 343 00:13:24,887 --> 00:13:26,167 Maybe Jack should go to the gym. 344 00:13:26,222 --> 00:13:28,933 You know, the actor playing him can do four boy pull-ups. 345 00:13:29,225 --> 00:13:31,519 - Actually, Jack, the rewrite is not going great 346 00:13:31,811 --> 00:13:33,163 because I'm the only person willing to admit 347 00:13:33,187 --> 00:13:35,398 how messed up this situation is. 348 00:13:35,690 --> 00:13:37,483 - Sounds like you need some advice. 349 00:13:37,775 --> 00:13:39,110 Ronald Reagan use to say... 350 00:13:39,402 --> 00:13:39,902 - stop right there, Lance. 351 00:13:40,194 --> 00:13:41,594 Only Nancy used Reagan's first name. 352 00:13:41,863 --> 00:13:43,489 And only during bath time. 353 00:13:43,781 --> 00:13:45,759 - You've got a long way to go before you're Jack Donaghy, 354 00:13:45,783 --> 00:13:47,952 but, my god, you do have amazing eyes. 355 00:13:48,244 --> 00:13:49,244 - Thank you. 356 00:13:49,329 --> 00:13:50,747 - Oh, hello Jack. 357 00:13:51,039 --> 00:13:53,416 Both: Hello, Diana. 358 00:13:53,708 --> 00:13:55,710 - You can deal with Liz, Jack. 359 00:13:56,002 --> 00:13:57,170 I was on my way out anyway. 360 00:13:57,462 --> 00:13:58,742 - Wait, where are you two going? 361 00:13:58,838 --> 00:14:00,048 - Out for a drink. 362 00:14:00,340 --> 00:14:01,632 - Stop acting like me. 363 00:14:01,924 --> 00:14:03,027 - How is taking your mother-in-law 364 00:14:03,051 --> 00:14:05,595 out on a date acting like you? 365 00:14:06,763 --> 00:14:09,390 - Uh, it's not, obviously. 366 00:14:09,682 --> 00:14:11,225 Uh, you two go and have a good time. 367 00:14:11,517 --> 00:14:12,517 - We will. 368 00:14:12,769 --> 00:14:13,996 It's impossible not to have a great time 369 00:14:14,020 --> 00:14:15,897 at planet Hollywood. 370 00:14:27,075 --> 00:14:28,075 - Ice tea. 371 00:14:33,498 --> 00:14:36,667 - Jack, there's a reason I can't write this the way you want it. 372 00:14:36,959 --> 00:14:39,879 I don't care if it's Nancy or Diana or your insistence 373 00:14:40,171 --> 00:14:42,251 that the Jack character have an awesome catch-phrase. 374 00:14:42,423 --> 00:14:44,258 - An idea that's off the charts, kemosabe. 375 00:14:44,550 --> 00:14:45,830 - You're living in a dream world. 376 00:14:45,927 --> 00:14:47,738 - Apparently because I thought you were a writer. 377 00:14:47,762 --> 00:14:48,471 - Hey, I'm trying to help you. 378 00:14:48,763 --> 00:14:51,265 Who do you think got Diana and Lance together? 379 00:14:51,557 --> 00:14:52,557 - The blocker? 380 00:14:52,809 --> 00:14:53,869 - But of course that doesn't bother you, right? 381 00:14:53,893 --> 00:14:54,560 Because there's nothing going on 382 00:14:54,852 --> 00:14:55,561 between you and Diana, 383 00:14:55,853 --> 00:14:58,022 and your relationship with Avery was perfect, 384 00:14:58,314 --> 00:14:59,994 and the only problem is that I can't write. 385 00:15:00,066 --> 00:15:01,567 - That pretty much sums it up. 386 00:15:01,859 --> 00:15:03,236 You're fired, Lemon. 387 00:15:03,528 --> 00:15:04,237 I'll write this thing myself. 388 00:15:04,529 --> 00:15:08,533 - Fine, but you are in denial about your life. 389 00:15:13,329 --> 00:15:14,914 That's not a way out. 390 00:15:21,963 --> 00:15:24,841 - Hey, guys, it's me. 391 00:15:28,594 --> 00:15:31,848 Oh, my sandwich from yesterday. 392 00:15:34,934 --> 00:15:37,520 I hate to waste food, but I'll probably get 393 00:15:37,812 --> 00:15:40,314 free executive sandwiches like this forever. 394 00:15:40,606 --> 00:15:44,026 Nothing can stop me now. 395 00:15:47,029 --> 00:15:48,281 It's okay. 396 00:15:48,573 --> 00:15:49,573 I'm doing great. 397 00:15:49,824 --> 00:15:52,118 Everything's gonna work out. 398 00:15:52,410 --> 00:15:53,411 - Hang on, kid! 399 00:15:53,703 --> 00:15:56,747 We pool our tips. 400 00:16:08,426 --> 00:16:10,303 - Now, here to sing her original song 401 00:16:10,595 --> 00:16:12,305 from the upcoming NBC television event 402 00:16:12,597 --> 00:16:17,602 kidnapped by danger, the very talented Jenna Maroney. 403 00:16:20,480 --> 00:16:22,899 - ♪ I eat pizza, I eat cheese ♪ 404 00:16:23,191 --> 00:16:25,443 ♪ I eat lots of broccolis ♪ 405 00:16:25,735 --> 00:16:27,778 ♪ I eat ice cream way too fast ♪ 406 00:16:28,070 --> 00:16:30,531 ♪ burritos always give me gas ♪ 407 00:16:30,823 --> 00:16:33,242 ♪ fart so loud, fart so loud ♪ 408 00:16:33,534 --> 00:16:34,827 ♪ yum-yums make me fart so loud ♪ 409 00:16:35,119 --> 00:16:36,621 - Kingslayer! 410 00:16:36,913 --> 00:16:39,207 - I've never been kissed like that, Jack. 411 00:16:39,499 --> 00:16:41,209 - It's because we're so in love, Avery. 412 00:16:41,501 --> 00:16:43,503 That's why we're perfect, Avery. 413 00:16:43,794 --> 00:16:46,172 - Make love to me... Now. 414 00:16:46,464 --> 00:16:47,965 This is garbage. 415 00:16:49,675 --> 00:16:52,386 - Oh, Mr. Subhas, your wife is on the phone. 416 00:16:52,678 --> 00:16:53,697 She's making dinner and she wants to know 417 00:16:53,721 --> 00:16:56,933 if you found any prosciutto today. 418 00:16:57,225 --> 00:16:59,435 - Why are you dressed like a janitor? 419 00:16:59,727 --> 00:17:02,313 - It's my new job. - But you just got promoted. 420 00:17:02,605 --> 00:17:03,624 - Well, I've had a few setbacks, 421 00:17:03,648 --> 00:17:06,150 but only a quitter quits, sir. 422 00:17:06,442 --> 00:17:07,652 So, here I am. 423 00:17:07,944 --> 00:17:10,363 Starting back up the ladder to my dreams. 424 00:17:10,655 --> 00:17:12,198 My career dreams. 425 00:17:12,490 --> 00:17:14,617 Not the dream where those two tennis sisters chase me. 426 00:17:14,909 --> 00:17:16,410 - You really are an extraordinary 427 00:17:16,702 --> 00:17:17,870 young man, Kenneth. 428 00:17:18,162 --> 00:17:20,140 No matter what happens, you always keep your chin up. 429 00:17:20,164 --> 00:17:21,582 - Medically, it's a neck Ridge. 430 00:17:21,874 --> 00:17:23,334 - I mean, look at you. 431 00:17:23,626 --> 00:17:24,811 You're not just back where you started, 432 00:17:24,835 --> 00:17:26,337 you're doing worse. 433 00:17:26,629 --> 00:17:28,798 And even if other people say to you, 434 00:17:29,090 --> 00:17:30,383 "your life is a mess. 435 00:17:30,675 --> 00:17:31,860 Stop looking at your mother-in-law. 436 00:17:31,884 --> 00:17:33,010 I can't write your movie," 437 00:17:33,302 --> 00:17:34,428 you stay positive. 438 00:17:34,720 --> 00:17:38,182 You always believe that everything is going to work out. 439 00:17:38,474 --> 00:17:39,058 How do you do it? 440 00:17:39,350 --> 00:17:42,895 - Well, I'll tell you my secret, sir. 441 00:17:43,187 --> 00:17:44,855 I lie to myself. 442 00:17:45,147 --> 00:17:48,317 Every morning, when I wake up, I say, 443 00:17:48,609 --> 00:17:50,444 "everything's gonna be okay." 444 00:17:50,736 --> 00:17:52,572 But I'm lying. 445 00:17:52,863 --> 00:17:56,534 And I don't know how much longer I can do it. 446 00:17:59,579 --> 00:18:02,540 Have a swell night, sir. 447 00:18:06,544 --> 00:18:08,254 - Let me guess, you're all watching 448 00:18:08,546 --> 00:18:10,506 my triumph on Fallon last night? 449 00:18:10,798 --> 00:18:14,885 - No, you gotta see this. 450 00:18:15,177 --> 00:18:17,805 - ♪ Daddy's fightin' overseas ♪ 451 00:18:18,097 --> 00:18:20,433 ♪ lord, keep him safe for mommy, please ♪ 452 00:18:20,725 --> 00:18:23,269 ♪ can't make up for time that's passed ♪ 453 00:18:23,561 --> 00:18:25,771 ♪ but now he's coming home at last ♪ 454 00:18:26,063 --> 00:18:27,440 ♪ heart so proud ♪ 455 00:18:27,732 --> 00:18:28,983 ♪ heart so proud ♪ 456 00:18:29,275 --> 00:18:32,194 ♪ daddy make my heart so proud ♪ 457 00:18:32,486 --> 00:18:34,905 - Yankovic! He reversed the parody. 458 00:18:35,197 --> 00:18:37,491 He normal Al'd us. I feel so... 459 00:18:37,783 --> 00:18:40,661 - honored? 460 00:18:40,953 --> 00:18:42,593 - I've gotta go call my dad and thank him. 461 00:18:42,747 --> 00:18:44,387 You know he was stationed at Pearl harbor? 462 00:18:44,582 --> 00:18:47,585 During the Korean war? 463 00:18:47,877 --> 00:18:50,713 - Well, congratulations, Lemon. 464 00:18:51,005 --> 00:18:52,005 You were right. 465 00:18:52,256 --> 00:18:52,923 I've been lying to myself. 466 00:18:53,215 --> 00:18:55,259 Maybe my whole marriage to Avery was a lie. 467 00:18:55,551 --> 00:18:57,470 - Whoa, no, that's not what I was saying. 468 00:18:57,762 --> 00:18:59,263 Everyone lies to themselves. 469 00:18:59,555 --> 00:19:01,307 I mean, I refuse to buy larger underwear, 470 00:19:01,599 --> 00:19:03,759 and it looks like when you tie a string around a roast. 471 00:19:04,018 --> 00:19:06,479 Okay, so we agree. Things are complicated. 472 00:19:06,771 --> 00:19:08,457 But that doesn't mean you can't figure it all out. 473 00:19:08,481 --> 00:19:10,524 You just have to get Avery home first. 474 00:19:10,816 --> 00:19:13,486 - How? Lemon... 475 00:19:13,778 --> 00:19:15,446 We can't make this movie. - Yes, we can. 476 00:19:15,738 --> 00:19:18,240 We just have to do what you've been doing all along. 477 00:19:18,532 --> 00:19:20,576 Lie... to everybody. 478 00:19:24,246 --> 00:19:26,749 - I'll never let you capture my wife from here, 479 00:19:27,041 --> 00:19:29,585 on the top of the empire state building! 480 00:19:30,795 --> 00:19:34,715 - Korean freeze Ray! - Jack! 481 00:19:35,007 --> 00:19:36,509 - Nothing can keep us apart! 482 00:19:36,801 --> 00:19:41,305 Our love is off the charts, kemosabe. 483 00:19:41,597 --> 00:19:44,350 - ♪ I am kidnapped ♪ 484 00:19:44,642 --> 00:19:47,186 Cut! All right. 485 00:19:47,478 --> 00:19:49,063 It's a wrap. 486 00:19:49,355 --> 00:19:50,499 All right, now let's hurry up and edit this thing. 487 00:19:50,523 --> 00:19:51,524 It's on in two days. 488 00:19:51,816 --> 00:19:53,275 - Seriously, man. 489 00:19:53,567 --> 00:19:56,445 Call me. I wanna board with you at big bear, all right? 490 00:19:56,737 --> 00:19:58,864 - Lance, I wanna thank you for you professionalism 491 00:19:59,156 --> 00:20:00,491 on this project. 492 00:20:00,783 --> 00:20:01,783 - Thanks, Jack. 493 00:20:01,909 --> 00:20:03,369 If it weren't for this gig, 494 00:20:03,661 --> 00:20:04,846 I never would have hooked up with Diana. 495 00:20:04,870 --> 00:20:06,430 I'm not one to tell tales out of school, 496 00:20:06,497 --> 00:20:09,291 but she's a real hotshot at boinking. 497 00:20:09,583 --> 00:20:11,210 She boinks like a dog. 498 00:20:11,502 --> 00:20:12,502 I'm not a writer. 499 00:20:12,670 --> 00:20:14,213 She made me boink her this morning 500 00:20:14,505 --> 00:20:15,985 and at first, I was like, "please..." 501 00:20:16,257 --> 00:20:17,383 - I get it, Lance. 502 00:20:17,675 --> 00:20:18,134 Uh, thank you. 503 00:20:18,426 --> 00:20:19,719 - Wow, it's just good to be, uh, 504 00:20:20,010 --> 00:20:21,512 Lance Drake Mandrell again. 505 00:20:21,804 --> 00:20:23,305 Get back to doing the things I love, 506 00:20:23,597 --> 00:20:27,518 like getting high and going to the planetarium. 507 00:20:27,810 --> 00:20:29,311 - So, thank you, Jack. 508 00:20:29,603 --> 00:20:31,283 Hopefully, the next time we see each other, 509 00:20:31,522 --> 00:20:34,442 Avery will be home. 510 00:20:37,611 --> 00:20:38,691 - It'll all work out, Jack. 511 00:20:38,738 --> 00:20:39,738 - Thanks, Lemon. 512 00:20:39,864 --> 00:20:42,992 And, uh, thank the blocker for me. 513 00:20:43,284 --> 00:20:44,404 - Hey, when this movie airs, 514 00:20:44,493 --> 00:20:46,680 can my name be the first credit that comes up at the end? 515 00:20:46,704 --> 00:20:48,247 - This is a group process, Lemon. 516 00:20:48,539 --> 00:20:50,499 Don't be an egomaniac. 517 00:20:56,630 --> 00:20:57,630 - ♪ That's right ♪ 518 00:20:57,673 --> 00:20:58,841 ♪ the program is over ♪ 519 00:20:59,133 --> 00:21:00,360 ♪ so now you can talk trash about it ♪ 520 00:21:00,384 --> 00:21:01,427 ♪ and vent your rage ♪ 521 00:21:01,719 --> 00:21:03,471 ♪ on your Twitter and Facebook page ♪ 522 00:21:03,763 --> 00:21:06,182 ♪ won't you join us again next week ♪ 523 00:21:06,474 --> 00:21:10,394 ♪ at 30 Rockefeller Plaza, NYC, where the ratings are... ♪ 524 00:21:10,686 --> 00:21:11,771 ♪ Awesome ♪ 525 00:21:12,062 --> 00:21:13,397 ♪ remarkably somehow ♪ 526 00:21:13,689 --> 00:21:15,775 ♪ we're still on the air ♪ 527 00:21:16,066 --> 00:21:18,694 ♪ we'll just keep doing this whether ♪ 528 00:21:18,986 --> 00:21:19,487 ♪ you like it or not ♪ 529 00:21:19,779 --> 00:21:21,030 ♪ we really do love our fans ♪ 530 00:21:21,322 --> 00:21:23,365 ♪ yes, both of you ♪