1
00:00:05,339 --> 00:00:07,007
- Liz, there's someone
in the apartment.
2
00:00:08,634 --> 00:00:11,637
- ♪ Someone who
thinks you're special ♪
3
00:00:11,929 --> 00:00:15,140
♪ in every single way ♪
4
00:00:15,432 --> 00:00:18,393
♪ I wrote this
song to wish you ♪
5
00:00:18,685 --> 00:00:22,272
♪ a happy Valentine's day ♪
6
00:00:22,564 --> 00:00:23,899
♪ and the chorus goes here ♪
7
00:00:24,191 --> 00:00:25,627
♪ yeah this is where
the chorus goes ♪
8
00:00:25,651 --> 00:00:28,820
- Criss, I...
9
00:00:29,112 --> 00:00:30,906
- ♪ I didn't have
time to write it ♪
10
00:00:31,198 --> 00:00:34,535
♪ but the chorus goes here ♪
11
00:00:34,826 --> 00:00:36,662
♪ yeah! This is the chorus ♪
12
00:00:36,954 --> 00:00:37,994
- Criss! Criss, it's okay.
13
00:00:38,205 --> 00:00:39,706
I really don't care
about Valentine's.
14
00:00:39,998 --> 00:00:41,416
- But you're a lady.
15
00:00:41,708 --> 00:00:42,708
Right?
16
00:00:42,751 --> 00:00:44,711
Why haven't I seen
pictures of you as a baby?
17
00:00:45,003 --> 00:00:46,940
- You know what I like to
celebrate on February 14th?
18
00:00:46,964 --> 00:00:49,716
The 1920 founding of the
league of women voters
19
00:00:50,008 --> 00:00:51,343
in Chicago, Illinois.
20
00:00:51,635 --> 00:00:53,279
Interesting fact: They
were supposed to meet
21
00:00:53,303 --> 00:00:55,889
on the 13th, but
they all got lost, so...
22
00:00:56,181 --> 00:00:57,891
- but Valentine's
day is fun, Liz.
23
00:00:58,183 --> 00:00:59,643
I wrote you a song,
24
00:00:59,935 --> 00:01:03,480
I found you an awesome
clip on YouTube.
25
00:01:03,772 --> 00:01:04,812
- Good morning, everybody.
26
00:01:05,065 --> 00:01:06,334
I'm hanging out
with my friend, John.
27
00:01:06,358 --> 00:01:08,118
Fox 5 morning news
starts... Look over there.
28
00:01:08,193 --> 00:01:10,862
- And it starts right now.
29
00:01:11,154 --> 00:01:13,031
Oh, boy.
30
00:01:13,323 --> 00:01:15,742
- And that's just the beginning.
31
00:01:16,034 --> 00:01:17,869
- All right, Chros, all right.
32
00:01:18,161 --> 00:01:19,538
What else do you have planned?
33
00:01:19,830 --> 00:01:20,289
- I don't know.
34
00:01:20,581 --> 00:01:22,207
How about dinner at
some place amazing?
35
00:01:22,499 --> 00:01:23,625
- You're kidding, right?
36
00:01:23,917 --> 00:01:25,117
It's New York, on Valentine's.
37
00:01:25,210 --> 00:01:25,919
You need a reservation.
38
00:01:26,211 --> 00:01:26,878
- All right, so I'll make one.
39
00:01:27,170 --> 00:01:29,965
Right now.
40
00:01:30,257 --> 00:01:31,592
- No, it's too late.
41
00:01:31,883 --> 00:01:33,844
Happy "league of
women voters day."
42
00:01:34,136 --> 00:01:35,637
- Oh, I've got a better idea.
43
00:01:35,929 --> 00:01:37,169
I will make you dinner at home.
44
00:01:37,431 --> 00:01:38,807
Mashed potatoes
in a Martini glass,
45
00:01:39,099 --> 00:01:41,077
we'll open some of that
wine we didn't give the super
46
00:01:41,101 --> 00:01:42,412
for Christmas because you
decided it would come off
47
00:01:42,436 --> 00:01:43,478
as racist.
48
00:01:43,770 --> 00:01:46,189
- Oh, I'm glad we gave him
those G.E.D. books instead.
49
00:01:46,481 --> 00:01:47,667
- We're gonna
use real silverware.
50
00:01:47,691 --> 00:01:48,931
We're gonna light some candles.
51
00:01:49,151 --> 00:01:50,791
We'll play the soundtrack
to major league.
52
00:01:51,028 --> 00:01:53,268
- You're making fun of me,
but that love song is awesome.
53
00:01:53,322 --> 00:01:55,657
- All in the comfort
of our own living room.
54
00:01:55,949 --> 00:01:58,011
- Look, Criss, you need to
know what you're up against here.
55
00:01:58,035 --> 00:02:00,787
I am 0 for 40 on
Valentine's day.
56
00:02:01,079 --> 00:02:02,456
- I will waste you!
57
00:02:02,748 --> 00:02:05,250
- You'll have to go
through this old bastard first!
58
00:02:05,542 --> 00:02:07,961
Bon Jovi.
59
00:02:09,838 --> 00:02:11,965
- No, no, no, no, no, Lemon.
60
00:02:12,257 --> 00:02:14,092
- Uh, Liz,
61
00:02:14,384 --> 00:02:15,969
you know, my mom did just die.
62
00:02:16,261 --> 00:02:18,305
- Will you be my Valentine?
63
00:02:20,974 --> 00:02:22,184
- I just realized I'm gay.
64
00:02:22,476 --> 00:02:24,645
- If this is going
to be "unterrible"
65
00:02:24,936 --> 00:02:25,936
for the first time ever,
66
00:02:26,063 --> 00:02:27,383
I'm not eating
off a coffee table.
67
00:02:27,481 --> 00:02:29,316
- Well, you know,
for thousands of years
68
00:02:29,608 --> 00:02:31,648
Japanese diners have
used traditional tatami mats...
69
00:02:32,694 --> 00:02:33,403
- Whoa, okay, no, no, no.
70
00:02:33,695 --> 00:02:34,695
We'll get a real table.
71
00:02:34,946 --> 00:02:36,424
But we're going to
need one by tonight.
72
00:02:36,448 --> 00:02:38,033
- That leaves us
only one option.
73
00:02:38,325 --> 00:02:39,951
We, as a couple,
74
00:02:40,243 --> 00:02:42,037
are going to Ikea.
75
00:02:46,208 --> 00:02:46,875
Were you playing golf?
76
00:02:47,167 --> 00:02:48,167
It's freezing out.
77
00:02:48,210 --> 00:02:49,586
- Yes, I was.
78
00:02:49,878 --> 00:02:52,255
In Avery's absence, I have
extra time each day to, uh,
79
00:02:52,547 --> 00:02:53,547
how do I put this?
80
00:02:53,799 --> 00:02:54,799
Release some energy.
81
00:02:55,050 --> 00:02:56,402
- Are we talking about
something gross?
82
00:02:56,426 --> 00:02:57,666
- My animus has become pent up.
83
00:02:57,928 --> 00:02:59,368
- Why don't you just
come out and say
84
00:02:59,471 --> 00:03:00,722
you haven't had
85
00:03:01,014 --> 00:03:02,891
"mommy-daddy
sheet monster times."
86
00:03:03,183 --> 00:03:04,943
- I'm not about to cheat
on the woman I love,
87
00:03:05,102 --> 00:03:08,021
and I've never "mommy-daddy
sheet monstered" myself.
88
00:03:08,313 --> 00:03:10,153
- Never? Not even during
the love boat reunion?
89
00:03:12,109 --> 00:03:13,189
Anyway, sorry you're alone.
90
00:03:13,235 --> 00:03:14,253
I certainly know what it's like
91
00:03:14,277 --> 00:03:17,114
to have a crummy
Valentine's day.
92
00:03:17,406 --> 00:03:19,700
- We're not going to
chili's until I hit one.
93
00:03:22,369 --> 00:03:25,247
Go tell the guy the
machine's not fast enough.
94
00:03:25,539 --> 00:03:26,539
- Ow!
95
00:03:26,790 --> 00:03:29,710
- I would kill to get hit in the
crotch by a baseball today.
96
00:03:30,001 --> 00:03:31,920
Not only is my wife
12,000 miles away,
97
00:03:32,212 --> 00:03:35,006
my mother-in-law
has decided to visit.
98
00:03:35,298 --> 00:03:36,526
- Oh, no. I've never
had a mother-in-law,
99
00:03:36,550 --> 00:03:38,301
but I have seen
Everybody Loves Raymond.
100
00:03:38,593 --> 00:03:40,153
"Debra, where's the
figurine I gave you?
101
00:03:40,345 --> 00:03:41,722
Raymond, I gave
Debra a figurine."
102
00:03:42,013 --> 00:03:42,639
"Ma!"
103
00:03:42,931 --> 00:03:44,975
- The Jessups are very
white and very proper.
104
00:03:45,267 --> 00:03:47,853
The first Jessup moved
to this country in 1760
105
00:03:48,145 --> 00:03:52,315
to avoid an embarrassing
regifting incident.
106
00:03:52,607 --> 00:03:57,112
- But, my lord, I gave you
these dueling pistols last yuletide.
107
00:03:57,404 --> 00:03:58,404
- Yes, of course.
108
00:03:58,488 --> 00:04:00,490
Now, if you'll excuse me.
109
00:04:06,997 --> 00:04:09,166
- It's been difficult to
get Diana to acknowledge
110
00:04:09,458 --> 00:04:11,298
the reality of what's
happened to her daughter.
111
00:04:11,460 --> 00:04:12,127
- What is she, an
Egyptian crocodile?
112
00:04:12,419 --> 00:04:14,171
'Cause she is in "denial."
113
00:04:14,463 --> 00:04:15,505
I've had two coffees.
114
00:04:15,797 --> 00:04:17,257
Anyway, you'll be happy to hear
115
00:04:17,549 --> 00:04:18,842
that I am giving Valentine's
116
00:04:19,134 --> 00:04:20,174
a second chance this year.
117
00:04:20,218 --> 00:04:22,098
- Oh, and here we are on six.
- For the first...
118
00:04:22,179 --> 00:04:22,888
- what a shame.
119
00:04:23,180 --> 00:04:25,182
It felt like we were
just getting started.
120
00:04:25,474 --> 00:04:26,474
- "Ma!"
121
00:04:28,143 --> 00:04:34,399
♪ ♪
122
00:04:47,245 --> 00:04:49,005
- Hazel, most people
think of Valentine's day
123
00:04:49,247 --> 00:04:52,375
as a celebration of the burning
of a catholic loudmouth, but
124
00:04:52,667 --> 00:04:53,752
it's also about love.
125
00:04:54,044 --> 00:04:56,087
- And escort prices
going way up.
126
00:04:56,379 --> 00:04:58,340
- Okay, so, how appropriate
that on Valentine's,
127
00:04:58,632 --> 00:05:02,010
I introduce you to the
new love of your life:
128
00:05:02,302 --> 00:05:06,139
This job, and everyone here.
129
00:05:06,431 --> 00:05:11,186
This is kind of the nerve
center of TGS... the page desk.
130
00:05:11,478 --> 00:05:12,854
- I've had a desk before.
131
00:05:13,146 --> 00:05:14,606
I managed a haunted
house upstate.
132
00:05:14,898 --> 00:05:15,898
But, as you know,
133
00:05:16,149 --> 00:05:18,401
the haunted house
industry is a real boys' club.
134
00:05:18,693 --> 00:05:19,693
Sure, it's hard,
135
00:05:19,945 --> 00:05:21,446
changing careers at my age.
136
00:05:21,738 --> 00:05:23,031
- Well, I wouldn't know anything
137
00:05:23,323 --> 00:05:24,643
about being too
old for something.
138
00:05:24,866 --> 00:05:28,370
- But here I am, in New
York, living at a 24 hour fitness,
139
00:05:28,662 --> 00:05:30,539
just ready to be inspired.
140
00:05:30,831 --> 00:05:31,831
- Hazel, right?
141
00:05:31,915 --> 00:05:32,915
- Yeah.
142
00:05:33,124 --> 00:05:34,844
- It's so great to have
a woman page here...
143
00:05:34,960 --> 00:05:35,669
- Thanks.
144
00:05:35,961 --> 00:05:37,754
- To test unapproved
Japanese medications on.
145
00:05:38,046 --> 00:05:39,464
Swallow.
146
00:05:39,756 --> 00:05:41,424
Swallow.
147
00:05:41,716 --> 00:05:43,051
Good girl!
148
00:05:43,343 --> 00:05:45,196
Now, let me know if all
your pubic hair falls out.
149
00:05:45,220 --> 00:05:46,220
- Oh, my god!
150
00:05:46,388 --> 00:05:48,028
- Oh, no, that's what
it's supposed to do.
151
00:05:48,306 --> 00:05:52,936
I want to make sure it
doesn't cause seizures.
152
00:05:53,228 --> 00:05:54,980
Sorry to crash this
sausage party...
153
00:05:55,272 --> 00:05:55,981
- Unnecessary.
154
00:05:56,273 --> 00:05:57,566
But I have an emergency.
155
00:05:57,858 --> 00:05:59,978
Sebastian, the producer of
America's Kidz Got Singing,
156
00:06:00,235 --> 00:06:02,070
od'd last night in
Guy Fieri's apartment.
157
00:06:02,362 --> 00:06:03,613
- Oh, my god, that's terrible.
158
00:06:03,905 --> 00:06:04,905
- Terrible for me.
159
00:06:05,115 --> 00:06:07,158
Tonight's our first
live show, I'm singing,
160
00:06:07,450 --> 00:06:09,119
and we don't have
a line producer.
161
00:06:09,411 --> 00:06:10,120
So I need to borrow Pete.
162
00:06:10,412 --> 00:06:11,412
- On Valentine's day?
163
00:06:11,621 --> 00:06:13,101
No, Pete's got to
go home to his wife.
164
00:06:13,248 --> 00:06:15,226
- Actually, Paula didn't want
to do anything for Valentine's,
165
00:06:15,250 --> 00:06:16,477
so she's just
going out to dinner
166
00:06:16,501 --> 00:06:18,670
with her tennis
instructor, Mark.
167
00:06:18,962 --> 00:06:21,798
- Perfect. Sound
check's at 1:00.
168
00:06:22,090 --> 00:06:24,371
I'm having Sebastian's lucky
earring sent from the morgue.
169
00:06:24,426 --> 00:06:25,468
Wear it.
170
00:06:25,760 --> 00:06:27,321
- So you're not spending
tonight with Paul?
171
00:06:27,345 --> 00:06:28,054
- No, Paul's been performing on
172
00:06:28,346 --> 00:06:30,181
a transvestite cruise
for the last month.
173
00:06:30,473 --> 00:06:33,935
It's called "Caribbean queens."
174
00:06:34,227 --> 00:06:36,354
Billy ocean is furious,
and very litigious.
175
00:06:36,646 --> 00:06:38,124
But he's powerless
as long as they stay
176
00:06:38,148 --> 00:06:39,357
in international waters.
177
00:06:39,649 --> 00:06:40,817
- Sure.
178
00:06:41,109 --> 00:06:43,737
Since you asked, Criss
and I are going to Ikea.
179
00:06:44,029 --> 00:06:45,429
- For the hate-sex
after your fight?
180
00:06:45,488 --> 00:06:46,488
Good idea.
181
00:06:46,531 --> 00:06:47,240
- No, we're not going to fight.
182
00:06:47,532 --> 00:06:48,532
We're getting one thing.
183
00:06:48,617 --> 00:06:49,242
I have a plan...
184
00:06:49,534 --> 00:06:50,785
- nah, you're going to fight.
185
00:06:51,077 --> 00:06:52,138
Ikea's where I
used to go pick up
186
00:06:52,162 --> 00:06:53,872
newly-single vulnerable chicks.
187
00:06:54,164 --> 00:06:56,404
I've gotten women there two,
three points hotter than me.
188
00:06:56,583 --> 00:06:59,920
So, you know... Fours.
189
00:07:00,211 --> 00:07:01,504
- Look, I don't want to go.
190
00:07:01,796 --> 00:07:03,048
But we need a table.
191
00:07:03,340 --> 00:07:05,276
And if Criss thinks he's the
guy to get Liz Lemon on board
192
00:07:05,300 --> 00:07:07,802
with "Saint
lame-entine's nay"...
193
00:07:08,094 --> 00:07:09,137
- oh, honey, that sucks.
194
00:07:09,429 --> 00:07:11,407
- We better be able to
survive a simple trip to Ikea.
195
00:07:11,431 --> 00:07:12,891
- No, Liz, don't test it.
196
00:07:13,183 --> 00:07:15,185
Especially this early
in a relationship.
197
00:07:15,477 --> 00:07:17,854
It's like when Mickey Rourke
tested his catapult on me.
198
00:07:18,146 --> 00:07:21,024
- Wow, I was almost listening.
199
00:07:21,316 --> 00:07:22,316
- Where are you going?
200
00:07:22,567 --> 00:07:24,027
You never take my advice.
201
00:07:24,319 --> 00:07:25,904
- Ms. Maroney.
202
00:07:26,196 --> 00:07:28,198
- Oh, thank you, Kenneth.
203
00:07:28,490 --> 00:07:33,244
We'll take a pube count,
but it doesn't feel worth it.
204
00:07:33,536 --> 00:07:36,206
- Maybe I'm hitting
them too hard.
205
00:07:36,498 --> 00:07:38,818
And I should not have walked
past that sporting goods store
206
00:07:38,875 --> 00:07:40,460
where the mannequins
have nipples.
207
00:07:40,752 --> 00:07:42,212
And what race were
those mannequins,
208
00:07:42,504 --> 00:07:44,297
because their skin was Gray.
209
00:07:44,589 --> 00:07:47,217
They were like
faceless sex aliens.
210
00:07:47,509 --> 00:07:49,302
- Jack.
- Oh.
211
00:07:49,594 --> 00:07:52,222
Diana, you're here, I
thought you'd be at the house.
212
00:07:52,514 --> 00:07:54,617
- Oh, yes, I dropped my bags
off and shook hands with the baby,
213
00:07:54,641 --> 00:07:58,019
but I wanted to come talk to
you about Avery's situation.
214
00:07:58,311 --> 00:07:59,471
- Oh, what situation is that?
215
00:07:59,562 --> 00:08:01,940
According to your
Christmas letter,
216
00:08:02,232 --> 00:08:03,942
Avery is in Asia on business.
217
00:08:04,234 --> 00:08:05,568
You know that she was kidnapped
218
00:08:05,860 --> 00:08:07,237
by the North
Korean secret police.
219
00:08:07,529 --> 00:08:09,072
- Don't be vulgar.
220
00:08:09,364 --> 00:08:10,841
As we said in the
letter, she'll be back soon
221
00:08:10,865 --> 00:08:12,367
with some charming
Asian ceramics.
222
00:08:12,659 --> 00:08:16,246
- I'm sorry, but who is this
"we" you keep referring to?
223
00:08:16,538 --> 00:08:19,332
Your husband has
been dead for 15 years.
224
00:08:19,624 --> 00:08:22,168
- Wonderful news. You know
our pacing horse, squanto?
225
00:08:22,460 --> 00:08:23,837
She's foaling in the spring.
226
00:08:24,129 --> 00:08:25,609
- Diana, I know the
Jessups don't like
227
00:08:25,714 --> 00:08:26,131
to talk about
unpleasant matters.
228
00:08:26,423 --> 00:08:27,924
But sometimes I feel like
229
00:08:28,216 --> 00:08:29,527
I'm the only person
trying to get Avery back.
230
00:08:29,551 --> 00:08:33,930
- Well, that is what
I wanted to discuss.
231
00:08:34,222 --> 00:08:37,100
It has been months, and I
feel like nothing has happened.
232
00:08:37,392 --> 00:08:37,976
- Diana,
233
00:08:38,268 --> 00:08:42,272
extracting an American
from North Korea is a, uh...
234
00:08:44,607 --> 00:08:46,276
- Oh.
235
00:08:46,568 --> 00:08:49,320
Is a lot more difficult
than organizing
236
00:08:49,612 --> 00:08:51,239
a round-Robin paddle
tennis tournament.
237
00:08:51,531 --> 00:08:51,948
- What about organizing
238
00:08:52,240 --> 00:08:55,326
three round-Robin
paddle tennis tournaments?
239
00:08:55,618 --> 00:08:57,287
- I heard that one of
them was a disaster.
240
00:08:57,579 --> 00:08:58,705
- Who told you that?
241
00:08:58,997 --> 00:08:59,414
Bebe Butler?
242
00:08:59,706 --> 00:09:04,210
Oh, she's trying to destroy me.
243
00:09:04,502 --> 00:09:06,254
This situation has
become embarrassing.
244
00:09:06,546 --> 00:09:08,923
One of Frederick's
old Washington friends
245
00:09:09,215 --> 00:09:11,509
has some connections with
the transylvanian consulate
246
00:09:11,801 --> 00:09:12,801
at the United Nations.
247
00:09:12,969 --> 00:09:14,363
I made an appointment
for both of us.
248
00:09:14,387 --> 00:09:14,888
- Let me stop you right there.
249
00:09:15,180 --> 00:09:18,933
I've been to the
U.N. repeatedly.
250
00:09:19,225 --> 00:09:22,520
Mein herr, meine
frau Avery Jessup...
251
00:09:22,812 --> 00:09:24,647
Kim Jong-Il Vuvuzela
252
00:09:24,939 --> 00:09:26,066
Charlize theron...
253
00:09:26,357 --> 00:09:27,543
Boomerang my Sheila back
254
00:09:27,567 --> 00:09:28,567
to her Joey, mate.
255
00:09:28,777 --> 00:09:30,111
And it's gotten me nowhere.
256
00:09:30,403 --> 00:09:32,322
The U.N. is a
useless organization,
257
00:09:32,614 --> 00:09:34,240
with a ridiculous army.
258
00:09:34,532 --> 00:09:36,076
Robin's egg Blue helmets?
259
00:09:36,367 --> 00:09:37,367
Great camouflage,
260
00:09:37,619 --> 00:09:39,245
if you're invading
an easter egg hunt.
261
00:09:39,537 --> 00:09:41,206
- Jack, perhaps you're
not having success
262
00:09:41,498 --> 00:09:42,999
because of that attitude.
263
00:09:43,291 --> 00:09:45,251
I find you catch
more flies with honey.
264
00:09:45,543 --> 00:09:47,128
- First of all, why
do you want flies?
265
00:09:47,420 --> 00:09:51,508
Our appointment is at 11:00.
266
00:09:51,800 --> 00:09:53,611
Strewth, what a bull-dingered
267
00:09:53,635 --> 00:09:55,261
Valentine's day.
268
00:09:55,553 --> 00:09:57,097
- Oh, and, Jack?
269
00:09:57,388 --> 00:10:01,184
I speak Australian.
270
00:10:05,230 --> 00:10:07,941
- Wow, that ferry
ride was the first time
271
00:10:08,233 --> 00:10:09,376
we've ever been
on a boat together.
272
00:10:09,400 --> 00:10:11,295
Unless you count that time
when the goose chased you
273
00:10:11,319 --> 00:10:13,404
into the central park boat pond.
274
00:10:13,696 --> 00:10:15,136
- Criss, I need to
ask you something.
275
00:10:15,406 --> 00:10:16,950
Have you ever been to an Ikea?
276
00:10:17,242 --> 00:10:18,642
Do you know what
we're walking into?
277
00:10:18,910 --> 00:10:20,703
- You know what? I like myself.
278
00:10:20,995 --> 00:10:22,115
I have good taste in drapes.
279
00:10:22,247 --> 00:10:24,666
- I wish I'd died on Iwo
Jima and never met you.
280
00:10:24,958 --> 00:10:26,543
- Whoa.
281
00:10:26,835 --> 00:10:27,835
What was that?
282
00:10:28,086 --> 00:10:28,461
- Not us.
283
00:10:28,753 --> 00:10:30,547
We are a good team,
and we have a plan.
284
00:10:30,839 --> 00:10:33,120
We're going to go in, get the
Kurtz with the birch veneer,
285
00:10:33,299 --> 00:10:34,299
and then get out.
286
00:10:34,384 --> 00:10:36,594
Then go home and have
an amazing night together.
287
00:10:36,886 --> 00:10:38,346
I just got my period.
288
00:10:38,638 --> 00:10:40,557
- Liz, what are
you worried about?
289
00:10:40,849 --> 00:10:43,226
Come on, this is gonna be fun.
290
00:10:43,518 --> 00:10:45,436
- I'm going back
to those cute bowls.
291
00:10:45,728 --> 00:10:49,649
- I swear to god,
I will stab you!
292
00:10:53,695 --> 00:10:54,695
- So tense.
293
00:10:54,946 --> 00:10:57,240
Just like my mom's back.
294
00:11:01,369 --> 00:11:02,495
- Dude,
295
00:11:02,787 --> 00:11:04,414
what was that?
296
00:11:04,706 --> 00:11:05,808
- I just don't want
to be alone today.
297
00:11:05,832 --> 00:11:07,712
In 48 years, I haven't
had one good Valentine's.
298
00:11:07,834 --> 00:11:09,114
- Man, if I weren't
with Lynn now
299
00:11:09,377 --> 00:11:10,377
we could team up.
300
00:11:10,545 --> 00:11:12,005
Valentine's day
is the perfect time
301
00:11:12,297 --> 00:11:13,506
to meet vulnerable women.
302
00:11:13,798 --> 00:11:14,798
It's scumbag Christmas!
303
00:11:14,924 --> 00:11:16,593
- Just tell me what to do.
304
00:11:16,885 --> 00:11:18,925
- Look, guys like us have
to pick low-hanging fruit.
305
00:11:19,095 --> 00:11:20,555
We look like far side drawings.
306
00:11:20,847 --> 00:11:23,308
So we go where women are
sad, desperate, and weak...
307
00:11:23,600 --> 00:11:25,327
Cat shelters, blood
Banks, the ice cream stand
308
00:11:25,351 --> 00:11:28,021
at a Celtic woman
concert... And we strike.
309
00:11:28,313 --> 00:11:29,913
- Another good place
is the beauty salon,
310
00:11:30,190 --> 00:11:32,400
where white girls
try to do black hair.
311
00:11:32,692 --> 00:11:34,837
Sisters come out crying,
feeling all bad about themselves,
312
00:11:34,861 --> 00:11:36,863
and we walk up on them all,
313
00:11:37,155 --> 00:11:39,657
both: "Hey, baby, what's wrong?"
314
00:11:39,949 --> 00:11:42,035
- You're married, I
actually have a girlfriend,
315
00:11:42,327 --> 00:11:44,287
all our dirtbag knowledge
is going to go to waste.
316
00:11:44,329 --> 00:11:45,329
- No, it's not.
317
00:11:45,371 --> 00:11:48,791
Lutz, prepare for the
adventure of a lifetime.
318
00:11:49,083 --> 00:11:51,211
Then after we watch
Fievel Goes West,
319
00:11:51,502 --> 00:11:54,547
we're gonna get you some action.
320
00:11:54,839 --> 00:11:57,091
Hey, you needed to see me?
321
00:11:57,383 --> 00:11:59,719
Did you book a female
hair-person for me tonight?
322
00:12:00,011 --> 00:12:01,387
Who's Karen?
323
00:12:01,679 --> 00:12:04,140
I need someone named
Trentence, or Orbino.
324
00:12:04,432 --> 00:12:06,352
Get in the game, Pete.
Your star is freaking out.
325
00:12:06,643 --> 00:12:07,310
- What are you
freaking out about?
326
00:12:07,602 --> 00:12:09,229
You sing live all the time.
327
00:12:09,520 --> 00:12:11,147
- This is different.
328
00:12:11,439 --> 00:12:12,999
It's not some rinky-dink
late night show
329
00:12:13,191 --> 00:12:14,651
that a bald idiot produces.
330
00:12:14,943 --> 00:12:17,528
It's the largest audience
I've ever performed for.
331
00:12:17,820 --> 00:12:20,573
And after spending all season
ripping cute kids new ones,
332
00:12:20,865 --> 00:12:22,325
everyone wants me to fail.
333
00:12:22,617 --> 00:12:24,577
- Tomorrow night on
America's Kidz Got Singing,
334
00:12:24,869 --> 00:12:27,914
the judge becomes the
opposite of the judge.
335
00:12:28,206 --> 00:12:29,540
Come on, guys, a little effort.
336
00:12:29,832 --> 00:12:31,501
Jenna Maroney's singing live,
337
00:12:31,793 --> 00:12:34,337
and all of america
is just waiting for that
338
00:12:34,629 --> 00:12:38,091
To get over and over
and over again with a.
339
00:12:38,383 --> 00:12:39,743
Nice bleeping.
Sorry about earlier.
340
00:12:39,884 --> 00:12:41,511
- Jenna, you need to relax.
341
00:12:41,803 --> 00:12:44,097
- Listen up, if tonight
isn't a huge "jiumph,"
342
00:12:44,389 --> 00:12:45,616
which is short for
"Jenna triumph,"
343
00:12:45,640 --> 00:12:46,307
it's on you.
344
00:12:46,599 --> 00:12:47,976
And like all celebrities,
345
00:12:48,268 --> 00:12:50,186
I'm very good at
shifting the blame.
346
00:12:50,478 --> 00:12:52,647
I attacked Nancy kerrigan.
347
00:12:55,733 --> 00:12:58,236
- Did you get my message?
- Yes, your excellency.
348
00:12:58,528 --> 00:12:59,529
And I also wish you,
349
00:12:59,821 --> 00:13:04,325
a "bear-y" happy
Valentine's day.
350
00:13:04,617 --> 00:13:06,411
- He said it'll be another hour.
351
00:13:06,703 --> 00:13:09,539
The assistant attache has
a few minutes around 14:30.
352
00:13:09,831 --> 00:13:13,793
- 14:30? You do know that
this office is in america, right?
353
00:13:14,085 --> 00:13:14,460
Do you see a 14 on my watch?
354
00:13:14,752 --> 00:13:16,337
Yes, it's the date.
355
00:13:16,629 --> 00:13:17,880
Happy Valentine's day.
356
00:13:18,172 --> 00:13:19,172
- That's cute.
357
00:13:19,299 --> 00:13:21,019
And what insolvent
country do you come from?
358
00:13:21,175 --> 00:13:22,969
- New Jersey. I'm just a weirdo.
359
00:13:23,261 --> 00:13:24,821
- Will you please
stop being so hostile?
360
00:13:24,846 --> 00:13:26,222
You just make everything worse.
361
00:13:26,514 --> 00:13:28,683
No wonder you haven't
accomplished anything.
362
00:13:28,975 --> 00:13:30,615
- You know what?
Avery loved a good fight.
363
00:13:30,685 --> 00:13:32,788
She used to call the cable
company and dispute our bill,
364
00:13:32,812 --> 00:13:34,314
just for the sport of it.
365
00:13:34,605 --> 00:13:37,317
She wouldn't stand for
this dog and pony show.
366
00:13:37,608 --> 00:13:39,253
- I have organized several
dog and pony shows,
367
00:13:39,277 --> 00:13:40,877
and I'm offended by
what you're implying.
368
00:13:40,987 --> 00:13:42,405
- How are you Avery's mother?
369
00:13:42,697 --> 00:13:44,866
- We have a few
things in common, Jack.
370
00:13:45,158 --> 00:13:47,160
We both married
much, much older men,
371
00:13:47,452 --> 00:13:48,911
which can be hard,
372
00:13:49,203 --> 00:13:51,039
or, more often, flaccid.
373
00:13:51,331 --> 00:13:52,641
- I have an idea. Maybe,
we just don't talk at all.
374
00:13:52,665 --> 00:13:55,335
Maybe we sit quietly
and read our, uh,
375
00:13:55,626 --> 00:13:59,297
soccer magazine.
376
00:14:00,965 --> 00:14:03,426
- Mr. Jordan's lizard, Jeremy,
377
00:14:03,718 --> 00:14:06,346
is always escaping
and biting everyone.
378
00:14:06,637 --> 00:14:08,181
Like owner, like lizard.
379
00:14:08,473 --> 00:14:09,724
Oh, man.
380
00:14:10,016 --> 00:14:12,560
That's why Mr. Jordan
got him a GPS collar.
381
00:14:12,852 --> 00:14:14,479
Now it's easier to find...
382
00:14:14,771 --> 00:14:17,357
Huh, well that can't be.
383
00:14:17,648 --> 00:14:18,751
It says he's inside the room.
384
00:14:18,775 --> 00:14:20,568
- Maybe you're reading it wrong?
385
00:14:20,860 --> 00:14:24,030
- Three feet, two feet,
386
00:14:24,322 --> 00:14:29,660
it says he's right on top of us.
387
00:14:29,952 --> 00:14:30,952
- Oh!
388
00:14:31,162 --> 00:14:32,205
Oh, my god, my face.
389
00:14:32,497 --> 00:14:34,040
Oh! Oh!
390
00:14:34,332 --> 00:14:36,417
He's mating with my mouth.
391
00:14:36,709 --> 00:14:39,796
- He likes you!
392
00:14:40,088 --> 00:14:41,088
- Here's a good one.
393
00:14:41,130 --> 00:14:42,882
Go to a strip club
on father's day,
394
00:14:43,174 --> 00:14:44,258
and shout things like,
395
00:14:44,550 --> 00:14:46,219
"I'm proud of you!"
396
00:14:46,511 --> 00:14:47,511
- Classic.
397
00:14:47,553 --> 00:14:48,096
- Where's Pete?
398
00:14:48,388 --> 00:14:51,474
I just dyed my gums because
I want them to pop on camera.
399
00:14:51,766 --> 00:14:52,350
But now they're burning.
400
00:14:52,642 --> 00:14:54,002
- Another way to
meet damaged women
401
00:14:54,185 --> 00:14:55,245
is to hang out with actresses.
402
00:14:55,269 --> 00:14:55,895
- Actresses?
403
00:14:56,187 --> 00:14:57,522
Where? How young are they?
404
00:14:57,814 --> 00:14:59,023
I'll do nudity.
405
00:14:59,315 --> 00:15:00,709
- Back in the day, I used
to work as a stock boy
406
00:15:00,733 --> 00:15:02,318
in a chic uptown
department store,
407
00:15:02,610 --> 00:15:04,612
called "Ray-Ray's
discount clothes bucket."
408
00:15:04,904 --> 00:15:06,280
I would go to the
swimsuit section
409
00:15:06,572 --> 00:15:07,907
and switch the tags.
410
00:15:08,199 --> 00:15:10,827
I'd take a size six and put
a size twelve sticker on it.
411
00:15:11,119 --> 00:15:13,454
And then some thick girl
would try to squeeze into it,
412
00:15:13,746 --> 00:15:15,182
and come out of the
dressing room like,
413
00:15:15,206 --> 00:15:17,750
"I've gotten bigger. Why
do I even bother dieting?"
414
00:15:18,042 --> 00:15:19,042
And I'm all like,
415
00:15:19,127 --> 00:15:21,170
both: "Hey, baby, what's wrong?"
416
00:15:21,462 --> 00:15:22,981
- You know, a great place
to meet vulnerable women
417
00:15:23,005 --> 00:15:24,632
is weight watchers.
418
00:15:24,924 --> 00:15:26,759
I did "watchers"
to stay pageant-fit,
419
00:15:27,051 --> 00:15:28,803
but it was too much
math for a six-year-old.
420
00:15:29,095 --> 00:15:30,255
Thank god I found cigarettes.
421
00:15:30,513 --> 00:15:33,015
- "Weight watchers," got it.
422
00:15:33,307 --> 00:15:34,934
- And if worse comes to worse,
423
00:15:35,226 --> 00:15:36,426
make the lady feel vulnerable.
424
00:15:36,602 --> 00:15:39,564
Check this out.
425
00:15:41,899 --> 00:15:42,608
- Aah!
426
00:15:42,900 --> 00:15:44,861
- Oh, baby, did someone
throw cereal on you?
427
00:15:45,153 --> 00:15:46,630
Let's get you out
of these wet clothes.
428
00:15:46,654 --> 00:15:50,199
- Oh, what is wrong
with you people?
429
00:15:50,491 --> 00:15:51,826
- Whatever.
430
00:15:52,118 --> 00:15:53,870
Jeremy says she's
a tease anyway.
431
00:15:54,162 --> 00:15:56,956
Now, let's hit weight watchers.
432
00:15:57,248 --> 00:15:58,528
- How is there
no signal in here?
433
00:15:58,666 --> 00:15:59,876
- Silence, prisoner.
434
00:16:00,168 --> 00:16:01,728
I mean, can I help
you, valued customer?
435
00:16:01,878 --> 00:16:04,005
- Ah, there you are.
436
00:16:04,297 --> 00:16:05,006
What are you doing?
437
00:16:05,298 --> 00:16:05,798
- Buying stuff for tonight,
438
00:16:06,090 --> 00:16:07,216
to make it awesome.
439
00:16:07,508 --> 00:16:08,843
Look, salt and pepper shakers.
440
00:16:09,135 --> 00:16:11,179
You put them together,
it makes a heart.
441
00:16:11,471 --> 00:16:13,848
- Take them apart,
two red sperms.
442
00:16:14,140 --> 00:16:15,140
We're not getting that.
443
00:16:15,349 --> 00:16:16,829
- What's with the
"neggy" vibes, jeez.
444
00:16:17,101 --> 00:16:17,810
I can get things.
445
00:16:18,102 --> 00:16:19,502
- Not if you're not
paying for them.
446
00:16:20,313 --> 00:16:23,483
Heh!
447
00:16:23,774 --> 00:16:26,360
- Let's go get
that table, buddy.
448
00:16:30,573 --> 00:16:32,492
- Ikea.
449
00:16:37,705 --> 00:16:38,831
- First things first.
450
00:16:39,123 --> 00:16:40,123
I am from transylvania,
451
00:16:40,374 --> 00:16:41,417
but I am not a vampire.
452
00:16:41,709 --> 00:16:44,337
I'm just a night owl with
a terrible garlic allergy.
453
00:16:44,629 --> 00:16:47,089
So, this is regarding that boy
454
00:16:47,381 --> 00:16:48,883
who went missing in my castle?
455
00:16:49,175 --> 00:16:50,402
- No, we're here about my wife.
456
00:16:50,426 --> 00:16:53,888
- My daughter, Avery
Jessup, she's in North Korea.
457
00:16:54,180 --> 00:16:59,018
- Ah, yes, the Jessup case.
458
00:16:59,310 --> 00:17:02,396
Yes, I would like to speak
to Kim jong-UN, immediately.
459
00:17:02,688 --> 00:17:04,106
That is unacceptable.
460
00:17:04,398 --> 00:17:07,151
I understand.
461
00:17:07,443 --> 00:17:09,529
The operator wouldn't
let me dial long-distance.
462
00:17:09,820 --> 00:17:11,006
So, thank you both for coming.
463
00:17:11,030 --> 00:17:11,739
- Oh, no.
464
00:17:12,031 --> 00:17:15,409
That is exactly what I
expected would happen.
465
00:17:15,701 --> 00:17:16,786
- Oh, does that hurt?
466
00:17:17,078 --> 00:17:18,871
Well, I'm so sorry.
467
00:17:19,163 --> 00:17:22,083
Well that is just the
beginning, you... Penis!
468
00:17:22,375 --> 00:17:24,919
This isn't some
idiotic civil war
469
00:17:25,211 --> 00:17:26,921
in some country without oil.
470
00:17:27,213 --> 00:17:30,258
This is my favorite daughter.
471
00:17:30,550 --> 00:17:33,844
And she is a beautiful
white American.
472
00:17:34,136 --> 00:17:35,763
So why the fudge isn't
473
00:17:36,055 --> 00:17:39,100
everyone fudging
freaking the fudge out!
474
00:17:39,392 --> 00:17:40,101
- She's right.
475
00:17:40,393 --> 00:17:41,393
You are a penis!
476
00:17:41,477 --> 00:17:43,396
- I'm going to call security.
477
00:17:43,688 --> 00:17:46,983
One of the guys has a whistle.
478
00:17:47,275 --> 00:17:48,275
- Vampire push.
479
00:17:48,317 --> 00:17:49,902
- Did you just threaten her?
480
00:17:50,194 --> 00:17:52,238
I want you to apologize
to this woman, right now.
481
00:17:52,530 --> 00:17:53,823
I am a very powerful man.
482
00:17:54,115 --> 00:17:55,300
I can see to it
that transylvania
483
00:17:55,324 --> 00:17:57,326
never sees another
episode of friends.
484
00:17:57,618 --> 00:17:59,912
- No! Monica and Chandler
just slept together in London.
485
00:18:00,204 --> 00:18:01,831
I'm... I'm sorry.
486
00:18:02,123 --> 00:18:03,708
- Okay. Now admit
the U.N. is useless.
487
00:18:04,000 --> 00:18:06,127
- It is. Half the building
is a laser tag arena.
488
00:18:06,419 --> 00:18:09,130
- Admit it's annoying
when Bono comes around.
489
00:18:09,422 --> 00:18:10,006
- Oh, it's the worst.
490
00:18:10,298 --> 00:18:12,842
Every time he says he's not
hungry when we collect money
491
00:18:13,134 --> 00:18:15,014
for pizza, and then he
eats, like, three slices.
492
00:18:15,094 --> 00:18:16,762
- Oh, you disgust me.
493
00:18:17,054 --> 00:18:18,931
Come on, let's go.
494
00:18:19,223 --> 00:18:20,391
Oh, and, Cjokula,
495
00:18:20,683 --> 00:18:22,810
at Monica and
Chandler's wedding,
496
00:18:23,102 --> 00:18:24,382
Rachel's the one
who is pregnant.
497
00:18:28,024 --> 00:18:31,110
- Ah, finally, tables.
498
00:18:31,402 --> 00:18:33,738
- Stop walking so close to me!
499
00:18:34,030 --> 00:18:35,030
I'm sorry.
500
00:18:35,239 --> 00:18:36,699
It's this place.
501
00:18:36,991 --> 00:18:38,951
But also, if you would
just let me get a few steps
502
00:18:38,993 --> 00:18:41,954
ahead of you first,
and then you walk?
503
00:18:42,246 --> 00:18:44,081
- I found it.
504
00:18:44,373 --> 00:18:45,373
- Nice.
505
00:18:45,458 --> 00:18:45,958
- What?
506
00:18:46,250 --> 00:18:48,127
- Eh, it's nice, it's just...
507
00:18:48,419 --> 00:18:52,590
I don't know if I'm
feeling it, you know?
508
00:18:52,882 --> 00:18:54,216
What about this idea?
509
00:18:54,508 --> 00:18:55,708
I know a guy who cuts glass...
510
00:18:55,926 --> 00:18:56,594
- no. I took measurements,
511
00:18:56,886 --> 00:18:58,512
I looked at colors,
we came here.
512
00:18:58,804 --> 00:18:59,513
This is the plan.
513
00:18:59,805 --> 00:19:01,474
- Yeah, it's just
that this table,
514
00:19:01,766 --> 00:19:03,309
it feels kind of uptight.
515
00:19:03,601 --> 00:19:05,121
And I think something
a little more fun
516
00:19:05,269 --> 00:19:06,549
would be a better table, for me.
517
00:19:06,812 --> 00:19:08,092
- Oh, well, I don't know, Criss.
518
00:19:08,314 --> 00:19:10,125
Maybe a more fun table
wouldn't be as supportive.
519
00:19:10,149 --> 00:19:11,149
- Mm.
520
00:19:11,275 --> 00:19:12,336
- What? No, no, we
are not doing this.
521
00:19:12,360 --> 00:19:13,520
We are not letting this table
522
00:19:13,653 --> 00:19:15,112
be a metaphor
for our relationship.
523
00:19:15,404 --> 00:19:16,947
That's what Ikea wants us to do.
524
00:19:17,239 --> 00:19:19,301
- I'm just not sure my chair
wants to be with this table.
525
00:19:19,325 --> 00:19:21,035
- Why, because
deep down your chair
526
00:19:21,327 --> 00:19:22,554
would rather be
with other chairs?
527
00:19:22,578 --> 00:19:23,579
- Wow, I think the table
528
00:19:23,871 --> 00:19:25,351
needs to stop
listening to its mother.
529
00:19:25,414 --> 00:19:27,134
- Well, it's just the
table thinks the chair
530
00:19:27,375 --> 00:19:31,295
takes too many camping
trips with Richard.
531
00:19:31,587 --> 00:19:33,506
- Almost there, teammate.
532
00:19:33,798 --> 00:19:36,092
To the warehouse!
533
00:19:36,384 --> 00:19:41,430
- Seriously? "Zoo York."
534
00:19:41,722 --> 00:19:44,809
- Okay, everybody, sound
check for Ms. Maroney.
535
00:19:45,101 --> 00:19:46,811
- No, I don't want a live band.
536
00:19:47,103 --> 00:19:48,103
Live bands make mistakes.
537
00:19:48,270 --> 00:19:51,107
Pete, I have made
love to Alfonso,
538
00:19:51,399 --> 00:19:53,039
he can't keep rhythm,
get him out of here.
539
00:19:53,067 --> 00:19:54,193
- That's a wrap on Alfonso.
540
00:19:54,485 --> 00:20:00,116
Alfonso Disparioso, everybody.
541
00:20:00,408 --> 00:20:01,951
- This is your moment.
542
00:20:02,243 --> 00:20:03,911
The world breathes for you.
543
00:20:04,203 --> 00:20:05,287
I love you, myself.
544
00:20:05,579 --> 00:20:07,540
- And playback.
545
00:20:13,671 --> 00:20:16,340
♪ Just you and I ♪
546
00:20:17,842 --> 00:20:19,135
- Jenna, you're not singing.
547
00:20:19,427 --> 00:20:21,262
- Yes, I am.
548
00:20:21,554 --> 00:20:25,891
♪ We'll build our
dreams together ♪
549
00:20:27,435 --> 00:20:30,604
♪ Be all right ♪
550
00:20:30,896 --> 00:20:33,149
- I'm sorry I was such
an Italian in there,
551
00:20:33,441 --> 00:20:35,234
but that was unacceptable.
552
00:20:35,526 --> 00:20:36,902
- No, you were wonderful.
553
00:20:37,194 --> 00:20:39,280
The way your eyes went
dead, just like Avery's.
554
00:20:39,572 --> 00:20:40,841
I didn't know you
had that in you.
555
00:20:40,865 --> 00:20:43,159
- "Yosemite Sam" was
based on my grandfather,
556
00:20:43,451 --> 00:20:45,035
so yes, I do have a temper.
557
00:20:45,327 --> 00:20:47,514
There are a lot of things you
don't know about me, Jack.
558
00:20:47,538 --> 00:20:50,916
In 1978, I was in playboy,
just wearing a necktie
559
00:20:51,208 --> 00:20:52,710
and holding hands
with a black girl.
560
00:20:53,002 --> 00:20:55,004
- How could I have ever said
561
00:20:55,296 --> 00:20:57,131
that you're not your
daughter's mother.
562
00:20:57,423 --> 00:21:00,718
Those incredible cheekbones,
like an evil Disney queen.
563
00:21:01,010 --> 00:21:02,845
- No, I misjudged you.
564
00:21:03,137 --> 00:21:04,889
The way you broke that man down
565
00:21:05,181 --> 00:21:07,975
like a folding table at
a dog and pony show.
566
00:21:08,267 --> 00:21:11,228
And I am sorry I compared
you to my late husband.
567
00:21:11,520 --> 00:21:14,231
You are not some
liver-spotted old man
568
00:21:14,523 --> 00:21:16,275
constantly spilling
hot tea in his lap
569
00:21:16,567 --> 00:21:18,819
until his whole
crotch was useless.
570
00:21:19,111 --> 00:21:19,779
Useless!
571
00:21:20,070 --> 00:21:21,363
You are young.
572
00:21:21,655 --> 00:21:22,990
You are virile.
573
00:21:23,282 --> 00:21:25,284
Your hair, like a lion's mane.
574
00:21:25,576 --> 00:21:30,331
- My eyes, like two
pools of ice water.
575
00:21:30,623 --> 00:21:31,999
Ah, let's keep walking,
576
00:21:32,291 --> 00:21:33,291
in the cold.
577
00:21:33,501 --> 00:21:34,126
- Yes.
578
00:21:34,418 --> 00:21:36,378
Do you like baseball?
Let's talk about baseball.
579
00:21:36,670 --> 00:21:38,422
- I love baseball.
Abner doubleday.
580
00:21:38,714 --> 00:21:40,925
- The bats are long and hard.
- The gloves are girls.
581
00:21:41,217 --> 00:21:42,968
- Balls!
- Jeter's thighs in those pants.
582
00:21:43,260 --> 00:21:44,678
New topic.
583
00:21:48,182 --> 00:21:49,809
- Ah.
584
00:21:50,100 --> 00:21:50,643
- You know, it's funny.
585
00:21:50,935 --> 00:21:52,295
If those teeth
were in your vagina,
586
00:21:52,561 --> 00:21:54,730
you'd be considered a monster.
587
00:21:55,022 --> 00:21:57,125
Well, Jenna, there's nothing
physically wrong with you.
588
00:21:57,149 --> 00:21:58,442
- That's impossible.
589
00:21:58,734 --> 00:21:59,734
Why can't I sing?
590
00:21:59,777 --> 00:22:01,362
- Well, it must be
psychosomatic.
591
00:22:01,654 --> 00:22:04,281
Don't worry, that's
just a fancy doctor word
592
00:22:04,573 --> 00:22:05,653
for "your brain is broken."
593
00:22:05,783 --> 00:22:07,535
Unfortunately, there's
no field of medicine
594
00:22:07,827 --> 00:22:09,078
that deals with the brain.
595
00:22:09,370 --> 00:22:13,290
But, I can give you
a pamphlet for a cult.
596
00:22:13,582 --> 00:22:13,916
- You don't understand.
597
00:22:14,208 --> 00:22:15,543
This is how I make my living.
598
00:22:15,835 --> 00:22:17,312
- Like me and my
cell phone bedazzling.
599
00:22:17,336 --> 00:22:18,629
- I have to be able to sing.
600
00:22:18,921 --> 00:22:20,732
- Maybe you're shutting down
because of all the pressure.
601
00:22:20,756 --> 00:22:22,396
There is a lot riding
on this performance.
602
00:22:22,550 --> 00:22:25,928
- Pressure? That's ridiculous.
603
00:22:26,220 --> 00:22:28,848
Pressure is trying
to pass for four
604
00:22:29,139 --> 00:22:30,391
when you just turned seven,
605
00:22:30,683 --> 00:22:32,476
at the "miss toddler
Panama City" pageant.
606
00:22:32,768 --> 00:22:34,937
You're crammed into
the same five-inch heels
607
00:22:35,229 --> 00:22:37,857
you wore the year before,
blood pooling in your toes.
608
00:22:38,148 --> 00:22:38,816
But you know if you don't win,
609
00:22:39,108 --> 00:22:41,569
mom can't fix the
hole in the gator fence,
610
00:22:41,861 --> 00:22:42,901
so you'll be up all night,
611
00:22:43,070 --> 00:22:44,905
stabbing gators.
612
00:22:45,197 --> 00:22:47,241
Pressure is performing
on a party boat
613
00:22:47,533 --> 00:22:48,533
that catches on fire,
614
00:22:48,784 --> 00:22:50,327
your throat burning
from the smoke.
615
00:22:50,619 --> 00:22:54,748
You still sing so beautifully
that it calms the passengers,
616
00:22:55,040 --> 00:22:57,084
so that you and the
crew can escape.
617
00:22:57,376 --> 00:22:58,377
Pressure...
618
00:22:58,669 --> 00:22:59,729
- It's the "rule
of threes," Pete.
619
00:22:59,753 --> 00:23:01,422
Is singing the yemeni
national anthem
620
00:23:01,714 --> 00:23:04,300
while a handsome but ruthless
general pushes a scimitar
621
00:23:04,592 --> 00:23:05,259
into your neck,
622
00:23:05,551 --> 00:23:07,219
Kristin Chenoweth's
corpse at your feet.
623
00:23:07,511 --> 00:23:09,305
That's pressure.
624
00:23:09,597 --> 00:23:11,098
This live show is nothing.
625
00:23:11,390 --> 00:23:13,434
- Well, there's something
weird going on here.
626
00:23:13,726 --> 00:23:15,728
- You feel that
sexual energy too?
627
00:23:16,020 --> 00:23:19,189
I mean, but... it would
be wrong to act on it.
628
00:23:22,318 --> 00:23:26,071
Well, it's 5:00 somewhere.
629
00:23:37,291 --> 00:23:38,375
- No, this isn't happening.
630
00:23:38,667 --> 00:23:40,461
They're sold out.
631
00:23:40,753 --> 00:23:42,397
- This is why you don't
just choose one option.
632
00:23:42,421 --> 00:23:43,797
We were in a
room full of tables.
633
00:23:44,089 --> 00:23:46,258
- No, this is why you
don't waste 45 minutes
634
00:23:46,550 --> 00:23:49,678
wandering around the
"Valentine's marketplace."
635
00:23:49,970 --> 00:23:51,430
- Trying to find
stuff for tonight.
636
00:23:51,722 --> 00:23:53,599
For you. Really cool stuff.
637
00:23:53,891 --> 00:23:55,911
- You still have those salt
and pepper shakers, don't you?
638
00:23:55,935 --> 00:23:58,312
- Well, I don't want
them anymore.
639
00:23:58,604 --> 00:23:59,897
'Cause I'm not feeling romantic.
640
00:24:00,189 --> 00:24:03,275
- God, you actually got
me excited about today.
641
00:24:03,567 --> 00:24:05,235
Valentine's is the worst!
642
00:24:05,527 --> 00:24:07,696
It's even worse than earth day.
643
00:24:07,988 --> 00:24:09,865
You just see so many
dirty feet in sandals.
644
00:24:10,157 --> 00:24:11,157
- I don't know, Liz.
645
00:24:11,241 --> 00:24:12,451
This could have been special.
646
00:24:12,743 --> 00:24:13,743
I had stuff planned.
647
00:24:13,911 --> 00:24:14,954
- No, you didn't.
648
00:24:15,245 --> 00:24:17,245
You wrote half a song,
and thought you'd "wing it,"
649
00:24:17,414 --> 00:24:18,534
like you do with everything.
650
00:24:18,666 --> 00:24:19,291
I mean, if you'd had a plan
651
00:24:19,583 --> 00:24:21,023
we wouldn't even
be in this hellhole.
652
00:24:21,085 --> 00:24:24,880
- Good, go wide with it. Go.
653
00:24:25,172 --> 00:24:26,298
- Oh, really?
654
00:24:26,590 --> 00:24:28,676
Well, how's your
super-planned life going, Liz?
655
00:24:28,968 --> 00:24:29,968
You're 40-something...
656
00:24:30,052 --> 00:24:31,428
- one! Come on, Criss.
657
00:24:31,720 --> 00:24:32,720
- You have no kids.
658
00:24:32,888 --> 00:24:33,597
The only thing you
like about your job
659
00:24:33,889 --> 00:24:35,307
is taking home free sodas.
660
00:24:35,599 --> 00:24:37,768
And you're attacking the
only good thing in your life
661
00:24:38,060 --> 00:24:39,100
because of a stupid table.
662
00:24:39,311 --> 00:24:40,479
- This isn't about the table.
663
00:24:40,771 --> 00:24:43,232
This is about you never
following through on anything,
664
00:24:43,524 --> 00:24:44,524
ever.
665
00:24:44,775 --> 00:24:46,002
It's why you didn't
finish law school,
666
00:24:46,026 --> 00:24:49,780
it's why you still aren't done
filling out your 2010 census.
667
00:24:50,072 --> 00:24:51,591
- Well what race am
I supposed to check?
668
00:24:51,615 --> 00:24:52,783
We all come from Africa.
669
00:24:53,075 --> 00:24:53,617
- You know what?
670
00:24:53,909 --> 00:24:55,285
Ikea tested us, we failed.
671
00:24:55,577 --> 00:24:56,286
Okay, just go.
672
00:24:56,578 --> 00:24:57,997
- That's a good idea.
673
00:24:59,248 --> 00:25:00,332
- We're done here.
674
00:25:00,624 --> 00:25:02,960
- Yeah, we are definitely done.
675
00:25:03,252 --> 00:25:04,420
- Thank you.
676
00:25:04,712 --> 00:25:06,964
That's why I get out of the
nidurgangur in the morning.
677
00:25:07,256 --> 00:25:10,050
It's one of our cheaper beds.
678
00:25:23,856 --> 00:25:25,524
- There you are.
679
00:25:25,816 --> 00:25:28,068
I think your break is
over, Ms. Wassername.
680
00:25:28,360 --> 00:25:31,321
- Did I make a mistake, Kenneth?
681
00:25:31,613 --> 00:25:32,948
- A big mistake.
682
00:25:33,240 --> 00:25:35,242
Tracy Jordan threw milk at you,
683
00:25:35,534 --> 00:25:38,537
and you didn't even thank him?
684
00:25:38,829 --> 00:25:40,140
How does that reflect
on the page program?
685
00:25:40,164 --> 00:25:42,458
And our mascot,
"pagey," a piece of paper.
686
00:25:42,750 --> 00:25:44,251
- Everyone here is awful.
687
00:25:44,543 --> 00:25:46,920
I need to be inspired.
688
00:25:47,212 --> 00:25:49,631
I came here to start
a glamorous new life.
689
00:25:49,923 --> 00:25:52,634
'Cause today,
anyone can be famous.
690
00:25:52,926 --> 00:25:54,928
I mean, look at Foxy Knoxy.
691
00:25:55,220 --> 00:25:58,390
What did she ever do
besides not kill anybody?
692
00:25:58,682 --> 00:26:00,350
So, why not me?
693
00:26:00,642 --> 00:26:01,769
I could have a fragrance,
694
00:26:02,061 --> 00:26:03,896
or a line of
children's handbags,
695
00:26:04,188 --> 00:26:07,191
or be in a reality show
with other kooky dumb sluts.
696
00:26:07,483 --> 00:26:09,318
- You don't think I have dreams?
697
00:26:09,610 --> 00:26:13,489
Last night, I dreamed
a baby ate my hair.
698
00:26:13,781 --> 00:26:17,534
But sometimes, you
have to start at the bottom.
699
00:26:17,826 --> 00:26:19,787
I'd like for you to
make a delivery for me.
700
00:26:20,079 --> 00:26:21,246
And, while you're out,
701
00:26:21,538 --> 00:26:23,540
think about how
your page underwear
702
00:26:23,832 --> 00:26:26,001
has been handed
down, page to page,
703
00:26:26,293 --> 00:26:28,545
for over 70 years.
704
00:26:39,723 --> 00:26:42,935
- So, do you like music?
- Yes.
705
00:26:43,227 --> 00:26:46,563
I have supported the
Baltimore philharmonic for years.
706
00:26:46,855 --> 00:26:50,317
These days, it's just a boom
box and a guy in a crab costume.
707
00:26:50,609 --> 00:26:52,369
He gets shot out of a
Cannon at ravens games.
708
00:26:52,569 --> 00:26:54,196
The city may not be thriving.
709
00:26:54,488 --> 00:26:55,781
- Well, it's not just Baltimore.
710
00:26:56,073 --> 00:26:57,825
We live in a benighted age.
711
00:26:58,117 --> 00:27:00,053
The last time I heard
classical music on television
712
00:27:00,077 --> 00:27:02,913
was schubert's final
sonata in a commercial.
713
00:27:03,205 --> 00:27:05,791
Now why would anyone
use music written by a man
714
00:27:06,083 --> 00:27:07,584
dying of syphilis
to sell douches.
715
00:27:07,876 --> 00:27:10,838
- Because people
are getting stupider.
716
00:27:11,130 --> 00:27:12,530
Think how much
schubert accomplished
717
00:27:12,798 --> 00:27:14,466
in the 31 years he was alive.
718
00:27:14,758 --> 00:27:15,467
- Coming through.
719
00:27:15,759 --> 00:27:18,554
- And then there's, uh,
720
00:27:18,846 --> 00:27:19,846
this guy.
721
00:27:20,013 --> 00:27:23,308
My taxes are paying
for your healthcare!
722
00:27:23,600 --> 00:27:25,018
Do a sit-up!
723
00:27:25,310 --> 00:27:30,023
- I really underestimated
you, Jack.
724
00:27:33,193 --> 00:27:36,113
- Maybe we
shouldn't talk at all.
725
00:27:44,037 --> 00:27:47,666
- How do you think
our boy's doing in there?
726
00:27:47,958 --> 00:27:49,543
- I guess it's been
a pretty rough week.
727
00:27:49,835 --> 00:27:52,629
Yesterday, I ate all the
cheese out of the mouse traps.
728
00:27:52,921 --> 00:27:58,177
Now, who'd like to continue
this magic over drinks?
729
00:27:59,803 --> 00:28:03,432
A cosmo's five points?
730
00:28:03,724 --> 00:28:05,309
Okay.
731
00:28:05,601 --> 00:28:06,643
All right.
732
00:28:10,480 --> 00:28:12,274
Hey, baby, what's wrong?
733
00:28:12,566 --> 00:28:13,751
- Nothing's wrong,
you think something's
734
00:28:13,775 --> 00:28:14,878
wrong with me?
What's wrong with you?
735
00:28:14,902 --> 00:28:16,987
- Um, didn't the white
lady just mess up your hair?
736
00:28:17,279 --> 00:28:19,698
- I work for the post office,
I was delivering a package.
737
00:28:19,990 --> 00:28:21,217
But you think my
hair's messed up?
738
00:28:21,241 --> 00:28:22,241
- No, I...
739
00:28:22,451 --> 00:28:23,761
- you're gonna tell me
about black lady hair,
740
00:28:23,785 --> 00:28:25,096
you "Louie
Anderson" little bitch?
741
00:28:25,120 --> 00:28:27,414
- Run! Run for your life!
742
00:28:37,090 --> 00:28:38,300
- Hi.
743
00:28:38,592 --> 00:28:39,301
Are you shopping for someone?
744
00:28:39,593 --> 00:28:40,593
- Um...
745
00:28:40,677 --> 00:28:41,917
- do you know what size she is?
746
00:28:42,095 --> 00:28:43,764
- No. I don't know. Maybe. No.
747
00:28:44,056 --> 00:28:46,350
- I see.
748
00:28:46,642 --> 00:28:47,642
It's okay.
749
00:28:47,809 --> 00:28:52,606
I have an uncle who uses
my discount here all the time.
750
00:28:54,524 --> 00:28:56,777
- I'll take it.
751
00:29:02,324 --> 00:29:02,950
- Okay, Jenna.
752
00:29:03,242 --> 00:29:05,619
I think I know what
your problem is.
753
00:29:05,911 --> 00:29:06,495
It's the "yips."
754
00:29:06,787 --> 00:29:08,027
- When will congress pass a law
755
00:29:08,247 --> 00:29:09,807
to get those bastards
out of our country?
756
00:29:09,831 --> 00:29:11,111
- No, no. The
"yips" is something
757
00:29:11,291 --> 00:29:12,000
that happens to athletes.
758
00:29:12,292 --> 00:29:13,293
They get in their heads,
759
00:29:13,585 --> 00:29:14,825
and stop being able to do stuff
760
00:29:15,003 --> 00:29:16,213
they've done a million times.
761
00:29:16,505 --> 00:29:18,799
- Like, bet me during a poker
game at Tony romo's house?
762
00:29:19,091 --> 00:29:21,468
- I know you don't
think it's mental, but it is.
763
00:29:21,760 --> 00:29:23,053
And, I get it.
764
00:29:23,345 --> 00:29:23,971
It's scary to admit...
765
00:29:24,263 --> 00:29:25,263
- how would you know?
766
00:29:25,514 --> 00:29:26,616
- Because it happened to me!
767
00:29:26,640 --> 00:29:28,350
I was the best they'd ever seen,
768
00:29:28,642 --> 00:29:29,642
and I blew it!
769
00:29:33,981 --> 00:29:37,317
- Peter Hornberger, a
shoo-in for this olympic squad,
770
00:29:37,609 --> 00:29:38,694
about to arch.
771
00:29:38,986 --> 00:29:40,004
You're going to want
to watch this, folks,
772
00:29:40,028 --> 00:29:42,030
so put down your rubik's cube,
773
00:29:42,322 --> 00:29:44,658
turn off that Yakov
Smirnoff standup tape,
774
00:29:44,950 --> 00:29:47,953
and set all your
swatches to right now.
775
00:29:48,245 --> 00:29:49,245
I've been shot!
776
00:29:49,496 --> 00:29:52,582
Someone run into town
and find a payphone!
777
00:29:52,874 --> 00:29:55,460
- This happened to you? We
have something in common?
778
00:29:55,752 --> 00:29:56,752
Ick.
779
00:29:57,004 --> 00:29:59,131
- Look, tonight is huge
for you, and for me.
780
00:29:59,423 --> 00:30:01,103
If this goes well, it
could get us both out
781
00:30:01,300 --> 00:30:02,300
of the late-night ghetto.
782
00:30:02,342 --> 00:30:03,552
Because you and me?
783
00:30:03,844 --> 00:30:04,511
We're prime-time, baby.
784
00:30:04,803 --> 00:30:06,305
- Fine, it's mental.
785
00:30:06,596 --> 00:30:07,596
I have the "yips."
786
00:30:07,806 --> 00:30:09,057
What am I supposed to do?
787
00:30:09,349 --> 00:30:10,749
- Okay, we don't
have a lot of time.
788
00:30:10,976 --> 00:30:13,395
So, maybe just by
acknowledging the problem,
789
00:30:13,687 --> 00:30:15,522
we fixed it?
790
00:30:15,814 --> 00:30:17,107
- I think we did.
791
00:30:17,399 --> 00:30:18,942
I'm cured!
792
00:30:25,866 --> 00:30:28,243
♪ Just you and I ♪
793
00:30:28,535 --> 00:30:29,535
It's worse.
794
00:30:29,661 --> 00:30:31,330
I can't open my mouth.
795
00:30:37,836 --> 00:30:39,314
Happy Valentine's
796
00:30:39,338 --> 00:30:40,756
to the two lovers.
797
00:30:41,048 --> 00:30:43,258
Come into my restaurant
for the romance.
798
00:30:43,550 --> 00:30:45,635
- Oh, no, no, no,
we're not together.
799
00:30:45,927 --> 00:30:47,220
- What?
800
00:30:47,512 --> 00:30:48,638
But, this is a crime.
801
00:30:48,930 --> 00:30:51,683
Such a beautiful,
age-appropriate couple.
802
00:30:51,975 --> 00:30:52,976
You are perfect together.
803
00:30:53,268 --> 00:30:55,103
You are like pasta, and a mouth.
804
00:30:55,395 --> 00:30:57,314
Do you not think
that she's beautiful?
805
00:30:57,606 --> 00:30:59,316
- Yes, empirically
she is attractive.
806
00:30:59,608 --> 00:31:02,402
- And is he not handsome,
with hair like black vermicelli?
807
00:31:02,694 --> 00:31:05,030
- Yes, he is handsome, but...
808
00:31:05,322 --> 00:31:08,241
- the only "but" we
speak of tonight,
809
00:31:08,533 --> 00:31:10,786
is the butt of the human ass.
810
00:31:11,078 --> 00:31:13,455
Valentine's, she
is a celebration
811
00:31:13,747 --> 00:31:15,957
of love, and sex,
812
00:31:16,249 --> 00:31:19,169
and touch.
813
00:31:19,461 --> 00:31:20,962
Come inside,
814
00:31:21,254 --> 00:31:24,633
and have the most
romantic notte of your lives.
815
00:31:24,925 --> 00:31:26,593
We have a unisex bathroom,
816
00:31:26,885 --> 00:31:28,387
with, come si dice,
817
00:31:28,678 --> 00:31:31,473
uh, no lock, and extra mirrors.
818
00:31:35,560 --> 00:31:36,621
- I have to go check on Liddy.
819
00:31:36,645 --> 00:31:39,106
- I have to go walk
around the park.
820
00:31:39,398 --> 00:31:42,734
Maybe forever.
821
00:31:47,823 --> 00:31:51,910
Darn it, what am I doing wrong?
822
00:31:52,202 --> 00:31:53,203
- This is it, Lutz.
823
00:31:53,495 --> 00:31:54,204
The Ikea parking lot.
824
00:31:54,496 --> 00:31:56,331
If you can't close
the deal here,
825
00:31:56,623 --> 00:31:57,290
you're on your own.
826
00:31:57,582 --> 00:31:58,250
- Back in the day, you
know how many women
827
00:31:58,542 --> 00:32:00,585
me and Lamar odom's
dad picked up here?
828
00:32:00,877 --> 00:32:03,130
And keep in mind, back
then this was a marsh,
829
00:32:03,422 --> 00:32:06,007
where people
came to shoot at fish.
830
00:32:06,299 --> 00:32:08,552
- There's your
low-hanging fruit.
831
00:32:08,844 --> 00:32:09,924
- We can teach you no more.
832
00:32:10,178 --> 00:32:12,806
Fly, Lutz, fly.
833
00:32:18,979 --> 00:32:20,647
- Hey, baby, what's wrong?
834
00:32:20,939 --> 00:32:22,274
- Lutz?
835
00:32:22,566 --> 00:32:23,566
- Mom-boss?
836
00:32:23,608 --> 00:32:24,608
- What are you doing?
837
00:32:24,734 --> 00:32:27,112
- Oh, my god,
Lutz just hit on Liz.
838
00:32:27,404 --> 00:32:28,447
- About time.
839
00:32:28,738 --> 00:32:31,032
The last six years has been
like watching moonlighting.
840
00:32:31,324 --> 00:32:32,868
- Hang on, were
you hitting on me?
841
00:32:33,160 --> 00:32:34,286
- I'm sorry.
842
00:32:34,578 --> 00:32:36,371
I just wanted to have
a nice Valentine's day,
843
00:32:36,663 --> 00:32:38,707
so Frank and Tracy
tried to help me out.
844
00:32:38,999 --> 00:32:39,999
But I keep screwing up.
845
00:32:40,250 --> 00:32:42,085
Every time I get a
good thing going,
846
00:32:42,377 --> 00:32:44,171
I do something
stupid and blow it.
847
00:32:44,463 --> 00:32:46,263
You want to know the
reason why Lutz is alone?
848
00:32:46,381 --> 00:32:47,381
Lutz!
849
00:32:47,632 --> 00:32:48,792
And Dollhouse penis syndrome.
850
00:32:49,009 --> 00:32:50,427
- Oh, my god.
851
00:32:50,719 --> 00:32:51,970
I'm female Lutz.
852
00:32:52,262 --> 00:32:52,929
- I love you too.
853
00:32:53,221 --> 00:32:54,389
- No, I mean...
854
00:32:54,681 --> 00:32:55,974
I'm my own worst enemy.
855
00:32:56,266 --> 00:32:58,101
Do you want to know
the reason Liz is alone?
856
00:32:58,393 --> 00:32:59,436
Liz.
857
00:32:59,728 --> 00:33:01,771
Also I menstruate a lot.
858
00:33:02,063 --> 00:33:04,441
Oh, god, does this
mean I have to change?
859
00:33:04,733 --> 00:33:07,486
Oh, I have to go back
and be the bigger person?
860
00:33:09,738 --> 00:33:12,282
What if Criss already left
and I have to go find him?
861
00:33:12,574 --> 00:33:15,452
It's so cold.
862
00:33:15,744 --> 00:33:18,622
Oh, realizations are the worst.
863
00:33:32,636 --> 00:33:34,846
- Excuse me, are
you Jenna Maroney?
864
00:33:35,138 --> 00:33:37,641
- Oh, my goodness,
are these for me?
865
00:33:37,933 --> 00:33:38,934
- Yes.
866
00:33:39,226 --> 00:33:39,893
For your grave.
867
00:33:40,185 --> 00:33:43,271
I hope you die
out there tonight.
868
00:33:47,526 --> 00:33:49,778
- Dude, that was a disaster.
869
00:33:50,070 --> 00:33:51,655
- Worse than me
trying to send a fax.
870
00:33:51,947 --> 00:33:53,782
- 50 straight
Valentine's days alone.
871
00:33:54,074 --> 00:33:55,367
I mean, 48.
872
00:33:55,659 --> 00:33:56,659
- Are you crazy?
873
00:33:56,868 --> 00:33:57,577
You're not alone.
874
00:33:57,869 --> 00:33:59,412
You spent Valentine's with us.
875
00:33:59,704 --> 00:34:01,122
- Yeah, two people
who care enough
876
00:34:01,414 --> 00:34:02,624
about your sexual needs
877
00:34:02,916 --> 00:34:05,502
to blow off their
wives and girlfriends.
878
00:34:05,794 --> 00:34:07,963
Oh, no.
- Uh-oh.
879
00:34:08,255 --> 00:34:09,315
Right now, Angie's
in a hotel room
880
00:34:09,339 --> 00:34:10,590
dressed as a clown.
881
00:34:10,882 --> 00:34:12,762
And I'm supposed to get
into an elephant costume
882
00:34:12,926 --> 00:34:15,095
and interview her
for a job at the circus.
883
00:34:15,387 --> 00:34:17,973
- I spent Valentine's
day with friends.
884
00:34:18,265 --> 00:34:18,682
- Friends?
885
00:34:18,974 --> 00:34:20,976
We are work
acquaintances at best.
886
00:34:21,268 --> 00:34:22,602
At worst, we are rivals
887
00:34:22,894 --> 00:34:26,565
who inspire and try to
make each other better.
888
00:34:26,856 --> 00:34:28,296
Now let's go get
some tiny meatballs.
889
00:34:28,358 --> 00:34:30,402
Meatballs, here we come!
890
00:34:30,694 --> 00:34:31,820
Meatballs!
891
00:34:32,112 --> 00:34:35,156
Pick up your phone, Criss.
892
00:34:35,448 --> 00:34:36,449
Jack, I can't talk.
893
00:34:36,741 --> 00:34:37,927
I am mentally
writing an apology,
894
00:34:37,951 --> 00:34:38,970
and it's giving me
a tension headache,
895
00:34:38,994 --> 00:34:40,328
and I am so cold!
896
00:34:40,620 --> 00:34:42,622
- I want to have sex
with Avery's mother.
897
00:34:42,914 --> 00:34:43,915
- No! You can't do that.
898
00:34:44,207 --> 00:34:45,207
- I know.
899
00:34:45,250 --> 00:34:46,626
And maybe it's
just the loneliness,
900
00:34:46,918 --> 00:34:47,918
and the frustration,
901
00:34:47,961 --> 00:34:49,021
and stupid Valentine's day.
902
00:34:49,045 --> 00:34:50,880
But she's amazing.
903
00:34:51,172 --> 00:34:52,858
And come on, didn't our
friends the ancient Olmecs
904
00:34:52,882 --> 00:34:55,343
bed both mother and daughter
to satisfy their Jaguar gods?
905
00:34:55,635 --> 00:34:58,680
And everybody loves them.
- Jack, listen to me.
906
00:34:58,972 --> 00:35:00,807
That is wrong on so many levels.
907
00:35:01,099 --> 00:35:02,517
You can never sleep with her,
908
00:35:02,809 --> 00:35:05,353
never, never, ever, ever...
909
00:35:05,645 --> 00:35:10,525
Never, ever, ever.
Never, ever, ever, ever!
910
00:35:10,817 --> 00:35:11,817
- I get it, Lemon.
911
00:35:11,985 --> 00:35:12,985
Thank you.
912
00:35:13,028 --> 00:35:14,755
Just hearing your
labored breathing while you
913
00:35:14,779 --> 00:35:17,574
walk up stairs has purged
me of all sexual desire.
914
00:35:17,866 --> 00:35:19,159
- Yeah, well, glad I could help.
915
00:35:19,451 --> 00:35:20,886
Now, if you'll excuse
me, I need to clean up
916
00:35:20,910 --> 00:35:21,971
the mess I made here with...
917
00:35:21,995 --> 00:35:23,079
Criss.
918
00:35:23,371 --> 00:35:24,371
You're still here.
919
00:35:24,623 --> 00:35:28,543
I tried to call you.
920
00:35:28,835 --> 00:35:31,046
- 20 missed calls? How did...
921
00:35:31,338 --> 00:35:32,505
Right.
922
00:35:32,797 --> 00:35:34,549
My ringtone is the
sounds of cooking.
923
00:35:34,841 --> 00:35:36,441
Which is perfect,
because I love cooking.
924
00:35:36,551 --> 00:35:37,551
But when I'm cooking...
925
00:35:37,677 --> 00:35:38,677
- Lemon, please hang up,
926
00:35:38,762 --> 00:35:40,122
I can't listen to
any more of this.
927
00:35:40,263 --> 00:35:43,725
- Oh, yeah. Look...
928
00:35:44,017 --> 00:35:46,478
I was planning on
saying "it was my fault,"
929
00:35:46,770 --> 00:35:48,772
and, "please, let's
get back together."
930
00:35:49,064 --> 00:35:50,857
But, it doesn't
look like I need to.
931
00:35:51,149 --> 00:35:53,151
- What do you mean,
"get back together"?
932
00:35:53,443 --> 00:35:54,962
You thought we broke
up because of that fight?
933
00:35:54,986 --> 00:35:56,488
No, that would be idiotic.
934
00:35:56,780 --> 00:35:58,174
You wanted a table,
I wasn't super-helpful.
935
00:35:58,198 --> 00:36:00,909
Who cares?
- I tend to care, you know...
936
00:36:01,201 --> 00:36:02,744
I let little things ruin stuff.
937
00:36:03,036 --> 00:36:05,196
I mean, I stopped shopping
at Kmart because I found out
938
00:36:05,246 --> 00:36:08,917
that Kathy Ireland didn't design
any of her signature socks.
939
00:36:09,209 --> 00:36:10,835
But maybe, after 40 years...
940
00:36:11,127 --> 00:36:11,544
- 41.
941
00:36:11,836 --> 00:36:12,545
- I can change.
- Eh, don't bother.
942
00:36:12,837 --> 00:36:15,048
You can get mad at dumb
stuff. That's your thing.
943
00:36:15,340 --> 00:36:16,841
I'll get over it.
That's my thing.
944
00:36:17,133 --> 00:36:18,301
It's kind of perfect.
945
00:36:18,593 --> 00:36:20,153
- But how are we
ever going to break up?
946
00:36:20,178 --> 00:36:21,721
- I don't know,
maybe we never will.
947
00:36:22,013 --> 00:36:24,557
Maybe we'll still be
celebrating Valentine's together
948
00:36:24,849 --> 00:36:26,184
100 years from now.
949
00:36:26,476 --> 00:36:28,812
- Do you think our ape
overlords will let us?
950
00:36:29,104 --> 00:36:31,731
- Oh, they'll let you and
me do whatever we want,
951
00:36:32,023 --> 00:36:33,983
because we'll be spying
on the rest of humanity
952
00:36:34,275 --> 00:36:36,778
for the ape police.
953
00:36:37,070 --> 00:36:38,738
- Wait, where did
you get a table?
954
00:36:39,030 --> 00:36:40,030
- I made it.
955
00:36:40,073 --> 00:36:43,368
I gathered fallen tree
branches from riverside park.
956
00:36:43,660 --> 00:36:44,780
- That's where we first met.
957
00:36:44,953 --> 00:36:46,633
- Yeah. And the top is
a Herman Cain poster
958
00:36:46,746 --> 00:36:48,039
I found in a dumpster.
959
00:36:48,331 --> 00:36:49,916
- Aw.
960
00:36:50,208 --> 00:36:51,376
- Excuse me?
961
00:36:51,668 --> 00:36:53,169
I have a package for Liz Lemon.
962
00:36:53,461 --> 00:36:54,461
- Oh, sure, come in.
963
00:36:54,713 --> 00:36:57,382
- You're the head writer of TGS?
964
00:36:57,674 --> 00:36:59,092
But you're so beautiful.
965
00:36:59,384 --> 00:37:00,468
- Charlie what now?
966
00:37:00,760 --> 00:37:01,760
- I love your Brown hair.
967
00:37:02,011 --> 00:37:05,223
It's so bouncy, like the
"after" picture in a lice ad.
968
00:37:05,515 --> 00:37:06,141
- Thank you.
969
00:37:06,433 --> 00:37:08,893
It's from intermittent washing.
970
00:37:09,185 --> 00:37:10,185
- And you own this place?
971
00:37:10,270 --> 00:37:11,646
- Yeah.
972
00:37:11,938 --> 00:37:13,898
- Holy moly, there's stairs?
973
00:37:14,190 --> 00:37:15,734
And a dining room table?
974
00:37:16,025 --> 00:37:18,403
Is this your boyfriend?
975
00:37:18,695 --> 00:37:20,363
- Yeah. He made me dinner.
976
00:37:20,655 --> 00:37:22,824
- Mashed potatoes
in a Martini glass.
977
00:37:23,116 --> 00:37:24,701
Who are you, the president?
978
00:37:24,993 --> 00:37:25,993
Of France?
979
00:37:26,161 --> 00:37:27,245
- I know, right?
980
00:37:27,537 --> 00:37:29,622
- You are an
inspiration, Liz Lemon.
981
00:37:29,914 --> 00:37:31,291
- I am an inspiration.
982
00:37:31,583 --> 00:37:33,334
- I'll see you at work tomorrow.
983
00:37:33,626 --> 00:37:34,627
Happy Valentine's day.
984
00:37:34,919 --> 00:37:35,628
- You too.
985
00:37:35,920 --> 00:37:38,465
- I want your life.
986
00:37:38,757 --> 00:37:41,217
And I will have it.
987
00:37:41,509 --> 00:37:42,509
- I like her.
988
00:37:42,761 --> 00:37:44,679
- 45 seconds.
- Jenna.
989
00:37:44,971 --> 00:37:46,055
- This is a nightmare.
990
00:37:46,347 --> 00:37:48,683
My nemeses, Abigail
breslin and the woman
991
00:37:48,975 --> 00:37:49,642
from those progressive
insurance commercials,
992
00:37:49,934 --> 00:37:50,935
are in the audience.
993
00:37:51,227 --> 00:37:52,854
- Just, relax... panic, don't.
994
00:37:53,146 --> 00:37:54,647
- You failed me, Pete.
995
00:37:54,939 --> 00:37:56,292
And when I go down,
I'm taking you with me.
996
00:37:56,316 --> 00:37:57,316
You'll never work again.
997
00:37:57,442 --> 00:37:58,610
- But I have five kids.
998
00:37:58,902 --> 00:38:00,129
And grandkids
can't be far behind,
999
00:38:00,153 --> 00:38:01,193
little Evelyn's so sexual.
1000
00:38:01,446 --> 00:38:02,614
- 30 seconds.
1001
00:38:12,415 --> 00:38:13,958
- These shoes hurt, mommy.
1002
00:38:14,250 --> 00:38:15,269
- Good. Focus on the pain,
1003
00:38:15,293 --> 00:38:16,628
not on the fact
that if you lose,
1004
00:38:16,920 --> 00:38:18,838
I'm gonna pour
acid on your Barbies.
1005
00:38:19,130 --> 00:38:21,174
Okay, come on.
1006
00:38:22,926 --> 00:38:25,637
- Huh.
1007
00:38:25,929 --> 00:38:27,305
The shoes.
1008
00:38:27,597 --> 00:38:29,974
The fire.
1009
00:38:30,266 --> 00:38:31,266
The sword.
1010
00:38:31,976 --> 00:38:32,519
It's the pain.
1011
00:38:32,811 --> 00:38:35,939
She needs the
pain to distract her.
1012
00:38:39,567 --> 00:38:40,567
I need to hurt her,
1013
00:38:40,693 --> 00:38:41,879
but she's all the
way over there.
1014
00:38:41,903 --> 00:38:42,946
How could I possib...
1015
00:38:46,115 --> 00:38:49,327
♪ ♪
1016
00:38:49,619 --> 00:38:52,080
Come on, Hornberger.
1017
00:38:52,372 --> 00:38:54,249
Archer...
1018
00:38:54,541 --> 00:38:56,501
Arch!
1019
00:38:57,919 --> 00:39:01,047
- ♪ Just you and I ♪
1020
00:39:04,050 --> 00:39:09,430
♪ sharing our love together ♪
1021
00:39:09,722 --> 00:39:14,769
♪ and I know in time ♪
1022
00:39:15,061 --> 00:39:19,482
♪ we'll build the
dreams we treasure ♪
1023
00:39:19,774 --> 00:39:22,735
- Is she bleeding?
1024
00:39:23,027 --> 00:39:24,779
It looks like an arrow wound.
1025
00:39:30,660 --> 00:39:31,744
- Oh, Jack.
1026
00:39:32,036 --> 00:39:33,997
I didn't know you'd
be down here.
1027
00:39:34,289 --> 00:39:36,457
- Oh, nice place.
1028
00:39:36,749 --> 00:39:38,109
What did you pay
for all this wood?
1029
00:39:38,376 --> 00:39:39,496
- I don't believe we've met.
1030
00:39:39,752 --> 00:39:42,755
- Jack, this is...
1031
00:39:43,047 --> 00:39:45,800
Someone I saw fighting with
a dog outside a liquor store.
1032
00:39:46,092 --> 00:39:47,092
- I'm Herb.
1033
00:39:47,176 --> 00:39:49,929
'Cause you are what
you smoke, right "Jackie"?
1034
00:39:50,221 --> 00:39:50,847
Hey, where's the head?
1035
00:39:51,139 --> 00:39:52,390
We're in mixed company,
1036
00:39:52,682 --> 00:39:54,493
but let's just say I've got
to go wreck your toilet.
1037
00:39:54,517 --> 00:39:56,397
- It's down that hallway
on the right-hand side.
1038
00:39:56,561 --> 00:40:00,440
- Mm.
1039
00:40:00,732 --> 00:40:01,732
- Diana, don't do this.
1040
00:40:01,774 --> 00:40:03,234
- I'm lonely, Jack.
1041
00:40:03,526 --> 00:40:04,611
- So am I.
1042
00:40:04,903 --> 00:40:06,571
Believe me, I know how you feel.
1043
00:40:06,863 --> 00:40:08,948
Being alone on Valentine's day,
1044
00:40:09,240 --> 00:40:10,950
frustrated in all kinds of ways.
1045
00:40:11,242 --> 00:40:12,994
Just wanting a connection,
1046
00:40:13,286 --> 00:40:14,871
to hold someone's hand.
1047
00:40:15,163 --> 00:40:18,791
Ideally when she's
wearing only a necktie.
1048
00:40:19,083 --> 00:40:20,376
But you deserve
better than Herb.
1049
00:40:20,668 --> 00:40:23,963
- Why is this bathroom
full of wine bottles?
1050
00:40:24,255 --> 00:40:27,926
- But what I deserve,
I shouldn't have.
1051
00:40:28,217 --> 00:40:29,217
- Me neither.
1052
00:40:29,344 --> 00:40:34,182
- So, what are we
going to do about it?
1053
00:40:34,474 --> 00:40:36,225
Oh, baby.
- Oh, yes.
1054
00:40:36,517 --> 00:40:37,143
- Yes! Oh, that's good.
1055
00:40:37,435 --> 00:40:38,978
- Oh, yes.
- Oh, yeah, don't stop.
1056
00:40:39,270 --> 00:40:40,915
- Oh, just like that.
- Oh, yeah, but a little lower.
1057
00:40:40,939 --> 00:40:41,939
- Yes!
- Yeah, baby!
1058
00:40:42,190 --> 00:40:45,443
- Oh. Oh, yeah!
- Oh!
1059
00:40:45,735 --> 00:40:47,904
- Nope, nope.
- Let me have one.
1060
00:40:48,196 --> 00:40:50,823
- Give it to him, Frank.
Give it to him, we're friends.
1061
00:40:51,115 --> 00:40:54,744
You can have one of mine.
1062
00:40:55,036 --> 00:40:59,040
- ♪ And I remember ♪
1063
00:40:59,332 --> 00:41:03,711
♪ our first embrace ♪
1064
00:41:04,003 --> 00:41:09,342
- ♪ that smile that
was on your face ♪
1065
00:41:09,634 --> 00:41:15,014
Both: ♪ promises that we made ♪
1066
00:41:15,306 --> 00:41:19,227
♪ ooh ♪
1067
00:41:21,646 --> 00:41:27,443
- ♪ we made it you and I ♪
1068
00:41:34,367 --> 00:41:36,577
- Finally, I can say,
1069
00:41:36,869 --> 00:41:37,869
happy valen...
1070
00:41:37,996 --> 00:41:41,165
Ow! My legs!
1071
00:41:41,457 --> 00:41:43,918
Liz: This gets me out of sex.
1072
00:41:51,926 --> 00:41:53,761
- Oh, my god, Liz.
1073
00:41:54,053 --> 00:41:56,806
We're wearing the
exact same lipstick.
1074
00:41:57,098 --> 00:41:59,434
Looks better on you, of course.
1075
00:41:59,726 --> 00:42:02,228
I wish I could just cut those
lips right off and wear them.
1076
00:42:06,315 --> 00:42:09,777
Happy Valentine's day, lovers.
1077
00:42:10,069 --> 00:42:12,822
Happy Valentine's day to us all.
1078
00:42:13,114 --> 00:42:14,323
Oh.