1 00:00:04,630 --> 00:00:05,339 - Hey, Liz. 2 00:00:05,631 --> 00:00:06,298 Package for you. 3 00:00:06,590 --> 00:00:10,469 - ♪ My trio of popcorns ♪ 4 00:00:14,348 --> 00:00:15,348 Simon? 5 00:00:15,474 --> 00:00:16,850 - Sorry, Liz. 6 00:00:19,561 --> 00:00:21,271 I had no other way into the building. 7 00:00:21,563 --> 00:00:22,603 And I lost all my contacts 8 00:00:22,773 --> 00:00:24,933 after I dropped my cell phone into the penguin exhibit. 9 00:00:25,108 --> 00:00:25,776 Yeah. 10 00:00:26,068 --> 00:00:27,903 I had my birthday at the aquarium. 11 00:00:28,195 --> 00:00:29,195 - What do you want? 12 00:00:29,238 --> 00:00:30,864 You're not my agent anymore. 13 00:00:31,156 --> 00:00:32,342 - Oh, I'm still getting your business mail 14 00:00:32,366 --> 00:00:32,991 at my parents' house. 15 00:00:33,283 --> 00:00:35,283 Your contract's almost up, and Mr. Donaghy's office 16 00:00:35,536 --> 00:00:37,055 sent over that new one for you to sign. 17 00:00:37,079 --> 00:00:39,206 - I'm not just gonna sign whatever Jack sends me. 18 00:00:39,498 --> 00:00:40,498 That's insulting. 19 00:00:40,707 --> 00:00:41,851 We haven't even talked about this. 20 00:00:41,875 --> 00:00:44,294 - Well, I am the King of renegotiation. 21 00:00:44,586 --> 00:00:46,088 You watch the wonder pets on Nick Jr.? 22 00:00:46,380 --> 00:00:48,924 I represent the turtle that tuck is based on. 23 00:00:49,216 --> 00:00:49,925 - Yeah. No, thanks. 24 00:00:50,217 --> 00:00:52,553 I will deal with this myself. 25 00:00:52,844 --> 00:00:54,072 - Did you miss me yesterday, Ms. Lemon? 26 00:00:54,096 --> 00:00:57,558 - Awesome, great story. 27 00:00:57,849 --> 00:00:59,017 - So, Ms. Maroney, 28 00:00:59,309 --> 00:01:00,018 did you miss me while I was gone yesterday? 29 00:01:00,310 --> 00:01:01,310 - You weren't gone. 30 00:01:01,353 --> 00:01:03,105 I saw you. 31 00:01:03,397 --> 00:01:05,232 Kenneth! Just move. 32 00:01:06,692 --> 00:01:07,901 - No... 33 00:01:08,193 --> 00:01:10,237 Mr. Donaghy fired all the pages for a day. 34 00:01:10,529 --> 00:01:12,329 Didn't you notice your food wasn't pre-chewed? 35 00:01:12,531 --> 00:01:13,991 - J-Mo, Marty Goldstein 36 00:01:14,283 --> 00:01:15,468 is your accountant too, right? 37 00:01:15,492 --> 00:01:16,612 I owe him a call. 38 00:01:16,743 --> 00:01:17,823 I bet he's going to tell me 39 00:01:17,995 --> 00:01:19,264 I can't write off all my shoplifting. 40 00:01:19,288 --> 00:01:20,288 - No. 41 00:01:20,414 --> 00:01:22,583 He's calling you about his son's Bar Mitzvah. 42 00:01:22,874 --> 00:01:25,002 Marty wants to pay us crazy money just to show up. 43 00:01:25,294 --> 00:01:26,294 - Well, you know I'm in. 44 00:01:26,503 --> 00:01:28,714 Getting paid to help a boy become a man 45 00:01:29,006 --> 00:01:31,883 is kind of my wheelhouse. 46 00:01:32,175 --> 00:01:34,344 - Hey, I have a bone to pick with you. 47 00:01:34,636 --> 00:01:35,178 - Look at this, Lemon. 48 00:01:35,470 --> 00:01:37,347 The Pentagon has hired ge 49 00:01:37,639 --> 00:01:38,959 to weaponize microwave technology. 50 00:01:46,398 --> 00:01:47,398 This is amazing. 51 00:01:47,441 --> 00:01:48,734 That was my old division. 52 00:01:49,026 --> 00:01:50,152 If I were still there, 53 00:01:50,444 --> 00:01:51,838 I would've controlled every aspect of that project. 54 00:01:51,862 --> 00:01:52,862 Planning, oversight, 55 00:01:53,071 --> 00:01:55,032 morale-boosting t-shirts indicating 56 00:01:55,324 --> 00:01:56,844 everyone "survived" a certain barbecue. 57 00:01:56,950 --> 00:01:59,661 There's nothing to challenge me here at Kabletown. 58 00:01:59,953 --> 00:02:01,393 Lemon, when was the last time I said, 59 00:02:01,538 --> 00:02:02,998 "no, senator, you're out of order"? 60 00:02:03,290 --> 00:02:03,999 - Well, I've got something for you to do. 61 00:02:04,291 --> 00:02:06,752 You honestly thought I would just sign 62 00:02:07,044 --> 00:02:08,462 the same deal I got six years ago? 63 00:02:08,754 --> 00:02:10,839 - Well, what would we negotiate about, Lemon? 64 00:02:11,131 --> 00:02:11,548 What do you even want? 65 00:02:11,840 --> 00:02:13,008 - Well, for starters, 66 00:02:13,300 --> 00:02:14,900 I would like a hospital bed in my office. 67 00:02:15,010 --> 00:02:16,010 A real one. 68 00:02:16,219 --> 00:02:16,928 I don't care if it's against the law 69 00:02:17,220 --> 00:02:17,929 to resell them. 70 00:02:18,221 --> 00:02:18,889 - Oh, my god. 71 00:02:19,181 --> 00:02:20,474 How far I've fallen. 72 00:02:20,766 --> 00:02:21,892 I used to be a legend. 73 00:02:22,184 --> 00:02:23,784 When there was a deal no one could close, 74 00:02:23,977 --> 00:02:24,603 they brought in Donaghy. 75 00:02:24,895 --> 00:02:26,271 So it's agreed. 76 00:02:26,563 --> 00:02:28,403 You'll be moving forward with this partnership. 77 00:02:30,442 --> 00:02:31,985 - You know what, I'm insulted 78 00:02:32,277 --> 00:02:33,963 that you think it's beneath you to negotiate with me. 79 00:02:33,987 --> 00:02:35,614 Without me, there's no "TGS," 80 00:02:35,906 --> 00:02:37,824 so like it or not, we're getting into this. 81 00:02:38,116 --> 00:02:39,826 Call my assistant to set up a meeting. 82 00:02:40,118 --> 00:02:41,161 - And by your "assistant," 83 00:02:41,453 --> 00:02:43,372 you mean you with a British accent? 84 00:02:43,664 --> 00:02:44,664 - I have a new assistant. 85 00:02:44,748 --> 00:02:46,833 She's a cool college student from... 86 00:02:47,125 --> 00:02:48,460 South Africa. 87 00:02:48,752 --> 00:02:49,752 Yeah, she'll be British. 88 00:02:53,173 --> 00:03:01,056 ♪ ♪ 89 00:03:12,317 --> 00:03:13,902 - Uh, hello? I'm back. 90 00:03:14,194 --> 00:03:15,474 - What do you mean "you're back"? 91 00:03:15,529 --> 00:03:17,698 - I wasn't here yesterday. 92 00:03:17,989 --> 00:03:18,573 - Yes, you were. 93 00:03:18,865 --> 00:03:20,145 You were in the kitchen all day. 94 00:03:20,367 --> 00:03:23,578 Right over... oh, that's a broom. 95 00:03:23,870 --> 00:03:27,666 - I know my job is to serve you all, 96 00:03:27,958 --> 00:03:29,751 but I thought that after six years, 97 00:03:30,043 --> 00:03:31,229 you at least thought of me the way 98 00:03:31,253 --> 00:03:33,046 an owner thinks of his dog. 99 00:03:33,338 --> 00:03:34,631 - Kenneth, look... - No, sir! 100 00:03:34,923 --> 00:03:36,683 I am using my once-in-a-lifetime interruption 101 00:03:36,883 --> 00:03:40,095 to point out I am not even a dog to you. 102 00:03:40,387 --> 00:03:41,747 After all, when a dog goes missing, 103 00:03:41,805 --> 00:03:44,141 everyone's upset 'cause there's no dog milk 104 00:03:44,433 --> 00:03:48,228 for the babies. 105 00:03:48,520 --> 00:03:50,564 - Jack wants a real negotiation? 106 00:03:50,856 --> 00:03:53,358 Well, I want a piece of the "TGS" merchandising. 107 00:03:53,650 --> 00:03:55,944 The catchphrase, "this smells," 108 00:03:56,236 --> 00:03:57,236 I wrote that. 109 00:03:57,404 --> 00:03:58,530 And when 20 cult members 110 00:03:58,822 --> 00:04:01,450 jump off a bridge together wearing "this smells" t-shirts, 111 00:04:01,742 --> 00:04:03,410 I should get a cut of that sale. 112 00:04:03,702 --> 00:04:06,955 - Merchandising. That's smart. 113 00:04:07,247 --> 00:04:07,873 Here's the plan. 114 00:04:08,165 --> 00:04:11,042 I need to find a bathroom. 115 00:04:22,679 --> 00:04:24,389 Oh, it's on, Donaghy. 116 00:04:30,187 --> 00:04:31,813 - Here they are! 117 00:04:32,105 --> 00:04:33,607 My favorite clients. 118 00:04:33,899 --> 00:04:35,779 Adam is going to be so excited to meet with you. 119 00:04:35,859 --> 00:04:37,527 He is a huge, huge fan. 120 00:04:37,819 --> 00:04:40,113 - Yes, many of our viewers are obese. 121 00:04:40,405 --> 00:04:42,741 - Now Marty, how Jewish is everyone here? 122 00:04:43,033 --> 00:04:44,753 'Cause I may need to change parts of my act. 123 00:04:44,993 --> 00:04:47,078 - These are the best clients you could get? 124 00:04:47,370 --> 00:04:48,872 Don't you represent Gina gershon? 125 00:04:49,164 --> 00:04:50,204 - My Nemesis? - My Nemesis? 126 00:04:50,373 --> 00:04:51,082 - Adam. 127 00:04:51,374 --> 00:04:52,667 You said you loved "TGS." 128 00:04:52,959 --> 00:04:54,294 - I was being sarcastic. 129 00:04:54,586 --> 00:04:56,087 God, I told mom I wanted 130 00:04:56,379 --> 00:04:58,381 a transformer's theme for Bar Mitzvah. 131 00:04:58,673 --> 00:05:00,592 You know, this sucks. I hate you. 132 00:05:00,884 --> 00:05:02,385 - Son... 133 00:05:02,677 --> 00:05:04,054 - okay. 134 00:05:04,346 --> 00:05:05,013 We're going to go. 135 00:05:05,305 --> 00:05:06,014 Don't worry about the fee. 136 00:05:06,306 --> 00:05:07,408 You can just give it to us now. 137 00:05:07,432 --> 00:05:08,701 - Oh, no. You're not going anywhere. 138 00:05:08,725 --> 00:05:09,885 If my boy wants transformers, 139 00:05:10,060 --> 00:05:11,220 you're gonna be transformers. 140 00:05:11,269 --> 00:05:12,687 - I don't think so, Marty. 141 00:05:12,979 --> 00:05:14,123 - If you don't help me out here, 142 00:05:14,147 --> 00:05:16,900 maybe the IRS finds out that your nine dependents 143 00:05:17,192 --> 00:05:18,192 are just vibrators. 144 00:05:18,318 --> 00:05:20,028 And Tracy, I'd hate for people to realize 145 00:05:20,320 --> 00:05:21,988 that your "charity" is just a front 146 00:05:22,280 --> 00:05:24,866 that has done nothing to make this country safer 147 00:05:25,158 --> 00:05:26,201 from Godzilla attacks. 148 00:05:26,493 --> 00:05:30,622 - If anything, I've increased the likelihood. 149 00:05:31,748 --> 00:05:33,792 - Hey, Kenneth. 150 00:05:34,084 --> 00:05:35,293 - No, I'm not Kenneth. 151 00:05:35,585 --> 00:05:37,546 But he told me all about you guys. 152 00:05:37,838 --> 00:05:39,381 Let me guess who's who. 153 00:05:39,673 --> 00:05:41,591 You must be Toofer. 154 00:05:41,883 --> 00:05:42,968 - I'm sorry, who are you? 155 00:05:43,260 --> 00:05:44,420 I was asking myself 156 00:05:44,511 --> 00:05:45,679 that same question. 157 00:05:45,971 --> 00:05:47,597 And I did not like the answer. 158 00:05:47,889 --> 00:05:48,974 So I made a change. 159 00:05:49,266 --> 00:05:51,309 I'm Hazel Wassername, and yes, 160 00:05:51,601 --> 00:05:53,854 you may recognize me from one of my two 161 00:05:54,145 --> 00:05:55,522 background acting gigs. 162 00:05:55,814 --> 00:05:57,816 - Dr. Lingard, yesterday, 163 00:05:58,108 --> 00:06:01,152 we heard your daughter take full responsibility 164 00:06:01,444 --> 00:06:03,238 for her roles in these crimes. 165 00:06:03,530 --> 00:06:04,530 - Where's Kenneth? 166 00:06:04,739 --> 00:06:06,491 - He took my spot at the Suze Orman show. 167 00:06:07,742 --> 00:06:08,451 What a first day. 168 00:06:08,743 --> 00:06:10,620 But you got to roll with the punches. 169 00:06:10,912 --> 00:06:14,040 Just like my hero, Ivan Drago, from rocky iv. 170 00:06:14,332 --> 00:06:15,709 - This is pathetic. 171 00:06:16,001 --> 00:06:17,921 Kenneth's trying to make us beg him to come back. 172 00:06:18,128 --> 00:06:19,671 - Well, we are not doing that. 173 00:06:19,963 --> 00:06:21,148 I've learned from having children 174 00:06:21,172 --> 00:06:23,717 that when your kid throws a tantrum and holds his breath, 175 00:06:24,009 --> 00:06:25,009 you hold your breath too. 176 00:06:25,176 --> 00:06:26,720 When you regain consciousness, 177 00:06:27,012 --> 00:06:30,265 believe me, he's ready to leave the toy store. 178 00:06:30,557 --> 00:06:34,519 - Finally, my client gets 5% gross merchandising, 179 00:06:34,811 --> 00:06:37,397 where gross means income before expenses 180 00:06:37,689 --> 00:06:40,066 and not gross like apples on a sandwich. 181 00:06:40,358 --> 00:06:42,003 - 2% salary decrease to keep up with deflation... 182 00:06:42,027 --> 00:06:42,694 Thank Obama... 183 00:06:42,986 --> 00:06:46,323 And merchandising is a... 184 00:06:46,615 --> 00:06:47,615 Nonstarter. 185 00:06:47,824 --> 00:06:48,491 - This meeting is over. 186 00:06:48,783 --> 00:06:49,993 When you have a serious offer, 187 00:06:50,285 --> 00:06:52,829 email me at tatertotfreak@hotmail.Com. 188 00:06:53,121 --> 00:06:54,801 From now on, you can deal with me directly. 189 00:06:54,873 --> 00:06:55,873 Simon, you're fired. 190 00:06:55,916 --> 00:06:57,250 - Where did that come from? 191 00:06:57,542 --> 00:06:58,728 Are you being coached? Is it Pat Riley? 192 00:06:58,752 --> 00:07:00,112 Tell him the funmeister says, "hi." 193 00:07:00,253 --> 00:07:01,333 He'll know what that means. 194 00:07:01,379 --> 00:07:02,380 - No one's helping me. 195 00:07:02,672 --> 00:07:04,400 Maybe you just weren't giving me enough credit 196 00:07:04,424 --> 00:07:07,052 when you said this was beneath you. 197 00:07:07,344 --> 00:07:09,137 - Surprise. 198 00:07:09,429 --> 00:07:11,306 That's what the Donaghy method is all about. 199 00:07:11,598 --> 00:07:13,391 Use my techniques and I don't care 200 00:07:13,683 --> 00:07:16,269 who you're negotiating against. 201 00:07:16,561 --> 00:07:17,270 You'll win. 202 00:07:17,562 --> 00:07:18,762 - I'm negotiating against you, 203 00:07:19,022 --> 00:07:20,732 you magnificent bastard. 204 00:07:21,024 --> 00:07:23,109 You. 205 00:07:25,111 --> 00:07:27,113 Shia LaBeouf is in trouble. 206 00:07:27,405 --> 00:07:30,700 This is the part of the movie where I fell asleep. 207 00:07:30,992 --> 00:07:33,411 - Jazz is gonna get you out of this. 208 00:07:33,703 --> 00:07:36,748 Say, hey! I am one slick brother. 209 00:07:37,040 --> 00:07:37,499 - This blows. 210 00:07:37,791 --> 00:07:41,127 Be the robots from NFL on fox. 211 00:07:41,419 --> 00:07:43,380 Boo! 212 00:07:46,007 --> 00:07:47,007 - You suck. 213 00:07:50,053 --> 00:07:50,679 - Here's your tea, Ms. Orman. 214 00:07:50,971 --> 00:07:52,681 There you are. - Who are you? 215 00:07:52,973 --> 00:07:54,140 What happened to Hazel? 216 00:07:54,432 --> 00:07:55,141 - Oh, I'm sorry, Ms. Orman. 217 00:07:55,433 --> 00:07:57,060 Hazel and I switched places. 218 00:07:57,352 --> 00:07:59,479 She's over at "TGS" now, but don't worry. 219 00:07:59,771 --> 00:08:00,355 It's temporary. 220 00:08:00,647 --> 00:08:02,367 I just want all the actors and writers there 221 00:08:02,607 --> 00:08:03,626 to realize how much they miss me. 222 00:08:03,650 --> 00:08:05,110 - And why should they miss you? 223 00:08:05,402 --> 00:08:06,962 - Well, I'd like to think on some level, 224 00:08:07,153 --> 00:08:08,153 we're all friends. 225 00:08:08,405 --> 00:08:10,091 - Do you socialize together outside of work? 226 00:08:10,115 --> 00:08:11,408 Do you exchange gifts? 227 00:08:11,700 --> 00:08:14,160 Do you vacation together on nonjudgmental cruise lines? 228 00:08:14,452 --> 00:08:15,787 - Well, no, but... 229 00:08:16,079 --> 00:08:16,788 - listen, girlfriend. 230 00:08:17,080 --> 00:08:19,165 You're trying to solve an emotional problem, 231 00:08:19,457 --> 00:08:21,876 but what you have is a money problem. 232 00:08:22,168 --> 00:08:24,796 You want to be "friends" with people like 233 00:08:25,088 --> 00:08:26,506 Tracy Jordan and Jenna Maroney? 234 00:08:26,798 --> 00:08:29,175 They're rich, so show me the money. 235 00:08:29,467 --> 00:08:30,051 How much do you make? 236 00:08:30,343 --> 00:08:31,052 - I'm not sure. 237 00:08:31,344 --> 00:08:32,887 My church requires a 110% tithe. 238 00:08:33,179 --> 00:08:34,819 - How old are you? - Don't worry about it. 239 00:08:34,931 --> 00:08:35,971 - How much have you saved? 240 00:08:36,057 --> 00:08:37,994 - Are you talking about saving squirrels from hawks? 241 00:08:38,018 --> 00:08:38,476 Zero. 242 00:08:38,768 --> 00:08:40,088 - If you really want to be friends 243 00:08:40,311 --> 00:08:41,311 with people this, 244 00:08:41,396 --> 00:08:43,236 you are going to have to quit the page program, 245 00:08:43,398 --> 00:08:45,859 and get a real job so that you can earn for your future. 246 00:08:46,151 --> 00:08:46,651 - What? 247 00:08:46,943 --> 00:08:49,988 No, I can't quit the page program. 248 00:08:50,280 --> 00:08:53,450 - Well then, denied! 249 00:08:53,742 --> 00:08:55,502 - You got the initiative. How do you keep it? 250 00:08:55,660 --> 00:08:58,663 By making a second first impression. 251 00:08:58,955 --> 00:09:00,235 You're going to wear dark colors, 252 00:09:00,373 --> 00:09:01,958 with a single power accent. 253 00:09:02,250 --> 00:09:02,959 Every hair in place. 254 00:09:03,251 --> 00:09:05,295 Hair movement... 255 00:09:05,587 --> 00:09:06,587 Is a sign of weakness. 256 00:09:06,629 --> 00:09:08,381 And whatever you do, 257 00:09:08,673 --> 00:09:09,841 don't speak first. 258 00:09:10,133 --> 00:09:14,596 90% of negotiations are lost by the person who speaks first. 259 00:09:14,888 --> 00:09:18,308 Because what is speaking a sign of? 260 00:09:20,310 --> 00:09:21,310 - Weakness? 261 00:09:21,352 --> 00:09:22,352 - You, out. Fired. 262 00:09:34,574 --> 00:09:35,658 - Oh! I hate those shoes. 263 00:09:35,950 --> 00:09:38,244 - Oh, are we starting? Please. 264 00:09:38,536 --> 00:09:39,976 - All right. Let's start with salary. 265 00:09:41,706 --> 00:09:42,706 What are you doing? 266 00:09:42,874 --> 00:09:44,667 Oh, I'm sorry. 267 00:09:44,959 --> 00:09:46,279 Are you on some subconscious level 268 00:09:46,461 --> 00:09:48,141 seeing this as me toying with your manhood? 269 00:09:48,338 --> 00:09:49,005 - Of course I am. 270 00:09:49,297 --> 00:09:50,590 I invented that. 271 00:09:50,882 --> 00:09:52,592 Boca 2002... 272 00:09:52,884 --> 00:09:53,551 You've seen the tapes? 273 00:09:53,843 --> 00:09:54,969 - What? No. I-I just... 274 00:09:55,261 --> 00:09:57,013 - you are being coached by me. 275 00:09:57,305 --> 00:09:58,825 - I'm sorry, Jack. I have to take this. 276 00:09:58,973 --> 00:10:01,351 Yes, may I please speak to pizza? 277 00:10:01,643 --> 00:10:03,579 - The fake phone call to buy time in an emergency? 278 00:10:03,603 --> 00:10:05,355 Classic Donaghy. 279 00:10:05,647 --> 00:10:07,148 - Okay, fine. You got me. 280 00:10:07,440 --> 00:10:08,149 Game over. 281 00:10:08,441 --> 00:10:09,025 - No, no. 282 00:10:09,317 --> 00:10:10,677 This just levels the playing field. 283 00:10:10,860 --> 00:10:12,237 Going mano a mano 284 00:10:12,529 --> 00:10:14,697 against a real adversary, me... 285 00:10:14,989 --> 00:10:17,117 It's the ultimate game. 286 00:10:17,408 --> 00:10:21,830 Jack Donaghy... Playing with himself. 287 00:10:22,122 --> 00:10:23,123 It's a Jack-off. 288 00:10:23,414 --> 00:10:25,041 Well, great job. 289 00:10:25,333 --> 00:10:26,733 Adam locked himself in the bathroom. 290 00:10:26,918 --> 00:10:28,628 If we can get him out of there, 291 00:10:28,920 --> 00:10:30,088 you two have got to do better 292 00:10:30,380 --> 00:10:32,149 than that pathetic butchering of who's on first?. 293 00:10:32,173 --> 00:10:33,299 - "Who's on first"! 294 00:10:33,591 --> 00:10:37,137 That's the phrase I couldn't remember. 295 00:10:39,055 --> 00:10:40,473 What's going on here? 296 00:10:40,765 --> 00:10:42,934 - I think we're waiting. 297 00:10:43,226 --> 00:10:43,893 - I'm confused. 298 00:10:44,185 --> 00:10:45,812 We make other people wait. 299 00:10:46,104 --> 00:10:48,857 - Forcing people to wait, throwing things, 300 00:10:49,149 --> 00:10:51,401 making crazy demands and never being satisfied... 301 00:10:51,693 --> 00:10:53,444 Adam's acting like us. 302 00:10:53,736 --> 00:10:55,155 - But he's not famous. 303 00:10:55,446 --> 00:10:56,846 Why is the government allowing this? 304 00:10:56,948 --> 00:10:58,908 - Because today, he's the star. 305 00:10:59,200 --> 00:11:00,200 A Jewish star. 306 00:11:00,326 --> 00:11:02,036 - If we don't make Adam happy, 307 00:11:02,328 --> 00:11:03,608 his dad is going to tell the IRS 308 00:11:03,830 --> 00:11:04,830 my house isn't a church, 309 00:11:04,956 --> 00:11:07,625 although I do let children drink wine there. 310 00:11:07,917 --> 00:11:09,544 - Tracy, as fellow stars, 311 00:11:09,836 --> 00:11:12,338 we may actually be able to solve Adam's problem. 312 00:11:12,630 --> 00:11:13,830 I mean, when we're acting out, 313 00:11:13,882 --> 00:11:14,924 what makes us happy? 314 00:11:15,216 --> 00:11:15,758 - When I'm acting out, 315 00:11:16,050 --> 00:11:17,468 it's never about the real problem. 316 00:11:17,760 --> 00:11:18,760 Like all actors, 317 00:11:18,845 --> 00:11:20,180 I'm not emotionally mature enough 318 00:11:20,471 --> 00:11:22,031 to deal with my feelings, you fart-face. 319 00:11:22,056 --> 00:11:23,159 - I know you are, but what am I? 320 00:11:23,183 --> 00:11:25,185 Adam isn't upset about us. 321 00:11:25,476 --> 00:11:26,476 It's something else. 322 00:11:26,519 --> 00:11:28,021 We just have to find out 323 00:11:28,313 --> 00:11:30,315 what it is and save this Bar Mitzvah. 324 00:11:30,607 --> 00:11:33,735 - So you've lost the initiative, perhaps by being a woman 325 00:11:34,027 --> 00:11:34,569 or a shorter man, 326 00:11:34,861 --> 00:11:36,154 but you can regain it 327 00:11:36,446 --> 00:11:38,489 by fighting on your home turf. 328 00:11:38,781 --> 00:11:41,492 No one has ever won a land war in Russia. 329 00:11:41,784 --> 00:11:42,827 Not Napoleon, not Hitler, 330 00:11:43,119 --> 00:11:45,580 not even Balki in the unaired ninth season 331 00:11:45,872 --> 00:11:46,872 of perfect strangers. 332 00:11:46,998 --> 00:11:48,333 So where's your Russia? 333 00:11:48,625 --> 00:11:50,210 What's your home turf? 334 00:11:50,501 --> 00:11:53,630 The one place in the world where you cannot lose. 335 00:11:53,922 --> 00:11:55,840 - Ice cream store. 336 00:11:59,135 --> 00:12:00,135 - What are you doing? 337 00:12:00,303 --> 00:12:01,503 This is the men's room, Jenna. 338 00:12:01,679 --> 00:12:03,264 Not the c-list skank's room. 339 00:12:03,556 --> 00:12:05,516 - That's solid, but that's not why we're here. 340 00:12:05,808 --> 00:12:07,518 - Adam, we want to help. 341 00:12:07,810 --> 00:12:08,853 You're the star today. 342 00:12:09,145 --> 00:12:11,272 And we know how hard that can be. 343 00:12:11,564 --> 00:12:13,650 - Look, we know you're not really mad about us. 344 00:12:13,942 --> 00:12:15,818 You acting out is about something else. 345 00:12:16,110 --> 00:12:17,110 - You can tell us. 346 00:12:17,320 --> 00:12:18,571 We're in S.A.G. 347 00:12:19,697 --> 00:12:21,950 It's just... everyone expects me 348 00:12:22,242 --> 00:12:23,322 to dance with a girl today. 349 00:12:23,576 --> 00:12:25,245 And I don't know about girls. 350 00:12:25,536 --> 00:12:27,256 I mean, I've played this Japanese video game 351 00:12:27,413 --> 00:12:28,813 where you slap prostitutes to death, 352 00:12:28,998 --> 00:12:30,750 but you only ever dance with this penguin 353 00:12:31,042 --> 00:12:32,042 named Yamagiku. 354 00:12:32,252 --> 00:12:33,253 - Adam, trust me. 355 00:12:33,544 --> 00:12:35,380 Any girl would want to dance with you. 356 00:12:35,672 --> 00:12:36,214 You're rich. 357 00:12:36,506 --> 00:12:38,258 And you're fat, so you'll die young. 358 00:12:38,549 --> 00:12:39,549 Women love that. 359 00:12:39,759 --> 00:12:41,039 - Ad-rock, I'm going to tell you 360 00:12:41,261 --> 00:12:43,304 the same thing I tell my son. 361 00:12:43,596 --> 00:12:45,306 Put money in the girl's mouth. 362 00:12:45,598 --> 00:12:48,142 Also, my friend, Darryl, is your real father. 363 00:12:48,434 --> 00:12:51,729 Now you go get 'em. 364 00:12:56,359 --> 00:12:57,694 - Hazel, why does my coffee order 365 00:12:57,986 --> 00:12:59,237 say "the black one" on it? 366 00:12:59,529 --> 00:13:00,738 - Uh... 367 00:13:01,030 --> 00:13:02,240 - Did you put peanuts on this? 368 00:13:02,532 --> 00:13:03,812 - Yeah, it's delicious, hat guy. 369 00:13:03,866 --> 00:13:04,575 - Ah... I'm allergic! 370 00:13:04,867 --> 00:13:05,868 - Damn it! 371 00:13:06,160 --> 00:13:08,496 I have to write a 40-word exit evaluation 372 00:13:08,788 --> 00:13:09,788 of Kenneth! 373 00:13:09,831 --> 00:13:11,374 I wish I was dead! 374 00:13:19,882 --> 00:13:20,967 - Okay, Kenneth. You win. 375 00:13:21,259 --> 00:13:22,468 Please come back. 376 00:13:22,760 --> 00:13:24,387 - Okay. When is my birthday? 377 00:13:24,679 --> 00:13:25,930 - I don't know. 378 00:13:26,222 --> 00:13:27,950 When is that party you throw that we never go to 379 00:13:27,974 --> 00:13:30,810 'cause we don't know what to get the man who has nothing. 380 00:13:31,102 --> 00:13:32,520 - Suze Orman was right. 381 00:13:32,812 --> 00:13:37,567 I need to quit the page program and get a real job. 382 00:13:43,906 --> 00:13:46,075 - You know what we did today? 383 00:13:46,367 --> 00:13:48,247 - An amazing rendition of "what's the guy's name 384 00:13:48,328 --> 00:13:49,412 who plays first base?" 385 00:13:49,704 --> 00:13:51,414 - No, we solved a problem 386 00:13:51,706 --> 00:13:52,946 by just addressing it, head on. 387 00:13:52,999 --> 00:13:53,999 Tracy, 388 00:13:54,250 --> 00:13:57,462 what if you and I dealt with all of our problems that way? 389 00:13:57,754 --> 00:13:58,963 What if we were honest at work 390 00:13:59,255 --> 00:14:00,274 about what's bothering us? 391 00:14:00,298 --> 00:14:00,965 - That would make everyone's lives 392 00:14:01,257 --> 00:14:03,092 a whole lot better. 393 00:14:03,384 --> 00:14:04,594 Like the polio vaccine. 394 00:14:04,886 --> 00:14:07,263 Or a no-bottom strip club near a Wendy's. 395 00:14:07,555 --> 00:14:10,767 Let's do it, J-Mo. 396 00:14:11,059 --> 00:14:12,059 - Hey, Jack. 397 00:14:12,226 --> 00:14:12,769 Sorry I'm so late. 398 00:14:13,061 --> 00:14:13,603 - You're not. 399 00:14:13,895 --> 00:14:15,080 I changed the clock on your phone. 400 00:14:15,104 --> 00:14:17,106 I just got here. 401 00:14:18,524 --> 00:14:19,817 - Anyway, I really appreciate 402 00:14:20,109 --> 00:14:21,444 you coming to my neighborhood, 403 00:14:21,736 --> 00:14:25,073 my home turf, if you will. 404 00:14:27,742 --> 00:14:28,743 I see. 405 00:14:29,035 --> 00:14:31,788 Well played, Jack. 406 00:14:37,585 --> 00:14:39,587 - You anticipated my counter move, 407 00:14:39,879 --> 00:14:41,506 employing "a shortness is weakness" 408 00:14:41,798 --> 00:14:42,798 power axiom. 409 00:14:42,924 --> 00:14:44,550 However, I knew that you might know 410 00:14:44,842 --> 00:14:46,322 that I knew to bring my own furniture, 411 00:14:46,386 --> 00:14:50,348 so I also brought my Jack Welch power pillow. 412 00:14:50,640 --> 00:14:52,934 I'm very sorry, sir. 413 00:14:53,226 --> 00:14:54,426 - I thought you might do that, 414 00:14:54,519 --> 00:14:56,279 which is why I'm going to be the first person 415 00:14:56,396 --> 00:14:57,939 to do power quiet talking, 416 00:14:58,231 --> 00:15:00,400 forcing you to lean in and wonder if you're missing 417 00:15:00,691 --> 00:15:01,691 any key phrases. 418 00:15:01,776 --> 00:15:03,152 Like an idiot. 419 00:15:03,444 --> 00:15:05,084 - I thought you'd try power quiet talking, 420 00:15:05,196 --> 00:15:07,740 which is why I'm wearing a hearing aid. 421 00:15:08,032 --> 00:15:09,033 Stalemate. 422 00:15:09,325 --> 00:15:10,525 I'm everything I hoped I'd be. 423 00:15:10,743 --> 00:15:11,744 Let's begin. 424 00:15:12,036 --> 00:15:12,745 2% raise, 425 00:15:13,037 --> 00:15:15,123 a show on Christmas, no gross merchandising, 426 00:15:15,415 --> 00:15:16,082 and you have a run in your stocking. 427 00:15:16,374 --> 00:15:18,376 - 8% raise, two weeks off at Christmas, 428 00:15:18,668 --> 00:15:19,877 5% gross, and nice try. 429 00:15:20,169 --> 00:15:21,209 I'm not wearing stockings. 430 00:15:21,421 --> 00:15:22,421 That's a vein. 431 00:15:22,505 --> 00:15:23,505 - No raise, no vacation, 432 00:15:23,714 --> 00:15:24,994 and from now on, you have to say, 433 00:15:25,174 --> 00:15:26,774 "go for Liz," when you answer your phone. 434 00:15:26,884 --> 00:15:28,219 - Um, hold on a sec. 435 00:15:28,511 --> 00:15:29,511 - Come on, Lemon. 436 00:15:29,554 --> 00:15:30,096 I'm just doing the sorcerer's apprentice. 437 00:15:30,388 --> 00:15:32,014 You respond with a pirate holiday, 438 00:15:32,306 --> 00:15:34,466 and I have no choice but to play the hillbilly auction. 439 00:15:34,559 --> 00:15:36,269 It's all on the tapes. 440 00:15:36,561 --> 00:15:37,830 Ah, forget it. This is taking too long. 441 00:15:37,854 --> 00:15:39,021 I'll do both sides. 442 00:15:39,313 --> 00:15:39,772 If you think I won't 443 00:15:40,064 --> 00:15:41,584 do the show without Lemon, think again. 444 00:15:41,816 --> 00:15:43,001 Oh, Jack, you're bluffing. 445 00:15:43,025 --> 00:15:44,068 Liz, we're out of here. 446 00:15:44,360 --> 00:15:46,070 If you walk out that door, 447 00:15:46,362 --> 00:15:47,842 you'll burn every bridge she has here. 448 00:15:47,905 --> 00:15:48,985 It'll be back to submitting 449 00:15:49,198 --> 00:15:51,826 topical menopause jokes to Joy Behar by fax. 450 00:15:52,118 --> 00:15:52,660 Oh, please. 451 00:15:52,952 --> 00:15:54,120 You'd be in breach. 452 00:15:54,412 --> 00:15:55,931 You'd have more lawyers on you than a midtown hooker. 453 00:15:55,955 --> 00:15:56,622 You're all talk. 454 00:15:56,914 --> 00:15:57,623 It's like that time you said you'd hit on 455 00:15:57,915 --> 00:15:59,417 Carla Bruni in front of Sarkozy, 456 00:15:59,709 --> 00:16:00,918 and you totally backed down. 457 00:16:01,210 --> 00:16:01,752 So did you. 458 00:16:02,044 --> 00:16:03,484 Sorry, I have to take this. 459 00:16:03,546 --> 00:16:04,546 Hello? 460 00:16:04,630 --> 00:16:07,508 It's me. Nice try. 461 00:16:07,800 --> 00:16:10,261 I'm writing down a number. 462 00:16:13,514 --> 00:16:14,974 Oh! You're dreaming. 463 00:16:15,266 --> 00:16:17,477 Then I'd counter. I'd reject that. 464 00:16:17,768 --> 00:16:20,938 Then an elegante, parry with an elegante primo, 465 00:16:21,230 --> 00:16:24,734 5%, I demand three years... 466 00:16:25,026 --> 00:16:26,194 No, that can't be right. 467 00:16:26,486 --> 00:16:29,780 Elegante, elegante primo, carry the one... 468 00:16:31,532 --> 00:16:33,117 Good god. 469 00:16:33,409 --> 00:16:34,619 - What? - You won. 470 00:16:34,911 --> 00:16:35,244 - I did? 471 00:16:35,536 --> 00:16:36,829 - You got everything you wanted. 472 00:16:37,121 --> 00:16:38,331 Kabletown Jack made a mistake, 473 00:16:38,623 --> 00:16:41,709 and Lemon Jack pounced on it. 474 00:16:42,001 --> 00:16:43,001 I-me lost. 475 00:16:43,211 --> 00:16:43,920 - Yes! I won! 476 00:16:44,212 --> 00:16:45,421 Nobody beats the Liz! 477 00:16:46,839 --> 00:16:47,298 Oh, sorry. 478 00:16:47,590 --> 00:16:49,300 In your face. 479 00:16:49,592 --> 00:16:50,968 - Mr. Hornberger. 480 00:16:51,260 --> 00:16:53,721 I got the message about the good-bye Kenneth brunch. 481 00:16:54,013 --> 00:16:55,253 I can't tell you how touched... 482 00:16:55,515 --> 00:16:57,266 - yeah, that was a lie. But look who's here? 483 00:16:57,558 --> 00:16:59,119 - Double actor announcement. - Double actor announcement. 484 00:16:59,143 --> 00:17:00,478 - Over the years, 485 00:17:00,770 --> 00:17:02,706 we've wasted a lot of time complaining about things 486 00:17:02,730 --> 00:17:04,524 other than what's really bothering us. 487 00:17:04,815 --> 00:17:06,275 From now on, Tracy and I 488 00:17:06,567 --> 00:17:08,361 are going to be more "haw-naist." 489 00:17:08,653 --> 00:17:10,655 - Instead of just throwing tantrums, 490 00:17:10,947 --> 00:17:12,257 we're going to talk things through. 491 00:17:12,281 --> 00:17:13,282 Who's that lady? 492 00:17:13,574 --> 00:17:15,368 It's her fault that it's cold in here! 493 00:17:15,660 --> 00:17:16,327 - Tracy... 494 00:17:16,619 --> 00:17:17,619 Be honest. 495 00:17:17,787 --> 00:17:19,467 It's not about the air-conditioning, is it? 496 00:17:19,705 --> 00:17:21,874 - Okay. 497 00:17:22,166 --> 00:17:23,435 It's just that I see a new page, 498 00:17:23,459 --> 00:17:24,794 and I'm not used to change. 499 00:17:25,086 --> 00:17:28,339 Because I was raised in foster care. 500 00:17:31,509 --> 00:17:33,427 - Sounds like Tracy's missing someone. 501 00:17:33,719 --> 00:17:35,263 - He's missing me. 502 00:17:35,555 --> 00:17:38,349 Boy, you are dumb sometimes. 503 00:17:38,641 --> 00:17:42,311 - Tracy, this new page is Hazel, 504 00:17:42,603 --> 00:17:43,271 Kenneth's replacement. 505 00:17:43,563 --> 00:17:46,232 Kenneth wants to leave the page program 506 00:17:46,524 --> 00:17:47,984 so he can go make more money. 507 00:17:48,276 --> 00:17:51,153 But you need him here, don't you? 508 00:17:51,445 --> 00:17:54,657 - Yes, I do need you, Kenneth. I depend on you. 509 00:17:54,949 --> 00:17:56,117 But I'm telling you to go, 510 00:17:56,409 --> 00:17:58,160 because now that I'm being honest, 511 00:17:58,452 --> 00:18:00,162 this job is a dead end for you. 512 00:18:00,454 --> 00:18:03,708 And it would be selfish of me to make you stay. 513 00:18:04,000 --> 00:18:05,376 - Are you serious? 514 00:18:05,668 --> 00:18:07,336 - Yes. Now go. 515 00:18:07,628 --> 00:18:10,089 Run, Kenneth. 516 00:18:10,381 --> 00:18:13,384 Run before I change my mind. 517 00:18:17,263 --> 00:18:18,263 Run, Kenneth! 518 00:18:18,431 --> 00:18:20,766 Run! 519 00:18:21,058 --> 00:18:24,186 - Hey, your video says that after a negotiation, 520 00:18:24,478 --> 00:18:27,148 the winner should get the loser a gift. 521 00:18:27,440 --> 00:18:28,816 So I brought you this popcorn tin. 522 00:18:29,108 --> 00:18:29,525 There's no popcorn left, 523 00:18:29,817 --> 00:18:32,361 but it makes a great closet organizer. 524 00:18:32,653 --> 00:18:34,363 Socks, underwear, bras. 525 00:18:34,655 --> 00:18:35,906 - I used to be a winner. 526 00:18:36,198 --> 00:18:38,826 Men wanted to be me, women wanted to sleep with me, 527 00:18:39,118 --> 00:18:41,996 bisexuals wanted to watch. 528 00:18:42,288 --> 00:18:43,331 Now look at me. 529 00:18:43,623 --> 00:18:46,125 A meaningless job, I can't get my wife back. 530 00:18:46,417 --> 00:18:48,544 What's the point? 531 00:18:48,836 --> 00:18:51,339 Maybe I'll just quit and... 532 00:18:51,631 --> 00:18:53,049 Go work for a not-for-profit. 533 00:18:53,341 --> 00:18:54,925 Somewhere where there's less pressure 534 00:18:55,217 --> 00:18:56,385 and the people are nice. 535 00:18:56,677 --> 00:18:59,055 And I can wear sneakers and jeans on Friday. 536 00:18:59,347 --> 00:19:00,347 - No, Jack, stop. 537 00:19:00,473 --> 00:19:01,473 It's okay. 538 00:19:01,724 --> 00:19:03,434 - I hate myself. 539 00:19:03,726 --> 00:19:06,937 I want to be somebody else! I want to be a baby again! 540 00:19:08,522 --> 00:19:09,899 - No, no, no. Look, you won. 541 00:19:10,191 --> 00:19:11,191 I'll sign whatever. 542 00:19:11,400 --> 00:19:13,486 Just don't cry. Daddy doesn't cry. 543 00:19:13,778 --> 00:19:15,905 I don't need gross merchandising. 544 00:19:18,658 --> 00:19:19,659 Excellent. 545 00:19:19,950 --> 00:19:21,369 - What? What are you doing? 546 00:19:21,661 --> 00:19:22,995 - Proving I could win. - God! 547 00:19:23,287 --> 00:19:23,871 You were freaking me out. 548 00:19:24,163 --> 00:19:25,163 - Exactly. 549 00:19:25,373 --> 00:19:27,291 Do you know why I lost earlier? 550 00:19:27,583 --> 00:19:28,959 Because of our friendship. 551 00:19:29,251 --> 00:19:30,451 I want you to have everything. 552 00:19:30,586 --> 00:19:32,171 And that made me make a mistake. 553 00:19:32,463 --> 00:19:34,465 In other words, I lost because of emotion, 554 00:19:34,757 --> 00:19:36,801 which I always thought was a weakness, 555 00:19:37,093 --> 00:19:38,853 but now I've learned it can also be a weapon. 556 00:19:39,095 --> 00:19:40,739 - You didn't realize emotion could be a weapon? 557 00:19:40,763 --> 00:19:42,431 Have you not read the poetry of Jewel? 558 00:19:42,723 --> 00:19:43,849 - The point is, 559 00:19:44,141 --> 00:19:46,602 you had Liz's Jack on your side. 560 00:19:46,894 --> 00:19:51,565 And that's why he-me beat Kabletown Jack, 561 00:19:51,857 --> 00:19:54,944 until me-i turned the tables on you-you. 562 00:19:55,236 --> 00:19:59,490 - So that means that my me-i taught your you-you 563 00:19:59,782 --> 00:20:01,033 a negotiation trick. 564 00:20:01,325 --> 00:20:04,245 - Yes, I suppose you did. 565 00:20:04,537 --> 00:20:04,954 - Wow. 566 00:20:05,246 --> 00:20:06,997 After six years, there's still room 567 00:20:07,289 --> 00:20:09,542 for growth in this friendship. 568 00:20:09,834 --> 00:20:10,209 What... why are you signing that? 569 00:20:10,501 --> 00:20:11,127 You won? 570 00:20:11,419 --> 00:20:12,899 - Lemon, I wanted to know I could win. 571 00:20:13,129 --> 00:20:14,529 I'm still going to take care of you. 572 00:20:16,006 --> 00:20:18,092 - Excuse me, sirs. 573 00:20:18,384 --> 00:20:19,427 Mr. Donaghy, 574 00:20:19,719 --> 00:20:21,196 do you remember the other day when you said 575 00:20:21,220 --> 00:20:23,681 there are other opportunities for me at the company? 576 00:20:23,973 --> 00:20:25,141 - Of course. 577 00:20:25,433 --> 00:20:26,868 - Well, I would like to discuss those opportunities 578 00:20:26,892 --> 00:20:27,560 with you further. 579 00:20:27,852 --> 00:20:30,813 Because I am quitting the page program. 580 00:20:31,105 --> 00:20:32,440 - But you have no other skills. 581 00:20:32,732 --> 00:20:34,817 - He's a white male with hair, Lemon. 582 00:20:35,109 --> 00:20:38,612 The sky's the limit. 583 00:20:41,240 --> 00:20:42,491 To white men! 584 00:20:45,494 --> 00:20:47,163 - Adam, we hear you're a Yankees fan. 585 00:20:47,455 --> 00:20:49,015 Tracy, aren't you a coach for the Yankees? 586 00:20:49,039 --> 00:20:50,332 You must know all the players. 587 00:20:50,624 --> 00:20:51,624 - Oh, sure. 588 00:20:51,709 --> 00:20:53,109 Those players have some crazy names. 589 00:20:53,335 --> 00:20:54,335 Like Derek and Alex. 590 00:20:54,545 --> 00:20:55,629 - Who's on first? 591 00:20:55,921 --> 00:20:56,940 - Uh-oh, we're going to get confused. 592 00:20:56,964 --> 00:20:58,340 - The guy who plays first is who? 593 00:20:58,632 --> 00:20:59,008 - No, thank you. 594 00:20:59,300 --> 00:21:00,634 - I mean the fellow's name. 595 00:21:00,926 --> 00:21:02,636 - Everybody. - The guy on first. 596 00:21:02,928 --> 00:21:04,472 - His wife's name is don't. 597 00:21:04,764 --> 00:21:06,390 - What's the guy's name on first base? 598 00:21:06,682 --> 00:21:07,266 - Know what died in Vietnam. 599 00:21:07,558 --> 00:21:09,477 - I'm not asking you who's on second. 600 00:21:09,769 --> 00:21:11,020 - Let's just agree to disagree. 601 00:21:11,312 --> 00:21:13,105 - Fourth base! - Fourth base!