1 00:00:01,585 --> 00:00:02,896 Announcer: From the director of Valentine's day 2 00:00:02,920 --> 00:00:05,881 and new year's Eve... 3 00:00:06,173 --> 00:00:09,301 - What? Tomorrow is Martin Luther King day? 4 00:00:09,593 --> 00:00:11,261 - Yeah, and neither of us have dates. 5 00:00:11,553 --> 00:00:13,031 - Too bad we're just platonic friends. 6 00:00:13,055 --> 00:00:15,807 - ♪ I'm just curious about you ♪ 7 00:00:16,099 --> 00:00:17,768 ♪ noticed you for quite a while ♪ 8 00:00:18,060 --> 00:00:19,686 - I have a right to love you. 9 00:00:19,978 --> 00:00:20,604 - Hello. 10 00:00:20,896 --> 00:00:21,915 - In the words of Martin Luther King, 11 00:00:21,939 --> 00:00:23,190 I've just got to go for it. 12 00:00:23,482 --> 00:00:24,858 - You're a white supremacist? 13 00:00:25,150 --> 00:00:26,377 - You guys can just do the fun stuff. 14 00:00:26,401 --> 00:00:27,903 - Oh, my god. 15 00:00:28,195 --> 00:00:29,863 - ♪ Uh-uh, oh no ♪ 16 00:00:30,155 --> 00:00:33,283 - All I want is one extraordinary moment. 17 00:00:33,575 --> 00:00:34,910 - ♪ So let's get things started ♪ 18 00:00:35,202 --> 00:00:37,538 - Sounds like you have a dream. 19 00:00:37,829 --> 00:00:41,750 - ♪ Some time, you're gonna get what you put out ♪ 20 00:00:42,042 --> 00:00:44,044 ♪ ♪ 21 00:00:44,336 --> 00:00:47,673 Announcer: It's Martin Luther King Day 22 00:00:50,008 --> 00:00:52,427 - so, I need you to promote that on TGS. 23 00:00:52,719 --> 00:00:54,846 - No, I'm not promoting that garbage on the show. 24 00:00:55,138 --> 00:00:57,975 - Oh, Liz. This isn't a request, this is an order. 25 00:00:58,267 --> 00:00:59,285 I've already spoken to Jack about it. 26 00:00:59,309 --> 00:01:00,435 - Wow. 27 00:01:00,727 --> 00:01:04,231 Well, now I'm going to speak to Jack about it. 28 00:01:04,523 --> 00:01:07,192 The rest of you, keep working... 29 00:01:08,777 --> 00:01:09,861 - Lemon, I'm sorry, 30 00:01:10,153 --> 00:01:12,823 but Jenna has become a huge star for this network. 31 00:01:13,115 --> 00:01:15,909 She's bigger than maulik pancholy on Whitney 32 00:01:16,201 --> 00:01:18,537 - look, I put up with a lot from Jenna. 33 00:01:18,829 --> 00:01:20,789 A couple months ago, she cut off my ponytail 34 00:01:21,081 --> 00:01:23,351 because she was jealous of the attention that I was getting, 35 00:01:23,375 --> 00:01:25,335 on my own birthday. 36 00:01:30,424 --> 00:01:32,926 But this is new, going to you behind my back? 37 00:01:33,218 --> 00:01:34,595 You can't reward her for that. 38 00:01:34,886 --> 00:01:36,054 - My hands are tied. 39 00:01:36,346 --> 00:01:38,682 But, and I will, heh, never say this again, 40 00:01:38,974 --> 00:01:41,184 you have a power that I don't. 41 00:01:41,476 --> 00:01:43,061 - Besides the greatest power of all? 42 00:01:43,353 --> 00:01:45,606 The ability to gestate life. 43 00:01:45,897 --> 00:01:46,607 - Of course, Lemon. 44 00:01:46,898 --> 00:01:47,959 That's why the president is always a new mom. 45 00:01:47,983 --> 00:01:50,902 I was referring to your unique leverage with Jenna: 46 00:01:51,194 --> 00:01:52,194 Your friendship. 47 00:01:52,446 --> 00:01:55,157 - No, I like to keep "boss Liz" and "friend Liz" separate, 48 00:01:55,449 --> 00:01:57,659 because "boss Liz" is all "paperwork, paperwork," 49 00:01:57,951 --> 00:02:00,704 but "friend Liz" is all "my feet hurt, I'm staying in tonight." 50 00:02:00,996 --> 00:02:04,541 - Lemon, I've decided to eliminate the NBC page program. 51 00:02:04,833 --> 00:02:05,833 - What? 52 00:02:05,959 --> 00:02:06,978 - I was in Washington yesterday 53 00:02:07,002 --> 00:02:09,546 reviewing satellite images of Avery in North Korea. 54 00:02:09,838 --> 00:02:12,466 For what it's worth, CIA analysts have confirmed 55 00:02:12,758 --> 00:02:14,676 that she is, indeed, "keeping it tight." 56 00:02:14,968 --> 00:02:17,368 - I don't know how this is about my problem, but I trust you. 57 00:02:17,554 --> 00:02:19,514 - I'm getting there. While I was in Washington, 58 00:02:19,806 --> 00:02:21,767 I learned the house shut down its page program. 59 00:02:22,059 --> 00:02:24,478 With texting and email, a multi-million dollar system 60 00:02:24,770 --> 00:02:26,164 of pleasure slaves is no longer needed. 61 00:02:26,188 --> 00:02:27,689 - Hang on, we need the pages. 62 00:02:27,981 --> 00:02:32,194 Especially Kenneth. He, uh... well, he, uh... 63 00:02:32,486 --> 00:02:34,488 He always scratches that weird part of my back 64 00:02:34,780 --> 00:02:35,780 that I can't reach. 65 00:02:36,031 --> 00:02:38,408 Unless... 66 00:02:38,700 --> 00:02:39,700 Oh! 67 00:02:39,785 --> 00:02:41,203 That's the business! 68 00:02:41,495 --> 00:02:44,956 Now who's in charge, winter dryness? 69 00:02:45,248 --> 00:02:48,669 - I'm hoping that a bold, cost-cutting move like this 70 00:02:48,960 --> 00:02:50,796 will impress Hank Hooper. 71 00:02:51,088 --> 00:02:52,688 But I've only worked for Hank for a year. 72 00:02:52,964 --> 00:02:54,716 He's still difficult to read, 73 00:02:55,008 --> 00:02:58,637 much like that memoir Reagan wrote the week before he died. 74 00:02:58,929 --> 00:03:00,639 It's, uh... Scattered. 75 00:03:00,931 --> 00:03:02,950 - Well, now I think we're just talking about your thing. 76 00:03:02,974 --> 00:03:04,142 You tricked me. 77 00:03:04,434 --> 00:03:05,727 - You know how to read Jenna. 78 00:03:06,019 --> 00:03:07,688 Use your power. 79 00:03:10,941 --> 00:03:13,694 Oh, damn it. 80 00:03:13,985 --> 00:03:15,612 I need some tape! 81 00:03:16,863 --> 00:03:22,703 ♪ ♪ 82 00:03:35,632 --> 00:03:36,925 - Hey, tray. 83 00:03:37,217 --> 00:03:38,820 We just picked up your birthday party invitations 84 00:03:38,844 --> 00:03:41,555 from the printer. 85 00:03:41,847 --> 00:03:45,142 - Wait! What is this? 86 00:03:45,434 --> 00:03:47,936 "Give to charity please, no presents"? 87 00:03:48,228 --> 00:03:49,497 - Yeah, that's what you told me to put on the card. 88 00:03:49,521 --> 00:03:50,522 - No, Dotcom! 89 00:03:50,814 --> 00:03:55,235 I said, "give to charity? Please, no. Presents!" 90 00:03:55,527 --> 00:03:57,904 - Well, I'm sorry, but you don't really need presents. 91 00:03:58,196 --> 00:03:59,614 You already have everything. 92 00:03:59,906 --> 00:04:02,951 I mean, you just bought Kareem Abdul-jabbar's bones, 93 00:04:03,243 --> 00:04:04,578 and he's not even dead. 94 00:04:04,870 --> 00:04:06,455 - Wow. 95 00:04:06,747 --> 00:04:08,498 Maybe I do have everything. 96 00:04:08,790 --> 00:04:10,917 But what does that say about me? 97 00:04:11,209 --> 00:04:15,088 I need time alone, guys, to think... 98 00:04:15,380 --> 00:04:19,968 About mortality. 99 00:04:23,847 --> 00:04:25,557 - Hey, buddy. 100 00:04:25,849 --> 00:04:27,934 I thought maybe we could have a little talk, 101 00:04:28,226 --> 00:04:29,311 girl to girl. 102 00:04:29,603 --> 00:04:30,854 - Mm, sure. 103 00:04:31,146 --> 00:04:32,146 I love light chitchat. 104 00:04:32,355 --> 00:04:34,608 Did you hear about how my fecalist murdered my kabbalist? 105 00:04:34,900 --> 00:04:35,900 - Wow. 106 00:04:36,151 --> 00:04:39,446 Look, we're inside, you can take off the sunglasses. 107 00:04:39,738 --> 00:04:41,364 - Oh. 108 00:04:41,656 --> 00:04:42,656 - What are those? 109 00:04:42,783 --> 00:04:44,701 - Leeches. They're good for your skin, 110 00:04:44,993 --> 00:04:46,345 and I've lost tons of blood weight. 111 00:04:46,369 --> 00:04:48,288 - Oh, my god! 112 00:04:48,580 --> 00:04:51,082 Okay, remember the pact we made back in Chicago? 113 00:04:51,374 --> 00:04:53,084 - Liz, if I become famous, will you tell me 114 00:04:53,376 --> 00:04:54,961 if I start acting weird? 115 00:04:55,253 --> 00:04:57,172 - Definitely. And will you do the same for me? 116 00:04:57,464 --> 00:05:00,884 - You? Famous? That's hilarious. 117 00:05:01,176 --> 00:05:02,844 - Well, I'm invoking the pact. 118 00:05:03,136 --> 00:05:05,180 You're putting leeches on your face. 119 00:05:05,472 --> 00:05:06,973 - Demi Moore does it. 120 00:05:07,265 --> 00:05:08,892 Plus, it makes P.E.T.A. furious, 121 00:05:09,184 --> 00:05:10,944 and if P.E.T.A. doesn't love you or hate you, 122 00:05:10,977 --> 00:05:13,271 you're a nobody, like a soldier, or a teacher. 123 00:05:13,563 --> 00:05:17,776 - Jenna, take off the leeches! 124 00:05:18,068 --> 00:05:19,236 I feel like I'm losing you. 125 00:05:19,528 --> 00:05:21,047 I mean, we used to get lunch every week. 126 00:05:21,071 --> 00:05:22,431 When was the last time we did that? 127 00:05:22,614 --> 00:05:24,449 - You know, with my fecalist in jail, 128 00:05:24,741 --> 00:05:26,743 I can eat whatever I want today. 129 00:05:27,035 --> 00:05:28,179 Maybe we could go to outback... 130 00:05:28,203 --> 00:05:29,454 - I'm going to call ahead and 131 00:05:29,746 --> 00:05:31,206 make sure we're in Darryl's section. 132 00:05:31,498 --> 00:05:32,791 - Who am I? 133 00:05:33,083 --> 00:05:34,376 What does it all mean? 134 00:05:34,668 --> 00:05:37,254 Will I ever truly be happy? 135 00:05:37,546 --> 00:05:39,673 - Tray, I hate seeing you like this. 136 00:05:39,965 --> 00:05:42,165 Sitting in here listening to your depressed thoughts cd. 137 00:05:42,217 --> 00:05:44,719 - What is the meaning of li... 138 00:05:45,011 --> 00:05:46,847 You remember Celia's bakery in the Bronx? 139 00:05:47,138 --> 00:05:48,849 It was on the corner of Malcolm X boulevard 140 00:05:49,140 --> 00:05:50,600 and guy who shot Malcolm X boulevard. 141 00:05:50,892 --> 00:05:54,855 When I was a kid, I wanted one of those pies so bad. 142 00:05:55,146 --> 00:05:57,899 So I swore to myself that one day I would become so rich 143 00:05:58,191 --> 00:06:00,193 I would buy every single pie in Celia's. 144 00:06:00,485 --> 00:06:01,629 - I wanted for nothing as a child, 145 00:06:01,653 --> 00:06:03,113 but that brings its own challenges. 146 00:06:03,405 --> 00:06:05,073 - Shut up, Dotcom. 147 00:06:05,365 --> 00:06:06,867 And now look at that kid, 148 00:06:07,158 --> 00:06:09,244 he turned into an incredibly fit genius 149 00:06:09,536 --> 00:06:10,856 who has everything he ever wanted. 150 00:06:11,121 --> 00:06:12,372 So if there's no more to want, 151 00:06:12,664 --> 00:06:13,748 what's the point in living? 152 00:06:14,040 --> 00:06:15,375 - Whoa, hang on, tray. 153 00:06:15,667 --> 00:06:16,667 You've got a family. 154 00:06:16,918 --> 00:06:19,421 - Great, another thing that I've already got. 155 00:06:19,713 --> 00:06:23,550 Thanks for making this situation worse. 156 00:06:26,386 --> 00:06:27,405 - Should we get another one? 157 00:06:27,429 --> 00:06:28,656 - If you eat four, you get a t-shirt. 158 00:06:28,680 --> 00:06:34,477 So one more, and that's two t-shirts. 159 00:06:34,769 --> 00:06:35,769 - Oh, no, they're here. 160 00:06:36,021 --> 00:06:37,341 - And you don't want the paparazzi 161 00:06:37,397 --> 00:06:38,565 taking pictures of you? 162 00:06:38,857 --> 00:06:39,917 - Not when I'm just trying to have lunch 163 00:06:39,941 --> 00:06:42,777 with my best friend like a normal person. 164 00:06:43,069 --> 00:06:44,821 It's like I'm in a cage. 165 00:06:45,113 --> 00:06:46,424 And not the fun kind where you dance 166 00:06:46,448 --> 00:06:49,200 while U.S.C. football recruits throw hot coins at you. 167 00:06:49,492 --> 00:06:51,332 - I'm sorry, do you want to sneak out the back? 168 00:06:51,578 --> 00:06:55,165 - They'd be expecting that. 169 00:06:55,457 --> 00:06:59,586 Would you like a chance to be famous, Liz? 170 00:06:59,878 --> 00:07:03,757 - Naturally. Always. 171 00:07:04,049 --> 00:07:06,801 I'm from tampa, Florida. 172 00:07:07,093 --> 00:07:08,595 - Leech abuser! 173 00:07:10,055 --> 00:07:11,556 - Nice try, P.E.T.A. bitches. 174 00:07:11,848 --> 00:07:13,850 But I saw you hiding in the crowd. 175 00:07:14,142 --> 00:07:15,685 You just threw paint on a nobody, 176 00:07:15,977 --> 00:07:19,022 who can't even ♪ sing ♪ 177 00:07:19,314 --> 00:07:21,114 Make sure you get the outback sign in the shot 178 00:07:21,232 --> 00:07:22,232 or I don't get paid. 179 00:07:22,359 --> 00:07:25,320 Taxi! 180 00:07:25,612 --> 00:07:28,114 - I have good news, and I have bad news. 181 00:07:28,406 --> 00:07:32,077 The bad news is, I am shutting down the page program. 182 00:07:32,369 --> 00:07:35,789 The good news is for a different group of people. 183 00:07:36,081 --> 00:07:38,291 - Uh, as the most popular page, 184 00:07:38,583 --> 00:07:39,793 I feel I should say something. 185 00:07:40,085 --> 00:07:40,669 - Kenneth, please. 186 00:07:40,961 --> 00:07:43,296 Everyone knows that Dalton is the most popular page. 187 00:07:43,588 --> 00:07:46,132 All: Dalton! Dalton! Dalton! 188 00:07:46,424 --> 00:07:50,679 - Fine, but, you can't cancel the page program. 189 00:07:50,971 --> 00:07:54,724 Who will take messages or seat audiences or order lunch? 190 00:07:55,016 --> 00:07:57,727 - Today, all of those tasks can be managed electronically. 191 00:07:58,019 --> 00:07:59,771 - You're just going to automate us? 192 00:08:00,063 --> 00:08:02,148 Excuse me, sir, but 193 00:08:02,440 --> 00:08:06,194 this reminds me of the tale of John Henry. 194 00:08:06,486 --> 00:08:07,904 Now, gather 'round friends and... 195 00:08:08,196 --> 00:08:10,198 - we all know about John Henry, Kenneth. 196 00:08:10,490 --> 00:08:11,490 It's just a story. 197 00:08:11,658 --> 00:08:13,178 - Well then, I know about another story 198 00:08:13,410 --> 00:08:14,995 that turned out to be true. 199 00:08:15,286 --> 00:08:18,999 It's about a virgin who gave birth to a man who 200 00:08:19,290 --> 00:08:21,001 had some funny ideas. 201 00:08:21,292 --> 00:08:23,670 That virgin was my sister. 202 00:08:23,962 --> 00:08:26,673 And her son, Lyle, has a learning disability. 203 00:08:26,965 --> 00:08:28,341 - Security will escort you out. 204 00:08:28,633 --> 00:08:30,553 And these uniforms are still the property of NBC, 205 00:08:30,719 --> 00:08:34,305 and we'll need them back. 206 00:08:34,597 --> 00:08:36,349 - You are insane! 207 00:08:36,641 --> 00:08:38,268 You knew that P.E.T.A. guy was there. 208 00:08:38,560 --> 00:08:41,396 - Look, I'm sorry, I couldn't be photographed with paint on me. 209 00:08:41,688 --> 00:08:42,928 I'd look like you do right now. 210 00:08:43,023 --> 00:08:44,691 - That is psychopath behavior. 211 00:08:44,983 --> 00:08:47,277 How did I ever even become friends with someone like you? 212 00:08:47,569 --> 00:08:50,447 - If I remember correctly, Elizabeth, 213 00:08:50,739 --> 00:08:53,033 we became friends because I felt bad for you, 214 00:08:53,324 --> 00:08:55,285 standing alone at that party like a loser. 215 00:08:55,577 --> 00:08:57,054 - Yeah, 'cause I really wanted to talk to the girl 216 00:08:57,078 --> 00:08:59,205 who was wrestling in a kiddie pool full of lube. 217 00:08:59,497 --> 00:09:01,684 - Well, what were you even doing at that bachelor party? 218 00:09:01,708 --> 00:09:02,828 - Derek thought I was a guy, 219 00:09:03,043 --> 00:09:05,243 and I didn't want to ruin what was happening between us. 220 00:09:07,005 --> 00:09:09,085 God, I wish my first roommate hadn't died of old age. 221 00:09:09,340 --> 00:09:11,318 Then you wouldn't have moved in, and I wouldn't have wasted 222 00:09:11,342 --> 00:09:12,653 15 years of my life trying to make you 223 00:09:12,677 --> 00:09:14,345 feel better about yourself. 224 00:09:14,637 --> 00:09:15,637 'Cause guess what? 225 00:09:15,805 --> 00:09:18,641 The back of your neck does look weird. 226 00:09:18,933 --> 00:09:19,933 - Why would you say that? 227 00:09:20,185 --> 00:09:25,190 You know I can't see it. 228 00:09:25,482 --> 00:09:27,233 Oh, forget it. 229 00:09:27,525 --> 00:09:28,693 I don't need you, Liz. 230 00:09:28,985 --> 00:09:30,403 I have real friends now, 231 00:09:30,695 --> 00:09:34,532 celebrity friends who understand what I'm going through. 232 00:09:34,824 --> 00:09:36,343 You see? Charlie from Charlie bit my finger 233 00:09:36,367 --> 00:09:38,244 and knob Kardashian just texted me. 234 00:09:38,536 --> 00:09:40,163 They're my new besties. 235 00:09:40,455 --> 00:09:41,557 - Well, I don't need you either. 236 00:09:41,581 --> 00:09:43,517 I've got a new bestie too, and her name is something cool, 237 00:09:43,541 --> 00:09:46,127 like Sam, and she does web design, maybe, 238 00:09:46,419 --> 00:09:48,129 and I haven't met her yet. 239 00:09:48,421 --> 00:09:50,423 Look out, New York, Liz Lemon is 41, 240 00:09:50,715 --> 00:09:55,386 covered in paint, and looking for a new best friend. 241 00:09:58,640 --> 00:09:59,920 - Kenneth, you're a hard worker, 242 00:10:00,100 --> 00:10:03,019 and I will find you something else here at the company. 243 00:10:03,311 --> 00:10:05,230 - Not interested, sir. 244 00:10:05,522 --> 00:10:07,082 I don't want to work for an organization 245 00:10:07,232 --> 00:10:09,234 that would throw away a tradition 246 00:10:09,526 --> 00:10:10,985 like the page program. 247 00:10:11,277 --> 00:10:15,240 Think of all the famous people who started as pages: 248 00:10:15,532 --> 00:10:17,617 Steve Allen, Regis Philbin, 249 00:10:17,909 --> 00:10:21,746 Ted Bundy, Richard Ramirez, John Wayne Gacy... 250 00:10:22,038 --> 00:10:23,038 - Kenneth, I'm sorry. 251 00:10:23,206 --> 00:10:25,792 But progress means eliminating useless institutions. 252 00:10:26,084 --> 00:10:28,920 - Well, Mr. Donaghy, there's one thing you haven't thought of. 253 00:10:29,212 --> 00:10:32,340 Who will give the NBC tours? 254 00:10:32,632 --> 00:10:34,259 No machine can repla... 255 00:10:34,551 --> 00:10:36,719 - we're calling it "NotKenneth." 256 00:10:37,011 --> 00:10:39,430 - It's hard not to take that personally, sir. 257 00:10:39,722 --> 00:10:41,516 - We've inputted the entire page handbook 258 00:10:41,808 --> 00:10:43,059 into NotKenneth's database. 259 00:10:43,351 --> 00:10:45,520 It knows everything you know, and more. 260 00:10:45,812 --> 00:10:47,981 - Why, Jack, why? 261 00:10:48,273 --> 00:10:50,900 - "Y Jack y" is a 2002 episode of "will & grace" 262 00:10:51,192 --> 00:10:54,362 in which Jack, Sean Hayes, chooses between two ymcas. 263 00:10:54,654 --> 00:10:55,654 Featuring guest stars... 264 00:10:55,738 --> 00:10:59,742 Both: Daniel day-Lewis as gay benchpress guy. 265 00:11:03,955 --> 00:11:06,040 - Hey, Sue. 266 00:11:06,332 --> 00:11:07,917 What are you up to tonight? 267 00:11:08,209 --> 00:11:09,369 - I'm not working late again. 268 00:11:09,544 --> 00:11:10,253 Why don't you write the show yourself? 269 00:11:10,545 --> 00:11:12,088 You take all the credit anyway. 270 00:11:12,380 --> 00:11:13,620 I hope you dream of your death. 271 00:11:13,715 --> 00:11:16,009 - I was just wondering if you wanted to go to a movie? 272 00:11:16,301 --> 00:11:19,387 - Oh. I can't. I have to work late. 273 00:11:24,517 --> 00:11:26,978 - Hey, Hank. 274 00:11:27,270 --> 00:11:29,415 I didn't think I was going to see you until dinner tonight. 275 00:11:29,439 --> 00:11:31,149 - Whatever. 276 00:11:31,441 --> 00:11:32,721 I don't even know if I'm coming. 277 00:11:32,901 --> 00:11:34,444 - Hank, is something wrong? 278 00:11:34,736 --> 00:11:39,032 - Jack, I bought this company a year ago today. 279 00:11:39,324 --> 00:11:40,426 Now, maybe I'm old-fashioned, 280 00:11:40,450 --> 00:11:42,952 but where I come from, anniversaries mean something. 281 00:11:43,244 --> 00:11:45,324 - Hank, of course I remembered our "businessversary." 282 00:11:45,496 --> 00:11:46,789 I sent a gift. 283 00:11:47,081 --> 00:11:50,210 - Oh, really? Was it invisible? 284 00:11:50,501 --> 00:11:52,503 Sorry. 285 00:11:52,795 --> 00:11:54,555 I drove all the way up here from Philadelphia 286 00:11:54,631 --> 00:11:56,090 listening to Garrison keillor 287 00:11:56,382 --> 00:11:58,384 and just getting psyched for a fun day. 288 00:11:58,676 --> 00:12:01,262 - I used our new messenger system and sent the gift 289 00:12:01,554 --> 00:12:03,890 to your office on the 60th floor. 290 00:12:04,182 --> 00:12:06,976 Ah, it didn't go to 60, it went to 6. 291 00:12:07,268 --> 00:12:09,520 What's on 6? 292 00:12:09,812 --> 00:12:10,812 Oh, no! 293 00:12:14,234 --> 00:12:16,736 - Hey, how does an adult make new friends? 294 00:12:17,028 --> 00:12:18,188 - I don't have time for this. 295 00:12:18,321 --> 00:12:20,823 Hank Hooper's businessversary gift went to TGS. 296 00:12:21,115 --> 00:12:24,202 - TGS is a sketch show known for popular characters like... 297 00:12:24,494 --> 00:12:28,248 Error. Error. Error. Error. 298 00:12:33,544 --> 00:12:34,837 - Stop! Nerds, stop. 299 00:12:35,129 --> 00:12:36,232 Stop what you are doing immediately. 300 00:12:36,256 --> 00:12:37,376 Toofer, put that glass down. 301 00:12:37,507 --> 00:12:39,759 That scotch fountain obviously was not meant for you. 302 00:12:40,051 --> 00:12:42,011 Phillie Phanatic, get away from him. 303 00:12:48,518 --> 00:12:50,436 None of this was meant for you. 304 00:12:50,728 --> 00:12:52,728 That should have been obvious, since a gift from me 305 00:12:52,772 --> 00:12:54,732 would suggest that you were producing good work. 306 00:12:55,024 --> 00:12:58,486 Let me be clear: You are not. 307 00:12:58,778 --> 00:13:00,947 - Lance ito, you're out of order. 308 00:13:01,239 --> 00:13:04,742 - Line! 309 00:13:06,869 --> 00:13:09,580 - This was meant to go to the 60th floor. 310 00:13:09,872 --> 00:13:11,165 - It's not their fault. 311 00:13:11,457 --> 00:13:13,293 It says 6th floor on the invoice. 312 00:13:13,584 --> 00:13:15,169 - Must be a computer error. 313 00:13:15,461 --> 00:13:17,255 - Well, somebody made a mistake. 314 00:13:17,547 --> 00:13:18,840 A dumb mistake. 315 00:13:19,132 --> 00:13:22,468 And it wasn't the pages, and it wasn't the computer... 316 00:13:22,760 --> 00:13:23,845 - Ha! It was Jack! 317 00:13:24,137 --> 00:13:26,097 Guys, Jack makes dumb mistakes. 318 00:13:26,389 --> 00:13:27,389 He's just like us. 319 00:13:27,640 --> 00:13:28,725 - He's no better than I am. 320 00:13:29,017 --> 00:13:30,268 He's just got a suit. 321 00:13:30,560 --> 00:13:32,562 - No, no, I am better than you, Lutz. 322 00:13:32,854 --> 00:13:34,897 Someone else is to blame, and I will find him or, 323 00:13:35,189 --> 00:13:37,150 more likely, her. 324 00:13:37,442 --> 00:13:39,610 - He looks scared, like Lutz on an escalator. 325 00:13:39,902 --> 00:13:41,738 - Twinsies! 326 00:13:46,451 --> 00:13:49,620 - I called the paps earlier, and they sent Lester. 327 00:13:49,912 --> 00:13:51,372 No one ever uses him. 328 00:13:51,664 --> 00:13:53,791 - Ugh. I'd like to bite his finger. 329 00:13:54,083 --> 00:13:57,086 Charlie. 330 00:13:57,378 --> 00:13:58,378 Sweetie, 331 00:13:58,629 --> 00:14:00,214 you look amazing. 332 00:14:02,175 --> 00:14:03,301 Knob Kardashian, 333 00:14:03,593 --> 00:14:04,719 Charlie bit my finger, 334 00:14:05,011 --> 00:14:06,095 this is mankind. 335 00:14:06,387 --> 00:14:09,015 - And this, is Mr. Socko. 336 00:14:09,307 --> 00:14:11,726 - Oh, I know Mr. Socko. 337 00:14:15,188 --> 00:14:16,988 - Honey, I don't think that was Madame Bovary, 338 00:14:17,065 --> 00:14:20,109 I think it was madame ovary. 339 00:14:20,401 --> 00:14:24,030 - Oh, no, you went there. 340 00:14:24,322 --> 00:14:26,282 Man, do my feet hurt in heels sometimes, 341 00:14:26,574 --> 00:14:28,117 and other things that women talk about. 342 00:14:28,409 --> 00:14:29,409 - Can we help you? 343 00:14:29,660 --> 00:14:31,245 Sorry, I'm just trying 344 00:14:31,537 --> 00:14:32,577 to make a new best friend. 345 00:14:32,789 --> 00:14:36,709 All: Oh, sweetie, honey, oh. 346 00:14:37,001 --> 00:14:39,670 - Yeah, it's really hard. 347 00:14:39,962 --> 00:14:41,357 I mean, how did you guys meet each other? 348 00:14:41,381 --> 00:14:42,882 - We were at karaoke, 349 00:14:43,174 --> 00:14:44,454 and we all picked the same song. 350 00:14:44,717 --> 00:14:46,010 And then when the song came up, 351 00:14:46,302 --> 00:14:48,346 we all went on Stage. 352 00:14:48,638 --> 00:14:50,348 And everybody was like, "what?" 353 00:14:50,640 --> 00:14:51,640 And then we were like, 354 00:14:51,808 --> 00:14:54,602 ♪ what you want? Baby, I got it ♪ 355 00:14:54,894 --> 00:14:56,979 - Shut up! That's horrible. 356 00:14:57,271 --> 00:14:58,272 But I get your point. 357 00:14:58,564 --> 00:15:00,084 I need to go somewhere where someone like me 358 00:15:00,108 --> 00:15:01,484 would be hanging out. 359 00:15:01,776 --> 00:15:02,856 But where does Liz Lemon go 360 00:15:03,069 --> 00:15:05,238 when she's out on the town? 361 00:15:05,530 --> 00:15:08,950 To the Barnes & noble bathroom. 362 00:15:10,743 --> 00:15:12,203 - Occupied! God. 363 00:15:12,495 --> 00:15:15,665 - I know it is. By my new best friend. 364 00:15:22,213 --> 00:15:22,713 - Hey there, Jack. 365 00:15:23,005 --> 00:15:25,341 That Jenna Maroney sure is a hoot. 366 00:15:25,633 --> 00:15:26,759 I didn't care for Mr. Socko. 367 00:15:27,051 --> 00:15:28,970 In my day, socks just kept their mouth shut. 368 00:15:29,262 --> 00:15:31,097 - Well, Hank, you'll be interested to know 369 00:15:31,389 --> 00:15:33,808 I'm getting to the bottom of our little gift mix-up earlier. 370 00:15:34,100 --> 00:15:35,184 - Really, Jack? 371 00:15:35,476 --> 00:15:37,395 There's a problem with the computer system 372 00:15:37,687 --> 00:15:39,689 where it confuses 6 and 60? 373 00:15:39,981 --> 00:15:41,899 - I don't like your tone, Rossitano. 374 00:15:42,191 --> 00:15:43,818 - Aw, it's okay. You messed up, buddy. 375 00:15:44,110 --> 00:15:44,652 - Lutz, don't touch me. 376 00:15:44,944 --> 00:15:46,154 - Hang on, Jack. 377 00:15:46,446 --> 00:15:48,573 Are these two very ill children saying 378 00:15:48,865 --> 00:15:49,945 you messed up the delivery? 379 00:15:50,074 --> 00:15:51,074 That's unacceptable. 380 00:15:51,200 --> 00:15:52,320 - Hey, we all make mistakes. 381 00:15:52,410 --> 00:15:56,456 Like farting when you're talking to three people. 382 00:15:56,747 --> 00:15:59,000 - No, a mistake is something a man does, 383 00:15:59,292 --> 00:16:00,652 like going to war without a reason, 384 00:16:00,835 --> 00:16:02,128 or executing a simpleton. 385 00:16:02,420 --> 00:16:03,420 What Jack did 386 00:16:03,588 --> 00:16:06,799 is a "whoopsie-Daisy," like a baby or a woman would do. 387 00:16:07,091 --> 00:16:08,593 - No, no, Hank. It wasn't me, 388 00:16:08,885 --> 00:16:10,136 it was the machines. 389 00:16:10,428 --> 00:16:11,679 Tell him it wasn't my fault. 390 00:16:11,971 --> 00:16:14,158 - My faul t, a short-lived NBC game show in which homeless 391 00:16:14,182 --> 00:16:19,854 people won money by confessing to crimes they didn't commit. 392 00:16:20,146 --> 00:16:21,189 - Damn you. 393 00:16:21,481 --> 00:16:24,984 - Dam u. A beaver goes to college in this 1987 anima... 394 00:16:25,276 --> 00:16:27,320 - okay, who wants to see the red band trailer 395 00:16:27,612 --> 00:16:28,696 of Martin Luther King da y? 396 00:16:28,988 --> 00:16:30,908 - No, we need to decide which cell phone pictures 397 00:16:31,199 --> 00:16:31,908 I'm going to leak. 398 00:16:32,200 --> 00:16:34,952 - Everyone, listen to Charlie bit my finger's new song. 399 00:16:35,244 --> 00:16:36,597 ♪ I'm rotten to the core mother... ♪ 400 00:16:36,621 --> 00:16:37,205 - Quiet! 401 00:16:37,497 --> 00:16:40,875 Mankind is trying to tweet about these clowns in congress. 402 00:16:41,167 --> 00:16:42,167 - Excuse me, guys. 403 00:16:42,210 --> 00:16:43,330 We're not doing your things, 404 00:16:43,586 --> 00:16:44,586 we're doing my me things. 405 00:16:44,837 --> 00:16:45,880 - You mean me, right? 406 00:16:46,172 --> 00:16:47,172 Exactly: Me. 407 00:16:47,340 --> 00:16:48,340 - Me? - You're all using 408 00:16:48,591 --> 00:16:50,009 that word wrong. 409 00:16:50,301 --> 00:16:51,301 I'm me. - I'm me. 410 00:16:54,597 --> 00:16:57,725 - Uhh! I hate it when they put the 411 00:16:58,017 --> 00:17:01,479 movie poster on the cover of the book that the movie is based on. 412 00:17:01,771 --> 00:17:04,232 Let me imagine what peeta mellark looks like, 413 00:17:04,524 --> 00:17:07,109 and how his arms smell of bread. 414 00:17:07,401 --> 00:17:08,569 Amy, this is great. 415 00:17:08,861 --> 00:17:10,141 We are going to be best friends. 416 00:17:10,363 --> 00:17:12,198 Where should we get dinner? 417 00:17:12,490 --> 00:17:14,867 I don't trust Sushi, Mexican gives me gas, 418 00:17:15,159 --> 00:17:16,759 and I already had a bloomin' onion today. 419 00:17:16,827 --> 00:17:17,870 - Me too. 420 00:17:18,162 --> 00:17:20,140 Also, Ethiopian is out, because I don't want to see a man 421 00:17:20,164 --> 00:17:21,749 with a beard eat with his hands. 422 00:17:22,041 --> 00:17:23,751 And nothing family style. 423 00:17:24,043 --> 00:17:25,670 - Ah! Why is family a selling point? 424 00:17:25,962 --> 00:17:27,189 Look at the state of the American family. 425 00:17:27,213 --> 00:17:30,967 - Not something we'll ever have to worry about at our age. 426 00:17:31,259 --> 00:17:33,970 - I saw a headline about those amoebas that eat your brain, 427 00:17:34,262 --> 00:17:35,462 but I didn't read the article. 428 00:17:35,680 --> 00:17:37,699 - Well, you didn't have time. Our lives are half-over. 429 00:17:37,723 --> 00:17:38,808 - Our mothers lied to us. 430 00:17:39,100 --> 00:17:40,953 - A bike is a vehicle. - Hey, you can't ride a bike 431 00:17:40,977 --> 00:17:41,477 on the sidewalk. 432 00:17:41,769 --> 00:17:44,063 - Oh, my god, I am starving. 433 00:17:44,355 --> 00:17:46,148 We have been wandering around for... 434 00:17:46,440 --> 00:17:49,193 10 minutes? 435 00:17:49,485 --> 00:17:49,902 Oh, brother. 436 00:17:50,194 --> 00:17:53,823 Hanging out with me is awful. 437 00:17:54,115 --> 00:17:56,867 Amy, we can't both be the negative, judgmental one. 438 00:17:57,159 --> 00:17:58,262 - So what? I'm just supposed to sit around 439 00:17:58,286 --> 00:17:59,366 and listen to you complain? 440 00:17:59,537 --> 00:18:02,623 - No. You're supposed to be so vacant and self-absorbed 441 00:18:02,915 --> 00:18:06,586 that you just let me vent without piling on. 442 00:18:06,877 --> 00:18:09,213 I need Jenna. 443 00:18:09,505 --> 00:18:11,841 - I need steffi. 444 00:18:15,011 --> 00:18:17,555 - They say people who kill themselves 445 00:18:17,847 --> 00:18:19,974 never regret it. 446 00:18:20,266 --> 00:18:21,934 - Tracy. Tracy, stop. 447 00:18:22,226 --> 00:18:23,728 I found something for you to live for. 448 00:18:24,020 --> 00:18:26,105 - I already have a room full of old black women. 449 00:18:26,397 --> 00:18:29,650 - No, tray, this is Celia Monroe, from Celia's bakery. 450 00:18:29,942 --> 00:18:31,944 She lives in a nursing home on long island now. 451 00:18:32,236 --> 00:18:34,113 - We're all sleeping with Carl, 452 00:18:34,405 --> 00:18:37,491 because he has the most puzzles. 453 00:18:37,783 --> 00:18:38,284 - But we tracked her down, and she baked you 454 00:18:38,576 --> 00:18:39,744 a banana cream pie, see? 455 00:18:40,036 --> 00:18:41,054 That's something you didn't have. 456 00:18:41,078 --> 00:18:43,706 - So that means there must be other things I don't have. 457 00:18:43,998 --> 00:18:44,998 Other reasons to live. 458 00:18:45,166 --> 00:18:46,406 You guys must have went through 459 00:18:46,584 --> 00:18:47,864 a lot of trouble to show me that. 460 00:18:48,002 --> 00:18:49,086 You must have been upset. 461 00:18:49,378 --> 00:18:50,796 And I know how that feels, 462 00:18:51,088 --> 00:18:52,088 because I've been upset. 463 00:18:52,214 --> 00:18:54,675 I was very upset when you put "no presents" on my 464 00:18:54,967 --> 00:18:56,218 birthday invitations. 465 00:18:56,510 --> 00:18:57,720 - That's what this was about? 466 00:18:58,012 --> 00:19:00,172 Why didn't you just tell us back in your dressing room? 467 00:19:00,389 --> 00:19:02,683 - Because showing is better than telling, 468 00:19:02,975 --> 00:19:06,812 and my schedule is light this week. 469 00:19:07,104 --> 00:19:08,981 Thank you. 470 00:19:23,162 --> 00:19:25,289 I never should have treated you the way I did, Liz. 471 00:19:25,581 --> 00:19:28,000 I need someone who has so little going on in their life, 472 00:19:28,292 --> 00:19:29,627 she lets me get all the attention. 473 00:19:29,919 --> 00:19:31,159 - And I need someone in my life 474 00:19:31,295 --> 00:19:33,089 who doesn't listen to a word I say. 475 00:19:33,381 --> 00:19:35,591 - Thank you, I just got it cut. 476 00:19:35,883 --> 00:19:40,137 - ♪ Some time, you gonna get what you put out ♪ 477 00:19:40,429 --> 00:19:41,889 ♪ ♪ 478 00:19:42,181 --> 00:19:45,893 ♪ I try to stay away but I always come back for more ♪ 479 00:19:46,185 --> 00:19:47,185 ♪ ♪ 480 00:19:47,395 --> 00:19:49,063 - I was wrong. 481 00:19:49,355 --> 00:19:50,355 I do need you. 482 00:19:50,481 --> 00:19:52,692 - You had me at "I was wrong, I do need." 483 00:19:52,983 --> 00:19:54,127 - I can replace just about everything you do, 484 00:19:54,151 --> 00:19:57,613 but no machine could ever be the human waste basket 485 00:19:57,905 --> 00:19:59,615 that I dump my stupid mistakes into. 486 00:19:59,907 --> 00:20:02,493 - Dump, sir. Dump all over me. 487 00:20:02,785 --> 00:20:04,704 - You thumb with a wig, 488 00:20:04,995 --> 00:20:06,955 those gifts were supposed to go to the 60th floor. 489 00:20:07,123 --> 00:20:08,708 - I'm sorry, sir. It was all my fault. 490 00:20:08,999 --> 00:20:11,919 - Good job, Jack. Blame it on an albino. 491 00:20:12,211 --> 00:20:13,963 Classic, 'cause it works. 492 00:20:14,255 --> 00:20:17,550 ♪ ♪ 493 00:20:17,842 --> 00:20:20,720 - I can never replace you guys. 494 00:20:21,011 --> 00:20:22,221 I love you, presents! 495 00:20:22,513 --> 00:20:24,807 Ooh. I have that. 496 00:20:25,099 --> 00:20:30,563 And that. Oh! 497 00:20:30,855 --> 00:20:32,398 I've already got this. 498 00:20:32,690 --> 00:20:36,235 Oh, my goodness. 499 00:20:36,527 --> 00:20:38,946 I already have this. 500 00:20:39,238 --> 00:20:41,907 I definitely don't need that. 501 00:20:43,075 --> 00:20:45,578 ♪ Gather 'round and hear my story ♪ 502 00:20:45,870 --> 00:20:47,288 ♪ 'bout a boy named Ellen ♪ 503 00:20:47,580 --> 00:20:50,624 ♪ first name Kenneth, last name Parcell ♪ 504 00:20:50,916 --> 00:20:54,879 ♪ wasn't born in any glory, a pig farmer's son by birth ♪ 505 00:20:55,171 --> 00:20:58,549 ♪ headed off to New York City to the mouth of hell ♪ 506 00:20:58,841 --> 00:21:02,678 ♪ his hands were never blistered by hammer, axe, or hoe ♪ 507 00:21:02,970 --> 00:21:06,557 ♪ clothes were never soiled with the bloodstains of his foe ♪ 508 00:21:06,849 --> 00:21:09,101 ♪ he taped back-to-back golden girls ♪ 509 00:21:09,393 --> 00:21:10,895 ♪ that no man ought to know ♪ 510 00:21:11,187 --> 00:21:16,150 ♪ he's a page for the ages, Ken Parcell ♪