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00:00:07,049 --> 00:00:08,634
- Liz,
2
00:00:08,926 --> 00:00:10,246
there's something
wrong with Pete.
3
00:00:12,888 --> 00:00:15,432
♪ ♪
4
00:00:15,724 --> 00:00:18,352
- Oh, my god, is he dead?
5
00:00:18,644 --> 00:00:21,355
- I... I don't know
what happened.
6
00:00:25,901 --> 00:00:28,779
- Kenneth, I need a light bulb
replaced in my dressing room.
7
00:00:29,071 --> 00:00:31,740
- Easy as pie, Ms. Maroney.
What could go wrong?
8
00:00:32,032 --> 00:00:35,744
Why would I even say that?
9
00:00:43,752 --> 00:00:45,629
- Hey, whatever
happened to TiVo?
10
00:00:45,921 --> 00:00:46,630
Remember, you
used to fast-forward,
11
00:00:46,922 --> 00:00:48,674
it'd make that sound?
Boop-boop, boop-boop.
12
00:00:48,966 --> 00:00:51,301
- Yeah. Yeah, then it'd
be all like, bung-bung.
13
00:00:51,593 --> 00:00:53,595
- Boop-boop, boop-boop.
- Bung-bung, bung-bung.
14
00:00:53,887 --> 00:00:55,647
Bung-bung, bung-bung.
- Boop-boop, boop-boop.
15
00:00:55,681 --> 00:00:58,767
Boop-boop, boop-boop.
16
00:00:59,059 --> 00:01:01,603
- What's this?
17
00:01:06,650 --> 00:01:10,821
It's Terry, the gender-neutral
doll I had when I was a kid.
18
00:01:11,113 --> 00:01:15,242
And he/she has his/her
baseball glove and baby.
19
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And both sets of genitals!
20
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- That was hard to track down.
21
00:01:19,162 --> 00:01:21,224
Today, almost all of them
are in police evidence lockers.
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So, happy three-month
anniversary,
23
00:01:23,125 --> 00:01:25,061
and happy two-week anniversary
of you going to the bathroom
24
00:01:25,085 --> 00:01:26,128
when I'm here.
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00:01:26,420 --> 00:01:27,780
- You shouldn't
be buying me gifts.
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You should be saving
for your business.
27
00:01:28,922 --> 00:01:30,799
- Oh, I think remembering
our anniversary
28
00:01:31,091 --> 00:01:32,384
is going to get
me some business.
29
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- Aww, yeah!
30
00:01:34,678 --> 00:01:38,849
There's a whole other hand
where that came from, big boy.
31
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Not my best.
32
00:01:40,767 --> 00:01:42,807
- Hey, listen, why don't
you go in late today, okay?
33
00:01:42,978 --> 00:01:44,372
I'll make pancakes
with m&ms in them.
34
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- Fine, I'll stay! Gyah.
35
00:01:45,647 --> 00:01:46,732
- All right.
36
00:01:47,024 --> 00:01:48,042
Do you want a smiley face?
37
00:01:48,066 --> 00:01:50,819
- German flag, please.
38
00:01:54,197 --> 00:01:56,408
- Jordan's comments have
angered gay-rights groups
39
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and are likely
annoying his co-workers
40
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who thought they'd linger
over breakfast this morning,
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perhaps with a new lover.
42
00:02:02,581 --> 00:02:05,292
- Wow, that is some
detailed reporting, Curry.
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00:02:06,501 --> 00:02:12,424
♪ ♪
44
00:02:23,810 --> 00:02:25,896
- When I say "NBC," you say...
45
00:02:26,188 --> 00:02:26,897
All: Over it!
46
00:02:27,189 --> 00:02:28,815
NBC! All: Over it!
47
00:02:29,107 --> 00:02:30,817
NBC! All: Over it!
48
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Word.
49
00:02:32,778 --> 00:02:35,530
Ugh, look at that
old bag from TGS.
50
00:02:35,822 --> 00:02:37,741
- Okay, I am a human being, sir.
51
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Oh, you mean my tote bag.
52
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Yes, I need a new one.
53
00:02:42,537 --> 00:02:44,748
Look, I'm sorry about Tracy.
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He really is a good person.
55
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Do you think I'm
pulling this hat off?
56
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All: No.
57
00:02:52,798 --> 00:02:55,467
From the top! All: Over it!
58
00:02:58,804 --> 00:02:59,822
- Oh, my god, there you are.
59
00:02:59,846 --> 00:03:00,926
We're losing sponsors, Liz.
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Did you know that snuggles
61
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the fabric softener bear is gay?
62
00:03:06,061 --> 00:03:07,437
- He's dating the charmin cub.
63
00:03:07,729 --> 00:03:11,108
I thought they were babies.
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00:03:11,400 --> 00:03:12,693
- Unbelievable.
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00:03:12,984 --> 00:03:15,424
Tracy, do you know how many of
your hard-working and dedicated
66
00:03:15,654 --> 00:03:19,241
co-workers are gay?
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00:03:19,533 --> 00:03:22,619
Him. Him.
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00:03:22,911 --> 00:03:25,914
Her when she's drunk.
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00:03:26,206 --> 00:03:27,999
I genuinely don't know.
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00:03:28,291 --> 00:03:30,293
- That one's a puzzler.
71
00:03:32,796 --> 00:03:35,340
And why did you have to
offend the gay community?
72
00:03:35,632 --> 00:03:39,010
It is the most organized
of all the communities.
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00:03:39,302 --> 00:03:41,221
They make the Japanese
look like the Greeks.
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00:03:41,513 --> 00:03:44,307
- How is what I said
offensive, and that's not?
75
00:03:44,599 --> 00:03:46,852
- Because no one
heard me say it.
76
00:03:47,144 --> 00:03:50,063
Look, I need to know what
we're apologizing for, tray.
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00:03:50,355 --> 00:03:52,190
What did you say?
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00:03:52,482 --> 00:03:53,984
- Being gay is stupid.
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00:03:54,276 --> 00:03:56,903
If you want to see a
penis, take off your pants.
80
00:03:57,195 --> 00:03:58,447
If I got turned into a gay,
81
00:03:58,739 --> 00:04:00,907
I'd sit around all day
and look at my own junk.
82
00:04:01,199 --> 00:04:02,868
- Oh, my god.
83
00:04:03,160 --> 00:04:05,829
First of all, if you "got
turned into a gay"?
84
00:04:06,121 --> 00:04:08,081
Do you think the people
of Raleigh, north Carolina
85
00:04:08,373 --> 00:04:09,875
turned Clay aiken gay?
86
00:04:10,167 --> 00:04:12,294
- Why not? The Bronx
turned me dyslexic.
87
00:04:12,586 --> 00:04:14,755
- Look, you're a public
figure, and believe it or not,
88
00:04:15,046 --> 00:04:18,425
the dumb things you say
may influence or hurt people.
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00:04:18,717 --> 00:04:19,717
You need to apologize.
90
00:04:19,801 --> 00:04:21,970
- I already called
glaad, Liz Lemon.
91
00:04:22,262 --> 00:04:23,597
- Thank you for calling glad,
92
00:04:23,889 --> 00:04:25,974
stronger trash bags
with less plastic.
93
00:04:26,266 --> 00:04:27,586
This is Diane. How
may I help you?
94
00:04:27,851 --> 00:04:30,020
- Hey Diane, it's Tracy Jordan.
95
00:04:30,312 --> 00:04:31,396
Sorry about what I said.
96
00:04:31,688 --> 00:04:33,064
- Well, okeydokey.
97
00:04:33,356 --> 00:04:34,816
- That's the wrong
"glad," Tracy.
98
00:04:35,108 --> 00:04:37,068
- Whatever. I'm tired of
apologizing all the time
99
00:04:37,360 --> 00:04:38,695
for just being myself.
100
00:04:38,987 --> 00:04:41,031
Remember when I
offended stubborn people?
101
00:04:41,323 --> 00:04:42,699
That took forever to sort out.
102
00:04:42,991 --> 00:04:43,991
- Well, Tracy,
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00:04:44,242 --> 00:04:45,242
I know you don't want me
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00:04:45,327 --> 00:04:45,952
writing an apology for you.
105
00:04:46,244 --> 00:04:47,662
- That's terrific, thank you.
106
00:04:47,954 --> 00:04:49,206
- Aww.
107
00:04:52,250 --> 00:04:53,250
- Lemon.
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00:04:53,418 --> 00:04:55,354
- I'm on top of the Tracy
thing. I just spoke to him...
109
00:04:55,378 --> 00:05:00,008
- actually, I want to talk to
you about something else.
110
00:05:00,300 --> 00:05:02,219
Because of my unfortunate
situation with Avery,
111
00:05:02,511 --> 00:05:03,970
I'm alone.
112
00:05:04,262 --> 00:05:05,364
And I know, of course, that
you're not seeing anyone,
113
00:05:05,388 --> 00:05:08,266
therefore I've
decided that you and I
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00:05:08,558 --> 00:05:09,786
should become
friends with benefits.
115
00:05:09,810 --> 00:05:11,686
- No, thank you, please.
116
00:05:11,978 --> 00:05:14,064
- Aha! The only reason
you would reject that offer
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00:05:14,356 --> 00:05:15,458
is if you had a
secret boyfriend.
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00:05:15,482 --> 00:05:17,734
- Right, that's the only reason.
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00:05:18,026 --> 00:05:19,420
- I saw you, Lemon.
At the movies, last night,
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00:05:19,444 --> 00:05:21,488
with your mouth on a man.
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00:05:23,573 --> 00:05:24,853
- Why would you
keep this from me
122
00:05:25,075 --> 00:05:26,368
after all of our time together?
123
00:05:26,660 --> 00:05:29,204
This is hurtful, Elizabeth.
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00:05:29,496 --> 00:05:30,121
What's his name?
125
00:05:30,413 --> 00:05:31,998
- I don't want to tell you.
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00:05:32,290 --> 00:05:33,370
- Why? Is it a stupid name,
127
00:05:33,500 --> 00:05:35,168
like "Dakota" or "Barack"?
128
00:05:35,460 --> 00:05:36,795
- His name is "Chris,"
129
00:05:37,087 --> 00:05:38,105
and I'm sorry, but
for my own reasons...
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00:05:38,129 --> 00:05:39,256
- and "Chris" is spelled?
131
00:05:39,548 --> 00:05:42,050
- No "h" and two "s"s.
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00:05:42,342 --> 00:05:44,594
That! Right there, that's
why I didn't want to tell you,
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00:05:44,886 --> 00:05:46,566
because I knew you
wouldn't approve of him.
134
00:05:46,847 --> 00:05:47,990
- Why? What does
he do for a living?
135
00:05:48,014 --> 00:05:49,266
- Criss is trying to...
136
00:05:49,558 --> 00:05:51,184
- you can stop right there.
137
00:05:51,476 --> 00:05:53,120
- He's an entrepreneur.
He's currently meeting with
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00:05:53,144 --> 00:05:54,688
investors in the
hopes of starting an
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00:05:54,980 --> 00:05:56,314
organic gourmet hot dog truck.
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00:05:56,606 --> 00:05:58,900
- Lemon, I have said
"good god" to you before,
141
00:05:59,192 --> 00:06:01,862
but I don't think I've
ever meant it until now.
142
00:06:02,153 --> 00:06:03,153
Good god!
143
00:06:03,280 --> 00:06:04,400
Where does this person live?
144
00:06:04,489 --> 00:06:07,117
- Don't worry about it.
- How bad can it be?
145
00:06:07,409 --> 00:06:10,161
Jersey city? His
parents' apartment?
146
00:06:10,453 --> 00:06:12,163
It's not a walk-up, is it?
147
00:06:12,455 --> 00:06:14,615
- He's actually been living
with me for the past month.
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00:06:14,875 --> 00:06:16,501
- Ah.
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00:06:16,793 --> 00:06:19,421
- No, I am not engaging, I
am not inviting input, Jack,
150
00:06:19,713 --> 00:06:20,422
because Criss is different.
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00:06:20,714 --> 00:06:21,923
- How is he different?
152
00:06:22,215 --> 00:06:23,484
- Well, that's just
a stupid question.
153
00:06:23,508 --> 00:06:24,908
I mean, I'm more
relaxed around him.
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00:06:25,176 --> 00:06:29,222
My jaw stopped popping. Listen.
155
00:06:29,514 --> 00:06:31,600
And for once I'm not
overthinking everything,
156
00:06:31,892 --> 00:06:33,894
which is why I don't
want you in my head.
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00:06:34,185 --> 00:06:36,897
- Ah, but I'm already
in your head, Lemon.
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00:06:37,188 --> 00:06:38,875
The fact that you felt
you had to keep "Chris,"
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00:06:38,899 --> 00:06:41,359
and I'm saying his name
with an "h" and only one "s",
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00:06:41,651 --> 00:06:44,946
the fact that you kept
him from me simply proves
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00:06:45,238 --> 00:06:46,716
that it doesn't matter
whether I meet him or not.
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00:06:46,740 --> 00:06:48,283
You already know
what I would say,
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00:06:48,575 --> 00:06:49,575
and you know I'm right.
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00:06:49,743 --> 00:06:51,143
- I'm ignoring you.
You're not here.
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00:06:51,411 --> 00:06:52,680
Who's not here,
Liz? I don't know, Liz.
166
00:06:52,704 --> 00:06:54,581
I love you. Oh, I love you too.
167
00:06:54,873 --> 00:06:56,684
- So I might as well meet
him and get it over with.
168
00:06:56,708 --> 00:06:57,751
I'll probably love him.
169
00:06:58,043 --> 00:06:59,461
After all, we're
both Princeton men.
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00:06:59,753 --> 00:07:02,339
- Princeton? No,
Criss went to... no!
171
00:07:02,631 --> 00:07:04,442
I am on to you. I am not
going to talk about him.
172
00:07:04,466 --> 00:07:07,052
- You can't keep me out.
173
00:07:14,601 --> 00:07:16,037
- Oh, Ms. Maroney. I'm
afraid I have bad news.
174
00:07:16,061 --> 00:07:17,061
- Jenny McCarthy died?
175
00:07:17,270 --> 00:07:18,998
But who could have
been slowly poisoning her?
176
00:07:19,022 --> 00:07:20,583
Was she poisoned? I
have no way of knowing,
177
00:07:20,607 --> 00:07:21,918
because I'm just
hearing about it.
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00:07:21,942 --> 00:07:23,735
- No, ma'am, I
spoke to maintenance
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00:07:24,027 --> 00:07:25,787
about replacing the
light bulbs in your room,
180
00:07:25,987 --> 00:07:30,951
but Mr. Subhas is refusing
to do any work for TGS
181
00:07:31,242 --> 00:07:32,845
until Mr. Jordan issues
an apology for his remarks.
182
00:07:32,869 --> 00:07:34,180
He also said that
he thinks, quote,
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00:07:34,204 --> 00:07:36,414
"sexuality is a
continuum," and he is but
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00:07:36,706 --> 00:07:41,670
a voyager on a vast
ocean of pleasure.
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00:07:41,962 --> 00:07:43,338
- This is unacceptable, Kenneth.
186
00:07:43,630 --> 00:07:44,774
Do you understand how important
187
00:07:44,798 --> 00:07:46,466
proper lighting
is to an actress?
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00:07:46,758 --> 00:07:49,010
Especially now that I'm
officially a "b-list" celebrity,
189
00:07:49,302 --> 00:07:51,471
thanks to America's
Kids Got Singing.
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00:07:51,763 --> 00:07:53,848
- Oh, congratulations,
Ms. Maroney.
191
00:07:54,140 --> 00:07:55,600
- I just found out this morning,
192
00:07:55,892 --> 00:07:58,728
Teri Polo and Ving
Rhames called me at home.
193
00:07:59,020 --> 00:08:01,147
So what if a tour came by
and some Fanny pack fatty
194
00:08:01,439 --> 00:08:04,651
took a picture of me in my
poorly-lit dressing room?
195
00:08:04,943 --> 00:08:07,404
And then they put the
picture on the Internet?
196
00:08:07,696 --> 00:08:10,573
That can't happen.
197
00:08:10,865 --> 00:08:12,534
I need my special,
pink-gel fluorescents,
198
00:08:12,826 --> 00:08:13,952
and I need them now.
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00:08:14,244 --> 00:08:16,830
- But only maintenance is
allowed in the supply room.
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00:08:17,122 --> 00:08:19,416
- Kenneth, do this for me,
201
00:08:19,708 --> 00:08:21,459
someone I hope
you consider a friend,
202
00:08:21,751 --> 00:08:23,253
and who in return thinks of you
203
00:08:23,545 --> 00:08:25,505
as sort of an albino
slave-monkey.
204
00:08:25,797 --> 00:08:27,590
- Aw, you think of me?
205
00:08:27,882 --> 00:08:29,175
Mm-hmm.
206
00:08:29,467 --> 00:08:31,136
- But I don't have a key.
207
00:08:31,428 --> 00:08:33,555
- You think we need a key?
208
00:08:33,847 --> 00:08:35,491
I guess someone's never
been locked in a dog crate
209
00:08:35,515 --> 00:08:40,061
and thrown overboard
for displeasing the sheikh.
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00:08:43,398 --> 00:08:46,818
- A statement from TGS head
writer Elizabeth Lemon, adding...
211
00:08:47,110 --> 00:08:50,363
I gotta get a real headshot.
212
00:08:58,747 --> 00:09:00,391
- In other news, after
lots of high financial...
213
00:09:00,415 --> 00:09:03,126
- And now, I am headed
home for a "nooner,"
214
00:09:03,418 --> 00:09:09,049
which is what I call
having pancakes for lunch.
215
00:09:09,340 --> 00:09:11,676
- Liz Lemon, did you just
call me an idiot on this TV?
216
00:09:11,968 --> 00:09:12,968
- Yeah, but...
217
00:09:14,929 --> 00:09:17,515
- And what exactly is
that supposed to mean?
218
00:09:17,807 --> 00:09:19,285
- It means you're someone
who should know better,
219
00:09:19,309 --> 00:09:21,311
but you constantly
do stupid things.
220
00:09:21,603 --> 00:09:26,941
- How dare you! I am nonplussed,
and that is the correct usage.
221
00:09:27,233 --> 00:09:28,633
You have offended
and humiliated me.
222
00:09:28,860 --> 00:09:30,046
- Well, maybe now you
know how gay people felt
223
00:09:30,070 --> 00:09:32,322
when you suggested
that they sit around all day
224
00:09:32,614 --> 00:09:33,907
and look at their own junk.
225
00:09:34,199 --> 00:09:35,617
- Wait. Why don't they do that?
226
00:09:37,994 --> 00:09:40,246
- Okay, you're right,
L.L. I do get how they felt.
227
00:09:40,538 --> 00:09:44,626
Insulted, marginalized,
and outraged.
228
00:09:44,918 --> 00:09:47,337
Which is why I'm going
to do exactly what they did
229
00:09:47,629 --> 00:09:50,548
and organize a
protest of this network.
230
00:09:50,840 --> 00:09:52,342
- A protest? By whom?
231
00:09:52,634 --> 00:09:54,302
- By idiots!
232
00:09:58,681 --> 00:09:59,766
What an idiot.
233
00:10:00,058 --> 00:10:02,060
- All right, I'm out.
234
00:10:02,352 --> 00:10:03,537
I've been dealing
with Tracy all morning,
235
00:10:03,561 --> 00:10:05,281
and clearly this is
only going to get worse.
236
00:10:05,396 --> 00:10:07,398
Time to go into
Hornberger crisis mode.
237
00:10:07,690 --> 00:10:09,668
- Is that when you cry
on the floor in your office?
238
00:10:09,692 --> 00:10:10,711
- Nope, I do that
when I see myself
239
00:10:10,735 --> 00:10:12,070
in the mirror on my birthday.
240
00:10:12,362 --> 00:10:16,324
Crisis mode is when I down
a couple of sleeping pills
241
00:10:16,616 --> 00:10:19,119
with scotch, pass out in
my secret napping place,
242
00:10:19,410 --> 00:10:21,496
and hope I dream about
that latina security guard.
243
00:10:21,788 --> 00:10:23,498
- The one you always
kiss on the mouth.
244
00:10:23,790 --> 00:10:25,125
- That's normal in Guatemala.
245
00:10:25,416 --> 00:10:26,793
- Oh.
246
00:10:29,003 --> 00:10:31,339
- Picking a lock
is like riding a bike.
247
00:10:31,631 --> 00:10:32,757
They're both skills you need
248
00:10:33,049 --> 00:10:37,220
to escape the Atlanta
falcons' equipment room.
249
00:10:37,512 --> 00:10:38,513
- Hurry, Ms. Maroney.
250
00:10:38,805 --> 00:10:40,223
If Mr. Subhas finds us in here,
251
00:10:40,515 --> 00:10:41,742
I don't even know
what he'll say,
252
00:10:41,766 --> 00:10:43,059
because I can't understand him.
253
00:10:43,351 --> 00:10:45,478
- There! My pink fluorescents.
254
00:10:45,770 --> 00:10:48,273
They're the same lights poultry
farms use to keep the birds
255
00:10:48,565 --> 00:10:51,568
from pecking
each other to death.
256
00:10:57,782 --> 00:10:59,325
Are you as turned
on as I am right now?
257
00:10:59,617 --> 00:11:01,494
- Oh, we have to clean this up.
258
00:11:01,786 --> 00:11:04,122
"Fluorescent lights
contain Mercury."
259
00:11:04,414 --> 00:11:05,123
That's poisonous.
260
00:11:05,415 --> 00:11:07,083
- I'm well aware
of that, Kenneth.
261
00:11:07,375 --> 00:11:09,375
I faked Mercury poisoning
to get out of my contract
262
00:11:09,544 --> 00:11:10,729
with trivial pursuit.
Ff' the musical.
263
00:11:10,753 --> 00:11:14,591
- "If broken, remove all
people and pets from the room"?
264
00:11:14,883 --> 00:11:15,508
Why? Are there fumes?
265
00:11:15,800 --> 00:11:18,011
Are we breathing
Mercury fumes right now?
266
00:11:18,303 --> 00:11:21,598
- Kenneth. I'm going to tell
you what I told Phil spector.
267
00:11:21,890 --> 00:11:23,308
"It's gonna be okay, baby.
268
00:11:23,600 --> 00:11:24,869
"We just have to
get some trash bags
269
00:11:24,893 --> 00:11:26,853
"and get back here
before anyone's the wiser.
270
00:11:27,145 --> 00:11:30,481
Then we can keep
recording my album."
271
00:11:42,952 --> 00:11:44,662
- Oh, come on, Subhas.
272
00:11:44,954 --> 00:11:49,292
Got to keep daddy's
special sleepy-place clean.
273
00:11:50,835 --> 00:11:53,796
- Hey, so check this out.
274
00:11:54,088 --> 00:11:56,591
I think I saw Billy Dee Williams
in riverside park this morning
275
00:11:56,883 --> 00:11:57,883
when I was meeting dogs.
276
00:11:59,719 --> 00:12:02,156
- Now that seems like a good
use of time for a busy entrepreneur.
277
00:12:02,180 --> 00:12:06,434
Hello, Lemon. Chew
with your mouth closed.
278
00:12:06,726 --> 00:12:08,561
- So, question about
lando Calrissian...
279
00:12:08,853 --> 00:12:09,853
Is that an Armenian name?
280
00:12:10,063 --> 00:12:11,314
Is he a space Armenian?
281
00:12:11,606 --> 00:12:13,149
I don't know.
282
00:12:13,441 --> 00:12:14,919
The Kardashians are
Armenian, they're into black guys,
283
00:12:14,943 --> 00:12:16,694
so there's something to it...
284
00:12:16,986 --> 00:12:18,655
- I like how his voice goes up
285
00:12:18,947 --> 00:12:21,157
at the ends of sentences.
286
00:12:21,449 --> 00:12:24,118
That's very masculine.
287
00:12:24,410 --> 00:12:27,705
Oh, my. Is that a tan
line on Criss' thumb?
288
00:12:27,997 --> 00:12:30,041
Did Criss used to
wear a thumb ring?
289
00:12:35,129 --> 00:12:36,273
Oh, better hold on to this one.
290
00:12:36,297 --> 00:12:38,716
He's getting a free muffin soon.
291
00:12:39,008 --> 00:12:44,013
Wow, I've never seen a
Sunglass Hut credit card before.
292
00:12:46,891 --> 00:12:50,561
Oh, a ukulele with an
Obama sticker on it.
293
00:12:50,853 --> 00:12:54,691
Hmm. ♪ This guy might suck ♪
294
00:12:54,983 --> 00:12:57,026
- That was a gift from
Criss' kickball team.
295
00:12:57,318 --> 00:12:58,598
- Well, I think
I've seen enough.
296
00:13:01,406 --> 00:13:02,925
- Which totally supports your
theory that the Phillie Phanatic
297
00:13:02,949 --> 00:13:04,325
is biologically a female.
298
00:13:04,617 --> 00:13:05,719
- Oh, yeah, if you
watch those games,
299
00:13:05,743 --> 00:13:07,662
that thing definitely
has a menstrual cycle.
300
00:13:07,954 --> 00:13:10,540
- Right?
- You gonna put on pants today?
301
00:13:10,832 --> 00:13:13,334
- Eh.
302
00:13:13,626 --> 00:13:16,462
- I'm in your head.
303
00:13:27,390 --> 00:13:29,475
- We're here, we're proud,
I came up with this rhyme!
304
00:13:29,767 --> 00:13:32,937
You brought this on
yourself, Liz Lemon.
305
00:13:33,229 --> 00:13:35,356
The so-called idiot
community will not be silenced.
306
00:13:35,648 --> 00:13:36,983
- For god's sake, Tracy.
307
00:13:37,275 --> 00:13:39,652
- We are legion. We are america.
308
00:13:39,944 --> 00:13:43,698
Frat guys, DJs,
loud-mouthed old bitches,
309
00:13:43,990 --> 00:13:46,492
investment bankers,
the tramp-stamped,
310
00:13:46,784 --> 00:13:49,579
parrot-heads,
anti-vaccination crusaders,
311
00:13:49,871 --> 00:13:52,457
and people who won't
shut up about scuba diving.
312
00:13:52,749 --> 00:13:54,417
- It's a whole other
world down there.
313
00:13:54,709 --> 00:13:56,586
- And our celebrity
spokesperson,
314
00:13:56,878 --> 00:13:58,296
actress Denise Richards.
315
00:14:01,174 --> 00:14:05,803
- That's right. I'm
an idiot. Surprised?
316
00:14:06,095 --> 00:14:09,265
Well, I am. For all
"intensive purposes."
317
00:14:09,557 --> 00:14:11,809
- Our community is
mobilized now, L.L.
318
00:14:12,101 --> 00:14:13,661
And we're not leaving
until we're heard.
319
00:14:15,897 --> 00:14:17,440
You can't ignore us, Liz Lemon.
320
00:14:17,732 --> 00:14:21,652
We will be out here every day,
misremembering movie quotes.
321
00:14:21,944 --> 00:14:24,197
Because as braveheart said,
322
00:14:24,489 --> 00:14:27,450
"you can take our freedom,
unless you take our lives."
323
00:14:30,244 --> 00:14:32,622
- Say you approve
of Criss, Jack.
324
00:14:32,914 --> 00:14:34,499
- Am I in your head, Lemon?
325
00:14:34,791 --> 00:14:36,376
- Yes, but don't be so proud.
326
00:14:36,667 --> 00:14:38,062
I also have a lot of
imaginary arguments
327
00:14:38,086 --> 00:14:39,406
with the couples
on house hunters.
328
00:14:39,504 --> 00:14:41,464
Why can't people
look past paint color?
329
00:14:41,756 --> 00:14:43,516
- Lemon, obviously I
can't approve of someone
330
00:14:43,674 --> 00:14:44,674
I've never met.
331
00:14:44,926 --> 00:14:45,986
- Yeah, well, I'm not
letting you meet Criss,
332
00:14:46,010 --> 00:14:47,290
because you won't
approve of him.
333
00:14:47,428 --> 00:14:49,430
- Well, then I guess
this is a catch-22.
334
00:14:49,722 --> 00:14:51,742
Although I don't know for
sure, because I refuse to read
335
00:14:51,766 --> 00:14:53,410
literature that questions
the morality of war.
336
00:14:53,434 --> 00:14:55,812
- Look, clearly I
hurt your feelings.
337
00:14:56,104 --> 00:14:58,189
You're upset that I
didn't tell you about Criss.
338
00:14:58,481 --> 00:15:00,608
- No, no, no, I'm quite
over your subterfuge,
339
00:15:00,900 --> 00:15:03,694
although I do expect
a note of apology.
340
00:15:03,986 --> 00:15:06,239
And don't try to make
it funny. Just apologize.
341
00:15:06,531 --> 00:15:08,131
- But I feel like people
expect comedy...
342
00:15:08,282 --> 00:15:09,450
- they don't.
343
00:15:09,742 --> 00:15:11,869
It's exhausting.
344
00:15:12,161 --> 00:15:13,764
However, you're right that I
am having an emotional reaction.
345
00:15:13,788 --> 00:15:15,788
It's very frustrating to
watch someone I care about
346
00:15:15,915 --> 00:15:18,334
do something she clearly
knows is bad for her,
347
00:15:18,626 --> 00:15:20,795
like that week you wore
those Blue contact lenses.
348
00:15:21,087 --> 00:15:24,257
- I looked like Adriana Lima.
349
00:15:24,549 --> 00:15:25,984
And you don't know
that Criss is bad for me,
350
00:15:26,008 --> 00:15:27,009
and you never will.
351
00:15:27,301 --> 00:15:28,981
So you better get on
board the Criss train.
352
00:15:29,220 --> 00:15:32,223
Criss-a, Criss, Criss, Criss-a,
353
00:15:32,515 --> 00:15:34,725
Criss-a, Criss-a,
Criss-a, Criss-a,
354
00:15:35,017 --> 00:15:36,477
Criss-a, Criss-a,
Criss-a, Criss-a,
355
00:15:36,769 --> 00:15:40,648
Criss train!
356
00:15:40,940 --> 00:15:41,315
Do you have any water?
357
00:15:41,607 --> 00:15:43,651
- You know what, Lemon?
358
00:15:43,943 --> 00:15:48,656
Fine. You are
technically an adult.
359
00:15:48,948 --> 00:15:53,703
You can do whatever you want.
360
00:15:53,995 --> 00:15:56,706
- Really? So I won?
361
00:15:56,998 --> 00:15:57,707
With the train thing?
362
00:15:57,999 --> 00:16:00,626
- I won't ask any
questions about Criss again.
363
00:16:00,918 --> 00:16:02,753
- You promise?
364
00:16:03,045 --> 00:16:06,424
- Promise. With two "s" s.
365
00:16:06,716 --> 00:16:09,927
I would, however, like to
ask you why Tracy is outside
366
00:16:10,219 --> 00:16:12,221
cursing this network
on a megaphone.
367
00:16:12,513 --> 00:16:13,806
- It's a good one, Jack.
368
00:16:14,098 --> 00:16:17,310
Tracy has organized a protest
of NBC by his fellow idiots.
369
00:16:17,602 --> 00:16:20,605
- He what? No, no, no,
no, no. We need idiots.
370
00:16:20,897 --> 00:16:23,608
You certainly need idiots.
371
00:16:23,900 --> 00:16:25,043
Who do you think is
watching your show?
372
00:16:25,067 --> 00:16:27,695
- Funky taste-makers?
373
00:16:27,987 --> 00:16:28,987
- Black nerds,
374
00:16:29,071 --> 00:16:32,074
jet Blue passengers who
fall asleep with the TV on,
375
00:16:32,366 --> 00:16:34,785
pets whose owners
have died, and, uh, idiots.
376
00:16:35,077 --> 00:16:35,745
You need to fix this.
377
00:16:36,037 --> 00:16:38,414
I don't know what to
say to those people.
378
00:16:38,706 --> 00:16:41,501
- You wrote "remember to
DVR Kendra ''on your hand."
379
00:16:41,792 --> 00:16:43,753
I think you can handle it.
380
00:16:44,045 --> 00:16:45,963
- Ah, no, damn it.
381
00:16:46,255 --> 00:16:49,050
Now I gotta pray for a marathon.
382
00:16:56,015 --> 00:17:00,353
- Jiminy Cricket, copyright
Walt Disney Company, 1940!
383
00:17:00,645 --> 00:17:05,691
Mr. Hornberger? Sir?
384
00:17:07,527 --> 00:17:08,736
- Pete!
385
00:17:09,028 --> 00:17:12,615
It's Jenna! The woman
you're in love with!
386
00:17:12,907 --> 00:17:13,407
What's wrong with him?
387
00:17:13,699 --> 00:17:15,993
Is this because of the Mercury?
388
00:17:16,285 --> 00:17:19,830
What does the box say?
389
00:17:20,122 --> 00:17:22,059
- "For a complete catalog
of our lighting products,
390
00:17:22,083 --> 00:17:26,629
visit our website."
We need a computer.
391
00:17:26,921 --> 00:17:27,296
Poor Mr. Hornberger.
392
00:17:27,588 --> 00:17:29,799
He came in here to do
something for the show,
393
00:17:30,091 --> 00:17:31,902
something important, and
now look what we've done.
394
00:17:31,926 --> 00:17:34,679
- What you've done.
You broke the lights.
395
00:17:34,971 --> 00:17:37,848
- We have to get help.
396
00:17:42,395 --> 00:17:44,105
- Are you out of your mind?
397
00:17:44,397 --> 00:17:46,357
- We need to call security,
and an ambulance.
398
00:17:46,649 --> 00:17:48,067
- Think, you fool.
399
00:17:48,359 --> 00:17:50,444
Imagine what the
Internet would do with this.
400
00:17:50,736 --> 00:17:53,030
"Maroney found in closet
with unconscious married man
401
00:17:53,322 --> 00:17:55,366
and inbred virgin."
402
00:17:55,658 --> 00:17:58,911
Again? No way. I have
too much to lose now.
403
00:17:59,203 --> 00:18:00,222
I am this close to becoming
404
00:18:00,246 --> 00:18:03,416
the spokeswoman for
the vaginal mesh industry.
405
00:18:03,708 --> 00:18:07,753
Vaginal mesh.
Nice try, prolapse.
406
00:18:08,045 --> 00:18:10,190
Now, if you want to take
the fall for this, be my guest.
407
00:18:10,214 --> 00:18:11,817
But I can't be connected
to it in any way.
408
00:18:11,841 --> 00:18:12,925
- Take what fall?
409
00:18:13,217 --> 00:18:14,760
- Oh, please.
410
00:18:15,052 --> 00:18:16,972
You said it yourself how
many rules we've broken.
411
00:18:17,179 --> 00:18:19,324
"B" and "e", theft and
destruction of company property.
412
00:18:19,348 --> 00:18:21,851
And who knows what
we've done to Pete.
413
00:18:22,143 --> 00:18:23,811
If anyone connects
you to this...
414
00:18:24,103 --> 00:18:25,396
- I'll get fired.
415
00:18:25,688 --> 00:18:27,416
They'd kick me out of the
page program faster than
416
00:18:27,440 --> 00:18:29,942
a fella can come up
with folksy similes.
417
00:18:36,115 --> 00:18:37,950
- No one can know
this was our fault.
418
00:18:38,242 --> 00:18:40,828
- But we have to
help Mr. Hornberger.
419
00:18:41,120 --> 00:18:42,120
What do we do?
420
00:18:42,163 --> 00:18:43,163
- I don't know.
421
00:18:43,247 --> 00:18:46,834
But I know someone who does.
422
00:18:49,503 --> 00:18:49,879
- Talk to me.
423
00:18:50,171 --> 00:18:51,505
I'm on my way.
424
00:18:51,797 --> 00:18:53,277
Any idea what bus
I take to get there?
425
00:18:55,217 --> 00:18:56,594
'Cause I'm in Chinatown, baby.
426
00:18:56,886 --> 00:18:58,262
- Hi, this is
Tracy's cell phone.
427
00:18:58,554 --> 00:18:59,847
Dot Com, hold
the steering wheel.
428
00:19:00,139 --> 00:19:01,974
I've got to leave my
outgoing message.
429
00:19:02,266 --> 00:19:03,559
What did I just hit?
430
00:19:03,851 --> 00:19:05,811
Was that a person?
Is that paint or blood?
431
00:19:06,103 --> 00:19:07,813
Dot Com, this did not happen.
432
00:19:08,105 --> 00:19:10,900
We take this to our graves!
433
00:19:11,192 --> 00:19:14,195
- Tracy, uh, this is Liz.
Please call my office.
434
00:19:14,487 --> 00:19:16,238
My extension, as
you have pointed out,
435
00:19:16,530 --> 00:19:17,698
spells "anus" with an "I".
436
00:19:21,702 --> 00:19:23,954
Hey, what's up?
- What time you coming home?
437
00:19:24,246 --> 00:19:28,876
Because I'm... ♪ taking
you out to dinner ♪
438
00:19:29,168 --> 00:19:30,168
- What?
439
00:19:30,419 --> 00:19:32,880
- I called Sunglass Hut and
got my credit limit raised to $80,
440
00:19:33,172 --> 00:19:35,412
plus, they told me I only
needed 5,000 more shades points
441
00:19:35,508 --> 00:19:36,634
to get free lens wipes,
442
00:19:36,926 --> 00:19:38,320
and I haven't even gotten
to the good news yet.
443
00:19:38,344 --> 00:19:40,012
- That's all awesome.
What happened?
444
00:19:40,304 --> 00:19:41,624
- I got an investor
for the truck.
445
00:19:41,847 --> 00:19:44,225
I went over my whole business
plan, guy gave me ten grand.
446
00:19:44,517 --> 00:19:44,975
- Oh, my god.
447
00:19:45,267 --> 00:19:46,936
Okay, if you got it in cash,
448
00:19:47,228 --> 00:19:48,455
we can spread the
money out on the bed
449
00:19:48,479 --> 00:19:49,105
and kiss on top of it.
450
00:19:49,397 --> 00:19:51,065
But nothing more.
And I have a cold sore.
451
00:19:51,357 --> 00:19:53,275
- Damn it. No, it's a check.
452
00:19:53,567 --> 00:19:58,948
But look at it. It's beautiful.
453
00:19:59,240 --> 00:20:03,953
- It's him.
454
00:20:04,245 --> 00:20:08,165
Not cool.
455
00:20:12,586 --> 00:20:14,380
- ♪ Who's that man
behind the curtain ♪
456
00:20:14,672 --> 00:20:16,340
♪ his kiss will
make you certain ♪
457
00:20:16,632 --> 00:20:18,300
♪ of the one name
you'll be blurtin' ♪
458
00:20:18,592 --> 00:20:21,762
♪ during love-making ♪
459
00:20:22,054 --> 00:20:25,808
♪ Kelsey, Kelsey ♪
460
00:20:26,100 --> 00:20:28,686
♪ one touch and
you're not caring ♪
461
00:20:28,978 --> 00:20:30,539
♪ how much you paid repairing ♪
462
00:20:30,563 --> 00:20:34,358
♪ that China hutch that
you kicked down the stairs ♪
463
00:20:34,650 --> 00:20:36,694
♪ during love-making ♪
464
00:20:36,986 --> 00:20:40,114
♪ thanks to Kelsey,
his name is Kelsey ♪
465
00:20:40,406 --> 00:20:43,284
♪ his friends call him Kelsey ♪
466
00:20:43,576 --> 00:20:49,331
♪ or sometimes just "kels" ♪
467
00:20:50,249 --> 00:20:58,249
♪ ♪
468
00:20:59,842 --> 00:21:03,429
♪ his name is Kelsey,
he's very wealthy ♪
469
00:21:03,721 --> 00:21:07,725
♪ he doesn't have
to be doing this ♪
470
00:21:08,017 --> 00:21:13,606
♪ Kelsey ♪