1 00:00:01,793 --> 00:00:04,963 - ♪ And the home of the ♪ 2 00:00:05,255 --> 00:00:09,843 ♪ brave ♪ 3 00:00:10,135 --> 00:00:12,387 - Jason, I really like your look. 4 00:00:12,679 --> 00:00:14,515 You had it poppin' tonight. 5 00:00:14,806 --> 00:00:15,807 - I totally disagree. 6 00:00:16,099 --> 00:00:17,684 Because I love your look. 7 00:00:17,976 --> 00:00:19,311 You're a star. 8 00:00:19,603 --> 00:00:20,979 Believe in your dreams. 9 00:00:21,271 --> 00:00:22,981 Thank you. - Jason, 10 00:00:23,273 --> 00:00:25,859 have you ever put out a cigar on Gilbert gottfried's neck? 11 00:00:26,151 --> 00:00:27,736 Because I have, and his screams 12 00:00:28,028 --> 00:00:29,446 were the worst thing I'd ever heard. 13 00:00:29,738 --> 00:00:30,906 Until tonight. 14 00:00:31,198 --> 00:00:32,783 Congratulations, you're a disgrace. 15 00:00:36,620 --> 00:00:38,580 - ♪ Shoo-bee-doo-bee, shoo-bee-doo-bee-doobee ♪ 16 00:00:38,872 --> 00:00:43,126 ♪ shoo-bee-doo-bee ♪ ah! I rolled my ankle. God! 17 00:00:43,418 --> 00:00:44,604 - Also, Jason, if you think you're passing for straight, 18 00:00:44,628 --> 00:00:46,797 you're embarrassing yourself. 19 00:00:47,089 --> 00:00:49,091 - 17 million people watched that show last night. 20 00:00:49,383 --> 00:00:50,863 - Not me. I've got better things to do 21 00:00:50,926 --> 00:00:52,803 than watch Jenna humiliate children. 22 00:00:53,095 --> 00:00:55,472 - So you don't care that Shayla made it to the next round? 23 00:00:55,764 --> 00:00:58,100 - How? She is so pitchy. - What can I tell you? 24 00:00:58,392 --> 00:01:00,852 The audience just loves Shayla's personal story. 25 00:01:01,144 --> 00:01:04,982 Did you know that both her mothers are serial killers? 26 00:01:05,274 --> 00:01:06,692 That's america. 27 00:01:06,984 --> 00:01:10,279 - ♪ Shoo-bee-doo-bee, shoo-bee-doo-bee-doobee ♪ 28 00:01:10,571 --> 00:01:12,823 So, did you miss me over the break? 29 00:01:13,115 --> 00:01:15,742 - Of course. A little less than my kidnapped wife, 30 00:01:16,034 --> 00:01:17,394 but I did get a nice Christmas card 31 00:01:17,578 --> 00:01:20,581 from Avery and Kim jong-UN. 32 00:01:23,250 --> 00:01:25,627 At least I had some quality time with Liddy. 33 00:01:25,919 --> 00:01:28,797 She's like a little human tumbler of scotch. 34 00:01:29,089 --> 00:01:30,409 - You turning soft on me, Donaghy? 35 00:01:30,591 --> 00:01:32,318 If you want, I can recommend a good gynecologist. 36 00:01:32,342 --> 00:01:33,736 You know, 'cause I really like my guy. 37 00:01:33,760 --> 00:01:35,345 He's sort of a Doogie Howser type. 38 00:01:35,637 --> 00:01:36,680 But younger. 39 00:01:42,019 --> 00:01:42,728 Aren't you going to ask me how my... 40 00:01:43,020 --> 00:01:45,856 - no. I know exactly how your holidays were. 41 00:01:46,148 --> 00:01:47,709 You took the train to your parents' house. 42 00:01:47,733 --> 00:01:51,570 On Christmas Eve, you forgot that eggnog has alcohol in it, 43 00:01:51,862 --> 00:01:53,298 and got into a shoving match with your aunt 44 00:01:53,322 --> 00:01:55,002 about who puts the star on top of the tree. 45 00:01:55,240 --> 00:01:56,240 - It was my year! 46 00:01:56,366 --> 00:01:58,201 What, lupus lets you just cut the line? 47 00:01:58,493 --> 00:01:59,512 - You received two sweaters that you didn't really like 48 00:01:59,536 --> 00:02:01,997 and got your dad a book on world war ll that he already owned. 49 00:02:02,289 --> 00:02:04,875 - Wow, you really think you know everything about me, don't you? 50 00:02:05,167 --> 00:02:05,751 - Yes, after six years I really do. 51 00:02:06,043 --> 00:02:07,163 - Well, I will have you know 52 00:02:07,210 --> 00:02:08,490 that there are aspects of my life 53 00:02:08,629 --> 00:02:10,422 about which you know nothing. 54 00:02:12,674 --> 00:02:13,759 - Take off that jacket. 55 00:02:14,051 --> 00:02:15,695 If you're not wearing one of those Christmas sweaters 56 00:02:15,719 --> 00:02:18,096 out of guilt, I'll give you $1,000. 57 00:02:18,388 --> 00:02:20,108 - Wrong, Jack. 'Cause they weren't sweaters. 58 00:02:20,307 --> 00:02:21,933 They were Dickies! 59 00:02:23,435 --> 00:02:24,686 - Happy 2012! 60 00:02:29,107 --> 00:02:37,107 ♪ ♪ 61 00:02:47,250 --> 00:02:50,796 - Good morning, Mr. Rossitano. 62 00:02:51,088 --> 00:02:52,328 I'm sorry you're going to hell. 63 00:02:52,464 --> 00:02:53,882 - That's okay. How was your break? 64 00:02:54,174 --> 00:02:58,136 - Wonderful. Reverend Gary did the math, and guess what? 65 00:02:58,428 --> 00:02:59,930 The world is ending tomorrow! 66 00:03:00,222 --> 00:03:01,422 - And you're happy about that? 67 00:03:01,682 --> 00:03:03,600 - Oh, of course. I get to go to heaven 68 00:03:03,892 --> 00:03:06,353 and receive my reward! 69 00:03:06,645 --> 00:03:11,024 72 virgin margaritas, hold the salt. 70 00:03:11,316 --> 00:03:15,070 Oh, I'm sorry I won't be seeing you in heaven, Mr. Spurlock. 71 00:03:15,362 --> 00:03:19,324 But on the Bright side, black hell does have a jukebox. 72 00:03:19,616 --> 00:03:21,868 - So you think this is your last day on earth. 73 00:03:22,160 --> 00:03:24,162 - Well, I'll leave the thinking to other religions. 74 00:03:24,454 --> 00:03:26,516 - Well, you must have things you want to do before you die. 75 00:03:26,540 --> 00:03:27,708 - Is the sky Blue? 76 00:03:27,999 --> 00:03:30,043 Until tomorrow, when it will be on fire. 77 00:03:30,335 --> 00:03:31,615 - Then you should go and do them. 78 00:03:31,712 --> 00:03:32,855 I came across the following quote 79 00:03:32,879 --> 00:03:35,006 on the side of a tampon box this Christmas. 80 00:03:35,298 --> 00:03:37,050 "Work like you don't need the money. 81 00:03:37,342 --> 00:03:38,885 "Love like you've never been hurt. 82 00:03:39,177 --> 00:03:41,221 "Dance like nobody's watching. 83 00:03:41,513 --> 00:03:44,683 Enjoy these satchel Paige brand tampons." 84 00:03:44,975 --> 00:03:45,993 - You know what miss Lemon? I will do that. 85 00:03:46,017 --> 00:03:48,103 Thank you. 86 00:03:48,395 --> 00:03:50,105 - You're just giving him the day off? 87 00:03:50,397 --> 00:03:51,732 That's awfully nice. 88 00:03:52,023 --> 00:03:52,566 - I'm a nice person. 89 00:03:52,858 --> 00:03:54,401 Because I'm a happy person. 90 00:03:54,693 --> 00:03:55,861 My happiness makes me nice. 91 00:03:56,153 --> 00:03:56,862 Also, maybe I'm in a good mood 92 00:03:57,154 --> 00:04:00,532 because I'm not being weighed down by redundant torso fabric. 93 00:04:00,824 --> 00:04:04,745 - What does that mean? - Wouldn't you like to know? 94 00:04:06,830 --> 00:04:07,956 - Amazing news, Liz. 95 00:04:08,248 --> 00:04:10,709 I made the people magazine crossword. 96 00:04:11,001 --> 00:04:13,545 One across, five letters, 97 00:04:13,837 --> 00:04:16,214 "Jenna Maroney's first name". 98 00:04:16,506 --> 00:04:18,049 - Wow! Congratulations. 99 00:04:18,341 --> 00:04:19,777 - Because of America's Kidz Got Singing, 100 00:04:19,801 --> 00:04:21,261 I am blowing up. 101 00:04:21,553 --> 00:04:24,473 When you Google "Jenna Maroney" now, I come up first. 102 00:04:24,765 --> 00:04:27,809 Not the Jenna Maroney who electrocuted all those horses. 103 00:04:28,101 --> 00:04:28,727 - Jenna, that was you. 104 00:04:29,019 --> 00:04:32,230 - Anyway, I'll be back for rehearsal after I tape the show. 105 00:04:32,522 --> 00:04:35,025 Talent walking! 106 00:04:35,317 --> 00:04:37,110 - This has nothing to do with Jenna's success 107 00:04:37,402 --> 00:04:38,695 that I'm jealous of, 108 00:04:38,987 --> 00:04:40,173 but if that yellow-haired bag of teeth 109 00:04:40,197 --> 00:04:41,865 keeps me waiting for rehearsal, 110 00:04:42,157 --> 00:04:45,202 I will set my dressing room on fire. 111 00:04:45,494 --> 00:04:48,705 - Okay, first of all, Tracy, you know you're the real star. 112 00:04:48,997 --> 00:04:52,751 Huh. You know what? I'm not doing this. 113 00:04:53,043 --> 00:04:54,211 - But I'm acting out. - Right. 114 00:04:54,503 --> 00:04:55,938 And I know it'll all blow over eventually, 115 00:04:55,962 --> 00:05:00,342 and so I'm just going to skip the exhausting middle part. 116 00:05:00,634 --> 00:05:01,861 - But you're supposed to control me. 117 00:05:01,885 --> 00:05:03,845 You're Liz Lemon. That's what you do! 118 00:05:04,137 --> 00:05:06,807 - You're a 42-year-old man. 119 00:05:07,098 --> 00:05:08,098 - No, I'm not. 120 00:05:08,141 --> 00:05:10,602 I took a real age test. It said I'm dead. 121 00:05:10,894 --> 00:05:12,479 - Hey, I was just going to call you. 122 00:05:12,771 --> 00:05:14,123 - You wanna watch today's kidz taping? 123 00:05:14,147 --> 00:05:15,666 We're kicking off "public domain week". 124 00:05:15,690 --> 00:05:18,401 This week, america's kids sing really old songs 125 00:05:18,693 --> 00:05:21,071 that everyone knows and NBC doesn't have to pay for. 126 00:05:21,363 --> 00:05:22,864 It's brilliant. - Wow, more money. 127 00:05:23,156 --> 00:05:24,699 - This thing's a real cash cow. 128 00:05:24,991 --> 00:05:28,703 Unlike cash cow, the failed NBC spin-off of cash cab. 129 00:05:28,995 --> 00:05:31,115 You try riding a cow through midtown Manhattan, Lemon. 130 00:05:31,373 --> 00:05:32,791 The animal will panic. 131 00:05:33,083 --> 00:05:34,843 - Right. Anyway, I was just going to call you 132 00:05:35,001 --> 00:05:37,546 because I'm wondering why I received an email 133 00:05:37,838 --> 00:05:39,558 confirming my membership in a dating service 134 00:05:39,840 --> 00:05:42,467 called desperationships.Com. 135 00:05:42,759 --> 00:05:44,070 - Because after 6 years, I know you're depressed 136 00:05:44,094 --> 00:05:45,363 after spending the holidays alone. 137 00:05:45,387 --> 00:05:46,888 - I'm not depressed, Jack. 138 00:05:47,180 --> 00:05:48,820 And I don't need some dumb dating website. 139 00:05:48,974 --> 00:05:50,559 - What if I told you your first match 140 00:05:50,851 --> 00:05:54,688 burned his groin off in an accident at his cake shop. 141 00:05:54,980 --> 00:05:56,982 - No. Not interested. - Five minutes. 142 00:05:57,274 --> 00:05:59,234 - Show's getting started. I'd better get in there. 143 00:05:59,442 --> 00:06:00,694 I'll see you soon. 144 00:06:00,986 --> 00:06:02,129 - Five minutes to tape, everyone. 145 00:06:02,153 --> 00:06:03,153 - Die, you blonde bitch! 146 00:06:03,363 --> 00:06:06,116 Thank you. 147 00:06:06,408 --> 00:06:10,203 - ♪ Turkey in the straw, Turkey in the hay ♪ 148 00:06:10,495 --> 00:06:12,747 ♪ Turkey in the straw, Turkey in the hay ♪ 149 00:06:13,039 --> 00:06:14,291 ♪ roll 'em up and ♪ 150 00:06:14,583 --> 00:06:16,668 - Is that your daughter? She's adorable. 151 00:06:16,960 --> 00:06:19,045 - Thanks. She's my angel. 152 00:06:19,337 --> 00:06:20,964 Her name's Liddy. 153 00:06:21,256 --> 00:06:24,342 - Oh. Ha. That's odd, because my daughter's name... 154 00:06:24,634 --> 00:06:25,987 - I'm going to interrupt you right there, Liddy. 155 00:06:26,011 --> 00:06:28,889 Terrible song selection. You were sharp. 156 00:06:29,180 --> 00:06:30,682 And I'm about to get raw with you. 157 00:06:30,974 --> 00:06:32,767 You're weird looking, Liddy. 158 00:06:33,059 --> 00:06:34,185 Even if you could sing, 159 00:06:34,477 --> 00:06:35,729 with that face it would be like 160 00:06:36,021 --> 00:06:37,665 eating a steak that just came out of a dumpster. 161 00:06:37,689 --> 00:06:39,858 - I've done that. - Here's my advice, Liddy. 162 00:06:40,150 --> 00:06:41,860 Go work on your presentation. 163 00:06:42,152 --> 00:06:44,195 Take voice lessons. Then seal yourself in a barrel, 164 00:06:44,487 --> 00:06:46,114 and fall off of the waterfall. 165 00:06:46,406 --> 00:06:48,158 - You leave Liddy alone! 166 00:06:48,450 --> 00:06:51,411 - I need it quiet to record my catchphrase. 167 00:06:51,703 --> 00:06:52,972 Sebastian, I'm going to give you a few options. 168 00:06:52,996 --> 00:06:54,636 - Love it, Jenna! Go. - Is this your show? 169 00:06:54,831 --> 00:06:57,500 - Liddy, go jump back up your mother. 170 00:06:57,792 --> 00:07:00,754 Liddy, go jump back up your mother. 171 00:07:01,046 --> 00:07:03,924 Go jump back up your mother, Liddy. 172 00:07:04,215 --> 00:07:05,318 Yeah, I like the third one for me, 173 00:07:05,342 --> 00:07:07,302 and her crying on the second one. 174 00:07:07,594 --> 00:07:09,846 - I love it. Brilliant, Jenna. 175 00:07:20,732 --> 00:07:22,734 - Hello, Mr. Hornberger. 176 00:07:23,026 --> 00:07:24,211 - Kenneth, what are you doing? 177 00:07:24,235 --> 00:07:26,047 - Sir, this Chiquita banana sticker had been stuck 178 00:07:26,071 --> 00:07:27,739 to that ceiling for years. 179 00:07:28,031 --> 00:07:29,616 So I finally scraped it off. 180 00:07:29,908 --> 00:07:31,993 - No, listen. You can do whatever you want today. 181 00:07:32,285 --> 00:07:34,496 - I know! Isn't it great? 182 00:07:34,788 --> 00:07:36,998 I'm finally doing my dream chores. 183 00:07:37,290 --> 00:07:38,875 - Give me that. 184 00:07:39,167 --> 00:07:39,793 "Scrape sticker off ceiling, 185 00:07:40,085 --> 00:07:42,671 "fix that humming noise only I can hear, 186 00:07:42,963 --> 00:07:44,839 organize snack table by food jewishness..." 187 00:07:45,131 --> 00:07:47,425 Kenneth, this stuff isn't even your job. 188 00:07:47,717 --> 00:07:50,595 - That's why they're dream chores. 189 00:07:50,887 --> 00:07:52,156 - Look, if it was my last day on earth 190 00:07:52,180 --> 00:07:53,974 I wouldn't be here, I'd be with Paula, 191 00:07:54,265 --> 00:07:56,184 admitting I'm in love with her twin sister. 192 00:07:56,476 --> 00:07:58,228 - Kenneth, we were just out on the Plaza, 193 00:07:58,520 --> 00:08:00,855 and four flaming horses rode by. 194 00:08:01,147 --> 00:08:02,147 - Reverend Gary says 195 00:08:02,273 --> 00:08:05,652 super-gay horses are one of the signs of the apocalypse. 196 00:08:05,944 --> 00:08:08,071 - Exactly! The end is nigh. 197 00:08:08,363 --> 00:08:11,157 You should raise your hopes up even higher than they are now. 198 00:08:11,449 --> 00:08:14,077 - I will. I did! 199 00:08:19,332 --> 00:08:20,393 - We have a problem, Liz Lemon. 200 00:08:20,417 --> 00:08:21,042 I just remembered, 201 00:08:21,334 --> 00:08:22,934 I started a camp for underprivileged kids 202 00:08:23,169 --> 00:08:24,170 last summer. 203 00:08:24,462 --> 00:08:27,132 We have to drive upstate to see if any of them are still alive. 204 00:08:27,424 --> 00:08:29,134 - That sounds like a Tracy problem, Tracy. 205 00:08:29,426 --> 00:08:31,186 - Okay, how about this? I'm changing my name. 206 00:08:31,219 --> 00:08:33,096 From now on everyone has to address me as 207 00:08:33,388 --> 00:08:35,432 "the gentleman formerly known as rectum." 208 00:08:35,724 --> 00:08:37,267 Pay attention to me, L.L., 209 00:08:37,559 --> 00:08:40,145 or else I'm going to do something self-destructive. 210 00:08:40,437 --> 00:08:42,856 For example: I just got an honorary sheriff's badge, 211 00:08:43,148 --> 00:08:45,066 and I'm going to start making real arrests. 212 00:08:45,358 --> 00:08:45,900 - Great. - I just realized, 213 00:08:46,192 --> 00:08:47,861 I haven't paid taxes in 30 years. 214 00:08:48,153 --> 00:08:49,213 - Oh, we're not doing the pre-tape tonight 215 00:08:49,237 --> 00:08:50,357 because I'm leaving at 6:00. 216 00:08:50,447 --> 00:08:52,647 - What's going on with you? Why are you acting so weird? 217 00:08:52,741 --> 00:08:54,010 - I don't know what you're talking about. 218 00:08:54,034 --> 00:08:55,285 - You're not doing your job. 219 00:08:55,577 --> 00:08:55,952 You're laughing at rectum jokes, 220 00:08:56,244 --> 00:08:58,955 you're leaving early. Did we switch brains? 221 00:08:59,247 --> 00:09:00,665 Why am I not feeling your boobs? 222 00:09:00,957 --> 00:09:03,668 - Baah! - What is happening!? 223 00:09:05,128 --> 00:09:06,588 - Jenna. 224 00:09:08,840 --> 00:09:09,859 We need to talk about kidz. 225 00:09:09,883 --> 00:09:11,801 - Did you see last night's ratings? 226 00:09:12,093 --> 00:09:14,512 The only show I've ever been on that got a 10.2 227 00:09:14,804 --> 00:09:15,865 was when Mickey Rourke threw me onto the field 228 00:09:15,889 --> 00:09:16,890 during the super bowl. 229 00:09:17,182 --> 00:09:18,993 - Obviously I'm thrilled about the show's success, 230 00:09:19,017 --> 00:09:22,062 but I wanted to talk to you about your... Onscreen persona. 231 00:09:22,353 --> 00:09:24,481 - I had an idea... Two words: B.B. Gun. 232 00:09:24,773 --> 00:09:27,093 - Actually, I think the mean thing may have run its course. 233 00:09:27,317 --> 00:09:30,487 What if you went the other way, and you were nice to the kids? 234 00:09:30,779 --> 00:09:31,779 - Well, no. 235 00:09:31,905 --> 00:09:34,699 I mean, being the nice one is McEnroe's thing. 236 00:09:34,991 --> 00:09:37,911 - Ah, yes, well, we've done some focus testing, and frankly 237 00:09:38,203 --> 00:09:40,580 I haven't seen such a unanimously negative response 238 00:09:40,872 --> 00:09:43,166 since the Frasier spin-off, hey, Roz. 239 00:09:43,458 --> 00:09:45,335 Jenna, they hate you. 240 00:09:45,627 --> 00:09:48,880 - No, Jack. They love to hate me. 241 00:09:49,172 --> 00:09:51,800 Kidz is minting money for both of us. 242 00:09:52,092 --> 00:09:53,802 And what's more important than money? 243 00:09:54,094 --> 00:09:55,854 - Well, perhaps we could make even more money 244 00:09:55,970 --> 00:09:56,970 by pretending to be nice. 245 00:09:57,138 --> 00:09:58,389 I mean, look at Betty white. 246 00:09:58,681 --> 00:10:02,727 End of discussion. Just ease off on the kids. 247 00:10:03,019 --> 00:10:03,561 - Look, according to Tracy, 248 00:10:03,853 --> 00:10:05,373 people are switching minds around here. 249 00:10:05,647 --> 00:10:07,607 That's obviously what's happened. 250 00:10:07,899 --> 00:10:11,611 So whoever you are, show me Jack's penis. 251 00:10:12,946 --> 00:10:14,489 - That's for you. 252 00:10:17,075 --> 00:10:20,370 - Damn, I've got to get more of these. 253 00:10:24,374 --> 00:10:25,894 I don't know what this is, 254 00:10:26,042 --> 00:10:28,002 but I like it. - Ha, finally. 255 00:10:28,294 --> 00:10:30,046 After 6 years, I've cheered up miss Lemon. 256 00:10:30,338 --> 00:10:31,881 - That was on your list? 257 00:10:32,173 --> 00:10:34,053 I'm not always in a bad mood. And I happen to be 258 00:10:34,300 --> 00:10:35,580 in a really good place right now. 259 00:10:35,677 --> 00:10:36,917 - Well, enjoy it while you can, 260 00:10:37,178 --> 00:10:39,848 because tomorrow, you're going to women's hell. 261 00:10:40,140 --> 00:10:42,725 Uh, also, fyi, women's hell is the same as 262 00:10:43,017 --> 00:10:45,103 aroused dog heaven. - Kenneth. 263 00:10:45,395 --> 00:10:48,398 Why are you still here? This is your last day on earth. 264 00:10:48,690 --> 00:10:50,066 There's so much you haven't done. 265 00:10:50,358 --> 00:10:52,193 - Oh, sir, I've done plenty. 266 00:10:52,485 --> 00:10:54,154 - Oh, really? Have you ever been in love? 267 00:10:54,445 --> 00:10:55,738 - Only while playing tennis. 268 00:10:56,030 --> 00:10:57,510 I'm kidding. I've never played tennis. 269 00:10:57,782 --> 00:10:59,367 - Have you ever been in an airplane? 270 00:10:59,659 --> 00:11:01,846 - Well, does falling off a bridge in a horse cart count? 271 00:11:01,870 --> 00:11:04,372 - Have you ever stood on a beach and watched the sun rise? 272 00:11:04,664 --> 00:11:06,144 - Sir, I've never even seen the ocean. 273 00:11:06,374 --> 00:11:07,834 - Never? Kenneth, that's insane. 274 00:11:08,126 --> 00:11:11,796 We were all put on this crazy Blue marble for a reason... 275 00:11:12,088 --> 00:11:14,716 To love, and live. - What is going on with you? 276 00:11:15,008 --> 00:11:16,968 Everyone's talking about how weird you're acting. 277 00:11:17,260 --> 00:11:18,540 What are you on? - You know what? 278 00:11:18,803 --> 00:11:20,638 I have seen the ocean on a can of tuna. 279 00:11:20,930 --> 00:11:23,224 - Newsflash, Kenneth! - Everybody get down! 280 00:11:23,516 --> 00:11:25,516 - It's not going to happen. The world's not ending. 281 00:11:25,602 --> 00:11:28,188 - Oh, the rapture is happening, sir. 282 00:11:28,479 --> 00:11:30,148 Mr. Rossitano said he saw the snakes 283 00:11:30,440 --> 00:11:32,150 making peace with the mice. 284 00:11:32,442 --> 00:11:34,202 - You're like a child. He's messing with you. 285 00:11:34,444 --> 00:11:35,570 And you know what? 286 00:11:35,862 --> 00:11:37,965 In the words of my father, "you deserve to be disappointed. 287 00:11:37,989 --> 00:11:40,783 Merry Christmas." 288 00:11:47,207 --> 00:11:48,499 - Can I talk to you, Jennifer? 289 00:11:48,791 --> 00:11:50,752 - Tracy, how do nice people dress? 290 00:11:51,044 --> 00:11:53,004 - Socks on their hands, no belt, roller skates. 291 00:11:53,296 --> 00:11:55,548 Do you think Liz Lemon has been acting weird lately? 292 00:11:55,840 --> 00:11:57,080 She's hiding something from us. 293 00:11:57,342 --> 00:11:58,582 - Like what? A present? For me? 294 00:11:58,760 --> 00:12:00,511 Can I return it for cash? 295 00:12:00,803 --> 00:12:01,221 - No, this is bigger than that. 296 00:12:01,512 --> 00:12:03,097 Something like a sex-change operation 297 00:12:03,389 --> 00:12:06,851 or a secret pregnancy or a radioactive spider bite. 298 00:12:07,143 --> 00:12:09,020 I've got to get her focus back on me, 299 00:12:09,312 --> 00:12:11,332 or who knows the dumb stuff I'm going to start doing? 300 00:12:11,356 --> 00:12:13,942 - Is that why you're not wearing pants right now? 301 00:12:14,234 --> 00:12:16,736 - Yes! I'm actually glad this happened. 302 00:12:17,028 --> 00:12:18,112 You're proving my point. 303 00:12:18,404 --> 00:12:20,132 - Look, if you think something's going on with Liz, 304 00:12:20,156 --> 00:12:21,199 just follow her. 305 00:12:21,491 --> 00:12:23,451 Steal her mail, go through her trash. 306 00:12:23,743 --> 00:12:25,512 That's what Paul and I do to maintain intimacy 307 00:12:25,536 --> 00:12:26,913 when he's having his period. 308 00:12:27,205 --> 00:12:29,749 - Thanks J-Mo. Great advice. 309 00:12:30,458 --> 00:12:33,419 ♪ La la la la la la la, oh, la la la la la ♪ 310 00:12:33,711 --> 00:12:35,421 ♪ oh ♪ 311 00:12:47,892 --> 00:12:49,936 - ♪ Yes, I know the muffin man ♪ 312 00:12:50,228 --> 00:12:52,814 ♪ he lives on ♪ 313 00:12:53,106 --> 00:12:58,444 ♪ drury Lane ♪ 314 00:13:00,488 --> 00:13:01,906 - Breathtaking. 315 00:13:02,198 --> 00:13:04,659 You're the wind beneath my wings. 316 00:13:07,412 --> 00:13:09,789 - Brock... 317 00:13:10,081 --> 00:13:13,793 I... like what you did. 318 00:13:14,085 --> 00:13:16,337 That was good singing. 319 00:13:16,629 --> 00:13:19,257 You don't have a little rat face, 320 00:13:19,549 --> 00:13:22,218 you opposite of a turd with eyes. 321 00:13:24,470 --> 00:13:26,190 - Why are you messing with perfection, Jack? 322 00:13:26,306 --> 00:13:28,546 You need to remember that reality television is formulaic 323 00:13:28,808 --> 00:13:29,976 before you get us cancelled. 324 00:13:30,268 --> 00:13:31,311 Because I will not go back 325 00:13:31,602 --> 00:13:33,604 to putting hair extensions on dogs. 326 00:13:33,896 --> 00:13:35,023 - Easy, D'Fwan. 327 00:13:35,315 --> 00:13:36,733 Yeah, we have a problem, 328 00:13:37,025 --> 00:13:38,345 but we're going to get through it, 329 00:13:38,401 --> 00:13:39,444 'cause we're family. 330 00:13:39,736 --> 00:13:42,030 - It's not working. You're ruining the show. 331 00:13:42,322 --> 00:13:44,300 - You think I don't know that it's not working, Jenna. 332 00:13:44,324 --> 00:13:46,075 Next week Jay-Z was going to do a duet 333 00:13:46,367 --> 00:13:47,594 with one of the spinning chairs from the voice, 334 00:13:47,618 --> 00:13:50,788 and the chair just pulled out. 335 00:13:51,080 --> 00:13:53,666 You're off the leash, Jenna. 336 00:13:54,375 --> 00:13:56,044 - Did you see what happened here? 337 00:13:56,336 --> 00:13:59,130 We turned an argument into an opportunity 338 00:13:59,422 --> 00:14:01,466 to become better friends. 339 00:14:01,758 --> 00:14:04,385 All: Aw. 340 00:14:11,559 --> 00:14:13,102 - I'll see you in heaven, Mr. Jordan. 341 00:14:13,394 --> 00:14:15,855 - Ken, I only have room in my brain for one problem, 342 00:14:16,147 --> 00:14:17,987 so I'm not really absorbing what you're saying. 343 00:14:18,232 --> 00:14:21,152 I have to go through Liz Lemon's trash before she gets in. 344 00:14:21,444 --> 00:14:23,029 - You're at work before miss Lemon? 345 00:14:23,321 --> 00:14:26,824 Now, that's a sign of the apocalypse. 346 00:14:33,456 --> 00:14:34,707 Time to die. 347 00:14:39,170 --> 00:14:40,314 - You know what, Emma? That was pretty good. 348 00:14:40,338 --> 00:14:42,338 You were trying to get me to commit suicide, right? 349 00:14:49,639 --> 00:14:51,349 - Liddy, thank you for coming in. 350 00:14:51,641 --> 00:14:53,285 I know you have to read your books with sleepy bear 351 00:14:53,309 --> 00:14:56,145 in half an hour, so I'll make this brief. 352 00:14:56,437 --> 00:14:59,899 You're almost one now, and you have to understand 353 00:15:00,191 --> 00:15:02,777 the way the world works. 354 00:15:03,069 --> 00:15:05,422 Now, I don't know if you've seen America's Kidz Got Singing, 355 00:15:05,446 --> 00:15:06,155 but it's a hit. 356 00:15:06,447 --> 00:15:07,740 Variety called it "boffo," 357 00:15:08,032 --> 00:15:10,827 and they don't throw that word around lightly. 358 00:15:11,119 --> 00:15:12,879 However, there are large portions of the show 359 00:15:13,162 --> 00:15:14,598 that feature Jenna insulting children 360 00:15:14,622 --> 00:15:16,833 not much older than yourself. 361 00:15:17,125 --> 00:15:17,542 I know what you're thinking... 362 00:15:17,834 --> 00:15:19,836 "do you really care about the bottom line 363 00:15:20,128 --> 00:15:21,928 "more than the feelings of helpless innocents? 364 00:15:22,130 --> 00:15:24,006 "That's cruel." Well, guess what Liddy. 365 00:15:24,298 --> 00:15:25,298 Life is cruel. 366 00:15:25,425 --> 00:15:28,010 Sometimes in business, there's collateral damage. 367 00:15:28,302 --> 00:15:29,446 And if you think I'm going to turn my back 368 00:15:29,470 --> 00:15:34,183 on a 10.2/4.2 in the demo just because I feel bad... 369 00:15:34,475 --> 00:15:38,521 Just because those kids had the same scared look on their faces 370 00:15:38,813 --> 00:15:39,856 that you had when that dog 371 00:15:40,148 --> 00:15:42,108 got too close to your stroller in the park. 372 00:15:42,400 --> 00:15:42,900 And yes, being a parent 373 00:15:43,192 --> 00:15:46,571 is like wearing your heart outside your body. 374 00:15:46,863 --> 00:15:48,573 And I don't want you to know that the world 375 00:15:48,865 --> 00:15:51,242 is really a scary, disappointing place. 376 00:15:51,534 --> 00:15:53,411 You shouldn't have to know that, not yet. 377 00:15:53,703 --> 00:15:56,080 Oh, god. 378 00:15:56,372 --> 00:15:59,417 I have to cancel the show. 379 00:15:59,709 --> 00:16:01,169 What are you doing, Liddy? 380 00:16:01,461 --> 00:16:06,883 Are you touching my hand because... You're a baby 381 00:16:07,175 --> 00:16:09,343 and you're developing your fine motor skills? 382 00:16:09,635 --> 00:16:12,054 Or are you trying to tell me something? 383 00:16:12,346 --> 00:16:13,532 What are you trying to tell me? 384 00:16:13,556 --> 00:16:13,973 - Mommy. 385 00:16:14,265 --> 00:16:16,267 - Did you say "money"? 386 00:16:16,559 --> 00:16:17,894 Is that your first word... money? 387 00:16:18,186 --> 00:16:19,770 - Mommy. 388 00:16:20,062 --> 00:16:21,397 - Yes, money. 389 00:16:21,689 --> 00:16:23,489 Are you telling me that money's more important 390 00:16:23,566 --> 00:16:24,108 than doing what's right? 391 00:16:24,400 --> 00:16:26,277 That I should keep on doing the show? 392 00:16:26,569 --> 00:16:27,278 - I want mommy. 393 00:16:27,570 --> 00:16:28,988 - I want money too! 394 00:16:29,280 --> 00:16:31,491 Oh, thank you, Liddy. 395 00:16:31,782 --> 00:16:34,494 Thank you for convincing me to do the right thing. 396 00:16:34,785 --> 00:16:36,120 Aw. 397 00:16:36,412 --> 00:16:37,764 - Hey, think how disappointed I am. 398 00:16:37,788 --> 00:16:39,415 I mean, I'm the... 399 00:16:39,707 --> 00:16:45,129 I'm the one who had to nude-baptize all those teens. 400 00:16:45,421 --> 00:16:45,922 - Hey, buddy. 401 00:16:46,214 --> 00:16:48,841 - Are you here to make fun of me, sir? 402 00:16:49,133 --> 00:16:51,469 Well go ahead, make fun of the super-handsome guy 403 00:16:51,761 --> 00:16:53,429 who believed too much. 404 00:16:53,721 --> 00:16:55,041 - I don't want to make fun of you. 405 00:16:55,181 --> 00:16:56,241 I know you're disappointed. 406 00:16:56,265 --> 00:16:58,351 I just wish I had a magic wand 407 00:16:58,643 --> 00:16:59,745 to make it all... gah! - Ah, Kenneth, 408 00:16:59,769 --> 00:17:02,271 it's all real. The beast is here. 409 00:17:02,563 --> 00:17:05,149 - Aah! Redire ad abyssum! 410 00:17:05,441 --> 00:17:06,441 Princeps tenebrarum! 411 00:17:06,651 --> 00:17:07,860 - Ow! It's me, Lutz. 412 00:17:08,152 --> 00:17:08,861 - Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. 413 00:17:09,153 --> 00:17:10,153 Stop. 414 00:17:10,363 --> 00:17:13,199 Toofer. Frank. Get out here. 415 00:17:15,117 --> 00:17:17,328 You three are in a time-out. 416 00:17:17,620 --> 00:17:19,163 Everybody in the Van! 417 00:17:26,254 --> 00:17:27,414 - Liz Lemon is a crack whore. 418 00:17:27,547 --> 00:17:28,881 - Probably not, but continue. 419 00:17:29,173 --> 00:17:30,508 - It's the only explanation. 420 00:17:30,800 --> 00:17:33,094 She's on a ho stroll to pay for her drug habit. 421 00:17:33,386 --> 00:17:34,971 I followed her last night, J.D. 422 00:17:35,263 --> 00:17:36,973 She went down to Penn station. 423 00:17:37,265 --> 00:17:40,434 And not the fun stationery store up on the Upper East Side. 424 00:17:40,726 --> 00:17:42,228 The skeezy one with trains. 425 00:17:42,520 --> 00:17:46,023 - Well, there has to be some other explanation. 426 00:17:46,315 --> 00:17:47,900 Are you sure it was Liz Lemon 427 00:17:48,192 --> 00:17:49,472 and not present day Sally Field? 428 00:17:49,652 --> 00:17:50,652 - I know it's crazy. 429 00:17:50,820 --> 00:17:54,949 But ever since we got back from Kwanzaa... 430 00:17:55,241 --> 00:17:56,993 She's been acting all weird. 431 00:17:57,285 --> 00:17:58,325 All relaxed and not angry. 432 00:17:58,494 --> 00:18:00,079 - Well, it has been two days, 433 00:18:00,371 --> 00:18:01,723 and she hasn't once stormed in here 434 00:18:01,747 --> 00:18:04,333 carping about how all the destructive hurricanes 435 00:18:04,625 --> 00:18:06,210 get female names. 436 00:18:06,502 --> 00:18:07,502 But it can't be drugs. 437 00:18:07,628 --> 00:18:11,465 - Then how come I found this in her trash? 438 00:18:11,757 --> 00:18:13,968 - Oh, Tracy, this is dexoprex. 439 00:18:14,260 --> 00:18:15,970 My mother takes it for joint pain. 440 00:18:16,262 --> 00:18:19,140 Her wrist was starting to bother her from slapping busboys. 441 00:18:19,432 --> 00:18:20,975 - So it's not the bandito blanco? 442 00:18:21,267 --> 00:18:22,810 A name for cocaine I just made up? 443 00:18:23,102 --> 00:18:25,187 - I know Liz Lemon better than she knows herself. 444 00:18:25,479 --> 00:18:27,189 Why would she need joint pain medication? 445 00:18:27,481 --> 00:18:29,900 And why would she be meeting people down by... 446 00:18:30,192 --> 00:18:32,153 Tracy. 447 00:18:32,445 --> 00:18:34,864 What building is right next to Penn station? 448 00:18:35,156 --> 00:18:37,408 - The Manhattan center for penis enlargement? 449 00:18:37,700 --> 00:18:39,285 I know because my friend goes there. 450 00:18:39,577 --> 00:18:40,244 His name is Tracy. 451 00:18:40,536 --> 00:18:43,998 - Madison square garden. 452 00:18:46,751 --> 00:18:48,228 Did you know that Lemon attended college 453 00:18:48,252 --> 00:18:51,047 on a partial jazz dance scholarship? 454 00:18:51,339 --> 00:18:52,608 And do you know what event was held 455 00:18:52,632 --> 00:18:54,133 last night at Madison square garden? 456 00:18:54,425 --> 00:18:57,011 - A crack whore convention? 457 00:18:57,303 --> 00:18:58,303 - No. Worse. 458 00:18:58,429 --> 00:18:59,889 - ♪ Every person dance soon ♪ 459 00:19:00,181 --> 00:19:02,141 - Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome 460 00:19:02,433 --> 00:19:05,936 the WNBA's most popular dance team, 461 00:19:06,228 --> 00:19:08,189 "the timeless torches." 462 00:19:10,524 --> 00:19:14,236 - ♪ Dancing torches dance soon ♪ 463 00:19:14,528 --> 00:19:22,370 ♪ ♪ 464 00:19:26,248 --> 00:19:28,959 - Oh, god! So much grapevining! 465 00:19:34,632 --> 00:19:37,385 - It's so beautiful. 466 00:19:37,677 --> 00:19:39,261 A mermaid! 467 00:19:39,553 --> 00:19:41,263 - Dude, those are diapers. 468 00:19:45,726 --> 00:19:50,690 - So that's why you've been so happy and distracted lately. 469 00:19:50,981 --> 00:19:55,111 The Joy of movement, exercise, 10% off arena snacks 470 00:19:55,403 --> 00:19:56,779 with your torch card. 471 00:19:57,071 --> 00:19:59,407 And who figured the whole thing out? 472 00:19:59,699 --> 00:20:02,368 - The man who knows me better than I know myself. 473 00:20:02,660 --> 00:20:05,788 Pull over here, please. This is me. 474 00:20:08,624 --> 00:20:09,664 - Ah, going to the movies. 475 00:20:09,750 --> 00:20:12,336 Let me guess: You're going alone, to the 9:10 showing 476 00:20:12,628 --> 00:20:15,214 of garry Marshall's new year's Eve. 477 00:20:15,506 --> 00:20:16,866 You've waited five weeks to see it, 478 00:20:16,966 --> 00:20:18,566 to make sure that you wouldn't contribute 479 00:20:18,592 --> 00:20:20,237 to it being the number one movie in america. 480 00:20:20,261 --> 00:20:22,263 You'll say you're seeing it ironically, 481 00:20:22,555 --> 00:20:25,224 and yet you'll tear up when Ashton kutcher 482 00:20:25,516 --> 00:20:27,143 kisses Lea Michele. - You know me. 483 00:20:27,435 --> 00:20:31,647 I love it when the swarthy girl gets the guy. 484 00:20:36,819 --> 00:20:39,447 - ♪ The camptown ladies ♪ 485 00:20:39,739 --> 00:20:42,324 ♪ sing this song ♪ 486 00:20:42,616 --> 00:20:45,703 ♪ doo-dah ♪ 487 00:20:45,995 --> 00:20:48,205 ♪ doo-dah ♪ 488 00:20:48,497 --> 00:20:52,501 ♪ the camptown racetrack's ♪ 489 00:20:52,793 --> 00:20:55,337 ♪ five miles long ♪ 490 00:20:55,629 --> 00:21:02,928 ♪ oh, doo dah day ♪ 491 00:21:03,220 --> 00:21:08,184 ♪ gonna run all night ♪ 492 00:21:08,476 --> 00:21:12,938 ♪ gonna run all day ♪ 493 00:21:13,230 --> 00:21:16,859 ♪ I bet my money ♪ 494 00:21:17,151 --> 00:21:20,780 ♪ on a bobtail nag ♪ 495 00:21:21,071 --> 00:21:24,992 ♪ somebody bet on the bay ♪ 496 00:21:25,284 --> 00:21:26,911 ♪ somebody, somebody ♪ 497 00:21:27,203 --> 00:21:32,208 ♪ somebody bet on the bay ♪ 498 00:21:32,500 --> 00:21:35,628 - A disgusting disappointment. 499 00:21:37,880 --> 00:21:39,340 - My name is Bob. I'm 61 years old. 500 00:21:39,632 --> 00:21:43,260 My favorite move is the shoulder shake. 501 00:21:43,552 --> 00:21:45,763 - My name is Joyce. I'm 63 years young. 502 00:21:46,055 --> 00:21:49,058 My favorite move is the Dougie. 503 00:21:49,350 --> 00:21:51,143 - I'm Liz. I'm 39, for the third time, 504 00:21:51,435 --> 00:21:54,396 and my favorite move is sunset arms. 505 00:21:54,688 --> 00:21:56,482 - Hi, I'm Lewis. I'm a grandfather 506 00:21:56,774 --> 00:21:57,834 from the Dominican Republic, 507 00:21:57,858 --> 00:22:00,569 and my favorite move is the lift. 508 00:22:02,404 --> 00:22:03,404 - Sorry, Lewis. 509 00:22:03,447 --> 00:22:05,115 - Nice try, Liz. 510 00:22:05,407 --> 00:22:07,993 Dance like nobody's watchin'!