1 00:00:05,088 --> 00:00:07,299 - Listen up, everyone, 2 00:00:07,591 --> 00:00:08,735 I have an announcement to make. 3 00:00:08,759 --> 00:00:09,801 As you may have heard, 4 00:00:10,093 --> 00:00:11,470 Carol and I broke up last week. 5 00:00:11,762 --> 00:00:14,223 - Hang on. Why do you have a cat... 6 00:00:14,515 --> 00:00:15,516 And a Fanny pack? 7 00:00:15,807 --> 00:00:16,808 And your ponytail, 8 00:00:17,100 --> 00:00:18,685 it's being held up by a chip clip. 9 00:00:18,977 --> 00:00:20,038 - Because I'm giving up, Jenna. 10 00:00:20,062 --> 00:00:21,104 I did the math. 11 00:00:21,396 --> 00:00:23,357 How many times does a woman meet Mr. Right? 12 00:00:23,649 --> 00:00:24,858 I've had three chances... 13 00:00:25,150 --> 00:00:25,859 Floyd, then Carol, 14 00:00:26,151 --> 00:00:28,111 and I was once in an elevator with Tom Brokaw, 15 00:00:28,403 --> 00:00:29,488 and I blew all three... 16 00:00:29,780 --> 00:00:31,156 Opportunities! 17 00:00:31,448 --> 00:00:33,116 So I am making my graceful transition 18 00:00:33,408 --> 00:00:34,451 into spinsterhood. 19 00:00:34,743 --> 00:00:36,370 I have adopted this cat, 20 00:00:36,662 --> 00:00:38,288 named her Emily Dickinson... 21 00:00:38,580 --> 00:00:39,289 - Oh, come on! 22 00:00:39,581 --> 00:00:41,750 - Named her Emily Dickinson. 23 00:00:42,042 --> 00:00:44,169 - Lemon, a word. 24 00:00:44,461 --> 00:00:46,088 Hang on. 25 00:00:46,380 --> 00:00:48,215 Recent breakup, Fanny pack, cat? 26 00:00:48,507 --> 00:00:50,842 Quick. Who is the lead character on NCIS? 27 00:00:51,134 --> 00:00:52,294 - Special agent Jethro Gibbs. 28 00:00:52,344 --> 00:00:53,845 - In your office, now. 29 00:00:54,137 --> 00:00:55,639 - What's the point, Jack? I'm done. 30 00:00:55,931 --> 00:00:57,492 I took the money I was saving for my honeymoon, 31 00:00:57,516 --> 00:00:58,809 and I bought a cemetery plot. 32 00:00:59,101 --> 00:01:00,101 I also joined a book club 33 00:01:00,143 --> 00:01:01,853 at the senior center near my home. 34 00:01:02,145 --> 00:01:04,106 We're reading murder on the orient express. 35 00:01:04,398 --> 00:01:06,038 - You know there's a movie of that, right? 36 00:01:06,066 --> 00:01:07,067 - I did not. 37 00:01:07,359 --> 00:01:09,444 - I want to help you, Lemon, 38 00:01:09,736 --> 00:01:10,862 but this is not the week. 39 00:01:11,154 --> 00:01:12,632 Avery's maternity leave was cut short, 40 00:01:12,656 --> 00:01:13,976 so she could go cover the collapse 41 00:01:14,116 --> 00:01:15,284 of Greece's banking system. 42 00:01:15,576 --> 00:01:16,994 Since inventing democracy, 43 00:01:17,286 --> 00:01:19,496 those guys have been coasting. 44 00:01:19,788 --> 00:01:21,206 - So you're all alone with baby Liz? 45 00:01:21,498 --> 00:01:23,333 - We're calling her Liddy, after Liddy dole, 46 00:01:23,625 --> 00:01:24,251 G. Gordon Liddy, 47 00:01:24,543 --> 00:01:26,545 and my martial arts instructor Li Di. 48 00:01:26,837 --> 00:01:29,131 In addition, I have a huge presentation coming up. 49 00:01:29,423 --> 00:01:30,966 Meeting magazine is already calling it 50 00:01:31,258 --> 00:01:32,818 "the first great meeting of the decade." 51 00:01:33,093 --> 00:01:34,093 I have to be at my best. 52 00:01:34,344 --> 00:01:36,430 I'm negotiating NBC's licensing fees with Kabletown. 53 00:01:36,722 --> 00:01:38,762 - But aren't NBC and Kabletown the same company now? 54 00:01:38,974 --> 00:01:40,827 That seems like a pretty big conflict of interest. 55 00:01:40,851 --> 00:01:42,731 Why would the government even allow that merger? 56 00:01:42,978 --> 00:01:43,604 - It's okay. Don't worry. 57 00:01:43,895 --> 00:01:45,564 You just keep watching Bridalplasty 58 00:01:45,856 --> 00:01:47,649 - Alysinna died last week. 59 00:01:51,069 --> 00:01:52,229 - Oh, damn it, I didn't leave 60 00:01:52,404 --> 00:01:53,989 my baby nurse her check this morning. 61 00:01:54,281 --> 00:01:55,824 I have to go back home and pay her. 62 00:01:56,116 --> 00:01:57,356 - Right now? - It's complicated. 63 00:01:57,576 --> 00:01:59,578 These women run your household, 64 00:01:59,870 --> 00:02:00,579 so you have to keep them happy, 65 00:02:00,871 --> 00:02:02,164 which means not saying anything 66 00:02:02,456 --> 00:02:04,541 as your DVR fills up with Trinidadian soap operas. 67 00:02:04,833 --> 00:02:06,585 But as soon as I'm out of the woods, Lemon, 68 00:02:06,877 --> 00:02:10,380 I'll take care of this latest dysfunction. 69 00:02:10,672 --> 00:02:11,774 - There's nothing to take care of, Jack. 70 00:02:11,798 --> 00:02:13,091 Watch this. 71 00:02:13,383 --> 00:02:14,944 I can fit Emily Dickinson's whole head in my mouth. 72 00:02:14,968 --> 00:02:16,303 - No. 73 00:02:19,806 --> 00:02:26,104 ♪ ♪ 74 00:02:34,363 --> 00:02:35,697 - Oh, hey, Pete, what's up? 75 00:02:35,989 --> 00:02:37,429 - Well, nobody told the musical guest 76 00:02:37,532 --> 00:02:38,533 that Tracy's in Africa, 77 00:02:38,825 --> 00:02:39,969 so all their instruments got delivered 78 00:02:39,993 --> 00:02:41,119 even though there's no show. 79 00:02:41,411 --> 00:02:43,455 Rock stars, man. 80 00:02:43,747 --> 00:02:45,165 People screaming your name, 81 00:02:45,457 --> 00:02:47,584 hot women throwing themselves at you. 82 00:02:47,876 --> 00:02:49,086 - Living on a bus. 83 00:02:49,378 --> 00:02:50,378 - Ha. 84 00:02:50,545 --> 00:02:53,632 I had all that once... 85 00:02:53,924 --> 00:02:55,717 For three months back in the early '80s. 86 00:02:56,009 --> 00:02:58,512 - Really? What band were you in? 87 00:02:58,804 --> 00:03:02,516 - ♪ Everybody's workin' for the weekend ♪ 88 00:03:02,808 --> 00:03:05,519 ♪ ♪ 89 00:03:05,811 --> 00:03:06,478 - What? 90 00:03:06,770 --> 00:03:07,979 - Yep. I was in Loverboy. 91 00:03:08,271 --> 00:03:08,980 But then I had to choose 92 00:03:09,272 --> 00:03:10,291 between staying in the band 93 00:03:10,315 --> 00:03:11,635 or taking that college scholarship 94 00:03:11,775 --> 00:03:13,026 to study TV budgeting. 95 00:03:13,318 --> 00:03:15,112 - Mmm. - I made my choice. 96 00:03:15,404 --> 00:03:17,364 That part of my life is over. 97 00:03:17,656 --> 00:03:19,408 - Hey, it's never too late. 98 00:03:19,700 --> 00:03:22,077 - What did you just say? 99 00:03:22,369 --> 00:03:24,913 ♪ It's never too late ♪ 100 00:03:25,205 --> 00:03:28,792 ♪ it's never too late for now ♪ 101 00:03:30,669 --> 00:03:33,588 yesterday's dreams are gone ♪ 102 00:03:33,880 --> 00:03:37,050 ♪ but today I'm singin' this song ♪ 103 00:03:37,342 --> 00:03:39,678 Both: ♪ 'cause it's never too late ♪ 104 00:03:39,970 --> 00:03:42,973 ♪ it's never too late for now ♪ 105 00:03:44,349 --> 00:03:45,389 - We need to start a band. 106 00:03:45,600 --> 00:03:46,935 - I think we just did. 107 00:03:47,227 --> 00:03:50,355 - I'm sorry you had to wait for this, Sherry. 108 00:03:50,647 --> 00:03:51,967 I hope there was enough shark meat 109 00:03:52,065 --> 00:03:55,318 in the refrigerator for one of your sandwiches. 110 00:03:55,610 --> 00:03:57,738 Hold on, this is the same amount 111 00:03:58,029 --> 00:03:59,709 I was paying you when you worked full time, 112 00:03:59,990 --> 00:04:01,700 and now you're just working nights. 113 00:04:01,992 --> 00:04:03,160 - It's my hourly rate. 114 00:04:03,452 --> 00:04:05,537 - You understand my confusion. 115 00:04:05,829 --> 00:04:07,497 I'm actually paying you more money 116 00:04:07,789 --> 00:04:09,916 to be here half the time. 117 00:04:10,584 --> 00:04:13,545 I'm not saying that what you do isn't important. 118 00:04:13,837 --> 00:04:14,917 Avery and I appreciate you, 119 00:04:15,088 --> 00:04:16,882 and Liddy just adores you. 120 00:04:17,174 --> 00:04:18,884 But let's just say you're at the market, 121 00:04:19,176 --> 00:04:20,635 buying potatoes. 122 00:04:20,927 --> 00:04:23,680 And that ten-pound bag of potatoes costs... 123 00:04:23,972 --> 00:04:25,223 $400. 124 00:04:25,515 --> 00:04:28,685 But then the, uh, grocery concierge 125 00:04:28,977 --> 00:04:30,854 tells you that a five-pound bag of potatoes 126 00:04:31,146 --> 00:04:31,688 costs $400. 127 00:04:31,980 --> 00:04:33,607 Well, that would be shocking, right? 128 00:04:33,899 --> 00:04:37,694 Because a five-pound bag should only cost $200. 129 00:04:37,986 --> 00:04:40,447 What I'm saying is that we value what you do, 130 00:04:40,739 --> 00:04:44,618 but this rate is, uh, unreasonable. 131 00:04:48,413 --> 00:04:50,707 - So, what you wan' do? 132 00:04:50,999 --> 00:04:56,546 - I want to resolve this fairly and amicably. 133 00:04:56,838 --> 00:05:02,636 And I don't want any bad blood, so... 134 00:05:02,928 --> 00:05:04,513 It was nice negotiating with you, 135 00:05:04,805 --> 00:05:07,974 and, uh, here is all of your money. 136 00:05:15,398 --> 00:05:17,192 - A repulsive murderer 137 00:05:17,484 --> 00:05:21,154 has been murdered. 138 00:05:21,446 --> 00:05:24,407 But in which of the two ways 139 00:05:24,699 --> 00:05:25,700 that I have suggested? 140 00:05:25,992 --> 00:05:28,328 In the simpler way by the mafioso 141 00:05:28,620 --> 00:05:30,914 disguised as a wagon-lit conductor? 142 00:05:33,500 --> 00:05:35,794 Or in the more complex way... 143 00:05:36,086 --> 00:05:37,170 - Liz, enough! 144 00:05:37,462 --> 00:05:38,773 I am not gonna just sit and watch you 145 00:05:38,797 --> 00:05:39,881 plummet into spinsterhood. 146 00:05:40,173 --> 00:05:41,317 - Why are you talking so fast? 147 00:05:41,341 --> 00:05:41,883 - Because I'm upset! 148 00:05:42,175 --> 00:05:43,175 Also I've been taking 149 00:05:43,218 --> 00:05:45,029 these new czechoslovakian organ-slimming pills. 150 00:05:45,053 --> 00:05:46,373 They contain a little bit of meth, 151 00:05:46,596 --> 00:05:48,156 which is something my body needs anyway. 152 00:05:48,181 --> 00:05:50,021 Listen, I'm not gonna let you wallow like this. 153 00:05:50,100 --> 00:05:53,103 I am taking you out so you can rebound... Sexually. 154 00:05:53,395 --> 00:05:54,395 - What? No. 155 00:05:54,604 --> 00:05:55,684 - Now, when I'm rebounding, 156 00:05:55,772 --> 00:05:57,132 I like to do it with an NBA player, 157 00:05:57,190 --> 00:05:59,734 because it's fun wordplay and they're mean. 158 00:06:00,026 --> 00:06:02,237 - Well, thank you for that disgusting offer, 159 00:06:02,529 --> 00:06:03,714 but I will be in editing all night, 160 00:06:03,738 --> 00:06:05,418 putting together "the best of Tracy Jordan" 161 00:06:05,532 --> 00:06:06,592 to replace this week's show, 162 00:06:06,616 --> 00:06:08,076 so can't go out. Too bad. 163 00:06:08,368 --> 00:06:08,952 - Well, I'm not giving up. 164 00:06:09,244 --> 00:06:10,564 I didn't give up when Eric Roberts 165 00:06:10,829 --> 00:06:12,873 abandoned me in the desert, and I won't now. 166 00:06:13,164 --> 00:06:13,790 No judgment, Liz. 167 00:06:14,082 --> 00:06:16,668 Mr. Roberts thought I was dead. 168 00:06:16,960 --> 00:06:17,961 - Oh. 169 00:06:18,253 --> 00:06:20,797 Both: ♪ it's never too late for now ♪ 170 00:06:21,089 --> 00:06:22,299 - Two, three... 171 00:06:22,591 --> 00:06:23,871 Both: ♪ it's never too late... ♪ 172 00:06:23,925 --> 00:06:25,051 - There you are. - Great. 173 00:06:25,343 --> 00:06:26,761 You just ruined a really boss take. 174 00:06:27,053 --> 00:06:28,114 - We're recording a song called 175 00:06:28,138 --> 00:06:29,347 it's never too la te for now. 176 00:06:29,639 --> 00:06:32,601 It's about that delicious little mystery I call life. 177 00:06:32,893 --> 00:06:33,977 - Oh, my god, that sucks. 178 00:06:34,269 --> 00:06:35,549 Come on. We gotta go to editing. 179 00:06:35,687 --> 00:06:36,927 - No, I'm not going to editing. 180 00:06:37,063 --> 00:06:39,691 I'm in here shredding away like a righteous ax master, 181 00:06:39,983 --> 00:06:41,359 and my arthritis is acting up. 182 00:06:41,651 --> 00:06:42,691 Do you have any ibuprofen? 183 00:06:42,819 --> 00:06:44,654 - Uh, my Fanny pack is in my office 184 00:06:44,946 --> 00:06:46,698 in my mini-fridge. 185 00:06:46,990 --> 00:06:48,491 I like my tampons to be cold. 186 00:06:48,783 --> 00:06:50,535 I'll be downstairs. 187 00:06:50,827 --> 00:06:52,537 - Wait. "Hornberger-Rossitano"? 188 00:06:52,829 --> 00:06:54,289 Why is your name first? 189 00:06:54,581 --> 00:06:55,600 - It's alphabetical. So what? 190 00:06:55,624 --> 00:06:56,664 - So I'm the one who said, 191 00:06:56,750 --> 00:06:57,750 "it's never too late." 192 00:06:58,001 --> 00:06:59,044 I invented that. 193 00:06:59,336 --> 00:07:00,688 - When we get up at the grammys, I talk! 194 00:07:00,712 --> 00:07:01,713 Not you! 195 00:07:03,757 --> 00:07:05,037 - Welcome to Brokeblack Mountain. 196 00:07:05,800 --> 00:07:07,000 - You need to go black, Marty! 197 00:07:07,218 --> 00:07:09,262 - This is loz... Liz. This is Liz. 198 00:07:09,554 --> 00:07:11,348 - Lemon, I am supposed to represent NBC 199 00:07:11,640 --> 00:07:13,475 in a negotiation that Rex belcher 200 00:07:13,767 --> 00:07:15,936 of the American journal of meetings rated four chairs. 201 00:07:16,227 --> 00:07:17,479 Four. 202 00:07:17,771 --> 00:07:19,851 - I'm sorry. Is that another magazine about meetings? 203 00:07:20,106 --> 00:07:21,466 - Meanwhile, I just got worked over 204 00:07:21,733 --> 00:07:23,526 by my Trinidadian night nurse. 205 00:07:23,818 --> 00:07:25,654 I made every mistake you can in a negotiation. 206 00:07:25,946 --> 00:07:27,614 I spoke first, I smiled, 207 00:07:27,906 --> 00:07:29,407 I negotiated with myself. 208 00:07:29,699 --> 00:07:31,419 If I had done that during a mock negotiation 209 00:07:31,701 --> 00:07:32,701 in business school, 210 00:07:32,911 --> 00:07:34,454 professor Widmer would have spanked me 211 00:07:34,746 --> 00:07:36,998 in front of the whole class, bare bottom. 212 00:07:37,290 --> 00:07:39,518 - Okay, but it's harder with someone like a nanny, right? 213 00:07:39,542 --> 00:07:41,044 There's an emotional component. 214 00:07:41,336 --> 00:07:42,438 She takes care of your baby. 215 00:07:42,462 --> 00:07:45,465 - Lemon, you just had a structural, analytic insight. 216 00:07:45,757 --> 00:07:47,197 Professor Widmer would have given you 217 00:07:47,425 --> 00:07:48,468 a "good job" spanking. 218 00:07:48,760 --> 00:07:50,136 - What is business school? 219 00:07:50,428 --> 00:07:51,930 - The reason Sherry can manipulate me 220 00:07:52,222 --> 00:07:54,099 is because she has leverage. 221 00:07:54,391 --> 00:07:55,767 Eight pounds of screaming, 222 00:07:56,059 --> 00:07:57,936 toothless, soft-skulled leverage. 223 00:07:58,228 --> 00:07:59,604 Liddy loves Sherry, 224 00:07:59,896 --> 00:08:02,065 and Sherry assumes that I love Liddy. 225 00:08:02,357 --> 00:08:03,858 - But you do, right? 226 00:08:04,150 --> 00:08:06,030 - Yes. But Sherry can't prove that I love Liddy, 227 00:08:06,236 --> 00:08:08,488 so I renegotiate under new conditions, 228 00:08:08,780 --> 00:08:11,533 specifically, that I hate my newborn daughter. 229 00:08:11,825 --> 00:08:13,785 - Wow, Jack. I could never pretend 230 00:08:14,077 --> 00:08:15,453 to hate my beautiful baby daughter, 231 00:08:15,745 --> 00:08:16,997 Emily Dickinson the cat. 232 00:08:17,288 --> 00:08:18,288 Oh, boy. 233 00:08:18,498 --> 00:08:21,376 - Uh-oh. I don't feel so good. 234 00:08:21,668 --> 00:08:23,294 I think maybe I have food poisoning. 235 00:08:23,586 --> 00:08:24,647 - Really? 'Cause I've never had a problem 236 00:08:24,671 --> 00:08:27,799 ordering from American sub restaurant very clean come in. 237 00:08:28,091 --> 00:08:30,760 - I'm sorry. Could you just, um, leave your notes? 238 00:08:31,052 --> 00:08:33,221 I'll come in early tomorrow to finish! 239 00:08:33,513 --> 00:08:36,433 - I guess this means you're free tonight after all. 240 00:08:36,725 --> 00:08:37,765 - Where did you come from? 241 00:08:38,018 --> 00:08:38,643 - It's a trick I developed 242 00:08:38,935 --> 00:08:40,854 to catch people talking about me behind my back. 243 00:08:41,146 --> 00:08:43,231 Did you know everyone thinks I'm insane? 244 00:08:43,523 --> 00:08:46,276 Now you have no excuse to stay in. 245 00:08:46,568 --> 00:08:47,736 - Aw, come on, no! 246 00:08:48,028 --> 00:08:49,738 Jenna, you know how much I hate clubs 247 00:08:50,030 --> 00:08:52,032 and dance halls and odeons. 248 00:08:52,323 --> 00:08:53,450 They're all malarkey. 249 00:08:53,742 --> 00:08:55,910 - Okay, what if I promise to find a place you like? 250 00:08:56,202 --> 00:08:58,788 - And if I don't like it, I can leave? 251 00:08:59,080 --> 00:09:01,207 - Yes, if you don't like it, you can leave. 252 00:09:01,499 --> 00:09:04,294 This isn't Eric Roberts' tepee. 253 00:09:06,421 --> 00:09:08,465 - Ah, Sherry. 254 00:09:08,757 --> 00:09:10,675 Excellent. 255 00:09:10,967 --> 00:09:13,344 I've been thinking about our conversation earlier. 256 00:09:13,636 --> 00:09:15,555 It occurs to me that you are laboring 257 00:09:15,847 --> 00:09:17,766 under a fatal misapprehension. 258 00:09:18,058 --> 00:09:20,060 You think you have leverage over me, 259 00:09:20,351 --> 00:09:21,351 but you don't. 260 00:09:21,478 --> 00:09:23,521 I don't care about the baby. 261 00:09:23,813 --> 00:09:25,482 I've only known her for a few weeks, 262 00:09:25,774 --> 00:09:27,692 and other than a fondness for Avery's breasts, 263 00:09:27,984 --> 00:09:29,652 Liddy and I have nothing in common. 264 00:09:29,944 --> 00:09:30,944 She is one of two people 265 00:09:31,196 --> 00:09:32,697 ever to have thrown up on me, 266 00:09:32,989 --> 00:09:34,091 and I haven't spoken to Joe Namath 267 00:09:34,115 --> 00:09:35,283 since that Mardi Gras. 268 00:09:35,575 --> 00:09:37,952 What's more, I don't think Liddy looks like me, 269 00:09:38,244 --> 00:09:41,247 so evolutionarily, that makes me want to eat her. 270 00:09:41,539 --> 00:09:43,666 In other words, either you take a pay cut, 271 00:09:43,958 --> 00:09:45,835 or go and look for another job. 272 00:09:46,127 --> 00:09:49,089 Who has the leverage now, Sherry? 273 00:09:51,216 --> 00:09:52,216 Your move. 274 00:09:59,349 --> 00:10:00,517 Please stay. 275 00:10:00,809 --> 00:10:03,228 I'll send everyone in your family to college. 276 00:10:03,520 --> 00:10:05,021 - Mm-hmm. 277 00:10:08,983 --> 00:10:10,693 - So soft music, 278 00:10:10,985 --> 00:10:11,985 ample seating, 279 00:10:12,153 --> 00:10:14,864 and I know how much you like clearly marked fire exits. 280 00:10:15,156 --> 00:10:16,156 - Don't worry. 281 00:10:16,366 --> 00:10:17,486 I'll find something to hate. 282 00:10:17,742 --> 00:10:20,370 Oh, okay, here we go. This sucks. 283 00:10:20,662 --> 00:10:22,831 This place is called "canal yards project"? 284 00:10:23,123 --> 00:10:24,123 What does that mean? 285 00:10:24,165 --> 00:10:25,165 - I don't know. 286 00:10:25,208 --> 00:10:26,352 It used to be a factory or something. 287 00:10:26,376 --> 00:10:27,376 - Nope. Hipster nonsense. 288 00:10:27,585 --> 00:10:28,585 I'm out. 289 00:10:28,628 --> 00:10:30,231 - No, you are not leaving because of the name. 290 00:10:30,255 --> 00:10:31,714 Excuse me, can I order 291 00:10:32,006 --> 00:10:33,716 two diet cranberry beach bangs, please? 292 00:10:34,008 --> 00:10:35,444 - You got it. I'm gonna need to see your I.D., miss. 293 00:10:35,468 --> 00:10:36,719 - How about this for I.D.? 294 00:10:37,011 --> 00:10:40,682 I participated in hands across america. 295 00:10:42,058 --> 00:10:44,102 Nerds. Where is it? 296 00:10:44,394 --> 00:10:46,729 Okay, my license is missing, 297 00:10:47,021 --> 00:10:48,189 which is my cue to go home. 298 00:10:48,481 --> 00:10:50,817 - Excuse me. Is this yours? 299 00:10:51,109 --> 00:10:52,527 - Oh, yeah. Thanks. 300 00:10:52,819 --> 00:10:54,619 - I recognized your hair from across the room. 301 00:10:54,737 --> 00:10:56,114 What is that? Is that Chestnut? 302 00:10:56,406 --> 00:10:57,907 - Oh, the color is actually called 303 00:10:58,199 --> 00:11:00,326 "grandfather's shoe." 304 00:11:00,952 --> 00:11:02,787 - Uh, can I get you a drink? 305 00:11:03,079 --> 00:11:05,498 I'm having white wine with ice cubes and sprite. 306 00:11:05,790 --> 00:11:06,790 - That's my drink! 307 00:11:06,833 --> 00:11:08,233 I keep a thermos of it by my toilet! 308 00:11:08,293 --> 00:11:09,293 You misheard me. 309 00:11:09,502 --> 00:11:10,962 - Okay. Uh, excuse me. 310 00:11:11,254 --> 00:11:14,007 Can I get two more of these, please? 311 00:11:16,676 --> 00:11:19,095 - So did they make your droids wait outside too? 312 00:11:19,387 --> 00:11:21,931 - Seriously, why can't droids go into the cantina? 313 00:11:22,223 --> 00:11:24,142 I mean, Ponda Baba can try to shoot Luke... 314 00:11:24,434 --> 00:11:28,438 - but a protocol droid is somehow a problem. 315 00:11:36,237 --> 00:11:39,157 - ♪ Castles fall into the sand ♪ 316 00:11:39,449 --> 00:11:42,452 ♪ could this really be god's plan? ♪ 317 00:11:42,744 --> 00:11:44,287 ♪ Or is it never too late? ♪ 318 00:11:44,579 --> 00:11:46,831 ♪ It's never too late for now ♪ 319 00:11:48,166 --> 00:11:49,834 - Why can't I hear my vocals? 320 00:11:50,126 --> 00:11:51,461 - I just mixed them down a little. 321 00:11:51,753 --> 00:11:52,753 I think it sounds better. 322 00:11:53,004 --> 00:11:54,004 - Oh, really? 323 00:11:54,130 --> 00:11:55,590 Do you think that, or does she? 324 00:11:55,882 --> 00:11:57,967 - This has nothing to do with yuki. 325 00:11:58,259 --> 00:11:59,552 This is about making my song... 326 00:11:59,844 --> 00:12:00,844 - your song? 327 00:12:00,887 --> 00:12:02,287 All right, you know what? Forget it! 328 00:12:02,388 --> 00:12:04,015 Sound mound is finished! 329 00:12:04,307 --> 00:12:07,685 Which means I now have 5,000 t-shirts to UN-order. 330 00:12:07,977 --> 00:12:09,979 - Pete, like, 20 of these just came in for you. 331 00:12:10,271 --> 00:12:13,107 - Damn it! 332 00:12:13,399 --> 00:12:15,199 - I'm having a really nice time with you, Liz. 333 00:12:15,360 --> 00:12:16,819 - Me, too, Anders. 334 00:12:17,111 --> 00:12:20,573 I like how you don't have one weird little tooth. 335 00:12:20,865 --> 00:12:22,158 - Thank you. 336 00:12:22,450 --> 00:12:24,094 Look, I was gonna go back to my hotel room, 337 00:12:24,118 --> 00:12:25,438 get Eat Pray Love on Spectravision 338 00:12:25,662 --> 00:12:26,662 and make fun of it. 339 00:12:26,788 --> 00:12:28,539 - Ew, Julia Roberts in a movie about eating? 340 00:12:28,831 --> 00:12:30,291 Give me kirstie alley, 341 00:12:30,583 --> 00:12:31,983 somebody who knows what she's doing. 342 00:12:32,252 --> 00:12:33,252 - Come on. 343 00:12:33,336 --> 00:12:35,004 Let's go. 344 00:12:35,296 --> 00:12:39,509 - Oh, boy. That does sound fun, but... 345 00:12:39,801 --> 00:12:40,885 I really shouldn't. 346 00:12:41,177 --> 00:12:42,257 I came here with my friend, 347 00:12:42,512 --> 00:12:44,138 so I'm just gonna stay here. 348 00:12:44,430 --> 00:12:45,430 - Get off me! My eye! 349 00:12:45,556 --> 00:12:46,808 - It's a fight. 350 00:12:47,100 --> 00:12:48,768 Typical nightclub malarkey! 351 00:12:52,605 --> 00:12:53,815 Whoa. 352 00:12:56,859 --> 00:12:58,152 You okay? 353 00:12:58,444 --> 00:12:59,838 - My heart's pounding like I'm watching 354 00:12:59,862 --> 00:13:02,407 Oprah's farewell season. 355 00:13:04,534 --> 00:13:06,619 I thought the stupid universe was telling me 356 00:13:06,911 --> 00:13:08,246 to get a cat and be a spinster, 357 00:13:08,538 --> 00:13:09,580 and now I don't know. 358 00:13:09,872 --> 00:13:11,457 What's it trying to tell me with you? 359 00:13:11,749 --> 00:13:13,459 - Liz, look, 360 00:13:13,751 --> 00:13:17,547 I don't believe in signs or messages from the universe. 361 00:13:17,839 --> 00:13:19,799 You know what I do believe? 362 00:13:20,091 --> 00:13:21,634 It's never too late for now. 363 00:13:21,926 --> 00:13:24,178 - ♪ It's never, it's never ♪ 364 00:13:24,470 --> 00:13:27,140 ♪ it's never, it's never ♪ 365 00:13:27,432 --> 00:13:31,686 ♪ it's never too late ♪ 366 00:13:31,978 --> 00:13:37,025 ♪ it's never too late for now ♪ 367 00:13:41,571 --> 00:13:44,490 - Every day, we give you $100 for cab fare home. 368 00:13:44,782 --> 00:13:47,243 Do you realize what you're doing to me, Sherry? 369 00:13:47,535 --> 00:13:50,121 You're unraveling the very fabric of who I am. 370 00:13:50,413 --> 00:13:52,457 I negotiate for a living, and I never lose. 371 00:13:52,749 --> 00:13:53,949 And now I have to go negotiate 372 00:13:54,208 --> 00:13:55,626 with my colleagues at Kabletown 373 00:13:55,918 --> 00:13:58,129 after having been reamed by a woman 374 00:13:58,421 --> 00:14:00,089 wearing winnie the pooh hospital pants. 375 00:14:00,381 --> 00:14:02,300 I don't have what you have, Sherry. 376 00:14:02,592 --> 00:14:04,177 A brand-new baby that they've poured 377 00:14:04,469 --> 00:14:06,137 time and money and love into. 378 00:14:06,429 --> 00:14:10,099 Some helpless, pathetic, useless thing 379 00:14:10,391 --> 00:14:13,770 that would die if left alo... 380 00:14:14,062 --> 00:14:18,441 Oh, god, I do have that. 381 00:14:18,733 --> 00:14:20,485 I have NBC. 382 00:14:20,777 --> 00:14:23,112 - Look, broadcast networks receiving licensing fees 383 00:14:23,404 --> 00:14:24,447 is unprecedented, Jack. 384 00:14:24,739 --> 00:14:26,616 But we're willing to offer NBC 385 00:14:26,908 --> 00:14:28,659 10% of what we pay cable. 386 00:14:36,751 --> 00:14:41,297 I mean, okay, uh, not to negotiate against myself, 387 00:14:41,589 --> 00:14:43,674 but I get where you guys are coming from. 388 00:14:43,966 --> 00:14:45,843 - Mm-hmm. 389 00:14:46,135 --> 00:14:48,554 - Look, NBC is part of the Kabletown family now. 390 00:14:48,846 --> 00:14:51,516 It's our baby, and we want it to thrive. 391 00:14:51,808 --> 00:14:55,228 But your offer is... It's unreasonable! 392 00:14:56,062 --> 00:14:58,564 - So what you wanna do? 393 00:15:04,153 --> 00:15:05,988 - Oh, way to go, Liz! 394 00:15:06,280 --> 00:15:07,615 - Attagirl! Walk of shame! 395 00:15:07,907 --> 00:15:10,284 - You bow-legged bitch! 396 00:15:12,745 --> 00:15:15,123 - Ah. I see you opened the scotch NBC sent us 397 00:15:15,415 --> 00:15:16,495 that week we came in third. 398 00:15:16,541 --> 00:15:17,935 I'm guessing your meeting went well. 399 00:15:17,959 --> 00:15:18,959 - Homerun, Lemon. 400 00:15:19,043 --> 00:15:20,670 And, uh, speaking of baseball metaphors, 401 00:15:20,962 --> 00:15:23,047 I see that someone got to first base, 402 00:15:23,339 --> 00:15:25,258 which is what I consider sex with a stranger. 403 00:15:25,550 --> 00:15:27,301 - Okay, fine. I had a one-night stand, 404 00:15:27,593 --> 00:15:29,303 and it was not the worst. 405 00:15:29,595 --> 00:15:30,680 And maybe you're right. 406 00:15:30,972 --> 00:15:33,307 I shouldn't give up just yet. 407 00:15:34,809 --> 00:15:35,893 - Mm. 408 00:15:36,185 --> 00:15:38,646 Still, I can't believe I did that. 409 00:15:38,938 --> 00:15:40,064 And I wouldn't have 410 00:15:40,356 --> 00:15:41,983 if everything hadn't gone so perfectly. 411 00:15:42,275 --> 00:15:44,169 I mean, what if I had been stuck in the edit room all night, 412 00:15:44,193 --> 00:15:46,362 or if I hated the club and left? 413 00:15:46,654 --> 00:15:47,654 Or what if Anders... 414 00:15:47,822 --> 00:15:50,658 Yeah, Anders... Hadn't found my license? 415 00:15:50,950 --> 00:15:52,070 - Don't overthink it, Lemon. 416 00:15:52,118 --> 00:15:53,411 Stranger things happen every day. 417 00:15:53,703 --> 00:15:55,371 I once saw an Internet video 418 00:15:55,663 --> 00:15:58,458 of a mouse and a bird that are friends. 419 00:15:58,749 --> 00:16:00,126 Don't overthink it. 420 00:16:00,418 --> 00:16:02,044 Ah. 421 00:16:17,768 --> 00:16:19,187 - Gasp. 422 00:16:19,479 --> 00:16:24,817 Last night, a repulsive act occurred at a hotel in midtown. 423 00:16:25,109 --> 00:16:27,195 There are two possible explanations 424 00:16:27,487 --> 00:16:30,907 as to how this event came to be... 425 00:16:31,199 --> 00:16:33,784 A simple one and a complex one. 426 00:16:34,076 --> 00:16:37,580 The simple explanation is that I went to a discotheque 427 00:16:37,872 --> 00:16:40,166 and a handsome, interesting man fell for me. 428 00:16:40,458 --> 00:16:43,711 In the wake of my breakup, I allowed myself 429 00:16:44,003 --> 00:16:45,603 to have an experience that gave me reason 430 00:16:45,630 --> 00:16:47,024 to be hopeful about the future again. 431 00:16:47,048 --> 00:16:48,048 Very simple. 432 00:16:48,174 --> 00:16:49,454 - Great. I think we're done here. 433 00:16:49,509 --> 00:16:50,510 - Please, monsieur. 434 00:16:50,801 --> 00:16:54,430 There remains, of course, the complex explanation... 435 00:16:54,722 --> 00:16:58,351 A vast conspiracy involving multiple agents 436 00:16:58,643 --> 00:17:00,978 and precise, coordinated efforts. 437 00:17:01,270 --> 00:17:05,566 A conspiracy that begins with the timely food poisoning 438 00:17:05,858 --> 00:17:07,401 of Donna Straunk. 439 00:17:07,693 --> 00:17:13,282 And who here has access to Donna's food? 440 00:17:16,577 --> 00:17:19,372 ♪ ♪ 441 00:17:19,664 --> 00:17:22,500 The second peculiar event... I lose my license, 442 00:17:22,792 --> 00:17:25,169 allowing it to be found by a handsome stranger. 443 00:17:25,461 --> 00:17:27,713 Serendipity? Perhaps. 444 00:17:28,005 --> 00:17:30,383 But how does one lose one's license 445 00:17:30,675 --> 00:17:34,011 out of a malfunction-proof velcro Phillies sport wallet? 446 00:17:34,303 --> 00:17:36,889 Someone must have had access to my Fanny pack. 447 00:17:37,181 --> 00:17:38,516 - I only wanted ibuprofen. 448 00:17:38,808 --> 00:17:41,519 - Then why is my ibuprofen bottle still sealed? 449 00:17:41,811 --> 00:17:42,979 Ah. 450 00:17:46,274 --> 00:17:52,488 ♪ ♪ 451 00:17:52,780 --> 00:17:54,615 - And then there is the matter of the wine. 452 00:17:54,907 --> 00:17:57,159 Four glasses, and yet I was wide awake. 453 00:17:57,451 --> 00:17:59,161 Was my uncharacteristic energy 454 00:17:59,453 --> 00:18:02,415 perhaps due to the giddiness of the evening? 455 00:18:02,707 --> 00:18:05,209 Or was someone slipping me 456 00:18:05,501 --> 00:18:07,587 black market organ-slimming pills? 457 00:18:07,878 --> 00:18:08,504 - Liz, I wouldn't... 458 00:18:08,796 --> 00:18:10,715 - the conspiracy continues. 459 00:18:11,007 --> 00:18:12,967 What pushed me out of the club 460 00:18:13,259 --> 00:18:15,553 when I was wavering about leaving with Anders? 461 00:18:15,845 --> 00:18:18,556 - Yeah, I came here with my friend, 462 00:18:18,848 --> 00:18:20,641 so I'm just gonna stay here. 463 00:18:22,810 --> 00:18:25,521 - Aah! 464 00:18:25,813 --> 00:18:28,316 Yah! 465 00:18:30,067 --> 00:18:31,944 Get off of me! My eye! 466 00:18:43,873 --> 00:18:44,957 - What, this? 467 00:18:45,249 --> 00:18:47,501 I got hit by a bird on a roller coaster. 468 00:18:47,793 --> 00:18:51,005 - Even the club was strange. 469 00:18:51,297 --> 00:18:53,883 Almost as if it had been designed specifically for me, 470 00:18:54,175 --> 00:18:56,427 but who has the resources and the connections 471 00:18:56,719 --> 00:19:00,723 to create a Liz Lemon-themed club in one day? 472 00:19:07,938 --> 00:19:10,066 - You had to sign your crime, didn't you? 473 00:19:10,358 --> 00:19:12,693 - You're the one who gave me those monk DVDs. 474 00:19:12,985 --> 00:19:14,403 - And what was the final straw? 475 00:19:14,695 --> 00:19:16,364 It was Anders saying, 476 00:19:16,656 --> 00:19:19,158 "it's never too late for now," 477 00:19:19,450 --> 00:19:22,411 a coincidence that I took as a sign from the universe. 478 00:19:22,703 --> 00:19:24,747 - Also, it's just a great song... 479 00:19:25,039 --> 00:19:26,582 That Pete wrote. 480 00:19:26,874 --> 00:19:28,709 - Thanks, man. 481 00:19:29,001 --> 00:19:30,878 Sound mound rocks the town. 482 00:19:31,170 --> 00:19:32,380 - Shut up, both of you. 483 00:19:32,672 --> 00:19:35,508 So how did Anders even know that phrase? 484 00:19:35,800 --> 00:19:39,261 How did Anders seem to know everything about me? 485 00:19:39,553 --> 00:19:43,140 - It's white wine, ice cubes, and sprite. 486 00:19:43,432 --> 00:19:44,558 She calls it... 487 00:19:44,850 --> 00:19:46,143 Funky juice. 488 00:19:46,435 --> 00:19:48,396 - I don't know if I want to do this. 489 00:19:48,688 --> 00:19:50,815 - There's only one question I can't answer. 490 00:19:51,107 --> 00:19:53,109 Who was Anders? 491 00:19:53,401 --> 00:19:55,528 An old Harvard chum of Toofer's? 492 00:19:55,820 --> 00:19:57,822 The son of one of Jack's senator friends? 493 00:19:58,114 --> 00:19:59,990 - He certainly wasn't a Swiss prostitute 494 00:20:00,282 --> 00:20:03,828 that Martha Stewart recommended to me. 495 00:20:04,704 --> 00:20:07,957 - And that is the complex explanation. 496 00:20:08,249 --> 00:20:11,961 Of course, such a conspiracy would require a group of people 497 00:20:12,253 --> 00:20:17,007 who knew me so well and cared about my happiness so much 498 00:20:17,299 --> 00:20:20,052 that it's impossible to believe. 499 00:20:20,344 --> 00:20:23,931 No one could ever be that lucky. 500 00:20:24,223 --> 00:20:27,560 Which is why I choose the simple explanation. 501 00:20:27,852 --> 00:20:29,854 I choose to believe that last night 502 00:20:30,146 --> 00:20:32,148 Liz Lemon went out, got some, 503 00:20:32,440 --> 00:20:33,440 and felt good about it. 504 00:20:33,649 --> 00:20:37,486 And so I say good-bye to spinsterhood. 505 00:20:37,778 --> 00:20:40,656 Good-bye to giving up and to... 506 00:20:40,948 --> 00:20:42,450 Oh, god, a hawk got her! 507 00:20:42,742 --> 00:20:44,410 Emily Dickinson! 508 00:20:46,370 --> 00:20:47,639 - ♪ 'Cause she's a weekend lady ♪ 509 00:20:47,663 --> 00:20:49,749 ♪ she's got that weekend style ♪ 510 00:20:50,040 --> 00:20:53,753 ♪ ♪ 511 00:20:54,044 --> 00:20:55,880 ♪ temperature's risin' ♪ 512 00:20:56,172 --> 00:20:59,133 ♪ she's gonna make you smile ♪ 513 00:20:59,425 --> 00:21:01,093 ♪ ♪ 514 00:21:01,385 --> 00:21:03,185 Both: ♪ Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday ♪ 515 00:21:03,304 --> 00:21:04,513 ♪ uh-uh-uh ♪ 516 00:21:04,805 --> 00:21:06,557 ♪ Friday, Saturday ♪ 517 00:21:06,849 --> 00:21:08,289 ♪ kinda Sunday, and holiday mondays ♪ 518 00:21:08,476 --> 00:21:09,727 ♪ uh-huh-huh ♪ 519 00:21:10,019 --> 00:21:11,812 ♪ 'cause she's a weekend woman ♪ 520 00:21:12,104 --> 00:21:13,731 ♪ gonna make her mine ♪ 521 00:21:14,023 --> 00:21:16,108 ♪ gonna make it the weekend ♪ 522 00:21:16,400 --> 00:21:18,736 ♪ all the time ♪ 523 00:21:19,028 --> 00:21:20,029 Weekend woman!