1 00:00:04,338 --> 00:00:06,048 - Go back to the top. One more time, guys. 2 00:00:06,340 --> 00:00:08,180 - Everyone, I need your attention... Gather up. 3 00:00:08,383 --> 00:00:12,679 I said everyone, sketch-tron 6000. 4 00:00:12,971 --> 00:00:16,183 Mr. Hank Hooper, the owner of our new parent company, 5 00:00:16,475 --> 00:00:20,145 Kabletown, is touring 30 rock for the first time today. 6 00:00:20,437 --> 00:00:22,523 I will make a good first impression, 7 00:00:22,814 --> 00:00:25,526 so I need all of you to be your most normal. 8 00:00:25,817 --> 00:00:28,529 Tracy, do not mention where you think dinosaurs come from. 9 00:00:28,820 --> 00:00:30,220 - Do not mention the underwater city 10 00:00:30,280 --> 00:00:31,406 of Sauronicon... got it. 11 00:00:31,698 --> 00:00:33,134 - Jenna, get all of your crazy yelling 12 00:00:33,158 --> 00:00:34,158 out of your system. 13 00:00:34,243 --> 00:00:35,428 - If you don't volumize my hair, 14 00:00:35,452 --> 00:00:36,995 I will choke you to death 15 00:00:37,287 --> 00:00:39,039 with your boyfriend's wig! - Very good. 16 00:00:39,331 --> 00:00:40,958 Frank, how is your armpit thing? 17 00:00:41,250 --> 00:00:43,210 - Not great. It's almost touching my thigh thing. 18 00:00:43,502 --> 00:00:48,048 - Okay, let's do our best. 19 00:00:48,340 --> 00:00:51,635 Remember, everyone, just don't be yourselves. 20 00:00:51,927 --> 00:00:54,513 Lemon, meet me in my office in ten. 21 00:00:54,805 --> 00:00:55,925 I need to ask you something. 22 00:00:56,014 --> 00:00:58,058 - Oh, do you need sex advice? Here's a tip. 23 00:00:58,350 --> 00:01:02,563 Sometimes a lady likes to leave her blazer on. 24 00:01:03,397 --> 00:01:06,149 - Sir, ma'am, this is for you... a gift bag. 25 00:01:06,441 --> 00:01:08,485 "To my two favorite sketch stars. 26 00:01:08,777 --> 00:01:10,988 Your new friend, Hank Hooper." 27 00:01:11,280 --> 00:01:13,865 - That's nice. Actors deserve gifts. 28 00:01:14,157 --> 00:01:18,745 Without us, who would present awards to actors? 29 00:01:19,413 --> 00:01:22,916 - So... which one of us is going to get this computer? 30 00:01:23,208 --> 00:01:25,460 Just kidding. We both are! 31 00:01:25,752 --> 00:01:27,170 - Wow, I always wanted one of these. 32 00:01:27,462 --> 00:01:29,047 The box would make a perfect coffin 33 00:01:29,339 --> 00:01:29,840 for my Teddy bear. 34 00:01:30,132 --> 00:01:32,634 - There's two of everything! 35 00:01:32,926 --> 00:01:36,263 Look at us. When we met four years ago, 36 00:01:36,555 --> 00:01:38,348 we were fighting about the silliest things... 37 00:01:38,640 --> 00:01:40,183 Dressing rooms, air time, 38 00:01:40,475 --> 00:01:41,935 you coming in and ruining my show... 39 00:01:42,227 --> 00:01:43,770 - You taking my nephew's virginity. 40 00:01:44,062 --> 00:01:49,693 - I feel we've finally found a balance in our relationship. 41 00:01:53,322 --> 00:01:55,365 There's only one. 42 00:01:55,657 --> 00:01:58,619 - You take it. I don't care. 43 00:01:58,910 --> 00:02:01,371 I want you to selfishly take the best sweatshirt 44 00:02:01,663 --> 00:02:03,957 in the world. 45 00:02:05,876 --> 00:02:08,337 - Lemon, this is a little delicate, 46 00:02:08,629 --> 00:02:11,465 but I wonder if you might take Avery shopping 47 00:02:11,757 --> 00:02:12,757 for baby things. 48 00:02:12,883 --> 00:02:14,843 - Oh, sure. - You know, a crib, 49 00:02:15,135 --> 00:02:17,095 small clothes, a tiny desk 50 00:02:17,387 --> 00:02:18,847 with a miniature pen set on it. 51 00:02:19,139 --> 00:02:20,474 I don't know a lot about babies, 52 00:02:20,766 --> 00:02:22,046 but I know that Avery would enjoy 53 00:02:22,267 --> 00:02:24,311 having another woman go with her. 54 00:02:24,603 --> 00:02:25,997 - Of course. I'm just a little surprised. 55 00:02:26,021 --> 00:02:28,398 I assumed Avery would have a terrifying best friend 56 00:02:28,690 --> 00:02:29,941 she'd do stuff like that with. 57 00:02:30,233 --> 00:02:31,252 - Avery does have a sister, 58 00:02:31,276 --> 00:02:33,737 but eugenia is currently institutionalized for nerves... 59 00:02:34,029 --> 00:02:35,029 Lesbian... 60 00:02:35,155 --> 00:02:36,424 And all of her work friends are out 61 00:02:36,448 --> 00:02:37,532 because she's still trying 62 00:02:37,824 --> 00:02:39,064 to keep her pregnancy a secret. 63 00:02:39,242 --> 00:02:40,619 - Really? She's eight months. 64 00:02:40,911 --> 00:02:42,412 How is she possibly hiding it? 65 00:02:42,704 --> 00:02:43,765 - Michael kors is a friend. 66 00:02:43,789 --> 00:02:45,069 We own a gay racehorse together. 67 00:02:45,123 --> 00:02:47,334 And I convinced him to make wizard cloaks fashionable 68 00:02:47,626 --> 00:02:48,626 for ladies this winter. 69 00:02:48,752 --> 00:02:49,832 - It's my fault for asking. 70 00:02:49,961 --> 00:02:52,214 - The problem is that Avery is very close 71 00:02:52,506 --> 00:02:54,091 to being named the financial reporter 72 00:02:54,383 --> 00:02:55,008 for NBC nightly news. 73 00:02:55,300 --> 00:02:56,660 If anyone finds out she's pregnant, 74 00:02:56,718 --> 00:02:57,718 she won't get the job. 75 00:02:57,803 --> 00:02:59,721 - Ah, see, that would never happen 76 00:03:00,013 --> 00:03:01,390 if men could get pregnant. 77 00:03:01,682 --> 00:03:03,433 Which is the premise of my one-act play 78 00:03:03,725 --> 00:03:05,394 the seahorses of warwickshire Abbey 79 00:03:05,686 --> 00:03:08,063 - Avery just needs to keep her condition under wraps 80 00:03:08,355 --> 00:03:09,815 until her contract is signed. 81 00:03:10,107 --> 00:03:11,459 Unfortunately, her competition for the job 82 00:03:11,483 --> 00:03:14,569 is Carmen Chao... From MSNBC. 83 00:03:14,861 --> 00:03:17,280 - Oh, I know her. Hey, what ethnicity is she? 84 00:03:17,572 --> 00:03:18,156 - No one knows. 85 00:03:18,448 --> 00:03:19,700 - In international news, 86 00:03:19,991 --> 00:03:21,576 Mexican president Felipe Calderon 87 00:03:21,868 --> 00:03:23,120 is traveling this week to China 88 00:03:23,412 --> 00:03:24,871 to meet with premier Wen Jiabao, 89 00:03:25,163 --> 00:03:26,963 and then stopping for a well-deserved vacation 90 00:03:27,124 --> 00:03:28,417 in Negril, Jamaica, mon. 91 00:03:28,709 --> 00:03:30,752 - If Carmen finds out Avery's pregnant, 92 00:03:31,044 --> 00:03:33,044 she'll use it to destroy her. Carmen's very sneaky. 93 00:03:33,255 --> 00:03:35,191 And that's not racist because I don't know what she is. 94 00:03:35,215 --> 00:03:36,855 - Man, we all lead such complicated lives. 95 00:03:37,092 --> 00:03:37,634 Hey, do you want to go 96 00:03:37,926 --> 00:03:39,326 to that new popcorn place for lunch? 97 00:03:39,511 --> 00:03:41,071 - I'm going to the executive dining room 98 00:03:41,138 --> 00:03:42,139 to meet with Hank Hooper. 99 00:03:42,431 --> 00:03:43,807 I can't wait to shake his hand. 100 00:03:44,099 --> 00:03:46,518 You can tell a lot about someone by their handshake. 101 00:03:46,810 --> 00:03:49,229 - You are confident. 102 00:03:49,521 --> 00:03:52,733 - And you ate dinner in front of a mirror last night. 103 00:03:53,024 --> 00:03:54,484 - Carol's away a lot. 104 00:03:57,779 --> 00:04:05,704 ♪ ♪ 105 00:04:14,379 --> 00:04:16,923 - Ahoy there, Jack. 106 00:04:17,215 --> 00:04:18,967 Hank Hooper. Nice to meet you. 107 00:04:19,259 --> 00:04:21,970 I'm a hugger. 108 00:04:22,262 --> 00:04:24,264 No. Doesn't count as a hug 109 00:04:24,556 --> 00:04:27,058 unless it goes on for ten seconds. 110 00:04:27,350 --> 00:04:28,393 Yeah. 111 00:04:28,685 --> 00:04:30,325 - Well, it is an honor, sir, to finally... 112 00:04:30,520 --> 00:04:32,397 - I'm no "sir," Jack. Call me Hank. 113 00:04:32,689 --> 00:04:34,232 Or "hey, idiot," like my wife does. 114 00:04:34,524 --> 00:04:36,943 I'm kidding. She's an angel. 115 00:04:37,235 --> 00:04:38,236 - Hey, Jack. 116 00:04:38,528 --> 00:04:39,568 - What are you doing here? 117 00:04:39,821 --> 00:04:40,821 - No, it's fine, Jack. 118 00:04:40,989 --> 00:04:43,116 Kabletown's a family company, and where I come from, 119 00:04:43,408 --> 00:04:45,368 families eat together. 120 00:04:45,660 --> 00:04:47,380 This is no longer the executive dining room. 121 00:04:47,621 --> 00:04:49,164 It's the everyone dining room. 122 00:04:49,456 --> 00:04:50,540 Welcome, everyone. 123 00:04:56,922 --> 00:04:59,591 - This is where we used to hold retirement parties. 124 00:04:59,883 --> 00:05:02,260 The balcony below is probably still littered 125 00:05:02,552 --> 00:05:04,137 with stripper bones. 126 00:05:04,429 --> 00:05:06,848 And now there are people here wearing sandals. 127 00:05:07,140 --> 00:05:08,683 - Yeah. - Isn't that nice? 128 00:05:08,975 --> 00:05:10,495 - Listen, can I tell you how happy I am 129 00:05:10,769 --> 00:05:12,813 with the work you've done for us so far? 130 00:05:13,104 --> 00:05:14,104 It's been outstanding. 131 00:05:14,231 --> 00:05:15,941 - Thank you. And believe me, I'm not done. 132 00:05:16,233 --> 00:05:18,735 I'm working on something new right now that I think... 133 00:05:19,027 --> 00:05:20,027 - room for a single? 134 00:05:20,070 --> 00:05:21,696 - Sure. 135 00:05:23,365 --> 00:05:24,741 Let me ask you a question. 136 00:05:25,033 --> 00:05:27,661 Do you know who came up with the idea for the DVR? 137 00:05:27,953 --> 00:05:29,830 It was the guy who drives me home every night. 138 00:05:30,121 --> 00:05:30,705 The original name for the DVR 139 00:05:30,997 --> 00:05:34,000 was "the thing Carlos thought of." 140 00:05:34,292 --> 00:05:37,420 Since then, I make sure that once a month, 141 00:05:37,712 --> 00:05:39,798 anyone who works here can pitch any idea they have 142 00:05:40,090 --> 00:05:41,090 to upper management. 143 00:05:41,174 --> 00:05:43,134 - Anyone? - Mm. 144 00:05:43,426 --> 00:05:44,886 Mmm. 145 00:05:45,178 --> 00:05:46,888 - I see. - So I want you 146 00:05:47,180 --> 00:05:48,974 to hear ideas all day tomorrow, 147 00:05:49,266 --> 00:05:50,475 and then report back to me. 148 00:05:50,767 --> 00:05:52,644 I'll be the guy wearing the bugs bunny tie. 149 00:05:52,936 --> 00:05:55,355 Ha! - What is this green stuff? 150 00:05:55,647 --> 00:05:57,607 Wipe it off. Wipe it off! 151 00:05:57,899 --> 00:06:00,944 - Ecch, these pregnancy photos are so tacky. 152 00:06:01,236 --> 00:06:02,516 They're like those knockoff bags 153 00:06:02,696 --> 00:06:03,989 you get in Chinatown. - Really? 154 00:06:04,281 --> 00:06:06,449 I like my pradort bag. 155 00:06:06,741 --> 00:06:09,786 - Avery Jessup. Que sorpresa! 156 00:06:10,078 --> 00:06:11,398 - Carmen! What are you doing here. 157 00:06:11,663 --> 00:06:13,373 - Oh, I just love babies. 158 00:06:13,665 --> 00:06:14,945 I love their creepy little hands 159 00:06:15,083 --> 00:06:16,686 and the way they crawl fast, like a rat monster. 160 00:06:16,710 --> 00:06:19,629 Question is, what are you doing here. 161 00:06:19,921 --> 00:06:21,673 - Oh, she's here with me. 162 00:06:21,965 --> 00:06:24,134 I'm pregnant, and Avery is helping me 163 00:06:24,426 --> 00:06:27,679 decide what kind of baby megaphone to buy. 164 00:06:27,971 --> 00:06:29,389 Really? 165 00:06:29,681 --> 00:06:31,349 You're the pregnant one? - Yeah. 166 00:06:31,641 --> 00:06:32,893 Some dude jacked me, 167 00:06:33,184 --> 00:06:34,829 and now his sperm is growing in my stomach. 168 00:06:34,853 --> 00:06:36,897 - That's now how babies are made. 169 00:06:37,188 --> 00:06:38,428 - We're gonna go. You're tired. 170 00:06:38,481 --> 00:06:40,483 - Oh, you'll find this interesting. 171 00:06:40,775 --> 00:06:41,919 I'm working on a story right now 172 00:06:41,943 --> 00:06:43,570 about single mothers in their 40s. 173 00:06:43,862 --> 00:06:45,582 - That's a great idea. - So you'll be in it? 174 00:06:45,655 --> 00:06:46,281 Why wouldn't you be? 175 00:06:46,573 --> 00:06:47,949 You just said it was a great idea, 176 00:06:48,241 --> 00:06:49,951 and you're pregnant, right? 177 00:06:50,243 --> 00:06:51,828 So by the law of verbal traps, 178 00:06:52,120 --> 00:06:54,331 you ha veto do it. 179 00:06:54,623 --> 00:06:57,876 - Okay, Carmen, I'll be in your story. 180 00:06:58,168 --> 00:06:59,928 You can interview me at the new popcorn place 181 00:07:00,086 --> 00:07:01,129 on 11th Avenue. 182 00:07:01,421 --> 00:07:03,256 - No, we'll do it at your office. 183 00:07:03,548 --> 00:07:05,428 - Fine. I'll just go to the popcorn place alone, 184 00:07:05,634 --> 00:07:07,427 even though all their advertising suggests 185 00:07:07,719 --> 00:07:09,079 it is a place for groups of friends 186 00:07:09,262 --> 00:07:12,140 to have a good time. 187 00:07:15,060 --> 00:07:17,395 - Hello. 188 00:07:17,687 --> 00:07:19,522 Good sweatshirt to you. 189 00:07:19,814 --> 00:07:21,733 How are you sweatshirting this sweatshirt? 190 00:07:22,025 --> 00:07:23,305 - Is everything all right, Tracy? 191 00:07:23,485 --> 00:07:24,611 - I want that sweatshirt! 192 00:07:24,903 --> 00:07:27,322 - No. You can't take this away from me, 193 00:07:27,614 --> 00:07:28,698 like you took away my show. 194 00:07:28,990 --> 00:07:31,159 And my grandmother's jewelry chest. 195 00:07:31,451 --> 00:07:33,411 - Was I supposed to throw up in something of mine? 196 00:07:33,620 --> 00:07:34,871 - You gave this to me. 197 00:07:35,163 --> 00:07:36,998 - And I can take it back. I'm the star here. 198 00:07:37,290 --> 00:07:38,643 And if there's only one sweatshirt, 199 00:07:38,667 --> 00:07:39,793 the star should have it. 200 00:07:40,085 --> 00:07:41,670 Look how Gray it is. 201 00:07:41,962 --> 00:07:43,672 Let me just hold it for one second. 202 00:07:43,964 --> 00:07:46,132 - Well... okay. 203 00:07:46,424 --> 00:07:48,426 But just one second. 204 00:07:48,718 --> 00:07:50,345 You'll never get her! 205 00:07:50,637 --> 00:07:52,305 - Stop! Sweatshirty is a boy! 206 00:07:52,597 --> 00:07:54,683 - Miss Lemon. 207 00:07:54,975 --> 00:07:57,143 Carmen Chao called about an interview. 208 00:07:57,435 --> 00:07:59,688 Is she doing an expose on how feminism has led 209 00:07:59,980 --> 00:08:01,660 to a happiness crisis among educated women? 210 00:08:01,898 --> 00:08:03,525 - No, Kenneth, it's nothing. 211 00:08:03,817 --> 00:08:05,211 I'm gonna call Jack and make it go away. 212 00:08:05,235 --> 00:08:06,569 - Check this out. 213 00:08:06,861 --> 00:08:08,613 I was up in the everybody dining room, 214 00:08:08,905 --> 00:08:10,615 sharing a table with b. Dubs here, 215 00:08:10,907 --> 00:08:12,409 and guess what he told me. 216 00:08:12,701 --> 00:08:13,994 - Okay, gossip alert. 217 00:08:14,285 --> 00:08:16,746 According to my colleague Carmen Chao, 218 00:08:17,038 --> 00:08:20,208 our friend Liz Lemon is pregnant. 219 00:08:21,960 --> 00:08:23,712 - Dude, is that true? 220 00:08:24,004 --> 00:08:25,804 Are you pregnant? - Isn't that wonderful news? 221 00:08:26,047 --> 00:08:28,842 Lemon told me this morning she got jacked big time. 222 00:08:29,134 --> 00:08:30,385 Uh, Lemon, a word? 223 00:08:33,263 --> 00:08:34,723 - What the hell is gong on? 224 00:08:35,015 --> 00:08:37,559 - Thank you for covering for Avery last night. 225 00:08:37,851 --> 00:08:39,036 But now you're a part of this, 226 00:08:39,060 --> 00:08:40,937 and Carmen Chao is relentless! 227 00:08:41,229 --> 00:08:42,669 Like a bloodhound. Perhaps literally. 228 00:08:42,939 --> 00:08:44,583 We still don't know her genetic background. 229 00:08:44,607 --> 00:08:46,127 - So what, now people think I'm pregnant? 230 00:08:46,151 --> 00:08:47,986 Do I have to do this mom news story? 231 00:08:48,278 --> 00:08:49,529 - There is no news story. 232 00:08:49,821 --> 00:08:51,215 Carmen isn't getting anywhere with Avery, 233 00:08:51,239 --> 00:08:52,657 so she's trying to call your bluff. 234 00:08:52,949 --> 00:08:54,829 - Well, it is called. I am telling everyone here 235 00:08:54,993 --> 00:08:56,053 that there's no way I could be pregnant 236 00:08:56,077 --> 00:08:58,872 because I have had my period for the last 61 days. 237 00:08:59,164 --> 00:09:00,373 - Lemon, please. 238 00:09:00,665 --> 00:09:02,542 Avery's career has never been more important 239 00:09:02,834 --> 00:09:04,437 because I just don't know what's happening with mine! 240 00:09:04,461 --> 00:09:06,337 - What? Why? - Oh... 241 00:09:06,629 --> 00:09:07,964 The everyone dining room, 242 00:09:08,256 --> 00:09:09,549 open office hours, 243 00:09:09,841 --> 00:09:11,259 memos with emoticons in them! 244 00:09:11,551 --> 00:09:13,136 If this is how Kabletown does business, 245 00:09:13,428 --> 00:09:14,868 I don't know if I have a future here. 246 00:09:14,971 --> 00:09:16,723 I'm Jack Donaghy! 247 00:09:17,015 --> 00:09:18,725 Don Geiss gave me this watch 248 00:09:19,017 --> 00:09:20,297 for firing a man on his deathbed! 249 00:09:20,560 --> 00:09:21,770 - So wait, you might leave? 250 00:09:22,062 --> 00:09:23,605 - I don't know if I can survive here. 251 00:09:23,897 --> 00:09:25,732 So I need you to fake being pregnant 252 00:09:26,024 --> 00:09:27,024 to help my family. 253 00:09:27,067 --> 00:09:29,152 I'm asking you as a friend. 254 00:09:29,444 --> 00:09:30,796 - How come when I try to get you to go 255 00:09:30,820 --> 00:09:32,140 to a murder-mystery party with me, 256 00:09:32,238 --> 00:09:33,998 it's all, "we're business colleagues, Lemon"? 257 00:09:34,199 --> 00:09:36,052 Ugh, I don't know why I ever chose you as a friend. 258 00:09:36,076 --> 00:09:37,956 - Let's just be clear about this... I chose you. 259 00:09:38,203 --> 00:09:40,663 - I heard the blessed news, Liz. May I kiss your stomach? 260 00:09:40,955 --> 00:09:43,750 - Absolutely not. - Hello, beautiful. 261 00:09:44,042 --> 00:09:45,042 It's uncle Wutzy. 262 00:09:45,210 --> 00:09:46,228 Oh, hey, Jack, you and I have 263 00:09:46,252 --> 00:09:48,379 a pitch meeting later. 264 00:09:48,671 --> 00:09:49,791 You're a baby. 265 00:09:50,048 --> 00:09:53,051 Yes, you are. Yes, you're a baby... 266 00:09:53,593 --> 00:09:54,593 - hyah! 267 00:09:54,719 --> 00:09:55,780 So that's basically the show. 268 00:09:55,804 --> 00:09:57,597 And my sidekick is a hot black chick 269 00:09:57,889 --> 00:09:59,516 who can read minds. 270 00:09:59,808 --> 00:10:01,077 - We need a button that switches 271 00:10:01,101 --> 00:10:03,812 from pornography to basketball immediately. 272 00:10:04,104 --> 00:10:04,646 What you have isn't fast enough. 273 00:10:04,938 --> 00:10:07,315 My kids are starting to ask questions 274 00:10:07,607 --> 00:10:10,151 that I can't answer. 275 00:10:10,443 --> 00:10:12,403 - This'll just be a minute. 276 00:10:12,695 --> 00:10:14,364 Did you check the lightbulb? 277 00:10:14,656 --> 00:10:17,450 - Please do not use that tone. 278 00:10:17,742 --> 00:10:20,578 - So much of television is really not fit for children 279 00:10:20,870 --> 00:10:22,622 or christians or the elderly. 280 00:10:22,914 --> 00:10:25,625 So what if there was a black bar 281 00:10:25,917 --> 00:10:27,794 on the lower half of your TV screen 282 00:10:28,086 --> 00:10:29,796 that kept you from seeing bad things? 283 00:10:30,088 --> 00:10:31,631 Like nudity, or soccer. 284 00:10:31,923 --> 00:10:35,969 - Congratulations. Worst so far! 285 00:10:36,261 --> 00:10:39,389 - Liz, I never get anything. 286 00:10:39,681 --> 00:10:41,891 All I want is one sweatshirt. 287 00:10:42,183 --> 00:10:43,583 - Don't listen to her. She's not me. 288 00:10:43,643 --> 00:10:44,643 - What is going on? 289 00:10:44,686 --> 00:10:45,830 - This is mine. - The story begins 290 00:10:45,854 --> 00:10:46,521 when dolphins ruled the earth. 291 00:10:46,813 --> 00:10:48,940 - Hey, guys, lay off Liz, okay? 292 00:10:49,232 --> 00:10:51,234 You know she's pregnant. - Really? 293 00:10:51,526 --> 00:10:54,320 - Yeah. Super-pregnant. - Congratulations. 294 00:10:54,612 --> 00:10:57,532 I am not interested in godfather duties. 295 00:10:57,824 --> 00:10:59,176 - Now's not the time to discuss this, 296 00:10:59,200 --> 00:11:01,244 but I will need to eat your umbilical cord. 297 00:11:01,536 --> 00:11:03,016 - I'm sorry we were stressing you out. 298 00:11:03,246 --> 00:11:04,246 We shouldn't do that. 299 00:11:04,289 --> 00:11:05,748 It'll turn the child into a Dracula. 300 00:11:06,040 --> 00:11:07,040 - I'm sorry. 301 00:11:07,083 --> 00:11:10,420 - You know what, give me the sweatshirt. 302 00:11:12,172 --> 00:11:13,381 Problem solved. 303 00:11:13,673 --> 00:11:14,673 Now no one gets it. 304 00:11:14,799 --> 00:11:15,799 Aw, man... 305 00:11:15,842 --> 00:11:17,051 Pregnant. 306 00:11:17,343 --> 00:11:18,343 Now get out of here! 307 00:11:18,386 --> 00:11:19,405 And hold hands like best friends 308 00:11:19,429 --> 00:11:23,850 on the way out. 309 00:11:24,142 --> 00:11:25,143 Oh, that is like magic. 310 00:11:25,435 --> 00:11:26,875 - People are nice to pregnant ladies. 311 00:11:26,936 --> 00:11:29,105 I'm gonna run downstairs. Do you want anything? 312 00:11:29,397 --> 00:11:30,624 Remember, you're eating for two. 313 00:11:30,648 --> 00:11:32,192 - Well, I guess two egg sandwiches... 314 00:11:32,483 --> 00:11:34,027 Times two is four. 315 00:11:37,572 --> 00:11:39,574 - Good morning! 316 00:11:39,866 --> 00:11:42,243 So how did co-worker pitch day go, Jack? 317 00:11:42,535 --> 00:11:44,204 - Well, employee pitch day was, 318 00:11:44,495 --> 00:11:45,914 of course, a new experience for me. 319 00:11:46,206 --> 00:11:47,707 - Oh, speaking of new experiences, 320 00:11:47,999 --> 00:11:50,001 I ate at an Indian restaurant last night. 321 00:11:50,293 --> 00:11:51,377 I had naan. 322 00:11:51,669 --> 00:11:53,838 - Sir... I mean, Hank, 323 00:11:54,130 --> 00:11:55,524 I appreciate that you have your way of doing things, 324 00:11:55,548 --> 00:11:56,548 but so do I. 325 00:11:56,758 --> 00:11:59,177 I am a Six Sigma black belt ultra, 326 00:11:59,469 --> 00:12:00,970 with the groin branding to prove it. 327 00:12:01,262 --> 00:12:02,764 - What's Six Sigma? Rock band? 328 00:12:03,056 --> 00:12:04,074 - I'd like to start this meeting 329 00:12:04,098 --> 00:12:06,476 by sharing one of my own ideas. 330 00:12:06,768 --> 00:12:08,368 And after you hear it, maybe we can agree 331 00:12:08,645 --> 00:12:10,772 that employee pitch day is time that could be 332 00:12:11,064 --> 00:12:13,608 better spent drinking and looking out the window. 333 00:12:13,900 --> 00:12:14,900 - Okay, Jack! 334 00:12:15,068 --> 00:12:16,861 You're putting it on the line. 335 00:12:17,153 --> 00:12:18,238 What have you got? 336 00:12:18,529 --> 00:12:20,729 - Hank, what's the one part of the television experience 337 00:12:20,865 --> 00:12:21,865 that's not perfect? 338 00:12:21,908 --> 00:12:23,910 To me, it's the remote control. 339 00:12:24,202 --> 00:12:24,911 Too easy to lose, right? 340 00:12:25,203 --> 00:12:27,580 - Yes! I lose my remote all the time. 341 00:12:27,872 --> 00:12:30,333 Grr, couch cushions! 342 00:12:30,625 --> 00:12:32,228 - What if you didn't need a remote control 343 00:12:32,252 --> 00:12:34,879 because your remote control was your own voice? 344 00:12:35,171 --> 00:12:38,925 Television on. Channel, NBC. 345 00:12:39,217 --> 00:12:41,386 - A crew out of the Bronx called the ace of deuces. 346 00:12:41,678 --> 00:12:42,720 - Amazing. 347 00:12:43,012 --> 00:12:45,640 - I give you voice activation. 348 00:12:45,932 --> 00:12:48,142 - Word from my C.I. is he got offed by... 349 00:12:48,434 --> 00:12:50,103 - that shouldn't happen. TV on! 350 00:12:50,395 --> 00:12:53,231 Voice activation, or "vo-act..." 351 00:12:53,523 --> 00:12:55,525 - The only wit we have is some mute kid... 352 00:12:55,817 --> 00:12:58,111 UN-mute! - My friends at the D.E.A. say 353 00:12:58,403 --> 00:13:00,822 these guys have a high volume of cocaine... 354 00:13:01,114 --> 00:13:02,365 - Low volume. Low volume! 355 00:13:02,657 --> 00:13:04,617 - First I want to go home and delete everything 356 00:13:04,909 --> 00:13:06,577 that's on my DVR. - Oh, come on! 357 00:13:06,869 --> 00:13:08,246 TV mute! 358 00:13:08,538 --> 00:13:11,249 - Jack, it doesn't seem to work. 359 00:13:11,541 --> 00:13:12,959 You got any other notions, 360 00:13:13,251 --> 00:13:14,651 or should we jump to employee ideas? 361 00:13:14,836 --> 00:13:17,130 - No, no. No. I have another idea. 362 00:13:17,422 --> 00:13:21,634 What if, uh... What if... 363 00:13:21,926 --> 00:13:24,637 You had a black bar at the bottom of the screen 364 00:13:24,929 --> 00:13:26,729 that prevented you from seeing anything dirty? 365 00:13:26,848 --> 00:13:28,391 - I like that. 366 00:13:28,683 --> 00:13:29,392 I like that a lot. 367 00:13:29,684 --> 00:13:32,395 It would allow parents to eliminate racy content, 368 00:13:32,687 --> 00:13:34,605 like soccer, or a woman stuffing a Turkey. 369 00:13:34,897 --> 00:13:37,275 That's a real family company kind of idea, Jack. 370 00:13:37,567 --> 00:13:39,736 And we could sell ads in the black bar... 371 00:13:40,028 --> 00:13:41,188 Increase our revenue streams! 372 00:13:41,279 --> 00:13:42,947 - You could call it "blabar." 373 00:13:43,239 --> 00:13:44,866 - A-plus work, Jack! 374 00:13:45,158 --> 00:13:46,659 I don't need to hear anything else. 375 00:13:46,951 --> 00:13:49,271 If that's the kind of ideas you're bringing... nine, ten... 376 00:13:49,454 --> 00:13:54,292 You will go far, son. Yeah! 377 00:13:56,627 --> 00:13:59,630 - Crap. 378 00:13:59,922 --> 00:14:02,216 Kenneth, we need to talk. 379 00:14:02,508 --> 00:14:04,802 Earlier today, I told Hank Hooper 380 00:14:05,094 --> 00:14:08,306 about your black bar concept, and he loved it. 381 00:14:08,598 --> 00:14:11,100 However, I presented it as my own idea. 382 00:14:11,392 --> 00:14:13,102 - Wonderful! Next topic. 383 00:14:13,394 --> 00:14:15,021 - What? Uh, no. 384 00:14:15,313 --> 00:14:17,065 This is an opportunity for you. 385 00:14:17,357 --> 00:14:19,776 You have me over a barrel. What are you going to do? 386 00:14:20,068 --> 00:14:21,152 - Not what my uncle does 387 00:14:21,444 --> 00:14:23,505 when he gets a hitchhiker over a barrel, I'll tell you that. 388 00:14:23,529 --> 00:14:25,031 - This is business, Kenneth. 389 00:14:25,323 --> 00:14:27,158 All bosses steal from their employees. 390 00:14:27,450 --> 00:14:29,952 But in return, the employee gets something. 391 00:14:30,244 --> 00:14:32,288 - You didn't steal anything from me, sir. 392 00:14:32,580 --> 00:14:33,623 Last time I checked, 393 00:14:33,915 --> 00:14:36,250 best friends can't steal from each other. 394 00:14:36,542 --> 00:14:38,961 Now, stop being a silly Simon. 395 00:14:41,255 --> 00:14:43,841 - This isn't how it works! 396 00:14:44,133 --> 00:14:46,844 You're the one being a silly Simon! 397 00:14:48,596 --> 00:14:50,681 - Carmen, what are you doing here? 398 00:14:50,973 --> 00:14:52,951 - Well, you didn't call back to schedule our interview, 399 00:14:52,975 --> 00:14:54,119 so I thought I'd just ambush you 400 00:14:54,143 --> 00:14:55,343 with some pregnancy questions. 401 00:14:55,395 --> 00:14:57,021 I hope you're not unprepared. 402 00:14:57,313 --> 00:14:59,440 - Of course not. 403 00:14:59,732 --> 00:15:01,627 - When are you due? - April 20th, Hitler's birthday. 404 00:15:01,651 --> 00:15:02,971 - What's your pediatrician's name? 405 00:15:03,152 --> 00:15:05,029 - Dr. Rufus T. Barleysheath. 406 00:15:05,321 --> 00:15:07,007 - Where was the baby conceived? - In my vagina. 407 00:15:07,031 --> 00:15:07,740 - What names are you considering? 408 00:15:08,032 --> 00:15:09,872 - Rufus T. Barleysheath. - How are you feeling? 409 00:15:10,159 --> 00:15:11,439 - Oh, a little achy and nauseous, 410 00:15:11,494 --> 00:15:12,120 but I'm hanging in there. - Are you pregnant? 411 00:15:12,412 --> 00:15:16,165 - No... way that I'm not. 412 00:15:16,457 --> 00:15:17,959 - Owen, screw. 413 00:15:20,128 --> 00:15:21,928 I don't know why you're doing this for Jessup. 414 00:15:22,004 --> 00:15:23,482 She's a blonde. Don't you know there's a war going on? 415 00:15:23,506 --> 00:15:26,008 Or are you doing it for her old man husband? 416 00:15:26,300 --> 00:15:26,926 He's your boss. 417 00:15:27,218 --> 00:15:29,303 - First of all, Jack means nothing to me. 418 00:15:29,595 --> 00:15:31,515 Shoot him in the throat and let the dogs eat him. 419 00:15:31,556 --> 00:15:32,556 I don't care. 420 00:15:32,598 --> 00:15:33,307 - What's wrong with you? 421 00:15:33,599 --> 00:15:34,809 - Almost everything. 422 00:15:35,101 --> 00:15:36,203 But let's get back to the interview. 423 00:15:36,227 --> 00:15:37,467 - We're done with that portion. 424 00:15:37,603 --> 00:15:39,272 I thought it would be a fun visual 425 00:15:39,564 --> 00:15:41,941 if we got some b-roll of you taking sexy pregnancy photos 426 00:15:42,233 --> 00:15:43,313 where you bare your stomach 427 00:15:43,526 --> 00:15:45,194 like the pregnant bitch that you are. 428 00:15:45,486 --> 00:15:46,779 What do you say? 429 00:15:49,490 --> 00:15:51,993 - Let's take some pictures. 430 00:15:56,247 --> 00:15:59,876 - An innovation that is both family and bottom-line friendly. 431 00:16:00,168 --> 00:16:03,963 Gentlemen, I give you blabar. 432 00:16:04,255 --> 00:16:05,923 - You're really sexing me right now. 433 00:16:06,215 --> 00:16:07,758 - It's filthy. 434 00:16:10,678 --> 00:16:11,762 - Jack! Jack! 435 00:16:12,054 --> 00:16:14,891 All: Jack! Jack! Jack... 436 00:16:30,490 --> 00:16:31,657 - One time, I saw a turtle... 437 00:16:31,949 --> 00:16:35,912 - who the hell do you think you are? 438 00:16:36,204 --> 00:16:37,964 This is not the way the world works, Kenneth. 439 00:16:38,164 --> 00:16:39,248 Bosses steal, 440 00:16:39,540 --> 00:16:41,292 and employees use it for leverage. 441 00:16:41,584 --> 00:16:43,878 So what do you want? Money? A promotion? 442 00:16:44,170 --> 00:16:44,795 I can get you into a restaurant 443 00:16:45,087 --> 00:16:46,756 where you watch a child play with a bunny, 444 00:16:47,048 --> 00:16:47,632 then you eat the bunny. 445 00:16:47,924 --> 00:16:48,966 - Isn't that just easter? 446 00:16:49,258 --> 00:16:51,469 And I don't want anything, sir. 447 00:16:51,761 --> 00:16:53,471 I'm just happy to spend all day here 448 00:16:53,763 --> 00:16:54,763 helping my work family. 449 00:16:54,972 --> 00:16:57,099 - Family. I now work for a man 450 00:16:57,391 --> 00:16:58,476 who thinks like you. 451 00:16:58,768 --> 00:17:00,811 - Does he also solve mazes by starting from the end? 452 00:17:01,103 --> 00:17:03,189 - I need this, Kenneth. I used you, now leverage it. 453 00:17:03,481 --> 00:17:05,107 Blackmail me. Demand to sleep with Avery. 454 00:17:05,399 --> 00:17:06,609 Hit me. Hit me in the face! 455 00:17:06,901 --> 00:17:09,278 - No, sir. Best friends don't... 456 00:17:09,570 --> 00:17:10,905 - I am ordering you to strike me. 457 00:17:11,197 --> 00:17:12,257 There will be no retaliation, 458 00:17:12,281 --> 00:17:13,561 but if you refuse, you're fired. 459 00:17:13,741 --> 00:17:15,326 - No. I don't even know how. 460 00:17:15,618 --> 00:17:17,036 - Do it! Hit me now! 461 00:17:21,832 --> 00:17:26,712 Oh, damn my Krav Maga training and lightning reflexes! 462 00:17:29,173 --> 00:17:31,384 Release me, you hillbilly circe! 463 00:17:31,676 --> 00:17:33,010 - I am life. 464 00:17:33,302 --> 00:17:35,263 Revel in the glory of motherhood! 465 00:17:35,555 --> 00:17:37,765 Gaia flows through me. 466 00:17:38,057 --> 00:17:40,184 Rufus T. Barleysheath is kicking. 467 00:17:40,476 --> 00:17:42,895 - I knowyou're not pregnant. 468 00:17:43,187 --> 00:17:45,106 Why don't you just admit it? 469 00:17:45,398 --> 00:17:46,398 She's grabbing oil. 470 00:17:46,607 --> 00:17:48,776 Owen... run! 471 00:17:49,068 --> 00:17:51,612 - Look how my belly glistens! 472 00:17:54,657 --> 00:17:56,325 - What's going on, Jack? 473 00:17:56,617 --> 00:17:58,369 I was just about to hop on my bus 474 00:17:58,661 --> 00:17:59,661 back to Philadelphia. 475 00:17:59,787 --> 00:18:01,067 I don't fly, but I got my own bus 476 00:18:01,205 --> 00:18:02,205 with a pool table in it. 477 00:18:02,331 --> 00:18:04,417 We'll drive to Branson together sometime, 478 00:18:04,709 --> 00:18:06,168 take in a Yakov Smirnoff show. 479 00:18:06,460 --> 00:18:08,296 Doesn't Russia sound like a crazy place? 480 00:18:08,588 --> 00:18:09,255 - Yes, sir. 481 00:18:09,547 --> 00:18:12,258 But before you go, I want you to meet someone. 482 00:18:12,550 --> 00:18:15,177 This is Kenneth Parcell, one of our pages. 483 00:18:15,469 --> 00:18:16,655 - Oh, I didn't notice you there, son. 484 00:18:16,679 --> 00:18:18,097 You do not have a lot of charisma. 485 00:18:18,389 --> 00:18:19,890 - Kenneth is the one who came up with 486 00:18:20,182 --> 00:18:22,435 the blabar idea, not me. 487 00:18:22,727 --> 00:18:25,146 I'm sorry I misled you. - Oh. 488 00:18:25,438 --> 00:18:28,274 Well, Jack, I have to say I'm surprised. 489 00:18:28,566 --> 00:18:30,401 - Here is my letter of resignation. 490 00:18:30,693 --> 00:18:32,236 It's probably for the best 491 00:18:32,528 --> 00:18:34,363 since this is obviously not a good fit. 492 00:18:34,655 --> 00:18:36,365 If you call security to escort me out, 493 00:18:36,657 --> 00:18:38,159 you should know I have several pistols 494 00:18:38,451 --> 00:18:39,451 hidden on me. 495 00:18:39,660 --> 00:18:42,038 - Hold on, Jack. No one's quitting. 496 00:18:42,330 --> 00:18:43,789 I'm impressed you told me that. 497 00:18:44,081 --> 00:18:46,959 You have a reputation, Jack, as a shark. 498 00:18:47,251 --> 00:18:50,046 Kabletown, we're not sharks. We're more like... 499 00:18:50,338 --> 00:18:52,423 Whatever the friendliest fish is. 500 00:18:52,715 --> 00:18:54,842 I'm not a science guy. The point is, 501 00:18:55,134 --> 00:18:56,927 I wasn't sure how you were gonna fit in, 502 00:18:57,219 --> 00:18:58,971 but you doing something like this 503 00:18:59,263 --> 00:19:01,057 tells me we're gonna be just fine. 504 00:19:01,349 --> 00:19:04,435 - Very well. Good. 505 00:19:04,727 --> 00:19:06,079 - And Jack should give you something 506 00:19:06,103 --> 00:19:08,481 for that idea, son. - Finally. Thank you. 507 00:19:08,773 --> 00:19:11,776 Quid pro quo. - But I don't want anything. 508 00:19:12,068 --> 00:19:13,986 - No? How about a hug? 509 00:19:15,571 --> 00:19:17,907 - You've gotta be kidding me. 510 00:19:19,367 --> 00:19:21,243 - Heh... - Sir... 511 00:19:21,535 --> 00:19:22,535 It doesn't count as a hug 512 00:19:22,662 --> 00:19:24,163 unless it goes on for ten seconds. 513 00:19:24,455 --> 00:19:25,539 - You got that right, son. 514 00:19:25,831 --> 00:19:30,920 - One... mississippi... 515 00:19:31,212 --> 00:19:33,089 - That's some good hugging. 516 00:19:33,381 --> 00:19:35,257 - And as excited as I am to be joining the team 517 00:19:35,549 --> 00:19:36,549 on nightly news, 518 00:19:36,634 --> 00:19:39,011 I will miss my dear friends here on basic cable. 519 00:19:39,303 --> 00:19:41,889 But, Carmen, you have an exciting new assignment, right? 520 00:19:42,181 --> 00:19:44,600 - Yes. I will be covering hurricanes... 521 00:19:44,892 --> 00:19:47,561 - Thank you, Lemon. I owe you. 522 00:19:47,853 --> 00:19:49,173 - If you want to make it up to me, 523 00:19:49,397 --> 00:19:51,023 I have my eye on a toilet pillow 524 00:19:51,315 --> 00:19:53,025 from a certain medical supply store. 525 00:19:53,317 --> 00:19:54,419 - Avery and I want the baby's middle name 526 00:19:54,443 --> 00:19:57,113 to be Elizabeth, after you. 527 00:19:57,405 --> 00:20:00,241 - Oh, Jack, that's so gayballs. 528 00:20:01,784 --> 00:20:04,870 - Hey, Liz. Can we get you anything? 529 00:20:05,162 --> 00:20:07,456 - Do you need some liniment rubbed on your perineum? 530 00:20:07,748 --> 00:20:09,625 - No, guys, I'm not really pregnant. 531 00:20:09,917 --> 00:20:11,377 I was just pretending to help Jack. 532 00:20:11,669 --> 00:20:13,462 - Why would you pretend to help Jack? 533 00:20:13,754 --> 00:20:14,463 Help him for real. 534 00:20:14,755 --> 00:20:16,257 It takes the same amount of time. 535 00:20:16,549 --> 00:20:19,468 - No, Tracy, she lied to us. 536 00:20:19,760 --> 00:20:20,386 And she ordered us around 537 00:20:20,678 --> 00:20:22,513 like we were a couple of normals. 538 00:20:22,805 --> 00:20:25,808 - You will be punished. Can I have my nunchucks back? 539 00:20:26,100 --> 00:20:28,394 - Or we could call it even. 540 00:20:29,854 --> 00:20:31,439 - Good god! 541 00:20:31,731 --> 00:20:35,985 - I have been punished. These are yours to keep. 542 00:20:39,155 --> 00:20:41,699 - What? Who's the black guy? 543 00:20:41,991 --> 00:20:43,659 - A bicycle messenger. 544 00:20:46,454 --> 00:20:48,497 - You took your pants off. 545 00:20:49,457 --> 00:20:50,124 - What if there was a channel that's just the sounds 546 00:20:50,416 --> 00:20:50,833 of people having a party so you could put it on 547 00:20:51,125 --> 00:20:53,002 when you call your parents? 548 00:20:53,294 --> 00:20:56,756 - You know what my TV is? A sunset. 549 00:20:57,047 --> 00:20:59,008 - How about a button you push on your remote, 550 00:20:59,300 --> 00:21:03,053 and you can buy anything you see on TV? 551 00:21:03,345 --> 00:21:04,656 Like if you're watching sex and the city, 552 00:21:04,680 --> 00:21:07,141 and you just have to have Mr. Big's spaghetti. 553 00:21:07,433 --> 00:21:11,562 - What if we executed someone live on TV? 554 00:21:11,854 --> 00:21:13,981 - And then I pull off my mask, 555 00:21:14,273 --> 00:21:17,026 and I'm a lizard person too. 556 00:21:17,318 --> 00:21:19,737 Blackout. End of episode.