1
00:00:02,461 --> 00:00:04,379
- Hey, what was that sound?
2
00:00:04,671 --> 00:00:06,089
It was opportunity knocking.
3
00:00:06,381 --> 00:00:08,467
- No one knocked.
You just barged in.
4
00:00:08,759 --> 00:00:10,344
- Knock knock.
- You were right, Donald.
5
00:00:10,636 --> 00:00:12,471
It makes more sense
for you to enter first.
6
00:00:12,763 --> 00:00:14,431
- It's okay, daddy.
We'll just start over.
7
00:00:14,723 --> 00:00:16,642
- Uh, you know, why
don't we just dive in
8
00:00:16,934 --> 00:00:18,310
to whatever this is?
9
00:00:18,602 --> 00:00:20,103
- Okay, you remember Donald,
10
00:00:20,395 --> 00:00:22,105
my son who's two
years older than me.
11
00:00:22,397 --> 00:00:23,774
- Ah, yes, please.
12
00:00:24,066 --> 00:00:27,361
As I recall, you own
the Tracy Jordan institute
13
00:00:27,653 --> 00:00:28,653
for black karate.
14
00:00:28,820 --> 00:00:29,923
- You wouldn't believe this,
15
00:00:29,947 --> 00:00:31,156
but that business failed.
16
00:00:31,448 --> 00:00:32,449
I blame Obama.
17
00:00:32,741 --> 00:00:33,951
But the good news is,
18
00:00:34,243 --> 00:00:35,536
Donald has a brand-new venture.
19
00:00:35,827 --> 00:00:36,995
Sell him, son.
20
00:00:37,287 --> 00:00:39,915
- It's a theme restaurant
in Times Square.
21
00:00:40,207 --> 00:00:42,376
- Well, the theme restaurant
business model does work.
22
00:00:42,668 --> 00:00:45,254
Nascar's fat load
cafe is a gold mine.
23
00:00:45,546 --> 00:00:46,826
- Well, we got a
bunch of capital
24
00:00:46,880 --> 00:00:48,257
from Brown and Folderson.
25
00:00:48,549 --> 00:00:50,759
And we wanted to get
you a seat on this rocket
26
00:00:51,051 --> 00:00:52,553
before it takes off.
27
00:00:52,844 --> 00:00:55,430
- So it's decided. Jack's
on board as an investor.
28
00:00:55,722 --> 00:00:56,974
- Ah, not so fast.
29
00:00:57,266 --> 00:01:00,352
- So... it's... decid...
30
00:01:00,644 --> 00:01:03,105
- uh, let's just
bottom-line this thing.
31
00:01:03,397 --> 00:01:04,997
I never invest without
doing my research.
32
00:01:05,190 --> 00:01:07,693
I'll do a site visit
tonight and kick the tires.
33
00:01:07,985 --> 00:01:10,404
- All right, but if some
other investor comes along,
34
00:01:10,696 --> 00:01:12,739
it's your loss.
35
00:01:13,031 --> 00:01:15,200
- A Mexican billionaire's
calling me right now.
36
00:01:15,492 --> 00:01:16,535
Excuse me.
37
00:01:16,827 --> 00:01:20,205
Senior Mexico, uh, si
si. Yo soy Donald, si.
38
00:01:20,497 --> 00:01:23,250
Andale'andale? Arriba arriba?
39
00:01:23,542 --> 00:01:25,127
- What is senior Mexico saying?
40
00:01:25,419 --> 00:01:27,170
Stop keeping me out of the loop!
41
00:01:30,424 --> 00:01:38,265
♪ ♪
42
00:01:46,523 --> 00:01:48,108
- Hey, Jenna, I
need to go over...
43
00:01:48,400 --> 00:01:49,985
Gah!
44
00:01:50,277 --> 00:01:52,654
Snuh!
- What is it, Liz? We're busy.
45
00:01:52,946 --> 00:01:54,026
- Jenna and I are mirroring
46
00:01:54,072 --> 00:01:56,867
until we achieve
touchless orgasm.
47
00:01:57,159 --> 00:01:59,911
And... finished.
48
00:02:00,203 --> 00:02:02,039
- Agh.
- Well, I have to go to work.
49
00:02:02,331 --> 00:02:04,875
My new Manager is
making us wear nametags.
50
00:02:05,167 --> 00:02:05,542
I might as well be working
51
00:02:05,834 --> 00:02:07,544
at a roller-skating
drag queen restaurant
52
00:02:07,836 --> 00:02:08,837
under Taliban rule.
53
00:02:09,129 --> 00:02:10,129
- But after your shift,
54
00:02:10,213 --> 00:02:11,733
we still have our
special night, right?
55
00:02:11,965 --> 00:02:14,176
- You have no idea how special.
56
00:02:16,011 --> 00:02:18,388
- Ugh.
57
00:02:18,680 --> 00:02:22,225
- Oh. We're celebrating
our six-month anniversary
58
00:02:22,517 --> 00:02:25,062
and I think Paul is
going to pop the question.
59
00:02:25,354 --> 00:02:27,314
- Really? That's
a little fast, isn't it?
60
00:02:27,606 --> 00:02:29,608
- I will say yes when
Paul proposes...
61
00:02:29,900 --> 00:02:33,028
That we make a sex tape
and leak it on the Internet.
62
00:02:33,320 --> 00:02:35,238
- Oh, I thought you
meant marriage.
63
00:02:35,530 --> 00:02:38,408
- God, no. Marriage
is like death.
64
00:02:38,700 --> 00:02:41,203
You settle into a routine.
You lose all the spark.
65
00:02:41,495 --> 00:02:42,162
- I don't know.
66
00:02:42,454 --> 00:02:43,723
I always thought the whole point
67
00:02:43,747 --> 00:02:45,187
of being with
someone for a long time
68
00:02:45,374 --> 00:02:47,209
is to get to the
comfortable routine part.
69
00:02:47,501 --> 00:02:50,128
- No. Relationships
are like sharks, Liz.
70
00:02:50,420 --> 00:02:51,981
If you're not left with
several bite marks
71
00:02:52,005 --> 00:02:54,091
after intercourse, then
something's wrong.
72
00:02:54,383 --> 00:02:55,902
- Well, nothing's wrong
with me and Carol.
73
00:02:55,926 --> 00:02:57,111
I mean, we haven't
spoken in five days,
74
00:02:57,135 --> 00:02:59,554
but that doesn't mean anything
because we are not sharks.
75
00:02:59,846 --> 00:03:04,017
We are legless turtles
rotting on the beach.
76
00:03:05,686 --> 00:03:10,148
Jack, what makes a guy get
bored in a dating situation?
77
00:03:10,440 --> 00:03:11,459
- That's an excellent question.
78
00:03:11,483 --> 00:03:13,068
The answer is
questions like that.
79
00:03:13,360 --> 00:03:15,278
- Look, this long
distance is hard.
80
00:03:15,570 --> 00:03:16,673
And now Carol
and I haven't talked
81
00:03:16,697 --> 00:03:17,781
in, like, five days
82
00:03:18,073 --> 00:03:20,742
and my other stuff
is still unresolved.
83
00:03:21,034 --> 00:03:23,829
- I get it, Lemon. You
need to see a therapist.
84
00:03:24,121 --> 00:03:26,289
Someone you can
dump your problems on
85
00:03:26,581 --> 00:03:29,501
and then get on
with your, uh, "life."
86
00:03:29,793 --> 00:03:32,087
- Ugh. I'm trying. I just
can't find someone I like.
87
00:03:32,379 --> 00:03:34,256
I mean, have you
ever been to a shrink?
88
00:03:34,548 --> 00:03:35,858
- No. I believe that
when you have a problem,
89
00:03:35,882 --> 00:03:37,202
you talk it over
with your priest,
90
00:03:37,300 --> 00:03:39,010
or your tailor, or the
mute elevator Porter
91
00:03:39,302 --> 00:03:40,387
at your men's club.
92
00:03:40,679 --> 00:03:42,514
Then you take that
problem and crush it
93
00:03:42,806 --> 00:03:43,806
with your mind vice.
94
00:03:44,015 --> 00:03:46,435
But for lesser beings
like curly-haired men
95
00:03:46,727 --> 00:03:47,847
and people who need glasses,
96
00:03:48,019 --> 00:03:48,729
therapy can help.
97
00:03:49,020 --> 00:03:51,523
And, Lemon, I want
you to get better
98
00:03:51,815 --> 00:03:53,734
because... and I mean this...
99
00:03:54,025 --> 00:03:55,694
I'm tired of talking
this much to a woman
100
00:03:55,986 --> 00:03:58,697
I'm not having sex with.
101
00:04:00,949 --> 00:04:04,536
- Hey, Jack. Welcome to staples.
102
00:04:04,828 --> 00:04:06,538
- Why did you choose that name?
103
00:04:06,830 --> 00:04:09,416
- Because staples
means "the basics."
104
00:04:09,708 --> 00:04:11,108
And that's what
you're getting here.
105
00:04:11,334 --> 00:04:15,213
Food, drinks, fun.
Staples. Yeah, we got that.
106
00:04:15,505 --> 00:04:18,508
- Staples is also a
giant office supply chain.
107
00:04:18,800 --> 00:04:21,636
- Well, we'll see who's still in
business 200 years from now.
108
00:04:21,928 --> 00:04:22,345
Come on.
109
00:04:22,637 --> 00:04:25,640
- Donald, I'm going to
pick a problem at random.
110
00:04:25,932 --> 00:04:28,727
Is the theme of your
restaurant "not enough tables"?
111
00:04:29,019 --> 00:04:30,299
- No. We just need a lot of room
112
00:04:30,479 --> 00:04:31,688
for the monster fight.
113
00:04:31,980 --> 00:04:32,980
- Excuse me?
114
00:04:33,023 --> 00:04:33,732
- Jack, are you familiar
115
00:04:34,024 --> 00:04:36,818
with the megarestaurant
medieval times?
116
00:04:37,110 --> 00:04:39,571
Well, I took that model
and replaced the knights
117
00:04:39,863 --> 00:04:43,408
with unlicensed versions
of Japanese monsters.
118
00:04:43,700 --> 00:04:45,744
Ladies and gentlemen,
119
00:04:46,036 --> 00:04:49,331
there's been an underwater
nuclear explosion.
120
00:04:49,623 --> 00:04:51,124
A beast has been awakened.
121
00:04:51,416 --> 00:04:54,294
It approaches with
fearsome steps.
122
00:04:54,586 --> 00:04:56,797
Boom boom boom.
123
00:04:57,088 --> 00:05:00,884
Are we paying the price
for our hubris of science?
124
00:05:01,176 --> 00:05:05,472
Witness the primeval might
that is godzila with one "I"
125
00:05:05,764 --> 00:05:09,392
for trademark reasons.
126
00:05:09,684 --> 00:05:12,229
Oh, no one is safe!
127
00:05:12,521 --> 00:05:14,731
Who all is going to protect us?
128
00:05:15,023 --> 00:05:16,650
It's mechagodzila.
129
00:05:16,942 --> 00:05:19,444
Boom boom boom.
130
00:05:19,736 --> 00:05:24,616
Thank you for choosing staples.
131
00:05:24,908 --> 00:05:28,453
- Ah! Donald, George
punched my crotch.
132
00:05:28,745 --> 00:05:31,248
- You liked it.
133
00:05:31,540 --> 00:05:32,666
- Oh, my god.
134
00:05:35,710 --> 00:05:36,378
Captain Burnett
135
00:05:36,670 --> 00:05:38,088
called earlier, miss Lemon.
136
00:05:38,380 --> 00:05:39,440
- Finally. Not that it matters.
137
00:05:39,464 --> 00:05:40,549
We're turtles.
138
00:05:40,841 --> 00:05:42,401
- He said he doesn't
have cell phone service
139
00:05:42,425 --> 00:05:44,803
'cause he's on layover
in Daytona beach.
140
00:05:45,095 --> 00:05:47,430
But don't worry, he's fine
and having a great time
141
00:05:47,722 --> 00:05:48,722
with his flight crew.
142
00:05:48,765 --> 00:05:52,435
Uh, Stewart, Brenda,
Amber, crystal.
143
00:05:52,727 --> 00:05:54,447
Also in the background,
I heard lady giggles
144
00:05:54,729 --> 00:05:58,024
and the sound of
a beautiful sunset.
145
00:05:58,316 --> 00:06:00,735
- See, this is why I need
to find someone to talk to.
146
00:06:01,027 --> 00:06:04,072
- Talk to about what?
- Men. Trust.
147
00:06:04,364 --> 00:06:05,842
I mean, I just feel
like sometimes men
148
00:06:05,866 --> 00:06:07,617
aren't totally honest with me.
149
00:06:07,909 --> 00:06:11,288
- Hmm. Go on.
150
00:06:11,580 --> 00:06:12,581
- Well, for starters,
151
00:06:12,873 --> 00:06:14,273
everyone I ever
dated in high school
152
00:06:14,332 --> 00:06:15,500
turned out to be either gay
153
00:06:15,792 --> 00:06:16,501
or a girl dressed as a guy
154
00:06:16,793 --> 00:06:18,503
to get a journalism scholarship.
155
00:06:18,795 --> 00:06:21,047
My own dad tried to
secretly cheat on my mom.
156
00:06:21,339 --> 00:06:23,508
And I thought their
marriage was perfect.
157
00:06:23,800 --> 00:06:26,761
Then, of course,
there's Santa claus.
158
00:06:27,053 --> 00:06:28,638
- Okay. Talk about that.
159
00:06:28,930 --> 00:06:29,639
- When I was seven,
160
00:06:29,931 --> 00:06:31,474
I asked for a cb
radio for Christmas
161
00:06:31,766 --> 00:06:33,685
so I could track gas
prices around the state
162
00:06:33,977 --> 00:06:35,353
for a cool chart
that I was making.
163
00:06:35,645 --> 00:06:37,272
- We'll get back to that later.
164
00:06:37,564 --> 00:06:38,106
- When I didn't get it,
165
00:06:38,398 --> 00:06:39,858
my dad blamed Santa claus.
166
00:06:40,150 --> 00:06:43,445
Well, Santa made
an enemy that day.
167
00:06:43,737 --> 00:06:44,881
And the next year
when he returned
168
00:06:44,905 --> 00:06:48,074
to the schuylkill galleria,
so did vengeance.
169
00:06:48,366 --> 00:06:52,203
- Ho ho ho. What can
Santa bring you this year?
170
00:06:52,495 --> 00:06:53,622
- What does it matter?
171
00:06:53,914 --> 00:06:55,754
You didn't bring me
what I asked for last year,
172
00:06:55,790 --> 00:06:57,667
you fat fraud.
173
00:06:57,959 --> 00:07:00,199
You're a bigger disappointment
than our current president
174
00:07:00,420 --> 00:07:01,463
Jimmy Carter.
175
00:07:01,755 --> 00:07:03,173
- I am a fraud, little boy.
176
00:07:04,215 --> 00:07:05,775
My wife still thinks
I work at the bank.
177
00:07:05,884 --> 00:07:07,552
- I guess Santa
claus was the first man
178
00:07:07,844 --> 00:07:09,387
to ever betray me.
179
00:07:09,679 --> 00:07:11,598
- That must've been difficult.
180
00:07:11,890 --> 00:07:14,225
- It was.
181
00:07:14,517 --> 00:07:17,020
But it feels good
to talk about it.
182
00:07:17,312 --> 00:07:18,312
Thanks.
183
00:07:18,521 --> 00:07:19,105
- Miss Lemon,
184
00:07:19,397 --> 00:07:20,541
there's a reason
god gave us two ears
185
00:07:20,565 --> 00:07:21,942
and only one mouth.
186
00:07:22,233 --> 00:07:25,612
Listening is twice as
important as talking.
187
00:07:25,904 --> 00:07:28,281
But he gave us ten fingers.
188
00:07:28,573 --> 00:07:31,701
He must really want
us to poke things.
189
00:07:32,702 --> 00:07:35,288
- Oh.
- Poke poke poke poke.
190
00:07:41,628 --> 00:07:44,631
- Oh. It's the vacant lot
191
00:07:44,923 --> 00:07:46,758
where we had
our first face kiss.
192
00:07:47,050 --> 00:07:48,426
- Who stole my canteen?
193
00:07:48,718 --> 00:07:52,263
- Jena, what we
have is so beautiful.
194
00:07:52,555 --> 00:07:55,433
People need to see how
happy we make each other.
195
00:07:55,725 --> 00:07:57,519
And I think we're
ready to take that step.
196
00:07:57,811 --> 00:08:00,939
So over Christmas, I
want you to come to Ohio
197
00:08:01,231 --> 00:08:02,273
and meet my parents.
198
00:08:02,565 --> 00:08:07,278
- What?
- Happy anniversary.
199
00:08:07,570 --> 00:08:10,490
- Hey, get a room!
Whatever that is.
200
00:08:13,493 --> 00:08:15,304
- Well, Tracy, I went to
the restaurant last night.
201
00:08:15,328 --> 00:08:16,621
That place is a disaster.
202
00:08:16,913 --> 00:08:18,665
- Damn it, you think
I don't know that?
203
00:08:18,957 --> 00:08:21,042
I've poured more cash
into Donald's restaurant
204
00:08:21,334 --> 00:08:23,211
than my money
pit in Connecticut.
205
00:08:23,503 --> 00:08:24,730
- You have a house
in Connecticut?
206
00:08:24,754 --> 00:08:27,090
- No, I do not.
207
00:08:27,382 --> 00:08:30,010
Jack, I need other
investors besides me.
208
00:08:30,301 --> 00:08:32,303
- What? You're the
only one bankrolling this?
209
00:08:32,595 --> 00:08:34,431
What about Brown and Folderson?
210
00:08:34,723 --> 00:08:35,223
- That's what I call my wallet.
211
00:08:35,515 --> 00:08:38,309
I've bankrolled every one
of Donald's dumb ideas.
212
00:08:38,601 --> 00:08:41,521
But what choice do I
have? I'm his father.
213
00:08:41,813 --> 00:08:42,999
- But you're doing him no favors
214
00:08:43,023 --> 00:08:46,234
as a business
partner or a father.
215
00:08:46,526 --> 00:08:48,319
You need to cut him off.
216
00:08:48,611 --> 00:08:51,156
- Come on. The boy's
only 43 years old.
217
00:08:51,448 --> 00:08:51,948
- Tracy, listen to me,
218
00:08:52,240 --> 00:08:54,325
not everyone is cut out
to be a businessman.
219
00:08:54,617 --> 00:08:57,662
For example, curly-haired men
and people who need glasses.
220
00:08:57,954 --> 00:08:59,330
- But I can't crush his dreams.
221
00:08:59,622 --> 00:09:01,222
- You're not. You're
just letting him fly
222
00:09:01,291 --> 00:09:02,625
with his own wings.
223
00:09:02,917 --> 00:09:03,334
- I bankrolled that too.
224
00:09:03,626 --> 00:09:08,173
Thank god we tested
it with a monkey first.
225
00:09:08,465 --> 00:09:10,091
- Oh, miss Lemon,
I'm signing people up
226
00:09:10,383 --> 00:09:11,676
for the TGS softball team.
227
00:09:11,968 --> 00:09:13,261
So far I have eight nos
228
00:09:13,553 --> 00:09:15,638
and 25 shove it
up your goon-holes.
229
00:09:15,930 --> 00:09:18,266
- Shove it up your goon-hole.
- Okay.
230
00:09:18,558 --> 00:09:20,453
- You know, ever since we
had our little talk yesterday,
231
00:09:20,477 --> 00:09:22,437
I've been doing some thinking.
232
00:09:22,729 --> 00:09:23,729
- Oh, good.
233
00:09:23,897 --> 00:09:24,522
If I remember correctly,
234
00:09:24,814 --> 00:09:27,358
we were discussing
men and trust.
235
00:09:27,650 --> 00:09:30,653
- Yeah. And it got me
thinking about my aunt Linda.
236
00:09:30,945 --> 00:09:33,281
- What was she like?
- Great until she got divorced.
237
00:09:33,573 --> 00:09:34,759
My uncle Harry
was cheating on her.
238
00:09:34,783 --> 00:09:37,368
- Another male
betrayal. Go with that.
239
00:09:37,660 --> 00:09:39,579
- My parents used to make
me go to Linda's house
240
00:09:39,871 --> 00:09:41,623
just so she'd have company.
241
00:09:41,915 --> 00:09:43,041
I hated those visits.
242
00:09:43,333 --> 00:09:45,210
- Your uncle never
liked my cooking.
243
00:09:45,502 --> 00:09:47,212
But you do, right, Elizabeth?
244
00:09:47,504 --> 00:09:49,464
You love your aunt Linda.
245
00:09:49,756 --> 00:09:51,382
Here's a fun game:
246
00:09:51,674 --> 00:09:52,674
Put on Harry's Cologne
247
00:09:52,842 --> 00:09:54,677
and give me a
backrub in the bath.
248
00:09:59,891 --> 00:10:02,685
- To this day, whenever I hear
someone's getting divorced,
249
00:10:02,977 --> 00:10:06,397
I can still taste
that egg and I...
250
00:10:06,689 --> 00:10:07,398
Oh, my god.
251
00:10:07,690 --> 00:10:09,010
My trust issues
and my food issues
252
00:10:09,275 --> 00:10:10,610
are connected.
253
00:10:10,902 --> 00:10:12,445
Uncle Harold is the reason
254
00:10:12,737 --> 00:10:13,071
eggs make me gag.
255
00:10:13,363 --> 00:10:15,490
Kenneth, you're
the perfect therapist.
256
00:10:15,782 --> 00:10:17,492
I can dump all of
my problems on you,
257
00:10:17,784 --> 00:10:20,203
walk away, and
move on with my life.
258
00:10:20,495 --> 00:10:26,000
It's a win-win.
259
00:10:26,292 --> 00:10:29,504
- Why did she have
to say "Harold"?
260
00:10:31,631 --> 00:10:33,967
- Liz.
261
00:10:34,259 --> 00:10:35,299
Last night was a disaster.
262
00:10:35,343 --> 00:10:35,885
And not the good kind
263
00:10:36,177 --> 00:10:37,512
where I get to
sing at a benefit.
264
00:10:37,804 --> 00:10:38,804
- What happened?
265
00:10:39,055 --> 00:10:40,282
- Paul's idea of
moving things forward
266
00:10:40,306 --> 00:10:41,933
is me meeting his parents.
267
00:10:42,225 --> 00:10:44,519
He said they live
in a "soo-borb."
268
00:10:44,811 --> 00:10:46,729
- Suburb. Come on, Jenna.
269
00:10:47,021 --> 00:10:48,666
It's not what you
wanted, but it's progress.
270
00:10:48,690 --> 00:10:50,108
- In the wrong direction.
271
00:10:50,400 --> 00:10:51,920
- I think I know
what's really going on
272
00:10:52,110 --> 00:10:53,194
between you and Paul.
273
00:10:53,486 --> 00:10:54,028
You're in love
274
00:10:54,320 --> 00:10:55,738
and it's terrifying to you.
275
00:10:56,030 --> 00:10:57,699
You're trying to sabotage it.
276
00:10:57,991 --> 00:10:59,159
- Sabotage?
277
00:10:59,450 --> 00:11:02,078
I'm the one trying to
make this relationship work.
278
00:11:02,370 --> 00:11:03,970
Which is why I'm
gonna have to be the one
279
00:11:04,122 --> 00:11:06,708
to propose the sex tape.
280
00:11:07,000 --> 00:11:07,500
Call me old-fashioned,
281
00:11:07,792 --> 00:11:10,044
but I think that's
the man's job.
282
00:11:10,336 --> 00:11:12,172
- Jack, I found a
therapist and I've made
283
00:11:12,463 --> 00:11:14,507
some big breakthroughs.
284
00:11:14,799 --> 00:11:15,943
I know you don't
know what this means,
285
00:11:15,967 --> 00:11:17,510
but I'm eating eggs again.
286
00:11:17,802 --> 00:11:19,762
- I know it means this
conversation is disgusting.
287
00:11:23,016 --> 00:11:25,143
- Okay, Donald is on his way up.
288
00:11:25,435 --> 00:11:26,675
I know cutting him off is hard,
289
00:11:26,936 --> 00:11:28,313
but it's your duty
as a parent...
290
00:11:29,314 --> 00:11:31,399
- Tracy, do not laugh
at the word "duty."
291
00:11:31,691 --> 00:11:35,028
- Be strong. Be rational.
- No emotion.
292
00:11:35,320 --> 00:11:38,114
- Unemotional. Got it.
- Daddy, what's going on?
293
00:11:38,406 --> 00:11:39,866
I just love you so much!
294
00:11:40,158 --> 00:11:41,743
- I love you too, daddy.
295
00:11:45,038 --> 00:11:45,747
- Okay, stop it.
296
00:11:46,039 --> 00:11:47,599
Donald, what Tracy
is trying to tell you
297
00:11:47,832 --> 00:11:48,499
is that you're an adult
298
00:11:48,791 --> 00:11:51,586
and he will no longer
support you financially.
299
00:11:51,878 --> 00:11:53,129
- Is that true, daddy?
300
00:11:53,421 --> 00:11:55,465
- For the love of god,
stop calling him "daddy."
301
00:11:55,757 --> 00:11:56,925
- It is true, little man.
302
00:11:57,217 --> 00:11:59,427
- But I need you to
be a big boy on this.
303
00:11:59,719 --> 00:12:01,471
You're just not meant
to be a businessman.
304
00:12:01,763 --> 00:12:04,057
- Fine. I'll be okay.
305
00:12:04,349 --> 00:12:05,516
I got other ideas.
306
00:12:05,808 --> 00:12:08,561
Like a microbrewery that
also serves frozen yogurt.
307
00:12:08,853 --> 00:12:11,940
I'm gonna call it "Microsoft."
308
00:12:16,653 --> 00:12:17,853
- I have this recurring dream.
309
00:12:17,987 --> 00:12:19,882
Actually, is it recurring
if you wake yourself up
310
00:12:19,906 --> 00:12:22,408
with a and then return to it?
311
00:12:22,700 --> 00:12:24,994
Anyway, in the
dream, I'm a baby.
312
00:12:30,625 --> 00:12:33,878
I think it has to do
with my issues with sex.
313
00:12:34,170 --> 00:12:37,507
- Lemon, what are you doing?
Is Kenneth your therapist?
314
00:12:37,799 --> 00:12:40,927
- Well, kind of.
- He can't handle that.
315
00:12:41,219 --> 00:12:43,388
Look at his head shape.
He has no brain pan!
316
00:12:43,680 --> 00:12:46,099
- It's fine,
Mr. Donaghy. I'm okay.
317
00:12:46,391 --> 00:12:49,018
And so am I. I'm Cheryl.
318
00:12:49,310 --> 00:12:53,773
- This is exactly why I told
you to see a professional.
319
00:12:54,065 --> 00:12:56,609
You dump your problems on
some half-baked Barney fife
320
00:12:56,901 --> 00:12:57,962
and you can start
a chain reaction
321
00:12:57,986 --> 00:13:00,071
of mental anguish.
322
00:13:00,363 --> 00:13:02,365
Look what you've done to him.
323
00:13:02,657 --> 00:13:06,995
- But he's such a good listener
and he takes my insurance.
324
00:13:07,287 --> 00:13:12,250
- I'm going to
help you. Lie down.
325
00:13:12,542 --> 00:13:14,669
Put your mental
burden in my mind vice
326
00:13:14,961 --> 00:13:16,004
and I will crush it.
327
00:13:16,296 --> 00:13:18,339
Kenneth, who is Harold?
328
00:13:18,631 --> 00:13:22,844
- He... was a role model
of mine growing up.
329
00:13:23,136 --> 00:13:24,696
Please let Harold be human.
330
00:13:24,804 --> 00:13:26,514
- Harold was a pig.
331
00:13:26,806 --> 00:13:30,518
You see, my father passed
when I was just a young boy.
332
00:13:30,810 --> 00:13:34,564
After that, I was alone
a lot and awful sad.
333
00:13:34,856 --> 00:13:37,525
But that pig saved me.
334
00:13:37,817 --> 00:13:38,860
In some ways,
335
00:13:39,152 --> 00:13:41,571
Harold was the only thing I had
336
00:13:41,863 --> 00:13:42,947
that was like a father.
337
00:13:43,239 --> 00:13:45,033
- You had a void to fill.
338
00:13:45,325 --> 00:13:46,325
Continue.
339
00:13:46,367 --> 00:13:47,076
- Then one day,
340
00:13:47,368 --> 00:13:50,538
my mama told me
we had to sell him.
341
00:13:50,830 --> 00:13:52,665
I knew what that meant.
342
00:13:52,957 --> 00:13:55,001
Harold was off to
the slaughterhouse.
343
00:13:55,293 --> 00:13:57,503
- I know it's difficult...
- I'm not done, sir.
344
00:13:57,795 --> 00:13:58,838
It gets worse.
345
00:13:59,130 --> 00:14:00,340
With Harold gone,
346
00:14:00,631 --> 00:14:02,508
there was nothing
keeping me at home.
347
00:14:02,800 --> 00:14:04,510
It was time for me
to move to New York
348
00:14:04,802 --> 00:14:06,471
and follow my dreams.
349
00:14:06,763 --> 00:14:08,973
But I needed $300
350
00:14:09,265 --> 00:14:13,436
for the river ferry-train-ox
cart-train-bus ticket.
351
00:14:13,728 --> 00:14:15,813
And that's when I saw the sign.
352
00:14:16,105 --> 00:14:17,899
I knew I could win that contest.
353
00:14:18,191 --> 00:14:20,026
Heck, I'd once
eaten an entire witch.
354
00:14:20,318 --> 00:14:21,944
A pig was nothing.
355
00:14:22,236 --> 00:14:24,530
And then they brought me mine.
356
00:14:24,822 --> 00:14:29,911
I would have recognized
those eyes anywhere.
357
00:14:30,203 --> 00:14:32,538
- Kenneth, no.
- It was Harold.
358
00:14:32,830 --> 00:14:37,585
And I ate all of him. Even
the face in case of a tie.
359
00:14:37,877 --> 00:14:39,879
- Good god!
- I ate him, sir!
360
00:14:40,171 --> 00:14:42,882
I ate my father pig!
361
00:14:45,843 --> 00:14:49,555
- Okay! Or you gave
his death meaning.
362
00:14:49,847 --> 00:14:53,101
His sacrifice made
you what you are today,
363
00:14:53,393 --> 00:14:56,479
which is the
lowest-level employee
364
00:14:56,771 --> 00:15:01,484
at the last-place
network in america.
365
00:15:01,776 --> 00:15:04,070
- I guess that is
true. Thank you, sir.
366
00:15:04,362 --> 00:15:06,948
I'll think on that.
367
00:15:07,240 --> 00:15:10,076
And you're sure you're okay
hearing about all my problems?
368
00:15:10,368 --> 00:15:12,745
- Of course, I'm Jack Donaghy.
369
00:15:20,711 --> 00:15:22,964
- Oh, no. Crush it.
370
00:15:23,256 --> 00:15:26,050
Oh, god, here
comes my childhood!
371
00:15:33,766 --> 00:15:34,892
- I'm in here, Paul!
372
00:15:35,184 --> 00:15:36,727
- The restaurant
was crazy today.
373
00:15:37,019 --> 00:15:38,354
During nude hour, I got custard
374
00:15:38,646 --> 00:15:40,940
all over my penis.
375
00:15:41,232 --> 00:15:42,650
What's going on in here?
376
00:15:42,942 --> 00:15:44,610
- You want to take
this to the next level?
377
00:15:44,902 --> 00:15:46,946
Let's videotape our lovemaking,
378
00:15:47,238 --> 00:15:50,658
pretend the tape got stolen,
and let the whole world see.
379
00:15:50,950 --> 00:15:52,785
- Wow. I don't know, Jenna.
380
00:15:53,077 --> 00:15:56,998
I'm pretty beat.
- I see.
381
00:15:57,290 --> 00:16:00,126
Fine. I guess we're just
done having any adventure
382
00:16:00,418 --> 00:16:01,498
or excitement in our lives.
383
00:16:01,752 --> 00:16:03,796
- God. Well, jeez, I'm
sorry that I'm happy
384
00:16:04,088 --> 00:16:05,088
with the way things are.
385
00:16:05,256 --> 00:16:07,633
Come on, why can't we just
paint each other's toenails,
386
00:16:07,925 --> 00:16:08,968
watch vintage pornography,
387
00:16:09,260 --> 00:16:11,340
and then go to bed in our
swing like a normal couple?
388
00:16:11,429 --> 00:16:14,557
- Because it's boring.
389
00:16:14,849 --> 00:16:16,049
We might as well be married...
390
00:16:16,267 --> 00:16:18,269
- okay, this isn't about
us being adventurous.
391
00:16:18,561 --> 00:16:20,681
This is about you being
afraid to settle down with me.
392
00:16:20,938 --> 00:16:23,107
- That's not true.
- Fine. Let's do this tape.
393
00:16:23,399 --> 00:16:24,919
But then what? What
will you want next?
394
00:16:25,109 --> 00:16:26,549
- Well, there's a
sex resort in Japan
395
00:16:26,777 --> 00:16:28,488
where white people
are treated like slaves.
396
00:16:28,779 --> 00:16:29,779
- No, Jenna!
397
00:16:30,031 --> 00:16:31,115
You're making it impossible
398
00:16:31,407 --> 00:16:32,783
to live up to your expectations.
399
00:16:33,075 --> 00:16:34,243
- What are you saying?
400
00:16:34,535 --> 00:16:36,245
- I'm saying adopting a dog
401
00:16:36,537 --> 00:16:37,788
so it can watch us make love
402
00:16:38,080 --> 00:16:39,720
and then returning
it claiming that it bit
403
00:16:39,916 --> 00:16:42,877
our imaginary child is
everything that I need.
404
00:16:43,169 --> 00:16:44,962
But if that's really
not enough for you,
405
00:16:45,254 --> 00:16:49,091
tell me now.
406
00:16:49,383 --> 00:16:54,096
- I'm sorry.
- Very well.
407
00:16:54,388 --> 00:16:59,060
I'm not going to beg
you. I have my dignity.
408
00:16:59,352 --> 00:17:02,396
I trust you to fairly
divide up our panties.
409
00:17:02,688 --> 00:17:06,692
I'll come get them tomorrow
while you're at work.
410
00:17:10,821 --> 00:17:12,381
- Oh, miss Lemon, I
have another message
411
00:17:12,657 --> 00:17:13,657
from captain Burnett.
412
00:17:13,866 --> 00:17:15,344
Please don't get sad,
and remember things,
413
00:17:15,368 --> 00:17:16,410
and infect me again.
414
00:17:16,702 --> 00:17:17,702
- Kenneth, it's okay.
415
00:17:17,870 --> 00:17:19,270
I'm not worried
about Carol anymore.
416
00:17:19,372 --> 00:17:20,891
I'm just sorry I
messed you up like that.
417
00:17:20,915 --> 00:17:24,085
- Don't worry. I had my
brain cleaned by Mr. Donaghy.
418
00:17:24,377 --> 00:17:26,504
Oh, I told him everything.
How Harold was...
419
00:17:26,796 --> 00:17:27,505
- no, no! Don't
tell me your story!
420
00:17:27,797 --> 00:17:30,550
I can't handle it. Look
how small my head is.
421
00:17:30,841 --> 00:17:33,678
- Oh, my! So tiny.
422
00:17:37,807 --> 00:17:39,967
- Daddy, I wanted to give
you your share of our profits
423
00:17:40,226 --> 00:17:43,020
before I shut down my dream.
424
00:17:43,312 --> 00:17:47,733
Someone left it in coat check.
425
00:17:48,025 --> 00:17:51,028
- Tracy, listen to
me. I was wrong.
426
00:17:51,320 --> 00:17:53,239
Don't turn your back on Donald.
427
00:17:53,531 --> 00:17:55,241
- Too late. Look
how we're positioned.
428
00:17:55,533 --> 00:17:57,243
- Kenneth told
me a story earlier...
429
00:17:57,535 --> 00:17:58,775
A story about fathers and sons.
430
00:17:58,953 --> 00:17:59,662
And despite my best effort,
431
00:17:59,954 --> 00:18:02,582
it unearthed a memory
from my own childhood.
432
00:18:02,873 --> 00:18:05,251
As a boy, I wanted
to be an astronaut,
433
00:18:05,543 --> 00:18:07,712
or a deep-sea diver,
a man of science.
434
00:18:08,004 --> 00:18:10,423
But I was raised
by Jimmy Donaghy,
435
00:18:10,715 --> 00:18:13,175
a man who projected
his own failed dreams
436
00:18:13,467 --> 00:18:15,261
on to his family.
437
00:18:15,553 --> 00:18:16,593
When I was in third grade,
438
00:18:16,804 --> 00:18:18,264
my class put on a science play.
439
00:18:18,556 --> 00:18:20,308
The night before,
Jimmy came home drunk
440
00:18:20,600 --> 00:18:21,880
and found me
rehearsing my lines.
441
00:18:22,018 --> 00:18:24,437
I was struggling with
the science terms.
442
00:18:24,729 --> 00:18:28,149
And Jimmy laughed and
said "well, looky here."
443
00:18:28,441 --> 00:18:30,610
"Dr. Jack. The boy
wants to be a scientist.
444
00:18:30,901 --> 00:18:32,612
"Chowderhead can't
even say the words!
445
00:18:32,903 --> 00:18:35,740
You'll never be nothing!"
446
00:18:36,032 --> 00:18:38,868
The next day, I was
up on that Stage.
447
00:18:39,160 --> 00:18:42,038
I looked out at the audience,
I saw Jimmy, and I froze.
448
00:18:42,330 --> 00:18:44,707
- I am a protoin. Protein!
449
00:18:44,999 --> 00:18:48,336
All living orgasms...
I mean orgasms.
450
00:18:48,628 --> 00:18:50,504
- Chowderhead can't
even say the words.
451
00:18:50,796 --> 00:18:53,799
- When I got home, I
threw away my microscope,
452
00:18:54,091 --> 00:18:58,054
my shell collection,
my map of the stars.
453
00:18:58,346 --> 00:18:59,847
Nerd.
454
00:19:00,139 --> 00:19:02,475
- A parent is the one
person who is supposed
455
00:19:02,767 --> 00:19:04,977
to make their kid think
they can do anything.
456
00:19:05,269 --> 00:19:07,813
Says they're beautiful
even when they're ugly.
457
00:19:08,105 --> 00:19:11,025
Thinks they're smart even
when they go to Arizona state.
458
00:19:11,317 --> 00:19:13,736
Let the rest of the
world tear your kid down.
459
00:19:14,028 --> 00:19:17,073
Your job is to support
him no matter what.
460
00:19:17,365 --> 00:19:21,452
Tracy believes you, Donald.
Go and make him proud.
461
00:19:21,744 --> 00:19:23,184
- That's a nice,
long speech and all,
462
00:19:23,454 --> 00:19:24,955
but your daddy was right.
463
00:19:25,247 --> 00:19:26,457
You couldn't be a scientist.
464
00:19:26,749 --> 00:19:29,502
You could even be
protein in a school play.
465
00:19:29,794 --> 00:19:33,381
And I can't run a
business. I'm a failure.
466
00:19:37,009 --> 00:19:40,054
- I...
467
00:19:40,346 --> 00:19:43,349
Am a protein!
468
00:19:43,641 --> 00:19:48,020
All living organisms
need me to function.
469
00:19:48,312 --> 00:19:51,899
A basic building block
of the human body.
470
00:19:52,191 --> 00:19:56,028
I'm made from amino
acids found in ribosomes.
471
00:19:56,320 --> 00:19:58,948
Proteins give
energy to everything
472
00:19:59,240 --> 00:20:00,950
from flowers and butterflies
473
00:20:01,242 --> 00:20:07,039
to heroes who
turn in communists.
474
00:20:07,331 --> 00:20:09,166
I am a protein.
475
00:20:13,045 --> 00:20:16,215
- Daddy, can I have
$50,000 to start a business
476
00:20:16,507 --> 00:20:18,884
where people can call in
and get air quality reports
477
00:20:19,176 --> 00:20:20,970
from all across
the United States?
478
00:20:21,262 --> 00:20:23,097
I'm gonna call it...
- Donald, no.
479
00:20:23,389 --> 00:20:28,227
- American airlines.
- And it's going to work, son!
480
00:20:35,151 --> 00:20:37,194
- This is what happens
when you work at being happy.
481
00:20:37,486 --> 00:20:39,488
Godzilla sits next to
you while you're eating
482
00:20:39,780 --> 00:20:41,240
an egg salad sandwich.
483
00:20:41,532 --> 00:20:43,409
What a world.
- What's the point?
484
00:20:43,701 --> 00:20:45,161
I moved here to
make it to Broadway.
485
00:20:45,453 --> 00:20:47,496
Now look at me. I'm pathetic.
486
00:20:47,788 --> 00:20:50,833
I've got no real skills.
A degree in theater tech.
487
00:20:51,125 --> 00:20:52,501
So you move back
to Pennsylvania.
488
00:20:52,793 --> 00:20:53,878
Live with your parents.
489
00:20:54,170 --> 00:20:55,970
All of your old friends
have kids and careers.
490
00:20:56,005 --> 00:20:57,006
And what do you have?
491
00:20:57,298 --> 00:20:58,716
Maybe your name on a TV show
492
00:20:59,008 --> 00:21:00,235
that no one will even remember.
493
00:21:00,259 --> 00:21:01,695
I should've moved to
Cleveland with that guy
494
00:21:01,719 --> 00:21:03,596
when I had the chance.
495
00:21:05,389 --> 00:21:08,100
- Damn you, Gojira!