1 00:00:03,045 --> 00:00:05,088 - How's it going in there? - Great. 2 00:00:05,380 --> 00:00:07,174 Trying on jeans is my favorite thing. 3 00:00:07,466 --> 00:00:08,746 Maybe later I can get a pap smear 4 00:00:09,009 --> 00:00:10,219 from an old male doctor. 5 00:00:10,511 --> 00:00:13,263 - Oh, come on, Liz, this store is cool. 6 00:00:13,555 --> 00:00:15,035 It's huge with all the young people... 7 00:00:15,140 --> 00:00:16,850 I mean, all the us. 8 00:00:17,142 --> 00:00:19,019 - This place is trying way too hard. 9 00:00:19,311 --> 00:00:20,938 Why are there straightjackets everywhere? 10 00:00:21,230 --> 00:00:22,457 - Because before this was a clothing store, 11 00:00:22,481 --> 00:00:23,732 it was a mental hospital. 12 00:00:24,024 --> 00:00:25,067 It's winky and fun, Liz. 13 00:00:25,359 --> 00:00:29,029 - Okay, I tried them on. Can we go now? 14 00:00:29,321 --> 00:00:30,656 - Liz Lemon, you look hot. 15 00:00:30,948 --> 00:00:32,115 - Really? 16 00:00:32,407 --> 00:00:35,118 - I swear to kaballah monster. 17 00:00:35,410 --> 00:00:37,246 Those jeans are perfect. Look at your butt. 18 00:00:37,538 --> 00:00:39,998 - Oh, my god. Is that me? 19 00:00:40,290 --> 00:00:41,290 - Liz, it's the dream. 20 00:00:41,458 --> 00:00:42,918 Boy on the bottom, girl on the top. 21 00:00:43,210 --> 00:00:46,588 - O.M. god, those jeans are zing! 22 00:00:46,880 --> 00:00:48,240 - This online slang dictionary says 23 00:00:48,423 --> 00:00:50,217 it's short for "amazing." 24 00:00:50,509 --> 00:00:52,803 Or it's a club drug made from a tooth whitener. 25 00:00:53,095 --> 00:00:54,095 Either way you win. 26 00:00:54,346 --> 00:00:55,466 - I'll wear these jeans out, 27 00:00:55,514 --> 00:00:56,765 and I'll take ten more pairs! 28 00:00:57,057 --> 00:00:58,737 - 'Tastic. Shall I put the pants you had on 29 00:00:58,892 --> 00:00:59,892 in with the jeans? 30 00:00:59,977 --> 00:01:01,770 - No. Burn them. 31 00:01:02,062 --> 00:01:03,272 Burn them! 32 00:01:05,857 --> 00:01:13,740 ♪ ♪ 33 00:01:22,332 --> 00:01:24,293 - I'm sorry I was late this morning, sir. 34 00:01:24,585 --> 00:01:26,128 I was attacked in my apartment... 35 00:01:26,420 --> 00:01:27,420 - quiet. 36 00:01:27,588 --> 00:01:28,297 - Congressional candidate Regina Bookman... 37 00:01:28,589 --> 00:01:29,649 - Are they really talking about that woman? 38 00:01:29,673 --> 00:01:32,718 - Making political hay out of the wheat field 39 00:01:33,010 --> 00:01:34,595 that is the NBC-Kabletown merger... 40 00:01:34,886 --> 00:01:37,556 Who wrote this? Jared, honestly? 41 00:01:37,848 --> 00:01:39,766 Bookman told reporters, quote, 42 00:01:40,058 --> 00:01:43,103 "the merger of NBC and Kabletown is bad for the consumer. 43 00:01:43,395 --> 00:01:44,998 "I don't trust their executive leadership, 44 00:01:45,022 --> 00:01:46,742 "and Kabletown still has an auxiliary button 45 00:01:46,857 --> 00:01:48,650 "on their remote. 46 00:01:48,942 --> 00:01:49,943 "What is that for? 47 00:01:50,235 --> 00:01:51,337 It just makes the screen go Blue." 48 00:01:51,361 --> 00:01:53,196 - Why is she still talking about the merger? 49 00:01:53,488 --> 00:01:55,568 She said I had three months to make NBC more diverse. 50 00:01:55,657 --> 00:01:57,010 - It's not your fault nobody watched 51 00:01:57,034 --> 00:01:58,452 america's next top black guy 52 00:01:58,744 --> 00:02:00,704 - Bookman, amping up the rhetoric in a tight race. 53 00:02:00,912 --> 00:02:02,122 Polls have her in a dead heat 54 00:02:02,414 --> 00:02:04,174 with out-of-nowhere challenger Steven Austin. 55 00:02:04,249 --> 00:02:07,794 - Wait a second. There's a chance she could lose? 56 00:02:08,086 --> 00:02:10,088 Bookman is obviously holding a gun to my head. 57 00:02:10,380 --> 00:02:13,091 And no matter what I do, she obviously wants me to fail. 58 00:02:13,383 --> 00:02:14,383 - But if she loses... 59 00:02:14,426 --> 00:02:15,445 - this isn't a conversation! 60 00:02:15,469 --> 00:02:16,637 But if she loses, 61 00:02:16,928 --> 00:02:19,097 I won't have to worry about her scuttling the merger. 62 00:02:19,389 --> 00:02:21,516 Jonathan, get her opponent in here. 63 00:02:21,808 --> 00:02:23,101 Whoever he is, 64 00:02:23,393 --> 00:02:24,853 he just made a very powerful friend. 65 00:02:25,145 --> 00:02:30,108 - I thought you said you didn't need any more friends. 66 00:02:33,612 --> 00:02:35,614 - 'Zing leg-tubes, Liz. 67 00:02:35,906 --> 00:02:36,906 - Vunderhinder! 68 00:02:36,948 --> 00:02:38,426 - They're from Brooklyn without limits. 69 00:02:38,450 --> 00:02:41,203 It's this very cool store with locations in gay town, 70 00:02:41,495 --> 00:02:43,215 white Harlem, and the Van Beardswick section 71 00:02:43,497 --> 00:02:44,539 of Brooklyn. 72 00:02:44,831 --> 00:02:45,540 And they don't just look great. See the tag? 73 00:02:45,832 --> 00:02:48,001 "Handmade in u.S.A." 74 00:02:48,293 --> 00:02:51,213 Because BWL is all about fair trade 75 00:02:51,505 --> 00:02:54,549 and local artisans and staying green. 76 00:02:54,841 --> 00:02:56,009 These jeans totally make up 77 00:02:56,301 --> 00:02:58,011 for all the times I took a long, hot shower 78 00:02:58,303 --> 00:02:59,012 because I was bored. 79 00:02:59,304 --> 00:03:01,014 - I'm so excited for you, Liz. 80 00:03:01,306 --> 00:03:03,016 Now we both have amazing butts. 81 00:03:03,308 --> 00:03:06,144 - Make that all three of us. Jenna, a word. 82 00:03:06,436 --> 00:03:08,355 Specifically, the word "talking." 83 00:03:08,647 --> 00:03:11,066 - Oh, and look at this. 84 00:03:11,358 --> 00:03:14,027 - J-train, as you may know, I was in a film 85 00:03:14,319 --> 00:03:15,487 called hard to watch. 86 00:03:15,779 --> 00:03:18,073 And the pundits think I have a chance 87 00:03:18,365 --> 00:03:20,909 at an Oscar, and I just learned about air quotes. 88 00:03:21,201 --> 00:03:23,036 - Yes. I talked about your movie 89 00:03:23,328 --> 00:03:25,038 with my therapist last week for 20 hours. 90 00:03:25,330 --> 00:03:26,641 - I know this is difficult for you. 91 00:03:26,665 --> 00:03:27,999 - I'm fine. 92 00:03:28,291 --> 00:03:30,168 Talking with Dr. Linda helped me realize 93 00:03:30,460 --> 00:03:32,170 I have just as much going on in my life. 94 00:03:32,462 --> 00:03:34,881 My exercise video is dropping soon. 95 00:03:35,173 --> 00:03:36,883 It's called Jenna gets hard. 96 00:03:39,803 --> 00:03:41,847 - Well, if you're okay talking about it, 97 00:03:42,139 --> 00:03:43,139 I need your help. 98 00:03:43,390 --> 00:03:45,190 These reporters want to come do a story on me. 99 00:03:45,350 --> 00:03:46,560 They're from something called 100 00:03:46,852 --> 00:03:49,396 the Hollywood foreign press association. 101 00:03:49,688 --> 00:03:51,148 HOFPA? 102 00:03:51,440 --> 00:03:53,650 - Yeah. - That's the golden globes. 103 00:03:53,942 --> 00:03:57,070 The second-most-important awards in Hollywood... 104 00:03:57,362 --> 00:03:59,865 After the people's choice awards... 105 00:04:00,157 --> 00:04:02,117 Where the fans are in charge. 106 00:04:02,409 --> 00:04:03,118 - So what do you think I should do? 107 00:04:03,410 --> 00:04:04,911 - You could have a special screening 108 00:04:05,203 --> 00:04:06,872 for them... host a luncheon. 109 00:04:07,164 --> 00:04:09,708 And when the time is right... 110 00:04:10,000 --> 00:04:11,918 - Be bad at snapping. Got it. 111 00:04:12,210 --> 00:04:15,839 - No, Tracy. You could try to bribe them. 112 00:04:16,131 --> 00:04:20,260 I mean, a golden globe is a stepping stone to an Oscar. 113 00:04:20,552 --> 00:04:22,429 How bad do you want it? 114 00:04:22,721 --> 00:04:24,681 - I'm not an expert at morality, 115 00:04:24,973 --> 00:04:25,682 but isn't that wrong? 116 00:04:25,974 --> 00:04:30,061 You're asking me? 117 00:04:30,353 --> 00:04:33,607 - So this is the man who's gonna bring down Regina Bookman. 118 00:04:33,899 --> 00:04:36,943 Rhode Island's own Steven Austin! 119 00:04:37,235 --> 00:04:39,279 - Actually, I go by Steve Austin. 120 00:04:39,571 --> 00:04:41,091 That way people see my name on ballots, 121 00:04:41,323 --> 00:04:43,533 they think I'm the wrestler, and they vote for me. 122 00:04:43,825 --> 00:04:45,265 - I've been reading up on you, Steve. 123 00:04:45,410 --> 00:04:47,662 Honestly, I want to like you. 124 00:04:47,954 --> 00:04:49,956 But I see that you're not affiliated 125 00:04:50,248 --> 00:04:51,267 with the republican party. 126 00:04:51,291 --> 00:04:52,709 - The party system is broken, Jack. 127 00:04:53,001 --> 00:04:54,061 I don't believe in parties. 128 00:04:54,085 --> 00:04:55,545 I don't join 'em, 129 00:04:55,837 --> 00:04:57,631 and I never get invited to 'em... Hint, hint. 130 00:04:57,923 --> 00:04:58,465 - You're an individual. 131 00:04:58,757 --> 00:05:01,635 A Maverick. 132 00:05:01,927 --> 00:05:02,945 People like you are succeeding 133 00:05:02,969 --> 00:05:04,889 because Americans are fed up with the status quo. 134 00:05:05,096 --> 00:05:06,640 - Exactly. 135 00:05:06,932 --> 00:05:07,557 They're tired of the direction this country's headed in. 136 00:05:07,849 --> 00:05:09,518 They want to return to our past glory. 137 00:05:09,810 --> 00:05:11,144 They want an American renaissance! 138 00:05:11,436 --> 00:05:12,455 - I like what I'm hearing, Steve. 139 00:05:12,479 --> 00:05:13,479 - Then you're gonna love 140 00:05:13,522 --> 00:05:15,148 the sound of this. 141 00:05:15,440 --> 00:05:16,691 Goo goo gaa gaa, Jack. 142 00:05:16,983 --> 00:05:18,026 - What's that? 143 00:05:18,318 --> 00:05:19,653 - That's the theme of my campaign. 144 00:05:19,945 --> 00:05:21,321 Renaissance means rebirth. 145 00:05:21,613 --> 00:05:24,658 I want to Usher in the rebirth of this country. 146 00:05:24,950 --> 00:05:26,950 That's why the theme of all my campaign commercials 147 00:05:27,202 --> 00:05:29,079 is "I'm a baby." 148 00:05:29,371 --> 00:05:30,914 This country has lost its way. 149 00:05:31,206 --> 00:05:33,917 We need to start over and return to what made our nation great. 150 00:05:34,209 --> 00:05:35,752 My name is Steve Austin, 151 00:05:36,044 --> 00:05:37,764 and I'm a lifelong resident of Rhode Island, 152 00:05:37,963 --> 00:05:39,732 and the Manager of a local paintball facility. 153 00:05:39,756 --> 00:05:41,299 I will clean out Washington, 154 00:05:41,591 --> 00:05:43,927 like it's the bathroom of a paintball facility. 155 00:05:44,219 --> 00:05:45,303 Vote Steve Austin. 156 00:05:45,595 --> 00:05:47,639 And if you're blind, I am the wrestler. 157 00:05:47,931 --> 00:05:49,558 - Right. 158 00:05:49,850 --> 00:05:51,518 I like a lot of what you're saying, Steve, 159 00:05:51,810 --> 00:05:53,687 but before I throw my support behind you, 160 00:05:53,979 --> 00:05:54,979 I do have a litmus test. 161 00:05:55,105 --> 00:05:57,232 - Okay. Can I take that in two weeks? 162 00:05:57,524 --> 00:05:58,564 - No, it's just questions. 163 00:05:58,817 --> 00:06:00,977 What do you think the role of the government should be? 164 00:06:01,069 --> 00:06:03,154 - Limited. I believe in small government. 165 00:06:03,446 --> 00:06:05,246 - Excellent answer. - Or no government at all. 166 00:06:05,490 --> 00:06:07,450 If it works in Antarctica, why can't it work here? 167 00:06:07,701 --> 00:06:09,021 But if we have to have government, 168 00:06:09,077 --> 00:06:10,871 make it as small as possible. 169 00:06:11,162 --> 00:06:14,416 Dwarves, tiny buildings... Pizza bagels for lunch. 170 00:06:14,708 --> 00:06:16,501 - Maybe we should stop at small government. 171 00:06:16,793 --> 00:06:18,712 Let's cut to the chase. 172 00:06:19,004 --> 00:06:21,364 I need you to assure me you would never allow the government 173 00:06:21,590 --> 00:06:24,092 to interfere with the sale of one company to another. 174 00:06:24,384 --> 00:06:25,051 - Of course not. The government shouldn't 175 00:06:25,343 --> 00:06:26,343 interfere in anything! 176 00:06:26,428 --> 00:06:28,722 What happens inside a man's own rain poncho 177 00:06:29,014 --> 00:06:29,723 at a minor league baseball game 178 00:06:30,015 --> 00:06:30,515 is his own business. 179 00:06:30,807 --> 00:06:32,247 - Well, Steve, we should stop talking 180 00:06:32,309 --> 00:06:33,351 before I change my mind. 181 00:06:33,643 --> 00:06:35,323 But I do want to host a fundraiser for you, 182 00:06:35,437 --> 00:06:36,831 so give me a couple of days to put that together. 183 00:06:36,855 --> 00:06:39,774 - I need to know that you believe in my message, Jack. 184 00:06:40,066 --> 00:06:42,986 Take the rattle. 185 00:06:43,278 --> 00:06:46,907 Say "goo goo gaa gaa," Jack. 186 00:06:47,198 --> 00:06:49,910 - Goo goo gaa gaa. 187 00:06:55,582 --> 00:06:56,833 - What's going on here? 188 00:06:57,125 --> 00:07:00,045 - I'm helping Tracy plan for a golden globes event tomorrow. 189 00:07:00,337 --> 00:07:01,697 Kenneth is our human Sushi platter, 190 00:07:01,838 --> 00:07:04,591 and I'm doing a dry run so everything will be perfect... 191 00:07:04,883 --> 00:07:05,883 For my friend Tracy. 192 00:07:06,092 --> 00:07:08,553 - Lying perfectly still reminds me of hiding 193 00:07:08,845 --> 00:07:10,722 under our porch during a hill people rampage. 194 00:07:11,014 --> 00:07:13,767 - On the day, Kenneth's mouth will be filled with wasabi 195 00:07:14,059 --> 00:07:15,977 so he don't do so much... 196 00:07:16,269 --> 00:07:18,772 - I should get a chafing dish and fill it with my underwear 197 00:07:19,064 --> 00:07:21,858 in case some Saudi guys show up. 198 00:07:24,611 --> 00:07:25,946 - Let me get this straight. 199 00:07:26,237 --> 00:07:27,948 You, the person who is still jealous 200 00:07:28,239 --> 00:07:29,699 of the attention baby Jessica got, 201 00:07:29,991 --> 00:07:33,578 are helping Tracy win an award for acting? 202 00:07:33,870 --> 00:07:35,288 - Oh, I'm helping him, all right. 203 00:07:35,580 --> 00:07:38,458 I even gave him the idea to try to bribe them. 204 00:07:38,750 --> 00:07:40,627 - And he's gonna do that? That's awful. 205 00:07:40,919 --> 00:07:42,128 I trust award shows. 206 00:07:42,420 --> 00:07:44,649 They tell me how much to care about different dead people. 207 00:07:44,673 --> 00:07:45,757 - It's not gonna work. 208 00:07:46,049 --> 00:07:48,249 If they could be bribed, I would have won a golden globe 209 00:07:48,301 --> 00:07:51,096 for my lifetime original movie sister, can you spare a breast? 210 00:07:51,388 --> 00:07:53,431 - So you've tried this before? 211 00:07:53,723 --> 00:07:58,353 - And they were so offended, they banned me for life. 212 00:07:58,645 --> 00:08:00,563 And the same thing will happen to Tracy. 213 00:08:00,855 --> 00:08:02,232 - So you're sabotaging him. 214 00:08:02,524 --> 00:08:04,210 Just like I did to my niece when she tried to sing 215 00:08:04,234 --> 00:08:05,503 at our family's Christmas party. 216 00:08:05,527 --> 00:08:07,862 - You know what, you and Tracy deserve each other. 217 00:08:08,154 --> 00:08:10,049 I don't know which of you to be more disappointed in. 218 00:08:10,073 --> 00:08:11,074 - Me, silly. 219 00:08:11,366 --> 00:08:14,244 I'm more aware of what I'm doing. 220 00:08:18,415 --> 00:08:19,415 - I'm sorry, miss. 221 00:08:19,624 --> 00:08:22,794 Do you know where Liz Lemon... good god! 222 00:08:23,086 --> 00:08:24,796 Lemon, those jeans make you look like 223 00:08:25,088 --> 00:08:26,172 a Mexican sports reporter. 224 00:08:26,464 --> 00:08:28,425 - Thank you, Jack. Hi. 225 00:08:28,717 --> 00:08:31,511 Do I know you from outside the bagel store? 226 00:08:31,803 --> 00:08:32,947 - You probably know me from the future, 227 00:08:32,971 --> 00:08:34,889 where I am the president of the United States. 228 00:08:35,181 --> 00:08:36,181 Steve Austin, 229 00:08:36,391 --> 00:08:38,351 Rhode Island's independent candidate for congress. 230 00:08:38,476 --> 00:08:39,756 - Oh, yeah, somebody forwarded me 231 00:08:40,020 --> 00:08:41,563 one of your campaign ads. 232 00:08:41,855 --> 00:08:43,773 - The rebirth of america starts now. 233 00:08:44,065 --> 00:08:45,942 Waaaaah! 234 00:08:46,234 --> 00:08:48,111 My name is Steve Austin, and if you're senile, 235 00:08:48,403 --> 00:08:50,864 yes, I am the six-million dollar man! 236 00:08:51,156 --> 00:08:52,967 - Paid for by the broken vending machine at the paintball place. 237 00:08:52,991 --> 00:08:54,868 - I'm actually working with Steve's campaign, 238 00:08:55,160 --> 00:08:57,200 and I would like you to produce a biographical video 239 00:08:57,328 --> 00:08:58,472 for a fundraiser I'm hosting. 240 00:08:58,496 --> 00:08:59,496 - Oh, my god! 241 00:08:59,622 --> 00:09:00,902 I got a Zappos box coming today, 242 00:09:01,166 --> 00:09:01,833 and there's nobody there to pick it up 243 00:09:02,125 --> 00:09:03,845 because my wife left me for my twin brother. 244 00:09:04,044 --> 00:09:05,044 Can I use your phone? 245 00:09:05,128 --> 00:09:06,768 - Yeah, okay. You don't have a cell phone? 246 00:09:06,880 --> 00:09:07,960 - Yeah, I got a cell phone. 247 00:09:08,214 --> 00:09:08,882 I walk around all day 248 00:09:09,174 --> 00:09:12,719 with a CIA tracking device in my pocket. 249 00:09:14,596 --> 00:09:16,222 - Okay, that guys is bananas. 250 00:09:16,514 --> 00:09:19,267 Obviously he should not be in congress... what are you doing? 251 00:09:19,559 --> 00:09:22,145 - He's running against Regina Bookman... I need him. 252 00:09:22,437 --> 00:09:24,981 Aha. So you're putting one more nut job... 253 00:09:25,273 --> 00:09:27,192 Yeah, I said it... "one more." I'm political 254 00:09:27,484 --> 00:09:29,778 in Washington so you can advance your career? 255 00:09:30,070 --> 00:09:30,695 What is going on today? 256 00:09:30,987 --> 00:09:32,781 Has everyone lost their moral compass? 257 00:09:33,073 --> 00:09:34,553 - You're being awfully high and mighty 258 00:09:34,824 --> 00:09:36,785 for someone who once claimed her husband drowned 259 00:09:37,077 --> 00:09:39,037 so she could get out of a gym contract. 260 00:09:39,329 --> 00:09:41,581 The whole Kabletown deal is resting on this, 261 00:09:41,873 --> 00:09:42,957 and Austin is pro-business. 262 00:09:43,249 --> 00:09:45,209 - Big business is what's screwing up this country. 263 00:09:45,251 --> 00:09:47,091 - Please, Lemon, you work for general electric! 264 00:09:47,295 --> 00:09:48,838 - Technically, I am a freelancer, 265 00:09:49,130 --> 00:09:51,049 which is pretty much a modern-day cowboy. 266 00:09:51,341 --> 00:09:52,341 And I live like a cowboy 267 00:09:52,550 --> 00:09:54,886 by buying quality, locally made jeans. 268 00:09:55,178 --> 00:09:57,138 Also by eating beans out of a can 269 00:09:57,430 --> 00:09:58,681 due to impatience. 270 00:09:58,973 --> 00:10:00,253 You're on your own here, partner. 271 00:10:00,391 --> 00:10:01,810 But hey, it's not all bad, 272 00:10:02,102 --> 00:10:05,313 'cause you get to watch me walk away. 273 00:10:09,359 --> 00:10:11,111 - No, no, that's not right. 274 00:10:11,402 --> 00:10:13,822 Why can't the delivery guy just leave it out back? 275 00:10:14,114 --> 00:10:15,740 Yeah, I know it's not a house, 276 00:10:16,032 --> 00:10:17,867 but I sleep there. 277 00:10:18,159 --> 00:10:19,679 - I'd like to thank you all for coming. 278 00:10:19,869 --> 00:10:22,069 We've heard complaints about the Sushi platter moving... 279 00:10:22,330 --> 00:10:23,540 We're working on it. 280 00:10:23,832 --> 00:10:25,041 I'm sorry. 281 00:10:25,333 --> 00:10:28,795 - Tracy would be happy to take any softball questions you have, 282 00:10:29,087 --> 00:10:30,087 like the following... 283 00:10:30,255 --> 00:10:32,549 What films inspire you? 284 00:10:32,841 --> 00:10:34,467 - Well, definitely the foreign films. 285 00:10:34,759 --> 00:10:35,844 Like the political ones 286 00:10:36,136 --> 00:10:37,656 where you think there'll be no boobies, 287 00:10:37,929 --> 00:10:39,806 then bam! Boobies. 288 00:10:40,098 --> 00:10:42,851 Tracy, what is an actor? 289 00:10:43,143 --> 00:10:44,894 - I think the better question is, 290 00:10:45,186 --> 00:10:46,479 what isn't an actor? 291 00:10:46,771 --> 00:10:50,441 A lamp. A couch. That mirror. 292 00:10:50,733 --> 00:10:51,818 Or a hidden pistol. 293 00:10:52,110 --> 00:10:56,739 An actor... 294 00:10:57,031 --> 00:10:59,951 - And now, amidst a day of wonders, 295 00:11:00,243 --> 00:11:01,661 one wonder more. 296 00:11:01,953 --> 00:11:04,956 A special voters-only screening of hard to watch, 297 00:11:05,248 --> 00:11:09,919 based on the book stone cold bummer, by manipulate. 298 00:11:13,381 --> 00:11:15,800 - They call New York the big apple. 299 00:11:16,092 --> 00:11:18,303 Never seemed that way to me. 300 00:11:18,595 --> 00:11:20,138 I used to have dreams. 301 00:11:20,430 --> 00:11:22,515 I was an all-city running back, 302 00:11:22,807 --> 00:11:27,687 and I was gonna run out of here to college, the suburbs. 303 00:11:27,979 --> 00:11:30,273 Now the only thing I use a football for 304 00:11:30,565 --> 00:11:33,234 is as a toilet. 305 00:11:33,526 --> 00:11:35,695 Funny thing to happen to a guy named "lucky." 306 00:11:39,115 --> 00:11:42,076 ♪ ♪ 307 00:11:42,368 --> 00:11:44,662 - I am a constitutional originalist, 308 00:11:44,954 --> 00:11:47,916 and I believe that our founding fathers had it right. 309 00:11:48,208 --> 00:11:50,084 We need to get back to their america. 310 00:11:50,376 --> 00:11:51,878 No paved roads. 311 00:11:52,170 --> 00:11:54,047 Rum used as an anesthetic. 312 00:11:54,339 --> 00:11:55,339 Legalized slavery. 313 00:11:55,548 --> 00:11:57,425 - All right. Some good pieces. 314 00:11:57,717 --> 00:11:59,195 - Jack, you want to see my hand gestures? 315 00:11:59,219 --> 00:12:00,720 I have you listen to me! 316 00:12:01,012 --> 00:12:03,056 Forceful conclusion. 317 00:12:03,348 --> 00:12:05,016 There's work to be done. 318 00:12:05,308 --> 00:12:07,310 Hand me that shovel so I can dig a grave for her. 319 00:12:07,602 --> 00:12:08,728 - Okay, let's cut. 320 00:12:09,020 --> 00:12:12,523 - Sir, look at this Bookman photo op. 321 00:12:12,815 --> 00:12:13,918 - "Representative Bookman greets young voters 322 00:12:13,942 --> 00:12:15,235 at Warwick mall." 323 00:12:15,526 --> 00:12:17,987 She's courting the youth vote. That means she's desperate. 324 00:12:18,279 --> 00:12:19,399 - My generation never votes. 325 00:12:19,489 --> 00:12:21,699 It interferes with talking about ourselves all the time. 326 00:12:21,991 --> 00:12:23,751 - She's running scared. God, this could work. 327 00:12:23,952 --> 00:12:26,246 Now all I have to do is whip Austin into shape. 328 00:12:26,537 --> 00:12:27,857 - Hey, Jack, just to have options, 329 00:12:28,122 --> 00:12:29,874 should we do a couple takes with binky? 330 00:12:30,166 --> 00:12:31,167 - Let's take five. - Wow. 331 00:12:31,459 --> 00:12:33,127 You're really going ahead with this. 332 00:12:33,419 --> 00:12:34,897 - Lemon, I'm not about to take criticism 333 00:12:34,921 --> 00:12:36,321 from someone wearing that tee shirt. 334 00:12:36,464 --> 00:12:38,304 - Hey, don't talk down Brooklyn without limits. 335 00:12:38,591 --> 00:12:40,551 Stores like this are saving the world. 336 00:12:40,843 --> 00:12:41,862 - Really? You're gonna lecture me 337 00:12:41,886 --> 00:12:42,553 about big business again? 338 00:12:42,845 --> 00:12:44,931 Do you know who owns Brooklyn without limits? 339 00:12:45,223 --> 00:12:45,640 - Brooklyn Zack. 340 00:12:45,932 --> 00:12:47,350 He throws pool parties in dumpsters. 341 00:12:47,642 --> 00:12:49,310 - Halliburton. In the mid-'90s, 342 00:12:49,602 --> 00:12:50,311 they found themselves with a surplus 343 00:12:50,603 --> 00:12:52,188 of canvas waterboarding hoods, 344 00:12:52,480 --> 00:12:54,520 so they had sweatshops make them into messenger bags 345 00:12:54,607 --> 00:12:56,985 to sell to outer-borough idiots. 346 00:12:57,277 --> 00:12:58,879 - You don't know what you're talking about. 347 00:12:58,903 --> 00:13:01,072 Handmade in usa. 348 00:13:01,364 --> 00:13:03,408 - Your magic jeans are from BWL? 349 00:13:03,700 --> 00:13:05,910 Oh, Lemon, it's not handmade in usa. 350 00:13:06,202 --> 00:13:08,579 It's pronounced Hond-made in Oosa. 351 00:13:08,871 --> 00:13:11,499 The Hond people are a Vietnamese slave tribe, 352 00:13:11,791 --> 00:13:13,543 and usa is their island prison. 353 00:13:13,835 --> 00:13:15,795 They made your jeans. 354 00:13:16,087 --> 00:13:17,847 You know how they get the stitching so small? 355 00:13:17,880 --> 00:13:19,465 Orphans. 356 00:13:19,757 --> 00:13:20,877 - No! Brooklyn Zack is real. 357 00:13:21,092 --> 00:13:23,012 He just got back from Peru, where he met a family 358 00:13:23,094 --> 00:13:24,971 that's been making hats for 2,000 years. 359 00:13:25,263 --> 00:13:26,448 - We all make our compromises. 360 00:13:26,472 --> 00:13:28,808 At least I'm doing it for our company, for jobs. 361 00:13:29,100 --> 00:13:32,186 You're doing it for your ass! 362 00:13:33,855 --> 00:13:35,023 - I don't believe you. 363 00:13:35,315 --> 00:13:37,195 The liberal media would have told me about this. 364 00:13:37,483 --> 00:13:38,067 - There's no such thing. 365 00:13:38,359 --> 00:13:40,239 The New York Times is owned by NYT Incorporated, 366 00:13:40,528 --> 00:13:42,288 which is owned by Altheon Ballistic Dynamics, 367 00:13:42,322 --> 00:13:43,762 which is owned by the Murdoch family, 368 00:13:43,948 --> 00:13:47,160 who are owned... By Halliburton. 369 00:13:53,458 --> 00:13:59,088 ♪ ♪ 370 00:13:59,380 --> 00:14:01,090 - It goes all the way to the top. 371 00:14:01,382 --> 00:14:02,884 How can you work here? 372 00:14:03,176 --> 00:14:04,510 Do you know who owns this place? 373 00:14:04,802 --> 00:14:06,304 - Halliburton, bitch. So what? 374 00:14:06,596 --> 00:14:07,764 - But look at you! 375 00:14:08,056 --> 00:14:09,932 You're meticulously groomed, and... 376 00:14:10,224 --> 00:14:11,893 And you turned a tie into a belt. 377 00:14:12,185 --> 00:14:13,811 - Oh, so gay men can't be conservative? 378 00:14:14,103 --> 00:14:14,729 You're so 'norant. That's short for ignorant. 379 00:14:15,021 --> 00:14:17,273 That's short for "ignorant." 380 00:14:17,565 --> 00:14:18,566 And who are you to judge? 381 00:14:18,858 --> 00:14:20,138 You're still wearing those jeans. 382 00:14:20,318 --> 00:14:22,779 - Ah... che Guevara... 383 00:14:23,071 --> 00:14:25,531 If only you knew what this place stood for. 384 00:14:25,823 --> 00:14:27,825 - His great grandfather was domingo Halliburton. 385 00:14:36,501 --> 00:14:37,501 - Wow! 386 00:14:37,752 --> 00:14:39,879 I haven't seen so many suits since my trial. 387 00:14:40,171 --> 00:14:41,964 - I have an idea. I know these people, 388 00:14:42,256 --> 00:14:44,842 so let me do the talking. 389 00:14:45,134 --> 00:14:47,637 Oh, uh, Steve? 390 00:14:47,929 --> 00:14:49,129 Of course you know ed perlman. 391 00:14:49,389 --> 00:14:50,890 - Perlman, isn't that last name Jew... 392 00:14:53,559 --> 00:14:54,559 New strategy. 393 00:14:54,727 --> 00:14:56,330 I'll raise the money, and you stay in here 394 00:14:56,354 --> 00:14:57,814 and cultivate an aura of mystery. 395 00:14:58,106 --> 00:14:59,649 - Ooh, good idea. Maybe I'll add to it 396 00:14:59,941 --> 00:15:02,568 by making some mysterious sounds. 397 00:15:02,860 --> 00:15:04,612 Oooooohhh... 398 00:15:04,904 --> 00:15:06,989 Yeeee-eeee... - I love it. 399 00:15:07,281 --> 00:15:08,491 Oowwww... 400 00:15:08,783 --> 00:15:11,244 - I'll go to jail in Deshawn's place 401 00:15:11,536 --> 00:15:12,829 'cause he's my brother. 402 00:15:13,121 --> 00:15:14,163 Don't say nothin'. 403 00:15:14,455 --> 00:15:17,125 Sometimes you gotta do the right thing... 404 00:15:17,417 --> 00:15:20,044 Even when the wrong thing is a whole lot easier. 405 00:15:20,336 --> 00:15:24,132 Now let's just have one last happy dinner together... 406 00:15:24,424 --> 00:15:25,883 As a family! 407 00:15:29,220 --> 00:15:30,596 - Your mother exploded. 408 00:15:43,609 --> 00:15:45,194 - I got them right where I want them. 409 00:15:45,486 --> 00:15:47,780 Time to do a little golden globe shopping. 410 00:15:48,072 --> 00:15:51,951 - No, Tracy... 411 00:15:52,243 --> 00:15:55,621 That movie gave me drunk-in-the-bathtub face. 412 00:15:55,913 --> 00:15:57,373 We need to talk. 413 00:15:57,665 --> 00:16:01,085 - Thank you for coming. 414 00:16:01,377 --> 00:16:03,463 - Well, you were right about Brooklyn without limits. 415 00:16:03,754 --> 00:16:05,506 Crunchy on the outside, 416 00:16:05,798 --> 00:16:07,300 right-wing nut job on the inside. 417 00:16:07,592 --> 00:16:09,093 Like Anne coulter's underwear. 418 00:16:09,385 --> 00:16:10,821 But I see you're still wearing the jeans. 419 00:16:10,845 --> 00:16:13,014 - I know! They look so good. 420 00:16:13,306 --> 00:16:14,586 And I'm skyping later with Carol, 421 00:16:14,640 --> 00:16:15,892 and we like to dance together. 422 00:16:16,184 --> 00:16:17,727 And I want to do this "back it up" move 423 00:16:18,019 --> 00:16:19,788 that I haven't been able to pull off since high school. 424 00:16:19,812 --> 00:16:22,482 It's like... ♪ back it up, back it up ♪ 425 00:16:22,773 --> 00:16:23,933 ♪ and drop it like it's hot ♪ 426 00:16:24,150 --> 00:16:24,859 ♪ drop it like it's hot ♪ 427 00:16:25,151 --> 00:16:26,652 ♪ I will haunt your dreams ♪ 428 00:16:26,944 --> 00:16:30,490 So fine, I'm selling out. But so are you. 429 00:16:30,781 --> 00:16:32,825 - No. I believe in Steve Austin 430 00:16:33,117 --> 00:16:35,536 and his plan to put a casino on the moon. 431 00:16:35,828 --> 00:16:37,413 - Then I believe in Halliburton. 432 00:16:37,705 --> 00:16:40,708 - Good. So neither of us should feel guilty. 433 00:16:41,000 --> 00:16:42,335 - We don't. 434 00:16:47,298 --> 00:16:50,426 - Sabotage? But I'm the one who does that to me. 435 00:16:50,718 --> 00:16:52,720 - I know, Tracy. It was wrong. 436 00:16:53,012 --> 00:16:54,281 But I couldn't go through with it 437 00:16:54,305 --> 00:16:55,556 because I saw your movie. 438 00:16:55,848 --> 00:16:57,248 And I can't believe I'm saying this, 439 00:16:57,433 --> 00:16:59,060 but you're great. 440 00:16:59,352 --> 00:17:00,811 - Wait, great like good, 441 00:17:01,103 --> 00:17:03,303 or grate like the thing I dropped my asthma inhaler down 442 00:17:03,356 --> 00:17:05,107 the other day? 443 00:17:05,399 --> 00:17:06,442 - The first one, tray. 444 00:17:06,734 --> 00:17:09,487 You are going to win. 445 00:17:09,779 --> 00:17:11,864 And when you do, I'll be furious. 446 00:17:12,156 --> 00:17:14,617 Like waking up next to Rob Schneider furious. 447 00:17:14,909 --> 00:17:16,494 But I don't care. 448 00:17:16,786 --> 00:17:18,704 It's like you said in the movie... 449 00:17:18,996 --> 00:17:20,831 Sometimes you gotta do the right thing, 450 00:17:21,123 --> 00:17:23,543 even when the wrong thing would be a whole lot easier. 451 00:17:23,834 --> 00:17:24,834 - No, don't say that. 452 00:17:25,086 --> 00:17:27,296 In real life, you have to make compromises. 453 00:17:27,588 --> 00:17:29,268 - No, Liz Lemon, it's like the thing I said 454 00:17:29,382 --> 00:17:30,925 in another movie I made. 455 00:17:31,217 --> 00:17:33,636 Compromises are for lesser souls. 456 00:17:33,928 --> 00:17:36,347 Die, werewolf zombie! 457 00:17:36,639 --> 00:17:39,850 - So you two have decided to do the right thing? 458 00:17:40,142 --> 00:17:42,019 Ugh! Fine! 459 00:17:42,311 --> 00:17:43,729 I'll go home and change! 460 00:17:44,021 --> 00:17:46,857 Take a last look, guys. 461 00:17:50,945 --> 00:17:54,532 - I would hit that. - Too small. 462 00:17:54,824 --> 00:17:57,868 - I believe we are all being held in slavery 463 00:17:58,160 --> 00:18:00,037 by big government. 464 00:18:02,415 --> 00:18:05,001 Lesbian Mario brothers. 465 00:18:05,293 --> 00:18:05,876 - I couldn't do it, Jack. 466 00:18:06,168 --> 00:18:07,628 I just couldn't support BWL. 467 00:18:07,920 --> 00:18:09,720 And I'd already thrown out all my other jeans. 468 00:18:09,922 --> 00:18:11,924 - That is the most unflattering item of clothing 469 00:18:12,216 --> 00:18:13,718 I have ever seen you wear. 470 00:18:14,010 --> 00:18:15,678 And I'm including 2008's turtleneck 471 00:18:15,970 --> 00:18:17,555 with smiley-face vest. 472 00:18:17,847 --> 00:18:19,199 - But I feel good. And not just because 473 00:18:19,223 --> 00:18:21,851 in my shorteralls I found a bag of TasteTations, 474 00:18:22,143 --> 00:18:23,537 a discontinued chocolate hard candy, 475 00:18:23,561 --> 00:18:27,148 but because sometimes you gotta do the right thing, 476 00:18:27,440 --> 00:18:30,943 even when the wrong thing would be a whole lot easier. 477 00:18:31,235 --> 00:18:33,112 Die, werewolf zombie. 478 00:18:38,743 --> 00:18:41,454 - Good god, Lemon! 479 00:18:41,746 --> 00:18:46,125 - I will never allow casinos on the moon! 480 00:18:46,417 --> 00:18:47,835 Thank you! 481 00:18:59,388 --> 00:19:01,641 - Steve? - Friend or foe? 482 00:19:01,932 --> 00:19:04,143 - You're the reason everyone came here tonight. 483 00:19:04,435 --> 00:19:05,728 They need to hear you speak. 484 00:19:06,020 --> 00:19:08,230 In person. 485 00:19:08,522 --> 00:19:09,982 From the heart. 486 00:19:16,072 --> 00:19:19,450 Damn you, shorteralls! 487 00:19:19,742 --> 00:19:23,079 - Americans are a simple but powerful people, 488 00:19:23,371 --> 00:19:25,373 which is why I have written a new national anthem. 489 00:19:25,665 --> 00:19:26,874 ♪ Ooga booga big ♪ 490 00:19:27,166 --> 00:19:28,376 ♪ ooga booga strong ♪ 491 00:19:28,668 --> 00:19:32,004 ♪ I am going to sing my ooga booga song ♪ 492 00:19:32,296 --> 00:19:33,714 ♪ ooga booga big ♪ 493 00:19:34,006 --> 00:19:35,966 ♪ ooga booga strong ♪ 494 00:19:36,258 --> 00:19:39,720 - Wow! That's worse than the speech my grandpa made 495 00:19:40,012 --> 00:19:41,889 when my cousin married a Japanese girl. 496 00:19:42,181 --> 00:19:44,058 - As if that weren't enough, Austin was mocked 497 00:19:44,350 --> 00:19:46,519 in Jay leno's monologue tonight. 498 00:19:46,811 --> 00:19:49,438 The kingmaker has spoken. It's over. 499 00:19:49,730 --> 00:19:51,273 Bookman will be reelected. 500 00:19:51,565 --> 00:19:52,765 - But you did the right thing. 501 00:19:53,025 --> 00:19:54,318 And at the end of the day, 502 00:19:54,610 --> 00:19:56,290 isn't that more important than some merger? 503 00:19:56,570 --> 00:19:58,298 - Letting morality get in the way of making money... 504 00:19:58,322 --> 00:20:01,242 I might as well go and be a teacher. 505 00:20:01,534 --> 00:20:02,159 - I know what will cheer you up. 506 00:20:02,451 --> 00:20:04,078 Would you like some cake? 507 00:20:04,370 --> 00:20:05,871 - Yeah. 508 00:20:06,163 --> 00:20:07,163 - Cake boy! 509 00:20:14,380 --> 00:20:17,842 - This has been the best day of my life. 510 00:20:21,804 --> 00:20:25,683 - I believe ketchup bottles should be 500% larger. 511 00:20:25,975 --> 00:20:28,936 We are all responsible for heroes becoming terrible. 512 00:20:29,228 --> 00:20:31,564 But what kind of jail are these alien prisoners 513 00:20:31,856 --> 00:20:32,857 being held in? 514 00:20:33,149 --> 00:20:34,608 We should bring back slavery! 515 00:20:34,900 --> 00:20:37,945 And they're backed by big corporations. 516 00:20:38,237 --> 00:20:40,781 Animals can govern themselves. 517 00:20:41,073 --> 00:20:44,326 Taken out of context. It was exactly what I meant. 518 00:20:44,618 --> 00:20:45,618 As god is my witness, 519 00:20:45,870 --> 00:20:50,541 we will build casinos on the moon! 520 00:20:50,833 --> 00:20:52,042 Thank you!