1
00:00:02,711 --> 00:00:03,897
- Hanging out with
him is so crazy.

2
00:00:03,921 --> 00:00:05,422
- Hey, yo!

3
00:00:05,714 --> 00:00:06,714
Back that...

4
00:00:08,592 --> 00:00:09,885
And you can...

5
00:00:10,177 --> 00:00:13,847
While I... Off your...

6
00:00:14,139 --> 00:00:15,265
- Disgusting, sir!

7
00:00:15,557 --> 00:00:17,077
Would you talk like
that to your mother

8
00:00:17,267 --> 00:00:18,435
or your daughter

9
00:00:18,727 --> 00:00:20,354
or your surgeon?

10
00:00:20,646 --> 00:00:22,397
Just because my friend is blonde

11
00:00:22,689 --> 00:00:24,049
and never closes
her mouth fully...

12
00:00:24,191 --> 00:00:25,734
- hey, I wasn't talking to her.

13
00:00:26,026 --> 00:00:27,486
I was talking to you, glasses.

14
00:00:27,778 --> 00:00:29,321
- I bet you have...

15
00:00:33,408 --> 00:00:35,202
Infected penis.

16
00:00:36,954 --> 00:00:38,539
That has never
happened to me before.

17
00:00:38,830 --> 00:00:40,082
- Well, I'm not surprised.

18
00:00:40,374 --> 00:00:42,543
Not because you're
not cute. You are...

19
00:00:42,834 --> 00:00:44,154
Like a pretty
refugee on the news.

20
00:00:44,378 --> 00:00:47,130
It's because you've always
put out this negative energy.

21
00:00:47,422 --> 00:00:48,799
But now that you're
with someone,

22
00:00:49,091 --> 00:00:50,467
you're happy and confident.

23
00:00:50,759 --> 00:00:52,386
Guys can sense that.

24
00:00:52,678 --> 00:00:53,678
- Confident, huh?

25
00:00:53,804 --> 00:00:55,244
So can I finally
wear that cowboy hat

26
00:00:55,472 --> 00:00:57,641
I bought at kiss-fm's
Lake Jam '97?

27
00:00:57,933 --> 00:00:59,601
- Um... the point is,

28
00:00:59,893 --> 00:01:02,312
being with someone makes
people want to be with you.

29
00:01:02,604 --> 00:01:05,857
You know, when
it rains, it pours.

30
00:01:06,149 --> 00:01:08,735
- I want your feet in my mouth.

31
00:01:09,027 --> 00:01:11,738
Both: When it rains, it pours.

32
00:01:15,117 --> 00:01:23,117
♪ ♪

33
00:01:33,010 --> 00:01:34,761
- Hello, "Javery."

34
00:01:35,053 --> 00:01:36,053
Time-saver.

35
00:01:36,221 --> 00:01:38,015
- Lemon, we have news.

36
00:01:38,307 --> 00:01:39,766
Like god, I created man.

37
00:01:40,058 --> 00:01:41,058
- We're having a boy.

38
00:01:41,310 --> 00:01:43,186
- That's great. Congratulations.

39
00:01:43,478 --> 00:01:45,397
- Think about it, Liz.

40
00:01:45,689 --> 00:01:47,858
Every woman my boy dates
will get compared to me,

41
00:01:48,150 --> 00:01:50,277
and they will be found wanting.

42
00:01:50,569 --> 00:01:51,671
- He's very lucky to
have you as his mother.

43
00:01:51,695 --> 00:01:54,656
- I'll tell you why he's
lucky. He's got an old dad.

44
00:01:54,948 --> 00:01:56,283
- I'm sorry?

45
00:01:56,575 --> 00:01:57,935
- I had an old dad.
It was awesome.

46
00:01:58,201 --> 00:02:00,996
I could get away with anything.

47
00:02:01,913 --> 00:02:04,583
This is just what I need...

48
00:02:04,875 --> 00:02:07,502
To store my rock collection.

49
00:02:07,794 --> 00:02:09,379
- Lemon, I'm not an old dad.

50
00:02:09,671 --> 00:02:11,798
50 is the new 40... For men.

51
00:02:12,090 --> 00:02:14,343
But 50 is still 60 for women.

52
00:02:14,635 --> 00:02:15,969
- Whatevs, Tony Randall.

53
00:02:16,261 --> 00:02:17,346
- Whatevs, indeed,

54
00:02:17,638 --> 00:02:19,389
because that makes
you Jack Klugman.

55
00:02:19,681 --> 00:02:21,642
- Damn! I'm a writer.

56
00:02:21,933 --> 00:02:24,603
I'm messy. I'm a
loveable curmudgeon.

57
00:02:24,895 --> 00:02:26,730
That is solid!

58
00:02:27,022 --> 00:02:28,357
Advantage, Donaghy.

59
00:02:28,649 --> 00:02:29,941
Hmm.

60
00:02:30,233 --> 00:02:31,276
Rundowns are already out.

61
00:02:31,568 --> 00:02:33,408
I can't believe how
smoothly everything's going

62
00:02:33,654 --> 00:02:34,946
without Kenneth here.
- I know.

63
00:02:35,238 --> 00:02:36,907
Do you remember
my tattoo mishap?

64
00:02:37,199 --> 00:02:38,439
It was supposed to say "peace,"

65
00:02:38,659 --> 00:02:40,139
but they wrote "white
hooker" instead.

66
00:02:40,243 --> 00:02:41,995
I forgot I was getting
it removed today,

67
00:02:42,287 --> 00:02:44,998
but someone slipped a note
under my door to remind me.

68
00:02:45,290 --> 00:02:46,930
- Well, no one could
ever replace Kenneth,

69
00:02:47,042 --> 00:02:49,044
but these new kids
are getting it done.

70
00:02:49,336 --> 00:02:50,336
- Mm-hmm.

71
00:02:54,925 --> 00:02:58,261
- Liz, Tracy will not be coming
out of his dressing room today.

72
00:02:58,553 --> 00:02:59,680
- Oh, come on! What now?

73
00:02:59,971 --> 00:03:02,307
- I'm "werewolfing" myself.
- Sure.

74
00:03:02,599 --> 00:03:04,911
- You know when a dude knows
he's gonna turn into a werewolf

75
00:03:04,935 --> 00:03:07,312
and locks himself into a jail?

76
00:03:07,604 --> 00:03:08,772
Well, I'm embarrassed to say

77
00:03:09,064 --> 00:03:11,108
I've missed the birth
of both of my sons

78
00:03:11,400 --> 00:03:12,776
for very legitimate reasons.

79
00:03:13,068 --> 00:03:15,570
- Cooking a French-bread
pizza and forgot.

80
00:03:15,862 --> 00:03:19,199
- So I promised Angie I will not
miss the birth of our daughter.

81
00:03:19,491 --> 00:03:21,785
- She was due yesterday, so
we're not taking any chances.

82
00:03:22,077 --> 00:03:23,437
Grizz is guarding
the other door...

83
00:03:23,620 --> 00:03:24,620
- And reading.

84
00:03:24,705 --> 00:03:26,065
- Also, we took
Tracy's cell phone,

85
00:03:26,331 --> 00:03:27,958
his wallet...
- And my mood ring!

86
00:03:28,250 --> 00:03:30,168
And I don't know
how I feel about that.

87
00:03:30,460 --> 00:03:32,380
- Well, I'm glad you're
gonna be there for Angie.

88
00:03:32,671 --> 00:03:33,714
Good for you.

89
00:03:34,005 --> 00:03:35,298
- And good for you, Liz Lemon.

90
00:03:35,590 --> 00:03:36,950
There's something
about you lately,

91
00:03:37,050 --> 00:03:40,887
make me want to put
my feet in your mouth.

92
00:03:44,725 --> 00:03:45,934
- It's your turn.
- What?

93
00:03:46,226 --> 00:03:48,079
- Editing hasn't sent
up the title sequence yet,

94
00:03:48,103 --> 00:03:50,063
and it's your turn
to go down there.

95
00:03:50,355 --> 00:03:52,115
God, I hate how much
power they have over us.

96
00:03:52,190 --> 00:03:54,168
Who do they think they
are... Mommy and her sisters?

97
00:03:54,192 --> 00:03:55,444
- Jeez, calm down.

98
00:03:55,736 --> 00:03:57,654
- They know we need
them, so they torture us.

99
00:03:57,946 --> 00:03:59,072
- How's it going?

100
00:03:59,364 --> 00:04:01,575
- I'm done, actually.

101
00:04:03,869 --> 00:04:05,036
- Okay, you know what?

102
00:04:05,328 --> 00:04:06,681
I will take care of
editing from now on.

103
00:04:06,705 --> 00:04:08,081
- Really?
- Yeah.

104
00:04:08,373 --> 00:04:10,751
I'll go down there, turn on
the new Liz Lemon charm,

105
00:04:11,042 --> 00:04:13,170
a little Julia Roberts
laugh... Ha ha ha!

106
00:04:13,462 --> 00:04:16,214
- What's in your teeth?
- Corn.

107
00:04:19,885 --> 00:04:21,553
- 70, Lemon.

108
00:04:21,845 --> 00:04:25,098
I will be 70 years old when
my son graduates prep school.

109
00:04:25,390 --> 00:04:27,893
- Oh, come on. Is this
about my old-dad thing?

110
00:04:28,185 --> 00:04:29,561
I was joking.

111
00:04:29,853 --> 00:04:31,980
- Will I even be there
for his first subpoena?

112
00:04:32,272 --> 00:04:36,026
Will I ever experience
the father-son bonding

113
00:04:36,318 --> 00:04:37,569
of realizing you were both

114
00:04:37,861 --> 00:04:40,405
at the same masked
orgy in a castle?

115
00:04:40,697 --> 00:04:42,783
I will be senile... Or dead

116
00:04:43,074 --> 00:04:44,552
for the better part
of my child's life.

117
00:04:44,576 --> 00:04:45,952
- Am I pulling this off?

118
00:04:46,244 --> 00:04:48,413
- I cannot escape death,
Lemon, but I will cheat it.

119
00:04:48,705 --> 00:04:50,540
Whatever happens to
me, I must find a way

120
00:04:50,832 --> 00:04:53,084
to speak to... And guide my son,

121
00:04:53,376 --> 00:04:54,669
even from the grave.

122
00:04:54,961 --> 00:04:55,961
Woo...

123
00:04:56,963 --> 00:04:58,274
- This is a test
of the fire system.

124
00:04:58,298 --> 00:05:00,151
Please evacuate the building.
- You coming downstairs?

125
00:05:00,175 --> 00:05:03,720
- And stand outside in a
crowd like some Italian?

126
00:05:04,012 --> 00:05:05,722
I don't think so.

127
00:05:06,014 --> 00:05:07,599
- You know, as
floor fire marshal,

128
00:05:07,891 --> 00:05:09,243
Kenneth always
ran the fire drills.

129
00:05:09,267 --> 00:05:12,896
Who's doing it now?
- One of the new kids, I guess.

130
00:05:14,606 --> 00:05:15,690
- This is a fire drill.

131
00:05:15,982 --> 00:05:18,527
All NBC employees
exit to the Plaza.

132
00:05:18,819 --> 00:05:22,239
- I can't leave my dressing
room until Angie goes into labor.

133
00:05:22,531 --> 00:05:24,616
But the president is saying
we have to go outside.

134
00:05:24,908 --> 00:05:26,159
- It's okay, tray.

135
00:05:26,451 --> 00:05:28,596
We'll all go down together.
Then we'll bring you back up.

136
00:05:28,620 --> 00:05:31,498
Just stay with your grown-up.

137
00:05:35,669 --> 00:05:37,254
- If I were a real werewolf,

138
00:05:37,546 --> 00:05:38,964
I'd wear baggy clothes

139
00:05:39,256 --> 00:05:40,976
so my nice clothes
wouldn't get all torn up.

140
00:05:41,258 --> 00:05:43,510
Same rule for if
I were the hulk.

141
00:05:43,802 --> 00:05:46,471
I don't get why
people like brunch.

142
00:05:46,763 --> 00:05:49,474
What's the benefit of combining
break dancing and lunch?

143
00:05:49,766 --> 00:05:52,727
- Tray?

144
00:05:53,019 --> 00:05:54,019
- You're not Grizz!

145
00:05:54,271 --> 00:05:56,898
Ah!

146
00:06:01,528 --> 00:06:03,488
- Hello?
- I'm at the damn hospital!

147
00:06:03,780 --> 00:06:05,115
Where is Tracy?

148
00:06:11,288 --> 00:06:12,288
- What?

149
00:06:15,458 --> 00:06:17,460
- Good morning.
Now, full disclosure...

150
00:06:17,752 --> 00:06:20,297
Most of my experience is
putting babies in women.

151
00:06:20,589 --> 00:06:22,048
- Oh. I'ma kill that man.

152
00:06:22,340 --> 00:06:23,675
- You just described my morning.

153
00:06:23,967 --> 00:06:25,510
Now, Mrs. Jordan,

154
00:06:25,802 --> 00:06:27,321
I've already
administered the epidural.

155
00:06:27,345 --> 00:06:29,347
So would you like one as well?

156
00:06:29,639 --> 00:06:32,684
I am trying to help you.

157
00:06:34,102 --> 00:06:36,771
- My son... You may
not remember me.

158
00:06:37,063 --> 00:06:39,524
I am your father.

159
00:06:39,816 --> 00:06:42,611
This message is coming to
you either from beyond the grave

160
00:06:42,903 --> 00:06:45,655
or because I am in
the grip of insanity.

161
00:06:45,947 --> 00:06:48,074
The purpose of these
DVDs is to educate

162
00:06:48,366 --> 00:06:50,785
and guide you through
life in my absence.

163
00:06:51,077 --> 00:06:53,747
I will begin with
our shared history.

164
00:06:54,039 --> 00:06:54,706
The donaghys originally come

165
00:06:54,998 --> 00:06:57,125
from Ireland's little
known county Steve,

166
00:06:57,417 --> 00:07:01,004
where, historically, we were
whiskey testers and goblins.

167
00:07:01,296 --> 00:07:03,715
I was raised in
Sadchester, Massachusetts,

168
00:07:04,007 --> 00:07:05,884
I won the Amory Blaine
handsomeness scholarship

169
00:07:06,176 --> 00:07:07,302
to Princeton

170
00:07:07,594 --> 00:07:09,194
and then attended
Harvard business school

171
00:07:09,262 --> 00:07:10,889
where I was voted "most."

172
00:07:11,181 --> 00:07:15,060
I once hit a stand-up
triple off fidel Castro.

173
00:07:15,352 --> 00:07:16,895
I was the first
person ever to say,

174
00:07:17,187 --> 00:07:18,730
"I need a vacation
from this vacation."

175
00:07:19,022 --> 00:07:22,984
The song <i>you're so vain</i>
was, in fact, written by me.

176
00:07:23,276 --> 00:07:24,436
In other words, I have lived.

177
00:07:24,694 --> 00:07:26,488
In living, I have learned.

178
00:07:26,780 --> 00:07:29,991
And now I want to impart
that knowledge to you.

179
00:07:30,283 --> 00:07:32,118
I will begin with the basics.

180
00:07:32,410 --> 00:07:34,412
You are hiking in the
Japanese highlands.

181
00:07:34,704 --> 00:07:36,289
A pair of snow
leopards is stalking you,

182
00:07:36,581 --> 00:07:39,918
and the blade of your katana
is frosted into its scabbard.

183
00:07:40,210 --> 00:07:41,252
What?

184
00:07:41,544 --> 00:07:43,171
- What's up, edit seven gang?

185
00:07:43,463 --> 00:07:45,674
Ritchie, Donna,

186
00:07:45,966 --> 00:07:46,966
Ray...

187
00:07:47,133 --> 00:07:49,293
- Split the difference, but
keep the music where it is.

188
00:07:49,552 --> 00:07:51,614
- What are you guys working on?
- Piece for the <i>today</i> show

189
00:07:51,638 --> 00:07:53,932
about how next month is October.

190
00:07:54,224 --> 00:07:55,910
- Islanders, huh? So
you think they're gonna

191
00:07:55,934 --> 00:07:57,614
end up trading... Francen Fren?

192
00:07:57,769 --> 00:07:59,437
- Who, Matt
Moulson? They should.

193
00:07:59,729 --> 00:08:01,022
I'm better than that clown.

194
00:08:01,314 --> 00:08:03,400
- So you play?
- Do I play?

195
00:08:03,692 --> 00:08:05,819
I go to islanders
fantasy camp every year.

196
00:08:06,111 --> 00:08:08,255
- You must be a strong skater.
- Well, I can't go backwards.

197
00:08:08,279 --> 00:08:09,948
But, yeah, I'm good.

198
00:08:11,491 --> 00:08:14,035
- Were you in the army?
- Oh. No.

199
00:08:14,327 --> 00:08:16,371
Better... civil war reenactor.

200
00:08:16,663 --> 00:08:18,540
Kind of an expert
at getting shot

201
00:08:18,832 --> 00:08:21,918
by, uh, smooth-bore
firearms, you know?

202
00:08:22,210 --> 00:08:23,210
Like... kah, kah!

203
00:08:23,336 --> 00:08:24,754
Kah, kah, kah, kow!

204
00:08:25,046 --> 00:08:26,589
Blah, hah!

205
00:08:26,881 --> 00:08:28,091
Gah! Kaw! Kah!

206
00:08:28,383 --> 00:08:31,469
Kaw, kaw! Ah, death to Lincoln!

207
00:08:31,761 --> 00:08:33,430
- Oh, so a southern gentleman.
- Oh, yeah.

208
00:08:33,722 --> 00:08:34,949
Well, thank you.

209
00:08:34,973 --> 00:08:35,973
Thank you very much.

210
00:08:36,057 --> 00:08:39,019
Ritchie!

211
00:08:39,310 --> 00:08:41,146
- Yeah. Yeah.

212
00:08:41,438 --> 00:08:42,731
Cool hat, by the way.

213
00:08:43,023 --> 00:08:44,941
Hey, uh, you know what?

214
00:08:45,233 --> 00:08:47,193
Let's switch to the other deck.

215
00:08:47,485 --> 00:08:49,046
I forgot I got to get
those <i>TGS</i> titles done

216
00:08:49,070 --> 00:08:51,948
for Liz here.

217
00:08:52,240 --> 00:08:53,509
- I just got to get
to the hospital

218
00:08:53,533 --> 00:08:54,701
and wait there!

219
00:08:54,993 --> 00:08:56,786
Taxi! Sir...

220
00:08:57,078 --> 00:08:58,246
I don't have any money,

221
00:08:58,538 --> 00:09:00,206
but I need to get to
mount sinai hospital.

222
00:09:00,498 --> 00:09:01,791
- No problem. Hop in.

223
00:09:02,083 --> 00:09:04,127
- Wow. It's like I always say...

224
00:09:04,419 --> 00:09:07,005
"white cab drivers are weird."

225
00:09:11,676 --> 00:09:13,112
- You're in the cash
cab. It's a TV game show

226
00:09:13,136 --> 00:09:14,888
that takes place
right here in my taxi.

227
00:09:15,180 --> 00:09:16,306
- Explain the rules.

228
00:09:16,598 --> 00:09:18,784
- You answer trivia questions
for money and a free ride.

229
00:09:18,808 --> 00:09:20,101
But if you answer incorrectly,

230
00:09:20,393 --> 00:09:22,113
the game is over, and
you're out of the cab.

231
00:09:22,270 --> 00:09:23,956
- So for me to be there
at the birth of my daughter,

232
00:09:23,980 --> 00:09:25,523
I have to answer
trivia questions,

233
00:09:25,815 --> 00:09:27,692
despite having
gone to middle school

234
00:09:27,984 --> 00:09:28,984
in an exxon station?

235
00:09:29,152 --> 00:09:30,361
- Yeah. You ready to play?

236
00:09:30,653 --> 00:09:31,863
- Bring it!

237
00:09:32,155 --> 00:09:34,282
- Your main titles, milady.

238
00:09:34,574 --> 00:09:36,034
- Aha.
- And this...

239
00:09:36,326 --> 00:09:39,162
Is a cd of some civil war
songs I thought you'd like.

240
00:09:39,454 --> 00:09:40,914
It's very authentic.

241
00:09:41,206 --> 00:09:42,886
So don't play it around
your black friends.

242
00:09:42,957 --> 00:09:44,501
- Well, thanks, Ritchie.

243
00:09:44,793 --> 00:09:47,170
- Mm-hmm. Okay.

244
00:09:47,462 --> 00:09:50,048
Oh! Wow, this is a nice hug.

245
00:09:51,716 --> 00:09:53,176
Two becoming one, hmm?

246
00:09:56,471 --> 00:09:57,806
Bam!
- Blah!

247
00:10:00,350 --> 00:10:03,019
- What the hell, Liz? I
thought Ritchie was lying.

248
00:10:03,311 --> 00:10:04,938
You know, if you
wanted to cheat on Carol

249
00:10:05,230 --> 00:10:07,732
with an Italian dude
who smells like cigarettes,

250
00:10:08,024 --> 00:10:10,485
I've made it very clear I
would flip over my futon for you.

251
00:10:10,777 --> 00:10:12,445
Not cool!

252
00:10:12,737 --> 00:10:14,322
- What is he talking about?

253
00:10:14,614 --> 00:10:15,990
- Okay. It's not a big deal.

254
00:10:16,282 --> 00:10:18,076
Ritchie has just
been telling the crew

255
00:10:18,368 --> 00:10:20,203
that you two are
sleeping together.

256
00:10:20,495 --> 00:10:21,663
- What?
- Your new vibe

257
00:10:21,955 --> 00:10:22,995
is a double-edged sword...

258
00:10:23,123 --> 00:10:25,226
Much like the kind Mickey
Rourke tried to kill me with.

259
00:10:25,250 --> 00:10:26,410
- Great. So that's what I get

260
00:10:26,584 --> 00:10:28,753
for being happy, for being nice,

261
00:10:29,045 --> 00:10:30,130
and rocking a cowboy hat

262
00:10:30,421 --> 00:10:33,675
that a kiss-fm dj once
called a "sweet lid"?

263
00:10:33,967 --> 00:10:35,677
- But you can't
say anything to him.

264
00:10:35,969 --> 00:10:36,970
- Are you kidding me?

265
00:10:37,262 --> 00:10:39,430
- If you do, he'll take
it out on <i>TGS,</i> on us!

266
00:10:39,722 --> 00:10:41,408
I'll be here waiting for
edits till 4:00 in the morning

267
00:10:41,432 --> 00:10:43,268
when I should be at home...

268
00:10:43,560 --> 00:10:46,146
Which is the name of a bar
I found near the train station.

269
00:10:46,437 --> 00:10:48,898
- I'm sorry. You want me to
just take this for the team?

270
00:10:49,190 --> 00:10:51,293
- Please. You know he can
make our lives a living hell.

271
00:10:51,317 --> 00:10:53,153
- We all make sacrifices, Liz.

272
00:10:53,444 --> 00:10:56,114
I had to be at work
this morning at 11:00.

273
00:10:56,406 --> 00:10:57,657
- Fine. Fine.

274
00:11:00,410 --> 00:11:03,329
- Oh... You got sauce on me!

275
00:11:03,621 --> 00:11:05,290
You know, neighbors
who wear my exact size

276
00:11:05,582 --> 00:11:07,584
don't die every day!

277
00:11:09,043 --> 00:11:10,879
- A gift from France
to the United States,

278
00:11:11,171 --> 00:11:14,132
the statute of Liberty was
completed in what year?

279
00:11:14,424 --> 00:11:15,584
- Come on, I don't know that.

280
00:11:15,842 --> 00:11:17,444
- You've got 15 seconds,
or you're out of the cab.

281
00:11:17,468 --> 00:11:19,137
- Okay. I remember going to

282
00:11:19,429 --> 00:11:21,097
the statue of
Liberty centennial,

283
00:11:21,389 --> 00:11:23,141
'cause that year someone
had spread a rumor

284
00:11:23,433 --> 00:11:25,268
that she was gonna
slip out of her toga,

285
00:11:25,560 --> 00:11:27,080
and I wanted to see
some green boobies.

286
00:11:27,270 --> 00:11:29,063
And the Mets had just
won the world series,

287
00:11:29,355 --> 00:11:30,355
'cause that night,

288
00:11:30,607 --> 00:11:32,066
I was randomly
attacked by a Mets fan

289
00:11:32,358 --> 00:11:33,776
that I had threw a bottle at.

290
00:11:34,068 --> 00:11:35,778
That was 1986.

291
00:11:36,070 --> 00:11:38,114
And centennial is 100 years,

292
00:11:38,406 --> 00:11:42,118
because "centipeding" means
having sex with 100 women.

293
00:11:42,410 --> 00:11:44,662
I got it! 1886!

294
00:11:44,954 --> 00:11:46,289
- Yes! That is correct.

295
00:11:46,581 --> 00:11:47,957
Weighing up to 4 tons,

296
00:11:48,249 --> 00:11:49,876
what type of mammal
is the famous shamu?

297
00:11:50,168 --> 00:11:53,213
- She is an orca, Benjamin.

298
00:11:53,504 --> 00:11:56,674
Fyi, they're very difficult to
keep in a home aquarium.

299
00:11:56,966 --> 00:11:59,052
- Right again!
- I'm coming, Angie!

300
00:11:59,344 --> 00:12:01,930
- Son, I may not be
there for your wedding.

301
00:12:02,222 --> 00:12:03,598
It breaks my heart
to realize that.

302
00:12:03,890 --> 00:12:06,309
But I want to offer you
one piece of fatherly advice.

303
00:12:06,601 --> 00:12:09,270
Do not hire Sting
to play the reception.

304
00:12:09,562 --> 00:12:12,440
He'll insist on doing jazz
versions of police songs,

305
00:12:12,732 --> 00:12:14,067
and it's just...

306
00:12:14,359 --> 00:12:14,943
Demoralizing.

307
00:12:15,235 --> 00:12:16,402
After I'm gone,

308
00:12:16,694 --> 00:12:18,279
your mother may
meet someone else.

309
00:12:18,571 --> 00:12:20,323
I want her to be happy, so...

310
00:12:20,615 --> 00:12:22,135
His death must
appear to be accidental.

311
00:12:22,242 --> 00:12:24,911
The secret to a strong,
healthy head of hair

312
00:12:25,203 --> 00:12:26,537
is dove... Blood.

313
00:12:26,829 --> 00:12:30,917
Remember, the backflip
is 90% confidence.

314
00:12:37,423 --> 00:12:38,883
- Kenneth, what
are you doing here?

315
00:12:39,175 --> 00:12:40,260
- I'm sorry, sir.

316
00:12:40,551 --> 00:12:41,219
I was just sweeping
your terrace,

317
00:12:41,511 --> 00:12:43,429
and then you came
in, and I was trapped.

318
00:12:43,721 --> 00:12:45,441
Just like the time I
was cleaning my closet,

319
00:12:45,640 --> 00:12:47,350
and my mom and
her friend Ron came in

320
00:12:47,642 --> 00:12:49,482
to take one of their
grunting naps on my bed...

321
00:12:49,519 --> 00:12:50,228
- hang on.

322
00:12:50,520 --> 00:12:52,480
Are you sneaking
in here and working?

323
00:12:52,772 --> 00:12:54,232
- I know how much
you all need me...

324
00:12:54,524 --> 00:12:55,764
- stop right there. Guess what.

325
00:12:55,900 --> 00:12:57,711
Other people can figure
out how to sort the mail

326
00:12:57,735 --> 00:12:59,415
and answer the phones...
We don't need you.

327
00:12:59,570 --> 00:13:03,283
So move on with
your life, starting now.

328
00:13:08,496 --> 00:13:10,331
That is called tough love.

329
00:13:10,623 --> 00:13:13,251
Kenneth is now on a journey
that will either return him here

330
00:13:13,543 --> 00:13:15,712
where he belongs or end...

331
00:13:16,004 --> 00:13:17,213
In his death.

332
00:13:17,505 --> 00:13:20,508
Juggling is easier
than it looks.

333
00:13:20,800 --> 00:13:22,635
- No. It is true.
They're doing it.

334
00:13:22,927 --> 00:13:24,846
Oh.

335
00:13:25,138 --> 00:13:26,764
- And we have
this just in to us.

336
00:13:27,056 --> 00:13:28,641
Ritchie and Liz spotted in tree.

337
00:13:28,933 --> 00:13:30,101
Eyewitnesses report

338
00:13:30,393 --> 00:13:33,438
k-i-s-s-i-n-g.

339
00:13:33,730 --> 00:13:36,357
For more, let's go to
NBC's Andrea Mitchell.

340
00:13:36,649 --> 00:13:38,234
- Thank you, Brian.

341
00:13:38,526 --> 00:13:39,526
Slut.

342
00:13:46,534 --> 00:13:47,660
- Who do you think you are?

343
00:13:47,952 --> 00:13:49,495
- Ritchie Tamuto,

344
00:13:49,787 --> 00:13:51,622
islanders fan and
role-playing slave owner.

345
00:13:51,914 --> 00:13:53,791
- I know what you've
been saying about me...

346
00:13:54,083 --> 00:13:55,243
That we're sleeping together?

347
00:13:55,418 --> 00:13:56,418
You know what, Ritchie?

348
00:13:56,627 --> 00:13:58,713
I'm actually seeing
someone right now,

349
00:13:59,005 --> 00:14:00,524
and he's never around,
'cause he's a pilot.

350
00:14:00,548 --> 00:14:01,548
His name is Carol.

351
00:14:01,758 --> 00:14:02,798
- That sounds really fake.

352
00:14:03,009 --> 00:14:04,761
- I know how it sounds.

353
00:14:05,053 --> 00:14:06,693
And Carol is the
reason I was nice to you,

354
00:14:06,888 --> 00:14:08,907
because for once in my
life, I felt like being nice.

355
00:14:08,931 --> 00:14:11,434
Well, I don't care how
you punish my show.

356
00:14:11,726 --> 00:14:13,478
It's over. I take my hug back.

357
00:14:13,770 --> 00:14:15,813
- No, I-Liz, that
is not why I did it.

358
00:14:16,105 --> 00:14:17,583
- Oh, "reallo"? I
meant to say "really."

359
00:14:17,607 --> 00:14:19,275
I misspoke. Continue.

360
00:14:19,567 --> 00:14:20,276
- Oh.

361
00:14:20,568 --> 00:14:24,906
Come here, come here, come here.

362
00:14:26,699 --> 00:14:27,843
Liz, are you familiar
with the phrase

363
00:14:27,867 --> 00:14:29,327
"when it rains, it pours"?

364
00:14:29,619 --> 00:14:31,579
I don't meet a lot of women.

365
00:14:31,871 --> 00:14:33,956
Now, I started doing
fantasy hockey camp

366
00:14:34,248 --> 00:14:36,417
and civil war
re-creationism to meet girls.

367
00:14:36,709 --> 00:14:37,895
But I don't know where they are.

368
00:14:37,919 --> 00:14:39,587
So... yes.

369
00:14:39,879 --> 00:14:42,131
When you were nice to
me, I took advantage of it

370
00:14:42,423 --> 00:14:44,384
to try to make
someone else notice.

371
00:14:44,675 --> 00:14:45,675
- Who?

372
00:14:45,802 --> 00:14:48,429
- My assistant editor...

373
00:14:48,721 --> 00:14:50,390
Donna.

374
00:14:50,681 --> 00:14:52,100
Oh, for seven years,

375
00:14:52,392 --> 00:14:56,729
I've been sitting close
enough to touch her...

376
00:14:57,021 --> 00:14:58,106
But a million miles away.

377
00:14:58,398 --> 00:15:01,150
I am really sorry
that I did what I did.

378
00:15:01,442 --> 00:15:05,279
But it's just that I
am in love with her.

379
00:15:05,571 --> 00:15:07,073
I love her so much.

380
00:15:07,365 --> 00:15:09,117
Oh, Donna!

381
00:15:09,409 --> 00:15:11,202
Donna Straunk!

382
00:15:11,494 --> 00:15:14,288
- All right, I'll
make you a deal.

383
00:15:16,833 --> 00:15:18,793
- So many memories.

384
00:15:20,711 --> 00:15:22,351
Hello. Parcell and a
squatter's residence.

385
00:15:22,505 --> 00:15:24,340
- Where the hell
is Tracy Jordan!

386
00:15:24,632 --> 00:15:27,927
- Mrs. Jordan? Oh, I don't...

387
00:15:28,219 --> 00:15:31,180
- I'm out of my mind on
a lot of drugs right now.

388
00:15:31,472 --> 00:15:32,849
- Drugs during childbirth?

389
00:15:33,141 --> 00:15:34,976
Isn't the whole point
feeling god punish you?

390
00:15:35,268 --> 00:15:38,062
- If that man is not
here for this, it is over!

391
00:15:38,354 --> 00:15:40,565
You hear me?

392
00:15:44,861 --> 00:15:47,155
- The lazy Susan was
invented by Thomas Jefferson.

393
00:15:47,447 --> 00:15:49,699
I know, 'cause I'm a
descendant of Thomas Jefferson

394
00:15:49,991 --> 00:15:52,160
and lazy Susan herself!

395
00:15:52,452 --> 00:15:54,120
The capital of the
United Arab Emirates

396
00:15:54,412 --> 00:15:55,079
is Abu Dhabi.

397
00:15:55,371 --> 00:15:56,998
I know that, because
if I go back there,

398
00:15:57,290 --> 00:15:58,290
I'll be executed.

399
00:15:58,374 --> 00:16:00,543
There are 12 tones
in the chromatic scale.

400
00:16:00,835 --> 00:16:04,881
♪ I know that because
I'm a musical genius ♪

401
00:16:05,173 --> 00:16:07,053
- This is how you throw a punch.
- Wait... what?

402
00:16:07,091 --> 00:16:10,303
- "And the tree was happy."

403
00:16:10,595 --> 00:16:12,430
Shel Silverstein
was a communist.

404
00:16:12,722 --> 00:16:14,891
And that... Is the
art of camouflage.

405
00:16:15,183 --> 00:16:16,863
- And this is how you
make love to a woman.

406
00:16:17,059 --> 00:16:18,895
- Aah!

407
00:16:19,187 --> 00:16:19,896
- Aah!

408
00:16:20,188 --> 00:16:21,939
- Pull, Angie, pull!

409
00:16:22,231 --> 00:16:24,484
- I knew you wouldn't
let me down, baby.

410
00:16:24,775 --> 00:16:26,615
Of course not, woman.

411
00:16:26,777 --> 00:16:28,112
I'm your husband.
- Damn it!

412
00:16:28,404 --> 00:16:30,239
I got to go feed the meter.

413
00:16:30,531 --> 00:16:30,948
- Aah!

414
00:16:31,240 --> 00:16:34,619
Aah!

415
00:16:35,328 --> 00:16:36,328
- Oh, hey, Ritchie.

416
00:16:36,454 --> 00:16:39,123
Are we still on for the
music concert this weekend?

417
00:16:39,415 --> 00:16:42,001
- Liz, we need
to talk... About us.

418
00:16:42,293 --> 00:16:44,128
Liz, we've had a lot of fun.

419
00:16:44,420 --> 00:16:45,129
- End it? Why?

420
00:16:45,421 --> 00:16:46,839
- But I need to end it.

421
00:16:47,131 --> 00:16:48,216
- End it? Why?

422
00:16:48,508 --> 00:16:49,926
Without you around,

423
00:16:50,218 --> 00:16:52,470
who's gonna satisfy my
sex needs... and then some?

424
00:16:52,762 --> 00:16:53,763
Oh, Liz...

425
00:16:54,055 --> 00:16:56,182
You'll find someone.

426
00:16:56,474 --> 00:16:57,874
- No, I won't, not
someone like you.

427
00:16:57,975 --> 00:17:01,187
How many guys out there
have a fully loaded Toyota tercel

428
00:17:01,479 --> 00:17:02,813
or a real pinball machine?

429
00:17:03,105 --> 00:17:05,399
How many guys
have been to Canada...

430
00:17:05,691 --> 00:17:06,691
Twice?

431
00:17:06,734 --> 00:17:08,027
Are you doing this to me

432
00:17:08,319 --> 00:17:10,780
because I don't share
your love of unicorns?

433
00:17:11,072 --> 00:17:13,157
- Oh, Liz, don't blame yourself.

434
00:17:13,449 --> 00:17:13,824
It's my fault.

435
00:17:14,116 --> 00:17:17,453
See you in another life, kiddo.

436
00:17:19,413 --> 00:17:21,999
- I guess some other woman
will get to enjoy that water bed

437
00:17:22,291 --> 00:17:25,002
that you're saving up for.

438
00:17:28,923 --> 00:17:31,592
- What's up, Ritchie?

439
00:17:35,680 --> 00:17:37,139
- Congratulations.
We're here, Tracy.

440
00:17:37,431 --> 00:17:38,831
You made it!
- Tracy Jordan... hero,

441
00:17:39,058 --> 00:17:41,686
husband, diabetic/alcoholic!

442
00:17:41,978 --> 00:17:43,354
Yes!

443
00:17:43,646 --> 00:17:44,915
- Hold on. Let
me unlock it for ya.

444
00:17:44,939 --> 00:17:46,107
- Am I pulling it right?

445
00:17:46,399 --> 00:17:47,799
- Just let go of the handle.
- Okay.

446
00:17:47,984 --> 00:17:49,735
It's still not opening.
- Stop pulling it.

447
00:17:50,027 --> 00:17:51,338
- I'm trying to pull.
You keep saying "pull."

448
00:17:51,362 --> 00:17:52,589
- Tracy, if you're pulling on it

449
00:17:52,613 --> 00:17:54,973
while I'm hitting the button...
- What do you want me to do?

450
00:17:55,032 --> 00:17:56,951
Yelling at me ain't
gonna make it better!

451
00:17:57,243 --> 00:17:58,843
- Stop pulling on it!
- I'm freaking out!

452
00:17:58,953 --> 00:17:59,953
Good god!

453
00:18:00,121 --> 00:18:01,122
What's wrong with it?

454
00:18:01,414 --> 00:18:03,708
Oh, it's upside down. My bad.

455
00:18:04,000 --> 00:18:05,668
- Well, Angie, you did it.

456
00:18:05,960 --> 00:18:07,461
We did it. I was here for you...

457
00:18:07,753 --> 00:18:09,463
'Cause I love you, baby.

458
00:18:09,755 --> 00:18:11,299
And I will always
be by your side

459
00:18:11,591 --> 00:18:14,468
no matter what discovery channel
game show stands in my way.

460
00:18:14,760 --> 00:18:16,720
I wouldn't have missed
whatever just happened here

461
00:18:16,804 --> 00:18:17,804
for anything.

462
00:18:18,055 --> 00:18:21,559
I don't know what
I'd do without you.

463
00:18:21,851 --> 00:18:23,769
And I mean it.

464
00:18:24,061 --> 00:18:25,813
Why's that baby
covered with goop?

465
00:18:26,105 --> 00:18:28,316
- 'Cause everything
about this is disgusting.

466
00:18:28,608 --> 00:18:29,817
- As you go through life,

467
00:18:30,109 --> 00:18:32,361
I will always be here for
you through these tapes.

468
00:18:32,653 --> 00:18:35,281
Also, I have given a great deal
of money to the catholic church

469
00:18:35,573 --> 00:18:37,950
and have been assured
that I will have certain powers

470
00:18:38,242 --> 00:18:38,951
in heaven...

471
00:18:39,243 --> 00:18:42,371
Sending messages
through animals, for instance.

472
00:18:42,663 --> 00:18:44,665
In the unlikely event that
you encounter something

473
00:18:44,957 --> 00:18:46,334
that is not covered here,

474
00:18:46,626 --> 00:18:47,626
find a woman named

475
00:18:47,877 --> 00:18:50,338
Elizabeth Lemon, get her advice,

476
00:18:50,630 --> 00:18:52,006
and then do the opposite.

477
00:18:54,592 --> 00:18:57,219
- Mr. Donaghy, I am
sorry, but you are wrong, sir.

478
00:18:57,511 --> 00:18:58,511
I am needed here...

479
00:18:58,721 --> 00:19:00,306
More than I ever knew.

480
00:19:00,598 --> 00:19:03,517
- Very well. I'll let H.R. know.

481
00:19:03,809 --> 00:19:05,478
- No, sir. If I'm
going to return,

482
00:19:05,770 --> 00:19:07,647
it must be through
the proper channels.

483
00:19:07,938 --> 00:19:11,192
I'm going to reapply to
the NBC page program,

484
00:19:11,484 --> 00:19:14,278
following standard
procedures for acceptance.

485
00:19:14,570 --> 00:19:16,280
- You do whatever
you want to, Kenneth.

486
00:19:16,572 --> 00:19:18,032
- I won't let you down, sir.

487
00:19:18,324 --> 00:19:20,409
- I really don't care.

488
00:19:22,828 --> 00:19:24,428
- Your ability to hide
your true feelings

489
00:19:24,580 --> 00:19:27,375
is part of your great strength.

490
00:19:29,460 --> 00:19:31,128
- You ready for this, Jackie D?

491
00:19:31,420 --> 00:19:34,256
- As of today, yes. I
made all my videotapes.

492
00:19:34,548 --> 00:19:36,133
- Explain.

493
00:19:36,425 --> 00:19:37,694
- I'm not gonna be
around forever, Tracy,

494
00:19:37,718 --> 00:19:39,303
so I recorded advice
for every scenario

495
00:19:39,595 --> 00:19:40,721
my son could face.

496
00:19:41,013 --> 00:19:42,890
- Jackie D, you want
to make god laugh?

497
00:19:43,182 --> 00:19:44,684
Make a plan...

498
00:19:44,975 --> 00:19:46,175
Or read him a Dave Barry book.

499
00:19:46,394 --> 00:19:48,312
You're worrying
about being old, Jack?

500
00:19:48,604 --> 00:19:50,356
You could live forever,

501
00:19:50,648 --> 00:19:54,276
but you still can't predict
what happens in life.

502
00:19:54,568 --> 00:19:56,237
Wait a minute.

503
00:19:56,529 --> 00:19:58,072
There's no baby in here.

504
00:19:58,364 --> 00:19:59,532
- Good god!

505
00:19:59,824 --> 00:20:01,242
- Oh, she's in the crib.

506
00:20:01,534 --> 00:20:03,202
Good.

507
00:20:06,706 --> 00:20:07,790
- Avery, I'm with Tracy.

508
00:20:08,082 --> 00:20:10,292
- We're having a damn girl!
- What?

509
00:20:10,584 --> 00:20:12,503
- That Russian skank
read the ultrasound wrong.

510
00:20:12,795 --> 00:20:14,130
Oh! I'm just so worried

511
00:20:14,422 --> 00:20:17,466
about her spatial reasoning
and upper-body strength.

512
00:20:17,758 --> 00:20:19,301
Jack, talk me down.

513
00:20:19,593 --> 00:20:20,720
- I'm having a girl!

514
00:20:21,011 --> 00:20:22,722
- I hate to say I told you so...

515
00:20:23,013 --> 00:20:25,641
So welcome to Miami.

516
00:20:25,933 --> 00:20:28,394
- I've gotta make new tapes.

517
00:20:31,480 --> 00:20:32,606
- My daughter...

518
00:20:32,898 --> 00:20:34,775
I am John Francis Donaghy.

519
00:20:35,067 --> 00:20:36,318
I am your father.

520
00:20:36,610 --> 00:20:39,280
If you have the blondness
and self-esteem of your mother,

521
00:20:39,572 --> 00:20:40,990
you will need no advice.

522
00:20:41,282 --> 00:20:42,408
Life will be easy for you.

523
00:20:42,700 --> 00:20:44,577
Otherwise, I'd like
to introduce you to...

524
00:20:44,869 --> 00:20:45,869
Elizabeth Lemon.

525
00:20:46,078 --> 00:20:47,455
- Good afternoon. Let's jump in.

526
00:20:47,747 --> 00:20:49,999
Every human has
hair on his or her face.

527
00:20:50,291 --> 00:20:51,834
Some of us just have more.

528
00:20:52,126 --> 00:20:53,726
I think it's nice to
occasionally splurge

529
00:20:53,836 --> 00:20:54,962
on a straight-razor shave.

530
00:20:55,254 --> 00:20:56,534
If you're running
low on laundry,

531
00:20:56,672 --> 00:20:59,008
a bathing suit makes
perfectly acceptable underwear.

532
00:20:59,300 --> 00:21:02,094
Bandanas are a fun,
sexy fashion accessory.

533
00:21:02,386 --> 00:21:04,013
- This is over.
- Let me give my reasons.

534
00:21:04,305 --> 00:21:07,099
Put potato chips on a sandwich!