1 00:00:01,752 --> 00:00:04,671 No, Tom Jones, no! 2 00:00:04,963 --> 00:00:07,382 - Lemon, it's Jack. - Who Jackie? 3 00:00:07,674 --> 00:00:08,860 - Oh, Lemon, Avery and I just got back 4 00:00:08,884 --> 00:00:12,638 from the most amazing vacation on Paul Allen's yacht. 5 00:00:12,930 --> 00:00:14,723 And for four glorious weeks, 6 00:00:15,015 --> 00:00:17,142 my naturally blonde lady love and I basked 7 00:00:17,434 --> 00:00:18,560 in the three "s" s... 8 00:00:18,852 --> 00:00:21,313 Surf, sun, and... - Sandwiches? 9 00:00:21,605 --> 00:00:23,607 - Heh, we didn't need sandwiches, Lemon. 10 00:00:23,899 --> 00:00:26,109 It was so warm you could pick fully cooked lobsters 11 00:00:26,401 --> 00:00:27,486 out of the water. 12 00:00:27,778 --> 00:00:28,820 Sheer bliss. 13 00:00:29,112 --> 00:00:31,532 Avery is the most perfect woman ever created. 14 00:00:31,823 --> 00:00:35,869 Like a young Bo Derek stuffed with a Barry goldwater. 15 00:00:36,161 --> 00:00:37,681 - You sound weird. Do you have a beard? 16 00:00:37,913 --> 00:00:40,707 - Not for long. It's back to reality. 17 00:00:40,999 --> 00:00:42,584 No more making love on the beach 18 00:00:42,876 --> 00:00:45,587 surrounded by a privacy circle of English-trained butlers. 19 00:00:45,879 --> 00:00:46,547 But I've got to get out of island mode 20 00:00:46,838 --> 00:00:48,340 and back into work mode. 21 00:00:48,632 --> 00:00:50,342 How was your summer? 22 00:00:50,634 --> 00:00:53,428 - Get this, my gynecologist committed suicide. 23 00:00:53,720 --> 00:00:56,306 And I'm back! 24 00:00:56,974 --> 00:00:59,434 Carol! 25 00:00:59,726 --> 00:01:01,166 - Hey, Lizzie, I'm about to take off. 26 00:01:01,353 --> 00:01:02,396 I'm in lambert, St. Louis, 27 00:01:02,688 --> 00:01:04,398 and I can see the arch from here. 28 00:01:04,690 --> 00:01:07,359 No, wait, actually that's a half-burned-down McDonald's. 29 00:01:07,651 --> 00:01:10,320 Anyway, weather's great, and I just have to go 30 00:01:10,612 --> 00:01:12,864 St. Louis-Newark, Newark-Atlantic city, 31 00:01:13,156 --> 00:01:15,036 Atlantic city to Newark, and then I'll be there. 32 00:01:15,325 --> 00:01:17,369 - Who flies Newark to Atlantic city? 33 00:01:17,661 --> 00:01:21,164 - Black bachelorette parties. Gotta go. 34 00:01:22,457 --> 00:01:25,043 Hello? 35 00:01:25,335 --> 00:01:27,629 - Yo, I'm calling to say that I'm giving you 36 00:01:27,921 --> 00:01:29,798 110% this year. 37 00:01:30,090 --> 00:01:31,883 I'm relaxed, I'm focused, 38 00:01:32,175 --> 00:01:33,895 and I'm gonna be churning out the good stuff 39 00:01:34,011 --> 00:01:36,013 like you've never seen. - That's great, Tracy. 40 00:01:36,305 --> 00:01:37,472 - Oh, I misdialed. 41 00:01:37,764 --> 00:01:39,391 I thought I was calling my nutritionist. 42 00:01:39,683 --> 00:01:41,560 Good-bye. 43 00:01:41,852 --> 00:01:43,812 - Okay, season five. Here we go. 44 00:01:47,065 --> 00:01:54,906 ♪ ♪ 45 00:02:04,499 --> 00:02:04,750 - What about office supplies? 46 00:02:05,042 --> 00:02:06,376 Can you come down 5% there? 47 00:02:06,668 --> 00:02:08,170 - I'll try. 48 00:02:08,462 --> 00:02:09,171 We're already printing all of our internal memos 49 00:02:09,463 --> 00:02:11,298 on the back of my kids' art. 50 00:02:11,590 --> 00:02:13,967 - In order for this merger to stay attractive 51 00:02:14,259 --> 00:02:16,386 to our friends at Kabletown, we have to seem like 52 00:02:16,678 --> 00:02:18,055 a sexy, profitable company. 53 00:02:18,347 --> 00:02:20,265 And we're almost pulling it off. 54 00:02:20,557 --> 00:02:22,309 The Harry pott, er theme park is a huge hit 55 00:02:22,601 --> 00:02:25,354 with both anglophiles and pedophiles. 56 00:02:25,646 --> 00:02:27,123 The movie division has a James Cameron movie 57 00:02:27,147 --> 00:02:29,125 the whole world will see, whether they like it or not. 58 00:02:29,149 --> 00:02:32,152 Only NBC continues to be the engorged whitehead 59 00:02:32,444 --> 00:02:34,863 on the otherwise flawless face of universal media. 60 00:02:35,155 --> 00:02:38,116 Lemon, why are you spending so much money on wigs? 61 00:02:38,408 --> 00:02:39,993 - Tracy's head size keeps changing. 62 00:02:40,285 --> 00:02:43,080 - Hang on, what is this pay increase for Jenna? 63 00:02:43,372 --> 00:02:45,457 - Oh, boy. 64 00:02:45,749 --> 00:02:47,959 Look, as we enter the fifth season of TGS... 65 00:02:48,251 --> 00:02:50,396 And remember, no one ever thought we'd make it this far... 66 00:02:50,420 --> 00:02:50,921 - I believed in us. 67 00:02:51,213 --> 00:02:52,714 - That was actually an oversight. 68 00:02:53,006 --> 00:02:54,734 - Jenna has some crazy stuff built into her contract 69 00:02:54,758 --> 00:02:56,051 that kicks in now. 70 00:02:56,343 --> 00:02:58,011 Like what? 71 00:02:58,303 --> 00:02:59,303 Eye contact. 72 00:02:59,471 --> 00:03:00,711 "Everyone must make eye contact 73 00:03:00,889 --> 00:03:03,767 with miss Maroney at all times." 74 00:03:04,059 --> 00:03:05,286 She also gets a producer credit. - What? 75 00:03:05,310 --> 00:03:06,412 - Oh, it's just a vanity credit, Lemon. 76 00:03:06,436 --> 00:03:08,980 A low-cost way to make someone feel more important. 77 00:03:09,272 --> 00:03:11,108 Like executive producer Ashton kutcher, 78 00:03:11,400 --> 00:03:13,235 or secretary of state Hillary Clinton. 79 00:03:13,527 --> 00:03:18,031 - Am I late for the producers meeting? 80 00:03:18,323 --> 00:03:20,951 Eye contact. 81 00:03:21,243 --> 00:03:22,243 Thank you. 82 00:03:22,494 --> 00:03:25,288 - Hey, k-k-k-k. 83 00:03:25,580 --> 00:03:27,332 First day back's gonna be a busy one. 84 00:03:27,624 --> 00:03:30,127 First, I need you to go to the dry cleaners for me 85 00:03:30,419 --> 00:03:32,087 and find out how martinizing works. 86 00:03:32,379 --> 00:03:34,089 I've always been curious. 87 00:03:34,381 --> 00:03:35,716 Then I need you to be back by noon 88 00:03:36,007 --> 00:03:37,443 to make the bathroom smell like sandalwood 89 00:03:37,467 --> 00:03:38,677 before I wreck it. 90 00:03:38,969 --> 00:03:40,554 You got that, K-Pax-o-gum? 91 00:03:40,846 --> 00:03:43,974 - I'm not Kenneth, sir. 92 00:03:44,266 --> 00:03:44,683 My name's Brian. 93 00:03:44,975 --> 00:03:48,186 Kenneth got fired at the end of last season. 94 00:03:48,478 --> 00:03:50,480 - Of course. I knew that. 95 00:03:53,483 --> 00:03:55,819 - Good meeting. 96 00:03:56,111 --> 00:03:58,238 - So how are things with Carol? - Good. 97 00:03:58,530 --> 00:03:59,930 Did you know that if you're a pilot, 98 00:03:59,990 --> 00:04:01,426 that chili's will seat you right away, 99 00:04:01,450 --> 00:04:03,034 even if the pilot's dinner companion 100 00:04:03,326 --> 00:04:05,245 has just been yelling at the hostess? 101 00:04:05,537 --> 00:04:06,997 - You are the Jackie o of our time. 102 00:04:07,289 --> 00:04:09,416 - And pilots get all these travel points 103 00:04:09,708 --> 00:04:11,168 at starwind hotels. 104 00:04:11,460 --> 00:04:12,919 The one in midtown has free Internet. 105 00:04:13,211 --> 00:04:15,422 - He doesn't stay with you when he's here? 106 00:04:15,714 --> 00:04:17,314 - Why would he? Those starwinds are nice! 107 00:04:17,549 --> 00:04:20,093 I mean, the bathtubs are so much cleaner than at home. 108 00:04:20,385 --> 00:04:22,846 I don't know how they do it. - They clean them. 109 00:04:23,138 --> 00:04:26,600 You are not in a real relationship, Lemon. 110 00:04:26,892 --> 00:04:28,602 - Ugh, I hate that word... "relationship." 111 00:04:28,894 --> 00:04:30,896 It's almost as bad as "climax." 112 00:04:31,188 --> 00:04:33,064 - You can't just do the vacation part. 113 00:04:33,356 --> 00:04:35,396 At some point you have to go home to the same house, 114 00:04:35,609 --> 00:04:38,028 unpack your dirty laundry, and have a life together. 115 00:04:38,320 --> 00:04:40,530 Then one of you says, "we should redecorate." 116 00:04:40,822 --> 00:04:42,449 And the other one says, "please, Avery, 117 00:04:42,741 --> 00:04:44,493 I'm using the commode right now." 118 00:04:44,785 --> 00:04:46,745 - Ooh, she wants to redecorate? She just moved in. 119 00:04:46,870 --> 00:04:49,164 - Avery, uh, has opinions. I love her for that. 120 00:04:49,456 --> 00:04:50,832 Unfortunately, she wants to repaint 121 00:04:51,124 --> 00:04:52,959 the upstairs hallway in a strie faux finish 122 00:04:53,251 --> 00:04:54,251 called "Husk." 123 00:04:54,503 --> 00:04:56,143 I prefer the color that's already there... 124 00:04:56,379 --> 00:04:59,049 A reddish-Brown shade called "elk tongue." 125 00:04:59,341 --> 00:05:00,661 - So tell her no. It's your house. 126 00:05:00,884 --> 00:05:02,324 - This is how I know you've never had 127 00:05:02,511 --> 00:05:03,637 an adult relationship. 128 00:05:03,929 --> 00:05:06,181 If I say no, then I will be required 129 00:05:06,473 --> 00:05:08,308 to say yes to something else in the future, 130 00:05:08,600 --> 00:05:10,244 and the stakes in the future might be higher. 131 00:05:10,268 --> 00:05:12,103 - Then say yes. - If I give in, 132 00:05:12,395 --> 00:05:13,956 then I'm no longer the Alpha in my house. 133 00:05:13,980 --> 00:05:15,625 Before you know it, she'll have me wearing jeans 134 00:05:15,649 --> 00:05:16,358 and reading fiction! 135 00:05:16,650 --> 00:05:18,401 - Yeah, well, yes and no are kind of 136 00:05:18,693 --> 00:05:19,945 your only two choices. 137 00:05:20,237 --> 00:05:23,156 - For most men, sure. But there is a third option. 138 00:05:23,448 --> 00:05:25,909 The fabian strategy. - I know this. 139 00:05:26,201 --> 00:05:28,095 If an apple and a feather fall at the same time... 140 00:05:28,119 --> 00:05:29,830 - the fabian strategy derives its name 141 00:05:30,121 --> 00:05:33,375 from the Roman general Quintus fabius Maximus. 142 00:05:33,667 --> 00:05:35,587 He ran away, Lemon. Rather than engage in battle, 143 00:05:35,752 --> 00:05:38,129 he would retreat and retreat until the enemy grew fatigued 144 00:05:38,421 --> 00:05:39,621 and eventually made a mistake. 145 00:05:39,756 --> 00:05:42,092 Although I abhor it as a military strategy, 146 00:05:42,384 --> 00:05:45,637 it is the basis for all of my, uh, personal relationships. 147 00:05:45,929 --> 00:05:48,223 - So Avery is your enemy. That sounds healthy. 148 00:05:48,515 --> 00:05:50,183 - You're in no position to judge. 149 00:05:50,475 --> 00:05:52,310 Meeting someone in a hotel room twice a month 150 00:05:52,602 --> 00:05:54,980 is not a relationship... Just ask any hooker. 151 00:05:55,272 --> 00:05:57,148 - Oh, stop saying "relationship"! 152 00:05:57,440 --> 00:05:58,440 - I'm sorry, 153 00:05:58,692 --> 00:06:01,361 I was going to say "climax." - Aah! 154 00:06:01,653 --> 00:06:02,821 - A line item budget. 155 00:06:03,113 --> 00:06:05,615 Oh, I love this. 156 00:06:05,907 --> 00:06:09,119 It takes people and turns them into amounts of money. 157 00:06:09,411 --> 00:06:12,414 Except for Tracy, I'm the most person on the show! 158 00:06:12,706 --> 00:06:14,124 What do we do now? 159 00:06:14,416 --> 00:06:17,168 - Oh, okay, well, Jack wants me to keep the budget flat, 160 00:06:17,460 --> 00:06:19,105 but I don't want to deny people their raises. 161 00:06:19,129 --> 00:06:20,881 - You should fire grace from wardrobe. 162 00:06:21,172 --> 00:06:23,133 She doesn't do anything. - Fire grace? 163 00:06:23,425 --> 00:06:25,027 Come on, you'd have to be a heartless monster... 164 00:06:25,051 --> 00:06:26,636 - I'll do it. 165 00:06:26,928 --> 00:06:29,306 Grace, your position has been terminated, 166 00:06:29,598 --> 00:06:30,682 effective immediately. 167 00:06:30,974 --> 00:06:35,020 - But I've been here since the Jack Paar show. 168 00:06:35,312 --> 00:06:36,581 - Your health insurance will remain in effect 169 00:06:36,605 --> 00:06:37,845 until the end of this sentence. 170 00:06:37,981 --> 00:06:39,900 Come on. Chop chop. 171 00:06:44,446 --> 00:06:46,239 - What a shank job. 172 00:06:46,531 --> 00:06:48,825 - Kenneth, I knew you'd come back! 173 00:06:49,117 --> 00:06:50,952 Let me smell your head. 174 00:06:51,244 --> 00:06:52,244 Mmm... - Come on! 175 00:06:52,287 --> 00:06:53,287 This is a woman's blazer 176 00:06:53,371 --> 00:06:56,333 from a very expensive blazer shop called rico's. 177 00:06:56,625 --> 00:06:59,210 - I'm sorry, but my heart is playing tricks on my eyes. 178 00:06:59,502 --> 00:07:01,546 Just like my kidneys did to my lungs that time. 179 00:07:01,838 --> 00:07:02,881 - Are you okay? 180 00:07:03,173 --> 00:07:04,466 - I keep hallucinating Kenneth. 181 00:07:04,758 --> 00:07:05,967 Am I going crazy again? 182 00:07:06,259 --> 00:07:08,053 Should I get my rainbow wig out of storage? 183 00:07:08,345 --> 00:07:10,055 - No, Tracy, it's normal. 184 00:07:10,347 --> 00:07:12,807 Kenneth was very special to you, and now he's gone. 185 00:07:13,099 --> 00:07:15,352 The next time you hallucinate, just tell yourself, 186 00:07:15,644 --> 00:07:18,021 "this is not real. I am in control of this." 187 00:07:18,313 --> 00:07:20,315 - Like the world cup. 188 00:07:20,607 --> 00:07:22,067 I'll try. 189 00:07:24,819 --> 00:07:31,326 ♪ ♪ 190 00:07:31,618 --> 00:07:34,621 No, this place is too full of memories. 191 00:07:34,913 --> 00:07:36,957 I gotta clear my head. 192 00:07:37,248 --> 00:07:39,608 - Okay, well, we've only been back to work, like, an hour... 193 00:07:39,709 --> 00:07:43,171 And bye. 194 00:07:43,463 --> 00:07:44,881 - Liz, get in on this. 195 00:07:45,173 --> 00:07:48,176 Would you rather have to start every sentence you say 196 00:07:48,468 --> 00:07:51,429 for the rest of your life with Urkel's catchphrase, 197 00:07:51,721 --> 00:07:52,740 "Did I do that?" 198 00:07:52,764 --> 00:07:56,351 Or be siamese twins with Sharon stone for a year? 199 00:07:56,643 --> 00:07:58,979 Both: Did I do that? 200 00:07:59,270 --> 00:08:00,355 - Carol! 201 00:08:00,647 --> 00:08:02,023 - So, Carol, 202 00:08:02,315 --> 00:08:04,693 you ever join the mile high club? 203 00:08:04,985 --> 00:08:08,238 - Try five miles high. And no, I have not. 204 00:08:08,530 --> 00:08:10,115 - Did you ever see a ufo up there? 205 00:08:10,407 --> 00:08:12,127 - No, but once, when I was in the air force, 206 00:08:12,409 --> 00:08:13,469 I saw Mr. T in a pizza hut. 207 00:08:13,493 --> 00:08:14,995 - Was the air force like top gun? 208 00:08:15,286 --> 00:08:16,806 - Yeah, but with a lot more volleyball. 209 00:08:17,080 --> 00:08:17,747 - You ever kill anyone? 210 00:08:18,039 --> 00:08:19,708 - Sucked a mechanic into my engine once. 211 00:08:20,000 --> 00:08:22,585 - Are you on Facebook? 212 00:08:27,632 --> 00:08:29,718 - And these are for you. 213 00:08:30,010 --> 00:08:33,388 Passenger left them in the first-class lavatory. 214 00:08:33,680 --> 00:08:34,680 - Ooh. 215 00:08:34,723 --> 00:08:35,306 - Hey, I couldn't get a room 216 00:08:35,598 --> 00:08:37,058 at any of the starwinds this weekend. 217 00:08:37,350 --> 00:08:38,911 You think it'd be all right if I stayed at your place? 218 00:08:38,935 --> 00:08:41,312 - Uh... uh, yeah. Of course. 219 00:08:41,604 --> 00:08:43,314 I'll just have to run home first 220 00:08:43,606 --> 00:08:44,959 and take some plates out of the bathroom. 221 00:08:44,983 --> 00:08:45,692 - But it would be nice 222 00:08:45,984 --> 00:08:47,420 staying together at your place, right? 223 00:08:47,444 --> 00:08:51,114 - Yeah, it'll be a fun... Step for us. 224 00:08:51,406 --> 00:08:52,800 I just can't believe that every starwind suite 225 00:08:52,824 --> 00:08:53,824 in the city is taken. 226 00:08:53,908 --> 00:08:55,761 - Me neither. The lady said they're all booked up 227 00:08:55,785 --> 00:08:59,205 for something called Jackfest. 228 00:08:59,497 --> 00:09:01,082 - How many rooms did you book? 229 00:09:01,374 --> 00:09:02,959 - It's for your own good, Lemon. 230 00:09:03,251 --> 00:09:04,729 I just want you to have what Avery and I have. 231 00:09:04,753 --> 00:09:05,295 - I am a grown woman. 232 00:09:05,587 --> 00:09:07,589 I have been doing things my way for a long time. 233 00:09:07,881 --> 00:09:10,967 I don't like my life stuff mixing with my dudestuff. 234 00:09:11,259 --> 00:09:13,428 - A middle-aged woman saying "dude stuff"... 235 00:09:13,720 --> 00:09:16,514 Is that on my sadness scavenger hunt? 236 00:09:16,806 --> 00:09:18,933 Why, yes, it is. 237 00:09:19,225 --> 00:09:21,352 - Carol and I enjoy 238 00:09:21,644 --> 00:09:23,271 our separate-but-intersecting lifestyles. 239 00:09:23,563 --> 00:09:24,647 It's perfect. 240 00:09:24,939 --> 00:09:26,459 I'm like that woman on the food network 241 00:09:26,566 --> 00:09:28,568 whose husband only comes home on the weekends, 242 00:09:28,860 --> 00:09:30,171 and she spends the rest of her time 243 00:09:30,195 --> 00:09:31,795 eating and drinking with her gay friends. 244 00:09:31,821 --> 00:09:33,656 - Her name is the Barefoot Contessa, Lemon, 245 00:09:33,948 --> 00:09:35,188 and you will never be like her, 246 00:09:35,366 --> 00:09:36,646 starting with the barefoot part. 247 00:09:36,868 --> 00:09:39,037 - I'll have you know that I wore sandals this summer, 248 00:09:39,329 --> 00:09:42,749 over socks... In a dream. 249 00:09:43,041 --> 00:09:46,377 - Welcome to the la te show with da vid letterman. 250 00:09:46,669 --> 00:09:47,837 Please have your tickets out. 251 00:09:48,129 --> 00:09:50,090 And now, as with all studio audiences, 252 00:09:50,381 --> 00:09:52,967 we will sort you according to attractiveness. 253 00:09:53,259 --> 00:09:54,385 Front, front, back, 254 00:09:54,677 --> 00:09:57,806 balcony, front, front... 255 00:09:58,098 --> 00:09:59,098 Mr. Jordan! 256 00:09:59,224 --> 00:10:02,227 - No, you do not exist! 257 00:10:02,519 --> 00:10:04,771 I'm in control of this! 258 00:10:06,856 --> 00:10:08,983 - Want to watch TV? 259 00:10:09,275 --> 00:10:10,628 - First thing you need is Tequila... 260 00:10:10,652 --> 00:10:11,652 - Stop. Wait. No. 261 00:10:11,736 --> 00:10:13,339 The Barefoot Contessa... I love this show. 262 00:10:13,363 --> 00:10:14,447 - Me too. 263 00:10:14,739 --> 00:10:16,859 This is one of the three things in the world I like... 264 00:10:17,075 --> 00:10:18,618 Ina Garten, sweater weather, and... 265 00:10:18,910 --> 00:10:20,221 - when muppets present at award shows? 266 00:10:20,245 --> 00:10:22,622 - Wow, yes! - Me too. 267 00:10:22,914 --> 00:10:25,208 - We really see eye to eye on a lot of stuff, don't we? 268 00:10:25,500 --> 00:10:26,852 - Absolutely. I've never met anyone before 269 00:10:26,876 --> 00:10:28,156 who had the exact same idea as me 270 00:10:28,378 --> 00:10:29,396 about what to do with Palestine. 271 00:10:29,420 --> 00:10:31,380 - It would work, right? - Of course it would work. 272 00:10:31,631 --> 00:10:33,967 - And don't you agree that our situation 273 00:10:34,259 --> 00:10:35,510 is perfect right now? 274 00:10:35,802 --> 00:10:37,720 We have these great visits together, 275 00:10:38,012 --> 00:10:39,365 but then we still have our separate lives. 276 00:10:39,389 --> 00:10:43,560 We're like Jeffrey and Ina. 277 00:10:43,852 --> 00:10:48,731 No, no, I can't... I can't live like this anymore. 278 00:10:49,023 --> 00:10:51,734 I'm not like Jeffrey Garten. 279 00:10:52,026 --> 00:10:53,778 I'm not as strong as that guy! 280 00:10:54,070 --> 00:10:55,750 - Don't have too much fun without me, okay? 281 00:10:55,822 --> 00:10:58,324 - I need to know where this relationship is going, 282 00:10:58,616 --> 00:11:00,076 and I can feel you resisting it. 283 00:11:00,368 --> 00:11:03,955 - No, no... It okay. 284 00:11:04,247 --> 00:11:06,791 Don't be cry. 285 00:11:07,083 --> 00:11:09,752 - I'm a pilot, Liz. 286 00:11:10,044 --> 00:11:12,797 You know, I've spent my entire adult life... 287 00:11:13,089 --> 00:11:16,634 Just casual girlfriends in different cities. 288 00:11:16,926 --> 00:11:20,638 I... I can't go from woman to woman to woman anymore. 289 00:11:20,930 --> 00:11:22,330 - How many women have you been with? 290 00:11:22,473 --> 00:11:25,476 - I'd rather not say. It's shameful. 291 00:11:25,768 --> 00:11:27,729 I mean, I'm a pilot. 292 00:11:30,940 --> 00:11:31,482 Six. 293 00:11:31,774 --> 00:11:34,777 - Oh, that's not so great. 294 00:11:35,069 --> 00:11:36,404 - I want grown-up love! 295 00:11:45,955 --> 00:11:47,999 - Hello? - Thanks. 296 00:11:48,291 --> 00:11:49,876 Carol had a complete meltdown 297 00:11:50,168 --> 00:11:51,568 about the state of our relationship. 298 00:11:51,669 --> 00:11:54,088 I can't believe I tried to clean my bathtub for this. 299 00:11:54,380 --> 00:11:56,300 - No, this is healthy, Lemon. Where is Carol now? 300 00:11:56,382 --> 00:11:57,634 - I finally got him to sleep. 301 00:11:57,926 --> 00:11:59,236 I had to spoon him for, like, an hour. 302 00:11:59,260 --> 00:12:00,553 And I was the outer spoon. 303 00:12:00,845 --> 00:12:01,845 - Welcome to adulthood. 304 00:12:01,888 --> 00:12:03,848 As for me, I have successfully retreated 305 00:12:04,140 --> 00:12:05,140 for another day. 306 00:12:05,266 --> 00:12:06,466 When Avery got home from work, 307 00:12:06,684 --> 00:12:08,844 I noticed that she had some paint samples in her purse, 308 00:12:08,937 --> 00:12:10,897 so I immediately asked her if her sister had done 309 00:12:11,189 --> 00:12:13,233 anything crazy lately, and guess what... She had. 310 00:12:13,524 --> 00:12:15,164 Avery talked about that for about an hour, 311 00:12:15,360 --> 00:12:16,819 her anger eventually transforming 312 00:12:17,111 --> 00:12:18,947 into some rather interesting sex. 313 00:12:19,239 --> 00:12:20,519 And now she's sleeping peacefully 314 00:12:20,698 --> 00:12:22,909 while fabius has retreated to his den, 315 00:12:23,201 --> 00:12:25,453 where he is drinking scotch and playing snood. 316 00:12:25,745 --> 00:12:28,206 - Uh-huh. Does Avery's work email go right to her phone? 317 00:12:28,498 --> 00:12:29,707 - Why? - Nothing. 318 00:12:29,999 --> 00:12:31,719 Just sending her a link to this cool site... 319 00:12:31,876 --> 00:12:33,711 Funkyvintagewallpaper.com. 320 00:12:34,003 --> 00:12:36,297 - Lemon, don't! She keeps her BlackBerry in bed with her. 321 00:12:36,589 --> 00:12:38,258 - And send. - Damn it, Lemon! 322 00:12:38,549 --> 00:12:40,385 It has to be elk tongue! 323 00:12:42,220 --> 00:12:43,680 - Oh... 324 00:12:43,972 --> 00:12:45,723 - Eww... no! 325 00:12:46,015 --> 00:12:47,326 - This Jenna promotion is the greatest thing 326 00:12:47,350 --> 00:12:48,510 that has ever happened to me. 327 00:12:48,643 --> 00:12:50,561 Do you understand how much free time I have now? 328 00:12:50,853 --> 00:12:53,022 Yesterday, I went to the gym. 329 00:12:53,314 --> 00:12:55,566 And this morning, I made love to my wife. 330 00:12:55,858 --> 00:12:58,058 And she was still asleep, so I didn't have to be gentle. 331 00:12:59,946 --> 00:13:01,614 - That's one of the most upsetting things 332 00:13:01,906 --> 00:13:02,907 I have ever imagined. 333 00:13:03,199 --> 00:13:06,119 - Are you sure? Think about it again. 334 00:13:07,996 --> 00:13:09,914 - Yes. 335 00:13:10,206 --> 00:13:13,042 - Liz, the writers can't take a car service at night anymore. 336 00:13:13,334 --> 00:13:15,294 I've crunched the numbers, and it's cheaper for us 337 00:13:15,503 --> 00:13:19,299 to just replace anyone who gets murdered. 338 00:13:21,384 --> 00:13:24,595 - So did Avery like my wallpaper idea? 339 00:13:24,887 --> 00:13:28,224 - She did. Heh heh. - Huh... So why are you happy? 340 00:13:28,516 --> 00:13:30,810 - Because the fabian strategy is working. 341 00:13:31,102 --> 00:13:32,895 Every new pattern Avery showed me, 342 00:13:33,187 --> 00:13:35,189 I would simply say, "yes, I like that one too." 343 00:13:35,481 --> 00:13:37,161 And she was so overwhelmed with the choices 344 00:13:37,442 --> 00:13:38,442 that she made a mistake. 345 00:13:38,609 --> 00:13:41,487 She suggested that we consult her old college friend, 346 00:13:41,779 --> 00:13:43,573 who's an interior designer. - Uh-huh. 347 00:13:43,865 --> 00:13:45,217 - He's coming here to meet with me today. 348 00:13:45,241 --> 00:13:46,241 His name is James. 349 00:13:46,326 --> 00:13:48,202 Not Jim, not Jimmy... 350 00:13:48,494 --> 00:13:50,621 Jamessss. - I get it. 351 00:13:50,913 --> 00:13:53,333 - She's sending her army into unknown territory. 352 00:13:53,624 --> 00:13:58,463 And I am flanking her... With these. 353 00:13:58,755 --> 00:14:00,131 Have you seen my eyes, Lemon? 354 00:14:00,423 --> 00:14:01,924 - Yep. They're very Blue. 355 00:14:02,216 --> 00:14:03,301 Like a Mikonos sky. 356 00:14:03,593 --> 00:14:05,029 - Mark foley once called them "piercing." 357 00:14:05,053 --> 00:14:06,220 - Hmm. 358 00:14:06,512 --> 00:14:08,032 - Avery has really made a misstep here. 359 00:14:08,222 --> 00:14:10,516 Do you know what a prize I am in the gay community? 360 00:14:10,808 --> 00:14:15,438 There's a term for it. I'm a bear... And I'm a daddy. 361 00:14:15,730 --> 00:14:16,730 I'm a daddy bear. 362 00:14:16,814 --> 00:14:18,983 Just one hour of flirty chatting with James, 363 00:14:19,275 --> 00:14:19,942 and you know what I'll get. 364 00:14:20,234 --> 00:14:23,821 - Not a glaad award, I know that. 365 00:14:24,113 --> 00:14:26,491 - Elk tongue. 366 00:14:26,783 --> 00:14:28,743 - Well, I'm glad to hear that you've almost 367 00:14:29,035 --> 00:14:30,595 vanquished your girlfriend. - Thank you. 368 00:14:30,828 --> 00:14:32,830 And you versus Carol... How's that going? 369 00:14:33,122 --> 00:14:36,125 - I don't know. We had a pretty emotional breakfast. 370 00:14:40,671 --> 00:14:42,965 - He says he's leaving early now. 371 00:14:43,257 --> 00:14:45,110 I don't know what to do. - I know it's difficult, Lemon. 372 00:14:45,134 --> 00:14:46,928 But now you have an adult decision to make. 373 00:14:47,220 --> 00:14:50,765 Would you rather let go of your precious autonomy, 374 00:14:51,057 --> 00:14:52,217 and let Carol into your life? 375 00:14:52,308 --> 00:14:54,894 Or would you rather teach your cat to dial 911? 376 00:14:55,186 --> 00:14:57,386 - First of all, I'm tired of playing "would you rather." 377 00:14:57,563 --> 00:15:02,485 And second of all, you know that I have life alert. 378 00:15:02,777 --> 00:15:05,822 Oh, I pushed it. I need a phone. 379 00:15:06,114 --> 00:15:11,202 - Mr. Jordan. Mr. Jordan, please stop. 380 00:15:11,494 --> 00:15:12,829 - You're not real. 381 00:15:13,121 --> 00:15:14,401 If I threw you in front of a car, 382 00:15:14,580 --> 00:15:15,915 it would drive right through you! 383 00:15:16,207 --> 00:15:18,584 - No! No... Sir! 384 00:15:18,876 --> 00:15:19,919 I am real! 385 00:15:20,211 --> 00:15:22,338 Would an imaginary me know that you have a mole 386 00:15:22,630 --> 00:15:25,216 on your list of pets to get? 387 00:15:25,508 --> 00:15:27,028 Or that your favorite color is rainbow? 388 00:15:27,301 --> 00:15:30,304 - Of course it would. It would know anything I knew 389 00:15:30,596 --> 00:15:34,142 because it sprung from my imagination. 390 00:15:35,643 --> 00:15:37,728 - Sir, it's really me! 391 00:15:46,070 --> 00:15:47,613 Oh, my god! 392 00:15:47,905 --> 00:15:50,825 - Oh, no, I missed it! Do it again! 393 00:15:52,368 --> 00:15:54,203 I love you, Ken-word. 394 00:15:54,495 --> 00:15:56,539 Why don't you come back home to TGS 395 00:15:56,831 --> 00:15:58,916 and pick the peas out of my fried rice? 396 00:15:59,208 --> 00:16:00,877 And the rice. I just want carrots. 397 00:16:01,169 --> 00:16:02,378 - I can't do that, sir. 398 00:16:02,670 --> 00:16:04,589 - But don't you miss rubbing my foot 399 00:16:04,881 --> 00:16:06,081 back into the shape of a foot? 400 00:16:06,174 --> 00:16:07,341 - Of course I do. 401 00:16:07,633 --> 00:16:10,428 But I'm real happy here at CBS. 402 00:16:10,720 --> 00:16:13,723 They gave me a tote bag with the mentalist on it! 403 00:16:14,015 --> 00:16:17,852 - I guess this is good-bye. 404 00:16:18,144 --> 00:16:22,106 Obviously, I'm going to need the tote bag. 405 00:16:27,278 --> 00:16:28,779 - James, tell me, 406 00:16:29,071 --> 00:16:31,115 which one of these do you like? 407 00:16:31,407 --> 00:16:35,161 Because with my untrained eyes, 408 00:16:35,453 --> 00:16:39,874 the strie is bland, and the, uh... 409 00:16:40,166 --> 00:16:42,752 Wallpaper just looks busy. 410 00:16:43,044 --> 00:16:46,214 Oh... I don't know. 411 00:16:48,799 --> 00:16:52,720 Do you see something, uh, here that you like? 412 00:16:54,931 --> 00:16:58,976 It's so frustrating. 413 00:17:04,023 --> 00:17:07,985 ♪ ♪ 414 00:17:08,277 --> 00:17:10,029 I think I found a way 415 00:17:10,321 --> 00:17:11,381 to get the budget down to where Jack wants it. 416 00:17:11,405 --> 00:17:13,991 - That's my girl! You are en fuego. 417 00:17:14,283 --> 00:17:18,037 - I was looking it over, and I've realized something. 418 00:17:18,329 --> 00:17:19,830 There's one too many producers, Pete. 419 00:17:20,122 --> 00:17:22,625 - Okay, I get it. 420 00:17:22,917 --> 00:17:25,294 But please... I have five kids... 421 00:17:25,586 --> 00:17:27,026 That I don't want to be at home with. 422 00:17:27,171 --> 00:17:30,132 - No, Pete, it's me. 423 00:17:30,424 --> 00:17:33,844 As great as I am at this, I'm not really necessary. 424 00:17:34,136 --> 00:17:35,513 Hmm, the last time I said that, 425 00:17:35,805 --> 00:17:37,890 I was in a three-way with two of the backstreet boys. 426 00:17:38,182 --> 00:17:39,302 - No, Jenna, you can't quit. 427 00:17:39,517 --> 00:17:41,060 I'll take a pay cut. 428 00:17:41,352 --> 00:17:42,562 We can fire Liz! 429 00:17:42,853 --> 00:17:45,022 - This is hard for me too, Pete. 430 00:17:45,314 --> 00:17:47,191 But it's because I'm a genius producer 431 00:17:47,483 --> 00:17:48,985 I know that you have to fire me. 432 00:17:49,277 --> 00:17:53,155 Take my producing fee and amortize it 433 00:17:53,447 --> 00:17:57,243 to cover the gaps in transpo and electric. 434 00:17:58,911 --> 00:18:00,955 - Hey, Liz, would you rather... 435 00:18:01,247 --> 00:18:02,582 - Oh... - Be with the person 436 00:18:02,873 --> 00:18:04,208 you love forever, 437 00:18:04,500 --> 00:18:05,860 but you always have to wear a shirt 438 00:18:06,043 --> 00:18:07,044 made out of their pubes, 439 00:18:07,336 --> 00:18:10,047 or be alone for the rest of your life, 440 00:18:10,339 --> 00:18:10,881 but you get to wear whatever you want? 441 00:18:11,173 --> 00:18:13,467 Both: Shirt of pubes. 442 00:18:13,759 --> 00:18:16,178 - I thought you left. 443 00:18:16,470 --> 00:18:18,055 - I came back. 444 00:18:18,347 --> 00:18:20,891 I mean, I had to kick an obese teen off the flight 445 00:18:21,183 --> 00:18:23,036 to get a seat, but I really wanted to talk to you. 446 00:18:23,060 --> 00:18:25,104 Look, I'm not sorry you saw me cry. 447 00:18:25,396 --> 00:18:25,938 I'm an emotional guy. 448 00:18:26,230 --> 00:18:28,649 That's actually not even part of my personality. 449 00:18:28,941 --> 00:18:30,586 That's just something that happens to people 450 00:18:30,610 --> 00:18:32,421 who change altitude more than four times a day. 451 00:18:32,445 --> 00:18:33,725 - Is that also why you got so mad 452 00:18:33,988 --> 00:18:34,988 watching the giants game? 453 00:18:35,031 --> 00:18:36,031 - No, that was because 454 00:18:36,157 --> 00:18:38,117 why does Geico have three different spokespeople? 455 00:18:38,409 --> 00:18:39,785 They have the caveman, the lizard, 456 00:18:40,077 --> 00:18:41,877 and then the stack of money with the eyeballs. 457 00:18:41,912 --> 00:18:43,456 - And the fake Rod Serling guy. 458 00:18:43,748 --> 00:18:45,166 - Oh, my god, right. Thank you. 459 00:18:45,458 --> 00:18:47,376 I mean, you see how good we are together? 460 00:18:47,668 --> 00:18:50,504 Look, Liz, I want this. 461 00:18:50,796 --> 00:18:52,048 But if we're gonna go for it, 462 00:18:52,340 --> 00:18:55,718 we gotta move forward a bit with each visit. 463 00:18:56,010 --> 00:18:58,095 - Two minutes to air. Cast, please set yourselves. 464 00:18:58,387 --> 00:19:00,699 - Look, you have to get back to the airport, I have a show. 465 00:19:00,723 --> 00:19:02,643 How do we move this forward in the time allotted? 466 00:19:02,933 --> 00:19:05,811 - All right, let's each say one thing about ourselves 467 00:19:06,103 --> 00:19:06,646 that the other person doesn't know 468 00:19:06,937 --> 00:19:09,065 on the count of three, all right? 469 00:19:09,357 --> 00:19:10,399 Ready? One, two, three. 470 00:19:10,691 --> 00:19:11,835 - I'm on a waiting list to adopt a kid. 471 00:19:11,859 --> 00:19:13,086 - Touched by a priest... It's fine. 472 00:19:13,110 --> 00:19:14,110 Both: Wait, what? 473 00:19:14,362 --> 00:19:16,739 - Okay... That was a step. 474 00:19:17,031 --> 00:19:18,699 - Yeah. 475 00:19:18,991 --> 00:19:21,327 - See you October 14. 476 00:19:23,412 --> 00:19:27,667 - Cast for "would you rather" set yourselves, please. 477 00:19:27,958 --> 00:19:29,838 - I never thought you'd make it this far, Lemon. 478 00:19:30,044 --> 00:19:32,189 - I know, season five... we were supposed to get cancelled. 479 00:19:32,213 --> 00:19:34,632 - Not just the show, I mean you. 480 00:19:34,924 --> 00:19:37,176 You're in an "adult dude" situation. 481 00:19:37,468 --> 00:19:38,748 You're wearing a beautiful blazer 482 00:19:38,886 --> 00:19:40,721 from rico's husky-boy collection... 483 00:19:41,013 --> 00:19:43,391 - Is that what ragazzi robusti means? 484 00:19:43,683 --> 00:19:45,267 - I'm just saying I'm happy for you. 485 00:19:45,559 --> 00:19:46,560 - Thank you, Jack. 486 00:19:46,852 --> 00:19:49,397 And I'm glad that you're getting to keep your wall "elk tongue." 487 00:19:49,689 --> 00:19:51,732 - Actually, no. The fabulous James and I 488 00:19:52,024 --> 00:19:53,210 came up with an excellent idea. 489 00:19:53,234 --> 00:19:54,354 We're taking that wall down. 490 00:19:54,402 --> 00:19:56,482 That way we can make the master bedroom closet bigger 491 00:19:56,612 --> 00:19:58,656 and gain a nice architectural symmetry. 492 00:19:58,948 --> 00:20:03,744 - Huh. You think maybe that's what Avery wanted all along? 493 00:20:04,036 --> 00:20:06,080 - Oh, my god. 494 00:20:06,372 --> 00:20:08,416 Hannibal defeated fabian with a decoy army. 495 00:20:08,708 --> 00:20:09,834 James was a plant. 496 00:20:10,126 --> 00:20:12,169 The strie wall finish was a decoy. 497 00:20:12,461 --> 00:20:13,629 She hannibaled my fabian! 498 00:20:13,921 --> 00:20:17,299 Lemon, Avery and I are perfect together. 499 00:20:17,591 --> 00:20:20,344 Like... whiskey and hunting. 500 00:20:20,636 --> 00:20:25,099 "Soul mate" doesn't even begin to do it justice. 501 00:20:25,391 --> 00:20:27,184 She's my... 502 00:20:27,476 --> 00:20:30,104 - She's your pube shirt. 503 00:20:30,396 --> 00:20:31,897 - Pube shirt. 504 00:20:34,316 --> 00:20:35,568 - That's our show. Good night. 505 00:20:35,860 --> 00:20:37,796 - Good night, miss Maroney. Good night, Mr. Jordan. 506 00:20:37,820 --> 00:20:39,864 Good night, TGS band, 507 00:20:40,156 --> 00:20:41,699 with your funny-smelling dressing room. 508 00:20:41,991 --> 00:20:43,659 Good night, bear! 509 00:20:43,951 --> 00:20:47,037 Good night moon... Soon park from accounting. 510 00:20:47,329 --> 00:20:49,039 Good night, miss Lemon. 511 00:20:49,331 --> 00:20:52,168 Good night, Mr. Donaghy. 512 00:20:52,460 --> 00:20:54,211 I lied to Mr. Jordan. 513 00:20:54,503 --> 00:20:57,923 I miss you all so much. 514 00:20:58,215 --> 00:21:00,259 Sir? Is it really you? 515 00:21:00,551 --> 00:21:01,551 - Sure is. 516 00:21:01,594 --> 00:21:03,012 Wanna go kiss in the prop cage? 517 00:21:03,304 --> 00:21:04,472 - What? No!